BERTRANT@MIAMIOH.EDU
HUMOR 9
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2019
My grandmother got into a fatal hit and run while walking home drunk on Christmas NOAH BERTRAND HUMOR EDITOR
“Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy
*To the tune of “Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy*
Grandma got runned over by a reindeer
My Grandmother is dead. She was just here a minute ago, drinking and being merry with her family. Grandma was an amazing woman, but forgetful to a fault. She had left her lactaid at home, and wouldn’t be able to participate in our fondue bonanza.
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
She insisted on going home to retrieve it.
She’d been drinkin’ too much eggnog
We begged her not to go, the storm was at its peak and the wind burnt like fire. But Grandma would not miss another bonanza.
And we’d begged her not to go
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa But as for me and Grandpa, we believe
But she’d left her medication
As I mentioned, she had been drinking — rum spiked eggnog, to be specific. Grandma was, admittedly, a tank, but the nog had been flowing all night. I began to worry for her as she started off into the night, stumbling through six inches of heavy snow.
So she stumbled out the door into the snow When they found her Christmas mornin’
How had no one stopped her?
At the scene of the attack
I ask myself this question every day now.
There were hoof prints on her forehead
I couldn’t sleep. I had a feeling in my gut that wouldn’t go away, and it wasn’t because of the fondue. When I got downstairs, I heard the news. Grandma was struck last night, fatally.
And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back Chorus Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa
All they had to go off of was a pair of hoof prints on her forehead and claw marks on her back. It sounded to me like an animal attack until I learned their were sleigh tracks leading away from the scene.
He’s been takin’ this so well See him in there watchin’ football
It couldn’t be Santa. He isn’t real. But who else could be riding a sleigh around on Christmas? We were all a little confused.
Drinkin beer and playin’ cards with cousin Belle
Grandpa took it well, considering the circumstances. He had his moments of grief, but watching football seemed to help distract him. Cousin Belle came over and started playing cards with Grandpa. She hated playing cards with him — he is a ruthless 52 pick-up competitor — but we could all see he needed it. He also started drinking. I think we all would.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma All the family’s dressed in black And we just can’t help but wonder: Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
We all changed into black clothing in remembrance of her. The house gradually became quieter and quieter with a lingering tension. None of the gifts had been opened. Looking over at the pile, I could see Grandma’s wrapping paper on boxes of all sizes. Should we really open these? I was of the mind that we should throw them away — I didn’t want to see them. On the other hand, she said she was getting me a Nintendo Switch, which seemed impossible to pass up.
Chorus Now the goose is on the table And the pudding made of fig And a blue and silver candle That would have just matched the hair in grandma’s wig
The police weren’t able to find anything more in the following days. There is no one with a registered sleigh in the tri-state area.
I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors
It had to be Santa.
“Better watch out for yourselves
Grandpa started believing as well. We needed an answer, and the only one I could think of was that fat bastard. Go to hell, you murderer. I’ve warned the neighborhood about you — and we will be waiting.
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.”
Enjoy your elves while you can.
Chorus x2
They should never give a license
betrant@miamioh.edu
Medals to give yourself when you did the bare minimum but need to feel accomplished cut ‘em out and stick ‘em on, you earned it!
Went to class and didn’t open your laptop or check your phone once.
Drank water. Found the scrunchie you lost two weeks ago. Realized it’s not a good idea to adopt a dog your senior year of college.
Didn’t mention you were a film major for an hour.
Went to a party and didn’t mansplain the Wikipedia article you read last night on spiders to anyone.
Wrote a check without Googling “How to write a check.”
Made it to the Farmer’s Market by noon.