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THE Mandan High School, 905 8th Ave. NW, Mandan, ND

REVIEW a little bit of everything page 3

Schlosser dies of pun overdose

mikaela HERBERG

- General Reporter

Senior Hannah Schlosser, 17, passed away on March 31 at her home as a result of pun overdose. Just as she does every morning, Schlosser was checking her “Pun of the Day” app on her phone. She came across the funniest puns she had ever read such as “You gotta hand it to short people, sometimes they can’t reach.” Understanding this pun completely because of her inability to grow, Schlosser began to laugh uncontrollably. ”Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.” These were a few of the jokes screenshotted into her photo gallery before her death. Schlosser became so enticed with the puns that she stayed home from school. She kept reading more puns until she couldn’t laugh anymore. Schlosser soon lost the ability to breathe, and calmly passed away at approximately 4 p.m. Worried about her absence from school, fellow staff member and senior Kaitlyn Schelske went to check on her. Lying on the floor of her room was the lifeless body. Schlosser’s mouth was opened to the biggest smile it could hold, with her “Pun of the Day” app in her hand. An ambulance was immediately called, but she was unable to be resuscitated. Schlosser was a wonderful person, friend and writer and will be missed. Her memorial service will take place at 2 p.m. on Saturday April 5, 2014 at Weigel Funeral Home.

Volume 22, Issue 5 • April Spoof 2014

CENTERSPREAD parkour pages 8-9

FEATURE pet therapy page 12

Courier reverts name to Spatterinx

kaitlyn SCHELSKE

- Editor-In-Chief

Due to the Mandan High School Courier’s name being too hard to say, the newspaper will be changing its name back to its original title of Spatterinx. For the past year, students had been filing complaints with the Student Council, who changed the name back in 1929. They claim the name was “too difficult to pronounce” and led the Council to call a vote for a name change immediately. “I was approached by several angry students on why the newspaper was named after such a hard word to enunciate,” said Student Council Advisor Annette Bender. “So I talked it over with the Courier staff and the Council and we voted it to be changed.”

The Courier was originally named the Spatterinx from its creation in 1920. The 1929 Student Council voted back then to rename the newspaper to the Courier. “I don’t know why the Council back then decided to change the name since the Spatterinx is such an easier name to say,” said Student Council President Eileen Spilman. “With this new name, everybody will be able to say it with ease.” The name change will be effective immediately. All previous papers with the title Courier are to be collected by Spatterinx staff members and burned instantly. Any mention of the name “Courier”, whether it be verbal, written or thought will result in suspension, or in severe cases, expulsion.

7th period stretch now mandatory

hannah SCHLOSSER

“It couldn’t have come at a better time.” - Asst. Editor-In-Chief In accordance with Major League Baseball Exercise guru and health enthusiast, Uhn rules and speculations as Heltea, recommended a well as Michelle Obama’s stretch as a quick and easy efforts against childhood way to get heart rates up. obesity, all students “Taking a break and and staff present during replacing that mental seventh period are now workout with an actual required to submit to a mini workout will minimize seventh period stretch. stored fats,” Heltea said. Multiple meetings in the The exercise will early part of the school Photo by Hannah Schlosser consist of a minimal year confirmed obesity Students demonstrate required stretching, a walk around rates have risen. Staff and the room or whatever fitness stretches. administration alike were is felt necessary for in favor of a small change in the schedule that day and will be implemented allowing for healthier personnel. instantaneously. At approximately 1:53 “I think this [seventh period stretch] is a each day, an announcement will mark the step in the direction of lifelong health,” said commencement and all students will need physical education teacher Nancy Kielpinski, to stretch for three minutes minimum.


2

Letter from the Editor

To my dear fellow students and staff, I am unfortunate to have to deliver you this unbearable news. It kills me on the inside to have to make this depressing choice, but with so many tragedies that surfaced this past year, I have to make this abrupt decision. The Spatterinx will discontinue to produce papers, effective immediately. With the recent passing of our beloved Assistant Editor-in-Chief Hannah Schlosser, the staff has had a tough time trying to deal with grief and writing a paper as well, not to mention the staff being lowered to three people. The amount of effort and work needed to create a paper is by far too much to handle, and it is better just to end the struggle. I personally would like to thank several people. To the old homeless man who was sitting by Dairy Queen that one day, giving me the inspiration to become a journalist. To the children on a playground, for showing me how much work journalism is and how you never really get to have any free time to play around. And finally, to the black and white cat who reminded me of my dear newspapers. You have all helped me develop into the journalist that I have become today, and I could not have done it without you. So, my dear readers, this shall be the last ever copy of the Mandan High School Spatterinx. I hope you have all enjoyed the newspaper throughout the years and just one last thing before I officially sign off.

MHS Spatterinx Opinion Heavier freshman packs will beat obesity

A recent poll of non self-governing territories stated that we are in fact “The Chubbiest Territory” in all of the United States and North America. While this news is appalling for all North Dakota inhabitants, fret no more. We, the Spatterinx staff, have found the perfect cherry-on-top solution to this obesity sundae. The first step to this problem is the need for acknowledgement. That is, we need to acknowledge that lockers are literally no use to anyone. While only a small minority has claimed that they use their lockers, their claims must be ignored and the school must immediately get rid of these obstructions. With the lockers gone, there will be more room for the next step; freshman packs. Since students at MHS will be saying goodbye to their lockers, it is essential that students be required to carry around a backpack. But not just any backpack; the one and only freshman pack. Since only a small group of people actually use backpacks, it will be required that these new and improved “freshy” packs be weighed to the bare minimum of 50 pounds. Scales will even be placed at both ends of each

hallway to ensure that students have the allotted weight. With the new weight of backpacks set, students will gain more muscle from the strenuous activity of carrying them around. After hearing about what MHS is doing, First Lady Michelle Obama is thrilled with the idea of eliminating lockers. “I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that the students of Mandan High are implementing freshman packs. Obesity in North Dakota is a huge problem because of all of the knoephla soup that North Dakotans consume. I really think this is going to make a difference,” said Obama. With the effort to kick start the attempt to curb obesity, a new gym curriculum is also being considered by administration. With the additive of the freshman pack, weightlifting may start to include different sizes of backpacks containing both large and small books. With all of these new ideas to get rid of obesity at MHS, the most successful freshman packers are sure to win the Nobelly Prize. Students will also need to remember a successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Kaitlyn Schelske.......................Editor-In-Chief Sports Editor Hannah Schlosser.........Asst. Editor-In-Chief Opinion Editor Sarah Kovash.................................Ad Manager News Editor Mikaela Herberg.................General Reporter Hannah Sagaser......................................Adviser

by student editors. The staff welcomes letters, articles, submissions, of any student, faculty, or community interest. Submissions may be turned into the Courier, room 221, and by message to mhscourier@gmail.com or facebook. com/mhscourier. All submissions must be signed by the author if they are to be published and subject to editing if space is restricted. The Courier strives to be objective in its news coverage. Columns and letters reflect only the opinions of the writers, not those of the Courier staff, administration, teachers, or student body. Editorials that are not signed reflect the consensus of the staff. The Courier is funded entirely through advertising sales and subscriptions. Contact the Courier at mhscourier@gmail.com if interested in advertising.

Courier Staff and Editorial Policy

You stay classy MHS. Sincerely,

Kaitlyn Schelske

In this edition of the Courier, all content is not true. The Courier is a news/feature newspaper that is published throughout the school year. As an open forum for student expression, all content online and in print is decided and moderated


Review

April Spoof

hannah SCHLOSSER

3

Nothing more, nothing less

- Asst. Editor-In-Chief

Within the last couple of months, renovations were made to the building previously occupied by Central Market, changing it to a new five-star restaurant - A Little Bit of Everything that served just that - a little bit of everything. My dad is friends with a taxidermist who coincidently said it would stuff me. After trying it, I brought my friend, Ann Onymous, with and decided to give it a review. Upon arrival, Ann and I were quickly seated and offered beverages. I slowly choked down the coffee I was brought. My waiter reassured me the reason the coffee tasted so much like mud was because it was ground a couple minutes prior; I just simply did not like it a latte. Ann, on the other hand, ordered an Italian Soda. She said it was absolutely grape, contrary to its orange flavor. My waiter brought me some Bear Stew to

start off with, but it was a bit grizzly, so she replaced it with a salad instead. Lettuce be honest, it was a little bare, too. So, I added some cloves and dressed it in a bit of ranch. Ann loved her breadsticks; they were a little dry, dough. The breadsticks came with a side of specialty butter that supposedly tasted like pickles. When serving a homemade spread, there is little margarine for error, but this spread just happened to be a big dill for others who tried it. While waiting to order, I couldn’t help but get distracted by all the meat dishes other waiters carried past my table. My mouth watered like crazy. It was probably just my short attention spam, but frankly, I didn’t give a ham. I was skeptical to order the steak once my waiter arrived, thinking they are always overcooked, but once it was served, I was surprised. It’s very rare to find a steak this well done by a medium. My plate came with a couple sides as well. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat, but breakfast for supper is eggzactly what

I was scrambling for and they were delicious. Along with the eggs, I was brought a couple slices of toast. I ordered wheat, but it tasted funny. I think something was a rye. Ann was quite full after the breadsticks so she ate just small dish of tapioca, letting me try a spoonful as well. A Little Bit Of Everything’s tapioca definitely served as some of the best I’ve ever tasted if I do say so myself. That’s one way of pudding it, but it was pretty yummy all and all. I relish the fact that customers are of great appreciation among all employees, but more work needs to put into accuracy and quality in the food presented. Props to the smart cookie who placed a square meal on a four cornered plate, though. Clever. After trying to be a restaurant critic, I’ve realized I have no taste. Yet one thing I am sure of is this: A Little Bit Of Everything lives up to its name. It has a little bit of everything, both good and bad, but does not, in my eyes, deserve five stars. Maybe like, five moons or something.

Supreme Cereal Delight Clusters hannah SCHLOSSER

Directions:

- Asst. Editor-In-Chief

Ingredients:

• Don’t preheat anything. • Throw all the ingredients into a

9 smidgens of sugar

bowl and mix with your bare hands.

5 doses of spice 7 pinches of everything nice

• Then dish onto a 9x13 ungreased

Add a handful or so of

baking tray with hopes it won’t stick.

actual cereal for more flavor

Photo by Hannah Schlosser

• After spreading out evenly, place

*Please note all measurements

Baking in the sun, the

tray outside to “bake in the sun”.

must be precise and accurate.

Supreme Cereal Delight Clusters

• Try at your own risk.

Yields however many servings you want it to - anywhere from two to 37.

glisten.

Prep time is two minutes. The cereal bars also have a relatively

short cooking period of four hours. Bake longer for more intense flavoring as well.


News News Roundup

4 sarah KOVASH - News Editor

Peterson donates gift to weight lifting classes

After much speculation, English teacher Seth Peterson decided that his 50 pound rare Oxford two-part dictionary will be used in weight lifting classes in the fall. Peterson bought the dictionary 60 years ago at an auction for 25 cents. “I bought it for when my students act up,” said Peterson. “As punishment they have to copy 10 pages of words and their definitions, which is about 2500 words.” Peterson decided to pass on his dictionary to classes who could use it more than he could. “I already have all the words memorized so I figured I could give it to Mr. O’Brien as a reward for his outstanding win,” said Peterson. Turn to page 13 to read more about Mr. O’Brien’s win as toughest person in North Dakota.

Celebrity found at pet shelter

Mandan has recently become popular due to a recent celebrity visit. Tardar Sauce, or better known as Tard the Grumpy Cat, was discovered at the Central Dakota Humane Society on March 8 by a Mandan High School volunteer. “I was just going around and cleaning out cages when I saw this cat that looked really different and displeased,” said sophomore Kit Tee. “This cat had this strange underbite and then I realized that it was Tard the Grumpy Cat!” Since Tee had announced the discovery on Facebook, hundreds of people have flocked to the CDHS to get a glimpse at the celebrity cat. The celebrity cat has even caused adoption rates to soar. “Everyday we get new visitors who come to see Tard and they end up falling in love with another animal and adopting them,” Tee said. “I’m glad to see these animals finding new homes because of him!”

MHS Spatterinx

Mandan gets a Taco Bell

After numerous requests on Facebook and Twitter, Mandan will now have a Taco Bell. The franchise decided to build another location in Mandan due to the overwhelming amount of positive feedback that Mandan offered. “We couldn’t help but build one in Mandan after they got the hashtag ‘mandanwantstbell’ trending worldwide,” said Taco Bell President, Drake Bell. “They even got Daniel Tosh from the TV show Tosh.0 to tweet it.” The new location will be built on 504 West Main Street, next to the new restaurant A Little Bit of Everything. “We want it to be close to the high school because what teen doesn’t like tacos,” said Taco Bell’s Vice President, Josh Peck. Construction is set to begin at the end of May in order for the restaurant to be ready for the 2014-2015 school year.

North Dakota lives 125 years as a lie

In order to change North Dakota’s status, the state can hold a plebiscite vote, or a vote held only among the inhabitants of The Spatterinx would like to formally the territory. The United Nations requires apologize for our misprint in our that there be three choices on the ballot. February issue. On page 13 we printed The first choice is for North Dakota to a story about North Dakota’s 125th become a part of our trustee nation, the birthday. United States. After research, it has been publicly The second choice is to remain a territory announced that in fact North Dakota is of the United States, as we have been for not actually a state. the past 125 years. When President Benjamin Harrison And finally the third choice is for North shuffled the statehood papers to Dakota to become independent from the determine whether North or South United States. Dakota would be first, he tore a corner In a recent conference, governor Jack of North Dakota’s paper. Dalrymple has announced that our Because the official document is plebiscite vote will be held February 31, tampered with, North Dakota is not 2015. 125 years old; it’s actually not a state. “I think it’s time we get our status figured North Dakota was placed on the list out,” said Dalrymple. “We just want some of non self-governing territories by peace at knowing what we actually are.” the United Nations in 1889, with the All North Dakotans over the age of 16 United States as trustee, under Article are required to attend numerous meetings 73. in the upcoming year to determine what

sarah KOVASH - News Editor

vote will be best for the state. Dalrymple plans to broadcast a live stream in order to reach all the citizen of North Dakota from the Capitol in Bismarck. Future voters are required to visit the website “wwwndmeetingtodecideif weareastateornot.com” every Monday and Friday nights for the five hour long stream. Voters will be able to speak in different chat rooms organized into different age groups. They are also required to vote when February 31 comes around. Whoever does not vote will be disowned from North Dakota and be immediately sent up to our neighboring country, Canada.


News

April Spoof

5

School song changes to Bravalicious licious a v a Brmikaela HERBERG - General Reporter

Principal Mark Andresen has decided to change the school song to a remix of Fergie’s Fergalicious to increase the pep at MHS. The new song will be put into effect immediately. “This new school song will be sure to turn heads. I can’t wait for all of our Bravalicious Braves to learn it,” Andresen said. The MHS pep band will be learning the song and will preform it for the first time at a pep rally in May. “I can’t wait for the new school song! I love Fergie so much! I totally think this will make our school a peppier place,”said junior Eldin Alagic. Please cut out the lyrics to sing along at the May pep rally.

sarah KOVASH

Listen up Braves, ‘cause this is it The beat that I’m bringin’ is delicious Bravalicious definition make rivals go loco We want their defeat so we get our pleasure from our winning. You can’t beat us, you can’t defeat us. We ain’t weak, we got belief. We got reasons why we beat ‘em. Teams just come and go like seasons. Bravalicious (so delicious) But we ain’t conspicuous And if you were suspicious, All those feelings are fictitious. We aren’t weak we succeed We make them teams lose and lose And Mandan be lining down the block just to watch us win So so vicious (we’re hot hot) So malicious (We beat them teams on the spot, spot) So delicious (they wanna piece of what we got) We’re Bravalicious (m-m-m-m-m-mighty, mighty) Bravalicious def-, Bravalicious def-, Bravalicious def-, Bravalicious definition make them rivals go crazy. They never claim a win Comin’ to call us Braves so crazy, We’re the B to the R, A, V, the E, the S, And no other team is as proud as us.

Mandan and Century combine proms

- News Editor After a meeting between Century’s principal, Steve Madler, and Mandan’s principal, Mark Andresen, it was decided to merge CHS and MHS’s 2014 proms. Both proms were to be held at their prospective schools on Saturday, April 12. Now the merged prom will be held in the MHS gym. “Merging the proms together is a great opportunity that Steve and I couldn’t pass up,” said Andresen. Both principals agreed that it may cause some problems between students because of the Braves/Patriots rivalry but they believe that it will bring the two schools together. “It’s a great way for us to rally together against our worst enemy, Bismarck High School,” said Madler. Students at both schools have been responding differently to the news. Many

students feel they won’t be able to get past the rivalry between the two schools. “If you think Mandan has drama, combining us with Century will only make it worse,” said senior Twee Turr. Andresen agrees it will be difficult for students to understand why we’re doing this at first, but soon they’re understand it is worth it to save money. With the money saved from combing the proms, both schools will be putting their funds together to build a transit from MHS’s main building to the Brave Center, where they hold CTE classes. “Many students have complained that it takes too long to walk from the Brave Center to the main building,” said Andresen. “We’re finally able to put an end to the whining.” With this incentive, many MHS students have changed their minds about the combined prom.

Junior Mye Lee said, “If I have to put up with a shared prom so I don’t have to walk all the way over to the Brave Center, it’s totes worth it.” Others agreed that the new prom may bring the schools closer together and form a bond to break the rivalry. “This could open up numerous opportunities for both schools to make amends with each other,” said Madler. “[Andresen and I] just want everyone to get along.” Tickets for the combined prom will be sold April 1-10 at both schools. Any MHS and Century student or alumni is welcome to attend, however BHS students are forbidden to come in close proximity of the gymnasium while the prom is going on. The prom will be held in MHS’ auditorium on Saturday, April 12 from 7 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.


6 kaitlyn SCHELSKE

News

MHS Spatterinx

Ghosts found among the halls of MHS

- Editor-In-Chief “It was just an ordinary day. I was walking in the hallway, alone. I had gone back after lunch to pick up a snack and my buddies left me, I mean what jerks. Never walk around without a buddy! So I was walking down the second floor English hallway and it was all so quiet. All the teachers had their doors closed and then it happened. The lights quickly turned off, and then when they turned back on, only half of them were lit. One was even flickering, like some horror movie cliche, but it was probably just faulty wiring. I imagine the janitors will take care of it. Ignoring that, I kept walking to Mrs. Jennings' room when I heard this strange noise, like some door was creakily opening up in a scary manner. I mean seriously, this school needs a little tune up. How hard is it to grab some oil on the door and grease that baby up? However, I was almost to Jennings’ room when the janitor room’s door across the hall whipped open and a girl in a white gown appeared.

I was scared so badly that I screamed and I dropped my Rice Krispie treat running towards the classroom. I was in shock for the rest of the day, I couldn’t even watch my favorite show Real Housewives of Orange County when I got home!” This story, told by freshman Phan Tom, recalls some of the weekly ghostly encounters the Mandan High School students have been facing since the beginning of the school year. Rumors had been swirling for several years that MHS was haunted, yet only this year did evidence such as Tom’s testimony show the inevitable truth. While some students saw the hauntings with their own eyes, it took a more personal approach to get the administrators involved. "I was looking around the cafeteria for my favorite snack since I had the munchies and I heard a shrieking that scared me so terribly," said Principle Mark Andresen. "Right then and there I knew we had a problem on our hands, but I did not know who to call." With all the paranormal experts from

North Dakota busy at the moment, fortunately Andresen did not have to look any farther than the high school. The NopeBusters, consisting of three seniors, Shayne Keller, Sydni Schmidt and Jessica Fleck, held great promise for ridding the school of ghosts. With one of their most notable cases being actual communication with Jack and Rose Dawson from the Titanic, Andresen did not hesitate to bring them in. "Once I had received a call from Andresen stating that he needed our help, I just knew we had to take this job," said Keller. For two long weeks, the NopeBusters combed through all of MHS in search of ghosts. When their hope was almost gone, it was discovered that the Brave Center was were all of the ghosts were hiding. “It was a bit tricky but with my recently developed ‘Trap’, we were able to round up all the ghosts and even a Slimer,” said Schmidt. Now with all the ghosts and chaos over, MHS can finally breathe easy.


April Spoof

News

7


kaitlyn SCHELSKE

- Editor-In-Chief

s t u d e n t s d i s c ov e r M

it be in citites or country. The sport has quickly spread across ND and the nation, ince North Dakota was deemed the even turning into a popular pastime in “boring” territory, many new inventions other countries around the world. and sports have been created in an Since parkour turned into widely accepted attempt to change the title to a classier one. sport by people, scores of players have the Of the numerous sports created, one has merged into teams that have risen to play parkour been taken by the state above and beyond in city matches and eventually to recently teams any other sports fandom. It is known as created state tournaments this past year. consisted parkour. With the amount of competing teams, three of. Librarian Parkour is defined by hardcoreparkour. in particular have stood out from the rest: and Media com. as a sport of moving along a route, the Leaping Libs, Office Obliterators and Specialist trying to the Cool Cat Kathryn get around Counselors. Hanlon or through efore captains various matches the Leaping obstacles in were Libs along the quickest televised, no with Library and most photographs Assistants efficient or pictures Paulette Neff manner showed who and Kelly possible. the competitors Kline. This is accomplished by jumping, climbing, were. In a recent game in Minot, it was “I always running or flipping off of discovered by a Mandan High School fan thought objects whether attending the game that the teams had my facade something in common; they were all as a nice, coworkers at MHS. quiet librarian would keep my true identity as a “I totally love watching parkourer a secret,” said Hanlon. “After I broke the parkour games and my arm, it got harder and harder to cover it up.” when I saw who some With the need for a daily rush, the librarians of the teams’ players practice during school hours, although were, I couldn’t believe inconspicuous to students. it!” said junior Anna “Sometimes when I am feeling the urge, I Sassin. “I never jump across library counters, couches and expected the office computers,” said Neff. ladies, counselors or That is where it all started for the next group, librarians to be a the Office Obliterators. part of such a die“While I was on my way to the library to pick hard sport!” up a few printed papers, I saw Paulette jump hen across a table stacked with six chairs and I just Sassin knew I had to get involved,” said Administrative returned Assistant Brenda Olsen. “I convinced the other to school, gossip office ladies to join in, and we put together our occurred and own team.” it was finally With fellow Administrative Assistants Helen discovered who Arenz and Shelly Leingang joining the team, the Obliterators squared off against the Leaping Libs in a tournament game held in Fargo on Photos by Kaitlyn Schelske

fice Ob f O e Th

S

“I always thought my facade as a nice, quiet librarian would keep my true identity as a parkourer a secret.”

B

Leaping Li e h bs T

W

Pictured are the three rival parkour teams. Bottom left: the Leaping Libs. From left to right, Kelly Kline, Kathryn Hanlon and Paulette Neff. Top center: the Office Obliterators. From left to right, Shelly Leingang, Brenda Olsen and Helen Arenz. Bottom right: the team of the Cool Cat Counselors. From left to right Karen Katzung, Diane Pettit and Alyssa Caya.


M H S pa r ko u r r i va l r y

bliterat ors

types of aerobics and Zumba classes with a 15 mile run around Mandan. mixed together with running along Then after school we practice all around Bismarck-Mandan, going over stunts and Interstate 94 to Fargo and back every weekend,” stated Leingang. jumps until about midnight. It is pretty As the months continue to click away tiring, but it will be worth it when we Friday, March 14. to June While they were away, bring and the home the “It was hard to look at my coworkers their absence did not regular NPCAT go unnoticed. season knowing that we are just as game away “I thought it was fishy trophy,” drawing said that all the librarians from complete victory.” to an end, Katzung. and office assistants all three were quiet about fter hearing how the counselors teams look forward to the NPCAT. where they were going he tournament will take place over were preparing, the librarians this weekend and the course of the week of June had to take it to the next level. taking time off of 9-16 in Mandan. Several buildings “A little birdie told me all that the work. Usually they and parks will be involved in the track counselors were doing so we decided are so talkative, so I including the high school and Braves to one up them in our training efforts,” decided to dig in a Center. said Hanlon. “Our workouts are so much little deeper,” said Contestants will work their way Guidance Counselor tougher, it would make Dwayne “The from the north side of Mandan to the Rock” Johnson cry. I would tell you, but I Alyssa Caya. “I south, where the finish line is marked. do not want to give away our secrets on followed them to The trophy will be given away at the how we are getting so ripped.” Fargo and when I Veterans’ Cemetery. As the librarians and counselors duke saw what they were While this is a sport, contestants it out with the battle of the muscles, the doing, I knew the are still forewarned of the dangers in other counselors Diane Pettit and Karen Katzung office ladies look at a more strenuous, parkour that may include death. yet more gentle exercise drills for the would want to join in as well. So we formed the “I know the risks, but I am more than tournament. Cool Cat Counselors.” ready to take the chances,” “We started with many s the season and matches continued said Arenz. different throughout the year, the three teams parkoured their way through the competitors that ultimately tied each of them for first place. With the state tournament dawning upon them, tensions at MHS rose as well. “It is hard to look at my coworkers knowing that we are just a game away from complete victory” said Pettit. “I can barely stand checking out a book.” While the pressure of having rivals literally across the hall, the need to stay professional was being strained. “One night I stayed late to catch up on some work and I heard this noise coming from the hallway,” said Principal Mark Andresen. “I looked out my door and there were Kelly and Shelly parkouring off of students’ lockers! After that, I had to have a stern talking with them.” With the National Parkour Championship of All Time coming up in June, training for all three teams has been vigorous. “The gals and I usually start the day at 4 a.m.

A

A

T

ol Cat Counsel o C or The s


10

Student Life

MHS Spatterinx


Student Life

April Spoof

e?

or a good f g n i tim k o Lo Look no further!

Located just west of Bed St on Nightstand Ave Next to Lamp Emporium

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Open every Monday from 3 a.m. to 6 p.m.

o c k s R’

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Call ahead to make an appointment! Ask for Father Time at 123-456-7890

11

Noobs of the Month Stephanie Mees

How does it feel to be a noob?

“Great! Glad to be here!”

What is your most embarrassing moment so far? “Slipping on the ice; good thing I can laugh at myself.”

As a noob, what is your biggest fear?

“Running someone over with my cart.”

How big is your freshmen pack? “Well my cart is getting pretty heavy.”

Daniel Cahoon

How does it feel to be a noob?

“I’ve endured more harrowing circumstances. Besides, maybe one day I’ll learn everyone’s name.”

What is your most embarrassing moment so far?

“I made a horrific mistake when explaining something to my Latin class. Fortunately, they were kind and didn’t say anything.”

As a noob, what is your biggest fear?

“That I’ll lose the portable and become itinerant. Also, and for a related reason, tornadoes.”

How big is your freshmen pack? “17.5’ x 12’ x 5’”

Photos by Sarah Kovash


Student Life

12

MHS Spatterinx

Therapy pets help stress

Increases in stressed students call for action from administration

mikaela HERBERG

- General Reporter With all of the stress that students have on their plates, pet therapy is the go to solution. Principal Mark Andresen has decided to get the school a few pets to help students deal with their stressful lives. Whenever a student feels stressed, they will be able to push a button located on the top of their desk. Within minutes, a pet will arrive to help calm the student down. “Pet therapy is the perfect way to help students survive their day. Who knows, it may even increase our school’s standardized test scores,” Andresen said. “We will also be getting a tank so that students will be able to swim with the aquatic pets.” The aquatic animal tank will be located in Science teacher Natalie Skovran’s room. Students will be able to come in whenever they are feeling stressed and take a swim with the marine animals. The tank will hold animals like giant squid, piranhas and beluga whales. Wetsuits, oxygen tanks and goggles will be stored next to the tank for students to use. “For some reason, I can just see the piranhas wanting to nibble on the freshman,” Skovran said. When he’s not teaching his knitting class, Science teacher Dewitt Mack is secretly a pet therapy expert. Andresen discovered Mack’s hidden animal talents when he saw Mack revive a fish at the river last summer. When asked about his pet therapy knowledge Mack said,“Pet therapy is useless if soft and cuddly animals are used. To get the best effect, pet therapy should include animals that excite students. Who would want a dog or a cat to calm them down? That’s boring,” Mack said. Professor Denzel Crocker, of the Pet Therapy Institute stated that animals with sharp teeth, poisonous venom, and rough skin are perfect to destress any overworked student. “I personally favor animals perfect enough to wrap in your arms. Who wouldn’t want to cuddle up with a naked mole rat? Giant incisors on the outside of

their mouths along with their nearly hairless body make them uber cute and great for pet therapy,” Crocker said. Along with the naked mole rats, animals like warthogs, anteaters and king cobras will also be used. Leashes will be available by the Counseling Office so students can take the pets for walks around the school. “I don’t see any problems with the exotic animals that we will be bringing in. I think that having them around will help students build character,” Andresen said. In addition to classroom pets, there will also be pets that will roam the hallways throughout the school day. Boa constrictors will slither throughout the school and offer a “hug” to any student

Photo by Mikaela Herberg

Science teacher Natalie Skovran displays one of the new pets to relieve student stress.

that looks sad. Along with these friendly snakes, tarantulas and scorpions will also be around to offer a smile to any student that needs one. Students that misuse pet therapy will have to clean up after all of the animals at the end of the school day. Pooper scoopers and gloves will not be provided. “I really think this is going to make a difference. Students will be less stressed out and will notice their worries vanish before their eyes,” Andresen said. Whether students are nuzzling up with a warthog, burrowing their faces into an anteater, or swimming with a 30 foot long squid, Andresen is hopeful that pet therapy will leave a positive mark on Mandan High.


April Spoof

Sports

13

MHS physical education teacher wins prestigious award

mikaela HERBERG

- General Reporter

Physical education teacher Pat O’Brien has recently been named the Toughest Person in North Dakota due to his excessive short-wearing year round. Governor Jack Dalrymple will be awarding O’Brien the golden trophy this coming fall at the North Dakota State Capitol. The ceremony will also include performances by Beyonce and Madonna, O’Brien’s favorite singers. When asked how he feels about his new title, O’Brien said, “Well, I knew that my numerous accounts of frost-bitten legs over the years would pay off someday. This really is a great honor.” Owning over 100,000 pairs of shorts, O’Brien said that he needs to wear them as much as possible so that he can show them off. “I guess you could say I’m a collector. However, the main reason that I wear shorts on a daily basis is so that my students can aspire to have calves as muscular as mine,” O’Brien said. O’Brien’s collection is one of the largest in the world and contains 50,000 pairs of athletic shorts and 25,000 pairs of cargo shorts; the other 25,000 pairs consist of khaki, sequin and other printed spandex shorts in which he wears around the house. “You probably wouldn’t guess this, but my

weather? favorite pair is actually covered in baby “I first had to build up an immunity lambs. They are lined with cashmere to the cold. I started off by walking and velvet.” through the freezer section at Dan’s O’Brien was selected out of 699,628 Supermarket a few times a week. other individuals that call ND their Butcher Block even allowed me to home. This honor is so huge test my endurance in their large that Principal Mark Andresen freezers. My legs were no match would like to build another for the freezing temperatures trophy cabinet in the front in that meat locker. After I was entryway of the school to able to stand in the freezer for house O’Brien’s trophy. an hour, I knew that any North “I’m thinking about Dakota winter would be a piece of adding a few spotlights cake for me,” O’Brien said. to the floor to shine on Mr. O’Brien will be wearing a new the trophy. Officer Walt pair of golden shorts to accept his will be guarding the trophy. Rumor has it that Governor trophy throughout the Dalrymple will also be sporting a pair day. If anyone decides to of shorts, weather permitting. even look at the trophy The amount of North Dakotans that the wrong way, Walt wear shorts in the winter is fairly small. will refuse to fist bump O’Brien’s ability to keep shorts a staple them for the rest of their in his winter wardrobe is no more than a academic life at Manhabit he says. dan High. Surely this “I feel that just because the weather is punishment is great changing, there is no reason to ditch enough to save the my signature look. Wearing shorts trophy from ever being stolen,” Andresen said. Above Physical Education every day is a commitment that not everyone is cut out for. After So how do O’Brien’s teacher Pat O’Brien proudly all, on a teacher salary, I can not muscular legs handle displays his trophy in one of afford very nice pants.” the cold North Dakota

his many pairs of shorts.

Photo by Mikaela Herberg

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April Spoof

Marching Braves prepare for Rio

hannah SCHLOSSER

- Asst. Editor-In-Chief

kaitlyn SCHELSKE

- Editor-In-Chief

For an organization over 2 years old, or 99 to be exact, the Mandan Marching Braves have never been shy to success. This past season, the team took things a measured step further, qualifying for multiple events in the 2016 Summer Olympics scheduled in Rio de Janiero. While performing for during a football game in September, it was unknown to Drum Majorette and senior Caitlin Heinze that an International Olympic Committee scout was in the stands. “I was approached by a young lad named Olly M. Pick that said he was impressed by the Marching Band’s performance,” Heinze said. “I never knew that he was with the IOC, but when we recieved a letter stating that we were in the Olympics, I knew it had to have been him.” In the upcoming Summer Olympics, the

Marching Braves only qualified for the Team March competition. But after Pick went to several more games and continued to watch the Braves, it was then decided that the Color Guard qualified for the Olympics as well, just with a slight difference. “After I continued to watch the ColorGuard perform, I just knew they had so much talent,” Pick said. “I decided why not put that talent to the test and put them into the 2018 Winter Olympics!” The Colorguard will compete in the Winter Guard competition in events similar to summer, just with snow. Events will range from Highest Flag Tossing to Coolest Dance Moves. “I am just so excited to go to Pyongyang in 2018 and show the world what the Color Guard has to offer!” said sophomore Guy Tar. The competitions for the Marching Braves and Color Guard will be aired right after the Opening Ceremony and will take place Aug. 5-21 and Feb. 9-25.

April Athletes of the Month MarchingBand

15

Sports Roundup

Boys’ and Girls’ Cricket

Tryouts for MHS’ new sports team will begin on Friday, April 4 at 3 a.m. and last until April 11. A parent meeting will then be held on Monday, April 14. Students trying out are required to wear black long sleeve shirts and sweatpants and headbands with antennas to fully represent the team’s name, the MHS Crickets Cricket team.

Boys’ Race Walking

The Boys’ kicked off their season in a home meet against Bismarck with a win of 10-0. The Braves’ fastest walker was freshman Chris P. Bacon with a speed of 2 mph, narrowly beating out Bismarck’s Ham Mee. The team’s next meet will be in Williston on April 15.

Girls’ Table Tennis

The Girls’ Table Tennis team this season has a record of 9-3. Their most notable game was against Minot, where the team was shut out 21-0 in the first match and came back in the next two matches with a score of 15-6 and 20-1.The Braves will be heading to WDA on April 18-20 then advance to State on April 25-27.

Boys’ Tug of War

Captain’s practice for Boys’ Tug of War team begins on April 2 at 10 p.m. and will continue throughout the month on Wednesdays and Fridays. Players are requested to “B.Y.O.R”, or bring your own rope.

Girls’ Tandem Bicycling

Junior Rydel Samuelson Sousaphone

Senior Ben Wanner Trumpet Photos by Mikaela Herberg

The Girls’ raced to Fargo on March 31 to participate in The Great Bike Marathon and placed 3rd. Seniors Amanda Lynn and Barb Dwyer led the way for the team, completing the course in under a hour. The Braves’ next race will be in Mandan on April 5 at the Dacotah Speedway at 8 p.m.


sarah KOVASH - News Editor

Freshman Steve Quintus If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?

“What is a dictionary?”

When we say our mind wanders where does it go?

“My friends do not like me because so and so said it on Facebook.”

If it is zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

“I don’t know, it’s just cold.”

Easy

Sophomore Lorell Jungling

“Spell Check.”

“It goes to a place ‘we’ want to be.”

“Really, really cold.”

0

Junior D’Aulan Bussman

Senior Mark Andresen

Journalism Teacher Maiah McCowan

“The new spelling will become a trend and no one would be the wiser.”

“Where do you find a dictionary? ...In the library..Where’s the library?”

“Nobody will ever know because knowone uses a dictionary anymore.”

“My mind goes to my house where it is sleeping in my bed with my sea of pillows.”

“To any place other than high school!”

“Dreamland with Shark Boy & Lava Girl.”

“-273 K”

“It’s never only 0º, because in ND we have this little thing called wind.”

“Zero squared (0º)2”

Hard

Medium

0

1

1

1

1 0

1

0

0 0

1

1 0

All photos by Sarah Kovash


MHS Courier April Spoof 2014  

The April edition of the Mandan High School Courier contains articles that have been made up. Any resemblance to true and actual events is c...

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