FOUNDER Robert Gartside
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Chaunce Hayden
PUBLISHERS Jairo Arias Chaunce Hayden
ART DIRECTOR Mark McNabb
ACCOUNT SALES Chaunce Hayden Jairo Arias
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Chantal Cyr Mike Wise Jenny Filicky Chaunce Hayden Amanda-Kathryn
ROSEANNE BARR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Naked Truth. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 Mancave . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 Joey McBrides . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 Women’s Fashion. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Men’s Fashion. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 World Cup. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Industry Spotlight: City Tropics. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Sports: The Mets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 Posh Model. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38 Motormouth. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40 20 Percent. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42 Burger of the Month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Music News. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 Between The Sheets. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 Sports: The Yankees . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 Otto D.
6 33 48
WELCOME TO METROPOLIS NIGHTS READ US ONLINE: issue.com/metropolisnights FOLLOW US ON: ADVERTISING INQUIRIES: Please call 201-873-3874 or visit our website at www.metnights.com Happy July 4th... I have to admit had a hard time deciding on a cover for this month. I was torn between the deadbeat millennium son of Long Island parents who had to legally toss the deadbeat out of the house or Roseanne. Both are compelling stories. Loser or racist? Take your pick. The loser, 30-year-old deadbeat dad, Michael Rotondo gained infamy when his story was picked up by every media outlet around the world. His greasy pony tail and hound dog expression made him the face of a disgraced youth culture that has basically given up. Fair or not, it is what it is and sterotypes are real for a reason. However.... don’t feel so bad for Michael. The reality show offers and movie/book deals are indeed coming in by the truck load. As sick as this may sound (and not surprising) being a loser is the same as being an Academy Award winner or singing superstar. The Kardashian’s exist for a reason. Blame ourselves. Now, on the other hand we have Roseanne. Simply amazing. Never hiding her hate and white trash persona, this slob has made millions and achieved superstar status based on her trailer park humor for decades. It seemed like only yesterday we got the pleasure of watching Roseanne cough up a gob of green phlegm and spit it on the the Dodger Stadium infield after a insulting mockery of our National Anthem... and we loved it. But that was during the Howard Stern age of shockisms. In 2018 we will tolerate very little. What is a definite no-no are white on black racism and power raping women. By the way I invented the term “Power Rape” so please give me credit if you use it. Anyway, those are the two big bad career enders. Bill Cosby and Harvey W went with the latter while Roseanne opted out for the hate crime career graveyard. Fascinating! So which one for the cover? Hound dog face or our own Hollywood Hitler? Tough call, but I hope you agree with my pick. Have a safe and awesome holiday!
Chaunce Hayden Publisher @Chauncehayden
Jason Tez Angela Pompelli-Butler
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MARCH - APRIL
Rotondo being evicted from his parents’ house, and all I thought:
Fix Your Hair! By Shappi Khorsani I shared a room with my brother until I was 15 and after that with my grandmother. I didn’t have a bedroom of my own until my third year at university. But it’s important to always be moving forward. I know that in the blink of an eye, my children will be shouting, “Oh GOD, Mom! Why can’t you just leave me alone? You’re trying to ruin my life! You don’t understand me or my music!” and slamming the door. My hope is that they will be doing this at 14 rather than 30. I hope by 30, they will be living in their homes, which will be quite near mine, and I will have keys to their homes and be able to pop in and out as I wish, dropping in groceries, rearranging their furniture and putting up guests in their spare room. I imagine whoever they will be sharing their life with will not see this as an intrusion but a welcome quirkiness they could not be without. This, by the way, is what my own life became like after I gave my mother my keys “in case of emergency”. To my mother, dropping in some particularly ripe aubergines she came across at a market is an emergency. I welcome my mother’s unannounced visits to my home. I’m lucky to have her and my father still to fuss over me and buy me nightshade vegetables. Partners have not been quite so understanding and I’ve been known to hiss, “She is my mom, she is welcome any time and no, she cannot ‘text to give us warning’ because she keeps her phone in my kitchen drawer.” Happily, my being single now makes my mother’s life much easier. Coming home to find her napping on my sofa causes no ripples in my life, though my cats do get the hump. Sharing everything, including a roof, is the culture of my family. Everyone’s door is always open. We constantly had family from Iran staying with us for months, sometimes years, during my childhood. A relative with depression slept on our sofa for almost two years. I shared a room with my brother until I was 15 and after that with my grandmother. I didn’t have a bedroom of my
own until my third year of college. I yo-yoed back and forth to my parents’ house until my late twenties. Never for long – I did cleaning jobs, bar work and life modelling to supplement my standup comedy wages before I finally saved for a deposit and properly moved out. There has to be a balance, an understanding, a mutual respect. I was at home, but I kept busy: I was haphazardly building my future. Your parents shouldn’t have to resort to taking you to court to get you to live independently. I can’t help but feel for the mother of Michael Rotondo, the 30-year-old whose parents took him to court this week to boot him out of their house. I imagine after eight years of nagging “Michael, if you don’t tidy up your room, I’m going to take you to see the judge”, she finally acted on her threat. It’s one thing living with your parents because you are in dire straits, in a transitional period, ill or contributing to the household or if your family’s culture leans towards communes, but if you’re not and it doesn’t, then after eight years (Rotondo apparently moved back in with his parents at 22 after a job loss), it’s time, perhaps, for some tough love. Rotondo, it seems, didn’t get a job after he moved back in. Any job. A job isn’t just about money: it’s a reason to get you up and out of bed, to be somewhere, to feel productive and useful. During a low period in my teens, I dropped out of college and drifted for a while. It was ghastly. I was in a funk, and I felt totally useless until I volunteered in a charity shop. It mattered if I didn’t turn up. My clothes-sorting skills were missed and knowing that allowed me to slowly climb out of the pit I’d climbed in. In my early twenties, I was lost again after uni and didn’t know how to stop drinking all the time. I spent a couple of years living at home. I earned a little money as a cleaner but mostly worked as a volunteer in a theatre company with homeless young people. It’s a luxury to do full-time volunteering and I couldn’t have done it if I didn’t have free accommodation at my parents’ house. My parents trusted that it would lead to something. It did. It led to hanging out every night in comedy clubs and eventually getting on the stage myself. Watching interviews with Rotondo as he spoke to journalists while constantly fiddling about with his luscious locks, I thought, “You’re not going to get a job if you can’t leave your hair alone for a moment – stop it! Stand up straight! Be a bloody grown-up!” As a parent, you delight in your children’s growing independence landmarks: their first steps, when they first dress themselves and look like Lady Gaga on acid but you praise them because they did it on their own. By the time they are 30, I want to be saying, “Did you set up a direct debit for your council tax all on your own? Who’s mummy’s clever thing, then?” And, of course, demanding my own keys to their home.
APRIL - MAY 7
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GREEN DAY By Otto D
Man Cave (Otto D)
It’s A Given That every time your watching your favorite TV show and a commercial comes on, you change the station just to find another commercial.
Samuel L. Jackson Samuel Leroy Jackson, the highest grossing actor of all time was born December 21,1948 An American actor, producer, everything and anything about every kind of movie ever made. Born in Washington D.C. and grew up in Chattanooga, Tennessee during some tough times of segregation and is a huge activist for the civil rights movement. Jackson began his career appearing in plays, stage and theatrics and finally leading to major motion pictures. The list of movies that this gentleman has starred in is endless. So I went through his list and put together my personal top 5 favorites..(1 being my favorite)
5. The Negotiator 4. 187 3. Shaft 2. All Marvel Comics as Nick Fury 1. Pulp Fiction
Tequila Or Mezcal?
So as were out at our local watering hole and somebody orders a round of mezcal, is it actually tequila that your drinking? The answer in my opinion is NO it’s not the same thing. Let me enlighten the eye watering situation. I believe people start with tequila then further move onto mezcal. Back in the day mezcal was that nasty bottle with the worm in it. It was said that if you got to the worm and swallowed it you would hallucinate. Not true at all, I’ve swallowed before (ok take it easy) and in reality it’s the fact that you drank the whole bottle is why you hallucinate! You must know that all tequilas are mezcals. Mezcals are any agave-based liquor, and therefore tequila is a subset of mezcal produced in specific regions of Mexico and made only from the Blue Agave. There are certain rules and regulations that separate one from the other. 1. Tequila and mezcal are produced in different states of Mexico (though there is overlap). 2. Tequila can only be made, by law, with one variety of agave: the Blue Agave. Mezcal can be made with upwards of 30 varieties of agave, though most are made with the Agave Espadin. 3. The production process for mezcal is different from tequila which leads to a distinctly different flavor profile for mezcal, smokier. (Please Worm Responsibly)
5 2 1
Weed, herb, bud, cannabis, reefer, grass, and of course Mary Jane are endless names of “marihuana “ that are known to everyone who is culturally involved in the lifestyle of this plant that has existed for millennia. Both as a medicine and as a recreational substance, cannabis is the most popular illicit drug in the world. The legalization of this plant in many states has seen it’s own side effects, and don’t kid yourself for better or worse it will be in everyone’s neighborhood within a matter of time (like it already isn’t). Commercial cannabis businesses are already making an enormous economic impact. Some may argue several points, revenue and health benefits are at the top of the list for “pros”. As far as “cons” people are arguing the facts of the drop in sales of alcohol and that recreation use has doubled. Now I know every ass has a seat and I’m not here to preach one way or another. To each their own, but what I would like to do is share some facts about a plant that could grow rite next to your tomatoes. Knowing the anatomy of Cannabis sativa is crucial to understanding what distinguishes high-quality marijuana from its lesser varieties. It also helps patients, caregivers and recreational users understand what they’re consuming when they use cannabis, and why. Cannabis plants can be male, female, or hermaphrodite, but it’s the female plant that produce large resin-secreting flowers that are rich in cannabinoids. So yes you want the female plant to smoke although the males do contribute and are required for pollination. The flowers of female cannabis plants grow in large clusters called cola, with the main cola at the top of the plant. Encasing these parts are green tear-shaped leaf-like structures called the bract. Bracts are densely coated with resin-producing glands containing the highest concentration of cannabinoids in the marijuana plant. Hang, clip, dry and smoke or produce.
This Budz For You!
Cannabis plants are chemical powerhouses that produce more than 400 different compounds. But of those 400 compounds, more than 100 of them are totally specific to the plant genus Cannabis sativa. Scientists call these special compounds “cannabinoids.” Here is brief chemical breakdown of extracts from the plant.
1. THC: The legendary tetrahydrocannabinol is the chemical that gets you high or stoned. 2. CBD: This is the part of the plant that is SAVING LIVES. Cannabidiol holds the key to the wide variety of medicinal and therapeutic effects marijuana offers. Importantly, CBD is a non-psychoactive component of marijuana. 3. CBG: CBG, like CBD, has no high effect. Yet this compound is a key precursor to both THC and CBD. It acts as a kind of vanishing mediator. As soon as CBG appears, it just as quickly converts to either CBD or THC. (It’s not a leader, it’s a follower.) 4. THCV: Acting like THC “lite,” THCV like CBD can dampen the effects of a strong high. Yet at higher doses, THCV kicks into a psychoactive stimulant in its own right. 5. CBDV: CBDV shares the medicinal use of CBD. 6. CBC: CBC is gaining popularity as an anxiety reducer. Still under construction shown from my research. Lets get into strains and breeding. For years there was talks of only one strain in existence (sativa), but later learning that there are actually 3. 1. Indica Strain: (or better known as inda couch). Calling something an “indica strain” indicates a distinct set of effects and sensations, rather than anything having to do with marijuana growth patterns. Indicas are often thought of as the “heavier” strains of cannabis, offering stronger highs that impact the whole body. They’re popular among marijuana users as pain relieving and sleep-inducing strains. Indicas are especially popular among medical cannabis patients. 2. Sativa Strain: If indicas are the “downers” of the cannabis family, sativas are the uppers. Known for invigorating and uplifting sensations, with a high focus in the mind rather than the body, sativas are extremely popular as daytime-use strains and for social occasions. Sativas are also widely associated with the cerebral and creativity-enhancing effects of weed. Hence, they are lauded by artists and other inventive people who use cannabis. 3. Hybrid Strain: As the name suggests it’s a crossbreed consisting of both Indica and Sativa and can effect everyone slightly different than expecting a certain use. More like pot luck! As far as the home made products are concerned, I think you should leave everything to the professionals where there is more control over dosage. Let me use Robert De Niro as an example from Casino, “I want the same amount of blueberries in every muffin”....you figure it out from there. (Please Strain Responsibly)
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Cutest Swimsuits for under $50 NIKKI ROSE @nik_lovins
Who isn’t obsessed with buying new bathing suits for summer? There’s just something about each year being a little different and having a variety of styles and colors to choose from. Not to mention, new styles and patterns are always popping up. I personally love to have them all. The one down side of bathing suit shopping—they are the tiniest pieces of material with the largest price tags. So I scoured a few of my favorite online shopping sites for cute bathing suits with affordable prices! All of these are under $50 and if you visit these sites, there are plenty more to choose from! Black Banana Leaf Multi Tie bikini top $18, and bottom $12
White Bandage Detail Bardot bikini top $18, and bottom $15 www.prettylittlething.comº
JUNE - JULY
Nasty Gal Alina Striped Swimsuit, $40 www.nastygal.com
LA Hearts Lace-Up One Piece Swimsuit, $49.95
Missguided Halter Tie Waist Swimsuit, $32
Kickoff Summer 2018 In Style Summer is all about good times and feeling good. Don’t stress about putting together the perfect look. Try out some of these key pieces below and I promise you will lo have planned.
Less Is More Simple, understated tops can be the key to a clean look, plus you can take less time getting ready in the morning. It may be plenty of fun to wear graphic tees or tanks, but don’t overwear these as they can appear somewhat messy. Wear light-colored and airy fabrics like cotton and linen to keep and look cool. Kent & Curwen Striped T-Shirt, mrporter.com | $105 UO Sweater Polo Shirt, urbanoutfitters.com | $60
JASON TEZ @TezTrends
Summer Kicks Footwear should be light and clean and remember to ditch the sandals if you’re going hiking, walking or doing another activity that requires more footwork. A good option and summer staple is white sneakers. Also, the casual slip-on is effortless and perfect for a beach day or vacation. Zara - Pastel Pink Sneakers, zara.com | $50 Vans - Gum Sole Slip-On, vans.com | $50
Finish off your elevated summer style with the right accessories. Great options for summer include beachy or leather wrap bracelets and a caps. Make a fashion statement with bold sunglasses that show off your personality. Miansai - Anchor Cord Bracelet, mrporter.com | $80 Quay - Still Standing Aviator, quayaustralia.com | $50 adidas - Trefoil Strapback Hat, zumiez.com | $25
Mr.P Bermuda Shorts, mrporter.com | $85 Printed Bermuda Shorts, zara.com | $35
Want more photos & videos from NYFW? Follow@teztrends on Instagram or visit teztrends.com.
Put those baggy, longer shorts in the past and embrace your present fashion sense by donning some that are one to two inches above the knee. Shorter shorts look cleaner and feel a lot better on by being somewhat form fitting. Consider fun printed ones like camouflage or solid neutral colors. Pair these with a tee, polo, or casual shirt and you’re good to go.
Complete Your Look
JUNE - JULY
Shorts: Higher & Printed
jUNE - JULY 24
2018 WORLD CUP
FINAL TOURNAMENT SCHEDULE
JUNE - JULY
CITY TAN STORY
Itâ€™s Tanning Time!
A Conversation with City Tropics Tanning Salon in North Arlington By Amanda-Kathryn (aka RamblesofRed)
Above: Owner Anthony Ruccatano Opposite Page: Staff Brianna & Rachel Rodriguez
Well all, it looks like Summer and good weather finally found us. While most have the luxury of heading to the beach, I’m taking a job to support my upcoming semester for school. This leaves me very little time to enjoy the ocean this year (tear), so I must find other alternatives for working on my sun-kissed glow. Never fear! There is a solution to ditching my winter-woe look, and it lacks the sandy mess that I’m bound to endure just to partake in the many activities the Jersey Shore has to offer. Ready for my suggestion? City Tropics Tanning Salon on Ridge Road in North Arlington. It’s right around the corner from me, meaning no long car ride or traffic (thank God!) and the staff is more than equipped in helping you look your summer best. I had a chance to sit down with proud owner Anthony Ruccatano, to talk about what he knows best -- how to achieve that perfect tan without breaking your bank.
Open Sun 1050: a cool and air tanning bed offering a comfortable and safe exposure experience, Ergoline Prestige 1100: good for those looking for high pressure deep body tan, and the Affinity 800: a cool tanning bed offering climate control, aroma, and aqua mist just to name a few… Now you may recall in the beginning on how I touched on spray tanning being a good option for me. I’ll be honest, my one fear that has kept me from ever doing it myself at home is that I’d ending up looking like an Oompa Loompa. Well thanks to City Tropic’s VersaSpa sunless tanning system, that is one concern I needn’t worry about. It has more than enough standing room with no UV light exposure necessary, and the best part? The results look natural, like I just came off the beach, and can last you up to 7 days with good maintenance--winning! Now let’s talk pricing and packages.
If you are anything like me, I’m a complete newbie to the tanning salon trend. In fact, I’ve never even set foot in one before. This is probably because I’ve never done any research on the topic, and I figured laying on the beach was just as effective. However, doing what I thought can be a tad risky and I’m open to other ideas. When asking Mr. Ruccatano what he would suggest for someone like me (with the palest of pale complexions), he mentioned his customizable plans at City Tropics for both bed and spray tans alike. For me, I wouldn’t be able to sit in a UV tanning bed without risking becoming a lobster, instead, I’m probably best doing a nice spray tan. According to Ruccatano, “Safety is always first when it comes to our clients.” So, rest at ease that City Tropics has your back, and your safety is number one concern for them when it comes to customizing a tanning plan that is right for you.
Depending on whether you’re a typical bed tanner or spray tanner, or both, there is a plan for you. For new patrons, you’ll jump to know that there are no contracts and tax is already included in all plan prices. This means there are no surprise fees awaiting you in the purchase price, how great is that? Another bonus? Your first tan is FREE in any bed, and you also receive free lotion packet…no purchase required. Amazing. Here are my plan recommendations: If you’re a student, hit up the 1-month plan for $79 or the 2-month for $139. Not a student? No problem! You’ll still save with great prices starting at 1 month for $99 to a 5-month plan for $299. Just ask the friendly ladies at the desk for more information, they are more than happy to guide and help you.
Upon entering City Tropics, you’ll notice the dimly UV lit atmosphere, comfy seating, and big screen TV in the waiting area. You won’t be ignored, for the staff is very friendly and greeted me almost immediately upon entering. They even offered me coffee and brownies, which let’s admit, is pretty much my kryptonite on every level. Brownie points earned ladies, no pun intended there. Mr. Ruccatano proceeded to show me the rest of the facility, and I noticed some of the different types of equipment behind very neat and upkept rooms to ensure privacy and the optimal guest experience. Some of these include:
With 2 locations in both Nutley and North Arlington, and great plans to choose from, it is no wonder people are ditching the beach traffic and choosing to keep going back to City Tropics Tanning Salon for their year-round summer tan needs. Their super friendly staff, clean environment, and no contract or tax included pricing is a winning combination on all accounts. Don’t forget to follow City Tropics Tanning Salon on your Facebook and Instagram accounts to keep up with all the latest deals and offers. You won’t be disappointed, so what are you waiting for? Go check them out today, and happy tanning!
WHY IS SO MUCH WORSE BEING A METS FAN THAN A KANSAS CITY ROYALS FAN.
BY CHAUNCE HAYDEN
While my young friend Phil Boozeman has made the argument that the Kansas City Royals, with their multiple consecutive losing seasons and general irrelevance, have made their fans suffer through the most brutal of times, I’d counter that it’s the Mets, who have (occasionally) fielded good teams over the years, even great ones, whose fans have had it the worst. Not only have we been forced to suffer through terrible losing seasons and general irrelevance for years on end, but we’ve also experienced unbearable pain and heartbreak, national headline-grabbing financial fiascos (and ensuing criminal investigations), and completely in- ept owners. And Bobby Bonilla’s never-ending contract. Let’s start with the losing… and there has been LOTS of losing. The Mets haven’t won a championship since 1986, a year after the Royals’ prior crown. Sure, they reached the post-season in 1988, 1999, 2000 and 2006, but not without some HORRIBLE seasons in between, like the sad-sack Mets of the early and mid ’90s (embodied by Anthony Young’s 27-game winless streak), and all those empty seats at newly constructed Citi Field for years on end until the near past. And all of those post-season eliminations came in the most heart-wrenching form possible. Like the Braves’ ’99 win in six games, before which Robin Ventura’s infamous “grand slam single” seemed to point to destiny. Or losing to the fucking Yankees, of all teams, in 2000. Or the Cardinals snatching victory from the jaws of defeat with Adam Wainwright’s famous “knee-buckling curve” after what has since come to be known simply as “the catch” (video below), another feat that seemed to call destiny’s name at the time. I was at Shea that night and we KNEW the Mets were going to win after Endy made that catch, there was no doubt. Mets fans still haven’t forgiven Carlos Beltran for not swinging. To the point,
the theme of being a Mets fan seems to be feeling destined to have it all, but always being forced to play second fiddle in the most humiliating way possible. Way worse than just being used to sucking all the time, like the Royals. Further, to be a Mets fan is to be a monkey in a fucking circus, being hopelessly led around the ring with the promise of a big, fat banana that never seems to materialize. To wit: 1) Mets’ owner Fred Wilpon’s involvement with Bernie Madoff, losing tens of millions of dollars and sinking the team to mediocrity for half a decade, 2) Big contract busts like Mo Vaughn, Jason Bay, Kazuo Matsui, Vince Coleman and the aforementioned Bonilla, who the Mets will literally be paying until 2035. 3) Mike Francesa, 4) The media in general, a spectacle that makes Barnum & Bailey look like a poodle show in comparison, and 5) John Rocker. Just to name a few.
Which is worse: growing accustomed to perennial suckitude, or being shown a taste of the promised land only to have it abruptly ripped away time and time again?
And then there’s the Yankees. The Yankees and their stupid faces, and their dumb, name-less Jerseys (the audacity!), big, soulless, overpriced stadium and eternally insufferable fans. The late ’90s and early ’00s were some particularly difficult times, not just because the Yankees were so good but because the Mets also had some good teams during that era (and some bad ones) but always had to settle. And settling means never hearing the end of it from your cousin/ friend/relative who’s of the insufferable Yankee fan variety; whatever, he’s probably from Long Island or New Jersey anyway, so the joke’s on him. Plus the Yankees haven’t been very good the past few years, which has been nice! Annual YED (Yankee Elimination Day) is always a holiday worth celebrating. Also: Shea Stadium, aka the toilet bowl of all baseball stadiums. Yeah, it was OUR toilet, but it was still a toilet, and the hot dogs tasted like it too. Good riddance. So yeah, being a Mets fan is fucking tough. But hey, at least we have Mr. and Mrs. Met, baseball’s best mascots, to keep us company and sling oversized t-shirts we’ll never wear into the crowd during both good times and bad.
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Barr with Chaunce Hayden
A few years ago America’s most racist comic (human) asked me to join her for dinner to discuss her revived career. Of course I coudn’t resist! Looking back at our chat I’m still fasinating by this woman and how she’s managed to go from rags to riches to racist. Here’s a look back at our dinner chat.
ON HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY “LIFE”
Chaunce Hayden: There was a time not too long ago when I couldn’t walk past a tabloid or magazine and not see you mentioned. But over the last few years, you seem to have vanished from the limelight. Where have you been? Roseanne Barr: That actually was a long time ago. People don’t realize that was 10 years ago when I used to be seen in those things all the time.
now. So it’s like a second chance? It’s like a first chance! Because when I was in second grade I was no good then either! (Laughs) I sucked! What kind of reaction do you get from parents when you show up at PTA meetings?
How have you enjoyed the time off from the headlines? I thank God I figured out how to get a little peace and quiet. I needed it! Has it changed you?
Well, they know me by now. They might have thought it was cool in kindergarten for a minute. But they all know me now and they don’t care. They like it when it’s my snack day because when I’m the one that brings the snacks, I’ll tell you what, I bring the snacks! I don’t mess around with those little Fruit Roll-Up jobs. I bring the real deal!
What, the peace and quiet? So to speak, yes. Oh yeah! Not working all the time and being off TV and kind of out of the loop saved my life. It’s just great. Thank God! Yes. For some reason, I was expecting you to say that you miss the attention and the excitement. No, I don’t miss that. I do miss telling jokes and seeing people laugh. That’s what I really miss after taking a long time away. That’s what I really like to do. I don’t miss going out with other Hollywood people or any of that crap. Tell me about your life these days. What is a typical day like for you?
Does it make you feel dumb?
All I watch on TV is the Hitler Channel [referring to the History Channel] and Conan [O’Brien]. I don’t care about all the other stuff. I actually also watch “The Daily Show.” There are probably four shows that I like. You’re not a fan of reality television? (Yells) I HATE IT! I HATE IT! Reality TV has taken over television. How do you avoid it? I know! People like to watch other people eat rats and stuff. Man, that sucks! But weren’t you offered and didn’t you accept your own reality show? Yeah, I did it and then I got really sick because I realized I couldn’t get out of it. (Laughs) They gave me a choice between continuing and having an organ removed! So I had an organ removed so that it could end. Did you really have an organ removed? Yeah, I had my uterus taken out. I figured I was going to lose it anyway since I’m in my 50s. I mean, I didn’t need it anymore. So I thought, let them have it, as long as I can get off that show.
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I get up at 6 a.m. and I drink some coffee and play solitaire on the computer for about an hour. And if anything comes over me that I want to write, I’ll stop and write it down. My son wakes up at 7 a.m. and from that point on my entire life is regimented into 15-minute increments that end at 9:15 p.m. when I go to sleep. Most of my life is about homework. I go to school every day by helping my kid with his homework. But I’m lost! I’ve got two tutors and I still can’t get it. He’s in fourth grade and I never did any shit like this, even in high school! It’s shocking to me how the world has moved forward.
What do you watch on television when you’re not doing homework?
Do you surf the Net? Over the last few years I’ve had a Web site where I talked to people and stuff like that. I posted writers, columnists, and poets. But I had to get rid of that when my son’s homework started to become three hours a night. These days there’s no time to do anything but homework. I swear! I don’t know how people who have more than one kid are doing it.
I’m surprised that experience didn’t become part of the show rather than the end of the show. You know, they probably would have tried to do that. But no, I barricaded myself at the subject of them filming me in the bathroom. It was the most disgusting and horrifying experience I had yet, and everyone knows how many of them I’ve had on TV. But that did it for me. That was the end of TV for me. That was it. So you’re officially finished with television? That’s it. I’m done. Porn, maybe.
Do you at least enjoy it? Well look what porn did for Paris Hilton. No, I hate it! I never liked school. But I have to fake it so my kid will think [school] is a good thing. (Laughs)
(Laughs) My little boy thinks she’s cute. I don’t even know who she is or anything.
I get the feeling that when you were the biggest star on television during the mid-’90s, things were different in terms of doing homework with the kids.
She’s the tall, rich, skinny blonde who made a career out of being a tall, rich, skinny blonde.
Oh yeah, I wasn’t able to be there for my kids as much as I am now. I was doing that show [Roseanne] and I was busy fighting every day. I never got to be in fourth grade until
Her career? Good for her. I really don’t care. It’s all so vile. Everyone’s a porn star these days. People are obsessed with porn.
Yeah, real dumb. Really dumb. But I’m excited that I’m learning a little bit more about computers and math. I never really would have gotten the chance to learn otherwise.
Do you agree that to be famous today you also have to be shocking? I don’t know if that’s true, but that’s how it looks right now. That’s because people who are in power don’t know what talent is. Christ, they wouldn’t see it if it hit them over the head or fell on top of them while they were sitting there. They have no idea what talent is. But somebody who shows their tits is good entertainment, I guess. They’ve driven away all the viewers who had half a brain. Those people have moved on to the Internet, or just living their lives and reading and talking to people. The only people who watch TV today are the dumbest people in the world. They think it’s cool to watch people eat rats and spit worms. You’re referring to “Fear Factor”? Yeah, it’s just the bottom of the barrel. Instead of trying to get back the intelligent viewers, the networks just keep pandering to the dumb ones. What about Dr. Phil? (Screams) I HATE DR. PHIL! HE’S SATAN! I HATE HIM! I want to go on record! I hate Dr. Phil and I would fight a grudge match with him if I were a wrestler. Now that would be great television. Dr. Phil is just a freakin’ used car salesman using barnyard psychology. Once they turn off those cameras, nobody does anything that he says. He’s just a fat slob talking about how to lose weight, and who wants to hear that?
It never would have happened. I never would have let that happen. But I have a feeling that I will be called upon at some point to save this government, and I’m ready, willing, and able. What’s wrong with the government, in your opinion? It’s just pure show business. Like Bush the other night, giving a speech. He was just working the room. It was an act. It had nothing to do with reality. He’s just out there telling bad jokes and giving sound bites. There’s no reality to it whatsoever. All the politicians today just do an act. They’re nightmares. People who actually have something to say are being prevented from saying it. Let’s not forget that. Who are the people who have something to say but aren’t being heard? Anybody that’s intelligent! Think about it. Those people are being totally wiped out of pop culture. It’s only the people who sell things that we hear from anymore. The people who sell things. It’s all show biz. I said it on “Saturday Night Live” ten years ago when I was hosting. I said, “Don’t let show business decide your government.” But it’s happened. It’s all show business and Arnold Schwarzenegger is the proof of that. It’s worse now than it’s ever been. I guess people think Arnold will ride on his Humvee and blow up a bunch of people and save us. There’s just no reality to it. The reality is that teenagers are dying in Iraq. The reality is that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s kids aren’t going to go to Iraq. In fact, I would guess that Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t know one human being whose kids have gone to Iraq … unless it’s a maid. I would say that Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t hang out with one human being who has anybody in their family who risks anything. The rich are just getting richer than they ever dreamed of getting. Like I say in my act, the rich got the chickens voting for Colonel Sanders! What the f—k? People are so doped up on porn and Zoloft that they can’t freaking think anymore.
Did you see his special on raising children, where he told a young child’s parents that the child might end up becoming a serial killer?
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I thought that was the most satanic thing anyone has ever said on television, and that includes Oprah! She’s Satan herself! But Dr. Phil sits upon the right hand of Satan. I hate him and his wife! I shouldn’t go off like this, but he’s just so stupid! The dumbing down of America is purely evident if you watch just five minutes of that guy and don’t see that he’s a scam artist. He’s got nothing of value to say to anybody, and I’d like to knock the shit out of him! So why do millions watch him? (Yells) BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING ELSE ON! That’s why people should get into solitaire on the computer. It’s much more entertaining. The only thing worth watching on television is “Court TV,” and anything on the Hitler Channel. 24/7 Hitler! I love it! All day, all night! You’ll see many parallels from our time to be learned from watching that. I think people should do that immediately! The only thing good on TV is watching Hitler getting killed in his bunker. I actually think that Dr. Phil is Hitler! He’s Hitler reincarnated. In your stand-up act, don’t you call Arnold Schwarzenegger a Nazi?
So let’s recap. Good is The History Channel, Conan O’Brien, Court TV, and The Daily Show. Bad is reality TV, Dr. Phil, politicians, and the rich. Dr. Phil having Laura and George Bush was about the scariest thing that’s ever been on television. John Kerry and his wife on Dr. Phil was scary too. It was just scary. Who are you voting for? I’m a Democrat, are you kidding? I vote for the party. You’ve always been the voice for blue-collar America. I know, that’s why they tried to shut me up! I’ve called every damn show to tell them I want to come on, and they all say “No!” I’ve been kept off of everything! For example? Name it!
I say that I had an affair with him and it’s embarrassing because of that whole Jew/Nazi thing. Although his dad was a Nazi and so was his grandfather. I don’t know if he is … but.
FOX news has dozens of talk shows. Not one of them will have you on?
Now it’s Governor Schwarzenegger.
Actually, Bill O’Reilly just called me to come on.
(Yells) CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! I can’t even believe it!
I wonder what would have happened in the mid-’90s if you ran for Governor of California?
I’m going to go on his show because there’s no voice of
(Laughs) What hump? The hump of death? Yes, it’s totally downhill now! How does that make you feel? Pissed! I don’t want to die! I don’t like it! I don’t like getting old and not being able to smoke.
So you also have a problem with FOX News?
Fifty isn’t considered old anymore.
I’m actually getting a big thrill out of FOX News right now. My 25-year-old son and I are getting a big thrill out of FOX. We think that Kerry winning the debates really shook FOX News up. They thought they were the voice of the common person, and all of a sudden you can see them reeling how they might not be. So they’re scrambling over there to try to bring in something other than the Christian Right voice. I think it’s great that they called me because I’m anything but that.
Well, you can’t smoke anymore! I had to give up smoking.
What kind of voice are you?
Because of health issues? No, but you just can’t smoke after 50 if you want to live. Do you have any vices these days? Yeah, but I can barely enjoy them. I’ve tried to change all my vices into things that won’t kill me. So have you become a gym rat?
I’m pretty close to the working person’s voice, or at least as close as it’s going to get.
I do that once a year! But I also walk around the malls.
I think O’Reilly will have his hands full with you.
How would you describe your health at this very minute?
I’m so ready for Bill O’Reilly, let me tell you! I’m so ready! I’m practiced, I’m rehearsed, and I’m freaking looking good! Did you see Alec Baldwin on O’Reilly’s show?
I would say I’m okay. Thank God. I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want to jinx myself. I still have enough energy to chase after a nine-year-old kid and work all the time. So that’s pretty good.
No. He did so good! I called him to congratulate him. He did a great job with Bill O’Reilly! If you’re looking for a way to represent the working class of America in front of millions, why not go on Howard Stern? Yeah, well, he’s doing good, but I don’t want to show my tits!
It’s always kind of scary. I would like to go on Howard Stern if I was going to talk about the world and politics without having to end up talking about who I was married to and blah blah blah. I can’t seem to get away from that and I don’t like it.
I read a quote from you where you actually admit to missing PMS. Right. It’s the one time of the month where I’m allowed to be myself. That’s so true for women. We so get that “Get Out of Jail Free” card when it comes to PMS. People think women are crazy when they’re going through menopause, so in a way it’s kind of good. Everyone just lets you run off at the mouth because they all think you’re out of your mind, and it’s true. I am out of my mind. That brings me to my next question. There was a time when you claimed to have dozens of people living in your brain. How is your multiple personality disorder doing?
I’m not sure if that pisses me off or not. How much did you earn?
What exactly did you do to get better and come to terms with your mental disorder?
Don’t be upset, it just means that I’m not quite as wealthy as you may think. I’m not trying to hide money and screw people.
I learned to meditate, and I learned Kabbalah and to focus my mind and to stop running away and to be responsible for the things I do and say. I actually learned to back up my shit and walk the walk and talk the talk. I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to also actually heal some of the damage that I caused in my personal relationships and in the world. I’m real, real lucky and real, real blessed for that. Now that I have my family back together and know what’s going on, I just want to slap Dr. Phil and all those other people who don’t know what they’re talking about. I’m feeling the love!
I like that! I think this is the most important time we’ve ever had in this country. Who’s going to take care of the people? The rich? People have been tricked into thinking that the rich are going to take care of them. Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you rich?
Let’s talk about turning 50. How traumatic was it for you? Well, I’m going to 52 in three weeks. Does life get better once you pass over that hump, so to speak?
Hey, I got a lot of family to support. I’m not as wealthy as you might think, and I have a huge family. Let me put it this way, I not only didn’t have to pay taxes, I got a refund! I got a big refund this year!
That’s just a fancy word for dissociation. I had dissociative thinking. Now I don’t. I went to therapy for a real long time and did a lot of work for over a decade and got better. I think that’s real good news. At least it is for me. (Laughs) But I miss being able to ignore things and act like I didn’t even know what was going on! Now that I’m not divided, I can look out into the world and see how divided everybody and everything really is because I’m not anymore. People are living the way that I used to live by pretending that things aren’t going on that are. Acting that things don’t mean what they really mean or acting like everything has a meaning when it doesn’t. That’s actually what it’s like to have dissociative disorder.
But he’s a Kerry supporter as well.
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Do you think he would make you?
the working person on television. It’s all just rich people talking about making money in Iraq, and whether it’s right to make money there or not. They totally just rid themselves of the working people in their voice. I can’t even believe it! There’s no union voice! Just rich people who aren’t even talking about this country, except whether or not Iraq was a mistake. I think it’s been proven it was a mistake, now what about this country?
Since you’re feeling love, let’s talk about your exhusbands. How do you feel about Tom Arnold, Ben Thomas, and Bill Pentland? Well, you know I have kids with both Ben and Bill. I didn’t have any kids with Tom. When you have kids with somebody, they’re in your life forever so you have got to make it work. I never had kids with Tom so I have no reason to continue any friendship or anything like that. When I was with Tom, it was the most horrible time in my life and the craziest. It was not a good time in my life for me, my kids, or my family. It was all negative, so I just let it go and wished him well. I don’t feel one thing or another about it. It’s just over and I moved on.
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What was going on in your life that you weren’t aware that New York had been attacked until two days afterwards? I was in bed. I was so depressed. I didn’t even open the curtains. I just stayed in bed until my son would come home from school. At night we would just listen to music and read. But we had no contact with the world. But after September 11th we decided to have contact with the world and move to a real neighborhood with real people. I didn’t want to be that isolated anymore. I made a big change in my life because of September 11th.
Do you watch any of Tom’s work on television or film?
Patriotism was not something associated with your name after you were killed by the press for your controversial singing of the National Anthem before a Dodgers game.
No. Not at all. I don’t care anyway. I wish him well, but I don’t care. (Laughs) But I get along with my first and third husbands as well as you can.
I used to love to sing on stage. I sang in all my stage performances, including my HBO specials. I sing the [National Anthem] a lot better than what people heard that day at Dodgers stadium. I just got real nervous and didn’t do well. Fear can make you look really stupid and I got really scared. I didn’t know what else to do.
Rodney Dangerfield played a big part in your life, as he did so many other young up-and-coming comics. How were you affected by his recent death? I was a pallbearer at his funeral. He helped two generations of us comics. He not only helped us, he mentored us and loved us and protected us. Plus, Rodney always had the best pot! That was so awesome! I just want to say that. He was my idol and the greatest that ever lived. The fact that I got to have a friendship with my idol is as good as it gets in this world. That was cool. His wife loved him so much. So he had a happy ending. I’m glad for that. He deserved it. Did you watch the made-for-TV movie on your life?
the world. But when I saw New Yorkers being nice, I knew that it wasn’t the end of the world and I decided to get out there. It inspired me. That’s why I’m so happy to come to New York!
Yeah, me and my kids watched it. We thought it was pretty funny. There were a couple of them, actually. There were two or three of them. When I see any of that stuff that happened during that time in my life, I just think how so not me that is and how so not true it is. It’s more about Tom Arnold than it is about me. I just got lost in that whole circus. For instance, I was going to guest star on the show “Two and a Half Men.” They wrote me a part that was kind of like me being Tom Arnold. I just thought, that’s kind of sad if that’s how people remember me. It’s just sad. But anyway, off of that and into my stand-up act. Was it hard getting back into stand-up after so many years away? It was so hard! Man, it was really hard. I went with my friend Louie Anderson about five years ago to perform in a couple of cities and I got no laughs at all. They just sat there staring at me like, “What are you talking about?” So I decided to learn it all over again. Even if it meant standing there getting no laughs at all, that’s what I decided I was going to do. I could have quit, but I didn’t. I just had to learn how to do it all over again from nothing. Everybody around me wanted me to quit, but I just couldn’t! Now it’s finally starting to pay off. I’m saying things and people are liking it. I’m making people laugh again. I’m so happy! I love stand-up so much, but after 14 years I just forgot how to do it. It’s taken me about five years just to get over the stage fright. What was it that made you want to go back to stand-up? I never thought I would do comedy again until September 13th when I turned on the TV and saw that two days before New York had been blown up. I didn’t even know it until September 13th! That’s how isolated I was. I was cut off from
get for you?
When your public image was dragged through the mud, how bad did things I was voted the world’s worst singer on the Internet. I thought, is that what I want people to know about me? No, I wanted to be the world’s worst singer who got better. So I’ve been singing for many years and I’ve gotten better. But after that day I had a paralyzing fear of singing or talking in public after having done that. I couldn’t do stand-up or anything. I felt real scared about what happened to me after that day. What happened to the Dixie Chicks wasn’t shit compared to me. I had to have armed guards around my house. People with guns had to be stationed on my roof. President Bush tried to make it sound like I personally attacked the United States. So you’re not the strong, loud woman you appeared to be? I was never that. I just had a big mouth in public because I thought women would like that. I wanted to speak on behalf of other women. But in my real life I was just a weak whatever. I didn’t stand up for myself in my real life until later. A lot of us are like that in life. The person who’s the loudest in public may be the quietest one at home. So we finally get to see the real Roseanne, and she’s not so bad after all. I finally feel like I’m out from that thing that happened to me where I kind of lost my mind for a while. Anyway, I’m the real me now … I think. Let me leave you with this last question. When all is said and done, is there anything about your life you will regret or wish you hadn’t done? I regret every single thing I have ever done! I really do! I was talking to my boyfriend about this the other day. Can you imagine going through life and not regretting anything? I regret everything I have ever done and I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize for anything I’ve ever done to hurt anybody! If I could change anything it would be just to make people laugh and not mad.
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It’s not about where you venture.
It’s about who you share the adventure with. Alan Tecchio /alan.tecchio
As all dads know, fatherhood has its challenges but it also offers many highs including timely teaching moments. Case in point: One recent weekend I took my 10 year old son Nick on a moto-odyssey overnight trip into northeastern PA. We took backroads the entire way up through northern NJ weaving in and out of New York and Pennsylvania as we carved our way up lovely Route 97 above Port Jervis and alongside the Delaware River. Ah, if only the Hawk’s Nest restaurant was still there but that’s a tale for another column… There were lots of other bikes of varying marques out that gorgeous day, but we never got barnstormed (passed at high speed) by any of them. That has happened to me up there in the past, even while travelling at a spirited speed myself! We got sidetracked by about a half hour in each direction unsuccessfully trying to find the original Woodstock site, (I should have planned that part better for sure!) but made it to our destination in PA by late afternoon. Just in time for a short hike, some basketball and a lakeside hang. I booked a night at The Inn At Starlight Lake site unseen because it was convenient to where we were riding. That, and the story of how the current owner bought it with her now deceased husband after vacationing there for years and loving it so much themselves. I kind of thought it would be an interesting throwback type of bed & breakfast. Interesting it was, indeed. To be fair, the season had not really kicked in so they were not totally prepared for guests yet. (though I am not sure just how much could really change by Memorial Day Weekend. lol) Firstly, our king bed was slanted more than their basketball hoop in the courtyard which was slanted more than their pool table in the game room. Even after I leveled the bed as best I could, Nick still ended up rolling me to the edge of my side by morning. The food at the inn was average at best but Nick ate for free so that was a plus. The beer was delicious and ice cold and since we were
not riding anywhere til the next day, I made sure to have plenty of it. The next day brought with it a light, dreary rain but we were prepared with rainsuits, and heated seats, grips and jacket liners. The going was understandably slower than the prior day but the traffic was light and this time, we only saw one other bike in that hazy mist. Our Sena communicators made the trip very fun and safe. Personally, I would never put my kid on a bike without a comm (or a trunk) because Nick and I could engage each other the whole ride. Kids can easily fall asleep on a motorcycle and you can imagine how that might end... We toggled between our music and conversation on the fly without having to push any buttons which was another plus. It made the trip breeze by and before you knew it, we were home safe and sound. Highlights that Nick saw while riding home included a naked woman standing on a porch and a guy leaning out of his car throwing up. You truly see it all on a motorcycle. Ironically, the impetus for this moto-mission was to have a chance for us to read the Body Book For Boys together to help prepare Nick for his impending puberty. But there was another great life lesson to learn here, beyond just the birds and the bees: You make your own good times wherever you are, despite the conditions especially when you’re with the ones you love. In our case, it was all about spending quality, digital-free dad/son time together. By that measure it was fantastic and memorable. Remember those teaching moments I mentioned? I guess the best way to put it is– It’s not about where you venture, so much as who you share the adventure with.
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20 PERCENT metnights.com metnights.com
jUNE -- JULY JUNE JULY
School This isn’t an easy thing for me to admit, but here it goes: I went to Bartending School. Yeah, I know. I’ll come back when you’re done laughing; I’ve got a large Hawaiian pizza and my copy of War and Peace with me, so by all means, take your time. Finished already? Okay, that was relatively painless. In my defense, I was only eighteen years old when I enrolled in my local bartending school. I knew that as a starry-eyed punk who couldn’t even legally drink, I had no chance of getting a job at a bar unless I had some fancy certificates to show the owners. So I paid the $500 admission fee, went through the motions for six weeks, and was released back into the wild as a reallife Bartending School Graduate. One trip to the mall for a diploma-sized frame later, and in my mind I was a legitimate bartender – despite having yet to even land an interview at a bar. I’ll pause for you to come up with your own witty, sarcastic retorts. It took the lethal combination of my newly-acquired pieces of paper with the fact that I was eighteen and therefore knew everything about the universe to make me God’s Gift to Alcohol. It took about five minutes into my first real bartending shift to realize that, hey, this stuff is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Fast-forward eight years later, I can comfortably say that 90% of what I learned in bartending school was completely worthless. Oh sure, it’s nice to know some basic cocktail recipes before your first shift, but they can be found in a decent recipe book (or for free online). Likewise, my school required me to become TIPS certified, which is a good idea for anyone who serves or sells alcohol; certification only takes two hours. But the overwhelming majority of what I learned was either worthless filler – does one really need to be able to map out Scotland to make a decent Presbyterian? – or outright lies. So it’s in that spirit that I’ll present the ten most absurd lies that my school taught me, in no particular order:
1. Upon graduating from bartending school, you’re now an “expert.” It takes at least 10,000 hours of practice to even qualify as an expert at something. You studied cocktail recipes for six weeks. [sarcasm] Same thing. [/sarcasm] Photo: Scott Reinhard
2. Upon graduating, you’re ready to work in any establishment. Half of me admires the stugots it takes to teach something so outrageous with a straight face, and half of me is offended by the way this insults the profession they’re trying to convince me necessitates a degree to do properly. Not even while I was studying towards a graduate degree did I hear a professor even imply that I’d be ready for any level of work. “Okay
Seth, you wrote some papers about anthropology. OFF TO AFRICA TO STUDY A NEWLY DISCOVERED TRIBE, DAMMIT!” Yet if you honestly think memorizing a few shot recipes makes you qualified to work in a twelvehundred person capacity nightclub, you’re in for a rude awakening on how difficult this job can be. Especially when…
3. Dealing with rude, obnoxious customers apparently isn’t part of the job. My bartending school completely ignored the fact that some people – especially after they’ve been drinking – can be total assholes. If anything, they acted like people were going to be even more polite to me, because hey this person is a “real” bartender who knows the magical secrets to making deliciously potent potables. **THIS IS WHAT BARTENDING SCHOOL STUDENTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE**
4. That anyone still drinks Maui Wauis. Ever notice that half of the shots and cocktails your bartending school is teaching you how to make are things that you’ve never seen anybody order? I hate to break it to you, but that’s not going to change once you become a “real,” “certified” bartender. Enjoy muddling that Peruvian Toenail with a twist, pal. It’s the only time in your entire career that you’ll be making it.
5. That other bartenders “fear” your knowledge. I feel like there’s a sarcastic Willy Wonka meme to be made somewhere in this, but am laughing far too hard to be the one to make it.
6. That you should bring your bartending school textbook to job interviews. Would you commission an artist who was reading “Oil Painting for Dummies” when you met him to paint a family portrait for you? How about an accountant who relies on his handy dandy Remedial Math textbook to file your tax return? That seems like an awful idea, yes? Okay, then what exactly are you hoping to accomplish by bringing your bartending school textbook to an interview with somebody you’re hoping will trust you to be the face of their business?
I don’t care that your bartending school spent an entire session on this (Oh wow, three *whole* hours!). I don’t care if your entire bartending school experience was the equivalent of Private Pyle’s boot camp experience. If you honestly think that you can prepare yourself for dealing with obnoxious drunks without actually dealing with obnoxious drunks, then CHOKE YOURSELF, FATBODY!
7. “The” way to make drinks. Yes, as in “the only way.” I once had an obvious bartending school student tell me “This is not a lemon drop. I am a bartender.” There were no survivors.
8. That the “uneducated” bartenders are worse at their jobs than you. “Look, Paul Gustings, I know you’re a legend in New Orleans and all, but this guy just graduated from bartending school, so…empty your locker by five o’clock. Don’t worry, you’ll land on your feet.”
I’d address this, but frankly, suffering from a rage-induced stroke sounds like a bad idea at this time. Moving along…
10. That anyone is going to take you seriously. And I mean anyone. Bar owners, bar managers, other bartenders… I mean, you actually paid money so someone could give you a cocktail book and watch you pour water into cups with fake ice, so how were you expecting people to react? You thought they’d take you seriously? Oh wow. That’s so adorably sad that I can’t even properly mock you right now. We’re done here. Yep…definitely done here. Seth Falvo is a recovering bartender who has been featured on CagePotato, HolyTaco, and other outlets. You can follow him on Twitter at @SethFalvo and also on tumblr at Cool Suplex, Bro!
9. That your “education” is better than “wrong” experience.
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BURGER OF THE MONTH 45
MUSIC NEWS JUNE - JULY
Long dead singers playing ‘live’ in concert: The future of the music you love WOULD YOU GO to see your favorite band perform live? Most people would jump at the chance. But what if they were dead? Creepy as it sounds, it appears that for many people, the answer is still yes. Whether it’s virtual reality shows or streaming algorithms, music tech is moving fast. If you caught Roy Orbison’s recent Dublin concert, you know how realistic a hologram performance can be. The long-dead Orbison went on a European tour, “performing” his greatest hits to a packed 3 Arena with a live orchestra playing alongside him. Hologram tours have so far received mixed reviews – one reviewer described Orbison’s show as “a live hologram performance that’s as dead as can be” – but many have heralded them as an exciting step forward that will form a huge part of the future of live music. The very much alive ABBA have also recently announced that they will go on a holographic tour next year, and if Ed Sheeran has weekend plans, there’s no reason a hologram couldn’t perform in a thousand sold-out locations across Ireland in his place. But even if hologram gigs don’t kick off, virtual experiences such as augmented and virtual reality, whether live on stage or through music videos, will likely have a role to play in the future of music. “Mixed Reality experiences using tech like binaural sound and smart glasses will most likely outlive the more gimmicky and obstructive staring through a phone screen to provide intense supporting visuals that are part of the performance,” says Kenn Davis, CEO of beatvyne.
“It has the potential to play a huge part as the audience will be used to these types of technology from home entertainment within the next few years. Especially bigger artists, such as U2, are already exploring Augmented Reality in their live concerts or bring fans closer to their music through Virtual Reality experiences – think the stunning close up performance of Bjork’s Not Get or the potential of music videos such as the fully immersive Saturnz Barz of Gorillaz that could be adapted for live performance.” However, he adds that tech in live performance “will have to be as seamless, invisible and experiential as possible, as, after all, it is still the direct artist – fan connection that counts.” The real difficulty with tech and music currently is how to maintain or replicate that connection between the artist and the crowd. No matter how realistic an ABBA hologram might be, it’s not going to interact with the fans – at least, not for a while. A similar problem is becoming evident with how we access music to begin with, which is also on the cusp of big changes. Although streaming platforms pose a challenge in terms of revenue generation for musicians – one which may be fixed by platforms like Kobalt, for example, which provides artists with 100% of the rights to their own music while also allowing transparency in royalty collection – they are also adaptable, accessible, and as AI and algorithms improve, hard to resist. Spotify has made significant investment in its algorithms which have helped it to beat off competitors, and these are only set to become more specific to our musical wants and needs. Google’s YouTubeMusic has begun a staggered launch this week as a rival to Spotify, and is taking on a similar streaming approach based on AI rather than its previous focus on music videos. It also claims to aid in the discovery of new music – but we have yet to see the extent to which it will accurately find and predict our taste. “AI-controlled music suggestions and the increasing usage of voice control might lead to difficulties in music discovery,” says Isabel Thomas, CMO and COO of beatvyne. ”The visual interface is missing and people will need to know how to look for new bands if they don’t trust into potential monotonous and data-driven AI.” But as playlists become more accurately tailored to our tastes, we might also see music become tailored to these algorithms. We have already seen plenty of AI-generated songs and even artists, such as Japan’s Hatsune Miku – but there’s potential for this to go further, and for producers to target algorithms directly rather than audiences. AOptimiseLab is a Canadian startup whose first product, Timbre, is aimed directly at music producers and claims to accurately predict music popularity scores.
BETWEEN THE SHEETS metnights.com
jUNE - JULY
sex is good
for a woman’s health. “Semen actually contains chemicals known to elevate mood levels” Recent studies show that oral sex is good for a woman’s health, and may actually make them happier. Semen actually includes chemicals known to elevate mood levels, increase affection and contains several type of anti-depressant chemicals. Semen contains other chemicals along with spermatozoa, including cortisol, which can increase affection. It contains thyrotropinreleasing hormone, which is an antidepressant. It contains melatonin, which a natural sleep-inducing agent, and even serotonin, which is best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter. Other findings have found that women regularly exposed to semen perform better on concentration and cognitive tasks. Further studies have also shown that not only is oral sex and semen good for your mental health, but so is unprotected sex as well. I am not saying go out and screw everyone and have unprotected sex, but I am saying studies have shown that having semen in your body may keep you from getting depressed. The most significant findings from some of these studies, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, women who engaged in sex and “never” used condoms showed significantly fewer depressive symptoms than did those who “usually” or “always” used condoms. Importantly, these chronically condom-less, sexually active women also evidenced
fewer depressive symptoms than did those who abstained from sex altogether. Unbelievably, semen may also help with anxiety, prevent hair loss, keep infections at bay, prevent some cancers and even lengthen your life spans. As you can see, there are many reasons that semen is good for your overall health. All of this anti-depressant semen talk is making me want to give oral sex tonight, or at least unprotected sex. Maybe even both…LOL. So if you are feeling down, go down town and give your partner some oral sex. It just may get you out of a bad mood, or make your good mood even better. Not only will you be happier, but your partner certainly will be too. It is a win-win for all involved.
Angela BY ANGELA POMPELLI-BUTLER firstname.lastname@example.org
If you have a story, comment or question you would like to share with BTS, please email me at email@example.com.
May Not Matter! BALTIMORE — This American League East battle continues to amaze, doesn’t it? Consider that the Yankees began Friday’s action nominally trailing the Red Sox by 1 ¹/₂ games … and on pace to win 109 games. If it’s hard to see this breakneck pace continuing through the season’s final two thirds, it’s easy to anticipate these two teams running side by side to the finish line. Hence we scrutinize every game, every twist of fate, every inch to determine who will wind up with the considerable advantage of avoiding that win-or-go-home wild-card game.
“It’s kind of a feast or famine thing. It puts you in that position. But you just have to manage it.” By “feast or famine,” Rothschild referred to his pitchers getting either too much work or not enough due to the constant weather issues. You’re excused if you heard “famine” and assumed that’s coming next in this year’s crazy progression of natural baseball inhibitors.
Hence we examine the inches … of precipitation.
As per Major League Baseball, there had been 36 postponements through Thursday. Just 39 games were postponed all of last season. Already, baseball has experienced more postponements this season than in eight of the past 14 full campaigns.
Will the Yankees’ weather woes make the difference in this clash of titans? For the Yankees have been far more impacted by the record-setting rate of postponements. And their obvious Achilles’ heel, their starting pitching, looks at risk of further exposure. “You deal with different things during the season, so hopefully it doesn’t have any impact,” pitching coach Larry Rothschild said Friday, before the Yankees opened their series with the Orioles at Camden Yards … after the scheduled opener Thursday got banged by thundershowers. “Just keeping guys scheduled and, when the makeups come, not to have to use guys too much.
The Yankees’ seven official postponements — that doesn’t count their suspended game at the Nationals on May 15, though it does include the postponed resumption of that contest on May 16 — rank them second in baseball, behind the Tigers’ eight — and the forecast for here Saturday is awful. Only one of those games, the April 2 home opener, has been made up so far, which explains why Aaron Boone’s bunch has played five fewer games than the Sawx, and how the standings are so muddled that the Yankees, at 35-17 (at press time), actually led the Red Sox (39-18) in the loss column despite trailing them in the standings.
— Tony D’Amato, “Any Given Sunday.”
“The inches we need are everywhere around us.”
“It’s … something we feel we’re equipped to handle, and manageable,” Boone said. “We have no choice, so we just do our best to deal with the schedule that’s in front of us and some of the alterations that have been inevitable.” The Yankees opted to keep their starting rotation in line after Thursday’s postponement, which puts Luis Severino in line to start one game of Monday’s doubleheader (both of them makeup games) in Detroit. The Yankees likely will call up someone from Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre to start the other game. The call-up likely won’t inspire Yankees fans, a la freshmen like Gleyber Torres and Miguel Andujar; Justus Sheffield doesn’t hold a spot on the 40-man roster, which decreases his chances of getting the assignment. Really, 80 percent of the Yankees’ current starting rotation, outside of the Cy Young Award candidate Severino, isn’t inspiring many. As per FanGraphs, through Thursday, the Yankees’ starters ranked sixth in the AL in ERA (4.12) and ninth with an average of 5.43 innings per start. “[We’re] wanting to get some more innings consistently out of our starters,” Boone said. “It’s just managing the long haul of the season. … Especially with these weather issues that we’ve had to where we can protect guys knowing we’ve got some doubleheaders on the horizon.” Can they pull it off, especially before the trading season starts in earnest? The forecast remains unclear.