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Adventures in the Erotic Underground ™ With The Not So Desperate Housewife Hey kids, it’s me Mardi, “The Not So

Desperate Housewife”, rejoicing in the changing face of and culture of the people and places that make up the erotic underground. Last weekend was one of those rare times when we didn’t have one too many things on the list of things to do, being in that hurry up and wait state that too often comes before the final, frantic holiday rush that Christmas brings each year. So we made it an early start with a visit this past Saturday to Colette’s Rejuvenate Party to get a sneak preview of the club’s recent face-lift at their open house. The good sports at The Spot provided wine and light fare and the friendly and personable DJ Matt set the mood for this special event, spinning a silky smooth lounge groove that was the perfect complement to the sleek and stylish surroundings. The staff were particularly gracious and attentive to the small but steadily growing crowd as they reveled in the chance to pair the club’s sophisticated new look with an equally sophisticated level of service. Our tour guide for the evening was an energetic and knowledgeable young man, appropriately dressed in suit and tie and even more appropriately wellversed in the subtle ways and complex protocols that make a couples club viable and successful. And while I applaud the new management in their commitment to carrying on the upscale traditions of their forbear, Iniquity, I am even more impressed with their ability to attract and culti-

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vate diversity among their clientele. Yes, for far too long it seems that the erotic subcultures in our fair city have attracted a decidedly homogenous crowd in both age and ethnicity. Considering the challenges facing the people who inhabit the various scenes

and who live in what are often euphemistically referred to as “alternative” lifestyles, I always found it odd that there wasn’t a more natural attraction among a broader range of ages and cultures. Still more curious was the degree to which those in the various lifestyles seemed to segregate themselves, with various ages, ethnicities and sexual orientations tending to stay closely aligned and carefully guarded within their various haunts and hangouts and in their declared areas of town. It seemed for a while that some progress had been made in the fetish community as many different constituents, too commonly aligned by sexual orientation, had started to happily play together, finding the common bonds of their lifestyle to be stronger than their cultural differences. But even then, there was a distinct lack of diversity among the players that was at odds with the many and varied styles, cultures and orientations of the people participating. It seems the complexities of kink tend to trump the commonalities of culture as too often the players reverted to the familial. So it was with great interest that I noticed a more than has been typical participation among a broader crosssection of the population at this year’s Disturbathon and Dallas Fetish Ball. While that participation is nowhere near what would represent their actual proportions go to page 4... Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Open in December for NightScare Before Christmas! Our Haunted House will be open in December for our 3rd Annual NightScare Before Christmas! The Holiday season has a new twist with NightScare Before Christmas at Moxley Manor Haunted House. A Nightscare Before Christmas will have all the screams that were heard throughout October, only now it is our Elves that have taken over Moxley Manor in our Christmas themed haunted house. Dates & Times

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•Dates: December 8th & 15th, 2012 •Times: 7pm until 9pm Tickets & Location •Admission: $13.00 | Buy Tickets

•Payment Accepted: Credit Cards Accepted OnSite •Coupons: Email me a coupon

from page 3...among our populace, such events have definitely started to attract a more varied crowd. And now it seems that the couple’s scene has started to find some common ground as well if Saturday night at Colette is any indication. Due to a previous commitment, we weren’t able to hang around to see how the final act played out. But it did appear promising as at our leaving the crowd cut a broad swath through the range of ages and ethnicities that comprise our little corner of the world. So, have we crossed into a new era of kinky kinship? Probably not. Not yet anyway. Just out of curiosity, we made a quick detour on our way home that night to check in on a venerable couples club that has managed to survive for a longer than average time in this very fickle business. The owner had confided to us, years ago, that as his clientele had become more diverse, it had caused some of his long-term customers to shy away.

•Where: 510 Harwood Road, Bedford, Texas 76021 •Open Rain or Shine! Our attraction is an indoor haunted house.

How odd, that in a lifestyle relegated to the fringes of our society, that the participants would find cause to disassociate over something so superficial? But on this night, my concerns

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were confirmed and the crowd was almost completely lacking in variety beyond that of lifestyle choices. Oh well, at least there are some promising signs. And while I do completely support everyone’s right to freely associate with whomsoever they may choose, I can’t help but think that when things turn to kink, we have a lot more in common than a colorful past. Diversify your world with the latest copy of Metro ANE or online at: www.anemagazine.com Put a little color in your cheeks with the friendly fetishists of the erotic underground at my blog: eroticunderground.wordpress.com Look for my new book “Adventures in the Erotic Underground: Confessions of a Not So Desperate Housewife” coming soon to a preferred purveyor of literary licentiousness. Know of great places or events of interest to women or needing a woman’s perspective? Contact me at eroticunderground@gmail.com

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The Two Rules of How to Be Wealthy as a Stripper (Part 2) Stripper Tear Out Page 11 The Top Five Things Exotic Dancers Need To Have More Money In the Bank Today we are going to talk about how you manage your money, from the time you count it at the end of your shift to the time it leaves your hands when you buy something! How much should you save? How much should you put towards bills? Or Taxes? How much should you tip out? How can you build credit to buy things like a car or rent a nice apartment? All of these questions will be answered TODAY in a simple 5-step strategy you can hang in your locker or on your refrigerator to reference every day! I’m Jennifer McCumber, author of Freedom V, creator of the Champagne Inner Circle and I’m leading the movement for exotic dancer education all over the world. We’re going to dive head first into the five things you need to do now to start saving money and investing in your future. 1. Count: Count all of your money after your shift. This is your GROSS income. Keep this in your records every evening. At the end of the night when everyone is tallying up their dollars earned, don’t be caught unorganized or by surprise. Have a way to organize your money as you go as the evening moves along, in an envelope in your locker or divided in your purse. Crumpled up dollars and unorganized cash can disappear fast! 2. Tip: Tip Out Approx 15% of your total income to your other staff like bouncers, DJ’s, House Moms, Valet, and any other applicable staff. Record the total amount you tip out DAILY in your records. Also include any house fees as a business expense and save all of your receipts. I have been rewarded greatly as an exotic dancer by gener-

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ously tipping out the bouncers and DJ’s that worked with me at my home club because they always sent high value clientele my way. If you develop partnerships with the other staff at your club, the tipping out becomes a lot more fun because it is money that you have earned with someone together – much more than one person can do on their own! Everyone wins this way! On the other hand, Tipping out is not done just because, “that’s the way that this business works!” Tipping out is done to reward good work! No one is entitled to receive a tip out, nor are they entitled to an attitude against tipping out! Tipping out should be scaled according to the amount of work that is done for the entertainer in addition to the percentage of an entertainer’s income. This is commission sales after all! Incentives always motivate people to do their best work! With this method the customer will win because dancers and staff will be motivated to help each other, which is in turn helping the customer!

have to keep track of and pay your own taxes. Some accountants would also advise you to open up your own LLC (Limited Liability Corporation) and deposit all of your monies into a corresponding business banking account, which gives you legal separation from your personal money. Consult a local CPA for professional advice, as these are just tips and suggestions. If you are an employee, the club takes your taxes out of your paycheck for you, so you can skip the saving for taxes part and apply it to your personal savings. Either way – you have to pay taxes. Don’t skip out on this or you will have the IRS to contend with, in the form of interest and penalties!

you’ll be ready for a membership in the Champagne Inner Circle, where we talk about investing in mutual funds! This is where all of your hard work can pay off by earning money FOR you – even while you sleep! Stay tuned!

5. Deposit: Deposit your money into your checking and savings accounts as specified above. You can repeat this process daily and deposit money after every shift the following day. You can also set the money aside and deposit everything weekly – it just depends on you and how fast your cash can burn a hole in your figurative G-string!

You Tube at Freedom V Online

If you keep track of your money in this way, you can build credit and position yourself for ultimate wealth. Once you have successfully completed all of these steps with your debt paid off and eight months of income saved away,

www.How-to-Strip.com

YOUR FEEDBACK IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US - please comment on the blog at www.How-to-Strip.com/ blog with any questions or concerns that you have! Strippers from around the world are bound to chime in on the discussion! You can find more videos, education and training on our following social media sites!

Facebook at Freedom V for Exotic Dancers and Twitter at FreedomVstrip For more information about what it takes to be successful as today’s exotic dancer go to and download our free book, Champagne Every Night. To book a Center Stage Seminar Series Live at Your Club,

call 800-282-4352.

3. Net: Your NET Income is what is left after all of your expenses above! It’s what you take home in your safety net of cash every night! Record this amount next to your GROSS income in your journal. THEN STOP! Don’t spend a SINGLE DIME until you have filtered your money through number four and five below! You will thank me later because you will have more money! 4. SAVE: -- Save 30% DAILY for Taxes in a separate savings account. -- Save 20% DAILY for your own personal savings account. -- Save 50% DAILY to put towards your bills and expenses in a checking account. By having all of these monies in separate accounts, it helps both you and your accountant keep track of what is going on financially with your exotic dancing business. It also helps YOU to put away the money that you AREN’T supposed to spend. Out of sight – and out of mind until you really need it. Just remember, if you are your own independent professional entertainer, you Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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T H E H A RD SC OR E What is Cordite? A smokeless, slow burning explosive powder. What is an insidious disease? It’s a disease existing without obvious symptoms but is at the ready to become active and cause harm. Both of these are, in their own ways, quiet but upon becoming active can be quite dangerous to the point of destruction. What do they have in common with sports? Once a team develops an insidious disease, like coaches finally losing the players trust, the disease becomes like cordite and begins to burn and eventually blows the team up. Current best example? In the NFL look at the Philadelphia Eagles, the Kansas City Chiefs, New York Jets, Jacksonville Jaguars, San Diego Chargers, Oakland Raiders, Carolina Panthers, and Arizona Cardinals. Is it just coaches or GM’s losing a team or can players behave like this? Off the bat you might think Terrell Owens, but while explosive he sure wasn’t quiet and slow burning. No, you have to look more at what slowly takes a team apart and that’s more with players who are not doing what it takes for the team to succeed. Like not trying on each play they’re in. Like being late for meetings, not paying attention, not learning the playbook, not doing film study. Players like these are both insidious and slow burning because they eventually lead to a demoralized team.

ing this for a living, and the more success the team has the more money and benefits and outside endorsements come their way. But there are extremely few advertisers that want to be affiliated with a loser. You don’t see the Raiders QB Palmer, or Chargers Rivers, or whoever that is for the Cardinals getting any regional or national exposure do you? And you don’t see any of their teammates getting it either. What about owners? Oh, c’mon, you gotta recognize what Al Davis did to the Raiders, what Jones has done with the Cowboys, Snyder with the Redskins, and Lerner did with the Browns. And they’re just a sample of what can happen when owners get involved. Can a whole team and organization go sideways and bring themselves down? Oh heck yeah. Look at the Saints. No, don’t be pointin’ that special finger at Goodell, he’s not the problem. Of the four players suspended, all were on defense and three already with other teams so only ONE player was lost to the bounty gate. What clearly came from this was the players allowed themselves to become demoralized, guilt usually does that you know, especially to weak minds. That offense was known by Brees inside and out yet he couldn’t do a Manning and run that show, could he. Why’s that? Why’d the defense suddenly go stupid and inept? No, they’d been warned for three years to quit what they were up to, got caught, and instead of handling it like grown men, they blew the team up.

But there are players who are not malcontents but dedicated athletes that can demoralize a team. Take for example Sanchez, the Jets quarterback. The guy works hard but for whatever reason, he’s gone to slop between the ears.

Any examples of good players on bad teams that manage to stand apart from the demolition derby? Well, Fitzgerald with Arizona has an image that rises above the trash heap that is the Cardinals, and Jason Witten with the Cowboys. But you can see that it takes an impeccable reputation to override the chaos.

How does this hurt a team? Guys are do-

Can a team be bad and not be the victim?

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Well, that’s a tricky one. If the team does things that regains the fans trust, like rebuilding in a way that offers positive proof that the future does look good, then yes, they can overcome the downfall.

An extreme example would be the Indianapolis Colts. If there’s anybody on the face of the planet who saw this coming, I want to stand next to them at the Lotto machine or the horse racing window. On the flip side, take the Jacksonville Jaguars. Right now many feel the only hope they have is with the new owner getting them out of Florida and relocated, like say to Los Angeles. Can relocation be the solution to teams that have been blown up? Sure. Take the Seattle Supersonics of the NBA, they moved to Oklahoma City and have made the entire mid-west of the Unites States an important venue for pro sports. In hockey, the Quebec Nordiques moved to Denver and became the Avalanche. In football, Baltimore moved to Indy and became the Colts and the Browns moved to Baltimore and became the Ravens. The Los Angeles Rams moved to St Louis and ended up with the Greatest Show on Turf and won a Super Bowl. Does this work with Coaches? Sure, look at the Patriots Belichick, he flopped with the Browns but made a dynasty with New England. Can it backfire? Sure, Jimmy Johnson won two Super Bowls with Dallas and got smeared with the Dolphins. In any case, there are many different forms of disease that can eventually behave like cordite and blow up a team, a player, or a coach up. The catch here is not just being vigilant and identifying the problems, but having the ways and means to resolve them in a positive manner that helps the team. If you make a mistake and bring in a Dennis “The Worm” Rodman, you’d better be ready to grab the axe to cut its head off before it eats all the eggs in the hen house and leaves you with an empty nest. We got some smoke out there, let’s go

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find the fire.

Best argument out there? Who’s the NFL’s better rookie quarterback? We’re looking at Indy’s Luck, Washington’s RGIII, Miami’s Tannehill, Seattle’s Wil- son, and Cleveland’s Weeden. The 49ers Kaepernick doesn’t count as he hasn’t played the whole season. Weeden is a project. With more help the McCoy ever had, he’s done less. Tannehill began nice but faded when defenses got film. Wilson’s played steady with strong defense and running game for support. RGIII is benefiting from a system that is limited but designed to play to his strengths. Luck should go down as the all-time best rookie qb ever. Bar none. Do you remember what was predicted of the RGIII and Luck seasons? That Luck would eventually be the better QB but was going to a rebuilding team, and that RGII would have the earlier success because the ‘Skins had the better defense and running game and improved receivers. Here’s the bottom line: Luck has done more with far less than ANY QB out there. The defense is all smoke and mirrors and works just to keep them in games until the fourth. Both sides of the ball have been playing with great attitude and confidence. Frankly, while exciting, RGIII has done less with more, comparatively speaking. Here’s the next question for you, why haven’t second year QB’s Newton, Dalton, and Ponder accomplished more? What about Romo and Brees? Fitzgerald, Palmer, Rivers, Stafford, Freeman, and Bradford? If Andrew Luck could accomplish what he has with what he has, why wouldn’t we naturally expect the QB’s with teams that have more to do more? I’m telling you, maybe you can’t always see it, but the disease is there and the powders slowly

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: TheHardScore : TheHardScore : TheHardScore : burning. NFL Week 13 Review We got what we were wanting and expecting with a weekend of surprises, upsets, failures, with contenders rising and pretenders falling. And, not that all of us wanted it, but the mediocre slithering along like the bait they’ve now become for the bigger fish. For all those who believed that only Tony Romo could achieve multi-pick games, take a look at the highly lauded Drew Brees. Yes, one man CAN lose a game and he gave that Saints game to the Falcons. Is New Orleans out of the wild card hunt? Technically ok, but realistically they’re out of it. The Atlanta Falcons have been dancing with the beast for three years, winning during the regular season but doing a belly flop in the first round. This win over New Orleans just may indicate this team is now ready to take the next step. The Giants did what they didn’t want to do and lost to the Redskins, giving both Washington and Dallas wild card hopes. What are the odds? The NFC North has one wild card sewn up, that leaves four 6-6 teams chasing Seattle at 7-5 for the second wild card. The other two getting knotted up are the Vikings and Bucs. If the Seahawks buckle, who’s got the better chance? I’d say the Redskins and Bucs. Why? Both are hungry, both are very motivated and the excitement shows, and both are getting some players back. Minnesota just has too many injuries. Dallas is hampered by injuries, bad attitude (have you seen ANY excitement from the players), and an inexperienced head coach who either refuses to learn from his mistakes or is incapable of. Best game? Are you kidding me? The Colts making the fourth quarter rally and snatching the win from the Lions. Worst game? Now I know you’re kidding me. Arizona’s third QB, Lindley, needs to have his life saved and cut from the team now. The owner and coach need to be immediately rushed to the nearest sanitarium and dropped off for their own good because they’re both crazier than hell for drafting then playing that kid. Injuries or no, he should never have been suited up. Hell, let Larry Fitzgerald quarterback.

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Eagles at Cowboys. Well, Dallas did win. Despite the coach and despite the offensive line. Best result of this game? Philly announcing that Vick was sitting for the rest of the season. They didn’t say this was to save Vicks life, but then, I don’t think they needed to.

With San Francisco losing to the Rams they now don’t have a lock on the division and they face a Miami team that spells trap all over it. What Harbaugh will now do at the quarterback position will be debated, especially since Seattle is playing a very weak Arizona.

Did anything really stand out? Sure, that there was a significant difference between Murray and any other running back for Dallas.

New Orleans could technically benefit with a win, especially if a couple of other losses happened, but New York now has to have this game. The question hanging in the air is, can or will the Giants repeat their late season surge to get into the playoffs?

NFL Week 14 Thursday 7:30 CST This game isn’t exactly going to get your pump primed but it will be fun to watch: Broncos (9-3) at Raiders (3-9). This is a division game, but while Oakland can only play for fun, Denver is in a three-way tie with Baltimore and New England for the second bye week in the opening round, Houston having a lock on the first. Manning knows this and will continue to push the offense. Denver’s confidence is about as high as their city. Sunday Noon CST Out of ten games, six have the league’s worst teams. Here’s four that’ll have interest of one form or the other. Titans (4-8) at Colts (8-4); Ravens (9-3) at Redskins (6-6); Bears (8-4) at Vikings (6-6); and, Cowboys (6-6) at Bengals 7-5). Right now Indy holds the first wild card and only Pittsburgh and Cincinnati are right behind. Baltimore’s fighting for the second first round bye, but they face a hot Washington team that has more than a decent chance of making this a trap game. With injuries Chicago is now behind Green Bay in the North, they hold the first wild card but a win at Minnesota keeps them within striking distance to take the division back. Both Dallas and Cincinnati need this game. The Bengals have to keep pace with the Steelers for the AFC’s second wild card, and Dallas, who’s in position to strike for both the division lead and the NFC’s second wild card must win. This will be a tough game. 3:30 CST Three middle of the road games, but all have playoff implications: Dolphins (5-7) at 49ers (8-3-1); Saints (5-7) at Giants (7-5); and, Cardinals (4-8) at Seahawks (7-5).

The test for Seattle is to win on the road, a challenge for them this year. The good news for them is the Cardinals now use an after shave called eau de landfill. Good teams will win when facing poor teams, so if they want to stay in the division race, this is it. 7:30 CST This is not what everybody was expecting before the season: Lions (4-8) at Packers (8-4). Detroit is either mortally wounded or will finally show some grit. Can they win this game? Well, who knows, everyone thought they should beat Indy. Their chance lies with Green Bay’s offensive line, it just ain’t that good, and they have no running game. If Stafford can get the passing game going, this would hurt a division rival and push Chicago to the top of the North, which the Packers don’t need. Should be a good game.

leagues two best quarterbacks in Manning and Brady, so get that learning curve in now. They’ve already seen Peyton, so this will give the Texans better preparation. And that’s what’s happening you know. Houston’s all about positioning themselves for the playoffs and that’s very smart. Readers Response: Two Dogs: Why is it so difficult to throw a long pass downfield? From what I’ve seen there’s only one or two defenders around the catcher? My boyfriend says it should be the easiest pas they could make. Carla Madison Carla: Well, it really depends on what route is called. If the receiver is running from one side to the other the quarterback can better see the distance and speed and where to place the ball. Now, if the receiver is running straight down the field away from the quarterback, think about what that looks like. You’ve got a man running away from you so it’s harder to tell exactly where he is, what his speed is, and what velocity you have to put on the ball to get it in front of him where he can run under it and catch it. It may look easy but it’s one of the harder throws to make, especially while being pressured. TD

Monday Night Football

Two Dogs:

Well, here’s my advice, if you like football, Christmas, your wife, your girl, your beer, your dog, and your truck, give up all the rest and watch this game: Texans (11-1) at Patriots (9-3).

Does Roethlisberger deserve team and league MVP since Steelers can’t win without him?

Right now Houston’s the number one seed in the AFC, with a two game buffer. New England’s in that three-way tie for second and the first round playoff bye week. A loss by New England and a win by Baltimore and/or Denver doesn’t lose them the division but puts them in the first round wild card game. What will Houston do? They’re not gonna walk on this game, they’ll use it as a measuring stick for what they’ll be facing down the road. Besides, the defense will eventually have to face one or both of the

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

Jason Dallas Jason: Last year when Ben sat out four games under suspension the team didn’t lose, but this year that doesn’t happen because the defense isn’t the same. No, no MVP for Ben. TD

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orilla gadgets odd : cool : interesting : insane stuff! In this day and age finding a delicious & crisp beer to make you stand out from the boozy crowd can be tough. But fret no more as face-painted Lotharios KISS have kindly taken a moment to step down from the stage and turn their hand to brewing a premium & easyto-

drink beer, instantly making you the envy of all your friends sipping on supermarket swill. You’ll receive 24 bottles of the

finest KISS Destroyer Beer, a more-than-adequate amount for when the time comes to Rock and Roll all night and party every day. (Sorry)

www.kissrockdrinks.com

The skull gets a bad rap. When paired up with that troublemaker crossbones, the ol’ head bone can seem somewhat sinister, when really it’s not. A perfect example of the skull’s style is the Art-DNA watch by Romain Jerome ($23,000). Jerome has collaborated with Swiss artist John M Armleder to create 10 limited edition watches, each one decorated with a skull said to be inspired by Amerindian culture. Each timepiece is individually numbered with an engraving of the artist’s signature, and you’re good for water submerges up to 30 meters.

www.romainjerome.ch/

Consider yourself lucky if you grew up in the era of the Fat Boys. The Human Beat Box, Kool Rock Ski, and Prince Markie Dee had more fun with their beats & rhymes than all other rappers combined from the years 2000-20012. They were never shy

about their love of food (trans fats hadn’t been invented yet), so it’s only fitting that a reissue of the Fat Boys debut album is released on vinyl–inside a pizza box. This chunky set comes with a 20-page liner notes booklet and a download card for bonus materials. www.amazon.com

giving it 550hp and a 0-60 mph time MERCEDES ENER-Gof just 4.4 seconds on its way to a FORCE CONCEPT top speed of 186 mph. Yes, it’s definitely intriguing. But un-

2014 JAGUAR XFR-S Enticed by the XKR-S, but decide that the coupe was just a little too impractical? Say hello to the 2014 Jaguar XFR-S ($99,000). The fast-

est, most powerful sedan Jaguar has ever produced, the XFR-S is powered by the same 5.0L supercharged V8 as its two-doored stablemate,

Despite the speed, it still manages to eek out 23 mpg highway, and also features a ZF eight-speed transmission, wide 20-inch Varuna forged alloy wheels, and plenty of carbon fiber components to help reduce weight and lift. Limited to just 100 units in the U.S., it’ll go on sale next summer.

http://www.jaguarusa.com/

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fortunately for anyone wishing to park one in their own driveway, the Mercedes Ener-G-Force Concept ($TBA) is about as concept-y as a vehicle can get. Created for the Los Angeles Design Challenge 2012, the Ener-G-Force was designed as a highway patrol car for 2025, it boasts such outlandish features as a tank on the roof to store water that’s transferred to the “hydro-tech converter” where it’s converted into hydrogen for running the fuel cells and a 360-degree topography scanner on the roof.

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2012 Dallas Fetish Ball : Stockings & Stilettos by DV8*PHOTO

more photos next page

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: : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : :

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: : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : :

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: : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : :

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ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,

***

Ah Christmas. At any other time of the year, the sight of a fat, hairy man wearing a red suit and putting children on his lap would involve the police and a long jail sentence. For some reason, after Thanksgivha,ha,ha,ha,ha ing and before Christmas, this sort Giggle, Grin, Groan of behavior is not only tolerated, but submitted by: W. R. Maxwell encouraged – and we take pictures Remember, send your funny jokes to of the encounter! wr_maxwell@hotmail.com and your bad jokes to wr_maxwell@hotmail.com

Why was Santa’s little helper so depressed? - He had low elf esteem.

***

Two young boys are spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the boys kneel beside their bed to say their prayers. Suddenly the youngest one shouts at the top of his lungs, “I pray for a new bicycle, a new game player, and a new big screen TV!” The older kid says, “Why are you shouting your prayers. God isn’t deaf.” The younger kid replies, “No, but grandpa is.”

- p.s. Your sister says the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

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La impotencia tiene solución rápida y segura * Una sola visita con médicos especialistas. * prueba gratis del medicamento. * Resultados garantizados ahí mismo.

¡Podrás hacer el amor por muchas horas Garantizado !

***

How many Microsoft hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None – they re-define darkness as an industry standard.

Sam goes to buy a Christmas present for a girl he has been dating recently. After careful consideration, he decides to buy her a pair of fancy gloves. Sam reasons this gift will strike the right balance between romantic and practical. To help him get the correct size and style, Sam has the girlfriend’s younger sister accompany him to Macy’s. The fellow finds the perfect pair (besides the sales lady’s perfect pair) and the little sister buys a pair of silk panties for herself. At the gift wrap department, the clerk inadvertently switches the packages. As an after thought, Sam selects a card for his present and writes the following note ; “I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long red ones with buttons, but she says she wears short ones that are a lot easier to remove. She even demonstrated this point and I agree; they were easy to remove. I had your sister try them on and they looked great. Also, at the urging of the sales lady, I selected the white ones. The sales lady showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled. She also said that when you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. I will see you the week after Christmas and look forward to kissing them throughout the holidays. – Best regards, Sam

NO DEJES A TU PAREJA I N S AT I S F E C H A

***

*** How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None – They’ll fix it in software.

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zoo keeper was asked to explain the discrepancy, he said “Mary Crist Missed a Happy Gnu’s Ear.”

lose an engine on takeoff.”

***

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb? - One, but it takes the entire staff of the Parkland Hospital Emergency room to remove it.

*** There is a new Barbie doll out this year. It’s called ‘Neurotic Barbie’ and it already comes wound-up. *** The Crist family owns a traveling zoo and each year they predict the future for the town they are visiting by watching the gnu at dawn on New Year’s Day. If the gnu’s ears are forward, it means the coming year will bring much happiness. If the gnu’s ears are laid back, it means it will be a sad year. This year, Mary, the zoo keeper’s daughter was assigned the task of watching the gnu and coming up with the annual prediction. However, Mary was out partying most of the night and arrived late at the animal’s stall. She sees the gnu has his ears folded back, so Mary predicts a bad year. As it turns out, the town had a happy and prosperous year. There were 6 weddings, and 2 townsfolk won the lottery that year. When the

How many elves does it take to screw in a new light bulb for Rudolf? Three, one to put in the bulb, one to hold the ladder and one to make sure they screw it in the right end.

*** What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.

*** Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular inspections by the Federal Aviation Administration. This year, the FAA examiner checks to make sure the sled is freshly painted, that the reindeer are washed and that the Santa has correctly calculated his fuel consumption, which is critical due to the large payload. After the ground inspection, the FAA examiner tells Santa he has to pass a flying test this year. Santa gets in the sleigh, fastens his seatbelt and checks his altimeter. Then the examiner hops in the co-pilot’s seat carrying a deer rifle. Santa asks “What’s that for?” The examiner says, “I’m not supposed to tell you ahead of time, but you are going to

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***

*** Why is it important to have your child’s train set assembled by a homosexual? - Because not all the track can be straight. *** What do snowmen eat for breakfast? - Frosted Flakes.

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