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METRO ANE

MAGAZINE

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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SILVERCITY METRO ANE

MAGAZINE

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Editor In Distress Another week and another new issue of Metro ANE, but this time with something new... a contributing cartoonist, Richard Harris, Jr. Besides the occasional comic that comes with the Old Man Mike articles, we haven’t had a weekly comic strip since Chopping Block a year ago and the humor was probably too dark for some of you. Richards weekly comic strip is called “What The F*ck” (some how the boss is ok with him using the “f” bomb, but not the rest of us. Shit I think I’m secretly going to put the word “f*ck” uncensored in the paper every week to see if she’s paying attention). Anyway, What The Fuck is the perfect cartoon for our weekly magazine. It deal with hilarious sexual context, just like us. Check out his website http://www.cartoonsbyharris.com and also his full page cartoon strip “At The T.T. Bar” in Xtreme Magazine, which focuses on humorous happenings at a local strip club. We also got a new advertiser joining this week, Outcast Xtreme Wrestling. Outcast Xtreme Wrestling is based out of Fort Worth and will be having weekly shows on Saturday at the OXW Arena located at 8149 Camp Bowie West, Ft. Worth, TX 76116. I’ll have an article in next weeks issue about Outcast Xtreme Wrestling. It’s only $10 and children under 5 are free, plus you get to see Necro Butcher, who starred in The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke, in person. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a live wrestling match so I’m pretty excited to see a show soon. I’ll be sure to take my bro, Tony, who knows a lot about wrestling and is the one who got me into UFC and Mixed Martial Arts.

Metro ANE Magazine 2462 Walnut Ridge St. Dallas, TX 75229 Phone: 214-638-6397 Fax: 214-638-2232 www.metroane.com Publisher: Ali Stout ali@anemagazine.com Production Manager: Russell Craig sales@anemagazine.com Editor: Gil Russell gil@anemagazine.com Inside Sales: Sheila Blue sheila@anemagazine.com Outside Sales: Colleen Morgan colleen@anemagazine.com

Contributors: Richard Hunter, Gil Russell, Colleen Morgan, Pat “Two Dogs” Snow, Scotty Mankoff, OJ Tobias, Mike Wilshin, Jayson Champion, Chapel Waste, Misha Morê, Richard Harmon, Vivienne Vermuth, Blake, Zamra and Richard Harris, Jr. Contributing Photographers: Mike Wilshin, Misha Morê, DV8, Scotty Mankoff Questions or comments about the magazine can be sent to editor@anemagazine.com. Questions about advertisemet may be directed to sales@anemagazine. com.

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Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

Fans of The Stooges (Iggy Pop’s first band) should head out to Muddy Waters this Saturday, August 22 to see my friends Stooges cover band, Stoogeaphilia. Here’s what they say about themselves. “This is a Stooges and pre-punk repertory band featuring members of The Me-Thinks, Goodwin/ The Underground Railroad/Pablo and the Hemphill 7, The Great Tyrant, Transistor Tramps, and Hentai Improvising Orchestra. Think of it as a joke that got wa-a-a-ay out of control.” “The idea kind of bubbled to the surface when we realized how many hip music dudes / dudettes of our acquaintance didn’t really know any Stooges music (altho they all know the name). For shame. Since then, we’ve expanded the parameters to include other proto-/early punk stuff we like from bands like Alice Cooper, the Heartbreakers, Rocket from the Tombs, Pere Ubu, MC5, and the Damned.” -Stoogeaphilia If you’re in the mood for a naughty, gothic burlesque show than head over to Cool Beans (1210 W Hickory St, Denton) this Friday, August 21 to see Bettie Blood Burlesque perform. I would but I’ll most likely be at the Def Leppard/Poison/ Cheap Trick concert at Superpages. Come say hi if you see me and Rock On! -Gil Tha Thrill gil@anemagazine.com (Picture by Scotty Mankoff)

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BunnyRanch Government Assistance Program

I could barely contain my excitement when I received the latest effort from Blag Dahlia of The Dwarves called Candy Now! You see, I have had a long history with The Dwarves, from eating bbq in my friend Cindy’s backyard with ‘em to being on the soundtrack for the indie film Pot Zombies. I even have the letter from SubPop Records from the 1990s wherein the band got dropped from the label when the band claimed HeWhoCanNotBeNamed died, and it was later found to be a hoax. So, yeah, gimme that CD now! I told Clint of MVD and he did. Fans of Blag and The Dwarves style of hardcore, please sit down before you continue reading. Ok, now take a deep breath... good. Candy Now! is pretty much the polar opposite of anything you have ever heard Blag do... liken it more to 1960s pop meets New Wave rather than the brutal, filthy rock we have come to know him and love him performing. Think I’m lying? look at the cover photo-- it’s Blag in a brocade smoking jacket. Most of these songs are duets with Angelina Moysov of Persephones Bees. Other notables in the band are Tom Ayres, Bradley Cook, Bart Davenport and Nash Kato, and there are various members of Urge Overkill, the Dwarves, Persephone’s Bees and Honeycut sprinkled throughout the recording. From ballads to modesque lounge, the songs are superretro fun and dammit, this CD will destroy everything you thought you knew about Blag. Suck it up and make a cocktail, already. www.myspace.com/ candynowexclamationpoint And a s if that isn’t enough Dwarvesrelated news,

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A g g ro n a t i x is releasing a limited-edition figure of punk rock

legends the Dwarves (1000 numbered). The “Throbblehead” figure stands at 5 1/2 inches tall, is made of a lightweight resin and will be displayed in a tri-windowed box. Blag the Ripper and HeWhoCanNotBeNamed are portrayed dominating the stage and are accurately sculpted right down to the lucha libre mask, bondage wear, and skull boner buckle. The figure will be distributed by MVD Entertainment Group and DKE Toys. www.aggronautix.com or www.seeofsound.com Oh, and go to: www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYowkRycD-s to check out a commercial/animated short for it!

CARSON CITY, Nev., - Dennis Hof, owner of the BunnyRanch, has always been a huge Terminator fan and really wants to extend the olive branch to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The BunnyRanch realizes that the Governor's issued I.O.U.s do not have the face value that they could have at the BunnyRanch. Dennis says, "bring your I.O.U. to the BunnyRanch and we will honor it 100%." The BunnyRanch vows to do their part in lifting the Governator's spirits and all of the California I.O.U. recipients. The BunnyRanch will begin mailing free "good time party passes" to all of our United States, Senators, House of Representatives and Governors on August 3, 2009. This is in an effort to help men such as: David Vitter(, John Ensign, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Foley, Robert Livingston, Jim Gibbons, Mark Sanford, and Larry Craig who could have easily avoided their troubles by visiting the BunnyRanch. Dennis says, "these men are good men who have gotten themselves into trouble and could have avoided all of this exploitation by visiting the BunnyRanch." Dennis encourages all of our government officials to salvage their careers, public reputation and families by partying discretely and legally at the Moonlite BunnyRanch. Here’s the latest menu for you to view. More info available at 888-BunnyRanch or www.bunnyranch.com.

Wanna rock? Check out Swine Season, Dragna, Sao and Bourne from Ashes this Frdiay night at the Curtain Club, 2800 Main Street in Deep Ellum. Doors @ 8:30pm. it’s a 17 and up show but liquor imbibing adults can enjoy $2.25 Jagers from 8:30-9:30pm! Never thought I would see the day when Trees would be back in business, but guess what... it is! Clint Barlow, drummer for Vanilla Ice, Downlo and The Cast and his wife Whitney have taken over (when I popped in a couple of weeks ago, QWhitney was sanding down the bar, which is now painted red-- gotta love a gal who knows how to use her powertools!). So thanks and congrats to the Barlows... could this be a sign that Deep Ellum is beginning to finally make a real comeback as the heart of the Dallas music scene? Stay tuned... www.treesdallas.com - YRS4 Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Richard Hunter hosts The Richard Hunter Show weekdays 4-6pm on AM 1360 Dallas. I really liked John Edwards. In 2004, I wished that he had been the presidential nominee on the Democratic ticket, as opposed to occupying the running mate slot. When he ran again in 2008, I gave serious consideration to supporting him. The primary had gone the way that they always do: Dennis Kucinich shows up, flirts with me, and then drops out. I’m used to settling for a second choice, but as second choices went, Edwards was a guy that I could get behind. His message of two Americas was so resonant. It spoke to the very core of what I thought so much of the past decade’s folly had been about: Trusting the rich, as we blindly rewarded them with giveaways. It was 2008, and the common people were at the gates. I was among them. Edwards, as I’m sure you know, had an extramarital affair with a woman that his campaign had hired as his videographer. Edwards’ very popular wife Elizabeth had been diagnosed with cancer, and she had already been clas-

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his. The maternity timeline would have conflicted with the date by which Edwards had claimed that the affair had ended. Well, guess what? Now he admits that the kid belongs to him. Could it get any worse?

Sex Tapes Get Sticky With Politics Involved sified as terminal before the affair came to light. Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama had already bested Edwards in the primary by that point, but talk of him being Obama’s running mate or even his attorney general quickly became nonexistent. This guy was politically D.O.A., but the story was just getting started. As a quick positioning statement, let me say that I don’t care whether or not my elected officials are sleeping around. It has nothing to do with their job qualifications or subsequent performance of duties. I didn’t care when it was Mark Sanford and John Ensign any more than I did when it was Bill Clinton. No matter how scandalous the details are, I’m assuming that they will never again rise to the level of our third president who owned his paramour. That being said, I know a lot of people do base their votes

on such things, under the mistaken impression that these politicians should be held up as some type of role model, and for that fact I am so relieved that John Edwards wasn’t actually elected en route to his politically suicidal eventuality. What is perhaps most remarkable is the way in which this scandal has continued to twist and turn. Edwards has reminded me in his handling of the affair of a girl that I once dated that would own up to only as much as she was able to determine that you already knew. No reason to confess to more than had been uncovered. This usually led to the unnerving process of peeling back the truth in layers. With Edwards, his wife was initially told that the affair had been a single occasion. Then came the revelation that it had in fact gone on for some time. There was a child, and Edwards insisted that it wasn’t

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Yes, if there was a sex tape, and there might be. Former campaign staffer Andrew Young, who for a time provided cover for Edwards’ mistress by claiming the affair and the love child to be his own, is now claiming in a book proposal that he has personally seen a sex tape that the woman and John Edwards made. He said that he does not know its’ current whereabouts. If the tape were to ever surface, John Edwards would go down as the Paris Hilton of political sex tapes: the one that really put them on the map. Overnight, I could see a litany of failed political candidates who once moved into jobs as consultants and lobbyists opting for the burgeoning industry of political porno. If Sarah and Todd Palin ever made use of that night vision lens, the market might never be hotter. Log on to richardhuntershow. com

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Live Shows and Events

Double-Wide (myspace.com/thedoublewidebar) Thu. 08/20: Davila 666 , Bad Sports, Fungi Girls Fri. 08/21: Lions, Hello Lover Sat. 08/22: Dove Hunter, Telegraph Canyon

O’RILEY’S (www.myspace.com/orileys2003) Fri. 08/21: Trip Adams, How Fiction Ends (Until Lenore), Sixty Two, Altered Evidence, Enamored Sat. 08/22: Kevin Stephenson, Deneyed, Out of the Cellar (Ratt Tribute Band), Rip the System (Rage Against the Machine Tribute Band, Rust in Peace (Megadeath Tribute Band), Bebe Le Strange (Heart Tribute Band), Swan Song (Led Zepplin Tribute Band) Reno’s Chop Shop (myspace.com/renoschopshop) Every Wednesday: DJ Virus spins 80’s Every Thursday: Jerry Rutherford Spins Rock Sat. 08/22: Speedealer, Hellgoat, Bastardos De Sancho, Bexar County Bastards Lola’s Saloon (myspace.com/lolasfortworth) Thu. 08/20: Taylor Craig Mills Fri. 08/21: Telegraph Canyon New CD Listening Party w/ RTB2 and Eaton Lake Tonics Sat. 08/22: The Dangits, Qui, Zombie Shark Attack, The Loosies SKILLMAN STREET BAR (www.myspace.com/skillmanstreetbar) Thu. 08/20: Sexy Thursday Lingerie Contest Fri. 08/21: Pimpadelic, Sever the Senses, Chemical Tree, Lift & Black Wax Midget Sat. 08/22: Solid Hate, Earthrot, Hostile, Babtism by 80 Proof, Funeral Express, Distraut Sun. 08/23: How Fiction Ends, Resonant Chamber, Captain Incredible, Hellbound Hooligans, Lust for Lucy, Mercy Kill Poor David’s Pub (www.poordavidspub.com) Thu. 08/20: Rescue Signals Fri. 08/21: Jayson Bales, Trey Johnson Sat. 08/22: Outlaw & Angels, The Guyon Girls, Courtney, Layci, and Charla with Glitter Rose, Anna Thomas, Carolyn Moore, Suzanne Kimbrell and Emmeline Mon. 08/24: Mobile Death Camp (Featuring “Beefcake the Mighty” Todd Evans from GWAR) The Curtain Club (www.curtainclub.com) Fri. 08/21: Burne From Ashes, Sao, Dragna, Swine

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Did I Ever Tell You The One About...

Season Sat. 08/22: Goriila Production Showcase

The Liquid Lounge (In The Curtain Club) Fri. 08/21: Soul Prizm, J-Fly, Poetik, The Saint Sat. 08/22: The Aftermath Theory, Audio Overdose, Hope Is Going Home, Adrift SONS OF HERMANN HALL (www.sonsofhermann.com) Tue. : Blues ‘n’ the Night, Wed.: Swing Dance Thu.: Electric Campfire Acoustic Jam Fri - Sun. 08/21- 23: Blues Swing Workshop LAKEWOOD BAR AND GRILL (www.lbgdallas.com) Wed. 08/19: Kalumet, Speakeasy Tiger, Michelle Johnson Band, Waiting For One Thur. 08/20: Taylor Davis, Tim Miller, Eric Neff Fri. 08/21: Poison Cherry, Love Gun Sat. 08/22: Rockett Queen, David Coté Bandl Sun. 08/23: Sunday Afternoon Jazz w/ Them Bones (Big Band), A Fight For Fame Mon. 08/24: Hair Ballad Allstars Tue. 08/25: Twilight Jazz w/ Carolyn Lee Jones, Trainwreck Karaoke THE PEARL (www.pearlatcommerce.com) Wed. 08/19: Rick Yost and The Sofakings Fri. 08/21: Gregg Smith Sat. 08/22: Anson Funderburg and Friends Mon. 08/24: Miss Marcy and her Texas Sugar Daddies Tue. 08/25: The Rebel Alliance Jazz Ensemble MUDDY WATERS (myspace.com/muddywatersongreenville) Fri. 08/21: Gravity Feeds Sat. 08/22: Stogeaphilia, Bipolar Express, DJ Moto Work Out THE GOAT (7248 Gaston Ave., Dallas 214-327-8119) Wed. 08/19: Josh Bramhall Thu. 08/20: Pete Barbeck Jam Fri. 08/21: Jackie Don Loe w/Electric Trio Sat. 08/22: Kenny Barker Band Mon. 08/24: Tony DeCicco, Perry Jones Jam Tue. 08/25: Texas TopCats THE PROPHET BAR (http://www.theprophetbar.com) Sat. 08/22: The Burgundys, The Champion Sea, Dead Beat Poetry, Culebrastance,

And other strange oddities of the world

Man Sentenced For Groping Minnie Mouse!

In June, 60-year-old grandpa John Moyer visited Walt Disney World. He was hanging in Toontown when he ran into Minnie Mouse. As he took a photo with her, he reached up and gave her fake-mouse boobs a little squeeze. Just for good measure, he patted her on the butt. The grandkids were watching. The woman playing Minnie complained to her boss, who had Moyer arrested, according to Click Orlando. This week, he went on trial and was just sentenced to two days in jail, 180 days probation, and 50 hours of community service—all of which he must do before he can head home to Pennsylvania. The best part of this whole story? The courtroom exchanges. “It doesn’t matter she was grabbed. She’s just a mouse,” argued the prosecutor. “It’s not just a mouse. It’s a person ... It’s not OK to go to the diner and pinch a waitress’ butt anymore, and it’s not OK to go to a theme park and pinch a character’s butt.” The defense attorney stressed the incident happened in front of many people, none of whom thought anything was wrong. Also, Minnie didn’t say anything! The prosecutor countered that since Disney actors are fired for breaking character, she was terrified of losing her job.

Customer Spots Poison Stems In Salad

A customer shopping at a discount supermarket store in Germany found stems of a poisonous weed in mixed salad bags, triggering concerns about potential health risks, the store said. Traces of senecio vulgaris or common groundsel, that can cause extensive liver damage if ingested in large amounts, were discovered by a customer with a specialized knowledge of plants in a Plus store in the northern city of Hanover. Samples were sent to the University of Bonn for testing, which detected more than 2,500 micrograms of poison -- 2,500 times more than the recommended daily allowance -- in 150 grams of salad, German media reported.

Most U.S. Money Laced With Cocaine

Traces of cocaine taint up to 90 percent of paper money in the United States, a new study finds. A group of scientists tested banknotes from more than 30 cities in five countries, including the United States, Canada, Brazil, China, and Japan, and found “alarming” evidence of cocaine use in many areas. U.S. and Canadian currency had the highest levels, with an average contamination rate of between 85 and 90 percent, while Chinese and Japanese currency had the lowest, between 12 and 20 percent contamination.

Accused Nude Doorbell Ringer Pleads Scientists have known for years that paper money Not Guilty can become contaminated with cocaine during drug A man suspected of appearing nude at homes and ringing doorbells is being held on $60,000 bail after pleading not guilty to a series of charges. Peter Allen Steele, who is 6 feet 7 inches tall and weighs 250 pounds, entered his not guilty pleas Tuesday after being charged with seven counts, including driving under the influence, evading a peace officer, indecent exposure and entering a house without permission. Authorities say the 38-year-old Steele led San Mateo County sheriff’s deputies on a car chase on July 11 that ended with him streaking into a home and then into woods near Redwood City. Deputies say it took a Taser and two shots from a bean bag gun to bring him down.

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deals and directly through drug use, such as snorting cocaine through rolled bills. Contamination can also spread to banknotes not involved in the illicit drug culture, because bills are processed in banks’ currency-counting machines. The amounts of cocaine found on U.S. bills ranged from .006 micrograms (several thousands of times smaller than a single grain of sand) to more than 1,240 micrograms of cocaine per banknote (about 50 grains of sand). The scientists found that larger cities like Baltimore, Boston, and Detroit had among the highest average cocaine levels. Washington, D.C., ranked above the average, with 95 percent of the banknotes sampled contaminated with the drug. The lowest average cocaine levels in U.S. currency appeared on bills collected from Salt Lake City.

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METRO ANE SPORTS The Tigers decide to be a wee tad on the ungrateful side as visitors and start brushin’ back the Sox batters. Couple a guys on each side have earned some bruises by standing too close to the strike zone.

This sure been one heck’uva past week, ain’t she. They’s some things happened what got us to open our eyes, some that got us bayin’ at the moon, fightin’ twixt ourselves, diggin’ holes to bury a nice bite for another day, diggin’ holes to find things, and diggin’ some holes to bury some things that didn’t have a good odor. The problem with buryin’ things is that sometimes we forget what we buried where, and instead of diggin’ up a great bone to chew on we dig up an old smell. Let’s see what kinda damage been done so far. Baseball brawls and slugfests. Unless you’ve been on vacation to a desert island for the last week, then along with the rest of the planet you know about the “brawl” between Boston and Detroit. Talk about dredging up somethin’ that stinks, this is it. A brawl? C’mon, gimme a break. That didn’t even qualify as neighbors in Texas discussin’ the Cowboys. Here’s the drill: Boston was hosting Detroit but they didn’t put the fancy linen and sterling silver on the table. Instead, they’d been makin’ Detroit eat off paper plates and plastic forks and spoons. Detroit ain’t much liking the hospitality, especially when the Red Sox pitchers start aimin’ for a few of the Tigers batters.

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Then, on last Tuesday, Detroit pitcher Porcello let’s one fly at Red Sox batter Youkilis and nails him on the side. Youki seems to think ‘Cello isn’t playing right in the Sox’s sandbox so he charges the mound. Midway there he grabs his helmet and tosses it at ‘Cello, missing him by a mile. Youki continues toward ‘Cello who wraps him up in his arms and tosses both of them to the ground. Both benches clear and, with the announcers breathlessly excited, the dugout players surround the two on the ground and start holding on to each other. The announcers call this a brawl, the players get separated, and with chests poofed out, manly stride back to their safe sides. A brawl? A BRAWL? I don’t know how many people it takes to make a brawl, but for sure one of the basic tenets is there has to be some punches thrown. You got that? There were NO punches thrown. Nada. NO PUNCHES THROWN. That ain’t no brawl, it ain’t even a good dance on Saturday night. And what was the outcome of this horrendous “brawl”? Both ‘Cello and Youki got hit with five game suspensions. These people’d wet their pants if they ever let hockey players batter up. But there was a slugfest. A right from the eyes slugfest that put the baseballers to shame. How’d it do that? It was between women. You read that right. Between women.

And this weren’t no hair pullin’, fingernail scratchin’, or rollin’ around on the ground fight. No, not on this night. It was a full-fledged, eight knuckles to the face brawl. Lefts, rights, uppercuts, haymakers, thunderbolts, lightning strikes, and chainsaws. Am I gonna sit here and say that a couple a gals fightin’ was worth watchin’ and better’n what the baseballers did? All day long I’m sayin’ it. In fact, if either of these two, dare I say “ladies”, strapped it on with the baseballers, I’d be willing to bet heavily that only a very few could take them in a fist fight. That’s how bad these gals are. Down to the bone bad. It was Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos challenging Gina Carano for the lightweight (145lb) title. Admittedly, when I first tuned in it was to watch Carano, I mean, dudes, she’s like the Danica Patrick of mixed martial arts. She’s hot. And, from the few fights I’d seen between some gals, this wasn’t really gonna be nothing much. Let’s face it, gals aren’t legendary for having the toughness inside to punch faces or get punched in the face. I am so glad I was wrong. These gals didn’t just WANT to break fingernails, they wanted to break ‘em on each other’s face. And they wanted to help each other remove mascara, but not with cold cream: with their fists. From the onset it was nothing but nonstop flying fists. From both of them. It reminded me of the Brown v Faber fight. These were five minute rounds and within the first minute they’d impressed upon all that this was gonna be nothing less than kick butt action. I’ll bet that there wasn’t ever a lull that lasted even maybe, maybe, four seconds. Keeping your head in a fight is primary, and do-

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ing this while taking a punch takes some major toughness and concentration. And these ladies gave and took punches. Both these ladies have seriously dedicated themselves to the mixed martial arts and they’ve obviously undergone some seriously great training. Where are they compared to ladies boxing? You don’t want to put Ali’s daughter in the ring with either of these two, she’d get beat like eggs in a blender. The only problem I had was how the fight ended. Right at the end, Carano’s down and taking a dozen or so hits without much defense. With one second left, the ref calls the fight. C’mon, 1 second?? Carano wasn’t getting seriously injured, it basically looked like she was gassed, and the ref calls it? Cyborg gets the win and title, but it shudda gone into the second. If there wasn’t a market niche for these fights I’m sure either of these two would gladly carve it. I’m just not sure what they’d use: a machete or a blow torch. How’d ya like the first preseason NFL games? Did ya watch any? Get any good info? Confirm any opinions you already got? Get all excited? Get depressed? Well, maybe if we do some barkin’ we’ll get some more outta this. The Cowboys. As expected they didn’t show much, but I’ll tell you what, they’ve now let us know exactly what their thoughts were for the draft. They obviously like the starting offensive line and backups, whereas I still feel they could’ve used this draft to upgrade the O line. They definitely have gotten help on defense, and they’re gonna need those new corners to come through because Newman can’t stay uninjured. With last year’s lousiest special teams the Cow-

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boys have ever fielded, they hired new special team’s fixer Joe DeCamillus and drafted kicker David Buehler. So far, DeCamillus is a solid and Buehler is the real deal. We need at least some touchbacks over none, and we need several returns stopped inside the twenty instead of a couple. Buehler’s leg is definitely gonna give both those to us. A team that doesn’t place field position as a priority in game planning is doomed, and that’s one of the nails that sealed the ‘Boy’s coffin shut last year. The first preseason game to be played in the Cowboys new castle is this Friday against the Tennessee Titans. Jones is using this as a practice “cram” to see how the opening regular season game’s gonna be. What’s the cram? He’s selling several thousands of SRO’s (standing room only). Not exactly what I call a sterling idea. Why? Well, let’s see. It’s gonna have these folks standing from the time they leave their cars to the time they get back to ‘em. That oughta be somewhere’s betwixt four and five hours. Think of that. Ok, think a tad more.

How longs it been since YOU stood for 4-5 hours? And what’cha think these folks are gonna wanna do once their feet &/or backs get tired? You bet’cha, they’re gonna want to sit down. Ooooh, and where’s that gonna be? How ‘bout some high priced seat that a ticket holder just vacated for a restroom and drink break. Uh huh. What the Cowboys solution to keep about thirty thousand SRO’s in line is placing ushers at the entrance to the seating areas checking tickets. What’s the real task the ushers are facing? How about these SRO sections are called “party decks”, which suggests most will be drinking alcoholic beverages. The people who’ve paid top dollar for seats will now have to wade through a virtual SEA of drinking, foot sore SRO’s just to use the washroom and get concessions, then fight their way back through the throng of partiers, and pos-

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sibly have to dislodge wayward sitters.

Sounds like another reason for fans to use their own grills and HD tv’s. Let’s get to Two Dogs outlook for this season. Were you keeping tabs on the Cutler v Orton QB controversy? C’mon now, you can’t sleep through this. Kyle Orton has more W’s by his name than Jay Cutler but Jay’s the better quarterback. Denver had a very good offensive line for Jay while he was there, but the defense sucked. Chicago had a very good defense for Kyle but a not so good offense. They’ve now flip flopped teams and it’s going to be interesting to see how this plays out. Although Cutler’s receiving corps isn’t what you’d call great, or even very good, I think he’s going to do better than Orton. Denver fans need to start wearing depends. So does Orton. How many of you think the Detroit Lions, holders of the only winless season ever played by a team in the NFL, will go 8-8? I don’t. I think they’re good for maybe 4-6 wins. Without Favre, do you think the Vikings will still take the NFC Central division? Most are now giving that to the Packers. The Bears will be better than most think and with the Vikings having internal problems, Chicago challenges Green Bay for first. The Singletary coached 49er’s are going to give the Cardinals of the NFC West fits, if not take the division outright. Either way, it’s going to be a much better division and fun to watch. The Rams and Seahawks aren’t ready yet. The Falcons are the popular pick for the NFC South and unless the Saints can challenge that’s probably true. Except for Atlanta, this a mostly average division. Ah, our NFC East. Nobody wants to place our Cowboys higher than third, giving the edge to the Eagles then Giants. Even with Haynesworth, most have the Redskins bringing up the rear. Seems Vicks arrival to Philly has all the pundits giving the Super Bowl to the Eagles before the season’s even started. Call me crazy but I think we need to play things out, and I DO think the Cowboys have something to say about all this.

The AFC East should be the most exciting division of both Conferences. Bar none. These games will be so tough that the other divisions might benefit from these guys knocking each other off. Brady will draw attention, as will TO, and Pennington, but the Jets are gonna be FUN this year. The AFC North will be the third division and push for second, but I don’t think the Steelers repeat. Ravens fans are going to be sorely disappointed, but the Browns and Bengals should be happier, at least more so than last year. I want Quinn to start at QB for the Browns. Palmer may be throwing better, finally, but without TJ, they maybe split the season. The AFC South is tough, no doubt, and unless they choke, will be the second division. I don’t think the Titans can duplicate last year, and Vince Young replacing Collins at QB isn’t the answer. I really think the Texans are better this year, enough so they’ve got a good shot to take this division. Colts will be steady, playoffs questionable, and the Jag’s are out, and so’s Del Rio. The AFC West’s overall still a joke, if the Chargers don’t make it this year their gone. Denver’s got the word “iffy” sewn all over their jerseys, KC is retooling, no Raiders.

Readers Responses: Two Dogs: Isn’t Crabtree taking a chance holding out? How can he think he’ll get paid higher than what he was drafted at since everyone’s slotted? Can the Niners win without him? Joilenne Dallas Joilenne: Texas Tech ex Crabtree’s threat to hold out the season and reenter the draft isn’t scaring anybody. Players like slotting when they get paid more, and hate it when paid less. I think a rookie cap would end a bunch of this. Singletary will have the Niners much improved this year, so much that Arizona’s more than nervous, and Crabtree isn’t the difference maker. It’d be nice

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to have him, but they’ll still win. TD

Two Dogs: I think the Cowboys don’t make the playoffs, the Eagles finally win the Super Bowl, Favre comes back and is knocked out of his jock, the Patriots lose to the Eagles in the SB, Cutler sinks the Bears, Orton lifts the Bronco’s, and Bush runs the Saints. Sonji Mesquite Sonji: You may want to go back to school and learn how to think. TD Two Dogs: The Rangers are making you look like the fool you are. You couldn’t figure out a baseball team OR game for nothing. You make the stock market collapse look good. Roger Dallas Roger: You make a mountain goat smell good. TD Two Dogs: I like Tiger Woods and all, but he gets so much coverage that none of the other golfers get any air time. I think the other golfers deserve to be seen, after all, it takes all of them to make the Tour. Rachel Dallas Rachel: That point has been brought up by many, but the PGA and television are convinced that more Tiger means higher ratings. Besides, all any of the other golfers has to do for more exposure is beat him. TD Are electric eels the original energizer bunnies? Pat “Two Dogs” Snow twodogs@anemagazine.com

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Lamborghini CEO: Hybrid Model Due Cops Cruise Woodward Avenue On 2015 Nerd Chariots Lamborghini CEO Stephan Winkelmann has said in a recent interview with German magazine Automobilewoche, that he tips the brand will launch its hybrid model by 2015.

Rather than being an all out green warrior however the Lamborghini hybrid will utilise a small electric motor in slow moving urban traffic but will allow full use of either a 10 or 12 cylinder engine (yet to be decided) when in full flight. Mr Winkelmann also said during the interview that Lamborghini isn’t interested in following Audi or Mercedes-Benz’s footsteps into the all-electric arena anytime soon, though did hint that the Gallardo would be used as a test-bed model for the technology prior to any attempt on the Murcielago. As coincidence would have it 2015 is the same date Ferrari has set to release its hybrid model.

Goblin WolfSpyder Turns Your Trike Into a Jet Fighter The Goblin WolfSpyder is a kit that transforms a Can Am Spyder reverse trike into a fully-enclosed road-going fighter plane. Finally, we can fulfill our dream of owning the least practical vehicle ever.

The kit retains the stock Can Am Spyder suspension, but clearly uses a bespoke frame which locates the driver low down and between the front wheels. The engine is relocated behind the cockpit with a huge and functionless tail fin (Goblin claims it may help other road users see you) bolted to the top.

The Segway was the high-water mark of nerd-tastic transportation until the T3 Motion three-wheeled chariot came along. The local police had ‘em to patrol this weekend’s Woodward Dream Cruise. And believe us, nobody respected their authority. We actually feel kind of sorry for these cops. How can you project an air of control over an armada of the baddest cars ever built when you’re scooting around on a ride more suited to a sci-fi convention ? These guys are showing up to a gun fight with a kazoo.

Orange County Choppers Builds Electric Motorcycle, Breaks The Law

It looks like Siemens paid the Teutuls to build an electric chopper in order to promote the company’s Smart Grid charging technology. Flagrantly violating New York’s laws by failing to wear a helmet during his demo ride in an open-to-traffic Columbus Circle this morning, Paul Teutul Sr. described the experience as, “Awesome.” In an apparently unnoticed ironic twist, it appears that the nearly-silent chopper isn’t just quieter than a typical Orange County Chopper, it’s also faster. The official top speed is listed as 100mph. In keeping with the Eco-friendly theme, the knuckle draggers at OCC used water based paint and an unspecified amount of “recycled materials” in the bike’s construction.

Like the Can Am, the WolfSpyder doesn’t lean and presumably retains the incredibly restrictive stability control system, which is the only thing standing between the Spyder and lawsuits fun.

“Building an electric bike from recycled materials was something new for us, but we definitely enjoyed the challenge and think that the end product makes a great addition to our wide range of unique motorcycles,” said Teutul Sr. “While electric bikes probably won’t surpass traditional ones for the foreseeable future, we also think that energy efficient technologies are increasingly important for both manufacturers and consumers.”

The WolfSpyder bodykit adds $19,995 to the Spyder’s $15,449 base price and is registerale as a motorcycle.

The chopper will appear an in episode of the inexplicably popular American Chopper on TLC before being auctioned off to benefit charity.

Upcoming 2009 Events

August 22, 2009 - Grand Prairie, Texas - The Best of the Best Car Show - QuickTrip Park at Grand Prairie, 1651 Lone Star Parkway, Grand Prairie. The First Car Show Held in this Brand New 20 Million Dollar Venue. “Kids Pedal Speedway and Playland” by Ride n’ Zone. A Full Sports Bar with over 20 Flat Panel TVS. Ft. Worth MusicFest Activities in the Evening. Two Concession Stands, Plenty of Restrooms, and More! http://www.bestcarshowever.com/ August 29, 2009 - Mansfield, Texas - Ride for the Riders - The ride will begin at Mansfield’s Town Park, 500 N. Main next to the Post Office in Mansfield. Registration will start at 8:00 am and the ride will leave at 9:30 am. The fee for this ride is $20.00 for the rider and $20.00 for a passenger. The ride will end with a 50/50 drawing, and music. $200.00 will be awarded for the best hand. For more information call (817) 477-1437 or go to http://www.ridefortheriders.org. Have a ride or other event you want posted? Send the information to: editor@anemagazine.com

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gorilla gadgets

odd : cool : interesting : insane stuff! GameSkulls

Why listen to compromised audio while playing your favorite games? These helmets take audio to the next level of performance by using design, not gimmicks and tricks. A sound card is only as good as the headphones delivering the audio. These headgear even make on-board audio sound superb The design is gamer tested and has clocked hundreds of hours of comfortable LANparty and home gaming time. The concept is gamer designed and gamer approved for comfort, fun and performance. All of our headgear are compatible with standard audio and microphone jacks found on all computers, even with on-board audio. That is right, you do not need a sound card to use the headgear. The jacks are gold-plated for quality sound. The headgear is adjustable to fit almost any head and the comfort is designed for marathon gaming sessions. http://www.gameskulls.com

In Russia, Snowblowers Use Mig-15 Jets

It’s a snowblower. Or better said, a snow melter. The ones above use Klimov VK-1 engines from Mig-15 planes. The one from Tuesday could have been the engine from a Mig-17. They also use these to melt ice on other planes engines--while waiting on the cold Russian airport runways

Solar Power Shower Puts A New Spin On Outdoor Showers

If you’re looking for an interesting alternative outdoor shower, this cool Solar Power Shower might be the thing you need. Most outdoor camping showers use the sun to heat up a container of water, then spray that heated water on you. It’s a concept that works, but unfortunately you either need a large container, or you’ll run out of water quickly. Thankfully this Solar Power Shower

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can provide lots of warm water without taking up much space. The idea behind this particular shower is that if you combine really hot water with cold water, you’ll get a nice steady flow of warm water. It’s a simple enough concept, one that works in almost every modern house. The solar panels heat up 8 liters of water to 140-degrees in around 2 hours. When you’re ready to shower, just turn on a garden hose that’s connected to it, and “you and your family can take several showers consecutively before the tank needs to reheat.” Needing a hose means it’s not very portable, and the $200 price tag is a bit salty, it’s still a cool idea though. http://www.herringtoncatalog.com

iLuv Announces Three-Port USB Wall Charger

The iPhone accessory maker has announced a three port iAD117 USB wall charger that will be useful to almost any gadget lover. There isn’t much to say about the device, other than noting the three USB ports good for charging many different gadgets. The two prongs that go into your wall outlet fold down to give it a sleek and slim look when not in use. At $20, I know this would be a perfect addition to my laptop bag when it hits stores next month. http://www.i-luv.com

DormVault Laptop Safe – Dear Roommate, In Case You Hadn’t Noticed, I Don’t Trust You

I guess I lucked out at university since I didn’t have to share a dorm room with anyone, but if you get to school in September and happen to find yourself hilariously mismatched with a sketchy roommate, you can at least ensure your expensive new laptop (or other slim gear) will be safe. The DormVault, available from ThinkGeek for $79.99, is a rugged steel laptop case that’s designed to go nowhere. Instead, you’re supposed to use it to lock up your laptop, up to 17-inches in size, and thanks to an included set of bolts and mounting brackets it can be permanently attached to a large piece of furniture (like a bed) that isn’t going to get pinched while you’re at class. At the least it looks more secure than those useless braided steel security cables. http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/gear/c1f4/

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You may or may not have been aware of my absence from the pages of the mighty Metro as of late but just in case you were wondering about my M.I.A. status, suffice it to say that things have been interesting as of late. The main issue being that my long suffering wife whom I’ve made mention of so many times in articles past has decided to suffer no more. After 20 plus years she decided enough was enough and has decided that she needed an upgrade. Needless to say this was like a baseball bat to the forehead and I’ve been out of sorts to say the very least. In time, I may share some of it. But for now, it’s a festering sore that’s has me riding an emotional rollercoaster more wild than Courtney Love after a four day bender with PMS on her way to pick up the kids for visitation. On the bright side, I’ve found a new home working for some good people who I have tremendous respect and adoration and at some point, I’ll have to think of starting to date which should open a whole new can of interesting worms for these little articles. God help us all. So in the interest of getting back on track I give you a piece I’ve held back for a while. It’s not for the squeamish and skirts the scatological. Consider yourself forewarned.

Too Much Information

Last Wednesday, I had one of those emergency situations that crosses one’s eyes and has them praying to very creator of the universe for the sweet relief of a porcelain seat and “Dear Lord, if you can find it in your will, a clean stall with a working lock.” My prayers were answered on this particular issue and I was thankful so I saw fit to not press my luck and remind Jesus about my cash flow problem again. When my business was finished and I was doing the “paperwork” I felt a bit of a sharp pain in the Richard Gere hamster execution device®. I said, “owee” and moved on. Later that night and into the next morning it felt like I had a red hot poker left in my secret hidey hole. I couldn’t sit and I couldn’t stand and by Friday, I could barely move. So I did the only decent thing and went to work. At some point, after repeatedly getting light headed from getting in and out of my car I decided I had a real problem and it was time to self medicate. I pulled into the parking lot of my local grocery store and hobbled to the medicine aisle. I couldn’t decide whether I should get Lanacane or something stronger like that stuff you put on your gums to numb them. I decided at the last minute that I should take the use as directed warnings to heart lest I could wind up at a real doctor’s office for inspection of a mistreated orifice. So I made my way to the Pepto Bismol area where I could more easily see the Preparation H with my peripheral vision. I settled on the federal penitentiary strength, snatched it from the shelf like a cobra takes a mouse and shuffled off to find other items to buy so it wouldn’t look to the cashier like a had made a special trip. I made out of there with my one quest item and seven dollars worth of fruit, mints, cola and one of those little sodoku puzzle books. What the hell is sodoku? Then I tore out of that grocery store lot like well, my butt was on fire. When I got to the stop light, I thought, “now what?” How was I going to going to get the Prep H on the puckered A in traffic? A number of scenarios

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flashed through my mind, none of them ending well and all of them ending with a wrecked car, an ambulance, a crowd and my pants around my ankles with a busted index finger.   So I pulled into the local pharmacy (they always have clean restrooms) to work some extra strength ointment magic. When safely ensconced in the stall, I dug into my bag and retrieved the little box containing promised relief. The box contained: the tube of ointment, little pointy black thing and instructions which were promptly thrown away. After breaking the seal of the Preparation H, it occurred to me that I didn’t know how much to put on the affected area. I wanted it to work but I also didn’t want to O.D. (visions of the ambulance and crowd flashed back into mind) so, back into the trash I went, to get the instructions. Blah blah blah, skim skim skim, insert applicator tip…”oh hell no!” I grabbed a wad of toilet paper squirted some on, reached back and felt two things: sweet relief and some kind of acorn sized thing on my balloon knot that must have escaped from a lab. So the rest of the day I’m moping along thinking I have some kind of tumor, feeling like I have a scrambled egg between my cheeks. But why should I let that stop me from playing poker. Yup, that’s right after work instead of going straight home and lying arse up; I decided to sit for an extended period of time on my new found underdeveloped Siamese twin brother at my local cigar shop with my buddies. After a while, my crack was feeling extra nasty and needed to be addressed. I excused myself and trucked it to privacy. Luckily it was loud on the other side of the door or else they would have heard my Janet Leigh shrieks as I   stared in horror at the blood in my shorts. Apparently my Siamese twin brother had been killed earlier that night by some crushing weight. I cleaned up but was still having issues and I was in danger of “spotting” my trousers. Poker time was over and somehow I had to get a tampon. Cigar shops don’t have tampons. I rolled some TP around my finger, covered my brother’s corpse and walked stiffly out the door to my car. On the way home I made the dreaded phone call to my father and spoke the sentence, “Dad, you’re an expert on this – what’s a hemorrhoid?”  I explained my symptoms, and he gave me a lesson on the care and feeding of a healthy anus along with the diagnosis of a simple boil. Not a hemorrhoid, not an underdeveloped brother and (queue Schwarzenegger voice) NOT A TUMOR! I used to mock those feminine hygiene product commercials where the mother and daughter are on the beach and the daughter asks the mother, “Mom are there days when you don’t feel so fresh?”  But now, after my hygiene talk with my father which by the way, is now burned deeper into my consciousness than any opened robe incident-I have a whole new respect.   Words: Mike Wilshin oldmanmike@anemagazine.com

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Foreign Porn Producers Sue SKorean Internet Users Foreign pornography producers are suing South Korean Internet users for breach of copyright by uploading their content onto local websites, police said Thursday.

In an unusual case, a local law firm representing 50 US and Japanese porn producers has filed suit against about 10,000 heavy uploaders. The lawsuit was filed simultaneously through 10 police stations in Seoul and the adjoining Gyeonggi province, a National Police Agency spokesman said, refusing to give details. One officer at the agency said the foreign porn producers had asked for a police investigation into breach of copyright, which is punishable in South Korea by jail terms. Munhwa newspaper reported that the lawsuit calls for swift legal action, saying the unlimited distribution of pornography is “very harmful to juveniles” in one of the world’s most wired societies. The official said his clients would seek financial damages in addition to police action. He said they would also sue about 80 South Korean website operators on similar charges. Some of the local Internet users allegedly earned up to 30 million won (24,170 dollars) a month from other users who clicked on the content.

Porn Phone Priest Flees Temple

A priest was caught watching clips from a porn film during prayers in a Sikh temple in north India.

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Feeling Dirty All About Porn: Releases, News and Stars! Jasbir Singh Gill, who was attending the morning prayers session, noticed that the priest was allegedly “not concentrating on the prayers” and was distracted by “something underneath the table on which the scriptures were placed”. Mr Gill said: “I was shocked to see the priest was actually busy watching pornographic clips on his mobile phone that he had cleverly hidden under the table.” The chief priest of the gurudwara in Jhar Sahab, near Ludhiana, Punjab was called, but the priest managed to escape leaving his mobile phone behind. A complaint was later filed to a police station in Ludhiana. A police spokesman said: “We have registered a complaint against the accused after checking the porn movie clips on his mobile.”

Japan’s PS3 Is Porn-Friendly

Japan’s multimedia PS3 is not just good for gaming and watching Blu-ray. You can also watch porn aplenty on it.

QJ.net reports DDM.tv will soon launch a porn-ondemand service for the Sony PlayStation 3, offering HD adult films for the player. All that’s needed is a broadband connection, an HDMI cable, and the PS3, of course. Before downloading, users must log onto the DMM.tv site, where they can search for titles, porn stars and types of content. Among the available titles is Yuma Asami and One Hundred Onanists.

Justine Joli Foot Job Stroker Now Available Leading adult novelty manufacturer, Topco Sales, releases the Penthouse Pet Collection Justine Joli CyberSkin Foot Job Stroker, the manufacturing company’s first masturbation device designed for those with a foot fetish. “This isn’t just some replica of a hot chick’s pretty feet,” explains Miranda Lancaster, Director of Product Development for Topco Sales. “This is Penthouse Pet Justine Joli’s perfect, size 6 ½ feet, made with CyberSkin and Topco Sales’ Dual Density

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technology. This gives it a lifelike quality like no other faux-skin products on the market and Justine Joli’s CyberSkin Foot Job Stroker feels like there are real bones inside the feet!” A professional ballerina turned model, Joli quickly made a name for herself in the adult industry as a fetish performer after being discovered while she was working at the Glendale Galleria in Southern California in the year 2000. Over the years she has appeared in both fetish videos and print work and has even made mainstream appearances on “The Howard Stern Show” and the “Opie & Anthony Show”. Additionally, Joli was named Penthouse Pet of the Month in September of 2007 and Pet of the Year Runner-Up in 2008, breaking her out of the fetish world and making her a household name to Penthouse readers. “Justine’s popularity seems to ever be increasing,” says Amanda Byrd, Penthouse magazine’s Director of Licensing. “Her smoldering image on the packaging of her new foot job stroker from the Penthouse Pet Collection is sure to lure in both her fans as well as those who may not be as familiar with her. Now is the perfect time for retailers to capitalize on not only Justine’s popularity, but the increasing popularity of footwork as a fetish. Unlike any other masturbation device on the market, Justine’s CyberSkin Foot Job Stroker can offer unrivaled sexual gratification for men or even women who are turned on by feet.” The Penthouse Pet Collection Justine Joli CyberSkin Foot Job Stroker is phthalate free, weighs approximately 2.5 pounds and features soft toes with hand painted toes nails and realistic, firm arches to squeeze the user just right.

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Nola’s Nuggets

Not Your Ordinary Advice Column Dear Nola: Me and my girl were watching porn the other nite and they showed this guy cumming all over this chicks face and she acted like she was lovin’ it. I asked my girl if she wanted me to do that and she freaked! She said no girl really wants that OR a extremely large dick. She said that was all fantasy for men. Is that true? Dear Gullible, The only thing we want regularly over our faces is wrinkle cream with money back guarantees. The thing we fantasize about rubbing all over our face is something along the lines of dark, creamy, chocolate pudding. Therefore, if you really want to turn this one around, I suggest you get the Phizer and the General Foods people together and figure out a way to make your junk look, feel and taste like chocolate pudding with a money back guarantee wrinkle remover as a bonus. You’ll never hear another peep outta her....as for the size of the equipment---if there’s plenty of lubricating chocolate involved, it will be the last of her concerns. Size doesn’t matter if you know how to use

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what you got and know how to talk the talk, “baby, baby you are so beautiful” Bon Appetite’ Nola My girlfriend keeps getting urinary tract infections, she’s blaming it on sex. What’s up with that? None of my other girlfriends ever said that!

14 Jobs That May Ruin Your Chances Of Getting Laid 1. Sewer Maintenance Crew: You stink. 2 Animal-Sperm Collector: They call it “breeder,” but how do you explain jerking juice into a cup for a living? 3. Off-Shore Oil Rig Worker: You’re stranded in the ocean with a pack of dudes for long periods of time. 4. Stripper/Porn Star: When your job is sex, you don’t want to do it in your free time. 5. Zoo Keeper: You smell like eau de animal. 6. Divorce Lawyer: Need we say more? 7. Sumo Wrestler: You wear an adult diaper.

8. Hit Man: It’s hard to find someone who wants to be around you. 9. Psychiatrist: You can’t stop seeing the crazy in everyone. 10. IT Expert: Computer docs are on call 24/7. The internets has no respect for romance. 11. Mortician: You only meet dead people. 12. Gyno: I mean, how many vaginas can one man handle? 13. Secret Agent: Sexy in theory, but lonely and scary in real life. 14. Cosmetic Surgeon: Nobody’s perfect.

hmm... this could be a bit of a sticky wicky (get it?) in that your girlfriend is basically telling you that something you probably like a lot is making her sick. This could be her body saying ....’too much’....or it could be the sign of something a little more serious and her body is rejecting your advances. Here’s what to do: for four weeks, do everything that feels good except penetration. In other words, give the love shoot a rest and see if ...a) you can even muster the discipline and b) you can discover at least 15 new ways to climax without penetration. I have $20 riding on it that you can. And if you can’t do that, tell her to get up and pee after sex. Happy Healing-Nola Do you have a question for Nola? Email Nola at NolasNuggets@live.com and she’ll respond through this column.

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It’s Hard To Find a Good Donkey Show The Weekly Adventures Of OJ Tobias After being thrown out of the paintball park for drinking and firing only at the referees, I decided I needed to get back to work. That is, after I found out which cars belong to those stuck up referees and emptied my paintball gun. Sorry f**ks! I take a personal interest when I hire new entertainers. I have a rigorous interview process. I believe a lot of the pervs that read this column think I degrade women by making them get naked and give me a personal lap dance in the office and make them have drinks with me, and perhaps attempt to have sexual relations with them. Well, if you think that you’re wrong. I don’t just do that... I have a whole lot more stuff.   For instance, I have very important diet requirements for all new entertainers. I buy a 10 pack of Ballpark Franks and ask them if they enjoy hot dogs.   In fact, I remember when I hired Amy to dance at the club.   I pulled one of the weenies out of the package as she stared at me in the nude.   “You like weenies?” I said seductively.   “No, and why are you naked?” she asked.   “I feel more comfortable in the nude. Stick to the weenie at hand.” I started spinning the weenie in my hand. Chicks dig that. “Let me see you eat this weenie and I will put you to work.”   “All I got to do is eat the weenie? Then you will put your clothes back on and I can go to work?”   “Yep.” I offered her the weenie again.   “Fine.” She reached for the wiener. I pulled away.  

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“You have to let me feed it to you.” “F**k that, you f**king perv.” Amy started to laugh.   “Hey, don’t kill the mood.” I inched closer to her. “Come on... you might like it.”   She seemed somewhat shy as the hot dog got closer to her. She leaned forward and bit off the end of the hot dog before I could snatch it away.   “Alright, I ate the f**king hot dog. Now I am going to work.” She grabbed her dance gear as she chewed up the dog and head for the door.   “You naughty girl. You like my hot meat in your mouth. Nasty girl.” I cooed at my little wiener eater.   I guess she must have thought of something humorous because she began to giggle and started choking. I don’t know what’s wrong with women theses days. You have such a sexy encounter going and funny shit just pops in their head out of nowhere.   Fortunately for the choking Amy I knew exactly what to do. This is not the first time an interview has gone this way. I pulled out my emergency cartoon of milk and said, “Drink this.”   She drank some, spilling a little on her lip.   “You like my creamy goodness going down your throat, you bad girl. Lick that thick cream off your lip.”   That was when I found out that Amy was a cop. She didn’t arrest me, but she did mace me for the first time. She is as much of a tease as Colleen. www.myspace.com/ojtobias

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Summer Sin Masquerade Ball By: Ms. Misha MorĂŞ An eclectic evening of the beautifully bizarre and decadent eye candy. Dare Ware presented The Summer Sin Masquerade Ball 2009. The evening's top entertainment was CIRC X, a traveling performance troupe and production company based out of Miami, Florida. Directed by Diana Lozano. Each of their performances are dedicated to creating Unique, cutting edge interactive entertainment. Next up on the entertaiment roster was PERISH, one of the Industries Most successful Male Models & Performer. He works actively as an Architect, Prop & Fashion Designer as well as a Dancer and Musician. And Calla Doll is Houston's very own hottest burlesque performer, rhythmic dancer, belly dancer

and model. A part of the Dare Ware Family, she brings unique stage shows to her audience. To see MORE of My work, visit: http://users.adultspace.com/ MSMORE.

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Sex In the Newz Tarantino Threatens Sleeping Stars With The party’s convenor and likely future candidate Fiona Patten, a lobbyist for the adult retail and Sex Toy Shame Cast members caught napping on the set of Quentin Tarantino’s new movie Inglourious Basterds were humiliated by a large purple dildo.

The moviemaker introduced sex toy ‘Big Jerry’ on the first day of shooting and then posted pictures of sleeping stars like Brad Pitt and Diane Kruger, with the dildo, on a daily Board of Shame. Actor Michael Fassbender admits he was one of the only castmates not to make the board - because he found ways of sleeping in secret. He tells WENN, “Big Jerry was a giant purple dildo, very large in girth and length. Basically, anybody that was caught going to sleep would get photographed with Big Jerry the dildo somewhere near their face and put up on the Board of Shame. The idea was three strikes and you’re out. “This kind of really worried me because I have a tendency to nap. If I have 10 or 15 minutes you’d find me in a corner underneath something but I never got caught. “Brad (Pitt) was up there once on the Board of Shame, Gedeon Burkhard got caught twice, Diane (Kruger) was on the board... There was a lot of people on that board.”

Sexy Ice Cream

An ice cream which gets you in the mood for sex has been created in the UK. The Sex Pistol, dubbed ‘vice cream’, will be available from London store Selfridges when pop-up ice cream boutique The Icecreamists opens in September. The cold treat has ingredients including gingko, biloba, arginine and guarana as well as a shot of the intoxicating La Fee Absinthe. The ice cream will only be served to customers over 18 and each consumer is only allowed one in every visit. The Icecreamists’ founder, Matt O’Connor, says that it’s “the perfect apres shopping treat. Just one Sex Pistol will leave you feeling energized and confident - but please, don’t pester the staff!”

Australia’s Electoral Commission Approves Sex Party

The Australian Sex Party has been declared eligible to register as a political party and contest parliamentary elections despite controversy over its name, the Australian Electoral Commission announced on its website. ‘‘I am satisfied the Party is an eligible political party under s123 of the Electoral Act,’’ Deputy Electoral Commissioner Paul Dacey said in a statement. The party, which was launched in November 2008, advocates an easing of censorship of sexual material and seeks a say in how sex and gender laws are formulated in the country.

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entertainment industry, was quoted by the Australian Associated Press as saying Saturday that the approval was evidence the commission cares about free speech ‘‘and the democratic rights of various groups in the community.’’

Only The Best Looking Men Tempt Women Into Casual Sex Men are far more interested in casual sex than women. While men need to be exceptionally attractive to tempt women to consider casual sex, men are far less choosy. These findings by Dr Achim Schützwohl, from the Department of Psychology at Brunel University in the UK, and his team are published online in Springer’s journal Human Nature.

The research shows that men are more likely than women to report having had casual sex and they express a greater desire for it than do women. It is also thought that women but not men raise their standards of attractiveness for a casual sex partner. Dr Schützwohl and his colleagues looked at the influence of an imagined requestor’s physical attractiveness on men’s and women’s willingness to accept three distinct offers: go out, go to their apartment and go to bed with them. A total of 427 male and 433 female students from the US, Germany and Italy answered a questionnaire. They were asked to imagine being approached by a member of the opposite sex, described as either “slightly unattractive”, “moderately attractive” or “exceptionally attractive”. They then rated how likely they would be to accept each of the three offers. The authors found that the requestor’s looks affected men and women differently. Across all three levels of requestor attractiveness, men were more likely to go out, go to their apartment and go to bed with them than were women. German men were less likely to go out with the requestor and go to their apartment than American and Italian men. Italian men were more likely to go to bed with the requestor than were American men. German men were even less likely than American men to go to bed with the requestor. These differences highlight cultural differences in sexual morals and preferences. For each of the three offers, men were more likely to accept when the hypothetical woman was moderately or exceptionally attractive than when she was slightly unattractive, but whether she was moderately or exceptionally attractive made no difference. Women however placed more importance on the requestor’s good looks. They were more likely to accept the apartment and bed requests from an exceptionally attractive man than from either a moderately attractive or slightly unattractive man. The authors conclude: “While men are not entirely insensitive to their requestor’s attractiveness, women have higher standards and are more likely to engage in casual sex with an exceptionally attractive man than with a less attractive man.”

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News, Rumors and Gossip Gay Leaders Among 16 To Receive Highest Civilian Award

In a ceremony this afternoon, President Barack Obama will award the Presidential Medal of Freedom to 16 accomplished Americans, including 2 gay icons. Harvey Milk and Billy Jean King will be among the honored at a White House ceremony. Milk is the first openly gay elected official from a major U.S. City. He was elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors in 1977 on a pledge to back gay and lesbian rights. Milk was killed by Dan White, a former supervisor the following year.

Nationwide Gay Kiss-In Protests Multiple Incidents

Multiple incidents around the country sparked Saturday’s nationwide gay kiss-in, according to its organizers. In San Diego, for instance, men and women puckered up to protest the passing of Proposition 8, California’s gay marriage ban narrowly approved by voters in November.

King has championed “gender equality issues not only in sports, but in all areas of public life,” the White House said.

But kisses were being traded in Salt Lake City to protest the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints’ (the Mormons) June detainment of two men after the pair kissed on church property. Others cited the July police ejection of five men from a Mexican fast-food restaurant in El Paso, Texas because two of the men shared a kiss.

Judge: “Gay” Not a Dirty Word

San Diego protesters gathered in front of the Manchester Grand Hyatt. The hotel is being boycotted by gay rights groups because owner Doug Manchester donated $125,000 in support of Proposition 8 while it was being gestated by anti-gay groups. Manchester is often credited for creating momentum for the measure when its future looked dim.

Howard K. Stern, the former boyfriend and attorney for the star, is suing journalist Rita Cosby and the Hachette Book Group over the best-selling book Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith’s Death. The 39-year-old Smith died of a prescription drug overdose in 2007.

About 60 couples attended the kiss-in, smooching between American flags and boycott signs.

The boyfriend of deceased actress and model Anna Nicole Smith is barred from including an author’s claims that he had gay sex in his defamation lawsuit against her because being viewed as gay is not “contemptible and disgraceful,” a federal judge ruled on Wednesday in New York, reports Reuters.

Stern charged that the book contained 19 libelous statements, including the author’s claims that he had oral sex at a party in Los Angeles with Larry Birkhead, the father of Smith’s child, and that Smith later called Stern gay. U.S. district judge Denny Chin ruled that the case could proceed on 11 of the statements, not including the claims about homosexuality. The judge said that statements implying homosexuality were not defamatory, although he acknowledged that gay people still face prejudice, reports Reuters. MAGAZINE

365gay News was one of the first offerings by the nascent Logo channel, which premiered in June 2005. The show initially presented news items throughout the channel’s broadcast day, but starting in 2007 the show acquired a permanent slot on the network’s weekly schedule. The half-hour show was produced in partnership with CBS News. But that relationship unbuttoned when Viacom, which owned both CBS and MTV, owner of Logo, spun off CBS.

Also being honored is tennis great Billy Jean King, who publicly announced she was a lesbian in 1981, becoming the first openly lesbian major sports figure in America.

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Logo Cancels Gay-Themed Newscast

Gay cabler Logo has canceled its gay-themed newscast, 365gay News Powered by CBS News.

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Protesters in Salt Lake City were puckering up for the third time this summer. Tempers flared during a kiss-in last month when anti-gay protesters clashed with pro-gay kissers. But demonstrators on Saturday pulled off their public displays of affection without disruption. Some warmly kissed their children. As home of the Mormon Church, Salt Lake City remains at the epicenter of the gay kiss movement. Mormons donated millions of dollars and thousands of hours – at the behest of church officials – towards passage of Proposition 8. In June, Matt Aune, 28, and his partner Derek Jones, 25, were cuffed and detained by church security guards for kissing on the Main Street Plaza, private property owned by the church. Police cited the pair for trespassing, but the city later dismissed the charges, saying the church failed to properly notify the public. Protesters locked lips in other cities as well, including Atlanta, Washington D.C. and Toronto.

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Cartoon Network Bomb Scare - To promote the Aqua Teen Hunger Force animated film, Cartoon Network hired ad reps Sean Stevens and Peter Berdovsky. The 2 men decided to hang electronic LED displays in several cities, each boasting a "Lite-Brite" depiction of one of the film's characters. Citizens of Boston mistook the devices as explosives which caused the city to shut down major roads and bridges. Matters weren't helped any when — during a post-arrest press conference — the 2 men opted to discuss wacky 70s haircuts instead of the controversy. McDonald's Tainted MP3 Players - In Japan — where even virtual pets have their own MP3 players — McDonald's ran a contest in which customers were eligible to win their very own MP3 device. After roughly 10,000 gadgets were handed out, customers discovered that each came bundled with 10 free songs and its very own QQPass trojan malware, capable of communicating user logins and passwords. A software patch was dispersed and a recall was instituted — thereby ending McDonald's worst campaign since the Arch Deluxe. SanDisk Attempts to Be Hipper Than Apple - With the release of its iPod line, Apple performed a rare feat in the corporate world: The company became hip. In May 2006 — facing Apple's overwhelmingly dominant market presence — SanDisk launched the "iDont" campaign, which portrayed iPod users as mindless sheep, donkeys, and chimps. Besides the fact that the ads nowhere referenced the company's own Sansa MP3 line, SanDisk failed to realize that customers are rarely won over by insults.

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10 Promotional Stunts That Horribly Backfired

Though it continues to live in the iPod's shadow, it still outsells Microsoft's Zune. Naturally.

Icy Response to Snapple - With the Snapple Lady on permanent hiatus, Snapple strove for the quirky gold medal once again with an attempt to overtake the Guinness World Record for the largest ice pop — made with the company's tasty kiwi-strawberry drink. The problem: The stunt took place mid-June. Immediately upon unloading, the melted juice poured from the truck, creating a syrupy tidal wave down Union Square and a massive headache for cleanup crews. The worst part — aside from the few minor injuries: The 25-foot-tall ice pop needed to be free-standing to be declared a record. LifeLock CEO Tempts Fate - The personal fraud protection company LifeLock guarantees the security of your identity under their employ. So much so that, in a nationwide ad, CEO Todd Davis posts his personal social security number on the side of a van — daring identity thieves to give it a shot. Turns out, they did. No fewer than 25 motivated thieves stole Davis' social security number — with one successfully receiving a $500 loan. LifeLock maintains its diligence, claiming that for a nationwide ad, only one case of stolen identity isn't too bad. It doesn't advise posting your mom's maiden name on your car, however. Sony's Sacrifice to God - When a company is said to emerge from a scandal "red-faced," rarely is it due to the errant splatter from a goat's decapitated head. Celebrating the PlayStation 2 release of the game God of War II, Sony threw a gala event in Athens,

Greece.

In honor of the barbaric revelry found in the game, a goat carcass was brought in and attendees were invited to feast on fake entrails. Those who weren't privy to the unusual event were treated to a graphic photo of the centerpiece in the official Sony magazine. The company recalled the issues but garnered some pretty bad press in return. General Motors Inspires Amateur Filmmaking - Three years before declaring Chapter 11, General Motors influenced a new wave of modern film auteurs. Tapping into that YouTube craze the young kids had been talking about, GM launched a website allowing users to create their own commercial about the Chevy Tahoe SUV and upload it for public view. Apparently, GM hadn't realized that it bore an already unfavorable connotation, and the contest gave way to short films about global warming, the war in Iraq, or negative attacks against the auto's quality. Worse yet, almost a month went by before GM caught on. KFC and Pepsi Underestimate Fan Frenzy - The allure of the free giveaway is usually proportional to the popularity of the product. So who wasn't expecting a slew of people clamoring for free KFC or Pepsisponsored Yankees tickets? Surprisingly, KFC and Pepsi. After Oprah announced a KFC giveaway on her much-watched program, the food chain couldn't keep up with the lines of customers — which led to sit-ins and riots. And when Pepsi didn't deliver the full amount of promised tickets to Yankee fans, crowds quietly understood and politely left. Just kidding. A riot ensured

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and Pepsi was poured into the streets in protest. Thwarted Zombie Invasion Credited to Dr. Pepper - It's hard to dislike a treasure hunt, unless the X lies somewhere atop a historical landmark. An international campaign from Dr. Pepper's then-owner Cadbury Schweppes hid coins within 23 American cities to promote the soft drink's "23 flavors." But the agency in charge of Boston's location selected the Granary Burying Ground — current home to John Hancock, Paul Revere and Samuel Adams. Before a flood of shovels swept through the cherished site, Cadbury Schweppes ended the contest, but the contest forced owners to shutter the graveyard to prevent a zombie outbreak. Dos Equis Angers Interesting Men - This giant corporate goodwill effort was the latest extension of the beer company's "Most Interesting Man" ad campaign featuring DJ Z-Trip. Attendees, who were promised a shuttle service that made the 100-mile round trip to and from Waterloo Park, were expecting a veritable cornucopia of rocking activities, such as "karate black belt demonstrations, participatory drum circles, an exotic reptile collection, sleight of hand tricks, international mohawk coiffeurists, bungee lessons, aqua slides, culinary entomologists, medieval weaponry, and a world-class car collection." Most of the Dos Equis faithful ended up thoroughly screwed, however, since too many tickets were given out for too few spots, shuttles never turned up, and many were forced to loiter in the parking lot outside. At the end of the evening, the 800 lucky people who got in had a rollicking time — but they were largely drowned out by the seething gang of thousands who were turned away.

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METRO ANE 08.19.2009