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METRO ANE

MAGAZINE

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

www.METROANE.com

Page 2


METRO ANE

MAGAZINE

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

www.METROANE.com

Page 3


Editor In Distress

Well it’s been a rough month or two for most of us here at the office due to deaths. Two of our writers this week wrote about the death of Jason Jackson of The Lodge and my co-worker Colleen lost a good friend this week. I’m not sure if she’ll mention it in her column, because I’m writing this before she gets in for work. I really don’t want to talk about death again. I already did that last week. The best way to remember people we care for is to enjoy what life we have left. Here’s some ways to enjoy your weekend. This Wednesday, May 13 Spearmint Rhino is having another Customer Appreciation Party from 4-9pm. There will be a free buffett and $1 domestics and wells, which lives you with plenty of money to spend on the ladies.

Dragna and Charlie Mancini are at July Alley on Friday night. And Dragna are also at Reno’s Chop Shop with The Von Ehrics, Bastardos De Sancho and The Phuss that same nite... good things JA and Reno’s back doors are across the alley from each other!

If you’re a fan of talk radio you might want to check out Richard Hunter’s live show on Friday at The Men’s Club from 4-6pm. It’s hosted outside by the pool. I’ve been itching to go and I’m aiming for this week. Saturday, May 16 I’m planning to to hit the Hot Rods and Heels show in Deep Ellum. It’s almost sold out, so go get a ticket. Show and ticket information avaiable on page 10. Past cover models Angela Ryan, LaDivina and Zamra will be performing. I’m looking forward to seeing Athena Fatale (www.athenafatale. com) perform. I’ve seen her around a few times and I love her pin up and fetish pictures. If you’re going to be in the El Paso area this week you’ll want to visit The Red Parrot club. They are hosting the Pure Talent Feature Showcase from May 14-16 hosted by Monica Mayhem. Some of the Metro Ane Magazine scheduled performers are Jada Deville, Suzi Ma2462 Walnut Ridge St. lone, Teri Wilson, Daisy Duxe, Ginger Lee, Nadia Nitro and lots more. Go to www.pure-talent.com Dallas, TX 75229 Phone: 214-638-6397 Fax: 214-638-2232 for more information.

www.metroane.com Publisher: Ali Stout ali@anemagazine.com

Production Manager: Russell Craig sales@anemagazine.com Editor: Gil Russell gil@anemagazine.com Inside Sales: Sheila Blue sheila@anemagazine.com Outside Sales: Colleen Morgan colleen@anemagazine.com Contributors: Richard Hunter, Gil Russell, Colleen Morgan, Pat “Two Dogs” Snow, G-Sus, Scotty Mankoff, OJ Tobias, Mike Wilshin, Jayson Champion, Chapel Waste, Misha Morê, Richard Harmon and Blake Contributing Photographers: Mike Wilshin Questions or comments about the magazine can be sent to editor@anemagazine.com. Questions about advertisemet may be directed to sales@anemagazine. com.

I gotta move soon, so I probably won’t be so thrilling the rest of the month. -Gil Tha Thrill gil@anemagazine.com (Picture of Athena Fatale and I by Scotty Mankoff)

Masturbate-A-Thon Full Of Winners

The 9th Annual Masturbate-a-Thon took place in San Francisco last weekend, and the competition was stiff! The event, sponsored by the Center for Sex & Culture, was founded in honor of surgeon general Jocelyn Elders who was fired after she suggested teens be taught masturbation as a means towards safe sex. Now, her work lives on in the form of an annual contest. This year’s winners packed some serious heat. A new US record was set by Mr. Flint Greasewood. His swimmers went the distance, shooting a whopping five feet. Two world records were set, as well. The Lusty Lady Theater beat the Women’s Tag Team, and Mr. Masanobu Sato broke his own masturbation world record at nine hours and 58 minutes. I know ladies don’t want a no minute man, but 10 hours?

Kim Pendleton and Chris Bonner of THe BAcksliders

THe BAcksliders have a new CD called Thank You. If you go to their showcase at House of Blues this Saturday night, they’ll give you one for free. Yeah, I said it... free. Also on the bill are Somebody’s Darling, The Escort Service (last show), The Mondo Poncho and Austin Brown Sounds.

This is Tyson Turk. He just broke his own Guiness World Book Record for most body piercings at his new shop in Arlington. I believe the guy he’s piercing is his friend Jeremy Stroud. Love hurts. Over 1,100 times. Tyson Turk Tattoo Studio 1506 New York Ave, Arlington,Tx 76010. 817-6553318.

METRO ANE

MAGAZINE

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

www.METROANE.com

Page 4


Pawn Rooked by Knight So last Thursday was my interview for my boss' job. I made a point of telling the GM 9-ish so that I might have some wiggle room in case traffic was a bear. This, of course, would guarantee that I would arrive at least a half hour early so that I could stand around awkwardly in a suit, at an office I don't work out of, in front of everybody who would know why I was therethus, priming the gossip mechanism in our great corporate machine. Luckily, I ran into a former manager from several years back and we chatted it up to while away the time. It was mostly a complaint session whereby I heard some of the stuff that goes on at the managerial level that I was happily oblivious to up until that point. He wished me luck and said that I definitely had the experience and know common sense to do the job and off I went to the shark tank. I poked my head in the door and politely knocked on the door as the big boss was methodically annotating some reports that were stacked neatly on his frighteningly organized desk. He looked up and smiled as if to be glad to be given a moment's respite against the monotony. He invited me to sit on the couch and began by going over some work history. When did you start here, when were you promoted, why did you leave this job, why did you leave that job and under what circumstances? It started to feel a bit adversarial. As if he were a master swordsman looking for a chink in an upstart page's armor. I began to pray to the job interview Gods of wisdom and intelligence that I might make at the very least, a valiant attempt to at least match the good knight's thrusts with serviceable parries so that I might survive. And I think I was giving good answers. I've never really had anything in my work history that could be considered flaky. I made a point of being honest no matter what the consequence. If I did not know the answer, I say so. I was not going to BS this guy in any way shape or form because that would do neither of us any good at all. So it's at this point he starts asking me management scenario questions. "Let's say, you have a rock solid sales promotion that the team buys into and it doesn't get sold." "What Do you do?" I rub my chin sagely and say, "If it's the team an they're not selling, I deal with them appropriately for slacking." A hard stare. This was apparently not the correct answer. Where are my helper Gods of Wisdom and Intelligence? "How 'bout this one?' I hastily say. " I readjust my tack to better fit the sales skills of the individual." Nothing. Wonder of wonders-I think I see my Gods materializing over his shoulder! Two great countenances loom over the boss to give me wisdom and intelligence. The surly page is saved! Or maybe not. One god, Intelligence, is drooling and all twitchy. He's wearing Aquaman Underoos and is wearing the football helmet head gear of the severely retarded. The other god, Wisdom looks to be about one hundred years old and proceeds to unfold a table and set up chess pieces and a speed timer. He sneers at me, winks at the retarded god and hawks up a lung cookie. I realize I may be in a spot of trouble. I press onward. "Well, is it that the people just aren't buying what we're selling?' Boss man just spreads his hands and shrugs as if to say, "you tell ME." I look over his shoulder to see if

METRO ANE

MAGAZINE

Richard Hunter hosts his talk radio show 4-6pm weekdays on 1360 AM Dallas.

Intelligence has anything for me. He crooks his head onto his shoulder and starts dancing with a nonexistent partner while humming the melody to this old man (he played one). Wisdom hears this and makes a rude gesture with a gnarled fist. Seconds tick by and unfold into an uncomfortable silence. This is the point where I think I lost our good knight's confidence. More questions with no help from dumb and dumber. And then he asks why I want this job. I say, " I don't want some schmuck who doesn't have a clue, coming in here and ruining everything." There is a loud crash as helmet boy crashes head long in to old man's chess board and they go down in a tumble of limbs and drool. My boss looks at me incredulously and says, "so you don't want the job-you're just afraid some one is going to be a colossal screw up." "Exactly." His brow knits with concern and he tells me that this is some how a dig on him. I smell human waste as the old man Wisdom cackles and loses control. Now I'm trying to smooth over the ruffled feathers of my boss and I'm worried about keeping the job I have much less moving up. After much explaining of my intentions and some horror story examples of previous managers he seems assuaged. We discuss various other aspects of the job and company while my two guardian angels continue to wrestle on the floor in front of us. All I can think of is getting out of there. If I get the gig I'm looking at longer hours, more drive time, triple the stress barely any more money and added responsibility for things I may not be able to control. At this point the boss says he's basically looking for HIS replacementsomeone looking to move beyond even the position I was applying for now. " I'm looking for someone that I can learn from." Mr. Speaks-before-he-thinks (that's me) says, "Hell, I can't teach you jack." "I'm no climber, I just want to be the best I can until there's nothing left to do." My fate was sealed at that point. We talked some more about everything and nothing. At some point he said that I wasn't right for the position and I agreed. Wisdom and Intelligence stopped rolling around and began to clean up their mess there were chess pieces every where. I didn't get the gig and I felt great. It was as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could now relax assured in the knowledge that I would not have to bear the burdens of my entire department. The boss and I shook hands and I took off for the wilds of my Dallas territory. And Wisdom and Intelligence I'm sure shook hands patted each other on the back in a job well done and headed back to wherever it was they came from. My Guess is Washington DC. http://old-man-mike.xanga.com

For both of my regular readers, I would like to preface by saying that I doubt there will be anything witty or lighthearted here this week. So, pretty much like every other week. Actually, the subject matter is a bit heavy, but it’s been on my mind and you’re the only one that listens to me, so I’ve decided to share it here. A few weeks ago I a friend of mine passed away very unexpectedly. I didn’t know him that well, but I would periodically have occasion to see him. I always remembered my conversations with him, however brief, and when I heard the terrible news about his passing, the memorable nature of that casual conversation was my first thought. I have always spent a lot of time wondering about my own demise and how I will be remembered, and it suddenly occurred to me that being memorable to those who don’t know you that well and only occasionally encounter you is a pretty favorable impression to leave. He was in the prime of his life, to use a cliché, and part of what makes me agnostic is that too often, the exact opposite happens. So often people break down, shrivel up and wither away. I’ve always thought that a better design of a human being would be one that stops half way around the full circle. That way, when someone dies, everyone would say “I just saw him yesterday, and he never looked better”. Right. Go out on top. Instead, our reward for longevity is a fear that our ungrateful kids will put us in the cheap-

est nursing home that they can google. I like the fact that if you’re Jimi Hendrix, or Buddy Holly, you never sucked. Somewhere along the way, we humans tend to mate. As it goes, it certainly helps if you can pair up with someone that you can still stand being around at a later point. My friend and I had that in common. I remember a specific conversation I had with him about how we both managed to find significant others that we never seemed to get enough time with. That’s a good way to be. If you don’t have that, be on the lookout for it. The last conversation that I had with him pertained to whether or not Anderson Silva deserved any blame for the lackluster nature of his recent UFC title defense over Thales Leites. Silva would be happy to know that my friend absolved him. I will pass that along to him, should I ever encounter Silva, and as long as I can learn Portuguese in the meantime. If it moves you, go out and make yourself memorable. I’m working on that very thing as well. Log on to richardhuntershow.com

Spearmint Rhino - Customer Appreciation Party this Wednesday, May 13 from 4-9pm. $1 domestics and wells and free buffett. 10965 Composite Dr., Dallas. Showtime Cabaret - Bring in any sport ticket stub and get for free. 1298 West Mansfield Hwy, Kennedale, TX Ricks Cabaret - Come check out Chef Ryan’s new summertime menu. Free entry with Mavs and Rangers ticket stubs. See back ad for address and free cover coupon. The Men’s Club - Crawfish Fridays with host Richard Hunter broadcasting his show live.$8 all you can eat crawfish from 5-7pm. $2.75 domestics and wells. 2344 W. Northwest Hwy, Dallas Baby Dolls - Classic Car Show Saturday, May 23 Call 214-358-5511 for more info The Fare Room - If you’re a fan of their late night weekend breakfast buffet than you’ll be happy to know that Leggs ‘N Eggs is now every night from 2-6am. 10723 Composite Dr., Dallas Jaguars Dallas - 3rd Year Anniversary week from Wednesday, May 13 to Saturday, May 16. Ms. Erotica ‘08 performs Wednesday night, pillow fight on Thursday, diamond give away on Friday and win a Vegas vacation on Saturday. 2151 Manana, Dallas. The Clubhouse - $10 dollar Sundays are back. $10 to get in and $10 dances. 2250 Manana, Dallas. Cabaret Royale - Patriotic Party Tuesday, May 26 from 5-9pm. $1 beer and weels and free VIP buffet. 10723 Composite Dr., Dallas.

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Live Shows and Events Double-Wide (myspace.com/thedoublewidebar) Fri. 05/15: Sweatloaf (Butthole Surfers Tribute), Grady (Austin), Orthodox Fuzz Sat. 05/16: El Ten Eleven (LA), Hoyotoho O’RILEY’S (www.myspace.com/orileys2003) Fri. 05/15: Twenty Three Fifty Nine, A Modern Relic, Be Be LeStrange (Heart Tribute Band), Who are You (Who Tribute Band) Sat. 05/16: 2-4pm School of Rock, 8pm Horny Frog, Glenn Young Experiment, Fourty Weight, Seven Strings, Can a Bus Dream Sun. 05/17: 2-4pm School of Rock Reno’s Chop Shop (myspace.com/renoschopshop) Every Wednesday: DJ Virus Spins the 80’s Every Thursday: Jerry Rutherford Spins Rock Fri. 05/15: The Von Ehrics, Bastardos De Sancho, Dragna, The Phuss Sat. 05/16: Modern Rock Music Festival

The Iceberg, Eversor, Zach Balch Band, Bear Witness plus more. Starts at 4pm The Liquid Lounge (In Th Curtain Club) Fri. 05/15: Splatta Fish, Sintonic, Favor The Fallen, Hope Is Going Home LAKEWOOD BAR AND GRILL (www.lbgdallas.com) Wed. 05/13: Jokersdeck (Alternative / Powerpop / Rock), Waiting For One, Taz Bentley, Emmeline Miles Thu. 05/14: Le Cure, Merrol Ray Fri. 05/15: Ray Johnston Band, Blake Martin, Zapruder Sequence Sat. 05/16: Patrice Pike, Benzley, Cully Woods and Mourning The Imaginary Sun. 05/17: Sunday Afternoon Jazz

Lola’s Saloon (myspace.com/lolasfortworth) Thu. 05/14: Sloan Automatic Fri. 05/15: Great American Novel, Automorrow, Get Well

THE PEARL (www.pearlatcommerce.com) Wed. 05/13: Rick Yost and The Sofakings Fri. 05/15: Lucky Peterson Sat. 05/16: Mike Morgan, Lee McBee, Anson Funderburgh Mon. 05/18: Miss Marcy and her Texas Sugar Daddies Tue. 05/19: The Rebel Alliance Jazz Ensemble

SONS OF HERMANN HALL (www.sonsofhermann.com) Tue. : Blues ‘n��� the Night Wed.: Swing Dance Thu.: Electric Campfire Acoustic Jam

JULY ALLEY (www.myspace.com/julyalleykats) Fri. 05/15: Charlie Mancini, Dragna Sat. 05/16: The Lash Outs, The Bent Gents, The Wrong Ones

SKILLMAN STREET BAR (www.myspace.com/skillmanstreetbar) Fri. 05/15: Scylla, Legions Will Fall, Apollo Strikes Again, Pit Sat. 05/16: Swan Song (Zeppelin Trib), Stone Age, Ashmore

MUDDY WATERS (myspace.com/muddywatersongreenville) Fri. 05/15: Grand opening party with The Lonesome Losers Sat. 05/16: Flashback

Poor David’s Pub (www.poordavidspub.com) Fri. 05/15: Hayes Carll Sat. 05/16: Grayson County Line, Whickey Roadshow The Curtain Club (www.curtainclub.com) Fri. 05/15: Rivethead, Crashsight, Faint The Fiction, Powderburn, Deaf Angel Sat. 05/16: Hard Way Down, Serosia, Calling All War, Curbcheck Sun. 05/17: Enormicon, Swamp Birth, Beneath

CLUB DADA (www.clubdada.com) Wed. 05/13: Clint Niosi, Johnny Lloyd Rollins, Chris Holt Thu. 05/14: Les Amercains, Heart,Eyes,Open (Eric formerly of Hi-Fi Drowning) The Push Fri. 05/15: Psycho Pony a tribute to Neil Young Sat. 05/16: Anothony Fest THE GOAT (7248 Gaston Ave., Dallas 214-327-8119) Fr. 05/15: Jackie Don Loe Sat. 05/16: Kenny Barker Band Tue. 05/19: Rock Blues Band

What’s Going On In The Muzic World? Muddy Waters Grand Opening Party Earlier this week, Apple rejected the Friday, May 15 Muddy Waters is having the grand opening party this Friday, May 15 for it’s new location. Local country act The Lonesome Loser will be playing. The venue will also be shooting a commercial to be shown on ESPN. There will be $3 wells and $2 drafts all night. www.myspace.com/muddywatersongreenville

update, saying it was in violation of a policy that bans “obscene, pornographic, offensive or defamatory content or materials of any kind,” as previously reported.

Janes’ Addiction Singer Hurts Leg At Reznor responded Atlanta Show with a rant on his Janes’ Addiction lead singer Perry Farrell is recovering from a torn calf muscle he suffered on stage at a concert in Atlanta. The creator of the Lollapalooza music festival hurt himself during the first song Sunday night at Lakewood Amphitheatre but was able to finish the show. According to a statement from the band’s publicist, he was taken by ambulance to Atlanta Medical Center after the show. Doctors told him to stay off the leg for several days, but Farrell says he still plans to perform. The influential alternative band, best known for its 1990 album “Ritual de lo Habitual,” broke up a year later but reunited with its original lineup last year and is touring with Nine Inch Nails.

Jury Clears Rapper Snoop Dogg Of Man’s Beating A civil jury says Snoop Dogg didn’t hit a man who came up on stage during a 2005 concert near Seattle.

The rapper wasn’t in court Friday when the jury’s verdict cleared him of civil assault and battery claims. The jury did find that Richard Monroe Jr. suffered serious injuries during the concert and awarded him $449,400 in damages to be paid by a record label, another performer and others involved in the concert. The damages awarded were substantially lower than the $22 million Monroe sought when he sued the rapper in 2006. Jurors found that Snoop Dogg, whose real name is Calvin Broadus, doesn’t personally owe Monroe anything. During two weeks of testimony, jurors were repeatedly shown a video of a melee that Monroe said left him unconscious, badly bruised and nearly naked.

Apple Approves Nine Inch Nails iPhone Application

Nine Inch Nails’ frontman Trent Reznor announced yesterday (May 7) that Apple has approved an update of the Nine Inch Nails iPhone application.

website lambasting the makers of the popular personal device. However, in a Twitter posting yesterday, Reznor said the company has resolved its issues with the application. He wrote: “The NIN iPhone app is unchanged, the ‘issues’ seem to have been resolved.” Meanwhile, Nine Inch Nails are about to embark on a co-headlining tour of North America with Jane’s Addiction.

Amy Winehouse Cuts Horrendous St. Lucia Gig Short

Amy Winehouse’s Carribbean “comeback gig” was her worst gig ever. Winehouse performed at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival last Friday, but left the stage abruptly when she was roundly booed. Apparently, her performance was just awful. Reports say she couldn’t remember her lyrics--a common complaint at the “Rehab” singer’s gigs. Audience members also said she stumbled around, appearing to be drunk or under the influence of drugs. An official spokesman for the singer said: “Amy would like to express her disappointment that weather forced the abandonment of her show at the St Lucia Jazz Festival on Friday night. Amy and the band tried to soldier on but the set had to be cut short.” As anyone present would tell you, though, the downpour might have been part of the problem-but Amy was the rest of it. When it started to rain, Amy became distracted, lost her balance, and forgot her lyrics. The audience heckled her, and she blew up, even screaming, “F*** you!” at fans who couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Amy’s spokesman continued: “Amy is very disappointed, as St. Lucia has been wonderful to her and its people have welcomed her with open arms, but circumstances beyond anyone’s control meant that this special show did not go as planned.”

New Movies Opening Up This Week

Angels & Demons - Tom Hanks returns as symbologist Robert Langdom, this time on the trail of an ancient secret brotherhood known as the Illuminati.

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MAGAZINE

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

www.METROANE.com

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CRAZYPICTUREGUY. C OM Words and Photos by Scotty Mankoff "The Last Picture Ever Taken" A person who was very kind to me passed away recently.  I took the last picture ever of Jason Jackson on the night he passed away suddenly and unexpectedly at age 38.  He was loved and respected by many.  His funeral was so packed that I helped set up folding chairs in the back. They ran out of chairs and those that couldn't be seated stood during the ceremony. 

because they were both so happy and smiling together-- a great photo of them on the very last day he lived.  I felt saddened that he was gone at age 38 and knowing it was the last picture ever taken of him. It kind of messed me up because the truth is I didn't know Sally and he were together for 12 years until someone said it during the funeral. They worked together so they kept it secret. I wish I had known as I would've taken more pictures of them together. 

The ceremony was beautiful, the music was touching and there were many framed photos in the room.  Those who spoke of his life said kind words, added some humor for levity and really made it a ceremony to be proud of.  Prayers were spoken.  A photo slide show was played upon a big screen showing photos from his childhood until the last picture ever taken.  Everyone in the audience rode upon this roller coaster of emotions, brought back by seeing these photos, as some were those kind of clowning around photos that purposefully make you laugh, and others were touching to the heart that literally brought many to tears.

I personally feel very deeply saddened for Sally.  Not one person can understand another's pain, yet I can perhaps understand more than most.  My wife Jessica passed away at the young age of 31.  I treasure every single picture I have of her.   There is so much more I could say, but I will leave it at that.  Losing someone at a young age, and any age, is very difficult and changes your life forever.  I started taking pictures to document these times we all share because I didn't have enough pictures of Jessica after she was gone.  I wanted to take more pictures for other people so that in case anything like what happened to me, happened to someone else, they would have more pictures to treasure forever, that they otherwise wouldn't have had if it wasn't for me. 

Everyone cried when they played “Bridge Over Troubled Water” at the funeral service. That is a very sad song.  Two of my pictures were in the slide show, as I took was the one who took his photos just three hours or so before he passed away.  One of the photos was of him from Halloween when he wore a thick, heavy black and red satin cape as he devilishly smiled and looked cool like a James Dean Dracula. Everyone laughed at that photo, which was good. Right after that was my photo of him and the love of his life, Sally, the girl he loved for 12 years.  The entire audience then moaned and sighed in sadness. It was like a one breath roller coaster of emotions in a room of about 250-300 people. There were so many other great pictures too that made everyone laugh and sigh. His urn sat in the center of the room with other photos in frames, candles all around.  The photo I took of Jason and the love of his life, Sally, was a framed 8x10 and greeted guests upon arrival in the hall outside the door by the guest sign-in book. I had mixed feelings. I felt glad that I was there to take the photo

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Now that the reason I started taking pictures again in 2007 has actually happened, I feel that I have completed my mission.  My journey back into the world as a photographer has come full circle.  I have completed the task that was put before me.  I was named Crazy Picture Guy because I was going everywhere taking tons of pictures.  Those days have now come to and end.  This chapter in the book of my life is now complete.  I will continue being a photographer and I will continue to take pictures once in a while when requested on a very limited basis.  I am sad that it was the last picture ever taken of them together. I am honored I was able to capture these happy moments and memories of Jason and Sally in pictures for Sally and all his friends.  I know he is resting in peace knowing that you will be able to see them smiling together forever.  -  Scott Mankoff scottmankoff@gmail.com

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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METRO ANE SPORTS We been doin’ some mighty fine barkin’ out there, what with all the goin’s on in the sports world, but I think it’s nigh time we did a little bayin’ at the moon. You ever been out there in the wild? I mean way out there, like deep into the mountains or far out in the desert out there? So far out there that there’s no noise, ‘cept the natural sounds belonging to the critters around you? And with the air so clear you can see all the stars in the night sky so bright the inside of your mind begins to glow? You can take a breath so deep it fills your entire body. And you get that big moon, not that golden harvest but that big shiny moon that wants to light up the whole earth around you. A moon that’s not hangin’ in the sky, but the beacon for the Universe, just calling all eyes to get lost lookin’ at it. That kinda night, with that kinda moon, it causes some strange things to happen. And if you’re way out there on a night like that, every once in a while you can see one of those wolves or coyotes sittin’ up on some old ledge, head all reared back, and just bayin’ away from deep in its lungs for all it’s worth. You know that sound, too, don’t ya. Yeah, it comes from that same place deep down inside us that makes a man get out and chase things. That challenge, that excitement, that thrill. That competition. You know what I’m talkin’ about, don’t ya. That’s the kinda sports we been a getting’ lately. The kind that has us all drawn in and sittin’ back on our haunches just a bayin’ at the moon. Why don’t we just start with a guy who’s decided

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to take on the entire bowling world, choose to be different, ignore all the mocking and laughter, and then knock their attitudes back into their laps by winning. Winning big time. Jason Belmonte is a two handed bowler. You read that right, he uses two hands. Primary is his right hand, puts two fingers in normal holes, but doesn’t use the thumb hole. He places his left hand on front of the ball, then both hands bring the ball back, then as going forward, left hand is released. Sounds a tad awkward, don’t it? Maybe. But this Australian born bowler is only 24 years old and he’s already bowled “39” perfect games. While you’re sputtering in your coffee, I can assure you that weren’t a misprint. Just to remind those of what a task that is, a perfect game is all strikes. Ten thrown strikes, for a 300 score. For those who haven’t tossed a ball down a polished lane, that’s using a ball to knock down ten pins from a little over 62’ away (62’ 10 3/4”). You get two tries, and if you knock them all down with the first roll, that’s a strike. If you think that sounds easy, just how accurate do you think YOU’D be? What about doing that several times? How about ten times in a row?

drum roll please, it looks childish. That’s right, it looks like the way a child throws the ball. Now, that’s how he learned, like most kids, he used two hands, but he just perfected it and kept using it. So what’s wrong here? People get so caught up with style, how something looks the way they’ve been told it’s supposed to look, or how they think it should look, and they can’t get past any difference. So if he’s rolled 39 perfect games, how many has the normal bowler tossed? Now, it doesn’t matter if he revolutionizes the game, all’s he has to do is revolutionize his own game. From my book, I don’t care if he’s using two hands. I don’t care if he shakes like a bowl full of jelly as he bowls. I don’t care if he stands backward to the pins and tosses it between his legs. This kid has dared to be different and found a better way. That’s bayin’ at the big moon. Is there any precedent for this? Nah, you say, not in sports. You’re wrong. This has happened before, and with one of America’s greatest sports heroes, and with one of America’s greatest games.

Yessir, what this young man’s doing is nothing short of amazing. What he’s going through from taking a generalized public mocking is nothing short of amazing and stupid, and all because he throws the ball differently from others.

Ty Cobb. I know a bunch of ya’ll know that name. Back in the day when American baseball ruled the sports world, Ty Cobb was the biggest name of them all. Cobb has the best batting average ever.

There’s no rule in bowling against using both hands, so it’s not like he’s breaking any league policy. No, he’s just found a way to be significantly more proficient and successful and folks are still mocking him for it.

So what did he do that was different from the others?

Why? For the simple reason it’s different and,

He used a split fist grip on the bat. That’s right, his fists weren’t touching they were about a fists distance apart. His left fist was gripped down at the base of the bat, then there was about a fists

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

distance, then his right fist gripped the bat. With this style that was all his own, he set the highest batting average ever. Question really becomes, since most out there aren’t creative they copy somebody else’s success, why haven’t both Cobb’s grip and Belmonte’s two hands become more common place instead of being discarded? Myself, I think there’s something seemingly more powerful out there than game success and that’s not wanting to appear to be different, especially if it appears if an adult is doing something the way a child might. Take the NBA. Why don’t more people use the two handed grip from the free throw line? It’s not that it isn’t successful. How about, when most fans see it they automatically say to themselves, hey, that guy tosses it like a kid. Well, just the other day I was walking past a neighbor’s house where I saw a high school guy and his gal out shooting some hoops. He was shooting free throws. Two handed free throws. As I walked by, he kept making them. Not a miss. I slowed to a crawl, and he still kept making them, using both hands. I came to a stop and stood watching him and still he kept making them. By the time I moved on, he had made 27 in a row (that I’d seen), and was still going. You wanna call me a baby or a kid or mock me for doing it different, go ahead, but if I can make free throws all day, bowl 300 games, or hit the highest batting average, I don’t really give a rat’s what you’re sittin’ there doin’ because I’d be out there doin’ it a whole heck’uva lot better’n you. Winners go out and do it, also ran’s mock. By the way, if you’re the one who can’t change, can’t experiment and try to make themselves better, then guess who’s really the one with the blind-

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ers on? My advice, don’t just automatically take style over function, experiment to find what’s best for you. When Two Dogs barks, all the Alley Cats listen.

Let’s go back to that Mav’s Nuggets game three ending. I’ve spent too many evenings watching basketball with close endings, like when it takes an hour for the last minute to be played because of all the deliberate fouling. Even run and gun games where a foul has to be deliberate at the end. You know what, when it’s so important to not be left for any doubt, the defending player simply grabs the guy with the ball and holds onto him with his hands. Whistle blows, play stops, foul shooting commences. Not our Mav’s. Wright first does a reach in foul, then he does a soft body touch, but with both his hands spread out wide like he’s avoiding the player. That’s not how you foul under these conditions. You don’t body slam the guy to the boards you grab him. These Mav’s have no room to complain. They beat a weakened Spurs team but couldn’t take it to the Nuggets, that simple. I don’t want to hear Coach Carlisle talk about how tough the Mav’s have played all season long, that’s absurd. Nor all the talk about having to overcome adversity this season. I only hope I’m NOT hearing the language of somebody beginning the defense of keeping this same team intact next season. I said it when it happened, I’ve been saying it all along, the trade for Kidd was a blunder of outstanding proportion, and that it ruined the team. The Cleveland Cavalier games have basically all been boring contests, each having been decided by double digits. Ho hum. Both Boston series have been fun. I didn’t think the matchup with Orlando was going to be as exciting as it was with the Bulls, but hey, it’s all been good ball. We’ll just have to see if that last second

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loss breaks the Magic’s back.

Reader Response:

Everybody, including yours truly, never gave the Rockets much of a chance against the Lakers, although I did suggest they’d take two. Man, after Yao went down, the whole country thought the plug was pulled and they were swirling down that drain like a underwater tornado, but did they ever pull that game 4 out big time!!

Two Dogs: Hey, what’s the big deal with the NBA and how they schedule games so far apart? That’s just dumb, man. Can you get that fixed? Why wait so long between games? Deon Dallas

As usual, Lakers Coach Jackson can’t give anybody credit so he says their loss was due to a lack of enthusiasm on his teams part, which translates to it wasn’t anything the Rockets did. The Lakers better be able to get it together better’n this or IF they get to face Cleveland, it’ll be a sore series for them. Jackson’s got the coaching resume, that’s the truth, but he’s never been a class character kinda guy.

Deon: The NBA likes to think they’re maximizing attendance and tv audience by having some of the playoff games spread out. The only thing longer appears to be when stores start putting out Christmas displays before Halloween. I think all games should be every other night. The worst example was after game 2 of the Mav’s Denver series on a Tuesday, they didn’t resume play until the following Saturday. There was no conflict in getting the Dallas arena, it made fans mad, and it only downplayed excitement. The day the NBA listens to what I have to say is the day you need to start looking for body snatchers. TD

Have you been ruining any of your couch cushions over the hockey playoffs? This has simply been outstanding hockey. Edge of the seat, nail biting, nerve wracking, tension building hockey. The Ducks make a series out of it with the Red Wings, hey, nobody gave Anaheim a shot against the Red Wings and the #8 seed takes it to ‘em. They get a split out of the first four and force the game six. I thought the Canucks were gonna slam the Blackhawks but Chicago keeps hanging in there. If Vancouver waits much longer, they’ll get tommy hawked. And the ‘Canes keep lettin’ the Bruins know there’s two teams on the ice, which has surprised Boston. I hope Boston gets surprised right on out of the rink. But the series that’s been spectacular to watch is the Capitals and Penguins. What the hell more could any sports fan want than this kinda series? A game where the two top young guns, Crosby and Ovechkin, each have a hat trick, no other goal scored until one other player finally gets a goal. In this game it wasn’t who won, the Caps did, but it was all about hockey.

Two Dogs: Hey, since you’ve never liked the Mav’s trade for Jason Kidd, has there ever been such a big flub like that with anything else? Stench Highland Park Stench: You know why teams take chances on very iffy players? Because a fraction of the time it works out. I think the odds don’t warrant the effort. For every Charles Haley out there, and he was a major iffy, there’s a Ryan Leaf, Pacman Jones, blah blah blah. It’s not limited to sports though. How’s about Coca Cola actually listening to some idiot propose the cancelling of coke? How’s about they did it, then had to bring it back as Classic Coke? So, who’s worse, the guy who comes up with an idiot idea, or the fools that listen and act on it? TD Two Dogs: Now that the Rangers are in first place in the AL

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

West, are you finally going to show them some of the respect they so greatly deserve? Sheila Ft. Worth Sheila: Nope. Are they fun to watch? Right now they are. But please, if you’re gonna come on like some big Rangers fan, then you’re either ignoring their history, or you’re memory’s short, or you can’t read. The Rangers have been here before this early in the season, this isn’t the time to be crowing about being champions, it’s the time to make sure they don’t fall apart like they do every year. Like I’ve been saying, Washington’s an excellent coach, but he needs this year to keep developing them, and to bring the farm team up. There is a remote chance they’ll make the post season, and fun that’d be, but in my book, the real story is, or should be, next season. TD Two Dogs: Why can’t the Stars get somebody like Anaheim’s Ryan Getzlaf, or Detroit’s Johan Franzen? Or some other guys who can play both skilled and tough? I read where the Stars just signed Neal’s little brother, I mean, c’mon, how’s that going to improve the team? This team traded away it’s skilled and tough core players and just have these Euro soft players. Paschal Dallas Paschal: I share your pain. We’re not totally devoid of tough. We do have Ott, who had a break out year, and Morrow will be back next season, probably with a vengeance. But I agree that we could certainly use a couple of bigger, faster, and tougher skilled forwards, and maybe the return of a Hatcher like defenseman. Our D doesn’t have a big skilled bruiser to punish people. I don’t think co-GM Hull is keen on that, but maybe after that fiasco with Avery his voice isn’t quite as loud in the meetings. TD Pat “Two Dogs” Snow twodogs@anemagazine.com

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Hot Rods and Heels is a festival and celebration of all things vintage! Hot Rods and Heels brings together vendors, fashion designers, makeup artists, models, burlesque performers, entertainers, and fans in one amazing location in the heart of Dallas. Although Dallas is hosting, we welcome participants from all over Texas. Tickets on sale now at www.hotrodsandheels.eventbrite.com

Scheduled To Appear

Courtney Crave, Angela Ryan, Ginger Valentine and Deviant Dolls

The Vixens Of Vaudeville and LaDivina Schedule of Events

The Lollie Bombs and Athena Fatale

4-8pm: Shopping 5pm: Pin-Up Style Hair and Make Up Work Shop 6pm: How to Shimmy The Art of Burlesque 7pm: Vintage Fashion Show: 8-9:30pm: Burlesque Performances 9:30-10pm: Intermission 10-11pm: Burlesque Performances 11-Midnight: Awards Presentation

Photographer Credits: Mister Devious(Angela and Courtney), G3 Photography(The Vixens of Vaudeville), Viva Von Story(Athena Fatale), Janik Photography(The Lollie Bombs), Teresa Nasty(LaDivina)

Upcoming 2009 Events

05/15-05/17 Lone Star Corvette Classic XX The 20th annual Lone Star Corvette Classic will be held at Texas Motor Speedway, 3545 Lone Star Circle, Ft. Worth, Texas. More than 600 classic, custom, and stock Corvettes are expected to be on display. This 3-day event has something for everyone: Casino Night, silent auction, vendors, car corral, car show, khana, and track events. the National Corvette Museum, Speedway Children’s Charities, and St. Cloud’s Rescue. 05/22-05/24 Longview, Texas Party in the Pines Held at Longview Fairgrounds Complex, 1123 Jaycee Drive in Longview. Registration opens at 12:00 pm on Friday. A weekend pass is $30.00 and a one day pass is $15.00. Those who register before May 1st will receive a t-shirt and pin. The rally will include dyno drag racing, a $600 joker run, bike games, bike show, guided rides, a motorcycle parade, stunt team riders, live music, vendors, camping and more. Dyno drag competitions will also be held all weekend with trophies awarded. The bike show has 8 classes. The parade is a 15 mile police escorted ride through Longview. For more information call a (903) 759-1948, click here to send e-mail, or go to http://www.pinerally.com. Have a ride or other event you want posted? Send the information to: editor@anemagazine.com

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gorilla gadgets

odd : cool : interesting : insane stuff! Dr. Hard Drive Bag (Healing Your PC)

This object, which has a circuit of hard drive, is truly working as a tangible virus vaccine by applying the metaphor of IV drip bag. When you plug it into your laptop, the vaccine software can be turned up in the screen and operate system. Also, the light for feedback in the IV drip bag turns on while using it.

Plant Identification Field Guide Coming To iPhone And More

The National Science Foundation is working on a plant identification guide for the iPhone and other portables, reports the Times: “The field guide, now in prototype for iPhones and other portable devices, has been tested at three sites in the northeastern United States, including Plummers Island in Maryland and Central Park in New York, said W. John Kress, a research botanist and curator at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, who is also on the research team. The computer program compares the leaf snapshot to a library of leaf images.” “We believe there is enough information in a single leaf to identify a species,” he said. “Our brains can’t remember all of these characteristics, but the computer can.”

Jam The Sneezer Beam In Your Nose To Fight Allergies

The “Sneezer Beam” is a two-pronged light-emitting device that, when jammed up your nose to irradiate your nostrils, claims to “inhibit the cells in your nose that release histamine” to cure hay fever and other allergies. It’s $60 from Gizoo. Searching in the Annals of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology, the “official publication of the American College of Allergy, Asthma, & Immunology” for “light therapy” does not bring up any results, although Gizoo’s write-up says that positive results from a clinical trial of the device were published there. www.coolest-gadgets.com

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Face Adventure Sitting Down in Kirk’s Captain Chair Replica

With the sci-fi status and geek grandeur of Captain Kirk’s command chair in your collection, you can boldly go where no fan has gone before! This full-size recreation of the U.S.S. Enterprise’s captain’s chair is designed from detailed drawings supplied by Paramount Studios and is approved by Paramount. It delivers all the accents and details from the historic prop, along with modern lighting, sound effects, and phrases designed to thrill any Star Trek enthusiast! The unbelievable chair measures 41-inches tall x 42-inches wide x 39-inches deep. It weighs about 215 pounds! The working swivel seat with wooden handles, leather seat cover, and armrest controls make this the perfect addition to any collection, display, home theater, or museum! The chair, seat of the chair and arms of the chair are made of wood, the seat is covered in leather. There is an iron base the chair is mounted on for rigidity. Limited edition of 1,701 pieces worldwide. Special Bonus! Every purchase also comes with an authentic miniature replica of the Life Size Captain’s Chair with Captain James T. Kirk. Show it off in your office, club, work area, or family area where you display all your other Star Trek collectibles! Some bad news: initially set to be released for $1,000, the actual price now looks to be a muchworse $2,200. But hey, it makes Kirk sounds! In any case, this is a near-exact replica of Kirk’s captain chair from the original series, so if you’re that into it, here you go. It ships next month. www.entertainmentearth.com

Japanese Find Out How to Make Heart-Shaped Watermelons

Having mastered the art of making square watermelons and even pyramid watermelons, Japanese farmers turned to making heart-shaped watermelons. These 15,750 yen ($160) watermelons were grown by a couple and took three years to perfect down to the point where they were good enough to convince people to pay $160 for them. There’s only 20 melons in this batch, but we’re sure Mr. and Mrs. Hiroichi Kimura will grow more next season.

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Australian Government Porn Stash Revealed It may not be hidden under a mattress but many Australian taxpayers would be unaware they are part-owners in a major stash of pornography. The erotica collection held by the Government-funded National Film and Sound Archive includes 108 films ranging from soft to hard-core pornography, according to a media report. Many of the works have been donated by pornography makers over decades with the Archive only paying for one of a list of works obtained under a freedom-of-information request. Titles held by the archive include True Blue, Manly Beach, Down Under, Taken Down Under, Outback Stripper, Sydney Boys Go Off and Aussie Rules, according to the report. Archive senior curator Graham Shirley reportedly defended the collection, which he said was a legitimate contribution to Australian cultural history. It is believed the erotica collection includes films dating back 80 years, documentaries, silent films and some that would now be considered art movies as much as pornography.

MILF Porn Still Popular

Mother’s Day , when most of us spring for eggs Benedict and a tulip bouquet, another segment of the population will be honoring moms in its own uniquely

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Feeling Dirty All About Porn: Releases, News and Stars! Freudian way: by watching MILF porn, the adult industry’s hot new genre. “I’m 41, and I have these 25-year-old fans writing me letters,” says actress Demi Delia (MILFs Night Out, Lowfat MILF). “They must have mommy issues.” A lot of people do, apparently. According to Sugar DVD, a Netflix-style service for porn, MILF—a now-common acronym for “mom I’d like to f*ck”—is its second-most popular genre (after interracial), up from 14th place last year. The company’s most popular title, It’s a Mommy Thing 4, recently overtook fiveweek champion It’s a Mommy Thing 3. Meanwhile, on the Web, YouPorn.com (a YouTube knockoff with millions of visitors each day) reports that MILF, mature, and wife are three of its top 10 search terms. “The plot’s always the same,” says Delia. “My sons’ friends come over and I sleep with them.” How old one has to be to qualify as a MILF is up for debate (and fans do, hotly, online), but the industry standard seems to put the minimum age at 30. To director Axel Braun (Cookies & MILF 2 and Hustler’s best-selling MILF Trainer series), the MILF moment reflects mainstream Hollywood, where many actresses of a certain age are playing seductresses—on camera and off. “Start with Demi Moore. She’s hotter than she looked at 25. Sex and the City—the girls are not young, but they make 40 look hot and glamorous,” Braun observes, adding that “teenagers dressed as sluts” hit oversaturation right around the time of the Paris Hilton sex tape. “There’s

just not much fantasy there. Instead, we’re playing into the idea that a more mature woman knows what to do in bed.” Having just wrapped This Ain’t Happy Days XXX, Braun adds, “Mrs. C., played by Raquel Devine, is the ultimate MILF. And in our film, she finally gets nailed by The Fonz.”

Don Johnson Set To Play Porn Director

Don Johnson continues his comedy streak with a turn as a mustachioed porn director in “Born to Be a Star,” the Adam Sandler and Jack Giarraputoproduced pic being released by Sony. Nick Swardson is starring as a small-town nerd who learns his quiet and demure parents were famous porn stars in the 1970s. This motivates him to leave northern Iowa for Hollywood, hoping to follow in their footsteps and fulfill his destiny as the biggest adultfilm star in the world. Johnson plays a down-on-his-luck director who discovers Swardson and gives him a shot. The cast also includes Christina Ricci as Swardson’s innocent girlfriend and Stephen Dorff as adult film star Dick Shadow, as well as Edward Herrmann and Tyler Spindel.

Gina Lynn Crosses Over to Mainstream, Returns to Roots Gina Lynn has her most impressive mainstream crossover so far in the mainstream melodrama Al-

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

lure, in which she gets top billing. The movie, which can be previewed on a MySpace page, was directed by and co-stars Shawn Cain. “As far as a leading role, this is my biggest crossover yet,” she said. “I’m really excited about it. It came out great. I know that they wanted to do the premiere in July, but you never know when things are going to wrap.” She’ll make a major return to her porn roots in a new volume of Strap-On Sally, the long-running series that launched her porn career in 2001, when the beautiful blonde burst into the industry as a Pleasure Productions contract girl. She’ll do four new movies for Pleasure, all the while turning out new productions for her Gina Lynn Productions. Once she and Knight get back to Pennsylvania they’ll prepare for the June 1 opening of their second Skin retail outlet in the Berkshire Mall in Reading, Pa. The store sells t-shirts, hats and skateboarding paraphernalia. “Everybody thinks it’s a lingerie store, I don’t know why,” she laughed. Later this month she’ll also be shooting a commercial for Quote Runner, an insurance company (“No faster way to buy insurance”) specializing in policies for motorcyclists. The commercial will appear on their site, Quoterunner.com.

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Porn Star Porn Review With Chapel Waste It was my old man’s birthday last weekend so we went to Renos where he partied till he puked. Which by the way was awesome!

Clone A Willy Empire Laboratories, Inc Intention: Clone your lovers dick by casting it in plaster. Then you can have DP with your boyfriend and it not be cheating. Review: I was super excited about the possibility of this product not only because I do rather enjoy my boyfriends dick, but my waterproof hustler which I affectionately call Emilio is just not doing that well lately and I was hoping to retire him to the pussy heaven he deserves. So I cock teased the shit out of my old man and jammed this crazy concoction onto his full mass meat hammer. Unfortunately there’s reasons the masses don’t have access to cloning technology and I am sure this I one of the cases. His cock ended up sorta leaning to the side of the tube and you really don’t get a second chance to re put it in because it starts casting immediately. So I thought oh well one sides just going to be flat I am OK with that.... I was wrong when I poured in the molding and pulled what should be a replica of Jacobs dick out it looked like some sort of freak dick. With the skin falling off and with lesions all over it. I was actually to scared to put it anywhere near my vagina because it grotesque outer appearance, so I decided instead to paint it up like it had fallen of a zombie and now its more of a conversational piece for when Mom comes over. Rating: 2 out of 5 fists- Maybe you could get it to work for intentional purpose, but at least I did come away with a really bad ass zombie dick. If you would like a freak dick I would definitely suggest purchasing this kit. Freak dicks can be highly fun, entertaining and something you can share with your friends..... vagina.. hahahaha... vagina. -Chapel Waste Contact Chapel Waste at chapelunderground@gmail.com See more of her at misterdevious.com and burningangel.com Editor: I gave the Rockslut 4ever a Clone A Willy also, so lets hope she has better luck. Pretty good release with only two scenes not doing much for me. So I’ll give it 3 out 5. -Gil Tha Thrill

Headmaster 3 Adam & Eve When you first see the cover and read the title, you think isn’t this similar to the T.I.L.F (Teacher I’d Like to F*ck) series, but once you start watching it you realize yes it is but way naughtier because it’s set in a private religious school. So you get scenes like Kayden Kross seducing her teacher, the headmaster Kayla Synz having her way with a male student, two girls (Georgia Jones and Lexi Belle) making out in the confessional booth while a priest hears one of their sins, two students make out in a dorm room and the grand finale threesome outside the principals office. My favorite scene is the last one with Angelina Valentine who has a threesome with two guys who just got into a fight. It starts off really hot with both guys trying to pull her away from the other to make out. After a while they both get her naked and take their turns. If you like really aggressive, rough sex than this scene will get you off. Kayden Kross’s second scene on here shows her and her stud letting off lots of passion. You could tell they liked working together and I was pretty shocked to see him cum in her instead of on her. Georgia Jones and Lexi Belle have a really hot barely legal lesbian scene that made feel naughty and sinful. It would have been better if the priest hearing their sins had lost his way to the most sinful indulgence of ever... the pleasure of flesh.

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Jana Cova: Belle Digital Playground In “Jana Cova: Belle”, Celeste combines beautiful girls with stellar production values to create a stimulating visual experience, which can only be described as “belle”. Jana Cova has no problem taking what she wants from hotties like Kina Kai, Lisa A. Daniels, Brooke Belle, and Sophia Lynn. Jana buries their faces into her sweet pussy and holds tight until she cums all over. Meanwhile, nympho Alexis Love has to be tied up in order to allow Charles and Marco time to recoup from their blown loads. Maya Hills teases Tony a bit before slipping his cock in her ass and milking him dry. “Jana Cova: Belle” turns sex into art.

Double Decker Sandwich # 13 Zero Tolerance Satisfy your hunger with another delectable doubleserving of bountiful breast meat. Your mouth will be watering and your pickle will be puckering at the sight of the hefty helpings of humongous hooters. Jaws (and drawers) will drop as these beautiful and bodacious babes let their massive melons loose and satisfy the most depraved and decadent of sexual appetites.

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Sex In the Newz The monthly testosterone injection works by temporarily blocking sperm production and could revolutionise birth control, experts believe.

Disneyland spokeswoman Suzi Brown says the changes took effect Sunday at Splash Mountain, Tower of Terror, Space Mountain and California Screamin’.

In trials in China only one man in 100 fathered a child while on the injections, the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism reports. Six months after stopping the jabs the men’s sperm counts returned to normal.

Riders are photographed on the attractions and can then buy souvenir copies. Some have exposed their breasts in hopes that the picture would make it onto a photo preview screen at the ride’s exit.

Family planning campaigners welcomed the news and said they hoped an injection would give couples more choice and enable men to take a greater share of the responsibility for contraception. But experts said more trials were needed to check the safety of the jab.

Reading, Watching TV More Popular Than Sex For Canadian Woman

Rampant Boobies To Reign At Disneyland!

Besides sleep, Sun Media’s Great Canadian Female Sex Survey found the deed was ranked third on a woman’s list of things they do in bed, trailing behind reading or watching TV.

Male 'Contraceptive Jab' Closer

A male contraceptive jab could be as effective at preventing pregnancies as the female pill or condoms, work shows.

Disneyland and Walt Disney World will no longer pay dedicated toplessness-checkers to examine the photos snapped of riders and displayed at the end of the ride. Not enough flashers these days, apparently. Disney confirmed Tuesday that it has reassigned employees at Disneyland and Disney’s California Adventure who watched for breast-baring riders because “actual inappropriate behaviors by guests are rare.”

Ms. Morê’s Esoteric Museum Photo Gallery By: Ms. Misha Morê The smell of ancient insanity. Unusual collection of artifacts, exhibits, medical equipment, gadgets, devices and treatments and original creation. A Fortress-like mental health complex.....

Between the sheets, women are more likely to read Love the One You’re With rather than make love to one they’re with, or watch Desperate Housewives rather than play their own desperate housewife.

The Sun Media-Leger Marketing survey polled 1,003 Canadian women above the age of 18, to find that even though women who are satisfied with their sex life are more likely to name sex as their No. 1 activity compared to those who are unsatisfied with their sex life (22% compared to 9%), those satisfied women will watch Sex and the City almost three times as much as they will have sex in the city.

To see MORE of My work, visit: http://users.adultspace.com/MSMORE.

Isabella Rossellini And "Crazy Animal Sex" Isabella Rossellini is a woman who wears many hats. Actress, model, writer, philanthropist. Now, Rossellini can add “filmmaker specializing in animal pornography” to that already impressive list. “When needed, I can have an erection six feet long and stick it inside a female,” exclaims Isabella Rossellini, clothed not in her standard designer fare, but in a paper mache whale costume, of which the defining characteristic is an attachment of a giant pink penis in full erection. Rossellini writes, directs, and lends her acting chops to the quirky Green Porno series, which features the actress, donned in hilarious animal costumes, describing the various mating habits of members of the animal kingdom. The series is winsome and fun, not just because of Rossellini’s infectious charm, but also because of the wonderful craftsmanship of Andy Byers, a Brooklyn-based artist who created all the sets and costumes. His costumes are hand-made, crafts-influenced, and seeped in an adult’s residual nostalgia for bad elementary school Halloween costumes meticulously made by well-intetioned mothers hungry for Kodak moments. There’s also the fact of Rossellini’s sexy, ambiguously European accent, with its traces of Italian and Swedish, which lends richness and whimsy to phrases like “Penises, different penises, all trying to get as close as possible to my eggs!” The series is peppered with Rossellini’s cheeky and good-natured translations of beastial intercourse, and pronouncements like “we are sequential hermaphrodites” reminds me very much of a Polish biology teacher I once had, who always confused the term “organism” with “orgasm,” to jocu-

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Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

lar result. Season one of Green Porno, which debuted last year, featured the sex lives of insects, including the spider, fly, snail, earthworm, bee, and praying mantis. Dressed as a fly, Rossellini jubilantly proclaims, as she mounts a prosthetic fly, “I have sex several times a day, any opportunity, any female.” Season two, currently playing online at the Sundance website, takes the voyeur underwater to get a glimpse into the boudoir of the whale, barnacle, anglerfish, starfish, and limpet -- with more to come. Rossellini is a total champ, exuberantly playing all her animal characters as if angling for an Academy Award. She is resplendent as an earthworm, indicated as such by a 20-foot paper tube from which only her head is visible, who solemnly declares, “I need to mate with another hermaphrodite. In the 69 position.” No barnacle has ever been sexier, because no barnacle has ever been Isabella Rossellini’s floating head on the body of a stuffed animal, explaining with the seriousness of a professor that in order to mate she has to plant herself in the body of a female barnacle and “degenerate into a sexual organ, just releasing sperm.” I would have paid a lot more attention in my biology classes if instead of boring educational videos, we watched Rossellini dressed as a snail, attaching painfully to the body of another snail in a love grip and admitting, “to inflict pain on my partners before mating – it turns me on. I love to be hurt too. Sadomasochism excites me.” Now that Rossellini has tackled the insect world and the world of the sea, what is next? Birds? Reptiles? Or, better yet, dinosaurs?! One can only hope.

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The Top 10 Lies You've Been Told About Sex 10. Men are Hornier than Women: This isn’t true for the most part. Sure, we go around with boners all the time. Sure, we talk about sex a lot. But guess what -- it’s society, man. It’s society telling women they should be all prim and proper and non-sexual. Ladies in the street and ladies in bed. It’s part of the sexism that is still around -- the sexism that says a man is a man and has to sexually dominate a woman to keep his manhood. But don’t believe the hype. Biologically, women should be just as horny as men. 9. Nerds Don’t Get Any Action: Hey Poindexter, it looks like Brock and the rest of the varsity squad might be scrambling for sloppy seconds. At least, that is, when it comes to college. A recent study at Elon University in North Carolina suggests that women are attracted to smarts more than you’d think. The study had 15 college guys perform a series of mental tasks on camera, then hundreds of women watched the video and rated how much they wanted to have a one-night stand or a longterm relationship. In both cases, the men’s intelligence was an accurate indicator of how attractive they were to the ladies. In other words: The smarter you are, the easier it is for you to get on the trolley to Pleasure Town, U.S.A. 8. Mountain Dew Lowers Your Sperm Count: An ingredient in Mountain Dew, specifically the food dye Yellow #5, was reported by my fifth grade classmate Rory to undoubtedly lower your sperm count, thus making you “totally queer.” The only known cure at the time, was red-headed Sara’s prematurely large, freckled breasts. For years these results went unchallenged until I Googled it yesterday. This independent research yielded the following shocking results: “tartrazine is an extremely stable molecule which may account for both its relative lack of toxicity and also the fact that it comes out of the body pretty much as it goes in: YELLOW…The silly schoolyard rumor has gone so far as to claim that Mountain Dew prevents pregnancy because it reduces sperm count or sperm motility. Not true.” So worry not, extreme men. Slam a Dew, then slam your lady with impunity. 7. Wearing Two Condoms Offers Double the Protection: Wearing two condoms not only does not offer additional protection from pregnancy or STD/STIs, it actually increases the likelihood of pregnancy or contracting a disease. Condoms are relatively reliable (90-95%) prophylactics, and if you require further peace of mind, you should use redundant birth control in the form of a pill, injection, or any of a variety of other options. However, putting two condoms on actually increases the friction between the two condoms. It’s like rubbing two pieces of sandpaper together until one of them rips. You want that on your schlong? Don’t double bag it! 6. The G-spot: The G-spot is a location inside a lady’s vagina, and it’s named for German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg. Supposedly, it is a location one to three inches inside the vagina on the anterior wall (toward the belly button). Stimulation of this area is supposed to cause more intense orgasms, but the vast, vast, vast majority of gynecologists say it doesn’t exist. Specifically, they say there just isn’t anything there. Some have suggested that Grafenberg was unduly influenced by Freud, who believed that masculine penetration was needed for the most intense orgasm because he thought men were better than

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women. Despite biological evidence to the contrary, though, if that’s where your lady likes it, then stimulate away. 5. Multiple Male Orgasms Rock: In theory, they would rock. In practice, they’re near impossible, and are probably uncomfortable. Part of being able to have multiple male orgasms is basically refining orgasm. The technique people are talking about most of the time is basically retaining your ejaculate while still getting the sensation of an orgasm: coming without coming. However, a noted urologist says “there is no separating ejaculation and orgasm,” adding, “out of hundreds of guys I know who have tried this, I know only one who’s been able to do it.” And, apparently, even if he’s holding it back, it just feels like blue balls vasocongestion. Your best bet is just to recover fast and get back in the saddle. 4. Semen is Low-carb and Atkins-approved: It’s about as Atkins-approved as ice cream. Here’s the skinny: The average male ejaculate is about 4 milliliters. And, although there is protein in semen (the sperm, namely), it is largely comprised of fructose which is a sugar, and totally not Atkins-approved. However, the energy in a typical load amount to a measly seven calories. So, let’s just say that you’re giving your girl 14 shots a day – a noble goal. That’s about 100 calories. It would take a month for her to put on a pound of “semen weight.” 3. Average Penis Size: The average penis size in the general population is probably smaller than you think. Lifestyle condoms did a study on the average length of erect men, and the truth is somewhere between five and six inches. Take heart, dudes. There is a limit to how big you can be comfortably. If you’re hitting the cervix, really, there’s nowhere else to go. 2. Green M&Ms, Oysters, and Horny Goat Weed are Aphrodisiacs: You poor, misguided soul. Those are actually just foods. Two of them are actually totally gross foods. There is no evidence anywhere that suggests the compounds in any of those foods make boys or girls randy. However, if they make you horny, then guess what: they make you horny. No amount of rhetoric or scientific study can defy an obvious erection. Even placebo-effect boners are boners. Probably, your best (legal) bet is caffeine. The burst of energy will at least get you to get off of your ass where, statistically, you’re much more likely to get it on. 1. Black Dudes Have Gigantic Dongs: There is no evidence, anywhere, that penis size is strictly related to what race a person is. In fact, it appears to have nothing to do with it. The origin of this myth, too, is a total bummer. Big dick expert, black guy, and social commenter Scott Poulson explains: “…the notion that the black man had a “desire to conquer pristine Southern white womanhood” was concocted to ease the guilty consciences of white slave masters who routinely forced themselves on their female slaves. In their minds, the black man, out of revenge, would do the same thing to white women if given half a chance. So the myth of “big dick-ness” was invented to control the sexuality of the black male by casting him as a “sexual terrorist.” In fact, the biggest penis in the world belongs to a schlumpy, white guy from Brooklyn named Jonah Falcon.

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Did I Ever Tell You The One About...

It’s Hard To Find a Good Donkey Show

And other strange oddities of the world

The Weekly Adventures Of OJ Tobias I really wasn’t sure how the whole deal went down. I had been drinking most of the day and driving around, same as any other day. Kevin spouted off, “Hey, maybe you should do some stand up comedy?”. I was kinda surprised by the question. “What?” I queried. “Yeah dude, you should tell some of your columns on the stage. You could make it big.” After downing a few more drinks and speeding up I had had enough time to really think about what Kevin was talking about. “Listen you sorry motherf**ker, my column ain’t about no funny shit. It is about the hard-hitting truth about my life. You want me to get on some stage and make a bunch of jackasses laugh? Have you ever read my column? It brings wisdom and light to all those who read it, you sorry bastard!” I felt so dirty, so I pulled into the car wash. “I think they get paid like $1,000.00 a show and shit.” Kevin had a good point. “Where is the nearest comedy club?” I slammed on the brakes, which was not good considering that I had just entered the car wash. When they say not to hit your brakes in the car wash, there is a reason! It f**ks up your car. When we pulled up to the comedy club it was closed. What club is closed at 3 in the afternoon? We did see this sign for Comedy Defensive Driving. Now that is a winning idea. I could do some shit like that. The best defense is a good offense. This especially true about driving. Why do they have a defensive driving course? I will never know. At the end of the day do you want to be the sucker got ran off the road? F**k that. Plus those guys in NASCAR ain’t f**king around. They make millions of dollars to cut each other off and bump each other in the ass (not in a gay way… well maybe, but that is a different blog). Offensive driving is the only way to go, but you need a few pieces of proper equipment. 1. Armored Car, Hummer H1 (not the pussy H2 or H3), 1/2 ton Truck, a Tank, or you can hijack a school bus (Ever heard of the police shooting at a school bus? Cops are such pussies!) 2. A properly decorated helmet. (If you jack the school bus I suggest a football helmet. The police will believe your just some retarded kid that some-

how took over the bus.) Once you have the proper equipment, you should check the following items to ensure your safety: 1. Make sure the seatbelt fastens securely. 2. Make sure you have at least 2 cup holders. Driving with something between your legs can be dangerous. (Unless you go with a school bus… just have the kid behind you hold the beers. This will give him something to focus on while he is crying.)

53 Pounds Of Packed Cocaine Found at least once. On Texas Beach Beachcombers found more than seashells while strolling on a Texas beach: two dozen neatly wrapped packages of cocaine. Jefferson County Sheriff’s Lt. Troy Tucker said drug smugglers have been known to use freighters and the cocaine may have been kicked overboard to avoid detection.

Now it is time to start driving:

The sheriff’s department was working with federal agencies Wednesday to try to determine the source of the 53 pounds of cocaine, worth about $500,000.

1. Aim for every car on the road. Those defensive drivers are hard to hit. They will get the f**k out of your way every time, so also aim at pedestrians (this will help with the insanity defense, so it will come in handy later).

KFDM-TV reported the cocaine was found Tuesday west of Sea Rim State Park, in the Sabine (suh-BEEN’) Pass area. It was found by people looking for debris, such as metal, that washes ashore. Their names weren’t released.

2. At intersections where cars stop in front of you, just bump them a bit, and they will move out of your way. Unless they are gay and like it from behind. In that case just wait, unless you are also gay and want to bump someone from behind.

Cow May Get New Home After Slaughterhouse Escape

3. You will instantly notice that the road clears a path for you similar to a fire truck. You will get to where you are going in record time unless you are spotted by a policeman. And unless you are in a armored car, tank, or school bus they will also use their offensive driving to stop you. They will bump you in the ass like the NASCAR guys, just harder. They like it rough. In the off chance the police intercept you in the armored car or the tank, just drive into the nearest lake. Tanks remind me of turtles, so I am sure they can swim. Armored cars remind me of tanks, so the same goes for them. If you are on the school bus when you run out of gas just acted retarded when you get off the bus. Make sure to piss your pants before they finally get you. What sane person pees on themselves unless it is for an adult video. I have a DVD available if you’re interested send me a message. It is very detailed about all the variables of offensive driving. Plus my lawyer says I should have a few people sign disclaimers. Be sure to catch OJ performing live at Hyena’s, 2525 E Arkansas Ln # 253, Arlington - (817) 2265233. Show starts at 7 PM with $2 domestics & well drinks. www.myspace.com/ojtobias

A cow nicknamed Molly who escaped from a New York City slaughterhouse may have a new lease on life. New York police said the all-black cow got out from Musa Hala, Inc. about 1 p.m. Wednesday, a slaughterhouse where animals are butchered according to religious restrictions. She wandered nearly a mile before she was corralled and captured by Emergency Services Unit officers. She was darted and delivered to the city’s Animal Care and Control, where she was nicknamed Molly. Officials there are looking into whether Molly the cow can be placed at a farm sanctuary to live out her life or if she must be returned for slaughter. It depends on whether anyone comes forward to claim her. Animal care officials said a handful of cows in the past decade have escaped to the city streets.

Delaware Family Sets Trap To Nab Teen Joyriders

Two teens are in custody after a family set a trap to catch whoever was repeatedly taking their SUV in the middle of the night, driving it around and filling the tank up before returning it. The teens were arrested Sunday and charged with felony theft. Several months ago, city police said the Acura MDX owner repeatedly smelled gas and tobacco in his car. He often noticed the gas gauge fluctuating dramatically. So he put a motion sensor and alarm in the car. When the vehicle was driven away, the alarm went off and he called police. Police said the teens found a spare set of keys inside the unlocked SUV several months ago and returned with the keys to take the car out for joyrides.

According to Okada, the father didn’t do it as a punishment. Rather, he thought it was funny.

Ohio Teen Suspended For Going To Girlfriend’s Prom A northwest Ohio teenager has been suspended by his Christian school because he attended another high school’s prom.

Officials at Heritage Christian School in Findlay had warned 17-year-old Tyler Frost that he would be suspended and prohibited from attending graduation if he went to the public school dance over the weekend with his girlfriend. Frost says he didn’t think going to the dance was wrong even though his fundamentalist Baptist school Ohio forbids dancing, rock music and hand-holding.

Orangutan Makes A Run For It At Australian Zoo

A zoo in Australia was evacuated Sunday after an “ingenious” 137-pound (62-kilogram) orangutan short-circuited an electric fence and hopped a wall surrounding her enclosure. The ape, a 27-year-old female named Karta, jammed a stick into wires connected to the fence and then piled up debris to climb a concrete and glass wall at the Adelaide Zoo. Zoo curator Peter Whitehead told reporters Karta sat on top of the fence for about 30 minutes before apparently changing her mind about the escape and climbing back into the enclosure. Whitehead said the animal was not aggressive, but the zoo was cleared as a precaution, and veterinarians stood by with tranquilizer guns in case of trouble. Officials at the zoo in the southern city of Adelaide would conduct a “thorough review” of the escape bid and it was likely some vegetation that could be used in a future try for freedom would be removed from Karta’s enclosure.

T.G.I. Friday’s Says Snake Likely Planted In Meal

T.G.I. Friday’s says a severed snake head found in a dish of broccoli at one of its upstate New York restaurants was apparently planted in the meal. Company spokeswoman Amy Freshwater said Friday independent laboratory tests confirmed the snake head was added to cooked broccoli at its Clifton Park restaurant. The Carrollton, Texas, company has asked state police to investigate. Diner Jack Pendleton of Ballston Lake says he found the snake head on Sunday.

Dad Accused Of Using Dog Shock Freshwater says the company doesn’t know who put the head in the meal. Pendleton says he Collar On His Kids A father was accused of using a dog shock collar on his four children. Salem Police Lt. Dave Okada said the 41-year-old man was jailed Tuesday on charges of criminal mistreatment. He said the father acknowledged putting the electronic dog collar on his four children and shocking all of them

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Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

didn’t.

Pendleton says that after he e-mailed a cell phone photo of the head to his friends, one of them posted it on a consumer complaint Web site. Pendleton has said he has no plans to sue.

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News, Rumors and Gossip Rob Pattinson Puckers Up For ‘Little formance artist and a complex French philosopher. He challenged the fuzzy, hypocritical morality of Ashes’ Gay Sex Scenes the Motion Picture Association of America’s ratings He’s got teenage girls falling at his feet already, but Rob Pattinson only has eyes for the boys in his next film... and apparently, he likes it. The white-hot “Twlight” actor stars as Spanish surrealist painter Salvador Dali in “Little Ashes”, which focuses on the artist’s steamy love affair with poet Federico Garcia Lorca. Lorca is played by Spanish actor Javier Beltran in the flick, which was competed before R-Patz hit the big time as teenage vampire Edward Cullen “Twilight.” After getting over his initial anxiety about his two gay sex scenes with Beltran, the 22-year-old actor says they’re his favorite scenes in the entire flick. “It was hard to watch my first scene, in which I turn up in this funny little hat,” Pattinson commented recently. “I was worried about watching them, but Dalí and Lorca’s sex scenes were in fact the best scenes.” And he’s not too worried about whether his loyal “Twilight” fans flock to see his more adult turn as the eccentric Dali. “I don’t really mind either way,” says Pattinson, currently filming “New Moon,” the second installment of the hit vampire franchise in Canada.

Penn. Student Suspended From Christian College for Gay Porn Role

A student is appealing his suspension from a Christian college in western Pennsylvania for appearing in gay porn videos using a pseudonym. Twenty-two-year-old John Gechter, of Philadelphia, was suspended for one year pending appeal from Grove City College after a student saw him last month in a video posted online. Gechter is appealing the suspension and says he may sue claiming that the gay porn job isn’t any of the school’s business, especially since he performed using the name “Vincent DeSalvo.” Gechter says he used his porn income to pay for his schooling. School officials say Gechter is suspended because Gechter was well aware his porn involvement “exhibited behavior contrary to the values” of the school about 50 miles north of Pittsburgh.

‘Outrage’ Takes On Closeted Gay Politicians

board in “This Film Is Not Yet Rated,” and in 2004 he was nominated for an Oscar for “Twist of Faith,” a documentary about a man confronting the pain of his childhood sexual abuse by a Catholic priest.

In “Outrage,” which opened this weekend in the Bay Area, Dick exposes the covert lives of closeted gay politicians, many of whom vote against pro-gay legislation to deflect suspicion of their own sexual preference. He looks at former Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, who denies that he is gay despite being arrested on suspicion of lewd behavior in an airport bathroom and other allegations about his sexual conduct reported in the Idaho Statesman; and former U.S. Rep. Edward L. Schrock, R-Va., who retired in 2004 after he was outed by the Advocate. He interviews former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey, who came out and resigned from office in 2004, and former U.S. Rep. Jim Kolbe, R-Ariz., who came out in 1996, while still in office, and was re-elected five times. “Outrage” doesn’t pull its punches. “There exists a brilliantly orchestrated conspiracy to keep gay and lesbian politicians as closeted as possible,” it states at the onset. “This film is about politicians who live in the closet, those who have escaped it and the people who work to end its tyranny.”

President Obama’s Gay Marriage Joke! Offensive or Funny? The blogs are in an uproar over President Barack Obama’s “gay joke” at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner. Recently out lesbian and wickedly funny woman Wanda Sykes opened the evening for the president making a joke about how everyone loves Obama...”even the press.” Sykes wondered why the press never catches Obama smoking but always catches him shirtless. “I don’t need to see your nipples,” Sykes said. Despite the milestone of a gay woman opening the evening, blogs are abuzz regarding Obama’s gay marriage joke concerning his friend and adviser David Axelrod. “David and I have been together a long time,” Obama said, explaining that many years ago he called Axelrod and said, “you and I could do wonderful things together.”

“I’m a respectable person. I’m not gay. I don’t do those kinds of things.” - Larry Craig, in a police interview after his June 2007 arrest at the MinneapolisSt. Paul International Airport on suspicion of lewd conduct

The President, who has remained relatively silent regarding the gay marriage strides that Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine and Washington DC have recently made, and who does not support full marriage for same-sex couples, joked about Axelrod’s response to Obama’s proposal to work together.

Kirby Dick hasn’t shied from incendiary material in his long career as a documentary filmmaker. He’s portrayed a sex surrogate, a “supermasochist” per-

“He said what partners all over America are saying to me right now. Let’s go to Iowa and make it official.”

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METRO ANE 05.13.2009