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WIN A DATE WITH JOHNNY BLADES + ULTIMATE PRIZE PACKAGE see page 10 to learn about the amazing jewelry design artist Johnny Blades includes dinner, drinks & live music plus the johnny blades ultimate packages 2 necklaces 1 bracelet 1 tiara and 1 pair of earrings 1 photo shoot plus edit. Over $500 value.. Tickets are $1. Each ticket is an entry so the more you buy the more chance you have to win. Contest ends march 1st. Winner will be chosen off a dice roll. Use link to purchase tickets

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No Pants Subway Ride Dallas 2013 No Pants Subway Ride Dallas 2013 is to take place on Sunday, January 13, 2013 12:00pm at the DART Light Rail station TBA , check here for details...

they know each other, and they all wear winter coats, hats, scarves, and gloves. The only unusual thing is their lack of pants.

https://www.facebook.com/events/ 519495644741726/?suggestsession id=1159511299411357448194 The No Pants Subway Ride is an annual event staged by www.improvEverywhere.com The mission started as a small prank with seven guys and has grown into an international celebration of silli-

The 12th Annual No Pants Subway Ride will take place on January 13, 2013.

ness, with dozens of cities around the world participating each year. The idea behind No Pants is simple: Random passengers board a subway car at separate stops in the middle of winter without pants. The participants do not behave as if

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On Sunday, January 8th, 2012 tens of thousands of people took off their pants on subways in 59 cit-

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ies in 27 countries around the world. In New York, the 11th Annual No Pants Subway Ride had nearly 4,000 participants, spread out over six meeting points and ten subway lines. Since this was the 11th year they had done this, there’s not too much to report other than it was another awesome time. .........see page 4

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from page 3... Once again the No Pants Subway Ride happened around the world,

I gotta give props to the Miami ride, as it only had ONE participant. Pretty awesome and brave to still go through with it. She’s pictured above. Bangalore became the first city in India to participate. The all-male participant group reported no trouble from authorities, but many shocked passengers.

with many cities making their debut. The above photo comes from Istanbul. This was the first Turkish city to participate. The police got involved, detaining participants and deleting photos from their cameras (though obviously they didn’t delete them all!) The leader of the event wrote a great write up about their day that’s worth a read. Other cities that reported trouble from police or security: Chicago, Madrid, and Milan. I don’t believe anyone was arrested or fined, just detained or asked to stop.

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They announce the date of the No Pants Subway Ride every year in early December. If you’re interested in participating in 2013 in New York or anywhere else in the world, sign up for the mailing list, follow them on twitter.com/ improvevery and like them on: Facebook www.facebook.com/ events/384442168310871/ You’ll be the first to hear about it. Watch them on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/channel/ UCTrtA2LyW7gie0o8hY4efXw Get the official 2012 No Pants Subway Ride t-shirt: http://improveverywhere.com/missions/the-no-pants-subway-ride/ Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Adventures in the Erotic Underground ™ With The Not So Desperate Housewife

Hey kids, it’s me Mardi, “The Not So Desperate Housewife”, mulling over the movies and pondering the proliferation of prudishness. As a fan of German films from the early part of the twentieth century (particularly silent films of the nineteen-twenties), I was recently reminded of just how racy some of these films were, particularly when compared the priggish pablum we have seen served up in cinemas in recent years. Yes, while your local cine-plex blurs out breasts and strenuously avoids the slightest mention of sex, the lost generations was proudly practicing their new found freedom as they shamelessly shrugged-off the Victorian-era oppression of eroticism. Don’t believe me? Check out a little

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gem entitled “Geschlecht in Fesseln – Die Sexualnot der Strafgefangenen”, literally “Sex in bondage - The sexual frustration of prisoners” but endearingly titled “Sex in Chains” for the English-speaking audiences. Classic German cinema circa 1928, “Sex in Chains” runs the gamut from lust and jealousy to murderous passions, homosexuality and adultery. Geez! And you thought modern life was a Cabaret ol’ chum? Of course, Cabaret the play and later film, was set in 1931 Berlin so you get the idea that our dear Teutonic forefathers of some eighty years ago were fairly liberal in their dealings with all things sexual. But, back to the sad state of modern movies, it seems that those who would dictate our morals have no problem with death and destruction so long as nary a nipple is found on film. Compared to our not so long ago past, it appears that our society has given tacit approval to gallons of gore but not one drop of sex shall be tolerated. And so it was that during my contemplation of calendars while writing last week’s column that I suddenly came to realize that this year’s venerated volume of temporal titillation, the notorious calendar produced by a lusty Italian tire-maker, had, to my horror, clothed models on its hallowed pages. Really? What’s next, the schoolmarm edition of our favorite pin-up magazine?

interesting impasse in our devolution where we readily embrace a host of horrors and giddily gawk at the base and the vile, but cannot be seen to even acknowledge the sexual core of our beings. Which brings me back to a sore subject once again at the heart of this week’s whining and that is the demise of our ability to be “out” about our dalliances in deviance as the pendulum swings once again to a place where eroticism is taboo. Oh well, I guess that just means we will have to reclaim our rightful places deep in the erotic underground and leave the dabblers to their places at the pulpits. I tire quickly of hipsters anyway. But lest you think that all your erotic options have eroded, I must admit that the few facilities left where one can indulge their sensual side are, at least, of a preeminent pedigree. So it is that I turn my attention to plotting this weekend’s wickedness and happily come across an event I’m sure we can all get behind, the “Stilettos and Stockings” theme party this Saturday at Colette. Haven’t been to Colette yet? I’m sure you’ll be satisfied, in all the ways that count, to know that the club has done an admirable job of maintaining their balance on the difficult high-wire that is the fickle and finicky high-end of Dallas’ deviant nightlife. Aside from The Church, there are just so few places left to play for those who value a little subtlety and sophistication with their kink.

Yes, it seems that we have come to an

Thankfully, Colette has stepped up

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to help fill that void and who needs any more impetus than a Stilettos and Stockings theme to entice them to visit this emporium of eroticism? I’m thinking that the eponymous costume should be sufficient, especially since a long coat is de rigueur for this time of year, allowing one to pass unnoticed on the street and let it all hang out once past the coat check. Think of it as a chance to put on a little Cabaret of your own and we can all pretend we haven’t been transported back into the dark ages in the eighty-plus years since some of our great grand-fathers showed the world how to get their freak on in the fabulous films of the twenties. Find your favorite flicks or fantasies in the latest copy of Metro ANE or online at: www.metroane.com Immerse yourself in the sensual suspension of disbelief with a visit to the erotic underground at my blog: eroticunderground.wordpress.com Look for my new book “Adventures in the Erotic Underground: Confessions of a Not So Desperate Housewife” at a preferred purveyor of literary licentiousness. Know of great places or events of interest to women or needing a woman’s perspective? Contact me at eroticunderground@gmail.com

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Arrow Productions Announces Online Vintage Adult Poster Auction

Four of the limited edition poster art pieces have been professionally framed and prepared for the public Internet auction that began today and will run for 10 days, ending Jan. 13 at 11 p.m. EST.

LAS VEGAS — Arrow Productions and Deep Throat Digital announced an online auction beginning today for limited edition original adult film posters from the 1970’s era.

“For the gentleman, pimp or alpha superstar who has everything for their man cave, we invite you to have a look and consider owning a piece of sexual and free speech history in the form of art that can look smashing, even above the perfect couch or easy chairs,” the organizers said.

The companies said that after uncovering a small cache of sexual history artifacts they decided to bring the artwork to market. Pieces include original artwork from “California Gigolo,” two Gail Palmer films and more. The films capture the popularity of the legendary Johnny Wadd actor John C. Holmes.

The Auctionopia platform has been chosen to facilitate the sale that includes built-in social media sharing and instant messaging tools, as well as the use of PayPal “for the

financial security of all parties involved in high value Internet purchases.” A portion of the net auction proceeds from each piece will be donated to an adult entertainment industry supported cause.

According to the organizers, the posters, which were intentionally more “tame” in flavor than their X-rated movie subject matter, used to hang in the glassed-in marquees of the adult walk-in movie theaters that dotted busy streets in major cities across the U.S. and abroad.

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To view items for sale and place a bid, visit AdultMoviePosters.com. For more information about the Deep Throat movies, other Arrow Productions films, vintage content licensing and brand licensing opportunities, as well as the auctions, email : posters@deepthroatdigital.com or visit DeepThroatDigital.com.

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Dallas/Fort Worth METROPLEX’s ADULT News & Entertainment Weekly Print Magazine & Digital Media Marketing Network. The #1 Source for Adult Entertainment INFO in The Dallas / Fort Worth Area. METRO ANE MEDIA Established in 1996. METRO ANE MEDIA: offers extremely affordable yet comprehensive Marketing and Advertising Solutions. These range from high traffic digital online network impressions to extensive physical print distribution outlets. We are a well established weekly adult oriented arts news and entertainment magazine that has been in circulation for over 16 years. METRO ANE MEDIA is faithfully read each week online and on the street by loyal and money wielding readers looking for a wide array of fun adult entertainment. Within the pages of METRO ANE you will find Hot Girls, Hot Places, odd and interesting news, local and national band reviews, gadget news, club & Restaurant reviews, sports news, ADULT DVD news & product reviews, music news, cars, motorcycles, club and event pictorials, Strip Clubs, Burlesque Shows, Extreme Night Life Soirees, ESCORTS, Fetish Fun, Gay Clubs, Tattoo & Body Mod Shops, Adult Video & Novelty Stores, Smoke Shops, and more. EXPECT TO FIND ALL THAT IS HIP, SWANK, and TRENDING. We also OFFER FREE Cover and editorial opportunities to our loyal and frequent advertisers. Readers, photographers and models are also encouraged to submit promotional material. We are truly “The Peoples Press”. Although our magazine does have some nudity, it is solely topless with butt shots that are tastefully “mmm” displayed. Our references to both sexes in the industry is always respectful. Our motto is, “Sometimes naughty, never nasty!” Our print readership is 18,000+ while our ONLINE DIGITAL EDITION has over 50,000 unique readers per week, this does not include our SOCIAL MEDIA and INTERNET NETWORK Presence. We spread your word via TWITTER, FACEBOOK, MYSPACE, EMAIL, and other available internet outlets, which puts us close to 70,000 . We also are continually increasing our readership and market “penetration” through our own print advertising, internet and cell phone marketing campaigns. The METRO ANE MEDIA Print solution is strategically placed in adult businesses, HOTELS, Gentleman’s Clubs & Cabarets, Adult DVD Stores, Novelty & Smoke Shops, Bars & Taverns, Night Clubs, Music Venues, and many other types of adult establishments throughout the Dallas/Fort Worth Metro area.

The METRO ANE MEDIA Digital solution is available via phone, Social Media Sites, E-Readers, Android Devices, Tablets, PC’s, etc. IPad, Iphone, IEverything...... No other weekly or monthly can come close to our ad rates and what we offer our clients. If you want people to know, METRO ANE is where you go. We are the People’s Press

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T H E H A RD SC OR E Throughout each year I receive letters from some in the education community declaring that as a figure writing for the public I have an obligation to my readership of presenting articles that are well written essays. Success at that would thus encourage readers to themselves bear a sense of responsibility towards the English language and thought process. Obviously they’ve never gone to a sports bar with me, or ever. Usually my query back as to their knowledge of the figures whom operate in the sports world ends their drive to save the worlds language. Or at least it backs them off trying to have moi be their Don Quixote for that windmill. Ah, you got it, there’s a but coming. It appears they’ve made a tactical upgrade, which, frankly, I never thought that bit of cunning was in their domain. A challenge has been issued. Yeah, sports guys are prone to accepting challenges, much as we like cold beer. Seems they don’t believe that it’s even possible to tie any form of educated language or thought to sports, and that any attempt by myself would only mangle the process. That all associated with the sports world are, as some phrased, rather bucolic buffaloes. Yeah, yeah, I had to look that up, they’re suggesting we’re country hicks. I have no idea why they used the word buffalo I thought that meant someone got the better of someone, but then I confuse easily. So here’s the drill, I’m going to take one single word, link it to a current sports action, then advance it. But we like to upgrade the game plans. As you know some words have more than one meaning so I’m going to take a word and both its meanings and relate it into the

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same context, in this case Black Monday. Wake. That’s right, as in to follow or ensue, and to gather and grieve. Following the end of their NFL season, some teams fired Head Coaches and General Managers and many got together to hang heads and suck up suds. There’s following and grieving. Ah, but us sporty figures don’t like to just prove a point on the surface, nope, we want to make sure we’ve properly bit into this challenge, so there’s a little more intrigue on the plate. What if a word could have more than two meanings, like it could have four? And that ALL four could be used in the same context? Well, wake can also mean to come alive and to become more, in this case, teams need to wake up and open their eyes, and to get their smarts together. So, following the season several NFL teams fired their Head Coaches and General Managers, whom were deeply saddened by this. The charge is now laid upon these teams to finally come to their senses and smarten up with better personnel and player decisions. For any of you educators still concerned, go find a sports bar, any will do, find out who the local fans are supporting and cheer for the opponents. You’ll discover a whole new aspect to the use of language and thought processes. And have your own wake. Let’s start choppin’ up the firewood. As you know, the 2013 NFL Draft’s top ten teams are the bottom ten of 2012. Of those ten teams, seven fired either the Coach, GM, or both. The three teams not to make a move, or so far, are the Raiders (4-12), Lions (4-12), and Titans (6-10). This was a first year’s staff for Oakland, second year on Tennessee, and fourth year on Detroit.

Prior to this season many thought Oakland was further along, but the fact is, Palmer’s no longer at the starting QB level so the Raiders are rebuilding. Detroit was humming along and should’ve been challenging for the division, but off season antics finally caught up with them and the team imploded. Schwartz gets one more season. Tennessee’s Munchak is building up both lines and his mandate is for 2013.

Where did Andy Reid go wrong with the Eagles to get fired? To answer that look at the Patriots. Yes the winning record, but it’s more than that. Why does New England continue to have success with the same head coach after more than a decade when most coaches lose a team after several years at the helm? And Reid lost that team. Because Belichick rotates out players and coaching staff. Teams with long term players and staff begin to lose “the message” from the head coach, it begins to get stale. With Belichick changing players and coaches out he’s guaranteed to have people who are new to the team’s programs. Can Reid turn the Chiefs around? It depends on who he’s able to surround himself with as far as the new GM and coaches, good draft picks, and if given the time to turn over the roster. Holmgren went from Green Bay to Seattle and almost did it, then went to the Browns and flopped around like a chicken with hits head just cut off. Why did the Jets keep Ryan as head coach and not the GM? It would seem that Ryan wasn’t involved or very involved in bringing Tebow to New York, and that he also wasn’t that involved in the decisions that decimated the offense and defense. He has one year. What’s the Jets biggest problem? Much like Dallas they have an owner that is too intrusive with team decisions. That said, Jerry makes horrible player and coaching decisions while Woody is more interested

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in the headlines of New York and Broadway.

This is the second year of 8-8 ball for Dallas after a couple of decades of not even getting to average, so doesn’t this mean that they’re now on the mend? People are kidding themselves if they believe that. Of this year’s eight wins, only two had winning records, the Bengals at 10-6 and Giants at 9-7. Seven of Dallas’s losses were to winning teams, the Saints being the lone loser at 7-9. If you believe that Jones is the problem for Dallas, just what would it take to correct it, if giving up control of the team isn’t an option? Well, why would Jones continue to make poor decisions on players and coaches? Two reasons here, either his upper tier supporting cast doesn’t know what makes a football team or JJ is choosing to override their input. You have to admit that Dallas suffered an inordinate amount of injuries on the defense, so the questions here is, if the D side stays healthy would that make a difference for next year? With a couple of needs filled, yes. What’s Dallas’s biggest need? On defense they need a starting strong safety and depth. On offense they need two starting wide receivers, a true center, right guard and tackle, and another top running back. They need a better QB Coach, Wilson’s not improved Romo’s game and team leadership. They need a new offensive scheme and coordinator. Why is it that the Colts could do so well with a rookie QB and a significant number of rookies or young players while teams like the Cowboys, Saints, and others struggled so much? Well tell me that a huge number of owners and GM’s aren’t asking that question around the campfires. Coaching sure played a role, and attitude. An offensive system that was pretty ac-

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: TheHardScore : TheHardScore : TheHardScore : curate as to its level of players, and game plans that supported what they did well.

a minimal passing game anyway because the starting QB, Ponder, isn’t effective.

Will the Colts OC, Arians, get a Head Coaching job and can he carry over the success? Let’s face it, for someone with no HC experience he just gave a year long interview. The issue always becomes, always becomes, can an OC or DC move up from developing schemes and plans to running the entire team. Many struggle where he succeeded. It probably was the best situation for him to be in, not because of the players, but because he basically got a free hold of the reins. He did extremely well. I hope he stays with Indy, unless he was asked to take over the Cowboys.

The Bengals visiting the Texans was a competition between two teams not knowing how to play at the NFL level. Cincy’s QB, Dalton, was seen several times on the sidelines laughing and having a good relaxed time of it. This is why Coach Lewis needs to be cut loose, he has no idea of how to run personnel. Dalton was having what would generously be described as a poor performance and yet on the sidelines he showed no commitment to the team, game, or his desire to win. That’s not being a second year player, that’s being unconcerned about the NFL.

Should Shanahan have pulled RGIII earlier in that game against the Seahawks? The question that’s really on the table is the old one, do you win at all costs? It depends on what the costs are. Griffin had a knee injury while in college at Baylor. He was taken out of a game and missed a game with a knee injury and was obviously impaired against Seattle. Would I have removed Griffin? Yes. Knees and football aren’t known to be the best of friends. That, and the offensive scheme they run with RGIII is effective because of what he does with the running option. When that went away so did any tactical advantage it held. When he muffed a snap deep in his own end of the field he couldn’t recover it because he couldn’t move. Seattle recovers and scores. And there’s this, Griffin’s at his best while running and observing defensive reactions, when that was taken away as a rookie he lost effectiveness at reading and reacting. Did he keep the score close? No, the rest of the Redskins offensive and defense did. Did the wild card round meet expectations? Sure, if sorry was the level of play you were looking for, especially Saturday’s lineup. Minnesota didn’t stand a chance once QB Ponder was ruled out and they had to go to a very unprepared Webb. Why Coaches won’t spend more time preparing the backup in a league that few starters complete a whole season is beyond me. That came back to bite the Vikings big time. Even more so considering they had

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Sunday’s matchup between the Colts and Ravens was a step up but only because Saturdays games had been so bad. If the Ravens goes to the Broncos with that attitude and play you can bet when they leave they’ll have hoof prints imbedded deep into their skulls. My sense was that Indy lost the game simply because of the defensive experience of Baltimore, which the Colts will improve on next year. Obviously the best game of the four, the Seahawks and Redskins finally brought some excitement to the weekend. Seattle struggles on the road, happens with some teams, and they misfired more than they wanted. But they’re game controlled time of possession and kept the ‘Skins offense off the field. Good stuff. NFL Divisional Round Saturday January 12 3:30 CST Ravens at Broncos Baltimore’s traveling to face a Denver team that’s steadily improved throughout the season. The Ravens have been becoming inconsistent. Peyton Manning’s been drilling game discipline into the offensive heads and the defense has come along for the ride. Flacco’s not convinced anyone except his mirror that he’s an elite QB. If Baltimore’s got any kind of a chance it will have to be taking down Manning and Flacco pushing back the secondary, both a difficult proposition. 7:00 CST Packers at 49ers Now you get to see if Harbaugh’s move from Smith to Kaepernick was brilliant

or moldy fudge. Against that San Francisco defense Green Bay’s Rodgers has no choice, he has to penetrate the middle and cut the seams. His O line needs to have their best game of the season protecting him while his receivers work to get open. The 49ers need to avoid trying to be a pass first squad and get a time consuming running game going.

adding to his game.

Sunday January 13 Noon CST Seahawks at Falcons

The West’s Warriors sitting in the five spot is almost as surprising. Ah, hell, it is as surprising. There can’t be any living thing on the planet that saw that coming. I like what the Rockets are doing, and staying steady with it. 20-14, sixth spot, with Lin and Harden meshing well. They show a good support group and stay focused. If they finish in the top eight they might take a series or two.

This will be a major test for Atlanta and Ryan. Major. Their passing attack is going up against arguably the best cornerback tandem in the league, not just the NFC. The passing game will also suffer from the defense having to stay on the field trying to stop Seahawks running back Lynch. Seattle QB Wilson is a rookie but he’s faced down some of the best defenses out there this year so he goes into this calmer than most expect. If Atlanta is to win this they have to produce a running game. 3:30 CST Texans at Patriots A Wade Phillips defense going mano y mano against a Belichick devised offense, man, this should be great. Houston’s problem is that its offense forgot who and what they are. Foster did ok against the Bengals but that was the only highlight. If Schaub doesn’t get his head together fans better hope Kubiak has got backup TJ Yates prepared. Brady thrives on playing in January in New England on frozen turf with a frozen ball. I don’t think it freezes in Houston. NBA There’s some great questions in the standings this year, like who thought the Clippers would be in the Wests number one slot as we push the halfway mark? Actually I never thought I’d type that, let alone see it. I figured LAC to be good this year, inside the top ten, and maybe that’s where they finish, but leading the West? Not only that, they have a better record than any team in the Eastern Conference. I knew Chris Paul would improve them even more his second year with them, but I never figured that Blake Griffin would do anything more than dunk. He doesn’t do much more, but he’s

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Maybe the biggest slap in the face out there is Lamar Odom with LAC and pushing his season. His entire time with the Mavericks was totally bogus and he should have to pay back every penny and be suspended for a year for conduct detrimental to the league.

Miami’s leading the East, but not by as much many expected. The surprise team has to be the Knicks, with Stoudemire and Anthony playing nice so far. The fun team has to be the Nets, especially when they play the Knicks. They’re sitting in two and six respectively and that may qualify for the electric shock of the year. The Hawks, Bulls, and Pacers are steady in three thru five, but questions remain about all three after last year. A question that keeps hanging around concerns the Mav’s and if their play, or lack thereof, is a surprise? My take is if anybody really believed what Cuban and Nelson were shoveling out, right alongside the players they shoveled out, then they need medical attention. And we know what kind, don’t we. Memphis keeps getting our attention but with last year’s late collapse, people aren’t buying their play now. Can the Denver Nuggets make a run? No. They are a solid middle of the road team. NHL Allegedly they start play January 19 for a potential 48 game regular season. Half a season gone and a one week training camp tells you what the on ice product will be like. And the Stanley Cup will be the joke the owners and players have made it.

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orilla gadgets odd : cool : interesting : insane stuff!

About Johnny Blades Im a guy for all intent and purpose should of never made it to the top.. I have had roadblock after roadblock after roadblock thrown in my way but, not only did i get past those roadblocks. I did it while flipping off the people that put up those roadblocks. I started this a little over a year ago with no help and no money.. The people that doubted me the most were my friends... family and Ex’s....Now i have sold over 1k necklaces ..a location on the strip in a casino and more shops opening, 4 websites and a roster of celeb clients.. I am technically best in the world in my field... and I will use this to expand and make a CHANGE Im tired of seeing “artist” buy there fame ..producing 1 thing a year partying, fuking, drinking having respect tossed at there feet for no reason I work 7 days a week 140 hours A week to be the best in the world in my field and I will continue to do this till I get the respect that I deserve This isn’t about money..girls or fame hell its not even about my happiness anymore its about RESPECT. With his art, Johnny Blades has been able to inspire a multitude of fans and celebrities. His art has been showcased in various locations in Las Vegas

With his art, Johnny Blades has been able to inspire a multitude of fans and celebrities. Peak into the creative mind of Artist Johnny Blades. Custom pieces can start at an amazing price of $40. Give Johnny an idea of what you would like how much you got to spend and let the artist do his magic!

www.facebook.com/bladesartistry contact@johnnyblasesart.com

1-800-306-9672 www.johnnybladesart.com

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End of the World Party 12-21-12 Taken at The Clubhouse by DV8 Photo

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Emilie Autumn appearing at The Door Club 2513 Main Street Deep Ellum, Dallas, TX 75226 All Ages Fight Like A Girl...then eradicate the enemy. World-class violinist. Fashion icon. Famously bipolar. The list goes on, but one thing is certain: We’re talking about Emilie Autumn.

orchestrations, hard-core beats, and menacing lyrics growled with enough intensity to make your hair stand on end, the resulting noise is a harpsichordheavy romp through Victorian asylums where screaming is allowed and girls always get revenge. 2010 saw the release of Emilie’s debut autobio-

day psych ward and Victorian insane asylum in this true life thriller of madness, murder, and medical experimentation. 2011 will held the recording of her new album entitled ‘Fight Like A Girl,’ extensive touring, and the launching of Emilie’s Asylum Emporium asylumemporium.com, where one can find everything from music, apparel, and books to show tickets and organic, loose-leaf teas.

graphical novel, “The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls.” Lavishly illustrated by EA and weighing in at nearly five pounds, “The Asylum...” book is more than a gorgeous volume that will take up most of the space on your tea table -- it is also one of the most complete accounts of bipolar disorder ever penned, and will take readers behind the doors of both modern

www.emilieautumn.com Description The best cup of English Breakfast tea spiked with cyanide and smashed on your antique wallpaper. Band Interests Tea & Crumpets. And Blood. Yours.

We’ll stop now before this gets any weirder... Learn more about Emilie Autumn at

With appearances on Leno and Letterman, glossy magazine covers, and guest spots on the albums of such artists as Courtney Love, Otep, Billy Corgan, and TV’s ‘Metalocalypse’ under her corset strings, Emilie Autumn’s devilishly dark lyrics, metal-shredding violin solos, and industrial-strength voice reinvent “gothic” for the masses, and goths have never had so much fun. More akin to a Broadway musical than a standard rock performance, the Los Angeles-born starlet’s highly theatrical stage show is a sexy circus of glam-rock burlesque, backed by a scantily-clad girl band known to EA’s devoted fans as the Bloody Crumpets. Featuring EA’s signature electric violin pyrotechnics, heartbreakingly lush

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: : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : Escorts : : experience, THE DEVIL’S CARNIVAL. With their signature tastes for horror flicks and rock ‘n’ roll, Bousman and Zdunich have fired up an underworld unlike any other in this genre-bending, groundbreaking new film series. In THE DEVIL’S CARNIVAL, sinners are invited to a theme park where they endure the repetition of their transgressions. Lucifer and his colorful cast of singing carnies guide these lost souls through their wild, warped amusement park.

Charlie Sheen and Bill Murray went retro for their newest film project -they star in the 1970s-themed R-rated

Episode one features twelve original songs, written by Zdunich and Saar Hendelman, performed by a star-studded assembly of actors and musicians, and directed by Bousman. Drawing comparisons from TALES FROM THE CRYPT and GLEE, who can’t help but fall for THE DEVIL’S CARNIVAL? Lost souls are forced to play out the repetition of their sins as archetypes in Aesop’s fables, at the

comedy movie by Roman Coppola, the son of famed director Francis Ford Coppola.

Come one, come two, come YOU! You can’t help but fall for THE DEVIL’S CARNIVAL!

The film, "A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III" is set to hit select theaters and will also be made available as a VOD on iTunes, starting on January 8. Roman directed and wrote the screenplay for the movie, which is set in the 1970s. This marks the first big-screen leading role for Sheen in more than 10 years.

After the triumphant collaboration on 2008’s REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA, a film hailed by The Hollywood Reporter as “the next Rocky Horror Picture Show”, director Darren Lynn Bousman and writer/actor Terrance Zdunich had no where to go but down. ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HELL. These showbiz black sheep invite

you to dive into the ashes with them on their newest musical movie

whims of a demonic band of entertainers and workers in a carnival run by none other than the Devil, himself. GET YOUR TICKETS! FORM A LINE! Dying to see the devilish deviance for yourself? Order your Ringmaster Edition DVD/Blu-ray of THE DEVIL’S CARNIVAL from TheDevilsCarnival.com! Over three hours of extras, including a behindthe-scenes look at Hell, never-before seen footage, and audio commentaries with the cast and crew! Be there...or BE DAMNED!

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He plays Charles Swan, a womanizer whose life is turned upside down after his girlfriend, played by Katheryn Winnick, dumps him. Roman's cousin, Jason Schwartzman, plays his best friend and Murray, who has worked with him before, plays his manager. Patricia Arquette stars as his sister. "A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III" is rated R for language and some nudity. Sheen, Murray and Schwartzman sport some serious 1970s looks -- the former two have sideburns and the latter actor is seen with wild, curly hair and a full mustache and beard. The three also wear cowboy outfits in one scene, with Schwartzman's bearing a Star of David, a Jewish symbol. Giddy' is a weird word, but I'm delighted I get to be the one who puts Charlie back on the screen where he deserves to be."

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slogan was “We survived the Mayan Apocalypse of 12-21-12”, but on the back was a picture of Uncle Sam pushing a guy into the Grand Canyon with the slogan, “Only to have our government throw us over the Fiscal Cliff on 1-1-13” ** I made a very poor new years resoha,ha,ha,ha,ha lution last year when I resolved to go jogging every night. The probGiggle, Grin, Groan lem was, the ice kept falling out of submitted by: W. R. Maxwell Remember, send your funny jokes to my cocktail. ** wr_maxwell@hotmail.com and your bad jokes to A toast for New Years Eve ; May wr_maxwell@hotmail.com all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions! Things were looking up for this one * * old Arkansas moonshiner. BusiDid you notice how all the optimists ness was so good, he started selling stayed up ‘til midnight to see in the his home brew in crockery instead new year and and the pessimists did of mason jars. The moonshiner's the same to see the old year out. daughter was very proud of her ** father's success. When she made The little ice chest said to the 20 deliveries, she'd carry 2 one gallon cubic foot refrigerator “Hey man, containers and say “How do you I know you’re jealous ‘cause I’m a like my new jugs?” The teenage son little cooler.” of one of a customer said, “They ** look pretty good, but bring 'em over While waiting in my psychiatrist’s here and let’s see how they taste.” office I over heard one of his pa*** tients say, “Of course I talk to How is a call-girl who travels back myself - I sometimes need expert and forth between customers in advice.” New York and Miami like a Charles * * * Dickens novel? (they are both a My psychiatrist teats all kinds. The 'Tail of Two Cities.') other day a guy barges into his of*** fice covered only in Saran Wrap. He Uncle Hugh started a small night says to the shrink “I’ve felt so weird club in the late 50s. He was so unlately, Doc, can you tell me what’s der capitalized, he could only afford wrong?” The doctor replied, “Well, to hire 2 bunnies, but everything I can clearly see your nuts!” worked out fine – you know how *** rabbits multiply. For the fellow who wants to pick-up *** dyslexic chick, I suggest to followThree guys were all bragging about ing T-shirt slogan. “Hey baby, I got their manly equipment. One guys a dig bick” said his was like a foot-long hotdog, * * * the other said his was like a kielbasa Did you know, 6 out of 7 dwarves – long and curved. The third said are not Happy? But only 1 out of 7 his was like a fire breathing reptile – dwarves are Grumpy? always a dragon. *** *** At the airport this weekend, the line Which are better; hormones or for skydiving lessons was a block vitamins? Hormones, 'cause you long. The owner of the jump school don't need vitamins if you can make said “It’s because everyone wants a hor-mone. a parachute. After the government *** pushes us off the fiscal cliff every(Another dirty limerick) A fruitone will need one.” eating fellow named Terry, Was ** eating a peach beside Mary, He said An old Italian Mafia Don is dying “it tastes very good, I'd eat more if I and he called his grandson to his could, But I prefer them more fuzzy bed where he says, “Grandson I than hairy. want you to have my 45 automatic *** pistol, so you will always rememYou know sexual promiscuity is out ber me.” The grand son says, “But of control when the maternity shop grandpa I really don’t like guns. has dresses in junior’s sizes. How about you leaving me your *** Rolex watch instead?” The gangster Girls at a catholic school are a direplies, “You listen to me, some day verse group. One girl may nibble at your going to a be running the famithe forbidden fruit, and another may ly business. Some day your going to devour it core and all, but the nuns have a beautiful wife, lots of money, don't understand any of this because a big home and some day you going they’ve never seen the tree. to come home and maybe find your *** wife in bed with another man. What I saw an ironically funny T-shirt. are you going to do then? Point your On the front there was a picture of watch at him and say, TIMES UP?” a Mayan stepped pyramid and the

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Banned Words (here we go again)

passion and/or passionate, YOLO — you only live once.

This story contains the 12 words and phrases proposed for banishment from the English language, as nominated by Lake Superior State University. These words and phrases have been elected to this list of shame due to their misuse, over use, and general uselessness. They are ;

Past lists haven’t eradicated words like “awesome,” “viral,” “amazing,” ‘’LOL” or “man cave” from everyday use, but there has been a reduction in the frequency of use, according to LSSU’s viral newsflash from their amazingly awesome man-cave (LOL).

Spoiler alert, kick the can down the road, trending, bucket list, fiscal cliff, superfood, guru, job creators and/or creation, double down, boneless wings,

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

Personally, I think the students at LSSU have a brain freeze and have ignored the most obnoxious, over used, oxymoronic, offensive and completely inaccurate phrase in existence - “Congressional Leaders” of course some would argue that “Bur-Oak Oh-Bammer” is more oxymoronic, offensive and obnoxious, but those 75% of Americans have been largely marginalized by the socialist media.

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