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STOP! Don’t Touch That Top! There is so much sexy stripper dancewear to choose from that it can make you crazy! Most dancers have resources from the Internet, their local adult and lingerie stores or even at their club! Weather you’re buying in the virtual world or in real life, there are three main

types of dancewear to choose from. 1. Formal Gowns 2. Traditional Dancewear 3. Lingerie I’m Jennifer McCumber, author of Freedom V, feature columnist for ED Publications and I’m leading the movement for Exotic Dancer Education across the globe. We explored all of the pieces of these three categories and how to mix and match them appropriately in our last article called, Dominate with your Dancewear: Why Choosing Your Outfits at the Club can Make or Break Your Career! Today we are going to dive into Club Wear Tops specifically – and in the weeks to come. There are a few important key points you should always consider when choosing a clubwear top as part of your sexy stripper dancewear wardrobe! First impressions are everything in business, and this industry is no exception, so be daring and show what you’ve got! If you want to look slimmer, wear black, as it is thinning. Neon colors (green, yellow, pink, orange) also have a slimming effect and make you really stand out in the black light, especially if you have a good tan! Now there is the issue of how “well endowed” up top that you are! If you’ve ever had small boobs like

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I used to have before I had breast augmentation – you are constantly trying to find things that will make you look like you have cleavage! And if you are medium sized to very busty – you are always trying to find things that will make what you have look GREAT in relation to the rest of your body and how your outfit looks overall!

From my experience as a stripper and trying on countless stripper clothes, there are a few different kinds of cuts of club wear tops that you can choose from. There are so many actual types of tops that I have chosen to narrow it down to categories referring to the shape of the cut and how it affects your Décolletage, a term in fashion referring to the upper part of a woman’s torso, between her waist and neck, comprising her neck, shoulders, back and chest, that is exposed by the style of her clothing. However, the term is most commonly applied to a neckline that reveals or emphasizes cleavage. Here are the four categories of club wear tops: 1. 2. 3. 4.

Halter Tops Bra Tops Tube Tops Convertible Tops

All four of these types of tops can make your cleavage and upper torso look GREAT if you wield them correctly! Watch out for this video series as we will explore each top in the coming videos, how to wear them and the best places to get them! For more information about what it takes to be successful as today’s exotic dancer go to www.How-toStrip.com and download our free book, Champagne Every Night: the Myths Keeping You from Making Over $200,000 in your first year as an Exotic Dancer. Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Weird News and other Strange Stuff collected by W.R. Maxwell This last Sunday in Dubuque, Iowa, Jerald Reiter, was backing his car out of the Dog House Lounge parking lot when the police stopped him. Mr. Reiter had a zebra in the back seat and a macaw parrot on his shoulder, which would not normally aroused suspicions in Iowa. But the police observed Reiter’s car driving erratically. When questioned by the police, Reiter explained he was teaching his friend to drive and indicated the zebra. The breathalyzer registered 0.14% (nearly double the legal limit). When asked if he really expected a zebra to drive the car, Reiter said “zebra? I thought he was a referee.” ******** A couple is suing the landlord of their three-bedroom house in Toms River, New Jersey claiming it’s haunted. They fled the house in March after staying only one week and want their $2,250 security deposit back. They claim the ghosts would turn light switches on and off, throw clothes from closets and mysteriously tugging at the bed sheets during the night . NJ Paranormal Investigators (Ghost Busters?), say their investigation shows that the house is the site of a “level one haunting” – not dangerous but potentially frightening. Father Terence Sullivan of St. Mary’s Church of North Brunswick counseled the family through the ordeal and even performed an exorcism of the house, but to no avail. The “demonic possession,” was too strong said the priest. Richard Lopez, who owns the house, claims that the couple

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knew of the specter living in the house at the time they rented it and his attorney says none of the previous renters were spooked by the spook. The couple claims their lives would be in mortal danger if they moved back into the house and they were briefly hospitalized for panic attacks associated with their experiences inside the home. Is there any truth to their claim? You be the judge - the house is just up the street from the house used in the filming of the The Amityville Horror. ******** Twenty-seven-year-old Russian millionaire Pavel Durov has lots of money. So much so that he folds some of his fortune into little paper airplanes and sails them into the crowd of shopper on Neveski Street, in St. Petersburg. Mr. Durov is the CEO/Czar of Vkontakte, or “In Contact,” Russia’s most popular social networking site and considered that country’s equivalent to Facebook. Last week he launched a dozen gliders made of 5,000-ruble bank notes, each worth about $160. Durov stopped throwing the cash planes from his office window after some spectators appeared to turn violent and when Russian Police started arresting the members in the crowd who caught the money. Said an un-named Russian official, ‘if Durov want to throw money aways, he first must to get permit from Russian Government and pay the traditional parties who confer such permits.’ (translation; Durov has to pay bribes to give away money.) Still, Durov apparently neglected to take personal responsibility for the crowd’s response and even promised that ‘definitely, more such actions are to follow.’ Durov, who is worth an estimated $260 million, recently published a political

manifesto that included his ideas on how to improve Russia’s economy. According to Business Insiders, two of those ideas include abolishing Russia’s national currency and allowing private individuals and corporations interests to purchase state land (a novel idea in the former Soviet Union). ********* Police in North Port, Florida, say a man was arrested for robbery after uploading pictures to Facebook showing him posing with a wad of cash and a gun. Jovan Cummings, 24, and his girlfriend, Nicole Catherine Eaton, 22, were arrested for robbing a Dollar General in March of $3,000 after assaulting one store employee and binding him with duct tape stolen from Dollar Tree across the street. Sarasota detectives looking at the surveillance video of the robbery, suspected Cummings and Eaton were the crime duo, but the conclusive proof came from the thieve’s Facebook page. The postings showed him wearing the exact same hat as worn by the store robber and showed him brandishing a handgun exactly like the one used in the robbery. “Had the criminals bragged about their heist on twitter, we wouldn’t have gotten the photo evidence”, said one detective. *********** A 2-year-old boy, Kelvin Santos, suffered cardiac arrest on Tuesday and was declared dead at the Aberlardo Hospital in Belem, Brazil. Doctors noted the child was unconscious and unresponsive. During the funeral on Wednesday, the family was greatly surprise when the little boy came back to life, sat upright and asked for a glass of water. People started shouting and screaming and the boy again lapsed into unconsciousness. The family returned Santos to the hospital where he was declared

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dead a second time. The family waited for a miracle, but the boy never returned to consciousness again. No treatment of the child was rendered, since he had officially died the previous day. “Dead people don’t just wake up and talk,” said the boy’s father. “I’m determined to find out the truth.” The family filed a malpractice suit against the hospital, but it is unclear if the alleged medical mistake occurred on Tuesday when the child was originally treated for bronchial pneumonia or on Wednesday when the kid was not treated at all. *********** The McClatchy High School in Sacramento, California, has banned 30 students from graduation ceremonies for vandalizing school property. Principal Peter ‘Pan’ Eaton said the seniors were banned from receiving their ceremonial diplomas at the Friday graduation after they ‘redecorated’ the school Sunday night with peanut butter and toilet paper. Said the principal, “This was more than a prank, since several of our students have peanut allergies. The mess left by these juvenile delinquents may cost more than $5,000 to clean-up and replacing the ruined rolls of toilet paper will cost another $1,000.” He said he called the families of all the students and warned them to bring their own T.P. to class and to stay away from school altogether if they are sensitive to peanut butter - either creamy or crunchy. The school’s resource management department is involved, “but it is unlikely we can replace the toilet paper before next fall,” said a school district spokes person. Meanwhile, the culprits had the peanutty mess cleaned up by Wednesday using large quantities of grape jelly and 30 loaves of stale bread from the school cafeteria.

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Adventures in the Erotic Underground ™ With The Not So Desperate Housewife

Hey kids, it’s me Mardi, “The Not So Desperate Housewife”, wondering why even the simplest things can be turned into something complicated and expensive. For most of human history, having a drink was one of life’s simple pleasures. The cafes of Europe and public houses scattered throughout the U.K. were places where people gathered to enjoy friendly conversation, an inexpensive glass of regional or pint of their best and maybe a bite to tide you over. Unfortunately, in this country we have always been so insecure about our frontier pedigree that we have a tendency to try, too hard, to show the rest of the world that we are as cosmopolitan and sophisticated as we think that they are. Even in Paris you typically don’t find the ridiculously expensive, overwrought wine lists with their almost comical descriptions of the wines that have sprouted up like weeds in every restaurant, bistro and bar here in the States. Seems everyone is a wine expert these days even though most of what is served is barely passable, irrespective of what “grade” it received from the wine guides (by the way, since when did Americans let someone else tell them what they should like!) And don’t think the priggishness is reserved just for the wine. I have seen more and more beer lists with equally imbecilic descriptions (and prices) cropping up as brewers continue to seek to fill the gap left by the tasteless, beer-water that most domestic producers try to pawn off on us. To top it all, lounges have got in on the act and commonly have long lists of overly dramatic creations referenced by the absurd title of “artisanal” cocktails. Geez, really; what hasn’t been labeled METRO ANE

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“artisanal” these days? While I do find it encouraging that now I can often order a “Tom Collins” or a “Singapore Sling” without the bartender running to look it up, it is really irritating that lounges are now staffed by “mixologists” wearing hipster headgear. To all those who mix and serve, bartending is an honorable profession traditionally staffed by keen observers of the human condition who know what you’re going to order before you do; fancy titles and goofy hats are not what make them good at their job. So, if you’re as tired as I am of all the pseudo-sophisticate b.s. and prefer your drinks strong and simple and your bartenders without silly hats, come with me for a brief tour of some of DFWs finest dives, because sometimes you want to go where nobody knows your name. I know I will miss some of your favorites but we will have to keep this to a manageable few that truly embody the simple pleasures of a good old-fashioned bar and no survey of our area’s dives would be complete without a few of the much-heralded and longest-lived examples to be found anywhere: Ships Lounge, Adair’s Saloon, Club Schmitz and the Lakewood Landing. Ships Lounge is one of the oldest bars in Dallas. It has been around so long that without redecorating, probably since they opened, it is hip again. As a matter of fact, the decidedly lounge-y look has probably been in and out of fashion a half-dozen times in the roughly five decades it has inhabited this dark, quiet little strip of haute-architecture (Dallas style). Weekdays, Ships has a dimly-lit, mind your own business feel that lets you know you could probably walk through the place naked and nobody would give you a second glance. Take it from someone who has actually walked through a bar naked (hey, I lost a bet okay?) most good dives don’t ask questions. edy to being too hip. Adair’s Saloon has been around almost as long as Ships and has a similar feeling of being the kind of place that doesn’t change because it doesn’t have to. Adair’s has great burgers and music but still retains that old-school feeling of being a neighborhood place in spite of its popularity and changes to the neighborhood. Club Schmitz, like Adair’s, is probably as well known as a place to eat, their burgers are legendary, as it is a place drink. But when you’ve had enough of Uptown, Club Schmitz is a welcome rem-

without disrespecting the timehonored traditions of a cool, dark The Lakewood Landing needs no place where you can mind your introduction and was probably the p’s and q’s and nobody else will. first real dive that many dedicated drinkers ever visited. It’s accessi- Find all the hip places, with or bility in a not-scary area of town without the hipsters, in the latest makes it one of the few dives Metro or go to www.metroane.com where a car-jacking on the way to or from is a low enough probability to inspire some of the less Questions, comments or suggestions? Know of great places or adventurous to try it. events of interest to women or Even though it doesn’t quite have that need a woman’s perspective? the same unbroken history as the others, Lee Harvey’s deserves an Contact me at: honorable mention for reinventing the dive in a way that ap- eroticunderground@gmail.com peals to our modern sensibilities

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Latex Moms Source: PR 101

by: Company Press Release Under the masterful eye of Jim Powers, latex clings to a new form. Backed by Mike Hunt Inc., Powers creates a fresh twist on a kinky fetish. Mike Hunt Inc. presents “Latex Moms,” a Jim Powers Film, starring Alana Evans, Nicki Hunter, Angel Attison, and Angelica Raven. This is by far one of the best and nastiest MILF DVDs ever released! Mike Hunt Inc. has out done themselves. Even down to the cover art this is an exceptional

DVD - do not pass this title up! The movie stars the insatiable Nicki Hunter as a nasty latex wearing housewife that just wants to get fucked as hard and dirty as humanly possible. Watch as these soft spoken suburban moms transform into foul-mouth latex wearing whores. This movie will satisfy even the most jaded of porn fans. With financial tough times upon us, beautiful divorcee Alana Evans develops an interesting enterprise catering to the desires and fetishes of the professional men in her neighborhood to pay the bills. Realtor Evan Stone goes over to Alana’s house for tea. He chats her up about selling the house, but she reveals her new enterprise — she’s offering a cleaning service with some of the other wives in the neighborhood.

Next scene has Alana clean and tease in latex while her client watches from the couch. It doesn’t take much seduction to get these willing participants together when the smell of latex turns them both on. Alana’s synthetic skin enhances the sensuality of her scene ending with her stroking his cum on to her tongue. Angela Attison is a beautiful MILF with perfect tits who makes her fetishistic surrogate slave scrub the floor dressed in latex and wearing a gas mask. She tires of his toil and commandeers his body for her own lustful latex purposes.

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When asked about Latex Moms, Jim Powers said, “During the mortgage meltdown the recession has real estate prices upside down. These enterprising wives keep their houses by running a latex cleaning service. They keep the American status quo by servicing perverted

neighborhood dads.” “Latex Moms” ships June 13 and will street June 20. The DVD has four full scenes. Trailers for “MILF bound,” “Look Mom My First Black Penis,” “Massaged Oiled and Fucked,” “Big Titty Massage,” “The Interrogation Room,” “College Girls,” and “It Was Always You” are included, as well as an interview of each Latex Mom. To order “Latex Moms” and any other titles from Mike Hunt Productions, please contact Danny Gorman at 818-280-3700 or danny@xxxjuicy.com. About Mike Hunt Productions:

Nicki Hunter starts things off with cleaning, flirting, and a come-on that Evan can’t resist. She cleans more than the counters — she cleans his pipes! With an incredible amount of spit this MILF gives him a sloppy wet blowjob then has wet, shiny, latex sex with him before taking his pop on her mouth.

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Angelica Raven is in bed wearing her second skin. She is dressed for pleasure. Evan is surprised to find her in his bed but the sight of her is more than any man could resist! They ravage each other, wet and sloppy. Angelica ends the scene by rubbing his cock all over her face.

Mike Hunt Productions, a new company created by the Hunt Brothers, Mike and Urick Hunt, bring you extreme fetish content, gaming parodies, and romance films. After tiring of their Oklahoma-based businesses dealing in the precious metals and oil markets, the Hunts shopped around and found Jim Powers and Ralph Long to exclusively film their depraved visions. Jim Powers said of the Hunt brothers, “Ralph and I realized they love fucking all the prostitutes and they said, ‘Money is no object, just spend, spend, spend!’ I guess what I’ve done in the past fits their vision…. They want to take over the entire porn industry one whore at a time, and they said, ‘Just go nuts and pick up girls off the streets and film them.’ Mike and Urick rarely come by the set, sometimes they’ll ask us to let a girl stay after a shoot if it goes past 12 and they send a limo over and bring her back to whatever hotel they’re in… often times they will tag team the girls.” Mike and Urick say, “If it ain’t Mike Hunt it ain’t worth a fuck!”

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ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Giggle, Grin, Groan submitted by: W. R. Maxwell

Remember, send your funny jokes to wr_maxwell@hotmail.com and your bad jokes to wr_maxwell@hotmail.com

The new teacher at the one room school house had all the students stand and tell her their names. One kid was a really smart-ass and said his name was ‘Harry Wort, Jr.’ The next day, the teacher asked the RFD postman is there was a Harry Wort on his delivery route. The postman said, ‘No ma’am, but there is a Hugh Mole and a Nast E. Pimpleton on my route.’ ******* A little girl asks her mom, ‘where do good girls go?’ The mother replied, ‘to heaven.’ The little girl then asks, ‘where do bad girls go?’ The mother replied, ‘to men’s apartments.’ ******** ‘Why did god make elephants with their trunks in the front?’ asked the science teacher at a Baptist academy. From the back of the room, little Johnny shouts, ‘Because an elephant would look pretty

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silly shoving peanuts up his butt.’ ******** A poem ; Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, With a neighbor girl named Mary, He stuck in his thumb but found no plum, Instead all he got was her cherry. ********* At the institute for sex research, at 8 o’clock, you can’t tell the subjects from the psychologists, but at 5 o’clock the psychologists are the only ones NOT walking bowlegged. ********* A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey and his neighbor was a witness for the prosecution. On the stand, the attorney asks, ‘did you ever get whiskey from him?’ ‘Oh no’ said the neighbor. The attorney asks, ‘did you ever get any from his wife?’ ‘Oh no’ said the neighbor. Then the attorney asks, ‘did you ever get any from his daughter?’ The neighbor turns to the judge and asks, ‘are we still talking about moonshine?’ ********** The way to clean a topless bathing suit is with your tongue. ********* A fellow’s t-shirt slogan ; BRA INSPECTOR – nothing too large for us to handle. ******** Potluck – finding just enough toilet paper on the roll. *******

Another t-shirt slogan ; Sex is too good to be bad. ******* A girl I know studied hard, graduated from college, then went to New York, where she met a producer and got the star roll in a big musical. It took her 4 years to get a sheep-skin and only 1 night to get a mink. ******** Chasing women can ruin a man’s health, but it all depends on how many he catches. ******** An 8 year old reasoned that his father was very bashful, because if he wasn’t he’d be 10 by now. ********* Sadie came home and when she undressed, her roommate Jeanne, noticed a letter ‘C’ on her tummy. Sadie explained, ‘I was out with Charlie tonight and it must be from his belt buckle.’ The next night Sadie came home and undressed and Jeanne said, ‘Tonight you have a letter ‘F’ on your tummy.’ Sadie replied, ‘tonight Frank and I had a date and it must be from his belt buckle.’ The next night Sadie had an ‘F’ and a ‘C’ on her stomach. Jeanne said, ‘let me guess – you had a date with Frank and Charlie.’ Sadie replied, ‘No. I had a date with the Fire Chief and he must have forgotten to take off his helmit.’ ******** If all the girls in the world were little

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blades of grass, would all the boys be grass hoppers? ******** A nymphomaniac is any girl who likes sex more than you do. ******** Next time you meet a girl with a major in English, ask her ‘what is the past tense of Virgin.’ ******** Guys, to keep your prostate in shape you need to sexercise. ******** Why a man wants a wife is a big mystery, but why a man wants two wives is a bigamystery. ******** An orchestra conductor asked the callgirl if she liked Mozart and she replied ‘I don’t know, I never played his magic flute.’ ******** A pretty young thing was found dead in a cheap motel room and the cops were questioning the fellow who rented the room. The detective points at the body and asks the fellow, ‘Did you have a hand in this?’ to which he replied ‘No officer, I swear, it was only 3 fingers.’ ******** A limerick ; There was a young whore in Madrid, Whom the fellas could have for a quid, But a bastard Italian, Built more like a stallion, Said he’d do it for nothing – and did. ******** go to page 19

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THE HARD SCORE How does someone see the exact very same thing as you and describe it differently?

is very justifiable. At slow motion I could have made a case for 9-3, but slo-mo isn’t a great tool for overall ring fight scoring.

There are some reasonable situations, for example when a person’s view is all or partially blocked. Viewed from a different angle. Or the speed. Or suddenness. Or unexpectedness. Possibly young and don’t know how to communicate well.

Judges Ford and Ross went with Bradley and Roth with Pacquiao.

Or they’re goofing around or deliberately lying. But when none of those factors are there, what would cause not just a difference of opinion but a belief that what they’re describing is the truth? They’re either an idiot or incompetent. Now, where do YOU stand on the results of the Pacquiao v Bradley fight? First I watched it at normal speed, then all the way at slow motion. After that I took out the seven rounds that I feel were uncontestably Pacquiao, which effectively gives him the fight right there, and looked into the five I thought Bradley had a chance for. I looked at it from a boxing point of view for control of the fight (ring management), effectiveness of tactics from defense and offense, accuracy of punches, damage, deliberate or accuracy of damage, and managed or targeted aggression. I think a critical point here is speed of action for the referee’s and Judges immediacy of decision making. No instant replay, no stopping the action for the ref to get a peek on the monitor. What’s called and rated stands. When I watched it at speed I easily made it 7-5 Pacquiao. Frankly, 8-4

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Promoter Bob Arum, who manages both fighters, is calling for the Nevada Attorney General to investigate the results. He says there won’t be, for now anyway, the rematch that was already scheduled. You know what that is? Pure grandstanding. Unless an investigation could uncover any sort of criminal interference, it’s done. The Nevada Boxing Commission is not going to vacate a decision simply because two of three Judges were idiots and incompetent with their decisions. Who loses? Boxing as a whole and what fans are left trying to support it. Do you really have to ask why mixed martial arts are becoming more and more popular? It’s also a case for why hockey’s recovering from the year long strike and wasted season. People want to see action based and action packed sports. The only real problem the NHL has is the league and owners don’t have the foggiest idea of how to market their product. In Dallas the Stars with their new owner are fixin’ to turn that around. From the Stars arrival in Texas they began developing youth and junior hockey and its paid dividends, big dividends. Scouts from college through the pro’s now routinely put Texas on their schedule. In Texas we like competition and we like winners. The Dallas Stars brought home Lord Stanley’s Cup once already

and in case you’ve missed it, the last couple of years they’ve been putting together a team that’s going to be challenging for the top spots in the division and conference.

Who wins? Everybody who likes contact sports. Good sports. They hit and hit hard, at high speed, with a puck traveling at very high speed, and use some amazing skill in putting the bad boy in the net. Oh yeah, they also have some guys that’ll go pick a fight, especially if someone’s messed with one of their teammates. The NFL. The NHL. The UFC. These are the meat eater’s sports. No vegans come and no vegans are allowed. Tell me, did you watch the Stanley Cup Finals? Many thought that after the Conference Finals that the meeting between the Kings and Devils was anti-climatic and over before it started. And after Los Angeles took a 3-0 lead a chunk of sets got turned off. Too bad. New Jersey made a respectable rally. They won games four and five and put some zest back into the series. Or so they thought. You know what I’m about to say. You know those times when you can smell or sense that it’s comin’. That something’s on its way and it’s not gonna be stopped. Some call it the Cinderella Syndrome. Fate. Kismet. Due. But however you describe it, you know it’s coming. And the Kings were coming. First eight seeded team in the history of the NHL to take it all the way to the house and come away pocketing the Crown Jewels. Like the NFL Giants they made their bones on the road. That’s making seven the hard way, and that’s where they separate the contenders from the pretenders. Oh yeah.

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The Western Conference is the Chief Lion, and the Pacific Division is the guts of it all. That’s where the Los Angeles Kings play. It’s also where the Dallas Stars play and brothers and sisters they’re coming next season. Let’s start planning our tailgating parties now. Ok, it’s time to roll out the tier two games. Yeah, that’s right, I know it hacks off the basketball loyalists but c’mon, at least you’re not level three like MLB or four like soccer. Was this a great season for the NBA? Really, do we need to debate that? With the loss of the entire pre-season this was a joke. The majority of the regular season games, what there were of them, and most of the playoffs have not been anything that caused sweat to pour off your forehead. Lockouts and strikes have a devastating effect upon sports leagues and it ruined this one. In the West the Spurs swept their first two games and the Thunder went only one extra. Both teams had a proverbial cakewalk. In the Conference Finals OKC lost the first two in San Antonio but came a hairsbreadth away from winning the first and were in the second one to the end. After that they rolled off four straight. This wasn’t a Cinderella story for the Thunder, nope, this was all power from the get go. All power, smarts, and sky high skills. This is a young team. They learn from their losses. They’re like Sampson, each time they get hit they come back with more. In the East the Celtics and Heat didn’t have it quite the same way. No, that doesn’t mean that the games were tougher and better, they just couldn’t

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get ‘er done faster.

: TheHardScore : TheHardScore : TheHardScore :

It took Boston a six game and a seven game series to get to the Conference round. It took Miami five and six. When they finally met up it went to a seven game series before the Heat finally buried ‘em. You gotta lot of money people out there giving the NBA Finals to Miami. Oh, they’ll say polite things to basically cover their butts, which is so cheap it’s not funny, but they keep giving it to the Heat. LeBron James for them has now been anointed the chosen one. Is there good news here? Oh hell yeah. This series has the chance to make up for a lost season and weak playoffs. What are the touts saying? They’re going to matchups. They believe the pairings to watch and to be the crucial points are James and Durant, Wade and Westbrook, and Bosh and Ibaka. The smart money says while the action between the first two will be hot, they’ll basically negate each other so it comes down to Bosh and Ibaka for the series difference maker and they’re giving it to Bosh and Miami. I say it’s tighter than that. I say OKC’s Harden will have a say, and their bench, and I mean for being effective, is deeper and better than Miami’s. The Thunder and Heat both went through older, more experienced teams in the Spurs and Celtics to get here. I think that had Boston not gone seven with the 76ers that they would’ve given Miami even more problems. Why did they lose? I think they finally were worn down and couldn’t hold Miami out of the paint. The paint. That’s where, if this series is going to have any teeth, will be played. If anybody’s readin’ their press clippings thinkin’ they got a walk, they’ll be fried. No, this series won’t be about the regular season or the money. This series will be about young guns who are studs and want to get dirty while making the other guy look the chump. Finally two teams that will bring guts back to the game of basketball.

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Readers Response:

Two Dogs: Did Game 7 prove James or Bosh up? Wades no longer the man, and Bosh isn’t the center presence they need since they won without him. If Miami doesn’t win it all are the Big Three broken up? Is Wade gone anyway? Dirk Peoria Dirk: Miami played game 7 against Boston smart. They got them to react and chase which wore them down and opened up the paint. That fourth quarter LeBron was basically uncontested. I don’t think the Boston series did much to prove up James, Bosh, or Wade. Yes they won without Bosh, mostly, but don’t kid yourself, when healthy he’s a presence. And they’ll need a healthy and strong Bosh against OKC. Even though Wade helped engineer the trades that brought James and Bosh to Miami, when Pat Riley writes his memoirs you’ll probably read that he was planning in advance. You can say that Wade unwittingly brought in his replacements. I don’t know if the Big 3 is broken up if they don’t win it all, I mean, hey, in two years they’ve made it to the Finals each time, that’s not rotten cheese. Wade’s gone in one or two years. TD Two Dogs: If the Knicks get ‘Melo help, good help, can he take them deep into the playoffs? He got them into the first round this year. And would you trade for Nash and oust Lin? Dani Myrtle Beach Dani: Jordan had good help and Bryant has good help, but, and this is a huge one, both these men played team ball and defense, concepts that are more foreign to ‘Melo than wearing ice skates. The Knicks weren’t going to the postseason until after ‘Melo was injured and at the same time Lin was inserted into the lead point guard slot. Those games won while ‘Melo and Stoudemire were out are very telling

as to who’s worth what. No, I wouldn’t trade for Nash. He’s older and has never brought a Championship home. Do you think he’d be able to persuade ‘Melo off and on the court to play more off the pick and roll and less off out of isolation? Hardly. TD Two Dogs: What do you think of Maria Sharapova and Danica Patrick? Aren’t both just good lookers that are more for ticket sells than anything else? Tyrese Dallas Tyrese: After several years of playing more at being a beauty queen than a player, Sharapova used her skills and made top rankings. She lost the last couple of years due to shoulder surgery, but this year she’s made another comeback and grabbed the number one ranking. By winning the French Open she became only the tenth woman ever to win all four majors for the Grand Slam. She’s proven she’s not just a pretty face but has lots of guts and talent to play at the elite levels. She’s the anti-Patrick. Danica has only one victory in her pro experience, but with Indy Car she had several top ten finishes and a few top five. The last couple of years her strategy was to do high speed time trials for position, but then when the race started to fall back. She’s brought this over to NASCAR. Sharapova pushes it to win, Danica doesn’t seem to know how to get the pedal to the floor and the mental force to keep it there. TD Two Dogs: Do you believe there was a conspiracy involving I’ll Have Another? Rachel Ft Worth

Rachel: People are saying the way the trainer and owner looked and spoke to the media after pulling their horse and retiring him didn’t look right, that they didn’t look upset giving up what so very few ever get a shot at. They also question the way the leg problem

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

was addressed and treated, like, they kept working him even though he obviously wasn’t running right during practice. They think maybe something’s being hid from the tighter scrutiny that winning a Triple Crown would have brought, so they pulled him to protect the stud service. All’s I can say is they just joined the ranks of the Pacquiao supporters. TD Two Dogs: What do you think of the Cowboys for this year? Do they have the people to pull it off? Arch Edinburgh Arch: For any team it’s always what you have on paper and what’s on the field. I think their concern on defense is down to the safety, on offense I think they like what they have. Myself, I have and will have serious doubts about the wide receiving corps, especially Dez Bryant and whoever ends up 3 and 4. If Dez has finally gotten his head right then this offense could create problems for a lot of teams. I think we could end up having the best running game in the NFL. The defense, just by virtue of having the off season will be a load better. Fans for the first time in years have something other than hope to look forward to. TD Two Dogs: If Roger Clemens is found guilty, so what? Will baseball correct any of the stats? No. Will they put him in the Hall? Sure. So who cares? Just another stupid waste of taxpayers’ dollars. Bonds got off so will Clemens. Dave Mesquite Dave: I find your sarcasm refreshing but Bonds was a different trial issue. If convicted I doubt if he gets in the HOF but you’re probably right that they’ll allow him to keep the stats. MLB has serious credibility issues over the drug issue and failure to make the records straight. TD

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orilla gadgets odd : cool : interesting : insane stuff!

HELLYEAH’S new album Band of Brothers out 7.17.12!

on this new album. I’ve always separated Mudvayne and HELLYEAH as much as I could, even though it was my voice. Melodies, lyrics and just the overall style of

writing were different. With Band of Brothers, I just quit being afraid of who I am in relation to this band. I think we’ve all really gotten back to the original roots of what we’ve done individually and brought it together on this album. As an artist, as long as you’re painting with your own brush, no one can compare or challenge you. I just painted with a bigger, heavier brush than I had with HELLYEAH in the past. I think this is what fans have always expected to hear from us, and now were giving it to them.”

Hard rock supergroup HELLYEAH is back with a their third album, entitled Band of Brothers. The album, the band’s first effort for their new label home, Eleven Seven Music, was recorded in Dallas at drummer Vinnie Paul’s home studio, VP’s Upstairs Studio, and was produced by the band and Jeremy Parker (Godsmack, Evanessence), who also served as engineer.

Vinnie Paul echoed the sentiment in a recent interview for Loudwire.com : “On our first two records, we were a new band. We really wanted to branch out and expand and experiment with all different styles. We all come from traditional metal bands and backgrounds, so it was a great breath of fresh air to play in a band that was rock ‘n’ roll, blues and Southern rock. We got that out of our system and got really focused on going back to our metal roots. It’s heavy, focused, groove-oriented and I’m excited about it.”

Having produced track after track of heavy-hitting, in-your-face, feel good rock and roll on their previous two albums (2010’s STAMPEDE and 2007’s self-titled debut), Band of Brothers sees HELLYEAH taking a slightly different musical direction. Drawing on their former bands’ collective metal roots for inspiration, the influences and style of Mudvayne, Pantera, Damageplan and Nothingface are immediately recognizable in tracks such as “Band of Brothers,” “War In Me” and “Rage Burn,” while the party anthem “Drink, Drank, Drunk” retains the essence of earlier HELLYEAH. Frontman Chad Gray comments, “I’m really excited about what we’ve done

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have a good time jamming this record. It has the anger and violence of Pantera and Mudvayne, but a party vibe that can nly be HELLYEAH!”

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“Cointreau and Dita Von Teese kick off summer with Cointreau poolside soiree in Dallas” by Stephanie Hastings A to Zed Photography

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from page 7..... Constipation is getting a square meal thru a round hole. ******** Do you know why the statue of liberty is surrounded by water? She raised her hand in class and the teacher said no. ******** Stock brokers can say the nastiest things here is a sample from a Wall Street Broker and his client’s reply ; ‘I have a big thing in hand, which is expected to rise shortly. If we get together, we can make something nice.’ ‘Sorry we can not get together at present, as I have my monthly settlement to tend to, but if you can keep your offer standing for a day or two, I can undoubtedly find an opening for it.’ ******** Some more jokes devoted to the automobile and the sport of driving. A fellow came home and his wife’s car was in the kitchen. He asked her, ‘How did you get the car in the kitchen?’ She replied, ‘Easy, I just turned right after the dining room.’ *********** A taxi passenger leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a school bus, drove over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent, then, the shaking driver said, “Are you okay? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.” The badly shaken passenger said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.” The driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. While I have been driving people around for 25 years, today is my very first day driving a cab. Before today I drove a hearse.” ********** A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that he’s going to Europe on vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. He has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. As the man leaves with the money, the bank’s loan department enjoyed a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls-Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it. Two weeks later, the businessman returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $25.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. We checked your records and found that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $25.41?” *********** A guy goes into a fancy restaurant with his shirt open at the collar. He is stopped by the bouncer who says, “Sir, you must wear a necktie in this establishment.” So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn’t have a one. But in the truck of his car he finds a set of jumper cables. In desperation, he ties the cables around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle freely. The guy goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, “Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don’t start anything.” *********** A gal walks into a bar and shouts “Who’s the strongest s.o.b. in here?” A really big guy looks at him and says “I am the strongest around here!” The gal politely asks, “Can you help me push my car up the block to the gas station?” *********** What’s the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen? The used car salesman knows when he’s lying. ********** The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had secretly installed voice recorders in the cabs of all 4x4 pickup trucks made in America over the last 10 years. The NTSB explained the black boxes were set to record the last 30-seconds of sounds in an effort to determine the circumstances before a fatal crash. The NTSB found that in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 75% of the fatal crashes were: “Oh, Shit!” Only the state of Arkansas was different, where 90% of the final words were: “Hey bubba, hold my beer and watch this!” ************ At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and said, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, the Chairman of General Motors issued a press release stating, “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars that, for no reason whatsoever, they would crash twice a day.” ************ These are the top 10 reasons why former stock car drivers make poor taxi cab drivers? 1) They only know how to turn left, go to page 22

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from page 19 2) They won’t pump their own gas, 3) They have a 50/50 chance of crashing or blowing an engine, 4) They never stop to pick up a fare, 5) They tailgate each other, 6) They never reach their destination unless someone waves a checkered flag, 7) They don’t look Pakistani, 8) They won’t drive at all on rainy days, 9) They expect a new set of tires each 50 laps around the city, 10) They will drive very fast very close to the wall, which in most cities is on the sidewalk. ************ A young man drove 50 mph the wrong way on a one way street that had a 30 mph speed limit and he parked in front of a fire hydrant. He stopped to go into a store and the front seat of the car was strewn with empty beer cans. A cop on patrol noticed all the offenses and was writing the young man several tickets when he emerged from the store. In an effort to have the policeman let him off with a warning, the young man said, ‘But officer, you can’t give me a ticket, its a stolen car.’ ************** The 10 reasons you need a new car ; 1) You accidentally drive into a junkyard, and when you drive out you get accused of stealing. 2) The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car. 3) If you park your car on the street on garbage pickup day, you stand a good chance the garbage man will have taken it away. 4) You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you. 5) You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced. 6) Evel Kneivel refuses to ride with you. 7) You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo. 8) When you get to your destination you breath a sigh and walk away with a smile. 9) The Blue Book lists your car as a “Health Risk” 10) The only thing

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holding your bumper on is the Bush/ Quayle bumper sticker. ****************** A state trooper pulls along side a speeding car in the interstate. The car is going over 100 mph and when he looks at the driver, he is surprised to see she is a little old granny and she is knitting while driving. The trooper and the old lady drive side by side for several miles but the woman won’t stop. Finally, the cop get on his bull horn and yells at the knitting speeder “PULL OVER !” The old lady yells back, “NO, its a scarf !” ************** The little town of Elmo, in East Texas, was having a problem with too many drivers not slowing down to a safe speed when driving thru the village. The town did not have a full time police officer and did not have a radar gun, so the Elmo town council voted to install a sign to get drivers to slow down. The first sign read ‘Caution - Children at Play’, but it had no effect. The sec-

ond sign read ‘Slow Trucks Ahead‘ but it too had no effect. Then they changed the sign and as a result the traffic slowed to a crawl thru the town. The sign now reads ‘Welcome to Elmo the Only Nudist Colony in Texas‘. *********** Some drivers love their cars, but these acronyms were sent in by the other drivers. AUDI Accelerator Under Demonic Influence BMW Bavarian Money Waster CHEVY Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet DAEWOO Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally DODGE NEON Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive - Needs Engine Overhauled Now FIAT Found In A Trashcan FORD F_ _ker Only Rolls Downhill Jeep Just Expect Every Problem GMC Greatest Mistake Created KIA Korean’s Imitation Accord LINCOLN

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Litigant In Numerous Claims Of Legal Negligence PONTIAC Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky Ass Crap SAAB Sorry Auto - Assembled Backwards SATURN Send Another Towtruck - Urgent Repairs Needed TOYOTA This One You Oughta Tow Away VW Very Worthless

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METRO 06.13.2012