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Test Driving Alexis Ford by W.R. Maxwell

Alexis Ford – model and porn star extraordinaire. She was the featured performer at the Rick’s DFW Grand Opening last weekend and the gentlemen in attendance were not disappointed. In addition to her two nightly stage performances, she also poised for photographs and did lap dances. An immodest dance for a very modest fee. She just turned 24 and having such a cute girl wiggling and writhing on my lap could be fatal (for me) at my advanced age. I was content to just watch, but that was after the interview. Her modeling credits include Howard Stern TV, Maxim, Hustler and Penthouse Magazines. In fact, Alexis is the pet of the month for June. The issue isn’t even on the newsstands yet, but she showed me a copy. Let me tell you, her spread looks great and the photo spread is pretty good, too. Miss Ford’s path to stardom was a little different than most. She got her start as the girl who pops out of the fake cake at bachelor parties in New York City. At a mere 5’-2”, hiding in a cake isn’t hard, however concealing her 36D breasts is another matter. It’s a good thing Alexis isn’t shy, so she has no problem showing off those puppies. Her photographer, Holly Randall, discovered her and Adam & Eve productions quickly signed her up to a big video deal, which has put her in over 30 videos in less than 2 years. Alexis tells me her favorite position is ‘doggie’ and that she is a naturally submissive sex partner. This sweet young thing has been in at least one D/s film (Fit to be Tied) and while the ropes were mostly for show, the sex was aggressive. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does more rough-sex films. While she does not admit to having sexual relationships with any home appliances, she did confess to making love

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to a banana once for a video. Gals, she does not recommend this as a substitute for the real thing – ‘its very messy’. Also, during filming the producer ruined a whole bunch of ‘stunt’ bananas before getting enough footage for the scene. Alexis said the biggest guy to ‘do’ her in a video was at least 11 inches

and that she usually orgasms during filming, ‘as long as the guy is doing his part’. I’m sure all of us aspiring male porn-stars knows exactly what she means – the rest of you ? well, friend her on facebook and she can explain it in graphic detail. Better yet, buy the video. I’m sure the visual aid will help with the explanation. Presently, Alexis does not have a boyfriend and is ‘very single’. If a guy wants to impress her, buy her a large men’s Rolex. She likes big clocks (without the ‘L’ I think). Alexis says her oral sex techniques and her orgasmic squirts are what has kept her in the xxx studios in LA, Vegas and Miami. I guess we don’t make those kinds of movies in Texas. Too bad. (Big Metro ANE TY to Eric at Rick’s DFW for bringing Alexis to Texas.) Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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E?

Hof Wants Legal Brothel in London for Olympics

“These illegal brothels are disgust-

provide the client with a clean, safe and fun experience.”

Dennis Hof, the star of an HBO Reality Show, “Cathouse” and owner of Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada, a star brothel that employs about 500 girls, told ABC News on a Thursday night debate at the Oxford Union that he wants to fund and launch a new brothel for the London Olympics. Apparently, Hof’s concerns are not about the money, but his relentless fight against human trafficking as controlled by international criminal gangs and his struggle to promote the health of sex-workers and their clients. Hof believes that the London Olympics is going to witness a short-term epidemic in human trafficking, and keeping prostitution legal in London, but making it illegal for pimps and brothels to operate raises deep issues about health and human slavery.

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rican gangs, violent gangs involved in crime and drugs.” He said that his predictions were made upon what he witnessed at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. Making his case for the economy, Hof said that the traffickers “stand to make a billion pounds that won’t be taxed and that will be stolen away from London.” Hof believes that lifting the ban on pimps and brothels, at least for the duration of the Olympics would assure safe sex for tourists as well as much-needed tax revenue for the U.K. government.

ing,” said the owner of the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, “The girls are not tested for diseases and they’re trafficked and forced into it. I’m saying it’s not always like that and it doesn’t have to be like that. We can

“Sex is as much a human need as food or water,” said Hof’s 25year old girlfriend and employee Cami Parker. Cami, who accompanied Hof on his U.K. trip, was full of enthusiasm but failed to convince the Oxford Union with her passionate appeals. Hof, who is well aware of such operations, told ABC News that during the London Olympics, “I expect, 1000 girls to be trafficked in by Southeast Asian, Albanian and Af-

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

Hof told the assembled U.K. thinktanks that legal brothels would “sort out all your problems. It would be a good thing for your country, I’m telling you.”

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Tanning Responsibly as a Stripper Just to hear the word “Tanning” brings back memories of my mom and my grandfather (who is, you recall, a plastic surgeon) screaming at me to put on my sunscreen. All jokes aside, tanning is something you really need to understand. If you don’t, at best you will get the sunburn from hell. At worst - and in all seriousness - you will get skin cancer. Here is what you need to know about tanning, and how it affects the dancer and the dancer’s health. When a light-skinned dancer stands under the lights on stage, the illumination tends to wash her out. It makes it difficult for the audience to see the hard work she has put into her exercise program. The way to avoid this is by getting a colorful, even tan. Tanning is our skin’s way of protecting itself from the dangerous ultraviolet rays of the sun. When our skin is exposed to these rays, the skin pigment remaining from your last tan has faded, but will become dark again; this is why you can seem to tan after just one day in the sun. However, your body has produced no new pigment to protect you. True tanning, during which new skin pigment is produced, takes considerably longer: a week to 10 days. It doesn’t pay to stay out in the sun for long hours at a time trying to rush a tan. It is best to tan in stages. Experts recommend 20 minutes to a half hour a day in the beginning. Of course, this depends on your skin type, where you live, the time of year, and the altitude (the higher up you are, the stronger the ultraviolet rays). If you are fair-skinned and burn easily, you must take extra precautions. But remember, even the darkest skin can be burned and damaged by the sun if exposure is too long.

between the hours of 10 AM and 2 PM, when the rays of the sun are most intense (and can therefore do the most damage to the skin), but that is exactly the time when most people prefer to lie out in the sun. So let me just pass on this warning: Excessive exposure to the sun tends to cause wrinkles and give the skin a leathery look, not to mention that it can cause skin cancer. Tanning, then, must be approached with a certain degree of moderation and care. One aesthetic consideration is that you don’t want your face to be darker than the rest of your body. Your face and your nose in particular tend to absorb a lot more sun. So take care to protect your face by wearing a hat or using sunscreen to prevent your nose and forehead from getting burned. I have heard many horror stories and flipped through many photographs of my grandfather’s surgical skin cancer removal procedures. It is excruciatingly painful to have this done, not to mention that it leaves scarring. And once you develop skin cancer, you will continue to have recurrences of it over time. I tan regularly; however, I use an antioxidant-rich, all natural bronzing lotion, and I moisturize my body from head to toe every night with an aloe-vera based body lotion, packed with vitamins. I rarely tan my face and I get a Mystic Tan whenever possible. This will help the fairskinned person achieve a darker look than ever before! Now that you are familiar with how your skin tans as a stripper, you will be more likely to get the color you need so that no man will be able to take his eyes off you when you dance! For more information about what it takes to be successful as today’s exotic dancer go to www.How-toStrip.com and download our free book, Champagne Every Night: the Myths Keeping You from Making Over $200,000 in your first year as an Exotic Dancer.

Experts advise not to sunbathe

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Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Taylor Vixen Hosts Naked Sunday Pool Party By: Ms. Misha MorĂŞ

Top retailer New Fine Arts is bringing in Taylor Vixen, 2010 Penthouse Pet

of the Year to the legendary Crowne Plaza Naked Sunday Pool Party June 3rd with the best view of the Dallas skyline. Some of the amenities on the Crowne Plaza Pool Deck are three different levels of cabanas that includes bottle service and enough tickets for all your hottest friends to come. The Crowne Plaza has added new shaded cabanas as well as the high roller Pool Level Hotel Suite. Partygoers will enjoy a full-size pool, a 50/50 girlguy ticket ratio and plenty of the Texas sun. The Naked Sunday Pool Party is hosted by Dallas party masters 12 Inch Pimps, with some of the best DJs from across the country to spin and keep the party rocking until sunset. Join Taylor Vixen and friends (like Rachel Starr) for the Official After Party going down at MANTUS. There will be discounted rooms at the Crowne Plaza Hotel so guests can party responsibly.

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Adventures in the Erotic Underground ™ With The Not So Desperate Housewife

Hey kids, it’s me Mardi, “The Not So Desperate Housewife”, looking forward to the coming holiday weekend and what most people consider to be the “official” kick-off to the summer season. While we have been having summer temperatures for a while now and most of us in the DFW Metroplex have already fired-up the grill and christened our favorite pool with a little skinny-dipping, you have to remember that in many parts the country it is just now warming up enough to seriously start their summer fun. And what better way to get into the spirit of summer than a three day weekend studded with

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backyard barbecues, summer-themed parties and a little time on the lake, all of which are great excuses to break out your teeniest bikini and show off the results of those extra sessions you’ve been putting in at the gym or that early season tan you’ve been working on ever since the days started warming up back in April. I know that most of you who read this column probably already have a long weekend full of activities planned, but just in case you’ve been in hibernation all winter here’s a few things that might wake you up. The weekend starts with a bang on Friday night at Lake Grapevine as the city of Grapevine will once again host its Friday night fireworks. In what is becoming a summertime tradition, the city will have fireworks displays every Friday night from Memorial Day weekend through Labor Day weekend. Dozens of boats filled with revelers hit the water Friday evenings and hundreds more fill the lakeside parks and eateries to watch the show which is made all the more spectacular by the beauty of seeing the fireworks reflected on the (usually) tranquil waters of Lake Grapevine. If you are lucky enough to have a boat on Lake Grapevine, or luckier still to have friends who do, you know that the Friday night fireworks are a great excuse for boaters and floaters of all persuasions to get together for some of those impromptu parties that always seem to pop-up wherever warm weather and water come together. Always ready for a party, the good

people who are Wet en Wild got things started last weekend with their first raft-up of the season. Since the Memorial Day weekend typically draws such an overwhelming crowd to all the area lakes, and since so many people will be travelling or have other parties to attend this weekend, they decided to have a warm up with the first of several lake parties that will climax (in more ways than you can imagine) with their annual, and always epic, BBB party in July on Lake Travis. If there is one party that truly symbolizes the summer time incarnation of the erotic underground, it is the dedicated debauchery of hundreds of gorgeous water babies who completely engulf a large cove at that bastion of bohemian wildlife, Hippy Hollow. For one Saturday in July every year, this becomes the wildest and quite possibly the largest party cove anywhere as dozens of boats and literally hundreds of well-practiced hedonists descend on Austin from all corners of Texas and the U.S. as well as many other parts of the globe. So, don’t worry if you missed it last weekend, you will have plenty of other opportunities to catch up with all the nautical naughtiness over the course of the season because for these committed boaters, floaters and partiers summer starts early and ends late with several great parties throughout. Speaking of party-coves, and back to this weekend’s festivities, the area lakes are sure to be hopping as several groups have their summer kick-off parties at places like the party cove on

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

Lake Lewisville. I don’t want to seem jaded, but to me the party cove at Lewisville just hasn’t had quite the same intensity since it moved to its current location some years back. But we can change that; all you sensual sailors and freaky floaters, it’s time to rededicate ourselves to putting a little spice back into the Lake Lewisville party cove! Girls, let’s buck this season’s trend toward high coverage swimwear and hitup your favorite purveyor of hoochiewear for something with a little more bling and a lot less fabric. I can make a couple of substantial contributions to enhancing the scenery at the Lewisville Lake party cove, how about you? Finally, let’s not forget what Memorial Day is all about, memorializing our fallen soldiers. In a persistent ritual that is particularly strong in this country among all others, we commemorate the cycle of sacrifice and renewal that has been so much a part of our history. So while we celebrate the enduring freedoms that the coming summer embodies so completely, we are sure to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice to secure them. For all the hottest action this summer, check out the latest Metro or go to ane. com. Questions, comments or suggestions? Know of great places or events of interest to women or that need a woman’s perspective? Contact me at eroticunderground@gmail.com

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THE HARD SCORE Every fan believes their sport is the best and second’s a half mile away in the dust. In Texas that’s not good news. Second or the dust. In this neck of the woods, well, desert really, you get caught out in the dust and you find out real quick why mama would stick the cleaning rag in one ear and pull it out the other. And coming in second makes that look like a hoedown. The only bonfire you get is the one of you being burned in effigy in front of your casa with no family comin’ out to hose you down. Nope, fans want their sport on top, they don’t want off seasons, and they don’t want any losers. From second on down are losers. Even at the world’s greatest fair, the State Fair of Texas, the Blue Ribbon is the only acceptable position to take. Here in Texas we even think the cooking contests are sports. If you’ve never been to the chili cook-off in Terlingua or the State Fair bakeoffs, you’ve never been bloodied in battle. So what groups makin’ all the noise now? Them horse racers and all those fans with trifecta tickets stickin’ out the pockets. Their lookin’ to bump bounce their Triple Crown up to the top of this week’s charts. Claim theirs is the oldest sport in this country and demand all the prestige that’s carried with it. Well, I’ll make a comment on the Triple Crown but do you know where horse racing really rates in this country? Below soccer. I’ll agree that before planes, trains, and automobiles that horse racing was big, but so was chewing tobacco and spitting on fireflies. Even if there’s finally a nag to claim horse racing’s

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biggest spectacle, it’s only good for one weekend of the year, will not draw crowds or media back to the tracks, and it’s totally a niche market for the well attired set. You know how really low on the sports chart horse racing is? They don’t have any fantasy leagues. Go figure. Alright, let’s bale some hay and take it to the paddock. Triple Crown Before we get to the featured horse of note, let’s get a couple of the main questions out in front of the Grandstands. Like, should it take this long between Triple Crown winners? Should it or does it matter there’s three different tracks and three different lengths? No to both. With a practice of switching jockeys more than I do, horse owners make MLB look brilliant, not an easy accomplishment. I don’t care what you’re doing, consistency matters and putting various riders on a horse doesn’t breed (I’ve been waiting to use that) a familiarity for winners. A bigger factor, to me anyway, is jockey error, and it’s not unreasonable to suggest that without really knowing a horse the rider will attempt things out of the horse’s comfort zone. Should different lengths matter? Not if the horse hasn’t been specially trained to run only specific distances. You train for distance, then train for speed, then train for speed and stamina over the distances. It’s not like they’re real athletes and you have to watch their diets, I mean, they eat hay. And oats. So training shouldn’t be an issue. Does the favorite I’ll Have Another have any issues? Other than he’s never

been favored, even with his record. That won’t be the case at the Belmont. There are two racing changes taking place, Bodemeister won’t be running and Dullahan and Union Rags will. Dullahan finished third in the Kentucky Derby and Union Rags finished seventh, and both skipped the Preakness to gear up for the Belmont. They were deliberately held to challenge and prevent a King being crowned. That’s their version of a controversy. In Texas arguing over beans in chili can get your nose bloodied, that’s a controversy. BIG 12-SEC Now that the news has given thoughts that the South will rise again and put the East and West Coast sports in their places, what really happened?

The first question to arise from the ashes is, how can two conferences decide to have their own Bowl game? People are under the opinion that what the BCS doesn’t assign the remaining Bowls offer. It’s not like they can make an apriori decision, meaning, claim a bowl berth before either winning the conference or a high enough ranking. So yes, they want to claim and name their own bowl. Why would they want to do this? It’s not just about creating their own bowl and controlling it, it’s about controlling their own destinies within the playoff structure. They believe they’ll be able to decide if their bowl will be in or outside of the BCS. Only certain bowl winners will be chosen for the four team playoff. They want to own one of those bowls. Instead of being a catalyst for new Super Conferences and Bowls with a four team playoff picture it now more than ever makes a mockery of the NCAA and the BCS system. Instead of the victors being able to advance on merit, it will be more tightly sealed off to competition.

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The NCAA needs to get rid of the BCS and establish a playoff system for football like it has for basketball. That’s the only true and fair way to establish a merit based advancement system. What have been the two most powerful conferences in the country will dictate who’s able to fight for their table scraps. Seems more arrogant than fair. NBA-Playoffs Where are the Lakers? Where are the Clippers? They’re right where the Thunder and Spurs sent them, in California pulling Midwest cactus from their backsides. The Lakers couldn’t pull their experience together and the Clippers just didn’t have enough on the court. The Lakers are looking at being gutted and the Clippers are looking for the magic piece. Too bad so sad, but the real story here are the Spurs and Thunder. San Antonio’s Southwest division and Oklahoma City’s Northwest are meeting in what’s going to be the I-45 Battle of the Bulls. The Western Conference Finals is the series of the year. It’s probably the matchup that every team in the East was wanting so these two could wear themselves out whuppin’ up on each other, leaving the winner exhausted for the Finals. Sorry to the East teams but the winner of this series will be hosting you with bib on, knife and fork in hand, and a copy of Aunt Mae’s guide to hosting the proper kick ass party. Besides, the East can’t figure out who wants to go to their conference finals. Miami’s star studded dream team’s only answer for Indiana was to turn James and Wade loose in a must win game four that tied the series but ex-

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: TheHardScore : TheHardScore : TheHardScore :

posed more weakness. The Pacers will now shut one of them down and force the rest of the team to try and play.

The Celtics and Sixers can’t decide if one’s playing up and the other down, but this matchup, for them, has turned gritty. It’s not bad basketball to watch, it’s just not anywhere near as fun as the shootouts in the West. The fanatical, or better yet, maniacal fans of LeBron James are besides themselves over that game four outcome. They’re even saying James is the best NBA player of all time. But before they have him anointed royalty, they just might want to recall that he’s done this before. James has more fourth period playoff collapses than take control and own it. And one bounce back in a game that was tight all the way to the buzzer doesn’t have me awe inspired. The Pacers have the players to make adjustments with, let’s see what they do. If Miami does win maybe they’ll have Bosh back, maybe they won’t. If they don’t, either Boston or Philly can take a serious run at them, but I think Boston has the better odds. NHL-Playoffs This all boils down to whose gonna face the Kings, will it be the Rangers or Devils? Not a bad question really.

of the series entirely considering his uncharacteristic gaffes. The Devils decided that they’d rather attack than stand there with their backs against the wall, so they’ve taken it to New York. Devils coach DeBoer and Rangers coach Tortorella have resumed their regular season hatred and not only send muscle onto the ice for revenge, but have to be restrained from using each other’s face as an ice shaver.

While the Kings went about schooling the Coyotes on what playoff hockey was about, the Rangers and Devils are about beating each other to stupid with whatever they can grab. I’ve never eaten a bowl of popcorn so fast in my life. Readers Response Two Dogs: I thought Rudy Jaramillo was this great hitting coach but when he goes from the Rangers to the Cubs they don’t just get worse at the plate they crater. They’re last in the Central, and tied for last with the Rockies in the National and overall. Somebody said he don’t know how to hit in cold weather. He don’t know how to hit at all. Rance Chicago

The Kings have managed to become the only Los Angeles team keeping that cities playoff hopes alive, and going to the Stanley Cup Finals sure counts for that. Once the East’s series is decided this will be the hottest ticket in town.

Rance: He doesn’t know what hitting in the cold means? I think the cold’s froze your brain cells and they haven’t thawed out yet. That roster’s needed overhauling for years and that’s an ownership and GM problem.

But the highway rivalry between New York and New Jersey is turning into one for the books. The Rangers number one seed doesn’t seem to have impressed the sixth seeded Devils and the resulting turmoil on ice is classic. They’ve now turned this into a three game shootout with New York having home ice advantage but New Jersey’s just a bar stool away so there’s no strategic advantage.

TD

Both teams are now running the goalies, which the Rangers must’ve thought they could run Brodeur out

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Two Dogs: Blake Griffin was fouled 491 times between the regular and post seasons, this proves he’s the biggest threat in the NBA. There all afraid of his power. Donnie Bakersfield Donnie: He’s also one of the league’s biggest floppers which got him a ton of those calls. You’ll notice that after mid-sea-

son the number of calls he got were going down. Look, Blake’s strength is his dunk, that’s his show. He wants it and is more than willing to drive through bodies to get it, nobody’s saying he’s a punk. But he doesn’t have an outside shot, he needs to improve at the foul line, and upgrade his defense. What he’s finding out is that the Clippers and their fans now want to win and expect more than just a show. They need to add one piece, an outside presence to give Chris Paul another option from his point guard spot, and have Blake work on his shot. TD Two Dogs: Do you think foreigners should be allowed to play in our sports? They just want our money they don’t know our traditions or the games. The Mavericks hit on one, Dirk, but have busted on all the others, so have all the other teams. Cordell Terrell Cordell: I can understand you being upset over the Mav’s busted season, but banning foreigners? Maybe you don’t like watching Yu Darvish pitch, but I sure do and I don’t care if he speaks limited English or not. The Mav’s have plenty of blown picks on homegrown talent, too, it’s not like there’s a book to carry around that tells you who to draft. TD Two Dogs: What is a slot receiver? My boyfriend says he stays within the hash marks but that doesn’t always seem to be the case. Claudia Frisco Claudia: Yes and not necessarily. A slot receiver typically lines up in the slot between the wide receiver and the nearest offensive lineman. He’s usually the number three and yes, he usually goes over the middle but his routes are more dictated by field position and game conditions. TD

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Two Dogs: Your about as dumb as a turtle. You keep leaving LA off your list of top sports cities when it’s one of the BEST in the world. You people living in the center of the country don’t know what from what. Bunch of jealous dumb asses. Mark Los Angeles Mark: Let’s see, you do have two baseball teams, two basketball teams, and a hockey team. You don’t have an NFL team. Until the NFL gets a team back into your city then no, you won’t be ranked in the top. But as a backwater hick, I’m just curious as to how all those smart folk like you in LA can’t manage to get a stadium? Just curious. Dog breath. TD Two Dogs: Can RGIII really patent the phrase “unbelievably believable”? Isn’t this OUR language? That’s like saying somebody’s patenting “that’s like saying”, or “know what I mean”. Know what I mean? Dorsey Austin Dorsey: People will try most anything. Lawyers will try just about anything. Seems like RGIII and his lawyers are going to try it. If they win THAT will be unbelievably believable. Know what I mean? TD Two Dogs: At what point do you stop asking who’s the best player ever in a given league? There aren’t any twenty or thirty year olds that know any of the older players. If they bother to research they don’t know how to use it. They only know today’s players. Arch Ennis Arch: I stopped a long time ago. TD

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orilla gadgets odd : cool : interesting : insane stuff!

About the Maker’s Mark Cigar The Maker’s Mark cigar is the perfect combination of fine ingredients and a unique smoking experience. The long-leaf tobacco is grown in the Dominican Republic, and the bourbon is distilled from red wheat in the Kentucky countryside. Together they create a cigar like no other.

even touches the tobacco! The result is a premium cigar with all of the benefits of a premium bourbon. The perfect combination for a relaxing smoke. To top it off, each cigar is sealed in a glass tube, and then each tube is handdipped in Maker’s Mark’s signature red wax, just like the actual bourbon. An added benefit to this process is that the cigar is housed in an air-tight container. Once it’s dipped, it doesn’t require humidification, making it ideal for travel, the golf course, or any excursion where a humidor isn’t available.

the top of a 174hp Mazda rotary engine, designing a body which could function as a road-vehicle, yet also be waterproof when hitting the lakes and seas for a spin. The car is one of 25 vehicles that is currently vying for the title of fastest amphibious vehicle. When Marc started building the car in 2006, he aimed to reach 60mph - beating the water-speed record of 45mph set by an amphibious car. That record has now risen to 60mph by

is built out so that it can take speeds of up to 180mph on the road. By land, by sea... by bike? The car has ‘boot space’ on the side of the vehicle Writing on Fantasy Junction, where the car is for sale, Marc said: ‘Building Sea Lion has been an enjoyable exploration. I have provided the basic archi-

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The unique process whereby the cigar is aromatically enhanced by Maker’s Mark Bourbon makes the Maker’s Mark Cigar unique in the industry. You won’t find any artificial ingredients in this cigar. In fact, the bourbon never

The amphibious sports car which can hit 125mph on land - and 60mph on the HIGH SEAS A car enthusiast has completed his sixyear project to turn his dream sports car into a 60mph sea-worth vehicle. The Sea Lion, as inventor Marc Witt calls it, is a completely bespoke car that can do 125mph on the roads - and then fly down the pier into the water and keep up a respectable speed as it sails past the yachts and boats. And this car could be yours today, as Marc is now ready to cast the car-boat hybrid adrift, putting it up for sale for

$259,500. Off the ramp and on to the water: The Sea Lion can drive straight into the

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water, and straight out to the horizon Almost like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The car has extendable panels and boot space which fold out at the push of a button

a range of competing cars - although with no official body to rule on the faster, many vehicles are claiming the title. Still, Marc says that if the next owner upgrade his engine, they can reach even greater speeds and land the record themselves - and it is unlikely anyone will top his land-speed record for an amphibian car of 125mph. Indeed, with an engine switch, the car

tecture for the car and resolved every conflicting interaction between Car and Boat. ‘The next chapter of this project is to provide an ultimate engine and begin speed trials. There are many highly qualified rotary engine builders who have decades of experience making reliable high performance improvements. ‘It is best to bring a specialist builder on board for the rest of this endeavor and bring the car up to its full potential. ‘I am willing to continue working with the buyer on all future modifications. I will remain available as a consultant, engineer, machinist and psychiatrist for whoever decides to venture further into the amphibious record books.’

Out of the drink and onto the roads: The car’s engine spurts out the remainder of the water as it prepares to start a road trip. Capped with a brushed aluminum and stainless steel finish, Marc built the car himself over Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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The new Rick’s Cabaret / DFW gentlemen’s club had its grand opening with three nights of non-stop party action, feature dancing by Penthouse Pet Alexis Ford and a chance to win a trip for two to New York City.

kees at Yankee Stadium and a night on the town at the flagship Rick’s Cabaret/ NYC club in midtown Manhattan. A huge thank you to the wonderful management team made up of GM Eric Rubenstein, and Night Managers, Ryan Godfrey and Rich Butler for making the grand opening festivities run smoothly.

Located at the south exit of the world’s seventh busiest airport, Rick’s Cabaret/ DFW is one of the newest in the publicly traded Rick’s (NASDAQ: RICK) group of 24 upscale gentlemen’s clubs. It was built to the company’s specifications and features full service bars, the Champagne Ultra Lounge, fine wine and dining, a state of the art audio and visual experience, professional valet parking, plus an ever-changing lineup of hot show girls appearing nightly on the club’s four stages. Alexis Ford, the Adam & Eve studio performer who has also starred in more than 30 films including the current best seller “Dallas: A XXX Porn Parody,” performed two shows nightly during the grand opening parties. The parties also featured numerous giveaway contests, including a trip to New York City for two that will included air fare, a stay at a Times Square hotel, tickets to see the Texas Rangers play the New York Yan-

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Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Clubhouse VIP Party Photos courtesy: DV8PHOTO

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Clubhouse VIP Party

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ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, Giggle, Grin, Groan submitted by: W. R. Maxwell

Remember, send your funny jokes to wr_maxwell@hotmail.com and your bad jokes to wr_maxwell@hotmail.com A guy goes into a costume shop and says, “I’m going to a costume party, I want to go as wild Indian.” The shop girl brings out a loin cloth, but the guy says, “Not big enough.” So, the girl brings out a bigger one. He says, “Still not big enough.” The girl goes in the back room and brings out a huge loin cloth, but the guy says, “Still not big enough.” Clearly frustrated, the costume shop girl says, “Listen, chief, why don’t you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?” ********** A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to grow tomatoes in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisoner, knowing guards read all the mail, replies, “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.” A week later, the prisoner receives another letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels, and dug up the entire back garden.” The prisoner writes back; “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant tomatoes.” John Smith, Beware! Pocahontas is wanted by the police for murder. It’s true. A stripper from Houston, who goes by the stage name ‘Pocahontas’, is wanted on 2 counts of aggravated robbery and capital murder. The suspect is 20 years old and her real name is Luerissie Ross. Judging from her mugshot, she’s not that great looking for an exotic entertainer. I guess the ‘robbery’ charge was a little more flagrant than taking advantage of a drunken customer at The Ice Cream Castles, a topless bar just outside the I-610 loop. The first offense happened in December 2011 when she and her boyfriend shot Kevin N. in his apartment. Pocahontas was out on a $50,000 bond for the Kevin N. shooting. That’s a lot of wampum for a topless dancer. In late February, the indian princess and a couple of her tribe members shot Budrohoe B. outside her apartment/teepee. At the time, the dancer turned fugitive was wearing an electronic ankle monitor – not the traditional beads and bells ankle monitor used by native tribes. Persons knowing the where abouts of Pocahontas should smoke-signal the Houston PD. A reward of 10 wool blankets and 5 pounds of trade beads is being offered. – based on articles in the Houston Chronicle embellished by W.R. Maxwell ************** In Italy, a proposed tax on cats and dogs was debated in parliament on Friday, however the idea turned out to be all bark with no bite. Immediately after introduction of the legislation Italy was abuzz with protests. There was so much reaction that one Italian agency ran nearly 40 news items on the proposal in less than four hours. The debt-strapped country proposed the measure to raise

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revenue and ward off default. The national media reported that an EU commission had recommended the tax on ‘animals of affection’ - in other words, if you love your dog, cat, hamster, goldfish, parrot or pet snake, you were going to have to pay the Italian government. If you hate your wife’s cat because he shredded your golf slacks or if you hate your husbands dog because he chewed up your shoes, you might have been able to avoid the Italian tax. It was later learned, the EU commission members who drafted the tax proposal were mostly from Greece, Portugal and Ireland counties already in default on their own massive national debts. Italian politicians called the EU’s proposal “grotesque”, “surreal”, “idiotic” and “shameful”, in addition to making many obscene gestures in the direction of Greece, Portugal and Ireland. The proposal was withdrawn Friday evening, however everyone on the EU commission was denying its authorship in an effort to avoid being tarred and feathered. “The only thing that’s left for the government to tax is wives and children,. They already tax my mistress,” said Mafia Don ‘Knuckles’ Scilenponti. Italy, like many other countries across the euro zone, is struggling to revive its economy and reduce its public debt and has considered taxing breathing, walking and thinking, the latter of which it does not seem to do very often. - based on Reuters articles, embellished by W.R. Maxwell **************** Pakistan has blocked the website Twitter because it refused to remove tweets it says are offensive. So what could the country that sheltered Ben Laden for 5 years consider as offensive? Pictures, but not the usual sexually explicit pictures that some countries banned back in the 1950’s - no sir. Pakistan blocked the site for pictures of the high muckymuck prophet moo-ham-id (a phonetic spelling used to disguise the name so Pakistan doesn’t block Metro ANE’s webpage). The incredible absurdity of Pakistan’s action is that the supposed pictures are on Facebook, not Twitter, and FB is already blocked in Pakistan! Negotiations between Pakistan’s Telecommunication’s Authority and Twitter fell apart Saturday night when the muslims un-friended and un-liked the western social networking site. ‘In a country where only 10% of the population has internet access, the action seems hardly necessary,’ said Mark Zuckerberg during his wedding reception. He went on to say, ‘I guess we’ll return the toaster they sent as a wedding gift.’ Since 2010, the Pakistani government has monitored major websites for antimuckymuck links and content. On Sunday, despite the government’s block of the Twitter website, many people in Pakistan continued to send and receive tweets by using scam-and-spam websites - a common practice in Pakistan. There was widespread criticism of the government’s blocking action by those Pakistani using unblocked internet chat rooms. One anonymous chat-ster called the move, “Another cheap self-righteous stunt.” - based on AP articles, embellished by W.R. Maxwell

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: Transsexuals : Transexxuals : Transsexuals : Transexxuals

It’s a sign of true love when you never want to be without each other. Dave Hurban clearly feels the love for his iPod Nano — taking the unusual step of drilling

and the forceps, it might calm you to know that Hurban isn’t exactly the squeamish type. He’s a bodypiercing artist — which should give the viewer of the following video some comfort despite the fact he preforms the procedure on himself. Clearly, he’s also pretty experi-

For someone who likes piercings and body art, I can understand Hurban’s need to push the envelope in looking for a new and interesting project. It is definitely unique and I suspect it will be hard to top.

holes in his arm to house magnets that will keep his Nano ever ready. Despite the drilling and the blood

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enced with some degree of pain, already possessing several piercings and a body full of tattoos.

I do wonder his thoughts on the practicality of the project. Not because he’ll get stopped at TSA screening every time he flies, though I’m sure that happens already. The issue I see is that

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technology advances so quickly he might find something he likes better to add to his wrist — after all there are those vibrating tattoos linked to your phone in the future. Practicality be damned though. I’m pretty sure that having his Nano at the ready is not the only reason why this guy did it. I think he did it to prove that he could. When he finds something better he likes he’ll just rip out those magnets and start over with the next best thing. LED lights perhaps?

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: Transsexuals : Transexxuals : Transsexuals : Transexxuals

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METRO ANE 05.23.2012