OPINION
K A M K E L LY
WHATEVER
MATES’ DATES Kam’s got a new crib, yo. Now, if only the plasterer would show up . . .
T
o sell and buy new? Or re-do? I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen Cribs. Any given rapper, singer, actor, presenter or reality TV ‘star’ on the show will have a foyer that’s the equivalent sum total floor space of your flat/midterraced house/semi-detached with drive and garage/detached Cotswold retreat with stables and kennels. Whatever property you own or rent, shows like Cribs will always make see your palace as a hovel. “WHY!?” you’ll howl at the moon from your south-facing terrace overlooking your lawn, shed and herb garden. “Why am I on the comparative breadline….? Ooh, talking of which, I really must pick up a fresh tiger loaf from Waitrose tomorrow.”
On the other hand, shows like Grand Designs make you go, “Well, it may not be in a converted water tower, windmill, hangar or labour camp but my place is lush.” Go back, Kevin McCloud, please go back. When you left those guys they were only £100k over budget and living in a caravan on his dad’s allotment. Please, go back and let me see the wonder of what they created. And please let me know that, while I’m sat in my comfy hovel, they have an incredible place that they had to compromise on and still can’t afford to heat. The Germans have a word for it – Schadenfreude – which the Oxford Dictionary defines as ‘joy derived from another person’s misfortune’. It’s an emotion familiar to all but the saintliest among us; basically, unless we’re talking about your nearest and dearest, other people’s misfortune cheers us up no end. All that said, I recently bought a place. I love it. Oh, stop asking if it overlooks the Avon, of course it does. It was empty when I viewed it. The tenant had long since gone, at the request/demand of the landlord/owner.
PROPERTY YOU OWN OR RENT, SHOWS LIKE CRIBS WLL MAKE YOU SEE YOUR PALACE AS A HOVEL The floor was ruined, the kitchen rotten, the bathroom was a petri dish and the carpets that remained were dark green. Beige once, probably. Having not only paid over my max, but also over paid over the asking price by £15k, I was left with a lot less to do the place up with than I had wanted. Yes, you can donate to my crowdfunder. Haven’t got a website yet, but stand by. I took ownership in early October last year. I moved in late November. One of my mates, who works in construction, promised me everything from plastering to a new boiler, kitchen and bathroom by the beginning of November for a quarter of the price I would normally have to pay. I’m still waiting for it all to be finished. Honestly, I will set up this website so you can help me. But the fact is, I walk around this place like I’m a camera from an episode of Cribs. Every time walk in to or past a room I slow down and double-take. Whether you’re moving or refurbing, try not to second-guess yourself. If it feels right then it’s probably right. If it feels beyond your means, then it’s probably wrong (in the short term) but also right (in the long term). I lucked out because of friends and clients of Sam FM. Having said that, I will be waiting for a long time for finishing touches. But when your mates charge you mates’ rates, I guess you have to work/live around mates’ dates.
Kam Kelly’s breakfast show, every weekday from 6am, Sam FM Bristol, 106.5fm
www.mediaclash.co.uk I BRISTOL LIFE I 75