1 INT. UKRAINE AIRPORT
BORIS enters the terminal at the Kiev airport in his native Ukraine. BORIS is tall and dashingly handsome. His piercing dark brown eyes and habitual smile have helped him overcome his obvious absent mindedness and lack of intelligence. BORIS checks his watch and pulls out a flyer with the heading of "135th Annual Select-A-Wife Convention. St. Petersburgh, Russia." The technology-barren airport is full of sad looking people dressed in similar gray and brown outfits. BORIS makes his way to the check-in counter. UKRAINIAN AIRPORT WORKER #1 Hello, may I help you? BORIS Yes madam, I am looking for a one-way ticket to St. Petersburgh. I am going to meet my wife (Proudly with a big smile). UKRAINIAN AIRPORT WORKER #1 Good for you, sir. What’s her name? BORIS I have yet to meet her, though I am sure she is beautiful. That is why I must go to St. Petersburg. (Flashing the flyer) UKRAINIAN AIRPORT WORKER #1 I’m sure she will be. So I have one ticket to St. Petersburg, that will be $247 and I’ll need to check your passport. BORIS A fair price to meet the love of my life. Boris hands the UKRAINIAN AIRPORT WORKER his money and passport, worker checks passport and prints off a ticket which she hands to BORIS. UKRAINIAN AIRPORT WORKER #1 Alright you’re flight will be taking off from gate 3 at 5 o’clock. BORIS Thank you madam.
UKRAINIAN AIRPORT WORKER #1 Enjoy your flight. Boris grabs ticket and heads towards the gates, he looks up and sees "St. Petersburg" and proceeds through the gate. After he passes under the gate the text scrolls and says "Florida." Boris approaches the AIRPORT WORKER #2 who is collecting tickets for those boarding the plane UKRAINIAN AIRPORT WORKER #2 Hello sir how are you today. BORIS I am on my way to meet my future wife. UKRAINIAN AIRPORT WORKER #2 Well enjoy you’re flight sir. BORIS Thank you very much Boris walks onto the plane, finds his seat and proceeds to sit down, put on his headphones and fall asleep. Timelapse and we see the flight attendant wake up Borris. FLIGHT ATTENDANT Sir we are about to land in St. Petersburgh, we’ll need you put your seat up and buckle in. BORIS Thank you, thank you. Boris puts away his headphones and proceeds to follow the flight attendants instructions and prepare himself for landing 2 INT. U.S. AIRPORT - DAY
We see a plane land in the runway. We see a terminal gate with people walking out of it. Last person out is Boris, who is taking his time observing all of his surroundings. Boris is approached by a slightly overweight man with a very tidy airport uniform. US AIRPORT WORKER Hello sir, welcome to America. BORIS America? No, St. Petersburgh.
US Airport worker is puzzled by this response but quickly realizes the source of Boris’ confusion. US AIRPORT WORKER Of course, yeah, this is the St. Petersburgh airport. Dressed a little warm for Florida don’t ya think. BORIS Florida? No, Russia. US AIRPORT WORKER No sir, this is the United states of America, land of the free, no commie Russians here. BORIS But I’m supposed to be in Russia, with my future wife. Boris looks around worried. BORIS (CONT.) I must get back on the plane. Boris attempts to turn around and get back on the plane, but is grabbed by US Airport worker. US AIRPORT WORKER Sorry pal, but you’re going to have to go through customs like everyone else. We see Boris being escorted to the end of a long line of disgruntled people waiting to go through customs. US AIRPORT WORKER Now you just wait your turn and they’ll check you in, then you can find out how to get to Russia on the other side. BORIS Thank you very much. Boris looks around noticing the two lines, one for American citizens (which is moving considerably faster) and the line he is in for people visiting the country. Time goes by and eventually Boris makes it to the check in booth.
4. BOOTH ATTENDANT Hello sir, how are you doing today. BORIS Very good, I am new to this country but am not supposed to be here, I am going to Russia, not Florida. BOOTH ATTENDANT Russia, these cross overs get more and more ridiculous all the time. Can I see your papers?
Boris hands the booth attendant his papers and the Booth Attendant checks them and returns them to him. Booth attendant then grabs a piece of paper and writes a message on it. BOOTH ATTENDANT Alright, now just take this paper to someone at the front desk and they’ll get you on the right flight back to Russia. BORIS Thank you very much, you are very helpful person. Boris wanders through the gate and proceeds through the airport on the way to the front gate. As Boris walks through the airport we see people of all different races and elasticities, dressed in colorful clothing. This is a drastic change from the cold dull grays and browns Boris was use to back in the Ukraine. There is a large group of James Bond impersonators wandering the airport wearing tuxedos and ear pieces. Boris finds the front desk and approaches it. BORIS Hello, I am looking to get to Russia. US AIRPORT DESK WORKER Russia eh, well let’s see what we got here... US Airport desk worker looks at computer in search for the next flight. US AIRPORT DESK WORKER (CONT.) Well looks like our next flight is going out tomorrow at 4 o’clock, how does that sound? (CONTINUED)
BORIS That is great. US AIRPORT DESK WORKER Alright, so that will be $564, cash or charge. Boris becomes nervous and is clearly worried about something. Checks his pockets and pulls out nothing. BORIS I don’t have any moneys. US AIRPORT DESK WORKER I’m sorry about that, but if you don’t have any money I can’t give you a ticket. If you’d like you can wait over there. US airport desk worker points to a corner of the lobby where a group of people seem to be waiting for something. US AIRPORT DESK WORKER (CONT.) and we’ll send someone over to help you as soon as possible. BORIS Thank you very much I appreciate your help greatly. Boris heads over and sits down with the others waiting to be helped. On his way over a voice comes over the intercom. INTERCOM The bus heading to the James convention in Miami will be departing from gate 18 in 1 hour. Boris sits and waits as the others around him are assisted one by one and eventually someone comes to speak with Boris. CUSTOMS WORKER Hello there, how can I help you? BORIS Yes, I am trying to get to Russia but I have no money, I must get there to meet my future wife. CUSTOMS WORKER Well let’s just take a look at your papers.
Customs worker looks over Boris’ papers and looks a little distressed about what he see’s. CUSTOMS WORKER Well sir, it appears as though you don’t have the proper permissions to stay in the country so first off I’ll have to ask you not to leave the airport. BORIS What if I wish to go outside to see the birds or the water. CUSTOMS WORKER Well then one of our immigrant wranglers will have to be called in to chase you down and then you’ll be in big trouble with Uncle Sam. BORIS Immigrant wranglers? CUSTOMS WORKER Yeah, I’m sure you’ve seen them around here, they’re all wearing identical suits, ear pieces, they walk around here like they own the place. BORIS becomes frighten by the amount of these men he has seen. BORIS Yes, I know these men. CUSTOMS WORKER Alrighty then, well I’ll just set you up in a temporary spot and I’ll look into seeing how we can get you back to Russia. The customs worker quickly rises and takes off before Boris can say anything. Boris is left sitting alone for hours and eventually gets up to walk around and do some stretching. As he walks around the airport he passes by a sliding glass door that leads outside. It is a beautiful day outside, not a cloud in the sky and Boris debates whether to go outside or not. BORIS I’ll just take a quick step outside, no one will notice
Boris "sneaks" outside and is greeted by a warm breeze, Boris loves it. But as he is enjoying the weather he spots a lost Bond impersonator walking towards the sliding glass door. Boris panics and starts walking quickly away from the airport in an attempt to avoid who he thinks is an Immigrant Wrangler. 3 EXT. "GATOR WORLD" - DAY
BORIS is walking around St. Petersburg when a neon alligator sign catches his attention. Neon signage is new to Boris, so he follows the arrows curiously. Eventually he finds himself wandering down a dirt road where he finds himself standing in front of a shed with a "now hiring" sign on the door. Door flies open with BIG BILL standing in doorway BIG BILL Your the new alligator trainer I suppose. You don’t look like no Cuban I’d ever seen. BORIS Not Cuban, Boris. I’d like job very much(Pointing to sign on door). I start now? BIG BILL Ain’t never had a worker as eager as you. Let’s get started now before you wet yourself. BIG BILL walks a confused BORIS around the grounds at "Gator World" BIG BILL I reckon this is a good place for you to start. Two baby gators, just hatched last week. All you gotta do is feed em’, clean em’, treat em’ like your babies. Do all that and you’ll get your paycheck at the end of the week. BORIS I will take care of your leather puppies for you. I treat like my babies. BIG BILL Well good, be here by sun up tomorrow morning.
Audio/Visual Montage of BORIS working the cages for 3 months, raising the gators as his own, setting up a hammock in the cage, interacting with the tourists learning American popular culture from a Miami University football jersey and a Disney World T-Shirt. Alligators get progressively bigger until the montage is interrupted. BORIS is filling-up the gators trough when he finds his gators waiting right behind him. Gators have a certain menacing look, situation becomes tense. BORIS Here my babies, dinner is served (nervously and stuttering) Out of no where, 3 of the bigger gators that share the cage come marching straight towards BORIS as he unleashed a loud screech. BORIS Tinker-Bell! Mulan! Your friends are playing too rough! The gators start nudging BORIS into the corner of the cage, opening their jaws wide revealing shinny sharp teeth. BORIS climbs out of the cage and starts running towards the highway. Once he reaches US 4, he is met with a giant light up billboard for Walt Disney World. BORIS The Happiest Place on Earth. I want to go to there. Camera pans out of BORIS standing alone the side of the highway then goes to black. 4 EXT. BORIS GOES TO DISNEY WORLD
BORIS wakes up next to an elderly woman dressed as Minnie Mouse on a passenger bus whose driver invited BORIS the night before at a rest station to join them on the drive to Orlando shown as flashback. Out the window the Disney Castle is visible. BORIS Excuse me, Mrs. Mouse (Leaning towards the elderly woman) whose castle is that? ELDERLY WOMAN Why that is Cinderellaâ€™s castle (in Minnie Mouse voice) The most (MORE) (CONTINUED)
ELDERLY WOMAN (cont’d) beautiful girl in the whole Magic Kingdom! BORIS Do you have a picture of her? Reaching into her red and white polka dot purse the elderly women pulls out a picture of Cinderella and hands it to BORIS whose eyes bulge out at first sight. BORIS I will make this Princess my wife and we will live in the Magic Kingdom forever. STOP! BORIS makes the bus driver stop and he gets off and starts running towards Cinderella’s Castle. He jumps over the fence in a wooded area where he finds some train tracks. BORIS follows the train tracks to an opening where he sees the castle. BORIS Nothing can stop Boris now! BORIS makes his way down Disney Main Street when all of a sudden a blonde in a flowing blue dress catches his eye. BORIS Cinderella has left the castle today, I must ask her to marry me! BORIS awkwardly approaches the actress playing Cinderellas and grabs her from behind. BORIS I have come to rescue you my bride! Come with.... (Interrupted) CINDERELLA ACTRESS Get your hands off of me! (Followed by a piercing scream) BORIS sees two men dressed in black suits with hand held radios come running towards him. BORIS Immigrant wranglers! Cinderella you must come with me right away. CINDERELLA ACTRESS I’m not going anywhere. Those guys are going to show you never to (MORE) (CONTINUED)
10. CINDERELLA ACTRESS (cont’d) touch the characters again. (Shakes her arm free from the grasp of BORIS) BORIS My future wife is friends with the wranglers! I need to leave this Kingdom.
BORIS turns and runs straight out of the park, heart broken and defeated as he attempts to hide from the Immigrant wranglers he believes are following him. Boris runs for miles stopping only to investigate a large crowd of men at a Waffle House dressed in colorful clothing. BORIS cautiously approaches the last brightly clothed man in the parking lot. BORIS Hello I am Boris. Why are you and yours friends dressed like tucans? JAMES Well hello there handsome, a pleasure to meet you. All the boys are driving down to Key West for Pridefest you should join us! BORIS I will go anywhere with you as long as it is far far away from this Kingdom! James is elated, mistaking BORIS’s friendliness as flirtatious. They get in the car and start driving south as the sun sets in the background. 5 INT. BORIS GOES TO MIAMI
BORIS wakes up as the sun is rising. The car is parked in a gas station outside of Miami. He wipes his eyes and sees JAMES returning to the car with a large brown bag. JAMES I brought us some breakfast and entertainment for the rest of the ride (handing BORIS a stack of adult magazines) BORIS (Flipping through the pages) Why don’t these men have hair around their private parts?
JAMES (laughing hysterically) In America, us boys have to keep things clean for each other, you know what I’m saying? BORIS Yes, I understand but why do you need so many grooming magazines? JAMES (Still laughing) Cute and funny, how have you not found a boyfriend yet? BORIS You are my boy friend JAMES! Now lets get moving to the West Keys so we can find our wives. JAMES (Puzzled and disappointed) Our wives? Oh no honey I think your a little confused. We are going to Key West for the annual Pridefest. You do understand what that means dont you? BORIS Pridefest yes I have pride! Lets go! JAMES leans in and kisses BORIS right on the mouth. BORIS quickly pushes him away and jumps out of the car. BORIS You are man! You can not kiss Boris! BORIS turns and once again starts running away from the car. JAMES Always barking up the wrong tree aren’t ya James... It takes BORIS a couple of hours of wandering but he eventually makes it near the center of Miami. BORIS looks towards the coast where an ominous dark cloud looms. BORIS turns around and keeps walking as the screen fades to black.
6 EXT. ALLEY OF "THE SHAVEN CLAM" - NIGHT
BORIS slowly walks down the dark alley. It’s RAINING really hard. BORIS This is no good. I try so hard to get good jobs and do good work so I don’t have to leave America, but I failed. The leather puppies almost killed me, Cinderella declined my offer to marry her, James doesn’t want to be my friend and none of my jobs liked me. I am a failure. Now I will never get a green card and stay in America. BORIS stops walking. He is basking in bright pink neon lights. A sign reading "The Shaven Clam" is directly above him. He walks inside to escape the rain. 7
INT. "THE SHAVEN CLAM"
BORIS enters "The Shaven Clam" and sees SAMANTHA. SAMANTHA is dancing on a pole. There is a GLOW around her. BORIS stares at SAMANTHA. BORIS (To himself) I must marry her. I will make her my wife and we live happily in America. FRANKIE, the strip club owner, approaches BORIS. He has a heavy New Jersey accent. FRANKIE You gonna be look at my girls, you gonna pay my girls. Got it? BORIS I want to look at her forever. What is her name? FRANKIE Who? Oh, that’s Champagne. Her real name is...uh...Samantha. BORIS I want to marry her.
Yeah, you who walks (Looks at shit, not MESS UP!
FRANKIE and every other sleazebag through this joint. a spill on the floor). Ah again. SOMEONE CLEAN THIS
BORIS’ eyes widen and he smiles as he has an idea. Audio/Visual Montage of BORIS working as maintenance guy at "The Shaven Clam". Shots of him cleaning tables and floors. Some of him nervously talking to SAMANTHA and admiring her dance. BORIS walks SAMANTHA to her car. SAMANTHA Boris, I know we only just met a few weeks ago, but i think you’re cute. And I really like you, and I think I’m starting to fall for you. (Leans in and gives BORIS a quick kiss) I know it’s a bit soon, but I don’t want to lose you. If you got deported back to the Ukraine, I’d be heartbroken. BORIS I don’t want you to be heartbroken. You can come to Ukraine with me? SAMANTHA What I’m getting at silly goose is(gets down on one knee) will you marry me? We can live happily ever after here in America because you’ll have a green card! We will have such a great life together. BORIS Yes! Let’s go! SAMANTHA Go? Go where? BORIS To get married! We are in love and I want you to be my wife. Let’s go now!
14. 8 INT. MIAMI COURTHOUSE
BORIS and SAMANTHA walk towards the downtown courthouse. The giant courthouse casts such a shadow over the couple they are forced to stop and gaze at its intimidating size and structure. They look at each other and as they both take a deep breath, they nod at each other and begin to walk into the building. Once in the building they are greeted by a small Latin-American clerk named FERNANDO. SAMANTHA Hi. Me and Boris want to get married. Boris is from the Ukraine so I need some of that different paperwork. FERNANDO You want to marry him? SAMANTHA Yes. Boris looks confused at this question and begins to open his mouth but does not say anything and simply eyes Fernando. Fernando hands the two a stack of paper work. BORIS Why we have to fill out more paper? SAMANTHA Cuz your not from America silly. BORIS Oh okay. In Ukraine we just pay more. Boris and Samantha find a secluded area to fill out their paperwork. Boris seems to be struggling with his but Samantha never actually notices. Finally, all the initial paperwork is complete and the couple goes back up to Fernando and hands him their papers. Fernando glances over them and when he comes to Borisâ€™s he looks up in disgust to which Boris just smiles. FERNANDO Okay let me run this in the back. This shouldnâ€™t take to long. BORIS Thank you sir. Boris and Samantha return to their seats. They look around the room and notice a large amount of other odd looking couples also waiting for marriage clerks. (CONTINUED)
15. SAMANTHA Oh Boris do you think that everything will go smoothly? BORIS What? SAMANTHA Do you think we will be able to get a marriage license? BORIS Uh, yes, I’m sure. SAMANTHA Oh Boris, I’m so excited baby. BORIS Yes Yes, me too.
A few hours go by and Samantha falls asleep on Boris’s shoulder. Boris begins to notice that a lot of people are getting called including several who came in after Boris and Samantha. This makes Boris very nervous. Right before Boris was about to wake Samantha up and suggest they should leave, Fernando looks at them and becons them to come up to his desk. SAMANTHA So are we married yet? BORIS Yes am I husband and she my wife? FERNANDO Well not exactly... SAMANTHA What do you mean not exactly? FERNANDO Here, will both of you just come in the back with me for a second? SAMANTHA Sure. Boris begins to inch away towards the main doors of the courthouse but Samantha grabs his hand. SAMANTHA Boris, we’re so close. Come on baby trust me everything is gonna be okay.
A very nervous Boris and calm Samantha follow Fernando through halways past holding cells and in front of an office with large stained wood doors. 9 INT. MIAMI COURTHOUSE
FERNANDO opens the door to the giant room and leads SAMANTHA and BORIS into the room which is filled with globes and maps from around the world. MR. BLACKSTONE is seated at a large steel desk and is frantically writing away in what looks like a large ledger. FERNANDO Mr. Blackstone, this is the couple I was telling you about sir. The foreigner and the stripper. SAMANTHA Hey! FERNANDO Sorry I meant dancer. BORIS Exotic dancer! FERNANDO Sorry, I meant exotic dancer. Anyway, Boris and Samantha, this is Mr. Blackstone. He is our State Department representative on foreign affairs here in Miami and will explain to you exactly whats going on. MR. BLACKSTONE Please, have a seat. Boris and Samantha look at each other then wander over to a couple large leather chairs facing Mr. Blackstoneâ€™s desk. MR. BLACKSTONE Boris, do you remember a lot about your birth? BORIS No, only that my mother, Danya, she give birth to me then my father not there.
17. MR. BLACKSTONE So she never mentioned where you were born, like what hospital? BORIS We have only one hospital near my house so I know where it is. MR. BLACKSTONE Yes well, do you remember Bradley Air Force Base? It was located about 25 miles outside of your hometown and was deserted approximately 20 years ago. BORIS Uh yes. Yes I do. SAMANTHA I’m sorry, but what exactly does this have to do with us getting married? MR. BLACKSTONE You’ll see in a minute sweetheart.
Samantha pouts and sinks back into her chair with a confused and angry look on her face. MR. BLACKSTONE Anyway Boris, it seems that on July 26th, 1980, a young woman was rushed to the Air Force base’s trauma center. Her name was Danya Ulemenykov. BORIS That is my mothers name? MR. BLACKSTONE Right, well anyway, approximately around 9pm she gave birth to a Boris Aleksander Ulemenykov. BORIS That is my name?! SAMANTHA Boris I never knew your middle name was Aleksander? Mr. Blackstone looks at both Samantha and Boris and raises one eyebrow and shakes his head before he considers speaking again. (CONTINUED)
MR. BLACKSTONE I know this may be a little difficult to follow, but what I am getting at is that Boris, you were born on American soil. Thus you were administered American Citizenship, and therefore are actually American. SAMANTHA I’m sorry what? BORIS Yes. Please repeat?! MR. BLACKSTONE The whole thing or the part about him being American? SAMANTHA American. BORIS Yes American. MR. BLACKSTONE Boris, your American. You don’t need a green card to stay here. In fact, all you guys need to do is sign these papers and your married. Boris and Samantha look at each other and in a mere matter of seconds, grab the nearest pen, sign the documents, roughly hug Mr. Blackstone, and barrel out of the courthouse hand in hand. SAMANTHA Boris what should we do now? BORIS Maybe Ukraine?...No, Gator World!