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VOLUME 62

Rabbits fight back against UVic’s cull operation, p. 2 Locals support UVic Rabbits’ Society in carrot debt, p. 2 All bunns called on to protect the rights of lagomorphs, p. 3 Throw out old bunny-style and enhance your sex life, p. 4

April 1, 2010

@!


Lettuce

•Want to become a Carroteer? Visit our office at the briar patch outside Ring Road. •We’re still recruiting allies to support the rabbit mission. Come in and chat with us. Editor Dutch Lopp

lettuce@martlet.ca

UVic rabbits fear upcoming cull, seek allies for help by DUTCH LOPP Rabbits are fearing for their lives on campus this week, as plans to evoke a new “rabbit cull” was announced by UVic administration last Monday, March 29. The cull was announced after the BCSPCA spokesperson Bunnie Kilingsworth told UVic officials that the rabbits on campus posed a “serious threat” to the university community, including the buildings, humans and status quo of the institution. In an effort to distract UVic officials from the rabbit cull project, a group of human allies, known as Food Not Lawns Collective (FNLC) performed a dig-in on March 24, to prove that matters “could be worse” at UVic. “It’s imperative that the university sees the value of our fine furry friends, and that they realize we’re all ready to protect them if need be. We won’t stop at digging like rabbits. We’re prepared to go all the way,” said Matilda Owlen of FNLC. Currently, members of FNLC, a group of rogue student activists, have not specified what “all the way” could mean. Despite efforts of FNLC, last week UVic President Dandelion Turfspin stated that “it’s time to take action against the encroaching population of rabbit militants.” Turfspin said that, while exact details of the cull

operation will be kept confidential, the campus can expect to see an 80 per cent decrease in population in the coming weeks. “I’m sorry, but it’s at the point where we have no other options,” Turfspin told the Carrot. Members of the UVic Rabbits’ Society (UVRS) are outraged by the blatant threats and discrimination the university has “relentlessly showed” against rabbits on campus. “We have a right to be here just as much as any human does,” UVRS Chair Monica Hareson said. “Right now, UVic is seeing some serious overcrowding issues, and a threat to the health of its campus. But they’re not talking about a human cull, or other more civilized options like that. This move is outrageously encouraging hatred and intolerance for rabbits everywhere.” Many rabbits on campus are horrified by the university’s move, and some have questioned the longterm feasibility of even associating with UVic. “My family has lived here for almost 16 generations, but now everything could change,” said Petunia Hopper, a long-time UVic rabbit. “I just don’t know how I could ever raise a nest in an environment where murdering innocent beings is openly encouraged.”

Protests have been cropping up all over campus, with hundreds of rabbits gathering at once to protest the administration. On Tuesday, March 30, the UVRS staged a “die-in” around the Peter Rabbit Fountain. Over 550 rabbits showed up to lie on their backs and mock what a mass murder would look like. The event shocked UVic humans, many of whom left in tears, previously knowing nothing about the upcoming cull. “I think [Tuesday’s] event really showed the UVic body what an impact a mass cull will have on the campus,” said UVRS Director of Carrots Freddy Pullbunny. “When people walk away crying, you know you’ve done something right.” Pullbunny, who has been a leading activist in the fight against the cull, has been trying to meet with Turfspin and other university officials to look at alternatives to the cull. Some have suggested evacuating the rabbit population to a less invasive area, like the Cedar Hill Corner (also known as the CJVI Lands). Currently, the land is being fought over by both the university and human gardening initiatives. “The problem with relocating our population is that we’ve been here for so long. Telling rabbits to just pick up and leave their homes isn’t realistic. It’s discrimination and it’s

Rabbits support UVRS need UVic Rabbits’ Society receives carrot funding from residents ready to help by JEMIMA KUCUMBER-STICKS UVic rabbits hopped into action last week to show their love for the UVic Rabbits’ Society (UVRS) at the “SUBvert Our Dirt” event. “SUBvert Our Dirt” was put on to raise food for the UVRS’ 300,000carrot debt. Held by the Peter Rabbit Fountain, it featured music, games and speeches by current and former UVRS board members. Apple cores and “I love rabbit politics” t-shirts were sold to raise carrots, and board members circled the crowd holding buckets where rabbits could donate their spare supplies. “We just couldn’t control [the debt] anymore,” said UVRS Director of Carrots Freddy Pullbunny. “Turning to rabbits for help really was our last option.” Pullbunny says the biggest reason the UVRS is in debt is that workers in the Student Union Building (SUB) demanded a pay raise last year, which affected every member of the campus community, right down to the rabbits. The workers threatened to chew through electrical wires and cause irreparable damage to the building if their carrot wages were not raised. “They work hard and they deserve the increase,” said Pullbunny. “We just really couldn’t work that kind of lettuce into the budget.”

2 LETTUCE

SCOTT CHEESE

UVRS Director of Carrots Freddy Pullbunny (above) and others are urging the university to find alternatives to the proposed rabbit cull project.

unfair,” said Pullbunny. “It’s time for us all to stand up and say ‘no.’” To learn more about the cull, or

to find out how to join a protest, contact the UVRS by dropping into their office at the quad.

UVic bunnies uncertain about future job market by STEWART HOTOT

Last fall’s campaign to convince rabbits to join national lobby group Rabbits Across Borders Interested in Educating Students (RABIES) also pushed the UVRS into the red. “The RABIES campaign was a little expensive, but it was worth it,” said UVRS Chair Monica Hareson. “Our RABIES membership has really given us an edge in the fight for rabbits’ rights because we get to work in solidarity with other rabbit unions.” If the debt remains unchecked, Pullbunny says the SUB may have to be closed indefinitely, including campus watering hole, Warren’s. “Can you imagine the uproar there’d be? Everyone’s tail would be in a twist,” said Pullbunny. Many students seemed sympathetic to the UVRS’ situation at “SUBvert Our Dirt.” “They’ve had a really tough year, especially fighting that group that wanted to stop us from reproducing every month,” said Jessica Babit, a fourth-year bur-

row building rabbit. “I think they really need our support right now. I mean, they’re fluffing trying, right?” Others, however, thought the board should have looked elsewhere for funds. “It’s not fair,” said Buds Bunné, a second-year Holland Lop studies rabbit. “They dug themselves into this and they should dig their own way out.” “SUBvert Our Dirt” raised about $1,500 for the UVRS. “I’m impressed,” said Pullbunny. “I didn’t really think we’d get a carrot.” Overall, Hareson thought the event went well and was happy with the support. “Sometimes, it feels like we’re just talking amongst ourselves and nobunny outside the board is really paying attention,” she said. “So it’s nice to know that rabbits all over campus really care about what we’re doing and think it’s important enough to contribute carrots to.”

“We just couldn’t work that kind of lettuce into the budget,” - Freddy Pullbunny UVRS Director of Carrots

Victoria B.C. (BUN) — With a renewed carrot recession still in full swing, graduate rabbits at UVic are getting increasingly worried about their economic futures. While some rabbits at the university have recently received job offers from the Raptor-Lagomorpha-Canidae Center, an institute that specializes in the species survival, others are burrowing down with plans of starting families. Meanwhile, others are stuck trying to decide between the two options. “When rabbits with degrees in Foraging and Digging join their comrades with advanced degrees in Reproductive Reconstruction Surgery and Predator Studies, as they all walk across the floor to receive their carrot skins and become fully qualified rabbits ... it’s a magical moment,” said Dean of Vegetable Studies Peter Cottontail, who adds that he has seen his fair share of success stories. Magic aside, Cottontail acknowledges that many rabbits are feeling anxiety about what to do after graduation. “Some students have of course heard the horror stories that those rabbits that don’t select a mate and breed are somehow killed and consumed, but there is no evidence

of such a policy,” said Cottontail. As of press time, no interviews could be obtained with any single graduate rabbits. Carl Wigglehop, a bunny with an advanced degree in Trap Detection and a minor in Vegetables is worried about the market. “My parents have never told me how they got into their careers, just that everything fell in place after they had me and my 12 brothers and sister,” Wigglehop said. When asked what his parents do now, Wigglehop said he didn’t know, but that one day he peaked inside his dad’s briefcase to discover suntan lotion, digging tools and “a lot of latex wrappings with the label Trojans on them.” “He must be a really satisfied engineer or something, because he always comes home with a smile on his face and dirt on his paws,” Wigglehop said. Co-op Executive Director Norie McBunnie says that all the worry is unnecessary. “Whatever these bright young bunnies decide when they graduate, it is sure to make many on the faculty of the university very satisfied after being starved of pride for their students for so long now,” she said.

April 1, 2010


Grass

•Vive la révolution! Got a story you need to get off your furry chest? Write in and let the world have it. In these troubled times, it’s the least we can do to assert our power. Editor Jemima Kucumber-Sticks

grass@martlet.ca

Calling all bunns to the mattresses With our civilization under attack, it’s now time to stand up and fight back by KODO PATCHES

JESS SEEDHULL

Between sub-par food and overcrowding, life at UVic can he challenging.

It’s a hard-knock life by JARDIN DAIKONRADISH I’ve been a rabbit at UVic for about a year now and, while I think the campus is a sweet-ass place, there are some things which just aren’t right. For one thing, UVic is friggin’ crowded. Once I was hopping up to this majorly cute bunnette when this dood just jumped in between us and sat there eating. I was like — dood, what the fluff? But then there’s suddenly like a hundred rabbits right there, and the moment was totally gone. There is also a ridiculous accommodation shortage at UVic. This year, the lounge at the top of the Elliot stairs was converted to a full-out nest site. Now they’re saying it’s against sanitation rules or whatever, and they’ll have to shut down the whole thing. Way to plan, UVic. Agree on a strategy for accommodating more rabbits already. Every year it’s some new rumour or plan, and no one knows what the hell is going on. And quit holding us accountable for every single bit of property damage, okay? This is a fluffing university. Some damage is going to happen inevitably. Okay, maybe we went overboard the night we dug holes in the track and chewed holes through car tires, but there had been a bowl of fruit sitting in the concrete jungle for a week and our whole warren got totally wasted. It was a badass night too. I was out in the middle of the lawn and I was doing, like, random flips and kicking everywhere and fluff. One of my buddies was just lying there on his stomach, totally zoned, and my other buddy kept running in circles around me and laughing, all like, “Dood, you look fluffing hilarious,” and then running away. And all these bunnettes were sitting around us and watching the whole thing. Except the next day everyone thumped the message to their friends, so every rabbit on campus knew about it and was making fun of me. Anyhow, it was a pretty decent night, except for the part where some moultbag bit me. Also, the food on campus totally sucks. Seriously. I don’t like to complain, but if I get handed the

April 1, 2010

same generic tomato-wedge, lettuce-piece combo one more time, I will be fluffing annoyed. And dood — what is up with the 7 p.m. closing time? Sweet Greens has the only decent vegetables, and it closes in the fluffing afternoon. Most of us are stuck getting greasy tzatziki crap from Caps, since it’s the only place that’s still open late. That is, unless we want to just stay by our nests and eat stepped-on old grass, or someone brings a grocery bag up to campus. If UVic was actually as sustainable as it claimed to be, the university would let us procure our own food on campus. But, instead, the administration has consistently disregarded the importance of local food and shut down our rights to food security. Have you been in front of the library recently? Completely disrespecting the local bark source we had established outside the front doors, the university bulldozed the shrubs that surrounded our trees. Then they put wire around them so we could no longer access our vital resources. Having been thusly violated, we constructed burrows mourning our stolen rabbit rights, but UVic chose to silence our voice and removed even these signs of our expression. If we don’t want to keep being harrassed by the Man, we need to band together. A group of us has begun meeting every Wednesday behind Sedgewick to eat kinnikinnick leaves — that ancient and completely perfect plant, which has been given a bogus reputation by the administration out of their desire to retain their position of power over herbivores. In fact, it has been argued that rabbits have basically evolved to eat kinnikinnick, and eating kinnikinnick is the fundamental purpose of our lives. Basically, university has been proven to be fundamentally useless. A “higher education,” while I don’t deny it’s value, has no real importance in our real lives. So, let’s relax, enjoy life and keep our university real. It’s still a sweet campus on which to be a rabbit, and that whole three-to-one bunnette ratio totally fluffing rocks.

It’s a good day to die. Yes, my feral bunnies, it is time to mount our own frontal assault on these invasive humanoid imperials. We will now fight to save our lush lands in the spirit of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, who spilt the blood of King Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table so many ages ago. It’s time to lunge at their necks to save our brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and great-great-great-great grand daughters, and all bunn-bunns in between. We all know the threat facing our kind here at UVic. Militias of vicious nad nippers, led by General Pispants, have been terrorizing our settler friends near the bountiful frontier lands of the Ringed Flatfields. Those lands, prophesized by the Eternal Springs of the Quad, are the boundary territories of our peaceable dominion. But settling our rightful home has provoked a cowardly terror. That terror is UVic Presidenté Dandelion Turfspin. “These abandoned rabbits must die. They’ve littered our campus with mucky feces, destroyed our native plants and set trap-holes for our best athletes,” said Turfspin to his minions only yesterday. “First, we will hit the males where it hurts most — the junk. Then, we shall exterminate the remaining females and baby bunnies as the emasculated survivors look on.” Bunns, this threat is existential. We must hit them before they hit us. I know some of you favour greater dialogue and ally-building with the student population, but it is now clear those students are only a stalling tool for a cabal of administrators who plot to wipe us off this campus, like they did our old martlet friends. Manielle Nope, leader of the cruelly-named Martlet newspaper, fronts this effort to placate peaceniks and inform the hawks among the students. “Not that we condone vigilante rabbit hangings or rabbit stew potlucks on campus, we just think sterilizing the population is something we should work toward before undertaking the cull,” Nope said to students in recent weeks. This was joyous news to General Pispants, who pounced on the remarks, saying “our sterilizing pilot showed us the complexities of such a project, which is not likely to achieve our longer-term objectives for feral rabbit management.” This war is coming to our burrows. It’s time to take action. You all remember martyr Mac, the biggest bunny on campus, who was the first victim of vigilante hangings. He was the first of us to ally with the existentialist ninja squirrels, and the first of us to strike back at a student who tried to kick him. “We only actually exist through our actions ... and look at us, we

GLEN O’NIBBLES

Your fellow allies are ready to stand and fight for you — if you are too.

really don’t do anything,” Mac once told me. This wise bunny saw through the pall and acted. He befriended the ninja squirrel leader, Gustav, and learned the art of the sword to become Bunnsara, Hero of the Hole. It is time to re-forge a grand alliance with the squirrels and take the fight to the leaders of the humans. So take our young and infirm to our deepest burrows, and stash as many blades of grass, leaves and cecotropes as you can. We’re digging in. All able bunnies should fan out across the land, springing out in front of cyclists, joggers and buses to make them swerve into trees. Others must begin to build elaborate tunnels under key human installations vulnerable to collapse. Crack teams will deploy leaves and sticks to block storm drains, just before storms, in an effort to flood the humans out of their buildings. The bravest of our numbers will form units with the squirrels, launching acorn strikes to be followed up with foot biting on vulnerable sandled feet. Even baby bunnies can be potent soldiers, using their adorable allure to bite students foolish enough to try to reach out and snatch them. Know that there are even kamikaze squirrels who have committed to trouser raids, should they see squirrel tail scalps. We should match their resolve if we see the enemy sporting gruesome tokens of our slain numbers, such as rabbit root key chains. These monstrous humans will find our true wrath when we go for their throats.

We will win this war, as all peaceful critters have in the face of human expansion and encroachment. Many of our number will perish, fighting for our homes. But many more, nay, all of us shall die if we don’t stand up and defend ourselves. We have force of numbers and an uncanny ability to multiply. Reinforcements are always on the way. So don’t despair, my bunns in arms. History is on our side and there will always be another life beyond this mortal coil. Valholella!

Feral activism everywhere With the university finally taking a strong stance against rabbits on the UVic campus, don’t lose your chance to stand up and have your opinion, and your life, counted. Whether it’s pawing a petition, wreaking extra havoc on the university, recruiting allies, or joining in a protest, use this and coming weeks to leave your mark. Here are events going on this week. Thusday, April 1: meet other bunns at the quad for another UVRS staged “die-in.” This event will draw a crowd. Friday, April 2: meet at the UVRS office in the quad to sign the “No Cull” petition, and to rally our allies. Saturday, April 3: join rabbits, allies and the UVRS in storming UVic President Dandelion Turfspin’s head office. Sunday, April 4: attend the quad lecture to learn how to protect yourself and your family in troubled times.

GRASS 3


Apples FLUFF LIKE RABBITS

•The Carrot is always looking for extra furry help. Come to our office on Tuesdays for some celery sticks and other insightful treats to get your heart rate hopping. Editor Kodo Patches

Live so you’re loving it Here are 10 ways to really survive your time at UVic by JET REX

ELENA SHERENGOVSKAYA

Old bunny-style can get boring, but our options are biologically limited.

Get radical with your sex by BUNNY LOVE Dear Bunny Love, Sex is always the same for me. A buck mounts me from behind, thrusts away for a couple minutes, and before I know it I’m back where I started— grazing on grass and keeping an eye out of the next lucky bachelor. I’m bored. I want to experiment with new positions but it doesn’t seem like anybody wants to talk about doing it any other way. Am I the only rabbit who wants to spice it up a bit? Bored with Behind

sake of your life, it’s best to not go after these dangerously delicious plants. 5. Join in the “Food Not Lawns Collective” demonstrations. Supporting the humans in their positive efforts shows we are invested in the issue and that we would like a little more variety in our diets than grass, grass, grass. A varied diet makes for a healthy bunny. You’ll feel agile and alive — ready to flee at any moment. 6. Keep up your speed. Take a break from that constant chewing and get a good run in everyday. This will increase your chance of survival, and cut you a fine figure. When you look good, you feel good, too. 7. Stay underground. At rush hour, it is best to stay inside your burrow. Make the best of it. Hang out with your warren, and make some new friends. Don’t be afraid to socialize. Be your charming little self and you might even catch the attention of a few prospective mates. 8. Party it up. Use weekend time to head to an underground rabbit rave. That’s where all the rad rabbits go to keep safe, and they definitely know how to party. 9. Spring safely. In any party situation, be respectful of each other’s boundaries. Just because we like to, well, have fun, doesn’t mean we’re going to hop on every eye twinkle we see. Always remember to get consent. 10. Make haste. Anytime you see a cat, dog, hawk, eagle, owl, raccoon, wolf, cougar, bear or small human child, run.

“Supporting the humans in their positive efforts shows we are invested in the issue and that we would like a little more variety in our diets than grass, grass, grass.”

ANNOUNCEMENTS Job offer — Are you a calm breed like a Dutch or Dutch mix and enjoy receiving a lot of attention? We need you to join our Calm and Cute Cavalry. This job entails sitting in the sun or shade outside of major human cluster locations, looking cute, being friendly and approachable, approaching humans, eating handouts, grooming each other in view of humans, and posing for adorable photos. Meetings for tryouts are everyday, all day, outside the library near Peter Rabbit Fountain, and the cluster units.

CLASSIFIEDS For rent — Three-den rabbit hole located near the visual arts building. South facing, bush protected, short hop to small forest location, close to friendly humans. Previous tenants were Lionheads, so dens are well stocked with nesting fur. For showings, contact the Ducks. LOOKING FOR LOVE! White male, domesticated, Dwarf Hotot looking for female, blue Rex with a full face to show me the wild side. Prefer larger breed but mini is okay too. Contact me on the Southeast corner. I could be yours: Male steel grey Flemish Giant, 15 pounds, very friendly unless startled. Hoping to find another large breed to share the intimate moments of life with. Look for me near the engineering building. IT’S TIME TO PLAY — All-black mix looking to dominate any bunny breed. Find me on top of the pyramid at midnight and bring twigs. For sale: Leftover food stock from winter to first rabbit, mouse, or rat with decent offer. Thought wife was pregnant, turns out she was spayed previous to her release; bloated belly result of eating processed foods. LOST. Uncounted numbers of rabbits. Any information please contact black American Lop, in the top of the northwest sector. Found — If you are a new rabbit or bunny please find your way to blue American Lop, south for check-in. LAST CHANCE! Join us in protest at the quad on April 1 to fight for rights .

“I really love watching them squeal and get all excited when they see a group of us just sitting there. It’s so cute how they flap their arms.”

“I’ve never enjoyed playing with humans. Just the way they think soggy pizza appeals to us is deplorable. Get a life already.”

“I love chasing them. Especially if you can get a few friends together and just race in circles. It freaks them right out. I love the screams.”

“I like chewing on their socks. If you can run up and catch one by the toe and take a nip, it’s just so satisfying. Nothing’s quite so cute.”

Penny Loppears

Bink California

Leah Pettifur

Alfonzo Cottontail

Resident, 102nd generation

Resident, second generation

Resident, 19th generation

Exchange rabbit, first generation

This week the Carrot asks: What’s your favourite way to play with humans? 4 APPLES

DIGG ERS

JESS-C HALL PHOTOS

Believe me, you’re not the first doe to complain about this. Female rabbits are tired of being mounted from behind when they least expect it. You want, as you said, to “spice it up a bit.” You want to experiment and, to be frank, I don’t blame you: the old behind trick can get monotonous. Trouble is, we just don’t have the physical anatomy to do it the other way. Blame it on our stubby hind legs and lack of opposable thumbs, but trying to be creative in the sack has had some pretty nasty results for us furry creatures. I had a rabbit (I’ll call her Fiona) ask me this exact question last year, and I

suggested she try, as they call it in the human world, “military” style. She wrote back to me a week later, saying that my suggestions not only didn’t work, they caused a bit of a “scene” next to the library. Poor Fiona, all hot and panting from the excitement, rolled onto her back to try it military and couldn’t get back up. Her buck, embarrassed, scampered away and a human had to pick her up and turn her right side up. So, you can see, BWB, how I’m hesitant to give out any more advice in this arena: I wouldn’t want you to end up like poor Fiona. There are, though, other ways you can rev up your sex life. Have you tried using carrots? What about role play? Have your buck pretend he’s a hungry fox and you’re just an innocent woodland creature. Or, you and your partner could act like humans — I’ve heard they do pretty messed up things in bed. Even if sex has become little bland, at least you can take pride in the fact that you get to do it a lot. They don’t call it fluffing like bunnies for nothing. Got sex or relationship questions? Send them to Bunny Love.

Life as a rabbit can be hard — we have got to be careful everywhere we go. Crossing Ring Road, for example, can be an all-out death wish. We’ve all seen too many friends and family succumb to a grisly fate as roadkill. Countless other hazards yield new danger every day, so to help make your day more stress-free, here are the top 10 ways to keep safe on campus. 1. Advocate for stronger support. Sure, we’re all busy this spring time of year, but it’s time to appoint somebunny as crossing-guard for the Ring of Death. Join a protest, or sign the current petition. 2. Plan to protect. Currently, a bunny militia has been on a mission to gather together and corner those darned campus cats. Help out when you see the troop, and finally stick some bells on those legs. 3. Campaign for more carrots. And insist that fewer banana peels are thrown out of windows. Descending peels can be a serious threat. It’s easy to be scared to death, so always take caution that one does not land on your head. And when you see one of those humans getting careless, don’t hesitate to bite to get the message through. 4. Watch what you eat. When out for a snack, take care to avoid apple seeds, azaleas, buttercups, daffodils, ivy, rhododendrons, tomato leaves and tulips. Not only are these poisonous but, for some reason, humans don’t like it very much when we eat them. For the

apples@martlet.ca

April 1, 2010


Spoof Issue