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THE UNIVERSITY OF VICTORIA’S INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER •JANUARY 16, 2014 • VOLUME 66 • ISSUE 19 • MARTLET.CA

VIKES LAUNCH OUT OF HOLIDAY SEASON page 17

NEWS—STEPHEN HARPER AND B.C.’S PROTEST CULTURE PAGE 3

OPINIONS—POPE FRANCIS AND SYRIAN PRESIDENT PLAN PEACE TALKS PAGE 9

CULTURE—BACON JAM AND OTHER HIPSTER-WORTHY RECIPES PAGE 12

HUMOUR—TIRED OF B.C. FERRIES? CONSIDER A CRUISE SHIP PAGE 18


January 20th Round 1, night 2

Redwood Green & Zoo Riot & Here the World

[8:30-9:15pm]

[9:30-10:15pm]

[10:30-11:15pm]

www.felicitas.ca


NEWS

There are always student-relevant events unfolding. Write about them for your newspaper by emailing news@martlet.ca.

Victoria wraps up 2013 with zero homicides—almost PETER BOLDT Living on the Island, many come to think of it as a distinct entity, separate from the happenings and kafuffle of the Lower Mainland. In 2013, Victoria set itself apart yet again in a dramatic way. According to the Vancouver Island Integrated Major Crime Unit, the Capital Regional District (CRD) boasted zero homicides in 2013, something that had not occurred in

over a decade. However, this statistic could prove false due to a pending investigation, according to the Victoria Police Department. A male assault victim died several weeks after an altercation in May 2013, which could potentially de-legitimize Victoria’s homicide-free year.  This one pending homicide in the CRD, compares to 53 in the Lower Mainland. While Victoria’s population is much smaller than Vancouver’s,

Victoria also lacks the evident gang activity (aside from some past Hell’s Angels activity) that exists a mere 90 kilometres away around Vancouver, particularly in areas such as Surrey. The Province has recently published a number of reports on the abnormally high murder rate of Surrey, which in 2013 doubled Canada’s national average. In Michael Moore’s 2002 documentary “Bowling for Columbine,” he

noted violent crimes as a whole in Canada were on the decline according to Statistics Canada. Moore suggests a pervasive “Canadianness“ that keeps everyone’s fingers off the trigger (except, of course, in Surrey).  Yet 2013 was not entirely without criminal violence in Victoria. Dennis Grant Fletcher, on the morning of Feb. 25, 2013, opened fire with a semi-automatic pistol in front of popular downtown club 9one9, wounding

two doormen. Both survived and Fletcher was arrested shortly after, thanks in part to the community and the work of the local authorities. On New Year’s Day 2014, according to a National Post report, Victoria PD responded to 130 calls, including stabbings, fights, an individual threatening to “slice someone’s throat“ and, perhaps most notably, a man wandering into an apartment building with a machete.

Protesters follow Harper through his B.C. tour

BILL VINTON

Protesters gather near the gates of Brentwood College School in Mill Bay, B.C., where Stephen Harper spoke on Jan. 7.

ADAM HAYMAN “It wouldn’t be B.C. without it,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper as the two sign-wielding protesters were taken off the stage in their catering uniforms. The incident transpired on Jan. 6, during Harper’s talk at the Vancouver Board of Trade, but it wouldn’t be the last time that Harper was met with dissent during his tour of the west coast. Protesters also flooded the road leading to Harper’s talk to Conservative party supporters at Brentwood College School in Mill Bay. The security issue, highlighted by

two Vancouver Board of Trade protesters, had many people talking, but the group of Mill Bay protesters feel there is something else that should be addressed: increased traffic in the Douglas Strait could increase the risk of a spill. Communities To Protect Our Coast is a Vancouver Island-based group that helped organize the protest. Sheri Plummer, head of the organization, said during a phone interview that Enbridge’s proposed plan “is ludicrous.” Plummer says the Douglas Strait, “is one of the fourth most dangerous waters in terms of navigation,”

and that the traffic will increase drastically with oil transport expansion. Plummer hypothesized 30 per cent of that traffic would be from Enbridge alone. Dr. Gerald Graham, a marine oil spill expert based in Victoria, pointed out in a phone interview why oil spills of all kinds can have an effect on the coast. Graham talked about how spills can come from any boat that has an engine burning fuel. “I look at it in terms of volumes of oil being transported along our coast,” says Graham. He feels the other types of ships could “pose just as big a risk as the tankers, existing and

proposed, because these other vessels that are carrying Bunker C oil don’t get the protection that the tankers get.” Graham uses an analogy to describe his point, comparing the frequency of large commercial plane crashes to that of small personal aircraft crashes. “We haven’t had a large passenger plane crash in 20 years or something. An amazingly good safety record, and that’s true. I hope it stays that way, but here in B.C., the big risk has been from float planes, smaller planes, and they’re going down all the time.” This, Graham believes, is the same with oil spills. “We haven’t had any big huge

ones here in Canada, thank goodness, for quite some time, but there are spills happening almost on a daily basis in this country, including on this coast.” Although people don’t always hear about them, Graham feels that those spills can be “more insidious.” Graham, like the protesters, feels that the Northern Gateway Pipeline Panel “displays a disturbing tendency to omit the marine transportation component.” Plummer adds, “We’re looking at so many risks.” The Canadian Press reports no charges will be laid against the Jan. 6 protesters.

January 16, 2014

MARTLET • NEWS 3


Automated bus-pass activation kiosks now reside in University Centre.

BRANDON EVERELL

New U-Pass activation system implemented JANINE CROCKETT UVic is seeking to save labour costs and cut down on lineups at the beginning of semesters by bringing in automated kiosks for students to activate their public transit service. The U-Pass system was originally implemented through a student referendum in 1999. The U-Pass allows students to use their student card as a bus pass on B.C. Transit after paying a fee of $81 per term, which is included in student fees. The $81 fee for a four-month period offers significant savings over the B.C. Transit price of $85 for a single-month pass for a student. Since the implementation of the program, staff have re-encoded U-Passes each term at one of three locations: the Grad Centre, the UVSS info booth in the SUB, and the photo ID centre in University Centre. But now, two automated machines have been placed in the University Centre and a third will soon operate in the SUB, once its faulty motherboard is replaced. Director of Campus Services Jim Forbes says, “As opposed to going into a line-up when it’s fairly busy, now people are able to go anytime to any of the three kiosks and insert their

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January 16, 2014

card and have it done by the kiosk. So it’s re-encoded for U-Pass privileges on the spot.” Students may activate their U-Pass anytime the buildings that contain the machines are accessible, and it takes seconds to accomplish. Forbes says they tried to place the machines in central areas. “It’s really about the effect on the student, that they don’t have to line up to go get their card re-encoded . . . I think it’s a better service level certainly.” Forbes will bring in extra machines if there is a demand for them. Presently, however, he feels that they have determined the correct number and that no more than the three will be required. The new kiosks are considered a low-cost solution to the problem of lineups. The university saves money by reducing labour hours which would previously have been spent re-encoding cards. Forbes says, “We were hiring people to manage reencoding cards, and we just thought, as opposed to spending $5 000 to $7 000 a year re-encoding cards with a staff member, we can probably develop one-time technology to eliminate that cost. So over the course of our discussions with B.C. Transit, they were also very supportive of anything that makes the U-Pass

a better experience for the student at the end of the day. So, to that end, they helped support us financially in terms of developing the technology. It’s going extremely well so far. The three kiosks cost $40 000, with B.C. Transit contributing between 35 per cent and 40 per cent of the costs.” The kiosks aren’t the only technological addition made on campus recently that Forbes has been involved with. An app available for free download under the name UVic Mobile was introduced six months ago. The app includes many studentfriendly elements, such as allowing students to see the next three buses that are leaving campus, the specials of the day at various eateries on campus, and emergency alerts. It is also tied in to campus security. According to Forbes, about 3 000 students have signed up for the app. “It’s great for a student to be able to come out of exams or a class at 9:30 at night and know within six minutes that they should make their way to the bus stop or that the bus is not coming for half an hour so they have an extra 20 minutes to study,” says Forbes. “So again, all of these things are contributing to the student experience.”


Dr. Kathy Gillis has been investigating a rare ocean rift.

BRANDON EVERELL

UVic’s associate dean of science cracks the Earth’s crust ADAM HAYMAN During a two-month expedition on the JOIDES Resolution, Dr. Kathy Gillis, associate dean of the Faculty of Science at UVic, was one of two chief scientists that helped confirm and refine hypotheses about how the ocean crust was formed. The crew of scientists aboard the JOIDES Resolution, a large ocean drilling boat, consisted of 34 people from universities in 12 different countries. Gillis and Jonathan Snow, from the University of Houston, were the two chief scientists. Expedition 345, as it is officially named by the Integrated Ocean Drilling Program (IODP), took place at the Hess Deep Rift. The rift is located 900 kilometres west of the Galapagos Islands. “There are very few places in the world,” says Gillis, “where the geology has exposed deep rocks

more than four kilometres below the sea floor and on the sea floor, if that makes sense.” She goes on to explain, “In this area of Hess Deep, plate tectonics have formed a deep rift valley, and if you were to go down in a submersible, along the walls of this rift, you see the upper four kilometres of the ocean’s crust exposed.” It is a very unique place, because these deep rocks are exposed on the ocean floor. Deep rifts such as this are considered a fast-spreading ridge, and they are responsible for forming three quarters of the ocean floor. Gillis has been with the IODP for over 20 years and, in that time, has been majorly involved with two expeditions. “The other one was 20 years ago in the same location,” says Gillis, “but with different objectives. We were still drilling into the ocean crust but at a different level within the crust.” The ocean’s crust is made up of

layers. Gillis says the rocks collected “tell us a lot about how the ocean’s crust gets built.” It’s made up of a top layer of lavas and sediment, a layer of a basaltic sheeted dike (sheets of volcanic rock), and then a layer of gabbro. Gabbro is magma that has cooled under the earth’s crust. Although it starts out as magma, like the basalt, it is noticeably different from the layer that covers it. Because of how it cools under the earth’s crust, it forms small crystals. The Hess Deep Rift is special because it has sections that have direct access to the gabbro layer and the ophiolites that make it up. They were able to drill into this layer thanks to the IODP. Now back at UVic, Gillis says, “The next thing for me is not to go back on the ship, but to go back with new eyes to these ophiolites, and that’s what I plan to do next year when I’m on my sabbatical.” January 16, 2014

MARTLET • NEWS 5


Toronto gets ice storm for Christmas

ALEXANDERADAMS VIA FLICKR

Aftermath of Dec. 2013 ice storm in Toronto

KATHERINE GOERTZ Three days before Christmas, the power went out for Toronto resident Evan Yeong. Freezing rain had assaulted Toronto for several days. The ice that built up on trees eventually caused branches to snap under the weight and fall onto power lines, leaving hundreds of thousands of residents without power. Yeong and his brother were staying at a house north of downtown, near Avenue Road and Eglinton Avenue, when they woke up to freezing cold on the morning of Dec. 22. Luckily, Yeong’s neighbours had a working fireplace and a homemade rocket stove, which burns small wood

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fuel. Yeong and his brother spent the majority of their evening meals with the neighbours, but Yeong admits that during the day they just “ate a lot of sandwiches.” Despite the inconvenience, Yeong insists that his time without electricity “was not horrible.” Even though they had to sleep under a large stack of blankets each night, they still had some warmth during the day and enjoyed the evenings spent with their neighbours. To pass the time, Yeong says they played a lot of board games by candlelight. The power came back for Yeong just after midnight on Dec. 25, but according to the Toronto Hydro Twitter page, some communities were still

January 16, 2014

experiencing power loss by Jan. 6. While the City of Toronto did offer warming stations for people without power, many residents fled to hotels as well. Damage caused by the storm added up to $106 million, according to a report from the City. That doesn’t include the losses many individuals and businesses suffered with damage to property, hotel fees and replacing food that spoiled while the electricity was out. The report goes on to reiterate the city council’s request “that the Minister of Municipal Affairs and Housing declare the City of Toronto a ‘disaster area’ for the purposes of the Ontario

Disaster Relief Assistance Program.” The city council also addresses a need for provincial and federal funding to help offset some of the storm clean-up costs. While the electricity may be back on, the Toronto ice storm is still appearing on social media, this time highlighting a phenomenon dubbed “frost quakes.” In days following the cold weather, various Toronto residents have remarked on Twitter that a loud boom that woke them in the night may be related to the recent weather. The sudden drop in temperature that accompanied the ice storm may have caused water in the ground to freeze and expand, which can put stress on surrounding rock

and soil until it cracks. This results in a loud boom and, in some cases, a mild quake-like shaking. Toronto’s summer flooding and this December’s ice storm have made some residents question whether Toronto is ready for climate change. The scale of disaster caused by Toronto’s recent weather is a warning from Mother Nature, according to Franz Hartmann in his article for the Toronto Star. Hartmann goes on to insist that the city needs to prepare for climate change, insisting that physical infrastructure, like sewers, electrical systems, and urban tree canopy, need to be redesigned with future storms in mind.


B.C. Ferries prices to rise GRAYDON LEIGH The travel home for next month’s reading break just became a little bit more burdensome. As B.C. Ferries raise their fare prices by 3.5 per cent on Jan. 17, UVic students with family and friends on the mainland breathe an understandable collective sigh. Although the surcharge is minimal, the increase comes just three months before the Crown Corporation’s annual fare increase of four per cent, due to hit student bank accounts on April 1. The increase applies only to passengers using motor vehicles to navigate B.C.’s island clusters. For round-trip traffic between Tsawwassen and the Gulf Islands during the regular season, the increase is only $2.75 per vehicle and an additional 90 cents per adult. However, this rises to $3.55 during the summer peak season. The change applies to those travelling to Salt Spring from Crofton or Swartz Bay by $1.15 a vehicle and 35 cents for every adult along for the ride. However, child fares will not be affected by the fare increase. Northern terminals, Port Hardy,

Prince Rupert, and Haida Gwaii, remain unaffected. However, a family of four sailing out of Tsawwassen to Swartz Bay, and vice versa, can expect to be greeted with an additional $3.25 on their statement of purchase. B.C. Ferries says the increase is an executive response to rapidly rising global fuel prices; the price of diesel rose by 14 cents per litre above the valuation B.C. Ferries uses to regulate fare caps. The company’s fuel deferral account has an outstanding balance of over $5 million dollars. With this debt, B.C. Ferries is exploring ways of reducing costs and increasing efficiency. Smaller vessels with more sustainable fuel economies are being considered for routes that see low traffic volumes. Similarly, the corporation is looking at powering vessels with liquefied natural gas, an alternative fuel source that is purportedly cheaper than the marine diesel currently being used to power the province’s iconic watercrafts. So, when planning future trips, keep in mind that using public transportation and buying a walk-on ticket is not only a more eco-friendly choice, it’s way cheaper.

DHERRERA_96 VIA FLICKR

January 16, 2014

MARTLET • OPINIONS 7


Opinions

Universities are bastions of critical thought. Share some with us! Opinions@martlet.ca

EDITORIAL

KLARA WOLDENGA

The tyranny of textbooks Whether you’re heading back to school or starting school this semester, buying a textbook or two is almost inevitable. Even if you’ve carefully saved your pennies, accounted for several months’ rent, and budgeted for food, textbooks can come as a surprising and hidden expense at the beginning of the semester—after you’ve already committed to a handful of classes and paid tuition fees. Rarely do we even know the cost of textbooks before beginning a course, and some textbooks can cost hundreds of dollars each. If students sign up for a full course load, they can end up spending a few hundred dollars on books, per class. Sound familiar? There are multiple possible explanations for the high price of textbooks, frequently given by publishing companies. Upon examination, however, these justifications tend to fall apart. Critics argue that textbook exchanges and used book sales compel publishers to compensate for lost sales with higher prices and costly digital supplements. This is the same logic film companies give for rising movie ticket premiums. If textbooks were reasonably priced, the secondary market would evaporate, since the price difference between used and new would be too small for a secondary market to gain traction. Some textbooks have a relatively small audience (and market share), yet still have fixed overhead costs for publication. If this were a major factor in setting prices, we’d expect longer books would be uniformly more expensive than short books, and the price of books would reflect the size of the print run—but this seems not to be the case. At first glance, it seems reasonable that costs associated with authoring, editing, and designing a non-fiction textbook with illustrations and expertly written prose, is significantly higher than, say, your standard novel—professorial writing isn’t free, and most textbooks are more visually complex than the average novel. However, as digital technology makes design easier and cheaper, the price of textbooks has gone up, not down. Older textbooks are still egregiously expensive, and no professors are retiring on the royalties from their textbook sales. From a student perspective, there is simply no good reason for textbooks to cost what they do—it simply comes across as greed on the part of an increasingly oligopolistic cartel of publishers. It’s a status quo perpetuated by professional pressures on academics to be published by these corporations, and time pressures on professors that prevent them from supplying more reasonable alternatives. The problem with textbooks, as with other academic publishing, is that costs are inflated by publishers with no benefit to the artists, researchers, and technical specialists. Consider that most textbooks are written by academics funded almost entirely by the public, through tax dollars or tuition money (though tuition money accounts for a relatively small proportion of total university funding). That same textbook is then being sold back to the public at inflated cost, almost none of which goes into the pocketbook of those who wrote it. There’s nothing “fair” about the academic publishing system, and there’s a lot of frustrating injustice about it. What you’re being forced to do, essentially, is pay twice for the same knowledge—once at its point of creation, and once at its point of consumption. Editorial topics are decided on by staff at our editorial meetings, held weekly in the Martlet office (SUB B011). Editorials are written by one or more staff members and are not necessarily the opinion of all staff members. Happy? Sad? Enraged? Tell us: letters@martlet.ca The Martlet has an open letter policy and will endeavour to publish letters received from the university and local community. Letters must be submitted by email, include your real name and affiliation to UVic and have “Letter to the editor” in the subject line. Letters must be under 200 words and may be edited.

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January 16, 2014

KLARA WOLDENGA

Merits of context Rebuttal to January 9th editorial BILL KING To begin with, I agree that reading the National Energy Board (NEB) document on the Enbridge pipeline proposal is a good idea.   However, I don’t agree with the way your article was written.  It is, at points, belittling, incoherent, jumbled, and reeks of rage. First telling people they, “. . . should put their cynicism on the shelf . . .” regarding the report, reveals not only an aura of superiority by the writers to the readers by telling us what we should do, but an ignorance of the wider context of the external processes affecting the report.   I prefer to give readers the benefit of the doubt that they are critically reflective enough to decide whether or not a cynical approach is warranted. Second, your choice of examples claiming that critiques of the project are clearly identified and acknowledged bear questioning, particularly the example of the Michel First Nation, which was simply a documented statement and provides no insight as to whether the NEB took this into consideration. The following quote from the NEB report shows the depth of understanding this committee lacks of First

Nations culture and values by deciding for them what constitutes Aboriginal cultural and spiritual practices: “The Panel does not share the view of some Aboriginal groups that the impacts associated with this project during construction and routine operations would eliminate the opportunity for Aboriginal groups to maintain their cultural and spiritual practices and the pursuit of their traditional uses and interests associated with the lands, waters, or resources.” Third, the statement, “. . . the Report is simply documenting the changing of the tide,” is incorrect. The report does not document any changing of the tide.  The report identifies issues of concern that arose during the NEB hearings.  It doesn’t even make sense metaphorically unless you decide to bring politics into it, then you’re going beyond your stated context for examination of the report. Reading the report without the necessary political context is like believing tap water originates in the tap while ignoring the infrastructure and origins of the actual water. Reports do not exist in a political vacuum; where is the context? The statement that, “general opposition is more solid than ever” does not reflect recent public opinion

polls that suggest more support for the Northern Gateway. This editorial also claims that the only reason the panel’s decision warrants controversy is because it “swings the process in favour of pro-pipeline parties.”   This does not make logical sense when considered along with the statement in the previous paragraph that the “public and provincial opinions remain divided.”   If this is the case, then it would be logical to conclude that if the project was not approved there would be a similar public reaction from those who are pro-pipeline. In concluding, the editorial opines, “Connections will probably do little to dissuade those convinced that the decision is arbitrary and unfair.” While this may be correct, it again lacks context; there is nothing arbitrary about the government’s ideological bent that Canada’s future is as an energy superpower. To think that this does not influence those judging the proposal is naive. Overall, this article does little to promote engagement with the NEB report, clarifies the editorial staff’s pro-pipeline bent, and increases polarization between those for and against the proposal.

Letters LEERING IS LEGAL Re: “Sexual harassment in clubs,” Jan. 9, 2014 Contrary to Ms. Pace’s assertion and leaving aside the question of when a stare becomes a leer, unless our Criminal Code has been radically expanded, I would suggest that a man does in fact have the right to look, stare, peer, ogle, leer, gape at, and/or think lewd thoughts about anyone or anything. If a woman’s attire is attracting unwanted attention, there’s a very simple solution for that. Francesca Allan UVic Student


Syria’s conundrum continues NICHOLAS BURTON-VULOVIC

THE BEST OF INTENTIONS Following a Christmas address in which Pope Francis urged increased humanitarian aid to besieged Syrians suffering from the country’s extended civil war, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out to the Pope. According to the Syrian state-run news agency SANA, Assad is ready to participate in the Jan. 22 peace talks termed Geneva II. Unfortunately, it is likely that these talks will have little effect on ending the devastating civil war. Part of Assad’s message, relayed to the Pope’s secretary of state, Archbishop Pietro Parolin, by Syrian Minister of State Joseph Sweid, reportedly contained a pointed reprimand for other nations involved in the civil war: outside countries must stop supporting “terrorist groups.” Instead, the Syrian president’s message argued, peace could only come through a national dialogue among Syrians, under Syrian leadership, without foreign intervention. Although this claim seems reasonable on its surface, the Assad government is hardly trustworthy in the eyes of many when it comes to democratic reforms. Assad, once considered a hopeful candidate for liberalizing his nation (when the untimely death of his brother forced the one-time ophthalmologist into the limelight of political affairs he

had previously eschewed), has now overseen the deaths of what current estimates put at 130 000 of his countrymen. The issue revolves around the role of Assad in any future government. Western nations like Great Britain and the United States have unabashedly called for his removal. U.K. Foreign Secretary William Hague argued that, “President Assad has no role in a peaceful and democratic Syria”— indeed, he hardly seems deserving of one. But this is scarcely a proposal Assad’s government is likely to accept, especially when it perceives that victory is still within its grasp.

COMPLICATING CONFLICT The Syrian government has continued to wage an effective war against rebel opposition groups, making use of military and economic aid from Iran and Russia, its two main allies in the conflict. Although opposition groups are supported by a number of Western and allied Gulf nations—termed the “Friends of Syria”—internal divisions between rebel groups have prevented any strong, single centralized leadership from arising. This is hardly surprising, given that the rebel groups have fractured into two very different categories. When the Civil War initially grew out of the protests that the so-called Arab Spring of early 2011 had helped foster, the war was fought by dissident civilians and defected army units unhappy

with orders to attack unarmed protestors. However, the last year has seen many of these groups give way to increasingly violent Islamic extremist groups, the majority of whom are not Syrian. The Free Syrian Army, initially composed almost entirely of Syrians, now has a large portion of extremist rebels with ties to groups that Western backers find politically unpalatable. In September, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry estimated that extremists formed 25 per cent of all rebel forces and that 12 per cent were linked to al-Qaeda. The al-Nusra Front, which is in itself roughly 25 per cent of the opposition forces, draws fighters from all over the Middle East, including Libya, following the end of the American-backed Civil War there. The problem with so many foreign fighters in Syria is that they bring an extensive level of sectarianism to the violence. Assad, though his government is stoutly secular, is himself a member of the Alawite minority, which is an offshoot of Shia, and has sworn to protect his nation and its citizens “against the crimes committed by the takfiri [Sunni Muslim extremes].” Rebel forces are mainly Sunni, as are the majority of Syrian citizens. Many rebels see themselves engaging in a holy jihad to protect their religiously aligned brethren. This is equally a problem for the United States, as it struggles against Islamic extremists in Iraq and

Afghanistan. Supporting groups like the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISS) is difficult to justify to the electorate back home, when those groups openly trumpet their desire for the imposition of Sharia law. Such declarations appeal within the strongly Sunni kingdom of Saudi Arabia, which has become the main backer of Syrian rebel groups. American voters, however, can no doubt be excused for their understandable confusion over their government’s support for groups that seem so suspiciously similar to the enemy of other battlefields. And this is the problem with Assad’s declaration to the Pope. Of course he will meet to discuss terms, if, in the impossible hypothetical, all foreignsupported groups could be removed from Syria. With fights breaking out now between moderate and extremist opposition groups as well as the national army, there will not be much left in Syria for the president to consider a prize, should the violence continue apace. And an opposition entirely deprived of foreign aid would likely be far easier to defeat. However, Assad must know that, as a demand, this is hardly likely to be met, especially if those opposition groups he wants expelled are to have a place at the peace talks.

A GAZE BLANK AND PITILESS AS THE SUN So long as Assad remains in a position where he feels he can comfortably

endure the civil war, he is unlikely to embrace peace. As long as Assad continues to bring about the merciless slaughter of thousands of civilians, foreign fighters, especially fellow Sunnis from neighbouring countries, are unlikely to embrace peace either. And, as long as Syria continues to be a hotly contested and heavily armed, roiling pot of open warfare, western nations are unlikely to fully commit the aid or arms necessary to bring the war to a halt. And so it seems likely that the Pope’s pleas for peace will go unfulfilled, at least for the time being. But in many ways, it has allowed Assad to speak truths that will ultimately be recognized in time: true and lasting peace must come through the ballot box, and Syrians must be allowed to determine their own futures. These are not new or novel sentiments, but they are, in a way, as strong a set of indictments against the Western powers as they are against Iran and Saudi Arabia. Ultimately, hammering away at the bargaining table for the removal of chemical weapons seems a hollow gesture when, at the same time, other branches of those same governments export conventional arms en masse to the same theatre. Assad has proven himself unable or unwilling to oversee democratic reforms in his nation, but worsening sectarian violence will not save the lives the Pope seeks to protect.

The bewildering Mr. Harper Not the enemy RYAN ZIEGLER There’s a moment in Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln in which Thaddeus Stevens, played by Tommy Lee Jones, asks his flustered staff, “Hasn’t he [Abraham Lincoln] surprised you?” In many ways, Prime Minister Stephen Harper exhibits a similar quiet unpredictability. For better or worse, he evades easy definition, even at his most heavy-handed. I imagine this is partly why Canadians have such a difficult time giving him credit where credit is due. Obviously, Harper is not Abraham Lincoln, neither in his overall disposition nor political sympathies. However, Harper has unequivocally confounded both those who oppose and support him in a manner that is unusual in Canadian politics. Even by Canadian standards, he’s an uninspiring and impersonal politician. Yet, in an age of celebrity and inflated social spheres, there is something intriguing about a public figure we know very little about. Perhaps his self-imposed inaccessibility is partly why he rouses such profound feelings of distaste, in addition to his more controversial actions. It should be clear that many Canadians seem to harbour a collective dislike and distrust for the PM. Part of this stems from his steely persona, his decidedly undemocratic way of handing complicated issues, and his tacit insistence that the facts are superior—and that he has facts. He doesn’t

bother explaining himself, even when his ideas and actions are completely sensible. This is confusing behaviour unto itself, especially because his reasons are often not self-evident. Harper has muzzled publicly funded scientists, cut scientific and military funding, compromised journalistic integrity and the independence of Statistics Canada, and has threatened judicial freedom with mandatory minimum sentencing. Moreover, he seems to misunderstand the importance of sound environmental policy, seriously underestimating the average Canadian’s commitment to the environment. Nonetheless, Harper does have a series of achievements to his name that should be acknowledged. His formal apology and compensation schedule for residential school survivors was remarkable and unprecedented. Some suggested that this was solely a political maneuver. However, that speculation is extraordinarily cynical. Moreover, it serves only to reinforce prejudices about Harper at the expense of the apology’s immense symbolism. The Kainai Nation seemed to think that Harper’s apology was heartfelt, making him an honourary chief in 2011. Harper’s strident demand that provinces innovate in relation to healthcare should be praised. It’s a smart move that’s paid off. In 2013, the premiers of Saskatchewan and Prince Edward Island jointly devised a way to save

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper

$100 000 000, through some clever large-scale purchases of generic drugs. This sink-or-swim approach has effectively allowed provinces to take ownership of their healthcare systems, replacing a system that was effective but, by all accounts, unsustainable. Furthermore, he seems more than willing to assert Canadian interests on the global stage, even if those interests may not be fully representative of the country. At the very least, this outspoken approach is unique. It imparts a new degree of credibility, which is important as the country seeks to free itself from economic dependence on the United States. None of this is to say that Harper’s accomplishments eclipse his

UNIVERSITY OF SASKATCHEWAN VIA FLICKR

faults—but history will be the final arbiter. The point is that we benefit more by being even-handed in our assessments. For example, the media seems fond of portraying Justin Trudeau primarily as a head of hair and a famous name. However, he has sound ideas on foreign direct investment and free trade, a much needed carbon tax, and getting Canadian resources to the global market. As educated citizens in a representative democracy, it’s crucial that all forms of government are held accountable; it’s equally important to challenge popular perceptions and public narratives. In general, individuals tend to seek out information and other people who confirm personal biases, irrespective

of political preferences. Ignoring other dimensions because they don’t conform to our notion of how someone or something should look paints a distorted picture. Rarely is any individual a paragon of virtue or evil. People, even people in positions of power, operate in shades of grey, caught up between ethical imperatives and personal intuition. Having the intellectual honesty and courage to acknowledge the achievements of people we disagree with is liberating. Labelling Harper as “the enemy of Canada” is hyperbolic and, frankly, not useful. Thaddeus Stevens deserves the final word: “Retain, even in opposition, your capacity for astonishment.”

January 16, 2014

MARTLET • OPINIONS 9


rules of the road A hitchhiker’s christening Story Tyler Lai n g I stood there, straddling the white line that separated shoulder from highway, wondering whether I actually wanted to do this. The cloud cover broke and allowed the April sun to warm me from above. I closed my eyes, lifted my face toward the heat, and let that warmth soothe my doubt. The air smelled of spring freshness and moisture. A bird sang sweetly somewhere overhead. This might not be so bad after all. Then the first wave of cars crested the hill and accelerated toward me. I opened my eyes and, stepping back off the line, watched the vehicles surge forward. Sedans and SUVs, pickup trucks, minivans, and a motor home. Their rush blew wind up into my face, causing my chin-length curls to writhe like the snakes of Medusa. I stepped farther back from the road. The weight of my pack encouraged this motion and I nearly stumbled. “What’s the problem?” my friend Bennett asked. He was up the highway a bit and had to yell for me to hear him over the din. “Get your thumb out.” Bennett stood facing the oncoming traffic. He walked backward slowly, sure steps keeping him moving and upright, and held a rigid thumb out over the road. He had his pack hiked high up around his shoulders. “You won’t get picked up just standing there.” I turned back. The traffic was thin again, probably held up at the light beyond the ridge. But the next round would soon be upon us. I put my arm out—almost parallel to my body—and poked my thumb up. “C’mon,” yelled Bennett. “Get it up. No one can see that.” I got my arm perpendicular to my body this time and I thrust my thumb toward those thundering vehicles. But in the 100-kilometre-an-hour stretch of highway between Victoria and Colwood, cars come a-flying. One slight veer and I could lose my hand. Heck, I could lose my life. I inched off the shoulder line once again. At first it felt as though each person who sped past glared at me. They saw me as they approached and scrunched their faces in distaste. Families, kids, grandparents—all passing judgement. “Look at that bum,” they thought. “Freeloader can’t pay his own way. Probably wants to rob us.” I thought of my own grandparents then. They wouldn’t be too happy if they knew I was hitchhiking up Island. Probably wouldn’t pick me up, either. I reached down and felt the pre-rolled joint in my pocket. That’s what I needed. “Hey Bennett,” I called over my shoulder. “Let’s blaze this thing.” “No.” “It’ll be a lot more fun.” But he was more disciplined than I. “No. Save it till we get scooped.” Code of the road, I was told before we left: Always have a doobie to share with the driver. I liked the idea of that, I did, but I also liked the idea of getting high—right now. As I stood out there, walking my way backward along the road, I examined the cars. We’d been out here 10 minutes already and not even a sniff. Vehicles blasted by with no more than a single driver occupying the insides. So much room. Was it too much to ask for one of the many near-empty cars to pull over and pick us up? “Why don’t any of them stop?” I yelled. “It’s not like they don’t have room.”

Gra phi cs Ch oro n g Ki m

“Be patient,” said Bennett. While this was my first attempt at thumbing, Bennett had done it a few times before. Because he was going to school at UVic, hitchhiking was a viable way to get home to Powell River—he just had to get up Island to Comox and take the ferry from there. A single highway. That was it. For me, going to school at Simon Fraser University made hitchhiking to Powell River a much more arduous journey. If I didn’t make a connector, I’d be pooched at an empty ferry terminal overnight. I’d heard how fun (and economical) hitchhiking home could be. I wanted to try it. So when Bennett called me up and told me a few of our friends at Malaspina College in Nanaimo planned to throw a real shaker, that was it. The plan was to head up there for the party, then make our way to Powell River together the next day. But until Bennett and I caught a bloody ride, none of our plans could begin. We kept at it for some time. Metre upon paved metre passed beneath our heels. My arm got tired after a while. At least it didn’t feel like the drivers were judging me anymore. Now I just felt like I was invisible. I heard Bennett’s voice from behind me. “Spencer Road’s just a little farther. Subway there. Bathroom break.” I had been told that a place called Spencer was the best spot to get picked up leaving Victoria. Not only were the drivers at this section of Highway 1 likely heading over the Malahat, but a merge

he was just a little guy. Stocky as hell, but short nonetheless. If we were both standing, I could rest my chin on his scalp—not that he’d ever let me get that close. He’d have me in an ankle-lock submission before I got within a foot. We finished our subs and walked back out. It turns out the sun had said adieu while we were eating; the clouds had returned with a vengeance. Now they were dark, sinister things, roiling overhead. “Doesn’t look good,” said Bennett. “Better smoke that joint then.” He eyed me a moment, then made for the highway without stopping. “But it’ll be raining soon,” I called after him. “We won’t be able to light it.” It was then that it started to rain. We stood out on that stretch for a while, watching cars merge and turn and drive on by, waiting for one—just one—to flip its blinker and pull over. Within 15 minutes, my feet were wet. Fifteen minutes after that, my clothes were stuck to me. “This sucks,” I muttered, blowing water off the end of my nose. Should’ve smoked the joint when we had the chance. I checked to see how wet it was. Just then a car horn that sounded like the Road Runner made me look up, and there, coming from the Sooke turnoff across the highway, bombed a beat-up little Chevette. It barrelled through the intersection and cut across both lanes of the highway, skidding onto the shoulder ahead of us. I might have thought the maneuver reckless, if I wasn’t so elated that the car was stopping for us. Rust covered the side panels, and the exhaust pipe rattled, even while in idle, but none of that mattered. We had a ride. He honked again and Bennett and I jogged toward him, our packs swaying on our backs. The car was a two-door, and we quickly saw the back was full of junk— clothes, boxes, and a tool kit. I even thought I saw part of a fishing rod protruding from the mass. The driver leaned over and pushed the door. It squealed in protest as it opened. “Damn rain,” he said. “Not good for nothin’.” His southern drawl was unmistakable. He had long, dark grey hair tied up in a ponytail and a matching, ratty beard. Through his beard I could see a gap in the top row of his teeth—not one of the big two, but it could have been a canine. “Little guy’s gonna have to get in the back.” Bennett grumbled. I put a fist to my mouth to keep from laughing. Once Bennett managed to clear a spot on the seat, he crawled in. There wouldn’t be much foot room in the front, either, so I passed him my bigger hiking bag and brought his daypack into the front with me. Our driver had to pump the gas pedal some before the car got moving again. “Not used to all this weight,” he said, looking back at Bennett through the rear view. I bit my lip and looked out the window. “So where you boys headed, anyhow?” “Nanaimo,” I said, feeling my pocket. I didn’t know how long the requisite wait period was, but the sooner I pulled the joint, the happier this guy would be. For sure. And then I saw it: a bumper sticker on the glove compartment door that read: No Puffin. A red circle with a line through it covered the picture of a puffin. Kind of like the Ghostbusters emblem. The puffin had a smoke in its

At first it felt as though each person who sped past glared at me. They saw me as they approached and scrunched their faces in distaste. Families, kids, grandparents—all passing judgement. “Look at that bum,” they thought. “Freeloader can’t pay his own way. Probably wants to rob us.” I thought of my own grandparents then. They wouldn’t be too happy if they knew I was hitchhiking up Island. Probably wouldn’t pick me up, either. I reached down and felt the pre-rolled joint in my pocket.

10 FEATURE • Martlet

January 16, 2014

lane from Burnside and an intersection from the Sooke turnoff both converged here as well. We got subs and ate them inside. “So. What you think?” asked Bennett between bites. “Sucks.” “C’mon.” “No one stops.” “They will, young Padawan. They will.” Bennett grinned his goofy, toothy grin. He had the mouth of a horse, full of teeth all strong at the front. He was the only guy I knew who still rocked the mushroom cut—a style that had gone out during middle school so many years before. The undershave went high and his top hair dropped down past his ears. He wasn’t ready to let grunge die. I, on the other hand, had a head full of curls. Bennett liked to make fun of these curls, oddly enough. I made fun of his height. At 5’9,


mouth. I groaned inwardly. All the people who could have stopped and it had to be this guy. Unreal. “Nanaimo, eh?” he said, drawing out the eh. “You going that far?” asked Bennett. “Going that far? Boy, I’m going to Alaska.” He put a real emphasis on that last word. “In this thing?” Again the man peered at Bennett through the rear view. He squinted beneath his bushy eyebrows. “You got a problem with my car?” “No. Not at all. That just seems like a long way.” The driver looked back at the road. “Well, it is a long way. And I should warn you boys, wipers are on the fritz.” I glanced back at Bennett. He didn’t look pleased. “Hoping this rain lets off a bit,” added the man. “They seem fine to me,” I ventured. “Oh yeah, they are. For now. Usually got a good hour in ‘em. Been on about half an hour now, though. We’ll see.” “And what happens if they stop?” asked Bennett. The man snorted as if that was the dumbest question he ever heard. “We stop and fix ‘em. What else?” If I were a religious man I would have thanked God that we made it over the Malahat before they stopped. Well, almost made it. We were buzzing through the home stretch, heading downhill toward Brentwood Bay when they stopped for the first time. They’d been going, going, going, and then they just stopped. The rain came down in droves. “God-dammit!” the driver hissed. We’d been in the fast lane and he slowed abruptly. This action was met by an angry honk from behind. “Motherfucker,” he said, more to himself than anyone. He got into the slow lane and the cars behind us sped past. The people in them surely gave us the finger and shook their fists, but I kept my eyes on the opposite window. “Hey!” said the driver, pleased. I looked ahead and the wipers were going again. “Back in business.” Business, as it were, lasted eight seconds. “Fuck!” He leaned forward to try and see through the curtain of water pelting down on the windshield. “Not sure if this’ll work.” “You think?” muttered Bennett under his breath. He didn’t look pleased. We made it to the gas station just before Duncan. Our driver popped the hood and played around with some things, whistling to himself all the while. We stayed in the car. “This guy’s insane,” said Bennett. “He doesn’t even puff. Look at this bumper sticker.” Bennett leaned forward and read it. “Who cares? I just want to get there in one piece.” He shook his head. “Alaska? Honestly?” We got going again, but had only gone a few clicks before the wipers frapped out again. We drove slowly into Duncan and stopped at the first gas station. The man looked at us. “Either you boys good at mechanics?” I watched Bennett lean over the hood and fiddle about. He’d been a car guy for as long as I’d known him, ever since elementary school. He and his dad used to debate Ford and Chevy at the supper table. If anyone was going to get the wipers working, it would be Bennett. After a while, he and the driver got back in the car. We had made it through Duncan, but that was it. By now the wipers were hardly going at all. We stopped at yet another gas station and the three of us got out. The driver bought some of that water bead-off stuff from inside. “Maybe this’ll work. Gotta get the windshield good and dry though.” We each grabbed a couple handfuls of paper towel and scrubbed the windshield. We scrubbed until it was good and dry. Then driver poured the fluid over. “Gotta wait till she dries, till it soaks into the glass. Says half an hour.” We waited there for half an hour, hardly speaking, listening to the rain thump onto the roof overhead. By the time we got going again the sky had darkened. We quickly discovered the bead-off stuff didn’t work. At least not during a downpour. “Really thought that would work,” said the driver. I could feel Bennett’s disdain permeating from the back seat. “All right, boys. Gonna need you to work the wipers. It’s the only way.” Now it was my turn to contribute. I hoisted my torso out the window and ran the wiper across the shield as best I could. Since I couldn’t reach the far side, the man had to lean over the centre console to see out my partially cleared side. We went like that from Cowichan through to Ladysmith until the rain let up just before we reached Nanaimo. The speedometer didn’t pass 40 kilometres per hour once. We arrived just after 11 p.m., even though we’d been picked up just after 2 p.m., meaning it took us nine hours to span 100 kilometres. Our driver dropped us off near Malaspina College where our friends had long since started the party. Bennett and I grabbed our stuff from the car and trudged away. I don’t think we even said goodbye to the old guy. I wonder if he ever made it to Alaska.

January 16, 2014

MARTLET • FEATURE 11


Culture

Want to review a book or album for the Martlet? Stop by our office, SUB B011.

Bacon jam and other recipes from Sea Salt

PROVIDED ADAM HAYMAN Bacon jam. Upon hearing of its existence, every meat-eating man or woman begins a subconscious journey to taste it. You may not realize that you’ve been searching for it, but trust me, you have. Similar to the Austrian bacon and garlic spread Verhackert, bacon jam was made famous by Seattle-based food truck Skillet, which opened in 2007. Nowadays, bacon jam is all over the Internet. Although I heard about it while watching an episode of Chef At Home on the Food Network, it wasn’t until I picked up a copy of the cookbook Sea Salt and read its recipe that I realized I was destined to make it. Besides its recipe for spreadable pork (more on bacon jam later), Sea Salt is chock full of excellent and easy recipes. Designed with oceans in mind by Alison Malone Eathorne and Hilary and Lorna Malone, this

cookbook is broken up into eight chapters. Each chapter has a theme, for example: Brunch, On the Beach, Entertaining on the Dock, and Racing. Some items are best for feeding guests, like the grilled salmon with tamari soba noodles, and others are perfect for a snack stashed away in your boat while sailing, like the candied smoked salmon recipe. There are lots of great recipes in this cookbook. I found the recipes to be well written, and a good handful of them can be made with relatively few ingredients. Some of the particularly approachable recipes are perfect for any university student looking to impress visiting parents. My favourites were the grilled brie with thyme-infused honey, and the white bean hummus. The brie, which can also be heated up in an oven, was nearly foolproof, and the honey is delicious and simple. An added bonus is that thyme-infused honey

sounds incredibly fancy. The white bean hummus is a twist on a basic hummus (usually made with chickpeas). I personally think it should be renamed “hummus-inspired white bean dip,” as its likeness to hummus is faint. Its hummus-like qualities boil down to an intense garlic flavour and a similar colour and texture, although it is still a great dip. One recipe however that I would avoid is the almond arugula pesto. The pesto, although peppery from the arugula, doesn’t offer enough kick to live up to its basil counterpart. This cookbook has a large number of recognizable recipes adapted to a new approach (sea salt and caramel brownies, wild mushroom soup, and muffin tin frittatas to name a few). This makes it a great resource book for a bourgeoning cook. However, the price of the ingredients on most recipes might be daunting for someone with a tight grocery budget. The

“Legendary Kid in the Hall”

bacon jam recipe, for example, calls for a pound of bacon, and a quarter cup of maple syrup. That cost can add up fast. Did your taste buds perk up upon reading the words ‘bacon jam’? They should. Here’s the breakdown. One pound of bacon is cut up and cooked until brown. One onion, sliced thin, four cloves of garlic, and a combination of cider vinegar, coffee, maple syrup, brown sugar, and some Tabasco make up the rest of it. To get the full recipe, you can check out the book. I’ve found that most online recipes involve maple syrup, and water, but the addition of coffee is a nice touch. The final product is caramelized, a touch tart, textured, and breathes an odor of soft masculinity. I don’t want to perpetuate the ridiculous “bacon is next to manhood“ trend that has developed in the past years (even if Nick Offerman is a genius), but the thought can’t help but barrel into

your brain upon smelling this spread. It possesses all the sweet charm of caramelized onions and brown sugar, and all the grit of a bear hug from a chain-smoking, coffee-drinking swine farmer. Bacon jam immediately elevates a burger, grilled cheese sandwich, or salad dressing. It even finds a home in an oven-roasted salmon recipe, with some help from a tasty coating of cornflakes and pecans. To steer the train back to Sea Salt, the number of creative-yet-familiar recipes in this cookbook make it ideal for any student looking to take their cooking past the realm of wieners and beans, or pre-made pasta sauce and chicken. It also would be great for a west coast cook looking to reinvent some of their favourites. To find a copy of this book, check out the website at seasaltcookbook. com.

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January 16, 2014

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Music for that January mood BRONTË RENWICK-SHIELDS I find January to be a melancholy month: after the holidays, but spring has yet to make any appearances; the whole month is kind of like a bad hangover after the festivities of December. The beginning of January is generally a time of high hopes, resolutions beginning with “This year I will…,” but, nearing the end, there is usually the general recognition that, just like Januarys before, you’ve fallen back into your old patterns. It’s dark and cold, and you’re snapped back to the reality of school. However, it’s also the beginning of a new year, and there is definitely a sense of wonder at what that year will bring. January is kind of like the moody teenager of the calendar, so here are some tunes to get you through that new year funk.

1. GLORY BOX, BY PORTISHEAD The band’s vocalist, Beth Gibbons, sings sensual and haunting lyrics accompanied by dreamlike instrumentals and beats the band is so well known for. This song will put you in a trance, perfect for reminiscing about your past year. It’s a song in tune with your melancholy mindset, perfect for moments of quiet contemplation.

2. CHAMPION SOUND, BY CRYSTAL FIGHTERS If “Glory Box“ had you daydreaming, the uplifting and relaxing beat of “Champion Sound“ will gently rock you awake. This song promises great things, and will make you feel like the new year’s opportunities are endless, and amazing things are just around the corner.

3. FURR, BY BLITZEN TRAPPER This number opens with a roar, literally. Beyond that, the folk song’s mood-elevating and catchy beat, coupled with beautiful, story-telling lyrics, will have you both listening intently and feeling a need to dance, from your head to your toes.

4. WHEN THE SEASONS DROWN, BY GREY KINGDOM If you feel like the winter is weighing too heavily on your mind and heart, this song will sympathize. While it won’t necessarily bring you out of that wintery sulk, you definitely will find comfort in Spencer Burton’s voice and relate to the song’s moody tone.

5. THE WOODPILE, BY FRIGHTENED RABBIT This Scottish band’s folk-rock beats and lyrics will have you seeking to hide out the winter with your friends, by a warm fire, and set aside the rest of your worries for a while.

6. PEOPLE, BY WILDERNESS CREW This B.C.-based hip-hop crew has created an anthem that speaks for seeing the best in human nature. It will have you believing both in yourself and in the fact that summer is just around the corner.

7. SON’S GONNA RISE, BY CITIZEN COPE Apparent from this song’s title, this song assures you that the sun will rise, and on those dark January days, this song reminds you that each one of these days is slowly getting

“The function of art is to do more than tell it like it is – it’s to imagine what is possible.” - bell hooks

brighter as we head towards spring. Keep your chin up.

8. GET FREE, BY MAJOR LAZER This uplifting song will have you dancing, and watching the music video prompts seeing things a little differently (in a good way), giving you an excellent mindset to start off the new year, and perhaps fulfill some of those resolutions.

9. MESSAGES, BY XAVIER RUDD This beautiful and deep folk song calls to mind each year’s passing, where we’ve come from and where we have yet to go. However, instead of being overwhelming, this song puts it in a way that makes you feel hopeful for what we can accomplish.

10. 1904, BY TALLEST MAN ON EARTH This song makes me think of the past, and also recognize that the world just keeps turning. Regardless of what pivotal moment we believe is happening in our lives, the years keep going, and this song will remind you not to let the time slip by.

11. WHITE MOTH, BY XAVIER RUDD This joyful song will make you welcome January! It will make you want to go outside, regardless of weather, and appreciate each day. Enjoy these songs, sit back, and relax into the New Year. Find a fire to cozy up to, grab a good cup of tea, and wait out until summer. Now is the time to decide what your next step is.

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Provost’s Diversity Research Forum Critical Conversations: Arts, Allies and Activism Engage, reflect, be inspired… How does research benefit the community? How do we become allies in the movement for social justice? Learn about innovative research from UVic faculty, staff and students. Participate in critical conversations on gender, race, faith, sexuality, Indigenous approaches to the arts, and more…. Keynote speakers:

Denise Chong

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Everyone welcome—students, faculty, staff and community members Registration is FREE. Please register early as space is limited. All rooms are accessible: Student Union Building and First Peoples House. For more information visit www.uvic.ca/diversityforum or contact diverse@uvic.ca

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January 16, 2014

MARTLET • CULTURE 13


BRANDON EVERELL

UVic’s First Peoples House is designed after modern and traditional Coast Salish influences.

Reservation Road

Guests need remember that colonialism lives REGAN SHRUMM Every day at UVic, I am reminded that I am a guest on this land. I’m made aware by the totem poles carved by

Henry Hunt in the quad. I’m notified by the drumming I hear from the First Peoples House. However, once I leave this academic-sanctioned area, I realize that there is less evidence

of indigenous people being alive and thriving. Instead, non-indigenous peoples often characterize the diverse cultures of indigenous peoples as the stereotypes derived

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14 CULTURE • MARTLET

January 16, 2014

from old silent films and Buffalo Bill shows. I was particularly taken by this phenomenon during my visit to a small village near my hometown. La Conner, Washington, is a quaint town known for its tulips and charming Victorian houses. A favourite escape location for Seattleites to spend a weekend, La Conner is full of history, as seen by the historical plaques that are on display throughout the town. Yet, just across the Skagit River, sits the Swinomish Reservation. Realizing that I had lived in this area for eight years and had never gone to the reservation, I decided to take a bus and travel to a nation that was seemingly being ignored by the tourists of La Conner. Hopping onto a small bus, I found that there would be only one other passenger riding with me to the La Conner area. I complimented the fellow passenger for her Bill Reid bag, which led to a half-hour conversation; the woman was Kwakwaka’wakw, but had married into the Swinomish Tribe. I told her of my plans to go onto the reservation. “What do you want to do that for?” she said, “There’s nothing there but res dogs and res cars.” I explained that I had taken classes on Pacific Northwest Indigenous art, but yet had never taken the time to look at art in the land and culture where it was originally made. She just shook her head in wonderment until I left the bus, but her question rang in my ears. The community bus didn’t stop in the reservation; it drove past it and then you had to walk a couple of blocks back. Unfortunately, the cultural centre and archives were closed, so I slowly headed back to La Conner. The reservation had a charm of its own, the town filled with public art, from buildings that look like cedar hats to beautifully carved totem poles. Here, I could touch the art out in the open, feel the grain of the wood and smell the earthy scent, so unlike seeing the art behind glass

walls in a museum as I was accustomed to. As I walked up to the pole carved by Chief Martin Sampson in 1938, a Reservation Police car pulled up to the road to talk with me. The officer asked me if I was lost, with the same quizzical look as the woman on the bus. I explained that I was simply there to look at the art, and the officer said in response, “We don’t get many white people who just stop and look at art. Tourists go to La Conner for that.” Though the officer left with a friendly smile, I decided that I should leave before I raised any further suspicion. Walking down Reservation Road, I realized that once across the bridge over the river, the road turns into Pioneer Road. From there I could see Pioneer Park which contained a rustic log cabin, as well as many “ye olde” games and activities. The town of La Conner, with all its historical plaques and its emphasis on pioneer life, glazes over the indigenous history the land lived before it was established as a white settlement. I always knew colonization was still present, but I never realized to what extent until I crossed that bridge. The winding Pioneer Road lead me to the only evidence of indigenous culture in La Conner: an “authentic Indian” canoe. However, after reading its historical plaque, I concluded that this canoe was created in tribute to the founders of La Conner during the town’s Pow Wow Days. How many tourists in La Conner think that this so-called “artefact” represents real indigenous culture? How many people think that indigenous culture is in the past, just like the canoe, when the living people and culture are actually right across the water? Perhaps everyone needs a reminder that we are simply a guest on this land and that colonization is not a thing of the past.


Popped culture

Three surprising pop culture tearjerkers MIA STEINBERG I have never been averse to a good tearjerker, whether in film, television, or another medium, partly because they happen so rarely for me. Doing a minor in film studies will open your mind to a lot of incredible things, but it will also ruin a lot of movies for you; big orchestral swells or sobbing lead actresses will leave you unmoved, even as your mother sits beside you and weeps into her knitting (true story). But even though I roll my eyes through some of my friends’ favourite chick fl icks, I’ve come to truly appreciate when a story does bring me to tears, and the emotional release is far more meaningful and cathartic. Now, that doesn’t mean that I’m a monster; I sobbed at the end of Toy Story 3 just like everyone else, but there are some pieces of pop culture that unexpectedly made me cry, and they hit out of nowhere like mascararuining bombs. So if you’ve been eyeing that tub of Ben and Jerry’s lately and need a new way to let the crying come, here are three surprising things that left me reaching for the tissues. Obviously spoilers are ahead, but I’ve tried to avoid spilling all the details.

FUTURAMA - “MEANWHILE” Futurama aired its series finale this year, again, because apparently Comedy Central is allergic to money. The sci-fi cartoon—created by Matt Groening of Simpsons fame and often far more clever than its Springfield counterpart—died its first death when Fox cancelled it in 2003;

it was revived in 2008, and weathered near-cancellation in 2009 and 2011. However, it seems that this might be the true end to the adventures of Philip J. Fry, the pizza boy who was cryogenically frozen at the end of 1999 and woke up 1 000 years later in an insane futuristic version of New York. Earlier Futurama fi nales typically focused on tying up the central romance subplot between Fry and cyclopian ship captain Leela, and the plot of “Meanwhile” concerns Fry’s proposal and their marriage; he takes kooky Professor Farnsworth’s latest time manipulation device, intending to stretch out the moment a little, but inadvertently ends up freezing everyone in the universe except for himself and Leela. While it was beautiful to see the two characters grow old together, the episode also managed to celebrate the spirit of Futurama itself, as a show, which was reborn on the basis of being highly successful in syndicated reruns. It lived in repetition for many years before having the chance to tell new stories, and several episodes of the Comedy Central era—particularly “The Late Philip J. Fry” and “Bender’s Big Score”—played with the notion of criss-crossing timelines and cyclical, repeating universes. The final words of the series—“What do you say? Wanna go around again?”—were the perfect way to say goodbye—for the fourth time.

GONE HOME I don’t want to spoil this game, because absolutely everyone should go buy it from Steam and play it.

KLARA WOLDENGA We need way more video games like this. Gone Home is a fi rst-person, adventure-type game in which you play Kaitlin Greenbriar, a college student who’s spent a year in Europe and arrives home only to find her family’s gigantic mansion completely deserted. As you explore each room, trying to fi gure out what happened to your family, you uncover a series of journal entries from Kaitlin’s younger sister Samantha, which start to explain the situation. The thing about Gone Home is that it tells a fairly simple story, but it does so with immensely strong writing and voice acting, and conveys a great deal solely with the visuals: a letter crumpled up in a garbage can, a brochure in the greenhouse, or a photo inside a locker all contribute to the narrative while still leaving you to connect the dots. Gone Home is also significant for being one of the few video games out there right now which include LGBT themes. While the ending isn’t tragic, I still cried at the final journal entry, because over the course of

just a few hours I’d come to connect with the characters and felt both saddened and overjoyed at Samantha’s fate. Video games can tell monumentally powerful stories, and Gone Home is proof.

THE END CREDITS TO WALL-E Let me be clear on this: I think Wall-e is absolutely brilliant, possibly the best Pixar film ever made, and I’ve re-watched it more times than I can count. Wall-e is the tale of the titular robot, the last of a series designed to clean up a trash-ridden, postapocalyptic Earth, while humanity took a millennia-long pleasure cruise in space. He ends up hitching a ride back to the space ship in pursuit of a female robot named EVE and the living plant she’s discovered, and he plays a significant role in bringing the humans home. Now, I held it together throughout most of the story—which is essentially a Charlie Chaplin romance, except with robots—but the ending

credits were another thing entirely. Wall-e ends with the humans—who haven’t known anything but the fully-automated ship for thousands of years—coming back to Earth and attempting a fresh start on their junkcovered home planet. The end titles are a set of illustrated scenes which show what happens to them next, and each scene follows the history of art— from cave paintings, to hieroglyphics, to pointillism to Impressionism—all scored by Peter Gabriel’s Oscarnominated song “Down to Earth.” It was such a profoundly beautiful epilogue to an already gorgeous movie, showing that everyone truly did live happily ever after, and it made me burst into tears. I sat in the empty theatre and sobbed until the reel went blank, and I still cry to this day. It’s one thing to make a beautiful-looking CGI movie; however, it takes a set of geniuses like the minds at Pixar to bring you to tears with nothing but a credits sequence.

CFUV is an award-winning campus/community radio station based at the University of Victoria. For more information about CFUV, including volunteer info, our program schedule, complete charts and much more, visit us at cfuv.uvic.ca

You can suggest covers and editorial topics every week! Story meetings Monday 2:30 p.m. Editorial meetings Wednesday 2 p.m. In SUB B011

CFUV TOP TEN — Week Of January 14th, 2014 1.

SHARON JONES & THE DAP-KINGS Give The People What They Want (Daptone)

6.

SERENGETI C.A.B. (Anticon)

7.

THEESATISFACTION ...And That's Your Time (Self-Released)

8.

VELVET UNDERGROUND White Light/White Heat (45th Anniversary Super Deluxe Edition; Universal Music)

2.

DOG DAY * Fade Out (Fun Dog)

3.

PHEDRE * Golden Age (Daps)

4.

BLOOD ORANGE Cupid Deluxe (Domino)

9.

THE BALLANTYNES * Liquor Store Gun Store Pawn Shop Church (La-Ti-Da)

5.

BETRAYERS * Let The Good Times Die (Perfect Master)

10.

TOUGH AGE * Tough Age (Mint)

*Canadian artist

+Local artist

LISTEN: 101.9FM in Victoria | cfuv.streamon.fm | Telus Optik 7033 ONLINE: Twitter @CFUV | facebook.com/CFUV101.9 | cfuv.uvic.ca January 16, 2014

MARTLET • CULTURE 15


Katwalk

Å-Land store in Myeong-dong, Seoul.

KATRINA WONG

Double back to Korea A second chance for plastic to sublime KATRINA WONG During the holidays, I returned to my mother’s homeland for the second time, to further absorb the culture I was geographically isolated from in my early youth. If you know anything about Korea, it’s probably about the cosmetics and cosmetic surgery. The cosmetic stores were my first visit’s focus; this time I decided there was more to the country’s bona fide beauty. Appearances are so important that you can find mirrors in the train stations and even along the indoor roller coaster waiting line, to turn up-dos into down-dos for maximum hair tousling. It got to a point where everyone in the city was so well dressed, because their stores are so well stocked and varied in colour, style, and texture, that my eyes hurt from trying to focus on every detail. (And believe me, it was difficult to shop.) The broad trends were skirts attached to leggings with fuzzy linings, which are incredibly, meltingly soft on your warmed skin, and spacious, rotund tops or jackets, to accentuate twiggy legs. Korea has an endless selection of knits—be meticulous in your choosing, or you might buy them all. Korean couples often dress similarly and like to get the same coat or jacket during the winter season. Not just with a similar style, brand, or colour; they wear exactly the same outerwear. Beanies may be included. I noticed two kinds of older women.

16 CULTURE • MARTLET

January 16, 2014

One wore beautiful (perhaps faux) fur coats and pearls, while the other wore what I like to call Ajumma-pants. “Ajumma” is Korean for aunt or middle-aged woman. These pants poof slightly around the hips and thighs, narrow towards the ankle, and are made with comfortable, quilt-like materials for laborious movement. These are paired with jackets of the same material, that resemble the top of a Hanbok, the traditional Korean dress, though the jacket comes together at the front with a bulbous knot rather than a long, draping silk ribbon. The micro-fashion around Myeongdong is adorably squeal-worthy, with little girls in emerald fur coats, prim white dresses and black ballet flats, and infants in starry-eared pompom beanies. It’s no wonder the children are even more well dressed than their guardians, because they make such perfect models for reinventing outfits. I came to love Å-land (a-land.co.kr), which has been described as the Korean Urban Outfitters, but is exceedingly better by all accounts. I can only describe the surface, because it would have taken me the whole holiday to properly examine the offerings. The store, which has four or five levels in total, is generously supplied with clothing and accessories from brands that were unfamiliar to me, yet produce quality articles. To the best of my memory, some levels had a unique feature: the basement had shelves and shelves of scarves; the first floor was laden with

too many socks; the penultimate floor’s walls were coated in accessories by a brand called 3.3 Field Trip; and the topmost floor held mostly vintage items, with rustic interiors and handmade watches. There’s also a second chapter called Å-2 Page. I purchased a set of 3.3 Field Trip hair elastics that seem to be the novel take on hairbands lately (but it could be a chicken and egg scenario). They’re really just wider, flatter elastic bands that end in a knot rather than a metal clasp, but I do find them vaguely prettier. They remind me of the ballet ribbons I used to tie around my ankles. Rachael from Shore Society (blog. shoresociety.com) posted a DIY project on them, so you can make your own with materials of your choice. I also got one too many ear cuffs from an accessory store called Redeye. They’re simple and small, backed by faux pearls and fronted with skulls, roses, or glittering golden spheres. Due to the lack of occasion, I’m holding off on the larger cuffs that cradle the whole ear, like the fast-selling beauties by Molten Store (moltenstore.com) or Ryan Storer, whose designs you can find at net-a-porter.com. If you ever decide to explore south of the country, be sure to visit Myeongdong. The winter is cold, but the brown sugar pancakes (hoddeok) and oxbone soup (seolleongtang) will warm your Seoul. Annyeong haseyo!


Sports | Lifestyle

Like our regular columns? Find all instalments on Martlet.ca (click the author’s byline).

Kickin’ it old school

The Vikes’ Shaylyn Crisp in action on Jan. 10, 2014

ELAINE VALLIS

Holidays out of the way, more Vikes basketball to come 2014’s tips for better success with resolutions

CHORONG KIM

ALEX KURIAL

After posting dominant first halves to their respective seasons, both the Vikes’ men’s and women’s basketball teams hit the road over the holiday break to test their skills outside the Canada West conference. The men took their Canada West best mark of 9-1 down to California for games against the Biola University Eagles and Concordia Eagles, both playing out of the American-based National Association of Intercollegiate Athletes (NAIA). The first tipoff of their journey took place in La Mirada, Calif. on Dec. 30 against Biola. The first half went perfectly to script, as a fast start saw the Vikes open up a lead of 14 points en route to a 33-27 advantage at halftime. A different Biola team came out after half though, dominating UVic in the paint by a 20-2 mark to get back in the game. Biola took the lead courtesy of a Pierre Zook three-pointer with just over three minutes to go, and held on for the 69-61 win. The Vikes were back in action on New Year’s Eve just down the road in Irvine, Calif. This time, it was their opponents who got off to the fast start, with Concordia taking advantage of sloppy Vikes play to post 16 points off turnovers in the first half. The Eagles led 40-27 at the half, and despite UVic winning the second half battle, Concordia emerged victorious 72-60. Fourth-year centre Chris McLaughlin put up a game-high 22 points and nine rebounds against Biola, while senior guard Terrell Evans had the game’s top mark against Concordia with 18 points. Despite the results, Head Coach Craig Beaucamp was pleased with the trip. “Really the trip is just to get us back up to speed, get a little bit of timing and get some of the rust off. So, mission accomplished, as far as that goes.” It certainly helped the Vikes in their return to Canada West action, as the number one ranked defense in the conference stifled the visiting Saskatchewan Huskies on Jan. 10, at

the McKinnon Gym, for a 55-46 win. “It’s a real focus of what we do every night at practice,” Beaucamp commented on UVic’s defensive success. “We spend at least half our practice time playing defense and working on different breakdown drills. We’re getting carry-over, and it’s certainly giving us an opportunity to be successful every night.” The Vikes just failed to complete the weekend sweep on Jan. 11, against the Alberta Pandas, falling 61-58. UVic still enjoys a three-game lead on top of the Pacific division, however, with their 10-2 record. This weekend sees the team head north to Prince George for a doubleheader against the UNBC Timberwolves (4-8) on Jan. 17 and 18. The women stayed in the great white north, though had a lot farther to travel. The Holiday Classic tournament took place in Halifax, with the first game coming against the McMaster Marauders on Dec. 28. The Hamilton team certainly had the edge, winning every quarter to dispatch the Vikes 76-54. Centre Hailey Milligan was unstoppable under the boards for McMaster, recording a double-double with 32 points and 11 rebounds, both game highs. UVic had to regroup quickly after the loss, with a game the following day against the Western Mustangs. This time their fortunes would be much improved, as they pulled out a tight 77-74 win over the host side. In a game that was close throughout, the Vikes carried a four-point lead into halftime, only to see the advantage slip to one, going into the fourth. Western would take the lead early on in the final frame, and led by as many as seven, but strong resolve from UVic allowed them to stay close going into the final minutes. A pair of clutch free-throws from Shaylyn Crisp, with 39 seconds left, returned the lead to UVic, while a steal by Nicole Karstein, on the following Western possession, allowed the Vikes to put the game away. The women’s third and final game of the Holiday Classic came against the host Dalhousie Tigers. This one went to an extra frame, with the Vikes

once again prevailing in a high scoring 88-86 overtime affair. UVic saw four players score in double figures, including fourth-year forward Jessica Renfrew, with 25. Renfrew led the Vikes in scoring all three games of the tournament, averaging over 21 points a game. Fellow fourth-years Cassandra Goodis and Sarah Semeniuk had 23 and 14 points in the final game respectively, while second-year forward Jenna Bugiardini chipped in with 16 points. Vikes Assistant Coach Leanne Evans was impressed with how the team closed out the tournament. “They were all really top teams, and I think in the first game we got caught on our heels,” Evans commented on the opening loss. “The second game against Western, we really battled hard for the full 40 minutes. Against Dalhousie, it wasn’t pretty the whole game, but we fought it out to win by two in overtime.” While UVic had a strong close to 2013, including a six-game Canada West win streak and a pair of gutsy performances in the Holiday Classic, their first taste of 2014 action did not fall in their favour. The Vikes were beaten twice at home on Jan. 10 and 11, with a rough 73-45 loss to Saskatchewan, followed by a 64-54 defeat to Alberta. UVic is still well in contention for top spot in the Pacific division despite the losses; their 7-5 mark sees them just one game back of the first-place UFV Cascades. With a playoff spot looking assured, the Vikes will focus the rest of their season on locking up a top seed, while entering the playoffs on a hot streak. Though they got away from their game plan this past weekend, Evans stresses that defense is key to the team’s success. “We’ve been putting a major focus on defense in practice. We know that if we want to get to playoffs and nationals, we have to hold teams below 60 points.” The Vikes will have a chance to get back in the win column on Jan. 17 and 18, as they also make the trip to Prince George for a doubleheader against UNBC (4-8).

SHANNON K. AURINGER Five, four, three, two, one . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR! Auld Lang Syne blares through the air while partygoers kiss and hug their way around the room. This is the moment where everyone is a friend and bygones become bygones. It is the first day of a new year and a clean slate; anything is possible. The excited chatter of resolutions and lofty goals are exchanged and compared as each one seemingly outdoes the previous. Some people vow to lose 10 pounds or start jogging five kilometres a day, while others swear this is their last cigarette or chocolate bar. It is the one day of the year where it is universally understood that 90 per cent of these goals will never happen and it’s totally okay. After all, it’s the thought that counts, right? It’s no secret that society seems to enjoy rituals that give the idea that the future is going to be different. Weddings are pinnacle for the beginning of two people’s lives merging into one and becoming a “new“ life, where “I“ is replaced by “we.“ Funerals mark the start of a new journey to “a better place“ by the deceased, and then there’s always the birthday bonanzas; life begins at 40, or 60 is the new 50. There seems to be an abundance of need for these moments in order for many of us to create needed change; so it’s no wonder that most of us are guilty of making a New Year’s resolution or five. A key to being successful at your resolution is to keep it realistic and within your control. Don’t pick a change that’s completely reliant on the actions or support of another person. Following this guideline will take away the chance of instant failure through no fault of your own, since we, of course, cannot control what other people choose to do. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a support person; it just means the goal shouldn’t be dependent on January 16, 2014

another person. Your resolution for change should be exactly that—yours. Resolving to make a change is a personal endeavour, and lasting change usually only happens when someone does the work and makes the change for themselves. Another suggestion would be to keep it small and work your way up. Making a lofty goal can seem like a good idea at the time and may even feel like you’re trying to challenge yourself, but in reality, it can actually have the reverse effect. The problem is that when the excitement of the idea dies down a bit, which will inevitably happen, it may become overwhelming to the point of failure. This doesn’t mean that you should be picking a resolution that’s a complete no-brainer like “tomorrow morning I will wake up.“ Woo, instant success! It just means that instead of resolving to lose 50 pounds in 2014, start with five and go from there. There is no shame in starting small. If it’s the type of goal that you can do in stages, then set up a little reward system for yourself to keep motivation consistently moving forward. With any change worth making, there are usually hiccups or setbacks along the way at some point. Unfortunately, many of us have been guilty, at one time or another, of just scrapping the entire goal when this happens. Lasting change is not an all-or-nothing process, and it is important to be kind to yourself along the way. Whether your focus went MIA for a day, or you lost the battle of vegetarianism to the local steakhouse one night, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is not to get too frustrated and call it quits. Anything worth changing or having is bound to have its little moments of negativity, but don’t live there. Accept the setback and move forward. You don’t need the Times Square apple to drop again to press the reset button; just go to bed. Tomorrow is always a new day.

MARTLET • Sports | Lifestyle 17


Vikes’ hockey team looks to rebound after slow start

What are your thoughts on the upcoming Olympic games?

TYLER BENNETT The UVic hockey team has struggled thus far in the 2013/14 season, but things are looking up as of late, as Vikes’ goaltender Nick Babich has led the way for the rest of the team to follow. After a slow start, the Vikes’ offence is finally beginning to heat up, the defence is solidifying and the goaltending has been nothing short of superb. Although there haven’t been too many highlights in a 2-11 fall season, Head Coach Harry Schamhart is taking the positives and leaving the first half of the season behind, looking forward to a more successful 2014. The Vikes have had flashes of being a contending team, but the consistency hasn’t been there, and that has cost them the majority of their games. However, coach Schamhart believes he can pull his team together and keep the momentum rolling, after a huge statement game against SFU, and bring more success in the second half of the season. Vikes’ goaltender Nick Babich has been the spark plug for the team as of late. Babich was BCIHL player of the week in early December, after shutting out SFU 5-0 in their own rink, and posting a .941 save percentage and 1.73 goals against average in that week. Babich has emerged from a small group of goaltenders on the Vikes’ roster and become the number one goalie on the team.

BRANDON JOHNSTON Second year Civil Engineering

“I’m excited to see team Canada play. ” ELLY THORNE Fourth year Religious Studies

“ I hope there’s some noise about,

is all; I don’t expect athletes to boycott the games, because it’s obviously kind of a once in a lifetime opportunity for them, but I do hope there’s some publicity and everything about what’s going on there.

Coach Schamhart believes in Babich. “I think he’ll be our starting goaltender,” says Schamhart. Much like the rest of the roster, Babich has been able to fight injuries to succeed. Coach Schamhart believes that, among his biggest successes for the first semester, the team battled hard through adversity and injuries to get this far into the season. “We started behind all the other teams at the start of the season,” Schamhart says. “It took us a while to catch up.” Schamhart feels that the players didn’t believe in themselves at the beginning of the season, but after some success, they’re pulling together. The team is now executing the coach’s strategy and playing the game that they want to play. “I’m proud of the boys, of how they fought through all of the negatives,” Schamhart says. “The most positive thing that has come out of this semester is that through all of the controversy the team has stuck together, executed, and worked as a team.” Schamhart’s goal for the second half of the season is straight to the point: “Make the playoffs. We want to make the playoffs and win the playoffs.” Despite a rough first half of the season, coach Schamhart still has his eyes set on winning it all. Behind a solid goaltender in Babich and some help up front, maybe a playoff berth isn’t so farfetched. However, there is still a long road ahead before the playoffs.

EAT BETTER EAT BUTTER... CHICKEN LIKE UVIC, WE HAVE THE BEST IN THE WORLD

NONDA PETROPOULOS Fourth year Engineering

“ I just generally don’t really agree

with everything Russia’s doing right now in terms of excluding the gay population and all that stuff. At the same time, I guess the whole point of the Olympics is to try and forget about politics and all that stuff and just bring the athletes, and that’s just really what it’s all about. But you can’t avoid that, so, it’s a little grey area.

OPEN 11AM - 9PM DAILY / FULLY LICENSED WWW.INDYOGA.CA 1015 FORT ST / (778) 433-8535 MAUREEN MCCULLIGH Fifth year Physical Education

“ I’m really excited. This is the first year I actually have cable for the Olympics, so I’m stoked on that.

Restaurant & Lounge

DOCUMENTATION BY JON-PAUL ZACHARIAS & BETH PARKER

18 Sports | Lifestyle • MARTLET

January 16, 2014

Exibiting local artwork / live DJs / menu available all night / gluten free & vegan dining options / comedy & open mic nights / free wi-fi / original house cocktails / unique urban underground in downtown Victoria cenoteloungevictoria.ca facebook.com/cenoterestaurantandlounge

768 Yates


Humour

A little birdie told us you can draw comics. Submit to graphics@martlet.ca!

MARY ROBERTSON

Mysterious doctor in blue police box accosts man seeking medical attention KLARA WOLDENGA HUMOUR—Herber Frendt, a Victoria local, received quite a scare after suffering from a heart attack downtown last week. According to witnesses, Frendt walked out of The Binge Eatery on Fort Street before quickly dropping to the ground, yelling in pain. Sarah Piller, who spotted Frendt’s fall, rushed to his aid. “You can’t just let something like that happen and not act,” stated Piller. “Sometimes you just have to run over and Instagram it.” Unfortunately, due to Piller’s preoccupation with her phone, she was unable to help him. “I am not a doctor anyway,” stated Piller. “The only thing I could do to

help was yell, ‘Is anyone here a doctor?’ in hopes that someone would hear and help him, allowing me to videotape the event.” According to witnesses, Piller’s cries for help were quickly followed by the apparition of a big, blue British police box, right beside Piller and Frendt. “It was like the world had split apart for just a second,” Frendt stated. “I wasn’t sure if I was hallucinating, until I realized that Sarah heard the crack and saw the box too.” A man, approximately five foot nine inches in height, quickly stepped out of the blue police box. According to witnesses, he wore a tweed jacket with elbow patches and a bow tie. The man from the box loudly stated

that he was a doctor. Despite the extremely odd entrance, Piller was not worried. “When he stated that he was a doctor, I was so relieved, as my battery was about to die,” stated Piller. Although the man claimed he was a doctor, he didn’t do much healing, according to Piller. “He just stood around talking about space and time,” stated Piller. Frendt, although in a lot of pain and slightly delusional, was able to remember the interaction he had with the mysterious doctor. “He [the doctor] started to point what he called a ‘screwdriver’ towards me, stating it would fix me. Sarah then started yelling, ‘He’s not a machine! You can’t fix

a person with a screwdriver!’” states Frendt. “It was all very confusing.” After reports of increasingly loud interactions between Piller and the mysterious doctor, the police arrived to investigate noise disturbance. Upon surveying the scene, the police brought the unnamed man in for questioning and called for an ambulance. Police questioning of the mysterious man was unsuccessful. Police reports state that the man has escaped police custody, and the police box he came out of is also reportedly missing. “We still have no idea who he was or why the hell he kept on talking about custard and fish sticks,” states police Chief Erik Vold.

Witnesses state that the police box disappeared soon after police took the man into custody. Henry Archer, a Victoria doctor, was also on the scene and witnessed the entire thing. “That’s an experience I’ll never forget. I mean, who was he?” When asked why he didn’t take it upon himself to help Frendt, Archer stated, “Everyone knows about the bystander effect. Why fight it?” As for Herbert Frendt, he was quickly rushed to the hospital once police arrived to the scene and has since been released to recover at home.

A-List

10 reasons why you should consider taking a cruise ship home instead of B.C. Ferries 1. Food and drink is included Why pay $22 for a crappy buffet, when you can stuff your face with more shrimp than your stomach can handle?

2. The routes aren’t being cut In fact, they are expanding!

3. Cheaper souvenirs One 12-dollar B.C. Ferries pen, or 24 50-cent Mexican pens? Your choice.

4. No expensive secret lounge areas Say no to being part of evil, exclusive clubs by not being on the boat that harbours them at all!

5. Children have more designated areas This is good for both parties, as no mysterious “kid tripping” will occur.

6. Student discounts I know, it’s crazy to think of a type of boat transportation giving student discounts, but sometimes the advancements in technology that make you the most uncomfortable are the most important.

7. Breakfasts are better

8. Staff is more friendly Finally, you can ask where the ice-cream machine is without judgment.

9. Chocolate fountain I know, you assumed that with the prices you were paying on ferries, they would have a chocolate fountain. Now after all these years, your dream of chocolate dipped fruit will be fulfilled.

10. Cruise ships take debit The way cruise ships are leaving us all in the technological dust astounds me.

I know you’ll miss those ice-cream scoop shaped scrambled eggs and soggy bread, but letting go is important.

KLARA WOLDENGA

January 16, 2014

MARTLET • HUMOUR 19


ZOË COLLIER

Congratulations KLARA WOLDENGA

(current Martlet Graphics and Humour editor) and

GEOFFREY LINE (last volume's Martlet Humour and Features editor) for each taking home JHM awards at the Canadian University Press National conference in Edmonton Jan. 8–12, 2014. Klara won in the comics category for "Robot Comics," a strip that regularly appears in the Martlet.

Geoff won in the humour category for his piece, "A letter from airport security," published in March 2013.

The John H. McDonald Awards are the only awards in Canada that are dedicated to recognizing excellence in student journalism. Visit cupnash.com/jhm for more info.

VOLUME 66

ISSUE 19

The Martlet Publishing Society is an incorporated B.C. society and operates based on our Statement of Principles. We strive to act as an agent of constructive social change and will not publish racist, sexist, homophobic or otherwise oppressive copy. Martlet (SUB B011) P.O. BOX 3035 University of Victoria Victoria, B.C. V8W 3P3

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Pictured Terrell Evans

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January 16, 2014