A GOLDEN HOUR?
ACTIVISTS SAY IT'S TIME TO TAKE THE SHINE OFF MINING COMPANY'S DONATION TO UVIC (P. 3)
THE UNIVERSITY OF VICTORIA’S INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER MARCH 7, 2013 • VOLUME 65 • ISSUE 26 • MARTLET.CA
LANDING A JOB BY MINDING YOUR MANNERS (P. 8)
DRONES: MORE THAN WEAPONS OF WAR (P. 10)
PHOTO CONTEST WINNERS IDENTIFY LOCAL ISSUES (P. 11)
WHALE WATCHERS BARK UP WRONG TREE — OR ROCK (P. 18)
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Donation to UVic from mining behemoth attracts criticism > LIZ MCARTHUR Vancouver-based resource extraction giant Goldcorp presented UVic’s Gustavson School of Business with a sizeable donation on Feb. 19. The $500 000 donation will help support the school’s growing Centre for Social and Sustainable Innovation (CSSI). The donor’s reputation when it comes to social and sustainable practices has drawn criticism in the past, however, and at some activists are asking the students of UVic to reject the money altogether. Dean of the Gustavson School of Business Saul Klein says the donation will allow the school to build on sustainability and social innovation, one of four pillars supporting UVic’s business education philosophy. “We believe it’s very important for our students, our graduates, to have a broader understanding of implications of management decisions on the environment, on society at large, as well as on the economy. This gift allows us to really entrench our [CSSI] and enhances opportunities to do more research in these areas, as well as inculcates the teaching philosophy.” Klein says Goldcorp’s commitment to corporate social responsibility is a big draw for the school. “Our willingness to engage with them is really based on the values that they espouse and the extent to which they agree to support or are willing to support the kinds of activities that we engage in,” he says. But Goldcorp’s history with corporate social responsibility is precisely what some critics object to, saying that it is either inadequate or non-existent. In particular, the groups Mining Watch and Rights Action have criticized the impact Goldcorp mines have had on surrounding communities in Guatemala and Honduras. Karen Spring works with human rights organization Rights Action. The group is active in Guatemala and Honduras, two of the eight countries where Goldcorp has operated or plans to operate. She is critical of the donation and references other donations Goldcorp has made to post-secondary institutions in Canada, like its $10-million donation to Simon Fraser University for a Downtown Eastside arts centre, the Goldcorp Centre for the Arts. “What does it say about academic research coming out of the institutions? They’re no longer going to be independent, neutral — not that they ever really were completely independent and neutral before — but I think a significant donation, like millions of dollars, is going to heavily influence what kind of research and what kind of voices are coming out of these centres and coming out of these schools.” The difference between the corporate social responsibility discussion in Canada and operations on the ground also worries Spring. “In
Canada, it’s really difficult for the Canadian public to look beyond this corporate social responsibility agenda. For me, it’s been really enlightening and a privilege to work in communities where Goldcorp is operating. I don’t work with the mining industry at all. I work with the communities that are actively resisting the operations of these companies.” Rodolfo Arteaga lives in a small community in Honduras beside Goldcorp’s San Martin mine and is a former mine worker. The mine is now closed and operates as a ecotourism resort — something the company points to as part of its commitment to “functioning ecosystems” and “sustainable jobs.” Arteaga has a very different view of Goldcorp’s involvement in his area. He blames his own health problems, such as acute bronchitis, as well as those in the community, on contamination from the mine. He lists leukemia, miscarriages, nervous disorders in children and bone diseases among the issues his community is dealing with. In November 2012, Arteaga took a group of activists up the hill beside his village and pointed to the mine-turned-tourist resort. He said the facility has two ponds that were stocked with fish, but that all the fish died. “All this water with heavy materials fell into the ponds and it killed all the fish,” he said. He then pointed to a large, grassy area. He said, “You can see that grass there, but people are not allowed to let their cows or their animals to go eat that grass because the state prohibits it.” Arteaga said he has not received any compensation from the mining company, but he holds the Honduran government equally accountable for not protecting the well-being of his community. Goldcorp Senior Vice President of Corporate Affairs Brent Bergeron is aware of the criticisms from not only activists, but also a human rights report commissioned by Goldcorp’s own shareholders. The Human Rights Assessment (HRA) of Goldcorp’s Marlin Mine was written in 2010 and makes some surprising observations. It assesses the actions of Montana, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Goldcorp that operates the mine located in the Western Guatemalan highlands. Among the observations, on page 215 the report states, “Human rights are explicitly addressed only in the area of security at the Marlin Mine. This reduces the responsibility for human rights to the level of the mine’s security department, rather than how it pertains to all operational areas, and situating responsibility at the highest levels of management and the Board of Directors of Montana and Goldcorp.” It goes on to recommend internal change, and adds positive change in the areas of occupational health and safety had already occurred at the
Goldcorp's San Martin mine has been turned into a tourist resort, but some locals are angered by problems they believe the mine left in its wake. time of the report. Bergeron says Goldcorp has improved its practices because of the assessment. “We were actually able to learn a lot more about the concerns of the community, and we did change our ways in terms of how we actually operate in the area. We had quite a number of recommendations that were put forward from the HRA. Some of the recommendations have been completed. Some of them are recommendations that require ongoing activity which we continue to do right now.” He adds Goldcorp had good news recently from the Swedish pension fund that took part in the report. “Given all the work the company had done over the past two or three years with respect to the HRA, the pension fund is actually taking us off their list of companies to watch out for.” Spring encourages students to do some research on Goldcorp and the mining industry, and if students feel strongly enough about the donation, “Ask [UVic] to give it back to Goldcorp and make a public statement about why they do not want the money.” Common Energy, a student group at UVic focused on sustainability, is also looking into the donation. Matt Hammer is in charge of their socially responsible investments project and disagrees with Spring. He thinks the university can use the money as a lever to ask Goldcorp to get better at real corporate social responsibility. At the very least, Spring says, “Have a discussion about what this money means.” �
CORPORATE SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY AT THE GOVERNMENT LEVEL In 2011, New Democrat MP for BurnabyNew Westminster Peter Julian tabled a private member’s bill, Bill C-323, The International Protection and Promotion of Human Rights Act, that aims to hold Canadian and non-Canadian companies accountable when they operate outside of Canada. You can view the bill and petitions to get it passed on peterjulian.ndp.ca under the “Walking the talk: human rights abroad” banner down the right side of the page. This is not the first time a bill like this has been presented in Parliament. In 2009, Liberal MP John McKay introduced Bill C-300. It included recommendations on corporate social responsibility from an advisory group report based on four National Roundtables on Corporate Social Responsibility, which can be found on miningwatch.ca. Bill C-300 failed when it was defeated in the House of Commons in a close vote: 140-134.
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Post-secondary funding a priority in NDP candidate‘s platform Jessica Van der Veen takes on Liberal Minister in May election > STUART ARMSTRONG Jessica Van der Veen is the NDP MLA candidate for the Oak Bay-Gordon Head riding, standing against current Minister of Aboriginal Relations and Reconciliation Ida Chong in the May 14 provincial election. This is the second time these two candidates have faced each other, as Van der Veen stood in the 2009 provincial election and lost to Chong by 561 votes. Van der Veen is running on a platform of support for postsecondary education and technical training, greater support for seniors and greater environmental stewardship. Van der Veen started her public work in 2007 by founding LANDS! (Let’s Agree Not to Dispose of Schools!), an organization dedicated to stopping sales by the B.C. government of public school lands and public green space across B.C. While working for this organization, Van der Veen earned a master’s degree in public administration from UVic. Her first promise, greater support for postsecondary education and trades training, would be funded by reinstating the 2008 tax profile that the B.C. Liberals abolished on banks. This reinstatement would raise an estimated $100 million annually. She says this money will be directed at universities for more generous student loans and needs-based grants. “When you apply for a student loan, you will get a combination of student loan and grant money. What that does is it removes barriers so that you can start university in the first place. Then you know you won’t be saddled with [. . .] horrendous debt,” said Van der Veen. This is particularly important as the Research Universities Council of B.C. recently released a labour market profile saying B.C. will have a
skilled labour shortage starting in 2016, with a shortage of 18 800 post-secondary graduates by 2020. Regardless of the current economic situation, however, Van der Veen is extremely optimistic about the future of B.C.’s economy. “We are not done building this country. We are not done building this province. It’s exciting,” said Van der Veen. “We have to work together. We have to stick together and be united in our determination to make this province better, and we will. She is also confident in the NDP’s ability to budget responsibly. According to Van der Veen, the NDP costs their budgets (takes into account all financial costs for electoral promises) to make “effective and strategic choices,” and has decided to focus provincial resources on target areas, the top choice being education and trades training support. The second pledge is based around greater homecare support for seniors to allow them to stay in their homes if they wish. “Adrian [Dix] has made a specific commitment to more homecare support. We have been calling for a long time for a seniors’ representative, like the children’s representative. And this is something that we have called for, and the Liberals finally agreed that this was a good idea, but they failed to deliver,” said Van der Veen. “There are a lot of seniors in Oak BayGordon Head that need their care stewarded and need services available and need to be able to afford their meds.” The third pledge, greater environmental stewardship, is centred on creating a B.C.-tailored environmental protection plan to replace the current reliance on regulations set by Ottawa. Van der Veen says an NDP government would provide a stable business environment. “Busi-
PROVIDED Jessica Van der Veen, the NDP MLA candidate for Oak Bay-Gordon Head in the May 14 election, says students should not face "horrendous debt."
ness is highly creative, but what business needs is stable ground to stand on . . . with things like health care, education, public services, good transportation services,” she said. Van der Veen has a dim view of the effectiveness of the B.C. Liberals’ job plan, saying, “I think it’s a government that is out of gas. No one would have liked the B.C. Jobs Plan to have
worked more than us, but it is a lot of hot gas, smoke and mirrors, and it’s not working.” As for the possible future, Van der Veen says until election day, she is wholly focused on campaigning, winning and representing the riding as a receptive and effective MLA, not spending time thinking about a possible cabinet post in an NDP government. �
B.C. Budget focuses on trades training, cuts to universities continue > VANESSA HAWK The 2013 B.C. Budget released on Feb. 19 offers few sustainable investments into post-secondary, instead opting to cut operating funds by $5 million in 2013–2014 as part of a total cut of $50 million to post-secondary schools’ funding by 2016. Programs that do invest in post-secondary, such as the B.C. Training and Education Savings Grant that encourages early education savings for young children, as well as funds for replacing equipment in trades institutions, are one-time payments. “I see an economic development plan that is to get natural gas out of the ground as quickly as possible instead of offshore as quickly as possible, and that’s it,” said Robert Clift, the executive director of the Confederation of University Faculty Associations of B.C. (CUFA BC). “And that’s not a stable model, and it really doesn’t address the realities of value-added or knowledge economies, which is the way we need to be
diversifying in B.C.” The education savings grant, a one-time $1 200 grant paid into children’s Registered Education Savings Plans (RESP) after they turn six years old, is also not a sustainable investment according to Clift, who called the program a “cynical gimmick.” Technical institutes need the equipment replacements, but Clift said upgrades need to be regular. “The idea on the one hand, that they’re giving us this equipment now but . . . cutting the total amount of money we have to deliver our programs to students, tells us that we’re going to have to wait for however many years again to replace that equipment,” said Clift. Both the budget and the Speech from the Throne that was presented on Feb. 12 note the importance of skills training for B.C.’s economic development in the liquefied natural gas industry. Post-secondary skills and education are also important in the face of more than one million jobs that will open up by 2020, according to the B.C. Labour Market Outlook 2010–2020.
“We need to ensure that we prepare our students for the jobs that need to be filled,” said former Minister of Advanced Education, Innovation and Technology John Yap, who stepped down from his post on March 4. “About 43 per cent of jobs coming at us in the next couple of years will require a trade or skill, and it’s very important that we continue to invest in trades training, not to say that other academic training isn’t important.” Though the B.C. Budget outlines the province’s spending for the next three years, it may be revised by a new government depending on the results of the provincial election on May 14. A vote on the second reading of the B.C. Budget on March 5 passed with 45 MLAs in favour and 38 opposed. Yap noted that the $1.9 billion figure for post-secondary institutions’ operating funds has increased 47 per cent since the Liberals took office in 2001; however, universities face a 2.5 per cent cut over the next three years. “We’re still making major investments in
areas like education,” said Yap. “Post-secondary education is still receiving about $1.9 billion in funding for the colleges and universities, which is very significant. We also are looking at ways for the 25 colleges, universities and institutions in our system to work more efficiently and find cost-savings through increased efficiencies.” The deadline for universities to find $50 million in savings, originally mandated in the 2012 budget, has been pushed back one year. This translates into substantial cuts across B.C.’s universities totalling $5 million in 2013–14, $20 million in 2014–15 and $25 million in 2015–16. To prepare for this, a four per cent cut across all departments at UVic goes into effect April 1. The government conducted an evaluation of how administrative services at post-secondary institutions could be streamlined and says that standardizing network software and shared purchasing of computers and freight services would save an estimated at $38 million to $83 million per year. However, the report says it may take up to six years for the savings to be fully realized. �
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4 NEWS • MARTLET March 7, 2013
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NEWS: national University briefs from elsewhere in Canada
MORAG.RIDDELL (VIA FLICKR COMMONS)
University of Regina to designate 10 gender-neutral washrooms SASKATCHEWAN — After two years of campaigning, University of Regina (UR) Pride has succeeded in having 10 gender-neutral washrooms assigned across the campus. “The premise of the washrooms would be that anyone, regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation . . . has access to this space,” Leah Kesier, executive director of UR Pride, told The
Carillon newspaper. UR Pride noted that harassment often occurs in washrooms for those who aren’t filling society’s “gender expectations.” The official launch day has not yet been announced, but UR pride has been working closely with the University of Regina. � With files from The Carillon
ANDRES MUSTA (VIA FLICKR COMMONS)
Number of education program applicants drops at UWindsor ONTARIO — In January 2013, the University of Windsor reported a drop of 25 per cent in the number of applicants to the education program compared to 2012. The university noted this as part of a current downward trend in the number of students pursuing education as a career in Ontario. Geri Salinitri, the acting associate dean of UWindsor’s Faculty of Education, stated that there are more people graduating from teaching
programs than teaching positions available in the province of Ontario. Many graduates who are hired often work part-time for six years or more before receiving a permanent position. This has led to many pursuing teaching jobs in other provinces where wages are much higher. �
With files from The Lance
McMaster University and librarian being sued for $3.5 million ONTARIO — The publishing company Edwin Mellen Press is suing McMaster University, along with a librarian, for libel damages. In 2010, the librarian, Dale Askey, wrote a series of blog posts criticizing Edwin Mellen Press as being unprofessional and questioning the quality of their publications. In June 2012, the
publishing company filed legal action against Askey as well as McMaster University as a codefendant and demanded the posts be taken down. McMaster, however, fully supports the librarian and his posts. � With files from The Silhouette
> AMARA JANSSENS — THE PEAK (SIMON FRASER UNIVERSITY) March 7, 2013 MARTLET • NEWS 5
BUSINESS & TECH
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You won’t be starved for entertainment with Feast or Famine > WILLIAM WORKMAN Feast or Famine, a high-energy running game in which you play a Neolithic caveman, is all about style and substance, providing players with a gorgeous backdrop and hours of gameplay. From the get-go, players are on the hunt. Starting with only a spear, they must use their reflexes to run down and collect meat from stampeding bison and overhead fowl with a well-placed throw. If players are not successful in their hunt, their caveman cannot eat. That means game over. As if the constant threat of starvation weren’t enough, all this has to be done while traversing the dangerous landscapes of ancient jungles and vast plains. As players move from level to level chasing their prey, they encounter treacherous threats — from prickly plants to raging beasts. Players can also collect other ancient weapons, such as a boomerang and, yes, even a rock. Each of these weapons comes with different features to help players with their hunting tactics. The boomerang, for example, is especially useful, because it comes flying back for a double strike. If the challenge still seems too great, players can also cash in bone tokens that they have collected throughout levels for technological advantages to combat natural selection. However, with the seemingly random fluctuation of difficulty from level to level, the need for these tokens is minimal. A difficult stretch can often be overcome after a few more attempts. The shining point of Feast or Famine is its handmade cave-painting art style. Its vibrant colours and soft brushwork lend depth and beauty
WILLIAM WORKMAN to the game’s look and feel. Each level has its own tone and thematic content, giving it a fresh feel despite repetitive gameplay. Combined with the game’s energetic tribal beats and the rich array of environmental sounds that make up the soundtrack, Feast or Famine provides a compelling audiovisual world in which to hunt. Competing in the mobile game market is tough, but Feast or Famine has been able to distinguish itself with its great style. Unfortunately,
6 BUSINESS & TECH • MARTLET March 7, 2013
it doesn’t seem to have any other real hooks when it comes to gameplay. Its combination of platforming and spear-chucking mechanics are somewhat novel compared to other running games, and the thematic context adds character, but there just isn’t enough depth or variety to separate it from other games of its ilk, such as Canabalt or Jetpack Joyride. Feast or Famine’s developer, X4 Games, is still new, and the company’s energy seems to be
focused on fleshing out this goofy stone-aged world with the promise of more levels and themes to come. Criticism aside, with over 40 levels and more coming, Feast or Famine provides hours of gameplay for only a buck, meaning even those who want to just give it a try will not feel cheated. To check it out, head to the App Store where Feast or Famine is available for your iPhone and iPad mobile devices. �
The four parts of planning your financial future > MICHAEL HEMMINGS Life is not a smooth cruise on Saskatchewan highways; it is a rocky mountain road full of curves, bumps and bruises. No one can predict what will happen or where we will end up. The best we can do is plan, knowing that a plan must be flexible enough to meet the reality of the unknown road ahead. Often ignored or forgotten until late in life, financial planning is critical to a well-prepared life. There are at least four essential aspects of a plan to consider. Note that these four pieces of a good financial plan are developed over time. That is why we call it a plan and not an accomplished fact. Also note that these four pieces usually are created simultaneously or overlap with one another.
CREATE A RESERVE This first element of a proper financial plan enables you to be ready for both opportunities and emergencies. Emergencies can be anything from having to return home for a family crisis to replacing a water tank in the home. However, a reserve can also be used for opportunities.
These can be everything from a last-minute trip with friends to to charitable giving to the chance to invest money in a business you love and think will do well (vetted by good advice). If you have a reserve, you will not have to pay for such things through high-interest credit cards.
MAKE SHORT- TO MID-TERM GOALS The second element of a good financial plan is what we could call short- to mid-term goals. These might be buying a house, a condo or a cottage. They might include having and raising children and helping their future income needs by investing in a Registered Education Savings Plan (RESP) or a form of insurance that creates a cash value that can grow exponentially over time. Monies in this pot might also be used for activities such as travelling before career(s) and family responsibility curtail such activities. Midterm goals can also include beginning to build the proverbial nest egg for one’s retirement. The sooner you start, no matter how small the contributions, the faster and longer you have for your nest egg to grow.
MAKE LONG-TERM GOALS
Longer-term goals include planning for retirement and retiring with a reasonable level of comfort. Do you want to be as independent in retirement as you are now? What do you want to happen to your estate (all the assets you have at the end of your life)? Do you want to be entirely dependent upon government programs for your retirement? Bear in mind that, in 2012, the average monthly Canadian Pension Plan (CPP) payment retirees received was $528.49 (with a maximum of $1 012.50 per month), and the average Old Age Security payment was $514.56 (with a maximum of $546.07 per month). Seniors whose monies are below a particular threshold might be eligible for a further two benefits, for a total of about $800. Imagine living on between $1 043.05 to $1 844 per month in 2012. This may not seem inconceivable if you are a student living on a tight budget, but imagine if you had to make payments on a house, faced expensive health problems and still had children to assist.
INVEST IN INCOME AND ASSET PROTECTION The fourth piece of a co-ordinated, proper plan is income and asset protection. Usually called in-
surance, it includes life, disability, critical illness and, increasingly, long-term care insurance. If you are lucky enough to end up working for a company that has good group benefits, then those benefits will mitigate some of the concern over having one of these life events happen to you, but only by a small margin. That this element is one of the key pieces of financial planning can be demonstrated by asking one question and pointing out one or two statistics. Who would pay the bills if you were disabled or became critically ill? According to the Manulife Financial survey — conducted by Research House in March 2011 — one in three people are injured for 90 days or more before the age of 65, and the average time one has to take off work due to illness or disability is 10 weeks. The risk of dying, getting a critical illness or becoming disabled before that age is a 50 per cent chance for 30-year-old non-smoking females and a 51 per cent chance for 30-year-old non-smoking males (the risk of dying is the lowest by far of the three). These four elements of a proper financial plan are critical to life success. The earlier you start planning, the better off you will likely be. �
‘They’re going after people as young as seven years old’ Victoria Police sergeant hosts online information safety workshop at UVic > TIA LOW We may have a lot more to worry about than our Facebook privacy settings. Victoria Police Staff Sergeant Darren Laur says there are a variety of safety and security threats found online and that we need to learn how to protect ourselves from them. In a presentation called “Managing Your Online Identity” for UVic’s Alumni Week on Feb. 4, the sergeant gave a talk with his son Brandon on how people can safeguard their reputation, personal information and identity on the Internet. “The most important part of online security is [critically] thinking online,” says the younger Laur, a UVic psychology student. Some very public political scandals in the past few years are a clear indication that some individuals have not done this (think 2012’s Petraeus scandal, which caused CIA director David Petraeus to resign). Anyone who uses social media has a “digital dossier” representing who they are online, says the elder Laur. Everything on the Internet stays on the Internet. “That digital dossier is becoming very searchable . . . It only takes one incident to cause a reputation to explode,” he says of the social, professional, academic and legal consequences. Reputations aside, he says young adults especially don’t understand why it’s important to protect personal information on social networks like Facebook. “When I talk to young adults, I hear a lot of [them] say, ‘Why would anybody want to steal my identity? I’m worth nothing. I don’t have a bank
account. I don’t have a job.’ No, but you all have what the criminal calls ‘virgin credit,’ ” he says. Virgin credit describes, according to the elder Laur, the non-existent credit history of young people. He says criminals apply for credit cards using these people’s information. It’s not until the young individuals apply for student loans one day, for example, that they find out their personal credit has been compromised. “Your personal information is the currency of the underground economy right now,” he warns. “They’re going after people as young as seven years old.” Online activity can also threaten physical safety and cause psychological harm — a fact that recently rose to the spotlight when B.C. cyberbullying victim Amanda Todd committed suicide last year. The elder Laur says that, over the past two years, he has saved 37 young cyberbullying victims from committing suicide through what he calls “social engineering,” which involves a nontechnical kind of online intrusion (called “creeping,” for those familiar with the colloquial term) that relies heavily on human interaction through social media, texting and other means. This sort of social engineering is often used by criminals; the elder Laur says he uses it for good. The presentation also covered malware, such as computer viruses, spyware, Trojan horses and other malicious software, that invades your computer. By infecting your computer, cyber criminals can take control of your computer and track every keyboard stroke you make. “They’re generally run by you accepting it,” says the younger Laur of malware distributed
Brandon Laur (l) and his father, Darren Laur (r), specialize in online identity safety and say that students with "virgin credit" are often targeted by criminals. through unsafe links and emails. The Laurs suggest covering up your webcam when you are not using it because criminals can use Remote Access Trojans to spy on you through it and then use the captured footage as blackmail. It seems to be a more common practice for PC users to download antivirus software, but the elder Laur says Mac users need to take precautions, too. “It costs a bit of money, but you get the protection,” he says.
This is not limited to computers; smartphones can be infected, particularly if you have an Android phone, he says. He suggests everyone, but especially Android users, should download protection software from bullguard.com or mylookout.com. Some smartphone apps also can’t be trusted. The younger Laur says not to download any app that has been out for less than six months. Six months should be enough time for developers to fix any security breaches. �
March 7, 2013 MARTLET • BUSINESS & TECH 7
Dining etiquette: impress at formal gatherings UVic Alumni Week showcases in-house etiquette expert Terry Cockerline > ANDREA ANTHONY Dining etiquette may seem irrelevant in the student world of pizza dinners in front of the TV, but not knowing the rules of proper etiquette could cost you your next job. As part of Alumni Week in February, UVic held a dining etiquette course. Alumni and current UVic students were taught the dos and don’ts of how to behave at a business dinner — or at least dinner with your future in-laws. Terry Cockerline, director of alumni relations at UVic, hosted the event. Cockerline was introduced to dining etiquette when he worked in the Ontario wine industry as a senior sales representative. Cockerline began giving dining etiquette presentations at universities in Southern Ontario. “I’m just a messenger,” he says. “I don’t make this stuff up.” Knowing how to behave in dinner situations can be crucial for your image and your future. “Dining etiquette is a visual sign of our professional manners,” says Cockerline. “What you do at the table is a representation of who you are going to be as an employee.” Here is a brief summary of what Cockerline covered in his presentation:
THE NAPKIN Once all guests are seated at the table, take your napkin, fold its top third down and drape it across your lap, with the fold facing down, close to your waist. To wipe your mouth with the napkin, pick it up, flip the folded part away from you, wipe your mouth, flip it back and place it back on your lap. The most important thing to remember about the napkin is to never put it back on the table. If you have to leave the table, place the napkin on the seat of your chair.
However, leaving the table during dinner should be avoided at all costs, says Cockerline, and is considered a serious offence.
THE UTENSILS “Keep the utensils in the same order they appear on the table,” Cockerline says. The salad fork is on the far left, then the dinner fork. The soup spoon is on the far right, followed by the dinner spoon and the dinner knife. When there are multiple utensils, work from the outside in. To hold your cutlery properly, keep your palms flat and put the utensils diagonally across your palms so they’re resting on your index fingers, then flip your hands over. This ensures that the fork tines are pointing down; to do otherwise, Cockerline says, is a sign of hostility — an impression you do not want to give off when applying for a new job. There are two styles of eating: American and Continental. While both are acceptable, you must not switch between styles during the meal. American-style: Hold the fork in your left hand, tines pointing down, and the knife in your right hand. Cut one bite then rest the knife diagonally on the top right of your plate. Switch the fork to your right hand and eat. This style requires switching hands many times, as Cockerline says it is not proper to cut more than one bite at a time. In American-style resting position, place the fork and knife on either side of the plate, fork tines down. Continental-style: Holding the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right, cut one bite of food and eat with the fork tines pointing down the entire time. This style requires no switching of hands; both utensils remain in your hands. In resting position, place the fork on an angle in the top left-hand corner, tines down and the
knife on an angle in the top right-hand corner. For both styles, to indicate you are finished eating, lay the fork and knife diagonally on the right-hand side of the plate, fork tines down, pointing toward the centre of the plate.
In order to save you from the embarrassment of taking your boss’s bread plate instead of your own, Cockerline demonstrated a useful trick. Hold your hands in front of you under the table and make okay signs with your thumbs and index fingers touching. Your left hand will form the letter b and your right hand the letter d indicating that your bread plate is on the left, and your drink is on the right. No matter how much you want the bread, resist the temptation to be the first to reach for it. If you do pick up the bread basket first, you must pass it around to your left without taking one for yourself first. “The trick is to outwait the person on your right,” says Cockerline.
For the dessert, Cockerline gives three options of eating: with the dessert spoon, the dessert fork or both. When using both, the fork stays in your left hand, and the spoon acts as a knife, in your right hand. Cut the dessert with the spoon and pick it up with the fork. Cockerline says that the most important principle of etiquette is to be conscious and alert of what you’re doing. So the next time you go out with your friends, practise a few of these tips; they just might come in handy when trying to land your dream job one day. �
THE SOUP “Soup is a one-handed journey,” says Cockerline. “At no time should you touch your bowl.” Scoop only the cooler top layer of soup (no blowing allowed) away from you, and bring the soup to your mouth using your right hand. “The trick is to not fill your spoon,” Cockerline says. The last thing you want to do is to spill hot soup all over yourself.
THE SALAD Salads are meant to be eaten entirely with a fork. However, if your host uses their knife with the salad, then you may as well.
When the entrée is served, you are allowed to touch the plate once, says Cockerline. “You can turn it or adjust it, but you have one shot to get it right.”
TOP FIVE DINING MISTAKES 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Talking with food in your mouth Not giving your dining guests your full attention Consuming too much alcohol Discussing inappropriate topics (politics, religion and controversial issues) Eating from the wrong plate
BASIC TABLE MANNERS: ORDERING • • • • •
When in doubt, follow the host Don’t order the most expensive item on the menu Avoid finger foods or foods that are difficult to eat In general, don’t order alcohol at a business meal Declare food allergies to the server as early as possible
IMMIGRATE TO CANADA PERMANENTLY. The Canadian Experience Class program offers foreign graduates with Canadian work experience the opportunity to apply and stay in Canada permanently. Visit immigration.gc.ca/cec for more details and see if you’re eligible.
IMMIGREZ EN PERMANENCE AU CANADA. Le programme de la catégorie de l’expérience canadienne offre aux diplômés étrangers ayant une expérience de travail au Canada la possibilité de faire une demande en vue d’habiter en permanence au Canada. Visitez le site immigration.gc.ca/cec pour en savoir plus et pour voir si vous êtes admissible.
8 BUSINESS & TECH • MARTLET March 7, 2013
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Goldcorp’s Midas touch turns UVic into accomplice
> MARK WORTHING
Parking panic at UVic Ah, parking. Few other topics have the power to incite such furor on campus as the debate over transportation termini. From Malahat commuters to UVic’s closest neighbours, nobody seems to agree on the best plan for handling the university’s traffic, and the controversial plan for the university’s new Centre for Athletics, Recreation and Special Abilities (CARSA) is the latest battleground. The parking lot on which CARSA will be built was recently closed in preparation for construction, sending many drivers into a tizzy. UVic first got engaged with the Saanich municipality about CARSA in 2009 when it was preparing to apply for variances on building height limits and parking requirements. Saanich bylaws require one motor vehicle space for each 50 square metres of building, and given that the building is being constructed on top of an existing parking lot (due to UVic’s efficient land use strategy) while also adding more building space, the university will be even shorter on parking than before. Yes, CARSA will include a 332-stall parkade — but that’s 256 fewer parking spots than the bylaw requirements. The first response for many is to point to the bus system and other transportation options. CARSA alone features parking for 170 bicycles, and the university is a prominent transit hub with 11 bus routes coming through. UVic has leaned on these other options as justifications for the parking famine, and has had support from groups like the Cadboro Bay Residents’ Association (CBRA). “. . . We would like [UVic] to continue to encourage people to get to campus by means other than by car — so by bike, walking or transit,” UVic-CBRA liason Barbara Raponi told the Martlet in October. It’s all well and good to support alternate methods of transport, and the spirit is well received here at UVic, the land of green grass and healthy trees (bunnies no longer included). But for many of us, it’s just not that simple. Sometimes a car can be absolutely necessary for those trying to balance work, school and whatever else. And not everyone lives just a stone’s throw away; for those who have to commute an hour or more each day to campus, parking is a serious problem. By the time you get here, the last thing you want to worry about is finding a place to put your vehicle — but with the recent lot closure, on top of the already sparse spaces, you can easily find yourself driving around full lots, all around campus. Let’s not forget about all that dough you have to fork out every year for a parking pass, which doesn’t guarantee you a spot, either — only more frustration when you have to do the parking lot circuit a third time. Perhaps it’s time for UVic to consider a parking pass cost based on home proximity. That way, those who drive to school when they could walk, bike or bus will have to think twice, and those who really have no other option will not be penalized daily by the lack of parking. In the meantime, start a carpool and make some new friends. If you’re 10 minutes from campus and capable of walking, do it. Otherwise, you are imposing a big cost on your fellow students and professors whenever you drive. It’s time to decide whether or not your car-enabled lunchtime dash to get pho is worth the real expense. �
VOLUME 65 • ISSUE 26
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Goldcorp’s donation of half a million dollars to UVic’s Peter B. Gustavson School of Business, which UVic says will foster “social and sustainable innovation,” should do more than raise your hackles. It should send your ironyspidey senses off the radar. Vancouver-based Goldcorp has 14 000 employees worldwide and 20 mine projects (former, operational or in development): five in Canada, three in the U.S., five in Mexico, two in Argentina, one in Chile, one in the Dominican Republic, two in Guatemala and one in Honduras. And it is the Central American mines — where billions are being spent to scour earth for gold, silver and nickel — that have embroiled Goldcorp in a trial by the People’s Health Tribunal, violence, calls for permit suspensions and United Nations interventions. In particular, Goldcorp’s Marlin Mine in San Miguel Ixtahuacán and Sipacapa municipalities of Guatemala has been a glaring example of why Canadians are getting a bad reputation in Latin America. The United Nations International Labour Organization (ILO) has called for a complete suspension of the mine’s operations with no renewal. Indigenous Mayan communities in Sipacapa had filed complaints with the Office of Compliance Advisor/Ombudsman (CAO), which reports to the World Bank Group, saying that the mine was developed without adequate consultation and claiming that it violated their rights as indigenous peoples. Chuck Jeannes, Goldcorp president and chief executive officer, was recently quoted in the Times Colonist saying, “Goldcorp is committed to making a positive difference in the communities where we are located.” With reports of five workers being shot with rubber ammunition by Goldcorp security forces one month ago in Guatemala, I wonder what type of a difference Jeannes feels Goldcorp is making in that community? Saul Klein, dean and Lansdowne professor of International Business at the Gustavson School of Business, told the Martlet in an email, “The Centre for Social and Sustainable Innovation (CSSI) ensures that sustainability and the progress of social responsibility permeate everything that we do at Gustavson. Goldcorp’s funding will help CSSI support even more scholarship and action. The donation will strengthen and expand Gustavson’s capacity for research into issues integral to sustainable and socially responsible business practices.” In contrast, Tamara Herman, a B.C.-based community organizer who has been working on mining-related issues for several years, explained in an email, “Goldcorp may seem
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like an ideal corporate donor in Canada, but the company has been accused of serious human and environmental rights violations in Latin America. Communities living beside Goldcorp’s Marlin Mine in Guatemala have reported human health problems and water pollution while actively opposing the loss of their homes, the destruction of their traditional territories and infringements on their land rights. In Chile last year, the Supreme Court rendered the environmental assessment for Goldcorp’s El Morro mine null because of its failure to consult local indigenous and peasant communities whose lands would be lost.” There are some extremely important unanswered questions that need to be addressed before UVic decides to aid and abet the reputation of such a controversial corporation. “As a former UVic student, I would ask some critical questions about why this particular corporation is donating $500 000 to the business school. I would also ask what message UVic’s acceptance of the donation sends to the global community,” wrote Herman. Nedjo Rogers, a member of the Mining Justice Action Committee who recently returned from working with communities in Ecuador impacted by Canadian mining projects, echoed Herman’s concerns about UVic’s reputation. “This sort of corporate relationship casts doubt on UVic’s status as a centre of independent and critical thought,” he wrote. Seb Bonet, research co-ordinator of the Vancouver Island Public Research Group (VIPIRG) asked, “If the UVic faculty of business is so interested in sustainability, why is it helping to launder Goldcorp’s reputation? UVic wants us to look at its shiny new clothes, but when you go to the back of the store, it’s the same old story: its corporate product is soaked in the blood and suffering of [indigenous communities].” The UVic community isn’t the first to have students resisting the funding from Goldcorp. What kind of compromise is being made for funding at our universities? “When we found out that [Simon Fraser University] sold the naming rights for SFU Vancouver to Goldcorp for $10 million, we were concerned that SFU was helping Goldcorp ‘charitywash’ their image,” said Myka Abramson, who was heavily involved with the SFU Against Goldcorp and Gentrification working group in Burnaby and Vancouver. UVic can do better than bolstering the reputation of a textbook example of an unethical, exploitative and controversial corporation. The $500 000 would be nice, but perhaps fostering social and sustainable innovation is something tainted money can’t buy. It’s not worth the compromise. �
Want to help with the Editorial? Editorial topics are decided on by staff at our weekly editorial meetings. These meetings take place at 11 a.m. every Wednesday in the Martlet office (SUB B011). Editorials are written by one or more staff members and are not necessarily the opinion of all staff members. Happy? Sad? Enraged? Tell us: firstname.lastname@example.org The Martlet has an open letters policy and will endeavour to print letters received from the university and local community. Letters must be submitted by email, include your real name and affiliation to UVic, and have “Letter to the editor” in the subject line. Letters must be under 200 words and may be edited. Letters must be sent by the Friday before publication in order to be considered for publication. The Martlet Publishing Society is an incorporated B.C. society and a full member of Canadian University Press (CUP). We strive to act as an agent of constructive social change and will not print racist, sexist, homophobic or otherwise oppressive copy. Cover Photo • Hugo Wong Martlet (SUB B011) P.O. BOX 3035 University of Victoria Victoria, B.C. V8W 3P3
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LETTERS GOLDCORP DONATION TO UVIC A CRUEL IRONY
Rethinking the game of drones Unmanned Aerial Vehicles are more than killing machines > ARIANNA KLUS Every so often, a technology comes along that changes the rules of the game. This is true of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs), or what has become a pejorative term for many people: drones. In war, technology tends to lose its redeeming qualities. Tools becoming weapons is the message endemic in the media, making it easy for the public to get lost in the well-publicized uses and misuses of drones. But not all UAVs kill, and those that do kill often do so with minimal collateral damage. Winning over hearts and minds begins with a reconceptualization of drone potential and application. In combat scenarios, drones have advantages over manned aircraft. They are costeffective, able to remain airborne longer and dramatically shrink the window between the identification and elimination of a target. Drones can fly over hostile regions without exposing personnel to the risk of injury, capture or death. Those benefits aside, the controversy that drones kill civilians still looms. But collateral damage caused by drone strikes may be far less than what is played up in conventional media. In his Feb. 19 Slate article, In Defense of Drones, William Saletan says drones’ hi-
tech payloads are actually saving lives, with Afghan civilian casualties having decreased by 46 per cent in 2012 compared to 2011. Drones favour guided missiles over the bombs typical of manned aircraft. As drone strikes have increased and manned strikes have decreased, there have been a far greater number of lives saved from the threat of manned strikes than lives taken by drones. The percentage of civilian casualties in drone-related combat actions by the United States is shockingly low, even when compared to events as recent as Kosovo or the Persian Gulf War. Saletan writes, “Drones are like laparoscopic surgery: they minimize the entry wound and the risk of infection,” since those heat-of-themoment decisions by pilots are taken out of the equation. But combat is only one aspect of drone application. UAVs have the potential to enrich many areas of human interaction with each other and the environment. UAVs can noninvasively monitor animal behaviours and migrations or map and record environmental events such as oil spills, floods, volcanic activity or soil erosion. They have tremendous search and rescue capability, from monitoring fires to searching for lost hikers and skiers. Drones can also track and record social and political movements. Hacktivists can now go
online and build a drone kit. They can capture police brutality or agents provocateurs, reinforcing the empowerment of individuals and small groups. In humanitarian crises, UAVs can also provide communication links to areas with little to no service. The Sentinel Project for Genocide Prevention has already proposed the use of UAVs to track rebel and paramilitary forces’ movements as part of a warning system for at-risk communities prone to ethnic rivalry. Lastly, UAVs have strong potential for foreign and domestic security applications, from surveillance of narcotrade, warlords and human trafficking to patrolling larger territories to aid in border security. And just as UAVs can protect protestors from police, they can likewise aid police in riot control, allowing them to identify perpetrators for later prosecution. Moore’s Law states that the number of transistors on a computer chip doubles roughly every two years, increasing the power and efficiency of our computing capabilities. With that in mind, drones’ future is promising. The scope of drone taxonomy is mind-blowing; the stuff of science fiction is now reality. We have gone from Comic-Con to Pentagon, but if we continue to see UAVs s nothing more than killing machines, then perhaps the big picture is outside our peripheral view. �
I wish to express my great disappointment that the University of Victoria has been the willing recipient of a $500 000 donation from Goldcorp Inc. to support the school’s Centre for Social and Sustainable Innovation (CSSI). Last year, Goldcorp was found guilty of contaminating the environment, damaging human health and violating rights to self-determination of mining-impacted communities in Guatemala, Honduras and Mexico. This ruling came from a panel of international judges at the International Health Tribunal. This controversial donation is particularly ironic given the CSSI mantra of “adopting sustainable and responsible approaches to business,” as reported in a UVic communications press release. It smells more like corporate green-washing within a slick corporate public relations campaign. Canadian transnational mining companies continue to operate with impunity, despite links to human rights abuses and environmental contamination, including the unlawful acquisition of indigenous territories. Last year, the federal government announced a new funding initiative for the Canadian International Institute for Extractive Industries and Development, which will be jointly operated by Simon Fraser University and UBC. Where do we draw the line in public universities to ensure that funding opportunities do not diminish morals and autonomy? Has the University of Victoria already crossed that line? Heather Tufts Community member DEMANDING ANSWERS ON MISSING AND MURDERED ABORIGINAL WOMEN Over the past several decades, a tragedy has quietly unfolded in our own backyard: disturbingly high rates of aboriginal women have gone missing or been murdered. While indigenous women and girls account for 10 per cent of all female homicides in Canada, they make up just 3 per cent of our female population. About 85 per cent of all homicides are solved by police investigations, but that “clearance rate” drops to just 50 per cent when the victim is an aboriginal woman or girl. Our indifference towards this injustice must end. That’s why the federal Liberal Party has been pushing for years for a transparent National Public Inquiry to get to the bottom of these cases. Yet each time we advanced the idea, we were rebuffed. Finally there is a breakthrough: Parliament has passed a Liberal motion with the support of all parties to create a special Parliamentary committee to look into these cases and to find ways to address the root causes of this intolerable violence. While we still firmly believe that a National Public Inquiry is needed, this is a small but important first step. It is high time to provide justice for the victims, healing for their families and an end to the violence. Carolyn Bennett, MP Liberal Party of Canada Aboriginal Affairs Critic
Why Seth MacFarlane’s Oscars bigotry should bother you > KATHERINE GOERTZ Boobs. I didn’t even watch the Oscars, and boobs were the first things I heard about. Seth MacFarlane’s “boob song” video was waiting for me on my Facebook newsfeed the day after the awards show, posted by a friend who constantly bickers with me over the representation of women in media. I was unable to resist taking the bait and immediately posted an article by The New Yorker calling MacFarlane’s performance “hostile, ugly and sexist.” One of the first responses to the article I posted was, “Damn, Seth was right about women never letting things go.” I responded sarcastically, trying to keep the debate light, but it wasn’t long before that same Facebook user reminded me how “tired [he was] of the sex card” being used. It seems widely assumed that since the feminists
10 OPINIONS • MARTLET March 7, 2013
of the 1960s and ’70s won so many rights for women, there really aren’t any women’s issues left, at least here in North America. So maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to complain. All those women in MacFarlane’s song did, after all, have the choice to bare their breasts, a choice that certainly wouldn’t have established them as respected actors before the ’60s. Then why was it so frustrating and disturbing to see films like Boys Don’t Cry, Monster, The Accused and Monster’s Ball pilfered for boobie shots by MacFarlane? Well, maybe because he made it seem like those women weren’t professionals doing their jobs, but rather objects strategically placed in the film for male gratification. In her book Sexism in America, Barbara J. Berg discusses how media has been used to “re-domesticate” women out of the professional world. She
asserts that after the Second World War, television was intentionally used to get women back into the kitchen by enforcing the image of the nuclear family and the perfect housewife. After the women’s rights movement of the ’60s, however, women didn’t want to be the perfect housewife anymore, so North American media invented a new stereotype for us to become: the sex kitten. Think about it. How many teenage girls do you know who would want to become a politician if they could become a pop star instead? Women represent only 25 per cent of the House of Commons. That makes us the 45th most equal country according to the Inter-Parliamentary Union. We fall far behind Rwanda, Andorra, Cuba and Sweden, where approximately 50 per cent of parliament members are women. Boobs matter, but not just because some guys
like looking at them. They matter because they are part of a person. Charlize Theron showed her boobs in Monster while acting out the story of an abused woman who became a serial killer. Jodie Foster and Hilary Swank’s breasts are bared in The Accused and Boys Don’t Cry (respectively) during and following rape scenes. According to MacFarlane, however, their breasts are only noteworthy because they’re “titillating.” Women are still underrepresented in powerful positions here in Canada, and accepting jokes like MacFarlane’s boob song only perpetuates the imbalance of power and the stereotype that women are only good for their looks. As long as women are told to stop “pulling the sex card” and just accept their role as sex kittens, they are being just as restricted by media as a 1950s housewife. �
feature Vancouver Island contains some of the world’s most spectacular old-growth temperate rainforests, where trees have trunks as wide as living rooms and grow as tall as skyscrapers. Sadly, 75 per cent of the Island’s productive old-growth forests have been logged, including 90 per cent of the valley bottoms, where the biggest trees grow and richest biodiversity resides. The forests support endangered species, tourism, clean water and many First Nations cultures. We need to protect our last endangered old-growth forests, shift to sustainable, value-added second-growth forestry instead and end the export of raw logs. Healthy forests, healthy communities and a healthy future — let’s make it happen! FIRST PLACE Last Stands Gordon River Valley, southern Vancouver Island, B.C. by TJ Watt
What’s wrong with this picture? The winning photos from the Martlet’s solutions-oriented photo contest > HUGO WONG AND GEOFF LINE, MARTLET EDITORS AND CONTEST JUDGES The Martlet’s “What’s wrong with this picture?” photo contest dealt with big issues relating to our environment and society. Summing such issues up in one photo is not an easy task, however picturesque our region may be. When selecting a winner, we looked for images that presented something new and were not voyeuristic, especially when it came to the sensitive issue of downtown homelessness. The winning image, by TJ Watt, makes a concise statement on deforestation in B.C. The lone person provides a much-needed sense of scale. The clouds and the fog add to the overall gloominess; the lines in the stump and the mountains lead the viewer naturally through the important parts of the frame.
Our runner-up, Jackie Björnert, captured an unusual scene. The crushed cars atop a barge, coupled with the ominous claw in the background, are juxtaposed with the undisturbed water surface; a reminder that though Victoria may be known for its closeness to and respect of the natural environment, it produces waste like any city, and needs to invest in more sustainable means of transportation. Louis Bockner’s honourable mention photo employs similar techniques. Through contrast of fore and background, the photograph tastefully registers the marginalization of downtown’s homeless people. The Martlet is pleased to showcase the work of these photographers and thanks all who submitted to this year’s photo feature contest. �
Across from Jutland Road, cars are disposed of at an alarming rate. An effective transportation system in Victoria such as light rail would reduce reliance on vehicles in the city. Light rail systems have proven to be environmentally friendly transportation solutions in Vancouver, Chicago and elsewhere. They are also safe, efficient, capable of transporting commuters in high capacity and affordable. Victoria’s current bus system is certainly utilized, but we’re still too dependent on cars. The city would benefit from a light rail system.
Victoria’s homelessness issue is complicated, and driving homeless people out of the downtown core by building new condos is not going to help. I believe that all people should be treated as human beings, and therefore, we need to take on this issue from a place of love and understanding rather than viewing it as an issue that simply needs to be dealt with.
SECOND PLACE Crushed and tippy Near Jutland Road, Victoria, B.C. by Jackie Björnert
THIRD PLACE Juxtaposition Pandora Avenue, Victoria, B.C. by Louis Bockner
11 FEATURE • MARTLET March 7, 2013
Are you planning on attending IdeaFest? Want to write about it? Or take photos of your favourite events? Or shoot a video? Email email@example.com.
Free festival showcases big ideas from UVic > VANESSA HAWK It’s not often that students have open access to UVic research in a free festival format. IdeaFest is bringing together 50 events — lectures, exhibits and workshops — from all faculties on campus to share big ideas with students, faculty members and the public from March 4–15. “We had a really great response last year,” says Melanie Tromp Hoover, IdeaFest organizer and communications co-ordinator for UVic’s Vice-President Research (VPR). “The motivation always was to be very big and very public and have IdeaFest be a huge invitation for anyone around Victoria to come to campus and explore the research and the big questions that UVic researchers are working on.” IdeaFest is in its second year and has grown significantly since it ran as a pilot project in 2012. This year’s festival runs twice as long as the inaugural festival and features almost twice the number of events.
12 CULTURE • MARTLET March 7, 2013
The office of the VPR puts on the festival and follows the university’s annual strategic plan, which encourages its researchers to share their work and ideas with faculty, students and the public. IdeaFest achieves this by “celebrating and recognizing excellence in research and finding ways to provide platforms for researchers to talk about what they’re working on, exploring the big ideas that they’re creating and cultivating it in a really accessible way,” says Tromp Hoover. The events are wide-ranging: from panel discussions on environmental concerns to exhibits on biomedical research, and from workshops on Idle No More to a Games without Frontiers symposium about “gamification” — the use of technology and games to conduct and communicate research. While the events feature professors and esteemed members of UVic’s research community, IdeaFest also accepted submissions from student researchers. At least half a dozen events are
hosted by students; one such event is an art and film exhibit on the modern zombie. IdeaFest will also offer four signature events put on by the VPR office. The first is “Building an Innovative Nation: The role of universities in strengthening Canada’s future” on March 8. “There’s quite a strong focus in the country right now about making Canada more inventive and how universities can feed into the worlds of innovation,” says Tromp Hoover, explaining that the way to do that is through partnership between government, industry, community-based organizations and universities. The second VPR-hosted event, taking place March 11, asks, “Is there still potential for human creativity?”, while the third keynote event features a panel discussion surrounding a hot topic for the upcoming provincial election, “Does our health-care system need fixing?” on March 12. The fourth event, on March 14, asks, “How does B.C. reconcile resource extraction with
environmental and economic concerns?” Panellists will include Tom Pedersen, the director of the Pacific Institute for Climate Solutions, Victoria MP Murray Rankin and UVic experts on economics, environmental studies and aboriginal issues. The department of social sciences is also offering an ongoing tour of 21 labs and research stations, where participants can collect stamps in a downloadable passport and enter to win $100 to spend at the UVic bookstore. The Centre for Addictions Research of B.C. is also holding an open house that spans the full two weeks and looks at UVic research related to substance abuse. “I hope there truly is something for everyone,” says Tromp Hoover. “I think we’ve covered a really wide range — and it’s still a tiny snapshot of the breadth of what’s really going on on campus — but I think we’ve got a great range of interesting topics.” For more info, visit uvic.ca/ideafest. �
Changing of the guard An introduction to screech > TYLER LAING
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bcit.ca/buildingscience THE UNIVERSITY OF VICTORIA’S INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER
It’s your career. Get it right.
It wasn’t so long ago that I bore witness to — and maybe a little responsibility for — my underage cousins doing a bit of underage drinking. Zach was 17, Jake was 15 and I was 23, visiting them in Ontario. Living in B.C., I didn’t get to see them often, so when they suggested having a couple of beers one evening, I couldn’t say no. I didn’t want to be that lame older cousin who wasn’t on side. At the end of the night, Jake made it in the door and past our Nana, my aunt and my dad without being found out; but when the sickness took him shortly after he went to bed, there was no hiding what we’d done. I received a hand-written letter from my Nana — who does not drink — a couple of months later assuring me that even though I’d shown poor, poor judgment, she still loved me. Fast-forward five-and-a-half years to January 2013. I’m back in Ontario for the first time since that disgraceful evening. My cousins are now 23 and 21. I’m sitting around the kitchen table at their house with my aunt and uncle, my dad and my Nana. We’re playing dice. A couple of times throughout the evening, my uncle offers me a beer, but I decline. My uncle tells me that if I’d rather have a cocktail, I should talk to Jake. Turns out my young cousin has been experimenting with whiskies and rums. My uncle refers to Jake’s activity as “working on the screech.” Screech: that mythical moonshine-like rum from the East Coast. When I hear that word, I imagine grizzled old fishermen stilling near200-proof swill in damp basements with poor lighting. It makes me think of rum-runners stowing barrels of the stuff in underground tunnels during Prohibition. It makes me think of pirates. I take my uncle’s comment to mean Jake is sampling cheap liquor, but when Jake sits down and takes a sip of his beverage, my uncle refers to screech as “barrel wash.” “Wait, that’s actually screech?” I ask. “You mean, you can buy it here? Legally?” Jake goes back into the kitchen, comes back and thunks a bottle down in front of me. The modest white label, depicting a sketch of a fishing hamlet, reads Newfoundland Screech Rum. The myth I’d built up immediately dies — so much for XXX-etched barrels tucked in dark corners. But before my disappointment gets the best of me, Jake pours a couple of ounces into a rocks glass and slides it over. I’m surprised by the initial sweetness of the rum. Thin molasses comes to mind. We keep playing dice. The rum warms me with a surprisingly smooth finish, but I pass on Jake’s offer for a second. He may be legally allowed to drink now, but this is the first time I’ve been with the family since “the night,” and getting screeched with Jake just doesn’t feel right. Jake suggests I purchase a bottle when I get home. He’s sure it’s available at our government liquor store, and he’s right — 1.14 litres of the stuff for $36.29. As I watched his 15-year-old body heave over a toilet back in 2007, I never would have thought he’d be introducing me to booze the next time I saw him — especially not in the presence of Nana. Oh, how times change. �
March 7, 2013 MARTLET • CULTURE 13 1 ad name: Building Science Masters 2 Media: UVIC Martlet (Campus Plus)
> JENN TAKAOKA Portraits (Unsigned) Brett Wildeman Brett Wildeman hails from the Sunshine Coast, where he recorded his second EP, Portraits, in March 2012. The five-song track list takes you on a relaxing journey through the sounds of the West Coast, from raw acoustics to the ocean lulling behind his chords. It’s an album worth checking out. You can hear him perform live in Victoria on March 9, too. The album begins with the clapping beat of “Midnight Snack.” I was drawn in by the happy tempo paired with simple strumming. The touch of electric guitar that echoes in the background adds just the right amount of depth. Wildeman’s raspy voice leads the verses through this light-hearted tune. On the chorus, his voice blends with clean, sweetsounding female vocals. Just lovely. The next track, “October 25th,” begins with the same blend of voices, though much more subtly. The slower tempo is more vocally driven, but it picks up with a light drum rhythm toward the end of the song. “One Year Pass” starts off calm then picks up a folky drive with light drums, strings and a touch of electric guitar that got me in a dancey mood. The upbeat fiddle solo makes a nice segue back into the original tempo,
bookending the song. “Old Woman’s Mind” recalls the calm start of the previous song but carries a subtle drum rhythm. Fiddle-plucking caught my ear in the second verse. The vocals on this track are thicker, including more female voices to balance Wildeman’s strong rasp. The final track, “Roosters on Red,” begins with the wave-washing sound of a peaceful ocean shoreline and a simple guitar melody that feels like a lullaby. It flows into the chorus, which sounds like a second movement. The guitar is reminiscent of a harp, and intertwining vocal harmonies chant, “Home.” The last chorus segues back into the ocean sounds for the final minutes of the album. It’s the perfect ending to a journey through the coastal soundscape of Wildeman’s home. This album is great if you’re looking to wind down after a busy day. It’s relaxing and has just enough drive to keep your ears happy while the acoustics keep the mood mellow. The strings add a folky feel to the songs, and the female vocals compliment Wildeman’s one-of-a-kind voice. The lyrics explore memories and history, painting a portrait of West Coast sound and story. � BRETT WILDEMAN AND WEST MY FRIEND March 9 @ 7:30 p.m. Solstice Café (529 Pandora Ave.) $10
we’re hiring! martlet.ca/jobs THE UNIVERSITY OF VICTORIA’S INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER
14 CULTURE • MARTLET March 7, 2013
For The week oF MArCh 4, 2013
Portraits paints a picture of a place, not a person
CFUV Top Ten
1. TY SEGALL & MIKAL CRONIN Reverse Shark Attack (In The Red) 2. BONEHOOF + Bonehoof (Self-Released) 3. PILLOWFIGHT Pillowfight (Bulk) 4. SALLIE FORD & THE SOUND OUTSIDE Untamed Beast (Partisan) 5. DATA ROMANCE + Other (Dine Alone) 6. DJ SUN One Hundred (Soular) 7. LEE HARVEY OSMOND * The Folk Sinner (Latent) 8. MID PINES * Corpse Pose (Circuit Song) 9. SPOKE & MIRROR * The Music is the Message (Self-Released) 10. DJ NU-MARK Broken Sunlight (Hot Plate)
101.9 FM c f u v. u v i c . c a CFUV is an award winning campus/ community radio station based at the University of Victoria. For more information about CFUV (including volunteering info, our program schedule, complete charts and much more) please visit us at: www.cfuv.uvic.ca twitter.com/cfuv
Hear the weekly top ten on Charts and Graphs
* Canadian artist
+ local artist
Mondays 2-3PM on CFUV 101.9FM or online!
visit martlet.ca IT'S ON THE INTERNET.
EATS, CHEWS AND LEAVES
FERNWOOD INN 1302 GLADSTONE AVE. (250) 412-2001 CALL FOR RESERVATIONS
TUESDAY – SATURDAY: 11:30 A.M. – MIDNIGHT SUNDAY & MONDAY: 11:30 A.M. – 10 P.M. t @THEFERNWOODINN
R RRRR RRR
Fernwood Inn: do it for the food > KAITLYN ROSENBURG I’ve noticed that everybody in my life (friends, roommates, co-workers and Internet acquaintances) loves to discuss restaurants with me. It’s great, except when it’s not. Allow me to explain: I’m extremely impressionable, so if a
fellow eater has had a bad dining experience, I believe I’ll also have one. This happened at the Fernwood Inn. Before I divulge how one person’s negative impression became my own, I’ll mention two things. The food stood out as a bright spot, and I noted a large stack of Martlets available
for news-famished diners. I’d been warned about poor service at the Inn, and sadly, my informant proved correct. I’ve analyzed (and over-analyzed) my experience, and yes, the service was poor — it wasn’t just my friend’s opinion informing that assessment.
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As it was a hectic Friday night, I decided to take it easy on my service ranking. Even so, I became increasingly fed up with our server. Once he realized our table wouldn’t be ordering beverages of the alcoholic variety (sometimes going for dinner means just dinner), his tableside appearances drastically dropped off. Water glasses always needed refilling, and when our order arrived, no one could eat — cutlery hadn’t been provided. Side plates from the appetizer remained on the table till the bill arrived. Thankfully, we enjoyed the food. Sharing nachos ($16.75) seemed like a good idea, but we all overate (forgetting meals were still on the way) with good reason. The chips were dusted with chili and lime and topped with roasted corn salsa, jack and smoked cheddar cheese. A great share plate for five or six TexMex-loving friends. One friend chomped down the Fernwood burger ($12.50) with fries. Even with no cheese or bacon, the bite of housemade sirloin patty I tried tasted rich, most likely due to a soft ciabatta bun and smoked paprika aioli (similar to chipotle mayo). I veered away from standard pub fare, ordering the polenta and prawn skillet ($14.50). A generous square of griddle-cooked polenta, normally bland as is, married well with sautéed chorizo, plump prawns, tomato wedges, goat cheese dollops and watercress. Polenta, made from ground cornmeal, worked surprisingly well with the peppery watercress. Large portions meant takeout boxes a-plenty for everyone at the table when we departed. My friend enjoyed the music blasting over the sound system, but I heard not one lyric of any song: boisterous room chatter masked the words. The Fernwood Inn is a pub at heart, not a quiet bistro, despite its elegant decor elements. Massive mirrors, stained glass and rich wall tones subvert the tavern experience. Despite my brush with poor service, I found the Fernwood Inn is worth it for the food. Go forth and taste it for yourself. �
March 7, 2013 MARTLET • CULTURE 15
MARCH 11–19 EVENTS CALENDAR
! S 3 E ET 2 & 1 V K 1 a S Ic RCh T Ma s 7 $ w
VE A S
DIRECTOR Fran Gebhard MusIC DIRECTOR Jim hill MOvEMEnT COaCh Jacques lemay sET DEsIGnER allan stichbury
You’re a Good Man,
From March 11–15, you can pay to have someone pied thanks to the Order of Pi fundraiser.
ARTS/ENTERTAINMENT MONDAY, MARCH 11 – SATURDAY, MARCH 15 ORDER OF PI What better way to celebrate Pi Day (March 14, or 3.14, get it?) than to throw pies in people’s faces! That’s the UVic engineering student mindset at work. Anyway, the Order of Pi, a long-standing annual fundraising event for Children’s Health Foundation of Vancouver Island and the Mustard Seed, involves sending out a group of people dressed as monks to deliver a pie in the face to various individuals for made-up crimes. If you have someone you’d like to condemn to pie-dom, give the UVic Engineering Student’s Society a ring at 250-721-8822 (or email them at esschar@ uvic.ca) and give them a name, place, time and location. Once the monks track down the unsuspecting person, a trial/ceremony is then delivered to that person pre-pieing. But be warned — if that person really doesn’t want to get pied, they can donate the amount you donated, plus an extra $5, to have the pieing put on you instead! You can reverse that, of course, with a counter-donation of whatever the other person offered, with yet another $5 extra. You can see where this is going; the end result will be messy and potentially expensive. Sounds like you’d either want to have a lot of cash on hand that week . . . or maybe just wear clothes you don’t care so much about. Donations are a $20 minimum. For more info (or to get someone pied!), call 250-721-8822 or email email@example.com. $20 minimum (to get someone pied!). WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13 – THURSDAY, MARCH 14 THE HOUSE I LIVE IN (CINECENTA) Directed by investigative journalist Eugene Jarecki, The House I Live In looks like it will be a very provocative documentary about the U.S. private prison system and how it ties in to the history of, and the issues surrounding, that country’s War on Drugs. Anyone into social justice issues really ought to check this out. This film will also feature an interesting panel discussion right after the March 13 showing, featuring members of the Centre for Addictions Research of B.C. and a member of the Canadian Drug Policy Coalition. For more info, visit cinecenta.com. Cinecenta (UVic Student Union Building), March 13, 7 p.m. / March 14, 7 p.m. & 9:10 p.m. $5.75 or $3.75 for 9 p.m. shows or later (UVSS students). SATURDAY, MARCH 16 AN IMPROVISED DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS As part of Intrepid Theatre’s YOU SHOW series, this event is exactly as the title says — an improvised Dungeons and Dragons game, complete with live, costumed characters. Here’s a fun fact: some people used to do exactly this about 30 years ago. It created a stir in the media, spawning cheesy TV movies and a ton of scared parents who thought the game would warp teenagers’ fragile minds, leading them to lurk in forests, caves and sewers with real swords and spiked armour. But the truth is, D&D was never anything more than four or five mild-mannered nerds sitting in a living room, rolling dice, casting spells, drinking pop and eating potato chips on a Saturday night (I should know; I was one of those nerds. I still am a nerd, mind you, but now I play guitar as a hobby instead). Anyway, the outcome of this show depends upon rolls of actual dice; does this mean it will end early if a series of unlucky dice rolls leads to all the
16 CULTURE • MARTLET March 7, 2013
COsTuME DEsIGnERs allysOn leet & shayna ward LIGhTInG DEsIGnER simOn FarrOw
Cha rlie B rown
characters getting killed off by a roving gang of half-orcs within five minutes? “I want my money back!” “Sorry; it’s not our fault. It was the dice!” Email firstname.lastname@example.org for more info, or call (250) 383-2663. Intrepid Studio (1609 Blanshard St.), doors at 7:30 p.m., show at 8 p.m. $12.
sTaGE ManaGER sandra draG
Based on the comic strip By charles m. schulz
BOOk, MusIC & LyRICs By CLaRk GEsnER REvIsED aDDITIOnaL DIaLOGuE By MIChaEL MayER MusIC & LyRICs By anDREw LIppa
14 - 23, 2013
pREvIEws @ 8pM - MaR. 12 & 13 | EvE @ 8pM - MOn. TO saT. | MaTInEEs @ 2pM - MaR. 16 & 23
SATURDAY, MARCH 16 RALLY FOR ANCIENT FORESTS AND B.C. JOBS Let’s face it — forestry is a big part of B.C.’s livelihood, and it has fallen on tough times. If you’re concerned about our forests, the forest industry and its practices, you’ll certainly want to be at this rally. Thousands of people from all walks of life are expected to be on hand; the theme of the rally is “Save the OldGrowth, Sustainably Log Second-Growth, and End Raw Log Exports.” The event starts at Centennial Square before proceeding down to the legislature for a series of speeches as well as other activities. Email email@example.com for more information. Centennial Square, 11:30 a.m.; legislature, 12 p.m. Free.
phOenixtheatres.ca Presented by
Piano Provided by
Henderson Park Golf Course Re-opens March 9th!
9 Holes for $3.00
TUESDAY, MARCH 19 VICTORIA NATURAL HISTORY SOCIETY BOTANY NIGHT: GROWING MEDITERRANEAN FRUITS IN THE VICTORIA AREA Have you ever read anything about the concept of food security or the logistics of our global food supply chain? If you have, you’re familiar with the idea that if there’s any kind of a disruption in that system (like rising fuel prices), then we may not always be able to access the exotic fruits we can usually so easily buy in a grocery store. Well, that may not have to be the case if we can grow stuff right here on Vancouver Island. At this presentation hosted by Bob Duncan, you’ll find out how to grow exotic fruits in our local climate. Sounds kind of fun and interesting right now, and who knows how valuable this information could prove to be someday? For more info, call (250) 479-6622 or email firstname.lastname@example.org. Swan Lake Christmas Hill Nature House (3873 Swan Lake Rd.), 7:30 p.m. Free.
Show Student ID • Get Free Club Rentals with Round of Golf Henderson Par 3 Golf Course • 2291 Cedar Hill X Road 250-370-7200 • oakbay.ca/parks-recreation Also check out the Fitness Studio at Henderson Recreation Centre $3 drop-in • 4-8pm • Friday-Sunday and at Oak Bay Recreation Centre,1975 Bee Street $3 drop-in fitness • 11pm-midnight • Monday-Friday $3 drop-in swimming • 11pm-1am • Monday-Friday
a horse walks into a bar... and tells you to write for our Humour section. Clearly we're not the funny ones.
E-mail email@example.com for more info.
CAREER THURSDAY, MARCH 14 WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH YOUR DEGREE IN . . . ARTS, CULTURE AND COMMUNICATIONS? “What can you do with your degree in . . . Arts, Culture and Communications?” That’s not just the title of this event. It’s also most likely what your parents and other family members have been asking you for the past few years if you happen to be working towards a UVic degree in . . . Arts, Culture and Communications. Anyway, what can you do with such a degree? Listen to industry experts at this seminar to find out! Hopefully it will give you a lot of useful advice and suggestions; better yet, hopefully it will help keep those nosy people in your family off your friggin’ back. Visit learninginmotion.uvic.ca to sign up. For more info, visit uvic.ca/coopandcareer/ wcydwyd. UVic Engineering/Computer Science Building (ECS), Room 124, 5:30–7 p.m. Free. �
> ALAN PIFFER
Tomorrows Business Leaders Start Here
Manage your own Business this summer. -‐
Real world business experience.
Work with some of BC’s brightest university students.
A shake by any other name Harlem Shake meme runs risk of racial insensitivity > MIA STEINBERG A few weeks ago, a friend of mine posted a message to our Facebook group: “I can’t stop watching these videos, guys.” She included a link to a 30-second YouTube clip, the contents of which are probably familiar to most readers by now: for 15 seconds, a masked person gyrates wildly around a room to an electronic dance song, while friends ignore him or her. Then, when the bass drops, the scene suddenly cuts to show everyone flailing, dancing and generally losing their minds. The video was bizarrely random and quite funny in its unexpected transition from mildly weird to outright insane. There were versions with firefighters, with frat boys and with office workers, all dancing to a song called “Harlem Shake” by a producer named Baauer. Within a week, the Harlem Shake meme had gone viral, with video contributions by everyone from Grumpy Cat to indie band Matt & Kim. With “Gangnam Style” finally laid to rest, the Harlem Shake was a quick, easy replacement dance craze. However, the meme coincided with a major development in online
legitimacy: on Feb. 20, Billboard announced that it had revamped its chart algorithms to include data from YouTube videos, and suddenly “Harlem Shake” was the #1 song in the country. It’s clear that a lot of people have found the meme very funny; the Martlet has even put together its own version of the video. However, there’s at least one segment of the populace that doesn’t find it quite so funny: many of the men and women who know the Harlem Shake in its original form. While you might not realize it from looking at the viral videos, the Harlem Shake is an actual dance; it started in the eponymous New York City borough in 1981. A Harlem resident named Al B is generally credited as its inventor. The dance style gained mainstream awareness in the early 2000s after it showed up in music videos by G. Dep and Eve. The Harlem Shake is nothing like the costumed, seizure-like movements in the meme videos; drawing from an Ethiopian dance called the Eskista, it looks very similar to popping-andlocking-style hip-hop, which uses a skilled manipulation of the shoulders and chest. The problem with the Harlem Shake meme
is that it appropriates the name of a dance move that comes from hip-hop, an important part of African-American history, and uses it for an unrelated, simplistic joke. If it had been called anything else — the Poor Frame Rate, the Baauer Shake, anything — then the meme would likely not be a problem. But it is a problem: it is the appropriation, by a (largely) white majority, of a piece of culture that stems from a historically oppressed cultural group. While the appropriation might not be intentional, it still poses a problem because it overshadows the original source, devaluing it and silencing the people who expressed themselves with it. Historically, hip-hop spoke to disenfranchised and oppressed groups and gave them a powerful voice and a creative outlet for expressing their frustrations. Dance and music are positive ways to express emotions and bond a community, and the culture of 1980s Harlem remains an important part of the local history. However, the significance of the Harlem Shake dance is lost in the noise of this new viral sensation. In an interview with AllHipHop.com, rapper G. Dep made it clear
that the new meme should be separated from the dance he helped popularize: “We gonna call it the ‘Harlem Shake Part 2.’ We can’t call it the Harlem Shake, we gotta at least call it the Harlem Shake part 2, because from what I understand they aren’t even doing the Harlem Shake.” I can’t vouch for every Harlem Shake participant, but I’d guess most of them didn’t set out to be racially insensitive. However, North America has a very long history of systematic racism, and part of that system is the assumption that the majority has the right to take the cultural milestones of other cultures and use them without permission or real understanding of context. Cultural appropriation makes the majority feel “safer,” so to speak; it robs the minority of the power inherent in cultural expression. Truly, a shake by any other name would sound much sweeter, as it would avoid reinforcing the sad fact that North America still struggles with race and culture on a very fundamental level. �
What is one beauty or fashion trend that you’d like to see go extinct in 2013?
Second year Visual Arts
Third year Greek and Roman Studies
Third year Writing
Second year Biology/Psychology
“Definitely night-out heels with casual clothing.”
“Makeup-wise, that weird, obvious line where your makeup ends on your chin or neck. Blend that shit in.”
“The fashion trend I want to see go extinct in 2013 is the mullet/hi-lo skirt. It had its moment, but it’s far past time for these bipolar hems to straighten up.”
> DOCUMENTED BY JILL KUZYK March 7, 2013 MARTLET • CULTURE 17
You've only got four more issues this publishing year to prove that you're funny by writing for Humour. It's less scary than doing a standup routine, and usually no one throws anything at you.
Sea lions speak up > GEOFFREY LINE HUMOUR — The sea lions of Race Rocks Ecological Reserve are not happy. In a letter to Victoria’s Mayor Dean Fortin — legible only to UVic’s Earth and Ocean Sciences department — Wolfie the 800-pound bull claimed that tour companies such as Prince of Whales Whale Watching and Orca Spirit Adventures are exploiting his colony. The Martlet equipped a reporter with a dry suit, snorkel, flippers and a freezer bag stuffed with calamari and sent him swimming down the Strait of Juan de Fuca to find out what the hubbub was about. WOLFIE: I watched you from this rock the whole way. Gotta say I’m amazed you made it. MARTLET � : I dog-paddled toward the end. W: Maybe I should have sent my pups to give you a lift. � : No sweat. I appreciate you giving your time. I imagine you’re busy being the alpha bull. W: I am. Tight schedule. For the next two hours, I’ve got to bark on top of this rock and slap down anyone who sets their fins too close to me. � : Sounds like a Pacific version of King of the Hill.
BETH MAY W: More like a blubbery orgy. After, I’ll take a swim, dip by that tide pool for a little lunch. Then I’ll relocate to that rock over there. Have some thinking time.
the orcas. How many of them are pulling their weight for the spectators? Nowhere near as many as we sea lions. We’re — arrff — we’re — arrff — the 99 per cent!
� : So this business with the whale tours . . .
� : Wow. I was unaware of all of this.
W: It’s self-explanatory, isn’t it? “Whale tours” — you just said it. That’s what they call themselves. It’s all about the whales. But do you know what the whale tours bank on to get views of the whales? Me and my colony lounging on these rocks. The tour boats come past us ’cause the whales circle around here like underwater vultures. We’re dinner theatre entertainment. Dying meat. The reason the tours are so successful. And we don’t even get any recognition. Nothing. We’re up against
W: Just ’cause we don’t echolocate doesn’t mean we don’t matter. I just — oh, I get so angry just thinking about it I can’t even articulate myself sometimes I just — arrff — get so emotional and — arrff. Sorry. You’re plugging your ears. I can try and stop. � : No point; all the others are barking too. W: We’re outraged is all. We could be taking the easy route. We could be sloshing around
in Fisherman’s Wharf, nomming whatever the house-boaters throw to us. Shit, I could be someplace with a little more sunshine; I’ve got a cousin down in Frisco whose only bad day is when someone doesn’t throw down a bit of burrito for him from the docks. But we’re here in the north, on this rock. � : There must be a way to raise awareness. W: Don’t kid yourself. Look at the media. I’m talking movies from the ’90s. The orcas got Free Willy. The closest thing we got to decent representation was Andre. Remember that kid and the seal and the dancing act? I didn’t think so. Everybody knows about Keiko the killer whale. No one gives a shit about Andre. �
Taliban ordered to vacate Qatar office Negotiations with landlord break down
> ERIK RHODES-BOSCH HUMOUR — After months of tense negotiations, the Taliban has announced that its office in Qatar will be closed. The office space was leased to facilitate ongoing negotiations with the United States. These talks, vital to the stability of the region, had been going well according to Farrouk Al Hassan, better known by his fundamentalist hip-hop pseudonym, G-Hadi. “The meetings would only descend into gunfights once a week,” said Al Hassan. “We had been making real inroads with the infidels after establishing some common ground in regards to season four of Breaking Bad.” But earlier this week, Al Hassan announced,
18 HUMOUR • MARTLET March 7, 2013
“After several counterproductive and condescending emails, as well as an extremely unprofessional phone conversation, we have decided that our current arrangement is no longer satisfactory.” The 300-square-foot office space leased by the Taliban from landlord Ibrahim Ahmed “will be sorely missed” according to Al Hassan. “It is hard to find a place in Qatar with air conditioning and in-suite laundry,” he said. “It’s so convenient. Also, the airport is only a hand grenade’s throw away. It will be hard, but at least we won’t have to listen to the infidels upstairs with the subwoofer anymore.” It is believed that the Taliban and Ahmed ran into difficulties after Taliban secretary Mohammed Kahn and Ahmed had an altercation. The exact details of the altercation are still hazy.
However, Ahmed told the press that one morning a senior Taliban staffer had dished out his morning tirade of hateful anecdotes and hand gestures to him. “At first I thought this might be a greeting, and since I did not want to come off as an ungracious host to my Afghani guests, I said nothing,” said Ahmed. “But the third time he implied my mother was a goat and my father was the son of a fishmonger was one time too many. I snapped and told them that if they were such hardcore fundamentalists, then why did I always hear Lady Ga Ga coming from their apartment?” After the exchange, relations between the Taliban and Ahmed soured. The Taliban agents retaliated the only way they knew how. Grinning
immodestly, Kahn gloated, “We set a bag of feces aflame on his doorstep. He stamped it out, and as a result his infidel foot was covered in filth.” Their victory proved to be short-lived. “He was very angry,” said Kahn. “He threatened to get the police involved, but after he saw our bomb factory in the bathroom, he ran away. We didn’t hear from him until he emailed us in the morning that we had been evicted.” By all accounts, the Taliban did try to make amends. These attempts at reconciliation went awry after the gift bouquet they had delivered to Ahmed exploded. It is believed that this package was meant for the U.S. embassy, as the American ambassador reported he received a “lovely bouquet and a very nice card” earlier that day. �
New Year’s resolutions assessed in March > MAX JOHNSON HUMOUR — We all make New Year’s resolutions. The problem is we usually abandon them around the time of year that we all get sick of being better people — say, early January. But this year, for me, is different. This year, I made a New Year’s resolution for my resolutions: I decided that I would check in on them throughout the year to make sure that I was making progress and continuing to be the best — the best new — the best new good — the most best new good me.
1: EAT HEALTHIER First of all: I tried. I really did. I went to a natural foods store, and the clerks there were very helpful and very slim. They showed me the difference between quinoa and couscous, they gave me tips on how to pick out the best organic tomatoes and they recommended healthy snacks like a gluten-free soy-flavoured nacho chip brand called ¡Soy Loco! In fact, these people at the natural foods store were so helpful, showing me down every single aisle of the store, that by the time I got home I was exhausted. Too exhausted to cook dinner. So I ordered a pizza. I asked the Domino’s guy if the tomatoes were organic, but he said he wasn’t sure and would I hurry the hell up and finish my order, so in the end I just got a Meatlovers.
2: EXERCISE MORE When the pizza got delivered to the lobby of my apartment, I took the stairs.
3: GET INVOLVED WITH CAMPUS POLITICS
BCIT communicates. BCIT repairs.
This one didn’t go exactly as planned, but that’s okay — in fact, it worked out great. See, I went to a senate meeting on campus, and it was truly enlightening. When the meeting began, the speaker made a lot of very good points about financial independence, being “our own bosses” and the health benefits of a new “miracle product” called Better Life acai berry juice. As it turns out, I had gone to the wrong building on campus and ended up sitting through a multi-level marketing event by mistake. Long story short, I am now a Better Life Rookie Associate, and if anybody reading is interested in joining the Better Life family using my referral code, it would really help me get closer to becoming a Diamond Associate. Have you ever wanted to be your own boss? Be completely financially independent? Sell a great-tasting miracle product? Now is your chance!
4: QUIT GETTING ROPED INTO STUPID PYRAMID SCHEMES This one’s gone pretty well so far!
5: BE MORE KIND TO OTHERS
Wherever you are, a BCIT grad is making an impact. With one of the highest graduate job placement records in BC, the proof is right in front of you. Look around.
bcit.ca/works It’s your career. Get it right.
I wanted to use 2013 as an opportunity to really effect change in my life. And I think it’s going great. See, I think we create the tension and the pain we suffer in this world, and that’s why this year I resolved to be kind and caring towards everybody. To be a giver, not a grump. To see the goodness in the hearts of all mankind; to embrace every single person in my life who makes each and every day special and worth experiencing. Except for the guy who sits behind me in English class and kicks the back of my chair. I hope he falls into an open manhole filled with fire ants.
6: START WATCHING LOST This was my last resolution, and it turned out to be the best one of all. Now I know what all the fuss was about! I just finished the first season last night, and it’s actually a really, really good show. I can’t wait to find out the answers to all these mysteries they’re setting up! �
THE UNIVERSITY OF VICTORIA’S INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER
March 7, 2013 MARTLET • HUMOUR 19 1 Ad Name: Institute 1213
NORTH-EAST LYNX BY PATRICK MURRY & MIKE PAROLINI
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HAVE YOUR SAY IN THE FUTURE
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Are you a journalist/editor hunting for an amazing opportunity? A business whiz seeking a unique and rewarding experience? A design ninja looking to get some ink on your fingers? Well, look no further. We’re looking for professional applications for our Editor-in-Chief, Managing Editor and Production Co-ordinator positions.
VISIT MARTLET.CA/JOBS FOR JOB DESCRIPTIONS AND APPLICATION INFO! APPLICATION DEADLINE IS MARCH 22 AT 4 P.M.
THE UNIVERSITY OF VICTORIA’S INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER
20 HUMOUR • MARTLET May 10, 2012