Strategic Salteña Consumption Guide (SSCG) Gregory P. Markowski
CENTCOM has identified an uneaten threat in the La Paz region of Bolivia. A savory delicacy called the salteña is being sold to unsuspecting tourists and locals throughout the region. Gringo ignorance of the device is causing international embarrassment for the United States and other allied nations. In a joint operation with the CIA and State, CENTCOM has sent a leading intelligence expert to the region in order to discover and neutralize the salteña threat. Below are his summarized reports. Part 1 The Problem This is a salteña;
It seems our antagonists have found a brilliant and delicious way to embarrass us in public. These “ salteñas” are sold to tourists and locals by the dozens. However, the locals have been trained in the proper handling of the device, thus making foreign nationals appear idiotic. The salteña device is oddly shaped and filled with a delicious liquid which induces the target to eat quickly and incorrectly. Without proper tactical and strategic training the target will soon be covered overcome by delicious beef or chicken agent. Hundreds perhaps thousands of patriotic Americans have lost face due to the salteña threat. Hopefully this Strategic Salteña Consumption Guide (SSCG) will help neutralize that treat. Part 2 Proper Handling Proper handling of the salteña is paramount to neutralizing it's threat. Once obtained, you must hold the device in an upright position with one of the cuspated ends facing the ground. In so doing you amass the delicious weapon's soupy agent into the lower half of the salteña. This allows for a relatively safe offensive operation at the top of the device.
As you can see, I have successfully breached the top outer edge of the salteña without loosing any of the gooey goodness inside. This first attack is crucial and as you can see I do not yet appear foolish. Furthermore, you can see that I now have lots of room now to work within the device. Part 3 The Drink Now that we have breached the perimeter it's time to attack the meat of the salteña. Our initial breach of the outer perimeter is still to small to fit any heavy artillery into the empanada so we must drain it of as much deliciousness as we can using manual combative techniques. Use the initial breach and the remainder of the device to convert the originally dangerous salteña into a simple cup. Then carefully drink the soupy agent out from the empaneled. Try not to be overwhelmed by it's deliciousness as this will wear on your patience, causing you to rush and inevitable make a mess of yourself. This is precisely how the salteña is used to turn gringo's into embarrassed fools.
Part 4 Spooning Now that we have successfully eliminated a good portion of the soupy agent we can begin to slowly gnaw away at the outer shell of the salteña. Very very slowly chew away the outer edges of the crust, sipping down the soupy agent if needed. Our goal now is to make the hole large enough to fit tactical equipment (a small spoon) inside the salteña.
This is the most dangerous part of the operation. If you are not patient you will break of a piece of the crust below the soupy agent line. When that happens the soupy agent dribbles uncontrollably out of the crust. Your only option at that point is to either loose salteña juice, which then makes a mess of your hands or to cram the whole bloody thing into your mouth. Either way you look foolish. Part 5
The Finish. Now that you have gotten a spoon safely into the salteña you can eat the soupy agent without much fear of spilling or seepage. Once you have safely eaten the stew you can now consume the rest of the bready empanda and be done with your meal. With proper training, the salteña can easily be overcome and further international embarrassment easily averted.
Published on Aug 18, 2008