West Magazine June 24 2017

Page 46

My life


Tall, dark and strong Somebody get Chris McGuire a coffee, any coffee will do ’d be rubbish on Desert Island Discs. having a cold/being hungry/doing a secret exYes, I’m aware that I’m not a ceperiment on how long sleep-deprived parents can lebrity of any sort. Although, to be last before losing the plot, coffee is a great plan B. honest, the word has been stretched They know me at my local coffee shop. I’ve to breaking point. These days I usugone from that annoying Lycra-clad cyclist (with ally Google (other internet search footwear that sounds like tapengines are available) the contestshoes), to that annoying pramants on Strictly to establish which pushing dad (mumbling about As long as in the pairing is the ‘celeb’ –usunight feeds and Old MacDonally the one I’ve never heard of. ald). it’s black and The main reason I’d be no good During Sam’s sporadic buckling under on Desert Island Discs, beyond my daytime naps, I often sit the weight of its palpable lack of stardom, is I’d in the café, nursing a break the format. latte and watching the own caffeine, “Chris, can you pick your first other caffeine users then that’s fine track for us?” arrive for their ‘fix’. “Grande Cappuccino.” The customers range with me “Sorry?” from an eclectic se“I don’t want records with me on lection of stressed this island, I want coffee. Coffee! parents through to Give me COFFEE!” what I’ve come to know as ‘normal’ I’m sure Kirsty Young would lose patience people - although normal may be with me well before any of my caffeine cravings pushing it. The other day, one man had subsided. Yes, this week, I’ve discovered I’m insisted on being given a latte (a little) addicted to coffee – and I’ve no desire to without milk. “But that’s an eschange the situation! presso, sir!” said the barista, How on earth did anyone get any parenting as politely as she could. “No, done in the past, before the ready availability of no, no,” he replied, increascoffee? I mean seriously? As a new parent, I need ingly irate. “I want a latte coffee every morning in the same way my dad’s without milk!” So that’s old Austin Allegro needed a breakfast-time jump what he got. A lonely esstart if there was to be any chance of it exiting presso shot at the bottom of the drive. a huge paper cup. Another Don’t get me wrong, I’m not coffee snob, far man, quite brazenly, opened from it. I couldn’t tell an Arabica from a Robusta his duffle coat and poured an (I looked up the main bean types on the previousentire container of sugar into ly-mentioned search engine). I don’t mind if it’s a pocket. I can only imagine freeze-dried, freshly ground or filtered through that anyone having a hot drink an old sock. As long as it’s black and buckling at his house, would find the sugar under the weight of its own caffeine, then that’s a fluff-laden affair. fine with me. There’s no doubt that coffee I’m well aware that coffee is no real substitute makes people act oddly! Or is it that for genuine sleep. But when a decent stretch of odd people drink a lot of coffee? I think sleep isn’t on offer, due to my baby son teething/ that, in my sleep-deprived state, I fall



into the latter category. In fact, the only coffee I won’t touch is the coffee crème chocolate that always lingers when everyone has eaten their favourite soft centres at Christmas. I sometimes wonder how sleep deprived I’d need to be before considering a nibble on one of those? Let’s hope I never find out. Chris McGuire is a writer and new dad. He doesn’t drink tea @McGuireski

NEXT WEEK: Phil Goodwin on love, life and parenting in the Westcountry 46

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