2 Long Beach Travel Guide
Letter from the Editor
Our city, our mayor. “My daddy made me write this.”
Hello fwends, I’m Tommy, and I’m the mayor of Long Beach. That’s what my daddy told me to say. He made me put together this magazine because he said it’s punishment for listening in on his grown-up conversation with a lady on the phone. So I got out my construction paper, dinosaur stickers, and glue sticks and got to work. In the end, I accidentally stapled my tongue to my Xbox, but I’m pretty sure that my daddy will be impressed with what I made anyway. I asked a man from daddy’s work to help me put this together, and he said that right after he finished throwing up, he’d
help me. So thanks, mister! But he did tell me to write in here if anyone needed some hash or something that they should email him at chaz_dicklemeat69@ rocketmanmail.com. Anyways I gotta stop writing now because some lady that smells like mommy’s perfume just asked me where Daddy keeps his go-go juice. Also I have been listening to a lot of rap music without my Daddy knowing and I think I wanna be like Snoop Dogg now. Mostly because he has cool hair and wears a fur coat. Okay, smell you later people of Long Beach. Here’s my autograph:
Here is a picture of me putting together the issue with a sneak peak of next week’s feature on Spongebob’s super secret beauty regimen.
Historical CSULB We collected several locations of the most historically important buildings on Middle-Earth, er, the CSULB campus. From one CSULB student to another, don’t be surprised at how close Doom is to your next class. 1: Microbiology Building: Mordor It might not look like Mount Doom per se, but there is no other place on campus more sinister in appearance than the Microbiology building. If it looks ominous in the distance, it’s flat out frightening up close. You can almost imagine an eye staring at you or some science experiment gone terribly wrong. Even now it’s being infested with Orcs and E. coli. One does not simply walk into Mordor without a lab coat! 2: McIntosh Building: Isengard It’s one of the tallest buildings on campus and one that stores masses of wisdom and lore from the ages, but all that knowledge has also become corrupt by the fires of industry. Its base has a fountain and trees planted in a grid, making it a place to stroll for the all-powerful Wizard, but to see the corruption all you have to do is look out one of its windows to notice the scars of metal and wheels. I swear one time I saw Saruman walk out of there carrying How to Make Friends and Influence People. 3: Music Department: Hobbiton The Music Department is the loveliest part of campus. Music majors are the smartest ones for using the lower-level practice rooms built right into a hill like Frodo’s Hobbit Hole. There are perfectly green slopes and gardens of flowers, as if Samwise Gamgee were the gardener. After the horrors of the Microbiology building, it’s a respite so lovely it makes you want to sing! Just make sure the corruption of the administration doesn’t destroy such pristine landscapes through budget cuts. 4: Pyramid: The Lonely Mountain I haven’t seen any dragons there yet, but there definitely is Prospector Pete digging for gold and athletes digging for fame.They’re like our own personal army of Dwarves, people who like nothing more than to perfect their crafts and thus achieve greatness. Careful, greatness attracts the greedy!
Did you know... agree that the CSULB Earth!
On the occasional Friday and Saturday nights, people from other mountains challenge our Dwarves for their gold. One of these days there will be a Battle of Five Armies, which is worth goldenbuttered popcorn! 5: Brotman Hall: Minas Tirith Not only does the building have several floors—otherwise known as tiers—but there is also a courtyard of stone and the white Tree of Gondor, the Tree of the Hungry Student, in the middle. It houses the best-dressed people, with heels and business ties, the royalty of CSULB. I’m afraid Denethor the Steward is in charge for now; we’re still waiting for the return of the King. 6: Nugget: Inn of the Prancing Pony The village of Bree has a famous pub where people gather for beers, hamburgers, and gossip. Unfortunately, our Prancing Pony lacks Hobbit-sized rooms; it lacks rooms in general, really, but you
can at least feel like a Hobbit at the tall tables. However, if you see motorcyclists dressed in black with finger-armor, you might want to run far, far away. Like I said before, the King is exiled, so the Wraiths might actually get you. However, if you’re willing to risk being stabbed by a Morgul blade, their breakfast burritos are delicious. 7: Japanese Garden: Rivendell The Japanese Garden is the one place on campus with ethereal beauty and hungry-hungry koi fish. It’s bordered by trees, and you almost don’t notice the buildings because they blend in. It’s a place of marriage and celebration as well, which makes it the Last Homely House here at CSULB. That and it’s near impossible to find unless you know where to look; that’s why many students are stopped with the question, “Where’s the Japanese Garden?” It’s just like any non Elves and Wizards in Middle-Earth need to ask, “Where’s the valley of Rivendell?”
4 Long Beach Travel Guide
Long Beach Legends
The Horny Corner
Above: A man (who wishes to remain anonymous) runs away in terror after a possible Chodesquatch encounter. After the photo was taken, the man Bottom Right: Presumed Chodesquatch footprints pepper
arly birds in Long Beach frequent the Horny Corner to get a head start on their workout regimens, but they have found that their morning run is accompanied by an unexplained erection. This phenomenon is deeply rooted in Long Beach’s history. Some believe that Long Beach got its name because it is geographically long, but it’s actually a direct reference to the creature that haunts its waters. Chodesquatch, the often overlooked love child of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, is rumored to frequently rise from the waters and stroll along the sand, leaving his distinctive penis-shaped footprint for locals to admire. Once he has returned to the water, his supernatural aura remains, resulting in a below-the-waistband stiffening for the morning’s visitors. This sudden rush of blood is much more effective than a cup of coffee. Studies have shown that the presence of this mythical creature has drastically raised the frequency of public penetration. On Saturday afternoons, a small group of people in workout clothes can be found bending in unnatural directions. They will
tell you they are doing yoga, but they are actually performing rituals in praise of Chodesquatch. Legend says that these rituals began in the late 2000s, when locals attempted to transform Horny Corner into a topless beach. There was far too much attention on breasts and not enough on dicks. This enraged the creature and caused it to unleash riptides upon the locals. The townspeople found that this form of exercise calms not only the Chodesquatch, but the chodes within us all. Unfortunately, this sedated state has resulted in a calm beach that lacks waves, perfect for kayaking and boating, but it’s not ideal for surfing.
ong Beach is known for its vintage character and historic style, exhibited by its many thrift stores and antique shops. These throwback hotspots are mostly concentrated in Retro Row (4th Street between Cherry and Junipero). Now with the city’s “Vintage Movement” as a means for going green, there is a targeted expansion from 4th Street to 7th Street; the resulting extravaganza will be dubbed “Retro Block.” There aren’t many things more “vintage” than castles, and of those, Burg Rötteln is one of the best. It may not have made Walt Disney’s cut, but it has existed since before the 11th century, and before its disrepair at the hands of French Marshall Creek, Rötteln was one of the most powerful castles in southern Germany. Unfortunately, the majestic edifice has fallen into disrepair during the last couple of centuries. In its waning years, Rötteln has, like most Germans, begun to crave the sun, and Long Beach has volunteered to adopt the castle as the crowning piece of Retro Block’s expansion.
Long Beach Travel Guide:
Help Burg Rötteln retire in sunny Long Beach, not snowy Baden-Württemberg! Rötteln dreams of the sweeping cherry trees and shining beach culture of its new neighborhood. All you have to do to help is support the Vintage Movement by shopping at St. John Bosco’s Thrift Store. All proceeds will go to funding the castle’s great journey. Once the castle arrives, the thrift store and surrounding buildings will be rearranged to make room for the new resident. The interior will be renovated and equipped with state-ofthe-art strip mall equipment to create Long Beach’s first ever strip mall of strip clubs inside the castle, and the Vintage Movement will erect historic-themed shops nearby so it’s not alone. Proposed shops include the Aeropostale Apothecary, the American Eagle Armory, and Tyrion’s Olde Hogtying Shoppe. If the wind still erodes the castle, at least it will be in the sun with its friends. Donations of any amount can also be made on our Kickstarter; just search for “Rockin’ Rötteln” to find the account.
Long Beach Travel Guide
The Spread Eagle: A Night Club That Will Blow You Away
re you tired of spending your Friday nights indulging your homoerotic tendencies by replaying the episodes of Game of Thrones where Renly and Loras do the nasty medieval style? Well, get your hands out of your pants, because the perfect West Hollywood experience is only a short drive away. Located in the ballsack of Long Beach, Spread Eagle promises a night full of booze, boys, and ball bustin’. It is a few blocks away from the “Gay Ghetto,” sandwiched between Chotchkie’s and Chipotle; you’ll be sure to recognize it with the banana hammock sporting bouncer warmly inviting twinks to the den to get down and dirty.
The only downside to this erotic experience is the rotten fish aroma coming from the bathroom stalls that will surely catch your attention. Avoid them or you might catch something else.
This meat market is not for vegetarians. “You’re guaranteed to have sausages in your face at all times,” guaranteed club manager Rick Madiq. Known for its eclectic drag scene, Spread Eagle is home to Lasagna Del Rey and Adelephant, whose drag performances are slurpier than your roommate’s shower discharge. If the ladyboys are not your type, the men with the tight abs and even tighters asses shaking their way through law school will do the trick for you. “On Military Night, I find my poopdeck quickly being filled with seamen.” said Mike Hunt. “Oh wait, I meant semen.” For those bi-curious otters, Spread Eagle is the best place to explore your curiosity for the D. Maybe you were just born that gay. It is also a perfect place to bring a drunk straight girl and her boyfriend. Perhaps stroke his ego...and then something else. The club offers an array of alternative cock&tail that will surely blow your night away. Some of the house favorites are the Gin and Testicle Tonic, Schlong Island, Iced-D, and Twerkball Twerkbomb. For merely $312, these drinks will certainly satisfy your thirst....or at least your thirst for rip-offs.
Warning: There is no ramp that leads to the stage, so all you wheelchair bound queens are gonna have to twerk on the handicapable dance floor.
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Cool Beats for Dead Beats
ey shredders. In case you didn’t know, Long Beach is well known for it’s diverse and energetic music scene. Kapow! So for all you cool cats and hot mamacitas out there, why don’t you sit back, relax and let me give two high fives to every mother-truckin’ music lover out there. Awoogah! For many Long Beachians (or Beachers, as they’re known by me and some of my bros), music is more than something that gets you sent to hell for shaking your hips inappropriately; it is a cosmic way of life. The people in Anti-Social D (pictured top left) represent the spirit of this city in so many ways. Their psychedelic nü-metal sound has struck a chord with many beach bums and surfers scarred and mutated by the toxic waters of Long Beach. Their new release, “You Want the D,” has been getting heavy airplay from the boombox in Kevin’s garage on 5th Street. With such an amazing start, the sky’s the limit for Anti-Social D! But for those of you who are into the classics, there’s plenty of musical history here. Stars as big as Snoop Lion, Sublime and Reel Big Fish aren’t ashamed to tell you that they originated from Long Beach. While Long Beach has issued numerous public apologies for Reel Big Fish for inspiring a generation to dress like losers, Sublime and Snoop Lion represent an only slightly more tolerable demographic of good-for-nothing, stoner street rats. While in Long Beach, make sure to check out the corner of Martin Luther King and 17th Street (pictured top right), where Snoop Lion wrote his
entire platinum debut album “Doggystyle” while waiting for his mother to pick him up from an AP Calculus study session outside of Poly High School. Sublime got their start playing shows at the venue of choice for Long Beach State students with more money than taste, The Nugget (pictured bottom right). It is often said that Bradley Nowell would be booed off the stage after refusing to play “Badfish” more than 3 times in the same show. This gave Long Beach a reputation as a difficult city to perform in and wholly unsatisfying to pander to. This of course means that venues were, for a time, difficult to come by in Long Beach. That was until DiPiazza’s (pictured bottom left and now open for lunch) saved the day. This fixture of Long Beach culture combined mediocre pizza, watery booze, and uncomfortable seating to create the most inviting venue in the Long Beach area. Every night, they drag a Wilson High School student with a guitar on stage to play soft acoustic ballads for the middle-aged crowd. While some are put off by the deer-in-theheadlights look typical of the performers and the interchangeable acts, this fantastic venue has found its way into the hearts of all Long Beach natives. Without a doubt, the vibrant music scene of Long Beach has plenty to offer the unwashed masses of fanny-pack sporting tourists. So get out there, have a ball, and enjoy the rich experience of LBC music.
Great Long Beacheans
Long Beach Travel Guide
Rage in the Cage D
id you know that Nicolas Cage was born in Long Beach? Fun fact: he emerged from an aged warthog’s carcass in the harbor one day a hundred years ago and made Long Beach his new stomping grounds. Many of the sidewalks and walls are still scarred with the burn marks of his father’s potent acidic semen. This roadmap is for the hardcore fan looking to paint the Beach red with their semi-flacid penis in the same vein as Nic Cage himself.
This is the intersection where Nic Cage thought he could literally become the Ghost Rider. Witnesses reported that he ran into the middle of the street wearing a Ghost Rider outfit made out of the cat bones he’d collected since his childhood and set himself ablaze like the most bad-ass flambé you can imagine. He then proceeded to run down three people and shake a toddler until it repented for its sins.
This is the industrial part of town where Nic Cage lost his virginity sometime in the ’80s. Experts believe it was sometime during his high school prom. His sexual partner shall remain nameless, but she has corroborated and said that Cage was “Gone in 60 Seconds.” After learning of the joke, Cage pitched it to some Hollywood bigwigs, and thus his movie career began .
Great Long Beacheans
Long Beach Travel Guide: 9
Nic Cage got so shit-faced while attending one of Christian Slater’s parties in the ’90s that he tried to hijack the Queen Mary. When the police showed up, Cage had completely lost the lower half of his tuxedo while trying to insert his eel-like penis into various computers in order to “hack” into the boat’s operating system, a quasi-voodoo technique he learned at a convent in Florida, to telekinetically set the Queen Mary on its final, final voyage.
In 1998, In an attempt to gain trust of the youth culture and because he “didn’t really have any black friends,” Nicolas Cage starred in City of Angels, a movie about angels and the previous incarnation of Meg Ryan, set in various locations in Long Beach. He, like, played an angel and fell for a white lady, and then she died and he was all sad and stuff. City of Angels didn’t find him any new black friends.
As training for the Ghost Rider sequel, Nicolas Cage sought out the infamous “Stallion of the Mist,” a famous ghost horse that haunted the Delta, he was unaware of the dubious nature of the existence of the horse, which was none other than a tall tale concocted by “Easy Eyes O’Reilly.” Cage was also unaware of the fact that he would be unable to ride such a horse, as the nature of non-corporeal beings differ drastically from ours. Cage traveled the Delta for two years before he left without actually riding the ghost horse while still procuring child slaves, which he used to wax his Ghost Rider jacket on set.
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Cool Stuff to Put into Your Mouth #LoBe (Long Beach) has all da good eats
hotchkie’s You can find this gem next to The ’Stache in Downtown. This place is great if you seek a fun atmosphere and recognize that you don’t care too much about germs. Chotchkie’s is known especially for their “Naughty Mouse.” This dish is a tender, roasted souris d’ordinateur, or “mouse,” stuffed with five different kinds of cheese, sleepily resting on a bed of gently fluffed and puffed mashed potatoes. This spot has gone through a lot of turmoil, including the Great Rating Skirmish of 1994, when a health inspector was appalled to find the kitchen the base for a race war between the rats that live under the sink and a half-dead opossum. Instead of waving the white flag, the owner, Dick Clit, decided to salvage his reputation by promising to wash his hands every once in a while. In addition to their “Naughty Mouse,” their menu also consists of “Roached Eggs,” “Sauteed Squirrel,” “Poached Possum,” and “Baked Bat.”
unga Diner While #LoBe is remembered for its Anglo-Saxon derived foods, it is also favored for its imported delicacies. Gunga Diner, located on Ocean and Ximeno, is a westernized IndianMexican-Latvian fusion restaurant that caters (supposedly) to every ethnic whim. They won the prestigious White Guilt Award for “Most Assimilated” in 2003 with their famous “Spicy Curried Sushi Nachos.” The atmosphere is muy classy with a hint of obscurelycultured swank, and has been a celebrity hot-spot for centuries. Remember that one guy from that Face/Off movie? YES, he was there. Only the finest are accepted into the establishment, so make a reservation seven and a half decades in advance and make sure to dress in your most luxurious garb!
iggy Piggy Located near Olive and Atlantic, Ziggy Piggy is a fast food joint that has been around since 1989. “ZP” is most known for the integration of their menu with famous elements from popular music. Signature dishes include “Piggy Stardust,” a pork sandwich on pumpernickel with honey mustard, relish, and spinach, topped with candy stars (by those we mean “crystal meth”). The latest, a Lady Gaga-inspired burger called “The Swine,” has been very popular. It is dressed with raw meat, “Fame Sauce” (blood/mayonnaise mixture), and Vajazzle-brand sequins. The establishment prides itself on inviting regular local bands to participate in their “Honky Hog Hoedown” (not to be confused with the bi-monthly “Honky Hoo-hah Hoedown”), which occurs every Friday. Previous acts have included Anti-Social D, Löded Diper, and Wyld Stallyns.
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Downtown Dreams with Dr. Dogg Where to rest your paws in this smelly city by the sea
f all the places I’ve visited, Long Beach is by far the most exquisite. There are so many beautiful scents drifting around! The sea-salt breeze mixes with aromas of rotting fish, greasy burger wrappers, and stale donuts to create a scrumptious bouquet. All these scents, though, make lodging a challenge. Don’t you hate that moment when you’re chasing raccoons and barking at squirrels in your dream, and suddenly you smell cherry pie? I love cherry pie, but it does not belong with dream-squirrels. In such an odorous town as Long Beach, finding an unscented sleep-spot is essential, so I’ve decided to give you some hints. Downtown The West Inn is fabulous. Doggie cookies, vacuumed carpets, bellboys with smelly shoes…absolutely perfect. They even brought a roll-away cot I could sleep in when my sister-person was away! (Shhh…) My only complaint was the laundry detergent, which smelled like freesias. Freesias do not grow indoors. If you’re a stickler for natural scents, bark your people away from this one. The flowers did make for interesting squirrels-in-a-meadow dreams, though. Diana Dogg is the author of Doggies on the Dash: A Dog’s Guide to Dating, Dining, and Doing the Dirty (Lamina Press, $23.95) and a frequent contributor to Dog Daily and Quadrupeds Against Cats Newspaper. She received her B.A. in Smellology in 2011 and is currently collecting research for her dogtoral thesis, a comprehensive catalogue of scents in California’s mountainous and coastal regions. She travels frequently with her people to collect new samples, and she has become an expert in selecting the perfect place to sleep. Long Beach is one of Diana’s favorite cities, and she has offered to share her expertise regarding where-and where not-to stay. Take advantage of her advice to take lodging off your list of worries and make your visit the best it can be! Illustration courtesy of Claire Dewilde
Northern Long Beach My people tied me up at a park, and I had a beautiful sleep on the grass. Oak trees overhead, grass underneath, squirrels polite enough to resume our fight once I was awake—wonderful. Unfortunately, though, I had no luck convincing my people to stay there for the night. Maybe you’ll have better luck than me! California State University, Long Beach Avoid this area if you can. 7th Street is a veritable Highway to Hell, and you’ll never get any sleep if you have to listen to the cars screeching around all night. Motorcycles are particularly bad, especially when your people won’t even let you out to chase them. Horrid! Also, there’s a demon-statue on campus of a man with a pick-axe. I barked and growled at him, and he didn’t react at all. Made of iron, I’d swear it! Avoid him at all costs.
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