Amazing Sex: No More Condoms!
How to Become a Man
How to Start a Cult:
In 11 and half (relatively) easy steps
Not as Hard as You Think
One Night In Paris Without the 5-Star Hotels
Editors’ Letters men’s mags. We strove to create a magazine that would allow men to become better people. Psychology and selfimprovement have been big topics in my social circle of late. The concept that we didn’t need to be type-cast, and could create our own destinies was alluring and has lead to life changes we never expected. Look at us now – we’re starting a friggin’ magazine!
o, our first issue. It’s literally been more than a day of hard work to get to this point, and now I feel a sudden rush of pride as we go live. The idea for ManMag came to me one night randomly, and the next morning I started recruiting friends and brainstorming. The concept was for a free online magazine that filled the gap in the market between all the generic boys’ magazines, and the specialised
ManMag would be a culmination of our writers’ interests – a medium for us to demonstrate our expertise and experiences. Many contributors have been writing anonymously, showing a side to their personalities they do not reveal in public. It seemed to me like everyone I approached was an aspiring writer, and books were always too labour intensive to write and publish. Nobody wanted to write a book, but a 3 page article was achievable. A
magazine was the perfect medium for all of us to explore a new facet to our personas. We are basically a group of student friends who have been working in our free time to create a product about which we are all passionate. Through it we will explore concepts from sex to fashion, how to get it and how to live the life, how to pick up girls in bars, how to cook yourself a decent meal, get fit and healthy, organise your life, become financially secure and become the renaissance man – or James Bond, whichever tickles your fancy. We hope you enjoy the fruits of our labour. If you do, tell your friends. Marc Bernitz Editor-in-Chief firstname.lastname@example.org
have little editing experience. I think that’s what makes ManMag so unique – most of our team members are new to this industry, so we a have fresh perspective on just about everything.
hen ManMag first approached me to edit an article for them, of course I said yes. I’ve been interested in doing something like this for so long, I jumped at the opportunity. I would never have guessed that after that first article I’d be asked to join the ManMag team, but I was, and I’m enjoying every second of it.
Talking of our team, it’s a group of quirky, witty, friendly and intelligent individuals and I feel extremely blessed to be a part of it. We all contribute to the magazine in different ways which come together to create a fantastic product. I’m really looking forward to the future with ManMag, the team, and you, our readers. After all,
The theme for this, our debut issue, is “Firsts”. Similarly, this is a first for me. It might be a bit late to mention this now, but I 1
you’re the reason this magazine was started in the first place. So here it is… Enjoy it and keep reading – we’ve got amazing things planned! Ruan van Tonder Editor email@example.com
lives. We hope to show you the path to a lifestyle where you can live the way you want without compromise and go home in a nice car with a fantastic girl to a house of your own filled with tasteful things that you enjoy. We also hope to show you how to have that 10/10 girl, a sports car that is cool and a house that is full of exquisite things and fantastic toys – something that few people seem to achieve.
i and welcome to ManMag - the lifestyle magazine for men. In fact, it’s more than that. We feel that improving rather than changing who you are is the start to a healthier being. We all want to improve our lives and we tend to do so by buying the latest gadget, pair of jeans or toy. Rarely do we know what that says about us or how other choices could have changed our
Contributors Editor-in-Chief: Marc Bernitz HR Manager: Caro Erasmus Copy Editor: Ruan van Tonder Features: Beyers de Vos, Alexis Evans, Kelly Ramsden, Maggie Mae, Caroline Eckert, Charlotte Keuris, Nicole Crampton, Edward Ridgwell, Michael van Gelder, John Coltrain Photographers: Reino Jonker, Jaco Maré, Jaco du Toit Consultants: Kiki Meneses, Sarah Allan Art: Iranda Erasmus Catering: Roz Bernitz Advertising: firstname.lastname@example.org Cover Photographer: Reino Jonler Model: Mariska Spoelstra Stylist : Kiki Meneses Editorial Enquiries: email@example.com
When you read ManMag we hope you enjoy our insights and experiences. We hope this opens your eyes and mind to the possibility of going out with a plan that works, as opposed to just going out expecting magical Copyright things to happen. In the words Copyright © Man Magazine. No part of this publication or website may be or Gary Player, the more you reproduced in any for whatsoever practice, the luckier you without express written permission of Man Magazine. Man Magazine cannot be become. Edward Ridgwell International Correspondent firstname.lastname@example.org
held responsible for any unsolicited material. Contributions are welcome. All due care is taken with material submitted, but Man Magazine cannot be held liable for loss or damage. Man Magazine reserves the right to edit, amend or alter any material submitted in any way deemed necessary. The views expressed in the magazine are not necessarily those of the editors and/or publishers of Man Magazine.
How to become a man in 11 and half (relatively) easy steps In celebration of our first issue, Beyers de Vos explores the firsts and rites of passage that make us truly men with a step-by-step guide on becoming a man.
eing a man is hard. Seriously. You’d think that all it requires is sitting around, having the necessary equipment. And how tough can that be? All you have
anything to do with sexuality; rather, it’s a process, which happens over time, through various first experiences and rites of passage. Eventually, if you’re lucky, these make you a
tricky, cause flailing and are often misread. So in honour of our first issue, here is a step-by-step guide on becoming a man, in case you haven’t quite managed it, yet.
“Every guy remembers the blessed day he Step 1: Grow Hair. Hair is a very important part of looked down and saw his first pubic hair, being a man. Every guy the blessed day he black and gorgeous: the first sign of remembers looked down and saw his first pubic hair, black and gorgeous: manhood” to do is make sure you have a penis which, apart from the occasional embarrassing public itching, is relatively easy: it comes naturally. It just kind of hangs around, really. But gender is much more than that: it isn’t a physical attribute or a definitive characteristic. It doesn’t necessarily even have
man. Some of these are culturally inescapable and definitive, like ritual circumcision or Bar Mitzvahs, while others are less delineated, more subtle. They happen without notice, usually during puberty and they are fairly simple. But they can also be 5
the first sign of manhood. You probably did a little dance. It was a great day.
Step 2: Lose Hair Shaving is an overlooked, but very important ritual. The first time you take a razor to your face you step away from childhood. It is man’s task, a
bonding ritual between father and son.
Step 3: Take Someone Down The first time you throw a punch is important, right? Yes, absolutely. If you do it for the right reasons. To protect someone, to protect your honour. But if it’s entered into selfishly, or drunkenly, you are in fact taking a step towards juvenility. This is usually learnt the hard way, but doing the right thing, and not being guided by your pride, is a crucial part of being a man. Noble, not asshole.
Step 4: Drink a Beer Your first beer is crucial. This is the alcoholic equivalent of being handed a razor – it shows that you are a responsible adult.
Step 5: Get Hammered This is just general life experience. No one can take your masculinity seriously if you haven’t got out of your skull, run-naked-through-the-streetssinging-show-tunes, drunk. Do it! Now! 6
Step 6: Have Sex This step involves three things. First, discovering your dick can do more than just urinate. This is the basic cornerstone of manhood. Let’s just admit that. We like to think we’re
“No one can take your masculinity seriously if you haven’t got out of your skull, run-nakedthrough-the-streetssinging-show-tunes, drunk” emotionally complicated, and we can be, but our erections matter. Second, buying your first condom. It’s a big deal. It acknowledges that you’re taking one of the final steps towards adulthood, that you can be responsible and safe. And third, cashing in your V-card: like sobriety, virginity is something that needs to be lost too, before
you can fully claim the Man Title.
Step 7: More Sex I feel I might have been a little irresponsible before by placing so much emphasis on sex. Anyone can have sex. It’s how you do it that makes you a man. Reckless, man-whorish behaviour is not cool. Have fun, go wild, have lots and lots of sex, but be responsible about it. It’s all about how you handle the actual event, and any consequences, which will determine what kind of man you are. And remember: Herpes is real.
Step 8: Love So you’re only a man because someone else is a woman. It’s like day and night, good and evil, yin and yang: one can’t exist without the other. And how you treat your partner is essential. Respect matters. If manhood was a car, respect would be the steering wheel.
Step 9: Speaking of Cars
Boys seem to have an almost pathological fascination with cars, and this is very significant. Don’t be alarmed if you don’t, however. “Cars” are more of an allegory here. Though every man needs to have something he is passionate about. Whether it’s cars or fishing or music, boys have toys.
Step 10: Bromance Friendship says a lot about someone, and it says a lot about your masculinity. Loyalty, trustworthiness, honour, generosity: all of these are part of being a man, and all of them are learned by having good, solid friendships.
Step 11: Goodness
Reaching manhood needs all of these things. They all validate what it means to be male. However, what manhood is really all about is strength. And not the “Dude, check out these guns” kind of strength. A bad man is a weak man, and men are not weak.
Step 11½: More Please Ok, I went a little deep and mushy just there, so just for good measure, have some more sex. I often wonder what life would be like if there had been more than two genders. In the laboratory of my imagination I concoct images of green and slimy creatures with five eyes and tentacles. Of course, if you think about it rationally you would realise that a third or fourth gender would not be some District 9 inspired sci-fi joke, but would probably look
exactly like you and me, except where it mattered most: the dark and scary places which determine gender. We like to think that gender doesn’t matter. That’s the politically correct idea, or in thing, right now. It’s all about what kind of person you are, your humanity. Blah, blah, blah. I’m not dismissing the need to treat people based on more than their gender; I’m not advocating sexism. But at the end of the day, those dark and scary places make me a man. And they constitute more than just the biology.
Am I a man yet? I don’t know. Are you? Are we ever completely and definitely men, or do we have brief moments of manhood and then slip back to being boys on a playground? Do we ever really conquer those dark and scary places? Perhaps the final word on what it really takes should be this: “If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, then yours is the earth and everything that’s in it, and – which is more – you’ll be a man, my son,” – Rudyard Kipling.
Girl on Topic Alexis Evans
s a woman writing for a men’s magazine, I think it’s safe at first to assume that I am a traitor of my gender. Most men’s magazines are not exactly female-friendly. They objectify us and teach you to seduce and use. Then they yap on and on about gadgets and cars. The latest solar-powered GPS laboriously tried and tested; the dating- and relationship advice seemingly made up just before going to print. ManMag is not your typical men’s mag. This column is here to tell it like it is…. To teach you what she really thinks. What she 1
wants, how she wants it, why she wants it. To make you a man who gets it… and then gets some because of it. Believe me, women love men in the know.
come those lovely cheekbones; instead of headaches she gets - and oh, I HATE this word! – horny. But again, unless your girl happens to be that one-in-a-million who turns purple when she takes Aspirin, this probably won’t happen. Keep in mind, though, that these side effects do not affect all women, and – happily – subside with time.
So here you go – your 15 minutes-a-month guide to the enigma that is Your Woman… Our issues, our mindsets, our realities, our fantasies.
But back to convincing her to get it in the first place (at this point, freshly aware that she may not even want to sleep with you if you do, I won’t be surprised if you wish to stop reading right now. Don’t. Three words – Sex without plastic. Sure, there is a small chance that for a short while it won’t be too frequent, but that – I’m sure - is a risk worth taking). So let me to tell you what I told my editor –no sexually-liberated woman in her right mind needs convincing. It’s a simple one-a-day medication that allows her freedom from pregnancy worries and – here I’m talking from personal experience, side effects be damned – AMAZING sex. Come on…
Time to get you in touch not with your feminine side, but with the femme at your side. For this first issue, my editor wanted me to write a how-to guide to help you convince your girlfriend to go on the Pill. Bizarrely, too, he wanted me to tout it as an aphrodisiac… The Pill: It makes me horny! or something like that. Now, boys – I’ve done my research – while us Independent Girl types do get off on the fact that we get to manipulate Mother Nature, the Pill is far from a female Viagra. In fact, it’s quite the opposite – unfortunately, common side effects include weight gain and a loss of libido. Funnily enough – and I include this for those eternal optimists among you – some women experience opposite effects: Instead of chubby cheeks, out
Rather than a how-to guide, I write instead a trouble-shooting manual. Taking a tablet at 6am every morning may sound simple, but believe me, it’s not without its complications. 2
My boyfriend and I have had more than our fair share of problems with The Pill. They were those kind of experiences that, in hindsight, appear kind of funny. Or would have been hilarious if they happened to someone else. Unfortunately they happened to us. Practical proof, I believe, that ignorance about a topic is nowhere near blissful… So, without going into too much personal detail – liberated woman as I am, locker-room talk is not something I will engage in here – allow me to give you some pointers. First off – and this much should be obvious – The Pill is not immediately 3
effective. Use condoms during the first 7 days after she started on the medication. To be clear – first pack, first week only. Thereafter, you’re Durex money is better spent not spent at all.
As for The Pill – it’s not affected. She can safely continue taking her tablets as usual (and yes, you can still lose the condoms after a week). Oh! As a side-note, ANY variation of the phrase Don’t have a baby about this! I’ve got this under control is NOT advisable. Unless you enjoy a good slap to the face, that is…
Actually, you know what, I should just tell you to wait that week. Don’t have sex. Condoms break. Right then, just to be ironic… And believe me - being forced to swap the aftersex cuddle-and-slumber for a panic-fuelled Google research session is not fun.
Seems I’m running out of column, so allow me one – no, two – more things:
So let’s spare you to the stress. Here’s what you do: GET THE MORNING-AFTER PILL.
One – use condoms when she’s on – and for a week after she’s been on - antibiotics. (Or just give her soup. Sick sex is yuck).
But first expect a tantrum. And expect to get blamed. Don’t argue. Just pull up your pants and get to the pharmacy. And take her with – she has to sign for the stuff personally.
Two – In case you didn’t catch on, I’m talking about your girlfriend here. Someone you have a committed relationship with… You know what they say – “A stud is but You with a STD...”
Though the morning-after pill can be taken up to 72 hours after sex, the sooner, the better…So unless you find yourself in a primitive nowhere, get to a 24-hour pharmacy immediately. Don’t delay – not only is the contraceptive more likely to be effective, but getting it right then will do wonders for her peace of mind.
‘til next time
Alexis xx 4
My girlfriend asked me to buy her a vibrator for her birthday, what do you think?
Kelly M’s reply Well, the next time your girlfriend brings this up, instead of freaking out about it, just offer to buy her a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs instead, or if you will, to go along with the vibrator, whatever works for you…
Shaggie Maggie’s reply The other day a girlfriend and I started having a heated discussion about this exact topic. A girl’s best battery operated friend. Whoever said that diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never experienced the joy that a well chosen vibrator can give. My girlfriend’s boyfriend, who was with us at the time, immediately got upset at us and asked us to change the subject. So this led me to wonder, how close is too close for comfort? Do men really want to know what women want?
That’s what She Said!
Residents Kelly and Maggie are far 5 too naughty to be judgmental
Glossy magazines have always led me to believe that men long for a glimpse into the female mind. I should indeed not have believed everything that I have read. I think the answer here is compromise. Girls have to listen to guys talk about sports and shit all the time, so suck it up if we want to talk about vibrators, bra’s and shoes occasionally.
c) Email your roomate and inform him that he needs to find other places to have sex with the link to buy '101 places to have sex before you die' on amazon.com d) Put on a worried expression and ask your roomate if his girlfriend is okay because you heard her screaming earlier; hopefully he gets embarrassed enough to ensure she doesnt scream again.
As for the man versus machine issue… guys, trust me…. There is no replacement for the real deal. If vibrators are the entrée, you boys, are the main meal.
“Whoever said that diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never experienced the joy that a well chosen vibrator can give.”
Reader’s question I’m a student, and I live in a commune with several other people, which is fun, most of the time, the only problem is that we all live in such close quarters together, that I often hear my housemates’, um, intimate activities… Any advice on how to avoid this?
Option c) is abit of a dick move so personally I would go with option b) or d).
Kelly M’s Reply
Shaggie Maggie’s reply
You have four options here: a) Leave your commune while your roomate is busy b) Muffle the noise with music/hairdryer/tumble dryer
Living in the urban jungle comes hand-in-hand with some obvious disadvantages. All of us will at some point or another probably live in an apartment building, a hostel, a share house or complex. Living in such close proximity to other people inevitably comes with these slight
inconveniences. The one you mentioned, I must admit, is by far the worst! It is the ultimate suburban trademark noise that we all have had to put up with at one point or another. The unmistakable noise of your neighbour’s passionate love making. But if we live in an urban jungle, how can we expect not to stumble upon the occasional mating call? I’m sure you will agree with me that it always seems to be that the neighbour will be having an extremely good streak of jungle luck when it just so happens that you yourself have not seen ass for the past 6 months. There is nothing worse than overhearing pah-pah-pah coming through the wall when you yourself are in desperate, desperate need of a good shagging. So, no matter which side of the wall you find yourself on, here are some practical pointers to make urban living more bearable for all of us.
i.e. tumble on the tumble dryer. Always a fun way to wait for the spin-cycle to pass. Don’t get too comfortable in your disguises though. Your neighbour will obviously smell smoke if you play the same playlist every time you get down and funky. Nothing says “I’m getting jiggy” more than Roxette’s greatest hits blurting from your apartment when everybody in the building knows that you usually listen to heavy metal.
“It is the ultimate suburban trademark noise that we all have had to put up with at one point or another.” Then again, you can always just invite the neighbours over to join in the party, that way you don’t have to worry about what they might overhear. Unless of course you live next to your parents, or old people. Actually, if you live next to old people, you probably don’t have this problem – they can’t hear you.
First of all, there are many, many, many ways in which you can muffle the sounds of your rumble and tumble. The washing machine, TV, CD player and tumble dryer all provide simple but effective background noise to your extra curricular activities. Some obvious advantages of making use of these everyday household appliances include getting your washing and business done all in one swoop as well as saving water by showering in pairs. Multitasking is the ultimate survival skill for any urban citizen. Furthermore, you can even incorporate your appliances to play supporting roles in your little pleasure playtime
If you can’t beat them and weren’t invited to join them, consider this before you pop your iPod in your ears: listen up, you might just pick up some good tips from your friendly neighbour. After all, he/she is the one actually getting some. 7
r Cee, I read on the internet about ball cancer. Am I at risk? And how can I not get it?
Lumpy Nuts Dear Lumpy Nuts, Testicular (or ball, as you so eloquently put it) cancer occurs mainly in men in their twenties. No worries though, it’s easy to treat if detected early! And how does one pick it up? The next time you’re fiddling down there, make sure to fondle the twins as well, and if anything feels lumpy or enlarged: confirm a while later and then tell a urologist. Kisses! Dr Cee xxx Dr Cee, My girlfriend wants to squeeze my zits. Do I make her stop or go with the, er, juicy flow? Spotty Zebra My darling Spotty Zebra, Pimples are, unfortunately, a gross part of life. I’d be happy if I were you, most women would only offer to do such yucky tasks for someone truly they love, or at least want to improve before sleeping with. The best cures for pimples are washing your skin daily and, believe it or not, squeezing, as it rids the face of the mangy grit that caused them in the first place. 8
But be sure to get her to wash her hands first, or things are going to get even mangier.
Well, you can tell your, um, friend that priapsm, or prolonged erection, can be a painful and disheartening experience for many men. The blood supplying your member, which gets backlogged during an erection, is needed to keep it healthy, and, well, not gangrenous.
Stay clean, Dr Cee xxx Dr Cee,
So, if thinking of dead puppies doesn’t calm you down in 12 hours, it’s time to see a doctor, or risk permanently damaging it.
Sometimes, after a long workout session in the gym, I get really nauseas and stiff. Is there anything I can do to prevent this? And is it normal?
Dr Cee xxx
Dear Gym Monkey,
Every body who works out feels stiff and queasy at times. You can try taking a break on alternate days, or not pushing yourself so hard. Not gymming really helps solve this problem, but then you’d be faced with obesity and diabetes. So yeah, your choices are: suck it up or become a podgy. Choose wisely…
How many alcohol units can I drink in a week? And what exactly is a unit? Young and Free Dear Young and Free,
My, um, friend was wondering what’s up with people on Grey’s Anatomy complaining about having hard-ons that won’t go away… I don’t really see how that could be a problem!
An alcohol unit is defined as 40ml of pure alcohol or one standard measurement of what they serve in clubs – for example one shot, one beer, one glass of wine. More than two and you shouldn’t drive, more than three and you’re binge drinking. Don’t drink more than 21 units a week, and make sure you have at least two booze free days a week. More than that and you are paving your way to liver disease and bankruptcy.
Stronger for Longer
Dear Stronger for Longer,
Dr Cee xxx
Dr Cee xxx Dr Cee,
By BEYERS DE VOS he First thing you notice about Mariska Spoelstra is how approachable she is. She really is the girl next door, though this isnâ€™t something youâ€™d see when looking at the photos from her latest professional shoots. In front of
The Stats: Age: 21 Studying: Cosmetology From: Pretoria Rugby team: The Bulls Favourite player: Pierre Spies
the camera, she’s model extraordinaire: sexy, glamorous and confident. She oozes sensuality. There is something captivating in her photos, a perfect mixture of seduction and aloofness. I don’t usually buy into this enigma, but she captures it beautifully. Which is why I was surprised to learn that she’s new to the industry. At 21, this is one of her first professional shoots. She competed in FHM models last year, but doesn’t model full time. When I asked her whether she plans to, she paused before saying “I don’t want to be one of those people who spends life making plans.” She’s interested, sure, but she has other things on her mind. She wants to finish her degree and then hopefully start her own hairstyling business. For her, there’s more to life than model work. But does she enjoy it? Absolutely: “It’s fun. You get to meet new people, and do new things.” 22
What is her impression of the industry? “It’s not as hectic as I thought it would be. People are very nice, and the girls are normal.” And what about guys? “Guys have to be honest, and confident. I don’t like arrogance, or games,” she muses. “I want a buddy, someone who is my lover and my best friend. Someone mature, but who still knows how to have fun.” And what, then, is her idea of fun? “My idea of fun would be anything, as long as I’m in good company, it’s not the places, it’s the faces! I love getting all glammed up and having a party, but I equally love relaxing at home with great friends and good wine. I have fun everywhere I go!” And the future? She wants to do Miss South Africa next year. “You have to be fearless,” she tells me earnestly, then laughs - an endearing, unexpected chuckle, which permeates our interview and accompanies almost everything she says. It also embodies almost everything about her. I don’t take any of this too seriously, it seems to be saying. “You have to be excited about life. Whatever I do, I want have fun. I want to be happy. It’s very important to be happy.” Oh, and before I forget, I have to ask, boxers or briefs? “Boxers,” she giggles, “but not the silky kind.” 23
outh Africa is filled with ambitious and determined men and every month we will be featuring someone that has inspired us. This month we had the opportunity to talk to the first person ever to unicycle around Mauritius. Yes, unicycle. Chris Coetzer has always dreamed of having his own adventure and would not even let a cyclone get in his way. Full name: Christoffel Jacobus Coetzer Age: 23 years old Occupation: Adventurer What inspired you to make this trip round Mauritius? Itâ€™s been a life long dream of mine to be an adventurer and to do something extraordinary with my life. I also fancied the Robinson Crusoe idea for a long time, having my own adventure on an island like nobody else before. My adventurous spirit was further awoken by reading books like Riaan Manserâ€™s Around on my bicycle and books by Johan Bakkes; Moer toe die vreemde in and Norrevok. Why a unicycle? I love a challenge and going where no man has gone before. I originally had the idea of circumnavigating the island on my feet until my dad had a moment of brilliance and suggested I do it on a unicycle. 25
How did you get in shape for your trip? My training programme lot of miracles happened for consisted of 5 rides a week everything to fall into place in with 4 of the rides being such a short time as I was also around 20km per day and one busy with my Honours degree long ride per week which and final exams. varied from 40-50km. I also What was your favourite did a lot of body conditioning moment of the trip? My and Pilates for the vital core favourite and most stability and strength. memorable moment of my How did you keep yourself adventure was the last day, 29 motivated during the trip? I December 2009. A had a brilliant physiotherapist cyclone had hit the which also served as my island which made psychologist, Kamlesh Newaj. conditions on the road He gave me good advice and very bad and almost motivational support impossible to ride on. whenever I wanted to give up Having to have gone and felt that things got too through a few river-like much. I also got a lot of roads and finally support from my family and finishing this adventure the Mauritian people was an awesome and surreal experience. Just themselves. shows you that having How long did you plan for the faith and following your trip? Planning started in dreams definitely pays September 2009 and ended a off. few hours before I set off. A 26
What did you learn about yourself during your trip? I learnt that when I take the first step, God will do the rest. I also got to know myself much better in terms of my physical limits and exactly what it means to be in the public spotlight and being able to do so much more than I originally thought possible.
Getting Your Fix – In and Out of the City
If jumping off buildings isn’t for you and you consider yourself a more down to earth kind of guy, then take a hike. Luckily there are various interesting hiking trails near Johannesburg and Pretoria. The Johannesburg Hiking Club offers day hikes every Sunday and Wednesday at places like the Botanical Gardens, Braamfontein Spruit and Melville Koppies. The Club also offers longer hikes once a month in areas such as the Drakensberg and along the Cape and Natal coastlines. Annual subscription for the Club is R260 and further costs depend on the specific hikes or camps. The Club has trails for people of all fitness levels and anyone can attend a hike as a visitor, in which case visitor fees apply. To join the Club or for more information visit www.jhbhiking.org.za Trails to try: The Penduka hiking trails near Bronkhorstspruit in the eZemvelo Nature Reserve. While the lengths of the trails vary, they are all considered easy. www.footprint.co.za The Elephant walks in Knysna are available as day or overnight trips and range from 7 to 15 km of moderate terrain. www.knysnaforesttours.co.za For the more experienced hikers or mountain climbers, a trip to Sentinel Peak in the Drakensburg. www.drakensbergventures.co.za
o you need something to supplement your daily gym or else, you’ll get bored, and boredom doesn’t fit well into your busy schedule, does it? You need more excitement. Have you heard of Parkour? Every time you watch an action movie and see someone jumping between buildings, that’s Parkour. This activity requires strength and stamina and is therefore a great form of exercise. This is a very good way of building up your strength, while exploring the city in search of that adrenalin rush. Parkour South Africa offers workshops to anyone who is interested every Thursday from 17:00 until 20:00. The workshops are held at Urban X Skatepark in Sunninghill and only cost R60. For more information visit www.parkour.co.za Tips of the trade: Wear shoes that have good grip, are light and comfortable. At the beginning it helps to practice separate elements of a move before attempting the complete movement. To be successful in Parkour you need to condition your body and this includes following a healthy diet. 27
By NICOLE CRAMPTON
o-Shin Do was established by American ninja master Stephen K. Hayes as a means of teaching ninjutsu in a more “user friendly” style to the western society. It is now practised in several countries around the world. To-Shin Do is more than just a physical journey, but a mental and spiritual journey as well. “Don’t become a victim” says the bold type on the To-Shin Do pamphlet.
“Don’t become a victim” This form of martial arts gives you the ability to live your life. This art of self-defence helps us to be able to defend ourselves, if the occasion 28
arises. Would you be caught unable to defend yourself?
The movements are simple, yet very effective, and use a minimum amount of effort to create the maximum result. The group classes involve a variety of levels as well as a variety of different attack sequences, the more senior students helped me out with the movements by telling me what they found works for them, e.g. bending more here or swivelling there. They also helped by showing me what part of the
This martial art will not only teach you how to defend yourself, but will be able to train you for specific circumstances, including: grappling, throwing, choking, and joint-locking. Striking, kicking, and punching. Stick, blade, cord, and projectile weapons training. Techniques will be taught to successfully handle multiple assailants and surprise attacks. You will also learn to overcome psychological intimidation.
“for all those gym bunnies out there, you’ll know this hectically works your legs muscles”
Two group classes are offered a week for just R450 a month, and if you want a private class it’s R250/hour. Group classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 18:00 – 19:00, placed conveniently on the corner of Duncan and South Street, Hatfield, Pretoria. I went to see for myself what was happening in this dojo, by taking advantage of the free introductory class. The starting position for majority of the attacks involves standing with your knees bent, for all those gym bunnies out there, you’ll know this hectically works your legs muscles, and since it’s the starting position, you’ll have great leg muscles after a while. The basic position also involves holding your hands up in front of you, which will tone your arms as well. All this and you haven’t even started moving yet.
movement we were doing incorrectly. All this on top of help from the Sensei, Rick Bothma. We can’t all be a hundred percent prepared for everything that life throws at us, but with this extensive user friendly self-defending martial art, we’re just that little bit closer to that hundred percent. For further information check out the website: http://www.toshindosa.co.za or if you’re in the Hatfield area, go for that free introductory class. 29
\One Night in Paris Without the 5 Star Hotels
By EDWARD RIDGWELL
love Europe. Its attitude and style appeals to my being in a way that means if I become a multibillionaire I will buy a shack in the middle of Paris and drive a small French soft-top car to pick up baguettes and cheese and wine. France made me realise a few things about the world. Firstly, what they said about travelling is correct. It does open the mind up to new experiences and expose you to a feast of other peopleâ€™s ideas and beliefs. I feel my soul ate its long due meal for fine art in Paris. I sat surrounded by golden architecture, stylish people and when I negated my way in a museum for free, I was inundated with artworks that made me understand my parentsâ€™ constant annoyance that I never liked art. It was amazing. Monet, Rembrandt and Van Gogh were centimetres from my eyes and unprotected, no bullet-proof 30 glass to hinder their amazing effect.
I travelled from quaint, but boring, Wiltshire to London to Paris where I would spend the next 2 nights. Fantastic, an entire day in Paris! We started at 10am and headed out from my family’s friends’ house to the train station, where we
toys. After the day spent with my step dad, I floated around Paris and met some Australian girls who wanted to go to the Eiffel tower for wine, a baguette and some French cheese. We did so and as the sun set over Paris we ate under the Eiffel tower and talked about things. Mostly
“if I become a multibillionaire I will buy a shack in the middle of Paris and drive a small French soft-top car to pick up baguettes and cheese and wine” caught a train into the heart of Paris. A 20 minute journey. On the trains, I was amazed at how rude the French are. They can run into you at full pace and not even turn round to apologise. I figured it’s the density of Paris that makes violent human interaction prominent, and they’re dressed so well that it doesn’t really matter. I’ll just stand aside more often. Oh and learn French so I know where I’m going… The obvious bits of Paris are very clean and very stylish on the outside and the tourist areas are busy and lovely. Fantastic! I saw Van Gogh paintings, Monet and others which expanded my mind for fine art. I was learning that the finer things in life are not the latest computer 31
about how much we hate the French for having this every day. After consuming some cheap wine and achieving the worst headache since my efforts as a 15 year old, I met up with my young female Parisian friend, Gala, who picked me up next to the Arc de Triomf. It was an odd time and place meet me-Algeria had drawn with England and the Algerian fans were out celebrating. Fearing that people would be set on fire, the
“we hate the French for having this every day” French anti-riot police were out. I was feeling confident that with my hybrid South African and English accent asking for directions, I would be made into a flambé....I’m sweet enough as it is.
place has a ‘dirty’ side. I guess South Africa’s dirty side is the line of poverty that, if it were life size, would take years to cross. Of all the things I’ve seen in the world, The Eiffel tower is one of the best. It doesn’t make Paris entirely, but it adds so much. I guess it took a world class city and a little magic for me to see that romance isn’t dead, it’s just buried under a million of life’s everyday issues that don’t actually exist...and yet they do. People are far too concerned with small things in life, like “what can I cook in 5 minutes, because I can’t be bothered?” So they plan their whole lives out in a mundane and boring manner, without taking a look at the bigger picture. The French are very passionate and this is what makes them different.
“The French are arrogant assholes, and the English hate them, but only because they understand that life needs to have passion and flare”
I was lucky enough to see the city at night and saw the Eiffel tower light up like a Christmas tree on crack. Gala took me around Paris and we relaxed on a small concrete island in the River Seine. That was her favourite place in Paris and I can see why. We drank Smirnoff Spin and the night twinkled on. Very lovely. Right up until some Frenchman stood 2 meters to our right and had a piss.
The French are arrogant assholes (and the English hate them), but only because they understand that life needs to have passion and flare for it to be interesting. Having a little arrogance and
I don’t know what it is about Paris, because it has a dirty side to it and yet I love it. I suppose every 32
selfishness has suddenly become a good thing in my life. Being this way gives you an edge that most people lack. Nice guys finish last nice guys arenâ€™t selfish and this is why they lose. Itâ€™s more to do with what makes you happy as opposed to what other people want. Satisfy yourself in life rather than others, as they will leave and let you hang for all they care. Having drinks on a bridge with musical instruments and food makes for a very soul soothing experience, which is a lot more exciting than complaining about how bored you are and how little money you have. Needless to say, I got in early that morning, hung over and with no train ticket to get to the South... But thatâ€™s another story for another issue.
START YOUR OWN CULT By MICHAEL VAN GELDER 34
ontrary to what you may believe, it is not that hard to get people to worship you and give you their money. Essentially, all it takes is a little charisma, a large extensive belief system that can easily be summed up into a catchy few lines, a little luck and a large social network of gullible people.
Become Arrogant A cult is nothing without a great leader, and in order to be an effective cult leader, you will need to command respect while still inspiring awe and fear in those around you. This is achieved in a variety of ways, the fastest, cheapest and quickest being to speak very loudly and in a deep voice. Try and picture somebody who commands respect and imitate that personâ€™s voice. It is also 35
very important to speak in such a manner that people dare not interrupt you, because if this happens, you will lose respect and authority. If somebody dares to interrupt you while you are talking, simply continue to talk over their voice, eventually drowning out whatever they were trying to say with your much more important message.
Become Weird Cult leaders are always crazy, but since actually being crazy is hardly any fun, you will need a unique personality quirk that will set you apart from all the other wannabe cult leaders out there. Think about it, and come up with something that will leave a memorable impression on potential acolytes to your cult. Some ideas include: unusual eating habits, strange dress sense, weird sex stuff
(preferably involving animals) or a fanatical aversion to germs. Of course, if actually developing one of these habits is too much work, remember that faking it is almost a prerequisite to successfully leading a cult.
Become a Fantasy Writer Now that you have mastered the basics, it is time to begin amassing a following. In order to do this, you will firstly need a message. This will form the central pillar of your cult, and so the more time you spend on it, the better. Ideally, make something up, preferably with aliens in it – hey, it worked for L Ron Hubbard! Try and think of a few catchy phrases that encompasses your new cult’s message. Something that sounds deep is good here, for example “Everything that has ever been alive or ever will be 36
alive; is.” See, on the surface it sounds meaningful and intellectual, but since I just made it up now, it really is just a load of nonsense. Still, people are always looking for meaning, and if a trite catchphrase makes them think they are getting it, then that is all the better for you.
Become an Advertising Executive Now that you have the basic philosophy of your cult down, you can almost begin recruiting. Before you start, you need to think of a cool name for your cult, something that sounds mysterious and a little bit dangerous. This will ensure that people want to join and be part of it. Either try to bring in some sort of meta-physical aspect to your cult name, for example, “The Glorious Order of Majestic
Stars”, or go for a more scientific sounding name, as if there is actually some kind of research and belief behind the whole thing; for example, “Taxostronomy”.
Become Revered Marketing your cult is the most difficult part of becoming a cult leader, and so you will need to be tricky here. The most powerful form of marketing is viral marketing, where you “infect” a few people, and they spread your message to others. There’s a whole complex system to this, and I can’t cover it all here, but here’s some promises you can make to help convert your first disciples: Promise to change the world. Promise them a better life.
Promise them freedom. Promise to fulfil their every desire. Promise them happiness. Promise them answers to their every question. Of course, since they will eventually be worshipping you slavishly, nothing will make them happier than to serve you. So technically, you’re not really lying... As a bonus pointer, seek out those who are having trouble in their lives, such as alcoholics, criminals, the homeless and the easilyimpressionably stray children, as they will be most easily lead astray by promises of a better life.
Become a Movie Villain Now that you have a few converts, you can get your cult 38
started in earnest. I recommend establishing a commune somewhere, stockpiling guns and ammunition and brainwashing your followers into believing that you are saving them, from themselves and from the outside world. Do this subtly by painting the world outside the commune as a dangerous place that only you can protect them from.
Become Wanted by the FBI Your ultimate goal here is to render them totally helpless, unable to function in normal society. From there, you can pretty much do whatever you want with your new cult, from the aforementioned weird sex stuff, to taking over the world. Have fun with it! After all, that’s the whole reason you started a cult in the first place, isn’t it?
“The Dutch have always been known to do things out of the ordinary”
prostitution also fuels this habit of revelling in atypical behaviour – being allowed to have all your sexual fantasies satisfied can only corrupt your mind. Add to this a dagga and hashcocktail – and cue the impairment of judgment.
By JOHN COLTRAIN
n Austin Powers, after noting that the supervillain Goldmember sheds his skin and collects it in a lovely holder, Dr Evil calls him a “crazy Dutch bastard.” The Dutch have always been known to do things out of the ordinary, with many experts putting this down to The Netherlands’ lax view towards marijuana and other natural uppers. It could be that
One group who can supplement this thought is a group who call themselves The Oranje Trophy. These people are ardent Dutch
supporters, who believe in their team, and are willing to go the extra mile to show their support. In fact, allow me to correct myself; drive the extra 16,000 miles. The Oranje Trophy decided that they will be unorthodox. They would do something which was last done over two centuries ago. They would come to Africa – not by plane or boat, but by cars.
successfully, it would have to be a joint effort. They discussed the best routes, looking to avoid all dangerous territories, but at the same time to see Africa’s landmarks and spectacles. They wanted to trek along the Nile, see the Serengeti and blaze with the Rastafarians in the Ethiopian highlands. These Dutch would have no other option but to head through the east again. Only this time, they would not be allowed to shackle slaves and send them off on boats. If something went wrong, they themselves would have to put in the hours of labour.
“They wanted to trek along the Nile, see the Serengeti and blaze with the Rastafarians in the Ethiopian highlands.”
And so, on April 3 2010, 22 orange vehicles set off on the ultimate adventure – a trip through 11 countries, lasting 3 months. Authorities were notified and tensely awaited the convoy’s arrival. They would suffer only one fatality on
First up, plenty of meetings, enhanced by pancakes and beer. Sponsors ensued and cars were painted bright orange. Trips to tailors were made, so that they could all have tigerprint safari-suits, complete with safari helmets, fabricated from metal and covered in tiger-print. They would re-conquer Africa in style. For this Herculean task to be completed 42
their trip – one soul was claimed by Lake Malawi. No river or lake could halt the rest.
buoyancy vests, complete with whistles. This Armada was ready to fly. When they got to the land of the Vuvuzela, they were almost immediately confronted by a feeling of nausea. Having braved airport security, they were toppled by the epitome of
So meticulously planned was this journey that on June 11, the day the World Cup kicked-off, The Oranje Trophy rolled into Pretoria and setup camp near the Voortrekker Monument, joining the Dutch Embassy as honorary guests to watch the opening match: Bafana’s draw to Mexico.
“the Spanish supporters decided that they would make use of the maligned Iberia Airlines to get them safely to the South of Africa.”
On the contrary, the Spanish supporters decided that they would make use of the maligned Iberia Airlines to get them safely to the South of Africa. They risked dodgy airplane food, and being seated next to oversized passengers. With one swipe of their credit cards, tickets would be booked, requiring only a signature to be authorised. Painstakingly they lugged their baggage onto the conveyor belts at the airport; took up their seats on the plane, and warily listened to the safety instructions. If all else failed, they would have oxygen and
neutrality. Switzerland knocked them over 1-0. The Armada were silenced, albeit temporarily, and riled their troops over the next six games. The Oranje Trophy, on the other hand, looked invincible. They beat the mighty Brazil into submission, and in the process their captain, Giovanni van Bronckhorst even had a town named in his honour. All who stood in their way were made to be molehills.
Eventually though, the Armada came in, and it became obvious that The Orange Trophy could not float. It stayed afloat for an impressive 117 minutes.
The Spaniards came by plane; they saw; and they conquered. The Spaniards came by plane; they saw; and they conquered. The Orange Trophy, logic having been restored after basking in the fresh air of the Highveld, decided enough was enough. So they drove their cars down to the city where Jan van Riebeeck first landed in 1652. They said ship them home; were flying. One time.
Your intelligence might affect your chances of losing your virginity…
more likely to engage in promiscuity. For whatever reason, this idea has been reinforced in countless movies and TV series, to the point of becoming cliché. In contrast, those studying a “more difficult” degree, such as advanced mathematics, chemistry or biochemistry, are expected to be more reserved, shy and obviously less likely to engage in promiscuous sex.
recently released study, taken on the Massachusetts’ women’s arts campus Wellesley College, has revealed some interesting statistics that purports to link virginity, or the loss thereof, and one’s choice of study path. The statistics, while not scientifically accurate or even able to be expanded to the general population, do raise some interesting points. Why is it that every Studio Arts major has had sex, while only 17% of every mathematics and chemistry/biochemistry major has engaged in some form of bedroom gymnastics? Is it that people studying degrees that are thought to be more difficult are more conservative and thus less promiscuous? Or does the stereotype apply here, that more intelligent people are nerdy and therefore less attractive?
“Why is it that every Studio Arts major has had sex, while only 17% of every mathematics and chemistry/biochemistry major has engaged in some form of bedroom gymnastics?”
Our preconceived ideas are that students studying a so-called “lesser” degree are generally 45
While some of the figures would seem to conform to our stereotypes, there are others which are totally different. The psychology figure,
for instance, stands at 70%. In South Africa, psychology is generally seen as a “Mickey mouse” degree by many people, and as such should have a much lower percentage of virgins studying in that degree. Likewise, the figure for English as a degree stands at 50%, and again, according to our South African expectations, this degree is usually seen as being “worthless”, and should have a
“studio arts and anthropology are not slutty fields in and of themselves” higher percentage of “non-virgins” than it currently does. Another figure that defies expectations is that of the neuroscience, which is generally agreed to be quite a difficult degree, and should therefore produce a greater number of virgins. At the end of the day, everybody will be unique, and while some people will naturally gravitate towards a more “slutty” field of study or career, there will be an equal number of those who are inclined towards a more “conservative” subject and job choice. So while studio arts and 46
anthropology are not slutty fields in and of themselves, it is certainly true of this study that the people studying in them have had far more sex than those studying any in other field.
Field of study
Percentage of virgin students Studio art 0% Anthropology 20% Neuroscience 25% Art history 37% Computer science 40% Spanish 43% English 50% French 50% Philosophy 57% History 62% Economics 65% Undeclared 68% Psychology 70% International relations 71% Biology 72% Political science 73% Chemistry/biochemistry 83% Mathematics 83%