Premier Issue – August 29, 2010
Lionheart Times Your Community. Your News.
CITY AWAITS ELECTION RESULTS Results of Chamber of Commerce's Chairperson Election Coming Monday; Early Polls Show Windlow Lead LIONHEART EMBASSY, LEBEAU – Elections for the Chairperson of Lionheart's resident-run Chamber of Commerce commenced with a meeting this past Friday, the 27th and continue through the weekend, with Chamber members deciding by vote if their next leader will be Sookie Slafford or Clover Windlow. An early exit poll conducted by the Times shows Windlow leading by a considerable margin, but the actual results will not be known until tomorrow, the 30th. Both candidates have expressed satisfaction with running a clean campaign, and even joke about being “bad politicians”. Neither could speak ill of the other during the meeting. When asked what differences divide the two, Windlow answered that the only business-related difference she knows of between herself and her opponent is Windlow's opposition to market pricing for bunnies, calling it “price-fixing” and detrimental to competition. Windlow was quick to add that she does not raise bunnies; Slafford, successful owner of Jolly Farm, does. With so many ideas for the Chamber in common (including a greater frequency of meetings, instructional workshops, and community-themed promotional events held within Lionheart), both candidates have stated that regardless of the winner of the election, both are committed to being of as much help to the Chamber as possible. “Regardless of who wins,” said Slafford at the meeting, “we both intend to be involved.” This is a hope that both express will be shared by the Chamber at large as well. The meeting was held at the new Chamber of Commerce Building, which is located in the sim of Lebeau as part of Lionheart's Mainland Embassy. The building is not without its bugs, being a work in progress, but otherwise proved to be an excellent accommodation for the assembled Chamber of Commerce. The Chamber is a resident-run organization of business owners here in Lionheart, and is open to all local business owners (who may join by way of their own rent terminal, by clicking on it, then “My Account”, then “Groups”, then “Chamber”). The Chamber's goal is to cooperatively help organize and promote business throughout Lionheart.
Emerald: Is It Safe Now? Last week's Modular Systems shakeup leaves Residents wondering where to go from here by Mistletoe Ethaniel Phillip Linden issued a statement on Tuesday, August 24th, denouncing the Emerald Viewer's Denial-of-Servic (DoS) attack and announcing the removal of Modular Systems' wildly popular viewer from the Third Party Viewer list. In his statement, Linden adds, “We will not tolerate a viewer that includes malicious code, nor will we tolerate development teams with a history of violating users’ trust or disrupting their lives.” This statement leaves many residents shocked and surprised, and wondering what to do next. While some question the motives behind the Lab's statement, suggesting an elaborate plot on behalf of Linden Lab to destroy their competition, information made public by Modular Systems' administrators themselves shows that something was indeed fishy with the Emerald Viewer. Although Modular Systems' mouthpiece Arabella Steadham denies that the attack was in fact a DoS attack, she does acknowlege “shenanigans” in an August 20 blog post. “This idea was to target a blog owned by a creator of a malicious viewer, and boast of the traffic Emerald has captured. The method for doing this was to add links to the Emerald log in page linked to said blog. Each time anyone logged in, our page loaded up and also the other page loaded up – simply to show off our volume of traffic,” writes Steadham. “This was not a DDoS. This was a poor attempt at boasting that failed miserably. Once we discovered this, these links were deleted and the dev concerned was disciplined.” More information surfaced over the following days, including the revelation via a leaked YouTube video that the “dev concerned” was none other than Fractured Crystal, one of the founding developers of the Emerald Viewer project. Crystal announced his resignation from Modular Systems on Monday the 22nd, saying, “For what it is worth, I am sorry to those of you who were unknowingly made a part of the login screen incident.” While this apology (cont.)
Candidates Clover Windlow (l.) and Sookie Slafford exchange a glance during Friday's electorial meeting. (Photo: Sookie Slafford)
Who's the next Chairperson? • Election results Monday • “Extra” edition of the Times on Tuesday Follow results in the Lionheart Times. Your Community. Your News.
Unwelcome “Police Force” Run Out of Town Antics of “Second Life Police Department” end in banning, sharp warning from Big Lion TIMON – A group calling itself the “Second Life Police Department” has been making trouble lately for Lionheart residents; trouble which ultimately resulted in a warning from estate owner Dirk Klees (see sidebar, page 2) and permanent banning from the Lionheart estate for at least one troublemaker and his known alts. In a dramatic turn of events, one “lawofficer Peapod” harrassed and verbally abused residents, evenstriking them with vehicles, before being unceremoniously ejected from the estate by estate manager Xavion Saltair. It was just the last in a series of bizarre events instigated by Peapod in the weekend before last. It all began on Friday night, the 20th, when—during an event at the Wee Little Irish Pub in Timon—a police cruiser was driven by Peapod into the pub's front door. Pub owner Mistletoe Ethanie land her patrons were told by Peapod that there was a new police department coming soon to Lionheart. (see next page)
Peapod's vehicle (Photo: Clover Windlow)
Event Listings................3 Classified.......................3 Business.........................4 Opinion/Editorial...........5 Features.........................6
Lionheart Times – August 29, 2010 – Page 2
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(continued from page 1) was sufficient for many Emerald users to continue to trust Modular Systems and the viewer, others have publicly denounced the user, stating that they either have uninstalled or will uninstall the viewer and have even changed their Second Life passwords for added security. What is known is this: when the attack (DoS or otherwise) occurred, all users of the Emerald Viewer were unwittingly sending anywhere from 20 to 32 lines of code (reports vary) to the webserver of one Hazim Gazov, himself an admitted author of a “black-hat” Second Life client and outspoken Emerald critic. The infamous “Shenanigans” post by Modular Systems plays the act off as a mere prank, but it was a “prank” to which hundreds and possibly thousands of Emerald users were made part without their knowledge or consent. Worse, a DoS attack is an illegal act, in which participants (knowing or not) can be implicated for criminal activity. Emerald developer Jessica Lyon, in an interview with Alphaville Herald's Pixleen Mistral, states that no actual damage was reported to Gazov's server. Now Modular Systems are attempting to clean up their image, and earn back the trust they've lost from so many customers. Second Life has not yet disabled logins by way of the Emerald viewer, but many residents are left wondering what they will do if this happens. “If they shut down Emerald Viewer..” writes designer Miyo Darcy in her own blog, “what should I use then to login Second Life? Oh my GOD! Horror-Scenario..I hope I dont have to use the Viewer 2.0 for the future.”
Peapod went on to say that he was hired by the estate owner to patrol for griefers, abuse, etc. in Lionheart. Peapod responded to the skepticism of the pub's patrons by stating that he was contacted by email by the estate owner. He was unable to name the estate owner at any time. Peapod was also joined by local RP enthusiast Timmy Bulmer, to whom Peapod referred as a “deputy”. Later in the evening, Peapod followed Ethaniel and friend Violet Ormenthal, who had just finished a shift at the pub, to Ethaniel's other business, Manic Elf Media. At the bookstore he was confronted again about his implausible story about being hired by the estate owner. Peapod —and later Bulmer—were asked to leave the bookstore after an all-caps tantrum by Peapod. The following day, the so-called police officers were brought to the attention of Dirk Klees, who responded to the situation with an announcement stating that he had hired no such police force, and provided a link to a blog post (reposted on page 1). Later the same day, at Howdy Neighbor Day in Pumbaa, both Peapod and Bulmer were present. Bulmer, according to witnesses, seemed to disavow any connection to the police force, likely having seen the error of associating with what many consider to be little more than a group of griefers in badges. Peapod, however, remained insistent that Lionheart administration take his offer to assist in policing the city seriously. Witnesses report that Peapod gave out unwanted notecards, shouted, and used adult language while speaking out of turn. Immediately after the informal meeting, a griefer attack was reported in the northwestern portion of Timon by an unknown avatar. The attack included fire and vehicles. Xavion Saltair was immediately on the scene to dispatch the griefer. Immediately after the unnamed avatar's expulsion, Peapod arrived on the scene to ask if the griefer—whom he named in local chat— was still present. Saltair warned Peapod that his transparently obvious sockpuppet attack was a violation of both Lionheart's Covenant and Second Life's Terms of Service (ToS). Peapod then became agitated. Following is verbatim local chat at the time of the incident, (with names of bystanders redacted pending their consent): [19:10] lawofficer Peapod: THIS WAS NOT ME IT WAS NOT MY ACCOUNT [19:10] lawofficer Peapod: YOU CANNOT LINK THIS TO ME [19:10] [bystander 1]: Hey Clover [19:10] Clover Windlow waves [19:10] Xavion Saltair: I totally link it to you, not only do I stand right in front of not one, but two of your parcels. You just so happened to "coincidently" show up after I removed a griefer from the estate. [19:10] [bystander 1] car crashes...fires....griefers..you name it... [19:10] Xavion Saltair: Then you rhetorically asked me if I removed them, and you gave their name. [19:11] Xavion Saltair: It doesn't take a rocket scientist sir. [19:11] lawofficer Peapod: I told you I am a better cop then you think sir As more bystanders gathered to watch the scene, Peapod continued to deny his involvment; Saltair informed him as to the thinness of the ice upon which he was skating, stating, “You have land here - and to be honest that is the only thing holding me back from pressing a certain button.”
Bystanders watch Xavion Saltair's confrontation with lawofficer Peapod (Photo: Clover Windlow)
Amazingly, Peapod stuck to his delusion, even bringing in another deputy (or as he calls it, “REO”, for Resident Enforcement Officer) to investigate the scene of the imaginary crime. When Peapod mentioned money missing from a nearby club's tip jar, it caused bystander Clover Windlow to shout, “YOU CAN'T ROB A TIP JAR.” Peapod responded to Windlow's words with obscenities, rude names, and finally—driven to desperation—he got into a taxicab and drove into where Windlow stood. It was apparently the second vehicular attack made by Peapod just that evening, as an witnesses report another such assault earlier. It was also the final straw. Saltair then and there banished Peapod, sending him spinning sans vehicle down the streets of Timon. Immediately thereafter, his parcels were revoked and cleaned up by Saltair and Klees. But this was still not the end of Peapod's exploits. In what can only be described as a final act of adolescent rage, he appeared in the guise of an alt. [19:31] [19:31] [19:31] [19:31]
Xavion Saltair stands beside the bare parcel where lawofficer Peapod's “Pure” Club stood just seconds before. (photo: Clover Windlow)
Lambert1122 Follet: PEAPODS BACK [expletive]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lambert1122 Follet: HAHAHAHAHAHA Lambert1122 Follet: AHAHAHAHAHAH Lambert1122 Follet: [expletive] U ALL
The alt was, of course, summarily banned. Thus, it would appear, end one individual's dream of throwing his weight around in Lionheart, and indeed the likely hopes of any future “police forces” wishing to invite themselves into town.
About Role-Playing at Lionheart Dear Residents, We’ve heard about some role-players visiting some of you and informing you they were officially hired police officers or even Lionheart Staff and they will look for your safety. Rest assured that this is not the case. While we have no problem with casual urban role-play as long as every participant respects the covenant, as well as the fact that others might not be interested in participating and won’t involve them without their consent, we do have a problem when someone forces a role upon someone else and specially when it comes to false claims.
Reminder: Contributions for each SUNDAY issue of the Times are due by noon SLT the previous FRIDAY. SLLionheartTimes@gmail.com
All staff members have the group “LIONHEART Staff” shown in their profile. That makes it easy for you to verify if someone really works for Lionheart or not. There will never be a case of “third party contractors” or similar constellations. If someone doesn’t have a “LIONHEART Staff” membership in their profile, they are not working for us.
In such cases, please use our Abuse Report system to inform us about such things, so we’re able to react. Please provide any helpful evidence in your abuse report such as chat logs or even a screen shot, as that would help us a lot. You always can ban such a person from entering your parcel. To do this, right click your land and go: About Land > Access > Banned Residents > Add… Here, you can enter this person’s user name and add them this way to your parcel’s banlist. They will no longer be able to access your land. Don’t react further on them, and use our Abuse Report system to report us this issue. Thank you for your understanding and colaboration. Yours sincerely, Dirk Klees Lionheart Owner Reprint from here.
Around Lionheart All Week
Thursday, September 2
Ongoing – Lionheart Outdoor Film & Radio Theater, Nuka – My Man Godfrey (1936) starring William Powell and Carole Lombard – Now Playing
4 PM – Wee Little Irish Pub, Timon – DJ Colette Chadborne (Celtic)
Monday, August 30 4 PM – Wee Little Irish Pub, Timon – post-election party hosted Clover Windlow, all invited 6 PM - Wee Little Irish Pub, Timon – DJ Symmetry Munro (ecclectic; bluegrass, Celtic)
Tuesday, August 31 Your club's listing could be here! Send in your weekly event calendar today!
Wednesday, September 1 6 PM - Wee Little Irish Pub, Timon – DJ Rusty Verne (Celtic)
Your club's listing could be here! Send in your weekly event calendar today!
Friday, September 3 3 PM – Lionheart Auditorium, Pumbaa – Open Mic @ Lion's Poetry Club, host Morgue McMillan Your club's listing could be here! Send in your weekly event calendar today!
Saturday, September 4 2 PM - Wee Little Irish Pub, Timon – DJ Rusty Verne (Celtic) 4PM - Wee Little Irish Pub, Timon – DJ Dave93 Nieuport (Irish trad & rock)
Sunday, September 5 Your club's listing could be here! Send in your weekly event calendar today!
Romantic comedy My Man Godfrey, now playing at the Lionheart Outdoor Film & Radio Theater in Nuka.
Want to have your event listed here? Either send a NC (at the Times mailbox, or directly to Clover Windlow), an email to SLLionheartTimes@gmail.com , or give a URL to an events calendar. Event listings in the Times are
Classified Real Estate – Commercial
Up-to-the-minute Commercial land listings in Lionheart: Visit here anytime.
They could have been reading your ad right now. Advertise in the Times. Contact Mistletoe Ethaniel or Clover Windlow.
DJ WANTED – Shifts available @ Wee Little Irish Pub in Timon. Irish music preferred, not required. IM Mistletoe Ethaniel.
CELTIC FAIRY TALES – New on shelves at Manic Elf Book Store, Nuka 238, 226, 28. Ten stories, 72 pages.
REPORTERS WANTED – Work for the Times! Free 2x3” ad per contribution (excludes Classified Ads, Event Listings, & Letters to Editor).
NEW FOOD & DRINK – @ Clover's Kitchen: Baked goods (great w/coffee—we got that too!) and 8 kinds of sushi. Mohatu 76,20,29.
They could have been reading your ad right now. Advertise in the Times. Contact Mistletoe Ethaniel or Clover Windlow.
Real Estate – Residential Up-to-the-minute Residential land listings in Lionheart: Visit here anytime.. They could have been reading your ad right now. Advertise in the Times. Contact Mistletoe Ethaniel or Clover Windlow.
FREE AD! Your 2”x3” ad in this paper. FREE with your contribution to the Times (excluding Classified Ads, Event Listings, & Letters to Editor). Contribution and Ad must be received by Friday for publication following Sunday. More info at the Times Building.
Work Wanted They could have been reading your ad right now. Advertise in the Times. Contact Mistletoe Ethaniel or Clover Windlow.
For Sale – Products
For Sale – Services Classified Ad in the Lionheart Times, up to 20 words + SLURL for L$50/week. Bold L$5 more; Box L$10 more.
Lionheart Times – August 29, 2010– Page 3
Lionheart Times – August 29, 2010 – Page 4
Business Ten Ways to Jump-Start Stagnant Sales by Mistletoe Ethaniel Just in case you haven’t read any of the blogs or forums, the economy in SL isn’t so grand right now. Businesses are seeing dryspells, regular customers are holding onto more of their Ls, and SL’s search hasn’t been the most reliable so new people are having a harder time finding your shop. You may be watching your own sales starting to dry up and wondering what can you do about it. Hang in there. Here are a few things you can do to bring back your old customers, and bring in new ones. 10. Revamp your store. It may be time to rearrange and reorganize things in your shop. Maybe you’ve been putting it off (I know I have…). While it’s quiet is a great time to really get things more organized. You may want new signage to replace the old; a new look makes your older customers interested in seeing what’s new. 9. Release some brand new products. When’s the last time your shop has had a new release? How often do you release new items? Monthly? Weekly? When you feel like it? A regular release schedule helps to get your customers anticipating new products from you. 8. Out With The Old. I made some products when I was very first starting out that were pretty good and reasonably priced (and probably underpriced, but I digress). Since then, I’ve gotten better at what I make, and you probably have too. The older products, much as I enjoyed them, just weren’t up to scratch compared with the newer stuff. So I got rid of them… but not before offering them at a clearance price for a couple last weeks. Just like in RL, people love a clearance sale. 7. Remind your customers you exist. Do you have a shop group? Are you sending out an average of one message per week? If not, you should. Remember that more than that can be bothersome; too many messages and people will get annoyed and leave the group. Once a week is a good rule of thumb. Feature a product once per week, whether it’s something brand new, something that ties in with a RL movie release, something that goes with the time of year, or something that would make a good gift. Put a LM in with the announcement.
Coming soon to this spot: Correspondent Risa Gothly presents in-depth interviews with local business owners. Want her to feature your business? Send an IM or Notecard to Risa Gothly, or send your request to SLLionheartTimes@gmail.com . The whole city may be reading about your place next Sunday!
6. Use XStreet SL. I hate to admit it, due to my personal feelings on how XStreet is managed, but the fact is it works. People who haven’t heard of you, find you on XStreet. Use your XStreet listing to cross-promote to other items; for example, “If you like this dress, you may like this purse [link] and these shoes [link]!” And put the SLURL to your shop in your XStreet listings. 5. Cross-promote with other merchants. Maybe you make clothes, and your neighbor makes jewelry. Or maybe you make houses, and your neighbor does landscaping. Work together to promote each other’s goods. 4. Have a blog, and keep it updated. 3. Mark all your vendors to “Show in Search”. Make sure, of course, that your shop is listed in search (if you own the parcel). Chances are, if you’re renting a booth, that’s taken care of for you. Put your business name on your vendors, name the vendor after what’s in it (eg “MyCoolShop Inc. Red Velvet Dress”), and mark “Show in Search”. 2. Give a few gift cards (with your LM) to a club to give away. This can attract brand new customers to your shop. Contact some club owners and/or hosts, and see what can be worked out. 1. Come up with a reason to have an event in your shop. Back-to-School. Any holiday. Wedding season. Hell, make something up if you have to! Throw yourself a birthday or rezday party in your shop. Hire someone to stream music and put out a dance ball. This gives customers a chance to meet you and ask questions, without feeling any pressure to buy anything… and it drives up your traffic to boot!
What Not To Do Here are some pitfalls that business owners fall into when trying to get more people to come into their shop and buy. Make sure you don't fall into the same trap. Slash prices. This may, temporarily, get more people to buy an item. But then, they have to buy MORE of that item to make you any money. Additionally, anyone who bought that item at full price may feel cheated and alienated. And it devalues your work, plain and simple, by sending a message that you don’t think it’s worth much. Give away a bunch of stuff. A gift card for promotional purposes is one thing, because it enables the recipient to decide what to get with it. It’s not just go in, get the free trinket, and go; it’s go in, shop around, look at all the products, and decide which to spend the card on. It’s a remarkably simple rule of business that remarkably few people remember: you don’t make money by giving your product away. Someone may get on a high horse and say “All you care about is money”; well, until my tier is free and my time is worth nothing, you’re damn right I care about money. There’s much talk among SL businesses and consumers about the “Freebie Culture”; this refers to the culture of expecting something for nothing, and the feeling of entitlement to have it all and not pay a red linden for it. Merchants are fond of blaming consumers for this. But we merchants are the ones who created that expectation, by giving it up for free in the first place. Hold onto a feature just because you like it. Once when I had my clothing shop I experimented by having a chatterbot. I figured it would be helpful to customers, by answering their questions when I couldn’t be there to do so, and it just seemed like a cool fun thing to have. I soon found out, however, that the chatterbot answered EVERYTHING that was said… by customers, by neighbors in earshot, even by the vendors themselves! Less than 12 hours later I let go of the chatterbot. Ask your honest friends: what do you find annoying in my shop? What could you do without? Put out a tip jar. NO NO NO NO NO. Customers overwhelmingly state time and again that they don’t like it when shops have tip jars. The one possible exception is if your shop actually makes and sells tip jars. Attach a club for the purpose of bringing people in. This simply doesn’t work. People go to clubs to be at clubs; people go to shops to shop. When people are trying to shop, the noise from a club can be annoying (to say nothing of the lag that often goes with it). When people are dancing at the club, they’re not interested in leaving to go shopping.
These charts, recorded for the dates between 22 and 27 August, show the number of Linden dollars (SLL) to the United States Dollar (USD). A high number means a good opportunity to sell Lindens; a low number is a good opportunity to purchase them. Up-to-the-minute Linden value rates can be seen by following @LindenWatch on Twitter, powered by VirWoX.
Say ANYTHING to people before they set foot in your place. I’ve got a satellite booth in a marketplace; and there’s this one booth that whenever I pass within 10m of it, it always spams me with a welcome message and a LM. I didn’t want the LM the first time, and I don’t want it every time I walk past. I don’t want it AT ALL. Besides, I know where your shop is. I’m right here! If I wanted to know about your shop, I would have stepped inside. Now, I’m the kind of person that hates being hawked to IRL as well. If I’m interested, I’ll stop. The same is true of any other customer. Add a visitor to your list without their consent. This doesn’t just turn people off; it turns them off and makes them tell all their friends to NEVER set foot in your shop. And it makes people blog about it too (I’m looking at YOU, KidzBotz, Karu Karu, and countless others). Invite them to your group when they buy something or receive something as a gift from your shop, and then, don’t bother them again.
They're your lindens. Make the most of them.
Lionheart Chamber of Commerce Join today. Remove the hurdles.
Lionheart Times – August 29, 2010 – Page 5
Opinion We want to hear what you think. Drop your Letters to the Editor off at the Times Building, send them via notecard directly to Clover Windlow, or email them to SLLionhearttimes@gmail.com
Not every letter will be published; Editor reserves the right to refuse to publish any letter received. Letters may be edited for spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Your letter is most likely to be published if it is concise, makes an original point, and is in quick response to a timely story.
Times Endorses Windlow for CoC Chair Position In other news: water is wet, the Pope is Catholic, and bears defecate in the woods. As you are probably already aware, the Lionheart Times is the private enterprise of the woman known in SL as Clover Windlow, Mistletoe Ethaniel, or any of a small handful of other alts. But it is much more than a private venture; it is a tool made with the intent of building community. I started this newspaper because I like to be able to say that I live and work in more than just a cluster of sims; where I live and work is an honest-to-goodness community. But a community isn't just one person; it's a collaboration of all of us. So I want to hear from you. What do you do? What are your big concerns with business? What do you want to see different around here? As I said to someone earlier today, if you sit on the sidelines, you don't get to kick. So go to meetings and speak up, write to the paper, and help build the town you want to live in. This is your community. And you have the power to help to build it into what you want it to be.
Be sure to include your SL name in the paper, and Lionheart neighborhood of residence or work.
Hope to hear from you in our next issue, and I hope you've enjoyed this one. I know, it seems to be an awful lot about me; but that's only because it's so new. So... enough about me. Let's talk about you. IM me any time with your questions.
Opinions expressed in the Op/Ed section are those of their respective authors, and are not necessarily reflective of those of the Lionheart Times.
A Tongue-in-Cheek (or tongue in something...) Letter Dear Editor: As a long time business owner and Second Life Hotelier, I am shocked and appalled by the disgraceful conditions, low wages, long hours and lack of training endured by the majority of SL’s Domestics. It’s an industry wide curse and one that we, at the Admiral Benbow Inn & Guest House, have recently addressed. I am pleased to share with Lionheart Times readers the following Employment Standards & Guidelines, inaugurated at the Admiral Benbow. Welcome to the Admiral Benbow Inn & Guest House. All graduates of the Guest House have found gainful and meaningful employment within their chosen profession and are considered the finest Domestics in Second Life. Some have even excelled further attaining janitorial and other enviable positions of responsibility and trust. Your training is based on the proven Petticoat Discipline Method. At times it may seem harsh, and on rare occasions, you may consider resignation, but at the Admiral Benbow you will be treated fairly. Having said that, never forget, misdemeanours of any kind, particularly those among new or junior staff members, will be dealt with quickly, firmly and always harshly. Remember our motto:
bloomers. The latter will restrict your mind from thrashing for more serious offences. Punishment will wandering into the realms of the erotic. usually be administered by your immediate supervisor. However a Guest(s) may be invited to witness and even partake in the administration of punishment. There may be occasions, when the offence is considered so severe; that the Admiral Benbow’s Board of Directors may be convened. Beware, - the Board of Directors; they are comprised of community members including religious leaders, business owners, officers of the courts and librarians. They are considered above repute and as such, their time is valuable; dealing with errant Domestics is always frowned upon, a verdict of guilty is inevitable, justice is swift and the punishment terrible! PUNISHMENT PREPAREDNESS It’s unlikely you will not be punished during you employment at the Hotel. The following will prepare new and junior staff members for this eventuality. The delinquent girl is usually confined in the pantry or broom closet prior to punishment, thus allowing time for her to contemplate her ways. The girl is then brought, usually in chains, before the Admiral Benbow’s Medical Officer, her clothes removed by an assistant, charges read and punishment administered.
DUTIES As a member of the Admiral Benbow’s Domestic Staff some of your duties are: tending bar; serving drinks; playing piano, assisting in the kitchen, sweeping and washing floors, fireplace and chimney cleaning, winding clocks, making beds, cleaning chamber pots, assisting “The Cane Is Always Close At Hand – The Landlady’s guests upon their arrival, carrying baggage to their rooms WAGES Eyes Are Always Open” and unpacking and stowing same. You may also be called Many girls apply for our junior positions, very few are upon to assist with private Special Guest Services. accepted. Pre screening is of crucial significance and only We remind all employees contemplating resignation; girls from the finest Second Life families are accepted. leaving without references would place your chosen FRIENDSHIPS AMONG EMPLOYEES The training you receive, the food you eat, and the place Domestic profession, in impending jeopardy. We have observed an increase of fraternization and you sleep under the stairs, all cost money. The Board of familiarity among junior staff members. This may Directors has decreed all Domestic Staff shall pay 75L$ COLLARING originate as seemingly innocent amusement; sadly it will per week, to help offset the expenses of their training. For your own protection all employees shall be collared. corrupt you and quite possible lead to hardened sexual acts. Fortunately, most girls outgrow such nonsense. On behalf of the Board of Directors, the Management and CLOTHING However, any girl engaged in such acts of friendship, Unless instructed otherwise, by your immediate without prior Supervisory consent, will be subject to Staff of the Admiral Benbow Inn & Guest House, I commend you for your choice of profession and I’m supervisor, all on-duty Domestic Staff, shall wear their immediate dismissal without references. assured you will enjoy your employment with us. designated uniform (please see attached photo). The wearing of thongs, G-strings or any other minimum TIME OFF coverage panties is strictly forbidden. High heels shall At the discretion of your immediate supervisor, time off is In closing and as I’m sure your readers will agree, we are always be worn in the Hotel except during administration assigned twice monthly, between the hours of 4:00 – 7:00 leading the way and setting new standards of training and employee working conditions within the industry; a model of punishment hours. other employers will have to adopt in order to remain competitive. When off duty or away from the Admiral Benbow your PUNISHMENT exemplary behaviour and dress code, is of the utmost Unlike similar establishments, punishment at the Admiral importance. It shall consist of the following: an ankle Benbow Inn & Guest House is a common occurrence. I remain, sincerely yours. length navy blue skirt, a white long sleeve blouse, black Depending on the offence, punishment may be as Shekinah Umaga orthopaedic Oxfords and white, below the knee length, incidental as cleaning chamber pots, - to a severe The Landlady
Ask Ms. Arcana
“Ask Ms. Arcana” is a regular column we'll be featuring here at the Times. Shua Arcana offers advice, especially in relationships, with a bit of a twist: part of her advice includes a consultation with Tarot cards. If you have a question for Ms. Arcana, please send your question (all will be published anonymously) either to Shua personally, by NC at the Times building with “Dear Ms. Arcana” as the NC name, or to SLLionheartTimes@gmail.com with “Dear Ms. Arcana” in the subject line.
For entertainment purposes only; not to be used as a subsitute for emergency assistance (such as in matters of abuse).
Real Avatars of Genius
Mr. Tacky Neighbor We salute you because you're the kind who makes spiritual people of us all, Mr. Tacky Neighbor; because otherwise nonbelieving people will get down on their knees, genuflect, and talk in tongues praying you don't move in next door to them.
minutes, that THEY might actually win some of your worthless crap. Let’s not forget to spam the everloving hell out of the people next door, while they’re in their own shops, because surely their customers are only there to find your eyesore in this town.
I mean, sure, you’ve got it all figured out. Put up an ugly building where the prims don’t line up anywhere, and no two faces have the same texture, full-bright the hell out of it all, and they will come. They’ll come for your Zingo machines, because nobody else on the entire damn grid has one of them. They’ll come to camp for one stark linden every half hour. But especially, they’ll come to your club upstairs, which has no events schedule, no DJs or hosts… and no compliance with the covenant where you’re building. Yes, they’ll come for the stripper poles and seizure-inducing lights, but stay for the resale vendors you’ve got downstairs. Because that’s how you make money in this world: you shell out money for tier, and then collect 20% of every sale on junk you can find anywhere else on the grid (sometimes even for free).
Covenant? WHAT covenant?! The rules don’t apply to you, Mr. Tacky Neighbor. All you’re trying to do, after all, is make a living by slapping a bunch of vendors on a big honkin’ wall. You know full well that ”Blue” is a perfectly legitimate texture for a wall. And that “Full-bright, glowing, shiny blue” is better still! We’re not sure where you acquired and refined your sense of aesthetic tastes, Mr. Tacky Neighbor, but we’re pretty sure it involved a French-Canadian clown college and copious hits of acid. Then again, if you had copious hits of acid, you may actually be inspired to tone it the hell down. Tim Burton looks at your builds and says sweet suffering Siddhartha, what in the world is this guy on? And I’m not talking back-in-the-day, Nightmare Before Christmas Tim Burton; I’m talking make my wife a bobblehead, make Johnny Depp physically unattractive, throw up a Hot Topic store display all over the set and put it in digital bloody 3D Tim Burton.
But let’s not stop there, Mr. Tacky Neighbor. Let’s put in some giant animated ocean waves… in a land parcel with street on all four sides. Let’s add bunnies, chickens, dogs, cats, and every other physics-straining lag inducer you And so, we say to you, congratulations can get. Let’s have lucky chairs that give Mr. Tacky Neighbor, you are a Real out your worthless crap and shout out to Avatar of Genius. everyone in a 65m radius, every four
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(Contains some bawdy material. If you're old enough to know what "bawdy" means, and to read a newspaper, you're old enough)
Published on Aug 28, 2010
(Contains some bawdy material. If you're old enough to know what "bawdy" means, and to read a newspaper, you're old enough)