A Decade of Darkness & Light Simon Boyd 2017

I updated my CV with help from the Jobcentre and started using Universal Jobmatch and started applying for lots of jobs thinking that before long I would get one. That didn’t happen and over time I started to get myself worked up over it. I couldn’t understand why someone with over ten years’ experience in the bar trade couldn’t even get a simple bar staff role. Or for that matter get any replies from any employers. My best friend was making enquiries with his contacts to see if there were any jobs going but a lot of them were driving jobs and I could not drive. I even started to get CVs printed out and would go round the pubs in Didsbury and the surrounding areas. All of this was taking a toll on my mental health. I would countlessly tell people I met I was looking for a job and ask if they knew about any vacancies going.

I noticed as well at this time that my drinking was increasing rapidly, but I think that the mix of being isolated and feeling useless, as in not getting any job offers, had a lot to do with that. I didn’t tell any family or friends how I was feeling and was even trying to deny it to myself that I was slipping back into depression. Each time my best friend came to visit, I would tell him I was OK and was still in good spirits. I was starting to put on the mask of normality I had worn before, even though deep inside I was hurting really badly. I house sat for my best friend a few times which was a nice break from the four walls I was starting to hate.

I was drinking a lot more and was starting to question why I had moved to Manchester in the first place. All my feelings I was keeping inside and most of them were bad ones. Denying anything was wrong was what I was doing, but it was really harming me and taking a toll. I just did not want to believe that all the hard work I put in at Ulverston was starting to unravel and it got me feeling like such a failure and waste of space. At times I was contemplating going back to Cumbria, but I knew deep down it would not solve anything.

One of the regulars from the Railway pub tried to get me some work with his employer, but in the end it came to nothing. I was trying to be more social and started playing six-a-side football with my best friend which helped me a lot, stopping me from sitting in the flat all on my own. I just couldn’t understand how I couldn’t get a job. It wasn’t for the lack of trying. It got me down a lot. I even had a few interviews but never got anywhere.

The bit of solace I had was I liked the flat and was enjoying the area and picking up little bits to make it more of a home. I wasn’t missing Cumbria too much. My drinking was getting worse and more frequent. I put a lot of pressure on myself which made my depression bad, and I had pressure from the Jobcentre. All of this was taking its toll on me, but I was still in denial it was. I acted normal with my friends but inside closed doors I was so emotional and tearful. I just felt as if everything was falling apart, and I couldn’t seem to see a way out. I started to fail to want to face the bleak future I thought was in front of me. I started drinking for days on end and getting into a bad habit of being so reckless at times. Going out in the city centre while still not being very street smart and because of this I was mugged once and another time nearly mugged. I felt very ashamed of myself, and every bit of confidence I had started to drain out of me.

Things were happening and instead of learning from my mistakes it was making me hate myself. One of the worst points was waking up in hospital at about one thirty in the morning, not knowing how I had got there but knowing I had been drinking. I finally talked to my friend and he tried to help me out with various things and encouraging me. I finally started to think a bit better about myself and started to take care of myself better.

I was feeling more confident about my life ahead, and then one day my best friend called me and said he had been talking to the landlord. I had to go and meet him for a chat. This made me nervous right away and my anxiety started to creep up. I met both my friend and the landlord and they told me that due to some problems with planning at the council I may have to move out for a while. © Simon Boyd 2017