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Te l e p a t h ESSENTIAL LY



The Courtleys - longtime owners of ‘Chuck’s Diner’ on Mills Ave are to be deported to England.


Amway Founder Richard DeVos Funds Neoconservative Agenda with Magic Money B Y D AV I D Z I R I N


{RichDeVos continued pg.5}

1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: 7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15. 16.

BY M IGUEL E STEBAN years ago Pete and Gina Courtley moved from London and took over a defunct diner in downtown Orlando. Now they stand to lose it all.

THE NATION sports writer

s the O rlando Ma g ic face off gainst the Los Angeles Lakers for the 2009 NBA championship, casual hoops fans may wonder where their rooting interests should lie. If the players or teams don't excite you, I humbly suggest that you choose your team based not on players, colors or coaches but on owners. Why? Because the victorious owner, whether Lakers boss Jerry Buss or Magic helmsman Richard DeVos, stands to make a fortune by winning, as well as elevate his personal profile. If you do choose to root for a team based on its owners, there is absolutely no contest for progressives: break out the lavender and gold and pray for a Lakers victory. It's not that Buss is any great shakes; it's the fact that DeVos operates the Magic like the sporting arm of a radical rightwing empire whose reach extends from makeup to militias...


PATRIOTIC b r i c - a - b r a c Orlando City Hall vs DEMOCRACY CHARLES BARKLEY’s correspondence incredible FOSSILIZED EVIDENCE RICH DEVOS wearing no clothes tips for SUBURBAN PLANT LIBERATION HOW TO rip YouTube videos Orlando Magic I M P R O P E R G A N D A [ submissions @ ] CUDDLES you can’t save 15 minutes of DYNAMITE ENVY HYASTER’S hallucinogenic musings Mark Twain’s WAR PRAYER A drunken S I N G - A LO N G MISS FORTUNE’S HORRORSCOPES Pix from “FLORIDA’S ARCHIVES”


Over the last two decades the couple has turned "Chuck's Diner" on Mills Ave from a failing restaurant into a familiar breakfast spot beloved by many late-nighters and early-risers in the Colonialtown neighborhood. Now, instead of enjoying the fruits of the labor, they may have to sell their business and home at a loss. W h a t ’s m o re , Pe te a n d G i n a ’s local roots run deeper than their entrepreneurship. They ’ve also raised both of their sons here...

{Immigrants continued pg.4}

D e m o c r ac y i s n e v e r a f i n a l a c h i e v e m e nt . - J F K

PLANT A FORECLOSURE “ P A T RI O T G A R DE N ” Do Your Duty: Liberate Your Former Neighbor’s Dying Plants

S T A T E F O R N A T I V E S? Y

I SOBEL M ONKEYWRENCH up, times are tough in Florida. From Colonialtown, to Heathrow, to Pine Hills, you can’t drive around an Orlando neighborhood without seeing foreclosed homes, with their tell-tale overgrown jungles out front. Neighborhood Associations are freaking out, municipalities are still issuing code violations as if homeowners were around to care, and the legal owners - banks - are proving as accountable as can be expected from an industry that deviously “repackaged” the American Dream to fuel a financial feeding frenzy that monkeywrenched the world economy. And what’s worse, they’ve been rewarded for their avarice with golden parachutes. Meanwhile, millions of working-class families whose lives have been shattered are left to fend for themselves... BY

Navajo Speaker Presents Vision of ‘51st Virtual State’



GALLUP - Mark Charles would like Native Americans to start thinking outside the box about themselves and their political voice - or lack of voice - in the United States. Charles, of Fort Defiance, Ariz., spoke to a small group of community members at UNM-Gallup on Thursday about his idea for the country’s Native American people to join together to create a “51st Virtual State” for Native people...

{State for Natives? continued pg.6}

{Patriot Gardens continued pg.6}

W e think... so you do n’t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 2


American democracy is dead. No; not from socialist government, nor terrorist broadsides, nor the last eight years of democracy in-reverse. It’s the slow - and often hidden - advancement of private and corporate interests over the public and democratic interests. Over the years the corruption has become more blatant, and despite nearly universal outrage, seemingly unstoppable. This is something that longtime residents have, unfortunately, become accustomed to in little ol' apathetic Orlando, the capital of corrupt crony capitalism. Recently a contingent of activists from UCF's Student Labor Action Project and United Students Against Sweatshops have been protesting against the NBA's deal with sweatshop overlord Russell Brands, LLC, maker of team uniforms. The activists chose to reach out to fans at the Amway *gag* Arena, since they exert the most control over how the NBA spends their money. Another reason for demonstrating at the arena is because civic spaces are few-and-far-between in Orlando, and the arena is a prime location for taking the message to the people. Orlando’s arena, originally known as the O-rena, was built in 1989 by the city after luring an expansion franchise to O-town. A decade later the city followed the national trend and sold the naming rights to our arena to TD Waterhouse, effectively selling-out our beloved stadium for use as a giant billboard. That same year, the city began kicking around the idea of building a brand new arena for the Magic, despite the O-rena still having that “new arena smell”. Magic owner Rich DeVos wanted a new arena because the old one lacks the lucrative skyboxes between the upper and lower bowls which more modern “super arenas” feature; which makes the upper-bowl seats in our current arena some of the best cheap seats in the country. In typical Orlando fashion, taxpayers are being forced to foot 85% of the $480 million dollar bill for the fancy new arena. Unbelievably, although we are majority stakeholders in the project, the new arena is private property, not public …just like the old arena! So, what should be the premier public forum in our city is instead controlled by the minority party in the deal: Amway Corporation; a corporation so insidious it encourages you to treat your friends and family like a target consumer demographic, drawing them into a pyramid scheme, the profits of which are used to fund fundamentalist

right-wing causes in a big way. (Read Why Fans Who Care More About Politics Than Sports Wanted LA to Beat Orlando by David Zinn in this issue.) This means that, unlike public city spaces like Lake Eola Park, your right to exercise free speech in the vicinity of Orlando’s arenas is subject to the whim of property managers.

City Hall’s acquiescence to Amway founder (and Magic owner) Rich DeVos is decidedly anti-democratic. The town halls concerning the venues back in 2006 were lessons in the corporate takeover of government. Orchestrators of the deal were often either occupationally connected to the Magic, or developers who stood to benefit directly from the transfer of public funds into their pockets. In a somewhat ironic twist, the labor unions which could have formed a united front against the deal were divided, with the building trades expecting a piece of the action and thus supporting it, and the firefighters


A DRIAAN HELLINGER was bundled with the controversial plan for a new arena) is on the chopping block. Adding insult to injury, the money the DeVos family is saving thanks to the handout from taxpayers is being funneled into rightwing religious fundamentalist causes such as the passage of Amendment 2, the recently attempted ban on gay marriage to which DeVos contributed $100,000.

Granted, it’s no secret in the political world that Orlando Mayor Buddy Dyer and his cronies are swimming in developer money. The venues deal, and the lightrail giveaway to CSX, are merely visible tributes to these connections. Nevertheless, despite political baggage that would sink politicians far more skillful, Buddy and his compliant city council are rarely challenged. Why?

There are numerous impediments to democratic reform in Orlando. The city is a vast sprawl of suburbs and stripmalls. Few high-density civic spaces exist where people can congregate to share ideas. Unfortunately, Orlando is a case study in what happens when a boomtown fails to properly manage growth. There’s also the balmy climate, which causes residents to cocoon themselves in air-conditioned spaces. Couple these factors with Orange County’s highly transient population (33% of residents relocate every year) and you're left correctly anticipating that the $1.1 billion with a less-than-ideal motivation on the part dollar project would strain the city’s budget of Orlandoans to tackle the bothersome task opposing it. Ultimately, developers ignored of pruning the shrubbery of democracy. the (unenforced) city mandate requiring that the arena be built by unionized laborers paid Nevertheless, do not despair my good a living wage. Betrayed unionized laborers readers, for there is still hope! Democratic can now be found protesting alongside movements often spring forth from small groups of determined people. Civic affairs students against sweatshops at the arenas. may often be brutish and unpleasant, but This brings us back full-circle to the recent they are essential to freedom. Plato wrote protests against the NBA’s support of sweat- “One of the penalties of refusing to particshop labor. The Orlando Police Department ipate in politics is that you end up being swiftly kicked protesters out of the vicinity of governed by your inferiors.” The abuses the arena, and did not even permit the outlined in this column need to be fought unobtrusive behavior of silently handing out at the ballot box; with petitions and fliers. Meanwhile, the DeVos/Vander Weide protests; by raising funds and awareness; family, owners of the Magic, Amway, and and other devises. Many of us are overessentially the arenas too, are using them as a worked with little free time, but we all slush fundto promote their political agenda. have a way of contributing to ensure our The family is worth more than $4 billion government is responsive to our needs dollars, and yet they have no qualms of and wants. So get out there and make sure leaning on the city, whose budget has been Orlando doesn't become the stucco decimated by a precipitous decline in gravestone of American democracy! tourist tax revenues, to finance more luxury skyboxes so they can get even richer. Join the Populist Press Partisans Meanwhile, plans for Orlando’s desperately & take back our city through needed performingarts center (which enjoys force of enlightened action! popular support and in a Machiavellian move Visit us at


Vol. 1 Issue 1

Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

 Dear Charles Barkley aka `Sir Charles aka `The Round Mound of Rebound  

WTF is wrong with you man? I thought you were a guru of the Game of Giants a parquet floor Nostradamus a Ms Cleo of the court! You dont blather incoherently like Reggie talk up hype like Kenny or stick to the script like EJ which is why youre my fave talking head on TNT Which reminds me do you still have a job calling your  producer a `pussy live on the air during the last broadcast of the season ?  Which is why I love you man! You can be always be trusted to `tell it like it is  Like last New Year’s Eve when you confessed to the cop that arrested you for DUI that you were speeding cuz you were in a hurry to get fellatio from your female passanger  Damn ! Or hen you penned your own soliloquey to the `I Am Not A Role Model ad campain   in response to Michael Jordan’s ads claiming that all a brotha s gotta do to `Be Like  Mike is purchase the right products Like Bill Cosby you received a backlash for speaking an inconvenient truth but you unapologetically responded“``I don’t create controversies  They’re there long before I open my mouth I just bring them to your attention � And speaking of soliloqueys wtf is up with local hip-hop impresarios Solillaquists of Sound selling-out with that awful Blue & White Ignite song? That shit sucked How could DiViNCi settle for a single loop & forget the hook? Why didn’t Swamburger get a b-boy to drop him some science about the game of basketball? Im clue less and apparently so are they (Bao you suck too for not holding them to a higher standard) Anyhoo my point for writing is to let you know that you’ve shattered my hopes & dreams as a Magic fan I’ blame you not Kobe Pau nor Zen Master Jackson for our losing to the Lakers in the 2009 Finals You were the only bigtime basketball analyst that believed in Magic and us fans loved you for it! First you predicted the Magic would defy more than fifty years of playoff history by rallying from a 3-2 deficit against the defending champion Celtics in the second round Then you kept the faith as we dethroned King James & his Cavaliers the number one ranked team in the league You   said we ’d beat em in six & we did Twas like you were waving a magic wand! But your hooptacular clairvoyance failed us in the Finals You once again defied the court of public opinion by predicting we would prevail over the Lakers in seven games instead they creamed us on our home turf in only five! For some fans it conso lation enough to have made it all the way to the Finals & not get swept like we did in 1995 But for me my only consolation was scrawling  ``Laces Out Barkley! in my own blood all over the  walls of my bungalow For while I ’m aware that Ace   Ventura is `just a movie ’ and that I m referencing the  wrong sport anway I ve gotta blame somebody & being a Shaq-hater is sooooo ten years ago !

Your biggest fan

PS - Did I mention I used to work for ACORN?

Dont hesitate to holla at me if you need help running for governor of Alabama in 2012 !


(Check me out ballin ’ with t h e honeyz!)

We think... so you do n’t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 2

AWESOM EST FOSSIL EVER FOUND? Is this 47m-yr-old Primate the “Missing Link” Between Humans & Animals?

O S L O - O v e r t h e l a s t t wo ye a r s re s e a rc h e r s a t O s l o U n i v e r s i t y h ave s e c re t l y b e e n s t u d y i n g t h e fo s s i l i z e d re m a i n s o f a fe m a l e p r i m a te p re s e r v e d s o w e l l t h at s h e s t i l l h a s a l l h e r f u r a n d h e r l a s t m e a l i n s i d e o f h e r b e l l y. He r s c i e n t i f i c n a m e i s Da r w i n i u s m a s i l l a e , b u t re s e a rc h e r s a f fe c t i o nate l y re fe r to h e r a s ' Id a ' . Id a’s fossilized remains were discovered in the Messel Pit shale quar r y in Ger many, an archeolo g ical goldmine that many millions of years ago used to be a sulphurous lake. It is likely that young Id a d ro w n e d w h i l e d r i n k i n g f ro m t h e d a n g e ro u s l a k e a p p rox i m a te l y fo u r t y - s e ve n m i l l i o n - ye a r s - o l d . T h at m a k e s n e a r l y t w e n t y t i m e s o l d e r t h a n a ny o t h e r p r i m ate fo s s i l e ve r fo u n d . T he discover y is significant because it means we finally possess scientific proof that human-like pr imates share a common anscestr y with other species of animals. Many in the scientific community are calling Ida the “Rosetta Stone ” of evolutionar y science. I f the Oslo team’s recently released repor t holds up to scr utiny, then, the histor y books will have to be rewr itten. Anyone too unimag inative to conceive of a way that God could have made such a thing possible is bound to wind up like Ida , a relic of the past . Evolution is real.

For more info visit: // article written by: Miguel Esteban


{ f r om I mmi gr a nt s pg. 1 }

Aaron is a city cop. Lee is a bar manager at a local nightclub and helps run the family business. The careers of the two brothers make the family diner especially popular with police officers and hospitality workers desiring camaraderie, or simply a bottomless cup of coffee, while the rest of the city sleeps. Obviously, the Courtlys are “not your typical illegal immigrants.” The Pete and Gina have bought into Social Security and paid their taxes. Aaron and Lee are University High School alumni who have never resided outside of of the State of Florida. The boys even are registered for selective service, but cannot join the military (they have tried). Despite all this they will soon be deported to the United Kingdom. That the US Immigration and Naturalization Ser vice seeks to deport the Courtly family clearly illustrates the need for immigration policy reform. Why do we offer no recourse for hard-working , lawabiding (apart from immigrant status), people - like the Courtlys - who are already live and work on US soil? What freedom-loving American i s w i l l i n g to c l a i m t h at t h e U S A d o e s n o t w e l co m e t h e s e k i n d o f p e o p l e ? T h i s co u n t r y w a s fo u n d ed by immigrants… not natives! How conveniently we forget the inscription on the Statue of Liberty upon becoming citizens.

For more about immigration reform visit:

2009! Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

Vol. 1 Issue 2

{ fr om Ri ch DeV os pg. 1 }

As co-founder of Amway, the 83year-old DeVos has amassed a fortune of more than $4.4 billion. Through Amway, he popularized the concept of what is known as network marketing, where salespeople attempt to lure their friends and neighbors into buying products. Sixty percent of what Amway salespeople traffic are health and beauty products. The rest of their merchandise is a veritable pu pu platter of homecare products, jewelry, electronics and even insurance. To put it mildly, DeVos doesn't do his political business off company time. Amway has been investigated for violating campaign finance laws by seamlessly shifting from network marketing to network politicking. DeVos has used not only his company but his own epic fortune at the service of his politics. He could be described as the architect, underwriter and top chef of every religious-right cause on Pat Robertson's buffet table. The former finance chair of the Republican National Committee, DeVos is far more than just a loyal party man. For more than four decades he has been the funder in chief of the right-wing fringe of the Christian fundamentalist movement. Before the 1994 "Republican Revolution" made Newt Gingrich a household name, Amway contributed what the Washington Post called "a record sum in recent American politics," $2.5 million. In the 2004 election cycle Amway and the DeVos family helped donate more than $4 million to campaigns pumping propaganda for Bush and company, with around $2 million coming out of Devos's own pocket. During the Bush years DeVos received a decent return on these investments, with tax cuts that saved him millions and tax exemptions for people who sold Amway out of their homes. He then used these extra gains to further empower his nonprofit, the Richard and Helen DeVos Foundation, to direct millions to groups that support radical reparative gay therapy, antievolution politics and other "traditional" family values. The organizations they support include Focus on the Family, the Foundation for Traditional Values, the Federalist Society, the Heritage Foundation, the American Enterprise Institute and the Media Research Center. among many others.

They also supply grants to the Free Congress Foundation, which claims that its main focus is on the "Culture War." It hopes to "return [America] to the culture that made it great, our traditional, Judeo-Christian, Western culture." DeVos is also a senior member of an organization called the Council for National Policy. Imagine the most shadowy right-wing organization, and CNP is the sort of group that rests in its shadows and inspires fevered talk of "vast right-wing conspiracies." The CNP makes members of the Masons look like paparazzi-hungry starlets. Its membership includes the elite of the John Birch Society. Richard DeVos served on both the executive committee and the board of governors for the CNP. Another leading member of the CNP was fellow Michigan-based billionaire Edgar Prince. In what Nation contributor Jeremy Scahill has described as a royal coupling in the tradition of feudal Europe, Prince's daughter Betsy married Richard's son Dick Jr. Scahill also writes, "[The DeVos family was] one of the greatest bankrollers of far-right causes in

T he DeVos model is organized theft of public funds that then turns arenas into slush funds for radical right politics.

rely on public funds for the team. Neither is the case. At Amway Arena, the DeVos hold Faith & Family Nights, multiple home-school nights and other events replete with Christian rock and player testimonials. DeVos's use of the team for his own profile and profit has spurred protests in Orlando. To get people to protest in Orlando, you have to know you're doing something wrong. Outside Amway Arena, there have been demonstrations to raise awareness among fans of DeVos's contribution of $100,000 to Florida4Marriage, a group that supports Amendment 2, which would add Florida's existing ban on gay marriage to the state Constitution. Protesters believe the amendment could halt all domesticpartnership benefits for even straight unmarried couples. "He's the biggest contributor to the amendment from Orlando," protest organizer Jennifer Foster told the Orlando Sentinel. "And he's getting $1 billion in taxpayers' money to build the arena. That sends a bad message." It's more than a bad message. The DeVos model is organized theft of public funds that then turns arenas in to slush funds for radical right politics. As Foster mentioned, ground has now been broken for a $1.1 billion Orlando mega-entertainment complex, the center of which would be a $480 million new arena. DeVos and his people have publicly boasted about how much they are donating to the project. But as Neil deMause, coauthor of Field of Schemes wrote, "The actual Magic contribution toward the $480 million price tag, then, is probably somewhere around $70 million." It's a frighteningly effective political money-laundering scheme: our tax dollars are being funneled through a stadium and into the pockets of the DeVos family, where they are then spit out into think tanks, activist organizations and political efforts that most Americans would find noxious. For these reasons, I will do my political duty and root for the Lakers to win it all. We should all want to kick back, enjoy this series and keep politics and sports separate. Unfortunately, Dick DeVos won't let us.

U.S. history, and with their money they propelled extremist Christian politicians and activists to positions of prominence." Betsy Prince's brother, and Edgar's son, Erik Prince, would become first a Navy SEAL and later founder and CEO of the infamous Blackwater corporation. Blackwater is the company of private mercenaries hired to help occupy Iraq, Afghanistan and even post-Katrina New Orleans. Famous for rolling through Baghdad in black SUVs, rock music blaring and making far more money than US soldiers, they are an outsourced army, unaccountable to the government and inciting resentment and antiAmericanism wherever they are stationed. Since 2000, Blackwater has received nearly $1.25 billion in federal contracts, of which $144 million came in small-business set-aside contracts. This isn't a vast right-wing conspiracy: it has been an openly incestuous and highly beneficial coupling between the DeVos/ Prince clan and the Republican Party. None of this would matter to sports Dave Zirin is author of "A People's Hstory fans if the DeVos family kept its politics of Sports in the United States" (New Press) out of the Orlando Magic or if it didn't His blog is:


We think... so you do n’t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 2

STA TE FOR NA TIV ES from Pg.1 A graduate of UCLA, Charles is a public speaker, writer, computer programmer, minister, and consultant on Native American issues. The son of a Navajo father and a DutchAmerican mother from the “Wooden Shoe Clan,” Charles joked about his childhood. “I grew up in a Dutch ghetto just off the Navajo Reservation,” he said of Rehoboth.

Charles explained he came up with the idea of a 51st virtual state for Native Americans after returning to the Navajo Nation and living for three years with his family in a traditional hogan in Cross Canyon, Ariz. There’s a lot of time to think, he explained, when you’re living in a dirt-floor hogan with no running water and no electricity. After living on the Navajo Nation for the last five years, Charles said he also did a lot of thinking about the last two presidential elections and why Native Americans don’t have a seat at America’s political table.

have a greater political voice. “That would be a mass of voters that candidates can’t ignore,” he said. Comparing the total Native population to the population of Iowa, which has seven electoral votes, Charles said having one large virtual Native American state with a block of electoral votes would “radically change the political landscape” in the United States. Charles believes it would make political candidates devote more serious attention to Native American interests like treaty obligations, land issues, and tribal sovereignty. He also believes it would give Native Americans a voice in the nation’s laws, economic policy, and immigration policy. Regarding the current controversy over immigration issues, Charles wryly noted that immigrants are deciding which other immigrants can be allowed to come into the country. “ You feel like a foreigner in your own land,” he said.

Candidates aren’t “How come I never hear ve r y i n te re s te d i n Charles admitted to a candidate talk about the Native American communities that have the audience that he vote?” Charles asked. no real voting power. w a s n ’ t g o i n g t o pretend he knew But for Charles, living in an isolated, exactly how this idea for a 51st virturural area of an Indian reservation al state might be implemented in all provided the answer. Although its detail. “I’m more trying to present there are more than 500 Native to you a vision and a picture,” he said. American tribes in the United States, the total population of He offered three different options for Native people is so small that their the possible creation of the Native political voice is marginalized. American state, and he conceded that there are a number of obstacles that Candidates aren’t very interested would have to be overcome, including in communities that have no real the probable need for amendments to voting power. the U.S. Constitution. Even the Navajo Nation, with its large population, isn’t a strong political block, Charles said. “As a Navajo people, as a nation, we can’t vote together,” he said, noting Navajo voter power is split between Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah.

Responding to arguments that the idea of creating a state specifically for Native Americans had once been considered in American history and then dismissed, Charles countered that the Native American perceptions of time is circular rather than linear.

However, if all Native Americans Article reprinted with permission: who are enrolled members of a state or federally recognized tribe could For more about 51st Virtual State visit: become citizens of a 51st virtual state, Charles explained, they could


PA TRIOT GA RDENS from Pg.1 So, we may be living through a (not so great) depression, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still have some fun in the sun! Did you know that First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging citizens to grow their own organic gardens? Americans are renowned for their ingenuity when faced with adversity, and “suburban plant liberation” provides the perfect opportunity to demonstrate patriotism by sprucing up the neighborhood, and getting to know the neighbors, while screwing the banks a little.

Here’s how to do it: Take an evening stroll around your ‘hood and get acquainted with the neighbors. Keep an eye out for foreclosed homes. Telltale signs include a lack of vehicles, a frozen electricity meter, a real estate sign, and of course, unmaintained landscaping. When in doubt, ask the neighbors. It’s always smart to pitch the plan to the neighbors first in the interest being greeted with lemonade instead of pitchforks. My plant liberation accomplices are some retired ladies on the block who think I’m the bee’s knees; and ain’t nobody gonna mess with the granny patrol! Bring shovels, plenty of planter pots (plastic cups and garbage bags work in a pinch), and soil. Buy some, or else, haul your own composted soil for free from the county dump. It has random junk in it, but it’s been sterilized with heat, and plants love it. It’s also recycling: gold star! Now dig! Dig! Dig! Then. . . replant. I’ve dug plants up one weekend and replanted them the next, no problem. Just be sure they get plenty of water in the meantime. Also, be sure not to dig up trees. Trees are difficult to replant and can usually hold their own against wild vegetation. Keep them around to beautify the block and provide your future neighbor with shade. Don’t be afraid to think big! Enlist your neighbors for a “green” block party. Get everybody to bring something yummy for a potlatch while exercising their green thumbs. Offer passersby a plant to take home Be creative! If you require inspiration, here’s a little ditty to help get the juices flowing:

Screw the Banks! S av e  t h e  P l a n t s !

2009! Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

Vol. 1 Issue 2

I believe by now you have probably heard of the YouTube, the online free buffet of videos. YouTube is a motion picture view of the internet; a swirling nexus of music, stupidity, porn, and creations born of people with way too much time and way too little common sense. In short, it is truly beautiful, except for that one video with the guy doing that thing with that bottle. Your friends are sick people and believe that they can somehow undo the damage to their psyche by recruiting more people to their new, horrid existence. You seriously need to get new friends. Even in this maelstrom of digital dookey you will find plenty of diamonds. Unfortunately, you can't always be online and Google will find and delete trademarked or controversial content in their atlas-like task of holding back the digital tide of copyright infringement. How can you access the dramatic hamster when you're on a plane and you NEED your fix. There are plenty of solutions that involve websites or down-loadable programs of varying legitimacy, but do you really want to risk the sanctity of your beloved computer? Or clog it up with more programs? This is especially important if you, like virtually everyone, are subjected to Micro$oft'$ Windoze. There is another way, a simple little technique called a URL hack. All it requires is an internet browser and an internet connection. That's pretty much it. I'll show you how to quickly rip whatever you want from Google's giant videorama, in a simple three step process.

Step 1: Point the Browser to the Video of Your Choosing URL stands for ‘Uniform Resource Locator’. It’s a method for locating things on the internet. Ill use the URL of“Rock the Casbah” by the Clash on YouTube as an example: http://www. Y

It should look something like this: v i d e o _ i d = OA k f H S h AT K Y & l = 2 1 5 < string--partially-deleted-dueto-lack-of-space>&title=The C l a sh - R o ck T h e C a s b a h ' ;

Step 3: Point and Reap

Now to download the video. Remember the URL in the bar at the The URL of the YouTube video you top of your browser from Step 1? are watching can be found in the We are going to alter it slightly to top bar of your internet browser. achieve the result we want. Step 2: Locate the Video’s “Source” First, replace the “watch” part of the URL on YouTube’s Server URL string with “get_video”. Just as you point your browser to a URL to view it in YouTube; YouTube has a URL that directs it to the video that it will stream for you to watch. The principle of the URL hack is to circumvent the YouTube interface and grab the video at the location where YouTube stores them on their servers. Now that you have pointed your browser to the video you want you need to look at the actual code that composes the website you're looking at. Different browsers have different ways of doing this, but you should be looking for something the equivalent of “view source”. For example, in Firefox you can find “Page Source” in the upper “View” menu (or by presssing ‘ctrl+U’).

Then, erase everything in the URL string after the “?”, and then paste the “source URL” from Step 2 in it’s place. For example: =OAkfHShATKY Becomes: i d e o _ i d = OA k f H S h AT K Y & l = 2 1 5 < s t r i n g - - p a r t i a l l y - d e l e te d - d u e - to l a c k- o f- s p a c e > & t i t l e = T h e C l a s h - R o ck T h e C a s b a h ' ;

Click ‘enter’. You will be prompted whether to view or download the Don't be too intimidated by the file, click “save as” and decide where voluminous code. We are only inter- to put your new video bundle of joy. ested in one line. That line begins with the string “video_id=”. You can search Final Point the entire page line-by-line, but you don't have time for that. You need to If you’re media player doesn’t play grab as many of your favorite videos as the file you just downloaded, don't you can before the fuzz takes 'em worry, there’s an easy fix! Download down. So find it using your browser’s the open-source VLC media player “find” function in the upper “ëdit” from: menu (or by pressing ‘ctrl+F)’. There should be only one occurrence of VLC can play just about any media “video_id=”. Find it and copy the (very file, including the .flv Flash video long) string, which ends with the title format that YouTube uses, and best of the video, followed by a semicolon. of all, it’s free.


W e think... so you do nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 2

I Cant Save Her BY


She came running just the other day She ca me from the clouds they call in sane Ill s till love her somewhere some way But I cant save her today She came screaming just yesterday With a heart full of hunger and a pocket full of fear The bomb is counting down with the v oice beh ind the mirror And I cant save her today Waterfalls are crash ing all around down to the river down The voice is getting louder (A thousand sparks of glory upon a bank of decay) And if shes deaf and blind well I cant save her today Cause love is flashing down upon the wings of a papillon While she swims in oblivion down a wishless well Beyond this holy spell and well Im still working on saving myself

How t o Kill a Poet BY M AJOR OSMOSIS


!r e w o t a s i e t h un g til i s/h e h st e oo th ps m to o ad r mire f s om e â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;em shit o n t h e e ground p then sn i

A n d I get to Keep You in a Painting    i s n t t h a t n i c e ? BY


After you no longer need me or pine Or whatever it is that you did Like tell me to be careful with something I v e c a r v e d y o u o u t o f a p h o t o g r a p h I t o o k I placed you in a chair With your blond locks so fair And then I made you into a fairy B u t y o u d i d n t l o o k q u i t e r i g h t  I changed the color of your wings the shape And then I just painted the wings away You always said you belonged to the wind B u t t h a t d i d n t m e a n t h a t y o u c o u l d f l y 


I like you now where you are Alone in a flower somewhere Reading the book of love With hearts in the air

Vol. 1 Issue 2


2009! Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!


Fluorine you fat bastard how dare you! Dragging electrons to your chunky ass nucleolus As if they were Little Debbie snack cakes While hydrogen is starving there in the corner What he wouldnt do for one more electronegative You would rip it right out of his orbital Oh sure you claim youre sharing But I can see right through your subatomic subterfuge You social climbing sellout Desperately you desire to join the ranks Of those proud and satisfied noble gases If only you could snatch one more precious particle Shed your greed you hedonistic halogen! Share your electrons among all Elements of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your covalent bonds

K U RT G ÖDE L Wil l R e t urn in 1 5 Mi nut e s BY


Have another sip of that confusion between truth and Truth Inconsistently speaking inconsistency IS the most accurate guide Just ask the ship in the empty bottle How could all the sea and sky have been pulled outside? Physics insists on unifying the galaxy and the atom wheras to the naked eye they are already of equal scale In conceiving God we glance our other selves but to complete the universe we must completely fail

“Life is a corkscrew of myster y.” - Jo h n C o n to s


We think... so you do n’t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 2 BY

A moral conundrum occurred to me one afternoon while strolling the avenues of Hyaster. I was faced with a paradox that forcibly changed my opinion on the root of all evil. It was a typical day. A colorful breeze carried the distant sounds of the fairground, with the sudden thrills it can exude. An antique car purred slowly down the thin pavement, exemplifying a lazy Sunday drive. I’d just packed away my li’l spread which had just a moment before laid across my little cafe table where I had thoroughly enjoyed a delicious brunch of poached embryo. The ideas buzzing around in my head impatiently awaited digestion and so I’d dumped out all of my papers - journals and charts mostly - so as to ascertain what revelation would come of them. My meal thusly finished, and the lukewarm inkish bean-water drained from the cup, I packed it all up and moseyed on down the thoroughfare to discover what else it had to offer. Hyaster is a quaint and somewhat dreamy borough, the location of which, I pledge to keep a secret. I’ve taken this oath our of fear that the ever-growing population of Earth will breech its effervescent walls. The residents of Hyaster always say “hello” and welcome you into their little homes and shops for scrumptious treats and a friendly chat. The sounds and smells of Hyaster will melt even the iciest heart. For those who are already at ease it takes on a soft surrealistic quality. One where the senses are fooled into letting down their guard until the line separating dreams from reality is blurred. I wandered around Hyaster a good bit before arriving at Madam Hubbard’s residence at the end of Blaukney Road. Glorious classical music wafted from her abode and intoxicated my ears from afar. “Madam? “Ohhh, Jacque, what a nice surprise! Do come in.” “Why, thank you. I was just strolling by when your Bach enraptured me.” “He’s known to do that. Here, have a croissant. They’ve fresh blueberries in them.” “Actually, I just ate.” But the pastry was already on a small plate with extra blueberries on the side, and the warmth proved they were extremely fresh. Madam Hubbard had a


“I’m having trouble focusing Madam. I can’t tell whether what I’m seeing is real or not. I think I should...”

worldly appeal to her. She was in her late seventies, but still had a twinkle in her eye I fell back into a rocking chair and and pep in her step which made her a joy to breathed, and the Madame responded, converse with, or simply sit with watching the “You are seeing what you believe to be. world pass by. That which can be reasoned and that I was in the habit of visiting Madame which is reality may not be here but Hubbard whenever I visited Hyaster, but somewhere out there.” this time felt different. While I ate, she smiled intently, making quiet sounds of When I rubbed my eyes and looked back I approval, and gazing at me in her all-know- realized that Hyaster was moving along at ing way while rocking in her chair. After I’d the same quaint clip-clop of a dreamy little finished, she asked me to follow her out village. I was sweating profusely. Madam onto a little balcony adjacent, but once there Hubbard helped raise me from the rocker and brought me inside. She’d reverted to she remained quiet. the form of a little old lady but I knew that she appeared tired and frail on purpose. She “What are we...” brought me a cool glass of tea and I sipped slowly for a moment, then asked, “Shhh! Watch young man. You will see.” And I did. Within a few seconds I spied a thief run from a neighboring store with all the money and valuables from within. Simultaneously, a woman began beating and shaking her crying infant. Also, two motorists out for a peaceful Sunday pulled over and began beating one another viciously.

“What did you put in that croissant?” She chuckled lightly and shook her head, “Like I said, fresh blueberries.”

Now slowly feeling that I was coming back into myself, I made up an excuse to recuse “Oh my god! What’s going on? I have to do ...” myself and walk along the way. Madam Hubbard knew the truth, (what made me think I could fool her now?) but she merely nodded her head tersely as if to say “Shut up and go.” “What, child? Will you stop the inevitable?” “Excuse me? That woman is killing that child!” “And it is inevitable if it is going to happen.” “Inevitable? I’m sorry Madam Hubbard, but you might want to check your medication.” “I am fine young man. You are the one whom I believe should check his meds!”

I did, and once back out on the street, with its noise and smells, its bright morning sun and crisp breeze; I felt a sense of understanding not previously attained. A feeling like I had just been with a prophetic teacher yet had forgotten to ask the nagging question I had come to ask. I found a bench the next street over - Glenmore and dropped heavily into it, and let the tears rundown my face. My thoughts were in a tangle. What am I do? How much do we affect our own impulses or those of others? Will I be deserted and left to die down the road when I’m in need of help?

Suddenly, Madam Hubbard seemed to become young and virulent, powerful and dominating. It was shockingly frightful My charts and notes had no answers for me. They mocked my supposed knowltransformation. edge. And yet, somehow I have managed “Would it be right for you to change the to reach this conclusion: There is that outcomes of their decisions? To thwart which can proven, and that which canwhat they are destined to do? Perhaps not, and yet, we all have a choice. It is even cause another horrific chain of events this thought that motivates me to rise down the way by your remedial decision to and begin strolling home while Hyaster continues on its dreamy course (was the stop something that is fated?” fairground this loud before?). As I do, “Well, yes, but there is right and wrong and...” the cheerfulness of the people seems as evident as ever. Finally, one of the fighting motorists succumbed, unconscious and bloody. The other I haven’t returned to Hyaster since, kicked wildly at his crumpled mass. I could for fear of a sequel to my horrific not bear to watch. My legs felt weak and as I vision, and yet, the memory never felt my faculties leaving me I steadied myself never dies; as things never do in on the columns supporting the second story. dreamy places like Hyaster.

Subtly controlling your mind since 2009!

Vol. 1 Issue 2 BY It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way. Sunday morning came -- next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams -- visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! Then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation


Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an evermerciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory -An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued with his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!" The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside -- which the startled minister did -- and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said: "I come from the Throne -- bearing a message from Almighty God!" The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import -- that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of -- except he pause and think. "God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two -- one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken.

Ponder this -- keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest! for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword! may not need rain and can be injured by it.


"You have heard your servant's prayer -the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it -- that part which the pastor -- and also you in your hearts -- fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. the *whole* of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory--must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen! "O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen. (After a pause.) "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!" It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

We think... so you do nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ha v e to!

Vol. 1 Issue 2


July 2009

Vol. 1 Issue 2

So you like to join cults? That’s cool! We all like to feel like we belong to something. Mayhaps the Landmark Forum is just what you need. Or, better yet, send the obscene quantity of green stuff they charge to the Weakly Telepath instead. We promise to cr y (from laughing too much) while helping you overcome the trauma your father/great aunt/fill-inthe -blank put you through by forcing you to live in the ‘burbs instead of Camelot Castle.

Co n grat s Ta u ra l i n o, yo u ' ve d o n e i t a g a i n ! Yo u f i n d yo u r s e l f h o g - p e n n e d… a n d l i k i n g i t . T h a t ’s b e c a u s e t h e s t a r s i n c o n j u n c t w i t h y o u r a n u s a r e fo re c a s t i n g t h a t i t ’s a l w ay s g o o d t o t r y n e w t h i n g s i n - a n d o u t - o f t h e s a c k . Alabama hot pocket anyone? (Don’t look it up. Seriously. It’s fucking disgusting.) S o, y o u’r e a n a l c o h o l i c . A n d y o u t h i n k i t ’s p r e t t y f u c k e d u p. I p r e d i c t i n t h e morning you will wake up and tell the flooz y sleeping next to you that you really need to cut back on the sauce. I also predict you will seek out that s a m e s u b s t a n c e t h e fo l l o w i n g n i g h t . S e m p e r h i g h G e m i n i ! Domestic bliss is yours, just reach out and crab-claw it! Start a family! Buy a house! Rack up credit card debt! Mail-order a second wife to be your first wife’s bitch! The moon is trine to your Jupiter in the 4th house (probably not, but doesn' t that sound cool?) No matter, you'll be screaming like a teakettle mad with joy at the apex of your climax! S o y ’a l l g e t a b a d ra p fo r wa nt i n g to b e t h e ce nte r o f i t a l l, b u t t h e t r u t h i s yo u re a l l y c a n' t h e l p i t. Ve n u s i s d a n c i n g w i t h i t s gi rd l e o n , s o w hy n o t t r y o u t a n ove l t y t h i s m o nt h by p ra c t i c i n g t h e a r t o f s e l f l e s s l y p l e a s i n g yo u r p a r t n e r ; o r yo u r p a r t n e r ' s p a r t n e r ; o r yo u r p a r t n e r ' s p a r t n e r ' s p a r t n e r ? S e r i o u s l y, Le o, I’m s t i l l wa i t i n g to g e t m i n e… a n d t h e re yo u g o p l e a s i n g yo u r s e l f a g a i n . I bla n k e d o n y ’all. R e ally, I have n o c l u e w h at yo u r fo r t u n e i s. Why don’t you tr y humping a chair to get your sex y on? Do you really need to be in a relationship all the time? I mean, this morning you didn't even get laid. Why are you wasting your life like this? W e l l , y a d i d i t . Yo u m a d e a n e i g h t e e n y e a r - o l d f a l l f o r y a . H o w o l d a r e you anyway? (Please put in a good word for us with John McCain.) I k now you haven’t had a bir thday in t went y years, but it still creeps the B e te l g e u s e o u t o f m e to s e e yo u c l a i m t h a t a s a t ro p hy. Why d o n’t yo u g e t a d o g , o r s o m e t h i n g ? I p r o m i s e n o t t o t e l l o n y o u f o r T H AT.

W h a t ’s t h e p r o b b o s s ? Yo u k e e p c r e a t i n g p r o b l e m s o u t o f p r o b l e m s t h a t w e r e n ’ t p r o b l e m s u n t i l y o u f o u n d o u t y o u h a v e ‘a c o n s c i e n c e ’. ( W h i c h , a s i t t u r n s o u t , i s y o u r r e a l p r o b l e m . ) B u t y o u ’r e r u l e d b y J u p i t e r, s o y o u ’r e g o n n a i g n o r e m y a d v i c e a n y w a y, y e t e n d u p r i c h w i t h s u c c e s s a n d p u s s y. Yo u fe l l d o w n a h o l e, w h i c h w a s re a l l y a w i s h i n g we l l yo u m i s t o o k fo r a n a b a n d o n e d m i n e, t h a t w a s r u m o re d t o b e f i l l e d w i t h d i a m o n d s ( w h i c h yo u p l a n n e d o n s t e a l i n g, o f c o u r s e. ) S i n c e m o s t o f yo u r w i s h e s a re s e l f i s h ( w h i c h i s O K s i n c e m o s t w i s h e s a re ) I s p y m i s fo r t u n e i n yo u r s k y - m i r ro r. D i a m o n d s a re a l l a ro u n d yo u, b u t yo u c a n’t s e e t h e m . I a d v i s e yo u t o s a ve yo u r k a r m a b y t a k i n g a vo w o f p o ve r t y. M i s s Fo r t u n e w i l l h a p p i l y re l i e ve yo u o f yo u r m e a g e r m a t e r i a l p o s s e s s i o n s !

Yo u’re t h e m o s t u n d e r rate d s i gn o f t h e zo d i a c… fo r be i n g a h e a r t l e s s b a s t a rd t h at i s. Th e re s t o f t h e zo d i a c i s s i c k a n d t i re d o f b e i n g i nt i m ate d by yo u r d i st a nt l y co o l co m p o s u re. Wo u l d i t k i l l yo u to m a k e l i k e a s’m o re a n d wa r m i t u p a l i t t l e ? An d w h i l e yo u r at i t, q ui t a c t i n g l i k i n g yo u’re s o g o d d a m n s m a r t . Yo u r e m o t i o n a l I Q i s a m e re h a l f o f yo u r i nte l l e c t ua l I Q. R e co gn i ze ! Yo u h a v e r e a l a d d i c t i o n p r o b l e m s d o n ' t y a ? Ya k n o w w h a t t h e y s a y ! T h e o n l y w a y t o b e a t a n a d d i c t i o n i s t o s u b s t i t u t e a n o t h e r. T h e s t a r s are confiding in me that the best course of action for you to fill the void is to learn the art of Tibetan throat singing. Ooh La La!!!


WEAKL Y tE LEPATH July 2 009 “If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace.”- Thomas Paine Volume 1.2

Rocket mermaid. Rainbow Tai lgating Daytona Beach,FL; July 4,1896. Springs, FL; July 4, 195 ?

Parading down Central Ave. Orlando, FL; July 4, 1882-87(?)

American gypsy. Carnero Spring, Drunk spills in Tallahassee ‘s Soldiers re-enlist on Independence Day. Baghdad, Iraq; July 4, 2008. [US Army] AZ;July4,1998.[JustinMcDougall] infamous “gutter”. July4,1968.

Pageantry. Lakeland, FL; J uly 4, 1923.

Jack Johnson def. James J Jeffries in the “Fight of the Century” sparking race-riots. Reno; NV. July 4, 1910. [National Archives]

“Rookie of the Year” Dale Earnhart is runner-up of Firecracker 400. Daytona, FL; July 4,1979. Native spark .Dells,WI; July 4,1953. [Francis Miller]


Weakly Telepath #2 - June/July 2009  

We think so you don't have to!