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The Wine Issue

Voted America’s #1 Adult Magazine

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Things You Should Know about Wine for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is approaching and many couples will celebrate the occasion with an elegant dinner out or stay home and share a candlelight dinner over a romantic glass of wine. Then there are people that will scramble to grab a romantic card or pick up a bottle of wine on the way home from work. However, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, there are some important things to consider about wine before popping the cork, or perhaps even popping the question. 1. Popping the cork Just like in a relationship, getting off to a good start always helps. To open a bottle of wine, using a waiter’s corkscrew, cut the foil all the way around the rim of the bottle. Remove the foil. Unfold your corkscrew and penetrate the cork slightly off center so the “worm” of the corkscrew will feed into the center of the cork. 2. How to master the pour If you’re looking to impress your partner, you will want to start with the pouring process. When you pour the wine, try not to clang the top of the glass with the neck of the bottle. When you are finishing your pour, give the bottle a slight twist upward to keep it from dripping. 3. Use the right wine glass Scientific studies have been done and there is a method to the madness. Red wine glasses are generally larger and have a bigger bowl. White wine glasses are narrower and taller. 4. Best wines with chocolate Syrah-based wines have a richness of plumy, blackberry fruit and a dense, textured mouth-feel that can’t be beat with chocolate. It is available at price points from $6 to $26, and frequently tastes far above cost so they really tend to over-deliver. If you want the best of both worlds you can find a new wine called ChocoVine that blends rich Dutch chocolate and fine red wine. 5. Storing wine for the special night The basic rule of thumb for wine storage is “cellar temperature” which is generally about 50 degrees. Equally important is the serving temperature. On the whole, American’s consume white wines too cold – resulting in closed, tight, uninteresting, flat-flavored wines – and red wines too warm – yielding “hot,” alcoholic, burned, over-cooked flavors. Based on a starting point of 50 degrees: Whites – refrigerate for 3 to 4 hours prior to service. Initial pours will be chilled; optimal flavors of the wine will be displayed as the wine begins to warm by way of ambient room temperature. Place wine in a ceramic bottle holder for dinner. The wine will hold a good temperature of roughly 45 degrees in the chiller and “open” in the glass it will warm to 50 – 55 degrees as you enjoy the wine. Reds – remove from “cellar” storage (50 degrees) about 20 minutes prior to service allowing the wine to warm. Optimal enjoyment level for reds is between 62 and 66 degrees. 6. Wine can be considered an aphrodisiac As with any alcohol, wine has been known to increase a person’s sexual desire and has been used for centuries as a natural aphrodisiac. In particular, red wine is rich in resveratrol, a form of antioxidant which increases estrogen production. In general, wine helps people relax while also stimulating their senses. More specifically, there is an incredibly unique wine produced by Andrew Quady in Madera, California called Quady “Deviation.” It is infused with Rose Geranium and Damiana, an herb from Central America with libido-enhancing properties. METRO

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The Wine Bottle Wine Glass Suggests You Have A Drinking Problem Do you often feel like wine glasses just aren’t big enough? Do you sometimes drink wine straight out of the bottle when no one is looking? Do you wish you could replace water with wine in all situations? If you’ve answered with a resounding yes to the questions above, than the Wine Bottle Wine Glass is for you. Don’t let the size of your wine glass restrict your love for wine any longer. If you really, really love wine, you ought to show it. And a wine glass that fits an ENTIRE bottle of wine is one bold way to make that statement. Now, people will judge you for drinking with this glass. And, you will definitely get dirty looks when you empty out the contents of a bottle intended for a group into your own glass. But hey, as the Wine Bottle Wine Glass clearly states, at least you’ve found a glass the meets your needs. You can get this completely selfish and entirely indulgent wine glass at the Home Wet Bar for $17.95.

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Does All Wine Taste the Same? On May 24, 1976, the British wine merchant Steven Spurrier organized a blind tasting of French and Californian wines. Spurrier was a Francophile and, like most wine experts, didn’t expect the New World upstarts to compete with the premiers crus from Bordeaux. He assembled a panel of eleven wine experts and had them taste a variety of Cabernets and Chardonnays1 blind, rating each bottle on a twenty-point scale. The results shocked the wine world. According to the judges, the best Cabernet at the tasting was a 1973 bottle from Stag’s Leap Wine Cellars in Napa Valley. When the tasting was repeated a few years later—some judges insisted that the French wines had been drunk too young—Stag’s Leap was once again declared the winner, followed by three other California Cabernets. These blind tastings (now widely known as the Judgment of Paris) helped to legitimate Napa vineyards. But now, in an even more surprising turn of events, another American wine region has performed far better than expected in a blind tasting against the finest French châteaus. Ready for the punch line? The wines were from New Jersey. The tasting was closely modelled on the 1976 event, featuring the same fancy Bordeaux vineyards, such as Château Mouton Rothschild and Château Haut-Brion. The Jersey entries included bottles from the Heritage Vineyards in Mullica Hill and Unionville Vineyards in Ringoes. The nine judges were French, Belgian, and American wine experts.2 The Judgment of Princeton didn’t quite end with a Jersey victory—a French wine was on top in both the red and white categories—but, in terms of the reassurance for those with valuable wine collections, it might as well have. Clos des Mouches only narrowly beat out Unionville Single Vineyard and two other Jersey whites, while Château Mouton Rothschild and HautBrion topped Heritage’s BDX. The wines from New Jersey cost, on average, about five per cent as much as their French counterparts. And then there’s the inconsistency of the judges: the scores for that Mouton Rothschild, for instance, ranged from 11 to 19.5. On the excellent blog Marginal Revolution, the economist Tyler Cowen highlights the analysis of the Princeton professor Richard Quandt3, who found that almost of all the wines were “statistically undistinguishable” from each other. This suggests that, if the blind tasting were held again, a Jersey wine might very well win. What can we learn from these tests? First, that tasting wine is really hard, even for experts. Because the sensory differences between different bottles of rotten grape juice are so slight—and the differences get even more muddled after a few sips—there is often wide disagreement about which wines are best. For instance, both the winning red and white wines in the Princeton tasting were ranked by at least one of the judges as the worst. The perceptual ambiguity of wine helps explain why contextual influences—say, the look of a label, or the price tag on the bottle—can profoundly influence expert judgment. This was nicely demonstrated in a mischievous 2001 experiment led by Frédéric Brochet at the University of Bordeaux. In one test, Brochet included fifty-four4 wine experts and asked them to give their impressions of what looked like two glasses of red and white wine. The wines were actually the same white wine, one of which had been tinted red with food coloring. But that didn’t stop the experts from describing the “red” wine in language typically used to describe red wines. One expert said that it was “jammy,”5 while another enjoyed its “crushed red fruit.” Another test that Brochet conducted was even more damning. He took a middling Bordeaux and served it in two different bottles. One bottle bore the label of a fancy grand cru, the other of an ordinary vin de table. Although they were being served the exact same wine, the experts gave the bottles nearly opposite descriptions. The grand cru was summarized as being “agreeable,” “woody,” “complex,” “balanced,” and “rounded,” while the most popular adjectives for the vin de table included “weak,” “short,” “light,” “flat,” and “faulty.” The results are even more distressing for non-experts. In recent decades, the wine world has become an increasingly quantitative place, as dependent on scores and statistics as Billy Beane. But these ratings suggest a false sense of precision, as if it were possible to reliably identify the difference between an eighty-nine-point Merlot from Jersey and a ninety-one-point blend from Bordeaux—or even a greater spread. And so we linger amid the wine racks, paralyzed by the alcoholic arithmetic. How much are we willing to pay for a few extra points? These calculations are almost certainly a waste of time. Last year, the psychologist Richard Wiseman bought a wide variety of bottles at the local supermarket, from a five-dollar Bordeaux to a fifty-dollar champagne, and asked people to say which wine was more expensive. (All of the taste tests were conducted double-blind, with neither the experimenter nor subject aware of the actual price.) According to Wiseman’s data, the five hundred and seventy-eight participants could only pick the more expensive wine fifty-three per cent of the time, which is basically random chance. They actually performed below chance when it came to picking red wines. Bordeaux fared the worst, with a significant majority—sixty-one per cent—picking the cheap plonk as the more expensive selection. A similar conclusion was reached by a 2008 survey of amateur wine drinkers, which found a slight negative correlation between price and happiness, “suggesting that individuals on average enjoy more expensive wines slightly less.” These results raise an obvious question: if most people can’t tell the difference between Château Mouton Rothschild (retail: seven hundred and twenty-five dollars) and Heritage BDX (seventy dollars6), then why do we splurge on premiers crus? Why not drink Jersey grapes instead? It seems like a clear waste of money. The answer returns us to the sensory limitations of the mind. If these blind testings teach us anything, it’s that for the vast majority of experts and amateurs fine-grained perceptual judgments are impossible. Instead, as Brochet points out, our expectations of the wine are often more important than what’s actually in the glass. When we take a sip of wine, we don’t taste the wine first, and the cheapness or expensiveness second. We taste everything all at once, in a single gulp of thiswineisMoutonRothschild, or thiswineisfromSouthJersey. As a result, if we think a wine is cheap, then it will taste cheap. And if we think we are tasting a premier cru, then we will taste a premier cru. Our senses are vague in their instructions, and we parse their inputs based upon whatever other knowledge we can summon to the surface. It’s not that those new French oak barrels or carefully pruned vines don’t matter— it’s that the logo on the bottle and price tag often matter more. So go ahead and buy some wine from New Jersey. But if you really want to maximize the pleasure of your guests, put a fancy French label on it. Those grapes will taste even better. METRO

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Deadspin Compiles 2013 List of Weird Insertions As in past years, the Sun Sentinel has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity. [Note: Headline has been updated. These are 2012 ER visits.] Sorted by orifice

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a big difference.

Nonsense. We all have a basic idea of what it is, mostly it’s something dumb we disagree with. It feels great when we’re in the midst of those who agree with our assessment that something was nonsense, and we have feelings of awe to frustration with those that don’t.

can be a big money maker.

Nonsense isn’t supposed to carry a lot of weight, much like your grandma telling you that what you were saying was nonsense. Or what you were playing at was nonsense. Nothing that’s supposed to be carried to the lofty heights of “importance”.

And pet rocks. During that short craze they sold millions. Let’s all pause and think about what kind of person would buy, spend money on, a rock to call a pet? Considering they sold millions, the odds are great that we’re amongst those that did. While odd, and seems harmless, I just have reservations, and maybe not nonsense reservations about those that bought them.

But it happens, doesn’t it. Like the mountain being made from a mole hill. I’m actually surprised that nonsense being overblown doesn’t happen more often, beings that we’re surrounded by it. Sit back, take a breath, and think of all those things at work, home, going out and about, social, you name it, nonsense is always there, ready to serve up its distractions. What about standing in a checkout line and you look to the side and see a picture on a magazine with the caption, “mother gives birth to alien”. I want all of you to know right now that I do not personally know, or want to know, anyone that reads that nonsense or finds it interesting. Yet for decades those magazines have been making claims like that and “people” keep buying them to read the goop. So nonsense sells, and in a lot of cases

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Take hula hoops. Kinda dumb, really. Put a circled piece of plastic around your waist and stand there and wiggle like you’re doing the hula. Sold hundreds of millions of these things.

And sometimes nonsense really takes off, like when the crazy as loons Wright brothers kept trying to break gravity like birds. Look where that nonsense went. Like all the way to the moon and back. Yep, the essence of nonsense is that there are those that just don’t believe what you’ve said or done. Or, what we’ve just heard or witnessed. I know what I’m about to say won’t make sense to many of you, but there are those “out there” that believe strongly that sports are nonsense, especially professional sports, and put football on top of that sundae. Myself, I don’t think that’s nonsense, nope, I think those people are fruitcakes. In my world that’s

What’s really nutso is when “the nonsense” gets out there and you have no way of squelching or limiting it. Rumors are like that. Bad equations are like that. Misperceptions are definitely like that. And when someone in a position of authority and responsibility makes a decision that’s absurd and there’s no way to stop it. Like having the Super Bowl in an outdoor stadium in an area of the country that has seriously bad weather conditions during that period of the year. While the argument can be made that this decision was more incompetent than nonsense, either one sits out there with the old garbage. And now we’re looking at weather conditions that are being touted as “not so bad” because it’ll only be freezing not snowing and/or sleeting and/or high winds. They’ve actually made contingency plans in case the game date has to be moved. Ha. I could dump on this like all the snow that’s dropped this winter, but hey, it’s done, we can’t change it, so how do we get some fun out of this package? First of all, if you haven’t been invited to a SB party or you aren’t hosting one, I can only hope it’s because you’re a fanatic Bronco or Seahawk fan and don’t want any other reality horning in on your fantasy. Otherwise, what the hey, fella, get it in gear, call and see what’s happening or start inviting. Plan some outdoor activities during the day. Yep, if the pros can do it, so can you.

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Flag football in snow drifts is a day maker, especially if you let the gals play, too. Have a chocolate football hunt. Sure, find the hollowed out ones then inject them with some tequila, I mean, this isn’t for the wee ones, this one’s for the big kids. Depending on which team you’re rooting for, pin the tail on the Bronco or Seahawk piñata bashing. These can go any which way. Lay a few tarps out in rectangles, tie them together, then pour water on them and let them freeze overnight. Take one end of the frozen tarps up on your roof and nail them on tight and get people to slide down them. I’m telling you, they’ll pick up speed faster than any normal sled ride. You might want to put a net about so far out there to stop ‘em. The look on their faces? Priceless. And now, to help you kick off Super Bowl week, a word from a few of our own. Readers Response: Two Dogs: I wish to know which school of journalism you went to, they need to be discredited. Elizabeth – Dallas Lizzy: I was pulled from nursery school after propositioning the teacher. I was homeschooled in the Texas desert chasing down coyotes and force feeding them tequila. I spent summers milking venom from rattlesnakes and making Texas Boa’s out of ‘em. I can’t parse a sentence and

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: The Hard Score : The Hard Score : The Hard Score :

have no idea of the difference between an adjective and an adverb. You want, you go ahead and discredit that school. Myself, I’ll take that education and run with it.

Nacho – Phoenix Nacho:

contact this guy called George Jetson, very futuristic sort, he’ll help you. Works for Spacely Space Sprockets, I think they’re working on something like this. Good luck.

TD

We try to keep our aspirations to an attainable level.

Two Dogs:

TD

Two Dogs:

I can’t seem to make heads or tails out of this Cowboys team, any suggestions?

Two Dogs:

Any sense in thinking the Rangers can get back to the World Series this year?

Banacek – Glenville Banacek: The consensus is it’s a coin toss on which way they’ll go. TD Two Dogs: Do you people in Texas ever convict anybody of drunken driving? Even after killing someone you let them off. And if there a Cowboy they get a free pass for everything.

What would it take to change your mind about the world’s greatest sport, football, what you erroneously call soccer? Isn’t it about time that even you, an antiquated purveyor of niche sports, would/should join the rest of the world? If Dallas is going to work toward becoming an international metropolis then you also need to respect international aims in sports. Na’cine – New York City Na’cine:

Not really, but we still hang outsiders for asking stupid questions.

I respect what the international sports community is aiming for: trying to grow up and learn American football. The other continents are called the Old World and we’re called the New World for a reason, we’re the breath of fresh air the world needed. Try catching up to us.

TD

TD

Two Dogs:

Two Dogs:

The Mavericks couldn’t beat their way out of a wet paper bag, bunch of costly loafers.

Jerry Jones reminds me of the student with the dunce cap on that doesn’t know he’s the town idiot. He takes pride in producing mediocre seasons and lackluster performances. You’d think that after all these losing seasons he’d figure out his so called schemes aren’t working.

Ciaba – Miami Ciaba:

Bill – Eden Roc Bill: Damn good thing we’re not playing any paper bags this season, huh? TD

Will – Sabine

Two Dogs:

Will:

Texas has great hhigh school football, average college, and medicore professional. No wonder you only have one star because its lone-ly, you suck, cactus breath. Rick – Oakland Rick: Everything in life cycles and for now, yeah, you’re right, no problem there, but calling me cactus breath as an insult wasn’t cool. Do you know how hard it is to get that?

I don’t know too many billionaires that are idiots. Then again, I don’t know any billionaires, maybe they’re all nuts. TD Two Dogs: Physics has made all the important contributions in the world, do you think if that science turned its attention to sports it could greatly improve performance?

Two Dogs:

Pasha:

Only two things come from Texas, losers and wanna be losers.

Maybe if you invented a game where the players wore rocket propelled packs. Listen, you wrote the wrong guy, you need to

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Blake – Ennis

Gene: Hey, Edison, when the light bulb comes on, look around and you’ll see that’s been happening all along. Turn the light off when you leave the room. TD Two Dogs:

Well, you got five senses, pick one and ride with it.

Do you think the Super Bowl is really worth all this? The claim it’s the highest title in the world, that its athletes are the best in the world? It’s demeaning to the rest of the world.

TD

Quinten – Ft Worth

Two Dogs:

Quinten:

If Superman and Batman were alive today, which sport would they play?

Yeah. Yeah. And, I think the rest of the world is doing fine. For second place.

Darnell – Mesquite

TD

Darnell:

Two Dogs:

You don’t even have to ask, I can tell you where they, and other superheroes, are playing right now. There are several State of Texas facilities that have brought many of these heroes in, including housing and meals. Terrell State Hospital has a team, you just go over there and let them recruit you.

Maybe you’ll learn to watch what yuou print about hockey since you don’t even know what quarter they go into the shootout from. You think the blue line is the basketball half court divider. Hockey never should have gone into texas.

Blake:

TD Two Dogs: If you knew anything, ANYTHING, about football you’d know that Dallas has to be completely taken apart and rebuilt including getting the salary cap under control. Jones has mortgaged more than the future for his megalomania and you don’t even get it. Erik – Cedar Hill Erik: Get what? TD

Pasha – Atlanta

TD

TD

Gene – Roanoke

Two Dogs: Since all professional athletes are treated just like property, maybe they really should be treated like such. You know, like you get comps in neighborhoods to check sells values on homes you’d comp players. A ranch style to certain playaers, a two story to others, some with basements others without, except centers to centers, guards to guards, etc.

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Martine – Millsford Martine: Here’s a clue, Einstein, hockey has three periods. A quarter means a fourth, which is what football has, you know, four quarters. Your momma is calling you. TD To finish up, I need to make some comments on the Super Bowl, like who I think will win. People like to have someone like me go out on a limb like this. And remember, this is not for betting purposes. I’m saying this with no ifs or buts or other conditions. I think the first quarter will be tight, maybe the first half, but Denver’s going to pull away then put it away. And no, I don’t care what the weather turns out to be. Seattle’s a fine young team, lots of talent and enthusiasm, but Denver’s got Manning at the helm and he’s driving this ship with a firm hand, and a leadership style that helps men

play above what they’d normally do. Enjoy, have fun, and be safe.

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President Obama Acknowledges Cannabis To Be Less Harmful Than Booze Thursday, 23 January 2014 Says “[W]e should not be locking up kids or individual users for long stretches of jail time” Washington, DC: Consuming cannabis is less harmful to the individual than is drinking alcohol, President Barack Obama acknowledged this week in an interview with The New Yorker. Responding to questions regarding the public’s growing support in favor of legalizing the plant, the President stated: “As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice. ... I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.” When asked whether he believes cannabis to be less of a threat to public health than booze, the President replied affirmatively, stating that the plant poses fewer harms “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.” However, he added: “It’s not something I encourage. ... I think it’s a bad idea, a waste of time, not very healthy.” According to a 2009 review published in the British Columbia Mental Health and Addictions Journal, the health-related costs per user are eight times higher for drinkers of alcoholic beverages than they are for those who use cannabis, and are more than 40 times higher for tobacco smokers. The President also acknowledged that African Americans and Latinos comprise a disproportionate number of marijuana arrests compared to Caucasians despite engaging in similar rates of cannabis consumption. “Middle-class kids don’t get locked up for smoking pot, and poor kids do,” he said. “And AfricanAmerican kids and Latino kids are more likely to be poor and less likely to have the resources and the support to avoid unduly harsh penalties.” According to a June 2013 ACLU study, African Americans nationwide are approximately four times as likely as whites to be arrested for marijuana possession. Finally, the President acknowledged the significance of recently imposed changes in Colorado and Washington state laws allowing for the regulation of cannabis. Though he described the ongoing implementation of the new laws as a “challenge,” he added: “[I]t’s important for [these state reforms] to go forward because it’s important for society not to have a situation in which a large portion of people have at one time or another broken the law and only a select few get punished. ... [W]e should not be locking up kids or individual users for long stretches of jail time.” In September, Deputy Attorney General James Cole testified to members of the United States Senate that the Obama administration “will not ... seek to preempt state ballot initiatives” regulating the plant’s production and retail sale unless such activities specifically undermine eight explicit federal law enforcement priorities. NORML Deputy Director Paul Armentano suggests this new position by the President is significant. He said: “While it is ultimately the responsibility of Congress to address America’s longstanding and failed drug policies, the President can use the bully pulpit to set the tone and move the conversation in the proper direction. Until recently, he has largely failed to do so. But his recent public statements regarding the relative safety of cannabis compared to alcohol and his acknowledgement that criminalization disproportionately impacts minorities and the poor may indicate that the President and his Party are finally willing to utilize their public platform and political capital to fight for actual changes in law, rather than simply acknowledge changes in attitude.” Under federal law, marijuana is presently classified to be equally as dangerous as heroin. For more information, please contact Allen St. Pierre, NORML Executive Director, or Erik Altieri, NORML Communications

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Colorado and Washington NORML: Cannabis Gets a “Super-Bowl” to Highlight Marijuana Law Reforms! Friday, 24 January 2014 Bud Bowl. Weed Bowl. Fill a Bowl. Stoner Bowl. Super Stupor Bowl. Whatever you call it, the teams from Denver and Seattle are in it to win it! And so are cannabis consumers! The annual Super Bowl is always a great time for a few friendly wagers, and cannabis consumers are no exception. Happy to uphold this proud tradition, Colorado NORML and Washington NORML have made a little side bet on this historic game: If the Denver Broncos win, WA NORML has agreed to dress in Bronco colors of blue and orange and sing Karaoke-style Colorado’s (second) official state song “Rocky Mountain High” by John Denver. If the Seattle Seahawks win, CO NORML will do the same, but in Seahawk blue and green and singing “Purple Haze” by Jimi Hendrix, a native son of Seattle. A video of the performance must be posted on the respective state chapter’s web site, Facebook page and on YouTube for a minimum of one week, with an acknowledgment that the winning team’s state is simply awesome. The unfortunate irony is that, despite the legalization of recreational marijuana in Washington and Colorado, the NFL continues to ban its use among players, although it is not a performance enhancing drug. Both teams have each lost key players this season to marijuana-related suspensions. The Denver Broncos Von Miller, 2011 NFL defensive rookie of the year, Seattle Seahawks cornerback Walter Thurmond, and Seahawks cornerback Brandon Browner have all received suspensions for failing drug tests. The NFL would be wise to be more open to marijuana use among players. Its value as a safer treatment than opiates for pain resulting from the brutality of the game, must be acknowledged. With concerns over repeat concussions and the resulting traumatic brain injury to players like Junior Seau, the league should be particularly interested in marijuana’s potential to prevent long-term damage associated with brain injuries. Some NFL players might use cannabis for its medicinal benefits, but others may choose it to unwind as an alternative to alcohol, just as others might drink a beer or a martini. However, cannabis use doesn’t have the same risks associated with mixing prescription drugs, particularly painkillers, and alcohol. So while we celebrate this historic Super Doobie Bowl, cheering on our respective teams, and laughing about the irony of it all, let’s not forget those players on and off the field whose employers will not allow them to consume a legal substance that has never had an associated death in all of recorded history. Let the schwag talking begin!

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Be Happy, Not Content Why You Should Never, Ever Settle

This past Friday I was in a friend’s wedding party. At the reception, while ordering a cocktail at the bar, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation. Two guys were catching up. Idle chit-chat. Two quasi-acquaintances fumbling through a conversation until a natural break would come along to allow each to return to their respective tables. During this unavoidable eavesdrop, something stood out. One of the guys, when asked how he was doing, said that he “wasn’t great but content.” It was a throwaway comment, but it stuck with me. There was this sad permanence in his tone of voice. It was as if he had thrown in the towel, reconciled himself to the fact that he’s never going to be great and that it simply is what it is. I think that sucks. I never want to be content. I want to be happy. I’m not good at much. It’s true. I’m genuinely not saying that to garner sympathy, I’m just a realist. If you were to stack up what I’m good at in one column and what I’m bad at in another, the difference would be staggering. In fact, off the top of my head, my only discernible skills are being nearly unbeatable in Word Scramble on the iPhone and my savant-like knowledge of professional wrestling trivia. Call me crazy, but I don’t see Obama saying “Quick, somebody tell me who won the Royal Rumble in 1992 or the moon explodes!” anytime soon. But, aside from the aforementioned “skills,” I can put a string of words together in an entertaining manner. I can write. And even if the masses aren’t entertained by my crap, I am. It makes me happy, not content. That fact, and that fact alone, is why I’m trying to make a living out of it. That fact also brings me to my point: Being content is not being happy. These two very different notions often get confused. I’m not saying that being content is being unhappy, because it isn’t. Being content is being almost happy. It’s like saying you want to go gamble in Atlantic City but instead buying a handful of scratch-offs at a bodega in Bayonne. It’s like saying you feel like watching a Blu-ray of City Slickers but instead watching a VHS copy of City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly’s Gold. It’s like saying you want to marry a Hooters girl but winding up with a Friendly’s fry cook. In short, being content is settling. It means that you’re almost happy. It’s like saying you’re going to win the gold in the Professional Wrestling Trivia Olympics but settling for silver. No? That doesn’t exist? You’re sure that’s not a skill? Crap. Anyway, why settle for almost? Laziness? Lack of ambition? Fear of failure? Your secret love of City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly’s Gold? I’m not sure if I’m simply being naïve in thinking this, but I see no reason why everyone — and I mean everyone — shouldn’t at least try to be actively happy. Find something you love and do it till you die. That’s what I say. And that’s what I see so many of my friends and family doing. It’s inspiring. It’s also what continuously fuels my attempts to succeed in a business where failure is the norm. And happiness is the most subjective of things. It’s the most personal journey there is. What makes you happy? I imagine for the person who always wanted to be a teacher, it’s when you’re standing in front of your first classroom. I imagine for the person who always wanted to practice medicine, it’s the first time you genuinely help better someone’s life. I imagine for the guy who always wanted to be a family man, that maybe it’s the first day that you’re alone with your kid, just you and him. For the aspiring prostitute, I’d assume it’s the first time a freshly jacked-off hobo tosses a crumpled up $10 bill at your face. OK, maybe not that last one. No, actually, why the hell not? I said it’s a personal journey, didn’t I? Go on, girl! Do I think being happy is easy? Hell no. It’s hard, very hard. For many, it’s simply impossible. But why not try? Don’t be afraid to fail. Be afraid to look back when you’re old and gray and realize you never tried. That’s scary; failing isn’t. I have far more respect for the guy who tries and fails than I do for the dude without enough balls to try at all. When someone asks how I’m doing, I never want to answer by saying that I’m content. I want to say that I’m great. At the same time, regardless of what’s written about me in the women’s room of the Centerport Applebee’s, I’m not a moron. I realize not everyone can be great. That’s preposterous to say, which is why I’m not saying it. All I’m saying is that no one should give up on their own personal pursuit of happiness before trying their absolute damndest to get there. Not the athlete. Not the designer. Not the musician. Not the teacher. Not the nurse. Not the writer. Not the whore. Not the butcher. Not the baker. Not the candlestick maker. Not even the Competitive Professional Wrestling Trivia Champion. Still not a skill? Sh*t.

Page 14  magazinemetro.com

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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Ultimate Entertainer Of The Year Gallery II

By: Ms. Misha Morê

The current Miss Nude presented The Inaugural Ultimate Entertainer at the Wild J’s Gentlemens Club in Canute, OK and it was hosted by Poppa J and Shawn Simms. The contestants battled it out with giant props, creative costumes, soapy suds, messy erotic shows and pole routines that wowed the audience. This is the fifteenth year for this competition and no one was disappointed as the wonderful set of contestants, stepped it up during the night with some incredible stage shows. On Saturday Night, the Pole Dance Contest, The Blindfold Contest, and the Line Dance Contest went on during the Finals and led to the eventual crowing of The Ultimate Entertainer Of The Year 2013. The Winner received the top prize of $1500 and $750 went to the Pole Champion.

The 2013 Winners: Miss Ultimate Entertainer: Ryan Ashley Miss Ultimate Entertainer, 1st Runner Up: Artemis Moon Miss Ultimate Entertainer, 2nd Runner Up: Lilith Sinn Miss Wild J: Madison Wilds Miss Wild J, 1st Runner Up: Brandy Miss WIld J, 2nd Runner Up: Amira Rose Miss Ultimate Entertainer of the Year: Ryan Ashley Miss Ultimate Entertainer Pole Champion: Ryan Ashley Miss Ultimate Entertainer Performer of the Year: Artemis Moon Miss Ultimate Entertainer WOW Award: Miss Piper Miss Ultimate Entertainer Miss Congentiality: Artemis Moon A huge thank you goes out to to the Wild J’s Owners, Momma & Poppa J and staff, all sponsors and supporters for successfully hosting and participating in the festivitites and to all the contestants who competed in the contest. We all had a great time.

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∆ NATURAL HEALTH ∆ 10 Reasons You Should Definitely Have A Glass of Wine Go ahead and grab your corkscrew Wine may feel like an indulgence, but there are plenty of legitimate health reasons to justify your vino habit (provided you drink it in moderation, of course). Here, seven reasons you should pour yourself a glass. Like, now. It Promotes Heart Health The phytochemicals in wine raise your good cholesterol, while its antioxidants protect the lining of the coronary arteries. One to two glasses of red a day is the optimal amount to help you see this effect. It Prevents Noise-Induced Hearing Loss Resveratrol, found in red wine, may help safeguard your hearing, according to a recent study. So go ahead, turn on your favorite tunes and relax with a glass. It Protects Your Skin Again, resveratrol is clutch. It helps neutralize free radicals, which can attack the skin when left unchecked. But pour yourself some wine—and buh-bye, skin damage. It May Prevent Strokes Consuming alcohol in moderation can help prevent blood clots, as well as the buildup of cholesterol in your arteries, which in turn decreases your stroke risk. So drink up! It Helps Regulate Blood Sugar Alcohol improves the body’s response to insulin, which regulates blood sugar. And when your blood sugar is under control, your body won’t store as much glucose as fat. Score! It Can Help Men Produce Higher-Quality Sperm Good news if you’re trying to conceive: New research reveals that drinking one to three times per week can decrease the odds of sperm abnormalities in men. Pair a glass with one of these 7 foods that boost libido, and your guy will really be good to go. It Promotes a Healthy Mind Moderate alcohol may help prevent cognitive decline since it promotes improved blood flow throughout your brain. Who knew? It Promotes Longevity Wine drinkers have a 34 percent lower mortality rate than beer or spirits drinkers. Source: a Finnish study of 2,468 men over a 29-year period, published in the Journals of Gerontology, 2007. It Cuts Risk of Cataracts Moderate drinkers are 32 percent less likely to get cataracts than nondrinkers; those who consume wine are 43 percent less likely to develop cataracts than those drinking mainly beer. Source: a study of 1,379 individuals in Iceland, published in Nature, 2003. It Cuts Risk of Colon Cancer Moderate consumption of wine (especially red) cuts the risk of colon cancer by 45 percent. Source: a Stony Brook University study of 2,291 individuals over a four-year period, published in the American Journal of Gastroenterology, 2005. Page 18  magazinemetro.com

Voted America’s #1 Adult Weekly

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