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the newspaper provides you with April Fool’s Tips that will have you rolling on the floor with laughter

the football team stops sucking

the newspaper

November 22 2007 Vol. XXX No. XI

April 01 2008 Vol. XXX No. XXV

toronto’s student community paper

The Varsity SOLD!

The Clean Criminal Student faces expulsion for attempted theft by Joanna Chociej

Sells for $20.05: “It was all the newspaper could afford” The Varsity, a local campus paper, has been bought out as part of a recent acquisition by independent campus publication, the newspaper. After decades of extorting money from students, they will finally take their hands out of all of our pockets. It’s like those Capital One commercials, but in real life and with no catchy theme music. In addition to the ridiculous amounts of ad revenue, last year’s student levy increase actually gave the Varsity more money than they knew what to do with. With exorbitant new spending habits, the prodigal staff of the publication began to

hemorrhage money earlier this year; it could frequently be seen flying out of their office windows onto Sussex Ave. the newspaper, the only independent paper on campus, has taken on the responsibility of rebuilding this run down publication. An editor for the newspaper was quoted as saying, “We’ll just have to fix the content, the layout, and the lack of dignity with which it operates. My plan is to no longer use it as toilet paper”. At an empty press conference, the Varsity’s Editor-in-chief, Pandle “New York” Vackle, asked a vacant room, “have you ever been to Williamsburg?” When no one

April Fool’s Tip#1

answered, she said “Then you wouldn’t get it. Hipsters”. It was really weird. When questioned about the major sellout, Sam Flickertool, the current photo editor, didn’t express much interest in the topic. “What paper? Oh yeah, I take pictures for everybody. It doesn’t really matter to me, they just gave me money so I kept giving them pictures.” The only staff member who seemed upset –distraught even– by the acquisition was copy editor Jaded Lottocopy. “This was supposed to be great for my resume! Why else do you think I was working here? Now what am I going to put?

Photo by Catalina Gomez

See Varsity cont. pg. 4

Robarts Holds as Fort Earth Hour great for environment, bad for zombie attacks by Alexandra Kazia Robarts Library was the last refuge for many students this past weekend. The place many students dreaded entering —for fear of unending boredom and getting lost—ironically became the only stronghold the school had left after facing a devastating enemy. It all started at 8pm, March 29th during

When your fellow classmate/friend asks for an issue of the Varsity, bring them a copy of the newspaper! Oh man, that will really get them good. April Fool’s, sucka!

Nothing! That’s what.” So at what cost did the century-old Varsity sell their billion-dollar empire? Twenty dollars and five cents. Apparently their news editor really needed a haircut and that about covered it. He wasn’t available for comment because he was too busy playing World of Warcraft, which was his biggest news resource for the Varsity. Writers weren’t too upset –because there weren’t any– and when students were asked how they felt about the change in ownership, most hadn’t heard of either paper. “the newspaper? You mean

Earth Hour. When we all (or those of us who care) shut out our lights for the single hour, reports immediately started to flood in saying that irregularly bright lights had been seen at the Sanford Fleming building. One British student remembers walking up to King’s College Circle to see if they had turned off the ground’s lights, when he came upon a young engineer running out of Fleming with his hands covering his face and shaking. “He looked dead scared, he did,” said the student. Describing the engineer further, he said, “He kept scratching and screaming and crying all crazy-like.” The student, let’s call him George, had a bad feeling and ran towards St. George Street where he discovered others wandering around aimlessly. They were also moaning. Another student confirmed this by saying she and her boyfriend professor were

walking down the road, when they saw a commotion and noticed that people were bleeding and hurt. Her Professor, a notable biochemical researcher, suspiciously seemed to know what was going on and was horrified. In a state of shock he said he had to “fix this” and told her to run towards Robarts for safety. A plethora of students (mostly nerds studying on a Saturday) gathered at Robarts, as the hideous concrete walls were sturdy enough to withstand the attackers. The stacks provided a perfect hiding place for those willing to run faster than their heavy, and not as athletic, friends. All would have been lost if the lights had not come back on at 9pm. This seemed to scare away what can only be described as zombie-like infectious things. Not much is known about how many students are missing (what happened to George?) or who truly saw what happened, but many say that the strict quarantine placed on Fleming reveals that something nerdy went horribly wrong. Let’s just hope the lights don’t go out again.

On Thursday, March 27th, a female undergraduate student assaulted a member of campus maintenance with a mop, which knocked him to the ground, enabling her to snatch a set of keys he had been carrying. The student ran away but did not get far before the maintenance worker notified campus police, who were able to quickly catch the student and take her in for questioning. She now faces possible expulsion. The object of the theft was a set of keys that could open most doors on campus, including the doors to maintenance supply rooms. After being pressed by campus police as to the reason for her actions, the student explained she needed access to the cleaning supplies because she could no longer afford to buy her own. Concerned friends of the student recall asking her to come to a pub night a week before the incident: “She seemed so stressed and frazzled. We thought it would be good for her to take a break from the studying,” one friend reports. “But she said she was broke and we should go ahead without her.” When asked about that week, the accused commented: “I had just spent my last few bucks on a Swiffer and Pledge.” She then went on to say that, contrary to her friends’ beliefs, she did not need a break from studying. In fact, she was doing anything but studying. “I spent that night dusting all the shelves at Robarts.” The student began her mission for dust-free library bookshelves the evening before the pub night while searching for resources for a final essay. “Being in the library made me sneeze and I reasoned that I couldn’t possibly get any work done there in its present state.” Now that this unusual newly-developed addiction has led her to commit a crime, the student feels the need to warn others of the dangers of cleaning. “At first it might start with something innocent. You might decide to clean your room one night while procrastinating on an assignment, like I did two weeks ago. Next thing you know you’ll be high jacking a floor-buffer to clean the floors in the classroom before your lecture.”

2 the newspaper

27 March 2008

Motivational Posters

by Matthew Pope For far too long, the jocks and hipsters have run this town. Well no more. It is time, my fellow n3rd5! We need to rise up and make our collectively nasally voices heard! The real issues need to be addressed, like, who is the superior captain, Kirk or Picard? Is there no limit to overreaching effects of Rule 34? And why can I not find a date on Saturday night when I have every ship of the line for the Trek cannon in my display case, and even have a comic and graphic novel collection that is the envy of all my friends? I would like to address the last point in a way that affects us all. I am of course referring to the overabundance of geekteases on campus and at large. You know who I mean. These are the girls walking around with Louis Vuitton bags and fuzzy boots, who don’t know who Joss Whedon is and spend their weekends skeezing in the club district. And they have the nerve to proudly display “I [heart] nerds” tshirts! This is the most blatant run of false advertising since the Spiderman 3 hype (Sandman? And Spiderman goes emo? WTF). Let me address these impostors di-

rectly: You do not like us. You are shamelessly trying to co-opt the little bit of ‘mainstream’ popularity the n3rd community is currently enjoying. Well, make no mistake about it; we do not like you. You are not n3rd lovers; you are bro-ettes and bro groupies. Have you ever gotten drunk and made a pass at the captain of the chess team? Liar. Ever been to a frat or sorority party? Hmmm, interesting... because I haven’t. Did you understand the title without Google or asking the n3rd who does your calculus for you? Doubtful. So, do us all a favour and take that “I [heart] nerds” shirt off, because it’s a lie. You are the enemy. You use our men and ignore our women. We do your homework, we grade your papers, we keep the laptops your daddy gave you online; we even guard your code while you sleep. Do not fuck with us. However, it would be kind of kewl if you were to take the shirts off now, on the street so we could see. Or maybe just me? You can demonstrate your humility and honesty by showing me that you’ve taken your shirt off on webcam. My MSN is

the newspaper Editor-in-Chief

Managing Editor

Joe Zabukovec

Joe Zabukovec

Associate Editor

Arts Editor

Timothy Ryan

Niya Bajaj

Art Director Elena Viltovskaia

Photo Editor

Copy Editor

Evan Jordan

Elizabeth Hilborn Joanna Chociej

Intern Tracy Chen

Contributors Alan Osadetz, Alexandra Kazia, Catalina Gomez, Lauren Greenwood, Nina Manasan, Matthew Pope, Stephanie Busato, Timothy Ryan

1 Spadina Crescent, Suite 245 Toronto, Ontario, M5S 1A1 editorial:(416) 593-1552 fax: (416) 593-0552

April Fool’s Tip#2

Photo by Catalina Gomez

1337 Speak

Designed by Alan Osadetz in his free time.

Brush up on your British accent, then phone your mother and tell her that you are a nurse at a hospital and that her child has just died in a tragic car accident. Extra points if your mom cries!



Arts Editor News Editor

the newspaper will be holding its annual editorial staff elections on

Monday April 7, 2008

Illustration by Yoojin Guak


the jock talk


by Alan Osadetz

10 Warning Signs Your Roommate is Performing Sexual Acts on you in Your Sleep 1 You’ve had pink eye for over a month. You even went to the doctor for it but the eye drops don’t help at all. 2 When you come out of your bedroom in the morning, your roommate is sitting there naked, unusually spry and pert for so early in the morning, eating a bowl of cereal. He asks, “How was your sleep?,” holding back a smirk. 3 You’ve found strange objects in your roommate’s drawer which don’t seem to match his personality or interests, such as: a fake plastic corn on the cob with a lubricating substance on it, Batman and Robin costumes (even though he was never either of them for Halloween), and/or a bottle of chloroform. 4 When you come home from the bar, drunk off your ass, and you inform your roommate that you’re going to pass out, he immediately drops whatever he’s doing and calls up one of his “buddies”. They’re usually named


something like Buck, Lenny, or Wally. 5 Your roommate’s name is Buck, Lenny, or Wally. 6 You sometimes wake up with a sore back and/or anus. 7 You’ve ever woken up with a sore anus. 8 Your roommate has called you “sweetie,” “darling” or “cupcake”… even if it was a joke or out of context. (Obviously does not apply if you are living with your significant other. ie. someone you willingly have conscious sex with.) 9 You have a recurring nightmare


where you’re trapped in a small room where the walls, slowly closing in on you, are covered in an inescapable plethora of blunt, protruding, penetrative objects. While this is happening, “Danger Zone” is playing in the background. 10 One day you were on your roommate’s computer and stumbled across photos of him having sex with you in your sleep.


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4 the newspaper

1 April 2008

the science

by Timothy Ryan

Alternative methods of contraception For years, multi-million dollar corporations have held a monopoly over contraception. The unassuming public (you) has been conditioned to employ only two forms of birth control; the pill and latex condoms. Using savvy marketing techniques, these corporations have forced other bulletproof methods of birth control into obscurity, ensuring their dominance over the market and your wallets. What you don’t know is that a multitude of alternative contraception methods exist. Let’s take a look:

TIGER BALM For years Tiger Balm has been used to relieve muscle pain and stiffness but it contains the medicinal compound camphor, which acts as one of the most potent (and natural) spermicides found on the planet. In addition, it generates a very pleasant warming sensation com-

parable to warming lubricants. With its petroleum jelly base, Tiger Balm is the perfect spermicidal lubricant.

hind this contraceptive doesn’t involve sperm, eggs, or fallopian tubes. Simply put: you can’t get it up, you can’t get it in.

REVERSE COWGIRL For those of you suffering from chronic sexual frustration, reverse cowgirl is a sex position where the female rides on top of the male, with her back to him. This sexual position is unique in that it seals shut the female’s cervix, prohibiting any possible sperm from entering the uterus and thus the egg. Since the female is sitting upright, gravity helps stop sperm from reaching the closed cervix. As long as this position is followed by the male pulling out before ejaculation it is guaranteed to prevent pregnancy. Just make sure you push her over if she attempts any handstands after sex.

WHISKEY Ah, good ol’ whiskey. The science be-

SLEEPING WITH ME Due to an unfortunate prostate examination accident, I can no longer produce sperm from my penis. I am infertile, meaning that I can have hours and hours of mind blowing sex with no risk of pregnancy. I promise (inquiries can be emailed to

THE PICTURES A FORMER EDITOR LEFT BEHIND ON the newspaper’s COMPUTER The photographic reminder of one couple’s special night has turned into my personal nightmare. Unfortunately, this contraceptive works permanently: your dick divorces you, and then explodes.

Photo by Catalina Gomez

April Fool’s Tip#3

Perform sexual acts on your room mate as he sleeps. It’s fairly straight-forward and is really funny if you videotape it.

Varsity Bye-Bye like the Toronto Star? Ya I pick it up sometimes, I love that Rosie Dimanno,” said one confused student. It was obvious that the Varsity’s days were numbered when they invited former editor of the newspaper, Ivor Tossell, to teach them about producing a successful publication. Ivor commented, “the whole experience was really odd. Don’t they have any alum of their own?

Varsity cont. from pg. 4

Also, one of their editors kept asking me whether I had been to Williamsburg. It ‘s très bizarre.” As the first order of business, students will be relieved to hear that the Varsity will no longer be privy to their questionable levy increases, which currently rest at aprox. $20 per full-time student and a $5 toll for people who simply need to cross the campus.

ASSU and AlwaysQuestion beg forgiveness by Matthew Pope

The ASSU and AlwaysQuestion staged a demonstration to demand forgiveness for the Simcoe Hall sit-in. At about 2:30pm on Friday, a group of about thirty students moved down King’s College Circle towards the president’s office with chants that can only be described as muffled sobs. The mob walked to David Naylor’s office and demanded an opportunity to apologize to him. After being informed that the president was not in the office, the group was overcome in fits of guilt-

ridden angst. They proceeded to throw themselves on the floor and refused to be moved until forgiveness was had. After business hours ended, the protesters were dragged outside, one by one, so the building could be locked for the night. The group’s spokesperson said that they would remain huddled in shame on the curb outside until Naylor deemed them forgiven. The demonstrators were gone by about 7pm. The president’s office declined to comment on the incident.

UofT Cares About Students by Nina Manasan As we come to the end of another academic year, we can’t help but feel slightly nostalgic. For some, it is a chance to remember good times, lament hard times, and regret drunken/naked/puking times. For others, it is a chance to evaluate the quality of their student life. And if there’s anything I’ve learned in my three years at UofT, it’s that our university really cares about the students. Unlike York or Brock University (who are all about grades and never having any fun) UofT’s number one priority is to ensure that its students get the most out of their time here. We owe this to members of the faculty and administration who dedicate their time to enriching our university experience. Such commitment is no more evident than in the President himself. David Naylor is not your typical university president. He is a face that every UofT student recognizes and is a friend to call their own. When he’s not rallying for reduced tuition fees or actively engaging in student protests, he is often found playing ultimate frisbee in one of the university’s quads. For the Hammer, close and personal interaction with his students is vital. “Students are welcome to come by my office to talk about their problems or just to chill and rap with me. No appointment necessary,” says Naylor. Overall, students have responded well to Naylor’s warm

and inviting attitude. One student recalls taking advantage of his open door policy on several occasions. “Naylor is so cool! He even has a bowl of Reese’s Cups on his desk. Those things are freaking amazing!” Sharing in the president’s passion for students are the hundreds of professors and instructors that make our education possible. For UofT’s teaching staff, the students are people, not numbers. In fact, all professors are required by university law to learn every single one of their students’ names. A recent study showed a high suicide rate among instructors who teach first-year courses in Con Hall. At times, Robarts library can seem like a towering overlord of dusty books and death. But inside the concrete monster is a willful and wonderful staff eager to assist anyone who walks through its doors. I never once encountered a Robarts employee who didn’t have a smile on their face. I was never told to check out my own books by the check-out desk. And I was never unable to buy a muffin in the cafeteria because I only had coins. As I reflect on years past, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Thank you UofT for allowing me to grow and express myself creatively; thank you for believing in my abilities as a student; and thank you for always reminding me that I am good enough.

Scandal in the English The Briefest Brief Sex Department by Alexander Kazia

Professor Munch Ekelbertonist is accused of being UofT’s token ‘Spitzer’ on campus. He allegedly hired three young international students to be his escorts. He is said to have a particular fetish for having them read Proust, sections of Gravity’s Rainbow, and anything by Sophie Kinsella.

1 April 2008

the newspaper


Porn Review April Fool’s Tip#5 Reign of Tera 2 by Lauren Greenwood

Having not seen Reign of Tera 1, I felt really unprepared going into this. Fortunately, I don’t think I missed much in terms of plot. Reign of Tera 2 is the five minute story of Tera, the bordello matron and her jealous lover and boss, Mr. Jonez. Mr. Jonez diddles the new girl, despite Tera’s claim that she and Mr. Jonez have a “mutually exclusive” relationship. Tera licks her wounds, so to speak,

big cock then you too can be in the pornography industry. Sweaty, fat, bald and tattooed, Jonez only awakened my desire to throw up all over myself in a completely non-sexual way. Tera is admittedly hot, but it’s hard for a girl to shine when she’s surrounded by so much crap. The other girls were likely sold into pornography by their impoverished Thai/ Cambodian/Chinese parents.

with best friend Charmane before bonking two of her customers. Mr. Jonez sees this on the video surveillance system and slaps Tera around for her infidelity (for all you misogynists out there). In response to this, Tera poisons her two customer friends, hoping to frame Mr. Jonez for their murders. The cops come and get more holes than a donut run with some of Tera’s girls. The whole story ends in a real cliffhanger, to be continued in Reign of Tera 3. Written and Directed by Spyder Jonez, he has a limp-dicked appearance as, you guessed it, Mr. Jonez. Jonez is living proof that if you have a

•The face on the well-endowed, freshoff-the-boat Polish immigrant who plays “Customer #2”. He must be new to porn ‘cause it looked like he was actually, genuinely enjoying himself. •The dialogue


Lows: •Asian shriekers. C’mon girls, put a little life into it. •My sexual arousal I give this film one stroke out of 10… I’ve faked better orgasms while eating a tub of Ben & Jerry’s. The only reason this film earned one stroke is because it’s got people fucking in it, and that’s got to be worth something.

Photo by Catalina Gomez

April Fool’s Tip#4

Got a friend with a peanut allergy? Knowingly feed them peanuts after you have hidden their Epi-Pen. This is one of the funnier pranks, but it can often only be used once per person, as it often results in death.

Little Dogs are out, Abortions are in! Photo by Catalina Gomez

Will Arnett’s Sex Tape Starts New Abortion Fad

Eat chili and drink a lot of beer (I recommend Lakeport). The next morning, wake up and lay waste to the washroom. Seal all the windows in the house and leave. Extra points if you crank the heat!

Remember pogs? Devil sticks? Well those days are over. The girls on Bloor St. have taken the little doggies out of their purses to make room for all the surgical instruments needed to perform abortions! It all started with Will Arnett’s Sex Tape, which can be found on YouTube, where he confesses his love for performing abortions. I found it funny my-

a good-looking girl passes a group of guys and the common response is, “I’d like to abort her fetus”. In the same situation the girls will say, “I’d let him put his knife in me”. I was in Kensington Market yesterday and in every clothing store the owners told me that this season’s hottest seller was the shirt adorned with the words “I Heart Dr. Morgantaler”. You have prob-

self, but the joke wore off as more and more kids started operating with their friends. Parents across Canada have been noticing the subtle changes in their children. They no longer smoke, drink, or do drugs. They just hang out, performing abortions. The phenomenon is even changing the way kids speak. For example,

ably noticed them already. If a friend or family member has purchased one then it is a good indication that they are performing abortions in their basement on Friday nights. Shows like Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy have seen a drop in ratings while FOX Network newcomers Practice in Your Privates and Abortion Fever are more popular than ever. There

by Joe Zabukovec

is even a reality TV show in the works. I had mixed reactions about this new fad. To be completely honest, I was disgusted, disturbed, and mildly saddened by the state of our nation, but I was also oddly intrigued. So, I picked up a scalpel. I don’t want to go into great detail here, because I understand that it is a touchy subject for people who are narrow-minded and refuse to listen to reason, but I will say this: there are a lot of positive attributes to the activity. It doesn’t contribute to climate change, it is compliant with Earth Hour, it brings people together, and it is a cheap activity. Suggest it after seeing a movie with friends, during family night, or at your bible studies group.

Stephanie Busato

6 the newspaper

1 April 2008

The University of Toronto Varsity Blues have a rich, century-old football tradition full of victorious banners and trophies, but now they have one more honour to be proud of— the biggest win and end of the longest losing streak in Canadian university history! The Varsity Blues have won the Vanier Cup! It seemed that losing was making its home at UofT (with a 48-game losing streak), but we now have something amazing and wonderful to shout about. Last Saturday, the Varsity Blues Football team snatched the Vanier Cup from the Saint Mary Huskies in a 28-14 victory. Credit must be paid to those who have helped this season, which has been a Cinderella-like fairytale story of ambition, determination, and serious professional help. At the beginning of this season there was a quiet meeting between UofT president, David Naylor, and football head coach, Steve Howlett. I happened to be listening at the door to their conversation (by complete coincidence) and overheard shocking news. Apparently, the 48-game losing streak had some NFL big shots talking about how they could help the Blues. NFL head coaches, Tom Coughlin (New York Giants), Wade Philip (Dallas Cowboys), Bill Bellchick (New England

Patriots) and finally Mike McCarthy (Green Bay Packers) ironically each have a nephew or a niece who attend the University of Toronto. Each niece and nephew is a diehard football fan and begged their uncles to help the Blues win. So, each head coach sat down to devise a strategy and game plan to help the struggling Blues. A game-by-game approach was finalized in late August, and given to Blues coach Steve Howlett. Upon completion of the new strategy, the head coaches of the top four NFL teams volunteered an array of their respective staff. Chris Palmer (Giants) volunteered his time to our quarterback; Pat Flaherty (Giants) assisted Dan Crifo with the offensive line; Bob Sanders (Packers) aided Joe Rumolo with the defensive line; lastly, Bruce Read (Cowboys) spent his time with Keith Castello on the special teams. By early September, the Varsity Blues were ready. With the help of the New York Giants, Dallas Cowboys,

New England Patriots and the Green Bay Packers, alongside the raw talent of the Varsity Blues, the Blues were led to a 28-14 victory for the Vanier Cup! It’s ours! What makes this story a fairy tale is that the Varsity Blues, were not told prior to the game that NFL scouts were in the crowd. After the glorious win the entire Varsity roster were given contracts for a variety of NFL teams. To name a few: Stinson is off to Dallas, Tutti went to New York, and Goncalves is gone to New York. I don’t think the Varsity Blues could have wished for a more perfect season. NFL coaches and assistants, pro-careers ahead of them, and a Vanier Cup over their shoulders. Talk about a perfect season! Photo by Catalina Gomez

by Stephanie Busato

April Fool’s Tip#6

Photo by Catalina Gomez

Varsity Blues Win Vanier Cup!!!

After I’ve done all those other April Fool’s jokes I like to really take it to the next level. Toilet paper your friends favourite chair! I know, it’s edgy but it is really worth seeing the look on their face.


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8 the newspaper

1 April 2008

Lessons Learned in Engineering at UofT Engineering at UofT has taught me many lessons in my four-year undergraduate stint. I have had an up-anddown academic career (I am currently on the Dean’s Honour List and academic probation, no joke), but the things that I have learned are cumulative of my student experience in and out of the classroom. The most important lessons that I have taken from this wonderful institution are outlined in the following list. I have learned: • That hacking into a computer does not involve navigating a 3-D maze of whirl-

ing bits using a joystick, as portrayed in the movie Hackers. • That “reversing the polarity” will NOT give an electronic device the reverse functionality - such as going back in time instead of forward in time. • That to hook up with a chick, it’s more effective to get her drunk than to tell her she has pretty eyes. • That productivity is at its highest in the last six hours before a deadline or exam. • That working out and having big muscles does more to attract girls than

impressing them with my math and physics skills. • How to effectively communicate in eleven new (programming) languages. • That the gym at Hart House is for chumps and the gym at the Athletic Centre is for champs. • That I really am superior to people who are in other faculties or who went to other schools. • How to hack into ROSI. That way if a girl doesn’t give me her phone number I can find her email and street address. I then send her an email that she should

‘expect a surprise tonight’, and show up at her house naked with a dozen roses. • That people who sit in the front of the class don’t actually get the highest marks they just ask the dumbest questions. • That TAs are not really assholes, they just have no souls. • That three beers can be funneled in as many seconds, provided there is an effective application of the laws of hydrostatics. • To stay away from OCAD chicks. • To stay away from OCAD.

by Brock Pagnello

• That going to your own class drunk is not fun; going to someone else’s class drunk is fun. • That studying for exams doesn’t really affect the final grade. • That I don’t really want to be an engineer when I grow up. • Most importantly, I learned from the class ‘Entrepreneurship for Engineers’ how to propose a business plan, wherein I get other engineers to do all my engineering work for me.

the c o m i c s Hey, how’s it goin’ Hey, how’s it goin’? You know... same old.

Hey, how’s it goin’?

Hey, how’s it goin’?

I’ve just contracted a severe case of syphilis and will likely die.

My parents were decapitated in a horrific tandem bicycle accident. I’m depressed and do You know... same old. not want be alone

I have to go bowling. You know... same old.

Hey, he was right.

Issue 25 - April 1 2008  

When your fellow classmate/friend asks for an issue of the Varsity, bring them a copy of the newspaper! Oh man, that will really get them go...

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