HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 10, Issue 3 The Male Model Issue
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Ross Boehme ’15 Henry Fremont ’15
Head Writer Tom Wakin ’16
Leading Consultants Jamie Goodin ’17 Austin Parsons ’17
Head of Production Lydia Karlson ’16
Mackey Borg ’14 Justine Decker ’14 Michelle Einstein ’14 Joe Evers ’14 Joey Frankl ’14 Sarah Haight ’14 Libie Motchan ’14 Sophie Nikitas ’14 Megan Schwartz ’14
Coat Rack ’99 Tyler Krentz ’15 Spencer Carter ’16 Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Anthony Granai ’16 Bailey Polonsky ’16 Emma Soglin ’16 Jinath Tasnim ’16 Declan Cummings ’17 Ellie Fuqua ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17 Marissa Heim ’17 Natalie Kronebusch ’17 Eli Lilleskov ’17 E.J. Schoenborn ’17 On Sabbatical Phineas Rueckert ’15 Contributing Writer Kyle Coombs ’14
Andrew Shirley - Please come back! Barry Cytron - We’ve learned you’re an avid reader of the Hege! Hot towels - What you do is not overlooked. You, meticulous reader who actually reads the masthead. Founders: Mikey Freedman ‘11 & Dan Rocklin ‘11
Contact us: firstname.lastname@example.org @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105
Copy edited by: Mackey Borg Michelle Einstein Joey Frankl Austin Parsons Tom Wakin
The Hegemonocle is published four times per academic year. All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2014.
Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, peanut butter and jelly; these are the
great duos of American history and we hope to join them through our wild success as Co-Editors-in-Chief of The Macalester Hegemonocle.
“Snowball’s chance in hell,” you say about our ambitions.
“Well that’s an idiom we haven’t heard in a while,” we say about what you say about our ambitions.
Then we quote Referee #1 from the 1997 American family comedy film Air Bud: “Ain’t no rules says a dog can’t play basketball.”
“But Ross and Henry,” you say with a scratch of the head, “this is your first issue as editors. Isn’t ‘wild
success’ a bit speculative?”
“It’s not,” we respond in unison, proof of our synergy. We surpass the egg toss world record with a
throw and catch of 72 meters, then continue. “What you have here could be, nay, is the best written work since The Things They Carried by Macalester alum Tim O’Brien ‘68”
You relax your shoulders and put down the starfruit you’re eating. “Well, according to whom?”
We editors smile at one another. We show you a list of pre-release reviews of this issue.
"Ross and Henry, in their Minnesotan tranquility, will feign indifference to the publication of a laudatory
study of their editorial work a hundred years hence, but they are as sure to get it as Dostoevsky, and surer than Mallarmé." — John Milton
“How fun! I’m glad you’re getting more involved at school.” — xoxo, Mom
"A more profound and powerful work than this is not to be met with . . . A supple collection . . . The final
and greatest utterance of the human mind.” — Kofi Annan
You smile at us with that beautiful smile you have. “I’m interested, so what’s next?”
Turn the page, and so our journey begins.
- Ross Boehme and Henry Fremont The Macalester Hegemonocle May 2014
NEWS BRIEFS Man Reunites with Foreskin After Violent Split Two Decades Ago Andrew Gordon reconnected with his foreskin Saturday, after years of separation. Gordon’s mother initiated his meeting nearly 20 years after their separation at bris.
Thirty-Four-Year-Old Man Still Waiting for Tooth Fairy It’s been over two decades since Ben Bartelheim lost his last baby tooth, but he’s still confident that the Tooth Fairy will compensate him for his losses. “She’s never come,” Bartelheim said. “I wrote notes. I left the front door unlocked. I stared longingly out my window. But I know she will. That’s why I sleep with all 20 of my baby teeth, and four wisdom teeth, in a Ziploc baggie under my pillow.” Bartelheim looks forward to a massive return investment on his dental caché. After 26 years of waiting and a going rate of $1 per baby tooth, he expects to receive $67.82 after inflation. “It should happen any day now because I’ve been wishing harder than ever,” Bartelheim said. While some might think that a bag of teeth under your pillow might detract from your sex life, Bartelheim explained that just wasn’t true. “They’ve actually enhanced things in bed. Chicks dig it. You’d never expect when a bloody nub of a tooth might come in handy.” The Tooth Fairy declined to comment. Ben’s mom just sighed.
“I found my foreskin through foreskinfinder.org,” said an upbeat Gordon. “I contacted it, and before I knew it, we agreed to meet at a nearby coffee shop.” Gordon is one of thousands of men who have renewed relationships with their foreskins. Tears, squeals of delight, and moments of deep reflection have characterized these reunions. “I couldn’t be happier,” Gordon said. “But seriously fuck that doctor who decided it was a good decision to rob me of a beautiful relationship with my foreskin.”
Runner Wants Attention “Some people like to run for malaria, or whatever,” ‘athlete’ Ellen Freedman said. “I like to race for attention.” For the past four months, Freedman has been tweeting daily about her training for the annual St. Paul 10K to Eradicate Malaria. She’s been checking into the gym on Foursquare, uploading Snapchat Stories of her runs, and taking selfies while she’s on the treadmill. These past few days, Freedman has been clearing space on her refrigerator for a certificate of completion. Freedman is not alone in her lack of interest in the the cause. A poll of entrants after last year’s race found that most runners didn’t know what malaria is. 92% of entrants signed up just for the t-shirt. The 10K race is expected to attract a big turn out. According to reports, Freedman just bought a new pair of Lululemon pants and her ass will look amazing.
Old People Won’t Die, Research Says ORLANDO, Fla. — People aged 65 and older, also known as old people, are not dying in an expedient manner. The study, published Thursday in Euthanasia Monthly, is a good reminder of the wasted resources currently sustaining this bloc of the population. The 40 million American old people have been asked to be selfaware and reduce their growing numbers—starting by doing things like driving the speed limit, eating irregularly shaped foods, and spending more time with anthropomorphic wolves, experts say. Scholars disagree on the use of more extreme measures. “The socalled ‘Old Yeller’ approach has worked to rid us of pests in the past,” said Debbie Manpincher, a youth loitering nearby at the local community center. “My grandparents are dead anyway.”
Daft Punk Not Fatigued After Spending All Night Trying to Get Lucky
Stereotypes at Mac: • • • • •
Hipster Athlete Feminist Liberal Atheist
After a wild night of binge drinking, dancing, and calculated pursuit of sex, the band Daft Punk showed no traces of exhaustion. The French Electronic techno duo began their evening at 6:00 p.m. Central European Time, remaining enthusiastic in their quest for coitus over the course of twelve hours.
“It seemed like they were really trying to have sex,” said one onlooker. “I’m shocked that they were still able to navigate their usual activities this morning.”
Stereo Types at Mac: • • • • •
Panasonic Sony Bose Insignia Klipsch
“I’m not surprised,” said one of the Daft Punks. “We are robots, after all.”
5 YEAR WEATHER FORECAST
Variable anguish with developing hopelessness
Partly gloomy with scattered misery and isolated idealism
Mostly agony with widespread apathy
Some dispair with intermittent optimism and mixed enthusiasm
Professor Desperate to Ignore 800-Pound Gorilla in the Room “What was the change in velocity of the scooter?” Professor Carlos Hurzala knew there was a problem in his Introduction to Physics class, but he did not want to address it. Pretending to not see the lone hand raised in the back of the classroom, Hurzala answered his own question. “Very well then. The bana—I mean answer is 14 meters per second.” The students in the classroom all knew what was happening. They weren’t sure if their professor was too engrossed in the lecture, or just completely oblivious. No matter what, they all knew this was no ordinary Physics class. Seated in the back of the classroom was Bobo, an 800-pound silverback Lowland Gorilla, patiently waiting for Professor Hurzala to call on him so he could ask a question. Bobo was an exchange student from SUNY Primate, on a program to study in the STEM fields. He was at Macalester for the year, and taking physics, biology, and computer science courses. His stylish clothing choices, endless repertoire of jokes, and slick dances moves made him stand out quickly amongst the Macalester student body. Also, he was an 800-pound gorilla. Hurzala’s frustration with the class was growing evident, but the sweat on his forehead came from fear. Stubborn as a mule, Hurzala ploughed ahead with the rest of the lecture. Every so often, he would glance at the clock above the door, praying for time to hurry up. “Now let’s see—uhhh…” Hurzala’s voice trailed off as he accidentally made eye contact with Bobo. Throughout the rest of the class, Bobo raised his hand every so often, hoping that he would be called on. But to no avail; Hurzala refused to acknowledge his presence. Finally, 10:40 rolled around. As students gathered their things, Hurzala darted for the door like a bat out of hell. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to head to my office right away,” said Hurzala as he turned tail and ran. Bobo sighed and headed out to his next class. Outside of Hurzala’s office was a white elephant, patiently waiting to meet with him.
St. Thomas Confessions
Reasons she doesn’t love you 1. That time you tripped while walking up to your presentation in Cultural Anthropology. Idiot. 2. You don’t check her Facebook often enough 3. She lost her ability to love in the Fire 4. “Love” can have a variety of meanings. Cultural differences in Fi conceptualizing love prevent a universal definition. What do you mean by “love”? 5. You haven’t seen The Godfather 6. You didn’t start drinking until high school 7. You pee in the shower 8. She loves Alex. She laughed at his jokes, didn’t she? 9. You’re always on Google Chat, always so available 10. She is a robot, an insentiant insentient being, and therefore incapable of interpersonal affection
What started the Great Chicago Fire? Shabbat candles
Our modern food system which values convenience over nutrition
A desire for pro soccer in the Midwest
O’Malley’s bastard child Acid wash jeans
Not Billy Joel or any of his associates
A smaller fire source
A Rube Goldberg device 9
” ? a h w y a S “ ” ? a h w y “Sa
A Guide to Millennial Slang
I was going to ask “Say what?” Then I remembered the futility of our conversation, of all conversations, because the world is hurtling toward irreversible climate change.
I’m hungry from smoking marijuana, which unfortunately makes me more likely to participate in our food system which values convenience over nutrition.
Let’s Get Baked
Let’s smoke marijuana. Not because we’re apathetic stoners, but because we need release from the gloomy economic reality that our parent’s generation imposed on us through careless government spending.
Smoking marijuana has left me thin and weak, a condition exacerbated by participating in our modern food system which values convenience over nutrition.
I’ve got th e Munchies
So Faded right now
The recipe for your aunt’s fruitcake Food & Drank, p. 69
A review of Prince’s sophomore album Arts, p. 13
Angry rants about irrelevant matters Opinion, p. 1,000
People touching balls Sports, p. 25 7/8
The Hege Weekly
Macalester’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913
Vol. 10, No. 3 May 2, 2014
Fraternity Hazing Ritual Leads to Foreign Relations Incident With China
Pictured left: The Chinese Embassy in Washington D.C. At press time, the building was surrounded with reporters looking for a chance to speak with the culprit. Pictured right: The culprit, Tyler Klaus, easily recognizable from his stereotypical frat bro attire. Look at that douchebag. God, what a dick.
By BRIAN ROSENBERG Editor-in-Chief A fraternity from Washington D.C., Beta Theta Kappa, has recently come into the national spotlight after causing a foreign relations incident with the Chinese government. The incident occurred last Saturday, when a hazing ritual went awry. The ritual involved a student, Tyler Klaus, being fed laxatives and “butt-chugging” copious amounts of hot sauce mixed with 150 proof liquor. The student was then told to go to a local Chinese restaurant and “nuke the bathroom.” However, the severely intoxicated young man misunderstood the instructions, and instead went to the Chinese Embassy, passing out near the entrance. When roused by guards, Klaus reportedly giggled and said “I'm so fucking... just bombed dude! Am I in a party?” The guards, alarmed by his use of the word bomb, asked him what he was there for. He said, “I don't remember, I think I'm supposed to nuke this place, ha ha ha!” The student then tried to sit up and vacated his bowels.
He was detained for questioning and the premises were searched for explosives. The Chinese government is trying to have Beta Theta Kappa investigated as a terrorist organization. They also believe the fraternity may be tangentially responsible for hiding the recently crashed Malaysian plane. Virginia house member Ryall McRouge, a former Beta Theta Kappa member, is vehemently opposing this investigation, saying that “the behaviors of one or a small group of individuals should not reflect poorly on this organization as a whole. Beta Theta Kappa is committed to community service and the bettering of fine young men. I can assure you this entire incident is completely opposed to our values.” When reached for interview, Klaus's only remark was “Pledge Beta! It's seriously the most... the best thing you can do... for my life. I mean your life.” He seemed to still be intoxicated. • email@example.com
Who am I? Student sits down for an interview with Admissions Officer Admissions Officer: Can you tell me about an experience that changed you? Student: Yea, I really think my experience as a state qualifier, district champion, shaped the way I see myself. Admissions Officer: Alright, that’s really interesting! How do you see yourself now—if I may ask? Student: I’ve definitely improved. There were moments when I wanted to quit, but I’ve learned to just meet those obstacles head on with initiative so I don’t compromise on my potential. Never compromise. Admissions Officer: What are some examples of you, as an accoladed student, meeting a challenge? How did you overcome it, and what did you learn from it? Student: Well definitely in my bid for district champion. The competition was hefty, but I gathered myself and really dug deep. It was tough to muster the energy to even compete, but I just knew I could do it. I proved to myself I was the person who I knew I always was. Admissions Officer: Wow! That seems like a pretty defining moment to me. So what kind of person do you think you are? Student turns to Reader Student: Who do you think you are?
President Discovers Dogs’ Mouths Still Kind of Gross WASHINGTON, D.C. — United States President Barack Obama declared a state of emergency last Thursday upon learning that dogs’ mouths have germs. “Does anybody else know about this?” Obama asked. Now-unemployed secret service officer Michael Waters broke the news to the president. “He was letting Bo eat peanut butter out of his mouth for the billionth time, and I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Waters said. In a move that he describes as his greatest effort yet to bolster the United States economy, Obama has put his beloved Portuguese Water Dog up for auction. “I can’t stop thinking about how many times I’ve had him lick my mouth clean and I just keep throwing up,” Obama said. “Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner?” According to sources, his family accepted the habit as one of the president’s many idiosyncrasies. They never dared comment for fear of him taking extreme measures. Evidently, these fears were legitimate. Eyewitnesses claim that Obama has taken to the streets and traded in his formal wear for a hazmat suit. Reports indicate that the frantic leader of the free world has been offering any and all dogs a vigorous teeth cleaning. He has been distributing literature on the matter and drawing up plans to have Obamacare cover canine dentistry.
Bo and Barack: Then and Now
Mystery Solved in MATH-155 After collecting data from quite possibly every Macalester student about factors like age, major, sleeping patterns, moral compass, preferred method of contraception, and favorite Atlanta-based trap artist, senior Jim Matocce noticed something out of the ordinary. Among a plethora of standard responses to his Intro to Statistical Moderling survey, one student claimed a 4.20 GPA and 69 hours of sleep each night. “I was skeptical, so I decided to investigate. I know outliers exist— believe me, I’ve read Malcolm Gladwell—but the numbers just didn’t make sense,” Matocce said in an interview regarding Macalester’s latest scandal. “It disgusts me that in the year 2014, people think it’s funny to get in the way of statistical correlations.”
A disclaimer in the survey promised anonymity. However, upon being alerted to this mathematical fiasco, David Sisk threw caution to the wind. Through a 72-hour hackathon he discovered the identity of the practical jokester to be Giussepe Ewerrs ’16. Ewerrs is an architecture major made infamous by a series of heists. Sisk declined to comment on the debacle, claiming to be “too riled up about the entire ordeal.” The case was sent directly to the office of Brian Rosenberg. He threatened Ewerrs with expulsion and gave him a strongly worded letter from the head of the mathematics department. However, even if he escapes with impunity, it is likely he will become a pariah on campus and transfer immediately.
Lifetime Achievement Award For Contribution to Scholarship This certificate is awarded to:
Et Al. “Et al. embodies what it means to be a great scholar: a prolific body of work in diverse disciplines such as Molecular Biology, Egyptian Philology, and LGBT Studies.” –CHAIRMAN
DOGS AND CHICKS PART II
Let’s face it, chicks love dogs. If I learned anything from Beverly Hills Chihuahua, it was that chicks get a boner for dogs. How do these canines do it? After 58 dog years of research, I learned precisely what makes dogs so fly. Check out this D-O-double-G, scoping the pool for chicks. His face says “I don’t need you,” but his body says LET’S DO IT. This girl’s all like “let’s freaking get naked dog” and he’s like “What’chu talking about girl? Can’t you see I’m tired? That I’ve had a long day at work? That I’ve already had sex with six bitches this afternoon? Girl, I need a break. I’m not a motherfucking machine.” Just look at my main dog, macking on this girl: “Hey baby, let’s Lady and the Tramp this shit. I got spaghetti on my head, but you have to find my meatballs.” Girl: “I’ve never met a guy as smooth as you.” Dog: “I can be real ruff too.” Girl: “Let’s get it on.”
This dawg was like “Sup girl, have you seen Air Bud?” And she was like “yeah.” And then they had sex.
There you go! You gotta give it to them, dogs have their paws in some serious lady business. Next time you see a dog, give him some mad props, ‘cause that dog is definitely not a virgin.
Top 8 Cruises • Carnival • Disney • Tom • Control • Penelope • Terry • Chevy • Construction
Classes you’re thinking of taking next semester 1. Dinosaurs 2. Ceramics...or maybe drawing or printmaking 3. Something in Carnegie—probs US Politics 4. Internship with that nonprofit
Pick-up Lines for the Buff Historian Can I be the USS Maine and explode in your harbor? I'll make like the English and send my undesirables to your down under. Is your name fat man? Because you're looking bomb. Will you be Sisyphus and handle my boulder? Are you English? Because you impress my seamen. Is this 1970s Vietnam? Because I really want to unify my north with your south.
c a M t a k n i r D e The Ways W
Earth’s ‘Cool Factor’
The Coolness of Earth Over Time (Not to Scale)
? Time Sedentary Gladiators Dinosaurs Hunter Become Extinct Gatherers Agriculture and Shit
Middle Invention of Parents Using Only Time Will Tell Facebook Ages Cigarettes
Allocation of Funds Saved by Hiring Contingent Faculty
of the Matter
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18.
Henley tees were made famous by Don Henley John McCain has a tattoo of his face on his butt, and a tattoo of his butt on his face The Rush song “YYZ” is about the zipper company The words “opinion” and “onion” have the same root President Ford was named after the car company In the southern hemisphere, twist off caps twist the other way My shoes have velcro straps Compost was originally an acronym; so was Styrofoam Bon Appétit food catering is not actually French Door hinges weren’t invented by Thomas Edison Chairs didn’t have backs until the 17th Century Crayola is a Swedish word; it means vibrant Ron Paul and RuPaul are cousins Ron Paul and RuPaul have a reality tv show together Guy Fieri is not from Italy, but from Israel The world’s brussel sprouts supply will run out in 2030 The element Tungsten’s chemical symbol is W Waterproof clothes are made without water
Judging Books by Their Covers
8% 9% 10% 30% 23% 5% 15%
Upkeep of grounds Literal pedestal for Brian Rosenberg Bonuses for Wells Fargo Execs Departments’ food budgets Compost bins infrastructure Fresh ingredients for Cafe Mac Haircuts for MCSG members
A Guide to Macalester Slang “What did you do last summer?”
“See you at Kagin?”
“It’s so cold out!”
“What’s your major?”
I did something impressive last summer and I really want to tell you. I’m looking to rub groins, later.
I have nothing to say to you. I want to know how good of a person you are.
Third-Year College Student Hates Technology, but Begrudgingly Acknowledges the Necessity of Modern Medicine
After hours of contemplation, 20-year-old George Emerson concluded that he “values modern medicine.” Emerson, a Humanities major and self-proclaimed “luddite,” has repeatedly shown ideological resistance toward the ubiquity of technology in modern society. On Thursday, he recognized the importance of technological innovations in the field of medicine that have in the past (and will in the future) treat his friends and loved ones in life-or-death circumstances. Last summer, Emerson eliminated his Facebook, took down his Tumblr on Baroque sculpture, and threw his iPhone into Lake Huron. Yet when asked to comment on a statement he made earlier in the year that, “as a society, we’re just too connected” Emerson conceded. “I guess I’m glad that doctors can pull upon a nearly limitless pool of information to treat injury and disease.” Emerson, claiming social media has, “eliminated all forms of intimate communication,” prefers hand written letters to e-mail and vinyl to MP3s. However, he seemed thankful that he received immediate notification via text message that his grandfather’s brain tumor was no longer visible on an MRI. “I don’t like it,” said Emerson of magnetic resonance imaging, “but I guess I see its value.”