Spring 2013 Volume 8. Issue 2
The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 8, Issue 2 Spring 2013
Michelle Einstein Simon
Big Idiot (emeritus)
Joe Evers Garfunkel
Bigger Idiot (emeritus)
Mackey Borg Comma Placer
Henry Fremont Henry Freemoan
Liam Downs - Tepper
Audrey Kohout Waxman
Tyler Krentz Derpetrator
Token Hawaiian Guy
Megan Schwartz MVP
Lord Our Savior
Tom Wakin Father of Six
Andrew Shirley CPA
Phineas Rueckert Chuckie Phinster
A Letter From the Editors
Table of Contents Page 1 The table of contents, duh
Page 5 Tarot Cards on the rest of the Magazine
As the new editors of the Hegemonocle, we know that this position comes with tremendous power. We plan to use this power for good. As such, these are the changes we will be making:
Page 9 Pregnancy test: Just pee on the page, if it turns blue you’re pregnant Page 11 Try not to laugh too hard, it’s FUNNY! Page 15 Some real hard hitting journalism on Page 15
the ultimate eco-clamshell
Page 17 The definitive list of what you can and cannot recycle Page 25 Free eco-clamshell
• • • • • • • • • • • • •
Water fountains will dispense spray cheese instead of water My Uncle Todd will find a girlfriend Fewer paper cuts As per tradition, we will be keeping up the puppet regime of the Mac Weekly Gay marriage will be legal for straight people Springtime all year long Our picture (see below) will be on the twenty-dollar bill All freshman will be allotted one friend at the beginning of the year Hegemonocle distribution will be celebrated with one day off of classes Jeans are required in the weight room Justin Beiber will follow the Hegemonocle on Twitter, but we will not follow him More emergency preparedness That kid in the library will stop crying
We hope you enjoy our magazine. Good tidings to you and your family. Love, Joe Evers and Michelle Einstein
Page ∞ The “Doomsday Joke” Laughter is the best medicine
Page 52 & ¾ Photoalbum: The hottest celebs reading The Hege. Page 2013 A strong earnest reflecton on what we’ve seen and what lies in store for us in the rest of the calendar year
Hegemons on Hegebatical Justine “We can’t go on without you” Decker Sarah “No, seriously, we need you back” Haight Jacob “Coat rack misses you” Waxman
This is the one photo we have together on Facebook from our intermural soccer team freshman year. We haven’t spoken since. Now we are editors of the Hege.
10 Things I
This Sp d r a e h r e v en’t O
Vision-impaired man makes faces at a children’s doll for over half an hour
Rosedale Mall, MN
1. Big K.R.I.T... is he the bassist from that band Dashboard Confessional? 2. When does “This is 40” come out on blu-ray?
3. Call me crazy, but I think Macalester might make some waves in this whole March Madness business before it’s said and done. 4. Hey, where’d all those tight jeans from winter go? They looked so comfortable and perfect for those cold, shrunken marbles you call balls.
5. Um, yeah I have a summer job. Sure it pays well. I’m organizing my dad’s vinyl collection for 4.50$ an hour.
A well-intentioned middle-aged man has been contorting his facial features in “goofy ways” for over 35 minutes now, sources confirm. In what would otherwise be the sweetest of moments, the poor soul has apparently mistaken a young girl’s baby doll for a small infant. Bystanders fresh from the scene explain they hadn’t the heart to break it to the man, who “just kept trying to make the doll laugh. You could tell he found it harder and harder to come up with new faces. He would furrow his brow and step back for a moment to re-evaluate his routine.” One young woman explained, “At first, I thought it was a cute joke, you know, like sometimes old people make. After a while, though, I realized the man actually had no idea he was talking to an inanimate object.” At press time, the doll’s owner and her mother anxiously debate whether to approach the pitiable figure, or simply leave the doll behind.
6. Just when I was starting to like Plums the summer comes along! Blerggh
7. Party at the Ecohouse, biodegradable red cups only brah brah. 8. You can’t wear pastels after Easter, can you?
9. What’s up with all these St. Thomas guys and their fedoras? 10. I’m proud of you, son.
10 Things I
1. Cafe Mac gets better every day. There’s just something about eating in the exact same place three times a day for fifteen straight weeks that I can’t get enough of.
Seniors First years
*BAC = Blood Alcohol Content
2. I have a wedgie.
3. I’m sooo over homework lol ya know? Just, like, I’m done, not gonna do anymore, just don’t even give it to me haha. I’m just so over it, ya know? 4. Beet season is just around the corner!
5. There is a party at an athlete’s house and I will proceed to drink twelve beers and stumble there with my friends to drink more and stand in the basement and pee in the corner and talk to a few people that I don’t actually like and make out with a girl/boy/ house plant before stumbling back home and peeing in my bed. 6. The hegemony, oh god, the hegemony.
7. Ehh suns out, I’ll just stay in and wait til winter. Wouldn’t want to get sun burn. 8. Yeah I’ve been hitting the gym baby, its bike season dummy.
9. Doorknob! 10. Big K.R.I.T... is he the bassist from that band 2 Chainz?
How to be an asshole when playing King’s Cup 1. Meticulously point out when anyone doesn’t drink, yet hide your own lack of consumption without scruples 2. Category: Names of pets you’ve had 3. During a waterfall, pretend to drink for thirty seconds 4. Everyone’s drinking Hamm’s, but you pour your jungle juice into the cup anyway, you sick fuck 5. Punch someone in the face— nothing to do with the game, just an asshole move. 6. Make the rule that Billy isn’t allowed to use the bathroom. Gee, Billy, you look like you’re just about to burst. How does that feel, Billy?
Café Mac’s “Pizza Pringles® Pizza” Draws Mixed Reviews Last Tuesday the Café Mac pizza station cemented their experimental reputation with their latest dish: Pizza Pringles® pizza. In a move equally loathed and loved, the chefs at Café Mac simply threw a ton of Pringles on cheese pizzas fresh from the oven. One chef revealed, “the key is not to add the Pringles until last. If you bake them with the pizza, they blacken and char— not exactly the kind of Pringles you want on your pizza!” Student reaction to the pizza varied wildly, as half praised the meal and half condemned it. One student, James Inamorato ‘15, loved the “zest with the crunch” the pizza brought to the table, while Natalie Boyrd ‘13 complained, “I usually eat a whole can of Pringles, but seven pizzas? It was too much.” Despite the mixed reactions, however, Macalester College saw a 150% increase in meal ticket sales by the end of lunch period and received six positive reviews on Yelp. When asked if this recipe was the latest in a recent string of “puerile concoctions” (recall last week’s Pizza Lunchables pizza), the chefs replied, “actually, we just ran out of toppings and didn’t have time to get more, so we borrowed 78 cans of Pringles from Terry Gorman’s Monday morning stash.” However, even with the resulting controversy among the student body, our sources reveal this meal will stay on the menu. “We like to stir things up,” the chefs explained.
More Upcoming Specialty Pizzas: o Grilled Cheese pizza – with Bell Peppers & Caramelized Onions (May. 1st) o Bacon Burger pizza – with Fruit Roll-Up Strips & Arugula (May. 3rd) o Gushers Stuffed-Crust pizza (May. 4th) o Bertolli’s Tomato Sauce on an Oatnut, Marble Rye, Multi-grain Blend (May. 6th) o Sour Cream and Onion Pringles® pizza (May 9th) o Chocolate Gold Coins pizza – with Granola & Artichoke hearts (May 10th) o Peanut Butter & Jelly Uncrustables pizza (May 12th) *Remove foil before consumption
Top 10 burning questions left unanswered of all time list 1. Where do all my socks go? 2. 2chainz: real artist or elaborate troll? 3. Was Russell Crowe dead the whole time? 4. Can I unsubscribe from the Daily Piper? 5. Which Just for Men product does Brian Rosenberg use? 6. Bellybuttons? 7. What happened in Applied Calculus? 8. Is something burning? 9. Does Hamms exist outside the Macalester campus? 10. What happens in Markim Hall?
Alternatives to fossil fuels 1. coal 2. old nuclear power generators 3. holy scripture 4. american flags 5. disassembled solar cells 6. most recent copy of mac weekly 7. post south-station farts 8. windmill 9. petrified fuels 10. semen in a dupre 4 shower
Macalester Hegemonocle Census Stats Spring Survey PLEASE TAKE IT ITS ONLY 2 MINUTES AND IM TAKING THIS CLASS PASS FAIL What is your major? a. Formal Sciences (e.g. Math, Computers, Numbers) b. Natural Sciences (Biology, Animals, Plants) c. Social Sciences (Poli Sci, Sociology, Psych) d. Humanities (Languages, History, Unemployment, Student Debt, Depression) e. Arts (Music, Coloring, Crafts)
Do you support the group KWOC (Kick Wells Fargo Off Campus)? a. yes, because i’m annoying and don’t actually understand Macalester’s already limited relationship with Wells Fargo b. no
spring2013 I’m telling you, the Macarena is definitely back.
If you answered yes to the previous question, did you fucking take my salad spinner? a. yes b. no If you answered yes to the previous question, FUCK YOU a. What is wrong with you? b. Who do you think you are? c. I mean SERIOUSLY WHO STEALS A FUCKING SALAD SPINNER d. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE SALAD YOU SICK FUCK e. THIS ROMAINE ISN’T GONNA TOSS ITSELF DICKWAD f. I WILL FIND YOU
The third floor of the library is a great place... ...to pee!
Hi buddi, Run through Doty 5 naked, then vomit. a. yes Honestly, if a tree falls in a forest, cut down because of deforestation, do you actually do anything about it? a. no b. Yes, apathy is the glove into which the devil slips his hand
Trust me, if you hump that speaker, it’ll play “Baby Got Back.” You’ll be in the lime light!
What you know about that? a. what you know about that b. what you know about that c. what you know about that d. i know all about that Masturbation? a. MWF 10:50-11:50 b. TR 1:20-2:50
Time to snapchat your Great Aunt Eileen!
IF ALCOHOL COULD TALK...
Hey girl, if you close your eyes and grope that guy’s butt, maybe he’ll think you’re blind.
Let’s go shoot some racoons.
Please be careful. This is my salad spinner, which I am missing.
Hey man, I bet if you put that Frisbee on your dick, it’ll look like a tiny worm wearing a huge sombrero.
How many toes do you have? a. 0-4 b. 5-8 c. 9-12 d. more than 12 e. less than 0 Have you seen my salad spinner? Some asshat stole it a. yes b. no
Students earns searching for internship Internship Monica Lewinsky Last weekend, Sophomore Stew Ondeck was awarded the searching for internship internship. The prestigious position is awarded every spring to a sophomore, junior or senior that has shown their ability to search for internships. “We were looking for a certain individual,” says the Internship Representative from the organization company “one with a unique combination of skills and experience. It turns out Stew was the perfect candidate.” Stew, or Stewy as his pals call him, is a Humanities major with a soft science minor. His devotion to finding an internship that never quite fits his long-term career goals is unprecedented. His roommate even told us, “Stew logs a lot of time on Career Connection. He even made a Linkdin.com account. I’m glad he has earned a position that reflects his body of work.” Friends and family say that Stew’s passion for searching for internships started early in his college career. Some described his search as “obsessive” or “getting in the way of barbeques.” However, on Saturday his hard work finally paid off. Stew’s intermediate level of Spanish, comfort using Microsoft office, as well as his work as a camp counselor in high school were all significant parts of making his application look attractive and competitive. “His interpersonal skills are excellent,” Said another Human resources representative, “We just don’t get many applicant who are able to interact with other human beings. It’s really rare.” A representative also cited Stew’s three hours of volunteering at a local middle school as a reason for making him a truly excellent candidate. “I was happy, but quite frazzled,” says Ondeck about the moment when he was notified, “yet I knew when I applied, my unique combination of skills and experience were the right fit.” Stew’s internship begins tomorrow and is unpaid. The internship will improve his communication and writing skills as well as his ability to work independently. Ultimately, the Internship will help him hone his skills for searching for internships later in life.
1445 Elm Street/8-675-3909/America/musicfamilyn’email@example.com
University of College, America Expected Graduation: May 2015 Major: Humanities Minor: Soft Science GPA 3.46/4.0 Relevant Course Work: Introduction to Writing, Research Forum, Public Speaking Center for Abroad Studies, Europe Course Work: History of Europe, European Art History, European Economic History
Unique Combination of Skills and Experience (Part 1)
Humanities Department, University Town, America Assistant to Department Coordinator • Systematically retrieved coffee for various faculty and staff • Acquired fundamental techniques of stapling paper • Catalogued and extensively described paper clips
Relevant Records, Hip Neighborhood, Trending City Employee • Sorted thousands of Meatloaf and Peter Gabriel records • Found Elusive Summer Love
Day Camps Counselor • Served Lemonade and Saltines in sometimes challenging and chaotic environment • Looked after a group of first graders providing excellent supervision • Facilitated popsicle distribution
Service Club, Junior President 2011-Present Intramural Soccer, Most Improved 2011-Present College Publication, Writer 2011 Present Community Center, Tutor 2010-2011
Unique Combination of Experience and SKILLS (Part 2)
Computer Skills: Fluent in Computer, Proficient in Facebook, Comfortable with Microsoft Office Language Skills: Intermediate Spanish, Beginning Hebrew, Reads New York Times General Skills: Attention to Detail. Ability to feed. Can operate a motor vehicle. People Skills: Talk and Interact
Hobbies and Interests
Music: Going to Concerts. Listening with friends. Favorite bands include Radiohead, the Beatles and the Killers, Owner of Mp3 player. Family: Enjoy spending time with them. Having barbeques with grilled meats and vegetables Friends: Enjoy just hanging out or in structured activities such as capture the flag and movie night
MCSG Gets Dat MPIRG $
In a stunning turn of events, almost the entire Macalester student body this past fall chose to opt out of their $8 directly to MPIRG part of their student activities fee, choosing rather to give that money to the entire student activities fund. In a show of thanks, MCSG purchased a bouncy castle and bouncy obstacle course. Both are housed in Markim Hall, the tall, architecture-y building next to Kagin. The bouncy castle and obstacle course were the first additions to the otherwise empty Markim Hall, leading students to now actually have a reason to go there. Since this new development, student moral has skyrocketed, depression rates have significantly decreased, and MPIRG has complained about a lot less things. Students use the bouncy castle and obstacle course all the time, simultaneously having lots of fun and getting healthy exercise. “I like having a bouncing castle, but what I like more is that when I wanna go to lunch, or check my SPO, or enjoy a nice relaxing evening in my dorm room or home without some activist knocking on my door, MPIRG doesnt harass me. It’s a very nice change of pace,” said Junior Delilah Roberts, in a sentiment echoed by everyone on campus. On the other hand, there has been an insignificant amount of criticism of these new amazing purchases. “You should think before you use the new bouncy castle. These bouncy castle companies are backed by Wells Fargo. Have you heard about KWOC? President Brian Rosenberg blah blah blah contract” complained somebody. With the school year nearing its close, MSCG has proposed a vote for what to spend the MPIRG money on next year: • More bouncy castles • free ice cream every Friday • Free ice cream every day • 2 Chainz springfest 2014 • Fixing Dupre • Another ice rink • Dennis Rodman as new basketball coach • better spring weather • KWOC.. lolz jk
COME ON DOWN TO
BEFORE IT’S TOO LAKE.
T GO RECEIP
OF FUN FOR YOU CHER.
T LO HE FOO
IT WILL BE LOCHS AND YOUR FRIENDS!
OF EAR NINGS DONAT TO LOC ED HS OF LOVE.
Drinks: Goldilochs and the Three Beers (5 pounds) —This fun-sized drink platter is perfect for a few friends looking to get loched-in and ready for Kagin, or EnviroThursdaze, or the robot-themed KWOC progressive. Whole Lochsa Love (10 Frankls) — Served with your choice of hard or soft drugs, for when you really need to get the Led out. Lochs in Translation (1,000,000 Yen) — Inspired by Bill Murray, this bland, overpriced whisky cocktail will make you feel like you (yes, you!) could co-star with Scarlett Johanssen in an Academy Award winning film about absolutely nothing. Scots on the Rocks (1 goat or 2 cows) — A Scot Ball favorite.
Food: Loch Ness Meunster (3 Blarney Stones) — An appetizer that’s sure to keep you on the edge of your fishing boat. So good it’s unreal! Lochburger (14 FlexPoints) — Certified fair trade. Celiac Friendly. Vegan. Served with a side of Monster Mashed Potatoes or Lochweed Salad. Nessie Frittata (150,000 Bitcoins) — A spunky, promiscuous unfolded omelet containing chopped vegetables and meats, inspired by Canadian pop singer Nelly Furtado. “You know what I want and I got what you need.”
North and South Dakota Postpone Union In Support of Same-Sex Marriage
- Dan Brown
The Hegemonocle’s Inspirational Quotes
This week, North and South Dakota shocked the nation with the statement that they have long wanted to merge into one state, but have been holding back in an act of solidarity for the LGBT community.
“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog” -Michael Vick
As South Dakota put it, “of course, we are all aware that our two states are basically the same. We’ve been planning to come together as one legally recognized entity for some time now, but feel we cannot go forward with this act of marriage until all Americans are able to wed equally under the law.”
“I came, I saw, I conquered”- Ron Jeremy
The spokesperson went on, explaining, “Truthfully, ever since we each voted to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage we’ve had the sinking feeling that we’d in effect committed a heinous social injustice in our efforts to undermine human equality under the law. After a while, it really got to us.” Another official concurred, noting, “I guess you could say we realized we were being huge dicks.”
“Get thee to a nunnery”- Pope Benedict
The announcement met with a large degree of backlash from the opposition. Rick Santorum voiced concerns of a slippery slope, saying, “what next, West Virginia and Virginia? North and South Carolina? If we let these two take the plunge it’s only a matter of time until the rest follow and we have no cardinal directions left.” Others expressed doubt about what sort of upbringing Mount Rushmore would receive under the union. North Dakota responded to this criticism with a final point on the repercussions of their decision, predicting that both the equal status of same-sex couples in the eyes of the law and the unification of the two states, while extremely meaningful for those affected, will bring no change whatsoever in the way heterosexuals live their lives nationwide.
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country” -Subject line of most recent MPIRG email
“We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal” -Ditto the Pokémon “The Beatles are bigger than Jesus”- God “Be the change you wish to see in the world”- Copper Abraham Lincoln “Seize the day” –Ted Bundy “One small step for man and one giant step for mankind”- Stephen Hawking “I think therefore I am”- Air Bud via Seventh Inning Fetch “Let them eat cake”- Triumphant Café Mac employee “Ich bin ein Berliner”- Chewbacca “Luke, I am your father”- Bill Walton
They love each other, but not at the expense of social justice, what a couple o’ states.
“Float Like a butterfly sting like a bee”- Mothra “Call me, Ishmael”- Carly Rae Jepsen
Yo Mama Particle Discovered
by Admiral Ackbar After years in particle physics leading physicists have discovered the yo mama particle. It’s been determined that yo mama so fat, that it gives mass to everything in the universe. We discussed with the scientists how they were able to get yo mama to move that fast, and the leading theoretical physicist had this to say: “Man, the only way we could get yo mama to come out of hiding was by saying there was a jelly donut.” Other scientists added in “Oh Damn!”
“Girl Can’t Understand Why Number of Friends, Likes Not The Same” -Andersen Pooper Macalester Sophomore Jenna Polke has been reportedly seen in the campus center, distraught over the lack of a 1:1 ratio between the number of friends she has on Facebook and how many likes she recently got on her new profile picture. “If you don’t like something, then, what, what’s the opposite of that? Like...dislike?” Jenna said, igniting a new round of crying as she reached that point of revelation on her own. “I wake up every morning and like everything in my news feed, just as a daily ritual. I also try to create one fake facebook profile every day, then proceed to log in to that profile and like everything on my profile,” noting that this morning she crafted “Spellissa Romaine,” a spunky red head who’s listed interests are being a real person and doing all the things real people do.
The team responsible for this earth-shattering discovery.
We, of course, had the question, how is yo mama able to give mass to everything in the universe, and top physicist Jack Johnson had this to say “Man yo mama so fat she encompasses everything in the universe.” Other scientists added in “Ooooohhhh!” and “Daaaaaaaaaaamn!” This was an exciting announcement as this has come right after the announcement of the yo mama black hole. We asked one of the top scientists in Black Hole theory what he imagined it would look like. “Man, yo mama so ugly we can’t even manage to take a photo, cause yo mama so fat light can’t escape her mass.” What else is there to be said about this scientific marvel? Not much, except that yo mama been with so many guys, that every person on earth has had her. Hanz Zharkoff, former NASA and CERN astrophysicist, is considered to be one of the leading minds in the field of particle theory. When asked about the yo-mama and its implication for the future of the field the genius theorist offered this, “DAMN YO MAMA SO FAT WHEN SHE WALK BY THE TV YOU MISS 3 EPISODES!!!!”
Others in the field believed this to be a totally sick burn, scientifically speaking.
“Don’t even tell me people haven’t had time to check their Facebooks, it’s been like 47 minutes!” she stated in defense to repeated questions about whether it was reasonable for every person to have seen it already. Additionally, to the query into whether she had ever reached the maximum of likes before-- if there was a precedent for expecting such a thing --Jenna took the reporters pen and jammed it into his throat, killing him on the spot. “Oh, fuck,” Jenna cried out after watching his squirming body come to a stop and the blood fountain reduced to a dribble. “I think we’re Facebook friends. Are they going to delete his Facebook now that he’s dead? Why does this stuff always happen to ME!?!?” Jenna’s recent profile picture is an amalgamation of all the most likeable features of her last 5 profile pictures, which is comprised of: a picture of her hugging her dog, on a beach, with her closest betches in bikinis, shot by the same person who took her senior photo, all while celebrating her grandma’s 90 birthday (evidenced by the party hats adorning everyone’s heads). The caption below the picture reads, “Me and the A picture from better days ladies up to no good, with my dog, isn’t he the cutest??!?!?, luv the beach can’t wait 2 go back, I don’t know if the lighting was right, what do you think? You’re the best G-Ma you’re such an inspiration to everything I do in lyfe!!!! =)”
Michele Bachmann’s Personal Schedule
Hege Profiles: The Café Mac Pizza Man
Friday, May 4th 2013 5:23 AM: Awake in a cold sweat. Smack Marcus and demand that he apologize for what he did in your dream. 6:55 AM: Practice speech against immigration in the shower. Try not to cry this time. 7:45 AM: Walk down the stairs in your bathrobe. Smack Marcus for not wolf-whistling at you. 8:00 AM: Paint teeth white. 8:10 AM: Leave the house. Grind the heel of your stiletto the New York Times laying in driveway as you walk to your red Hummer. Make sure the maid Isabel burns it after you step on it. Remind her that “you don’t pay her for nothing”. 9:15 AM: Yell at Carol for wearing the same skirt as you. Order her to go home and change. Throw a glass of wine on it so she has no choice. 11:00 AM: Try to clarify what you mean by “real Americans” without being racist. 11:01 AM: Give up on trying to clarify what you mean by “real Americans” without being racist. 11:56 AM: Bump into a man on the sidewalk who you don’t see because you were looking down at the naked pictures that one of your junior staffers sent you. Yell at him. Ask if he knows who you even are. Say to his face that you would support abortions if they were guaranteed to stop people like him from being born. Disregard his tears. 12:46 PM: Eat lunch at Chick-Fil-A. Have Carol take the first bite to make sure the sandwich isn’t poisoned. 1:30 - 4:00 PM: Power nap/Angry Birds marathon during Congressional Session.
In response to Café Mac’s recent trend of wild and crazy pizza, we sat down with the man behind the madness for a candid one-on-one interview about what inspires Barry Pieman, the Café mac pizza creator. The Hegemonocle: Barry, thank you for joining us. Lets dive right in—why all these zany pizzas? Mr. Pieman sees his hands, not his face, as his truest identity. Barry Pieman: What you see as ‘zany,’ I see as merely an expression of the soul and universe. For me, pizza is the ultimate artistic medium and I use it to comment both on my feelings and the world around me. When you see dough, I see a blank canvas waiting to be mastered. We don’t live in a simple cheese and pepperoni world with triangle slices, the world we live in is dark and mysterious, like zucchini and stale shellfish medley.
Hege: What about the slices? We rarely see triangles; at best we get some irregularly hacked at squares, what gives? BP: If I had it my way there would be no slices, certainly not regular ones, we would merely tear at the pie like time slowly tears away at the innocence of youth. Hege: Uhhh…ok. How about this, let’s say we have a gray dreary overcast day, very dull, might we see some simple cheese and red sauce then? At least something palatable and maybe a little boring? BP: Too easy. I don’t see things that way. As an artist, I see an opportunity to make a pizza that really tells a story even in the driest, simplest of times, maybe something like taco sauce and shrimp, but really chewy flavorless shrimp. Cheese and red sauce does not say overcast dull Wednesday, IT SAYS DEAD! I make pizza for the living and free of heart. Hege: Ok, jeez. One last question, do you ever get any pressure from the head chef or Café Mac brass to make more mainstream pizza?
8:23 PM: Have drink with young hot staffer Todd. Tell Todd he is attractive. Tell Todd that you should go to a Motel together. Threaten his career when he expresses reservations.
BP: Sure, but I shrug it off. My craft means more to me than any simple job. They can tell me to make meat lovers when the PF’s come, but if that’s not what’s in my heart, what I feel in my deepest loins, then I won’t make it. They can fire me if they want, but I’ll always find my dough and brick oven. People said Jackson Pollock was just throwing paint at a canvas, and his art changed the world. Someday I’m gonna change the world.
9:45 PM: Clean yourself up in the Motel bathroom. Go into bedroom. Tell Todd to stop crying. Throw him a couple of bucks for a cab ride home.
Hege: Thanks for your time, and for anyone still reading, this reporter recommends you start eating pizza at The Loch.
7:00 PM: Attend Congressional fight club. Punch Harry Reid in the mouth. Bite Orrin Hatch’s ear off.
11:49 PM: Take off your shoes. Lie down on the bed. Hold back tears. Slap Marcus awake to make yourself feel better.
Pieman’s latest innovation—a big hit with the kids.
Kentucky College students protest cookies, occupy Chef ’s kitchen College students protesting their school’s decision to continue serving cookies on Friday blocked six entrances to the Chef ’s kitchen that they’d been occupying since Monday. Students and other activists have been protesting cookies, the nation’s favorite dessert, and its chocolate chip delicacies. The group, called Cookies off Campus Kentucky, or COCK, cardboard signs all over Jolly Hall, home to the college’s top chef.
Game-Changing Name-Changing A new trend has hit the NBA: name-changing. Most recently with the New Orleans Hornets changing to the Pelicans, many other teams see an advantage in this strategy. First proven with the Brooklyn Nets, rebranding does wonders for the fan base and team moral. Here at the Hegemonocle, we have a leaked list of future team name changes and their marketing strategies. The Los Angeles Great Clippers
Since Monday morning, baker’s-dozens of students have filled the kitchen, refusing to leave.
A surprising and bold move by Great Clips, a Minnesotan company, to buy a Californian team, but in a city known for creativity, this might be a successful decision after all. Each player will not only sport a new, trendy haircut, but also be trained in the art of hairdressing.
“We believe that Kentucky must work to serve desserts that benefit our community,” said junior John Dough, “instead of one that is forcing obesity and remains responsible for our nation’s health crisis.”
The New York Stevie Knicks
On Wednesday afternoon, the group was surprised by a visit from Y.N.RichKids, known for their classic ballad Hot Cheetos and Takis. The group demonstrated their support for the group by switching out the lyrics to their top hit to “Cupcakes and No Cookies.” This protest comes after numerous other COCK-sponsored activities geared toward raising awareness about the issue. In Decemeber, COCK let students build ginger bread homes only to crush them immediately before they were finished. In February, COCK offered to give students free Oreo cookies without the filling. Over the last few months, students have whisked with chefs, requesting that the school scrap cookies from its cookbooks and switch to serving cupcakes. “Cupcakes have not been involved with the obesity crisis like cookies have,” said Jane Bagel. “A switch to cupcakes is an easy, common-sense solution.” Nonetheless, school chefs have recently announced that after “truly pondering” COCK’s stiff request, “Kentucky has decided to continue to serve cookies.” In a two-page briefing to COCK, Candy Applesmith, executive chef, said that, “the causes of obesity are multidimensional.” “At the end of the day,” she said, “we believe that singling out cookies . . . is not the right recipe for success at this time.”
After their outer borough neighbors enlisted the iconic Jay-Z to be the front man for their organization, the Knicks sought a famous musician of their own: Stevie Nicks. Rumours has it, Edge of Seventeen will be played non-stop in Madison Square Garden.
The Denver McNuggets
Ronald McDonald buys the Nuggets. He changes the name to the McNuggets. Look for them dipping and dunking from Tangy Barbeque to Creamy Ranch.
The Sacramento Burger Kings
This name change might be seen as reactionary. However, a new rivalry will definitely develop between Sacramento and Denver. Maybe now people will actually watch the Kings.
Orlando Magic: The Gathering
Looking to capitalize on a niche market, Orlando adopts this new identity. The players on the Magic will be featured on cards as spells, which can be used at any moment in a basketball game. However, this means the organization will have to keep a well-stocked mana pool.
Golden State Ninja Warriors
The final, and possibly most profitable, marketing scheme involves the Ninja Warriors putting on a full scale competition each year during the off-season to field a team. The players will be pulled from around the world, be at peak physical and mental strength, capable of enduring almost anything, and all under 5’10”.
The Daily Piper Presents:
Café Mac Bingo
Monday March 5, 2020
Tear up the rest of the magazine for game pieces. Present a BINGO to any Hegemonocle member for a free dick joke.
Zero-Waste by 2020 Already Fucked Up.
-An unidentified student threw away a Doritos bag on the third floor of Olin Rice, single-handedly ruin ing twenty years of sustainability work done by the college.
Guy in a Sneak!! band
Coffee & Crossword
Players Union Urges Study to Determine the Long Term Neurological Effects of Pushball.
Football Chanting player in sweats
Line over 10
Plate left behind
Mac GOP Member
Headphones + counter
Boy in suit
New jukebox song
Sports bros high five
Reference to a meme
Someone Football enjoying player in Milk bag the Hege sweats
Dessert w/o nuts
Mac GOP Member
PF with tray
Someone laughing at Hege
-Failure to find gainful employment by 84% of pushball players graduating between 07-15 may be indicative of severe brain trauma sustained during pushball matches those years.
Winter 2016 Finally Ending.
-Should get up to 52 degrees on Wednesday!
Harold Status: Alive
Protest-Protest 1:00 PM Bateman Plaza.
-Sick of Protests? Come to the protest-protest at 1 PM.
2014 Graduate James Blickerson’s Chicken Tendermelt: Finally Finished.
-Ends a three year capstone ordeal that ended in the destruction of five microwaves, three panini presses, and two easy bake ovens.
Leonard Center renamed Lynyrd Synyrd after donation by Lynyrd Skynyrd.
-After admitting heir to Skynyrd fortune Shawnee Van Zant, the Van Zant family donates 10 million dollars for the addition of a greyhound racetrack for the Leonard Center.
Café Mac Menu:
Pizza Broccoli – Not to be confused with the slightly less disgusting “broccoli pizza.” Pizza broccoli is reconstituted broccoli triangles topped with whole wheat cheese pizza slices! Like you are even gonna eat anything else! Subletter Wanted: Must have own bed, dresser, girlfriend.
Hege on floor
No bread panini
Someone blowing nose with Hege
Hat + Dessert Glasses w/ nuts + Pizza
Football Chanting player in sweats Dessert w/ nuts
Missy Elliot Boat shoes
Mac GOP Member
Fruit cart reload
Mention of Mac tumblr
Line Plate left Reference to PBR over 20 behind
Mac Weekly on floor
Guy in a band
Mac GOP Member
Happy Dancing Birthday first year
Macalester College Divests from Fossil Fuels, World Still Ends By Al Gore Internet Joke On Tuesday afternoon, after three years of gridlock campus negations and numerous Mac Weekly Op-eds Macalester College announced its decision to divest from fossil fuels. The following evening, the world ended. The “end” resulted of the accumulation of Green House gases prompting catastrophic changes in global weather patterns. Yet, Macalester’s choice to divest can be considered a landmark victory in the inconsequential fight to ensure a sustainable non-existent future. “I’m glad Macalester finally made the right decision to divest,” said one extinct third-year, “I think we will start seeing positive changes around the globe.” The student’s words rang with biting irony as the following day thousands of years of human civilization collapsed amid cataclysmic volcanism and weather phenomena.
A former student of Macalester, whose student organization instigated administrators’ decision, would have said on Wednesday, “I am really proud of what my peers and I have accomplished. The world has a bright future.” Student celebration of thier victory over small private college administration was short lived as the next day the infrastructure of society and human culture ceased to exist and entered the plane of nothingness. Administrators were unable to implement policies of divestment due to the untimely destruction of the hallmarks of the miracle of human inspiration including Italian Baroque Sculpture, the Internet, the modern skyscraper, the Hegemonocle, and flying machines.
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