The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 6, Issue 2 Spring 2012
Party Roof Arsonist
Michelle Einstien #4%*(%&?!
Friends Cast Member
Jake Waxman Oopsy Bear
Mind of Garcia
Alex Juffer Jelly
Ryan Kerwin Racist
An Upright Citizenface
Patrick Leppink-Shands Wack-Tose Intolerant
Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife
The Big Derp
Libie Motchan The Funny One
Mountain Dew Maiden
Shirley he must.....not be joking
Heâ€™s the One with the Ruckus
Heather Renetzky Pleather
One Man Twerk Team
Shoeless Bo Jackson
volume 6. issue 2.
Hello asdadsasads and Birdman,
We write to you in regards to our top-secret party plans for the upcoming weekend. We (Alex
and Jon) were going to rent a petting zoo but when we got there Jon couldn’t stop petting the giraffe so we had to scrap that plan. Then, we thought about having Jamba Juice cater the party, but it turns out Jamba Juice uses asfasdf as their secret ingredient (but I already had a feeling they mixed their asdasd and asdasda in their Banana Berry).
We then wanted to rent a bouncy castle but the owners of it said we could not bring our jasasd-
mop into the bouncy castle, because they could poke a(n) eyxcmxce out. Of course, the logical decision at this point would be to pop these motherfuckers in the mouth and then use our eco-friendly Segways to get away. But, cooler heads prevailed and we made a pit stop at tacobell to get real freaky and sweaty and rub our nipples together.
Then, as I am sure many of you have already heard, adkapkdap adopka adoak adjkaopkdka
ajsdkoak adokak a das d adasasdasdadadsa daasdadadaesjfpo asjdfpoaskfpoakmp whippets dofmapsofmasp paosmfpoam sd as masopfmaspo mf asd asmpfomasp asda dfasdga sdfasadfaafdsafa fad f asdfasdfdasfdasafsdadsfa a sdf as dfa afs fd adfasd da asdfas dfasdfadsfa
dsafadsf a fada-
faefd. Then I said to Al Sharpton, “That’s not an ostrich, thats my uncle!” And we laughed and laughed all the way to Dave & Busters.
Well, as they French always say, asdgsdgfsadfasdfs asdfasdfasdfasdfasdf asdfasdfasdf! But
who gives a shit about the French anyways? All you need to know is the party will be held at 215 asfjkashf and that the only thing you need to bring is sajkdfha, besides your overalls, obviously.
Your Fearless Leaders,
Jon and Alex (and asdasda)
- Frederick Douglass
Facebook Status Deliberated Over For 40 Minutes, Taken Down After 7 Minutes of Not Getting Any “Likes.” After thinking of a Facebook status that was at the same time witty, subtle, subversive, and completely original to coincide with the premiere of the new Mad Men season for 40 minutes Sunday night, junior James Lasarius took the status down after seven minutes as it had received no likes. “I felt like I was going in blind,” James later said. “None of my friends watch Mad Men and all my Facebook friends who watch the show probably weren’t checking their Facebooks at that time.” James added that it was “embarrassing” and that he “probably won’t throw up another status for quite some time” although a friend of James reported seeing a new status after the show along the lines of, “Thumbs up for the racial equality at the end of Mad Men #CivilRightsMovement!” The friend assumed that James was “trying to bring in a new demographic to like his status” but that it definitely wouldn’t work because, “black people don’t really watch Mad Men.”
Spring Break Album Scrolled Through to Find One Picture of Hot Girl in a Bathing Suit Freshman Larry Grath, who spent his entire spring break in his dorm room watching all 5 seasons of “Psych” on Netflix, completed the impressive feat Sunday night of going through all 228 pictures on the album “SpRiNg BrEaK Biznitch!” The album, which was posted by this “total cutie” on his floor, had at least 13 shots of vodka bottles, 27 slanted pictures of the skyline, 8 pictures of that adorable dog they ran into on the beach, and at least one picture of every meal she ingested while on spring break. “I wasn’t even planning on doing the whole marathon album,” Larry admits, “but once I got started I was like, ‘fuck it’, there has to be one picture in here of a nip slip.” Although Larry found no nip slips in the album, he was able to strike up a hallway conversation with the aforementioned cutie about the pros and cons of Miami v San Pedro v New Orleans v Puerto Rico v Doty 2.
Anddddddddd quick hits: - - - - - - - - -
What is soup and substance and who do I have to defriend to stop getting these invites? Why is my mom liking the picture of me passed out on my bean bag chair? How long does it take to accept a friend request dumb hot girl who I opened the door for at the LC? What is Zombie Mansion Orgy Mafia Wars and who do I have to defriend to stop getting these invites? Should I show the world how many Keystone lights I can crush or not? How many photos do I have to like before I get ONE FUCKING COURTESY LIKE BACK IN RETURN? I wish I was studying abroad every week so I could keep getting 67 likes on my status. They’re friends now? They must have finger banged or something. When will people stop changing their friend’s statuses to poop jokes?
Blah People Direct Moderate Disapproval Towards Rick Santorum -Soledad O’Brien In January, Republican candidate Rick Santorum claimed that in an earlier speech, he had said that he did not want to make “blah” people’s lives better with welfare, rather than “black” people, which is what the rest of the country heard. Four months later, the Blah people are ready with a response. “Meh,” said John Doe, leader of the Blah Power Movement “Hey...that’s not real cool, man,” agreed a self-identified “blah” person, Sarah Smith. “I want Santorum to know that not all Blahs are lazy. I worked hard to buy my 2001 Toyota Camry!” The Blah people released a statement yesterday saying that while they didn’t really think it was that big of a deal, they did think that Santorum “should maybe hate a little less, you know?” before turning back to to their TVs to watch Scrubs re-runs on Comedy Central. “Yeah, well, I probably won’t vote anyway,” admitted Jane Brown, Blah representative, “But if I did vote, it would totally be for that other guy. You know the one.” Bob John, member of the NAABP says that as a man who can please his wife “reasonably well sometimes,” he deserves more respect from government officials. He also thinks that he deserves government aid just as much as any corporation or big bank. “I’m just a regular Joe, you know, just a classic American. I wake up in the morning just like everybody else, and eat plain yogurt for breakfast. I put on my Old Navy crew-neck tee, get in my car, crank up the John Mayer and head to work...I’m not hoity-toity like these corporations filled with Whack People.” Some of the most irritated Blah people have formed a protest group called the Blah Tabby Cats. But they’ve yet to achieve much at their biweekly meetings at the DMV besides electing a leader who goes by “Just” Malcolm, and deciding they’d all go hit up a Plain White T’s concert next time they were in town. At this weeks meeting, “Just” Malcolm cracked open his PC, smiled at his soothing background - that one with the green hill - and opened the Blah Tabby Cats’ list of demands on Microsoft Office Word 2003. The list included a couple day’s worth of hot pockets and a Kohl’s gift card. “We want the government to know that we work hard to make sure our kids can download their favorite songs on Rhapsody, like Blah Blah Blacksheep, and Ke$ha’s Blah Blah Blah,” “Just” Malcolm mentioned with a shrug of his shoulders. “Yeah! Our kids shouldn’t have to work as janitors instead of going to school,” John Doe agreed, “they should be able to graduate from high school so they can do what I do - work part time as the guy who licks stamps for students at Macalester College!” Cheese So Hard Motherfuckers Wanna Find Me
Doctor Professor, PhD Greetings once again, my string beans of youthful vigor – it is I, the great and celebrated Doctor Professor! You must truly be getting under my skin to elicit such a display of familiarity from a scholar so dour and reserved as myself. Congratulations. There is no prize for you, however, beyond a feeling of legitimized self-worth. For those who may not know me, I have no such affection. But send me your questions, treat me with the respectful awe that I deserve and maybe some day you too can appear to me as more than just a passing dust mote in this fleeting beam of light that is life. Doctor, I’m studying geography, but I just don’t know where I’m going with my life. Could you kick start my compass and help me to find a direction? My interests include cartography, GIS and rapping. -Billy B-dizzle, No clever nickname? I’m shocked. If you’re serious about this rapping thing, you should at least have a good rapper name. The name I use in the Twin Cities’ rap underground on weekends is Dockta Professa. Let me lay down a little sample: “I’ll try to overcome your coefficient of friction / It won’t be too complex, yeah and that’s my prediction / I’m more electrifying than Nikola Tesla / You’ll never ground my charge ‘cause I’m Dockta Professa”. To me, it sounds like the only rapping that should go on in your life is in the bedroom, so that you don’t pass along your inferior genetic code to the next generation (read it aloud). Formal definition: that is what we in the industry call a “burn”. Seriously though, everything that you want to do is probably being done by computers nowadays. So either update your skills, or shut up your grills. Word up. -Dr. Professor Operative No. 602214, Please be advised that our moles in the government have heard whispers that an FBI taskforce is getting close to discovering your involvement in certain historical events of questionable legality. Take appropriate measures to ensure your safety, and the safety of the information that you carry in your brain. -LARS Lars, Very nice to hear from you, my dear Scandinavian cousin whose name is certainly not an acronym for the League of Angry Rambunctious Scientists (the good work of which is making the world a better place through constructive destruction). How quaint that you would find this an acceptable means by which to get in touch with me concerning such matters. Duly noted, and send my regards to your ‘family’. -Dr. Professor
Prof. Doctor, I am a third year Religious Studies major here at Macalester College, and I’m a little concerned – I thought we would have proved the existence of God by this time. Have I been investing my time and effort in something that is completely internal and dependent upon the power of my own faith? Or can you, the most highly educated man I could think of, give me some reason to keep believing? I’d be willing to convert if you can convince me that Allah, Vishnu, Buddha, Tom Brady, or one of those others is the true God. -Divine Confusion DC, You see how it feels when somebody uses your name incorrectly. Except that, whereas your ‘name’ is some uncreative, ill-conceived moniker, Doctor Professor is my actual name. Use it with care. That said, I don’t think I can help you on your issue. Religion is a very personal and experiential thing that doesn’t really fall within the realm of homework. I do, however, feel the urge to tell you that Tom Brady and Buddha were both historical teachers who taught people how to live; not deities. If you insist on holding someone of that kind as a God, then I could think of a living teacher who is probably more worthy of your adulation than some longdead self-help gurus. My office hours are Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 3:00 to 4:00pm. -Dr. Professor
Confucius, who lived from 551-479BC, taught people to live lives of morality, justice and sincerity. Would you trust a man like that, who had no technical qualifications?
Dr. Doctor Professor, Your name has come to our attention regarding the bombings of several Whole Foods stores in the St Paul area by a group calling themselves the League of Angry Rambunctious Scientists. Please cancel any travel plans you may have previously made and wait for an agent to contact you about questioning. If you attempt to leave without our consent, you’ll be treated as a fugitive and hunted down. All the best, -FBI Taskforce Fat Big Idiots, Surely you can sympathize with my battle against the hippies. How will they live if we take away their food source? I think you should reevaluate who you want to side with in the upcoming war – the truth or free love. -Dr. Professor Well, Macalester. We all knew that this cocoon could not contain me forever. It appears that it is time for me to spread my wings and fly away to lay low for a while and spread my genius elsewhere. I think I’ll go to Atlanta. I hear the science there is fantastic this time of year. (And I just watched the music video for “Tip Drill”)
Cleveland Still Pissed Off About LeBron James
-Jeff Van Gundy
As the NBA finals approach, there has been an increase in anti-LeBron James sentiment amongst the rapidly dwindling population of Cleveland. Large-scale riots led by former Cavalier and juvenile delinquent, Delonte West, have prompted police forces to put the city under heavy surveillance and military drones are a common sight on the Ohio horizon. Since James, an Ohio native and former Cleveland Cavalier, spurned the Cavaliers to sign with the Miami Heat in 2010, it’s been all downhill for the city of Cleveland. Outdoor barbecuing and swimming pools have been banned for fear that air and water contamination will result from the large bonfire of number 23 jerseys. Quicken Loans Arena reverted from a basketball stadium into a den of cockfighting, thievery, canoodling, murder, and overt plagiarism. In his signature raspy voice that reeks of cigarettes and moist dirt, Charles Barkley declared, “Cleveland is turrible.” Last month radical Islamist group Al-Fok Yu Le-Bron (which translates to “the heart of the lord breeds laughter”) declared a fatwah against both James and former teammate Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who relocated with his family to Nebraska (and thus doubled the state’s population). Celebrating Christmas in Cleveland has been declared illegal because of its proximity to James’ birthday of December 30. Any individual found in possession of LeBron James apparel is immediately sentenced to Cavaliers season tickets. “The city of Cleveland has reached an all time low,” said mayor Metta World Peace. “At this rate, we just might end up looking like Detroit or worse, Atlantic City, by the end of the month.” Cavaliers fans have been looking to the Browns and Indians to alleviate the city’s athletic complacency, but to no avail. The Browns recently declared bankruptcy, just days after a New York Times article compared the team to, “a group of cross-faded hipsters at a Taylor Swift concert.” The Indians, too, may cease to exist after being sued by the American Indian Association of America for 300 million dollars and a giant teepee. On a brighter note, some Clevelanders seems to be moving on to bigger and better things than the Lebron-mania of the past decade. One Cleveland native, Gerda Bunderson, said that she, “stopped caring about LeBron James after he stopped making those Bubbalicious commercials.” “I’m all about Chip Tha Ripper now,” she added. “He’s from Cleveland too, you know.”
Gossip Grille Gossip Grille here, and it looks like things are heating up this morning, and I don’t just mean the stove top. Coffee’s brewing as usual, but something else is cooking and it doesn’t smell quite right. 7: 48 AM: A line of bitches is waiting to order their morning parfaits. Pardon my French, but little do they know that there’s nothing “parfait” about this morning’s fruit-and-yogurt concoctions. 8:12 AM: First-semester freshman searching for a fix at the Grille. He looks a little burnt out from a night of Adderall-fueled Afrofuturism analysis.... I can tell because he corrects the cashier’s description of “dark roast” to “roast of African descent.” 9: 07 AM: Professor orders his usual croissant. It might just be my sophisticated taste in pastries, but there is something flaky about this one. 10: 34 AM: Breakfast sandwich wrongly served up without meat. Looks like the cashier is about to get served a side order of masculine rage. 12: 21 PM: Unsuspecting, a junior just bought a Cum Laude Cesar Salad. Today, the extra ingredient is in the name, and I don’t mean its academic prowess. ....salads, amirite? 2:48 PM: Spotted: Some new girl ordering an avocado melt on this frigid winter day. Looks like this one is naive to the ways of the world and its avocado seasons, and that guacamole doesn’t look so holy. 4:20 PM: Stumpy sophomore just requested that her muffin be buttered. Is this a desire for sex or calories? Either way, that order is extremely inappropriate. 6: 55 PM: Uh oh, the kitchen is all out of Carnegie Quesadillas. Looks like the only violin this lonely boy will hear is the world’s tiniest one that I’m playing for him. 8:03: Looks like a simple lover’s spat went from 0-60 in ten seconds flat. A girl just chucked her smoothie at her newly ex-boy toy, and I can’t wait to hear the juicy backstory. 9:24: PM: One servant just dropped a piece of strawberry pie. Looks like cleaning that up isn’t going to be a piece of cake. When the Grille gives you lemons, squeeze them into your tea and then eavesdrop on people. You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Grille
Scientists Baffled: Helicopters Don’t Have Wings Everybody knows that to fly you need a good pair of wings, right? Wrong, apparently. This week, science has made another startling discovery that is sure to leave you quivering over your morning breakfast cereal: helicopters are able to fly without the use of wings! “I was just sitting in the park, contemplating the geese, when a helicopter flew by overhead,” explained the scientist credited with the discovery, Dr. Hock E. Puck of the Montreal Institute of Classical Homeopathy. “I thought it was just a big, noisy goose, until I noticed that it was made out of metal and didn’t have a head. It was as I narrowed my eyes to better ponder this strange machine that I made my now-famous discovery – no wings!” Dr. Puck claims he then rushed back to his laboratory, where he got Italian Ministress of Aviation, Ms. Vermi Celli, on the phone in minutes. In one huge, excited breath, he explained the entire situation to Ms. Celli. “After he told me, I had to ask him to tell me again, because he kind of garbled the whole thing up the first time, trying to say as much as possible without breathing,” claims the aging, well-respected Ministress. “Once I understood what he was trying to tell me, I dropped the phone and ran to the window. I could see my helicopter in the parking lot and, sure enough, not a wing in sight! How could I not have found this odd before?” The pair decided to go public with the discovery immediately, rather than sitting on the knowledge with the hopes of leveraging it for power at some later date. “I’m a huge fan of the free dissemination of information to the public,” justified Dr. Puck. “Knowledge is power, and as a flower child of the 1960’s, I believe in ‘Power to the People!’” Though the Hegemonocle was lucky enough to get the scoop on this story for general release, certain important government figures and scientists were brought into the loop early to discuss the possible implications of the discovery. “My main concern is that the helicopters themselves don’t find out,” stated Air Force Sergeant Lou Ftwaffe. “Maybe the only reason they’ve worked all these years is that they were tricked into believing that they had wings. As soon as their delusions come crashing down to earth, so might they.” He added, “This really is a groundbreaking discovery – but hopefully not literally.” However, others seem less impressed with the news. “It’s not actually a new discovery,” opined Soviet Physicist Rube Ixcube. “The physical basis for helicopter flight has been very well understood for years. See, you just need some duct tape, some WD-40 and a boatload of pixie dust. First you lure the pixies onto the duct tape and squirt them with the WD-40 to stop them from squeaking. Next, you form the duct tape into a wing-like shape and use the pixie dust to render it invisible. Stop shaking your head and walking away and I’ll finish explaining it to you.” Not all doubters are as ill-informed and attention-craving as Professor Ixcube. Little Jimmy, the boy I was babysitting last Friday, said he could think of “tons of things that fly without wings.” When pressed, he said “I don’t know – dragonflies?” However, upon further review, dragonflies do, in fact, have wings.
Practicing Your Diction with Male Reproductive Anatomy - Your Childhood Pediatrician
Tired of Referring to your weekend gatherings with friends as â€œsausage fests?â€? Here is a list of creative alternatives: Dick Derby
Seminal Vesical Festival
The Hegemonocle Presents:
spring. 2012 volume. 6 issue. 2
Another Desperate Attempt at Employment Dear Future Employer, Please accept this letter of application for the position of Head Hamburlger of the North-Central Kentucky division. As my enclosed resume indicates, both previous personal and work experience has prepared me for an illustrious career stealing delicious grilled meats. First, while I am well into my 40s, my face remains cherubic and cheeks sufficiently plump, giving me an expression that makes me look conspicuously suspicious at all times, which I gather is the number one requirement for the position (See attached photo). I graduated from San Bernadino University in 1989 with honors, recieving a degree in Food Thievery and a minor in Music (Hambugling). There I studied with the great minds of burglary such as Burgy Mac, Stealy Dan ,and Bernie Maddoff. During my junior year I completed an internship at Monsanto Corporation, where I learned the subtlest ways of food thievery. Since then I have held a position as an Apprentice Hamburlger in the greater Greenville, SC metro area under the auspices of the infamous Ketchup Magee, best known for stealing four hamburgers in one day, as well as the gruesome Greenville Massacre, where a poorly placed drum filled with chicken tenders lead to the crusty death of five people. Yet most importantly, I hold close to my heart an undying yearning for those succulent, mouthwatering burgers and a fiery hatred for the red-nosed fool that stashes them all away, only to be eaten by his amorphous purple blob friends (See photo below). McDonalds restaurant franchise has always been the primer destination for hungry bucktoothed crooks, even though White Castle at one time had inadvertently emerged as a potential competitor in the mid-nineties. The corporation continues to innovate, leading the way in the advancement of poorly planned ruse technology and campaigning for the wearing of silly stripes. I look forward to contributing to the urgent work of purloining burger after burger in the name of cheap advertisement. Thank you for considering my application. Sincerely, Steve Thieveson, CAH (Certified Apprentice Hamburgler) 146 Sack Street Condominiums Hambungulo #26 McDunn, South Carolina 34021
The Menacing McDonalds Muncher Himself
TOP FIVE THINGS TO DO IN SPRING 1. 2. 3. 4.
Complain about how it’s too hot Run into the middle of a random frisbee game. Snatch the person’s frisbee and run away. Sunbathe by the Leonard Center pool Complain about how it’s too cold
Lawn darts lawn darts lawn darts
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Bacon cheeseburger hold the bun (with a side of clam chowder) Whole wheat matzah Crepes (they’re flat enough) Cardboard (see number two) Chinese food (it’s not just for Christmas)
TOP FIVE THINGS TO EAT DURING PASSOVER
PASSOVER SEDER DRINKING GAME. DRINK EVERY TIME… 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
your mother tells you to eat something someone says “dayenu” you get your cheek pinched someone sings off key your grandmother tells you to eat something a relative asks if you have a significant other a relative asks if your significant other is Jewish a relative suggests you divorce/break up with/disown your significant other and get a JDate account someone complains that their back/head/feet hurt you hear a relative gossiping about someone sitting at the other end of the table
TOP SIX THINGS TO DO FOR EASTER 1.
2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
Sit in front of a real bunny. Eat your chocolate bunny with as much menace as you can muster. Sit in front of a chocolate bunny. Eat a real bunny with as much menace as you can muster. Make a gory, Twilight-themed peep diorama. Once finished, explode the whole thing in the microwave. Design an eggxtreme egg stream for your backyard. Put real eggs inside of the fake eggs of a egg hunt. Eggception. Crash your friend’s Passover seder.
Angry Jim Hoppe Leaves Macalester to Start His Own School
As Macalester students know, Jesus is the Son of God, and Brian Rosenberg was His roommate. President Rosenberg, better known as BriRo, but also known as PBR, His Holiness, His Hotness, El Jefé, Yo Dawg, and several others that are banned in Europe. He is without a doubt the coolest, most awesome and totally underpaid college president in the history of ever. “Everyone knows it was really BriRo, not Navy Seals, who got Osama Bin Laden,” said Clark Kant, ’13, “he flew to Pakistan and killed Bin Laden with his bare hands.” And then there is Jim Hoppe, with no ridiculous titles to his name. Jim, or Hoppe, as he is sometimes known, is the Dean of Students here at Macalester. While Rosenberg is off flying his private jet around the country, sometimes for no reason at all, Hoppe is the one who makes sure Macalester functions. Who organizes all the classes and rosters each semester? Hoppe. Who scrubs the vomit from
dorms on Sunday night? Hoppe. Who oversees Café Mac? Harold. But Hoppe does everything else. Who makes sure PFs are returned safe and sound to their parents? Hoppe. Who finds warm and loving families to adopt BriRo’s numerous bastard children? Hoppe. Who DJs Kagin dances when no one else will? Hoppe. “I’m always amazed at how much President Rosenberg does to keep this school running,” said a clearly ignorant freshman, Emma Sochill, ’15. When told that it is actually Jim Hoppe, not Rosenberg, who makes Macalester great, she replied, “Really? That’s weird. Well, I’m gonna thank BriRo anyways.” Although Hoppe’s role as the spinal cord of Macalester is often overlooked, the faculty and staff are far more appreciative. After all, Hoppe is the one who deals with students, so that they don’t have to.
“When I want someone to clean my shoes, I put dirt on my shoes [fact: BriRo’s shoes are immaculately clean, it’s almost scary], and then tell Jimmie to come clean it off,” said Rosenberg. “Hoppe?” said one professor, “is he the guy who brings me breakfast in my office every morning? Well if you see him, could you tell him my taxes aren’t going to file themselves?” After years of neglect and abuse at the hands of students, faculty, and BriRo, Jim Hoppe has finally had enough. One particularly sore point of Hoppe’s contract was the line stating that he must always walk slightly behind President Rosenberg, and must put his coat down over puddles, even though BriRo does not walk, but actually floats just off the ground. Hoppe is also required to provide organ and blood transplants to BriRo upon request. When Hoppe’s organs are all gone, his children are also required to donate their organs to BriRo. “I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them,” said Hoppe, “I’m going to start my own school. Yeah. And I’ll call it, uh, Dragonslayer University. And it’s going to be cooler than Macalester. You just watch.” A crudely hand-written drawing of what appeared to be Dragonslayer University was found in Hoppe’s empty office. In addition to several poorly drawn boxes labeled “dorms” and what appeared to be a volcano, the sketch also included a list of classes, including “Planets of Star Wars,” “Race, Class and Gender in Mafia families,” “School to Arkham Asylum pipeline” and “Regional Geography of Ferrets.” It turns out that Hoppe is not the first Dean of Students to serve and leave under the BriRo regime. When Rosenberg first seized the presidency in a coup in 2000, James Hope served as Dean until he died in a hunting accident. He was replaced by Jonathon Hoop, who after two years was forced out for hiding three pounds of cocaine in a bag he had stolen from Rosenberg’s office. Dean Jimmy Haap was once seen as a potential successor to BriRo, until he reportedly went mad and disappeared. It is rumored he still haunts the Olin Rice basement. The next four Deans before Jim Hoppe have been stricken from Macalester records by President Rosenberg, because their stories were too scarring for Macalester students to handle. At press time, students leaving Weyerhauser Hall reported seeing President BriRo sitting in his office, drinking wine from the skull of an earlier Dean of Students, laughing.
Hege - Briefs
“The Shortest, Tightest and Most Suggestive Package of Information Since the “BoobTube””
Joe Biden to Publish Memoirs in Forthcoming Pop-Up Book
Washington D.C. - Vice President Joe Biden announced during a press conference today that he plans on publishing memoirs of his first term as Vice President, as a pop-up book. “It would only be like 20 or 30 pages so you don’t get bored”, assured Biden as he sat criss-cross-applesauce on the newsroom floor. Biden, who demanded that reporters refer to him as “Joey”, read selected pages from his work. In between sips from his Juicy-Juice, Biden pointed out that a baseball popping up from one page is where his where Biden “plays baseball with buddies, and that there on each page “lots of colors, like purple, my favorite”. Another page features a pop-out Biden holding the decapitated head of Osama bin Laden. While Biden says that he and the publisher have not yet decided a title, possible titles include; The Nice Vice, Bidey-Boy in Da House, or Decision Points II. The last of these proposed titles hopes to build off of the success of former President George W. Bush’s wildly successful picture book that was released last year.
MTV Fans Excited for this Upcoming Season of The Real World: Lancaster, PA
Lancaster, PA - The long running reality T.V. series, The Real World has gained many loyal fans over the years as it has highlighted the issues that truly befall our society, such as the lack of constant supplies of alcohol and the difficulty of finding sufficiently crazy token minorities and gay people these days. Yet MTV spokeswoman Riva Carlson says that this season of the Real World may very well be the most popular yet. With plans to revamp the season and incorporate more “real” elements into the world, producers have recruited seven people to get cozy in one gendered separated barn in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The male barn-mates will work in the fields as the wench barn-mates will be inside spinning wool. Producers also plan to revamp the show’s now infamous tag line “When people stop being polite, and start getting real” with one that more accurately describes the tone of this coming season, “When people stop being real, and start getting Amish”. To celebrate the upcoming season, devoted fans have reportedly already been moving to the country side by horse buggy to raise livestock, churn butter, grow beards and throw out their televisions.
Two barn mates getting hot n heavy this season
The Word “Pootie-Tang” Accidently Slipped into Conversation with Professor
St. Paul, MN - In a meeting with his academic advisor to discuss his plans for next semester, Liam Burkhold accidently used the word “Pootie-Tang”. “It all happened so fast” the MCS-Chemistry double major reports, “I remember talking about whether or not I should take my capstones opposite semesters and then I was just talking about tang!” At press time, professor Kieth Kuwata of the Chemistry department had Google searched “Pootie-Tang” before immediately exiting out of the screen.
Underground “Dangerous Sex” Workshops Organized Throughout Campus in Protest St. Paul. MN - Feeling spurned by the hegemonic discourse of “safe sex” that grips Macalester’s campus, students have recently organized organic “Dangerous Sex” Workshops throughout campus. “We are here to protest the mono-narrative of “Safe Sex” on campus” says Barb Edcock, chief Danger Developer of the DangerSex movement that is sweeping the feet out from under this campus, cause we are into that. Facilitators of these events encourage students to practice dangerous sex through a change in location, like having sex on a cliff or` a thin layer of ice. Organizers have also substituted the traditional, oppressive sexual objects like condoms and lubricant with more liberating dangerous objects like knifes, maces and banana peels. Dental dams will still be supplied at both meetings. Some insiders have revealed that to gain entrance into these meetings, members will punch you in the mouth, but that’s fine we like it anyway.
“Pootie Tang” in his prime. --------------------------------->
Mo’ Kitties, Mo’ Problems
In a press conference last month, the White House announced that it is taking a new approach to the financial crisis – the nation is switching from the dollar to the cat. President Obama described this feline-based currency: “The United States is in terrible economic shape, so we decided to take a foolproof approach. It was a unanimous vote.” He went on to explain, “It’s really quite simple…pay for yo milk - 1 cat. Pay for yo shoes - 7 cats. Pay for yo college - 35,684 cats. Pay for yo Hot Pockets - 2 cats. Everyone seems to think that this is a really good idea.” The announcement has left citizens scrounging alleys, pet stores, zoos, and their grandmas’ house in search of wealth. Evelyn, the neighborhood cat lady, announced, “I’m rolling in the dough bitches!!!!” Of course, certain breeds are worth more than others. white tigers reign supreme (worth over $1,000,000,000), while stray tabbies are worth less than a penny. Nevertheless, the transition has been difficult as PETA announced that it is unlawful to cut cats
in half, “unless you want to buy something really cool, like rollerblades.” Other countries are adopting similar policies. Japan has become a mussel-based economy, England changed to seagulls, and Canada now uses the opossum market. Despite these advancements, America is the coolest, because cats are both classy and fierce.
Hey, that’s not a cat, that an opposum! That ain’t worth a nickel!
This transformation has had prfound effects in many aspects of society. Rappers are modifying their lyrics to fit the currency change. Fat Joe retitled his song to “Make it Rain [Cats]” and Tyga’s “Rack City” is now sung, “Ten, ten, ten kitties on yo titties, bitch.” Since the dollar sign has changed to a cat face, it’s been very difficult to pronounce Ke$ha’s and Curren$y’s names. However, The Pussycat Dolls are (once again) the cat’s meow.
Despite the positive reception of the currency change, there are a fair amount of dissenters. People with allergies are whining per usual. Similarly, dogs are sad that they are not the chosen species (but they are ok). Strippers, however, are the most upset by this new development. Starr Buns, a local dancer, explained, “How many kitties do you think I can fit in my bra???!” and “AAAHHH they’re clawing at my tassels!” When asked about his newfound status, the cat in the parking lot behind Office Depot replied: “Meow.”
“Marky Mark and the Lunchy Bunch” to Debut Thursday NBC announced its new summer line-up on Monday, headlined by a new show entitled, “Marky Mark and the Lunchy Bunch,” which will feature Mark Wahlberg and his goofy crew in their high school years as they get into shenanigans and experience the turmoil and angst all too familiar with teenagers worldwide. The show will be set in the early 90’s, to coincide with the rise of the Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, a rap collective headed by a young Mark Wahlberg. The show will be largely comprised on scenes in which Mark and his buddies Big Mike (played by Gary Busey), Toothpick (played by Steve Buscemi), PJ(played by Dustin Hoffman), and Antwoyn (guess who the token black one is (and yea, Antwoyn will get killed off in the third season in a heartbreaking gang related incident (no, Antwoyn isn’t it the gang but his brother is and he gets pulled in trying to help his brother out (Antwoyn’s death will provide clarity for his brother and make him reconsider every single choice in his life leading up the that moment (these reflections will culminate in Antwoyn’s brother taking his place in Marky Mark’s crew as the token black guy who says funny thing and comments on girl’s asses (also Antwoyn will be played by Martin Lawerence(go figure)))))) traverse the many pitfalls of high school.
Though there were initial concerns that Mark Wahlberg had passed the age where playing a high school sophomore on TV would seem ridiculous and condescending to the audience, those fears were quickly assuaged as it was revealed that Mark’s outfit would consist of some fresh adidas, a muscle shirt that Mark cut the sleeves off of himself, gym shorts, and a backwards baseball cap. At least half of the scenes in the sitcom will occur in the boy’s locker room so the audience can marvel at Marky Mark’s incredibly toned abs and biceps. One episode entitled, “Who Took My Shirt?!?!?” will have Marky Mark walking around the entire episode shirtless as he tries to discover—yep, you guessed it- who in God’s good name stole his shirt. In addition, Mark will carry around a boombox at all times, blaring such timeless jams as, “Jump Around” by House of Pain and “No Diggity” by Blackstreet. In fact, Mark Wahlberg’s age will allow the producers to incorporate realistic, gritty details about highschoolers, such as teenage pregnancy (Mark picking up his 13 year old son from middle school (played by Mark’s actual son)) and underage drinking (Marky Mark using his totally fake id to sneak into a bar and order appletinis). The first episode promises to set the bar high, and NBC has estimated that 3 billion people will tune in to witness this momentous occasion. In the first episode Marky Mark deals gets bullied relentlessly by the school jock (played by Daniel Radcliffe) and is framed for murder by a rogue secret private military company unit (wait, fuck, that’s “The Shooter”). Although the show is still considering possible options for Marky Mark’s catchphrase, there is a rumor that the frontrunner is , “maybe, maybe not, maybe go fuck yourself.”
Things you found moving into your new off campus house: -A technologically advanced mouse metropolis (mousetropolis) -Eerie pictures of you with the eyes scratched out -Disembodied whispers insisting that you “Get Out” -Dogs playing poker around the kitchen table -That your evil twin has escaped from his/her cage -A sweet “Meatloaf: Greatest Hits” cassette tape Little known to many Twin Cities residents, the popular “Punch Pizza” is actually one part of a national chain of restaurants, including: 1. Wack in the face with a sock full of pennies Burritos 2. Fisting Fajitas 3. Kick in the Balls Burgers 4. Fell down the stairs Ice Cream 5. I don’t want to talk about it BBQ Countries Named After the 1980s One Hit Wonder Band The Seagull’s Song “ I Ran:” 1. Iran.
Rejected Ideas for the Roll Over Money By: Brian “The Booty Inspector” Rosenberg
-Turn Cheryl Doucette into cyborg by putting her brain into a computer…we can rebuild her, we have the technology -Get Deadmau5 to DJ a Kagin Dance -Make showers with the option of mustard instead of water - Corn dogs every day at Cafe Mac -A school steam roller -Skyway between buildings linking campus (with secret trap doors) -Salary for Hegemonocle coat rack -Fire all professors and higher the babies from the movie Baby Geniuses to teach all classes -Hire Ashton Kutcher to Punk Terry Gorman by telling him the Lenord Center burned down -Turn the International Center into the intergalactic center and subsequently Markim hall into a space ship -Make the Asian Station the only option at every brunch -Bribe Joe Evers to write a piece for the Hegemonocle -Hire a lewd or unseemly troll to live under the link and harass passing students -Secure the rights for the next Alien vs. Predator movie -[Insert Harold Joke Here] -Install a large bucket on top of the front of the campus center that will “slime” unsuspecting students -Hire Chris Tucker to give all campus tours in his character from Rush Hour 2
“You guys ever been to the campus center? No? Well, JAMONE!”
Terrorist Kitten Squad Kills Fifty -John Steinbeck
People are reevaluating how they view kittens after a new terrorist sect composed
primarily of kittens killed over 50 civilians in Madagascar. This group described as Purrfectly evil injured women and children after a bombing on a neutering clinic. “These cats are the e-pet-ome of evil,” says President of Madagascar Boris Karloff. And he’s right; there have been multiple attacks due to this new onslaught of terrorist actions. A plane was hijacked heading towards Paris (Dog Capital of the World), but luckily Sarkozy (getting kozy with dogs, more like) managed to distract the hijackers with a laser pointer and the pilots were able to wrestle back control from these dastardly felines. “Yea, that could have really been a catastrophe, almost as bad as the Oklahoma Kitty Bombings,” remarked one of the pilots. President Barack Obama has declared a red alert due to this new group calling themselves the Killer Kitten Koaltion. “After we chose a side in the war between cats and dogs, kittens have begun implementing mass acts of terror in their plot against the United States Of America. Trained by Al Queda and the IRA, they will stop at nothing to destroy our freedom. Even after one suicide bombing, they still have eight lives left. We have developed a special task force armed with string and trained at jiggling keys to take on this new threat.” The only thing to do in this situation is to send the military right meow to take them down, before more innocents are killed in their mad rampage for blood. Adorable Terrorist Leader Meowly McKittens
SafeWalking it out in a new direction - Richard Simmons MCSG reported last Monday via twitter that starting in the fall of 2012, SafeWalk will be illegitimately extending its operation into a legitimate escort service. These measures are being taken in order to raise money to afford their ever-increasing staff. MCSG staff member, and resident P.I.M.P. Chuck McBlimpkin enlightened us to the situation. “Not only are we extending SafeWalk’s hours beyond that 1 AM mark and saving lives, we spreadin’ some love too,” states Blimp Daddy, as the biddies call him. “Don’t feel comfortable walking back to Bigelow from the bus stop? SafeWalk’s gotchu. Didn’t find a honey at that off-campus party and don’t want to go back to Doty alone? Blimpdiggity’s gotchu. Don’t want to sit in the corner alone at your Aunt’s birthday? I’m there.” “We can play Apples to Apples. We can sip some Hot Coco. We can laugh at all the stupid people on Facebook,” Bimp Daddy elaborated. ‘It’s really whatever you want boo.” Instead of the classic friendly SafeWalk name tags, after 1 AM the walkers will be equipped with new name tags, bearing their escort names. “It’s for the better. Anonymity adds mystique.” Sophomore Julia Biggs tells us, “By day, I’m just Julia Biggs. By night, I’ll be Madam Tickles.” Another escort, daytime name James Prish, alias James “heavypetting” Prish, commented, “I’m excited. I know you’re not supposed to mix business and pleasure, but wow. I hope I’m on SafeWalk call every weekend next year.” Macalester even plans to subsidize these late-night escorts, giving Macalester students a once-per-term discounted price in order to increase awareness of this service. “I used mine to get a free foot massage!” exclaimed freshman Katy McDoozer. “I’m super excited to work with the student body and bring joy to this campus and give people piggy back rides and let them borrow my pencil and give them unsolicited high-fives and do their math homework!” said Safe-Walker Leslie Johnson, who stood a solid six inches from my face while reciting this. If the new escort branch of SafeWalk is as successful as it appears it will be, MCSG is considering creating new work study jobs in the form of SafeTalk, a call-in service for people who don’t feel safe not having any friends to talk to. More on this will be learned as the year progresses; for now, all eyes are focused in on SafeWalk’s new venture.
The Ten Best Lists in History 10. The Top Four Musketeers 9. The Top One Most Asian Player in NBA 8. The Top Ten Personalities of Lindsay Lohan 7. Top 300 Hegemonocle Penis Jokes 6. This One 5. Ten Things I Hate About You 4. The Eight Most Fashionable Dictators 3. The 44 Most Recent Presidents 2. The Ten Commandments 1. Schindlerâ€™s
2024: A Look Back at the 10 Years After the Legalization of Marijuana
by Willie Nelson Desperately looking to turn the economy around, recently re-elected president Barack Obama signed an executive order legalizing marijuana in all 50 states plus the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the US Virgin Islands. American Samoa was not deemed “with it” enough to get the privilege. This started out wonderfully. The economy grew again because of the public works projects started with the marijuana tax revenue. Old school rap crews like Tribe Called Quest, Artifacts, and Wu-Tang Clang experienced a resurgence in popularity. Aqua Teen Hunger Force became the most watched TV show in America. Bob Marley won the Grammy for best new artist and the NFL was overtaken in popularity by the NUFL (National Ultimate Frisbee League). Canada followed suit and legalized marijuana 1 week after the US decision. (Seriously would you expect anything different?) The rest of the Western World followed and within 6 months the entire world was sparking up with impunity. Now, ten years after what was once thought to be one of the best decisions in human history, things have gotten much worse. The economy is being crushed by several powerful monopolies. This started in 2015 when Nabisco, Visine, and Swisher Sweets merged into the joint firm Nabisine Sweets (NYSE:BONG) which upon its creation held 25% of the US market. Things are even worse now, Zig-Zag, Frito-Lay and Taco Bell recently merged into “The Totally Happy Company” (NYSE: THC). These two and a few other huge companies control about 95% of the US economy. The last 5% is made up entirely by indie coffee shops. The huge accumulation of wealth in the hands of so few has created more social stratification than both the Gilded Age and the late 2000’s. Although this period of social inequity is way more hilarious, it is no less harmful than the previous two. To make matters worse, President Mane (Gucci) has done little to help solve the problems. He rarely talks about the economy in his speeches but his economic knowledge (or lack there of) can be summed up by this verse “I’m on my way to see my P.O/ I ain’t talking about probation officer/Talking about my P.O. box, they just sent me 3 million dollars/ What the fuck that mean nigga?” If he doesn’t even understand somebody mailing him money how can we possibly expect him to understand the intricacies of international economics? Additionally, global politics have spun out of control. Israel and Iran bombed each other into oblivion last year-- not over Israel’s perceived threat from Iran and Iran’s resentment of Israel’s existence-- but an argument between Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over President Mane whose country made the crispiest baklava. The Eurozone has achieved economic stability behind the strength of a few chocolate companies but faces danger from declining demand for Swiss army knives (really, you only need to buy one and they are pretty durable). The popularity of longboards and vespa scooters has driven down demand for oil sending Russia and the Middle East into economic collapse. The world is blazed.
In the latest of many bold changes for Facebook, its timeline feature will soon start forecasting its users’ fates. Those familiar with timeline know its goal of documenting a user’s online life right back to the moment they joined Facebook. With their newest innovation, Facebook has expounded upon this, documenting not only what has happened to a user, but, according to engineers at Facebook, also documenting with “99% certainty” what will happen. One engineer tells us more: “Up until this point, Facebook was limited to predicting birthdays and organized events, which was an amazing accomplishment in itself. But now, with our new engine, we can start predicting real chance events, ranging anywhere from slipping on the sidewalk, to armed robberies and manslaughter!” In a recent interview with the Hegemonocle, Mark Zuckerberg revealed his inspiration for this bold entrepreneurial endeavor. “Five months ago, I’m just chilling in my underwear, friending hot babes as usual, you know, a normal Saturday night. Then that Nic Cage movie ‘Next’ comes on. I think to myself, ‘wait, you’re Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. You could totally do that too. So I did. Except better. The new timeline is accurate to within ten years of access.” One beta tester, Mary McFly, praised Facebook for its eerie yet accurate attentiveness to her social life: “Timeline has been right about everything so far. It even predicted my break up with my boyfriend, Newt Sveed. After I saw that my relationship status would change to single, I had to break up with him. I can’t be tied down to a relationship going nowhere. I have my future to think about!” Another had a more heartwarming story: “I’ve been creeping on this one girl’s photos for a while. Now with timeline, I can finally extend my creeping into real, full-fledged stalking. She’s going to be taking out the trash at 7:24 a.m. next Tuesday. I’m going to propose!”
Countless others posted, messaged, tweeted and texted other notes of praise:
“My timeline warned me that my parents were going to check out my profile,” said one student. “So, I had my friends delete all of those pictures of me purifying myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.” “We saw that our daughter Apollonia was going to take down her photos, so we checked them earlier. She’s in big trouble, and what’s more, that wasn’t even Lake Minnetonka!” “Timeline really saved my ass,” said one executive. “I saw that my employment information would change in early May, so I leaked some company secrets to ensure I had a cushy backup position. Facebook proved to be spot on, too, because right after my boss found out, she fired me! All I can say is, thank God I had that backup, or I’d be out of a job.” However, not everyone has reacted positively to the new development. A group of visibly upset fortune-tellers, dubbed “The Fortuners”, engaged in legal fisticuffs with Facebook on the grounds that fewer people believe their B.S. now. Fortunately for Facebook, the Fortuners failed to foretell the futility of their fight. “We just didn’t see it coming,” sobbed one fortune-teller, Raven-Symoné. And so for now it looks as though Facebook’s new timeline is here to stay. So what’s next for the social network? Zuckerberg did have one hint for us: “We’ve been in talks with the U.S. government about some contracting work. I’m not technically authorized to go into any more detail, but I will say it’s exactly the plot of Minority Report.”
Debate Rages Over Title of Macalester - Prince While the film has already been funded, filmed, edited, and packaged there is still one thing left to settle before the release of the highly anticipated Macalester based porno: The name. The films title, which was originally Mac-phallic-ster, has drawn heavy criticism from various student groups and organizations that feel the title is too hetero-normative and non-inclusive. “Obviously, I’m super excited to watch a porno that takes place in Dupre, nothing revs my motors quite like a Dupre Single,” quipped Junior Maria Duplass, “but why does the title have to be about wieners? If we’re going to have a porno made here, the title should be a dirty twisting of words that includes everyone. Something like Midnight Breakfast: Hot, Sticky, Sweet. Everyone giggled at those shirts.” Program Board, who supplied the funding for raunch-tastic motion picture out of the Springfest budget, felt as though their contributions to the project gave them naming rights “Fuck we funded this thing, we should get to name it..” Implored Program Board President Pritik Johnson “The name should be a pun promoting a Program Board event, simply put we aren’t gonna plan shit for y’all unless you name this thing Winter Balls Deep.” The name for the porno will officially go to a campus wide vote next week, at which point the top 3 vote getters will be submitted to a board that is expected to make an official decision and release the porno sometime in the next year. The ballot so far contains these frontrunners. 1. Markim Balls: the institute for global citiSEXship 2. Getting it KagIN 3. Scotch Gape 4. Women in Math and Science 5. Department of Multiclitoral life 6. Lose the Pants: Indoor Soccer TournaTIT 7. Do it Wallass Library 8. Scotty Scots’ Super Sexual Adventure Meanwhile, Hegemonocle writers are overwhelmed by the punbelievable opportunity presented by the naming of a Mac-themed porno. They have thus far offered no suggestions, save for a few frustrated mumbles about handjobs and Kofi Annan.
...And Now a Letter from Our Writing Staff Dear Macalester Student Body, We staff members of the Hegemonocle would like to extend our sincere apologies for the recent surge in jokes relating to the male gentalia in this issue of the magazine. We’ve been giving you the hard shaft for a while, and it’s time to put a sock on it. We really hope to not rub you the wrong way; there most likely will be more of these to come, even though so many penis jokes can get flaccid after a while. If you experience amusement from these jokes lasting more than four to six hours, you should probably consult a doctor. All these wooden jokes are just examples of us endowing nature with human body part resemblances; also known as pathetic phallusy. Due to this, english majors across campus have been experiencing mourning “wood” because of their inability to use the term in their papers about nature. Staff member and John’s son Willy had this to say about the eruption in penis jokes: “We hope that with this issue, a climax has been reached and we will hereafter enter a refractory period of sorts involving an inability to produce these jokes.” Student body, we don’t want to stiff you on the dick jokes. It’s just when they’re coming from all angles it can get a bit overwhelming, and you can’t help but some of them are going over your head. At the same time, it’s been hard on us at the Hegemonocle to easily hide our pleasure that we experience from these jokes. Here at Mac we are told to broaden our horizons. We strive to together pitch a communal tent, side by side erecting poles as one, building bondages of friendship to last longer and harder than average. We’re sorry about being dicks. We’re not trying to be cocky. Clearly we need to get some brain when it comes to spitting out comedy for the Student Body. Too much dong is hard to swallow; we here at the Hegemonocle understand that.
With the utmost gentleness, The Hegemonocle
P. S. . . . .Penis. . . .
Santorum Comes From Behind In a recent Santorum leak late Thursday night, sources report that the former Pennsylvania senator’s larger-than-average caucus in Iowa may not have been the climax of his bid to be the Republican nominee for president of the United States. Frankly, this editorialist is unhappy. In a frothy mixture of down-home family values and left-wing media prejudice, Santorum’s appeal appears to have dribbled down to a trickle of support. It’s sickening. This editorial writer wants to see more Santorum.
Santorum is not just a Republican phenomenon; polls have reported a slight increase in Santorum in households registered as ‘liberal.’ This has been attributed to Iowa’s caucus’s strength, not in political influence, butt in public satisfaction. It’s not, you know, Santorum on liberals here, Santorum on dogs, or whatever the case may be. That being said, Santorum has always been Republican, and always will be. He’s the kind of guy you’d let in your back door without thinking twice (unless he comes barging in like he’s sometimes apt to do).
Santorum needs to get in people’s faces. Santorum needs to be in their eyes, ears, and mouths, taking it in and spreading the love. Some say that the internet is the easiest way to find Santorum, but in this editorial writer’s opinion, nothing shares Santorum better than the human mouth. Real life relations will always trump the liberal media.