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The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 6, Issue 1 Spring 2012

Jonathan Gershberg Papa Smurf

Alex Juffer Smurfette

Justine Decker

Ryan Kerwin

Michelle Einstien

Sarah Haight

Black and . . .

Obama’s Better Half

Joey Frankl

Big World, Small Frankl

Jake Waxman

Funshine

Jeff Garcia

PC Police Chief

Sarah Knipsel

Sir Knipsalot

Kool Kid

The Muscle

Mackey Borg

Wacky McWacky Face

Patrick Leppink-Shands Giggle Bear

Vanessa Barrera Ambien MD

Andrew Shirley

Keeper of All Things Real

Henry Fremont

Phineas Rueckert

Tyler Krentz

Heather Renetzky

Harriet Tubman

Taste Tester (of Led Paint)

Libie Motchan

Less Chan is Mo’chan

Sophie Nikitas Gorilla Trainer

Tanning Chatum

Pastel Monitor

Joe Evers Lou Bega

Bo Brendel

Picnic Basket Theif


An Introductory Conversation Between Our Two Editors Alex: Respect respect respect. I’m super excited that the Hegemonocle is out and you have one in your hands, the tangible product of countless hours we spent thinking up jokes, telling the jokes to the other members of the community, joking around at parties, texting each other great jokes we overheard the other day, joking about how many jokes we know, shitting our pants because the jokes were just too good to handle, and generally having a jolly good time. Jon: Alex?! Oh, thank god it’s you! I was just walking across Summit and this guy just blew past the red light and I didn’t see him coming and, well, now I am vomiting shards of my own liver in front of Dupre. . . Could you take me to the hospital? Soon? Alex: Well I think that Jon summed it up pretty well right there, and I have to agree that this is gonna be the best issue yet, hands down. We really pulled it together as a team and when the going got tough, the tough got going. You know what I mean? Let me repeat that one more time for emphasis, WHEN THE GOING GOT TOUGH, THE TOUGH GOT GOING. Am I right or am I right Jon? Jon: *coughs up blood* Yeah Alex, you are so right, but what I really think we should be focused on “pulling together” is my spleen right now, which some freshman just stepped on and tried to wipe off before handing it back to me. I really need to seek immediate medical attention before so they can take my own teeth out of my ankle. . . Alex: Get a load of this Jon kid! Am I right? They say physical humor is a lost art, and I sadly agree, but then I see an act like this, where Gersh is able to put his body on the line, risk his livelihood, just to cheer me up and reaffirm my belief in humor, and it changes my whole perspective. Some might say, “Hey Alex, why can’t you pull stunts like that?” What I tell those kids is: look, every Belushi needs a straight man. Would Gersh’s stunt be funny right now if I wasn’t standing right next to him, not even helping as he pretends to stuff his large intestine back into himself? Jon: *vomits a gooey mixture of blood, sweat, tears and snot*. . . Alex. . . . Alex. . . . Alex: What’s up Jokster McJokster?!!! Jon: I just. . . I just wanted to say . . . Alex: Well spit it out sport. . .No not that. . . Jon: I just want you . . .want you to know. . . Alex: Yes, Jon? Jon: This is gonna. . . this is gonna be. . . this is gonna be the best Hegemonocle ever! Alex: I know right? What the fuck you think I’ve been saying?


Spring 2012

NICKI MINAJ: CHECK IT OUT

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[a letter from dick cheney]

My Fellow Americans, WHATS GUCCI MY BITCHES!!!!!1!. Sorry, getting a little ahead of myself. This is yo boy, former Vice President Dick Cheney speaking about one of the most peculiar events I have ever witnessed – a Nicki Minaj concert. You’re probably asking yourself, why was I, Vice President Dick Cheney, staunch conservative and active 2nd amendment advocate, at a Nicki Minaj concert? Two words: DAT ASS.

RIGHT THUR

So naturally, I got 2 tickets (front row) and asked my gurl Condoleezza to accompany me. We had a bitchin time…nothing like partying with the former Secretary of State!! At first I felt a bit hesitant, surrounded by all those young folk. But then a nice fellow sold me 4 Mike’s Hards (raspberry obvi), some E, and some silly string and lemme tell you, I felt preeeeetty good. Suddenly I began gyrating my hips to the beat, as the throbbing chords of “Superbass” radiated through the speakers. I let the music take over. First I started jiving, and box-stepping, and a tiny bit of polka. But then I got some weird looks, so I started my sexy dancing. I did some shimmying. Threw in a pelvic thrust here and there. Practiced my body rolls. And boy was that successful…the ladies were ALLLL OVER ME. I think they wanted some of this Dick. A couple bad things happened. I shot Condoleezza in the foot with the rifle I carry in my back pocket. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t notice though – she kept dancing (hands on her ankles, Condoleeeeeezza knows how we do). And then I crowd surfed for a bit, but all of a sudden, I got a massive heart attack, maybe cause of all the E. Don’t even worry though guys…the pulsating beat of “Shitted on em” defibrillated me back to life. So altogether, the night was quite the success. I think I spent a good 48 minutes staring at Nicki’s gleaming, bulbous gluteus maximus...I’ll have to ask her where she got it, cause Mrs. Cheney needs one of dose! Ok the Dickmeister is signing out. See you next week at Kreayshawn PLAYAHATERS! [33]


Spring 2012

A Manifesto On Tang

Hey, you. Yeah, you, I’m talking here. I got a question for you. Why can’t I get any Tang around here? I’m looking for some Tang. SuperAmerica don’t have it. Doty Five don’t have it. Your mama’s kitchen don’t have it. What does a guy need to do to get some Tang around here? I mean seriously. There’s no Tang around here. Fuck, man. It’s all because of kids these days. Back in the day, our Founding Fathers had Tang. Those guys knew what it was all about. George Washington chopped down a cherry tree so he could get some Tang. Thomas Jefferson grew Tang in his backyard. Those guys had Tang and they rolled it old school. Our country was founded on the principles of life, liberty, and Tang. Its how the West was won. With Tang. It’s America, man. And we kept that shit up too. Over the years, everybody got Tang. With its artificial orangey goodness, and wholesome chemicals, everybody loved Tang. That’s why we gave it to astronauts. Those guys got Tang, and they got Tang in space even. That shit’s so good, that’s why we were able to put a man on the Moon. Tang’s been with us since the beginning of America, and its always been there for us, unlike Crystal Pepsi. But Tang is there for us, morning and night. In the morning, you wake up, say hi to your kids, and have some Tang. At night, you say goodnight to your spouse, and get some Tang. Tons of people get Tang. Look at Bill Clinton. You know that guy got some Tang. It

Volume 6.Issue1 by Carl Sagan

was all the rage in the 90s. Now I know what you’re thinking. Wu Tang clan. Those guys had Tang in their name. They definitely had Tang, right? Yeah, they did have Tang, with Ghostface Killah and Method Man and those other guys, dropping albums straight outta Shaolin. American was floating in Tang. But then something happened. We lost our Tang. Oh yeah, its out there, somewhere, but we don’t know where. America has lost its Tang. I thought Lebron James had Tang. Then he went and made a decision and I realized he was just drinking Kool-Aid. He never had Tang. (Yeah, Patrick. I made a basketball reference. What are you gonna do about it?) Worst part is, I’m beginning to think some people don’t even want Tang. Its crazy, I know, but kids these days are all caught up in video games, environmentalism, masturbation, and can i haz cheezburger that they don’t seem to care about Tang. Who wouldn’t care about a bunch of kung-fu karate monkeys? But they don’t seem to care about Tang or monkeys with Tang. That ain’t right. All this Occupy business, we are the 99%, its not about income inequality, or bankers, its about Tang. The 99% isn’t getting Tang. It’s why haters hate and Bogey Lowenstein never has parties anymore. But the fact remains that we as a society are out of Tang. This country needs Tang again. The one thing that is finally going to put Nickelback away for good is if we can find some Tang. Now I’m going to go punch a zebra.


Spring 2012

Grappling with Changing Orange Globe Icon Results in Success

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As part of a new initiative to keep it fresh in the admissions office, the admissions deans have recently decided to scrap the iconic globe-encased-in-an-orange-peel image donned on all of their materials. Dean of Admissions Lorne Robinson said that the plan to change the icon finally came to fruition when the staff decided on a globe encased in the more sophisticated grapple peel, the peel of the grape-apple genetically modified fruit hybrid. “The grapple just embodies what Macalester is all about. Part apple, part grape, you can’t get more multicultural than that. Here’s a fruit that isn’t afraid to stand out amongst its more sustainable cousins and just get in your face and be like “Yah, I’m different. And I’m cool,” We’re bringing this underrepresented fruit to campus, and hopefully with it some students too, and I feel good about that,” he said. Admissions interviewer Sarah Stewart also said that this will be a great opportunity for admissions officers to ask new questions to potential members of the Class of 2016 such as “How do you think the grapple peel represents your life goals?” and “If you were stranded on a desert island with a grapple, a bagpipe, and the United Nations flag, how would you get home?” “I’m tired of asking questions about how applicants would propose solving world hunger and what sexual trafficking victims they’ve helped lately. There’s only so many times I’m willing to hear a PF go off about what good they’ve done in the world. It gets old,” Stewart said. So far, the feedback the admissions committee has received regarding the change indicates that the change is making a world of difference, and in fact, all prospective students now get a real grapple in the mail along with the brochure. “I didn’t even have to open the catalogue to know that I just had to go to Macalester,” prospective student Elizabeth Fields said. “I took one bite of that grapple and my mouth was just filled with an explosion of flavor. From that moment, I knew it was my destiny to apply early decision.” Current Macalester students are experiencing this orgasmic grapple taste as well, as Bon Appetit recently renamed and dedicated all Café Mac stations to specific species of grapples from all over the world. “We started by just adding a few varieties of grapple, but they were so well received by the student body. Students were passing on cheesy eggs and mac n cheese for grapples and we realized that this fruit managed to satisfy vegans, students with celiac disease, and even the nonvegetarian minority; what better alternative could there be,” a Bon Appetit representative said. Enthusiasm about the grapple has gone beyond the admissions office and cafeteria. MSGA has decided to allocate all of the budget rollover to the new grapple-enthusiasts -club on campus and students should keep their eye out for the Macalester swag that will be arriving in the new grapple themed red and purple colors.


Spring 2012

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Writer’s Cock Block Affects Young Talent [Richard Johnson M.D.] Jeffery Jacobs is a staff writer for the Macalester College humor magazine The Hegmimoical, but for a period of time could not seem to write anything of wit. Mr. Jacobs was suffering from the psychological disorder known as writer’s cock block. “Every time I tried to think of an idea or attempt to write something down, all I could think about were large jubilant cocks” Jacobs stated, “It was like a damn phallus fiesta, but in my brain.” Writers Cock Block is not a rare disease with approximately 10 to 11 percent of humor writers suffering from it at one point in their careers. Notable humor psychologist Albert Bukai explained the disease as very debilitating. “One patient explained it as if there were multiple robust penises being placed into both his ears. Don’t you think it would be difficult to make a joke with a stranger’s mushroom tip tickling your eardrum? I sure do.” Writers Cock Block, “WCB”, began to affect Jacobs’ life outside the Hegimemoical. With constant images of cocks of different variety running through his mind he found it difficult to deal with close relationships. His girlfriend, Bethany St. Licktenstein stated, “Jeffery always seemed down, his behavior was always a bit lame, and he never seemed to be able to get up in the morning.” Jeffery added, “It felt like two penises, rigorous in both girth and length, were being placed on my shoulders and weighing me down.” Jeffery tried every therapeutic method, but he could not remove the phallic images that were seared into his brain. Finally, at a Hegemoincial meeting Jacobs experienced a breakthrough. Editor Kyle “T-Bone” Bronson told reporters, “I was shocked when I asked for ideas and Jacobs raised his hand. And he gave a damn innovative idea.” Jacobs said, “I just had this moment of clarity when the cocks went flaccid, so to speak. I said what if we make a joke about both Kofi Annan and President Brian Rosenberg?” After, the room erupted in clamor. The idea was so cocknotroversial and original that it elicited strong responses from all members of the club. Bronson later stated, “I’m glad the idea came from Jacobs. The concept of having Kofi and President Rosenberg doing things they wouldn’t normally do and saying things they wouldn’t normally say is comedic gold.” Since that meeting Jacobs has not relapsed into writer’s cock block. He is a regular contributor to the Hergemonical and makes ample amount of great, non-penis related, jokes. Symptoms Include:


Spring 2012

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A Guide to “Getting It In”

Still on a quest for that elusive pootang? Scouring Mac @ Nite events, wearing your I <3 Female Orgasm shirt to no avail? Here are some helpful tips for when you’re feeling frisky. •Kathy from the grille is available…and you know how good she is at handling your sausages in the morning. •Wait outside the Mac Protestant meetings. •According to Wikipedia, chicks love Wikipedia. Quote Wikipedia at least 6 times a day. •Become the ultimate bad boy – don’t recycle. •Tuck your cardigan into your corduroys. •Openly profess your love of Akeelah and the Bee. •Cut a hole in your pants where your dick is. •Follow your heart. •Hoard all of the dental dams. You’re the new Cunnilingus King! •Take advice from this guy •Dry hump. •Sit in your room with the door propped open, listening to S Club 7, hoping someone will pop by for some casual sex. •Take beginning social dance. Mondays, 7-8:30. •Don’t discriminate. Lots of women can make great lovers, including (but not limited to): Icelandic women, girls with smallpox, sweaty women, your second cousins, zookeeper babes, chairs, women who love Parcheesi, etc, etc.


Spring 2012

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Urgent Address from Kim Jong-un to Citizens of North Korea Hey everyone, it’s me, your new supreme leader (new and improved? Haha! Just kidding Dad, R.I.P.). So, I think we all know (and those who don’t clearly weren’t present at the mandatory funeral. Haha! I’ll find you!) my father, Kim Jong-il, has recently died. No, no, please hold your tears. And, while it’s still illegal to criticize his rule, I think we can all agree that it left everyone… well, a little burnt out. So, to spice things up and keep those energies flowing, I’ve arranged for North Korea to host its own series of— drum roll! Wait for it, wait for it! Big Brother!

Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un

That’s right! Big Brother North Korea! Haha! The rules for the show are standard: each week, the contestants vote to decide who will leave, and the last person standing wins a fabulous prize! BB No K will air in the prime time spot at 7 o’clock between “Kim Jong-un: Your Lord and Savior” and reruns of “The View.” Now, you might be wondering, “But Kim from No K, what sets this series apart from any other Big Brother?” And to that I say… don’t worry! Kimmy from the Block’s got it covered. This Big Brother… we’re all playing! Haha! Yes! The entire country will be participating in this event! All 24,346,229 of us will be competing for the top prize: one get-out-of-jail-free card! You don’t want to miss this prize! Now that I’ve set the stage, it’s time to talk about rules! As always, there is no leaving the Big Brother household. For this Big Brother, that means absolutely no leaving the country! This is standard. Second, hundreds of millions of cameras are being installed as we speak! There will be about 10 cameras per household, and many more on the streets! There will be no Internet access whatsoever, so we will all be completely isolated from the outside world. Sounds fun right?! Each week, one million people will be “evicted!” I’ll let you figure out what that means! In the final round, the last 346,229 standing will vote to evict the last 346,228 of us! Oh, and one final rule! There is absotively, posilutely no voting for my eviction! Yay! Voting for my eviction will guarantee you a week in the snake pit! Well, that’s all I’ve got for you today. I personally think this is exactly what our nation needs to get out of this funk, and I hope you all enjoy crawling over yourselves in frenzy only to end up losing to me, your fearless leader! Haha! Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un

—Lil’-less-lil’ Kim out!


Spring 2012

Shit Everyone Else Says

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Shit people who own huge-ass Pontiac minivans trying to park the car in a spot made for a smart car while it’s snowing say: “It’s gonna be tight.” “FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKING SPOT LIKE WHO DO THESE PARKING SPACE CREATORS THINK THEY ARE, I’M GONNA SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “What is this, a parking spot for ants?” Shit pregnant teenage mothers say to their unborn babies: “What are you still doing here?…someone get me a bud light lime.” “YO YO YOOOO, your head better be smaller than a wiffle ball, I don’t want you rippin’ my vag down cross my butt.” “If I get stretchmarks on my tattoo of Alec Baldwin getting a tattoo, you’ll be getting a nice bottle of kool-aid and bleach, FORREAL!!!!” Shit Barack Obama says while rubbing one out in the Oval Office: “Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Hillary, oh Shit, no! Stop, Michelle, Michelle okay, okay back on track.” “This one’s for you Bin Laden.” “The Bacock Obama is back and ready to attack!!”

Michelle, Michelle,


Shit an overly-caffinated Russian major says to an Eastern European-looking girl he sees at Dunn Bros while simultaneously realizing he had projectile vomited on her Madea’s Family Reunion Reunited Poster freshman year: я могу лизать внутри вашего клюквенный пирог? Shit people with Tourettes say: “FUCK!” “SHIT!” “Oh fucking shit I just fucking said shit and fuck. Fuck..shit.” Shit Mormon people with Tourettes say: “Drats!” Shit people say after Kathy is skimpy with the hashbrowns at brunch and they’re really hungover from spending the night before creating a Sims look-a-like of Morgan Freeman and Jackie Chan’s love child while chugging an entire jug of Everclear because there was no Kagin dance :( “Are you kidding me you old bird?! Even that short, creepy fuck that works at the fruit station knows to fork up the food on Saturday mornings.” “I’m gonna yack.” “You’re gonna regret this. While you’re sleeping I’m gonna put you in a tub with jell-o and mad bees and when the jell-o melts, they will all sting your eyelids.” Shit fans of Amanda Bynes say:

Shit Italian douchers from Queens say when they wake up Saturday morning to the girl from last night and realize she has three nipples and a chinstrap: “Huh.” “I knew I should never trust a girl who dry humps to pitbull.” “Yo, your cousin Chewbacca called,he recommended a box of Nair and a bandaid to cover up that third nip. Oh, and he wants his face back. And maybe while you’re at Walgreens you should pick up some aloe cause you just got burned. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Don’t stomp on the way out, don’t wanna cause an earthquake, fatass. Have a great trip to planet of the apes, you monkey fuck. ”


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Spring 2012

Hegemonic PERSONALS MISSED CONNECTIONS Kind of hipster? I saw you walking into the campus center at noon. You were wearing a Macalester sweatshirt and jeans. You have brown hair. You were talking to your friend, in english. You were saying something about hegemony and whether it is burritos or tacos at Cafe Mac today. Who are you?? I’ve never seen anyone like you before! I think I love you! I Can See in Your Eyes That You Want Me, Too I have seen you ride the bus every day for the past month, and I think you are just super cute. I can see it in your eyes (one brown with yellow flecks, the other brown with a green and blue ring) that you want me too. I have noticed that you like sesame seed bagels with cream cheese (but not too much). I do, too! On Monday, you wore a yellow dress with red roses, black tights, and blue heels. On Tuesday, I’m guessing you weren’t feeling well.You weren’t wearing makeup, so I didn’t want to look at you as much, but you wore grey sweatpants, a big red t-shirt that said “Team Building Exercise 2008,”and white reebok sneakers. On Wednesday, a business suit. Where were you going, brown eyes with flecks? To an interview? Will you be working out of the city? Help! All I can think about are your thin A photo I took of you on January 25, 2012 at 4:21 PM lips and your big boobs (DD? My favorite size!). If this is you, and you know who I am, (I sit in the back left seat of the bus, or some times in the front when I want to get a better look at that adorable freckle on your right cheek) call me at 555-111-2345.

LOOKING FOR Looking for a Bodacious Babe Who Can Satisfy My Every Need and Enjoys a Little Time in the Kitchen i like a girl whose skinny but dont watch her diet (no fatties, plz) she knows how to cook a great meal, and is happy to have it ready for me when i get back from my job at GameStop she is a lot like Beyonce in that shes hot and is a good dancer if you know what i mean but not in that shes fat. she should be like my mom in that shes loving, caring, and will play with my hair until i fall asleep. i love long walks on the beach, reading poetry by candlelight, and long talks late into the nite

LOST - Piece of a stage left canine tooth. Last seen: sidewalk at the corner of Hague and Snelling on Friday night. - My virginity, asshole!! I WANT IT BACK, MIKE! I WANT IT BACK! - 5-week-old red panda. Responds only to Christian Bale. Eats shoots and grasses, and is very friendly. But be careful - sometimes confuses fingers for shoots and grasses.


Spring 2012

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Report: Upperclassmen Walking around Café Mac Checking out Freshman

- Ben Roethlisberger

Bro macking even as he puts his

In a shocking report issued Monday, a Gallup poll suggests that most upperclassman in Café Mac don’t actually need another glass of water, or forgot to put ketchup on their fries, but are rather, “scoping the freshies.” According to the poll, which had a +-27 percent error, almost 74% of upperclassmen males admit to devising ploys in order to gain extra time to walk around the Café Mac floors. “Usually I just walk around with my tray pretending to look for my friends for a solid ten minutes,” says Junior Adam Lance. “The grill line is usually filled with honeys. I’m always spitting game at the condiment section. Sometimes I’ll put five, six pieces of cheese on my hamburger just to kill time there.” Glen Perkins concurs. “Sometimes that one babe is working the Chinese station and I go back like four times for the chicken lomein. I keep asking for an extra helping of her digits. She gives

plates away. Cool haircut dude! me a weird look and tells me to ‘respectfully eat a dick.’ Shit is wack. Doesn’t she know I’m on the baseball team?” In addition, the poll suggests that upperclassmen are more likely to adjust their dietary habits in order to meet freshman ladies, as 65% said they get salads on a regular basis, though only 12% intend to eat the salad. Senior Mitch Sanchez commented on this phenomenon. “Salad line is popping off. It’s like a KaginCongo line over there. Pasta line is alright. Curry section is good if you want a zesty chick. I try to avoid the chicks in the burrito line as a rule, but there are some keepers over there.” According to several upperclassmen, one does not even have to leave the comfort of the table to send sexual messages to freshman. “I more or less just eat this grapefruit out for like thirty minutes to show ladies my stamina in bed,” chuckles current/future pedophile Lars Benjamin. “If you squeeze it just right it looks like a vagina. Pretty cool, right?” These patters appear to be less pronounced among upperclassmen females. Only 23% of women polled stated that they are regularly on the prowl for freshman boys. However, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t women who will initiate flirting with younger boys, despite the negative connotations associated with a, “cougar.” “I’ll throw some cream cheese on a hot dog and just kinda rub it against my face,” says Kasey Stella. “Boys are pretty thick so it usually takes them a few minutes to pick up on what I’m insinuating, but usually after I rub it against my crotch and then back to my face they have a fairly clear idea of what I’m suggesting.” Samantha Jenkem had this to say on the issue: “At this point in the game most upperclassmen boys are just way too comfortable with their sexuality. Every time I hook up with them it’s always, ‘the thing I like about gender studies’ this and ‘If I can be more emotionally supportive just let me know’ that. If you just want a good, old-fashioned, wake up in the morning with some semen in your hair and the nipples of your bra cut out, freshmen are generally the way to go.”


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Spring 2012

Coldplay Named Worst Band to Tell a Girl You Like On a First Date

-Lionel Richie

In a shocking upset over Justin Beiber, Nickelback,

Megadeth, and anyone who made rock music between 1982 and 1990, Coldplay was named the worst band to tell a girl that you like on a first date. The study was conducted over 6 months period in which 6,127 women were asked what band would make them question a guy’s testosterone, ability to provide for a family, love making prowess, and overall masculinity. The resounding answer was Coldplay (Although Coldplay fans did have the best taste in drapes).

When asked about her reasoning for naming Cold-

play as the least attractive band ever, Lynda Thomas had this to say, “Could you really expect to have

Classic Chris! AM I RIGHT?

a relationship with someone who picked you up for the first time blasting Viva La Vida? I couldn’t do it.”

Local dating enthusiast Jill added, “This guy Mark made me a mix tape and the first song, the

lead single, was ‘Every Teardrop is a Waterfall.’ Yea...have fun NOT getting handjobs with a playlist like that.”

Liking Coldplay actually even broke into the top ten list of least attractive attributes for men.

It finished fifth right behind “using a long board as your primary method of transportation” and in front of “Speaking with the exact same pitch and cadence as Mickey Mouse”

When asked about what he thinks about his band being named the worst to tell a woman you

like on a date Coldplay front man Chris Martin had this to say “Hmm is that really how it is these days? I guess I’ve only really been listening to our music since we started and I haven’t had a boner in 10 years! Go figure!”


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Spring 2012

WEEKLY ROUNDUP FROM THE MACALESTER POLICE BLOTTER Freshman Loses Keys, Campus Declares State of Emergency Tuesday, after first year Bobby Mayhill lost his keys, President Brian Rosenberg declared a state of emergency on campus. He stated, “It was our number one priority to make sure young Bobby could access his room as well as other residential buildings.” After six hours of rigorous searching, the keys were found by Terry Gorman in the Dupre three lounge, under one of the sofa cushions. Bobby told reporters, “I’m just glad I have my keys and we can regain a sense of normalcy in our lives.”

Student Detained for Lewd Conduct Wednesday, during a geology class, sophomore Timothy Daughtwell, made a joke referring to the hand gesture known as “the shocker.” His peers later declared the joke as “in good taste.” The joke was made when the professor mentioned the phenomena known as “shocked quartz” present at major impact sites. Daughtwell proceeded to stand up, display the obscene hand gesture, and shout, “Two in the pink one in the stink!” While initially taken aback by the comment, most of the students in the class gave the exclamation positive reviews. One student stated, “the joke really helped put the class in a modern political, and more importantly, social context. I really thought it was an important comment for the progression of the class.” The professor of the class declined to issue a comment.

Serial Kilt-Flipper Apprehended for Flipping Kilts On Friday, a junior was apprehended after a month long spree of flipping kilts. “The Flipper,” described as “ugly and brownhaired,” terrorized school functions where kilts were present. “The worst was at the basketball game” one student reported, “the dude ran over to the fighting Scott and lifted up its kilt. You really don’t want to know what was underneath it.” The suspect is now in custody. School officials are still unclear if the suspect is linked to another criminal who has reportedly been performing simulated fellatio on bagpipes. A representation of what crude people may refer to as, “the shocker.”


Spring 2012

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A Love Letter from an Economist Dear Liza Faire, The opportunity cost of not seeing you for three months has barely been manageable. The market for potential affairs here has an extremely inelastic supply, so I have been unable to maximize my utility in certain areas :). While my preferences show the costs of visiting you outweigh the benefits, maybe your indifference curve shows something different, assuming we live in a world of seeing me or not seeing me. As you know, I am a Keynesian economist, so I would love to implement a certain stimulus to get our economies moving, since in the long-run, we’re all dead. A little boost in aggregate demand never hurt in the bedroom... erm, boardroom. Besides, when our economies are at full swing, we’re all better off due to the numerous externalities, and I’d love to be yours. Anyway, I’m sure if the damn Fed just decreased the interest rate through monetary injection, I would be able to increase the amount of seamen I employ at Underwater World, so I could take time off to visit you. You and I both know bigger is better, and I have economies of scale going on in my pants. You know I’m rational, baby, so I’m always thinking of you at the margins. My invisible hand is at play whenever I think of you. Oh! I almost forgot to ask you something. I was wondering if I could get a picture or two of you, without regulation. I know you understand that trade is a win-win, so it’s an offer you cannot refuse. Besides, I’ll throw a few g down on a new purse for you if you do, since a little incentive never hurt. Remember- you’re a scarce good, Girl, and although you cannot satisfy all human needs, you are quite efficient at meeting my wants.

Sincerely,

Ben Bernanke


Spring 2012

Volume6.Issue1

Dogegorization Dogastrophe

Milo Otis While on a routine rock-gathering expedition into the ancient Roman aqueducts, amateur geologists Sydney Stone and Ricky Rockwell inadvertently unearthed a secret bigger than any single scientific discovery in the history of man. At least, as far as written history goes back. What they stumbled upon one night (stubbing several toes in the darkness) was a single etching into the wall that said simply: Cats are dogs -God “I just exhaled a breath and breathed in another,” whispered Rockwell like a man who has seen into the eternal void and returned to tell the tale. “There was nothing else I could do.” The implication of this weighty statement brought to us directly from our Lord and Eternal Savior is that we’ve been doing it wrong all these years. And if we messed up on such a fundamental categorization as cats and dogs, what else could we have just plain screwed up these last few millennia? “On an everyday basis, we don’t go around thinking about how much of our lives have been constructed based on our definitions of what is a dog and what is a cat,” explained Dr. Duncan Diddles, senior professor of etymology and veterinary sciences at the University of Michigan. “Yet almost everything can be traced back to these basic classifications. Think of models walking down the dogwalk. Taking your cats to the cat park for exercise. Construction workers making dog calls at passersby. Eating hotcats. Isn’t that just the most confusing thing?” Some blame this mislabeling on the dogs and cats themselves. “We’ve been calling cats dogs and dogs cats for so long – why have they never said anything?” demanded the spokesperson of a flash mob that gathered spontaneously outside the White House to express their discontent through dance. “Meow,” replied a dog across the street. While most have accepted this new piece of information and begun changing their lives around its many and varied implications (Nickelodeon has announced a rerelease of the show Catdog dubbed under the new title Dogcat), others have remained skeptical. Owners of Chihuahuas, Terriers, Pomeranians, and other small breeds of cat that everyone has always known weren’t dogs anyway are reported not to have noticed any difference whatsoever. One of the earliest disbelievers was co-founder of the etching, Sydney Stone. “I’m sorry, but this is silly,” scoffed Stone. “There’s really no way that God actually wrote that. Everyone who is taking this ridiculousness to heart is going to feel foolish when whoever is responsible for the writing gets bored and owns up. You’ll see.” Other more qualified people have had entirely the opposite response. The Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has indicated that this revolutionary revelation will not only change how we view cats, dogs and their various derivations – it could lead to a complete turnover in our entire view of the universe. “I’ve been performing tests to discover other vital definitions that we may have gotten wrong from the very start,” claimed Richards. “If you see what I’m doing here, I’m lighting myself on fire while wearing a chicken suit soaked in kerosene and reciting nursery rhymes in reverse. By our current understanding of the world, I should die a horribly painful and unbelievably embarrassing death. But observe…” Directly after saying these words, he lit a match, touched it to his temple and immediately turned into a duck-billed platypus.


Spring.2012

Volume6.Issue1

Good Pants Put On -Al Roker Sources confirm that Greg Bateson has put on his nice pair of slacks for tonight’s special occasion. In contrast to the Bateson’s usually disheveled attire, close family and friends say that this particular pair of pants lacks any stains, marks, engrained dirt, rips, or tears. “Usually Greg has one of those awkward ‘yogurt’ stains near the crotch of his pants, but today he really came packing heat” say his neighbor Karen McCarthy. “There must be a special lady in his life or a job interview to make him actually attempt to be a member of functioning society.” In fact the occasion for the pants was the release of digitally remastered collectors edition of Season 1 of Home Improvement, that includes in-depth commentary from the executive producers, interactive games, and an 8-hour blooper real, all narrated by Tim Allen. Greg reportedly looked into the mirror for over 40 minutes, said, “You can do this” and put the pants on before starting his 3-block trek to Wal-Mart to pick up the newly released goods. “I am really impressed with Greg” said his best friend and anger management coach Carl Bagley, “I once witnessed him try to pass off a bunch of Diet Dr. Pepper cans strung together by a piece of string along his legs as pants. But now, these pants have actual fabric and even pockets!” However, not everyone is pleased with Greg’s new attire. “Hopefully he won’t get uppity from the experience”, says Joe Wilson, a local homeless man with whom Greg has regularly compared the dirtiness of their respective pants. “First it starts with pants, and then he might even start wearing clean shirts or underwear. That would be the end of our friendship.” Others have faith that Greg will remain his gross, unappealing self after the experience. “There is really no doubt in my mind that Greg will continue to conspicuously scratch his testicles in public, yell at television screens in private, and perpetually smell like peppermint schnapps”, says Mary Bateson, Greg’s mother and biggest critic. At press time Greg has thrown off the pants into a heaping pile of laundry surrounded by flies that in about three days will become sentient.


Spring 2012

Volume6.Issue1

New Apple Car Released Jimmy Wales After some speculation on the newest product to come out of apple, they have announced the release of a new car to open up a whole line of iCars. “We just wanted to take the company in a whole new direction” CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced. “All we needed was some hook, and I was like well what else can we charge obscene amounts of money for? The answer just came to me after that.” The new car, that will be released sometime in the next ten years, has been closely guarded by Apple. All employees have mandatory shock collars that activate whenever they mention anything to do with it, and beatings are rampant. Apple has been willing to disclose some things about the new car. It will be completely white and have the Apple symbol on the top, front, and sides, with Apple headlights, and Apple exhaust. There will be one pedal and if you want to break you will need to hold down the turn signal. The car has no customizable parts and nothing can be replaced, however in the incredibly unlikely event that something goes wrong (Apple has reported their cars never break) you can always trust the friendly and reliable Apple support team to get you out of a ditch, unless you really are in a ditch, where you are going to have to take it into the Apple garage to get a brand new car. Steve Jobs has offered his ghostial plasma into the project and assured the many rabid Apple followers that it would be the next big thing since the Apple released the highly anticipated iFace. a product that streamlines all confusing facial expressions and movements into one easy to read, portable touch screen device. “Yes, it will certainly be a spooktakuler event. You will surely not find this BOOring. Hahaha.”

[The first in Apple’s new line of iCars]


Spring 2012

Sexting:

Volume6.Issue1

Do’s and Dont’s -Miss Behave

DO: Use proper grammar. Nothing kills the mood like an improperly used semi-colon or a misplaced adverbial clause. DON’T: Forget to set the mood. Start out with a few texts about the scent of the candles, the lighting, and the music being played (Insane Clown Posse for me). Nothing like a lil sexting foreplay. DO: Take it slow. If the girl (or guy) doesn’t want to go all the way the first time sexting, that’s alright, nobody wants to wake up in the morning without their sexting virginity and regret it. DON’T: Send a picture of someone else’s dick. I tried this once—sending a picture of Greg Oden’s dick and trying to pass it off as my own. She bought it, but now I’m known as the kid with the 12 inch penis, such a burden. DO: Use emoticons. Are you smiling? Do you have your tongue hangng coyly to the side? Do you have X’s over your eyes? WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER DUMMY PLEASE CONVEY YOUR MOST BASIC EMOTION THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF EMOTICONS. THROW ME A BONE. DON’T: Come wherever you feel like it. The last thing you want is to virtually come on someone’s face only to find out they find that utterly repulsive and now have an inflamed left eye due to your shenanigans. DO: Make it a friendly affair. DON’T: Make it a family affair. DO: Use protection in your texts. You perform in the bed exactly how you’ve been practicing on the phone. If you forget to type “and I rip condom open with teeth and slide on” (generally accepted as the only cool/acceptable way to put a condom on) in your sext then you’ll damn sure forget it when the real things rolls around. DON’T: Cheat on your sexting partner. Sexting is all about the sacred foundation of “trust”. What separates us from the animals, if not an ability to trust your fellow human being? Subsequently, what else exemplifies our position at the top of the food chain better than titty pics?


Spring 2012

Volume6.Issue1

Best Movie Titles

(with which to Describe your Sex Life)

10. The Hurt Locker 9. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 8. Toy Story 7. Up/Up in the Air 6. Seabiscuit 5. Too Fast, Too Furious 4. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close 3. How to Train Your Dragon 2. There will be Blood 1. Tomb Raider Macalester Hegemonocle bonus pick: Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the Man


Spring 2012

Volume.6.Issue1

Bang It Like Bachmann: A GOP Sex Move Primer By Ronald Reagan-Jeremy

The 2012 GOP primary is definitely a lot of things; but if there’s one thing that it definitely isn’t, it’s sexy. The attractive people in the race are long gone (and there weren’t many to start with), and so we’re left wondering where we can find political hotness on the news besides Soledad O’ Brien. By now, we all know about Rick Santorum’s unfortunate Google problem; and with some more intrepid Urban Dictionary-ing, you can also find out how to perform a “Herman Cain” on your partner. But you might be wondering: What about the other candidates’ sexual preferences? We have some theories. - Newt Gingrich: Equaling his prowess is no small feat. To perform like Mr. Speaker, you’ll have to start by banging your 26 year-old high school math teacher, divorce her, marry your nine-years-younger mistress, and divorce her for the twin sister of Drago from Rocky. - Rick Santorum: Another hard one. He’s so anti-sex that he just knocks up his wife by emanating Jesus rays through his vast forehead. After you gain this ability, do what the Santorums do on Valentine’s Day: don a sweater vest, put on some tube socks, and do some heavy petting for the sole purpose of procreating. - Rick Perry: Put on your best Brokeback Mountain jacket and chaps. Start with foreplay, (talking dirty about deporting people); strip your partner down. Under pressure to perform, completely forget what comes after that. Say “Oops.” and call Ron Paul, OBGYN (a.k.a Inspector Vadget) to find out. Broadcast this all to your scared, miserable racist Twitter followers. - Mitt Romney: Pick up a woman that looks like a Mormon Barbie by spray-painting your temples silver and activating Smile Sequence Delta. Take her back to the Ken Dream House in your ‘05 ‘Stang. Let her know you need to plug into the wall to recharge and program Nookie Sequence Alpha; when you’re charged, proceed with sexual directive 66. You don’t have to be the best she’s ever had; your only directive is to be “good enough”. - Ron Paul: Light up a 10-foot joint in your ten-story house built without zoning laws. Hire a high-class escort from the new Trump World brothel on campus, and tip her in gold coins, because you fucking can. When you’re done, change to another set of sheets made out of old dollar bills. - Michele Bachmann: This one is for the ladies. Tie your partner up in a small room, and using “advanced interrogation” techniques, show them why they call you the Queen of Rage. When you’re done, go meet your husband at your rehabilitation camp for gay teens. Help him pray away his closeted gay. - Herman Cain: We’re going to make a Godfather’s Pizza. You will need: 5 doughy National Restaurant Assn. secretaries, 3 cups special sauce, 20 ounces fedora, 3 sexual misconduct, and “black walnut” to taste. Sexual chocolate is optional. - Buddy Roemer: While not getting any action on your own, relentlessly make fun of everyone who is on Twitter. Make a Match.com account (the third party of dating) and hope to get matched with one of those Huntsman girls.


Spring 2012

Volume6.Issue1

Lack of Dances, Students Sad -Tyga A recent Health and Wellness poll found that Macalester students are increasingly depressed this semester due to the shortage of dances on campus. The one mediocre 10K dance and the total absence of Kagin festivities have elicited a variety of responses, including “Not cool, brah,” “I bought new leggings for nothing,” and “I really miss DJ Mixwell.”

In this absence, students are struggling with how to spend their weekends. While off-campus parties seem like a viable option, sophomore Mike Pathway explained that Dayton and Fry is just “too fucking far” and “there are fewer banisters to slide down there.” Many students had similar sentiments. While walking to the DQ house, Claire Bartman, who was wearing ripped tights, complained that even after 8 shots, she was still “cold.” Other students are giving up their social lives altogether. Many have resorted to sitting in their rooms and crying. Common nighttime activities now include: playing Skyrim, quilting, window-shopping at Coat of Many Colors, and making memes. One desperate student even announced, “Maybe I’ll just see if anyone’s in the Link.”

Campus Life acknowledged this issue, but explained that the Music Department reserved Kagin every night to practice for the upcoming Nickleback/Mozart cover concert. Jim Hoppe offered, “We’ve reserved the Harmon Room in the library until 10 on Saturdays for socialization. Also, the Student Lounge is always available for Connect Four.” However, faculty fails to realize that the lack of dances is causing physical, as well as emotional problems. Shelia Emerson explained that her legs are never sore from grinding anymore. “At dances, I’d maintain a squatting position for a long time. Stairs used to be such a problem for me on Saturday and Sunday mornings, but now I can breeze up them, no problem. I still skip my LC workouts, though.” Much like Sheila, many students are just letting themselves go. “Why should I even try anymore?” a junior replied. This leads to the question, could fewer dances increase the obesity rates on campus? Luckily, the much-needed Kagin dance this Saturday promises to revitalize the student body. “Let’s be honest, I’m probably gonna end up grinding up on the security guard,” Iqbad Narim ‘15 announced. “I’ve been preparing all month. It’s gonna be sick-nasty.”


Spring 2012

Campus Round Up!

Volume6.Issue1

With your favorite Macalester reporter: Alfonso Ribeiro!

Ways to get into the dorms if you don’t want to pay $50 for a new D-Key:

1. Stalk that girl who sings Jewel’s “Intuition” in the shower back to the dorms 2. Rummage through your bag, loudly bemoaning your roommate’s habit of stealing keys in her sleep 3. Dress up as bedbug exterminator, be granted immediate access 4. Apparate 5. Collect old Dominos boxes, scream “CINNASTIX®” until someone comes running out, then throw the boxes at them and slip inside 6. Scale the building using grappling hooks 7. Seduction 8. Break formal lounge window, blame gremlins 9. MacGuyver that shit

FORGET-ME-NITE

“Blackout bombs”, an innovative mix of cranberry juice, ginger ale and paint thinner, have arrived at Macalester as the newest trend in DIY regret. Overtaking the previously popular “Death and Coke” (whose ingredients are in the name) (or are they???), Macalester students have been imbibing blackout bombs by the bucketful. “…” said a dedicated customer. Despite the drink’s popularity, the number of side effects are staggering. Witnesses report disturbing behavior by consumers, none of which have the pleasure of recalling the next day. These incidents include rousing choruses of Creed songs, an attempt to turn the “Fish Bowl” into a fish bowl, and craving Asian Station food for brunch. And, as one Turck 5 resident so eloquently put it, “Some of us just wake up watching MSNBC with our pants down.” Recently, SAFEwalk has been doubling its duties, beyond being a provider of “sober” escorts, to include a special task force of investigators to address this problem, named SCOTland Yard. “We have had a lot of inquiries as to individuals’ whereabouts the night before ,” says Chief Detective Namey McNamerson. “These requests come on behalf of the individuals themselves.” With the help of testimony from numerous Kagin, and later Breadsmith dumpster attendees, one lucky lady was able to track down the half of her hair that she had shaved off the previous night due to a capricious “bomb-cision”. “Thank you, SCOTland Yard, for allowing me to avoid that stupid new trend of shaving part of your head.” responded aforementioned student. But rumors of another substance making its way onto the scene already abound: a new mixture, ominously named “The Glockenspiel”, and allegedly containing Juicy Juice, hamster tears, and the ability to make you relive that time you shit your pants during show-and-tell, has already been picked as a favorite for the next Winter Ball.


Spring 2012

Volume6.Issue1

Local Indie band not obscure enough, says program board By I. Ron Butterfly In a preliminary Springfest band selection round last Tuesday night, the Macalester Program Board decided to eliminate local Minneapolis/St. Paul band “Natural Treeleaf Entourage” from the headlining bands list. Xaphoon Smith, Program Board member, commented, “Natural Treeleaf Entourage has the look we want, but once we did some background research and found out how many people have already heard of them, we sadly had to drop their potential stage time. We’re just honestly more interested in bands that the majority of Macalester will not have heard of before Springfest.” Xaphoon elaborated to tell us more of the band selection process. “If there’s anything to be learned from Springfest ‘11,” he says, “it’s that we need more obscure bands.” Xaphoon is absolutely right. As the hipster disease rapidly spreads throughout small, liberal arts colleges across the nation, it becomes increasingly difficult for bands such as Natural Treeleaf Entourage to remain under the radar. It’s a terrifying process for these bands, struggling to balance obscurity and fans. But there may be hope. As the ranks of young, unemployed white people swell, these bands continue to surface nationwide. This kitten clad in an American Apparel cat suit, however, has claws. These new indie bands will rapidly gain popularity. An unfortunate outcome is that they are subsequently considered out of style in a matter of months, as hundreds of bands sounding exactly the same appear all over the country, complaining to the general population about how they wish they could actually change the world. The Macalester Program Board understands this harsh reality. Fellow PB member Spencer Filibuster told us at the Hegemonocle of their master plan. “We’ve decided to go beyond finding an average indie band from a town such as Denver or Seattle. We realized that we need to go deeper. Our intent is to procure a band so obscure that when we book them for Springfest ‘12, we will not even know how good the band actually is. This may seem like a risky investment. We on the Program Board, however, believe that even if the band plays like the average indie band, it will be a rousing success.” The Program Board’s plan is surprisingly ingenious. “Two weeks prior to Springfest we will select five students at random; musical talent is not necessary. They will swear not to disclose to the public that they will be headlining Springfest. From that point forward, we will allow them to form their new, unknown-tothe-public, band. We will not release the name of our hired, uber-obscure indie musical talent until a calculated 36 hours before Springfest ‘12 begins.” explains another Program Board member Beverly McMuffin. “That way, the student body will, of its own accord, rush to be the first to know this band. One might object, saying that this will cause confusion in the hipster ranks of Macalester. This is not so. As the 36 hour mark approaches, the Program Board will provide the band with its appropriate Urban Outfitters garb and hipster band name. The group will make its way to the stage, causing a mad rush of people. As they begin to play, members of Macalester’s student body will bond with one another like never before, as individuals realize their mutual having-heard-of-this-band-ness and agree on how the rest of the nation clearly has inferior, mainstream music taste. The music comes to an end, and the students will complete their massive hipster circle-jerk, feeling as one. Springfest ‘12 will be an experience like never before.” I don’t know about you, but this reporter wants to know the name of this band. Springfest ‘12 is clearly something Macalester students are not going to want to miss.


The Einstein Issue: Spring 2012, Volume 6, Issue 1  
The Einstein Issue: Spring 2012, Volume 6, Issue 1  
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