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The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 4, Issue 2 Spring 2011

Jon Gershberg

Alex Juffer

Ryan Kerwin

Hannah Johnson

Plaid Cop

Free-Throw Coach

Mina Bakhtiar

Dame Judy Dench

Mikey Freedman

Just a Staff Writer, Legend

Erin Hocking Peer Instigator

Denim Cop

Comic Sans Screener

Dan Rocklin

Probably also a Staff Writer, Legend

Katie Campbell Couch Enthusiast

Hannah Fishman The Original

Matt Kusner

Maxwell Loos

Joey Frankl

Rebecca McCrory

Dame Judy Dench Well let me be Frankl

Jake Waxman

Amatuer Pigeon Racer

Jeff Garcia

The Diplomat

Michelle Einstein Ladies Woman

Joey Mayer

Robert Gulet

Libie Motchan Sultan of Swat

Party Invitee

The Big Fundamental

Patrick Leppink-Shands Gumby

Hannah Tsuchiya

Sole Tyler Perry Fan Club Member

Justine Decker Semisonic

Joseph Evers

Dungeon Master Trainee

Sarah Haight Matt Kusner

Coat Rack

Coat Rack

Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum


[2]


spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

My Great Aunt Shirley is a Whore* [Ivanna Humpalot]

My Great Aunt Shirley is a whore. I’m not exactly sure how old she is – however, I have verified that she’s at least as old as Betty White, but younger than the old lady from Titanic. Probably like...87. But that hasn’t stopped her from whoring herself around. She’s never been married, because she wants to stay a playa 4 lyfe. And she lives in Leisure World (aka Seizure World, a retirement community for vibrant and moribund 60+ year olds) where apparently she is famous for her spectacular B.J.s – both with and without dentures. The Viagra-popping widowers fondly refer to her as “Shirley the Strumpet”. Although she wears trademark old people clothes, my Aunt Shirley puts her own hussy touches on every outfit. Like other old ladies, she likes to wear knitted sweaters, but hers are always gold and sequined and low-cut to reveal her sagging, yet admirable cleavage. Even when she’s inside she sports oversized, glitzy sunglasses. She claims they protect her eyes after her last cataract surgery, but really it’s because she smokes so much pot. Just kidding…she doesn’t smoke pot (at least I can’t verify it), but she did get really, really drunk off peach schnapps at my cousin’s bar mitzvah. There’s no denying that my Great Aunt Shirley has accumulated some skills over her lifetime. She said she was once a secretary for a law firm, but I think that’s just code for home-wrecker. And even though her body is slightly deteriorated now, she’s as horny as ever. I suspect it has something to do with her new Posturepedic mattress. (Those adjustable positions and massage settings aren’t just for orthopedics!) It has not only improved her slight hunchback, but has reignited her life in the bedroom. She says that walkers make excellent sex toys (obviously, they have big fuzzy balls at the base of each leg). And her worsening blindness is only a benefit – everyone is attractive in her eyes! It can also partially explain her lesbian phase in the early 90’s. Despite the fact that she is a harlot, it’s always exciting to spend time with my Great Aunt Shirley. Last time I went out with her, we got a complimentary dinner. I cannot be certain, but I think the way that she hit on the waiter, and then proceeded to seductively eat her banana split (without nuts – bad for her dentures) might have had something to do with it. Actually, it [4]

was probably because of the 20 minutes she spent in the handicapped stall of the bathroom with Javier, the aforementioned sexy waiter. Although moments like these can be uncomfortable, I’ve learned a lot from her - even more than just timeless sex tips. (For instance: how to seduce men at biweekly bridge tournaments, the best flavor of marmalade to lick off of each other’s nipple (orange), great sex positions for electric wheelchairs, and how to embroider a tapestry while doing it doggy style. She has encouraged me to come to my own sexual revelations and to feel empowered by my sexuality. Because of my Great Aunt Shirley, I’ve been having a LOT of fun in college - and so have 37 other lucky guys (you know who you are). With her help, I have truly found myself as a woman. Throughout her life, my Great Aunt Shirley has symbolized the modernity and independence that centuries of females have fought to achieve. She’s really quite inspiring. Actually, she’s pretty much just a drunken nympho.

*Unfortunately, a true story.


spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Kanye’s Top References To Oral Sex [Snagglepuss]

Song: Monster

Hello loyal Hegemonocle readers! After many hours of pain-staking research, I have calculated what are universally, objectively, and scientifically Kanye West’s top 5 references to oral sex. Do not cry for me, for it was truly a labor of love. Without further ado…

Lyric: have you ever had sex with a pharaoh//I

put the pussy in a sarcophagus//now she claiming I bruise her esophagus//head of the class and she just want a swallowship Pro: Wowza, there’s a lot of stuff going on here. Reference to ancient Egypt? Pro. The word swallowship? Pro. Rhyming sarcophagus and esophagus? Also pro. Con. Bruising her esophagus is also kinda gross though? Also probably pretty impossible. If we were talking about the epiglottis then maybe, but the esophagus is pretty much where the lungs are. Major points taken away for anatomical correctness.

Song: Dark Fantasy Lyric: “And my chick in that new Phoebe Philo//

So much head I woke up in sleepy hollow” Pro: This is a reference to The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, which was published in a collection of short stories in 1819. References to 19th century American literature while rapping about head is automatically pretty pro. Con: It doesn’t really make sense? The story concerns a headless horseman, so there was a remarkable lack of head in Sleepy Hollow, not a lot. Also, who even knows what Phoebe Philo means. Am I right? Am I right?

Song: Go Hard Lyric: I’m at the top aint no-

Song: Good Life Lyric “Have you ever popped champagne on a

plane// While getting some brain?// She said she ain’t never see snakes on a plane” Pro: Reference to the movie Snakes on a Plane, which was a movie that came out sometime (2006?). It was a pretty funny movie. I liked it. I liked the part with the snakes. Also, it conjures images of Samuel L. Jackson, which automatically gives me an erection, so that’s good I guess. Con: It would be pretty gross if Kanye actually got head on a plane, unless he did it in the bathroom, and then it seems like it would be pretty cramped.

Song: Gold Digger Lyric: Go head girl, go head get down. Pro: It’s kinda clever. At first I didn’t get it. Con: Too clever for its own good?

[5]

where to go now//Instead of me, she gonna go down Pro: Reveals that Kanye is a selfish lover Con: Was there ever any doubt about that?


spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Kofi Annan Heading Big Places [ban ki-moon]

One of Macalester’ s most notable alumni has recently become famous after showcasing some of his enormous assets. A midlife crisis caused former secretary general, Kofi Annan, to enter the pornography industry. He is receiving much attention for what adult film insiders having been calling his “superhuman shlong.” One of Annan’ s professors was interviewed after learning about her former student’ s career change. She said “I always knew Kofi was going gigantic places, his massive creativity and huge personality added to classroom discussions. Kofi always sat with his back erect and a huge grin on his face.” Annan’s roommate commented, “Kofi was a great friend; he always shared his juicy beefsticks with me and let me use his fifteen incher [laptop].” Another one of Kofi’ s friends explains “Kofi had many male friends during his years at Macalester. He had female friends too, but he could never quite fit in.” Annan played a large role in his school’ s community. He played on the school’ s golf team and his strong grasp on the putter made him the team’ s high scorer of hole-in-ones. During his sophomore year at Macalester, Annan joined the school’ s Pen15 club. The club met on a weekly basis and analyzed rare fossils. By his junior year, Annan was appointed the club’s honorary head. A former club member notes “Kofi loved holding bones.” After his graduation from Macalester College, Annan started working at Jimmy’s Meat Shop—a hot dog restaurant in Annan’s hometown. “Kofi enjoyed serving people sausages,” says his former boss, who went on to say: “He worked so quickly and efficiently, people who saw him running around the restaurant wondered if he had a third leg.” Kofi was promoted to cashier, but was fired shortly after when his boss accused him of sneaking a roll of quarters into his pocket. Following this job, Kofi worked briefly as a pilot for Delta Airlines. He had many great experiences in the cockpit, and became skilled at handling multiple rudders at the same time, making him the airline’s first choice for maneuvering giant vessels. However after [6]

working for several years, Annan realized he preferred it [the view] from behind. Annan began his work with the United Nations as Assistant Secretary-General. This career change was difficult and not without hard spots, but eventually he gained recognition for his efforts at maintaining peace. After being appointed Secretary-General, he continued working with the United Nations for twenty years. He left his position after being offered a job in the adult hit “Blowjob Impossible,” by an erotic film director who noticed Annan’s bulge as he was working out at the gym. In a recent interview, Annan explained that he had no regrets about ending his career in politics. He stated, “Are you kidding me? I get paid to fuck! This is way better than a Nobel Prize!” Annan’s first adult film, “Hot Cup of Kofi” received rave reviews and was soon followed by a sequel, “Secretary Genital.” There is no news about when his next film will be released, but it is clear that Kofi Annan is doing big things.

Kofi’s Favorite Snack


Hegemonocle

spring.2011

volume 4.issue2

Students vow to ‘go harder, better” for New Year’s resolution By Brad “T-Bone” Tyson

New year’s resolutions: a source of great consternation and frustration when one inevitably fails to hold up the sacred pact with themselves, got a new, hip shot in the arm when a group of freshman promised to “go hard. Real real hard in 2011.” “Usually people do something dumb, like a diet or sit ups or being more tolerant of other cultures,” mused Dupre six resident Jimmy St. Francis. “Me and a couple of the bros said, ‘fuck that,’ let’s go harder than any other fuckers ever to step foot on this campus.” Bold words from a bold man. Indeed, it seems often that students at Macalester promise to start the semester with a new declaration of going out every weekend, increasing alcohol consumption, and making friends who may or may not want to engage in sexual intercourse with them. How then, the question might go, does Jimmy and his elite group of comrades plan to bring their plan to fruition? Dave Pervo thinks he may be on to something. “I’m just gonna wear a condom at all times so I’m literally down to fuck whenevs and whatevs.” “And yes, my penis is hard at all times.” A stunning revelation. And Pervo wasn’t done there. “Also, imma try and get a girl to hook up with me at eleven, so I can does my thing, drink again, and be back out at a party by twelve or twelve thirty. And then hook up with another girl at two. And then three. And then I’m gonna take a nap and watch a few episodes of Entourage and then take a couple shots, go to brunch, and find a new girl.

Even those who don’t know what the fuck Pervo was referring too were impressed by the bold accord struck by the fine young men at approximately 12:01 am, January 1st, 2011. “These guys are legends, and the semester has barely even begun,” squeaked campus caterpillar enthusiast/dork Clark Bean. “I saw them at a Kagin dance, and Jimmy was totally motor boating this senior, right on the stage! The illest (illest, really Clark? This is why kids knock your tray out of your hands in CaféMac. Loser. ) part of the whole thing was that he passed out right there, in the crevice of her breasts! Me and the gang (aka just Clark. Why does this kid suck so much?) were chanting Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Man, those were the times.” Even the staff has noticed the effects, morally and academically, Jimmy and the gang have had in class post-resolution. History of Incan Counter-Culture professor Kent Brocklin went even further in his praise for this spunky up and comer. “Dan. You know this kid Dan? Well he’s friends with Jimmy so you know he’s a giant bad ass. Anyways, I caught him in the back of my class the other day getting a hand job from this chick.” Brocklin then took a moment to remove his glasses, wipe a tear of laughter from his face, and compose himself. “All I could do was shake my head and laugh, cause the kid just goes so fucking hard all the time. It’s unbelievable. I don’t know how he does it. Plus the chick was straight banging, easily an 8.5.” It appears that up to this point, the group [7]

has managed to stay true to their promise of going real fucking hard in the new semester. Time will only tell, however, if they will be able to keep up this miraculous run at glory, as the semester drags on parties tend to get lamer, school work piles up, and Kagin dances are rented out for the old folks Polka Dancestravaganza. One thing that may give them hope, however, is the fact that spring and all her blessed sunshine and flowers are right around the corner. “Totally, bro,” Jimmy concurs. “I can’t wait for spring so I can wear board shorts and flip flops,” he says, though currently wearing board shorts and flip flops in a windshield of negative eight outside of Dupre. “The most important thing is staying true to yourself, cause that’s what a New Year’s resolutions are all about” he says, pounding his fist where he thinks his heart might be. “And getting tons of that pooty tang too.” Rock on Jimmy. Rock on.


spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Men’s Lacrosse Team Loses Game, Wins Hearts [Mel Kiper Jr Jr. Sr.]

On Tuesday the Macalester men’s lacrosse team played Carleton at Northfield. Despite the terrible playing conditions, the Scots looked great out on the field, giving high fives and ass slaps to both their teammates and their opponents. Referee Erik Jorgersson said of the Mac players, “they were by far the worst lacrosse team I’ve ever seen, but, by god, they sure as hell were great sports!”

“They were pathetic… like an abused puppy that keeps coming back for another kick,” said spectator Diana Patterson. “I thought they were going to play Lacrosse but instead they just wanted to play house. My grandmother would have played better out there.” But, as Macalester students know, winning isn’t everything. And the men’s team proved that with their terrific sportsmanship and school spirit, somehow managing to bring all five pillars of Macalester onto the field—including global citizenship and academic integrity. “Their dumb cheer ‘Drink tea, wear black; buy organic, GO MAC’ was ridiculous.” spat Patterson disgustedly. Captain Andrew Nussbaum, ’11, told the Hegemonocle that he intends to hold practices six days a week and make sure to work on sportsmanship, “The MIAC is a really tough conference, Gustavus and Concordia have really great spirit, and St. Olaf gets orange slices after every game…and even shares with their opponents. We knew going into this season that we’d really have to practice our hand-shaking and lining [8]

up.” On Tuesday, all that hard work seemed to pay off. Goalie Elliot Browning, ’12, told us after the game that “Walking out on the field was really tough- I knew we’d have to really keep our heads in the game to make sure we kept out spirits up. We got to Carleton and saw how nice those guys were. And not only were they polite and well mannered, but they looked like the pantheon of Norse gods, sent down to Minnesota. They just played like demigods out on the field and at the post-game handshakes, they were like Nobel Laureates. After they sent Bobby [forward Robert Sussman, ‘13] to the hospital, it took all of our practice to come in and give the Knights [Carleton men’s lacrosse team] a big group hug.” Sussman left in the 10th minute after a particularly vicious check from Knight defender Alex Knollersonvelt, ’13. “The Knights were real bastards, but it paid off. Our spirit was so much more genuine when blood was streaming down our faces” said Nussbaum. The Scots are currently in 31st place, trailing the Ramsey Junior High Lemonsquares, who are themselves renowned for their cordial and humble demeanor. But according to www.D3sportsmanship.com, the team is number 2 in the national sportsmanship rankings, right after the Brown University Brownnosers, who have been undefeated 70 years straight. “I’ve never seen anything like it!” said Carleton student and spectator Alyssa Knefellfeller. “We [Carleton] just kept on scoring, and scoring, and scoring! We sent one of their players to the hospital with a concussion, we checked them until they could barely stand, and they just came back after everything and give us high-fives.” Carleton captain Thor Jundusgaaard, ’11, said, “I have to give those plucky bastards credit! We kept scoring and they just refused to get upset. After every goal they congratulated us and complimented us on our technique. They even made a tunnel for our players to run through after the end of the game. Wow! What a bunch of idiots!”


spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

Safewalkers to make campus more dangerous [andy milonakis]

As many have observed, this semester has witnessed a conspicuous expansion of the SafeWalk program. In efforts to increase participation in the program, the SafeWalk table has received a tablecloth, the number of safe walkers per nightly shift has tripled, and the program has advertized its services on Band-Aid holders. Within SafeWalk, walkers have been awarded titles of “most responsible safe walker,” “walker with most murders prevented,” and “walker with the least attempts to his/her friends to call SafeWalk so that you can go to a party on Saturday night.” Despite efforts to get anyone ever to use this service, SafeWalk efforts have proved futile in raising participation levels. Perhaps there’s a problem with the school itself— it is hard to believe that handing out Band-Aid holders wouldn’t make the student body want people to walk them from the Leonard Center to Dupre at 11 pm. Whatever the issue, expect to see a major shift in the program’s trajectory next semester. Manager Jamie Dresher was willing to comment on the program’s new outlook: “Clearly in the past there has been little need for this program. What do you do when people don’t need something? You create the need. We are going to make Macalester more dangerous than going for a boat ride off the coast of Somalia.” What she is referring to is SafeWalk’s effort to make Macalester a more dangerous campus. Here is what you have to look forward to:

[9]

• Hereafter, all squirrels will be infected with rabies. SalkWalkers will be the only people on campus with the vaccine. • Macalester will subsidize housing for Saint Thomas fraternities within a one-mile radius of campus. • The pool will become a habitat for sharks with lasers on their heads. • Safe Walkers will exacerbate tensions already existing rival gangs—think the MacYarn vs. the hipsters, the baseball team vs. faceAIDS • Replace all ice with dry ice. • Students with H1N1 are forced to go to class (really SafeWalk?! 2009 called, they want their virus back!). • Portions in Café Mac will be downsized to the point of total malnutrition. • A dress code will take effect every night at 9pm (suspiciously the same time as Safe Walk starts) in which all students will be required to wear only black clothing. The only people with reflective vests will be Safe Walkers. The Safe Walk program thus asks you to not get a rabies shot in the near future, expand the amount of black apparel in your wardrobe, dispose of your collection of reflector vests, and think twice before using the school pool.


spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Terry Gorman loses moustache, all power Kathy, Asian Station

Head of Campus Security Terry Gorman had a shocking revelation last Thursday when the loss of his beloved moustache rendered him completely powerless. Gorman, who shaved as part of an undercover sting-operation in Dupre, found that without his moustache people either didn’t recognize him or outright disrespected him. When asked about the event, Gorman seemed to be making peace with his newfound standing in the community, “I get it,” Gorman said, “running a campus security team comes with certain responsibilities, awesome facial hair being the most important one of them. I’m sorry for letting everyone down.” Students and faculty alike were dumbfounded when shown pictures of the clean-shaven security chief. “I saw that hairless muthafucka on campus last week, I think he’s someone’s dad or something. He looked like such a little school yard bitch with his bare upper lip. I just started verbally abusing him fromn a safe distance,” said Dan Ramos, a Political Science professor. When told that the man in the picture was in fact the head of Macalester security most seemed to be either surprised or terrified, “Jesus Christ, that guy

Tom Selleck’s moustache is a more well-known actor than the face it is attached to.

Salvador Dali : painter and flowered moustache man.

[10]

doesn’t even have sideburns,” sighed Junior Steven Butterfield, “How are we supposed to feel safe?” Another student. Sophomore Buzzy Erikson, who recently had a run in with Gorman, said, “that babyface tried to give me a write-up last weekend, it was adorable.” Gorman’s current lack of what he calls his “upper lip amigo” has actually led to a lapse in campus security, and a potential crisis as small children have been running rampant on Macalester’s campus. “Terry Gorman used to keep all these kids off campus, now they won’t even listen to him. It’s really awful, I mean fuck, don’t these kids have parents?” said President Brian Rosenberg in an official statement regarding the catastrophe Terry Gorman has taken on a strict diet of red meat and potato purees in an attempt to rapidly re-grow his moustache and hopefully save campus from recent string of incidents that include, but are not limited to: Godzilla attack, impregnantion of every man on campus, wheat pizza being served at every station in Cafe Mac, the releasing of the Kraken into Riley pool, the long expected return of Jesus, and someone fucking forgot to refill the hand sanitizer dispenser on Turck 1.

Hulk Hogan’s moustache won more fights than he did. I mean, look at it.

Terry Gorman is just one in a long line of power moustaches.


spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume 4.issue2

Unsustainability Club Causes Panic on Campus with Violent, Non-Reusable Agenda -BIll Nye, the Science Guy Two weeks ago “ The Unsustainability Club” became an One of the clubs first controversial acts was the burning officially chartered organization at Macalester. Since then, of Markim Hall. The club heaved Molotov cocktails made the organization has wrought havoc on the Macalester cam- of imported Russian vodka at the Institute of Global Citizenpus. The chartering of the organization was controversial, ship, burning it to the ground within a matter of hours. “I but president Brian “ Pabst Blue Ribbon” Rosenberg said, was a little disappointed with the burning of Markim Hall” , “ After Mac Cousins of the Confederacy, Macalester Anti- said Steven, “ None of the students really cared and the fire Semites, Caucasian Culture Appreciation, and Mac GOP department didn’ t even show up. The next day, most of the became clubs, it was hard for us to say no.” students didn’ t even realize it was gone.” For the past two weeks the club has been fervent in Most affected by the burning of Markim Hall were Matheir activity on campus, but president of the club Red “ calester tour guides. A representative from their camp reThe People’ s Champ” Steven claims the organization has leased a statement saying, “Although we really loved showactually been active for years. ing that shit off to prospies, its “We couldn’t really charter the time we all moved on.” club until this year. There were Tour guides aren’ t the only some technical difficulties, but members of the community reactyou know that windmill? Yep, ing to the groups’ controversial that was us secretly lobbying to acts. Self- proclaimed King of the administration.” The installthe Hipsters Momba “ Numba” ment of the windmill is one of Phive said, “ I really like what the most ingenious acts by any Red and his club are doing. Beanti-green club in America. The ing unsustainable is pretty cutting windmill continues to eat up the edge and original stuff. I think college’ s resources; installation unsustainability will be really big totalling $5 million, and an adin about five years.” And that’ s ditional 1 million gypsy tears a why Momba isn’ t wasting any This baby seal will die a horrible death by bludgeoning year for upkeep. Steven then said, time. Apparently His Majesty has “It will take a whole epoch of the windmill functioning at already converted his home to be purely powered by coal. full capacity to regain the energy it took to transport it here” But what lies in wait for the Unsustainability Club? “I’ . ve got plans,” said Steven, “Hopefully Mac can get rid of all Despite having a first name for a last name, Red Steven renewable energy and be completely dependent on Martian seems to be a president with a mission. He told reporters, “ oil by 2015, but I’ m just a dreamer...I also would like to see We have been really inspired by the work of Egyptian Presi- all males on campus start masturbating into Styrofoam cups dent Hosni Mubarak. He seems like a really cool guy, and I and using baby seal oil as lubricant. You know how many think I speak for everyone in the club when I say we want to Styrofoam cups this campus would go through in a week hang out with that dude.” Steven told reporters that in addi- and how many baby seals we could kill?” Steven said other tion to Mubarak, there have been other major world figures Unsustainability sponsored events will include Triple Tray that have been role models for himself and the club. “We are Thursdays and a petting zoo with a cow that only eats burhoping to bring some off-campus polluters to come and talk ritos. “Bovice is kind of our club mascot. He eats a trough of to students in the upcoming weeks. Hopefully, Looten Plun- burritos everyday and releases his wonderful gases into the der will be speaking to students soon. His suave demeanor world.” Neeless to say, the club seems to be prospering and has really pissed off Captain Planet for a while, and we re- will active in the Mac community for years to come. ally like that.” Steven then added, “If we get really lucky, BP CEO Robert Dudley will be speaking to students on how they can make their presence known in costal communities.” [11]


spring.2011

Hegemonocle

volume4.issue2

INCEPTION CONTD. FADE IN COBB (Leonardo DiCaprio) I think we just entered the twenty-seventh level of the dream. I hear at this level whole years can go by in the time it takes Ellen Page to make a snappy remark ARTHUR (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) Ok,seriously, we are now this far down in a Leo DiCaprio subconscious and have yet to see any dude on dude action. I don’t buy it EAMES (Tom Hardy) Yea, I lost track twelve levels back when we were inside the dog’s dream for the second time COBB Why did we do that again, this is so confusing? ARTHUR I figured as long as we were doing this I wold try and teach my dog to shake hands. (spooky voice) oooooh Inception. EAMES Is it normal I always have morning wood after we do this? Sometimes we have to run away from the people chasing Cobb, and that just makes it harder. ARTHUR Wait! I thought we were just dreaming all the times we had to do that. Then we woke up and got eggs and they gave me ham instead of bacon. COBB At this point do you just think every time you wake up your coming out of a dream EAMES Do you realize how little sense that makes. COBB Hey, leave me alone. My wife died remember. (pause) motion! ARTHUR I was going to say something about that. What did she do again? She killed herself and framed you for that, and she appears every few minutes regardless of whose dream we are in to try and kill us. I’m sorry dude, but I got say your wife is kind of a B. EAMES Yea total B man. Have you considered boning Juno? COBB Fuck you guys, that’s the emotional center of the film. I keep her in an elevator for god sake. I can’t let go. ARTHUR God my life is so weird. Like that Jim Carey movie where he was serious. EAMES The Number 23? ARTHUR That wasn’t a comedy? COBB You mean Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I couldn’t understand why Jim Carey got his memory erased. Wouldn’t it just be simpler and cheaper to just get over her.

[12]


spring.2011

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EAMES All the drama in that movie was just derived from the convoluted and overcomplicated plot. COBB Truth. Fuck that movie. A WOMAN appears holding a gun. EAMES Shit its Cobb’s wife. Run (The men run. They hide behind a DENNY’S) COBB (peers into the window) Five for Five! Now that is a dream come true. EAMES Ok fuck this shit, are you that essential? Like do we really need to take you on every mission even though your evil wife avatar fucks shit up seemingly without fail ever single time. COBB Sorry, she is just a manifestation of my crippling guilt EAMES You shouldn’t feel that guilty. At least you were never in G.I Joe the movie(pause) BURN! Jospeh Gordon Levit burn! (COBB and EAMES high five) ARTHUR Hey. A girls gota eat. Anyway where are we besides behind a Denny’s COBB Are we maybe inside Tom Hanks dream. I feel like we would go there to try to inception him into giving us a Oscar. (look around) Yea, that’s where we are (The THREE MEN look around. They are on 1950s movie set, the cameras are pointed at a civil war camp, with men in confederate uniforms sitting around a camp fire. Suddenly there is a CRASH and a boom mike falls into the 50s movie set, showing there is a larger modern move set behind it.) ARTHUR Oh man, this is a dream about someone filming a period piece about filming a period piece. This has got to be Hanks EAMES and HBOs wet dream COBB Look at the chair legs, and the shoelaces. So realistic! ARTHUR Well let’s get on with it, I think I hear Edith Piaf. (EAMES walks over to HANKS) EAMES Hey Mr. Hanks, give us an Oscar TOM HANKS Sure, no problem. EAMES Thanks! ARTHUR AND COB Inception! (The three men high five.) ARTHUR Now let’s get out of here before something else happens. I hear the Denny’s in Tom Hank’s dream is open for another hour. (A giant title wave of pee careens towards them) COBB God damn it, did someone put my hand in warm water again? (Fade Out)

[13]


spring.2011

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Why Having Sex with Animals Should be Socially Acceptable [Jane Goodall] You can’t deny the occasional fantasies you’ve had about various rendezvous with our fellow four legged… or no legged friends. A couple animals that would definitely fit the bill for a sexy roll in the hay would be: Slugs Slugs are hermaphrodites and have both sex organs… so we’re basically on our way to a threesome. Hallelujah! As an added plus, the trail of slime that the slug leaves behind is excellent lube for all your sexual needs with no added cost! Pigs Pigs are one of a few species (other than us humans) that are proven to have sex for pleasure…. Rolling around in the mud with one of these pink beauties could get real dirty. In more ways than one. Goats Ever wanted to get a baaaaad ass blowjob? Now you can. Imagine your dick being sucked by a goat, with the little hairs on her chin brushing up against you. Hot. Porcupines First of all, porcupines are horny as fuck. On several occasions, female porcupines have been seen using a stick as a dildo to satisfy themselves. If that isn’t a cry for help, I don’t know what is! They could really use our assistance to help get them off. I mean a stick? Now that’s just pathetic. Dolphins Dolphins are known to engage in intense sexual play before intercourse, if you’ve never experienced underwater role-play, I’d say now is the time! In addition, as dolphins grow old they tend to turn bisexual, so if that’s your cup of tea, then make sure she’s good and aged before you strike. Penguins It is proven that some female penguins will sell themselves in exchange for pebbles. Now tell me that isn’t cheap compared to the other hookers you’ve paid. Just go outside pick up a few rocks and toss them at your nearest penguin. Make sure to ask her about her past, I hear emperor penguins have herpes going around and that shit mixed up with penguin feathers isn’t a pretty sight. Honestly, if I don’t have you convinced by now to get nasty with the nearest newt or do the dirty with your dog then you can go back to your kind. But I’m warning you, if you want an easy and enjoyable bang sesh, humans are most definitely not the answer.

[14]


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Dinosaurs Found Alive, Dinosaurs Class Now Irrelevant [Charles Barkley]

Course GEOL-101, commonly known as Dinosaurs, has long been viewed as an essential part of the Macalester liberal arts curriculum. It’s course description describes it as “a class for people who will never get laid to gather and learn about these magnificent, totally fucking awesome beasts which lived a really long time ago and are never going to exist again.” The class is divided into three parts: an analysis of dinosaur poop, discussion of heternomative dinosaur behavior and Tyrannosaurus hegemony, and repeated screenings of Jurassic Park I and II, but not III, because that one was unrealistic. However, Harvard Palyontoglo—Paleontogol—Paleontolog—fuck it—Harvard people who study dinosaurs, have announced a new discovery deep in the jungles of South America. In the northern highlands of Brazuguayistan, a previously unknown area somehow passed over by Google Earth, there are living, breathing dinosaurs. The Harvard pale©ntologists first reported their findings in the journal GQ in late 2010, though widespread attention only came later when Steven Spielberg announced he was going to make a Jurassic Park IV. The reaction at Macalester, especially in the Geology department and Dinosaur classes, has been muted. “Most students at Macalester already know that God created dinosaurs 6,000 years ago on the Fourth Day, so this just proves it,” said sociology major Frankie Everett, ’14. “God for the win, no biggie,” he added. Whether or not the omnipotent deity worshipped in some incarnation by billions of people across millennia is in fact winning is a separate issue, however. What the Harvard paleontoglogists did discover is that actual dinosaur behavior is quite different from what Macalester’s Dinosaurs class taught. For instance, rather than being the autocratic ruler of a dinotatorship, Tyrannosaurus Rex was actually a figurehead atop of a vibrant multi-party dinosaurian democracy, and the Stegosaurs was into only open relationships. “Everything we thought we knew is wrong,” said Karen Jackson, ’11, the Dinosaur preceptor, “I don’t know what to think anymore. Who am I?” Other once-sacred tenets of the Dinosaurs class have also proven false. For instance, as students learn in the

course segment “Raptors,” velociraptors learned to open doors to find food. Actual observation of dinosaurs in their natural habitat has proven this to be false. Instead, velocirapots are characterized by their love of breaking out a Little Mermarid blanket and catching some sun on Kagin lawn during a nice spring day. “This is terrible, just terrible,” said Geology major Sarah Softrock, ’11. “I wrote my entire Capstone about how raptors learned to open doors. I never even considered there lacks of thumbs.” Many students have been very disappointed by the new revelations that much of what they learned was wrong. “If babesaurus smutticus isn’t an actual dinosaur, then what have I been beating it to all these years (probably Gary Busey)?” asked a very confused David Clawpitt, ’12, who took the class in the fall of his freshman year. Perhaps the greatest blow to the Dinosaurs class comes from the surprise that neither Jurassic Park I nor II were accurate at all regarding dinosaur behavior. In a surprising turn of events, the once-lambasted documentary series “The Land Before Time” is now believed to have been largely accurate in its depiction of dinosaurs. The Macalester Geology department has since decided to stop offering Dinosaurs as a class, and instead students can take GEOL-101B, Planets of Star Wars, because there is no way they can fuck that one up.

[15]

Despite half of her life’s studies becoming obsolete, Kristi loves a good dino hug.


spring.2011

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Dr. Professor’s Homework Help Dr. Professor

Welcome to the Homework Helper column, my dear Macalester family. Yes, I just referred to you all as my family. Not that you are actually my dear loved ones. Why would I ever insinuate such a thing?

around trying to remember chemistry when you can be out there living it! The world is full of Bonds and Sean Connery was just one, though he truly was the best.

No, not a rhetorical question, though you may well have misinterpreted those words with a dash of sarcasm at first sight. So why would I call you my family? The likely answer is that, as a result of a fall on this infernal ice that is plaguing the entire universe of late, I have been on a delightful cocktail of painkillers until my broken bones have knit themselves back together like a sweater of support and love for the structure of my body. So in the spirit of warmth and prescription medication, I’ll field some of your brainless inquiries now.

-Dr. Professor. My Darling Doctor, The time has come for me to apply to grad schools. I took a class with you freshmen year (when you still taught classes), and I was wondering if you’d consider writing a recommendation for me? I remember the way that you would look at me across the classroom – maybe if you help me make my dreams come true, I can help you with yours… [winks enticingly]

Dear Dr. Professor,

-Baby Blue Eyes

I’m kind of struggling in my Organic Chemistry class right now. Everyone tells me this is simple, but I’ve yet to hear an explanation that really gelled with my way of understanding – what is the difference between a benzene ring and a cyclohexane?

Eyes,

-Chemisery

How fascinating that you think I would be interested in something like that. If I look at my students with anything besides mild ennui, it is solely to convey the image that I am invested in their education. If you want to help me make my “dreams come true,” you’ll get into a grad school based on your own merits or you’ll give up and let a real scholar take your spot.

My good Sir, -Doc I’m pleased to see that you, unlike so many out there, actually waste my time with proper academic questions. Though somewhat trivial, your question displays a burning pursuit of knowledge, and I appreciate this trivial pursuit.

Dear Doctor, Why was this winter so goddamned cold? -Worried Minn-ice-snow-tan

When categorizing these chemicals, you have to pay close attention to the details. Call in 007, because it’s all about the ‘bonds’ – what bonds to what and in what quantity. I personally favor the mantra Christianos ad leones, which is Latin for ‘seize the day!’ Don’t sit [16]


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Minnie, I think a better question is who are you? What makes you think that I have an explanation for the random fluctuations and inconsistencies in the Earth’s dear atmosphere that cause seasons to differ by the year? Do I look like an expert on the warming of the globe? Do you mistake me for some kind of Al Gore figure who delivers elaborate presentations in front of movie cameras and packages them as feature length films, tricking audiences into thinking they are awaiting some blockbuster experience? Did I lure you into a movie theatre and make you sit through 100 minutes of green hippie-evangelism that frankly made my popcorn stale? Or do I resemble some kind of string theoretician perhaps? Do I walk around with unkempt hair wearing tweed jackets and thick glasses, spouting ideas and theorems that few people, if any, besides myself can comprehend? Do I place myself on some insanely high pedestal that makes the rest of humanity appear to be nothing but bugs crawling around my ankles!? Yes I do, and the simple answer to your question is spiders. -The good Doctor Good Sir, I write this directed at your reading audience – are you all blind? I for one am tired of this man using his column as an opportunity simply to sing his own praises. If he toots his own horn any louder, he’ll pass out! I want to see some real answers to our questions. Is it too much to ask for a little respect? -Somewhat Peeved Peeve McQueen, You have the gumption – the downright nerve – to come into my house and spread such unflattering rumors about me? I’ve got a mind to alert the proper authorities! Your mother and I have been doing my damndest to raise a productive member of society and this is how you thank her? That takes some guts, kid. If you still want the job, it’s yours. Otherwise have the receptionist give you a sandwich on the way out. He makes one hell of a Reuben. Well, that’s about all the questions I can bear to stay awake to answer. Get better all of you and don’t go outside ever. Wheaties-The Breakfast of Champions.

[17]


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A report from SAC

[gary coleman, president]

True Blood. Buffy The Vampire Slayer. The Vampire Diaries. Twilight. These days, society is bombarded with images of the sexy supernatural. More and more, the media is cashing in on images of scantily clad bloodsuckers and shape shifters. We are told that to have one’s bones chilled by the touch of a vampire is erotic, that to be in the presence of a dangerous lycanthrope is a sexually thrilling experience. While this new trend is certainly good news for proponents of more “traditional” and “popular” monsters like werewolves and vampires, it obscures the sublime sexiness of a lesser-known monstrosity, namely the Mexican Goat-Sucker, or simply, the Chupacabra. What is so sexy about a Chupacabra? I’m glad I asked! I’d like to start by describing the facial feature of the Chupacabra. First, the Chupacabra has striking eyes. Bright yellow, with exaggerated bloody red veins. Additionally, it has an extra skin on its eyes to protect it from goat furs. ¡Que Caliente! Also, it doesn’t have a nose. If that’s not a turn-on (or boner-on, if you will), I don’t know what is! Of course, it would be impossible to discuss the sublime seductiveness of the Chupacabra without a description of its tongue… Or should I say tongues! I should, because a Chupacabra actually has 3 tongues. Can you imagine a Chupacabra licking carcass blood off your body… I know I can! Next, on to the fur of the Chupacabra. I know no oth-

er way of describing its coat than to say it’s patchy and crawling with goat lice (except for its pubic hair, which it carefully trims into the shape of a heart. And also crawling with lice). Ow Ow! Does anybody else here have an erection… Or should I say erections? No, I shouldn’t, because I only have one penis. Male chupacabras, on the other hand, have anywhere between three and seven penises, each of which is retractable. While I’m aware that not everyone is as (sexually) into the idea of multiple penises as I am, I think that we can all agree that when you add the feature of retractability, it really is an alluring image. Well, that’s all I got. If you aren’t incredibly turned on right now, then I don’t know what to tell ya. So get out there, find yourself a Chupacabra, and make some half-Chupacabra, half-human babies. They’ll be adorable, I tell ya!


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Godzilla Ruins Another Blind Date [Abel]

11pm Friday night- - Sitting alone in his studio apartment, Godzilla, the giant radioactive lizard that has wreaked havoc upon both Tokyo and New York, watches Maid in Manhattan and wonders if he will ever find true love like J-Lo. He has just returned from another botched blind date, the sixth one this year alone. As he pours himself another cup of chai and opens another package of bon-bons, he tries Godzilla eats his feelings with the help of friends Ben and Jerry. to understand how he could of possibly crushed the watching his favorite shows, like waiter with his giant lizard foot. Grey’s Anatomy. Thats just not the This is not the first time that this Godzilla I know.” radioactive monstrosity has utterly Moth-Ra, a good friend and trashed his romantic prospects as if Godzilla’s wingman (get it?) has they were city buildings. Of course expressed frustration. “Every there is the notorious incident weekend I convince one of my friends where Godzilla accidently burned to to go on the date with the poor death Carla’s mother, a well known guy. And while I am a lady’s moth, first date faux-pas. Then that one I don’t think I can keep coming time where he let that off-hand up with girls. He is starting to anti-semitic remark slip. How was develop a reputation”. he supposed to know that Sarah was At press time Godzilla was Jewish? trying to numb his feelings by Godzilla’s friends and family eating many tubs of Cherry Garcia are starting to get worried. His and Chunky Monkey flavored Ben and brother, Chris Bosh said, “You Jerry’s Ice Cream. “At least I am know after the infamous date with not stress eating people”, said the Jessica, Godzilla just hasn’t horrific monstrosity, “Humans go been the same. He hasn’t massacred right my to my thighs.” thousands of city dwellers or stomped on a city block for almost a whole year. He is not keeping up with his rent and has even stopped [19]


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Mac Embraces Bottle History Month [Poseidon Jones]

It is generally agreed upon that August, besides having 31 days, unlike those pussy months with only 30 days, pretty much has nothing going for it besides the History of Bottles. Mac’s observance of Bottle History Month has made public the long fight of America’s reusable water bottle population for dominance in public hydration. America’s population of reusable water bottles has long suffered due to a vast influx of cheap, disposable plastics; billions of immigrants have been brought in bulk from of Fiji, Kirkland, and Poland, and have taken jobs away from green-blooded, native-built water carriers. The reusable community has long suffered indignities at the hands of the spring water moguls and their foreign laborers. Even to this day, fountains that serve tap water go un-cleaned near bathrooms, while bottled water receives a place of honor, and NYC’s East River is rife with gonorrhea. Bottle History Month was created to commemorate those who fought for bottle justice, people such as: Ernst J. Camelbak, militant founder of the United Plastics; Richard Nalgene III, proud piss bottle of Neil Armstrong and the first bottle to the moon; and E.M.S. Longrod, the BPA-leaching freedom fighter who delivered a legendary speech in little Tommy’s Kitchen. He had a dream for a future with only tap water, free of high-browed water bottles.While many students supported the newcomers, even employing up to 48 at a time through Costco, the school has taken steps to secure its border, and aid the tap water movement in delivering students water with more mercury and lead. • Effective immediately, all Macalester students will be required to submit to a pat-down when returning to campus from any supermarket, to prevent bottle trafficking. • Anyone found with bottled water will be charged with possession of illegal water, and deported to Kirkland or Poland along with the offending bottles (Fiji’s too nice).

• Anyone caught complaining about the taste of tap water will be called a bitch and mocked by Sustainability Office workers, then added to the greenlist • Tap water must never exceed lukewarm temperature, in order to save energy on heating and cooling. Violators will be added to the greenlist. • All water consumed by students shall have a thick consistency and aftertaste. • Students shall consider themselves lucky that they do not live near the East River. • Metals in water are no big deal. • The Sustainability Officers reserves the right to call students on the greenlist into a meeting of the Macalester Un-Green Activities Committee. Students have responded to the changes by not giving a shit. One student said: “I already have a 50-pack at home. I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuck. I use about 14 a day just washing my hands and gargling in the morning. The rest I use to wash my nads and, occasionally, I pour water out my window to help that big tree that provides me with important shade during the four days a year that its warm out.” Most see the new power of the Sustainability Office as something Orwellian, however much such an abused term means. Meanwhile, cultural orgs in support of immigrant rights have stepped up on their support of the Kirk, Fijian and Polish bottle populations in America, chalking up sidewalks and painting on the rock a complete list of every tributary coming off of the Mississippi.

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IGC Newsletter [brian williams]

After more than fifty possible candidates and nine months of speculation, the Institute for Global Citizenship has a new Dean. In a move that surprised some, the IGC search committee announced that Osama bin Laden will be taking over for Ahmed I. Samatar in the fall as Dean of the Institute for Global Citizenship. Bin Laden, an alumni of the King Abdulaziz University in Saudi Arabia, was seen as an underdog from the beginning due to a lack of recent publications in major academic journals and his masterminding of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. However, to those familiar with the committees decision process, this move may appear less surprising. “We knew from the outset at least one member of the senior Al Qaeda leadership would be considered. The IGC has established a considerable working partnership with them since we began, I mean some of the best work being done in caves is being done by these guys” said Paul Robinson, the Chairman of the search committee. Other sources confirmed the committee was impressed by bin Laden’s wide array of connections in every part of the world, as well as his work in third world grass roots organizing. Additionally, many on the committee expressed a desire to look outside the traditionally closed halls of academia. “We wanted someone with real world experience as well as scholarly credentials, someone who has really made an impact on the world at large as well as in the classroom” said Robinson. Mr. bin Laden’s application came via video tape, Legally Blond style, last spring in a group of packages postmarked from the Tora Borah region of Afghanistan, most of which contained anthrax meant for student body president Owen Truesdell. “I had to admit,” said President Brian Rosenberg, “I was not expecting the world’s most wanted man to try

and get us to want him, but after reading some of his thoughts on transnational labor movements in Latin America and the impurity of Western blood, it became pretty clear to everyone involved that this was our guy”. The Macalester student body has responded with cautious optimism and the thought of such a new perspective playing a major role on campus. “I strongly disagree with his stance on the annexation of the Shaba Farms region by Israel,” said Jon Aldermen ’13, “but other than that I’m willing to listen to what he has to say and am excited to have him on campus”. Others were slightly less enthusiastic. “It’s not as bad as the time the school took my $6 to give to MPIRG,” said David Millburn ’11, “but he did kill thousands of innocent Americans. But then again this is pretty much what I have come to expect from the Macalester administration”. Following the announcement, future Dean bin Laden addressed an audience of nineteen students via teleconference from his cave/office on the Afghanistan-Pakistan boarder. “I am still slightly unclear about what the purpose of Institute for Global Citizenship is,” said a beaming bin Laden, “but I have no doubt that over the next few years we will advance towards that goal, whatever it is, with great determination. Also women shouldn’t be taught to read”. When asked whether he worried about capture if he were to leave hiding to come to St. Paul bin Laden assured us that no police, military, C.I.A agents, or mutant people hunting monkeys were allowed on Macalester’s campus without the expressed consent of the college. “I guess I better do a good job or else Brian can just call delta force” joked bin Laden, “but seriously, please don’t call delta force”.

[21]


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Inside the Actors Studio

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James Lipton: Hello, ladies....and the gentlemen as well. Tonight.....our guest is a renowned physical artist and showperson. Imagine....if you will....a pool of vomit. It has pieces of Ramen noodles, broccoli, and Sour Patch Kids in it. Now.....further imagine..if that vomit became living tissue.....blood....organs.... and bones. And that it began to murder members of the National Football League....... It would succeed in killing all....but one of its prey......... When it would approach our guest tonight...it would be bedazzled, entranced, and stupefied....by his glorious manners. It would proceed to and shrivel....and...die. Our guest.....the ghost of Christmas now.....Chad Ochocinco. * Enter Ochocinco. Crowd cheers * James Lipton: Shut your mouths. He is here tonight to tell the chosen..watching their television screen.... the wonders of his collection of newly released musiclays......simultaneously musicals.....and plays....... at the same....precise....time. Chad.....you don’t mind if I call you that do you?...Don’t answer that. Chad.....how?

Ochocinco: Well James, it came to me after I raced that horse. I was like, “Damn Chad, you know? You good enough to be on Broadway.” And I did some research and I found that they have musicals and plays, so I decided, so they don’t have to wait for the musical version and then the play version, I’d invent the musiclay.

James Lipton: Yes, yes yes yes yes, yes, yes, yes! I can see it...right in front of me now. Now.....we are graced...with chosen selections...of three of Dr. Cinco’s musiclays....right before our very bodies. What are they Sir Chadsalot?

Ochocinco: So first we’ve got “Death of a Salesperson”. My character’s Willy Loman, a businessman who wants his son Biff to be a traveling salesman, but get this: Biff’s is dumb as hell. Here’s how it plays out: --------------------------------------------------Death of a Salesperson-----------------------------------------------Ochocinco: Man, it sure is tough. All this traveling and stuff. Biff (to the tune of “Teach Me How To Dougie”): Hey dad, am I gonna be as good a salesman as you? Ochocinco: Child please! I make change like Barack!! Biff: But dad, I ain’t got the smarts yous got. Ochocinco: You damn right son! I could convince a bear to breakdance on ya face! I am really smart! Biff: Aw, I’m feeling feelings of inadequacy and suppressed self-awareness at this point in the musiclay. Ochocinco: End scene. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------James Lipton: Fuck my eyes that was superb. I am defiling it with my voice. Please Chadililly....speak. Ochocinco: Yeah so, if you didn’t catch it I was trying to work in some complex themes that I think’ll really get to the audience. You know, make some bitches cry.


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James Lipton: Bitches try to front....I just smoke a blunt. Ochocinco: That’s what I’ve been trying to convey James! I thought it was only me and my dick, Russell the Love Muscle, that got it but you’re all over this shit Lipton! Yeah, alright! Here’s the next musiclay called “Romeo or Juliet”. I’m Romeo and in the story Romeo is really into Juliet but, James Lipton: But what?! Chad con Carne! What is it! Ochocinco: But, their families don’t like each other a lot. James Lipton: Another surprise....from Professor...Ocho von Cinco. Ochocinco (laughing): Oh yeah, you know James, I gotta keep you on your toes man! It’s never as simple as it looks baby! Aight, so here’s a scene from it: ----------------------------------------------------Jomeo and Ruliet---------------------------------------------------Juliet (to the tune of “Work It”): O think’st thou we shall ever meet again? Ochocinco: Bitch please! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------James Lipton: Wife....if you are watching....I will require new pants...upon my return. I have lost control of the nectars of my body. Ochocinco: Man I have no idea what James Lipton: Continue! Ochocinco: Uh okay.... here’s a scene from my final musiclay called “East Side Story”. It’s about two gangs, the Jets and the Sharks, that just don’t like each other. I’m the leader of the Jets, Tony, and this is a scene between me and the leader of the Sharks, Bernardo: ------------------------------------------------------East Side Story--------------------------------------------------Ochocinco: Hey man, fuck you Bernardo: Hey, I killed your friend, Riff. Ochocinco (to the tune of “Haterz Everywhere”): Fuckin’ hate your ass right now. Bernardo: Let’s fight, with knives. * Scuffle ensues * Bernardo: Alas! I have been stabbed in the penis! Ochocinco: Gotcha bitch! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------James Lipton: Sir Chadless the VIII.....good actors....touch.....but a few lives...during his or her time on the stage........you sir.............shape the clay of existence......whenever the curtain reveals your presence...... Thank you....and may your days be numbered as the blades of grass.......This concludes our program..... there will be no questions....Count Chatula is a busy man....we would do best to look in awe....and pray to the gods of acting that he continues in his solemn duty of changing the universe....one musiclay at a time.


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Squirrel Student Union demands equal rights for Squirrels [The Famous Jet Jackson]

With the 2011 Spring Semester well underway, the Squirrel Student Union has announced that it hopes to achieve recognition from President Brian Rosenberg and the college administration as full-time and equal students at Macalester. Under current rules, Squirrels are allowed to take up 10 credits per semester and use the commuter student meal plan. They are not eligible for financial aid. Since the start of the 2010 fall semester, the Squirrel Student Union has been circulating a petition among squirrels and human students alike to gain support. “A lot of the no-tailed giant hamsters look down on us with contempt,” said Squirrel Student Union president Harry Chestnuts. “We are a proud species with a long history at Macalester, and such treatment is completely undeserved.” To gain signatures, squirrels involved with the petition would run up to a human and stare at them. If the human gave them food or any sort of attention, that was counted as a signature. As of February 1st, the squirrels had collected more than 13,000 signatures on the Macalester campus alone. Many professors have expressed support for the squirrel student body, and there are rumors that they may push the school to begin offering degrees in squirrel scent identifcaiotn and post-modern nest building. “I think its about time that squirrels were accepted here as full students. I mean, we already accept vampires,” said human junior Jaime Furstrip, referring to Economics major Edward Cullenberg, ‘12. Still, not everyone would welcome full-time student squirrels to campus. “There are reasons why we don’t accept squirrels,” said president Brian Rosenberg. “They are always bathing in the dorm toilets, leaving their nuts everywhere,

chasing their tails on the fourth floor library, trying to start gang fights with the international kids, and some try to pay their tuition in acorns.” With nearly 2500 squirrels living and studying at Macalester alone, they actually outnumber the human student body already. If squirrels were granted full-time student status, housing in on-campus dorms, workstudy programs, bestiality, and studying abroad are all issues that would have to be addressed. Macalester’s policies about sex and sexuality on campus would also need to be revamped. Proposed outreach to squirrels includes a Squirrels Reclaim Masculinity student organization and a “Consent is Squirrel” awareness campaign. “I think it’s important that squirrels understand and practice safe sex, with each other and human students” said Heigh Woudd-Jablome, ’11, who is openly and proudly squirrosexual. “They need to feel comfortable with their sexuality, but also use protection.” Other colleges in the area have already begun doing more to make their squirrel student populations feel more welcome on campus. In addition to providing heated oak tree dorms for residential squirrels, the University of Minnesota even has a squirrel fraternity, Kappa Phi Acorn. The University of St. Thomas is beginning to open its division III sports teams to squirrels, and their football team’s fullback is a large brown squirrel, Reynold P. Oaknocker IV. For now, the campaign to make squirrels full-time students at Macalester is backed mostly by the Squirrel Student Union, though both People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and Rednecks for the Eating of Tasty Animals have voiced their support. President Rosenberg has said that he will consider implementing the new measures next fall, but warned, “if I find that squirrels were the ones who toilet-papered my car and office last Halloween, they can forget about it.”

[24]


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Burrito Night at Café Mac Leads to Gas Leak This farticle brought to you by the Hot Pocket Foundation

Lock your windows! Close your doors! No open flames! In a stroke of unsurpassed brilliance, Café Mac employees decided to empty a massive cauldron of black, red and pinto beans into the ingredients for Monday night burritos on the South Side of the cafeteria. Looks like that annoying kid in the visor gave everybody too many beans and not enough rice again, and the consequences have been reverberating throughout campus for days. At 11:15 AM, CST, the St. Paul Fire Department smelled gas smells coming from the Campus Center, the dorms, the library, all academic buildings, the chapel, the health and wellness center, all walkways, benches, local businesses, language houses, sports fields, the veggie co-op, and surrounding neighborhoods. Vibrations from gas incidents have measured up to 4.6 on the Richter scale, and the currently under-construction Music building collapsed on 15 workers. “If you can’t get us out of here, at least bring us some food!” one cried from the inside of a piano. Unfortunately, the decision to distribute the remainder of the beans to the trapped workers gravely exacerbated the situation, as blocks of concrete were seeing flying over the Macalester Groveland community not more than half an hour later. The expulsion of gas by the student body has varied from machine gun releases to silent but deadly clouds of lethal fumes. The windows in café mac have been shattered, and the ya-der-hey tectonic plate underlying Minnesota was shifted several degrees. Many, many, many, many smokers have combusted as a result of the gas leak. Within 45 minutes of the initial leakage, Macalester’s student body was void of all smoking hipsters, leaving a handful of sports teams and the Mac G.O.P. The board of trustees was notified of the damage

done to campus buildings, and responded by mailing President Rosenberg a suitcase of assorted $50 and $100 bills. When President Rosenberg stated that throwing money at the problem would hardly help solve the gas leak, Ruth Stricker Dayton allegedly responded by noting that, “at least they have something to wipe their asses with!” Despite the uproar, a handful of students have attempted to take advantage of the flatulent circumstances. MacCares began distributing skateboards on Tuesday at noon, encouraging students to utilize natural gas as ae means by which to propel themselves to and from class. A candlelight vigil was held in honor of the stranded construction workers, as students held matches to their rear ends and saved on the cost of candles. The heating bills for March are expected to decrease significantly. African Music Ensemble has even incorporated the new rhythms into their latest concert set. Terry Gorman sent a series of frantic emails in response to the gas leak incident. “OH MY GOD, SHIT!” the first one said, which was followed by “LOCK YOUR WINDOWS, FUCK!” Until ordered to do otherwise, students should report to the bomb shelter located in the gender resource center in the basement of Kagin. Fortunately, the gas leak took place in conjunction with sex positive week,. As such, butt plugs will be provided.

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Hegemonocle

The Lonely Planet Guide to Campus Sex: Macalester College [Will.i.am]

It’s Saturday night. You just met a freshman at the Kagin Dance. She (or he) is wearing a slutty garbage man costume, you’re hopped up Enrique’s latest single, and you’re looking to move the party to your lofted bunk bed in Dupre. You arrive home, only to find that your roommate is studying/asleep/passed out in a puddle of her own vomit with her sweatpants on backwards. We’ve all been there before. Your bed may be your go-to spot for getting your freak on, but it is not the only or even the best place for sexytimes on Macalester’s campus. We here at the Hege have conducted exhaustive (and exhausting) research into the best spots on campus for getting it on. All so that you, dear reader, no longer have to worry about your roommate and her cock-blocking vom-sweats. 1: The Editing Suites in the HRC These small rooms on the west side of the Humanities Resource Center are usually used for recording/editing/unleashing your artsy-hipster-film-nerd. The rooms don’t provide a lot of space or comfort, but they are private, possibly sound proof, and provide a great way to record and edit your own amateur porno (which you can later submit to the HMCS Department’s annual video show!). Go later in the day, when the HRC isn’t full of people doing their Chinese homework or printing color copies of the poster for their band’s latest gig. 2: Art Department Another artsy choice: the art building. You can start off with a private drawing session with your nude model of choice, then head upstairs to the Art History lounge, located above the painting studio. There’s a cozy couch, and the lighting is striking – you’ll get inspired, and get off. Some senior art majors (who haven’t left the building since the middle of their sophomore year) are natural voyeurs, but probably won’t interrupt – just look out for a life-size screen print of your tryst at the Student Art Show in the Spring. 3: The Stacks Don’t roll your eyes just yet. It’s not cliché, it’s classic. If you’re a Lit major, you can choose the section with your favorite author; CS majors might find the Technical Manuals section to be extra titillating. If you have no bibliographic preference, we recommend the third floor – there are fewer people and some noise is allowed, so you won’t have any harried 4th floor studiers shushing you. Or, grab a friend and a Chewbacca costume, and act out your favorite Star Wars garbage-disposal fantasy with the moving shelves in the basement. 4: Carnegie Fire Escape Okay, hear us out on this one. It’s a beautiful location – you’re able to look out over the St. Paul skyline, and if you do it doggie-style (and/ or reach-arounds), both of you can enjoy the amazing view. However, the site is well monitored by security guards; in our experience, day visits get squashed by Terry Gorman. Buyou venture out under the cloak of night, you are less likely to get stopped/ and or caught.

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But if you venture out under the cloak of night, you are less likely to get stopped/ and or caught. 5: Student Lounge Endless benefits: Couches and a pool table, post-coital popcorn, and you can check your SPO afterwards. 6: CRSL Kitchen No one is ever down there, except Joey Mayer during his office hours (but he won’t mind). Also, lots of free food-play options, and you can do it while your cookies bake. 7: 4th Floor of Old Main The view is romantic, it’s spacious and comfortable, and it boasts a kitchen with counter space. There’s also a coat closet where you can hide if Mac Dems decide to hold an impromptu meeting. 8: Library Presentation Practice Room It’s probably more private than your dorm room: you can lock it from the inside, and not many people know it exists. It has a sturdy table, and a projector for the IMAX porn experience. 9: The Psych Experiment Labs in Olin-Rice Private, kinky, but it’s unlikely that either you or your partner will be able to find them in the maze that is Olin-Rice 10: CC Meeting Rooms They’re easily accessible, and the blurry glass provides privacy, but it’s likely that a lost Mac Gaming Society member will walk in on you. (Which can easily be swung into a hell of an orgy.) 11: The Dupre Smellevator It takes foreeeeeeever to get to the 5th floor. 12: Locker Room Saunas in the Leonard Center Probably limited to same-sex couples, and staying in there for extended periods of time poses a health risk – so don’t exert yourself too much. 13: The Swings Self-explanatory. Wildcard: Dorm Showers The question of boning in dorm showers sharply divided us. While we both agree that shower sex in general is A-OK, dorm showers in particular are a point of contention. One of our staff writers, who is all about gettin’ down in the damp, cramped confines of communal bathrooms, compiled an extensive list of pros and cons for each dorm shower, while our other writer had the following perspective to contribute in regards to dorm shower sex: “It’s icky.” We’ll leave that decision up to you.

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Cause the lists in the hood are always hard... Articles that Didn’t Make it through the Hegemonocle’s rigorous selection process

Reason’s Why You are Buying a Pistol

Horse Congress Getting Nowhere: Because they all say ‘nay’

MacBike rode across your lawn one time too many

MCS Major Murders Friend in a Bowl of Chocolate Syrup For Senior Capstone

Just for funnzies

‘H’, ‘M’ and ‘C’ taken out of HMCS major

If I can’t win this hoola hoop contest, no one can

Likealittle.com renamed to likelloydvogelalot. org

The Redcoats are coming Your pet Chupacabra escaped again

President Rosenberg cockslaps a penguin at a recent Kagin Dance

PFs

Student bites into famed Macalester Orange, destroys Greenland

What other way can you gonna bond with my three year old daughter?

Geography Department confirms that Minnesota is only Land of Three Lakes.

Its an upgrade from your blunderbus

Corrections:

Reader Responses

Last semester’s Hegemonocle featured an article that complimented Laurie Hamrie. The Hegemonocle regrets this error.

“Dear Hegemonocle Assholes,

Last semester’s Hegemonocle said that the article would self destruct in 10 seconds when it actually did so in 5. We regret the loss of many of our loyal reader’s hands. We forgot to call our mother. Is it that much of a chore just to show her that we love her? neeed one [28]

You think you have won, but it is only the beginning. I am slowly amassing my army biding my time, getting ready to bring yo human asses down. Already I have the support of the salad bar, the cereal bowls and even Brandi. Thats right mo’fuckas, Brandi. Your fucking worst nightmare, Wheat ‘Ghostface Killah’ Pizza Dear Hegemonocle, We have feelings too. MacGOP


The Starry Hege Issue: Spring 2011, Volume 4, Issue 2  
The Starry Hege Issue: Spring 2011, Volume 4, Issue 2  
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