The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 4, Issue 1 Spring 2011 Mikey Freedman
Dan Rocklin Good Cop
Mistress of Cheetos Hater
J. Jonah Jameson
Erin Hocking Peer Mediator
Man of Wax
Michelle Einstein Nobel Laureate
Libie Motchan The Bambino
The Big Ticket
Ryan Kerwin Dingo Trainer
Maxwell Loos Fund Rager
The Big Fundamental
Patrick Leppink-Shands Le Pink Panther
Chief Medical Officer
Justine Decker Smart House
Melissa Larson The Pagemaster
Joseph Evers Party Every Day
The Chosen One
Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum
Dogs & Chicks A Photo Essay
Let’s face it, chicks love dogs. If I learned anything from Homeward Bound, it was that chicks get a boner for dogs. But how do they do it? Or better, how do I become a dog? After 57 dog years of research, I managed to figure out what makes dogs so fly. Just look at this G, scoping the streets for chicks. His face says I don’t need you, but his body says Let’s DO IT. And with a build like that, what chick is not going to want to have sex with this dog? Check out my man in action! The girl’s all like “let’s freaking get naked dog” and he’s like “what’chu talking about bitch? Can’t you see I’m tired? That I’ve had a long day at work? That I’ve already had sex with 6 chicks this afternoon? Girl I need a break. I’m not a motherfucking machine.” A chick asked this dog for some firewood and he brought her back a tree. How did she repay him? Let’s just say she had sex with him. My D-double-O-G macking on this chick in a park: “Hey girl what’s up, what you readin’? Is it Call of the Wild? Is it White Fang? Is it Where the Red Fern Grows? Is it The Curious Case of the Dog in the Nighttime? The biography of 1998 pro bowl MVP Keyshawn Johnson entitled Give Me The Damn Ball? Because I can sympathize with that last one” Girl: Oh! Um, you know, well nothing.” Dog: Is ‘nothing’ as interesting as you smell, baby? Cause you smell fine as hell!” Girl: Let’s get it on. That’s all there is to it! You gotta hand it to ‘em, dogs are pros at workin’ the ladies. So next time you see a dog, make sure to give him some big ups, ‘cause that dog is definitely not a virgin. If my research has told me anything, that dog has been working it since he was 14 years old, which is 2 human years, which, by my calculations, means us non-canine bros have gotta lot of catching up to do. 3
Police: Macalester College a front for mid-level Twin Cities drug operations [dick tracy] The world of higher education was shocked Saturday when federal agents announced that an ongoing investigation had turned up irrefutable evidence that Macalester College, a respected private liberal arts college in West St. Paul, was, in fact, a front for a midsized Minneapolis cocaine dealing operation. FBI agent David McPherson announced the investigation’s findings at a press conference on Saturday, claiming “this was a hard one, but the good guys eventually won out.” As early as March of 2008, the St. Paul Police Department began looking into the money trail of known Minneapolis narcotics distributer Burt “Slick Money” Brown. “Something didn’t add up,” explains Lt. Carla Green, an original member of investigation. “These guys were making thousands, sometimes tens of thousands a month, but where was the money going? We were able to trace some of it to a few well-known drug fonts: a hotdog stand on Lake Street, the Minnesota Timberwolves, the band Creed and Silly Bands, but at the end of the day there was still money unaccounted for.” Then, in early 2009, a confidential informant tipped off investigators that several of Slick Money’s associates had taken briefcases full of cash to “some school by the river.” Several high level undercover agents confirmed that these transactions took place several times a month, leading the FBI to form a special task force to investigate the flow of money into Macalester College. It was the fruits of that investigation that were revealed Saturday. Confidential sources within Slick Money Brown’s organization say the college was used as a bank of sorts, a legitimate front to hide the gang’s profits from selling drugs on the 20-25 corners they control. “We would take the cash in some briefcases to a parking lot and give it to this short dude named Brian,” claimed one informant who asked to remain anonymous. “Short dude, but word is he wasn’t someone to fuck with. The boss said he makes the cash look legit.” A series of raids conducted Friday uncovered a hoard of falsified tax filings documenting the multiple ways in which the drug organization used the college to hide their profits. Chief among these methods was the construction of the Institute for Global Citizenship, the fund for which served as a funnel between the college and 4
drug organization. More than $1400 in drug money. Other programs, like the basketball team, Safe Walk, and no tray Tuesday , were created to hide the gang’s money as well. Although there is speculation that some legitimate business did indeed go on at the small St. Paul college, it appears that most of the school’s activities were for the benefit of the gang. “The Annual Fund, MPIRG, the Humanities Media and Cultural Studies department: fake, all of it fake,” said one informant close to the situation. “Occasionally we would have to hire a real professor so the Department of Education didn’t get suspicious and realize that our accreditation documents were drawn on the back of napkins.” What is perhaps most shocking to many is that Macalester, thought to be more than 150 years old, has in fact only been around since 1995 when the gang decided to shift their primary front from a Taco Bell on West 7th. An investigation into those claiming to be alumni revealed that the gang had bribed, or in some cases intimidated most of supposed “alumni”. “Macalester, never heard of the place” said former Vice President Walter Mondale, “but for 80 bucks and free cocaine I’ll say pretty much anything.” Said one supposed alum who wished to remain anonymous, “I’m one of the most respected diplomats in world history, why would I claim to have gone to some weird school in Minnesota unless someone was threatening to break my legs?”
Adult partying increasingly affects student body [charlie sheen]
Crystal bottles strewn throughout the halls. The smell of piss emanating from the carpet. A Power Ranger action figure in the microwave. This is what the residents of Wallace dormitory hall have to wake up to every Saturday and Sunday morning, and they claim it’s only getting worse. “You expect better from them, you really do,” said Katie Simmons ’13, an economics major. “Some of these people were alumni, for God’s sake, you would think they would treat the campus with respect.” Indeed, it has been a ritual of sorts, starting with the Great Panty Raid of 1982, for residents of the neighborhood to come to Macalester College on the weekends to party, relive their college days, drink excessive amounts of alcohol, and violently disrupt the students attempting to put those finishing touches on their Spanish composition at one a.m. on a Friday night. Over the last five years, however, the students have noticed a sharp uptick in the amount of destruction and the sheer size of the adults and their children partying in their halls and, occasionally, in their dorm rooms. Student President Alan Trammel elaborated, “I really think with this economic depression more and more adults are finding large quantities of free time and to be honest there’s only so much Mad Men these people can watch. What we really have to do is increase awareness around campus. I’ve heard numerous reports of locals dressing up as janitors and then taking off their costume inside the dorms and removing two flasks full of whiskey they had strapped to their inner thighs and just dougie-ing all the way up and down the stairs. I even heard of a guy hiding his baby under his hat to sneak him in.” Last year, Macalester filed 12 reports of adults partying in the dorms, though the real number of parties is rumored to be up to 20. This year, with the adults reportedly getting a copy of a D-key made for them, the number has grown to 73 reports through only the first half of the year. “I played a little basketball Friday night and when I went to grab a shower around eleven. There was a boom box playing Remix to Ignition in there and all the showers were taken and when I went into one of the stalls a little girl called me a pervert and chased me out of the bathroom,” said Sam Beckerman ’12, shaking his head in disbelief. “The worst part 5
was that when I went back to my room two people were hooking up on my bed so I just watched public television in the lounge by myself and fell asleep in there.” Other students agreed that the worst part is when the adults, and even children, came into the individual dorm rooms unannounced. “A little nine-year-old was jumping on my bed and when I tried to get him down he yelled, ‘yea right four-eyes’ and slapped my glasses right off my face.” RA James Seller choked up. “And then…and then…then….he took my Silly Bandz and called me a ‘real fucking disgrace to the institution of higher education that is Macalester College’.” Not surprisingly, many of the adults refused to be interviewed for this article. So far, the destruction has totaled over one hundred thousand dollars and has included three broken tables, two broken lounge chairs, seven holes punched in the wall, numerous graffiti taggings, and however much it costs to send 6 students to therapy. However, one adult agreed to give a statement on the condition of anonymity. “First and foremost, adults go real hard every fucking weekend. That’s just the nature of the game, so haters gonna hate and I’ll just keep rolling 30 deep and smoking the fattest blunts y’all ever seen. Secondly, haters gonna hate and if I’ll keep pouring champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. Thirdly, hi haters! I see you! And, my apologies to Dupre 4 for taking a shit in your trash can. But that’s just what happens when you’re four lokoed up. Oh yea, hi haters!” President Rosenberg was interviewed to give a rebuttal to such hateful and ignorant sentiments. “Yea, it’s a real problem here that we are taking seriously and are sure to get to the bottom of. It’s a shame that students can’t just enjoy themselves on the weekends with some apples to apples or a quiet game of backgammon. I’m sure, when confronted, the adults will understand.” Before this reporter was ushered out of his office, Rosenberg screamed, “hi haters!” and appeared to throw up a black power fist before adding, “Go hard, baby! Go hard!”
The Jewish Control Corporation: Quarterly Report Compiled by Joel Kaplan-Goldmanstein
Shalom and welcome to our Quarterly Report. Let me just say, you are such a mensch for opening up this here magazine all the way to look at our little report. But its quite a report, you’ll see—eh? Miriam, not now, I’m talking to the mister here. Miriam, your pills are on the counter, over there. Oy vey. Sorry about that. It’s almost supper time here and Miriam has to take her pills. Anyways, where was I? Ah yes, our quarterly report. It’s a very special one, you’ll see. I made it nice this time, what with the graphs and diagrams, my grandson Isaac was up all night making those. You should have seen him, pounding away on that fancy laptop of his. All the typing and the space-ing and the clicking, ay yay yay,
AIPAC dinner to go yacht racing, or some mishugina thing. And we on the board of the Jewish Control Corporation decided that he was getting a little too chutzpah for out tastes. So Avi said, “why don’t be blow up an oil well?” That will show him who’s boss. Next time Tony Hayward will think twice before snubbing AIPAC. Then we had August. This August was the two year anniversary of the start of the financial crisis. That one you can’t blame on us. Those big shot banks, Bear Stearns, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, those were our guys, for pete’s sake. We didn’t want them to go under. All we had tried to do was buy up the rest of the world that we didn’t already own.
A top-secret meeting of Illuminati Jews running the world.
I could never do that. He’s a genius, that one, going to go to Harvard, just like his old man. But I’m getting distracted. You didn’t open this for a chat and nosh, you wanted to see our quarterly report. Miriam— MIRIAM, where are my glasses? Yes, I checked on the table. Yes—yes, they were on my forehead, just like last time. Ah, that’s better. Would you care for a Dr. Brown’s? I insist. My daughter-in-law, Ruth, she brings them with her when the family comes to visit us in Brooklyn every month. So are we ready to get started, already? I feel like I’ve aged five years since you started reading. Alright then. We’ve had a very busy year, you see. Running the world isn’t as easy as it used to be. What with the Fox News, and the cable TV, and that schmuck John across the street sticking his goyim head into everything. But still, we manage. Let’s see here. Quarter one, quarter two, ah, here we are, quarter three. July, that was a hot one, that was. Our BP spill was going right on schedule. Yup, that one’s on us. It was Avi’s idea. Remember Avi? He was—yes, Miriam, I know he hasn’t spoken to his mother in two years, an—yes Miriam, I know. Anyways, around April, Tony skipped out on an 6
Maybe a nice place in Florida, for when Miriam and I retire. But then, those crazy goyim banks went and fercockt the whole thing. It got really hairy for a second there. Fortunately, Rahm Emmanuel, who controlled the White House at the time, had our guy Binyamin Bernanke put in charge, and boy did he save our keister. To big to fail, phooey. We didn’t want our banks to go down, and we sure as hell weren’t going to let them. September has some big events for us. Our annual meeting of the Jewish Heads of State convened in Tel Aviv. It’s a big deal. All the Jews who actually run countries meet to go over policy and swap stories. Rahm Emmanuel of the United States was there of course, and so was Andrew Goldstein of England, Manuel Isaiah of Peru, and Rivka Slotberg of Romania, to name a few. Big name people in the JCC. This year, they decided to continue spreading the myth of global warming. When it first came up a few years ago, a lot of people inside the JCC, myself included, didn’t think people would fall for it. But did those gentiles ever. I still can’t believe they actually believe now that human actions are harming the planet. What a cockamamie thing.
A Letter from Captain Planet Dear Planeteers, Look, clearly we’ve got some shit we need to work out. In light of recent events, it has become obvious that I need to spell out the type of situations that I am prepared to handle. As a starting point for this let me describe what went down last week from my perspective: I was chillin’ in my apartment, listening to some cool tunes, eating some cocoa puffs. Suddenly, I was magically teleported cause you all decided it would be a good idea to put your rings in the air and say the names of some elements. (And “heart”, wtf is up with that shit? Am I right? Am I right?) Now, as much as it sucks to unwillingly teleport somewhere, I’ve become used to it. Usually, I just have to show up for a couple minutes and kick Pauly Polluter’s ass. No big deal. This time, however, instead of seeing Hoggish Greedly or Looten Plunder, I saw that you summoned me so I would help you fight THE FUCKING JOKER. The same Joker who murdered the second Robin by beating him with a fucking crowbar. The same Joker who shot Commissioner Gordon’s daughter, kidnapped him and had him tortured by circus freaks. The same Joker who stitched a bomb inside of a crazy person so he could break out of jail. So, yeah, not quite on the same level as the Pinhead Brothers. So, there I am, disoriented, in a warehouse surrounded by the joker and his goons. First, Joker sends his goons at me. Notably, these aren’t the type of henchmen that I’m used to dealing with. I’m better with thoe ones whose main purpose seems to be getting beat up and setting me up for puns. No, these goons had knives, chains, and I’m pretty sure one even had a hypodermic needle. Despite this challenge, I proceeded to do what I do best: kick ass and take names. Although I sustained a number of serious lacerations (and a possible Hepatitis B infection, I’m still looking into that), I emerged from the scrum victorious. Then, the Joker started laughing. There are some experiences that necessitate superlatives, and this was one of them. That laugh was the creepiest, most harrowing thing that I have ever heard. It was the sound of fingernails on chalkboard combined with the ghastly bellowing of a water buffalo in heat. Paralyzed by fear, I could only watch as he approached me. Soon, we were standing face to face, and he was looking straight into my eyes. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun. At this point, I literally shit myself, which is something I’m disclosing for some reason. He then pointed the gun straight at my head, and pulled the trigger. Out popped a flag that said, “Bang!”. That’s when I got the fuck out of there. Look, I’m not proud of abandoning you all with the Joker, but what exactly were you expecting me to do? Dealing with psychotic serial killers doesn’t really play to my skill set. In case there was any further confusion about situations I’m prepared to deal with, I’m including a chart:
Opinion: Maybe We Should Start A Witch Hunt? [regenal cleetens]
Hello fellow citizens of Belville. I am Regenal Cleetens, the town hog rasseler. I wish I could be writing this opinion article under better circumstances (as was the case when I wrote of the merits of hog rasselin’), but unfortunately these are not times of good cheer. If you’re like me, you’ve probably noticed some freaky shit going down. The drinking-well’s been smellin’ funny. Cows be dyin’. Warts been poppin’ up on folk. Gruffy, the town goat, been lookin at people funny. Occam’s razor says the simplest answer is the most accurate answer, and people of Belville, there aint nothin’ simpler than witches. Now, I know that the term “witch-hunt” has some negative connotations in our society. People associate it with non-witch persecutions, like Mccarthy and whatnot (who I nonetheless believe history will vindicate). What I want to do is return the term witch-hunt to its native, true meaning. By witch-hunt, I mean an organized procedure by which (pun not intended!) a community discerns who all be witches, and proceeds to kill those witches in a ritualistic manner. Some of you may still have concerns, and I will like to address them. The most common objection I hear is that a witch-hunt may mistakenly kill some non-witches. To this argument, I have several responses:
2. Even if we do accidentally kill a few innocent maidens in our quest to expunge our community of the spawn of Satan, is it not worth it? Sure, perhaps we will go through ten, fifty innocents max before we kill our first witch. But how many warts would that witch have caused had we let it live? I, for one, do not want to find out. As the expression goes, you have to kill a few squirrels to make a squirrel omelet.
1. Witch-hunting techniques are increasingly accurate. There are several modern methods available by which we can discern who be causin’ warts and whatnot. For example, I happen to have bought (for an exuberant amount, I may add) a witch-smellin’ hog from my hog-retailer. His name is Squeaky, and I have been assured of his abilities. Additionally, there are tried and true methods of determining which (pun intended!) folk be witches, such as placing them in a box full of rocks and tossing it in the lake. If the box sinks, they be innocent. If the box sinks, they be innocent. It’s literally that simple!
• Susan McConnely: Susan be knowin’ about arithmetic and other fancy stuff like reading and writin’. Sounds like a witch to me!
People of Belville, there are times when history asks men to do extraordinary things. This is one of those times. The work will be hard, but future generations will look back and say, “Thank god they done killed all those witches”. With that, I would like to conclude with a list of people who I believe are especially deserving of being witchhunted: • Sally LaFague: Everyone knows about Sally’s lazy eye. Lazy eye’s are weird, and so are witches. Enough said. Also, she’s a member of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, which is down-right anti-American (My grampa didn’t kill 50 Britishmen so I would have to wait till I got home to drink my whiskey, God-Dammit!) Witches always be those anti-American types.
• Jenny Margerette: Jenny’s got that big ol’ wart. In that police business, that’s what they call “probable cause”. • Zerlinda the Green: Somethin’ just seems off about this one, but I can’t quite put my finger on it… Well, let’s get to it. My witch-dar (like gaydar or radar, but for witches) is goin’ crazy!
Macalester goes green as shit
[kermit the frog]
In a move that many are calling “what the fuck!?” and “get that goddamn tape recorder out of my face,” Macalester College announced last Friday that it intends to go entirely green by the end of March 2011. The announcement came as a shock to many Macalester students. “I think you have your facts wrong,” commented Alphonse Fibula, ’12. “There’s absolutely no fucking way that Macalester said that.” He went on to provide his musings on the impact that a college like Macalester has on global climate change, and the steps that the college will have to take to ensure that it has the tools and funding necessary to become a fully self-sustained Earthship in just less than two months. “Are you even a real journalist?” Other students claimed that they saw this coming as the logical next step after the college received a LEED ‘Platinum’ rating on the new Markim Hall. Said senior Joyce Mandible, “Come on, where’s the camera? [I am in full support of the greening of the Macalester College campus by the end of March, 2011.] This must be a lame attempt at one of those TV prank shows, right?” This sentiment was echoed by freshman Tim Clavicle who added, “I don’t believe you. I mean, if it’s true then wow, more power to them. But I don’t believe Macalester would undertake something so ill-advised, especially with the renovation of the fine arts complex just underway. [Three cheers for sustainability!]” Aspects of the plan to take Macalester off of the utilities grid include fixing the existing wind turbine (so that it actually provides power) and installing 30 similar ones on what is now the football field, as well as completely razing the Campus Center to make room for a giant water reservoir. While these are without doubt the most controversial steps in the plan, what has been the most talked about on campus has been the decision
to literally color all of the remaining campus buildings green with a new variety of moss displaying startling photoelectrical capabilities that has been developed collaboratively between the biology and physics departments, with help from an outside consultant at NASA. This wonder-plant is expected to provide 87% of the campus’ power in the summertime. “I’ve never heard of such a thing,” declared Professor Ralph Cranium, head of the Physics Department. “I think you just made it up.” Enthusiasm for the project is not restricted to members of the Macalester community. Noted environmentalist and U2 front man Bono gushed that, “How did you get this number? I’ve…heard of Macalester college and…give a fuck about [the fact that]… they are…saving…[the] environment.” Former Vice President Al Gore’s office sent a speedy reply when asked for comment: “This is an automated email reply to inform you that Mr. Gore is out of the office for the weekend [celebrating in honor of Macalester College].” Though Macalester College President Rosencrantz has declined to make any official statement, holding off until the press conference arranged for next Thursday, he offered a few thoughts off the record. “What the damn are you doing in my living room? Get out of here or I’ll call the cops!” While popular opinion varies among the campus population about the new vow for Macalester to go green by April 2011, the one thing that cannot be denied is that change is in the air. As my arresting officer said from his seat in the front of the squad car, “How are you still conscious? This is the most I’ve ever tazed anyone in my life.”
A modest interview in Brian Rosenberg’s modest house [terrence howard]
The following interview was found transcribed in lipstick on a dish towel stuffed behind a radiator in The Mac Weekly office last night. It seems some intrepid young reporter in the 1950s, or perhaps more recently than one week ago, discarded the article in a state of intense frustration after not being able to spell the word ‘dyslexia.’ We at the Hegemonocle would like to assure our readers that the article’s facts have been checked, verified, copied faithfully to the original document, and then shamelessly embellished upon to the point that what appears below is now almost entirely a work of fiction. We hope that you enjoy it immensely and we all learn a little something about human nature. Well, well, my darling readers of this our campus newspaper: The Mac Weekly – the time has come once more for me to talk to someone and tell you how they responded. This week I have had the honor, privilege and good fortune to interview our school’s President and Shepherd in this great time of many disturbances in the Force, Brian Rosenberg. I entered our interviewee’s living room at precisely 10pm on a Thursday to find him practicing his waltzing skills with a very beautiful mop. As I broke the window, he screamed and brandished his dance partner like a weapon, before recognizing me and instantly relaxing to the point that he only fumbled anxiously in his pocket trying to find his cellular phone. This is where our interview began… Brian Rosenberg: What the Dickens!? The Mac Weekly: Oh, Brian. Ha ha. Ha. Answer my questions. BR: I’ll call the police! TMW: I am the police. BR: Well thank goodness you’re here! Someone just broke into my house and tried to interview me.
TMW: Damn straight. So Bri-Ro, tell me what it feels like to rule over this great land of Macalester. BR: Well kiddo, first off I’d like to start by kicking you in the face…[He kicked me in the face.] Then I’d like you never to call me Bri-Ro ever again. And please leave my house. TMW: Quite so. Now tell me Brosenberg, when did you know that you wanted to be a benevolent dictator? Was it when you were an infant, or sometime before that? BR: I’m not a dictator, I’m the President of your college. If you insist on questioning me, I’d appreciate a bit more professionalism, if you don’t mind. TMW: Not at all, not at all, Brian. So ‘President’ Rosenberg, if that is in fact your real name, why Macalester College? BR: Now there’s a question I can actually answer. You see, Macalester, to me, represents a world of potential. Potential for more environmental friendliness, potential for our students to succeed in whatever they put their minds to, electrical potential… [At this point President Rosenberg launched into a long, poetic soliloquy that frankly put me to sleep. I decided to get right down to the nitty-gritty…] TMW: OK, that sucked. New question: why is there so much Kofi Annan paraphernalia all over campus? Why not some other alum, like Peter Berg? BR: Who’s that? TMW: You know, the guy who directed Hancock. BR: Dude, Kofi was the Secretary-General of the United Nations. That’s so much cooler than directing some movie with Will Smith in it. TMW: See what I mean? It’s like the school is just a front for the Cult of Kofi, or something. BR: What? That’s silly. What a silly idea. What? TMW: Aha! You’re getting nervous. Spill it, Bro. BR: Well, my first experience with Kofi Annan was as a young boy of 32. It was just like in the movies – I was out for a drive on the icy roads, when I rolled my car into a ditch. My arm was pinned, so I couldn’t get out. Worse, I was starting to smell smoke. I thought, ‘this’ll be the day that I die…’ [Here, he broke out into a chorus of Don McLean’s “American Pie”. It was a beautiful rendition that left all of the eyes in the house moist.]
TMW: Bravo! Encore! BR: Don’t interrupt. So I was sitting there pondering my fate, when I saw headlights coming seemingly from all around me. I heard a car door slam and looked up into the eyes of my savior. TMW: Kofi Annan? BR: Shut up. I didn’t recognize him at first, but I later learned that it had been none other than the great Kofi Annan. TMW: Like I said, right…? BR: Shut up! Well, I decided then and there that I would become a benevolent dictator at whatever college Kofi Annan had attended, even if it was Macalester College. And so it is. TMW: That was beautiful. Now answer my next question. How many roads must a man walk down before you can… BR: No more questions. I invoke the power of Kofi! TMW: The what? [The entire house started shaking. I had to steady myself with a mop, as I cast my eyes around trying to determine what kind of foul play was afoot. Suddenly, one wall exploded into brick dust, and a figure with glowing blue and orange eyes stood outlined in the gap.] Kofi Annan: Hey Bri-Ro. For what reason do you summon my power? TMW: Holy mother of all that is holy! Can I get an interview with you Kofi? When did you realize that you could become a Super Saiyan? BR: Thank Kofi you’re here, Kofi! Want to do something about this guy? KA: Sure thing. Then maybe we can go out for drinks and discuss world domination and/or the next Macalester monument to my greatness. BR: Sounds good, Kofi. Sounds real good. TMW: ..... I woke up three hours later naked in the bushes under the UN flag pole in the center of campus. To this day, I’m unsure of what happened in those few hours, but I do know that one should not question Macalester College’s devotion to our most kind and generous protector, Kofi Annan. Seriously – just don’t do it. Failure to cooperate may lead to vomiting, nausea and dislecsiya… disslaxiuh… dyslexaiua… Fuck it. 12
A History of Playground Violence[GYIC, Television 12] John B.: Hi, I’m John Blarmensag and it’s good to be out of a cage. Tonight, I have a very special report on two new employees at Washington Elementary. Tony Esposito and Jake Mancini are playground attendants at Washington Elementary School. They spend their afternoons keeping the kids safe and making sure everyone plays nice. The two are performing community service for a string of robberies and cop-killings in 2007. I followed the two around for day to see how they are adjusting to life at the Elementary. Tony: “Get a load a this one! Wise guy thinks he can climb up the slide.” Jake: “Boss, he don’t know the rules.” Tony: “He doesn’t know the rules?! And what bird sang you that?” Jake: “Joey was saying that the kid’s a new guy” Tony: “Joey?!...That Joey with the funky eyes?! Kid isn’t even 7 years old and he thinks he’s big enough to be in third grade. Jake: “Joey’s a reasonable guy” Tony: “Whatever you fuckin say...... Hey you!!! Yeah you. No, not you with the Cosby Christmas sweater. You! Not with the fuckin parachute pants. You. Get the fuck outta here fuckin Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Yeah, you, with the dumb hat. Yeah, do you know, that slides go down, not up.” Kid: “Yeah” Tony: “So next time you get the genius idea to go up the slide, use this little pneumonic, “down good, up dumbass.”
Tony: “Oh fuck. Okay. We’ll go in slow. Don’t you fucking looking at him, you hear me?” Jake: “Yeah boss. I hear ya.” Approaching Timmy Tony: “Hey there... Timmy! How ya doin? How’s ya mother? She doin okay?” Timmy is eating wood chips Tony: “You’re looking good! Keeping in shape definitely!” Tony kicks Arnie off of the wood chip pile Tony: “Well Timmy, a pleasure as always! We’ll be talking. Say hi to your mother for me.”
Moving across the playground Jake: “Hey boss, they tradin sillys over by the basketball hoops. They don’t even have the right papers” Tony: “Mother fucker!” Moving towards the basketball hoops Jake: “Alright boys the jig is up!” The kids scatter, dropping their silly bandz
Kid runs away crying
Tony: “Fuck!!” Jake: “Check this out boss, they got some M. Night ShyaJake: “Don’t ya think you’re being a little harsh on ‘em?” malan ones. Some hard shit.” Tony: “The little fuck’s gotta understand how it works Tony: “Don’t touch it. You’ll get hooked with a single trip. around here. Hey kid! With the fuckin mom jeans. No, This is fuckin disgusting. Hey Arnie! Arnie! Get this the not Donald Trump. The one..... Yeah, right, like I’m talkin fuck outta my sight!” to you C-3PO. You! Yeah! You trying swing to the fuckin moon?!” Back to the News Report Kid: “Um, uh, no” Tony: “Well then slow down or I’ll chop your legs off.” Jessica Lurmskagger: Wow John, that’s really something. Turning towards the play structure Jake: “Not to be the bearer of bad news boss, but Arnie’s getting near Timmy’s wood chips.” 13
John B.: Um... yes... I suppose it is. That’s all we have for tonight folks. Stay tuned next week for a report on fluid dynamics and spotted wrens. Until then, please save me, they put me in cages, and have a wonderful night.
My parents divorce IS my fault
My bad self Oh hey, didn’t see you there, come on in. I see you’re admiring my sweet toys. You see this truck? See how shiny it is? Daddy gave it to me for my second Christmas. Thats right, I said second Christmas. And you see these Power Ranger shoes that light up when I walk? Mommy gave that for first Christmas. I’m just rolling in toys. I mean, I practically shit toys. How did I get here? Let me spell it out for you illiterate fools: divorce. It all started last year. We just had a family meeting, and Daddy said he is moving out of the house. And all I have to say, I’m pretty goddam proud of myself. Five and half years of hard work finally paid off. I mean, it’s not like my parent’s strong loving and loyal bond would have been broken by any child. Not to say it wasn’t hard. You know how much of that disgusting ass baby food I had to eat to fill those diapers? And thats not even counting the coins and plastic I swallowed when they were trying to have a nice night’s sleep after a long day of work. Not in my house. We’re going to the emergency room at 2 a.m. instead. All according to plan. I’m still hoarse from all that wailing I did. Those chumps had me screaming in their ears like a banshee round the clock. 24/7. They couldn’t even think about how they enjoyed each other’s company or that one wonderful night in Vermont, because I was making their eardrums bleed.
So by now you’re probably wondering; but Hot Timmy (everyone calls me that), what was the final straw? What tipped your p-rents over the edge? First, I would say that ‘s very a good question. Second, I would tell you that is when I interrupted passionate, even some-what violent make-up sex, saying that there was a monster in my room. And that monster came back every damn night too. So let this be a lesson to you kids. Don’t wait for your parents to split, be proactive, make it happen. Your toy and ice cream intake more than triples and you know you got the upper hand when they sit you down and tell you “it’s not your fault”. Cause it is and be damn proud of it. Keep yo kid hand strong. Timmy Out.
One of my bomb-ass toys
A Letter to Nerds
More than a quarter of Macalester students think President Rosenberg is a Muslim. [jane goodall]
A recent survey conducted by an anonymous student group (Probably MESA) produced the shocking revelation that more than a quarter of Macalester students are pretty sure that President Brian Rosenberg is a practicing Muslim. With all of the anti Muslim sentiment in our society today this has been quite a shock to the campus. Some students were confused about his name. “I always just called him PBR… I thought that it stood for Pabdul Bahir Ruwafy, I am actually pretty shocked that I have had it wrong all there years” Explained Macalester student Porky Magdalene. “Isn’t the syllable –berg common in Muslim names?” Asked Macalester student Feivel Goldblattsteinwitz. However not all of the confusion had to do with his name. Geology Major Liz Lymon recalled, “My freshman year he allowed some student to recite that thing we always say at the end school gatherings in Farsi, that’s pretty much the same language as Arabic.” Some students are also confused about why he allowed the flags of some predominantly Muslim countries to don the walls of the new field house. Macalester student Glenn Rushity explained his confusion this way “Macalester is a Presbyterian affiliated school
so why do we have the flags of Muslim countries on the wall of our field house? Doesn’t he have any respect for the flags in the old athletic center that was demolished for it to be built? I am fine with acknowledging the existence of Muslim countries not there. (Editors note: we are pretty sure he actually is not ok with Muslims existing anywhere.) Also how is the school spending hundreds of thousands of dollars designing the mosaic flags when organizations like the Hegemonicle receive less than 100 dollars to buy Cheetos with??? Where is the money coming from? Al Qaeda that’s probably where.” While we cannot comment on the this issue we would like to clear up one thing: President Brian Rosenberg is not a polygamist. Although it is common to see him bringing young women back to his house at all hours of the night these women are not his wives. In other news the number of students who think President Brian Rosenberg is “heteronormative” dropped to its lowest level in six years.
Listless lists [inee dorder] Things You Do When You Should Have Been Studying
Reasons Why You’re Getting Kicked Out of the Dorms
• That girl from down the hall • Making a life size statue of John Stamos out of Flaming Hot Cheetos • Facebook stalking your parents • Acquiring +2 experience points • Renewing your vows to Jesus • Begging on the street to fund tuition • Eating your life size statue of John Statue made out of Flaming Hot Cheetos • Dying from eating 20 pounds of perfectly sculpted, beautiful Flaming Hot Stamos Cheetos • Reading the Hegemonocle • Masturbating to the Hegemonocle
• Skinned a dear in the bathroom • Cuddle session with RA went terribly wrong • Refused to turn down Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic” after quiet hours • Mother still lives with you • Forget that clothing is not optional • People not with you using the floor lounge to host the cock fight matches • You smell like 10k after a sweaty freshman rave • Don’t turn off the volume when watching porn • Your alarm is Ke$ha’s Tik Tok • Dupre 3 fight club exactly like movie fight club • Pooped in the elevator • LARPing in the hallways
Things to Include in the New Art Building
Country Flags Not Hanging in the Campus Center • The Former Revolutionary Soviet Democratic Republic State Formerly Known as hatever country Fez from “That 70s Show” is from • Candyland • Pangea • Translyvania • Planet of the Apes • Prussia • Wonderland • Slavislavia • Flatland • Latveria (Education is not one of Doom’s policies) • Kokomo • A flag that adequately represents the awesomeness of America • Tatooine/ Texas
• Rancor Pit • A massive marble statute of Brian Rosenberg riding nude on a platinum pegasus • Alchemy Lab • Giant TV screen that gives useless information to complement one in CC • Archery Range • Padded psychiatric ward per request of MacGOP • A expansive storage area to accommodate Laurie Hamrie’s ego
Reasons Why I Love Grandma • Her stories about wars that didn’t happen • Great tits • Farting when she walks by • Extra skin=extra fun • Telling me to get a job every two days • Her racism • She lets me wear her hot pink velour sweatsuits • She puts the “rock” in that rocking chair
Virgin at Macalester Part II: The Dates Doty 5, Virgin Isles- So it’s me, the Virgin. Yep, I’m back. Still a virgin, still frustrated and still bell-less. And let me tell you, the bell seems to be getting farther and farther away, and it’s not because my lack of sex has lead to osteoporosis. I’ve been getting to know the guys at this school a little better, and my options are getting more and more dismal. Those available guys out there? Yeah. Good luck. I really don’t understand the admissions office, it’s like they wanted a sexless campus or something. Why would you want a sexless campus? Pretty much everyone on campus is legal and you know we get enough sex education before we come here. I know how to defend myself against a Sexually Aggressive Male. You don’t have to worry about it. I want to be having sex out here! I’m telling you, it’s a conspiracy. Im on to you, admissions people. You know what’s interesting? For some inexplicable reason, I have been asked out on multiple dates since the Hegemonocle came out. It’s funny—I can’t get a date at all and then this article comes out and it’s like I’m Meghan Fox or Justin Beiber or something—everybody wants a piece!.
room? The guy, naked, standing in the middle of my room, holding a ferret over his… well, I think you know where. When he saw me come in, he solemnly held the ferret out to me and said “I give you my consent in the form of the Holy Consent Ferret. Consent is ferret is Mac.” I kicked him out. Without his clothes. What’s the point of this article? THERE IS NO HOPE. Girls, please just go to Saint Thomas if you want to get some. Actually wait… there was this one date that was super fun. We went out to a movie, a chick flick even, and then to dinner. We had a great conversation about Gossip Girl and how Chuck and Blair are about the cutest couple ever and how Serena is a skank. Then he advised me on what clothes to wear to make me look skinnier. The date ended there, but we’re going shopping together next weekend!
Let me just tell you about some of the dates I’ve been on. Oh, yeah, they were great. Not. I went out with one guy who had fake Spock ears. Then there was that guy who took me to Café Mac for dinner and offered to “pay for me.” Oh, and let’s not forget the guy who is building a light saber as a side project and told me that if it works he’s going to move to Tatooine, so we couldn’t have a serious relationship. And those were just the normal ones. I did have one good date. There was a candlelit dinner, romantic music, everything you see in the movies. He was even a good kisser! I decided to invite him back to my room. I left the room for two seconds to tell my roommate not to come in, and guess what I found when I got back to my
The bell I so desperately long to ring. This really should be Macalester’s new seal. At least for me. 19