THE MACALESTER HEGEMONOCLE
THE YEARBOOK EDITION Volume 14, Issue 3
HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 14, Issue 3 Spring 2016 The Yearbook Issue
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Jamie Goodin ’17 Austin Parsons ’17
EDITORIAL HEGE GRADS Spencer Carter ’16 Anthony Granai ’16 Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Bailey Polonsky ’16 Mo Usavage ’16
EDITORS EMERITUS Lydia Karlson ’16 Tom Wakin ’16
Managing Editors Sarah Coleman ’18 Danny Ochoa ’18 Head Writer Sean McDonald ’18 Social Media Editor Marissa Heim ’17 Radio Editor Yafiet Bezabih ’18
STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Myles Ambrose ’17 Eli Lilleskov ’17 Kate Garrett ’18 Thali Zikos ’18 Elena Santarella ’19 On Sabbatical Xander Gershberg ’17 Declan Cummings ’17
Head of Production Noah Mondschein ’18 Production Associate Will Milch ’19
SHOUT OUTS DuckTales Blunt Privilege Classic Pool and Spa for employing Lydia Surly Brewery for obliterating our senior staff Revolutionary men who shop in the women’s section Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: email@example.com @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105
Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.
The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year. All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2016.
Editorial Dearest citizens of Macalester College,
It is that time of the year again. No, it is not Turkish oil wrestling season, nor is it time for your annual
checkup (which you missed by over a month, by the way). It is not even time for another controversial and poorly argued op-ed in the Mac Weekly.
It is the time you have been anticipating for months. The time your dad told you about every night
The time when dreams become real.
It is the time when the Hegemonocle joins all of campus in saying goodbye to its archaic seniors and
hello to the bright future ahead.
We, Jamie Goodin and Austin Parsons, are part of that future. As the newly minted Editors-in-Chief
of this esteemed publication, we will lead the Hegemonocle into its most prodigious era yet. Absolutely colossal. Mondo.
We have dreamed of this moment for 3 years. As bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, 18-year-old, junior-varsity,
first-year Editor-in-Chief-wannabes, we imagined a world in which we could write Hegemonocle editorials with several consecutive hyphenated words in one sentence. A world in which we could do shit like that and no one could tell us no, because if they did we would fire them.
That world is now real. Our dreams are now real - and as leaders of this magazine, we will not rest
until your dreams become real as well.
We would not have made it here without Lydia Karlson. Her dedication to the Hegemonocle rivals
anyone’s dedication to anything at any point in history. Lydia, you have taught us well and we will not let you down.
And who but Tom Wakin could so skillfully alleviate the raucous commotion that is inevitably
conjured at every meeting? Sure, he may have usually been the one to instigate it, but we appreciate it all the same. Without you Tom, we might still be in CC 204 desperately trying to one-up each others’ jokes.
To our other departing seniors, we say thank you. Without you as members of Hege, the magazine
would have had fewer members.
And to you, Hegemonocle reader, we say welcome. Welcome to the future. We’re glad you’re here with
us. Sincerely Yours, Jamie Goodin ’17 Austin Parsons ’17
DARWIN’S THEORY OF NATURAL SELECTION CONFIRMED:
Macalester’s annual Springfest brings the Mac Groveland community together for four hours and provides it with a live show to be remembered. But it’s perhaps best known for the devastating intoxication of its attendees. Students regularly ingest cocktails of substances that no rational human being would agree to take if they thought about it for more than two seconds. A pair of biology seniors realized the untapped potential for scientific research sitting in their hands and took to the field to conduct a Darwinian behavioral study. Their results were conclusive: natural selection is very real. “Just after arriving at Shaw Field, we found a couple of ‘molly’d up’ students digging pitfalls because the drug made exhuming soil a euphoric experience,” said Christina Lambert ’16, one of the researchers. “We later found several students trapped in these holes, the loud music drowning out their cries for assistance. It suggests that these folks were certainly not filling any ecological niches.” As always, a student had to be transported to the nearest hospital due to a condition known as Advanced Dehydration - a classic case of a lack of adaptation to the surrounding environment said Tim Park ‘16, another researcher on the team. Park overheard the fascinating phone call from the student who called 911. “He started off quite responsibly, checking the terminally inebriated student’s vitals and communicating calmly with the emergency respondent. But as soon as he was told an ambulance would be coming, he started hounding the operator to replace the vehicle’s wheels with kegs of Miller High Life. We are still working out what to make of that one, but we felt that stepping in to help would’ve been bad science,” said Park. Students were dropping like flies by the time Thundercat took the stage. According to a draft of the paper written by the researchers, many were heard slurring “I’m so wavy right now” just before face planting into the ground. The researchers note that the resilient students who stayed conscious were likely able to do so due to significant advantages in their ability to maximize their rate of useful energy transformation. In other words, their body could quickly metabolize even the most heinous mixture of chemicals. “Their genetic algorithms are impressive,” Lambert said. “Their propensity to thrive in these kinds of abject circumstances really speak to the wonders of evolution. If Darwin were here and somehow not revolted by the behavior of the entire college, I bet he’d be smiling.”
Brian Rosenberg Spends Entire Endowment Terraforming Mars
ST. PAUL, MN--Last October, Macalester College received a gift of an additional three trillion dollars to its endowment from DeWitt Wallace’s estate. After countless board meetings and Dickensian misery, President Brian Rosenberg has decided to spend one hundred percent of it on terraforming Mars. “This whole ‘No Waste by 2020’ thing is cool, but isn’t everyone is doing that?” Rosenberg asked in a phone interview from his spacecraft, seemingly uninterested in an answer. “That’s why I have decided to deliberately modify Mars’s atmosphere, temperature, and topography to make it a habitable planet for Macalester students.” In order to show his commitment to the project, Rosenberg has led the charge and actually launched himself to the Red Planet. And he is adamant that he do it alone. “If this act of altruism doesn’t get people to stop asking me about my salary or misuse of funds, I don’t know what will,” Rosenberg said. “I’ve never really understood that line of questioning, but what I do know is that after three days on Mars, I am confident that I will be able to finish this project in my lifetime.” The project poses many logistical difficulties and, as per usual with Macalester events, has received skepticism from several minor news outlets. But Rosenberg insists that this is the natural evolution of the college’s place in the world. “Your business here is still to learn,” Rosenberg said. “It’s just that the ‘here’ will soon be the fourth planet from the sun.”
AREA MIDDLE SCHOOL JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS SHIT TODAY; CALLS IN SICK FROM STUDENTS TINYSOTA, MN–After waking up inexplicably horny and in an angsty haze, Westlake Middle School decided to fake being sick to avoid a long day of dealing with his pain in the ass students. Most days of the week, School wakes up, groans for five minutes, yells at his mom to get out of his room, thinks about masturbating, masturbates, and then finally slides into his black Quiksilver hoodie. However, today he was just so “done,” he didn’t even have the energy to groan. “I’m just over it,” said School while blasting “Wake Me Up Inside” by Evanescence from his P.A. system. “What do I even need to have kids in me for anyway? Do they all think they’re better than me or something? I’ve got way more drywall than them; none of them know shit about drywall.” On his day off, School says he plans on expressing himself, being himself, just being himself, and expressing who he is, amongst other forms of self expression. “You can’t make me be something I’m not, OK?” School exclaimed completely unprompted. When asked about his drop from a grade B building to a grade C building, School began to pull tighter on the drawstrings of his black zip up hoodie. “Those grades don’t matter, they don’t mean anything,” School ejaculated. “Do they think they can just define me with a letter? I’m so much more than that, I’m a fucking safe environment for student enrichment, inside and outside of the classroom!”
Giant Can of Natty Ice Discovered in Hole.
This photo details the dilapidated landscape of a once great Soviet Union. People would come from all around to gaze into this hole and its devastating deepness. Upon discovering the giant can, the populous came to worship it as a new deity. Natty Ice became the most imported beverage in all of Russia. Things were great for many moons. Until the slaughter. Photo by JKOH PHOTO
MURMANSK OBLAST, RUSSIA - This past Wednesday, scientists at the prestigious Russian branch of the Let’s Look In Some Holes Institute (LLISHI) completed their deepest survey yet. Granted permission to work with the Kola Superdeep Borehole, an old Soviet Union project, students were able to explore a really deep hole. Like, the deepest of holes. It’s super deep! What they discovered really threw them for a loop! At the bottom of the hole they found a giant can of Natty Ice. Their interests sparked, the students continued to survey the bottom of the hole. By Friday morning eleven other cans of similar size were uncovered. Gregory Ziglett, the project supervisor, stated that he believes the cans to be “some kind of ancient twelve-pack.” A few hours and extensive carbon dating later, Ziglett’s theory was proven to be correct, and it was discovered, that, as he put it, the cans had been there for a “long-ass time.” Today, the story has developed even furthered. A giant hand appeared out of the sky and took all twelve of the Natty Ices. Our reports tell us that a disembodied voice could then be heard echoing throughout the surrounding areas. Our on the scene report, Derny Ryan, says the voice seemed angry, saying, “What the hell guys!? I was trying to get those cold, and now you’ve shaken them all up? Not cool. Not cool. I’m definitely sending most of you to hell. Except for Alexei Popov, dude kills it at beer pong and I want him for my team.” There’s only speculation right now on what this phenomenon was, but the Hegemonocle is staying on the case.
Rejected “Environmentally-Friendly” Macalester Projects • • • • • • • • •
Compost toilets Replace hallway lights with lanterns Erect a second windmill Print more flyers that urge students to “Think before you print!” Ban all students from campus Paint every building green Burn trash to achieve “Zero-Waste by 2020” Expel you because you are literally human garbage Burn books and replace them with Kindles
• Erect a fourth windmill • Put up LCD TVs displaying the power usage of other LCD TVs • Adopt the endangered long-eared bat (Myotis septentrionalis) as new school mascot • Sell Brian Rosenberg’s 2015 Hummer H1 Alpha • Cut back on our “throw plastic into the Mississippi River” Founders Day tradition • Turn off lights in Weyerhaeuser at night *seriously, why are they always on
Off Campus Cookbook Café Mac foo
Step 1: Apple ! Step 2: Enjoy
Ingredients: 1 apple
Ingredients: Varies protip: see pa
Step 1: Sneak
step 2: Wor courage to fk up your ace the slop step 3: Enjoy !
protip: use a
Ramen Ingredients: 1 pinch expensive seasonings 1 handful finest pasta 1 cupful water from a mountain stream
Step 1: In a large cast iron pot over a roaring fire, heat water until it bubbles like the laughter of a happy child
step 3: Remove water, use for bath later
step 2: Delicately slide in the pasta, cook until tender like the heart of a young maiden
step 5: Light candles and hire a violin player for ambience
step 4: Season well for that gourmet effect
step 6: Enjoy!
K A E N S WAYS TO C A M É F INTO CA Detonate small explosive on Bateman Plaza Trojan horse Trojan squirrel Never leave Tunnel beneath cc Parachute from balcony Pretend to be with facilities, carry a lot of keys with you Wait until cashier beings marathon of Star Trek: The Next Generation Seduce cashier Gather a team of 11 skilled accomplices, over next few weeks create elaborate plan to rob casino vault, rob casino vault, realize you don’t need Café Mac, all you want is your wife back Ask nicely Climb through the grille Steal ID of a first year, kill them, get facial reconstruction to look like them, live their life, you disappear mysteriously, parents never know what happens to you, you can never reveal your secret until your death bed Take a job as a food service specialist and dismantle the system from the inside. Feast on the remains.
MCSG Members Found to be Embezzling Org Money Recently, The Hegemonocle went undercover to investigate the origins of the 20% base cut to all approved student organization budgets, only to discover that some MCSG members have been embezzling thousands of dollars for their own personal exploits. Your trusty Hegemonocle Watch-Hogs discovered that $14,000 of student activity fee funds has been spent on ornate, full-length mirrors so that MCSG representatives could admire their glorious administrative forms. These representatives have also used funds cut from student organization budgets to buy personal tape recorders and state of the art sound systems allowing representatives to hear the auditory perfection of their own voices going through legislative procedure at all hours. “You know, confidence is part of being a good leader,” said first year representative Joey Bard ’19, while stroking his pectorals and making sensual eye contact with his own reflection in a gold-framed trumeau mirror. “MCSG thought that it was in the best interest of the students to foster self-esteem in their government. Unf, you sexy beast, I move to vote that you are the most devilishly handsome person on this campus. The ayes have it!” The various Checkbook-related budget cuts were also allegedly to be used to buy funnels that would allow MCSG members to indulge in the smells of their own farts. However, many appeals to these cuts have were successful, much to the chagrin of various representatives and committee chairs. Many org leaders around campus have been in an uproar in light of these budget cuts. “This is a complete abuse of the system,” said August Blake ’17, leader of Macalester’s Panini Press Awareness Org. “Who is MCSG to say that we can’t have $6000 dollars for a Belgian chocolate slip-n-slide? They also cut the money for our Cognac progressive. This is fucking tyranny.”
Hello students, I wanted to call your attention to a string of new spam e-mails which have been trashing the Macalester servers recently. We have sent along a few scam and real e-mails for you to quiz yourself on to make sure you are up to date on all the latest trends: REAL: Hello fellow student i am look 4 house can i sublet w/ u i am cleanish Increase your tail length and your GPA with this miracle pill!!1! Hey it’s David Sisk and I need all your passwords Make up to $500 a week by pretending to be my pet cat (auditions this Monday) SCAM: Please turn in your midterm essay, it’s almost May PACKAGE PICKUP REMINDER [Dailypiper-l] The Daily Piper for Friday, April 29, 2016 Please Take my Psych Survey so I Can Graduate! Be sure to stay alert for these dangerous e-mails that you may get, and remember: ITS staff will ALMOST NEVER ask for your password via email! David Sisk
ya know, when you break up a big word to make two smaller words. it’s the opposite of how babies are made. Scarface - scarf ace
Catastrophe - cat as trophe
Nowhere - now here
Repairman - rep airman
Artscraps - arts craps
Notebook - not e-book
Important - import ant
Weeknight - wee knight
Appointment - app ointment
Budget - bud get
Carpet - car pet
Hispanic - his panic
Moah Nondschein An hour ago
Mill “MILF” Wilch April 4 at 2:00pm
Mill “MILF” Wilch April 20 at 4:20pm
Mill “MILF” Wilch Yesterday at 9:00am
Mill “MILF” Wilch 5 minutes ago
found on free & for sale
Today at 4:20pm
Yesterday at 4:00am
Oanny Dchoa 2 minutes ago
Carah Soleman 1 minute ago
Bvy Iardaglio Just Now
HAMMER Look, I’ve hammered a lot of jacks and I’ve jacked a lot of hammers. I’ve been around the block, and when I was done I stuck a jackhammer in that block and hammered until there wasn’t jack left in sight. People have thrown obstacles in my way, and sure, some of them slowed me down, but when you get down to it any jack can be hammered if you just buckle down and really jack from your soul. Now sometimes you may want to quit, you may feel like your hammer has gone limp and the jack is all shriveled up, but that’s when you’ve gotta jack the hardest. A lot of people ask me, “But François, sometimes I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I’ve been drilling into it with a jackhammer for like, maybe 4, 5 hours. Does it really make sense to keep jacking my hammer into a hole I can’t even see into?” And every time I ask them the same thing: “Do you want this?” How hard are you willing to work to hammer that perfect jack, to jack so much hammer that you get blisters on your jacks and blood on your hammers? You may want to let someone else jack your hammer and take the easy way out, but let me tell you, it’s never as good. When you take care of your own jack and your own hammer, keep it lubricated, keep it sturdy, that’s when you really know you’ve made it. When you hammer that jack straight into the concrete and hit a water main and it bursts all over you and the awestruck half-naked construction workers watching on, it’ll be the best feeling you’ve ever felt. Wait, fuck, what was I talking about? No, sorry, I don’t know what time it is. Who even asks that anymore? 14
COMMONLY MISHEARD SONG LYRICS
1. Hey Jude - The Beatles -Incorrect Lyrics: “Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better.” -Correct Lyrics: “Hey Jude, don’t give me the bees. I suffer from hyperglycemia.”
2. Started From the Bottom - Drake -Incorrect Lyrics: “Started from the bottom now we’re here.” -Correct Lyrics: “Started from the bottom now my party of four is in the VIP line at Splash Mountain.” 3. Anaconda - Nicki Minaj -Incorrect Lyrics: “My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.” -Correct Lyrics: “Help, my anaconda, thinking they were tapirs, swallowed seventeen light bulbs and has been hospitalized with mercury poisoning.”
4. Timber - Pitbull (feat. Ke$ha) -Incorrect Lyrics: “It’s going down, I’m yelling timber. You better move, you better dance.” -Correct Lyrics: “It’s going down! Do you hear me!? It’s finally going down! My father waited his whole life for it to go down, and his father before him, and his father before him. At last, it is down and our family is free from the curse. May my ancestors rest in peace knowing that, praise be, it is down.” 5. Creep - Radiohead -Incorrect Lyrics: “I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo, what the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.” -Correct Lyrics: “I’m tired of ad-creep, I simply will not tolerate it, it’s detrimental to our contemporary media landscape.”
6. It Wasn’t Me - Shaggy -Incorrect Lyrics: It wasn’t me. -Correct Lyrics: It was me. My bad. 7. Come on Eileen - Dexy’s Midnight Runners -Incorrect Lyrics: “Come on Eileen, oh I swear what he means, at this moment, you mean everything.” -Correct Lyrics: “Come on Eileen, you’re slowing us down, if we don’t get there by six we’ll never get a table. This is so fucking typical of you, get your shit together, Eileen.”
8. Mr. Roboto - Styx -Incorrect Lyrics: “Domo arigato Mr. Roboto.” -Correct Lyrics: “落語は今から三百年以上前の江戸時代に始まりました。この 時 代にた くさんの人の前でおもしろい話をして、お金をもらう人がいま した。このおもしろい話 を落語と言い、落語をする人を落語家と言いま す。落語家は一人でいろいろな声や身ぶ りを使って、おもしろい話をし ます。今でも落語はとても人気があります。” 9. Nothin’ But a G Thang - Dr. Dre -Incorrect Lyrics: "Never let me slip 'cause if I slip, then I'm slippin'." -Correct Lyrics: "Never let me slip 'cause if I slip, then I'm slippin'."
HOW TO WORKOUT Learning from the Pros
1 Find a time to go to the LC when the sports teams won’t be grunting in unison as you wheeze and groan over that stitch in your side entire body. 2 Wear your fancy new workout clothes and those tennis shoes that were labeled as “totes prime for cross training and glute stimulation,” whatever that means. Feel overdressed in comparison to all the people who are only wearing a tattered t-shirt and sweats because they’re not here for fashion, they’re here for gainz. Then feel underdressed in comparison to the people who are wearing color-coordinated spandex outfits that come in a set and advertise their sweat wicking capabilities. Great, now you’re gonna be the only person there who’s sweaty and gainz-less. 3 Freeze. Immediately regret this decision. Consider how easy it would be to just turn around and tell people you forgot your water bottle in your other gym bag and then don’t come back. Aw, fuck! You brought your water bottle with! That’s a no-go. You’re trapped like an easily-winded rat. 4 Try to walk casually over to the weight racks and appear like you know what you’re doing. You will probably forget how walking normally looks. No, you’re swinging your arms too much. Move your knees, idiot, what is this, marching band? No, too much knees now. You’ve ruined it. Oh well, you’re at the weight rack. 5 Pick stuff up! Put it back down! Now pick it up again! Put it down now! Now you should do this until you can’t bear it anymore. Three poorly executed reps will probably be your limit. Look at your flushed, sweaty complexion in the mirror and experience first- and second-hand embarrassment for yourself. 16 16
6 Go over to one of those machines. Do you know how it works? Hell no you don’t. But there are two diagrams of a beefy lookin’ guy on the side showing you how you’re supposed to manage this thing without fucking up your entire skeletal structure beyond repair. Google how you would use this thing using a vague description of the machine because you do not know what it is called. Scroll until you find a picture of the machine in question, or at least you think that’s it? Find the same two static images of the same guy, but this time sections of his muscular system are colored red and they’re labeled. What are those parts? Do you have those? Hell if you know. Wait, biceps, you know those things. Time to get ripped in the areas highlighted by the diagram. 7 Begin to use your muscles, then realize that the weight is set much too high for your baby hummingbirdlike physique. Set the weight to the third lowest setting and try again. Oh nope that’s too much still. Set it to the lowest weight. 8 Get off that machine now, feeling what you think is maybe the beginning of buffness acquisition. Now go over to the treadmills. You know what the treadmills are from all those hilarious videos you’ve seen of people trying to run on them at the highest speed and then tripping and flying off. Get on and set it at a steady walking pace. Walk a little bit and realize that you’ve probably been walking wrong your whole life. Set it at a casual jog. You’re jogging! Good job. Oh, wait, no, now you’re wheezing. You take your headphones out because you need to be able to gauge how loud your raspy panting is because you’re concerned people will think you’re having a medical emergency if you don’t keep it in check. 9 Feel like your respiratory system is on fire. Oh god, your throat mucus is thickening. This is just like the mile run in middle school all over again. You try to hack up some of your throat mucus but you’re gasping inward for air at the same time and you start to choke on aforementioned mucus. Get off the treadmill and suddenly realize through the tears streaming down your face from the intense coughing fit that your knees feel awful. 10 Overhear somebody behind you mention to his buddy that “Cardio kills your pump, bro”. Ah shit! Your pump! You wonder what a pump is while cursing your naiveté. Decide you’ve had enough gym for the day and go home. 11 Feel proud. Toss your workout gear in the hamper and take a shower, relishing the endorphins that you will completely forget about when you wake up the next morning and feel like you have been thoroughly run over by a bus full of other busses. Think about what kind of exercises you’ll do tomorrow.
12 Take 28 rest days in a row. Repeat from step 1.
A comprehensive analysis of the similarities and differences between people who menstruate and werewolves 1. Something happens to each group once a month 2. They can get angry and/or hungry during that time 3. Neither was born experiencing their symptoms 4. Both would probably die if shot with a silver bullet
Don’t fall in love with me. I will use dark magic to turn every outlet in your house upside down, and it’ll be confusing at first, but eventually you’ll get used to it and you won’t even mind. But then you’ll go to a party at a home that is not your own, and they’ll ask you to plug in the speakers and you will be confused and initially position the plug the wrong way. You will be embarrassed. Don’t fall in love with me. 1818
Hot New Subreddits:
r/helpimdyingofheatexhaustinon Not the liveliest new subreddit, but very popular with the growing community of those currently dying of heat exhaustion.
r/forresttrump The only subreddit for fans of Forrest Gump, Donald Trump crossover fanfiction. Forrest Trump runs for president, then wins but just keeps running, prompting his confused staffers to appoint VP Lt. Ivanka Dan to the presidency. Forrest also bankrupts a shrimp company after borrowing 200 million dollars from his parents.
r/isthisdogdeadorjustreallyold A subreddit designed to answer the age old question: hey, is that old dog sitting next to its equally old owner dead, or just extremely old? A favorite amongst dog lovers and dog haters alike.
r/flags Just flags.
r/paulblartmallcopchangedmylife This subreddit provides a platform for all those touched by the performance of Kevin James in the first Paul Blart Mall Cop film to share their experiences and form a community. It’s mostly dick pics though.
r/thatsnotyourfather People post pictures of themselves along with older men and receive free, completely unfounded paternity tests from lonely strangers. He’s never their father.
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WHY BAGELS ARE GREAT Good source of carbs
Becomes deadly blunt instrument when stale
Can be sweet or savory
Spongy texture soaks up tears
Acceptable to eat any time of day
More exciting than bread, less intense than doughnut
Gives cream cheese a reason to exist
Can be enjoyed plain or with an assortment of toppings
You can tear it in two and use half as a pretend phone
Your cousin said it was a good representation of what a vagina
Impromptu hockey puck
actually looked and felt like
My Speed Dating Notes 1. Make eye contact, just like your mother told you to, albeit not so aggressively. a. Maintain eye contact even though she looks uncomfortable. i. Keep maintaining eye contact until you feel weird about it. 2. Look down at your lap for the remaining two minutes. a. Ignore her when she asks if you are okay, all while wishing you were back at your mom’s place. b. Keep looking down even when the bell rings. 3. Don’t get up until the man leading the event comes over and tells you that you have to move over to the next table. a. Fantasize about fighting this man who came over and had the gall to tell you what to do. i. Just get up and do what he says. 4. While moving over to the next table trip over your own shoelaces. a. When rushing to the ground think about how your mom told you this would happen if you left your shoes untied. b. Hit the ground. Hard. 5. Try not to cry. a. Try not to cry. i. I swear, if you cry 1. Cry a lot. 6. Before getting up, wipe the tears off your face. That way no one will know that you were crying. 7. Repeat, “I’ve got this,” to yourself under your breath. 8. Finally, make your way over to the next table. 9. Try to ignore the stares. a. You can do this. i. You’ve got this. 1. Oh no, everybody’s looking at you. 10. Stare at your lap for the full five minutes this time. a. But the next table will be different, you’re sure of it.
11. Stand straight up as soon as the bell rings. 12. Rush over to the next table. 13. Engage in pleasant conversation, like the kind in all those dramas you watch. 14. She will ask you what you do for work. Lie. a. Tell her one of the following: i. You are a businessman. ii. You are an owner of a small business. iii. You are a superhero. 1. Actually, not this one. iv. You are an engineer. b. Under no circumstances can you let her know what you are currently unemployed. i. Or that you live at your mom’s house. 15. Lie even more when she asks what a day on the job is like. 16. Realize you’re in too deep and just answer everything with a lie. 17. Feel the weight of all of your lies pushing down on you. 18. Feel sick. 19. Sprint to the bathroom. a. Thankfully you ran track in high school. 20. Throw up in the toilet. a. You don’t remember eating that much peanut butter. 21. Try not to cry. a. Try not to cry. i. I swear, if you cry 1. Cry a lot. 22. Call your mom on the phone and ask to be picked up. 23. Go home and take a nap. 24. Repeat this next week.
WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE?: Yelling Russian into the Void
Political Science THE RISE-ENBERG OF ROSENBERG: Macalester’s shift towards an authoritarian regime
GO GREEN: How loudly one needs to yell at someone to get them to use fewer paper towels in public restrooms
THE ART OF TITLES
NAH, HAGUE IS FOR SHUUUUR THIS WAY: The art of making maps while drunk
THAT’S DEFINITLY MOLD: A multicultural analysis of the origins of what is in my fridge
English Literature THE ART OF TITLES: An investigation of self-referentiality
SNIFF SNIFF: Social effects of smelling your hand in public and then looking concerned but intrigued
PORTRAITS OF POWER: From Plato to Palpatine
SORRY TO REMIND YOU: The Calculus of your student debt
“WHY DON’T YOU CALL MORE OFTEN”: Neurological patterns of being 22 guilted by grandma
YOU CAN REPLY ALL TO THE DAILY PIPER!: Crashing and fixing Macalester’s servers
TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE: A modernist novella chronicling the struggle between needing to urinate and staying in bed
Signatures g a Give your do ! ;) kiss from me
G re et i n g
. S . G . A H.
s f ro m M
Most likely to have Milch on her couch every night
Most likely to drop out of college to become a clown
Most likely to start an org after running out of orgs to join
Most likely to buy a used Honda Accord
Most likely to have a name that’s also a plant
Most likely to intimidate you while wearing jean shorts
Most likely to end up on a no-fly list
Most likely to be in a video with his grandmother and hate it
Most likely to show up blazed to all meetings
Most likely to start a yarn buisness
Most likely to be a gecko farmer
Most likely to fall asleep on Lydia’s couch every night