The Hegemonocle Volume 13, Issue 2
$5.00 - Resale for more than original price is highly unethical
HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 13, Issue 2 Fall 2015 The Poster Issue
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Lydia Karlson ’16 Tom Wakin ’16
EDITORIAL Associate Editor Austin Parsons ’17 Head Writer Jamie Goodin ’17
DESIGN Head of Production Ivy Bardaglio ’16
STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Spencer Carter ’16 Anthony Granai ’16 Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Mo Usavage ’16 Declan Cummings ’17 Ellie Fuqua ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17
Natalie Kronebusch ’17 Eli Lilleskov ’17 Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Sarah Coleman ’18 Kate Garrett ’18 Sean McDonald ’18 Noah Mondschein ’18 Danny Ochoa ’18
Thali Zikos ’18 Elizabeth Goldstein ’19 Will Milch ’19 Elena Santarella ’19 Valerie Stenerson ’19 On Sabbatical Myles Ambrose ’17 Marissa Heim ’17
SHOUT OUTS Riff Raff (for that Twitter follow) Chanter (for their most recent Chant) Tubbs (for that tasty fish jerky) B.L.L. (for making another appearance in CC 214) GILFs (ayy) Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: firstname.lastname@example.org @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105
Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.
The Hegemonocle is published four times per academic year. All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2015.
Editorial Hello! Welcome to the final issue of the year. We have spent hours working on this edition at the expense of our academic standings, romantic relationships and overall well-being. We have also spent hours studying, and by studying, we mean smoking cigarettes, masturbating, and online shopping for shoes, and by shoes, we mean pale, pink ballet flats. That’s how low we’ve sunk. The screens and pages, keyboards and pencils, red and grey bricks of Marvin Plaza have rendered us lifeless. We hope that this issue, replete with better, more intentional jokes than any other publication on campus, will do the opposite to you. We hope you balloon with life! Swell and swell, each individual seam of your body strains to contain the life Hege has brought. Oh god, it feels so good! Soon you start to quiver, tremble, shake……….. until you EXPLODE! Human guts splatter the red and grey bricks. Onlookers onlook in horror and amazement, but mostly horror. This is not what they expected to see on their way to lunch. Breakfast, maybe. But never lunch. They’ll stop and look aghast. Immobile, complete in their aforementioned horror. Then, they’ll hear another boom echo over Shaw Field. And another. And another. Hark! What is that they see? Oh, happy day! Oh, joyous occasion! A haze of purple smoke appears in the spot of explosion for the first reader. It fades. There stands the very reader! Covered in an unidentifiable slime and a significant amount of glitter, hedgehog needles poking from their hair. Their eyes are glowing and their skin is soft. Oh, so soft. We all know it’s true. The Hege has restorative properties. We also know how you feel this part of the year. If you’re having a tough time with finals, we hope this Hege fills you with ever-expanding life. Enjoy. Now. :-B - Lydia Karlson and Tom Wakin The Macalester Hegemonocle December 2015 P.S. The cover is a poster! Feel free to remove it, put it on your wall, gaze lovingly at it, masturbate to it or what have you.
: S W E N G N I THE HEGE WEEKLY K A E R B ONE-FOURTH OF MACALESTER STUDENT BODY FUSED TOGETHER AT WINTER BALL
Confirming rumors reported last Friday, administrators have stated that approximately one-fourth of the Macalester student body fused together in a tragic accident at this year’s Winter Ball. Witnesses say that the incident occurred at approximately 10:25 pm on Saturday, November 21st in the Capital Concourse room at the Minnesota History Center. “I was just standing by the staircase drinking cucumber water when I looked over at the dance floor,” said junior Sarah Goldman. “At first I just thought everyone was super sweaty or something, but then I realized that they had actually, like, melded together!” The mass of human flesh proceeded to gyrate on the floor before slowly oozing down four flights of stairs, absorbing more bystanders as it lurched. After upsetting a display on the Minnesotan fur trade, the blob attempted to board a school bus back to campus. First-year Josh Lutz was shocked when his roommate Simon Corkery sexiled him by bringing not one, but 250 people back to their room in Dupre. Professor Gerald McClugen of the Chemistry department at Macalester explained that the phenomenon was likely the result of a dangerous and near-lethal combination of different substances.
F I R R
! G N I Y
“We’ve realized that a high blood-alcohol content produces large amounts of methylcarbinol in bodily tissues. If combined with highly concentrated levels of adrenaline and desperation, and then exposed to friction, the resulting biochemical structure is capable of fusing human flesh.”
NG I S U O AR
Student EMTs who reported to the scene eventually managed to dissolve the mass using several gallons of Pedialyte and a liberal dose of reality. Students emerged from the glob still sexually frustrated but now dangerously dehydrated. When asked for comment, an official at the Minnesota History Center stated the organization was “so thrilled” to have signed a five-year venue contract with Macalester.
OPINIONS Letter to the editors from a millipede Hi Guys, I’m a millipede; wow I’ve got a lot of legs. I really love The Hegemonocle, almost as much as I love digesting dead or decaying plant matter. Yum! Do you think you could write more articles about scuttling, or having two pairs of jointed legs on most body segments? If you did that, it’d be even better than having a third pair of spiracles located ventrally on each body segment near the base of my legs, and having two is already pretty great! Holy guacamole, what am I supposed to do with all these legs? I don’t even know how many I have. Do you think the theme of the next issue could be slow moving detritivores? That would really stimulate my tufts of detachable bristles. Also, I love HBO’s 2002 television series The Wire ; it’s my favorite show, and I would love to read some content about that too. Anyway, have a nice day; I’m going to curl into a tight coil and try not to be preyed upon by various reptiles, amphibians, birds, mammals, and insects. Jeezus, I have so many legs. Sincerely, A friendly diplopod
Things I'd Rather do
Than Sign Your Petition
• Say something with racist undertones1 • Let out a fart on the fourth floor of the library during finals2 • Drink Cafe Mac coffee3 • Lick the floor4 • Drink lukewarm Hamm’s in that guy’s basement5 • Take a Chipotle shit6
• • • • •
At an MPIRG meeting 2 Loud, Dry, Raspy. It smells good to you, but could kill a kitten 3 On an empty stomach 4 At Plum’s 5 My RA sort of knows him and I think he’s on that team that won a game once 6 On Doty 5 [extra spicy]
Ring the bell7 Go to Winter Ball8 Watch Zombeavers™ with my FYC9 Meet my weed dealer10 Watch Anime porn in the Chapel with no headphones11 • Read The Mac Weekly12 • Sport Alone Sober 9 They’re a bunch of fucking chodes 10 In the 30 Mac lounge 11 We have a Chapel? 12 Ok, this one is a joke 8
= b u l C g n i t u O
! s e i n o h P g Bi
The Macalester Outing Club is known for their sex and opium fueled escapades into the wild, wild wilderness. Students set out on their trips weak-willed with poor bone structure and return with 2.5 more ruggedness, soaked from cranium to phalange in a sleek, luminous liquid. However, it turns out all this is complete horseshit. “Yeah we just set up a bunch of tents on the median,” club president Bear Roasts said. “I’ve actually never left the Macalester-Groveland area. What’s it like out there? I bet it’s nice.” Roasts assured us that you don’t have to go far to get a healthy serving of the outdoors. Students who go on their trips get to observe all kinds of median wildlife, from the startled first-year coughing up smoke, to the elderly jogger who looks like he’s running but is actually moving slower than if he just walked. Some of the Outing Club’s most popular trip activities include, and in all likelihood are limited to: craning your neck to watch the TV in the Dupre formal lounge, suggesting everyone goes to the river and coming to the conclusion that it’s too far, hearing people in Wallace having more fun than you, talking about other times you’ve been to the median, sitting on the median, standing up because you got mud on your ass, and sitting back down because your legs are tired and fuck it, you already have mud on your ass. Attending their trips will cost you $1, which is used to buy Pop-Tarts from the vending machine in Dupre. They will be roasted over a tastefully rustic fire, which has been known to crackle and make the air rich with the music of nature, making you almost forget that you are in a residential area of St. Paul. Scary stories will be told but if your story is too spooky, you will literally be thrown back to campus. Seriously it’s like 5 feet away, it’s barely an inconvenience. To maintain the illusion of ruggedness, all students will be required to sweat. Ticks with Lyme disease will be provided for you, but bringing your own from home is encouraged.
In light of this news leaking, the Outing Club has decided to change their name to the Outish Club, as they feel this better reflects their actual aspirations.
Book Report From a 5-Year-Old Who Hasn’t Learned About Death hey mr. isaac fig newton, why are you such a lazy bones? i know you invented the gravity, but now you don’t do anything. make some more gravities, sir. and mr. abe LinkedIn, why haven’t you beaten more of the souths? there are so many: south america, south dakota, the south playground, and you haven’t beaten any of them. come on mr. ableham linksys, get your big ol’ hat and beat the souths. big hat lazy bones. hey mr. elvis parsley, just poop already. i’m 5 and ¾ and i poop all the time. even big lazybones poop. poop, sir. sir, poop. mr.shakesbeer, why don’t you write the plays anymore? they were good, i liked them. i liked the ones where they all went to sleep. like romeo and juliet. wow, what a production. write more plays, lazybones. hey mom and dad, why are you still playing hide and seek? i can’t find you. i’m hungry. Venmo Transactions on the day of December 11th 2015:
Sorry. We at Buffalo Wild Wings would like to express our deepest apologies for the events that unfolded last Thursday. When we implemented Boneless Thursdays, our intentions were to sell boneless wings to our customers, NOT to remove the bones of everyone within a 10-mile radius of our restaurant. Again, we would like to reiterate, we did NOT want to remove your bones, and we’re very sorry. After investigating the matter further, we have learned that the wizard who teleports the bones in our wings to the Netherrealm every Thursday morning, did not, in fact, do that last week. After learning that his wife was an alchemist (commonly referred to in the wizard community as a “gold digger”), Ziggleback the Resourceful found himself in a black magic induced stupor. In his lustful rage, he stumbled into his bathroom and conjured all over the floor, the walls, and his new robe. When we found him Thursday morning, his entire castle smelled like spoiled potion and there was magic strewn all over the place. Unfortunately we arrived too late, and he had cast a bone removal spell on the entire Macalester-Groveland area. Ziggy has since apologized for his actions and checked himself into magic rehab. If you are a resident of the Mac-Groveland area, your bones have been recovered, and they will be returned to you on Bone-In Tuesday. As an additional token of our apology, we will be giving everyone an extra bone. We appreciate your patience. While you wait for your bones, here are some other days at Buffalo Wild Wings you can check out:
(Just the Bone)
Wow It’s Wednesday Wednesdays
Closed Sunday Sundays
Pterodactyl Coming Right At You Fridays
Only Salt Saturdays
(We Aren’t Closed, Sorry If That’s Confusing)
Salads That Are Better Than You Caesar Salad What other salad can claim to have founded the Roman Republic? Sure, it illegally seized power and ruled with an iron fist, but can you say you’re perfect? Potato Salad Everyone brings potato salad to parties, but they never bring you.
Pasta Salad Pasta feeds billions of college students who would otherwise go hungry each year! What do you do? Manage 4 classes and a work study? Oh yeah, nice. Undressed Salad Looks better than you naked.
Fruit Salad When someone encounters fruit salad, they enjoy it (or at least try to enjoy it). People just try not to encounter you at all. Garden Salad Shit, what can I say? We all know garden salad. I think it’s pretty obvious why garden salad is better than you. Seven Layer Salad Thanks to its diverse, multi-leveled structure, it’s more emotionally complex than you. Tuna Salad I once saw a tuna salad pull a 3 year old boy and his cat out of a burning building. What have you done? Who have you saved? Cobb Salad With their signature excess of ingredients, we admit that cobb salads can be a lot to handle. Unlike you, though, they’re never way too fucking much to handle. Egg Salad At least when egg salad is covered in mayo, it’s for a reason.
QUIZ!!! Your new instagram handle based on your birthday
hegemonocle take my quiz!!!!!!! #followforfollow #instagood #instalikes #blessed 12
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l a i t n e d i s e r P s e t a d i d n Ca 13
Hillary Clinton Your meal with The Trump consists of the biggest, greatest, most powerful buffet you have ever witnessed, full of filet mignon and 50lb lobster. Everything, and I mean everything, is colored gold. Trump reminds you how lucky you are to eat with him, describing to you how journalists literally wait in cages for the chance to interview him. He then asks you — with barely concealed desperation — what you think of his hair, before literal diarrhea starts dribbling down his lips. You realize, with
Your meal with Hillary Clinton is immaculate. Every aspect of it is perfectly prepared. You are fed a cheeseburger so American you swear it was made of eagle meat, cooked over fireworks soaked in George Washington’s freedom gumbo. Hillary Clinton, too, is the perfect dinner companion. She makes the appropriate amount of eye contact. She laughs heartily at the one joke you make, and you laugh at the three she makes. Your conversation has exactly four, all too human silences (no astonishment, that all the luxurious food you have been shoving down your gullet is made from actual goat shit. “That explains a lot,” you think to yourself. If you play all your cards right you will accompany him to the next room where you’ll have the honor of participating in a threesome consisting of yourself, Donald Trump, and his daughter, Ivanka Trump. Well, participate is a little strong. You will get to watch them hump furiously, and you can masturbate to them if you're into that sort of thing.
Sand, sand is everywhere, extending out in all directions. But Dr. Benjamin Carson is nowhere to be seen. You don’t know what’s wrong; you followed all his instructions. You passed the valley of Josaphat, turned right at the giant grain silos, dug straight down three feet, came out on the other end of the world and then walked 300 paces Weast. You even brought a radio with you so you two could listen to some sweet tunes! So where the fuck is he? Suddenly, a three-headed grizzly bear comes out of nowhere and tries to maul you! You scream in desperation, and Dr. Carson jumps out of your mouth! You had the good doctor inside you all along! Dr. Carson squints his eyes to their fullest capacity and blasts the hellish beast back with his telepathy! Tubular! You change the channel on the radio to set the ambiance for your date, and Dr. Carson very noticeably does NOT attempt to stab you with the switchblade he happened to be holding — which you find a little suspicious, but whatever. Then you awake in your bed, lying in a pool of cold urine. Dr. Carson lies next to you, gurgling half-formed words from the beyond.
more, no less). She regales you with appropriately constructed sentences. And of course, she chews each bite of food 6 times. However, you do not see her swallow it. Any of it. Even when she takes a sip of water you never see her neck muscles contract even the slightest. At first you brush this off. But you begin to wonder, is she spitting it out? No, no, you would have noticed. But then where is the food going? It can’t all be in her mouth, so where? Where? Where is the food going!?
Jeb Bush calls you Saturday night to remind you that you promised to go to his Sunday-Funday, post-church brunch. You clicked “maybe” to the invite a week ago, and 10 minutes later he sent you an email saying how excited he was and how much fun it would be. You frantically send a text to all your Republican friends1 to see if anyone wants to go with you. You need someone to talk to Jeb for you, but no one is responding. You wonder if he’ll buy the whole “grandma just died” schtick because there is just no way in heck you’re going to that brunch.
I don’t know shit about this guy, and neither do you. You and Martin will probably go out for Baltimore food, whatever the fuck that is.2
Let’s be honest: this is the one you were really excited for. You and Bernie go to a local Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day, and you ogle him shamelessly while he tells you about income inequality. You’re definitely feeling the Bern somewhere, if you know what I mean ;). You’ll fantasize the whole time about brushing back that cute little wisp of snow
white hair behind his ear and running the tip of your tongue up and down the length of his straighttalking neck. You wait for him to ask you back to his place to “fight for universal higher education and chill” but he doesn't because he is a HAPPILY MARRIED MAN so FUCK OFF. Bernie and Jane are PERFECT for each other, how DARE you try to come between them.
Here you are at Marco Rubio’s barbeque, wearing a hat and really big sunglasses in case that creep Jeb drives by. Ever since you ditched his brunch he’s been sending you passive aggressive emails and “bumping into you” all over town. Not that Rubio’s any better though. The dude drinks so much water you’d think he was trying to drown a tape worm, plus he’s an even bigger asshole than you had expected; he keeps referring to the women at the BBQ as “baby makers.”
Carly Fiorina 1 2
lol Editor’s note: It’s crabs.
You're not super enthusiastic about this breakfast date with Ted Cruz. You’ve heard he talks for hours, and seriously doesn’t know how to take a hint. It doesn’t take you too long to realize something is seriously off. He keeps throwing his utensils on the floor, making the exasperated waiters retrieve them every couple minutes. Then he absolutely refuses to eat his spinach omelette. Ugh and now he’s demanding that you read him a story, but of course none of the ones you have will do. He starts getting red in the face, lets out a wail, and then cries for the next 2 hours straight as you try in vain to comfort him. The date ends when his mommy comes over and asks you for help changing his diaper. After standing outside the closed Red Lobster for about 15 minutes you get a phone call from Carly Fiorina. “Where are you?” she asks. “I’m outside, but all the lights are off and and nobody’s inside.” “Don’t worry about any of that, the door is unlocked, just come in.” She hangs up. You carefully enter and see no customers nor waiters. It’s completely black…but wait, what's that? All the way at the back of the restaurant a single light flickers above a booth where Carly Fiorina is sitting. You hurry over. You sit down and are immediately taken aback by the
Ted Cruz strong smell of formaldehyde. There is a mysterious platter covered by a silver dome. “Prolife or pro-choice?” she demands. “Pr-Pro Choice?” “Then eat it! Eat the Fetus! If you can kill it you can eat it!” In a sweeping motion she lifts the silver dome to reveal a raw chicken with a frowny face drawn on it in Sharpie. “Is this a joke? Where do you get your facts?” A battle to the death ensues, ending when the sun rises and Carly Fiorina lets out an unearthly scream before turning to ash. The battle will be repeated every night until the prophecy is fulfilled.
Dinner Dates with Presidential Candidates 15
Names your old friends from high school have chosen for their Soundcloud personas: • • • • • • • •
Smallie Bigs Questionable Quaker Oats Oatmeal Buffalo Mild Wings MC Acceptable Weak Ankles Inc. DJ Flosses Daily Cloudy Benz Used Chevy Impala
• • • • • • • • •
Lil Nicki Minaj Medium Nicki Minaj Kid IceBerg Twinkie Tha God Nos4atu Best Taco D!p Yung Kush Kush of an Undetermined Age Gurl $cout
Cloudy Benz St. Louis
Throw a fun and memorable party All it really takes is a good piñata. Okay, okay... I know. All you responsible parents are thinking, but what about all the calories? All the sugar? Hey now, you CAN make it healthy and interesting. Try 2% milk. Or perhaps some home cooked oatmeal with a sprinkling of raisins. Both are simple alternatives to the highly toxic candy piñata. Plus you won’t have to worry about your little Jimmy being concussed by a jumbo Snickers bar. If you are still worried about something going awry, as it often does when children swing blindly at piñatas, feel free to incorporate straws as an alternative extraction method. Your kids will be thrilled as they stab the piñata with their plastic straws and experience a lukewarm gush of low-fat milk straight to the face. Please, don’t go. We are also including a 20% off raincoat to protect your children from unwanted piñata fluids. Choice of blue or red. No really folks, please buy this thing! We will add in a complimentary party uncle, complete with 12 puns and 1 racist joke. And a cake? How does a cake sound? A yummy cake for all your little munchkins!
Couple breaks up due to intestinal discomfort Zachary Morris ’18 and Annabeth Fischer ’18 have called it quits after a month of dating. The culprit? Neither wants the other to know that they, in fact, pass gas and regularly defecate. In an interview, Morris stated, “I just couldn’t do it anymore. When we first started going out, she gave me butterflies in my stomach. But then we spent so much time together. Now I just have butterflies in my rectum.” Morris said that he enjoyed spending time with Fischer, but the need to silence his “butt trumpet” in front of her led to extreme discomfort for hours at a time. “He’d come back from chillin’ with Annabeth,” said Bill Washburn ’18, Morris’s roommate, “and just let loose the chemical weapon that had been brewing inside him. I told him to either start playing the ol’ patoot flute in front of her, or dump her.” Morris chose the latter. In an interview with a sickly looking Fischer, she began to answer that she was “sad, but rather grateful because--” before she passed out. Upon being taken to the hospital, it was discovered that Fischer had been suffering from a fecal impaction of the colon, known in today’s youth culture as a “shithole drumroll.” “It looked like she hadn’t defecated in about a month,” said her practitioner Dr. Flora Sherman. “I swear, I didn’t spend years getting my M.D. just so I could tell a bunch of kids that they have to shit more.” Both Fischer and Morris are making physical and emotional recoveries and hope that their peers learn from their experience. The Health and Wellness Center will also be implementing a new informational segment in fall semester’s Sexy Training entitled, Fecal Matters: Pooping with a Partner.
We Care For You Gift Solutions™
Ever wish that you could take the guesswork out of gift giving and skip straight to the hugs and appreciation? Well, with We Care For You Gift Solutions,™ you can. We want you to have the best holiday experience possible without any of the effort of genuinely caring or demonstrating an interest in your family’s lives. We all know that in this modern age, time is important. Why would you call up a family member to reconnect and share a common bond when you could watch another video of highlights from the 2004 Summer Olympics? This is where we come in. For the low price of $19.95 a month for the 11 months leading up to the December holiday season, our dedicated team of professionals will infiltrate the lives of the most special people in your life, becoming their cashiers, teachers, book club members, neighbors, gynecologists, and in some reported cases, even spouses. We spend time listening to their needs, sending birthday cards, showing up unannounced for tea time and gossip - whatever is necessary to fully understand the complexities of the family member. Once we have determined a list of possible gifts, we alert you when it is time to choose among them. All you have to do at this point is decide how much money you are willing to spend on, say, your niece that you have never even met because your brother is such a dick. We care, so you don’t have to! And for an extra five dollars per gift, we will forge your signature so you don’t even have to sign the card. I mean, at this point we already know everything about them, so it’s not even, like, that big of a deal. So this holiday, remember your family and treat them to something you know they will love.* *Because a team of highly specialized “onlookers” have been noting their every move.
Is joking about these things offensive? You Decide! -Twilight fans -The color blind -Syphilis -Micropenises -Macrovaginas -Crippling debt (think Greece) -Charles Manson -Vegetarians -Parents who don’t love their children -The recently deceased -Gnawing anxiety -Factory farming -Mainstream Cults -Scientologists -People born into Scientology who have never known anything else -Willow/Jaden Smith -JFK assassination -Crippling loneliness -The crucifixion -Bat/bar mitzvahs -Stupid kindergarteners -Grass allergies -White Identity Collective -Grotesquely small hands -Gangrene -Virgins -Porn addiction -Weed addiction -Ugly babies (like really, shockingly ugly) -Your baby -Chanter -Specific Chanter pieces -People with differently sized feet -Borderline offensive humor -Hitler
New Classes Being Offered Next Semester Cooking with Big Data No prerequisites, but Intro to Stats is recommended.
Neurogeology We will answer questions like “What do we mean when we say ‘dumb as rocks’?”
Tautology, Topology, Ontology Honestly, we’re still not sure what this one’s about.
Medium Sized Biology This class is designed for students who hate elephants and mitochondria in equal parts.
Cultures of Freedom and Power Don’t bother. The waitlist is already a mile long.
H O L I D A Y CROSSWOR D
1. The number of possible ways to spell Hanukkah. 3. Define your relationship with your parental guardians. 6. Literally the worst holiday song ever written. HINT: think “Christmas” and “shoes.” 8. Why aren’t you more like your sister? 10. The dream you’re least likely to accomplish. 13. All of your pets are hiding. All of your family is hiding. You hear strange growls coming from the living room. You’re worried that your parents have been replaced with rabid ______ . 16. The sound the void makes when you look at it too long. 17. How many Halloween decorations will you find still up when you go home? 18. The likelihood that all of your possessions have been replaced by similar but different possessions, making your home no longer yours, is _______. 19. In what ways are you becoming most like your parents?
2. The name of the “fun” cousin who won’t bother showing up. 4. Are you seeing anyone special? 5. What are your plans post graduation? 6. Have you gotten your grades back yet? 7. Your topic of choice for safe conversation over dinner will be _________. 9. We’ve been down a lot lately. When will we feel up again? 11. The sound your aunt makes when you look at her too long. HINT: See 16 across. 12. You try to communicate with your mother, but when she opens her mouth, a look of confusion passes over her face. Instead of words, thousands of ______ come out of her mouth. You run. 14. Oh god what have you done. 15. The most abundant ingredient in eggnog.
shhhhh, keep it down. do you have the stuff? no, not that stuff, the stuff. good. put it in this bag. whoah, whoah, whoah, slow your roll. not that bag. this bag. paper not plastic, man. did you bring your shovel? what the fuck mikey? we told you to bring a shovel. timothy and sandy both brought their shovels. we sent you six reminders mike, jesus. you know what? it doesn’t matter. everyone just get in the back of the truck. alright, sandy, did you print out the mapquest? good, pass it up here. see, mikey, this is what it looks like to act like a human fucking being. alright, greg, can you turn left here. oh fuck, shit. oh, man, fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. ahhhhhhhhhh! my legs! shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. are you guys alright? i can’t turn, i’m stuck. fuck. hello? shit. are you guys all dead? that car came out of nowhere, christ. oh man. god. everything hurts. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i think i’m bleeding. somebody talk to me. anybody. not you mikey, shut the fuck up. the rest of you guys don’t worry. i’m gonna go get us help. just let me get out of this, and uh, ouch. alright. oh man, i don’t know if i can walk. i’m kind of scared to look at my legs. shit, i don’t think they’re supposed to look like that. dammit mikey, stop screaming, you’re not the only one with a license plate going through their gut. you’re so selfish. always have been. that’s why we don’t always invite you when we go out. like last week. remember when we all said we had food poisoning? from the shellfish at greg’s niece’s quinceanera. and you thought you were lucky since you’re a vegan? we went bowling. without you. timothy bowled a perfect game. bet you wish you hadn’t made that comment about my shoes at graduation, huh? goddamn right I can hold a grudge. stop crying. no, mikey, i can’t call 911. you know what we have in the trunk. the amount of trouble we’d get in. i know a doctor, mikey. he lives nearby. alright, you caught me. he’s a veterinarian. i trust him with my miniature donkeys, i can trust him with the lives of my friends. oh no, sorry mikey. i misspoke. my friends and you. you’re separate. we aren’t friends. you’re insignificant.
Ways I have disappointed my Rabbi: 1. I drank two bottles of Manischewitz at the bris and threw up all over the baby 2. I got high and worshipped a cow idol 3. I got a tattoo of a Quran verse 4. I made out with both his daughter and the motivator at Joey Goldblum’s Bar Mitzvah 5. I drank two bottles of Manischewitz while visiting a shiva home and threw up on the widow 6. I had seven and a half links of pork sausage for breakfast this morning 7. I leaked his wife’s matzoh ball recipe (they’re sinkers) to The Jewish Light 8. I told some kids I hid the afikomen when I really just ate it 9. I broke up with his daughter to date a gentile 10. I work out at the YMCA 11. I needed a doctor to take the mezuzah out of my rectal cavity
Top Movies to See this Holiday Season Star Wars: The Force Awakens (Dec 18) J.J Abrams directs the next installment of the Star Wars franchise, which looks to be the most anticipated movie in years and stars original cast members Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and Mark Hamill. Set thirty years after the end of Episode VI, Han Solo and co. face off against Kylo Ren and his army of Stormtroopers. Based on the trailer I watched, Kylo Ren seems like a complete tool, just like my ex-boyfriend, Alex.
The Hateful Eight (Dec 25) Shortly following the Civil War, a blizzard strands eight mysterious strangers who quickly realize they’re in for a long night. This lengthy thriller features a classic Tarantino cast, including Samuel L. Jackson, Tim Roth, and Zoë Bell. Wow, Tarantino has spent a lot of time making movies with those actors, kind of like how Alex spent a lot of time with those bastards he cheated on me with.
In the Heart of the Sea (Dec 11) This movie? Ummm, It involves boats and/or a whale and that hot guy who played Thor, I think. Yeah. Alright look, I know I never should have believed Alex when he said he had “band practice.” That inept piece of trash could never be in a band. He couldn’t even play an autoharp at that music store’s open house last year.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (Dec 18) You push a button and the goddamn thing plays an entire chord for you, yet Alex still found a way to fuck it up. Fuck him. God I’m so stupid for believing in him. Actually, no, enough self-hatred. Alex sucks, not me. Whatever he’s doing now, I bet it’s fucking lame. Definitely less cool than writing movie reviews. Ha! Fuck you, Alex.
Opening lines i n p o s t- s e x c o n v e r s at i o n s Based on majors/concentrations American Studies: Different folks, different strokes. Anthropology: Your mating ritual really got me going. Art/Art History: Hold that pose. Asian Languages and Cultures: “It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop” - Confucius Biology: Did you mean for that to prolapse? Chemistry: *silence* I mean hey, opposites attract. Chinese: 再次?? Classics: Et tu, Brute? Community and Global Health: Don’t worry, I have a lot more condoms. Like way, way too many. Computer Science: Hey, could you guys be quieter next time? Creative Writing: If you just leave right now, this is going in my memoir. Critical Theory: Want a cigarette? Economics: How much do I owe you?
Educational Studies: Who taught you that? English: So, did I get the job? Environmental Studies: Is that dental dam compostable? French and Francophone Studies: Hey, have you read any Marquis de Sade? Geography: You certainly didn’t need that map I drew for you. Geology: I fucking love pumice. German Studies: You really tore that wall down. Hispanic and Latin American Studies: Así así History: I’ve had better. International Studies: That’s why I’m known around the globe. Japanese: どうもありがとうございました Linguistics: Here’s a phonological analysis of your moans. Mathematics: Damn that really distracted me from my blinding hatred for R studio Media/Cultural Studies: In what ways do you feel that pornography has culturally conditioned you to behave that way? Music: You were a little flat. Neuroscience Studies: Nice head. Philosophy: What are we? Physics/Astronomy: Good thing I study really small things. Political Science: Don’t tell my wife. Psychology: Why did you ask me to dress up like your mom? Religious Studies: Anal doesn’t count, right? Russian: Хороший. Sociology: Will you fill out this survey? Theater & Dance: Were we both faking it? WGSS: This doesn’t mean I’m straight.
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