THE TRAVEL ISSUE
Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 15, Issue 1 Fall 2016 The Travel Issue
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Jamie Goodin ’17 Austin Parsons ’17
EDITORIAL Managing Editor Danny Ochoa ’18 Head Writer Sean McDonald ’18 Social Media Editor Marissa Heim ’17 Radio Editor Yafiet Bezabih ’18
DESIGN Interim Head of Production Will Milch ’19
STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Declan Cummings ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17 Eva Larsen ’17 Eli Lilleskov ’17 Evan Supple ’17 European Design Consultant Noah Mondschein ’18
Crystal Yam ’17 Ana Diaz ’18 Jed Buchholz ’19 Sophie Hannauer ’19 Alex Dzwierzynski ’19
On Sabbatical Sarah Coleman ’18 Kate Garrett ’18 Thali Zikos ’18
Alumni Board Lydia Karlson ‘16
SHOUT OUTS Having a budget Crying during Vine compilations Cold yoga Ken Bone’s Reddit history Jill Stein’s deliberately illegal email server no one cares about Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: email@example.com @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105
Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.
The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year. All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2016.
Hello dearest Macalester College,
The dictionary defines “joke” as “a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline.” Just kidding. Can you imagine how collectively embarrassing it would be for all of us if someone actually started something like that? This Fall has been a whirlwind for all of us. A real estate tycoon turned reality TV show host turned massive income source for new media institutions has become our President.* We discovered that Kevin is literally just a dog. Your professor declined your invitation to the Tap, which we’re sure at the time felt like a terrific idea because of how natural your banter together might feel, despite obvious signs of discomfort that you didn’t pick up on because you were so hyped up about feeling like you could refer to your professor as “dude.” But we at the Hegemonocle have news that will ease your woes: We are offering an unpaid internship for this upcoming summer. For consideration, you must be able to excel in a fast-paced media organization and have at least two (2) years experience working for a collegiate satirical publication. It will also help if you are devilishly handsome, but not intimidatingly so. Somewhere in that sweet spot between totally disarming us and making us feel better about ourselves.
Another ruse. That was a great joke, right?
The real news is that we’ve published our first issue of the year. It’s in your hands. This is really happening. Take a moment to appreciate this, as well as Johannes Gutenberg’s wondrous ingenuity that let this all happen, although some scholars say that Marlon James actually invented the printing press. This might sound ridiculous at first, and you wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way considering that virtually every textbook says otherwise, but let’s be honest: Who has more awards?
We thought so.
In these pages you’ll find cause for amusement and laughter, especially in articles that are stories with funny punchlines. You may very well forget all about the chaos that has been Fall 2016. And hey, you might just learn something. Take a look.
With the warmest of regards, Jamie Goodin & Austin Parsons The Macalester Hegemonocle November 2016
NEWS on CAMPUS
STUDENT’S BELEAGUERED WATER BOTTLE BEGS FOR MERCY: “PLEASE DON’T PUT ANYMORE STICKERS ON ME” Cries of help were heard yesterday as a sophomore Environmental Studies major affixed yet another sticker to their poor, over-decorated water bottle. “It all started with that Oregon sticker…” the water bottle said mournfully in reference to the adhesive in the shape of the state with a heart in the center, now nearly covered up by other stickers. “Then came the ‘I Stand With Planned Parenthood’ one, the ‘Coexist’ one, an anti-GMO one, and a bunch of others that I can’t even remember now,” it added. “I knew it was all over when I saw ‘Jill Stein 2016’ descending towards me.” However, the student showed no mercy as they peeled off the backing of yet another sticker. As they lowered it, one could hear the cries of the poor drinking vessel: “A Patagonia sticker?! But you already have one from REI!” The student has shown no deference whatsoever to the water bottle’s personal beliefs; it is actually pro-life and supported Donald Trump in this election. “Climate change is obviously not a real thing -- every time I hear this stupid kid talking about it to their stupid environmentalist friends, I poison their water a little more with BPA.” In related news, the student’s laptop has not shown signs of life since an “I <3 Public Radio” bumper sticker was placed over the last few square inches of visible surface.
GUY WHOSE FRIENDS DON’T LIKE HIM AFRAID FRIENDS DON’T LIKE HIM Ronald Jones ’18 has a socially debilitating fear that his friends don’t like him. “So, I was on Facebook one day,” Jones said, clearly trying to garner sympathy but really just sounding stupid. “And I saw that article about how, like, half of your friends don’t like you? You know that one? I’m sure you saw it. But it says that a study shows that most friendships are kinda fake. Ever since that, man, I just can’t look at my friends the same way. Like what if they don’t like me at all? Half of my friends aren’t my real friends?” What Jones doesn’t know is that for him, the percentage is much higher. “Yeah, we all hate him,” says Jones’s friend, Tony Stone ’19. “He does this thing with his tongue. You know when people click their pens all the time? It’s like that. Except with his tongue.” Another friend responded that, despite Ronald being a huge fucking dweeb, “his dad is very cool.” When asked why they still hang out with Ronald, most of his friends responded with a comment about his constant and massive supply of marijuana.
WN O R U SE YO O : O E H C R U T
EN V E G HE
YOU ARE AN OLD TIMEY GANGSTER WITH REALLY TINY FEET; CAN YOU BECOME THE MANAGER OF A BARNES AND NOBLE?
You are an old timey gangster; you like robbing the banks and saying, “Show me the money, see.” Your feet are also so, so small. This is you. a.) Yes this is me, the one with the small feet. Now shut yer yap, see? (page 19) b). No, I am a normal man with normal sized feet you are mistaken, breeze off fella. (page 14)
Fun Sam is so, so upset that you said he fights like a small pig on Splash Mountain but when you try to punch him in the chest his chest becomes a fist and you give him the gift of a fist bump. “Tight,” he says. Now what do you do? q.) Call him a stinker until he cries so much that he drowns. (page 14) r.) Slap his thighs and yell “Thunder thighs! Thunder thighs!” until he is struck by lightning and is defeated. (page 9)
“Tight,” says Fun Sam. “I will make you manager if you can answer my riddle. Here it goes: How do you spell aioli?”
m.) A-I-O-L-I (below) n.) 651-696-6000 (page 14) o.) A-I-O-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q (page 14)
“That is very close,” says Fun Sam, “because you were so close I will give you another chance to solve my riddle because this is how riddles work.” n.) 651-696-6000 (page 14) o.) A-I-O-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q (page 14)
Macalester Economics Department Tentatively Announces Sponsorship Deals As many of us are aware, the Macalester Economics department has been suffering from budget constraints for quite some time: the iMacs in the computer lab are almost three years old, the department treasury is dangerously low on silver and copper, and the preceptors are running out of white-board space on which to draw supply and demand curves. Reports from the third floor of Carnegie Hall confirm that the Economics department will begin accepting sponsorships from local businesses in order to keep up with inflation and filthy government intervention. Seeking to maximize utility, the department website noted that relationships with the community can have profound impacts on market signaling. In a brief press release, the department noted that they expect the sponsorships to produce immediate improvements. The Economics newsletter has proudly announced that this increased funding will allow for additional course offerings and department resources. For example, sponsorship from 3M will allow the department to offer a new course entitled “Adhesive Products in US Social Thought and Policy.” A professor, who wishes to remain nameless, remarked that “[the Economics Department] is in fierce negotiations with Bemidji Airlines and Land O’ Lakes. It could go either way right now, but you can expect to see innovative branding on our upcoming department t-shirts!” Despite a wave of disagreement, the department chair has refused to directly comment on any discontent. However, we were able to come across a series of tweets from 1:34 to 2:57 AM, November 3rd.
Marlon James to play Brad Pitt in upcoming film In a stunning announcement, Man Booker Prize winning Marlon James said he will be branching out from writing bestselling novels. James, who wrote the award-winning, best selling novel A Brief History of Seven Killings, announced on Friday that he will foray into the also potentially award-winning field of acting with a blockbuster premier of a documentary on also famous Brad Pitt. James, who has won the Man Booker Prize, will be playing the Academy Award winning actor. “I’ve written all sorts of books, including my newest novel A Brief History of Seven Killings, in which I have over 200 characters,” Marlon James said during the reveal, “so I figure acting shouldn’t be too hard. Plus, I won the Man Booker Prize.” The Man Booker Prize-winning author writer recently interviewed Brad Pitt, and claims to have gained an understanding of Pitt in a way that will allow him to portray him on the big screen. Additionally, James has written characters who have gone through divorce, so he knows how to portray Pitt post-Angelina. “I think it’s a great idea,” Pitt told the Hegemonocle in an interview, “I mean our interview went very well. I could tell toward the end that he really gets me. And did you know he won the Man Booker Prize for his novel A Brief History of Seven Killings?” In addition to winning awards, Marlon James also teaches at Macalester College, where he hopes the prestige gained through acting will help his bid for SuperTenure. And for those worried that the time commitment will affect his teaching, James reassures students that he is working on an elaborate Skype schedule so he won’t have to miss a single class.
In Search of 10K
“I’ll be frank - I have no intentions of actually closing 10K,” Campus Activities and Operations Joan Maze said in a private interview. She shoots me a gaze that says, “I’ve somehow misplaced an entire performance space.” I laugh quietly to myself, knowing that such a thing is impossible. “Yeah, I don’t really know where it went,” Maze finally admits. “One day I’m taking a massive nap in there and the next day it’s gone. So this whole shutdown thing is just a diversion until I find it.” 10K has been a hot topic of discussion for the administration thanks to its use by individuals who don’t attend an elite liberal arts college and also don’t live on its campus. According to CAO Associate Director Andy Williams, there were talks last year of potentially closing the space, but he realized that would display a severe lack of a commitment to addressing serious safety concerns at their root. But now, with Dupre’s basement performance space disappearing without warning, CAO has been forced to execute this charade. “Andy and I have spent hours searching for 10K without any luck so far,” said Maze. “I’m not worried though, it’ll turn up eventually. Until then, hosting Battle of the Bands in the Loch actually sounds pretty cool.” At press time, a student who attempted to enter the basement of Dupre was stopped by a collection of barbed wire, a pack of stray dogs, and one gigantic man.
Call Joan Maze if found.
DAILY PIPER CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS Submitted by: Unpaid Daily Piper Intern
Are you tired of dating apps like Tinder and Bumble that focus only on looks? Is your hay allergy keeping you off FarmersOnly? Do you have an extensive Pagan lineage and feel out of place on ChristianMingle and JDate? If you said “yes” to all of these, you’re like me - alone with your vibrators and full of questions about religion. I bet you feel out of options. But you haven’t tried The Daily Piper Classifieds! Did you know that the Daily Piper is the most read publication on campus? Did you know that at least some of the people that scroll through it are hot young singles? Did you know that Cheryl Doucette is rooting for you, kid? Take out a personal ad today! Be sure to include your age, PGPs, hometown, feelings about the growth of STEM at Macalester, Kinsey Scale score, a believable list of colleges you mostly got into, recycling zone, favorite “rita” beverage, FYC, Vine handle, and political ideology. Cheryl is desperate for fresh content. Please help her out, and always remember: Sex sells!
BREAKING NEWS At approximately 11 pm on Friday night, prospective English major Lars Seltzer ’20 made his comedy debut at a party on Doty 2. Seltzer hit his stride when he made his drunk-onwine-coolers floormates laugh with dirty bastardizations of famous writers’ names. “Highlights” include:
-T.S. Smeliot -Emily Dickinsock -Upchuck Palahniuk -Philip Froth -William Shakespunk 8
-Mark Twaint -Susan Skintag -Charles Bukkake -Hardon James -Ernest Hemmingspray
CHOOSE YOUR OWN HEGE-VENTURE (STARTING ON PAGE 5)
“It would be a shame if something were to happen,” you say before you give those puppies a good slapping and yell “Thunder Thighs” as hard as you can. Suddenly, Fun Sam is struck by a bolt of lightning from the man in the clouds. The man in the clouds cackles and yells “you can’t have thunder thighs without lightning!” You agree. “Well now that I have been defeated I have no choice but to make You manager of this Barnes and Noble forever. I will serve you big plates of spaghetti and you may refer to me by the informal ‘Sam.’” You have done it. TIGHT. THE END.
Yes! You are correct. This is true because it is in the title. You walk over to the Barnes and Noble with your small feet and it takes you a long time because they are so small and when you get there you go up to the cashier and say words to them. What are these words? f.) Hey doll, as you can see I am an old timey gangster and I have tiny feet and I would like to be the manager of this Barnes and Noble please. (page 14) g.) How do you spell aioli? (page 19)
You blew it! You stared at your VISA gift card for too long and then you realized it wasn’t your VISA gift card, it was a gorilla and then the gorilla picked you up and took you far away from where the banks are. Now you are married and you serve him lots of spaghetti while he watches the big game. THE END.
You decide to go with the cashier, but then you realize she isn’t a cashier at all, she is a gorilla. She grabs you with her gorilla hands and takes you so far away from all the banks and now you are living with her and serving her a lot of spaghetti and she never says “NO, stop it,” because she is watching the big game. This is a bummer, now you will never refill the VISA gift card and rob the banks with your tiny feet. Not tight. THE END.
Oh dear! You have offended Fun Sam so much that he has put on his “I’m done for today” bathrobe and has put in his retainer. He is done for today and he goes to sleep; now you’ll never become the manager of this Barnes and Noble or rob the banks. THE END.
HELLO FATHER,this is your son, I am sorry you have to read
this but I must tell you. I am sorry, but these are the reasons I am That 70’s Show star Wilmer Valderrama. Have you ever looked up at the moon and wondered if that moon was the same moon looked at by the great philosophers? Plato, Aristotle, Ashton Kutcher? Have you ever stumbled upon a quarry and stared into the abyss wondering whether, if you fell, you would ever stop? I am deeply sorry, but these are the reasons I am Wilmer Valderrama.
Oh father, how I a weep every night, and yet these are the reasons I am, in fact, Wilmer Valderrama. Have you ever witnessed the miracle of birth under the cover of a yurt? Have you looked into the eyes of the newborn child and wondered: “What will you become? Who are you? Why was I typecast?” In the dark of the night, have you ever wandered out into the blackness and stolen but a single kiss from a lonely soul, too afraid to admit they wish to be loved? Father I cannot apologize enough, but I must try, because all of these are the reasons that I am the voice of Manny on the Disney Channel show Handy Manny, Wilmer Valderrama. Have you ever seen your grandmother naked? I am Wilmer Valderrama. There are no words to express the deep remorse I feel, but alas I must try: My bad, I am the voice of minor character Rodrigo in Clifford’s Big Red Movie, Wilmer Eduardo Valderrama, and here are some of the reasons why this is true.
Have you ever looked over the bow of a yacht cruising along the Amalfi coast and been struck by the sudden urge to dive into the ocean depths, sinking slowly to the bottom, forgotten? Have you ever woken up surrounded by lizards with human faces that all cry out: “Daddy, Daddy I’m hungry. Feed me?” I cannot help that these are the reasons I am Wilmer Valderrama, but nonetheless I must tell you how sorry I am. I apologize again, because I feel as though I have strayed from my main point, which is that I once came upon a sphinx while trekking across the Sahara desert. It asked me to solve a riddle and told me if I answered correctly I would be afforded all the riches I could possibly imagine, but if I failed I would be torn limb from limb and left for the vultures. Oh father how I was overtaken by fear; my knees began to buckle and my vision blurred; I urinated uncontrollably. But then I took a deep breath, and I said to myself: “Wilmer Valderrama, you spent eight years acting alongside Topher Grace, you can handle anything.” And so I answered that sphinx’s riddle and it showed me things I cannot tell you, for if I did your testicles would sprout small feathery wings and fly over the horizon. Oh father, since that day I’ve had to drape small pouches of stones from my testicles to keep them from escaping, and now I must use a specially designed, very tall toilet. My dearest father, every day I wake up crippled with remorse, sobbing hysterically, for these are the reasons I am Wilmer Valderrama. Where is my goddamn macchiato? Wilmer Valderrama, I am.
Movie plots if the lead
Man on Wire
This masterful documentary seamlessly mixes actual footage and staged re-enactments of that one time there were some snakes hanging off of a wire between the Twin Towers. The film addresses the tough questions like how did the snakes get up there? Did any of them fall and if so, how many? And most importantly, where are these snakes’ parents?
It’s Christmas Eve, and German terrorist Hans Gruber has taken a Los Angeles office building hostage while his crew attempts to perform a lucrative heist. Will the employees live to see Christmas morning? Is there anything the police can do to stop this madman? Why is there a pile of snakes just sitting there in the lobby, it doesn’t really seem like something that should be in an office building?
In the courtyard of a New York apartment building lays the clues of a potential murder. A suspicious man attempts to cover up his perfect crime while a pile of snakes sits in the window across the yard, making this really disconcerting hissing noise.
was a pile of snakes
The Dark Knight
Snakes on a Plane
Crime runs rampant in the streets of Gotham. A menace known as The Joker terrorizes the helpless citizens for his own sadistic pleasure while the police remain helpless to stop him. Meanwhile, a pile of snakes kind of rolls around on the floor of a very ornate house with a lot of computers it doesnâ€™t know how to use because itâ€™s a pile of snakes.
A young aristocrat falls in love with a kind but poor pile of snakes aboard the famous passenger liner the R.M.S. Titanic. She struggles with the disapproval of the judgmental bourgeoisie, thoughts of suicide, and her identity as a member of the ruling class while the pile of snakes sort of slithers around a little bit.
On a flight from Honolulu to Los Angeles, a horde of snakes is deliberately released with the intent to kill a key witness on board the plane. The passengers must fight against the snakes for their survival, and a pile of snakes played by Samuel L. Jackson is also there with the other snakes.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN HEGE-VENTURE (STARTING ON PAGE 5)
Oh no! This is terrible! You are not the man who is the gangster with small feet, I will return to my hollow log and be embarrassed in the log with my hollow log family. THE END.
“Yes, that is how you spell aioli correctly!” screams Fun Sam like a large pig on Splash Mountain. “Now you are the manager of this Barnes and Noble, here is your managerial orb that allows you to summon the armies of hell. Please do not use it on the weekends they will be mad that you have disrupted their nice weekends Goodbye.” Fun Sam turns into dust which turns back into Fun Sam and then he walks out the side door to the parking lot. WOWZA! THE END.
“Yes, this is good because our old manager was shot with a harpoon and became not very good at his job because people kept walking into the harpoon,” she says. “Please come with me to the Hall of Synergy to speak to our ruler, Fun Sam.” h.) Yes doll, I will come with you on my mini feet to see this big cheese Fun Sam. (page 19) i.) No, I would not like to see this oversized cheese Fun Sam, this does not sound pleasurable to me. (below)
“Stinker! Stinker! Big Stinker!” you yell. Fun Sam cries like a small sad pig on Splash Mountain and soon he is covered in big stinker tears. “Not tight!” yells Fun Sam, before he drowns and is dragged out by the tide to sleep with the fishes. “You have vanquished our leader Fun Sam,” says the cashier. “Now as is the prophecy you must come live with me and serve me lots of spaghetti until I say: “NO, stop it!” Do you go with her or do you skedaddle outta this joint? s.) Live with her and serve her lots of spaghetti. (page 9) t.) Skedaddle right on out of that joint with ya little ol’ feet. (page 19)
“Don’t be silly, you will come and see Fun Sam now and you will be the manager,” she says. h.) Yes doll, I will come with you on my mini feet to see this big cheese Fun Sam. (page 19)
Jeez Louise! You haven’t answered the riddle correctly and instead you have called Macalester College and they have told you that you have to live in a Dupre single that is full of bees and smelly socks. Also they decide to close 10K again. THE END.
7 Easy Meals that You Could Make if You Weren’t a Golden Retriever Wearing a Horse Mask Ramen
Ramen is the golden standard of easy-to-make food, but you would be the gold standard of not being able to make it. Sure, you could probably fumble the stove onto “High” to boil water, but how would you open the package? You don’t have thumbs. Because you’re a dog. And you would crush the noodles if you tried to bite it open, which you couldn’t even do, because you’re wearing a horse mask. Final verdict: would be easy as shit for anyone but you.
Listen, these are literally premade. You just have to boil them. You could even destroy the package and some would survive your claws and maybe fall in the pot, but for my life I don’t see how you could put any sort of sauce on them, and they’d stick together if you don’t. I’m trying to tell you how to make a meal, not eat some squishy, sticky-ass pasta. You couldn’t do a pre-made sauce or even just olive oil. You couldn’t get the jars open. You’re a dog. Wearing a horse mask.
Look, dog, I’m not even going to go into why you trying to crack eggs is a bad idea. It would be a waste of my time and a waste of your time, but most of all it would just be a waste of eggs.
Rice and Beans
Rice and beans has been a staple of lazy college students who want a high carb diet for as long as both of those ingredients have existed. Rice is cheap; rice makers make it easy as crap. But the beans. They come in cans. How can you open a can of beans? Have you forgotten? You’re a dog.
This one seems like it would be just up your alley. We’ve established you might be able to get that burner turned on. The tortilla is easy; some would survive your onslaught. Cheese comes shredded. You almost have this one. But quesadillas need to be flipped. And to flip, you need a spatula. And I’m sorry, but they don’t make spatulas for Golden Retrievers. You couldn’t even try to flip it just in the pan, on account of wearing a horse mask. Better luck next time, Fido.
Buffalo Wild Wings
This one might be cheating, since you wouldn’t even be making it, but I’m trying to throw you a bone here. I bet you’d even fucking love the walk there to pick it up. But there’s no way they would understand you through the horse mask when you tried to call in the order. I mean it’s tough to understand people normally over the phone, let alone a dog barking through a huge rubber mask. Maybe we can try something even easier.
Alright, these are incredibly easy to ope — Oh. Shit.
AT T E N T I O N
Please Stop Smashing My Testicles With a Rusty Shovel I have always considered myself a modest man. I do not ask for much and I am content with very little. This is why I believe I am well within my rights to ask for such a small, manageable favor: please stop hitting my testicles with a rusty shovel. When I am at the supermarket, sifting through the gluten-free cereals, I am routinely approached by people I have never met brandishing rusted spades. Despite my protests, these strangers strike my defenseless testes with their digging spoons and flee into the midst of the frozen foods aisle. I do not understand what I have done to deserve this. I am a kind and gentle soul who would never even think of pounding another man’s nads with construction equipment. If I have offended some greater power, I know not how, but I plead with them to free me from this hell. I have not urinated in five days. Even in the privacy of my own abode, I am not safe from this testicular excavation. For when I arrive home after a long day at the office and after having my testicles walloped by large, weathered trowels, I find another stranger waiting to exact judgment upon my beanbag. Before I can even utter the words, “please don’t smash my gonads with that oxygenated earth ladle,” they have crippled my boys and sprinted out the open door. My credit score is excellent, I have never been in a major automobile accident, I do not understand why I have been chosen as the recipient of this cold, iron curse. Surely there are others out there more deserving of having their knackers regularly backhanded by rusty tools. The latest test of my sperm count came back negative. I do not understand how this is possible.
Amongst all the turmoil of my current predicament, I was given one glimmer of hope: the chance to meet my idol, Carson Daly. It was a
moment I had visualized since the moment I saw him on MTV Live, and one I hoped would give me the strength to drag my swollen jiggleberries through another day of pain. And so I approached Mr. Daly and said to him, “Sir, it is my deepest pleasure to meet you,” to which he replied in that silky smooth voice: “Thanks, it’s always nice to meet a fan.” But when I reached in to shake his hand, he pulled it away and from behind his back drew the largest, rustiest shovel I have ever seen. My hero then proceeded to smite my helpless wigglies with his old scoopy stick while I cried and cried about how I think his role on The Voice is necessary to the show. I still fail to understand why Mr. Daly, a very successful individual, owned a shovel in such poor condition. Am I not even allowed the dignity of a relatively decent shovel? Try as I might to prevent this punishment of my goobers via old scoopy, nothing has worked. I have worn cups but there exists not a cup in the world made to withstand the repeated pounding of cast iron instruments seeking nuts. I have shattered eleven of them and there now exists a skin moat around my genitalia the precise size of an athletic cup. I have tried barricading myself in my apartment, locking all of the door and windows yet somehow these testicle-hating strangers manage to squirm through pipes and ventilation systems driven by the sole desire to smack my garbanzo beans with ancient relics of diggings past. I cannot fathom the reason my fleshy gumdrops have become the subject of such detestation; I have watched all three seasons of Transparent and have vocalized on Facebook that I believe their Emmy success was deserved. Now, even within my dreams I receive no respite from the torture of my daily life, for I see only apparitions of my nuggets being pounded by disembodied dirt scoopers. And when I wake, the only alarm clock I am allowed is a swift, firm tap on my knapsack with yet another rusty shovel. I did not know that this many rusty shovels even existed. Where does one even get a rusty shovel? Do they sell them pre-rusted? Before now I had never taken the time to consider how many of the world’s shovels were rusted; I can now confidently answer: most. So please, please stop. I am on my hands and knees, mostly because I am begging but also because I have just had my beanie babies thumped with a crusty dirt spatula. End this, before I have no testicles left to wallop. Ouch my balls.
2016 Election Vocab Braggadocious (ˌbraɡəˈdō(t)SHəs) adjective. Cyber (ˈsībər) ??. 1. Yes, actually a word, meaning boastful or arrogant. Wrong (rôNG) adjective. 1. Presumably short for “I respectfully disagree with your opinion”. 2. A signal to staffers to begin deleting old Tweets. Law & Order (lô and ˈôrdər) noun. 1. A popular TV show that ran for 20 seasons and concluded in 2010. Muslim (ˈməzləm) noun. 1. Our current president, who founded ISIS. “Be Nice” (bē) verb. 1. What you say to your opponent when they are out-arguing you. “I Didn’t Say That” (i ˈdidnt sā T͟ Hat) verb. 1. I did say that.
1. Denotes the activities of 400-pound non-Russian hackers. Alternative reality (ôlˈtərnədiv rēˈalədē) noun. 1. The dimension in which Donald Trump dwells. 2. Where Oompa-Loompas are considered the standard of beauty. Running mate (ˈrəniNG māt) noun. 1. Someone who disagrees with you on a fundamental level. 2. Someone you have limited contact with. “Your time is up” (yôr tīm iz əp) verb. 1. What did you say? Keep going? Stamina (ˈstamənə) noun. 1. A quality that only male presidential candidates possess. Synonym: “presidential look.”
Locker room talk (ˈläkər ro͞ om
tôk) noun. 1. Something Donald Trump knows a lot about despite obviously not stepping foot in a gym in his life. 2. A reminder to GOP leaders that they have wives, daughters, and mothers. Hillaryclinton.com (‘hilərē ‘klintən ‘dôt ‘kôm) noun. 1. In case you missed Hillary Clinton reciting her entire platform verbatim, click here to read it! Ken Bone (ken bōn) noun. 1. The only one who can truly make America great again.
Will you be the next Kofi Annan? Only if you’re physically fit!
Well-known for its International Studies program, Macalester attracts many globally minded applicants each year. These intrepid prospective students hope to become a part of the generations of Mac alumni out there “making a difference.” Due to its immense popularity, the department naturally needed a way to weed students out. The solution: base the department on the fourth floor of Carnegie. “If you think about it, it’s really on the fourth-and-a-half floor,” heaved firstyear Marjorie Stein. We spoke with her as she took a break to catch her breath outside the Political Science department. “You have to climb up stairs even to get to the first floor!” “Yeah, I was going to major in IS, but then I realized I had to climb all those stairs. I dropped the intro class before Jayne Niemi could even send out an email about add/drop being open,” added sophomore Billy McDonald. “Now I’m an anthropology major; what could be better than the basement?” A third potential interviewee could not give comment, as he fainted just after making it past Economics. An International Studies professor sniffed disdainfully as she stepped over his unconscious form on the way to her office, saying “So close, and yet so far…” I.S. department preceptors were later seen dragging the body to an undisclosed location. International Studies students have also reported attending office hours while their professor worked out on a StairMaster. Macalester athletes are known to use the Carnegie stairs for training: How else do you think Kofi Annan got so good at ping-pong? Rumor has it that in addition to the 14 classes required for the major, the department is considering making a graduation contingent upon completing Step Aerobics. One thing is clear: a degree in International Studies is not for the faint of heart.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN HEGE-VENTURE (STARTING ON PAGE 5)
“Wow, so good, come with me on your small feet and we will see our lord Fun Sam.” You follow her to the very large hall that is the Hall of Synergy and it is very hard because your feet are tiny. You get to the end of the hall and you find Fun Sam and he is standing because sitting is not fun. “Check this out,” says Fun Sam and he does a karate kick that is so fun you squeal like a small pig on Splash Mountain. j.) Holy smokes Fun Sam, that was the most fun I’ve had since Labor Day. (page 5) k.) That was very much fun but Labor Day was more fun. (below) l.) I hated that, I had no fun, and I want to go home. You’re not a big cheese, you’re a small cheese! (page 9)
You skedaddle and skedaddle and keep on skedaddling until you find yourself in a forest. Your feet hurt a lot because they are so small and you skedaddled so far so you sit down. When your feet stop hurting enough for you to look at the trees you realize that all the leaves are VISA gift cards. Tight, with all these gift cards you can definitely become manager of a Barnes and Noble and then you’ll have enough money to buy a gun and spell your name in bullets. RADICAL. THE END.
“This is unacceptable to I, Fun Sam. Now we must duel,” he says. You duel Fun Sam really hard. You are evenly matched. What do you do? p.) Tell him he fights like a small pig on Splash Mountain and then punch him in the chest while he is distracted by the thing you said about how he fights. (page 5) q.) Call him a stinker until he cries so much that he drowns. (page 14) r.) Slap his thighs and yell, “Thunder thighs! Thunder thighs!” until he is struck by lightning and is defeated. (page 9)
This is great, I am thrilled this is true. You want to rob the banks but first you need to buy a gun, and the VISA gift card your mom gave you ran out. Now you must get a job, where will you get a job?
c.) I will not get a job, I will stare at my VISA gift card and wait until there’s some scratch on it, understand? (page 9) d.) I will become the manager of a Barnes and Noble because it is the title, see? (page 9) e.) Can you repeat the question? (below)
Yes, thank you for asking. Where will you get a job? d.) I will become the manager of a Barnes and Noble because it is the title, see? (page 9) e.) Can you repeat the question? (right)
“A-I-O-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q-Q” she says. “Can I do anything else for you?”
f.) Hey doll, as you can see I am an old timey gangster and I have tiny feet and I would like to be the manager of this Barnes and Noble please. (page 14)
The Hegemonocle’s 95 Theses Out of love for the truth and from desire to elucidate it, the Reverend Father Hegemonocle, Master of Arts and Sacred Theology, and ordinary lecturer therein at Macalester College, intends to defend the following statements and to dispute on them in that place. Therefore he asks that those who cannot be present and dispute with him orally shall do so in their absence by letter. In the name of our Lord, Finnegan the Therapy Dog, Amen.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
Bell too high above ground Marlon James No creativity on campus outside of The Spark Puzzle in library is too hard to solve Chicken in Scotty’s is bad No brand consistency Vacuums make your room dirtier People keep talking to me on library first floor Kirk Basement Lounge open too often I get lost in tunnels underneath Wallace No bathroom in Link besides bushes outside Bushes outside Link smell weird Track for square-wheeled bike is not long enough Poor security for rocks in the Geology department Theory classes give me existential crises Not enough forks Mac Dicks is gone No one to offer me cigarettes on campus (How am I supposed to make friends?) Too much work My parents are getting divorced
21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43.
Can’t get to bottom of salsa jar Kirk New CVS on Grand Shish raising prices Can’t find good time to do acid because too much work Patagonia jacket too expensive Patagonia jacket is too obviously a Patagonia jacket Too cold Vandalism is unoriginal We can’t make fun of MCSG because they control our funding Card access is a joke Printing shaming Library computers are slow GDD built too recently to already feel like nursing home Curry in Cafe Mac way too spicy RHD won’t let me crawl through window Not enough jokes in Mac Weekly Someone keeps banging their preceptor in the shower I’m a preceptor but no one will bang me Campus is too small and too big Keep running into my ex Too many org emails Our mascot is literally a white man
44. Not enough entrepreneurship 45. Grate graffiti is now lame (I don’t even want to smoke weed there anymore) 46. Too liberal artsy 47. Not enough Republicans 48. I just get a bad vibe (bad vibes everywhere) 49. Too much unprotected sex 50. Too many sad white boys 51. Crossing Grand isn’t dangerous enough 52. I love Chanter so much it scares me 53. I get sober walking between parties 54. Swings always occupied 55. I feel inadequate at the gym 56. Library bikes break easily 57. I’m not vegetarian 58. Not enough therapy cats 59. All athletes D3 quality tops 60. I have Verizon 61. I used to feel really good about myself 62. Other people’s ACT scores too high 63. I want to be big fish in small pond again 64. Automatic toilets flush prematurely 65. Sometimes pears in Cafe Mac brown not green (green is better) 66. CC basement bathroom stall has a mirror; I have to watch myself shit 67. Sometimes people stop you from stealing from Cafe Mac 68. Bagpipe Guy’s raw sexual magnetism distracts me from sporting events 69. Dupre art offensively bad
70. Reset the water counters on water fountains (never see one hit 99999) 71. The Spark set fire to my home 72. No Rastafarian Chaplain 73. Disgracefully low Amish representation in student body 74. No elevator in Bigelow 75. Music building is least soundproof building on campus 76. Sculptures in library are terrifying 77. Campus is too far away 78. Not enough corporate sponsorship 79. Work study boss makes me file taxes 80. Too few mozz sticks in app samplers 81. No on-campus bus system 82. Not enough interaction with Mitchell Law students 83. Washing machines in Wallace rotate too fast 84. Middle schoolers in the Loch hustled me at billiards 85. Too much anti-fossil rhetoric 86. My parents are the only ones who listen to my radio show 87. Cafe Mac won’t let you take the display vegetables 88. Macalester geofilter 89. Closest grocery store is a Whole Foods 90. Too many things named Weyerhaeuser 91. My off-campus rent is too high 92. Some TVs in Leonard Center not on Food Network 93. That weird silver staple thing in the library 94. Cafe Mac coffee burned hole in most organs 95. Too close to St. Thomas
Gooch is that time of day in between midnight and 3am, when you woke up on October 24th but you’ve stayed up into the early hours of the 25th. And then your friend Craig asks you, “Hey man, what day is it?”. Then you are hit with a pause, well it’s technically the 25th but I awoke on the 24th. This whole day I have bought into the promises of the 24th. This is me today but will I be the same me tomorrow? In this metaphysical sense the day has not ended until I close the door on that chapter of my life and by that I mean go to sleep. And so what day is it really? You have fallen into this cleverly laid trap because Craig, the dastardly devil, has lead you astray. You are not living in a day, you are living in a gooch. For a gooch is also that time in between the gonads of yesterday and the chocolate factory of tomorrow. Thus, after a moment of existential crisis you reply, “Why Craig, you silly goose of a man, it is the gooch of the 24th and 25th.”
Hege Poetry Corner:
Whiteboying isn’t just about experiencing the intersection of race and gender privilege, it’s also an attitude. When I whiteboy, I touch my hair a lot.
When I whiteboy, you used to call me on my cellphone.
When I whiteboy, I know more about hip-hop than you.
When I whiteboy, I don’t worry about speaking over my classmates to get my point across, I know the professor will recognize the value of what I have to say. Someday my classmates will realize I was in the right all along.
I don’t rap though, I just make beats. I mean of course I freestyle a little, casually. When I whiteboy, I don’t worry about being cool, only whether or not those around me realize how cool I am. When I whiteboy, I keep the snacks On. Fucking. Lock. When I whiteboy, I get what I want.
When I whiteboy I have a destiny. When I whiteboy, I struggle to process my emotions. When I whiteboy, you should be with me. When I whiteboy I’ve been having a hard time
The Hegemonocle formally endorses Brian Rosenberg and running mate David Sisk for the 2020 election! Rosenberg promises:
Endorsements on Campus:
• To offer higher pay for CEO’s • To place a Great Expectations poster in every classroom • To live in a house other than the complementary one provided by the US government • To run our country with traditional altleft values • He and Sisk are both for sure white men • To create a black box theater in the basement of a residential hall to be used exclusively by students on a $10,000 budget.
“The sheer quantity of food he eats in Cafe Mac is disturbing, but it’s also the sign of a great leader.” -Jabari “Vote Brian Rosenberg. Wow it felt good to say his name instead of the other way around.” -Kofi Annan “We have squash today.” -Representative from that weird farmer’s market on campus “I suspect that his candidacy will provide a lot of content for my publication, so I’m all for it.” -Cheryl Doucette