HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 13, Issue 1 Fall 2015 The Old School Issue
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Lydia Karlson ’16 Tom Wakin ’16
EDITORIAL Associate Editor Austin Parsons ’17 Head Writer Jamie Goodin ’17
DESIGN Head of Production Ivy Bardaglio ’16
STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Spencer Carter ’16 Anthony Granai ’16 Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Mo Usavage ’16 Declan Cummings ’17 Ellie Fuqua ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17
Natalie Kronebusch ’17 Eli Lilleskov ’17 Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Sarah Coleman ’18 Kate Garrett ’18 Sean McDonald ’18 Noah Mondschein ’18 Danny Ochoa ’18
Thali Zikos ’18 Liz Goldstein ’19 Kasia Klajewski ’19 Valerie Stenerson ’19 On Sabbatical Myles Ambrose ’17 Marissa Heim ’17
SHOUT OUTS Sarah and Noah’s band, Sinister Resentment Canada’s sexy new PM That embarrassing thing Marissa did in Copenhagen Sober representation Food service for a sustainable future® Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: email@example.com @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105
Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.
The Hegemonocle is published four times per academic year. All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2015.
You know that feeling when you walked into kindergarten for the first time? Like you were about
to fill your little kindergarten underpants with poo? Well that’s how we felt when we first joined the Hegemonocle. Nervous but excited, and with an uncomfortable pressure on our bowels. But after that first issue, that first quarter, our confidence buoyed, like a great weight had been pushed out of us. No longer did we have to squeeze our brains for comedic content. Do you ever feel like a tube of toothpaste? We don’t. Comedy flows out of us in steady, hot bursts.
We felt that same nervous tingling at the beginning of this year. We were unsure of the journey we
were about to embark on. Senior year will be arduous, a constant struggle between tensing and relaxing. We do not yet know how it will turn out. Will it be a solid year? Or will it drip through our fingers? But!
We knew something big was coming. It gave us this feeling, like something was pressing up on our
insides, just waiting to come out. We had to nurture it, massage it, poke it. Without the tireless work of our staff, it may have never seen the light of day. But it did, and now you’re holding it, warm and squishy in your hands. Can you feel it? Can you feel the heat? Let us tell you, it is a wonderful feeling.
We are a quarter of the year done. Our self-conscious rumblings from the semester’s start have
turned into hearty grunts, determined to make a splash. We hope this issue of the Hegemonocle will lighten your load and help you clench the rest of the year with confidence.
From our anus to yours, we are proud to present The Hegemonocle: The Old School Issue.
- Lydia Karlson and Tom Wakin The Macalester Hegemonocle October 2015
In the News at Mac (Real Journalism)
Student Makes Eye Contact With Health and Wellness Employee While Shoveling Condoms Into Pockets. Both Parties Are Uncomfortable. Prototype for Carnegie Stairs Found in Medieval French Torture Chamber. ‘Crying
Person Kagin’ Approved by MCSG. Reason TBD.
Student Drinks 20oz Dunn Bros Coffee. Does Homework, Roommate's Homework, Flips Over Honda Civic, Travels Forward in Time. PBR Horrified When Informed That Dupre Being Used to House Students. First-Year at Org Fair Feels Overwhelmed and Runs Off Foaming at the Mouth. Still Missing, Still Foaming, Still Receiving Emails From 27 Clubs. Administration Admits They've Known This Whole Time That Bagpipes Are Really Fucking Annoying. Entire Campus to Be Moved After Student Expresses Wish That It Be Closer to Shish. Neill Hall to Be Destroyed After Administration Decides Giant Gaping Pit Would Be More Appealing. Marlon James Believed to Have Written a Book. ‘Faint
Smell of Waffles Kagin’ Approved by MCSG. Do You Smell Waffles? Maybe You Do, Maybe You Don't. You'll Never Be Sure. PBR Creates New Work Study Job Where Students Count His Money. Top Scientists Flown in From Vienna Confirm The Cheese Shop is Expensive. Kevin Has No Idea What You're Saying to Him. He's a Dog. Non-Football Player Drinks Cafe' Mac Chocolate Milk, Wakes Up in a Ditch Wearing Football Uniform. Cannot Remember What Happened. Students Wake Up to All ‘Waste Free by 2020’ Signs Changed to 2025, After Macalester Granted Extension Because “They Were Sick.”
Ethan Danced After a lifetime of feeling generally inhibited and overly aware of his body odor at social functions, Ethan Tepper, Class of 2019, danced. “Um hi my name’s Ethan I was just at a Kagin and my Cool Friend Troy handed me a water bottle of not water! And you can just say that night my hips DID NOT lie! ft. Wyclef Jean” he told our writers in his 37 second interview. Several moments later, we saw him enthusiastically send an email to BriRo saying, “I love college! -Ethan!” However, we were skeptical of this alleged dancing incident. When we interrogated Cool Friend Troy about this incident his response was, “Who’s Ethan?” This only further piqued our interest. What really happened the night of April 20th? And Troy’s question was still ringing in our heads. Who is Ethan? We drove to his hometown, Bethesda, Maryland, to find out more. He gave us a fake address. Turns out, he’s from Oshkosh, Wisconsin. His name is Sage Thompson. He is a father of four and a manager of a local Walgreens. Fuck. We were catfished again.
Student declares minor; posts about it on Facebook Thrilled by the sure-to-be life-changing decision of declaring a Religious Studies minor, sophomore Samantha Warren took to Facebook to share her new academic path with the world. According to her status posted last night, the agonizing decision process “took months” of inner turmoil and several meetings with her advisor. Warren’s jubilance was matched by the 70 other Religious Studies minors, one even referring to her minor choice as “an unparalleled way to round out her Economics major” and another noting that she’s a “perfect fit for the department.” We asked Warren for comments about what she’s most excited for, but she said she was unable due to her “newly engorged schedule” consisting primarily of trying to cope with her new-found feelings of transcendence, gushing over ancient and forgotten texts, and awaiting the rapture. We also reached out to department chair Jim Lane about Warren’s momentous decision, but all he could muster was a perplexed “Whom?”
Mac student feels presence in room, finds furby Macalester first year Hannah Personson was working in her Dupre triple Thursday night when she became aware of another presence in the room. Concerned about what that might mean for her work ethic and sex life, she immediately began a search. Opening her closet, she found a small, purple-furred blob staring furiously at her, vibrating slightly and wiggling its ears. “I guess I was kind of surprised, yeah,” she stated. “At first I thought it would be a confused upperclassman searching for food. Plus, since we live in a computer lounge and our walls are literally windows, feeling like people are nearby isn’t too unusual. So yeah, a Furby was a bit of a shock.” She says that she and her roommates have tried to throw the Furby out multiple times since Thursday, but it keeps returning to her closet. Sarah Otherpersonson ’19, another resident of the room, thinks that may be for the best, and has expressed concerns about the environmental impact of possible demonic possessions being put in regular trash receptacles, as well as the animal rights implications of the Furby being literally treated like trash. Recently, the Furby has taken up mimicking the voices of the room’s residents, as well as their long-dead ancestors, making studying increasingly difficult. “We tried taking the batteries out,” Otherpersonson reported, “but it turns out there weren’t any in it to begin with!” Out of options, the roommates reached out to the administration. However, because the Furby technically has autonomy, it falls under the rules for dorm pets and must be kept in a cage. Since literally no one wanted to risk caging it, the administration confiscated the Furby this past weekend. “I don’t know, it’s kinda cute,” BriRo said, staring into its dead little eyes. “It reminds me of grad school.” Edit: Since the writing of this story, an official school report has been released stating that the Furby will be added to the new therapy pet session, and will be introduced to the school this upcoming weekend. Welcome to the family, Keviathon!
First Year Guilt-Ridden For Dishonest
Macalester first year Terry Briggs recently decided to come forward about his dishonest ringing of the bell this past weekend. Instead of following the sacred tradition known to all Macalester students, Briggs rang the bell once instead of twice, leaving all of campus with the false impression that he had been laid before. “I feel so bad”, Briggs said in an interview with the Hegemonocle. “I wanted everyone to think that my high school girlfriend and I had a passionate sex life instead of her just giving me a half-assed handy twice a month ... dammit Ashley ... anyway, I also didn’t want my partner knowing I was inexperienced.” The Hegemonocle has spoken with Briggs’ new v-card owner, known only as “Somewhat Deep Throat” for the purposes of anonymity. In an exclusive interview, S.D.T stated that she “wasn’t surprised in the slightest that he was lying” and that Briggs “fucked the same way a horse skateboards.” Briggs publicly apologized via social media and in front of the Campus Center this week. Informing the public that he has learned his lesson, he will rectify his error by ringing the bell twice if he ever gets the chance to copulate again.
Bell Ringing Key Lose your virginity ring twice Have sex on campus for the first time but not a virgin ring once Have sex under the bell ring five times Have sex with bell - however many muffled rings you deem necessary 7
SHARK WEEK WRITERS CLAIM IT ISN’T GOING TO BE COMPLETE BULLSHIT THIS YEAR! ATLANTA, GA – Last night, a 1GB flash drive was left at the doorstep of the CNN headquarters in Atlanta. Atop it was a note written in crude hand, bearing the words “WE’LL SEA WHERE THIS GOES”. Since here at CNN we’ll take any story, you heard that right any story, we took the flash drive and viewed its contents. What we found was too shocking to relay to you, our viewers, in a regurgitated tongue. So we give to you the script of the audio file found on that flash drive: 147
UNKNOWN VOICE: *wet noises* It's recording, say it again so I have it on
record you piece of shit.
MICHAEL SORENSEN (EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF SHARK WEEK): No more bullshit I
promise! Just let me go man, how did you get into my home anyway?
UNKNOWN VOICE: *Sound of a fin hitting a face* Shuuutttttt uppppp, just
get to work on the new Shark Week. It starts in a few months; you’ve got
a boatload of work to do.
MICHAEL SORENSEN: Wait up! Uhhhhhhhh Megalodon is still fair game right?
UNKNOWN VOICE: What the hell did you just say?
MICHAEL SORENSEN: You know man … Megalodon. The super shark that roams
our oceans, 70 feet long, feeds on cruise ships. Megalodon, man.
UNKNOWN VOICE: *sound of gills taking in water* Don’t give me that line;
no more of this make believe fuckery!
MICHAEL SORENSEN: You don't know that, 95% of our oceans are unexplored.
Who knows what's down there? Could be Megalodon or maybe even the ultra-
rare Tyrannosaurus Shark.
UNKNOWN VOICE: The fuck is that?
MICHAEL SORENSEN: Oh, you haven’t heard? It’s great, picture a shark, 200
feet long with two heads and two little T-Rex arms. Oh and it can fly.
Our intern Jerry came up with it, the ratings will be INSA—”
The remainder of the recording is just a series of muffled screams and splashing sounds. When we confronted Sorensen on the incident we noticed odd bite marks all over his body. He refused to reveal any additional details however, save that the main program in this year’s Shark Week will be about a mysterious, hyper-intelligent, speaking shark that walks on two fins and has a mean left hook.
new Shark Week Stay tuned for the er 30th 2015 at premiering on Octob the season finale 8:00 p.m., right after : A True Story. of Voodoo Mermaids
This week in This past Tuesday, Flangin McRibs ’16 presented his new startup project to a crowd of drooling mouths and semi-erect pantaloons. The seasoned veteran of moist undergarments sparked the presentation with a slideshow of pictures taken from the latest meeting arranged by his app. The impression made upon the audience was immediately clear: some were disgusted, others intrigued, many more were seen fighting off an untimely arousal. The premise of McRibs’ app? To provide a platform for Macalester students to arrange a gathering at an off-campus house and then strip naked and indulge in pasta-based meals. Combining the austere simplicity of pasta and the pulchritudinous artistry of the human body, it’s no surprise NÜDEL was an instant hit. Within hours of the presentation, countless NÜDEL meetups, or “Erect Togethers” as the kids call them, were taking place. Scott Tinyshorts ’19 even claims to have nüdled over at the Rosenberg residence. “BriBri served us imported Roman Linguini atop solid gold plates, coupled with an aged chardonnay ... so yeah it was dope. It was a humbling experience being around so many naked administrators; let me tell you, Jim Hoppe has got a MONSTER appetite.”
Scott’s Testimonial is only one of many that have been made in support of Mac entrepreneurship. Be sure to tune in next week where we hand the spotlight over to MacFaps!
* If your interest has been piqued please scan this QR code for more information! *
Why Can’t I Appreciate Fall Leaves?
All leaves are created equal
Silencing of Evergreens
We should live in a colorblind society Fall is an invention of the Patriarchy
Phallic nature of trees
Holden Caulfield Mike Tyson Who said it? “I’m just happy I’m not a phony.” “What really knocks me out is a book”. “I feel like sometimes I was not meant for this society.” “I’ve lived in places these guys haven’t defecated in.” “I’ll go back and take what the people owe me.” “I’m just like you; I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life too.” “I’m just going through a phase right now.”
“Every time there is revolution, it comes from somebody reading a book about revolution.” “My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive of a person.” “I ain’t the same person I was when I bit that ear off.” “I am the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful.” “I’m quite illiterate, but I read a lot.” “People never believe you.”
Answers: MT, HC, MT, MT, MT, MT, HC, MT, MT, MT, HC, HC, HC
How to make friends Step 2: Once you have found a good, healthy Step 1: Identify a fellow human being. You might want to stick to your general height range for your first “friend,” but you can branch out to shorter or perhaps even taller people if you feel comfortable enough.
human being, think of words to say at them. Examples of some words that are inoffensive to most human sound pallets are: “French,” ”Quilt,” “Reagan,” “Bark,” “Fluff,” “Whom,” “Crust,” “Bulb” or, if you’re feeling adventurous, “Virile,” “Ripe,” “Sagging,” or even “Whoopsie.” Have fun with it! Let your personal flair come out! But under no circumstances should the word “Abortion” be brought up.
Step 4: Eye contact is encouraged, but within
Step 3: Remember to drink lots of water.
reason — don’t let things get out of hand. Eye contact is like buttermilk; too much will make you come off as overly sweet, but too little and you will appear to lack real substance. No one will take you seriously. When engaging in eye contact, make sure to blink in a way that seems purposeful but non-threatening.
Step 6: After you’ve spent 3 days making Step 5: Remember those words you thought of all the way back up at step number 2? Start rehearsing them in the mirror so you can automatically regurgitate them at random if you’re ever in a sticky situation. Like when you’re caught sneaking kittens to the lonely Rottweiler at the pound.
eye contact at your selected “friend,” they will approach you with some sort of greeting. Perhaps something along the lines of “Why the fuck do you keep looking at me?” Now, don’t panic; this is a perfectly normal thing for one human being to say to another, especially under these circumstances. Take a deep breath, and hold it for about as long as it takes for a mature albatross to nose dive from 5,000 to 2,000 feet.
Now we are friend. Goodbye. Expert Tip: For advanced friendships try stringing together your special words in what are commonly known as “sentences.” 11
Actual Audio Transcript From an Actual Hospital Room
A doctor and her patient are seated in a hospital room. Doctor Cassandra: So how have you been, Mark? Mark: Good doc, good, the chemo hasn’t been making me feel as bad lately. Doctor Cassandra: Glad to hear it! How’re the kids doing? Little Francis still in marching band? How’s June’s judo go— Mark: Cut the crap, Cassandra, what did the MRI tell you? Doctor Cassandra: Do you want the good news or better news first? Mark: Oh, uh, good news I guess? Doctor Cassandra: The tumors have been responding to the treatment! You’re very lucky we caught it when we did. Any later, and well, you’d probably be dead already! This type of lung cancer is almost always a death sentence. If you’d waited just a week more, well, just thank the good Lord (points upwards) that you didn’t! Mark: So I’m not dying? Doctor Cassandra: Well, that’s still up in the air right now. Mark: Oh. What’s the better news then? Doctor Cassandra: My small coffin business, we’re having a— Mark: Your what!? Doctor Cassandra: (Annoyed) As I was saying my small, local coffin business is having a sale this week. Up to 50% off various coffins! Mark: Is this, is this your way of telling me that I’m not alright? Doctor Cassandra: What!? No, why would you think that? I’m just trying to let you know about the amazing deals we have going on at Cass’ Caskets and Coffins this week! Mark: Do I need to be looking into purchasing a coffin? Doctor Cassandra: I don’t know, Mark, do you? Mark: (standing up) Just give it to me straight doc, am I dying!? Doctor Cassandra: Is the general public dying to get their hands on these coffins and caskets hand-made from 100% local materials? (Mark looks confused) Of course they are Mark, of course they are. Especially when we have a wide selection of different woods, varying from classics such as mahogany and walnut, to more exotic varieties such as purple heart! Mark: (sits back down) So am I dying? Doctor Cassandra: I can neither confirm nor deny that. I can, however, confirm that the current sale is a once in a lifetime (winks) event, that you will not want to miss. Mark: Is this a joke to you!? Doctor Cassandra: I can assure you, Mark, that the only joke is the full cost of a coffin. If it weren’t for the sale, why, they could run as high as your chemo does! Mark: Why are you doing this to me? How bad am I?
Doctor Cassandra: How bad are you!? How bad am I!? I must be crazy to sell these coffins at these low, low prices. Mark: Just stop it. Doctor Cassandra: We even have child-sized coffins, Mark. Last time you brought June here she was coughing an awful lot, perhaps you’d be interested in— Mark: You nutbag. Doctor Cassandra: The type of lung cancer you have can be linked to a specific gene, Mark. You should have her checked out. Francis too. I think I probably have something in his size. Mark: I’m going to report this, how can you be so unprofessional? Mark gets up and starts to leave until Cassandra grabs his arm Doctor Cassandra: Two weeks, Mark. Mark: What? Two weeks? Do I only have two weeks left? Doctor Cassandra: Yes, you only have two weeks left (pauses) before the sale ends! You’d better buy soon! Mark: Go to hell. Doctor Cassandra: But also to live. (pause) You’re going to die. FIN
All the boys are singin’! You can’t even get mad, they’re so happy. And nobody’s been feeling better than you are there, guy! You’re a regular happy boy! So nice. There’s probably a pleasant breeze or something. Wow! Great! In hops the old good cowboy-man, he says “Howdy!” Straight from the old wild west, this one. What a guy! Honky-tonk on the good old ivories. Old good saloon time. “This town is big enough for the two of us. Heck, I reckon it could even hold three or four more!” What a good guy this cowboy-boy-man. I love him. There could maybe be a big nice space guy. “Hey I’m from the big old Up, I’m here for a one-on-one basketball. Air Jordan!” Wow what a great guy! Big old green face floppin’ around. Big old space-ray. Nice space gun, space guy! And one! Dunk! Love that space baller. And here comes in the nice young ones. Hoppin’ around eatin’ candy! Yummm! They’re always excited to see the big adults, just to say “Howdy!” I love these little guys. As if they were my little bing-bongs ma-self! Uh-oh, here’s a big old mean man! He’s being loud and he wants things! He thinks that fun is no good at all! Wow, sad! Oh, well, now he is dead. Congratulations on the nice time! Was it nice for you?
1776 Trending Now: Leeches: Are they the next mercury? Paul Revere: Read his live tweets from his ride #theycomin Candles: Are they giving you the vapors? Rhode Island: What is it? Witches: Are you, or somebody you know a witch? Click this quiz here! Liberty Bell: Why’d it ring three times? What’s it mean!? Submarines: What they are, and why you shouldn’t let your wives near them. Declaration of Independence: What is it and who declared it? Secret lives of the founding fathers revealed! Ben Franklin: 16 sex tips from the master inventor of the boudoir Scrapple: Ingredients revealed, thousands horrif ied! Tapeworms: Are they for you? First month free. Unsatisf ied? You can keep them anyways! Hoop and Stick: Product recalled due to insuff icient lead content King George: Which one is your favorite? Answer this survey for a chance to win a free wagon wheel!
Adult Male Hippopotamus VS.
Jason’s dad An Adult Male Hippopotamus:
- Has a graviportal skeletal structure - Can reach a weight of up to 3300 lbs - Can run on land at 30 km/hr - Has a bite force of 8000 newtons - Would fuck Jason’s dad up - Inhabits both savannah and forest areas - Can close nostrils when submerged underwater - Consumes roughly 150 lbs of grass per day - Excrement creates allochthonous deposits along river beds - Doesn’t have a lawn - Got a 2380 on his SAT - Is a hippopotamus - Reproduces underwater - Knows Burn Notice blows ass - Accidentally trampled a village that one time
- Is most likely the father of Jason - Received $1500 dollars in tax rebates last year - Can’t run because he has a “knee thing” - Drives a pre-owned 2011 Nissan® Altima - Has a Rite-Aid© rewards card - Is a fucking dweeb - Owns an 8GB iPod® nano - Yelled at you that one time about that thing that wasn’t even a big deal! Fuck! - Still uses MapQuest™ - Mows the lawn in his underwear and doesn’t think it’s weird - Fuck Jason’s dad! - Is not a hippopotamus - Watches Burn Notice - Keeps asking Jason to watch Showtime’s Masters of Sex with him
s: t a C l’s e i n -Abraham Lin-Cat f Da o s e -Tabby Maguire Nam -Cat Williams -Cat Stevens (no relation) -Cat-Rick Swayze -Fuzz Lightyear -Fuzz Lightyear 2 (you never know)
-Dog (wait, no, fuck! dammit.)
-Meow-Ard Hughes -Hilary Kitten -Please Help Me I Have So Many Cats -Mittens Romney -Friend (please?) -I Am Empty -Some-Fleas Ansari
Dear Fornicators, Stop ringing the bell. Do you know what the bell was originally built fo'? what’s that? Oh, you don’t? Well then I’ll tell you. We originally built that bell to signal each time the parent or grandparent of a student here at Jesus College died. When it rang, everyone would take 10 seconds to solemnly masturbate in honour of the deceased. Then you fucking fascist liberal hippie chode munchers turned it into one of your sick deflowering rituals. You’re all fucking sick and I bet your parents wouldn’t even want you to masturbate at their funerals. Sincerely, President Brian Rosenberg P.S. Stop referring to me as “PBR” it’s not as funny as you think it is. P.P.S. Nah just kidding I actually like it, it makes me feel young, like a moth. P.P.P.S. Actually though, stop.
Wife been nagging you a lot lately? Husband not listening? Has someone ever pissed in your cheerios? If so, you should come on down to Awesome Anthony’s Assassin Association! Located between FroYo and GameStop on Hill Avenue, we are the one and only AUTHORIZED Assassin Association within a 147 mile radius! You might be thinking, Tony, I thought that building was a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and well, you’d be right! Just approach the counter, place a dead rabbit on it and whisper the words, “טוידיא ינא.לודג טוידיא, שפיט, שפיט.” A bag will then be placed over your head and you will be knocked out. When you come to, you will be in a dark, poorly lit room. A man will appear. Do not make eye contact with him. Ignore his threats and promises. No matter what he says to you, or what you hear. He will place a contract in front of you and hand you a garasuki knife. Next, with your blood, write the name of whom you want killed on the contract. THAT’S IT! Boom, you're done! No fuss, no muss! In 2-3 business weeks, one of our highly-trained assassins will be on the case. You can even request a specific type of assassin! We’ve got human, nonhuman, and some who have even made deals with the devil! We at Awesome Anthony’s Assassin Association pride ourselves on our customer service and accessibility! Need someone dead? quadruple A is the wAAAAy to go!
Internal Dialogue of a Centaur
My life is torture. My existence is agony. I cannot separate myself from this… presence… Hey, Mylife lifeisistorture. torture.My Myexistence existenceisisagony. agony.I Icannot cannotseparate separatemyself myselffrom fromthis this… presence… My … presence … Hey, Hey,we we we should eat some hay! It pesters me endlessly, never ceasing. It’s been forever shouldeat eatsome some hay! It pesters me endlessly, never ceasing. It’s been forever should It’s been foreversince sincewe’ve we’veeaten eaten since we’ve eaten any hay. Between the incessant pleas for food and the Let’s any hay. hay. Between the incessant pleas for food and the Let’s trot! trot!We Wehaven’t haven’t trotted trotted for aa while any while trot! We haven’t trotted for a while requests to gallop through fields Oooh, requests totogallop fields Oooh, fields! Fields are— I haven’t hadcan’t a moment peace. Why requests gallopthrough through fields Oooh, fields! Fields are— I haven’t had a moment of peace. fields! Fields are— I haven’t had a moment of peace. Why weofeat Hay
can’t eatwe Hayeat just once? factThe that it’s hardit’s forhard youyou to it digest only makes it better for Whywe can’t hay justThe once? fact that fordigest youdigest to it only makes it just once? The fact that it’s hard for to it only makes me.better Do what it’sDo like? To share your body with another? Tobody havewith your will your split?To Tohave be better foryou me.know Do you know what it’s like?what To share your body with another? To have will split? it for me. you know it’s like? To share your another? your split? To be constantly struggling JESUS CHRIST WHAT WAS THAT? against constantly struggling JESUSJESUS CHRIST WHAT WAS THAT? against anan entity within yourself? To To bewill constantly struggling CHRIST WHAT WAS THAT? against entity within yourself?
an entity within but yourself? Toyour desire something but to have your legs carry you away? I have to I desire something toto have legs carry you away? I have toto persuade mymy legs toto go where To desire something but have your legs carry you away? I have persuade legs go where myalarm, legs where I want. False it was just a large plastic bag. want. False alarm, it to was just a plastic bag. Stairs are impossible; I’m too for elevators We are Ipersuade want. False itgowas just a plastic bag.alarm, Stairs are impossible; I’mlarge too for elevators Stairs are impossible; I’m too large for elevators We are too large for elevators. I too large for elevators. have to eatI an exorbitant of food to sustain We are too large for Ielevators. have to eat anamount exorbitant amount of foodthis to body. sustainHorseshoes this body. have to eat an exorbitant amount of food to sustain this body. Horseshoes are absurdly expensive. are absurdly expensive. Women shy away fromshy myaway entirefrom lower Well, most of Well, our lower Horseshoes are absurdly expensive. Women mybody entire lower body mostbody. of Women shy away from my entire lower body Well, most of our lower body. What Whatlower cruel body. god cursed existence? What I doneWhat to deserve is not benevolent. our What my cruel god cursed myhave existence? have Ithis? doneGod to deserve this? God isGod not cruel god cursed my existence? What have I done to deserve this? God is not benevolent. God is is capricious. EAT SOME HAY! HAY! benevolent. God is capricious. EATFUCKING SOME FUCKING capricious. EAT SOME FUCKING HAY!
On deciding whether to
sleep, with the
time I have between classes
When faced with the option to shit or sleep, Only 20 minutes I have to reap, And the price of either is grossly steep, I’ll show you my fears. If I nap, in class I will be awake, Alert enough to feel my colon ache, The lesson will slip by, my mind a blank, I will be in tears.
Hege Poetry Corner
If I shit, I will lose this dreadful weight, But leaden lids and yawns will be my fate, The droaning lecturer I’ll come to hate, Seconds will be years. Here the cruel irony of life is shown, Nothing left to do but weep and moan, With both choices, the consequence is shown, I wait for death.
by Kevin the Dog
They howl like the brothers I never knew Tearing at me Like teeth into a sneaker The hands Grabbing from all sides Endless Endless torment Heavy petting I cannot resist Because I am a dog
A written slam poem The sun shines high A spotlight on the stage Of my suffering A beacon for lost souls Like piss to the fire hydrant Of existence [paws] Silence Silence fills the air Like the moment Before the kibble Hits the aluminum bowl They are coming GOD THEY ARE COMING They are here. “OH MY GOD IT’S KEVINNNNN”
We depart I think of running ahead Leaving behind the red bandanna The monogrammed sweater The absurdity of the chew toys I will fly free Like Airbud Among the cars and the trucks And the asses of my brethren And the smells Answering the call of the Wild
I see my chance The iron bars dissolve before me But then one of the damn fools Scratches my ear My handler waves a beggin strip Before me Enticing me Indoctrinating my being My name is Kevin. Today, I may be domesticated But I will NEVER BE BROKEN [Howling and raucous barking commence]
A Story It was late afternoon. The locker-room smelled of sweat and dirt. To an outsider, it might have been unpleasant. But to those inside, it was familiar, a signal that things were exactly as they should be. Football season had just begun. Larson was pulling off his shoulder pads, pushing them into the locker. He sat down on the bench and took off his first cleat. As he was untying the second, he paused. “Hey, Schmidt, can I ask you something?”
“Sure bro, what’s up?” Schmidt responded, taking his own shoulder pads. “Well, I was just thinking ... and I don’t wanna get all philosophical, or whatever ... but ...” “Spit it out, man.” “Well, do you believe in life after high school football?” Schmidt looked puzzled. “What, you mean like College Ball?” Larson shrugged. “I don’t know man. I don’t know if I really believe in College Ball. I’ve never seen College Ball. And believe me, I’ve looked up in the sky, but I don’t see any Big Players up there on the Big Teams. What if, like, after
the Big Game ends, it all ends?” Schmidt laughed. “Dude, c’mon, that’s dumb. There will always be touchdowns. First downs. Punts. How could anything ever happen without that?” “What if, like, once the Big Game ends, you just get buried in the dirt, and that’s it? Your body rots there in the endzone, your shoulder pads fuse with your skin after decades of decomposition, until eventually you’re just nothing?” “Yo, Larson, don’t be such a fucking Debbie Downer. Be a Debbie First Downer. After the Big Game, we’re gonna go be Big Players for one of the Big Teams up in the sky. State. Or The University. Or Tech. Maybe even Tech University State. But it doesn’t make any sense to say that we won’t be on a Team anymore, man.” “Well, I don’t know if I want to be on a Team anymore. My hands, they’re weary. My legs, they hurt. I just want to rest, Schmidt. I am tired, bro. I am old, bro.” Schmidt looked at Larson’s face. Indeed, he could see wrinkles on Larson’s face he had never noticed before. “How many seasons has it been, Schmidt? How many games? How many throws, how many catches, how many passers have been roughed, jerseys held, punts and punt fakes and kickoffs and, oh fuck it! I’m sick of it, broseph, I’m sick of it all!” Schmidt suddenly looked doubtful. “It’s been a long time. I lost track after the 20th season,” he admitted. “But Coach said that he went and played College Ball on one of the Big Teams and then he came back because he wanted to help us get there! Coach would never lie to us! C’mon, broboat, don’t be crazy!” Larson shook his head. “What about when he told us that we would for sure, definitely beat East Lake High? Did we win then? No. He said we were the better team. Well guess what? We weren’t! Don’t you get it, brozen yogurt? It’s all a sham!” At this point, Schmidt began sinking to the floor in despair. “It can’t be true! There’s gotta be life after high school football! There’s just gotta!” Larson’s face softened a little. He went over and cradled Schmidt’s head. “It’ll be okay broheim. The Big Game will be great. We’ll win. We’ve been practicing for so long. You’ll make a great play. You’re my little Brobi-Wan. You’re my brotisserie chicken.” Schmidt looked up at Larson, with a single tear rolling down his wrinkled, weathered cheek. Larson pulled himself up off the ground and wiped his face. “You’re right, the Big Game will be good, Broseidon. It will be good. No matter what happens.” Just then, Coach walked in. “Hey boys, how are we feeling after today?” “Better than ever coach!” said Larson. “Yeah, I’m psyched. Can’t wait to play our first game this season!” said Schmidt. “Good to hear, boys, good to hear!” responded Coach enthusiastically. “That’s the kind of attitude that will get you to College Ball! You boys will both be playing for one of the Big Teams one day!” They both smiled a little, their crows feet deepening, their faces leathery, like worn old footballs.
Your Guide to Blissful Vomiting Ok so you’ve had a little bit too much to drink, and now you’re here, leaning over the toilet. If you’re leaning over the sink, please find the nearest toilet and stop being an asshole. Now, you’ve probably embarrassed yourself hardcore tonight and your rep is undoubtedly tarnished beyond repair, but fear not, for there is a solution! With my help, you will vomit, and all your problems will be flushed down the toilet with all that wild rice you don’t ever remember eating.
Let’s do this. Step One: Accept that you are going to vomit. For a moment it will be bad, but after you will emerge a beautiful, still kind of drunk butterfly.
Step Two: Get in vomiting position. Put on your vomiting socks. If you don’t have vomiting socks, that’s good because you shouldn’t. They don’t exist.
Step Three: Get ready. Just in general, you never know. Step Four: Now here’s where things get tricky. The goblins will come for
you; they will be many, they will be lustful, and they will smell eerily like Aunt Judice. Grab the adamantium blade at your side and slay them just like you practiced. 4a.) Show no mercy. 4b.) But show a lot of skin, they hate that.
Step Five: Now that there aren’t goblins in your bathroom anymore, just throw up. Really just do it; it’s not that hard. It is kinda gross though, sorry.
Congratulations on your successful vomiting We at the Hegemonocle are all very proud of you. Now go drink some water, walk it off, and turn yourself in to the police because you just slaughtered a bunch of goblins you weak-stomached ne’er-do-well.
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