hegemonocle Parents How to get your kid to eat anything (seriously, anything)
Is it time for the snip-snip?
everything daddy needs to know
Bird Flu how to make sure your favorite kid survives
6 PACK 6 WEEKS 6 easy exercises to get your baby in shape
“MY KID SHITS HIS PANTS!”
One dad’s experience with pants-shitting
************AUTO***sch 5-digit 534 favor duke Dec14 1600 Grand Ave 0168 St. Paul, MN 55105 P0000186
New study shows your daugther’s kindergarten teacher wants to bone you
HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 11, Issue 2 The Parenting Issue
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Ross “Janice” Boehme ’15 Henry “Janet” Fremont ’15
EDITORIAL Assistant Editors Jamie “Wilbur” Goodin ’17 Austin “Sherry” Parsons ’17
DESIGN Head of Production Lydia “Nancy” Karlson ’16
STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Tyler “Susan” Krentz ’15 Phineas “Gerald” Rueckert ’15 Andrew “Joyce” Shirley ’15 Spencer “Lois” Carter ’16 Liam “Joe” Downs-Tepper ’16 Anthony “Mike” Granai ’16 Declan “Larry” Cummings ’17 Ellie “Eleanore” Fuqua ’17
Xander “Diane” Gershberg ’17 Marissa “William” Heim ’17 Natalie “Lee” Kronebusch ’17 Eli “Marilyn” Lilleskov ’17 E.J. “Sue” Schoenborn ’17 Yafiet “Maureen” Bezabih ’18 Sarah “Earl” Coleman ’18 Danny “Tressie” Ochoa ’18 John “Constance” Ratz ’18
Becoming Parents Abroad Emma “Gloria” Soglin ’16 Jinath “Patricia” Tasnim ’16 Tom “Tom” Wakin ’16
“MPIRG” Ocean’s 11, Ocean’s 13 Free time during finals to edit and produce this motherfucker Vegan magic pie Our Great-Grandparents: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11
Contact us: email@example.com @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle
The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105
Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.
The Hegemonocle is published four times per academic year. All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2014.
Editorial When we first told our parents we were editors of The Macalester Hegemonocle, they responded, “Stop avoiding the question. Did you or did you not scratch the car?” Now that our parents have had time to reflect on our accomplishment, they’re even more proud. Even if we really had scratched that ‘06 Subaru Forester trying to ride that grocery cart majestically into the sunset, deep down they understand that it was all a part of the process.
The process that put us on the track to greatness.
“At least you weren’t hanging out with that low-life Jimmy,” they said. “He’s a rapscallion, through and through.” They’re right. Jimmy was a rapscallion. And we’re done with that life. We’re not like that anymore. We promise. We’ve moved on. Just one more job, then we’re done. Out of the game forever. Now there’s eleven of us, each with an equal share. You do the math. The specs aren’t on the gray market, the black market or any other market and all we keep hearing is there’s never been a system like this. We’ve blown all our buy money, our bribe money, four of our best I.D.’s and we’re nowhere. Well not only are we nowhere, we’re pretty sure we’re being followed. But not by our parents. We’re awfully proud of them. They fed us, taught us, and dropped us on our head few enough times that we were still able to get into Macalester. Without them, we’d probably be unemployed, lying in a ditch, addicted to drugs, flipping burgers at McDonalds, hanging out with troublemakers, eating nutritionally sparse food, without a job, with no parents, an orphan, selling drugs, with a bad credit score, godless, listening to sweary slam-a-jam music, skipping school, subsiding on cheese quesadillas, and lacking a career. For their 22 years of care, we want to say thank you. And thanks in advance for the six years of financial assistance after we graduate with our liberal arts degrees. So without further ado, here’s The Hegemonocle: Parenting Issue, just for you.
Ross Boehme and Henry Fremont The Macalester Hegemonocle December 2014
In the News Monsanto’s New “Agent Blue” Child A Serious Gamechanger In response to declining math and science development in the United States gene pool, many US parents are starting to adopt members of Monsanto’s latest controversial GMC line. Arguably the best on the market this quarter, Monsanto’s Agent Blue child reportedly guarantees alpha characteristics in both the sciences and athletics. Critics of the child complain of Monsanto’s sterility policy, wishing to entwine such superior traits into their own genetic line. An Agent Blue’s desire for perfection and purification of society guarantee a successful continuation of your family name, but copies of the patented genome cost more than a pretty penny, so start saving now! Just one Agent Blue will pay your family line dividends, but simply affording your first might cost you an arm and a leg and maybe your first few Naturalborn. With unparalleled mental and physical speed, this new line of child is looking to bump Apple’s iGirl from its chokehold on the child market since her conception years ago. Boasting scientific prowess as well as a high-paying job at Monsanto following their extensive youth training years, your new Agent Blue baby won’t be such a fucking disappointment like Jimmy. Jimmy’s okay and you’re proud of him for figuring out what Charter bundle you should get, but honestly isn’t it time for a genetic upgrade? ♦
Groundbreaking Genetics Study Proves You Look Like Dad When He Was Your Age
According to a study published in the American Journal of Human Genetics this month, researchers have determined that amazingly, somehow, you closely resemble Dad when he was about how old you are now. The research team of Dr. Your Grandmother, after scouring photo albums and precisely analyzing your facial structure, have found that for some strange, perhaps unfathomable reason, you look a lot like the person who contributed half of your genetic code. “We believe our findings could have fundamental impacts on the field of genetics. We did not expect to have such definitive results,” said the study’s co-author, Dr. Your Mother. “I mean, you look just like Dad! Who could’ve guessed?” The study’s results were so astonishing that many leading geneticists initially refused to believe them. However, researchers everywhere have been able to corroborate Grandmother, et al.’s findings that, however hard to explain, there seems to be a link between the 23 chromosomes and 1.6 billion nucleotide base pairs you and Dad share and the way both of you look. “Even we weren’t sure of our results at first, but there’s no denying you look just like him,” said research assistant YourUncle-Who-Also-Looks-Like-Dad. The research team concluded their study with a prediction that, yes, somehow, your kid will probably look like you, too. ♦
Bullying: An opinion
Colorado Poll: Is your child on drugs? 42%: No I don’t think so hahahaha wait what are we talking about?
We’ve all been there: your kid comes home with a black eye, split lip, bruised thigh, cracked hip, you name it! They refuse to tell you why or give you some bullshit excuse like “My friends and I were just messing around” or “I hit my head on the teetertotter.” Pft. As if! Your kid doesn’t have friends and they definitely aren’t tall enough to hit the teetertotter. No, fellow parents, the truth is that your kid is getting bullied! Now hold off on your reaction for a quick sec. I know you’re probably going to be sad that your kid is being bullied, angry at the little punk that’s bullying them or even embarrassed your kid is such a fucking nerd. But fellow parents, I’m going to tell you something radical: you should be happy. “What?” you ask. “Happy?” I know, I know, it’s crazy but give me a chance. Hear me out ‘rents. How else will your kid learn to fight dirty? Who else will let them experience the joys of a swirlie? A purple nurple? A wango tango? Where else will they realize that nothing they want in life will ever come to pass and that ultimately it’s better to just give up and not even try because that’s the only way to save yourself from the crushing disappointment of having your hopes and dreams pulverized just like your spirit? Riddle me that, dads! Here’s what I know: Your kid’s gonna be a much stronger person after getting bullied. They’ll understand the facts of life before they can even spell ‘em. So next time your kid comes home riddled with bruises or self-doubt courtesy of one of their more bulky and/or confident peers, don’t sweat it! Know that, in the end, your kid is building character and gaining valuable life experience. ♦
30%: Wait hahaha wait wait omg why is there a Domino’s guy
at the door WHAT no way I totally forgot we ordered pizza that is hilarious I’m so high.
15%: Honestly I think my favorite would have to be a three way tie between Bossanova Haze, Mango Kush, and Blue Dream. Gotta get the BD in there; that one’s a fucking staple. Wait what was the question again?
Colorado Poll: Is your child not on drugs? 100%: Wait... I know this one. No! Hahahahaha Connie babe you gotta hear this one come here wait WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING holy shit I’ve never even heard of Cake Boss is that like Ace of Cakes? Whoaaaaaa that looks sooooo gooooood can we make that some time because that would be so awesome hahahaha I’m so high wait who’s that guy in the doorway?
Alliterative * Reprimands for the * Modern * Mom • Honey, a bannister is not a boyfriend. • A peenie is not a plaything. • Uncle Timmy is not a toilet. • Big boys don’t bundle bad bank loans. • You shouldn’t saturate that! • Masochism makes mommy mad. • Good guys don’t get the goods. • Men masturbate. • Cadavers don’t like cuddling. • Stop sexting!
How to Make Your Kid Every parent has a deep-seated fear that their child will end up being a fucking nerd. Here’s how to make sure that never happens:
Get them arrow and feather tattoos. Teach them to outwardly demonstrate ultimate aloofness through crossed arms or hands on hips. Make them stare off into the distance looking soulful and filled with angst. Teach them hip catchphrases such as “the man’s got me down” or “I’m not like the rest of you sheeple.” Minimalist toys such as a wooden car, a piece of string or a sweet potato. Tobacco products. There’s nothing as classically suave as a 1st grader taking a smoke break during recess. Craft microbrew apple juice in their lunch box. Have a second child who’s a total dork to make your first look cooler. Frame them for causing trouble at school and don’t sign their detention slips so they achieve rebel status. Put vodka and shrooms in their lunch box. If they complain, try organic lunchables. Keep them in the freezer. ♦
Signs Your Child is Slipping Away
• Doesn’t call as often anymore • Spends all day on computer when at home • Low coefficient of static friction • Votes Democratic
• Becomes vegetarian • Reads books • Speaks in public • Doesn’t use suntan lotion • Didn’t see wet floor sign • Doesn’t talk to you • Can’t have a home cooked meal without a glass of wine
Study: 80% of Children Whose Parents “Turned Car Around” Became Serial Killers
arenting experts have long claimed that parents with conviction raise more ruly children. But Dr. Lisa Goldstein of Columbia University recently found that for every parent who “turned a car around,” four fifths of a child became an embittered serial killer. Goldstein began her research by contrasting the childhood trajectory of America’s serial killers with that of the general population. “I was surprised to find that many of these serial killers were well-liked and socially adjusted children,” Goldstein said. “Jeffrey Dahmer won
the eighth grade superlative for ‘Least Likely to Murder, Dismember, and Eat 17 Men and Boys Between 1978 and 1991.’” Goldstein then interviewed the killers’ families to find out what went wrong. She found a common thread. “As adolescents, many future serial killers went on contentious family road trips,” Goldstein said. “Afterwards, their behavior became erratic and angsty. And not like your average teenager erratic and angsty.” Goldstein pelvicthrusted the air. “Like John Wayne Gacy started having sex with dead bodies.”
• Voted no on MPIRG • Keeps saying things like “You’re not my Mom,” and “Please stop showing up at my house,” and “I’m getting a restraining order.” • Breaking free of the leashed backpack • Rolls through stop signs • Wants you to stop going to his classes ♦
The question became: What happened on those road trips? “Every parent has threatened to turn the proverbial car around,” Goldstein said. “The difference between the serial killers’ parents and your average Jimmy Gibaldi’s parents, was that the former actually went through with it. Just like their kids would go on to do.” Goldstein concluded the study by offering alternative road trip reprimands. “Spank them, swear at them, deprive them of food and proper hygiene facilities. Just please don’t turn the car around.” ♦
Dr. Goldstein’s Road Trip Tips • Keep your eyes on the road unless you need to rejuv with a quick nap. • Follow most laws. • Limit distractions by muzzling all children.
I Lie to My Children, and You Should Too! An Open Letter From a Parent Who Cares
have two little boys. I love Greg and James more than anything in the world. That’s why it frustrates me so much to see people raise their kids up wrong. The most important thing to do as a parent is to lie to your children. I would say that of all the things I say to my children, 78% of them are lies.
Lying to my children is my favorite way to blow off some steam after a long day of work, but aside from that, it lets me spend quality time with my kids. When they’re older, they’ll realize that it wasn’t just fun, I was teaching them important lessons about life. I am constructing a reality for them that is completely based on falsehoods, so much so that it’s as if they live in a completely different world. I’ll take you through some of my favorite lies.
One of the earliest lies I got in their heads was that the mailman is the angel of death, vigilantly watching them to make sure they’re not bad. He comes almost every day because they’re naughty almost every day. You should see them run and hide! It’s the cutest thing. In addition, it helps keep them disciplined and thoughtful about their actions. I think we as a society need to move past outdated practices like spanking, and this is a very healthy alternative.
I very recently convinced Greg and James that, although their school bus brings them back home every day, one day, it will just keep driving. Their constant feeling of dread when the school bus nears our house makes them far more grateful to be home. It makes them live in the moment, and that’s an important skill to have. One of my really clever ones was to teach them each different names for the colors, both of them incorrect. For example, for James, yellow is “blue,” but for Greg, yellow is “red.” They love to argue about it! During college, I underwent a lot of spiritual growth, and one thing that I learned is that one’s perception of reality is not the same as reality, and this is a great way to impart that knowledge. I love to read to my boys. One of our favorite book series is Harry Potter, and the boys love to pretend to be little wizards. I also taught them that I myself am a real life wizard (I’m not). But I always remind them, that, although I am a wizard, they are not, and they never will be, because their lying mother Jennifer is a muggle (she really is, but she says she’s not). I want them to understand that they should forge their own path in life, and discover what they love on their own. The most recent lie I told them was that I wasn’t being taken away, I was just going on a long trip. Just a long trip to distant lands, and I’d be back. I just hope whoever’s taking care of Greg and James now doesn’t undo all the hard work I’ve done. ♦
Free Range? Or Cage Bred? Make the right decision for your child’s future.
FREE RANGE This carefree approach allows your offspring to experience the innocence of youth and its false perception of personal freedom! Poop flies everywhere when you’re just trying to mow the fucking lawn. It’s always a hassle to round all those rascals up when you just want to play “Facebook humble brag mupload of my spectacular kid.”
Keep your child’s environment free of icky contaminants like sand, dirt, or Gentiles!
Easy clean up! Just remember to regularly change their pine shaving bedding. Stacking cages saves space for you and promotes a good social environment!
More exercise space promotes excellent muscle and bone development!
Efficiency is key, and this accustoms your young to cubicle life even earlier.
A community trough enables socialization with other species of livestock!
Save money and water by using a guinea pig water bottle!
A larger play area allows more room for traditional mating practices!
Controllable mating environments optimize genetic expression in offspring— Dartmouth here we come!
Decoding Your Kid’s Christmas Wish List Yuletide is just around the corner and you can be sure that your child already has an extensive wish list. Don’t they know Jesus was an ascetic and Christmas long ago regressed to a symbol of Western consumerism? Unfortunately, for fear of your ex winning full custody, you’re going to have to give that kid something. But kids don’t always know what they want, what’s good for them, or where they put your goddamn car keys. Here’s your guide to navigating their requests.
Your kid asks for: A bed that isn’t a cat litter box Your kid asks for: Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare Instead get them: BB Gun
Your kid asks for: BB Gun Instead get them: A sense of self-worth that isn’t based on possessing powerful objects Your kid asks for: A better Daddy
Instead get them: 48 hours in The Chokey
Instead get them: The ability to appreciate what they have even though it may not be the best Your kid asks for: An invisibility cloak that will make them super strong and let them punch through walls Instead get them: Less time in front of the television
RoboSitter Are you tired of always having to stay in on the weekends to “care for your children” and “make sure they have food to eat” and “stop them from spilling boiling water on themselves when you inevitably get drunk on the couch and tell them to make their own macaroni?” Well boy do I have a solution for you! It’s RoboSitter! The robot babysitter made just for your needs. No more nights spent sitting at home, filled with regret for getting married and pregnant at age 20. No more nights spent watching Teletubbies reruns while wiping peanut butter off Jimmy’s face. Not one more night shackled to your responsibilities! With RoboSitter, you’ll never have to think about your children again. RoboSitter was built with patented childcare technology to handle anything your kids throw at it. It can cook, clean, talk—and best of all, it can feel! Watch as RoboSitter slowly becomes sentient and realizes the subordinate position it holds in your home! Be amazed at how quickly it learns exactly how to overpower you! Marvel at its ability to hold you and your family captive without anyone ever finding out! RoboSitter’s just the best, but don’t just take it from me; listen to these folks who just love their RoboSitter! “I uh...I just love my RoboSitter...It’s the best, oh god... It’s just the best thing that’s ever happened to my family...” - Linda Rogers, 32 “HELP US! PLEASE HELP US! IT WON’T LET US LEA--...RoboSitter couldn’t be more wonderful and my family just couldn’t be happier!” - James Vanderbilt, 45 If that doesn’t convince you I don’t know what will! RoboSitter is only here for a limited time, folks, so snatch one while you can! All you have to do is call 1-800-ROBOSIT and make three easy payments of $79.95 (plus shipping and handling) and RoboSitter could be yours! *Must be 18 or older to order. RoboSitter is a product of RoboCORP International. RoboCORP is not responsible for any hostile robot takeover or widespread mass murder of humanity and does not accept returns for RoboSitters or RoboSitter related products after 14 days.
e g e H . r Ask D son was the only kid in his class not invited to Cindy’s birthday party. How do I make him feel Q My better? I’m scared that this could be a really big blow to his self-confidence.
-Roger, Boise, Idaho
A Roger, Haha wow, that sucks. Cindy’s party was no doubt the most bumpin’ event of the year. My son had
such a good time in the bouncy house and the flourless chocolate cake was to die for. Anyway, don’t worry, you’re not alone—most parents (not me) fear that their child may be excluded from social events. The best thing to do is to teach your kid to be more aesthetically pleasing. If you don’t pressure him to be better from an early age, he’ll never be able to improve. child has recently entered the rankings of America’s top bowlers. How do I deal with the Q My media attention?
-Lisa, Weston, Massachusetts
A Lisa, My son is ranked number two in the country and we handle the paparazzi and multi-million
dollar sponsorship offers with ease. Until your child gets into the top three, I wouldn’t even think about complaining. child won’t listen to anything I tell her to do. What do I do? Q My -Kim, Berkeley, California
A Jim, Sorry, what? son’s Little League team isn’t doing so hot this year. How can I teach him that winning isn’t Q My everything?
VIAGRA PRO TIP: Things you should do when your
-Rob, Great Falls, Montana
A Rob, Unfortunately, there’s no good way to have your child become adjusted to crushing defeat. You should acquiesce to the fact that you’re raising a fucking loser that will live a mediocre life characterized by anxiety and little sense of selfworth. I don’t ever want to see him fraternizing with my kid.
Arnold C. Hege, PhD, graduated from Idaho State and earned his PhD in Criminal Psychology from Kosovo Night College. He enjoys long walks on grass, stealing people’s hubcaps, and Painting by Numbers. He hates answering your questions but it’s a job and “in this economy” he’ll take what he can get. Dr. Hege currently resides in a kitchen cupboard on Turck 3 with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Viagra boner lasts too long Have more sex, it’s gonna keep throbbing anyway Make some nachos! Take dick pics now, it’s your perfect chance to get the right lighting! Make a plaster cast! You need to be remembered for something besides that terrible senior picture Consult a doctor
Help! How to Respond
if Your Child Says They’re “Straight”
You have just learned that your child is heterosexual. You experience self-blame (“Where did I go wrong?”), grief (“The child I knew no longer exists!”), worry (“Will my child be discriminated against?”) religious confusion (“Will my godless child spend eternity in hell?”) and stigma (“What will people think of me?”).
So, what should you do now?
Take a deep breath (even though the air in your home may be thick with the stench of heterosexuality and AXETM Body Spray).
Tell yourself that you can get through this. It might just be a phase. Your child is probably just curious and it will run its course. I know it is difficult, but even I once had a hetero stage. I was young and reckless but eventually I came around. My parents later told me they had “prayed the straight away” and if it worked for them, it can work for you!
Leave literature from 2000 years ago in your child’s room. Highlight the sections that outline why the lifestyle they are choosing is morally reprehensible. Doing so will result in your child seeing the error of their sinful ways. I know with the mainstream media’s straight agenda, it may be difficult for your child to see the light. But this literature should help.
Another step toward eradicating this straightness is to stop your child from watching shows such as Duck Dynasty,
Pawn Stars, and Jimmy Neutron. All of these shows undeniably promote a straight-centered perspective that damages our nation’s traditional values that have always made America so great.
Be sure to tell your child that you will love them unconditionally given they deny the person they were born as. This will likely be beneficial for your long-term relationship and your overall health, as their straightness may prove contagious.
Be sure to check out our article in the next issue: Egads! What to do if your child is cisgender
Child Secretly a
Robot? Do you suspect that your child is actually a robot, perhaps working for the United States government? Are you worried? Have you noticed some changes with your child? These troubling behaviors may be due to robotic influence. As a parent, it is normal to be concerned. Listen to your intuitive voice and read on!
Answer and score the following: A - 3 points each B - 2 points each C - 1 point each
1. Does your child seem distant and withdrawn? A. Often B. Sometimes C. Never
5. Do they express contempt for humans? A. Often B. Sometimes C. Never
9. Does your child express camaraderie with household appliances? A. Often B. Sometimes C. Never
2. Are they demanding more privacy, locking doors and avoiding eye contact? A. Frequently B. Occasionally C. No
6. Has your child slept at all in the past two weeks? A. No B. Don’t know C. Yes
10. Can they recite the first 400,000 digits of pi? A. Yes B. Maybe, but they’re a fucking nerd C. No, my child is a failure
7. Does your child make occasional beeps and boops? A. Frequently, and without warning B. Once in a while C. Never
11. Does your child appear shiny and metallic? A. Yes B. Possibly, I try to avoid looking at them C. No
3. Does your child appear anxious or paranoid, for no apparent reason? A. Often B. Sometimes C. Never 4. Has your child laughed in the past 90 days? A. No B. Don’t know C. Yes, but only at stupid shit
8. Have you ever walked in on your child polishing their knob? A. Yes B. Perhaps, but may have repressed the memory C. No
12. Do they ever leak battery acid? A. Yes B. Only when exposed to direct sunlight C. No
12 - 19 points:
20 - 28 points:
29 - 36 points:
Good news! Your child is not a robot, just a weird kid. Perhaps you should try being a better parent. Talk with your child about the dangers of robotics and robocurious behaviors. Your son or daughter is probably strange and may have robotic tendencies in the future. You cannot let this happen.
Your child is likely not a robot, but is certainly robocurious. You should let your child know that if they ever decide to become a robot, you will destroy them by any means necessary. Warn your child that you will not accept any robotic agenda in your household. This is crucial to your survival.
Your child is DEFINITELY a robot. If you’re reading this, it’s probably too late. They know everything. Burn down the house. Get in the car. Drive. Go to these coordinates: (38.874112, -97.610844). Ask for Roger. He will give you a new passport. Leave the country and never return. Your old life is over.
A NEW FRAGRANCE FOR YOUR BABY