The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 7, Issue 1 Fall 2012 Jonathan Gershberg Pinky
Alex Juffer The Brain
Huck Finn Aﬁcionado DeWitty LoLallace Brofessor
Liberator of Mountains
Springfest 2012 Performer
Jinath Tasnim Tasnimian Devil
Knispelling Bee Champion
Liam Downs - Tepper
White Girl Name, Black Girl Butt
Fabiola Guttierez Fabby G
Aspiring D.A.R.E. Ofﬁcer
Phineas Rueckert Phinny the Poo
Weezy F. Baby
SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!
He is always on the Masthead
New Housing Ordinance Zeroes in on the Elderly, Who are SUCH a Waste of Space Stop being so self-centered, students, you’re not the only ones the neighbors hate. They want your granny out too. Yes, fresh from passing the student housing ordinance in July, which seeks to limit student housing in the Mac-Groveland neighborhood, the City Council has drafted a new law to weed out those pesky old folks. The goal of the law is to ensure that the neighborhood remains one friendly to young, superior families, who definitely are better neighbors than the rest of you. The justification for the law is the disruptive nature, and overall uselessness, of the neighborhood’s elderly population. “You can’t go two years without some oldie’s heart attack interrupting your afternoon,” says Jennifer Russell, of Laurel Avenue. “I finally get my kid down to nap and suddenly there’s an ambulance wailing and people crying. It’s a nightmare.” A nightmare indeed. The medical inconveniences that come along with old people, mixed with the persistent smell of peppermint and mothballs, make for a very unappealing combination in this scenic and otherwise good-smelling neighborhood. A central issue has been the frequent sewage system-cloggery, courtesy of excessive flushing of Depends ©. One Jeff Scott, of Portland Avenue, recalls a night where his innocent backyard barbecue made him the subject of cruel and degrading treatment by an elderly neighbor. “The old guy next door calls at like 9, 9:30 maybe, asking us if we could keep the music down. He was treating us like we were college students. Do college students have as awesome a music collection as this?” he demanded, and proceeded to rattle off a combination of Chingy albums, mixtapes, and select singles only previously available in Taiwan.
The incident inspired Mr. Scott to take action. In order to keep him and his other innocent neighbors safe from the menacing and crotchety elderly population, he has become active in neighborhood plans to limit their presence. The group has already succeeded in its petition for shorter-length “Walk” signs, which discourage old people from crossing any streets for fear of having to walk fast, or else getting hit by a car. While some people have labeled this movement “illegal”, Mr. Scott and his fellow petitioners have no intention of stopping. “Sometimes you just have to get your hands dirty,” he said, before reprimanding a 76-year old, wheelchairbound gentleman for being outside of his house past 6:00 PM, the local curfew time for over-60’s.
When asked to comment on the ordinance (several times, before she understood), Gertrude Mellencamp, an elderly resident of Ashland and Pierce, told this reporter how tall I had gotten, and then gave me her opinion. “Honestly, I don’t see why the neighbors are so upset with me. Now, dear, please help me put this puzzle of a duck pond together, I simply cannot figure out what is part of a duck, and what is the light reflecting on the pond!”
The puzzle was, in fact, two lesbians scissoring.
If passed, the law will effectively halt the purchase of property in the delineated area by anyone over 50, which is considered the age when neighbors have to help you when you have fallen and you cannot get up. The law also includes a provision to sass anyone with a cane, because they are old and probably not up on their comebacks. Nearby communities have mixed reactions about the influx of seniors they are experiencing. While some have welcomed the seniors with tents and soup supplies, others have shuttered their gates. “Although we recognize the need for aid that some of these folks are experiencing, we do not have the resources to accomodate such a large number of them,” said a representative of Highland Park. Another resident put it more candidly. “Yeah, no one here wants to play Backgammon with them,” he said, “call me when they are willing to shovel snow.”