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THE BUILDING MUST DIE Liberty Hall, built between 1961 and 1965, stands at 59 meters high and is officially Ireland’s seventh tallest building. Here at iNFLUX, we would like to see it reduced to Ireland’s most non-existent building (alongside the Bertie Bowl and the “Helpful Department” in NTL) sometime in the not so distant future. A bit harsh, you may think. Well, you would be wrong. Dublin city is a beautiful place in so many ways, featuring many prominent buildings with that special wow-factor such as the GPO, The Customs House and even Dublin Castle. Back in the 60s however, when every architect in the country was bent off their face on LSD and spent most of their day either talking to their pencil or placing it in hard to reach bodily areas rather than actually bothering to draw with it, the Irish government managed to throw up a series of the worst looking erections in the history of the world, only recently rivalled by a leaked YouTube clip of the Rolling Stones having a kinky shower. Think of buildings like the Heineken building on O’Connell Bridge or Hawkins House, just behind it. The sort of structures that remind you of overgrown Bingo Machines, just one big block of cheap looking shite with big wrap-around plastic windows and a load of balls to look at. Maybe, if we can get Liberty Hall knocked, we could start a chain reaction. The people of Dublin would finally see the light (probably because Ireland’s ugliest building wouldn’t be blocking it anymore) and we could get busy blowing up the rest. Goodbye Lego land, hello Dublin… Thankfully, Liberty Hall has actually been condemned to the rubble we requested. Plans to demolish it are scheduled for 2009 with plans for a replacement currently being drawn up. Unfortunately, whilst rolling around our sitting room floors naked with champagne and truffles celebrating the buildings imminent death, we forgot to draw the clinically insane into the equation. But, as my grandma used to always say when I was a child “After the champagne, the truffles and the sex, comes the clinically insane”, and my god she was right. What a truly wonderful, insightful woman. I love you granny. You see, they’ve set up a “Save Liberty Hall” campaign. They want it saved, refurbished, and restored to its former glory. Apparently after a 1972 car bomb outside the building (nice idea, in theory) all the beautiful crystal clear windows were replaced with horrible cheap mirror-tint windows that have now aged horribly with each pane fading in colour at varying speeds, bringing the building to the point where it resembles that smashed up, rectangle mirror ball your stupid cousin got sold by the knackers at a market in Carlow when you were a kid. Add to that a botched concrete paint job and a whole host of other maintenance cock-ups over the years and apparently you have the whole reason the building looks so bad in its current state. Nothing to do with the fact that Ireland had no money back then and just built shite. Which is great news! That means we can save millions on the demolition and construction of a replacement. The building looked the bee’s knees back in the day, all we have to do is a quick refurbishment and the Dublin skyline is good to go. We’ve been wrong all along, it’s not an ugly building at all. It’s just misunderstood. Sadly, this is not the case. As the old saying goes, beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the foundations. I’ve seen pictures of it back in the sixties when it first opened and unfortunately not much has changed, it always looked not too dissimilar to what RTE’s Brendan O’Conner would turn into if he was a transformer. An ugly fuck, only in skyscraper format. I’m afraid for once the crazy people have got it wrong. No matter what angle you look at it, it looks terrible. It doesn’t matter how many Brillo pads or nostalgia soaked J-clothes you fire at Liberty Hall, its always going to be an ugly building. People of Dublin, lets not accept this anymore. Let us ignore the crazy people. Exposives & Liberty Hall = A good decision. The building must die.


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7 DEADLY SINS

Ever since the bible first rolled off the presses back in 1972 we've all known the score when it comes to the afterlife and how you end up spending it. It's easy. There are a strict set of rules that you can follow, they're called the Seven Deadly Sins and they're well known to us all. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride. All the makings of a perfect party. We all know these rules and we all seemingly break them regularly, that's the problem. You see, this makes us all sinners, and sinners go to hell. Lately it seems we've been sinning more than usual. So much so in fact, that everybody's favourite rulers of the world "The Catholic Church" have upgraded the Seven Deadly sins and released 7 new ones to keep the old ones company. Behold "The Seven Modern Mortal Sins". Released by the Vatican a few weeks ago, we've looked over them and we're not too sure if they thought this one through properly. Because of the new rules, the Catholic Church is now living a life of Mortal sin. Here's why...

Environmental pollution If you pollute the environment, then you are now a sinner. Let's start the scrutiny with Gods main representative on earth and see how he fairs out. I'm fairly certain they haven't done an episode of cribs featuring the pope, but if they did, aside from seeing plenty of holy wine in his fridge and scarface in his DVD collection, you would have seen his impressive collection of rides or "Pope-mobiles" as they're called. Past and present models include a Ford Transit truck, a modified Mercedes-Benz jeep and a few Mercedes-Benz four wheel drive SUVs, a GMC Sierra (huge American pick-up truck) and a black 20 foot long V8 Lehmann limousine, none of which run on carrot juice. The Pope regularly travels around the world spreading the word of the gospel and greeting his many worshippers from the back of his fuel-guzzling Pope-Mobiles. So if the new rules are correct, that means the man himself is a regular mortal sinner. And we all know where mortal sinners go..

Violation of fundamental rights of human nature Human nature, what is it? Basically the cycle goes like this. Our parents bump into each other, talk some shit, get drunk and do the dirty. Nine sweaty months later we are born. We grow up and do the same. The cycle continues. You're born, you mate, and you die. Sounds great, doesn't it? You might even have time to squeeze in some foreplay if you're quick. We're not saying in modern day Ireland that this is what everybody wants, you don't have to go down that road if you don't want to, but you do have the right to choose. The Catholic Church doesn't allow any of its priests to ever get married or to have kids. This violates the number one right of human nature. This is now a mortal sin and even though we don't like to point it out for fear of god's wrath, the church is now a mortal sinner.

Accumulating excessive wealth If you get too rich, you're going to hell. Again, we're going to play the "we don't like pointing it out" card because we're afraid the outcome will include us being fried to death by bolts of lightning from above, but Vatican City is loaded to the balls. As a lazy reporter, a quick check on Wikipedia tells me that in 2003 (We like to keep things up to date) the Vatican spent 264 million US Dollars in total. Probably on petrol. Now that doesn't necessarily mean that they're rich so they may be off the hook on this one. They may just have had loads of bills and had to borrow all that and are now really really broke. Poverty stricken even. But that's where the bad news continues, because..


Inflicting poverty You can't inflict poverty on anyone, even yourself. If you do, you go to hell. That's bad news for all those priests that dedicated their lives to the missions and took a vow of poverty, inflicting it upon themselves. That's a mortal sin too. I wonder what the average APR rate is in hell?

Morally debatable experiments This really does prove that they wrote these sins over lunch. This isn't even a real sin! If it's morally debatable, then it's not officially wrong. It's still open to debate. Some people will agree, some will disagree. Surely only the results of the experiment can yield an answer, meaning you should do the experiment and find out! They should have said "Morally incorrect experiments". Duu.

Genetic Manipulation If you've harvested yourself a six-pack and some bulging biceps to impress the ladies, the new rules say you're a sinner. The lads might be safe here, there aren't many clerics running around Baywatch style, not that I know of. No point growing yourself a hot body when you're just gonna be reincarnated as somebody else anyway. The only real case of genetic manipulation we can think of in the bible was when Jesus cloned all those loaves and fishes, but that was for a good cause so it's forgivable. Next!

Drug trafficking and consumption. If you consume, distribute or supply any sort of drug then you're going to hell. Lets take alcohol for instance, recently voted the world's fifth most harmful drug. If you've ever been to mass you might have seen the bit near the end where they take worshippers up on stage and pass around the chalice of wine, openly distributing one of the worlds most harmful drugs during the sermon. My god, the sinning continues. You could also include caffeine, chocolate, tobacco and we all know how much priests love a drop of whiskey! So as you can see under the new Seven Modern Mortal Sins, pretty much anything that moves has a good chance of being condemned to a life in the flames, including the church itself. However, there is no need to worry. If you currently violate any of these rules and are worried about going to hell, we have the answer. Just switch religion! We're searched the web and found some real alternatives. There's plenty to choose from including the Church of Elvis, The Church of Cash, The Church of Monday Night Football, The Church of Spongebob Squarepants. even the Church of Flying Spaghetti Monster! They're all real churches and we've printed a full list with web links on iNFLUX.ie. With nothing but Hell to look forward to, it's got to be worth a look.


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iNFLUX Student Guide 2008 - Version 1  

The iNFLUX Student Guide 2008 will be distributed to every single new fresher in the country this September. Thats 50,000 students in 31 col...