Edition No.2 April 2014
“Who’s pucking tonight?!” – The Periodical for the Shuffleboard Select Committee
Chairman’s Beef What a great month! It was fantastic to see so many people turn up for our first open invitational. We also welcomed three new members to the committee. It was brought to my attention that the American sport of pinball is a women’s version of shuffleboard. I hate Americans. And Women!
Chairman Luke “Slim” Allen
Vice Chair’s “Big Vice” I’d like to echo the comments of our chairman
Vice Chairman Matt “Big Vice” Row
Shufflers of Note Fred Dibnah OBE, steeplejack When people think of Fred Dibnah, the first thing that often springs to mind is his love of cookery. But what you may not be aware of is that Fred loved a game of shuffleboard. When he wasn’t suspended from a harness toppling another chimney to build a kitchen in its place, ol’ shufflejack as he was known could be found on the boards of his beloved Bristol or Cornwall (ed - I can’t remember where he was from). So here’s to you Ol’ Shufflejack, may you rest in pieces (like your chimneys!) Words by Keir Windsor Shufflers’ Digest is sponsored by
Carol and David’s Campervan weekends! We are happy to accept families, couples, game animals and on designated autumn weekends, swingers. We will not tolerate terrorists .
Join the committee! There are no vacancies on the committee.
Dates for the diary Open invitational II The second of our opens. Hopefully there will be more shuffling and less punching this time! 7pm till late Pub
Meat Raffle To raise funds for a new oven, live meat will be raffled off. Tickets are imaginary. 7pm till late Pub
My good times “Big Vice” Matt Row explains how he taught shuffleboard to Rastafarians who weren’t really interested 7pm Pub
Fashion Corner Chinos Named after the Italian word for sports casual ‘chinosportellia‘, a pair of chinos often indicates that the wearer is ready for adventure, but with a G&T in hand of course! This is clearly the attitude that can turn any semi-pro into a dominator of the board. So as the old saying goes – clothes maketh the man – SD advises that you invest in a pair right away! *They should not be worn at funerals
Equipment Exchange Speed boat I live alone and predominantly on land, so have no need for it. Ideal for drugs etc… 99 or nearest offer. Picture of man with friends Came free with frame for photograph. I do not know them, but they seem friendly. Nice on your wall? 20p
Board varnish In a range of colours including brown, off-brown and semiyellow. £5 per pot / £15 for 3 Board talc In a range of particle sizes including nuclear, off-nuclear and semi-atomic. Perfect for dusting boards / self before play. £5 per tube / £16 for 3
“My favourite position? On the deck, baby!*” said Paula, 23, without being prompted, oddly. After SD caught its breath, Paula told us “Married men are
my favourite to play with**, they always slide really well!***” * I like sex on the floor ** Married men are better at sex than single men *** Married men have slipperier penises
What the Puck?! – Your letters! Sirs, This is great! But, Gerard Depardieu the "Italian Stallion"? He's the Frenchest man on the planet, non? Shuffle on, Jon (Member, London Division) Response – Well spotted Jon! Let’s have a kiss and a cuddle.
Appointments This month, the committee welcomed three new members. Paul Moore – Treasurer & International Shuffle Relations. Paul joins us with a wealth of experience that we think he has, but might not. Nisha Patel – Community Outreach Officer & Member for Ethnic Sports. We welcome Nisha as a sort of Kofi Annan type person. Rianne Mason – Secretary. Rianne will provide results and features on all of our sporting activities, like Des Lynam, or worse, Steve Ryder
Thought for the board “Give me a puck and a stick, and I will move the earth” Plato
Next Issue What Car? Magazines ‘car of the year’ (accidentally) Chairman Slim argues with himself If you would like to contribute, contact Matt ‘Big Vice’ Row
Ancient Greek shuffleboard player and ginormous man
Results and international news
Foreigners Paul Moore
We are delighted to announce that foreign correspondent Paul Moore has done a baby with his winkle, and so won’t be writing anything this month. He is too tired as he puts a lot of effort into sex. (Well done).
Grandstand Results, commentary and photography from this month’s sexy invitational.
Members of the Shuffleboard Select Committee proudly shop at
Double Shuffle For all your shuffling needs – under one roof ! (+ conservatory)
Paul vs Luke Donna vs Rianne Katherine vs Martin Danni vs Pete – Danni (default) Rowbo vs Mattman Nisha vs Chrissy – Nisha (overruling decision) Christine Morely vs Liz Holloway (yet to contend)
“It was lovely” D. Hearnshaw “There is no democracy” Chairman Slim
Shuffling in the community Nisha Patel discusses the Indian cousin of table top shuffleboard Carrom (also known as Karrom) is a "strike and pocket" table game of Eastern origin similar to billiards and table shuffleboard. It is found throughout the East under different names though most non-eastern people know it by the East Asian name of Carroms (or Karrom). It is very popular in Nepal, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and surrounding areas. In South Asia, many clubs and cafés hold regular tournaments. It’s a cool game and I rock at it… Well, I used to!
Next Additional Paul will keep his winkle to himself Nisha will look at more pages on Wikipedia Rianne will report from Old Trafford in a confusing match analysis If you would like to contribute, contact Matt ‘Big Vice’ Row
Next matches to be played over the first and second hour of April 25. Draw to be made by Chairman Slim and guest, Elaine Paige.