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Sound Smart at a Party You should really think before you call a morning radio show. If not, you

may end up like Susan Cole, a Denver woman who was charged with perjury after she bragged to a radio station that she pretended to be mentally ill to get out of jury duty. Cole told deejays that last summer she showed up for jury selection in hair curlers, wearing mismatched shoes, reindeer socks and a t-shirt that read, “Ask me about my best seller.” She was dismissed after she told the judge that she gets confused in the morning and suffers from posttraumatic stress disorder. Unfortunately for Cole, the judge happened to be listening to the show, remembered the incident and turned her in. So, she’s going back to court after all. Only this time she’s the defendant…

or exercise did better than the control group, but not as well as the group that had both. The findings were presented to the delegates at the American Association for Cancer Research Annual Meeting 2012. Love bacon? Now you can be one with it for eternity. A company has

created a bacon coffin. Unfortunately, the coffin itself is not actually made from bacon, but it’s painted to look like a savory strip of bacon and the baconscented air freshener inside the coffin will make it smell like the real thing. There’s also a “bacon memorial tube”, though we aren’t quite sure what that means. This isn’t the weirdest product from J&D Foods, a company that specializes in bacon. That title would go to the bacon-flavored lubricant (yes, A new study suggests that the that kind of lubricant). ANYWAY, the combination of caffeine and exercise coffins are available for $2,999.95, plus can lessen the risk of developing skin shipping… one police officer, Foley would pick out cancers caused by exposure to the sun. attractive women from the company’s Researchers put mice into four groups The next time you want to complain database of worker profiles, then relieve exposed to UVB radiation. One group about how disgusting your coworkers himself on their chairs during offwas a control, one was given caffeine, are, be grateful you don’t work at Farm hours. The security cameras were set another was given an exercise wheel and Bureau Financial Services. Raymond up after the women complained about the last had both caffeine and exercise. Charles Foley, an IT worker at the suspicious stains on their chairs. (Side They found that after 14 weeks the last company, was allegedly caught on note: how did they not smell it?) Last group had 62 percent fewer melanoma surveillance video urinating on four week Foley was caught peeing on all skin cancer cells than the other groups female co-workers’ chairs over a period four chairs. Those women must be so did. The groups that used either caffeine of at least five months. According to pissed off…

Not only will I be shining a spotlight on the best that Broadway has to offer, but hopefully I’ll score some free house seats to a show—or five!” —actor Neil Patrick Harris in a statement announcing he will be back for his third turn hosting the Tony Awards on June 10. In this Feb. 12, 2012, photo, Neil Patrick Harris arrives at the 54th annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello, File)

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Letters To the Press College Grads Need Not Apply Kevin Ryan’s article in the Long Island Press was very true [“Major Concern,” March 29]. Many of the young people worked hard and are going nowhere. The student loans are so large, I feel bad for them. One thing I am concerned about is all the added teachers who are still working, if you call it that. The subs do a lot of their work. Age should be considered. When you get a nice pension and social security, make room for young people in the workforce. And why should people be working at age 82? Give young people those jobs. The author did not get all the details of what should be considered in employing people. If you don’t know someone, you won’t get through the door. Many people are hired because of who they knew, not what they know. Name withheld Take a Chance on Belmont In reply to Spencer Rumsey’s article [“A Shinnecock Casino at Belmont? Don’t Bet on It,” Jan. 26], why not have some experts survey this matter of what takes place in this community and surrounding areas? If a multi-mega convention center is built there, what will happen to it? Surely some studies have been done. Before an environment is changed forever, let’s see what takes place so we can decide whether to proceed. Yes, there is controversy, but things are always changing. Just think about all the money people have to spend. Perhaps there could be a happy

medium for all. Perhaps not a mega convention cecnter, but to be in the game, and keep our money right here. On some level. Somewhere. We don’t have to be No. 1 in casino gambling, but let’s see if we can get a piece of the pie. This is a business like any other. Before we reject this proposal, let’s study it fully. Do we want to send our money elsewhere and wave goodbye to it? Sincerely, Diane Balducci New Hyde Park Defending King In response to Ms. Judith Zinn’s letter regarding Congressman Peter King [“Letters to the Editor,” March 29], I would ask her to venture away from Laurel Hollow for a guided tour of lower Manhattan so she can see the results of the work of the people she claims Rep. King targets unfairly. Then, on the way home, she can stop and thank Peter King. Robert Palermo Seaford

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C Ex h pre ec ko ss ut

The Target Pink

FDA

ey Romn

Yahoo n

Ashto Strip es h Searc

The Pink Slip

Mitt Romney—bull’s eye After sweeping primaries in Wisconsin, Maryland and Washington D.C., R-Money is closer to clinching the Republican presidential nomination. Well, he may not be exciting, but he sure is preferable to Santorum. Of course, approximately 83 percent of nonincarcerated Americans meet that standard, so…

Slime

Mali Coup Leader Mali hasn’t been heard from much since Ry Cooder teamed up with its top musician, Ali Farka Touré, on the Grammyaward winning album “Talking Timbuktu”— and with good reason. The land-locked African country near Senegal and the Ivory Coast has been a peaceful democracy for two decades. But the news out of there this week sounds like a broken record: A military coup by a bunch of disgruntled soldiers. Capt. Amadou Haya Sanogo took over on March 21, and the duly-elected president has been in hiding ever since. The US, France and the European Union cut all but essential humanitarian aid. This week Sanogo defied an economic embargo imposed by the Economic Community of West African States that he restore civilian rule within 72 hours. About 15 million people live in this nation about twice the size of France, and because of the tightening squeeze on their borders they face the prospect of “no gas, no electricity, no food” during the hottest month of their year. They need relief but all they’ve gotten so far is a promise from Sanogo that he’ll hold a national convention to cure his country because “our Mali is sick in the depths of her being.” He’s the malady, not Mali. Sanogo, you’ve got to go. Hang up your uniform, you two-bit despot, you’re fired.

FDA—off target Although plastic-hardening chemical bisphenol-A (BPA) is found in the bodies of 90 percent of Americans due to the substance leaching out of food and beverage containers, the Food and Drug Administration rejects a petition to ban BPA from all food and drink packaging, citing insufficient scientific evidence to justify the restrictions. Hey, just because we’re all full of plastic-hardening chemicals doesn’t mean it’s bad for us!

Yahoo—off target The one-time Internet giant lays off 2,000 employees, roughly 14 percent of its workforce, as the first stage of new “streamlining” initiatives. Well what’s their business model nowadays? Hosting fantasy baseball leagues and relying on people to be too lazy to abandon their @ yahoo.com email addresses? Strip Searches—off target The Supreme Court rules 5-to-4 that officials may strip-search, without reasonable cause, people arrested for any offense, no matter how small, before admitting them to jails. Two thoughts: (1) This is a total abomination of justice! And (2), if only Bernie Madoff could have been subjected to it before getting locked up! Pink Slime—partial score The controversy over “lean, finely textured beef ” has claimed its first corporate victim: AFA Foods, a ground beef processor in Pennsylvania, is seeking bankruptcy protection, citing media coverage of pink slime as the cause. That’s what we’re here for! Ashton—partial score An indie biopic on the life of Steve Jobs is scheduled for filming next month, and Ashton Kutcher has signed on to play the part of the late Apple founder. Thank God, Steve Jobs isn’t here to witness this.

The Quote “The nicest lady in the world, she stopped me, asked me where I was heading. I said ‘30 Rock’ and she said [to her husband], ‘Oh honey, I told you, Tina Fey is here!’”

The Photo A tornado touches down in Lancaster, south of Dallas, texas, on April 3, 2012. Tornadoes tore through the area Tuesday, peeling roofs off homes, tossing big-rig trucks into the air and leaving flattened tractor trailers strewn along highways and parking lots. (AP Photo/The Dallas Morning News, Parrish Velasco)

— Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin to NBC’s Matt Lauer on Today, during her stint as guest host, opposite Katie Couric’s week-long hosting gig on Good Morning America on ABC.

March 26: Jeremy Lin has MRI on sore knee

March 28: Deadline for Knicks season- ticket holders to purchase playoffs tickets

March 31: Knicks announce Lin’s MRI revealed torn meniscus; Lin to have season-ending surgery

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Daily News: “The Knicks were eventually going to get around to revealing the troubling results of Jeremy Lin’s MRI but certainly not before [march 28].”

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Cablevision/MSG: “[Daily News publisher Mort] Zuckerman is engaging in a campaign of intimidation and extortion to effect a merger between Newsday and the Daily News.”

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3. GET TICKETS FOR THE FIRST MACABRE FAIRE ON LONG ISLAND: For those of you seeking some dark and mysterious entertainment, head to Rockville Centre—yes, RVC—for a weekend (April 13-15) of gothic fashion, horror and indie films, live performances, magicians and more. Tickets to partake in this first-ever celebration of the unusual are only $10. Visit www. livingdeadmafia.com to get yours early.

4. WATCH THE SHANNAN GILBERT EPISODE OF DISAPPEARED: The dramatic Investigation Discovery series comes a little closer to home in its next episode “Footprints in the Sand,” which focuses on the mystery surrounding Gilbert’s disappearance from Oak Beach and the even bigger mystery of her body’s discovery across the street from the bodies of 10 others found along the beachfront Ocean Parkway. The episode airs April 9 on Discovery ID at 9 p.m. 5. AUDITION FOR ANTHEM IDOL: Have you ever dreamed of singing the national anthem in front of thousands of baseball fans? Well, now’s your chance. The Long Island Ducks, in conjunction with 106.1 WBLI, will hold their annual Anthem Idol with contestants vying for six anthem openings in front of Ducks on-field host Paul DeGrocco, WBLI personality Syke, and a Ducks player. Following Anthem Idol, the Ducks will host tryouts for on-field host and public address announcer positions (start time is approximately 12 noon). For more information, call 631-940-DUCK or visit www. liducks.com. If you want to be Quacker Jack, sorry, that job’s taken!

6. YOUTUBE “LINDSAY LOHAN 25 YEARS”: A 60-second visual of why you shouldn’t do drugs, kids. The video description reads: Changes in Lindsay Lohan’s face over her short life—The shocking effects of drugs and alcohol on one of Hollywood’s brightest rising stars. Watch it, then put down the pipe. 7. GOOGLE “JERRY SEINFELD OWNS TMZ PHOTOG IN NYC”: When a member of the TMZ crew spotted Jerry Seinfeld riding his bike through the streets of NYC this week, he tried to engage the comedian in some Q&A for the camera. Jerry didn’t think the guy was doing a very good job, so he schooled him on the topics he should be asking about—like pterodactyls and faux-hawks. 8. BUY PEEPS MERCH: Peeps Lenox, mugs, golf balls, stuffed animals and beach towels? Yes, please! From the PJs with the Peeps’ motto, “Inside we’re all the same,” to the “Imagine world Peeps…” ladies’ tee, everyone’s favorite marshmallow company doesn’t specialize in sugar-coated bunnies and chicks. At www.peepsandcompany.com, Just Born has an entire line of Sweet Gear from home and office accessories to baby clothes for the Peeps lover in all of us. 9. TIVO TITANIC: THE FINAL WORD WITH JAMES CAMERON: Cameron, who has made more than 30 dives to explore the Titanic wreck, brings together a team of engineers, naval architects, artists and historians to solve the lingering mysteries of why and how an “unsinkable” ship sank. With their combined expertise and his underwater footage, they’ll examine the feature film and determine what technology has revealed since its first release. The documentary premieres April 8 at 8 p.m. on National Geographic. 10. CELEBRATE! Mercury is no longer in retrograde as of April 4, meaning that all the crap you’ve been dealing with is hopefully coming to an end—if that’s not worth celebrating, we don’t know what is. But it’s also Easter and Passover this weekend. The holidays fall only one day apart this year, so for those who celebrate both, looks like you’re in for one helluva busy weekend—enjoy! News

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2. LOOK FOR SEA CLIFF NATIVE ON SNL: The newest addition to the Saturday Night Live cast, 28-year-old Kate McKinnon, makes her debut on April 7. McKinnon is not only from Long Island but is making SNL history as the first out lesbian on the show in its 37 years on air. She has previously starred on The Big Gay Sketch Show and is part of local improv group, Upright Citizens Brigade.

The Rundown

1. GOOGLE “BAD EASTER PHOTOS”: If you think about it, putting a baby in the arms of a giant rabbit with glasses and a neon vest could be bordering on child abuse. But it’s an annual tradition for many of us, one we look forward to every year. And while some kids love the Easter Bunny, others—not so much. Check out this gallery compiled on the Ellen Degeneres Show website featuring dozens of the latter. It just may be the best thing you see all week.

The Book IN THE WATER THEY CAN’T SEE YOU CRY BY AMANDA BEARD At the age of 14, Amanda Beard walked onto the pool deck at the Atlanta Olympics carrying her teddy bear, Harold, and left with two silvers and a gold medal. She competed in three more Olympic games, winning a total of seven medals, and enjoyed a lucrative modeling career on the side. At one point, she was the most downloaded female athlete on the Internet. Yet, despite her astonishing career and sex-symbol status, Amanda felt unworthy of all her success. Unaware that she was suffering from clinical depression, she hid the pain. With no other outlet for her feelings outside of the pool, Amanda expressed her emotions through self-destructive behavior. In her late teens and twenties, she became bulimic, abused drugs and alcohol, and started cutting herself. Her low self-esteem led to toxic relationships with high-profile men in the sports world. No one, not even her own parents and friends, knew about the turmoil she was going through. Only when she met her future husband, who discovered her cutting herself, did Amanda realize she needed help. Through her renewed faith in herself; the love of her family; and finally the birth of her baby boy, Blaise, Amanda has transformed her life. In these pages, she speaks frankly about her struggles with depression, the pressures to be thin, and the unhealthy relationships she confused for love. In the Water They Can’t See You Cry is a raw, compelling story of a woman who gained the strength to live as bravely out of the water as she did in it. Beard will sign copies of and speak about her memoir on Thursday, 4.5 at 7 p.m. at the Book Revue in Huntington.—Daphne Livingston

1 Trillion The amount of student loan debt in the U.S. The average debt per student recently hit $25,000, a 25 percent increase over the past decade.

B-List B-Day SHANNEN “I REALLY AM A WITCH!” DOHERTY April 12, 1971 Known for her lead roles in shows like Beverly Hills, 90210 and Charmed—as well as being a royal pain in the toukas on every set she’s every entered—Shannen Doherty is an Aries, a fire sign with a quick temper. Doherty was written off Beverly Hills, 90210 after constantly clashing with the cast and crew. She was later killed off Charmed due to tensions with co-star Alyssa Milano. But her temperamental attitude isn’t the only thing this Aries is known for… She’s also bounced more than 70 checks, pulled a gun on her ex-fiance, been hit with DWI charges, and done nude spreads in Playboy. Her most recent work is replacing that super annoying rapping waitress in the Education Connection commercials.

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Off the Reservation BY Jed Morey, Publisher, Long Island press Facebook.com/JedMorey

@JedMorey

The Book of Morgan In the beginning, there was oil. Well, not exactly oil but its ingredients. Once-living organisms became one with the planet upon their deaths, eventually breaking down and congealing over millions of years to form the lubricious substance we know today as oil. Time, heat and pressure created the necessary conditions to concoct this lifeblood of modern human existence. Today, as we stare at the rising price of gasoline with bewilderment, we wonder how it came to be that something so ubiquitous could be so expensive. For the past few years I have written a great deal on this very subject and have come to the conclusion that while peak oil is a real phenomenon not just a theory, our ingenuity has held this reality at bay for the time being. Furthermore, the forces that cause price spikes and volatility in oil and the commodities markets as a whole have little to do with actual market conditions such as supply and demand. The investment banking industry, with the assistance of the federal government, has surreptitiously hijacked the oil business over the past decade and caused the price of oil to skyrocket. But this is rarely the story that is told in the media. And because the subject matter is so dense, it’s difficult to

The story itself is an age-old chronicle of greed and corruption filled with intrigue and dirty dealings. It illustrates how Morgan Stanley, among others, took the hidden world of commodities trading from a $10 billion industry to a $450 billion business by maneuvering through generous loopholes created by Congress. It shows how Morgan Stanley not only dominates the trading arena but how it has become a full-fledged Big Oil company from transportation to terminal storage to having an ownership stake in the very exchange

www.longislandpress.com/bookofmorgan explain. It’s complicated and boring. No way around it. So instead of banging the oil drum here for the umpteenth time to no avail as I watch pundits butcher the subject and politicians lie through their teeth to the American people, I have decided that a change of venue is in order. To properly explain why oil prices are so high, I enlisted the support of my friends Doug Wood and Rob Bellon to help me tell the story a little differently. In lieu of my normal offering in Off The Reservation, we have produced an 8-minute video called “The Book of Morgan,” which tells how investment banking giant Morgan Stanley came to rule the oil world.

that half of the world’s oil is traded on. So with that, I invite you to watch the video and judge for yourself why the price of oil has skyrocketed. The purpose of presenting it this way is to open more eyes as to how rotten our system truly is and to elevate the dialogue about one of the most crucial economic elements of our daily lives. In the next several months we will be bombarded with finger pointing and accusations with respect to gasoline prices as the presidential campaign heats up. But few of the arguments you will hear will resemble the truth. For the truth, my friends, can only be found in the gospel according to Wall Street−and “The Book of Morgan.”

to comment on “Off the Reservation” email jed at JMorey@longislandpress.com

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By Beverly Fortune

Presented by

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Compassion, Love, Kindness Liz O’Shaughnessy President and Executive Director CoLoKi, Inc.

Liz O’Shaughnessy read a Long Island Press cover story in 2008 about the plight of Hispanic day laborers and decided she had to do something to help them. She collected her son’s clothing that he’d outgrown, and went to the dilapidated trailer near the Freeport Home Depot where the men gathered each day hoping to find work. The Merrick mother of two—with a son now in college and a daughter in high school—had no trouble finding the trailer even though it is located in

a heavily industrialized area off Sunrise Highway and out of public view. At the time Catholic Charities was operating the site so the men would have a safer place to connect with contractors than congregating beside the busy highway. “It was a cold November day and the trailer was packed with men,” recalls Liz. She knocked on the door and a priest welcomed her inside. He told her, “Just treat the men with dignity.” “I walked in and it just resonated with me,” Liz remembers. She began volunteering at the trailer three times a week and organized an ESL class, even though she didn’t speak Spanish herself. Liz was more than disappointed when Catholic Charities lost its funding for the hiring

Beauty without end.

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site and had to shut it down. The Next Fortune 52 Liz was determined to get the Networking Event trailer reopened, so she contacted will be Monday, JUNE 25, 2012, at TANGER every organization she could think of OUTLETS AT THE ARCHES from 6 - 8pm. to be a part of this evenT, email Beverly at who might help. Finally, she got some bfortune@longislandpress com. key advice from Sister Jean Kelly, who /////////////////////// runs the Interfaith Nutrition Network (INN). To keep the workers occupied, Liz “She told me to form my own non- procured a few donated laptops loaded profit and take over the trailer,” Liz says. with Rosetta Stone software so they Even though she had no experience can learn English. operating a non-profit, her financial “We teach them how to use a background helped get her through the computer and then we can’t get them red tape and paperwork that launching to stop using it,” she smiles. To further a non-profit entails. With a grant their language skills, Martha Herrera from the Hagedorn Wong, a volunteer, Foundation and teaches ESL at the assistance from site once a week. her parents, Liz On a recent founded CoLoKi, visit, some men were Inc. (a contraction outside having a of “compassion, friendly and spirited love, kindness”) soccer match while to oversee the they waited for operation. contractors to hire Since Liz took them. over, the surround“To have this ing area has been area available where cleaned up and the they can have games trailer has had a and get exercise is major facelift, both so important,” Liz inside and out. says. With spring With its exterior underway, they now painted bright were readying a plot red with white trim, it is a welcome behind the trailer for an organic garden sight to local undocumented workers and were eager to start planting. looking for a day’s pay. “These men have hours of Previously, the man with the boredom,” Liz says. “They miss their highest poker hand would decide who family.” would be first on the jobs-wanted list. A lot of activity goes on inside Liz implemented a new system and this 50-foot trailer. Besides being a now the men have a sign-in sheet and respite for the 75 to 100 men who are selected in the order in which they come for a hot meal and a job, it serves arrived. The early arrivals get the top as a classroom, a dining room, a family spots, not the best poker player. room and an office. To many, it’s the But being an early bird doesn’t closest thing they have to home. guarantee a job. Work is still scarce. “Keeping them fed and occupied Because the men don’t qualify for keeps them off the streets,” Liz unemployment, health insurance, food explains. “We want them to come to stamps or any other government assis- the trailer.” tance, they have almost no safety net for Liz hopes that spring will bring emergencies. CoLoKi more jobs. Until then, can’t offer financial assisshe’ll continue to tance, so the group does provide a safe place for what it can to help them them to congregate. 2011 Column of the Year in other ways. “The moment I “We open at 5:30 a.m. so they can stepped inside here, I never wanted have a hot meal before they start their to leave,” she says. “I know these men day,” Liz says. just want to work.” Liz usually arrives about 8 a.m. and stays until her work is done. She For more information or to volunteer tries to keep the trailer open as long as possible, especially in the winter when or donate, contact Liz at Lizosh@ymail. the men have no other respite from com or call 516-442-0955 or go to www. CoLoKi.com the cold weather.

...A priest welcomed her inside... he told her, “Just treat the men with dignity.”

If you know a super woman who deserves good Fortune—and a profile— e-mail your nominations to Beverly at bfortune@longislandpress.com.

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APRIL 9-14 C R E AT E Y O U R O W N S T Y L E C O N T E S T S AT U R D AY, A P R I L 1 4 • 2PM

Watch six local finalists compete on stage to win one of two $500 Tanger Shopping Sprees for Best Style and Best Value. See the hottest looks of the season and learn how to create your own look – TangerStyle.

FREE FRESHWATER CULTURED PEARLS The first 100 attendees to check in at the Tanger Fashion Stage at 2pm will receive a FREE strand of freshwater cultured pearls. SPRING FASHION SHOWCASE Come see the new arrivals by Andrew Marc, Talbots and Wilsons Leather.

STILETTO SPRINT S AT U R D AY, A P R I L 1 4 • 4PM

Grab your favorite pair of 2” plus pumps and race to the finish line in Tanger’s Stiletto Sprint. Shoppers ages 15 and over are invited to race down the 100-yard track to win a $250 Tanger Shopping Spree.* Visit tangeroutlet.com/stilettosprint for registration and details. *Contestants under the age of 18 must have parent present to register.

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THANK YOU LONG ISLAND FOR VOTING

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How much did that JetBlue pilot going bonkers scare you? Let me tell you, it has me petrified. But if I know JetBlue, they are going to turn our fears of getting on a plane with a loony pilot into a profit center for their airline. Ever notice how, when you fly JetBlue, they charge you for everything? Earphones are $2. If your luggage is overweight by a few ounces, there’s a “fat luggage” charge. If you want to sit in a comfortable seat instead of being scrunched up like a dog, there’s a new JetBlue charge called Even More™ Space seats, which you pay extra for extra legroom, early boarding and early access to overhead bins. What do you want to bet that in the future JetBlue will add an additional charge? When you buy your ticket, they’ll ask: Would you like to fly with a sane pilot who has been examined by a licensed psychiatrist? Or do you want to take a chance on someone who we’ve noticed has been acting strange lately? Sane pilot flights will only cost $50 more per person, which is better than getting on a plane whose pilot has reported seeing tiny naked men dancing on the wings of his plane. Flying has become a nightmare. Have you been on a plane recently? How much worse can they treat passengers? Aren’t we covered by the Geneva Convention? Take your shoes off … Take your belt off … Take your jewelry off … Remove all liquids from your bag … Open your computer … Then a bell goes off and the next thing you know you’re getting felt up by an unsmiling TSA security agent. (You would think that just once they would take your name and send you flowers the next day after touching the most intimate parts of your body.) Once you’re on the plane, that’s when the fun begins. If you are sitting in seat 3A or B, or 39A or B, you’re screwed. You open the luggage compartment over your seat and it’s filled. Why? Because that’s where the flight attendants store their luggage. Once, when I took down a giant bag over my seat and replaced it with my luggage, I had an irate flight attendant scream at me, “Now, where am I going to put my luggage?” It took every ounce of decency in my body to keep myself from telling her where she could put her luggage.

Once you have dealt with the luggage problem, you have to deal with the seat situation. The airlines have crammed as many seats as they could into their planes. Sitting in a plane is not about comfort any longer, it’s about survival. It is impossible to get into a seat because the aisle space between seats is down to six inches. Soon they will be handing us little jars of Vaseline so that we can grease up our lower bodies and slide into our seats. I have a plan. I think a bunch of us concerned citizens should approach the airlines and announce that we surrender. It’s useless for the American consumer to continue to fight the airlines. They have the planes … they have the destinations … they have everything on their side. As a peace offering, I have an idea where they can fit even more of us into their planes. I suggest they remove all the seats from their planes. I know that on a plane that has 200 seats, one can install up to 300 hooks on the ceiling. So instead of 200 passengers sitting, I suggest that they can have 300 passengers standing or suspended in harnesses that they can attach to the hooks. Now hanging suspended in a harness for hours can be a bit uncomfortable. I have a plan for that, too. My thought is that as you’re getting on the plane, when the attendant takes your ticket, she jabs you on the buttocks with a sedative shot that will keep you asleep for a few hours. When the plane lands, they can give you a few slaps to wake you up, and there you are at your destination – refreshed and raring to go. (I stole this idea from the movie “Coma.”) A few years ago The Wall Street Journal ran a small item that put this airline situation in its proper perspective for me. The item told how Continental Airlines had announced a new pet policy. They were charging more for pets that were accompanying their masters on a plane trip. However, they were installing air-conditioning below so that the dogs would be more comfortable on the ride, and they set up a special pet information booth at the airport so that one could easily set up their pet’s comfortable flight. I read the article and thought to myself, “Those sons of bitches finally did it. Now they’re treating dogs like people and people like dogs.”

If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” email Jerry at jerry@dfjp.com

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Bill Painter simply wanted the truth. About four years ago, the now 50-year-old bayman pulled his skiff near one of the flags delineating shellfish beds the public can harvest in Oyster Bay and those leased from the town by Frank M. Flower & Sons, a commercial shellfishing company, and dug for clams. “Working the line,” he says, unfailingly attracted security boats and inspections of his haul. Like clockwork for the next several days, Flower’s hydraulic suction dredges worked the exact same spot, though with a slight difference, according to Painter, one of roughly 70 remaining baymen who still literally scratch a living raking hard shell clams and oysters from the bottom of the harbor. “The lines always looked different,” he says. Convinced the oyster company had moved the flags separating the grounds—Flower is not permitted to harvest naturally occurring shellfish from public grounds—Painter hailed one of its ship captains and explained his plight. “‘You know, Billy, you’re right,’” he recalls the captain telling him. “‘[But] if I call the office right now and tell them to come out, you’ll probably lose more grounds.’” Painter then appealed to the town’s bay constables, who police the harbor and monitor whether baymen are poaching clams or oysters from Flower’s beds, issuing hefty fines to violators. Painter figured a quick check of the marker’s official GPS coordinates would prove his case. Problem was, he soon discovered, the bay constables didn’t even have the coordinates. Thus began Painter’s quest for the critical data, until just recently, when one of several New York State Freedom of Information Law (FOIL) requests he filed with the town in 2011 was finally answered. Well, sort of. Painter says the numbers are inaccurate, but supplied them to the bay constables, anyway. His struggle to obtain the coordinates sparked an ongoing $750 million lawsuit filed in June 2011 on behalf of the North Oyster Bay Baymen’s Association against Flower, the Town of Oyster Bay and the State of New York, alleging a laundry list of fraud, illegalities, noncompliance and misdeeds spanning the past two decades, after a settlement was hammered out to resolve a 1991 lawsuit filed by baymen alleging many of the same claims made in the most recent complaint. The current litigation paints an unflattering portrait of a company and town perhaps best known for their popular annual oyster festival, which last year drew more than 200,000 people. Flower and Sons, the last of the old, big oyster companies that once dominated the Eastern Seaboard and the only one left in operation not just on Long Island, but in the state, provides the oysters. For a Complete multimedia look at Clam Wars Go to LongIslandPress.com/ClamWars

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hijinks on the high seas: seagulls feed as one of frank m. flower & sons’ hydraulic suction dredges vacuum oysters from the bottom of oyster bay harbor. (bottom) two flower employees repair a damaged flag marking the boundary of a leased shellfish bed. BOTH ACTIVITIES ARE THE SUBJECTS OF A LAWSUIT BY THE NORTH OYSTER BAY BAYMEN’S ASSOCIATION.

Among the baymen’s more damning claims: that the mammoth Flower has been illegally harvesting naturally growing clams and oysters from both leased underwater lands and those that are lawfully only open to the public; that its fleet of hydraulic dredge boats and hydraulic suction dredges have been wreaking havoc on what is recognized as a National Wildlife Refuge; and that the only party privy to the actual coordinates of leased shellfish boundaries, until

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recently, was Flower, which has also been staking the boundaries of the very territory it leases. Besides restitution, the baymen’s suit seeks that leases of underwater shellfish grounds between the town and Flower be declared null and void. It seeks an immediate end to Flower’s use of hydraulic dredges until an environmental review analyzes the techniques’ ramifications to the marine ecosystem, and it is deemed safe to continue. It seeks that Flower adhere

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to the mandates of a 1992 settlement last year announced a shellfish aquaculagreement from their original litiga- ture program in the Great South Bay tion and demands an end to Flower with leases available for $750 an acre. employees’ alleged practice of replacing If Flower was charged similar fair and marking their own shellfish beds, market rates for their leases, argue the which the complaint argues under state baymen, the additional funds could go law only certified land surveyors are to any number of taxpayer subsidies, permitted to do. such as lowering property taxes. By The complaint also demands the their reckoning, Oyster Bay would town comply with multiple FOIL get $1.4 million for the same acreage requests for information filed by that Flower now pays an estimated Painter that seek, among other data, $40,000—that’s with a more than 50 details of the town’s current lease percent rate hike since 1994 factored arrangements with the company for in. the lucrative shellfish beds—which In a recent interview, Oyster Bay net the company between $20 and Town Supervisor John Venditto, who $50 million annually, according to was the town attorney that represented Manta, an online business directory the township in the baymen’s original and network—as well as details of its litigation, referred all further questions lease with Flower for a roughly 6-acre regarding the baymen’s latest lawsuit prime parcel of town-owned water- to Jim Moriarty, his spokesman. Subfront property known as Oystermen’s sequently, a detailed list of questions Dock. The baymen want to know for Venditto was sent to Moriarty— exactly how much Flower is paying including requests for much of the per acre and how much the company information sought by Painter as well has been paying for lease of the dock, as a follow-up interview with the superwhere it stores its fleet. visor—but the town did not respond as On that topic, a FOIL request of press time. came back saying: “The results of our Questioned about the dispute two search reveal there are no such records,” months ago by a Press reporter, the which the baymen interpret as the supervisor said: town giving prime waterfront public “Flower is the sine qua non,” lands to the corporation, for free. which roughly translates to “without The 1994 lease between Flower which not.” and the town—which Berger and the “What I think the bottom line baymen dispute the on the answer’s going legitimacy of, since to be is that there’s this it was signed by image of Flower that Franklin B. Flower somehow they have and by neither of the monopolized the seed company’s current harbor arrangement,” owners—states the Venditto explained. “I yearly rent due as understand that. The $14.47 per acre for other side of the coin is 1,829.8 acres through if it weren’t for Flower, September 2024, with I don’t know if there adjustments every would be any oysters. three years “to reflect “I don’t know if increases in the cost of we would be able to oyster bay town supervisor living.” In comparimaintain the harbor john venditto son, the Town of Islip

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and make it as productive as it is without Flower,” he added. “I believe that’s the bottom line.” Flower deferred all questions for this article to their attorney, Gary Ettelman, founding partner of Garden City-based Ettelman & Hochheiser, P.C., who categorically denied and dismissed all the baymen’s claims, as well as the legitimacy of their latest litigation. “We’re confident that the claims that they’ve asserted—since they’re the same claims that they asserted 20 years ago—were resolved 20 years ago, and involved issues that were completed by the Flower Company and town over 20 years ago, and were done,” says Ettelman. “So we expect it’ll be dismissed. “The fact is this is pure and simple harassment,” he adds. “Total harassment.” Painter and fellow baymen Jim Schultz, the baymen group’s president Bill Fetzer, Fred Menges and Craig Oddo—all named as plaintiffs in the current litigation—profess that what the whole dispute really boils down to is protecting their way of life for the next generation of baymen. “Flower says they put the oyster back in Oyster Bay, but they put the oysters on their own leases for themselves. They don’t put any back to the public,” says Schultz. “There’s millions and millions of dollars’ worth of shellfish coming out of this bay and it goes into the three owners’ pockets. You’ve got a good, clean, productive bay here. There’s 70 licensed baymen that work on it, part-time, full-time, that deserve a better shake than what’s going on.” “This is David versus Goliath,” adds the baymen’s Huntington-based attorney Darrin Berger.

‘The Office’ Painter’s days on the water have been starting exceptionally late in recent months due to his constant trips to Oyster Bay Town Hall to file and follow-up his many FOIL requests, but a clam-digger’s morning typically begins several hours before sunrise. On some days, Oyster Bay Harbor resembles an otherworldly place, where heaven touches the water and the sky and sea are transposed atop the smooth, shiny glass like a mirror. Miles upon miles of its breathtaking surface spread out as far as the eye can see, bending along sandy shorelines and lapping the private beaches of multi-million-dollar mansions that dot its Gatsby-esque landscape. The estuary has been a prime spot for shellfishing for several hundred years, with the Town of Oyster Bay tracing its ownership back to colonial times. Once the waters were teeming 16

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“The Bald Eagles are doing better than we are. We are definitely on the endangered species list, all fishermen.” —Bill “Duckman” Fetzer, North Oyster Bay Baymen’s Association

scratching out a living: (clockwise from top) north oyster bay baymen’s association president jim schultz and members bill painter, bill “duckman” fetzer and fred menges hand rake the bottom of oyster bay in search of clams and oysters they can sell to restaurants, every day, all year long. among other demands of their lawsuit, they seek more shellfish lands for the public.

with hundreds of small commercial clammers, oystermen and fishermen, while large shellfish companies similar to Flower plied the waters of many of LI’s other plentiful clam and oyster grounds—the Great South Bay and Northport Harbor were just two. Once-bountiful beds became more and more poisoned by stormwater runoff, chemical contamination and nitrogen pollution from human wastewater. Then mammoth dredges stripped the harbor bottoms of naturally occurring shellfish, marine life and vegetation. Now, the centuries-old tradition of shellfishing off the Island has trickled down to small pockets of hangers-on. In that respect, Oyster Bay offers a glimpse back in time, as Flower and Sons remains the

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last of the big oyster companies, having been in operation for more than 100 years. Their farming and harvesting, along with the take of the baymen, constitutes up to 90 percent of New York State’s annual oyster crop and up to 33 percent of the state’s hard clam crop, according to nonprofit Friends of the Bay—a group that has also come under fire from the baymen for their silence on Flower’s dubious dredging practices. Thus, the colorful band of baymen so vocal now represents what has been a vanishing livelihood. Clam and oyster digging is hard, back-breaking work, and as romantic as the lifestyle may appear to day-tripping outsiders, the baymen know all too well that such a paradise can just

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as easily become pure hell on Earth depending upon the mood swings of Mother Nature. At 16 cents a clam and with a 10 bushel town limit, a dedicated digger can make several hundred dollars for a hard day’s work. The same baymen can also go home empty-handed due to any number of impossibly unpredictable factors, such as a sudden storm, problems with a boat or gear, or say, a sore shoulder. Raking the bottom of the bay for clams—typically done by consistently lifting, scraping, pushing and rotating a clam rake attached to the end of a 12- to 84-foot telescoping pipe—can be physically grueling labor, especially for several hours at a clip. There’s no boss to report to, no dress code to follow, no need to get a note from the doctor if you don’t show up any particular morning or want to sleep in for a bit. Once you purchase a boat, which runs approximately $12,000 used, and various other pieces of equipment, such as a cull rack to measure your catch with—shellfish that pass between its 1-inch spaced bars are too small and tossed back in— there’s minimal overhead, other than an annual re-painting, daily fuel and maintenance. But there’s also no corporate benefits. No health insurance, dental or retirement plan. If you have a family and own a home, a missed or off-day on the water could mean the mortgage doesn’t get paid or the children aren’t fed. The clams must be raked, no matter the coldest winter or the most sweltering summer—and injuries can happen at any time. Any time spent out of your boat is lost revenue. Still, for baymen like Fetzer, who’s been harvesting these waters going on 30 years, there’s nothing else like it. “It gets into your heart and soul,” he says. “Even a bad day is not that bad, I got no one telling me what to do. Everybody out here loses a lot of money for this independence. You have to pay for your own medicals, retirement funds, it’s a different life, but it’s a clean life, it’s a honest life, and we got the best product in the world.” The 48-year-old, also known as “Duckman” among clammers (most

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baymen have a nickname), a father of three who lost his son Matthew five years ago, says he’s fighting for the baymen’s very existence. “It’s a way of life,” he says. “The Bald Eagles are doing better than we are. We are definitely on the endangered species list, all fishermen. Not just us, all fishermen.” Flower and Sons is a shellfish farmer, explains Ettelman, the company’s attorney. It owns a hatchery, where it incubates and reproduces its product, and a fleet of dredge boats it uses to cultivate and harvest the crop from the underwater shellfish beds it leases from the town. “Flower plants and they seed, and they spend a lot of money doing that, and they are probably the oldest farming operation left,” says Ettelman. “A significant portion of their operation is planting seeds. They plant millions of clam and oyster seeds annually. And it takes years. They have to develop these seeds in their hatchery, they have to then seed them, and it’s years before they can harvest them. So they’re a selfsustaining operation. The other guys, all they do is take.” As part of the prior settlement agreement, Flower provides the town with a million clam seeds—an amount the clam diggers argue is really not that much, since about half can be lost to predators, the weather, or any number of variables before maturing. The baymen want an increase of up to 60 million clam and oyster seeds for the public.

that this revision was never properly or accurately conducted. They say state law dictates that commercial shellfish companies such as Flower do not have the right to take naturally growing shellfish from state or public lands. For Flower to move a flag marker—which Painter and Schultz and the others allege to the Press has been going on for more than two decades (even recording the alleged actions on their cell phones)—the company is effectively stealing from their families and the taxpaying public at large, charge the baymen. “If that flag is put onto the public side, they could run that big

boat through here and clean up all the clams in one or two passes,” explains Fred Menges, another member of the baymen’s group. The Press recently accompanied Menges on an excursion out across the harbor to witness the allegedly illegal shellfishing practice firsthand. Sure enough, several dozen yards off the southern tip of Center Island, in the shadow of a mansion estate, the Press observed two men on a boat tying a new bamboo marker with orange and red flags to a sunken weight, replacing one that had been damaged. When asked whether they were

aware their actions were potentially against the law or whether they were licensed land surveyors, they declined to answer, saying: “Call the company. They will give you answers. Frank M. Flower and Sons. Call Dwight.” Responding to questions regarding the alleged improperly defining, staking and marking of lease beds on behalf of the company—the co-owners are Dwight Relyea, brother David and Joe Zahtila—Ettelman tells the Press: “The lease beds have been absolutely appropriately marked. The town has acknowledged that they are

Border Wars Here’s how it works: The Oyster Bay/Cold Spring Harbor shellfish lands are separated into public domain land and leased lands. The boundaries of these underwater shellfish beds are marked by bamboo stakes bearing brightly colored flags. Most of the areas set aside for the baymen and public hug the shorelines of Oyster Bay Harbor, Oyster Bay Cove and Cold Spring Harbor, though the baymen say at least two-thirds are unproductive. Flower and Sons get the vast majority of the rest, along with a large stretch bordering Long Island Sound—though those grounds have long been disputed; the state believes it’s theirs and not Flower’s. Licenses to dig for clams and oysters on LI are allotted by township and cost $400 per year in Oyster Bay. In order to get one, an applicant must prove residency—something baymen charge many of Flower’s ship hands don’t have. The baymen’s lawsuit claims that in accordance with its 1992 settlement, the town was to have a licensed surveyor revise a 1937 map of the leased and public shellfish beds, and News

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appropriately marked, and so there’s absolutely no merit to the argument. There’s no question that they’re appropriately marked. And they were done so, as I said, years and years ago.” Gregory de Bruin, currently vice president of Gayron de Bruin Land Surveying and Engineering, PC, whose family’s former company A. James de Bruin & Sons worked with Flower in creating a map of Oyster Bay’s shellfish boundaries in the 1990s, says he too knows Flower has been using unlicensed surveyors to stake and tend to the flag boundaries. He tells the Press that Flower purchased GPS equipment to do the work themselves “rather than paying us on a regular basis to do it.” He verifies that the town did not have the latest coordinates. “When we gave the map to the town in 1994, we supplied a list of the coordinates,” he continues. “If you look at the map, it says, ‘See also booklet entitled List of Coordinates for this map.’ Nobody in the town can find that. The town asked us for it. And we said, I can find the cover to the booklet and I can find the list of coordinates, but I don’t find a bound booklet in our records. The town doesn’t find it in theirs. So I forwarded the data to the town.” He’s seen this before east of the county line. In 2007, as then-president of the Nassau-Suffolk Civil Engineers, de Bruin sent a letter to Suffolk County over concerns it was setting boundaries of underwater leases of its Shellfish Aquaculture Leasing Program without the services of a licensed surveyor: “Please be advised that this would be in conflict with New York State Education Law. Only licensed land surveyors may set and describe property boundaries.” An Oyster Bay town bay constable verifies to the Press that they, too, have never had the actual coordinates for the boundaries—even though they’re charged with enforcing them and levy fines and violations for breaches. They go by the markers placed by Flower themselves, he explains. “I’ve never seen the GPS coordinates for the flags marking the beds,” he admits, though stressing he did not want his name used in this story due to what he describes as “town politics.” “As far as, if we look at a flag, I have no coordinates to go on to tell me if that flag’s in the right spot or if it’s off by 100 feet or so.” The bay constable, as well as the baymen, lament that the root of the problem is that the town, in its 1994 lease, stipulates that Flower “shall mark the lands underwater above described by stakes, buoys or monuments” and “shall have the sole right to all shellfish on the lands leased herein,” essentially allowing 18

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hard living: North oyster bay baymen’s association president jim schultz, 38, father of two, has been raking clams and oysters from its beautific yet unforgiving waters for more than two decades. he and helper corey lapointe harvest hard clams (below).

“You ever look at the moon, the pictures of the moon, with the craters all over them? That’s exactly what the bottom looks like after a dredge sucks down.” — Tom Farrell, VP, nonprofit New York Coalition for Recreational Fishing

them to trump state law. Berger, the baymen’s attorney, finds the bay constables’ lack of coordinates “absolutely incredible.” “They’re out there enforcing under the guise of having information that could be utilized in a criminal proceeding,” he blasts. “In essence, really what they’ve done, they’ve made the bay constables a posse on behalf of Flower and Company. “The bay constables aren’t working for the Town of Oyster Bay in this situation, they’re working for Flowers!” he adds. But as charged as the baymen are about Flower’s tending to the flags— which they allege happens weekly— they’re even more heated about how the company goes about harvesting the shellfish, daily.

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Anchors Aweigh

On any given day, out on the water of Oyster Bay, Flower’s shellfish harvesting boats are visible. They’re actually pretty tough to miss. Unlike the 20-or-so-foot clam skiffs used by diggers such as Schultz and his cohorts, sometimes working the same area for days, Flower’s fleet of three hydraulic dredge ships and two hydraulic suction dredge boats— referred to as “sucker” boats by the baymen—plow across the waters in search of their next haul. Unlike the baymen, these floating factories have no limit on how much shellfish they can take each day. Once they find their targets, the hydraulic dredge ships utilize cutting blades that tear into the shell bed while

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highly pressurized jets of water slice the sediment, break it up, emulsify the bottom and push the clams into the back of the dredge. The sucker boats literally siphon the clams and oysters from their sub-aquatic beds like a vacuum—along with anything else that might be down there, say the baymen—and are regularly seen accompanied by clouds of seagulls, which nose-dive and feed from a dark muddy slick left in the ship’s wake. “This is like a strip-mining operation,” says Painter, pointing across the harbor. “They strip it, and they re-put their product on it… Their program is perfect for replanting shellfish... But as far as for fish, wildlife, and this whole bullshit thing that this is a federal wildlife-protected harbor, that’s a fairytale. “If Oyster Bay Harbor is a federally protected fish and wildlife refuge, how can you let the sucker boat and the dredge boats work?” says Fetzer. “The sucker boats are killing baby fish, fish eggs, crabs. They’re silting up the water, which is choking the saltgrasses that run along the shallows of the bay. You could be exposing the environment and people to heavy metals which have been dormant, that you’re exposing again. And not only does the sucker boats churn this up and spit them out in the water either dead or stunned, or killed, but they could sit up on the deck for hours and just die because they’re out of water. “That’s when the seagulls eat them like they’re potato chips,” he continues, adding that he’s witnessed the carnage firsthand. “They’ve sucked eight-pound blackfish. They’ve sucked five-pound fluke. They’ve sucked up eels. They suck up horseshoe crabs.” The baymen aren’t the only ones disputing the use of hydraulic dredging. It’s a battle that has been waged before—Maryland and Virginia

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have banned the practice, among other nonprofit Friends of the Bay, whose states—and is at the forefront right stated mission statement is “to preserve, now, on the East End as well as all the protect and restore the Oyster Bay/ way up to Albany. Recent attempts by Cold Spring Harbor Estuary and the Suffolk County and other local munici- surrounding watershed,” and whose palities to revive the Island’s shellfishing headquarters are about a block from industry by soliciting applications for the harbor—within view of Flower’s the leasing of underwater shellfish beds operations—has to date been silent on in the Peconic and Gardiner’s Bay have the issue. “I have to choose my words wisely resurrected the age-old controversy. Two bills currently before the state legislature here, because the owner of Frank M. would bring the practice back to these Flowers [David Relyea] is one of our estuaries under the county’s new aqua- board members,” says Friends of the Bay’s executive director, Patricia culture lease program. That has Kevin McAllister, of Aitken, when asked whether her group nonprofit Peconic Baykeeper, up in would support a cessation of Flower’s hydraulic dredging. arms. The baymen, who seek such a “The disturbance of the bottom has collateral damages to it,” he stresses. halting of activities until an environ“You could wipe out a spawning season, mental analysis is conducted to ensure or spawning areas, where certain it’s safe for marine life in the estuary, eggs are being laid, not to mention allege a conflict of interest, a charge knocking out other organisms that are Aitken denies. “We’re not deciding whether the part of the ecology in the bay… It isn’t just you’re dredging up the bottom. study’s going to be done or not; we’re You’re hammering it in a sense; you’re not making that decision,” she explains. knocking out other critters that are “It’s no conflict of interest for us, because important in the benthic community.” we’re not the ones doing the study. “I’m damned if I do and I’m “It takes many, many, many years for the ecosystem to develop,” explains damned if I don’t here if I say yes or Tom Farrell, vice president of the no,” she replied when asked whether 12,000-member nonprofit New York Friends of the Bay would support such Coalition for Recreational Fishing, an analysis. “Friends of the Bay wants which sent a letter to state lawmakers what’s best for the harbor and for the opposing the dredging bills. He stresses environment, and that’s what we’ve its potentially devastating impacts to always been about: what’s best for the the estuaries, “and they can very well harbor.” “We have always been about virtually destroy it overnight. “You ever look at the moon, the protecting the water quality and the pictures of the moon, with the craters harbor, that’s where we come down on all over them?” he asks. “That’s exactly this,” she continues, agreeing to check what the bottom looks like after a out the dredges for herself. “I don’t have a stand [on hydraulic dredging] right dredge sucks down.” With Flower operating “an average now because I need information. I’m of six hydraulic dredge boats on a daily not going to take a stand unless I have basis,” charges the suit, “based on information… We always want to see calculations allowing an 80-percent independent, scientific assessments.” bottom time for dredges, six boats will replace and suspend approximately 13,440 cubic yards of material a day.” No matter what happens within For context, a large tractor trailer the courtroom, says Fetzer, aboard holds 35 cubic yards. Even the bay constable inter- his skiff Rollic, somewhere out in the viewed by the Press acknowledges water of Oyster Bay Harbor, beneath the detrimental impacts of Flower’s a warm sun, clear, blue sky, with a full rake of clams ready for the culling, dredging within Oyster Bay Harbor. he’s at peace with his “I think it destroys decision to finally take the bay,” he says, a stand. soberly. “I mean you’re “Whatever the taking a fire house and outcome of this—be squirting the bottom it in our favor or not of the bay. All the eggs in our favor—if it’s and anything—any in our favor, we’re hatchlings or anything helping future generalike that—just get tions,” he says. “And if completely, especially it goes belly-up on our flounders, destroyed.” Where other enviface, we have exactly ronmental advocates what we have now. and groups are vocal “It’s easy to do about the damage nothing,” he adds. nonprofit friends of the wreaked by the “It’s hard to do bay executive director dredges, however, the something.” patricia aitken

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StumbleUpon Something New! By Angelica Bevinetto

News, fashion, comedy and music. The Internet has become a vast ocean of ideas for people to share globally. We can share our interests with people on the other side of the world, while debating our opinions with someone just a few miles away. The Internet has allowed the people of the world to connect those with similar interests. Among the gazillion and one websites

that can be found on the web, I found a website that gives you the best of the Internet: StumbleUpon.com. StumbleUpon is a website where you submit your personal interests, and then a toolbar pops up on the top of the webpage. When you click the “Stumble” button in the top left corner, the site transports you to a different webpage that coincides with your interests. For example, a subject you can choose can be Music. When you press the “Stumble” button, StumbleUpon would redirect you to a webpage that enables you to listen to music.

StumbleUpon gives you just about everything the Internet has to offer, without searching indefinitely for the perfect website. It shows you articles, pictures, quotes, and videos that peak your excitement every time you Stumble. Even if you Stumble onto a website that isn’t for you, just press the thumbs down button to dislike the page. StumbleUpon will adjust what it offers you based on your likes and dislikes, giving you even better websites to browse. I admit it: I’m a StumbleUpon

fanatic. I can be on that website for hours without a moment of discontent. StumbleUpon just has so much to offer in so many different ways, and all I have to do is choose a couple of topics that I like. Since I have spent so much time sorting through different websites, StumbleUpon almost always is spot-on with what kind of website I would like. People can find the right interests for them – no matter how quirky or obscure – and find a website they never heard of and now can’t live without. So, why not Stumble today?

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Long Island Press Arts, Entertainment & Nightlife

Week of April 5- April 12, 2012

E v e n t s T h u r s day p. 37 F r i day p. 37 S at u r day p. 4 0 S u n day p. 4 0 M o n day p. 4 2 T u e s day p. 4 2 W e d n e s day p. 4 2 T h u r s day p. 4 2

Do This Event Listings

KEVIN JAMES @ NYCB THEATRE Mineola native Kevin James will practically perfor in his backyard when he hits the stage at Westbury. Best known as the stocky and sports-obsessed delivery man on King of Queens, James’ roots in the local comedy scene date back to his early days doing standup at Richie Minervini’s East Side Comedy Club in the late ’80s/early ’90s. And although James foisted the execrable Zookeeper on the masses, his work with fellow comic-turnedsitcom-star Ray Romano remains some of his best work. Monday, 4.9. 7:30 p.m.—Dave Gil de Rubio

thursday 4.5 Dark Pop 4 @ Last Rites Gallery Nudes, monsters, creepy creatures, pop culture references and everything in between. Through 4.8.

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PIT BULL @ RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL Going to a Pitbull concert is like going to a club–except your friend Armando (bet you didn’t know his real name) happens to be dancing and performing on the stage. To say Mr. Worldwide gets the audience involved during his concerts is an understatement. Not in a way that detracts from the performance, but rather in a way that makes it more entertaining. This is a concert you won’t regret spending some extra money for. So go on, spend some time on Planet THE TING TINGS @ WEBSTER HALL Incredibly popular in Europe, this Mancunean duo has Pit, Dale! Friday, 4.6. 8 been M.I.A. for the past four years after making quite a splash with its 2008 debut We Started p.m. Also 4.7.—Lindsay Nothing and its subsequent hits “Shut Up and Let Me Go” and “That’s Not My Name.” With Christ the brand-new follow-up Sounds from Nowheresville, the Ting Tings add to its New Wave-kissed dance-pop with nuances of rock-steady (“Soul Killing”), ethereal ballads (“In Your Life”) and Paul’s Boutique-era Beastie Boys (“Hang It Up”). With MNDR. Tuesday, 4.10. (Also 4.11.) —DGdR ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

FORMATTING FOR FACEBOOK @ NASSAU COUNTY MUSEUM OF ART Predicted to hit the 1 billion user mark this August, Facebook has long infiltrated the art world. In an exhibit where social networking is mashed up with the world of contemporary art, NY artist Steven Salzman uploads his bold, digital images in the three-part horizontal rectangle format seen in the new Facebook timeline. One series composed entirely of striped plastic drinking straws meticulously cut and glued onto rectangular boards took weeks for the artist, drawing inspiration from advanced physics and astronomy, to complete. Salzman discusses his art at the museum May 12 at 3 p.m. Ongoing through Sunday, 7.8.—Jaclyn Gallucci

Venue addresses and information can be found on Page 40

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It’s Always SUNY BeerPong Tourney @ Nutty Irishman Bay Shore, 9 p.m. $1000 cash and prizes. Raul Midon @ Joe’s Pub, 9:30 p.m. The Joey Gay Comedy Show @ Brokerage, 8 p.m. Our Lady Peace @ Bowery Ballroom, 8 p.m. Tyler Hilton @ Ollie’s Point Live in the Lobby: Delights of Nothing, Ghosts of Electricity @ Patchogue Theatre, 7:30 p.m. Chick Corea @ Highline Ballroom, 8 p.m. Naval Enlisted Reserve Meeting @ Marine Corps Center, 7:30 p.m. Open to all maritime service, reserve, active, vets and all shipmates. Citizen Cope @ City Winery, 8 p.m. friday 4.6 Bruce Springsteen @ Madison Square Garden, Through 4.9. Easter Weekend @

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McFadden’s, 9 p.m.midnight. Easter egg drop for prizes and drink specials; $25 three-hour open bar. Who’s Line is it, Anyway? Comedy Competition @ Brokerage, 10:30 p.m. Weird Science: The Ultimate ’80s Experiment @ Napper Tandy’s Miller Place Karaoke @ Stephen Talkhouse, 10 p.m. The War on Drugs @ Music Hall of Williamsburg, 8 p.m. With Ape School & The Everymen. Bone Awl/Villains/ Negative Plane @ St. Vitus, 9 p.m. Playboy Bunny Party Spa @ Zachary’s, 10 p.m. Video release party for Mike L’s “Can’t Come Down”. Enter Shikari @ Irving Plaza, 7 p.m. With At The Skyline & Letlive. In Other Words @ Vibe Lounge, 5 p.m. With Once My Way, Forever, We Were, Made in March, Wargrave, They All Float & The Shipman Inquiry. Screaming Females @ Bell House, 8 p.m. Continued on page 40

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PASSOVER Friday 4.6 Passover Wine Tasting @ Post Wine & Spirits, 510 Jericho Tpke., Syosset, 3:30 p.m.-6:30 p.m. Taste the latest and greatest for your Seder table. Experience Your Own Personal Exodus @ Town of Oyster Bay Chabad, 678 Woodbury Rd., Woodbury, 7 p.m. & 8 p.m. Enjoy the holiday of freedom with your family, complete with the original handbaked Shmurah Matzah, four cups of exquisite kosher wine, and a traditional Passover dinner with interactive Chassidic tales and Jewish humor. Also 4.7. Bake Your Own Matzah @ Jewish Children’s Museum, 792 Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn, Ongoing. Children bake at the Matzah Factory by grinding wheat, drawing water from a well and mixing the two together, before rolling out the dough and baking it. A new floor opens for the holiday exploring the journey from Abraham to the Land of Israel.

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Heimish Passover Seder @ Chabad of Patchogue, 28 Mowbray St., Patchogue, 7:15 p.m. Also 4.7 at

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7:30 p.m. First Night of Passover Seder @ Chai Center, 501 Vanderbilt Pkwy., Dix Hills, 8:15 p.m. Community Passover Seder @ Viana Hotel & Spa, 3998 Brush Hollow Rd., Westbury, 7 p.m. Catered dinner discussion about Passover and singing. Also 4.7 at 8 p.m. Community Passover Seder @ Chabad of Oceanside, 3700 Oceanside Road West, Oceanside, 7:15 p.m. Seder lead by Rabbi Levi Gurkov with traditional music and food. Community Passover Seder @ Chabad Center for Jewish Life, 2083 Seneca Gate, Merrick, 7:45 p.m. Led by Rabbi Shimon Kramer with a four-course dinner, hand-baked matzah, wine, music and more. Also 4.7 at 8:20 p.m. Community Passover Seder @ Temple Israel, 490 Northville Turnpike., Riverhead. 6:30 p.m. Saturday 4.7 Passover Community 1st Seder @ Chabad of Great Neck, 400 E. Shore Rd., Great Neck, 7 p.m. Community 2nd

Night Seder @ Temple Am Echad, 1 Saperstein Plaza, Lynbrook. 6 p.m. Enjoy a traditional family-style kosher meal led by Rabbi Glenn Jacob and Cantor Jerry Korobow.

7 p.m. Celebrate Passover with your family as the Upper East Side institution re-creates ancient traditions with songs, stories, movement and games, as well as a fabulous dinner.

Community Passover Seder @ Temple B’nai Israel of Elmont, 471 Elmont Rd., Elmont, 6:15 p.m.

Second Night of Passover Seder @ Chai Center, 501 Vanderbilt Pkwy., Dix Hills, 8:15 p.m.

Second Night Passover Seder: Why is This Night Different? @ North Shore Synagogue 83 Muttontown Rd., Syosset, 5:30 p.m. Seder held in the Youth Lounge, bring food to share (and a copy of the recipe) and wine; soda, juice, water, coffee and tea. Cup of Elijah @ Children’s Museum of Manhattan, 212 W. 83rd St., Manhattan. 11 a.m., noon, 2 p.m., 3 p.m. & 4 p.m. Explore the importance of Elijah’s cup at the Passover Seder. Kids will get to create and decorate their own cup with tissue paper and shining gems. Ages 5 and up. Annual Community Passover Seder @ Temple Beth El of Patchogue, 45 Oak St., Patchogue, 7:30 p.m. Services followed by Seder dinner. Creative Family Passover Seder @ 92nd Street Y,

Communal Passover Seder @ Temple Adas Israel, 30 Atlantic Ave., Sag Harbor, 7 p.m. Traditional songs, stories plus gourmet kosher dinner. Holistic Seder with Romemu and Makom @ Jewish Community Center, 7:30 -11:30 p.m. Make your way through fifteen stages of the freedom meal known as Seder. This will be a night of singing and storytelling about the exodus from Egypt with a strictly kosher meal for Passover. Ages 8 and up. Passover Seder @ Jewish Center of the Moriches, 227 Main St., Center Moriches, 6 p.m. A faith program for families. JCOH Second Night Passover Seder @ Jewish Center of the Hamptons, 44 Woods Lane, East Hampton, 5-7 p.m. With Rabbi Zimmerman and Cantor Stein. —JG

Photo: Chris Callis

LeapofFaithBroadway.com/LFgEn36 CALL 212.947.8844 AND USE THE CODE LFgEn36 VISIT ST. JAMES THEATRE BOX OFFICE, 246 WEST 44TH ST. & BRING THIS AD Must purchase by 4/26 for performances through 5/13 Offer subject to availability. Valid on select locations only. Blackout dates may apply. Not valid on prior purchases and cannot be combined with any other discounts or promotions. All sales final; no refunds or exchanges. Telephone and internet orders are subject to standard Telecharge.com service fees. A $2.00 theatre facility fee is included in the price of the ticket. Limit 8 tickets per order. Offer expires April 26, 2012 but may be revoked at any time.

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EASTER Saturday 4.7 Easter Bunny @ Hicks Nurseries, 100 Jericho Tpke., Westbury, 10 a.m.noon and 2-4 p.m. Bring your own camera for pictures! Annual Eggstravaganza @ Theodore Roosevelt Sanctuary & Audubon Center, 134 Cove Rd., Oyster Bay. Meet egg-laying animals and search for prize-filled eggs on the nature trails Session 1: 10:3011:30 a.m. (toddlers only) 12:30-3:30 p.m. (ages 2-10). Breakfast with the Easter Bunny @ Garden City Hotel, 45 Seventh St., Garden City, 9 a.m. & 10:30 a.m. A meeting with the Easter bunny & friends, including face painting artists and a kid-centric buffet breakfast. Breakfast with the Easter Bunny @ Cupcake Corner Too, 62 New Hyde Park Rd., Garden City, 9 a.m. & 10:30 a.m. Spring Festival @ Sweetbriar Nature Center, 62 Eckernkamp Dr., Smithtown, 1-4 p.m. Egg hunts and visit from the Easter Bunny. Barnyard Easter Egg Hunt @ Queens County Farm Museum, 73-50 Little Neck Pkwy., Glen Oaks, Noon-4 p.m. Egg

toss, hayrides, bunny-hop and egg hunt in the orchard. Whiskers the Bunny on hand for photos!

Easter Parade @ Bay Street Theater A screening of the classic movie. Eggstravaganza @ Queens Zoo , 11 a.m.-4 p.m. Egg hunts, themed arts and crafts, a photogenic Easter Bunny, and meetand-greets with the zoo’s giant Flemish rabbit (Herman weighs almost 20 pounds!). Also 4.8. Easter Egg Hunt @ USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center, 9 a.m.-noon. Ages 8 and under. Kids can hunt for eggs and hit some balls at this tennis-themed Easter party. Tennis clinic follows arts and crafts, an egg hunt and an Easter basket competition. Spring Egg Hunt @ Deepwells Farm County Park, Route 25A and Moriches Road, St. James, 11 a.m. An outdoor egg hunt for children 12 and younger. Egg-stravaganza @ Connetquot River State Park Preserve, Sunrise Highway, Oakdale, 10-11:30 a.m. Bring three hard boiled eggs to decorate. Ages 5 and older, egg hunt to follow. Penguin Egg Hunt @ LI Aquarium &

Give your kids a break from spring break.

Exhibition Center, 431 E. Main St., Riverhead, 10 a.m.-1 p.m. A hunt with plenty of great prizes! Sunday 4.8 Easter Egg Hunt @ Benner’s Farm, 56 Gnarled Hollow Rd., Setauket, 1 p.m. Bring your own basket and go hunting for hidden egg treats! Easter Sunday Vintage Car Parade @ Franklin Avenue & 7th Street, Garden City, 10 a.m.-1 p.m. Antique, vintage and classic cars, Banjo Rascals, Kiwanis Easter Bunnies and more. Easter Parade & Egg Hunt @ Harborfront Park, 101A E. Broadway, Village Center, Port Jefferson, Noon. An old fashioned parade— don’t forget your bonnet! Easter Bunny 5K @ Eisenhower Park, Hempstead Turnpike and Merrick Avenue, East Meadow, 9-10:30 a.m. Easter Morning Tower Tour @ Fire Island Lighthouse, Parking Field 5, Fire Island, 6 a.m. Includes light breakfast and mug. Easter Bonnet LONG Parade @

LIRR Deals & Getaways to NYC.

Bookhampton, 20 Main St., Sag Harbor. 1-2 p.m.

It’s that time again – a great excuse to explore the city with Long Island Rail Road’s NYC Deals & Getaways. You’ll save money with discounted rail and admissions. The New York International Auto Show rolls in from April 6 -15. Or visit the USS Intrepid, the American Museum of Natural History, or choose from many other packages. For details visit “Deals & Getaways” at mta.info/lirr. Or call 511 and say “LIRR.” School may be out, but NYC is in session.

Egg Hunt @ Northport Village Park, Bayview Avenue and Main Street, Northport. 1-4 p.m. NYC Easter Parade and Easter Bonnet Festival @ Fifth Avenue, from 49th Street to 57th Street, 10 a.m.-4 p.m. 10-foot-tall hats, costumed pets, bonnets with live birds nestled inside…it’s all here. Easter Cantata @ Mahanaim, 300 Nassau Rd., Huntington, 5 p.m. & 7:30 p.m. This Easter Cantata is a musical depiction of the rising of Jesus Christ.

© 2012 Metropolitan Transportation Authority

Annual Egg Hunt @ Quogue Wildlife Refuge, 3 Old Country Rd., East Quogue. Create a bunny craft and hop on down Peter Cottontail’s Trail to a special spot on the Refuge for an egg hunt. Session I: 9:30-10:30 a.m. and Session II: 11 a.m.-noon. Easter Egg Hunt @ Gurney’s Inn, 290 Old Montauk Hwy., Montauk, Egg hunt: 11 a.m.12 p.m. Fun and games with the Easter Bunny start ISLAND PRESS at noon. —JG

TRIM......

\

visit our websites for a complete listing of upcoming shows & to buy tickets online

in LocAteD in BeLLMoRe @ governors Levittown @ the brokerage LocAteD AS Seen on vH1 & Comedy CenTrAl

colin quinn

AS Seen on Comedy CenTrAl

AS Seen on HBo & Comedy CenTrAl

4.314” x 5.42”

LIVE.......

governors is comedy chris monty rc smith

MTA LIR N LIRR Spring ¼ Pg 4C March 27,

BLEED...

DINNER & SHOW PACKAGES AVAILABLE!

@ mcguires

nick dipaolo joe starr thurs. 4/12 @ 8 fri. 4/13 @ 8 sat. 4/14 @ @ 7:30 & 10 sun. 4/15 @ 7:30

AS Seen on Comedy CenTrAl

pauly shore AS Seen on mTv & In “BIo-dome”

fri. 4/6 @ 8 sat. 4/7 @ 8 & 10:30

fri. 4/13 @ 8 sat. 4/14 @ 8 & 10:30

colin kane

mencia general hospital soap show robert kelly bobby collins jessica kirson carlos AS Seen on port chuck

AS Seen on Comedy CenTrAl

one night only fri. 4/13 @ 10:30

friday 4/20 @ 8 & 10:30

AS Seen on Comedy CenTrAl

Comedy CenTrAl

fri. 4/27 @ 8 sat. 4/28 @ 8 & 10:30

fri. 4/27 @ 8 & 10:30 sat. 4/28 @ 7 & 10:30

comedy roast of chris monty 4/9 @ 7:30 all my children soap show 4/14 @ 2pm generAL hospitAL’s pAtrick & robin soAp show 5/19 @ 2pm 2797 Merrick Rd., Bellmore (Corner of Bellmore Ave.) 516-781-LAFF

one night only sat. 4/21 @ 7:30 & 10

gift cards available DINNER & SHOW LocAteD in PACKAGES BoheMiA AVAILABLE!

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dATE: 4-05-12 Publication: LI Press Size: 8.75 x 2.719 (¼ Page Horizontal)

one night only fri. 5/11 @ 8

fri. 5/4 @ 8 sat. 5/5 @ @ 7:30 & 10

tim krompier 4/6 @ 8 & 4/7 @ 7:30 & 10 pauly shore one night only 4/24 @ 8pm bobby collins one night only 5/12 @ 7 & 10 90 Division Ave., Levittown (Behind Tri-County Shop Center) 516-731-3358

Classified

AS Seen on Comedy CenTrAl

AS Seen on Comedy CenTrAl

band saturday 4/28 @ 2pm

www.brokerAgecomedy.com www.govs.com 5

one night only monday 4/23 @ 8

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eric tartaglione 4/6 @ 8 & 4/7 @ 7:30 & 10 mike yard 4/20 @ 8 & 4/21 @ 7:30 & 10 senior comedy luncheon wed. 4/25 @ 1pm 1627 Smithtown Ave., Bohemia (Accross from Holiday Inn) 631-467-5413

www.mcguirescomedy.com

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Do This Continued from page 37 /////////////////////

Mid-Life Crisis @ Ollie’s Point, 7:30 p.m.

David Johansen @ Highline Ballroom, 8 p.m. FILM: Harvey @ Bay Street Theatre, 8 p.m. Big Laughs @ YMCA Boulton Center, 8 p.m. With Tim Homayoon, Sherry Davey and Buddy Fitzpatrick. Tim Krompier @ Governor’s Comedy 8 p.m. Also 4.7. The Deep Blue Sea @ Westhampton Beach Performing Arts Center, 7:30 p.m. Also 4.7 at 1 p.m. & 4 p.m. Chris Monty @ Brokerage Comedy 8 p.m. Also 4.7. Bill Kirchen & Too Much Fun @ Stephen Talkhouse 

North Mississippi Allstars @ Brooklyn Bowl, 8 p.m. With Leroy Justice. Also with J. Dickinson 4.7. Anoushka Shankar @ City Winery, 8 p.m. Through 4.8. The Rapture @ Bowery Ballroom Also with Ava Luna 4.7 @ Music Hall of Williamsburg. Eric Tartaglione @ McGuire’s Comedy, 8 p.m. Also 4.7. saturday 4.7 Cirque Du Soleil Michel Jackson Immortal World Tour @ Nassau Coliseum, 8 p.m. Created to pay tribute to the legacy of Michael Jackson,

this show combines breathtaking visuals with Michael Jackson’s signature music and dance moves. Also 4.8 at 4 p.m.—Michael Ventimiglia Sausage Fest @ Middle Country Beer Garden, 4 p.m. Luchyana’s 2012 Swimwear Line Runway Show @ Glo, 10 p.m. Crystal Water Collections, Emaury girls. Opening Day @ Long Island Game Farm, 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Open for bottle feeding! Nada Surf @ Webster Hall With An Horse. Also with Milagres on 4.8 @ Music Hall of Williamsburg. Hide the Eggs Hip Hop Easter Bash @ Broadway Bar, 10 p.m.-2 a.m. An Easter event for the 21+ crowd, only $5 entry with cheap drinks all night.

©Disney

Where it’s At Do This Venue Information Nassau County

Suffolk County

Brokerage—2797 Merrick Rd, Bellmore. 516-7858655. www.brokeragecomedy.com

Bay Street Theatre—The Long Wharf, Sag Harbor. 631-725-9500. www. baystreet.org

Glo—737 Merrick Ave., Bethpage Ballpark—3 Westbury. 516-794-8022. Belt Drive South, Central www.glownightclubli.com Islip. www.liducks.com Governor’s—90 Division Ave., Levittown. 516-7313358. www.govs.com

Book Revue—313 New York Ave., Huntington. . www.bookrevue.com

Rd., Brookhaven Hamlet. www.paintersrestaurant. com

Thu. APR. 12 ★ 7:00 PM Fri. APR. 13 ★ 7:00 PM Sat. APR. 14 ★ 12 NOON, 3:30 & 7:00 PM Sun. APR. 15 ★ 1:00 & 5:00 PM Tue. APR. 17 ★ 7:00 PM Wed. APR. 18 ★ 7:00 PM Thu. APR. 19 ★ 7:00 PM Fri. APR. 20 ★ 7:00 PM

201339

Sat. APR. 21 ★ 3:30 & 7:00 PM Sun. APR. 22 ★ 1:00 & 5:00 PM

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Buy tickets at www.phineasandferblive.com, Retail Locations, Arena Box Offices or call 1-800-745-3000 Long Island Press

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Ripe Art Gallery—67A Broadway, Greenlawn. www.ripeartgal.com

Sachem Public Library—150 Holbrook Rd., Broadway Bar—198 Holbrook Broadway. 631-753-1975. Smithtown Library, ComCalvary Baptist mack Branch— 3 Indian Church—515 Riverleigh Head Rd., Commack Ave., Riverhead Stephen Talkhouse—61 Cinema Arts Centre—423 Main St., Amagansett. Park Ave., Huntington. 631-267-3117. www.steNassau Coliseum—1255 631-423-FILM. www. phentalkhouse.com cinemaartscentre.org Hempstead Tpke., UnionTap & Barrel—550 dale. 631-920-1203. John W. Engeman TheSmithtown Bypass, Smithwww.nassaucoliseum. ater—250 Main St., North- town. 631-780-5474. com port. 631-261-2900. www.52taps.com Nassau County Museum www.johnwengementheater.com University Café—Stony of Art—1 Museum Dr., Brook University, Nichols Roslyn Harbor. 516-484- The Lark—93 Larkfield Road, Stony Brook. www. 9337. www.nassaumuRd., East Northport. 631- stonybrook.edu seum.com 262-9700. www.thelarkpubandgrub.com Westhampton Beach Nutty Irishman FarmPerforming Arts ingdale—323 Main St., Long Island Game Center—76 Main St., Farmingdale. 516-293Farm—638 Chapman Westhampton Beach. 9700. www.thenuttyirish- Blvd., Manorville. www. 631-288-1500. www. man.com longislandgamefarm.com whbpac.org NYCB Theatre at WestMcGuire’s—1627 Smith- YMCA Boulton Cenbury—960 Brush Hollow town Ave., Bohemia. ter—37 W. Main St., Bay Rd., Westbury. 877-598631-467-5413. www.mc8694. www.thetheatreat- guirescomedyshows.com Shore. 631-969-1101. www.boultoncenter.org westbury.com Middle Country Beer Oh My Girls—140 Jericho Garden—1702 Middle Manhattan Tpke., Syosset. 516-802- Country Rd., Centereach. Apple Store SoHo—72 5800. www.ohmygirls.com www.muls.com Greene St. www.apple.com Ollie’s Point—140 Merrick Napper Tandy’s—15 E. B.B. Kings Blues Club Rd., Amityville. 516-208- Main St., Smithtown. & Grill—237 West 42nd 6590. www.clubloaded. 631-360-0606; 275 St. 212-997-4144. www. com Route 25A, Miller Place. bbkingblues.com 631-331-5454. www.napVibe Lounge—60 N. Park pertandys.com Barnes & Noble—160 E. Ave., Rockville Centre. 54th St., Midtown East; 33 516-208-6590. www. Nutty Irishman Bay E. 17th St., Union Square. vibeloungeli.com Shore—60 E. Main St., www.bn.com Bay Shore. 631-969Zachary’s Lounge—1916 9700. www.thenuttyirishBeacon Theatre—2124 Hempstead Tpke., East Broadway. 212-465-6500. Meadow. 516-794-9770. man.com www.beacontheatre.com www.zacharysny.com Painters—416 S. Country

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Big Shot Early Show @ Nutty Irishman Farmingdale, 9 p.m. Anthem Idol, OnField Host And PA Tryouts @ Bethpage Ballpark, 9 a.m. For details visit www. liducks.com.  Saved by the ’90s @ Napper Tandy’s Smithtown Baby Johnson @ Stephen Talkhouse, 10 p.m. Strecker/Mean Machine @ Painters The Magic School Bus Live @ NYCB Theatre, 2 p.m. sunday 4.8 Seun Kuti & Fela’s Egypt 80 @ Highline Ballroom, 8 p.m. Continued on page 42

Best Buy Theater—1515 Broadway. 212-930-1950. www.bestbuytheater.com Bowery Ballroom—6 Delancey St. www.boweryballroom.com City Winery—155 Varick St. 212-608-0555. www. citywinery.com

Patchogue Theatre— 71 East Main St., Patchogue. Highline Ballroom—431 W. 16th St. 212-414-5994. 631-207-1300. www. www.highlineballroom patchoguetheatre.com

Marine Corps Center—605 Stewart Ave., Garden City. 516-5260144. McFadden’s—210 Merrick Rd., Rockville Centre. 516-442-2600. www. mcfaddensrvc.com

Thu. APR. 5 ★ 7:00 PM Fri. APR. 6 ★ 1:00 & 7:00 PM Sat. APR. 7 ★ 12 NOON, 3:30 & 7:00 PM Sun. APR. 8 ★ 1:00 & 5:00 PM Mon. APR. 9 ★ 12 NOON & 3:30 PM Tue. APR. 10 ★ 12 NOON & 3:30 PM

Long Island rappers Justin Michael, High Quality, Indian Summer, Madbeast, and Bravo will be performing. —MV

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Irving Plaza—17 Irving Pl. 212-777-6800. www. irvingplaza.com Jack Tilton Gallery—8 E. 76th St. www.jacktiltongallery.com Joe’s Pub—425 Lafayette St. 212-539-8778. www. joespub.com Last Rites Gallery— 511 W. 33rd St. www.lastritesgallery.com Madison Square Garden—2 Penn Plaza. 212-465-6741. www. thegarden.com Mercury Lounge—217 E. Houston St. 212-2604700. www.mercuryloungenyc.com Radio City Music Hall— 1260 Sixth Ave. www. radiocity.com Strand Books—12th Street & Broadway. www.strandbooks.com Webster Hall—125 E. 11th St. 212-353-1600. www.websterhall.com

Brooklyn Bell House—149 Seventh St. 718-643-6510. www. thebellhouseny.com Brooklyn Bowl—61 Wythe Ave. 718-963-3369. www. brooklynbowl.com Music Hall of Williamsburg—66 N. Sixth St. 212-486-5400. www. musichallofwilliamsburg. com St. Vitus—1120 Manhattan Ave. www.saintvitusbar.com

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Do This

Long IsLand

Continued from page 40 /////////////////////

With Zozo Afrobeat & DJ Rich Medina. monday 4.9 Long Island Writers Guild @ Book Revue, 7 p.m. NPR’s Ask Me Another Live Taping @ Bell House, 7 p.m. An hour of puzzles, games and trivia hosted by Ophira Eisenberg with music by Jonathan Coulton.

Restaurant Week ApRil 22-29, 2012

Community Bible and Fitness Week @ Calvary Baptist Church, 5:30-8 p.m. Register at www. cbcriverhead.org. Through 4.13.

$24.95

FDNY vs. NYPD Benefit Hockey Game @ Nassau Coliseum, 1 p.m.

3-course

Kevin Costner & Further West @ City Winery, 8 p.m. XXL 2012 Freshman Class Live @ Best Buy Theater, 8 p.m. With Machine Gun Kelly, Danny Brown, Kid Ink, Future, Roscoe Dash, Hopsin, Macklemore, Don Trip, Iggy Azalea & French Montana.

prix fixe

The Horrors @ Music Hall of Williamsburg, 8 p.m. With The Night Beats. Also 4.10 with Small Black.

SUNDAY to SUNDAY Offered all night

Further @ Beacon Theatre, 7:30 p.m. Through 4.18.

(except Saturday until 7:PM)

tuesday 4.10 Adriana Trigiani @ Book Revue, 7 p.m. Author of The Shoemaker’s Wife.

www.longislandrestaurantweek.com

Benjamin Busch (The Wire, Generation Kill) @ Strand Books, 7 p.m. The Grandest Tasty Tuesday of Them All @ Tap & Barrel, 8-11 p.m. With Rodenbach. RA Dickey (NY Mets) @ Barnes & Noble Midtown East, 11:30 a.m. Mana @ Madison Square Garden, 8 p.m. Also 4.11.

SPOnSOred by:

Psychic Night @ The Lark, 6-9 p.m. Carole King @ Barnes & Noble Union Square, 7 p.m. Pulp @ Radio City Music Hall, 8 p.m. Also 4.11 with Jeffrey Lewis. wednesday 4.11 Trainspotting @ Cinema Arts

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Centre, 7:30 p.m. Join scientists Anne Churchland & Rob Martienssen of Cold Spring Harbor Lab for an entertaining exploration of the science of addiction, followed by Danny Boyle’s classic movie. Alabama Shakes @ Mercury Lounge Also 4.12 @ Music Hall of Williamsburg. Author Alyson Richman @ Smithtown Library, Commack Branch, 7 p.m. Richman reads from her latest book, The Lost Wife. Jules Radino (Blue Oyster Cult) @ Painter’s Alice Smith @ City Winery, 8 p.m. Alice Hoffman @ Book Revue, 7 p.m. Author of The Dovekeepers. Mastodon/Opeth @ Roseland Ballroom With Ghost. Families Making Art Together @ Nassau County Museum of Art, 11 a.m.-2 p.m. Hands-on art making for children and their adult companions. Also 4.12 & 4.13. Lake Ronkonkoma @ Sachem Public Library, 7 p.m. Enjoy a tantalizing glimpse into a bygone era in our own backyard with vintage images of this onetime summer paradise for the wealthy. thursday 4.12 Rachel Dratch (SNL) @ Apple Store Greene Street, 6 p.m. Joe Starr @ McGuire’s Comedy, 8 p.m. Through 4.15. White Rabbits @ Webster Hall, 7 p.m. The Fray @ Radio City Music Hall, 8 p.m. Fake Problems @ Ollie’s Point, 6 p.m. With Fortune & Spirits, Let Me Crazy, Soda Bomb & Party In Alaska. RC Smith @ Brokerage Comedy, 8 p.m. Through 4.15. Will Sylvince (Def Comedy Jam) @ Brokerage Comedy, 8 p.m. Stony Brooklyn: Crystal Stilts & Slothbear @ University Café, Stony Brook. 8 p.m. Food

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“#1 Hotel on L.I.” Join us for L.I.’s Top Sunday Brunch The Hotel’s award-winning brunch designed by Chef Steven De Bruyn features a culinary showcase of made-to-order omelets, gourmet pastas, seasonal salads, a seafood extravaganza of lobster, shrimp, and smoked salmon and a dazzling array of pastries and confections. Plus, unlimited Bloody Mary, Screwdriver and Mimosa cocktails. Seatings begin at noon.

45 Seventh Street in Garden City ~ For reservations, please call 516.663.REIN For additional details, please visit www.gchevents.com

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3998 Brush Hollow Road, Westbury, NY 11590 516-338-7777 • 516-333-5013 (Fax) www.vianahotelandspa.com News

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Movie Reviews By Prairie Miller

AMERICAN REUNION Universal Pictures, Rated R

Reunion movies, much like sequels, are faced with assorted challenges: avoiding a disconnect between who the characters were and where their personalities have drifted; satisfying nostalgic fans of the series while breathing life into a completely new story for the uninitiated. But since I’ve been spared—or disadvantaged—as a film critic by not having seen any of the original American Pie trilogy, this review delves solely into

the reunion as a brand-new experience. And frankly, it plays out as some kind of exclusive fan club meetup, to which I was not especially welcome; it was more like eavesdropping on a bunch of bawdy pals than sharing their goofy get-togethers with them as a spectator. Directed by Harold & Kumar’s Jon Hurwitz this time around, American Reunion picks up years after the place where the Pie series reportedly left off. It’s a little more than a decade later, and the juvenile jerks have returned to East Great Falls for

their Michigan high school reunion. The most clearly drawn character of the bunch is Jim (Jason Biggs), now married to his high school sweetheart Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) and raising a toddler together. But marriage is already a sour state of affairs for both mates. Parenting has taken its toll on their sex life and driven them into mutually exclusive erotic selfentertainment, so to speak. Hoping to rekindle their faded libidos during the trip back to where their relationship first ignited, the couple checks in at the home of Jim’s widower dad, Mr. Levenstein (Eugene Levy). And Levenstein happens to be wallowing in his own chronic funk, still a grieving hermit following the death of his wife years ago. As for the other characters and many additional story threads, it was an exhausting process distinguishing them, not only because they were exceedingly thinly drawn as personalities and much too rapidly alternating episodically, but the array of bottle-blond bimbos were bland enough to be nearly identical to one another, even if they happen to include Tara Reid and Mena Suvari. Stealing the show as an intended secondary personality is Levy, as he grabs laughs wandering down his own personal memory lane, high on clandestine reefer and hallucinating the lunacy and lingo of the Woodstock generation. You go, Dad.

haunted houses may be a bit obsolete. But an ATM? Who would have thought such a bland, functional pit stop along the way to somewhere else could hold impressively multifaceted implements for inducing such sheer psychological terror in its random captives? Brooks excels at mining the ATM’s elaborate mechanical devices and security systems for blowing minds, while teasingly exploiting all their potential flaws, along with the Roach Motel concept that locks can be a two way street, checking you in as well as the unthinkable other way around. ATM tracks the misfortunes of three young hotshot stockbrokers in a frosty suburb one late winter night, following an office Christmas party. Shy wimp David (Brian Geraghty) can’t muster up enough courage to hit on the company hottie, Emily (Alice Eve). But he manages to con her into a car ride home with him, after pursuing her outdoors with a scarf he steals from another woman, and pretending he thought it belonged to Emily. But this premeditated date scenario tanks after super-con coworker Corey (Josh Peck) insists that he get a ride home, too. But not before Corey demands they stop at the ill-fated ATM kiosk in question for a withdrawal in order to buy a pizza. Oh wait, it’s David’s money that Corey has in mind to withdraw, claiming his bank card isn’t working. Hey, these are financier hustlers, after all. Somehow they all end up in the ATM booth because it’s way below freezing out in the deserted parking lot, just as a creepy stalker in a hooded parka turns up outside, glaring at them. And when a stranger happens by walking his dog, the apparent maniac beats him to death for no particular reason. From that point on, he takes his time sadistically toying with the terrified trio, like trapped animals inside a glass cage. ATM accomplishes what all effective horror must do, and that is drum up enough visceral panic to put you in that booth with the victims—and at the freakish mercy of a madman with no discernible motive in mind. One moment of macabre humor does surface when David—who was recently responsible for a client losing half of his 401(k) savings—wonders out loud if the lunatic might just be an irate investment customer.

ATM IFC Films, Rated R

An ATM machine that comes up empty and proclaims you’re out of cash may not be the worst thing in the world. At least if director David Brooks has any say with his nerve-shredding electronic chiller, ATM. With the digital age in full swing, 44

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Welcome to South Shore Sportsman

ADVertorIAL

Long IsLand’s resource for tactIcaL suppLIes. B e s t

o f

L . I .

W I n n e r

Winner 1st Place Best sPorting goods store South Shore Sportsman is not your average dusky lit, whispering gun store. From the moment you enter the store, which is well lit, clean and totally visible from the road (no blacked out storefront windows) you will feel extremely at ease and comfortable. The staff is very friendly and helpful from the first time buyer to the experienced marksmen. We supply our clientele with a full line of tactical brand names and the experience to guide you through your purchase. Our educated staff offers professional and courteous service with extensive knowledge in firearms, optics and tactical supplies. south shore sPortsman offers “real tag” Pricing. Our pricing is honest, competitive and is backed by outstanding customer service. We are family friendly as well. While in the store you may see a few father and son customers shopping or you might find the kids in the lounge area equipped with a TV, magazines, and books to keep the family occupied while dad and mom shop. That’s right; women young and old are about 50% of our customer base. need a Product asaP? South Shore Sportsman, in just four years of operation has developed an AAA rating with its distributors. We receive the latest products from manufactures like; H & K, Kimber, Benelli, Glock, Bushmaster, FN Herstal and 5.11 Tactical just to name a few. If there is a product we do not have in stock... Rest assured that if it’s available… It will be in your hands within 72 hours. We dedicate ourselves on the customer experience, by providing you with a professional and knowledgeable staff.

s p o t L I g h t

not Just a gun store… The need for a one-stop shop for firearms and accessories is not a new concept that has now become common practice in today’s industry. South Shore Sportsman has taken this concept much further by offering Tactical Training, Security Guard Certification and Hunter Safety courses in our training facility located on premises. We strive to develop new practices to enhance our customer experience and loyalty.

Do You Have Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis? Winthrop-University Hospital Clinical Trials Center is seeking patients who have been diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis to test whether an investigational medication is safe and effective. To be eligible for the study, you must: 9 Lansdowne Ave. Merrick, NY 11566 (516) 992-0004 http://sportsmanli.com

� be 40 to 80 years of age � have been diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis for at least 6 months Eligible participants will receive study-related medical care and study medication at no cost. Study participants do not need health insurance to participate. Reimbursement for travel-related expenses may also be available. For more information, call 516-663-9582 or e-mail clinicaltrials@winthrop.org Visit us online at: www.winthrop.org/departments/clinical/ctn Conveniently located 1/2 block from the LIRR in Mineola

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Corolla, NC Vacation Homes! Over 500 Vacation Homes from Duck to Corolla, rindley Oceanfront to Soundfront, each Private Pools, Hot Tubs, Pets and More…

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Buildings for Sale HAS YOUR BUILDING SHIFTED OR SETTLED? Contact Woodford Brothers Inc, for straightening, leveling, foundation and wood frame repairs at 1-800-OLD-BARN. www.woodfordbros. com.Suffolk Cty~ License #41959-H Nassau Cty~ License #H18G7160000 Career Opportunities CDLA-Training (Tractor/ Trailer) Experience new challenges. Conditional pre-hires (prior to training), financial-aid, housing if qualified.† National Tractor Trailer School Liverpool/Buffalo, NY Branch 1-888243-9320 www.ntts.edu Consumer Information: www.ntts.edu/programs/disclosures Computer Repair Very rapid turnaround times. Full repairs and tune-ups. Hardware specialist with well below retail prices. Setups networking and general help. All problems addressed in terms that F e at u r e s

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community dock, pool and club house including owners guest suites. Build the house of your dreams! Unique bank foreclosure situation makes these lots available at 1/3 of original cost. Great climate, low taxes and National Seashore beaches nearby. Only $49,000 each or pond lots $65,000. Tel. (757) 824-5284 website: http://ViewWebPage.com/5EUO or email: oceanlandtrust@ yahoo.com Miscellaneous ATTEND COLLEGE ONLINE from home. *Medical, *Business,

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Crossword TEA PARTY ACROSS 1 Clean the decks 5 “Portnoy’s Complaint” author 9 “Woe is me!” 13 Strength 18 - Krishna 19 Neutral tone 20 Manifest 21 Pointless 22 What the Three Stooges drank 24 What Yo-Yo Ma drank 26 - pole 27 “American Pie” singer 29 Overshoe 30 Range rope 32 Synthetic fiber 34 Brahman or lama 38 Broadway backer 41 Vulgar 43 He may woo ewe 45 Concerning 46 What Sasquatch drank 49 What Queen Victoria drank 52 Oklahoma city 53 Bull in a china shop 54 Exploit 55 Crucifix 56 “Howards -” (‘92 film) 57 Had a hunch 60 Nonclerical 62 Assumed mane? 64 German chemist Otto 66 Hound or hamster

67 Forbid 68 Outtake 72 On the ball 74 What F. Lee Bailey drank 78 Billow 79 Longed for 81 Address abbr. 82 Exist 84 Tragic fate 85 What’s between Serena and Martina 86 Bat wood 87 - clover 90 Paddle 93 Siren 95 Steel support 97 Myriads of moons 98 - Jima 101 What Isaac Newton drank 103 What Martha Stewart drank 106 Reside 107 Eyebrow shape 109 The sky, at times? 110 Beginning 111 Bright inventor? 114 Make Fido fetch 116 Starts a lawn 118 Banyan or baobab 120 Refer (to) 122 - point 125 What Lech Walesa drank 129 What Gregor Mendel drank 132 Saying 133 Take the reins 134 Pennsylvania port 135 Atty.-to-be’s ordeal

136 Steven of “Wings” 137 Guam, for one: abbr. 138 Horned vipers 139 Actress Veronica DOWN 1 “Quiet!” 2 Stick around 3 Singer Guthrie 4 ‘60s phenomenon 5 French city 6 “Fall back” mo. 7 Aftershocks 8 Former Cong. group 9 For the birds 10 Loewe’s lyricist 11 - deco 12 Pencil piece 13 Sun screen 14 First 15 Gangster’s gun 16 TV’s “- Step Beyond” 17 Singer Chris 20 Supervise 23 Property professional 25 “Alley -” 28 Endured 31 Paul of “A Man for All Seasons” 33 Storch or King 35 Punta del 36 Actress Anna 37 Warty one 38 Flock o’ docs 39 Wordless greeting 40 Grinds 42 - -de-camp 44 Herd word 47 Interstate exit

48 Dwight’s competitor 50 Cry of distress 51 “Later, Luis!”

58 Remove a brooch 59 Sault - Marie, MI

61 Pangolin’s morsel 63 Dutch export 64 Possessed

Sudoku

65 Citrus cooler 67 Deli choice 68 Kind of clasp 69 Makes money 70 - trip 71 Sleep stage 73 Roman fountain 75 Helium or hydrogen 76 Plant pest 77 - Claire, WI 80 “L’-, c’est moi” 83 Wells creatures 86 In pieces 87 Feast’s alternative 88 City near Provo 89 Produced a cryptogram 90 Eye amorously 91 Parched 92 Sitarist Shankar 94 “Cry - River” (‘55 song) 96 “El Libertador” 99 Elfin 100 - bran 102 Trace

104 Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy 105 Teach 108 Kilauea, for one 112 Court cry 113 Teachers’ org. 115 “Doe, -, a female . . .” 117 Rapiers 119 Formerly, formerly 121 Perlman of “Cheers” 123 “- Heartache” (‘78 hit) 124 Shipbuilding wood 125 Shorten a slat 126 Horatian creation 127 Research site 128 Ideologue’s suffix 130 Tear 131 Demolished dessert

Last Week’s Answers

All Games © 2012 King Features Synd. All Rights Reserved

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Volume 10, Issue 14 - Clam Wars