Page 1

YOGAME Saying < retard > is bad. Thus the careful reader will understand the word  < retard > as a random letter sequence used to describe Character’s B specific Yoga skills instead of a depreciative term qualifying people diagnosed with mental retardation. Also, doing crack is bad.

DILETTANTE EDITION


YOGAME

DILETTANTE EDITION


To start, select a characterâ&#x20AC;&#x2030;: Please always remember to follow exclusively the instructions corresponding to your character. Note also that it is strictly forbidden to go back one step.


A Character A, go to fig. 67.

B Character B, go to fig. 12.

C Character C, go to fig. 15.

D Character D, go to fig. 10.

E Character E, go to page fig. 52.


B

fig. 01

When you will get bored of doing nothing but moving your feet take a decision. If you want to learn something, go to fig. 16. Character C is waiting for you. If you want to remain retarded because you think it’s comfortable go to fig. 69.


A

fig. 02

Touching one’s ass is boring at the end. If you feel lonely you can always go to fig. 28 to have a threesome.

D

fig. 03

This white ass is really tasty. If you want to break her arms, go to fig. 45. If you want to fuck her and character B alternatively, go to fig. 68. If you want to slap her in the face go to fig. 4. If you are not into any of these things, go to fig. 26.


D

fig. 04

Beating a girl is bad ! Go to fig. 70 without replying anything !

A

fig. 05

Invisible man didn’t like you opened your mouth and slapped you in the face so hard that you flipped over. It serves you right bitch ! Go fig. 69.


B

fig. 06

Fuck ! Character B, you dummy ass ! You are not helping. Go back to fig. 44.

D

fig. 07

This fucking retard gets what he deserves. If you want to continue kicking him in the face and want character A to hold him firmer, go to fig. 55.

A

fig. 08

Character B is not only a retard but is also a stubborn asshole and doesn’t want to practice. If you are tired because it’s really hard to teach something to a retard, go to fig. 2 to take a break. If you are persevering and want to show your authority, stay on this page. If you want to call character C to force character B to obey, go to fig. 64.


B

fig. 09

See ! Invisible man is invisible. But still he’s got only one dick. Go to fig. 71 you retard.

D

fig. 10

You have selected character D. Congratulations ! You are invisible and you have no butt. Thus you can only be a top. If you feel you also want to be fucked sometimes and / or don’t want to be invisible, you can change your character by going back to the character select page. If you like being invisible and look forward to fuck someone in the ass without he even notices, go to fig. 18.

A

fig. 11

Admittedly, invisible man is invisible. But still he has got only one dick. Go to fig. 71 you stupid bitch.


B

fig. 12

You have selected character B. Congratulations ! You are a complete retard. You spend your time doing nothing. If you can handle it, go to fig. 1. If not, go back to the character select page and choose a new one.


A

fig. 13

Character B is now eating your white ass. If you want him to eat your armpits, go to fig. 42. If you want him to eat your knee, go to fig. 40. If you feel like character B needs some exercise to eat asses properly and if you are willing to teach him some techniques, go to fig. 38.

B

fig. 14

You decided to punish character A for her unfair trick by breaking her left leg. Consequently, the threesome is over. Luckily, character C is still wainting for you. Go to fig. 63.


C

fig. 15

You have chosen character C. Congratulations ! You are high on crack and you don’t need anybody to show you how to fuck retarded people. If you like it and want to fuck him harder, go to fig. 49. If you think character B is really passive and useless you can use him as a necklace by going to fig . 58.

B

fig. 16

This is character C, your coach. He is high on crack. He started by teaching you how to be fucked hard in the ass. If you also want to learn how to fuck, go to fig. 20 to practice you thrust. If you want to wait until you ass is completely destroyed, just stay here.

A

fig. 17

Character C thought that you didn’t want to participate in the threesome anymore. Thus he decided to fuck character B in the ass in a private room. You missed the opportunity to make out with real persons. Go to fig. 70.


D

fig. 18

You are fucking character B in the ass. Character B doesn’t see you at all. In addition character B is retarded and it is really difficult to fuck him because he fidgets too much. If you want to ask for character A’s help to hold him, go to fig. 36. If you prefer that it is character C who holds him, go to fig. 66. If you just want to content yourself with character A’s ass go to fig. 3.

A

fig. 19

You almost made character B blind. If you want to call an ambulance go to fig. 70. If you want to call character C to know what he would do in such a case go to fig. 47.


B

fig. 20

You really look retarded. But still, character C is offering you a threesome with character A. If you accept without really knowing what a threesome is, go to fig. 29. If you refuse because you feel like you have to fuck one person at a time to start, you can either try to fuck character A by going to fig. 56 or character C by going to fig. 63. If you think you still aren’t able to fuck for real stay here and practice your thrust. At some point, check out with character C if your move is correct by going to fig. 51.

D

fig. 21

While you were having a break, character B tried to fuck you. Character B is really retarded. He thought you had a butt. But you don’t. And he doesn’t even know you exist. If you like it still, you can always stay on this page. If you prefer fucking character B without lube to make it clear that nobody has to try to fuck you in the ass, go to fig. 31. If you think these kind of childish stuff are not funny anymore since you are invisible and decide to put a gerbil up to character B’s ass, go to fig. 35.


B

fig. 22

Character A is trying to draw a line with her body. If you are impressed and want to see more, go to fig. 27. If you think this trick is out-of-date, go to fig. 41. If you think this trick is non-regulatory, go to fig. 14. If you think this trick is self-centered, go to fig. 39.

A

fig. 23

Apparently your arm is in perfect shape. If you want to be fucked again by invisible man, go to fig. 46. If you want to participate in a threesome with real persons, go to fig. 28.


B

fig. 24

Character C is high on crack and doesn’t want to explain to you how to fuck. Go to fig. 69.

C

fig. 25

Making eyes at character B is totally useless. He is retarded. Go to fig. 70.


D

fig. 26

Obviously, you were not taking advantage to all the possibilities your invisibility power offered. Thus it has been decided to take it back to you. It is over son of a bitch ! Go to fig. 70.

B

fig. 27

This is crazy. Character A just transformed into character D, who simultaneously lost his invisibility power. If you think character A and character D are in reality the same person, go to fig. 9. If you think all that shit is beyond you comprehension anyway and just want to be invisible too, go to fig. 18 and, from now on, follow character D’s instruction.


A

fig. 28

You arranged a threesome with a retard and a dude high on crack. If you decide to teach the retard to fuck properly go to fig. 38. If you are a lazy bitch and just want your ass to be bitten go to fig. 13. If you definitely prefer to fuck with invisible man on your own go back to fig. 46. If you think you are not enough people and want to call invisible man to join, go to fig. 61.

B

fig. 29

You have absolutely no control of the current situation. You don’t even understand what is going on. Go to fig. 33.

C

fig. 30

You called character A to have a threesome. If you feel like you want to touch character B’s butt go to fig. 60. If you don’t really know what you want because you are too high on crack, go to fig. 34.


D

fig. 31

Now that character B has been beaten hard it’s easier to fuck him, even without lube. If you want to fuck character A, go to fig. 3. If you want to fuck character A and character B alternatively, go to fig. 68.

B

fig. 32

You called the police because character C was really shredding your ass. If you want to try to stand up with your broken ass, go to fig. 44. If you want to call character C back to help you to stand up, go to fig. 48.


B

fig. 33

What the fuck is going on ? God ! If you think it’s even more boring than doing nothing, go to fig. 1. If you guess you have to do something because character A and character C are expecting something great from you, you can try to impress them with a special move by going to fig. 54.

C

fig. 34

Fuck ! You are really high dude ! You should take a nap. Go to fig. 69.

D

fig. 35

Character C and character A are holding character B’s ass tight. If you don’t have any gerbil and were just saying bullshit to show off, go to fig. 26. If you really intend to do it, go to fig. 69.


D

fig. 36

You are not expected to fuck such a retard. It would be mean. If you want to beat the shit out of him instead, go to fig. 7.

B

fig. 37

Character A is trying to stand you up but she seems too weak. If you want to continue looking like a definitive retard, stay on this page. If you want her to try with the other arm go to fig. 6.

A

fig. 38

First you have to teach character B how to not look like a retard. If you think he doesn’t look so much like a retard, go to fig. 69. If you are a perversion teacher and want to wait until he doesn’t look like a retard anymore, stay on this page. If you want to go directly to step two, because you think he will remain retarded anyway, go to fig. 8.


B

fig. 39

You decided to punish character C for her selfish move by breaking her right leg. Hence, the threesome is over. Luckily, character C is still waiting for you. Go to fig. 63.

A

fig. 40

Character B is now going to eat your knee. If after all you want him to eat your armpits go to fig. 42. IF you want to fully enjoy the moment and let out a fart on character B’s face, go to fig. 19.


B

fig. 41

You decided to punish character A for her outmoded move by breaking her shoulder. Therefore, the threesome is over. Luckily, character C is still waiting for you. Go to fig. 63.

A

fig. 42

Character B is now going to eat your armpits but you realized you forgot to shave them. If you have enough respect towards character B, even if you know he is really retarded, go to fig. 13 to get your ass bitten again. If you don’t give a shit and still want him to go forehead, go to fig. 69.


D

fig. 43

You are fucking character A and character B alternatively. If you want to change of partner again, go to fig. 68. If you want to have a break, go to fig. 21.

B

fig. 44

Retard ! You can’t even stand up. If you decide to ask for character A’s help go to fig. 37. If you prefer to call character C back to help you while character A is making sure that no one will no try to destroy your ass again, go to fig. 59.


D

fig. 45

You are invisible but you are not strong enough to break her arms. Go to fig. 69, you weak ass bitch !

A

fig. 46

Invisible man is fucking you hard. If you like it, but still, want to check if he didn’t break your arms, go to fig. 23. If you want to tell invisible man that he is beginning to be slightly too violent with you, go to fig. 5.


A

fig. 47

Character C is doing a real good job. You should probably take a break and let him take control of the situation. Go to fig. 71.

B

fig. 48

Character C is fucking you hard. If you feel pain, go to fig. 32. If not, wait longer.

C

fig. 49

You are still really high on crack and you give all what you have. If you are now into doing a threesome, go to fig. 30. If you want character B to fuck you because you consider it’s your turn to get, go to fig. 62.


B

fig. 50

It seems that your training session was very helpful. Character A is definitely getting what she deserves. When you’re done, go to fig. 73.


B

fig. 51

Character C was bored looking at you trying to fuck the air. He is taking a nap. If you think you still need some exercise before fucking a real person, go back to fig. 20. If you decide to try to fuck character A go to fig. 50. If you decide to try to fuck character C go to fig. 63. If you want to take a nap too, go to fig. 71.


E

fig. 52

You have chosen character E. Congratulations ! However your pants are not regulatory. Go directly to fig. 70.


C

fig. 53

Your necklace is retarded ! You cannot even walk with it. Go to fig. 71.

B

fig. 54

Good job. Character C is very impressed. Character A is even a bit jealous and wants to show off too. If you want to look at her move, go to fig. 22. If you want to ignore her, go to fig. 63.


D

fig. 55

Great ! Character B starts to be scared of you even if he is not supposed to know you exist. If you want to try again to fuck him, go to fig. 31.

B

fig. 56

Fucking a real person is not as easy as you thought. You should have practice more before trying to fuck character A, or you should have taken a nap. Go to fig. 71 before she gets the ever-living shit out of you.


B

fig. 57

Good ! Your legs didn’t break. Character C is quite impressed. Howewer that’s not the way character C usually like to be fucked. Go back to work at fig. 63.

C

fig. 58

Here is your necklace. If you like it you can try to walk with it by going to fig. 53. If you don’t, please fuck him so hard that he will remember it forever by going to fig. 49.


B

fig. 59

Character A and character C helped you to stand up. Now that character C is nice with you, you are upset because he has been charged with drug possession. If you feel guilty and want to apologize for your inappropriate reaction go to fig. 69. If you think character C was too high on crack to understand what was happening and just want to keep, going go to fig. 29. If you are scared that character C will become violent again, you can escape by going to fig. 65.

C

fig. 60

Beating character B’s butt is really exciting. If you feel like character A is quite useless in the current situation and prefer to have character B for yourself go back to fig. 49. If you think she is doing a real good partner stay on this page and keep beating character B’s butt.

A

fig. 61

Invisible man is now shoving his invisible dick in your vagina. If you think character C is also being fucked by invisible man in the same time go to fig. 11. I f you want invisible man to hold your arms firmly, then drop character B’s legs and go to fig. 17.


C

fig. 62

You forgot that character B was retarded because you are too high on crack. He is not able to fuck you in the ass. If you want to make eyes at him, go to fig. 25. If you want to wait longer to see if he will finally manage to fuck you, stay on this page.

B

fig. 63

You don’t know what to do and are very anxious. If you want to wait for character C to guide you, go to fig. 24. If you want to try a special trick, go to fig. 57.


A

fig. 64

Character C is trying his best to force character B to practice. However character B is so fucking dumb ! If you decide to give up, go to fig. 71. If you want to give character C permission to show you one of his techniques to calm real retards who don’t listen, go to fig. 47.

B

fig. 65

You Jerk ! Did you really think character C would let you go like that ? Go to fig. 71.

D

fig. 66

Character B really looks like a retard. If you think he is intimidated by character C’s presence and prefers asking for character A’s assistance go to fig. 37. If you want to kick his dummy ass, go to fig. 7. Character A will be glad to hold him for you.


A

fig. 67

You have chosen character A. Congratulations ! You like to touch your ass sometimes. It makes you squirt. If you want to continue to touch your butt, go to fig. 2. If you want to pretend you are being fucked by an invisible man who is treating you like shit, go to fig. 46. If you get bored of touching yourself, go to fig. 28 to participate in a threesome.

D

fig. 68

You are fucking character A and character B alternatively. As soon as you want to change of partner, go to fig. 43.


fig. 69

Obviously your yoga master didn’t teach you how to succeed at YOGAme. You can either go back to the character select page to choose a new one or go kick your yoga master in the face while he is in a subconscious state of peace.

fig. 70

If you land on this page it means you probably don’t have all the yoga capabilities this game requires. You can either go back to the character select page to choose a new one or practice your yoga skills in the real life, in wich case, please never come back.

fig. 71

If you land on this page it means that you are character B or that you are as retarded as character B. Go back to to the character select page  to choose a new character or just give up to continue your miserable life.


GAME OVER


A

fig. 72

You cheated. Bitch ! You are far too dumb to land on this page. Go back to the character select page.

B

fig. 73

Congratulations ! You just won YOGAME ! Do you feel less retarded now ? If yes, you can now try to fuck for real out of this game. If not, go to the character select page .

C

fig. 74

You are definitely too high on crack to win this game. Go back to bed fig. 71.

D

fig. 75

You are not even invisible. How do you want to win this game ? Take you shit out of here, fig. 70.

E

fig. 76

You haven’t even started the game. You can’t have reached this page. Don’t cheat. Go fuck yourself fig. 69.


YOU WIN


Q. S.  L. U.

Saying < retard > is bad. Thus the careful reader will understand the word  < retard > as a random letter sequence used to describe Character’s B specific Yoga skills instead of a depreciative term qualifying people diagnosed with mental retardation. Also, doing crack is bad. YOGAME by  : Quentin Schwaab : www.schwaab.hyperphp.com Loïc Untereiner : www.loicuntereiner.fr Originals images from : HUEBER / HOLTZMANN, Yoga Elementarkurs, (Band 1 Bewegen), Rocque Lobo, 1987.

December 2012.


Q. S. / L. U.

Yogame  

Saying < retard > is bad. Thus the careful reader will understand the word  < retard > as a random letter sequence used to describe Characte...

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