Finding Resilience

Page 1







words: sarah j ray photo: lizzy mau

I’M SURE THAT, like me, many of you passed through the Five Stages of Panic/Confusion/ Anxiety due to the Pandemic: the “what the f**k is going on?”, the “should I be sanitizing the table at the library? I’ll just go wash my hands right now as a study break,” the “all of the sudden I have to move out for an indefinite period of time” OR “I don’t know where I’ll be spending my spring quarter,” the “sitting in a breakout room with cameras and mics off,” and finally, “this is my reality now.” Coming to the final stage took a level of resilience that we as college students developed sometime between chugging the fourth Yerb of the day and trying to fit 20 hours of that part-time job in and crying our sorrows away while watching the sunset at Sands. This shelter-in-place and sudden lack of social life/Yerba Mate/employment allowed us to figure out where this resilience came from. Whether it’s working through anxiety in your field, reflecting on some high school poetry, dreaming about the spring quarter couldhave-beens, or fighting for change on campus, we all have worked through challenges and developed coping mechanisms that help us remain functional in times like these. This zine is a collection of some reflections, poems, stories, and art that all embody the resilience being developed during this time. Ultimately, I hope that this zine lets you know that you are not alone. I hope you can see that through community work, we can identify what’s hurting us and the steps we need to take in order to create a world we want to live in. Thank you to everyone who contributed to this and thank you Professor Gray for your help in getting everything together! Lizzy Mau Environmental Studies UCSB Class of 2022

All filler photos are taken from 3

a love story cut short by coronavirus joshen mantai


— along with my friend Kallie and her love interest, Nathaniel, are all members of club lacrosse, which is where this story begins. Nathaniel is a timid and very hot (as you can imagine) German foreign exchange student who was studying at UCSB for the year, and who happened to be on our recreational club team. You might ask, how exactly did this crush ignite? Well, the answer is not simple. Kallie didn’t just see Nathaniel one day and profess her love for him on account of his dimples and dashing good looks. This love story actually started with Nathaniel making the first move. He asked Kallie for a ride to one of our first club socials: bowling night. After zooming in on his Facebook profile pic, Kallie knew she was in deep trouble. When she took too long to reply and Nathaniel found a ride with someone else, she began to develop a small crush for this man and the potential of them being together. Because I did not go to bowling night, I initially thought her developing crush was a joke. Only after I met him in person did I realize how serious it was. At first, Kallie couldn’t figure out exactly which guy Nathaniel was (there were quite a few foreign boys on our team), but she soon discovered he was the 4

best all-around guy amongst them all. Although he was only going to be at UCSB for a meager year, she was determined to swoop in and cuff this man. After their first encounter, Nathaniel and Kallie began to engage in small talk at lacrosse practice, slowly getting to know each other, but nothing romantic ever quite came to fruition. To escalate matters, Kallie stumbled upon his “spot” on the third floor of the library, where he could be seen chatting with his hot foreign friends almost every day. You might be wondering … how does this relate to the story? Well, our group of friends soon made that section of the library our spot as well, running into him almost every time we were there. These encounters were short and sweet, enough for his pervading charm to continue to impress her (even when he showed up to the library with his hair parted IN THE MIDDLE one time). Kallie and Nathaniel gradually became friends. Kallie messaged Nathaniel about the best spots to visit in Germany. They attended several more club parties together, flirting at times and sweetly embracing at a lacrosse party after Nathaniel protected Kallie from an annoying drunk guy.

Perhaps the biggest buildup to their potential romance took place at the last club lacrosse party. Nathaniel unexpectedly messaged Kallie that night, asking her if she was going to pregame before the party and if he could tag along. Well, little did Nathaniel know that we were hosting a pregame that night at our friend Peach’s house. We had little time to prepare for his arrival, as he showed up a few minutes later in an impressively appealing allbeige outfit (maybe emulating Kanye West? Not sure). He pregamed and walked with us all the way to the 68 block of Sueno, a walk that included several cute, witty exchanges with Kallie. He also spent a long time with us at the party, in imminent anticipation of hooking up with Kallie. All of a sudden, it happened: Our friend group collectively turned around and Nathaniel was gone, having vanished from the party like a ghost in the night. It turned out that the only thing Nathaniel contributed to that night was some terrible tasting beer, leaving without even a goodbye kiss to our beloved Kallie. This was perhaps the climax of their romance, but Kallie was determined not to give up. She still had a quarter left to make something happen between the two of them. And this, my friends, is where the story takes a turn for the worse. The destruction began to unfold when Kallie and I were texting and discussing the impending doom of our yet to be canceled finals due to the coronavirus apocalypse. PING! A Facebook notification popped up on my phone, and the shocked expression on my face said it all. There it was: a post on Free & For Sale by Nathaniel, who was trying to sell his (very dirty) bike for $200. My shocked reaction was actually caused by the high price tag, but I quickly realized the more important matter at hand: He must have been selling his bike due to his foreseeable departure from UCSB. I hesitated to break this news to Kallie but texted her my inferences about the whole scenario. At first, she refused to believe it before realizing I could be right. I decided to reach out to Nathaniel myself so Kallie wouldn’t have to. Unfortunately, he told me that

he had already booked a flight back to Germany. He expressed his sadness at being unable to say goodbye to all of his fellow club lacrosse players, as he most likely would not be able to return to America, thanks to Trump’s European travel ban. Heartbroken, Kallie texted Nathaniel goodbye, calling him her “favorite German boy.” Nathaniel thanked Kallie for their memories, even offering Kallie future recommendations for other spots to visit in Europe. After this abrupt goodbye, one of Kallie’s and my friends, Taylor, saw Nathaniel running down Pardall Road the day after. What exactly was he running toward? Was he running to finally profess his love for Kallie? Or was he running to get a cheeseburger from the Habit Grill? The world may never know. To this day, I still wonder. I’m sure you’re wondering: Is this the end of the story? This can’t be it. Well, Kallie is studying in Denmark in the fall, a short flight away from Nathaniel’s home. While the reconnection of these two lovebirds is somewhat unlikely, we can only hope that fate may play a hand in their paths crossing again. You also might be wondering how I am managing to recount this whole story right now, but I’ll have you know that writing it has, in fact, kept me sane during this crisis. This story is meant to be a lighthearted distraction from all the stress we may currently be facing, but on a more serious note, points toward how quickly life can change and shows the importance of living life to the fullest, as we never know how long it will be until we see our loved ones again.


this quiz will determine if you had a crush on your lab partner or not did you actually look forward to going to lab?

if you answered yes, just hit them up already!

dear _________, surprise! i may (or may not) have had a teeny weeny itsy bitsy ~crush~ on you. sadly, our potential to live out our rom-com moments were cut short... let’s go on a zoom date? yes! sorry, i’m not interested! 7


“Getting into art has made me feel a lot better emotionally” RUTH ALCANTARA PEREZ


7 things to watch while quarantining joshen mantai 10

1. On My Block 2. I Am Not Okay With This 3. Spinning Out 4. Soundtrack 5. Love Is Blind 6. Chilling Adventures of Sabrina 7. You

(the scener chrome extension lets you video chat while watching shows with your pals!) 11

ECO ANX IETY yuki huang


I FIRST CAME ACROSS this idea of climate anxiety or ecoanxiety when I began working on the ES Story Project with Professor Summer Gray. ES Story Project is about discovering the stories and narratives of people involved in the field of environmental studies, specifically focusing on our own ES program including faculty, staff, and students. We came up with three or so themes, and worked to produce them into a final product like a podcast, blog, or some sort of interactive piece. As a group of us sat down during our first meeting for the project, one of the questions that came up is, “How did we come into the ES program in the first place?” We discovered that everyone had relatively different, yet also surprisingly similar journeys. By this I mean, we all found our passion for the environment through different means, but the striking similarity is how much our view of the study has changed. Starting off as idealistic optimists ready to combat climate change at a day’s notice to being stuck with the hard-hitting reality than things are not so simple and easy as they seem. The progression can be characterized almost like its own unique Five Stages of Grief process. As we were talking through these feelings, it seemed like we all shared a common emotion, but we weren’t quite sure how to pinpoint it. Then finally, one of us mentions the term “ecoanxiety” and it was like a “aha!” moment. It felt so validating to put a term on it, that was when I began to really look into this idea and research who I could interview for this. It wasn’t just about gathering information for our project, I was motivated to find out more about this for myself too.

Throughout my time in the ES program, I have gone through a push and pull with the emotional rollercoaster of trying to come to terms with the current climate crisis. I am nowhere near perfect when it comes to handling my ecoanxiety, but, if anything, I have learned that there is no final destination. It is this constant grapple that fuels the passion that I have for what I believe in, and when the going gets rough, I know that I always have people on the same boat as me to lean on. The best examples of that I can think of always lead me back to Santa Barbara. Whether it be in Professor Gray’s office where I had my “aha!” moment, or another equally inspiring moment was at the 50 Years After the SB Oil Spill Commemoration Event about a year ago. The gathering of people of diverse backgrounds for the sole purpose of saving the planet is how I have found my community that I can always lean on, and bounce forward with. I think that when it comes to personal resilience, there is nothing more important than community, family, and connection to a network of people you care about.

After conducting and listening to several interviews, I grew more and more interested. As I was researching, I came across one of Sarah Ray’s lectures at Swarthmore College and it was so interesting to hear things from her perspective as an educator (you can listen to it here: https:// It has allowed me to understand the emotions that I and many others are going through, and how to effectively process and channel them.


YUKI’S CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES 1 1/2 cups flour 1 1/4 tsp kosher salt 3/4 tsp baking soda 3/4 cup unsalted butter 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 1/4 cup granulated sugar 1 large egg 2 egg yolks 2 tsp vanilla extract 6 oz. bittersweet chocolate (60-70% cacao) semi sweet chocolate chips or coarsely chopped

Place racks in upper and lower thirds of oven; preheat to 375°. Whisk flour, salt, and baking soda in a small bowl; set aside. Cook ½ cup (1 stick; 113 g) butter in a large saucepan over medium heat, swirling often and scraping bottom of pan with a heatproof rubber spatula, until butter foams, then browns, about 4 minutes. Transfer butter to a large heatproof bowl and let cool 1 minute. Cut remaining ¼ cup (½ stick; 56 g) butter into small pieces and add to brown butter (it should start to melt but not foam and sizzle, so test with one piece before adding the rest). Once butter is melted, add both sugars and whisk, breaking up any clumps, until sugar is incorporated and no lumps remain. Add egg and egg yolks and whisk until sugar dissolves and mixture is smooth, about 30 seconds. Whisk in vanilla. Using rubber spatula, fold reserved dry ingredients into butter mixture just until no dry spots remain, then fold in chocolate (the dough will be soft but should hold its shape once scooped; if it slumps or oozes after being scooped, stir dough back together several times and let rest 5–10 minutes until scoops hold their shape as the flour hydrates). Using a 1½-oz. scoop (3 Tbsp.), portion out 16 balls of dough and divide between 2 parchment-lined rimmed baking sheets. Bake cookies, rotating sheets if cookies are browning very unevenly (otherwise, just leave them alone), until deep golden brown and firm around the edges, 8–10 minutes. Let cool on baking sheets. Adapted from Bon Appetit




I live in a world of confusion My brain tricks me My body does not know what it wants The people around me are always looking for the next Why am I confused Live happy‌ That is the point, right? I want to help I want to make the world a better place How do I do that? Is it wrong of me to not know what I want Is it wrong to live in such confusion that I ask what to do everytime I awake I think not I think when it is time for me to understand my purpose, I will Until then I will work and play and love and live I will live each day as if it is the first day of the rest of my life

Life has just begun, what are you going to do with it?

Greysun Stattin



ciara thrower

FOR THE PAST YEAR, I have been working on getting rid of the Undergraduate European Traditions requirement. Ever since I was admitted to UCSB and looked over the GE requirements, the European Traditions requirement always felt wrong to me. Seeing as throughout K-12 education, students learn about Europe and its impact on America, I found it odd that it was still mandated that we learn about Europe exclusively. So, at the beginning of my third year I asked so friends and the online UCSB community for their input. I was surprised by how many people agreed with me, so I embarked on a journey to end the requirement. At the beginning of winter quarter I had a meeting with the head of the academic senate, set up meetings with professors for their support and began writing what became a 15 page proposal that I put so much energy into creating. I felt empowered that I actually did something that could potentially change the university for a long time. Seeing as students do not often do this, it was awesome to build something that would better academic life and diversify the student experience by exposing them to the importance of other cultures. At the end of winter quarter, I had the honor of being endorsed by the AS senate and had a article written about the proposal by the 18

Daily Nexus. I felt so good having things actually happening. Then, COVID-19 hit. COVID-19 seriously disrupted a lot of my plans related to and not related to the proposal specifically. I am a rising fourth year and had many plans abruptly ended because of the pandemic. Taking 193CR and learning about personal resilience helped me understand that in dire situations, it is imperative to continue growing and continue fighting for what you want to accomplish. So, I recently sent out a final draft of my proposal on my social media accounts to continue to rally support and get my peers excited for what will come next. After I look over each and every revision, I will then send it to the professors that have been working so diligently in helping me turn my vision into a reality. Hopefully this summer, via zoom, I will meet with the academic senate and they will go over my concerns. I really have high hopes that they will see where I’m coming from and then remove this requirement for undergrads. It is imperative that we all keep trying to make the best out of this collective unfortunate situation. If my senior year gets cancelled, at least I can continue to fight for my goals and further instances of social justice on and off our campus.

I felt

EMPOWERED that I actually did something that could potentially

change the university for a long time.



carlos fernandez


INGREDIENTS • Pacific Sea Bass • Common Octopus • Medium Sized Shrimp • Habanero Chilis or Aji Chili • Avocado • Sour Cream or Mexican Crema • Cilantro and Micro Cilantro • Small Corn Tortillas • Red Onion • Red Wine Vinegar • White Sugar • Pink Pepper Corn • Bay Leaves • Rosemary • Thyme • Xantham Gum

OVER THE COURSE of the last three years, I found By using seafood and ingredients more natural myself falling in love with the food & beverage to the California environment, I can also express industry. Thus, in the middle of my college career, I a message of eco-friendliness. By making food decided to take a drastic step towards what I have uniquely our own, we are capable of allowing for realized will be my career. After having worked for those dishes to continue to thrive generation after Woodstock’s Pizza for a couple years and being an generation. The most popular foods in the world are avid home cook, I decided to try my luck working constantly developed, and that’s what allows them in a professional kitchen. Ironically, despite being to be popular for hundreds of years. If that wasn’t discouraged in regard to my academic future and enough, the origin of Ceviche itself is also that of having to take multiple years off, I stumbled upon sustainability. In order to not waste food, remaining Environmental Studies as a “last resort.” What I fish and its scraps would be cured in order to have would come to realize is that I didn’t just “stumble” longer durability. Due to refrigeration, that is no upon Environmental Studies, I was destined for it. longer an issue. The issues we come across now is During one of these gap years, I was working nearly overusing ingredients not readily available to us, or 14 hours a day in a professional not in season, as well as a high kitchen, and soon I was chance of using non-organic I didn’t just underway studying sustainability produce. This is why I opted out and environmentalism while “stumble” upon of using sweet potato and corn, working in a place I could finally and used California Organic see a career blossoming. By that Environmental ingredients instead. Along with point I had established myself Studies, I was that, I also needed to plate this as a cook with great potential, way that represented the destined for it. intruea beauty and one of my first creations was of the dish. I hope this dish. By definition, ceviche one day to own and operate my is cured seafood using citrus own Brewery Restaurant using juice, typically lime or lemon, seasoned with various culture and sustainability as tools in our everyday spices. The inspiration was from having tasted work. I invite all of you to simply Google “Peruvian traditional Peruvian ceviche. This dish however, Ceviche” images and see for yourself the difference includes my Mexican heritage, California heritage, in plating and presentation. And if anyone is and a sustainability mindset. Typically, you’d see interested in the taste, I’d be more than happy to sweet potato, dehydrated corn, and a soup-like provide instructions. Food is a powerful tool we texture. In addition, there would not be any chips, have, as it is one of the few things that we all come avocado nor cilantro. “Alma de Peru” translates to in contact with every day despite our differences. “Soul of Peru.” I decided to name it this because of its traditional essence. Though at a surface level it is not Peruvian Ceviche, it is still an homage to my inspiration while also including my own unique touch.


Fear not your stillness The Earth will rejoice in your Silent permission Quieted people And so whistling goes the wind Through a cleaner air Calm befalls the day Burdened breath, strained and shallowed Fills lungs leisurely The grass which cowered Beneath your trampling footsteps Stretches towards the sun Walking goes the man Who rushes through hurried days Today he moves slow Sparkling are the stars With or without laudation Greeting their neighbors Notice the world now Spinning, still, about the sun Not by guiding hands Mother is breathing Steady your mind, receive life Great realizations 22


In times of most darkness, in times of the night, there remains a small vision, a vision of light. Wherever you go, no matter the length, there will always be hope, and with it comes strength. ETHAN THOMAS




It is super seductive and like a dopamine hit to pay attention to all the urgency and the fear and the bad, and we often feel like we are not woke enough if we arent paying attention to how evil everyone else is. But it really is a form of great profound self-preservation to resist paying all of our attention to all of that stuff, we need to know enough of it to have a good analysis, but when we need to really cultivate our attention to the things we want to grow in a very intentional way, it requires discipline.



ray 25

want to know more? contact Summer Gray at