Mastering Anger

Mastering Anger

By Larry Heath Communications should be addressed to: Turning Point Ministries, Inc. P. O. Box 22127 Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127 Web site: www.LivingFree.com Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright© 1972, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.

Excerpts from Anger: Our Master or Our Servant are used by permission of Turning Point Ministries, Inc. ©Turning Point, 2006. All rights reserved. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the Turning Point Ministries.

ISBN 1-58119-068-9

Produced by

Cover Design and Layout: Louise Lee Cover Photo: Comstock, Inc.

About the Author Larry Heath has served in local church ministry for over 40 years. Having served eight churches in two major denominations, he has developed extensive experience in pastoral counseling, marriage and family enrichment, and support group ministries.

Much of his ministry is devoted to individual, couple, and family counseling; marriage enrichment seminars and retreats; and small group leadership training.

He is the author of the Living Free curriculum Anger: Our Master or Our Servant and is a certified Living Free facilitator/trainer.

He is married and has two grown sons and grandchildren. His heart’s desire is to see people living free as God intended.

Contents

Preface

Why This Little Book on Anger? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

Chapter 1

Let’s Begin the Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Chapter 2

What Is Anger? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Chapter 3

What Causes Anger? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

Chapter 4

The Inappropriate Use of Anger (Part 1) . . . . . . . . . 13

Chapter 5

The Inappropriate Use of Anger (Part 2) . . . . . . . . . 17

Chapter 6

Beginning Steps and Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20

Chapter 7

Moving Ahead Step-by-Step . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23

Chapter 8

Managing Anger in Family Relationships . . . . . . . . . . 27

Chapter 9

Accepting Responsibility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32

Chapter 10

Where Do We Go from Here? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

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Preface Why This Little Book on Anger?

The importance of a vibrant, healthy faith is often seen as unrelated to one’s feelings. However, the stewardship of our mental health is vital in developing a well-balanced faith. Therefore, it is becoming more and more essential that we see how our feelings function and how to manage or express them biblically.

One of the greatest concerns we have seen in this area is that Christians find it particularly difficult to accept the fact that anger exists in their lives. Many see anger as a feeling that is contradictory to their faith and “walk in the Spirit,� but the Bible presents some clear principles on how to manage anger.

With spouse abuse, child abuse, violence, and depression on the rise in our culture, it is clear that anger and its potential for evil or righteousness need to be addressed from a biblical perspective.

Few of us have been taught how to live with our feelings. We are taught how to think, but feelings often overwhelm and master the Christian. This material provides a challenging journey into the powerful emotion of anger.

My prayer for you as you read the following pages is that this challenging journey into the creative use of anger will lead you to a healthy faith and a greater understanding of this powerful Godgiven energy of anger.

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Chapter 1 Let’s Begin the Journey First Steps . . .

This little book on anger is about something very basic that can loom large in one’s daily life. Anger is a basic human emotion that is frequently not understood and quite often poorly managed. All of us have lost our tempers and lashed out at God, others, and ourselves. Some have silently boiled in frustration or even raged at someone or something.

Anger may be the most common emotional feeling we humans share. It is one of the earliest emotions expressed by an infant. As the infant develops some security with parents, he will begin to display infant anger and rage. We have all seen that sweet little baby stiffen his body, exhibit a change in facial expressions, scream, and express his frustrations. This is normal in a loving environment where a child expresses anger within certain supportive boundaries set by parents. Perhaps you have heard the following story: A mother heard her four-year old son screaming and crying from the basement where he was watching his father build cabinets. Fearing the boy had been seriously hurt, she opened the door and saw him crying on the steps. “What in the world is wrong with you?” she demanded.

Through his tears the little boy replied, “Daddy hit his thumb with the hammer.”

“If Daddy hit his thumb with the hammer, then why are you crying?”

“Well…I didn’t cry at first,” he explained. “I laughed.”

Children raised in this kind of environment soon learn to hide their anger as much as possible. Certainly children may not get much help from parents in learning how to manage their anger and often 3

feel guilty for experiencing the feelings of anger and downright sinful for expressing them.

We are often intrigued at this emotion. Almost voyeuristically we watch popular daytime TV talk shows, view sports events that are tainted with fights and brawls among athletes and fans, read the latest road rage incident in the newspaper, or see the 6 o’clock local news reports of victim abuse. Although we may pass quickly over these brief, distant, episodic, and entertaining looks at anger and whether we understand it or like it, anger is here to stay!

Anger can slowly and quietly penetrate our daily lives. It can fester unrecognized. It can be there when people grieve their losses. It can often appear hand in hand with the emotional storm of depression. It can simmer in our personal relationships and then unexpectedly boil over in an interpersonal exchange with someone we love dearly or someone we do not know at all. The encounter can be face-to-face or indirectly delivered through attitudes and behaviors. It can show up in our closest relationships, especially our marriages. At this moment somewhere in your community, city, or state, there are those who are escalating their voices in an angry argument which will result in angry verbal exchanges of criticism, defensiveness, and abusive language that will hurt and humiliate one another.

What we experience and learn about our anger can greatly affect our understanding and management of this powerful emotional energy so that it becomes either our servant or our master. We can learn to be creative in the expression of this energy so that we profit from it and not sin in our expression of our anger. This is vital in developing a healthy faith and emotional maturity.

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Chapter 2

What Is Anger?

Without emotional expression, life would be “unfelt” and appear as only rational or cognitive. However, thoughts and behaviors are connected to our feelings. Rational thought alone will not provide the energy needed to function as human beings in experiencing life. We all require feelings to sufficiently motivate us to do the enjoyable in life as well as experience suffering and pain.

We all face situations each day that evoke energy we express as anger such as a slow driver in front of us, the loss of a job, a health crisis, misunderstandings, and of course, larger issues like a divorce, a natural disaster, etc. We find some interesting ways to talk about our anger with ourselves and with others: “I am boiling mad.” “Who does he think he is?” “He burns me up!” “I am so stupid!” Some favorite responses when we are trying to control this emotion are “cool down for a few minutes” or “count to ten.”

As indicated previously, anger is often a misunderstood emotion.

In order to understand it, we first need to define it. Anger is generally felt as intense energy or a progressive surge of emotional energy that involves one’s thoughts, feelings (or emotions), and behaviors (or actions).

When we experience this emotion, we find it hard to separate these three parts.

In Your Emotional and Spiritual Power, Dr. Richard D. Dobbins defines anger as “unexpressed energy.” A physiological response.

A biochemical reaction is triggered which results in the creation of unusual amounts of energy for your use in facing a perceived threat . . . .Once you are angry you are in possession of energy which cannot be destroyed. Until you determine what form the expression of your energy will take, you have committed no sin. Your moral chal5

lenge is this: you are responsible to determine what you will do with the energy your anger has created” (p. 82).

Therefore, we should see anger as a God-created energy and not as a sinful creation. Because anger is often connected to sinful thoughts or actions, we tend to think of the feeling of anger as sin; but this emotional energy is God-given and designed for good.

It is very important to accept our anger. Accepting our anger is simply the opposite of denying it. To accept our anger, a deeper understanding of the composition of anger is necessary.

1.

Anger involves your body and your emotions.

Our bodies can reveal that we are experiencing anger. Facial expressions change, heart rate increases, arms tremble, lips tighten, voice is raised, and teeth grind. Verbal expressions of the feeling come out of our mouth; i.e., “He’s a pain in the neck.”

2.

Anger involves our thoughts.

The surge of energy we feel in our body is processed throughout mental, cognitive, or thought processes. When anger occurs, our response depends on our thoughts about the cause: the situation, other people, or ourselves. Our mental attitude will determine our response to this energy.

How do people’s thoughts about a situation that angers them affect their response to it or to others who are angry?

Our beliefs about ourselves, the nature of the threat we are facing, and the way we have been taught to respond to anger can all affect 6

our response. Since our thoughts are under our control, the knowledge that anger can be controlled and become a servant and not a master of our life offers us hope.

Consider this example: A wife becomes very angry at her husband and starts yelling at him. Suddenly the phone rings. She immediately controls her expression of anger (yelling) and begins speaking calmly and softly to the person on the phone. Her anger at her husband is intense (she feels it in a strong way) and is related to her expectations of him (this viewpoint is in her thoughts). Her response to the person on the phone is based on a different set of thoughts (be polite, don’t appear out of control, etc.).

Perhaps this example can help us understand that the thoughts related to our anger are an important part of anger’s composition.

3.

Anger involves our behaviors (actions).

The third component of anger consists of the words and actions people use (or do not use) to express the surge of anger they feel.

A broad range of expressions may occur.

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abhored

hot

provoked

annoyed

huffy

resentful

begrudged

hurt

repulsed

burned up

ill-tempered

sarcastic

cool to

incensed

savage

cranky

indignant

scornful

critical

inflamed

sick of

cross

infuriated

sore

crushed

irked

spiteful

disdain

irritated

testy

disgusted

jealous

ticked off

despised

laughed at

touchy

enraged

loathed

troubled

exasperated

mad

turned off

fed up with

mean

uptight

frustrated

miffed

vexed

furious

moody

vicious

grouchy

offended

worked up

grumpy

out of sorts

wrathful

As you can see, angry feelings and responses can vary in degree of intensity. Therefore, it becomes clear that anger is generally a progressive response; i.e., “irritated” to “vicious” and “resentful,” offering a person a chance to control it. Examine your anger this week and make an effort to become more conscious of these three components.

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To summarize, we see anger as a God-given, complex emotion that is composed of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Knowing this offers hope that anger can be a positive force for good and can be used as a constructive energy in a person’s life.

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Chapter 3 What Causes Anger?

In looking at what causes anger, we must not forget what we have learned up to this point. In summary, we have seen that anger can be viewed as a universal human emotion that comes as standard equipment “on loan” from God. It is biological and is experienced by all humans. It can be used for good or evil. Anger has a set of parts: physiological, emotional, cognitive (that is, related to our thought processes), and can be expressed in our behaviors (actions). It is experienced at all age levels both by Christians and non-Christians.

Anger always has a source. What makes people angry?

Anger can be stimulated by external and internal factors. Some external factors are: (1) our childhood and what we learned about anger in us and our family, (2) our theology and what we were taught in our church and Sunday School, and (3) our job. Some types of vocations seem to provide more stimuli toward anger. For example, shift work where sleep deprivation occurs seems to provoke irritability. High stress jobs and work situations can create an environment where a person may feel more anger.

Take a look and determine if the cause of your anger is internal or external. Ask yourself, “Is it in me?” or “Is the cause a real or imagined threat, person, situation, or circumstance?”

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Internal Factors That Stimulate Anger Various feelings and attitudes toward ourselves (like low selfesteem and feelings of inferiority and inadequacy) can produce anger. People who are self-centered, either negatively or positively, can be preoccupied with their feelings all of the time and often allow situations or events to bring them more hurt and pain than others who experience the same events.

A perfectionist personality or tendency complicates a person’s struggle with anger. No one is perfect. Perfectionists usually are easily angered because they want to believe they are always right.

Anything or anyone, including themselves, who blocks their goals may become a target of their anger.

Another internal cause of anger could be feelings of guilt. We often express anger at ourselves or others if we are judged or become jealous of someone and feel guilty about it. Rejection, painful memories of our past, and put-downs can produce feelings of resentment and hostility.

Physical pain, recovery from surgery, illness, and biochemical changes (premenstrual syndrome, puberty, pregnancy, etc.) can contribute to anger. Being aware of these causes can help a person better prepare to deal with angry feelings that may be aroused by these health conditions.

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External Factors That Stimulate Anger Examples of external factors that can stimulate anger include: (1) stressful vocations and work environment, (2) everyday living situations like driving in heavy traffic or waiting for a slow cashier, (3) seasonal stress (especially during the heavy demands of the Christmas season), and (4) side effects of certain medicines.

Anything or anyone who blocks our goals may become a source or target of our anger.

Whether or not these types of internal and external stimuli produce anger in us depends on our response. For example, if we are late or tired, heavy traffic is more likely to stimulate angry feelings.

If we have a tendency to be self-centered, we are more easily angered when we do not get our way. An unwillingness to forgive others or to recognize our faults, pride, and selfishness will ultimately lead to possible sinful expressions of anger. This is in direct opposition to God’s Word.

Praying and studying the scriptures can help us become aware of the real source of sinful anger in our lives. It is encouraging to know we can overcome the works of the flesh by yielding to the Holy Spirit and God’s Word.

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Chapter 4 The Inappropriate Use of Anger Part 1 (Stuffing It) Anger is described in many ways and has a multitude of causes.

The spectrum of angry reactions ranges from mild to severe. We can be irritate,d frustrated, upset, and resentful. More extreme responses sometimes result in full-blown rage involving severe hostility and even violence.

Anger is not sin, but inappropriate responses to anger often lead to sinful attitudes and actions. “ ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27). In these verses Paul teaches some important principles regarding anger: • We can be angry without sinning.

• Holding on to anger can lead to sin.

• Holding on to anger can give the devil a foothold in our lives.

Anger is a complex energy, a biological response expressed in our body, emotions, thoughts, and actions. Anger’s energy cannot be destroyed, only directed. We can choose how to express our anger, and that choice will determine whether or not the anger will lead to sin.

One response to anger that can lead to sin, harming others and ourselves, is burying or stuffing the anger inside us. Instead of expressing our anger in a healthy way, we bottle it up inside.

Paul’s admonishment not to let the sun go down on our wrath addresses this type of response. He warns that hanging on to our anger can “give the devil a foothold” (v27).

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Sandbagging our angry feelings means we deposit the anger inside us rather than addressing the cause of our anger directly.

The terms “sit on it,” “can it,” and “keep a lid on it” all describe this type of response.

Holding on to anger can lead to many types of inappropriate behavior including displacement, passive-aggressive behavior, cynicism, and projection to others. It can cause stress, bitterness, and depression.

Displacement. Often when we bury our anger, we deposit it on another person not involved in the original situation. In this case, we avoid the person or issue causing the anger and take it out on someone else. Thus, the stressed businessman says nothing to his boss when treated unfairly but blows up at his wife that night for no apparent reason.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior. Sometimes we say nothing about the cause of our anger but try to get back at people indirectly. We might avoid talking to them or criticize them for something that had nothing to do with the anger. Perhaps we resort to sarcasm.

Cynicism. Anger can also present itself in a generally cynical attitude. We are continually negative, putting others down and criticizing everything. This type of behavior does not enhance our relationships with others.

Projection. At other times we might project our angry feelings onto others, causing us to misinterpret their motives and responses to us. We think they are avoiding us or are angry at us when, in fact, our own buried anger is distorting our perception.

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Stress. Being preoccupied with hurts, losses, and rejection may build up a high stress level in us over a period of time. Ongoing elevated levels of stress drain our energy, diminish our mental alertness, and can even contribute to health problems. Studies have shown a link between suppressed anger and high blood pressure and heart disease. Pent-up anger can also aggravate muscle tension.

Bitterness. Unexpressed anger can eventually lead to bitterness, which is not pleasing to God. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” (Ephesians 4:31).

Depression. Often depression is a result of repeated episodes of long-term hidden anger. When we push angry feelings inside rather than expressing them, we may begin to hate ourselves. In counseling I have often asked a severely depressed counselee who may be contemplating suicide, “Are you aware of your anger at yourself?” They often respond with a question: “Why do you think I am angry with myself?” I reply, “It seems to me that before you would want to kill someone, you would have to become very angry at them even if that someone is you.” Very often suicidal persons are unaware of their anger at themselves. Getting in touch with that anger and revealing it to God and a person whom they can trust will often bring help in relieving the depression.

A Better Way Remember, our response to anger is our choice. God has given us free will to control our feelings, thoughts, and actions. We are responsible for our own behavior.

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“Stuffing it” is obviously not an appropriate—or productive—way to handle our anger. If you tend to hold your anger inside, ask God to help you share your angry feelings with people as they occur—not in a rage or with unkind words but just with just an honest expression of your feelings.

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Chapter 5 The Inappropriate Use of Anger Part 2 (Exploding/Attacking With It) The instinctive and somewhat natural way to release anger is to let it out aggressively. This is what is known as externalizing, venting, or losing our temper. We may describe a person venting anger as “blowing up,” “mad,” “hot under the collar,” or “flipped out.” It is just common sense to understand that open hostility, loss of temper, violent acts, and retaliation are not appropriate and can hurt others and ourselves. When we dump and release our anger on others, negative results can occur. For example:

1.

Venting our anger on others or lashing out at them does not solve problems. In fact, it often intensifies hostility.

The Bible has much to say about our speech. As you read James 3:3-12, consider this: • How easy it is for you to control your tongue?

• Can doing so keep others from exploding in anger?

• Can slow, kind, soft speech, even silence, calm you and others?

The tongue can be a weapon of anger or an agent of blessing.

2.

Others who are the target of open rage and explosive anger are hurt emotionally and, in some cases, physically. (Each year millions of children are battered by out of control parents, and spouses are abused by their mates.)

Anger and rage often control the emotions of street gangs in our cities. A recent television program interviewed street gang members. One of these members blatantly remarked he 17

would immediately murder anyone who just looked at his trousers the wrong way or if he just did not like the way the other person looked. That is all it took for him to kill another human being. This may seem like an extreme example of violent anger, but many of these gang members acted controlled and “cool” as they reported this. Anger, revenge, and hatred produce negative and hurtful results.

3.

4.

Anger that is released in violent ways does not change others.

It may appear that they have changed when threatened by angry aggression; but ultimately respect, love, and warm feelings decrease. Vented anger does not produce good results in others.

Exploding or venting anger inappropriately does not help people express, control, or accept anger. The opposite tends to occur, and their restraints on releasing anger are diminished; they accept this aggressive temper as okay.

When people release or dump their anger on another person, they are clearly preoccupied with themselves. They seem unconcerned if they attack someone else, label them, curse or slander, put down, humiliate, and communicate in ways that violate the rights and dignity of others.

Often these people are not flexible and cooperative in nature and are “on edge” with unimportant matters. There is a philosophy that says, “Let it all hang out” or “Let her rip.” This attitude of managing anger has often been seen as the license to hurt others if they lash out at you. As previously stated, anger released this way

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can escalate anger in others, and aggressive release without thought and control can lead to devastating rage.

We all experience the emotion of anger; but when anger that is internalized or externalized becomes strong enough to dominate our lives, we move from being a person with anger to being an angry person. Beginning to be aware of how we express our anger is very critical to the management of our anger.

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Chapter 6 Managing Your Anger Beginning Steps and Strategies It is understood that people can have a number of misconceptions about their feelings. Are my feelings right or wrong? Do I hold my feelings inside or do I release them? Where do my feelings come from: God or Satan? Can I trust my feelings? Many of these questions are asked about the specific feeling of anger. Feelings are an indispensable part of our lives, but we often have a number of misconceptions about them. As we recognize a variety of feelings in our lives, we may be confused about them, disregard them, or even deny them, especially if those feelings include anger.

Feelings are a God-given gift. They are like guides to help us sense or monitor issues and events in our lives. They provide a part of the total response mechanism God created in us so we can be motivated to better understand, evaluate, judge, and respond to situations and circumstances in our lives. Although feelings should not be the final criteria that determine our behavioral responses or decisions, they still provide a vital part of the total information we need to help us be the person God wants us to be.

It is tragic if we lose our ability to be in touch with our feelings. It is almost as though we are losing one of our senses like sight, touch, or smell. To know and recognize our feelings is like being in touch with a “sixth sense� that provides a valuable tool in helping us experience life to the fullest. This is especially true with regard to the feelings of anger we experience.

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We have previously indicated how we can recognize inappropriate ways of dealing with anger. We are not to deny it, ignore it, hide it, or vent it on others in abusive behavior.

In preparing to manage anger properly, we know God created a productive way. Also, we need to remember that God’s Word provides some very important guidelines or principles that will help us understand this powerful emotion and His purpose and plan for using it appropriately. The Scriptures give us clear guidelines in the area of understanding and managing anger.

Ephesians 4:26-27 gives us several important principles for managing anger.

1.

The Bible teaches that we are to be slow to anger; however, these verses teach us we must not delay showing our anger any longer than is necessary. If we have to express anger, it is important to deal with that expression appropriately and quickly.

2.

Deal with anger the same day it occurs.

3.

Deal with your anger while there is opportunity to do so. Do not let it stockpile in a slush fund of repressed and denied angry feelings.

4.

5.

When you are angry, deal with it; or you may become vulnerable and give Satan a place to use you and your anger in sinful expressions of thought and behavior.

Do not let lingering anger proceed to bitterness and resentment.

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Expressing angry feelings in an assertive, non-aggressive way is the best and healthiest form of managing it. To be assertive with our anger means that we are clear in stating to others what our needs are and express our anger with appropriate thought and action, not demanding or being pushy and hurting others. The Bible teaches us that the cause of our anger and the way we express it determine whether the anger is right or wrong.

Forgiveness is an essential key to avoiding a buildup of resentment and bitterness. The Bible emphasizes the importance of walking in forgiveness. In Matthew 6:15, Jesus teaches us that forgiveness is necessary to be forgiven. Whom, if anyone, do you need to forgive?

What steps can you take to do so?

The parable of the unmerciful servant found in Matthew 18:21-35 is very interesting and will help us understand the importance of forgiveness in preventing anger from being our master. As you read it, prayerfully and carefully consider the following: a. b. c. d.

Who has extended forgiveness to you?

Name someone you have often forgiven.

When you forgive others, how does it affect you?

How do you forgive people who do not know they have offended you? e. How important is the practice of forgiveness in helping you control your anger? f. How can a constant state of forgiveness prevent anger?

Are you holding a grudge against someone? One of the first steps you need to take as you begin to learn to manage your anger is to let go of past offenses. Ask God to help you forgive.

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Chapter 7 Moving Ahead Step-by-Step As you move ahead on the pathway to anger management, you are becoming more aware of the need for knowledge, wisdom, and courage to deal with your anger. Learning new skills for this task is important. In developing a healthy viewpoint of our feelings, it is necessary that we come to terms with anger. This emotion must be the focus or target of our concern if we are to mature in our selfcontrol and daily behavior.

As we have already seen, there seem to be two common responses to anger: (1) denial or stuffing it/burying it, and/or (2) venting it and displaying aggressive, explosive temper tantrums.

The Bible clearly states we should be “slow to become angry” (James 1:19). This simple admonition means we can work with angry feelings, not just bury them or release them in bursts of temper. In this chapter you will discover a simple plan for learning how to be slow to anger; i.e., learning how to take control, manage, and use anger in productive ways.

The following step-by-step process provides clear-cut objectives to help you control the episodes of anger that come into your life.

1.

Get in touch with your feelings. Acknowledge your feelings of anger and accept them. Describe your feelings: “I’m mad,” “I am irritated,” or “I am furious.” Determine the level and intensity of these feelings: little upset, moderately upset, or very upset.

Get honest about your anger. Admit you are losing control.

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That is the first step in controlling your anger. Just acknowledge and accept the fact of feeling angry. Do not deny it!

2.

3.

4.

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Control your thoughts. In doing this, you will be able to control and determine what to say or do. Alert yourself and others to the fact that you are displeased, angry, or upset. Do not take action on your immediate feelings. Be truthful with yourself and others.

You may respond by saying, “What you said to me upset me; however, I need to think through my response to you. Maybe we need to talk about this after I clear my thoughts and feelings.” Be aware of the situation that angered you but defer specific action until you think about how your feelings have been affected and how to respond. Timing your response is important. Prayer will definitely help you clarify the issue and how you are to deal with it.

Locate the cause of your anger. Ask yourself, “What is it that is making me angry?” Discern the root cause of the problem. If you get angry because the car will not start, is it truly that the car will not start, or is it fear of being late and your boss getting angry with you? Or could it be that you are angry that if the car is broken, it will cause additional financial worry and stress? Over time, you can begin to locate the true cause of your anger. Accept responsibility for your anger.

Think through your response by being rational and less emotional.

Spend time sorting out irrational beliefs. Tell yourself the truth about people and situations. No one is ever wrong or right all the time. It is wrong to expect others to always be happy and helpful. People do get sick and tired. Others have reasons for

their behaviors and are not necessarily just selfish or thoughtless. Align yourself with reality and do not let everything bother you to the point that you constantly “lose it” over normal failures we all experience. Note: This does not mean we do not deal with the reality of sin and wrongdoing, but to be “slow to become angry” means we are relating to life through self-control, grace, and understanding.

5.

Direct your anger through applied controls. In determining your course of action, remember to avoid the extremes that could be harmful: attacking, withdrawing and clamming up, “giving in,” or denying anger is present.

If you truly care for someone, you will often have to choose action that requires that you confront that person. David Augsburger in his book, Caring Enough to Confront, calls this “truthing it in love” (p. 32). This action may be needed. You may need to be gentle and private or strong and direct with confrontation—whatever is needed to help bring a resolution to the conflict. In this process of “truthing it in love,” be sure to do the following: (1) inform about the issue, (2) appropriately show your feelings, and (3) speak the truth in love. With God’s help, carefully choose the proper response, words, and action to bring some closure and resolution to the issue. Apply the controls that work well for you. Develop a list of responses and actions that work for you and are the best for other people. It is at this level that anger becomes your servant and can be productive for you.

All these steps will be easier to take if you consistently get enough rest and spend regular quiet time with God. The Scriptures emphasize the importance of rest and worship: 25

Exodus 20:10-11 This passage clearly states that God commands us to rest and worship. This provides opportunity to restore ourselves spiritually and physically. These periodic and regular rests will help us take better control of our lives and ultimately help us control our anger.

Isaiah 30:15 It is important to develop quiet times with God. To meet the demands of today’s stress, we need quietness. Being quiet before God will supply confidence as we are in His presence. He can help us control our anger as we let Him provide strength to deal with people and difficult situations. This practice will help us calm ourselves and let God give us peace rather than lash out in anger. It will help us be slow to anger. His strength helps us overcome self and sin.

Mark 6:30-31 Why did Jesus feel the disciples needed to rest? Daily pressure was overwhelming them and their time schedule. They had no time to even eat. Do you develop quiet, restful periods in your day to relax and restore yourself? How could this help you prevent anger buildup?

Check yourself on your progress and identify where more work needs to be done.

We will now continue on to a very important aspect of this trip into anger and how to use it creatively. How do we manage our anger in the close relationships found in marriage and family?

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Chapter 8 Managing Anger in Family Relationships The relationships that marriage and family afford us can be the source both of pleasure and pain. All of us have parents, most of us choose to marry, and many marriages are blessed with children.

This crucible provides a very diverse and often divisive array of personalities and situations that may cause us to experience anger.

In marriage, for example, we experience a level of intensity in relationship that does not exist in any other relationship.

It is realistic to expect that most couples will experience anger in their marriage and with their children. We need to have adequate and accurate information in dealing with anger in these relationships. Disagreements and conflicts are inevitable. Marriage forces us to come to terms with our spouse’s needs and our own weaknesses. Feelings, especially anger, will be experienced. The following areas seem to be the battlegrounds of anger: unfulfilled expectations, unfulfilled needs, differences in backgrounds, the way we give and receive love, money, sex, communication, parenting, in-laws, taking our spouse for granted, fatigue and time pressures, physical demands, job stress, sleep deprivation, dual careers, ad infinitum.

Power and control seem to be the overarching issues that lock couples into endless war. Couples will stubbornly continue to battle in a tug-of-war, each one determined to win. Anger is a vital energy used to achieve that victory. The biblical concept of marriage is built on the principle of submission to one another in love. But does this involve conflict? Yes! In a healthy marriage each spouse will need to lean on the other from time to time. The marriage 27

commitment requires us to look at ourselves and our selfishness as well as our mate’s self or selfishness. Thus, looking at what “he wants” and “she wants” and what “he needs” and “she needs” and what “he expects” and “she expects” may well erupt in disagreements and arguments. In our culture we favor independence and self-reliance. Little value is placed on cooperation, flexibility, and giving in to achieve a greater goal. Yet we all struggle with problems we cannot solve by ourselves. Growth and maturity develop as we work through problems and conflicts together. Removing ourselves from the issue or our mate may mean less anger, but it always lessens the intimacy and potential for our growth as a couple. It is more important that each mate be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. Marriages often fail because we are not being the right kind of person in our relationship with our spouse.

We need freedom in our marriages for anger and hurt to be expressed properly and in a loving, truthful manner. Feelings must be expressed to one another without fear of rejection or causing intentional pain. Disagreements are normal and even inevitable in marriage. Consider the following to help you and your spouse use anger constructively in your marriage.

• • • •

Learn how to manage conflict by admitting you are angry.

Practice the skills learned in the previous chapters of this book.

Commit yourself to being slow to become angry.

If you are a Christian, ask yourself, “How will the presence of Jesus Christ in my life affect the way I respond to my mate and this situation?”

• Learn how to hold back your anger. Think ahead to avoid anger-causing situations.

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• Make up your mind not to let everything bother you. Self-giving love means you will do what you can to remove irritating situations and unnecessary conflict from your spouse’s life if at all possible.

• Purpose in your heart not to overreact, threaten, hit, curse, shout, or name-call with your mate. There will be times when each of you may need to discover a set of techniques you will use (agreeable to both) that will help diffuse the intensity of your heated moments of dialogue. Some couples use “time-out” to get control of their impulses or feelings; others count to ten; others change the scene or subject to allow calmness to return so the issue can be addressed later.

Whenever a married couple cannot reach a resolution to an angry conflict, it is often due to the fact that one or both of them have sabotaged their dialogue or communication. Good communication skills require practice. Couples often fight in dirty ways that block communication and increase anger.

A tool couples can use to avoid these episodes and better manage them is to agree on a simple communication covenant or prior agreement as to how they will act during their disagreements. I like the example on pages 167-168 from Gary Oliver and Norman Wright’s book, When Anger Hits Home.

Following are two points from an agreement that one couple developed in order to improve their communication and problem-solving skills.

1. We will not exaggerate or attack the other person during the course of a disagreement. a. I will stick with the specific issue. b. I will take several seconds to formulate words so that I can be accurate.

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c. I will consider the consequences of what I say before I say it. d. I will not use the words always, all the time, everyone, nothing, etc.

2. We will attempt to control the emotional level and intensity of arguments. (No yelling, uncontrollable anger, hurtful remarks.) a. We will take time-outs for calming down if either of us feels our own anger is starting to elevate too much. The minimum amount of time for a time-out will be one minute and the maximum ten minutes. The person who needs a greater amount of time in order to calm down will be the one to set the time limit. During the time-out, each person, individually and in writing, will first of all define the problem that is being discussed. This will include identifying the specific cause for the anger, listing the areas of agreement in the problem, listing the areas of disagreement, and listing three alternate solutions to this problem. When we come back together, the person who has been the most upset will express to the other individual, “I’m interested in what you’ve written during our time-out. Will you share yours with me?” b. Before I say anything, I will decide if I would want this same statement said to me with the same words and tone of voice.

It is most helpful for couples to support one another in keeping their communication covenant or agreement. Ask each other what is needed to control angry feelings. For example, “Do you want me to say nothing, leave the room, not interrupt, hold you, hear you out, etc., when you are losing or about to lose control of your anger?” Reflect and ask questions. Ask yourself: “How can I make

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this process work?” Both spouses must be in the process or agreement together and help each other make it work.

As couples grow in their anger management skills, they will know when to keep quiet about trivial matters and when to argue for the sake of things important to the relationship. Learning how to handle marital storms is more than just learning techniques for conflict resolution, communication skills, etc. These will only help a couple’s skills for dealing with anger. The greatest factor in learning to manage anger in a marriage is to see that self-control is a character issue. Our marriages can be destroyed by many forces—one of these does not have to be anger. Solutions to anger in marriage cannot be reduced to a list of how to’s. People need to change on the inside if they are to develop loving, caring, nonabusive relationships.

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Chapter 9

Accepting Responsibility

On your pathway to living free with anger as your friend and servant rather than your enemy and master, you will begin to see growth take place as you work at accepting your anger and developing your skills in anger management. You will see positive changes as you make an effort to address the areas that need attention. In this chapter some very practical and important information that will help you practice preventative maintenance in managing your anger will be revealed.

It is better to prepare than repair. The old saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” is true. This is especially true in learning the skills and attaining the information that will work in preventing anger taking over as master.

Anger management is ultimately a function of our spiritual maturity. As we grow and develop in our relationship with God, living a consistent Christian life, we will be able to control our anger and use it as a gift from God. This takes time and discipline and often requires help from others to whom we are accountable for our growth.

Philippians 2:13 tells us “it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” It is important to realize that God has a plan for our lives. People who have accepted the fact that God loves them and has a plan and purpose for them are less likely to be frustrated by the expectations of others or by personal failures because God gives them a reason for living.

In our study we have discussed the definition of anger, causes of anger, and various responses we can make in feelings, thoughts,

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and actions with anger. We now come to terms with the way we accept responsibility for controlling our anger. It is important to consider ways not only to control anger but also actually take steps to prevent it. We must work on controlling anger when we are in quiet periods and not angry. Following are some suggestions for balancing our lives so we do not misuse anger.

Ten Steps in Anger Preventative Maintenance

1. Keep your life balanced and purposeful. Maintain physical, spiritual, intellectual, and social goals in your life. Stay active.

2. Do not neglect your physical health, diet, rest, or diversion from routine.

Plan times to enjoy God’s beauty outdoors; read good books, meditate, have quiet times, and healthy walks and talks with family and friends help lower anger levels. Develop an appropriate hobby.

3. Spend time with God, His Word, and in prayer. Cultivate a quiet time each day that will help you develop God’s character in your life.

4. Avoid overloads of stress. When a crisis comes, learn how to react

emotionally in ways that will help you better cope. We are more susceptible to anger when depressed, fearful, or even happy and elated.

5. Be realistic in your expectations of self and others. Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves and others. One of the quickest ways to overcome hurt and anger, even prevent it, is to check your expectations. Are they appropriate and realistic? List those things that upset you or irritate you. Look at the list. Are the needs and expectations legitimate? Be honest. Deal with those that are unrealistic in yourself and others; otherwise, you will continue to become angry over them.

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6. Guard your tongue and speech. Practice the art of listening. Listen to your thoughts and words. Are you negative and selfpitying? Are you critical of self and others? Let God help you learn to control your tongue.

7. Do not compare yourself to others. Learn to accept others and their gifts and talents. You do not have to compete with others. Use your creative energy to be productive, not jealous, angry, and bitter at the successes and abilities of others. God created you! Be yourself!

8. Avoid angry people and anger-provoking situations that you are not prepared to handle. Be cautious not to stimulate anger this way.

Remove yourself from anger-provoking people and/or situations until you have matured enough in patience, control, and honesty as well as wisdom to respond to them.

9. Let go of old deposits of anger—forgive and forget. If you are harboring old hurts and residual anger, resentments that are unresolved, deal with them.

10. Work on improving your relationships to reduce anger in them. Plant

seeds of peace, joy, and self-control with those near you. Great dividends will be paid tomorrow for today’s effort.

Think about these practical steps as ways to help manage anger in your life. As we conclude, would you evaluate your relationship with God? He wants to help you as you pursue creative, nonsinful ways to express anger. If you would like to accept Jesus Christ as your Savior, turn to page 39 for more information about taking this step.

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Chapter 10 Where Do We Go From Here?

We hope your reading of this booklet has created a desire to explore the possibilities for a healing experience. One of those possibilities is joining a small group. The Word of God which is the truth of God and the Spirit of God who empowers us to grasp the truth both provide much power and healing in our lives. Our hope and prayer is that you have found life-quickening truths as a result of reading this booklet. Scripture reveals that God’s plan for applying this truth is most frequently to be through what we know as the body of Christ. The people of God appropriate and minister God’s truth to one another.

Although we gladly provide our printed materials, including curricula for small groups, to all who request them, our ministry is one that primarily works through local churches. Our heart is to support the ministry of the local church and train them in the process of establishing and operating a small group ministry in their own congregations. We are therefore not prepared or staffed to offer counseling or other support service to individuals who contact us. Instead, we refer individuals who call for personal ministry to local churches that are involved in Living Free ministries. To locate a church near you, please visit our website at www.livingfree.com and click the link titled “Help for Life’s Problems.” If you do not have Internet access, please feel free to call our office at 800-879-4770, and we will provide you with this information.

Our small group curricula focus on particular life-controlling problems and help people who carry the bruises of life. Some of our

curricula are Bible studies designed particularly for application 35

through small group participation. You will find a complete listing of these curricula on our website.

Although our materials are best used under the protection and spiritual covering of a local church, we recognize there may not be such a church near you. In this event, we would urge you to look for the congregation with a Living Free ministry that is closest to you and call them for assistance and advice, or you might simply discuss with your pastor the ministry of Living Free and seek to start these groups in your own church.

In preparation for your meeting with your pastor, it would be best to take the following steps.

Order some explanatory materials from our website or by calling our office. We can provide you with a brief video or DVD presentation and printed information that should quickly and clearly present the ministry to your pastor. Offer to work with him or a designated staff person or volunteer in whatever capacity he would like.

Point out to the pastor that a Living Free ministry in the local church can provide a quality small group experience that has been tested for nearly 20 years in thousands of churches worldwide. Let the pastor know that many churches find that offering these groups to the community at large is an excellent outreach ministry. Hurting people can be reached without adding any new burden of pastoral counseling or additional cost to the church. In fact, many pastors find that their pas-

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toral counseling hours are significantly reduced. Many hurting people who are already members of a local church are often transformed as they find they can drop their Sunday smiles and find healing for the never-before-admitted life controlling problems in their lives. Tell the pastor that this is a lay-led ministry that is fully accountable to the pastor or his designee.

After obtaining pastoral approval, send for the Living Free video or DVD training kit and the Core Team training manual.

These may be ordered on our website or by calling our office.

Credit cards are accepted, and local churches may establish credit accounts with us.

Ask for a group of people to volunteer for ministry in small groups. You can then call our office and ask for one of our approved trainers to come work with you, or you can simply go ahead and use the DVD training course. We would also be glad to work with you to notify people from other nearby churches to participate in this training. Please call us and ask for help.

Form a Core Team to implement the Living Free ministry and follow the directions provided by the training video or DVD and the printed materials. You will be led step-by-step in a process that has been effective and successful in thousands of churches, and you will soon be reaping a harvest of changed lives.

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We recognize that some local churches may not be ready to begin the full Living Free ministry and will instead choose simply to begin offering one of the small groups. This is sometimes quite effective if there is a leader who is a mature Christian and who has at least some small group facilitating experience. Our curricula are designed to be easily followed by the group facilitator and a co-facilitator. If you are choosing just to have the groups, simply order the curricula you would like to use, including the facilitators guide. However, first speak with your pastor and ask that your group be accountable to his designee.

May God bless you as you follow Him!

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“Is there any good reason why you cannot receive Jesus Christ right now?”

How to receive Christ:

1. Admit your need (that you are a sinner).

2. Be willing to turn from your sins (repent).

3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the grave.

4. Through prayer, invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit (receive Him as Savior and

What to Pray Dear God, I know that I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness.

I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins.

I am willing to turn from my sins.

I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal Savior.

I am willing, by God’s strength, to follow and obey Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.

Date

Signature

The Bible says: “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved” (Romans 10:13).

Share your decision to receive Christ with another person.

Connect to a local church.

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Turning Point Resources Support Group Curriculum: Anger: Our Master or Our Servant Facilitator’s Guide Anger: Our Master or Our Servant Group Member Guide Author: Larry Heath This nine-session small support group study includes the following topics as well as others: • What Is Anger?

• Anger: What Causes It? • When Anger Is a Sin • Managing Your Anger • Managing Anger in Your Marriage and/or Family Relationships

For more information, call Living Free at 800-879-4770 for ordering or visit our website at www.LivingFree.org.

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Reading List Arp, David and Claudia, The Second Half of Marriage, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1996.

Augsburger, David, Caring Enough to Confront, Regal Books, Glendale, 1980.

Carter, Dr. Les, and Dr. Frank Minirth, The Anger Workbook, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1993.

Dobbins, Dr. Richard D., Your Emotional and Spiritual Power, Fleming H. Revell, Old Tappan, New Jersey, 1984.

Lee, Jimmy R., D.Min, Understanding the Times and Knowing What to Do, Turning Point Ministries, Inc., Chattanooga, Tennessee, 1997.

Minirth, Frank B., M.D., and Paul D. Meier, M.D, Happiness Is a Choice, Baker Book House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1978.

Oliver, Gary Jackson, and H. Norman Wright, When Anger Hits Home, Moody Press, Chicago, 1992.

Rodgers, Drs. Tom and Beverly, Soul Healing Love-Ten Practical Easyto-Learn Techniques for Couples in Crisis, Resource Publications, San Jose, California, 1998.

Tarvis, Carol, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, Simon and Schuster, Inc., New York, 1983.

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