Written by Chanel DiAngelo
Chanel DiAngelo X/O/X/O Absolute Total Recall Live Productions Copyright Â© 1999-2015
INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY Just next to the entrance to the main stage. CITRUS (O.S.) Scarlett LaPierre. Carrie Messiah. Nellie Boddum. Chanel DiAngelo. Udders Tutu... You girls... are... safe. You may leave the stage. CHANEL DIANGELO, CARRIE MESSIAH, NELLIE BODDUM, SCARLETT LAPIERRE and UDDERS TUTU, all dressed in their “best” drag, walk into view, walking off of the main stage and navigating around the path set up by the crew. SCARLETT (whispered) Lord Jesus. NELLIE (whispered) Safety, girls. Safety! All five seem exhausted, but laugh lightly. Chanel walks ahead of the group, faster than the rest, holding up the end of her dress, a smile on her face. CHANEL (V.O.) I’m happy to be safe this week. First of all, because it means I don’t have to worry about being in the bottom, and because it means I don’t have to stand on my feet for another hour. INT. LIVING PROOF LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS Chanel scurries in, a smirk on her face, and walks up to a table with five drinks-- cocktails and water-- on them. CUT TO: INT. CONFESSIONAL Chanel sits in the confessional room, out of drag, staring at the camera and rubbing her temples.
CHANEL I don’t know what these viewers seem to think, but standing on stage for hours in stilettos while the judges tell you everything that’s wrong with you is no fun. CUT TO: INT. LIVING PROOF LOUNGE Chanel looks at the drinks, as if speculating which one to grab, before she snatches one of the cocktails and moves to the seats. She leans back on the couch, kicking off her heels. CHANEL Whew. She sips at her cocktail, looking over at the entrance. A moment later, the other queens walk in, gathered more tightly together. UDDERS Henny, I need a cocktail. NELLIE Tell me about it, sis. The girls all grab their drinks. Udders and Scarlett take the two remaining cocktails, leaving Carrie and Nellie with water. The four join Chanel on the couch. CARRIE How are you girls feelin’? Carrie sips at her cocktail, looking around at the other four. The other four stare, also sipping at their drinks. Carrie looks at everyone individually, as if invoking answers. Scarlett and Chanel share a glance with a smirk. A beat.
CARRIE (CONT’D) Someone? CHANEL We’re safe, what do you want? Udders cackles. CARRIE But how do you feel about that? Chanel stares at her blankly. Scarlett chuckles. CHANEL I feel... safe. Carrie rolls her eyes. SCARLETT I’m curious. CARRIE About? SCARLETT About what... our dear Udders is wearing. Udders sips at her cocktail, an eyebrow raised. UDDERS What about it? SCARLETT Is that really your best drag? Carrie looks around, eyes wide in excitement. Udders smoothens her skirt. UDDERS I think... this is my best look. And it perfectly embodies me. SCARLETT I was getting Hello Ginger teas from it. Carrie giggles. Chanel looks equally excited.
UDDERS That is RUDE, hunty. SCARLETT I’m not trying to be rude! UDDERS Okay, girl. Udders keeps sipping her drink. SCARLETT I’m not trying to read it. I’m a good, nice bitch. I swear. I just don’t understand... (gesturing to Udders’ outfit) ... this. UDDERS And I don’t really understand what the rest of you are wearing. I’m not a “pretty” girl like all of you. CARRIE Is that a read? Udders ignores Carrie. UDDERS I’m different. You should all know that. I’m not just some girl over here who wants to be pretty. I have my style, and as odd or different it is, it’s my style. The judges see that. They seem to like that. And as long as they like it, I’m not going to become another pretty girl clone. Chanel shakes her head. CHANEL I think it was, Carrie. UDDERS No. I’m just saying, you’re all a bunch of aesthetic-based, pretty girls, except maybe Nellie, but I’m not that.
CHANEL We’re not just pretty girls. We’re goddamn beautiful. UDDERS I’m not disagreeing with that. I’m just saying... I’m not that. CHANEL Okay. SCARLETT Okay. CARRIE Okay. A beat. Scarlett looks over at Nellie. SCARLETT Nellie, sis. You alright? You’re pretty quiet. Nellie sighs. NELLIE I’m mad. UDDERS Oh? NELLIE I want to be high for once. UDDERS We all do, hunty. NELLIE But all of you have been high or won a challenge, and I’ve been nothing but safe and in the bottom 3. CARRIE Did you think you deserved to be high? NELLIE Hell yes, I did! CUT TO:
INT. CONFESSIONAL Chanel stares at the camera with a dead expression. CUT TO: INT. LIVING PROOF LOUNGE CARRIE Oh. Carrie looks over at Udders, and the two silently chuckle. NELLIE I mean, I know damn well I’m not sleeping with a Pit Crew member just to be safe and low. Chanel chokes on her drink. Carrie’s jaw drops. Udders let’s out one unexpected laugh, then just stares. SCARLETT You WHAT? Nellie takes a long sip of her water. NELLIE I said what I said. SCARLETT But what the Hell did you just say? NELLIE That I’ve been sleeping with one of the Pit Crew members. CHANEL But, bitch, WHO? CARRIE And how does Citrus not know? NELLIE She probably does. SCARLETT Then how are you still here? Nellie shrugs.
CHANEL But who is it? NELLIE Why do you care? Chanel scoffs. CHANEL Because I’m interested. You can’t just throw that fact out there like a grenade and expect us to not ask questions. NELLIE Well, since you care so much, Chanel, it’s Michael. He’s hot, has a big dick, and we’re practically in captivity here. Chanel’s jaw drops. CHANEL You’re sleeping with Michael? NELLIE Yes, I am. Why? CARRIE Yeah, Chanel. Why? Is that something special? Chanel sits down her drink. CHANEL A bit. Because I’m sleeping with Michael. All eyes are on Chanel. Nellie stares, angry. CUT TO: INT. CONFESSIONAL Chanel bites her lip. CHANEL That didn’t mean to come out. CUT TO:
INT. LIVING PROOF LOUNGE NELLIE How the Hell are you sleeping with Michael? CHANEL Well... When two people are attracted to each other... They meet up in someone’s hotel room... NELLIE Stop. Carrie cackles maniacally. CHANEL Well, what did you expect? That was a dumbass question. NELLIE But you mean Michael actually willingly slept with you? CHANEL Yes. NELLIE Oh. I didn’t know he had such low standards. UDDERS Get ha! CHANEL But he’s sleeping with you, too. Carrie continues to laugh. Scarlett looks rather tense, and silently sips at her drink. UDDERS Hold up. Everyone looks over at Udders. UDDERS (CONT’D) Y’all are seriously both sleeping with the same member of the Pit Crew? CARRIE Did you doubt them?
UDDERS No. I just think that’s messy. CHANEL Duh! NELLIE I’m still mad. CHANEL Then stay mad. NELLIE I know you, are, too, girl. I can tell. You mad that you’re not something special to Michael? Chanel rolls her eyes, taking a sip of her drink. CUT TO: INT. CONFESSIONAL Chanel scoffs. CHANEL Two minutes in, and Nellie’s seriously irritating. I’m not totally bent out of shape that she’s sleeping with Michael. I’m not emotionally invested in him. But she’s being a cunt about it, and I’m not here for that. CUT TO: INT. LIVING PROOF LOUNGE Chanel finishes up her drink and sets the glass back down. CHANEL Thankfully, I don’t care that much. I didn’t put all my feelings into someone I’m having sex with. You can keep that to yourself. Nellie groans. NELLIE I just can’t believe he’s sleeping with someone else. That’s just so... ugh.
CHANEL Cool. UDDERS Nellie, do you feel like you’re worth less because of that? NELLIE I sure do! He’s sleeping with someone else and that means I mean less. CHANEL Like I said, I didn’t put my feelings into it. That’s your problem. NELLIE But he’s sleeping with the likes of YOU. What does that say about me? CARRIE & UDDERS Ooooh! Chanel purses her lips. A beat. CHANEL Bitch, my name is CHANEL. SCARLETT Oh, lord. Here we go. Carrie giggles. CHANEL I’m not some piece of trash. I’m a goddamn queen. I’m not some lowclass, untalented hussy who gets her self-esteem from sleeping with people. NELLIE Excuse me? CHANEL You’re excused. Udders bursts out laughing. Nellie and Chanel look away from each other. The girls all sit, tense.
A beat. CARRIE I wonder what’s going on with the other girls.... Another beat. Some crew members roll up a TV SCREEN. CARRIE (CONT’D) A special message? The girls all look rather confused. The TV turns ON, revealing NATHAN, Scarlett’s FIANCÉ. SCARLETT Oh, my God. NATHAN (TV) Hi, Scarlett. SCARLETT That’s... That’s Nathan. My fiancé! UDDERS Aw! CHANEL You have a fiancé?! Scarlett almost immediately begins to cry, wiping her eyes before the tears fall. NATHAN (TV) You know, every day you’ve been gone, I’ve been near tears because I miss you. Scarlett smiles, still crying. NATHAN (TV) (CONT’D) Ever since you came into my life, I’ve been ecstatically happy. You’ve brought life and love to every aspect of my life. Chanel scoots closer to Scarlett, rubbing her arm empathetically. Scarlett holds onto Chanel’s hand tightly, staring at the TV.
NATHAN (TV) (CONT’D) I’ll never be able to thank you enough for how happy you’ve made me. SCARLETT I love, you baby... NATHAN (TV) But the producers had to tell me something that was going on during the show. Scarlett looks slightly confused. SCARLETT What? Everyone looks over at Scarlett, then back at the TV. NATHAN (TV) I heard that you... Nathan seems near tears. NATHAN (TV) (CONT’D) I heard that you slept with someone else. Absolutely everyone gasps. SCARLETT I... I... UDDERS Oh, wow. NATHAN (TV) I have producers from the show calling me and saying that you slept with some man named Michael. NELLIE What the fuck. Scarlett stares in horror. Chanel pulls her hand away from Scarlett’s and stares at her. CHANEL Girl.
NATHAN (TV) As much as I love you, and thought that you loved me, I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t know why they’re calling me about it, I don’t know why anyone couldn’t wait until you came back home and would tell me about it... If you would tell me about it. SCARLETT Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no... NATHAN (TV) Consider it tacky or asshole-ish to do this, but right now, I’m not sure if I can handle saying that I’m still in a relationship with you after hearing about this. CARRIE Oh, my God. SCARLETT Please, please, please, no... NATHAN (TV) I still love you, Scarlett. Or Matt, as I should say... But please. Talk to me when you come home. The TV message ends, and the producers roll the TV away. A beat. Scarlett continues to cry, and begins to hyperventilate. CARRIE That... just happened. Udders finishes her drink, then turns to Scarlett. UDDERS You slept with someone while you’re engaged? NELLIE And you slept with MICHAEL? Chanel turns to Nellie. CHANEL Shut the fuck up for a moment.
NELLIE I’m not gonna shut up when I find out that my man is sleeping with everyone. CHANEL Your man? NELLIE That’s what he is! SCARLETT Can we please get back to me, for a minute?! CHANEL Of course. CUT TO: INT. CONFESSIONAL Chanel shakes her head. CHANEL As much as I love Scarlett, she’s a total idiot for that. CUT TO: INT. LIVING PROOF LOUNGE CHANEL (V.O.) I have no relationships in my life at the moment. I’m not dedicated to some man. Which is why it’s okay for me to sleep with Michael. But Scarlett should’ve known something was gonna happen when she’s set to be married and she’s sleeping with some other man. Scarlett is bawling, and the other girls don’t seem all too sympathetic. SCARLETT I just can’t believe I let this happen. Chanel hands Scarlett a tissue.
SCARLETT (CONT’D) Nathan-- my Nathan-- means the world to me. He’s the sweetest, kindest, sexiest man on the planet, and I’ve felt so lucky to have him be mine. I love him more than anything. CARRIE Then why did you sleep with someone else? NELLIE Oop. SCARLETT It was just sex! Scarlett grunts, still bawling. SCARLETT (CONT’D) Sex is sex! I am a good goddamn person! I’m locked up here, I’m lonely, I’m horny, I’m tired, I’m desperate and Michael was there. It’s not like I’m in love with Michael! I love Nathan! CARRIE Are you sure you’re not cheating with Chanel instead of with Michael? SCARLETT AND CHANEL What?! CARRIE I see you two! You’re always so friendly together! UDDERS Right! I’ve been FIXING to call it out. CHANEL Please. We’re just friends. CARRIE If you say so, girl. NELLIE Well, at least you two aren’t fucking. (MORE)
16. NELLIE (CONT'D) It’s disgusting enough that Scarlett’s sleeping with my man while she’s engaged.
SCARLETT He’s not your fucking man, Nellie. He’s someone you fucked. He’s someone I fucked. He’s someone Chanel fucked. Nathan is my man. That is an example of someone’s man. Stop. CARRIE Praise. NELLIE Hold up, Carrie... CARRIE Hm? NELLIE What is with you stirring the pot? SCARLETT Um... CARRIE I’m not stirring the pot! Udders chuckles. NELLIE Yes, you are! Everything you say is just you trying to stir up shit! CARRIE You have no idea what you’re talking about. SCARLETT Can we please just keep talking about me?! I just got the worst fucking news of my life and you’re all doing whatever the fuck you want! CHANEL I’m out. Chanel grabs her empty glass, puts her shoes back on and walks away.
Scarlett stares after Chanel as she walks away, but then returns to venting. CHANEL (CONT’D) Can I get a cigarette? Someone? The other four continue in the background while Chanel walks on. Chanel sets her empty glass back on the table where she get it, then moves over to one of the mirrors. She looks at herself, grabbing a brush and powder to re-set her makeup. She looks around, waiting for a crew member. CHANEL (CONT’D) Someone? Anyone? Cigarettes? She begins to reapply her lipstick. CHANEL (CONT’D) Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? A crew member comes by, giggling, and hands Chanel her cigarettes and lighter. CREW MEMBER Sorry about that. CHANEL Oh, no, you’re good. I’m just a brat. Chanel laughs. CHANEL (CONT’D) Are the other girls in another lounge or something? The crew member nods then walks away. Chanel then walks towards the door, cigarettes still in hand. UDDER (O.S.) Okay at Chanel leaving in the middle of this! CARRIE (O.S.) Right? Come back and help your friend!
Chanel shakes her head with an eye roll, and walks outside. CUT TO: EXT. BACKLOT - MOMENTS LATER Chanel steps out, and almost immediately lights up her cigarette. CHANEL Jesus. Chanel leans against a nearby railing, staring off into space. CHANEL (V.O.) I love Scarlett, a lot. She’s the person I’ve grown the closest to while I’ve been here, and it hurts me to see her upset. CUT TO: INT. CONFESSIONAL Chanel sighs. CHANEL But as much as I love her, I’ve already had my fair share of drama, and I’m sick of it. Scarlett’s situation is tragic, but between the fact that she chose to sleep with another man and the fact that I don’t need to be brought into any other shit, I had to get out of there. CUT TO: EXT. BACKLOT Chanel stares off, a vaguely smug smirk on her face. Quickly, she snaps her head to stare right at the camera. CHANEL Are you guys enjoying all that in there? She takes a long drag.
CHANEL (CONT’D) The cameras should be inside, focusing on the Real Drag Queens of Los Angeles. Not on this Tumblrbait scene of me smoking. JUMP CUT TO: EXT. BACKLOT Chanel’s almost done with her cigarette, and Udders walks outside. CHANEL Oh, hi. UDDERS Hi, henny. Chanel laughs. CHANEL Is Scarlett still upset? UDDERS Duh. Chanel hands Udders a cigarette. Udders waves it off. UDDERS (CONT’D) I don’t smoke. CHANEL Then why are you out here? UDDERS Just so you’re not alone. CHANEL That’s disgusting. The two laugh. UDDERS And I am TIRED of all that drama in there. Chanel scoffs, taking another drag.
CHANEL You’re one to talk, considering you and Carrie keep stirring that shit. Udders gasps, mockingly offended. UDDERS Me? Stirring shit? How dare you! The two cackle. CHANEL As much as I hate her now, Nellie had the tea when she said that. UDDERS It’s all in jest, darling! In jest! CHANEL Evil. Chanel finishes her cigarette, and puts it out. CHANEL (CONT’D) You ready to go back in there? UDDERS No. Chanel rolls her eyes. CHANEL How’s Miss Scarlett doing? UDDERS A hot mess. CHANEL Just like I left her. UDDERS Girl, you don’t understand. She is lit. She is capital L-I-T LIT. CHANEL Well, duh, her fiancé just left her. Via satellite. UDDERS Bitch, not just her meltdown. She’s had a ton to drink. Chanel gasps, holding onto the door handle.
CHANEL How?! UDDERS I don’t know, girl. All I know is she’s got like nine glasses in there. CHANEL Oh, hold up then. Lemme go get some more. Chanel swings the door open and runs in CHANEL (O.S.) (CONT’D) Where’s my cocktail?! Udders chuckles, and walks in after her, closing the door behind them. CUT TO: INT. LIVING PROOF LOUNGE Chanel and Udders walk in, looking around curiously. Carrie stands right by the door. She grabs each of their arms angrily. CARRIE Bitches, you LEFT me. Back at the couches, Nellie and Scarlett are screaming at each other. Scarlett’s still crying, and clearly in hysterics while Nellie looks angry. SCARLETT (through sobs) I just... don’t deserve this! I’m... a... good... person! I deserve happiness! I deserve... my... man! NELLIE Girl! Shut up! Just shut up! You brought this on yourself! SCARLETT No, I didn’t! I’ve done everything right! I don’t deserve this! Carrie turns back to Chanel and Udders. Scarlett and Nellie keep screaming in the background.
CARRIE Kristen Stewart over here is going absolutely insane. Chanel laughs once for a moment, but looks over at Scarlett and Nellie screaming at each other with genuine concern. CHANEL Are they gonna be okay? CARRIE As long as she doesn’t die of alcohol poisoning. She’s had a little too much Sweet Tea. Another crew member walks in. CREW MEMBER #2 Five minutes to main stage, ladies... Start touching up your makeup, preparing yourselves... Five minutes. He walks away. Across the room, Scarlett jumps up, and turns so all four others are in her sight. SCARLETT You know what? Fuck all of you! UDDERS Mess. SCARLETT None of you care! None of you give a shit about me or my issues here! I just got the most devastating news I could’ve, short of hearing someone I love died, and all you girls wanna do is go kiki and smoke and joke around! Chanel storms up to Scarlett. CHANEL Bitch, listen. SCARLETT NO, bitch. YOU listen! CARRIE Oh, wow.
SCARLETT You’re supposed to be my friend! You’re my best friend here! You’re supposed to be my support, and you’re over here leaving while I’m having a crisis! CHANEL I AM your friend, Scarlett! I love you! But I don’t need this shit right now! SCARLETT Sorry that my personal issues are occurring at an inconvenient time for you, Chanel! I’m sorry that I can’t schedule my mental breakdown in line with your plans! CARRIE This is fantastic. UDDERS I’m kind of living. Scarlett wipes her tears. CHANEL I’m not asking for that! I’m asking for you to calm down! There are cameras absolutely everywhere right now, and as much as the producers want to capture this, I don’t want to have anything out with you on camera. I’d much rather be talking to you in our rooms or something, because we’ve had all our conversations there. SCARLETT Well, I don’t want to hold in my emotions right now! Everything I’ve held as important was connected back to Nathan, and that, right there, that message from him, just threw my entire life plan in my face, and you’re being absolutely NO help! Chanel scoffs. CHANEL You know, I don’t need this shit right now. (MORE)
24. CHANEL (CONT'D) I’m gonna go touch up my makeup before we go back to main stage.
NELLIE Again? Chanel starts to walk off again. Scarlett SCREAMS, stomping her feet. Everyone stares at her, bewildered. SCARLETT Stop leaving! You are a terrible friend! You’re terrible, Chanel! CHANEL Oh, please. SCARLETT I hate you, Chanel! Scarlett screams again. SCARLETT (CONT’D) I hate you! I hate you! I hate Nathan! I hate Michael! I hate Carrie! Udders! Nellie! All of you! CARRIE Jesus Christ. Chanel walks over to the mirrors, passing by Nellie. NELLIE Is this what it’s like with all side-pieces? CHANEL Die. UDDERS Oop. Chanel walks over to the mirrors, nearing tears. She starts touching up her makeup, wiping tears that build up. Scarlett walks up behind Chanel. SCARLETT What is wrong with you?! Chanel turns around to face her.
CHANEL What do you want from me?! SCARLETT Emotion! Why don’t you give a fuck now?! You’re always super emotional, and now, when I need you to be, you’re just so... calm! Chanel lets out a SCREECH to match Scarlett’s tone. CHANEL I am emotional! I am sympathetic! I’m totally here for you, and I am totally just as emotional as you! SCARLETT Then why are you being such a bitch right now?! CHANEL I show you all my vulnerability when we’re in private because I don’t need to give anyone else around me some reason to get at me! I don’t want to let that out now! NELLIE I’m also pretty sure Chanel thinks you deserve it because you slept with someone else! CHANEL Mind your own fucking business already! NELLIE Make me! UDDERS Leave it to Chanel to get into a fight with literally everyone. CHANEL Nellie, you’re always two steps away from going home, so why the fuck are you talking? NELLIE I’m just putting in my two cents! CHANEL Well, you know what? Here’s MY two cents. You’re tired. You’re lazy. (MORE)
26. CHANEL (CONT'D) You’re pathetic. You’re petty. You’re obnoxious and loud and irritating and I am tired of hearing your interjections because they are meaningless bullshit that don’t add anything. Learn to shut up already.
A beat. Scarlett wipes her tears, and Chanel finishes touching up her makeup. NELLIE Maybe this is why you lost all your friends. CARRIE Oh, dear. Chanel rolls her eyes and starts to walk off. CHANEL Fucking petty. Chanel continues to walk away. CHANEL (V.O.) I don’t want to fight with anyone. I really don’t. CUT TO: INT. CONFESSIONAL Chanel looks near tears again. CHANEL I like all of them, at different points. I really do. And it just hurts to argue with Scarlett. CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE Chanel walks backstage, face poised to look relaxed. CHANEL (V.O.) So I had to just walk away. From all of it. That’s why I left her. And then... (MORE)
27. CHANEL (V.O.) (CONT'D) the others weren’t much better. I didn’t need any of that bothering me.
A bit behind her, the other girls start to head towards the main stage as well. CARRIE (whispered) The real question is... who’s going to lip sync from the other girls? UDDERS (whispered) Imagine if it was Chanel versus Scarlett after tonight. I would LIVE. The two giggle, but Scarlett stands right behind them, frowning. It’s clear she heard. CHANEL (V.O.) I just really hope that we all end up well in the end. I don’t need this shit to follow us for the rest of our time together. The girls arrive at the entrance to the main stage, along with the other FIVE (CARMEN SCARLETT, ESSIE JAE SHERBET, KOKO KHALYAN, SMARTIES SKITTLES and WILHELMINA) and a crew member stands before them, awaiting a signal... CUT TO BLACK END UNTUCKED