QG H The Mar r ied p Kama Sutra QH GQ The World â€™s Least Erotic Sex Manual
F a r l e y Ka t z
The Married Kama Sutra The Worldâ€™s Least Erotic Sex Manual
Simon Rich and Farley Katz
LITTLE, BROW N A N D COMPA N Y New York Boston London
Introduction In the second century CE, the Hindu philosopher Vatsyayana compiled the Kama Sutra. The erotic manual depicts sixty-four sexual positions and has trained countless young lovers in the arts of pleasure. Until recently, however, the book was incomplete. In 2013, archaeologists discovered a lost chapter from the Kama Sutra, featuring positions designed for married people. Vatsyayana apparently added this section toward the end of his life, based on his own experiences in a longterm, committed relationship. The positions depicted in The Married Kama Sutra are somewhat less erotic than those found in the original work. However, as scholars, we felt a responsibility to present them to the public. All images have been reproduced in full color, and the text has been translated into English from the original Sanskrit. Enjoy?
When the man is loading the dishwasher and the woman must come over, because he is loading it wrong, it is called â€œthe dishwasher position.â€?
When the woman cleans an area near the man’s feet to imply that he too should be cleaning, it is called “the prodding position.”
When the man passes gas in front of the woman, without so much as an apology, it is called â€œthe shifting of the standards.â€?
When the man travels to a sporting event with other men, and the woman, in his absence, takes a long, hot bath and drinks wine out of a box, it is called â€œa momentâ€™s peace.â€?
When the woman enters the room, and the man quickly closes his laptop, because he has been looking up ex-girlfriends on Facebook, it is called â€œa close call.â€?
When the toddler is at the grandmother’s, and the man and the woman have plans to go out, but decide instead to drug themselves with Ambien, at 7:30 p.m., because all they truly crave is the sweet release of sleep, it is called “the waltz of the sloths.”
When the woman demands that the man buy some new clothes, because he has not bought new clothes in years, and he looks terrible, and he physically resists as she pushes him into the Brooks Brothers, it is called â€œthe stubborn goat.â€?
When the woman needs help moving furniture, and she does not ask the man, but instead hires the local teenager, and the teenager takes off his shirt in front of the woman, and the man watches her watching the boy with a look in her eyes that he has not seen in years, it is called â€œthe wounded hippopotamus.â€?
When the man and the woman are at dinner with another married couple whose problems are even worse than their own, and they squeeze each other’s hands beneath the table, and flash each other grins of superiority, it is called “the perverse lovebirds.”
When the man lightly kisses the woman’s neck, and the woman tenderly strokes the man’s chest, and the child runs into the room screaming, because he heard a scary noise, or some other bullshit, it is called “the interrupted congress.”