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ISSUE12&13

March 25 2014

The lister Kindness challenge IN THIS ISSUE: FORUM SUMMARY ACTS OF KINDNESS AN “ACADEMIC” DANCE ARTICLE CHAMPS OBITUARY


LIGHTHOUSE

Editor’s note: What has the LHSA done for me? This past weekend, Grace Hong and SHC put on an alumni tournament, similar to the one that Scott Veronelly and KHC put on at the beginning of the year. It was a ton of fun, and, as with most events like this, was a great opportunity to see some beautifully familiar faces. (P.S. Congrats to my old floor, 3S, for coming out on top! We did it for the Menchies!) As I was scrolling through Facebook after the tournament, I saw a post from alum Courtney von Wackerbarth saying the “LHSA still making our days brighter even a year after move out.” In light of the sanctions recently put on the LHSA, I’ve been struggling with how to put my feelings towards the LHSA into words. I may have envisioned marching right into that appeal and delivering an outstandingly articulate speech that managed to reverse the charges brought against the LHSA. It will never happen, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still say my piece. Most people’s immediate reaction about the looming suspension is to say something along the lines of Lister changed my life, and Lister has made me who I am today. That’s wonderful. Lister did do that. In many respects, Lister introduced us to some of our friends-for-life. If you take a step back, you will realise that this is the nature of residences. The same types of relationships are forged at the U of C or the University of Waterloo. What I’ve been asking myself is what has the LHSA done for me? Here’s what I’ve come up with:

A chance to create a social network beyond what I could have imagined. To those who know me now, it may seem like I’m lying when I say I found it hard to put myself out there and make friends my first year Lister. In high school, I hung out with the “AP nerds” and the “band geeks” (even though I wasn’t in band). Let me tell you, no matter who you hang out with, your friends are cool. I certainly thought my friends were the straight up best. Coming to university and Lister ripped me out of my comfort zone. And… oh god, there was alcohol. I had never been drunk! I didn’t party! Oh jeez Louise, what was I to do? Well, I was resolved to hide out in my room for the next 8 months. But I didn’t, because right from the get go, the LHSA offered events that allowed me to get out there and get to know my floor without the prospect of alcohol. And when the alcohol came, I had people I trusted around me to make sure I didn’t put myself in the hospital. As the years have progressed, the LHSA’s programming has allowed me to reach beyond the network of my floor to Lister as a whole. A chance to be a leader. Actually, multiple chances to be a leader. In one academic year, the LHSA offers 60 student leader positions as voting members of Joint Council, or as employees, not including the opportunities to be team captains through the LDL, to be a floor senior, or simply to serve as an example as a returning resident. If the LHSA were to disband, the university community would lose 60 opportunities for students to evolve into leaders and affect positive change in their community. Sure, there are


LIGHTHOUSE countless clubs and student groups on campus that have their own leadership positions, but what other group can interact directly with and impact their 1800 members?

your environment, and the circumstances. The LHSA provided the environment, the circumstances, and inspired the confidence in me to seize the opportunities.

A chance to fulfill a dream. Every time I open a magazine like Elle or Vogue—and no, it’s not often as it only happens when I fly—I would imagine that I would be the Editor-in-Chief one day, and write my own opening note: my own personal message to my readers. That dream came true early when I was hired as the Editor-in-Chief of the Lighthouse. While I love this job, and how it allows me to reach out to Lister, it made me realise that, in a small way, I had achieved my dream, and it was time for a new one. Being employed by the LHSA in this capacity has allowed me to find myself.

My predecessor, Patrick Ngyuen, was a master at writing expertly crafted, humorous editor’s notes about whatever he felt like. All year, I’ve been writing ones that I felt were too uptight in comparison—too preachy. But I couldn’t help it. I wanted to share my experiences, to offer some perspective on this wonderful university experience. I can see with undiluted clarity what the LHSA has offered, and continues to offer me, and to the residents. I wanted to share that today.

A chance to live a little more. Sometimes I wonder if the higher ups have forgotten what it was like in university. I’m sure some of them were the exceptional students with the focus we all wish we could have. But they’re human too, and I can’t help but believe that they had the same experiences that we’re having. I doubt they wouldn’t be where they are today without them. I don’t think I would have ever come out of my room to test university social waters if the LHSA hadn’t offered buses to and from places like Union or OCR, or organized ski trips to the mountains in BC. Without hesitation, I would describe myself as sheltered. The supportive, and pressure-free environment the LHSA provided helped me come out from under the rock I had been hiding under. A chance to make a difference. The LHSA shows students the good that can come from working together, to participating in a democratic system, and trusting in that system. It displays the sheer determination to uphold respect and justice students can have when they have something they believe in. Here is a group that only grows stronger as individuals grow into their own. This group works hard to represent the best interests of the residents of Lister, and provide the programming and services they need to truly reap the benefits of their university experience. In summary, the LHSA has given me chances and opportunities. At first glance, they seem very general. But as we all know, or will come to know, opportunities are not random. They are not general. They are particular to you, your actions,

The picture included is one of my grad photo proofs. When I graduate, I will get a piece of paper that says I have earned a Bachelor of Arts from the University of Alberta. That’s great, and I’m proud of myself for that achievement. But I am disappointed that there isn’t an officially recognized document that says: I lived in Lister. I was a member of the LHSA. And I’m damn proud of it.

#longlivetheLHSA Love, Cara Chong, Editor-in-Chief


LISTER

brought to you by:

Each hallstar will receive 1 complimentary meal!

HALL STARS!

Erin Holman of Kelsey Hall

3 Kelsey has been mighty lucky to snag Erin Holman this year. Erin is such a sweetheart, and she has really brought 3K together. From day one, Erin has made everyone feel welcome and at home on the floor. She fearlessly led 3K in King Louis, carrying on the floor’s dedication to the event. Erin is also the unsung hero to those who value their sleep when things get rowdy on Thursdays. Erin, you’re worth your weight in gold. We are so lucky to have you as an OC. 3K loves you!

Ben Hadley of Schäffer hall

Since Ben has come to Lister, he has become an integral part of the community. One of our many fine international students, he came to us from Leeds University (but is actually a Southerner), and he has made himself an honorary Canadian and true Listerite. Always out and about with whatever is going on in Lister, whether an event or just hanging out, he’s our friendly Brit who works that pink at dodgeball, his floppy brown hair (which he has thankfully cut) and is always ready to have a good time, whether it be drinking or a game of Catan. Keep it up, Ben! .

Maggie Or of Mackenzie hall

Danger Mac is completely blessed to have this young lady as part of our floor. She is the first person signed up for absolutely everything and is constantly getting the rest of the floor out to all the events. Her bubbly personality is contagious and her laugher can fill an entire room with joy. She is constantly thinking about others and always seems to lend a hand. Her passion is something that I truly admire, and it adds to her sublime personality. I am so thankful for everything Maggie does for 7 Mac, and Danger Mac definitely would be a gloomier place with out her.

Mini Chan OF Henday Hall

Mini Chan is probably one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. She lives on MDH this year and you never see her in a bad mood. She is always ready to help out. The floor loves her and she has made such a positive impact on everyone, not just on MDH but in the whole tower. She doesn’t mind helping to look out for people when they come back from a night out and making sure they are safe. She volunteered to be birthday senior for the floor and she does a phenomenal job, making some pretty awesome birthday cards (even doing them twice if the first one gets stolen off my door over winter break). She may seem quiet and shy at first, but if you introduce yourself to her, you’ll find she is the kindest, most adorable person ever. Beware however: even though she may not have won assassins first term, she surprised everyone and assassinated over ten people! She is hoping to come back as an RV next year because she has enjoyed Lister so much this year, and has had such a positive impact on the community in Henday. Thanks for being so awesome Mini!!


LISTER FORUM

Forum Summary by Cara Chong

Sam Wright called an emergency forum on March 12 to help explain the sanctions placed on the LHSA. The sanctions were a result of an investigation of Skulk and its cancellation. The Office of Student Judicial Affairs has ruled that the events that occurred were hazing, and therefore the LHSA has breached the Code of Student Behaviour. The sanctions include cancelling all VP and FC elections, as well as making the Presidential one void, cancelling the hiring process for any LHSA employees, and being unable to act as a student group for a period of one year. The sanctions came down because of the events during Skulk that led to its cancellation. To be brief, Skulk was cancelled because there were activities not included in the booklet submmited for approval. Those activities would have been vetoed. In the end, Skulk’s cancellation came down to one individual alone. After hearing of the events, Sam Wright, President of the LHSA, cancelled Skulk and fired the person responsible, who was subsequently evicted by Res Services. Yet, allegations were made towards the LHSA as a whole, and not the individual. Despite everything, the LHSA will continue to keep programming and providing services to the residents of Lister. What can residents do to help? Short answer: Attend the remaining events! The PR committee will be putting on an acoustic show in Dinwoodie Lounge in SUB on April 7 at 6:30, the Monday evening before the end of classes. All proceeds from the show will be donated to charity. On March 29, 36 Lister AllStars will represent Lister in a dodgeball game against the U of A Athletics Board, a team comprised of track, volleyball, rugby, football, and other athletes, some of whom are former LDL AllStars. The winning team will be donating all of their ticket sales to the charity of their choice—the Lister AllStars will be donating to YESS and the UAB will be donat-

ing to ‘Nstep. Tickets are on sale for a five dollar minimum donation, and players will also be collecting pledges. The goal is to raise $20 000 and prove the LHSA should be able to continue providing for the community and for residents’ lives. The following is a summary of the Q&A period: What can specifically residents do? Attend the events! Other than that it’s how residents represent themselves—speak about LHSA with maturity of people that want to be represented well, and want the University to see us well. Be as positive as possible. Will there be assistance from the SU? The SU wants us to get a fair process and we will do whatever it takes, including all the SU sees fit. When we will know when the appeal process goes through? We don’t know, it depends on when the appeal date is set. (This also means that if the appeal is set for after May 1st, there will not be a council at that time, because we are unable to hold elections.) What do you have to say to any students who want to become an FC next year? Don’t lose hope. They are opening the RV process, so apply for that! How will the appeal process work? You go to a board, it’s a hearing without a verdict in mind but to determine a verdict. Fresh look at everything. Will it be public? We don’t know. If it is I encourage every Lister resident to come. What will happen with the LDL next year? Since the forum, the LDL has confirmed that it has been granted permission to carry on as its own student group.


LISTER FORUM What if we lose the appeal process? There will be a one year suspension, with potential for another two years because we’re under conduct probation. We’re not allowed to create a new student group under a different name.

passed information. All the files will still be in storage, but as far as actual people being there… it relies on people wanting to do it.

What would happen to all the equipment that we own? [eg. Ping pong table, pool table, gym] Can another student group run Lister-wide That equipment will last a year without attention, events? so it could be left there. Other things will likely be Theoretically, sure. put in storage, or given to Res Services for their distribution. What changes to Tower Events? Three of the four tower events went beautifully What do we do with the heirlooms and other without a hitch. Two changes that have hap- LHSA things? pened: cutting down on tower event content, and History & Archives Room. We are looking to set making sure everything is appropriate. Skulk was up a meeting with Res Services, and possibly the an anomaly; something we don’t stand for. We SU, and the alumni group, to talk about this. We gave written up series of six or seven guidelines are looking into it this week to see who would be to ensure the type of problems that happened interested in keeping that if we do have to shut won’t happen again, which went through dean of down. We would have to vacate the space, so students, and was approved. we need to look for a home. Something we are hoping to do is turning one of the storage rooms Staff VPs will have a role in tower events. They into a HAC room. can’t participate, but will help and supervise. More detail is expected in the booklet:, details of Gathering letters? what will be said at ceremonies, what is in vid- There will be an opportunity to write why the eos—anything outside of booklets will be shut LHSA is important to you at acoustic night. down immediately. Note from the Editor: The Lighthouse is also encouraging people to write in what the LHSA has If appeal process goes through in summer, done for them, to be published in our last issue. will we be hiring FCs? We’re working on it. Lighthouse shut down? Yes. Have you been in talks with Res Services, about them taking up the events? Communication – if residents have concerns, We had a chat with Sarah [Wolgemuth, Assistant how would they act, access res services? Dean of Students], but no, not really. Through your RAs, but it should be noted that the decision for suspension comes from Office of Is there a chance that the RV role could pick Student Judicial Affairs, not Residence Services. up the FC role as well? If individuals want to hold an event; if someone Who can represent students if not the LHSA? next year wants to run the Love Auction, the The RHA represents all residences except Lister, LHSA has resources that they would be willing to so that is a big possibility. The SU represents all share. We only exist because residents allow us undergraduates. Finding ways for there to be set to exist and elect us, we give them programming representatives is something we are working on. we want. If they want to take charge, we highly Representation is essential, we are working on encourage them to. this in every possible way. If the LHSA is shut down next year, how would In conclusion, get people out to the events; show you go about restarting in 2015? what the LHSA does. Enjoy the last few months. We’re not sure, we haven’t had to face it before. All guidance comes down in year-end reports by Long live the LHSA! outgoings and a lot of what we do requires this


LISTER

AN UPDATE The following is the address from Sam Wright, will remain open until the 31st of March. As it curPresident of the LHSA, at Joint Council this rently stands, FCs will have to be elected from past Sunday. the pool of RVs once they have moved onto their new floors. Hello Everyone, The work to recognize various groups across An update on aftermath of the recent decision: campus that play a representative role as Repwe have received an extension to the apprecia- resentative Associations, such as residence astive inquiry assignment until after the comple- sociations and the new international students tion of the appeals process and subsequent re- association, is currently under way through the establishment of the LHSA, be it in summer, a Students’ Union’s processes. It would be an optyear from now, or three. Additionally, we have le- in procedure for groups that fit the criteria. More gal council established for the appeaI. We have information on that will come in the next couple have had meetings with the Students’ Union, the weeks. Acting Dean of Students, the Appeals and Compliance Officer, Sarah, and Chris, and have set We are about 10 pages into the appeal, and alup regular meetings with Residence Services to most done, so it will be in within the week! ensure the process as outlined in the decision by the office of student judicial affairs is followed. Hope you guys are doing swell! Additionally, Megan and I are setting up a general finance meeting to decide what is to become of our assets in the interim and upon the renewal of the LHSA’s status as a student group. We have arranged an extra Joint Council for next Sunday so that we can vote on the results of that meeting. For the appeal, it must be submitted in writing by no later than April 1. As it will assuredly spread into the summer, we will have no knowledge of its outcome until well after each of our terms is completed. One person, who will be living in Edmonton over the summer, currently Talha, will be given delegated authority from me to be the contact and representative for the LHSA during the appeals process, as I will be living in Calgary. Our hope is to set up an online election immediately after the appeal if it works out in our favor, to elect new LHSA executive from the pools already established, and then we can go from there. As for FC applicants, if they wish to return to Lister, the RV applications have been reopened and


LISTER

The Kindness in Lister

KHC Kindness

In high school, I was the weird and eccentric theatre kid that danced a lot. I had friends, but only a few that I considered to be very close to me. Unexpected acts of kindness were not common occurrences in my life, nor did I ever expect them to be. Although I suppose I never expected a place like Lister to exist. It’s a place where friendship and kindness is evident every day. Whether it’s from the LHSA, floormates, or total strangers, Lister is filled with kindness.

This year in Lister had a bumpy start for me. I was a little run down from working at a high energy job all summer, and myself and my fellow FCs were all feeling the burnout from our long days of training. As nice as it was to be back it was hard to stay chipper and positive when everything made us so tired all the time. Finally, just as the icing on the cake, I ended up dislocating my pinky while rehearsing out air bands dance. What can I say? KHC two-steps hard. After a lovely journey though emergency I came back to Lister tired, battered, and wanting nothing but sleep. I was so ill that the next day that I couldn’t leave my room. I actually thought I was dying. But then my lovely council members came to the rescue. I was checked up on and cared for, which was more than I would have ever asked for. Then what really made me feel so loved was when Lauren and Lucas brought a bouquet of lilies to my room, along with my groceries. They made me feel like my world wasn’t ending and reminded me how lucky I am to be a part of such a caring council. This is just one of the occasions where my council has always had my back. I don’t know what I would do without them. So thanks KHC, much love to you all. <3

By Leila Raye-Crofton

When I first arrived here, I knew no one. The first couple hours alone were so intimidating, as I had nowhere to go. Luckily, I happened to stumble upon the cafeteria and I ordered myself some dinner. I went to go sit by myself and probably looked like a terribly cliché lost first year. The first act of kindness I experienced here was from a lovely couple of girls who currently live on 7 Henday. They invited me over to their table and made me feel very welcome. Suddenly, I didn’t feel scared of this giant four-towered residence. Those girls and I still see each other now and then and we smile at each other in the Henday tunnel, and I will always be so thankful for their kindness on that first day. The next acts of kindness I experienced were from my wonderful ex-FC, Arth Pahwa. Arth is that guy that makes a million jokes but at the end of the day is always there for his friends. When my LDR boyfriend and I broke up in October, he was always there when I needed to talk. One day, he completely surprised me and left my favourite snacks in my room with a note attached that said if I ever needed anything, he was there for me. All those little things he did for me and the rest of Tenday is likely part of the reason my floor holds so much love for the LHSA and all the FCs and executives it employs. I am unable to fathom all the acts of kindness that I’ve experienced since then in Lister. Some of them include surprise cookies that were left in my room, cups of Menchies given to me after I had a hard midterm, or just a simple hug when a friend knew I was upset. Lister has given me so much, and I will forever be grateful.

By Kiana Woo

LHSA LOVE By Sam Anderson

If I had a nickel for the number of times I’ve felt blessed by being a part of the LHSA, or for every act of kindness imparted to me by the LHSA, or for every time my day was made by the LHSA, I would be a rich, rich man – my meal plan would carry over well into the years to come. There wasn’t one specific day where I fell in love with the LHSA, but rather it happened gradually over my time in residence. After I moved in, it was day by day, acts of kindness consistently occurring, and after a while, I realized that I had fallen in love. I looked back on my time in residence and I felt secure. I felt loved. I felt like I was a part of something bigger than myself, and I owe it all to the LHSA and those who have impacted me in my time here. (continued on next page)


LISTER I’ll tell you a story of one of these acts of kindness that I’ll be remembering for years to come. There is an event in Ivanhoe called The Chamber of Challenge. It’s the final big event of the week, and so everyone is pretty exhausted by the time it comes around. Floors send down three groups of people to the Tuckey – a group in the middle of the gym works on challenges, a group on the side works on a giant jigsaw puzzle, and a group on the other side completes a booklet full of quizzes and other random puzzles that they have to complete. Plot twist: the two outer groups can only work when the group in the middle has finished their challenge. If it sounds like an awesome way to wrap up Ivanhoe, that’s because it is! Last year, my roommate and I were in the middle group, doing the challenges. The night went on and it was a ton of fun, until the last challenge of the night came around. There were eleven snapbacks in the centre, with two tea bags on strings taped to the brims. The goal was, only by moving your head, to flip and land both teabags on the brim of the hat. Make sense? Anyway, hats were selected based on how floors had done in the previous challenge, and unfortunately for us, that meant that I ended up with the 10 Mackenzie heirloom hat – a dirty old thing with a very, very curved brim. As the challenge began, I watched as every other floor finished, but I just couldn’t do it. It was awful. I was so embarrassed! I was the last one left in the middle of the gym, feeling like I was letting my floor down, and I still just couldn’t do it. Ten minutes had passed, then fifteen, and I felt like I should just give up. Then I realized that I wasn’t standing alone anymore – the Mac VP and FC’s had come around me, and they started cheering me on. I was just this frustrated, overtired first year, and I was blown away that in front of me was VP Mac, cheering for me! I honestly couldn’t believe it. I had been doing so terribly, but no one had cared. In the end, I honestly don’t even remember if I finished or not. All I remember is the support that I was given by these people, who were, other than my own FC, basically total strangers to me.

love and support regardless of everything. They are there to uplift each and every resident, and I am enormously grateful for the kindness, compassion, and support I have been given in my time here in Lister. That night in the Tuckey was just one example of countless things that stand out in my mind, and I know that my experience is not atypical of a Lister resident. So to the LHSA I say thank you for everything that you’ve given, to me and to everyone else. Long live the LHSA.

A (not so) Random Act of Kindness By Lucas Sherwin

So if you don’t know Sven, you probably should. He’s gorgeous, used to be an FC, a Mac All Star, and he’s Norwegian. And, as I learnt one night last year, he’s pretty selfless and knows when to step into high gear. It’s March 2013; many of you were still in high school, unaware that this community even existed. It’s a Saturday, or maybe a Wednesday, and I’d gone to the Ranch with some friends to celebrate… something of importance, or maybe not. The story goes that one of my friends, who shall, for her sake, remain nameless, got hideously and outrageously hammered. So drunk, in fact, that upon passing out at the tables, we were asked to take her home. So my friend and I, who’d been itching to get home anyway, bundled up as best we could and hit the road. To share costs, we shared a cab with someone that I vaguely recognized as being from Lister, and the nice young girl whom he was apparently taking home to do all sorts of lovely Norwegian things with. My friend only got worse on the ride home, so bad that when we stood to get out of the cab across the street from Champs she could barely stand, and I, in my 130lb tipsy glory, wasn’t much help either. And like that, Sven, (kindly, I’m sure) dropped his lady friend on her ass and helped me carry my poor, drunken friend home.

Pretty much the nicest drunk adventure I’ve ever had. This was the night that I realized what an But that’s kind of what the LHSA is all about, FC is really around for—not to do programming, hey? It doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t or talk at floor meetings that no one shows up matter where you came from or where you are to, but to be those people who will forgo getting now. It doesn’t matter what faculty you’re in, or if action one night to help some first year carry his you’re changing majors again. The LHSA gives drunk friend home.


LISTER

The Lister Kindness Challenge What is the Lister Kindness Challenge? The Lister Kindness Challenge is replacing the famed Purity Test. In light of recent events, we felt the Purity Test would have to dramatically changed, and what would have been the fun in that? So instead, here is the Purity Test + 100 Happy Days + the biggest #raknomination… the Lister Kindness Challenge. Because being kind isn’t a competition, give yourself a point for every item you check off. Or give yourself 50 points. Or buy yourself a Crave cupcake. With everything going on, this is only a reminder to appreciate each other.

• • • •

Encourage people to use inclusive language Give someone a hug Cook a meal for someone Donate blood

Self-looooove

• Stop telling yourself you’re awful/a failure • Buy yourself something you want, not something you need • Buy yourself a massage from Groupon • If you get a good mark on something, pin it on your wall or fridge! • Serenade yourself in front of a mirror. • Make yourself a happy playlist to listen to when you feel down. Do us a favour, will you? Do the challenge, and write to us about your experiences by perform- • Look at yourself before you go off on your day and say to yourself some words of ening these acts of kindness. The people of Lister couragement. are already great people, and what’s bad about • Stressed? Allow yourself that study break. genuine kindness? Nothing. • Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful—makeup, no makeup, whatever you want. • If someone compliments you, just say thank • Say “hi/thank you” to the bus driver you—and mean it. • Donate to a charity! There are tons within Lis- • MASTURBATE- literal self-love! (this is basiter and on campus. cally a free point) • If you walk past someone and think some- • Take a nap (more free points) thing nice about them, say it to them as an • Watch a movie without trying to multitask unexpected compliment. • Hold the door open for a stranger • Help someone carry their groceries • Buy the meal of the person behind you in the drive through/in restaurant • Give your roll up the rim win to someone having a down day • Smile at someone when you make eye contact with them

General


LISTER one of their lectures. • Make a post on the UofA compliments page about someone. • Write an inspirational post it note and put it somewhere on campus • Say yes for an entire day (unless you’re breaking the law) • Give up your seat by an outlet (if you’re not already using it) for someone who’s clearly been looking for one for hours. Bonus points if you’re in Rutherford. • When you leave a class, place a nice note on your chair for the next person to find. • Thank the hard-working people at your favourite food spot on campus. • Thank anyone who works for Aramark • Offer to help a friend who is struggling with a • Tell your FC or RA you appreciate them subject you are good at. • Pay for the Mar meal of the person behind • Give away your Filistix stamp card you.

Lister

• Tell your opposing dodgeball team how great either the team/or an individual played • Talk to the cleaning staff, front desk staff, RAs at checkpoint, Aramark employees, etc. about how their day is going! • Invite another team to your dodgeball practice • Take the stairs if you’re traveling less or equal to four floors • Tell your VP how much you love them • Write an inspirational post it note and put it somewhere in lister • Surprise someone with a sweet treat placed just outside their door. • Say hello to the person next to you in the elevator. • Hold the elevator door for that person running down the hallway. • If someone on your floor is sick, offer to bring meals to their room. • Slide a note under someone’s door telling them how great they are (can be anonymous!) • Buy a bag of candy and give it to the floor by leaving it in the lounge • Show mercy to the shagger who makes a hero shag during drop-in (bets are off during games, no mercy)

Campus

• Walk quickly through HUB, so the person rushing to class behind you can make it on time • Tell your favorite prof or TA that you enjoyed

Friends and Family

• Call your mom/dad and tell them how much you love them • Call your grandparents for no reason • Give your friend a bear hug, especially if they’ve had a bad day • Buy your floor a teamer for no reason at all • Do something you wouldn’t ordinarily do for a friend, do something they want to do • Write a sweet note to your friend and tape it on their door. • Bonus: Write a sweet note to every person on your floor. • Arrange a Skype session with someone from home that you haven’t talked to as much as you wish you would’ve. • Write on people’s Facebook walls a kind message, or a memory • Reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in a long time • Send a letter. Like a real letter. Snail mail. With stamps and all that. Write in your experiences to cchong@ualberta.ca by April 3!


LISTER/ACADEMIC

A Note on Inclusivity By Cara Chong

I was a little ashamed that our last issue mentioned nothing about Pride Week. I’m sure you’ll understand when I say that we were simply swept up in the excitement of All-Stars. While it is too late to remind you of the different events that go on during Pride Week, it is never too late to discuss inclusivity... not just of sexual orientation but of all the differences that people tend to pick apart. I can’t speak to what Lister is like this year, but when I did live in Lister, it was single handedly the most inclusive environment I had ever been a part of. I believe that inclusivity is one if our greatest achievements as a community. No, we aren’t perfect, but it’s something we can keep on working on, and we are already on our way.

I’d like to pose this challenge: when you go home for the summer, continue to actively use inclusive language, and don’t be afraid to tell you’re friends when they are being uninclusive. It’s easy to start saying things like “that’s gay” or “that’s retarded” when you’re friends are saying it. Try to get to a place where when you hear someone say those things, you are shocked and offended. We have desensitised ourselves to these phrases; it’s time to get sensitive about them again. These actions could be one step closer to making the world a safe and accepting place for all people, and all our differences.

How to Get Your Perfect Schedule By Leila Raye-Crofton

For me, the release of the University of Alberta Academic Calendar is like Christmas morning. So many courses! So many teachers! So many options! It’s so important to plan a schedule that is suited to your needs, so here are a couple of tips on how to make an awesome schedule for the 2014-2015 academic year. 1. Use your sleep routine. Start your day at a time that allows you a good eighthour sleep and a reasonable bedtime. If you stay up until 2am watching Netflix every night, an 8am is probably not the best choice. Of course, if you don’t have any other option then you’re just going to have to befriend coffee. 2. Find the right professors. This is the person that you’ll see in lecture at least three hours a week for four months, so do your research! Talk to friends in your program, check out the Universal Student Ratings of Instruction online, or be one of the many users of Rate My Prof in order to pick your perfect professor. 3. Know your focus limits. Last semester, I had six hours of class in a row and I almost always fell asleep in my last lecture. Ask yourself these questions: Do you need a long break between classes to study, or will that make you want to

skip your last class? Can you handle a night class where after a long day you focus on the same subject for three hours? Can you pay attention for seven hours of class twice a week? If the answer is no, don’t do it. 4. Understand your athletic limits. This one is simple: how fast can you run? Don’t make life difficult for yourself and give yourself ten minutes to run from ETLC to Humanities. 5. Take what you have to, but also take what you love. Is there an interesting class with an amazing professor but it means you have a two-hour break or an 8am wake-up? Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do to have a great learning experience. Similarly, if there’s a class that you need to take for your program, put that in your schedule builder first and plan around it. Make sure you get your essentials so that you’re not freaking out about prerequisites later.


ACADEMIC/FOOD

Why Not To Do T/R

By Lucas Sherwin

So I decided to try something new with my schedule this semester. I put all my classes on a Tuesday-Thursday time block. Here’s a quote from me: “Naw, it’s great, I’ll just do all my readings and review my notes on my days off, I’ll be SOO productive.” It’s now halfway through the semester and it’s finally catching up to me that I’m actually dumb as a brick. Here I am, it’s Wednesday, I’ve been to the Mar 7 times, played 4 hours of Borderlands 2, and procrasturbated 3 times since I woke up at noon; my dreams of a productive day dashed to the ground.

So, Lister, learn from my mistakes. Don’t do this to yourself.

What Happened to my OneCard $$ Natasha Bedingfield is the person to channel these next two months, cause you got a ’ pocket, got a pocket full of nothing, so you might as well fill it with sunshine. Your OneCard is either completely maxed out, or you are down to your last pathetic one hundred dollars. You can’t seem to remember how it all disappeared. Was it those 142 Timmie runs during finals last semester? Or maybe those early drunk nights where you stumble home at 11:47 and have 13 minutes to fill those grilled cheese cravings. Either way, there is nothing you can do to get those precious dollars back, so it is time to put the thinking cap on and figure out how you can get to the end of the semester without starving. Luckily you have us at the Lighthouse taking care of you, and we have already brainstormed some solutions. The easiest, however most shameful way, is to call up Mommy and Daddy and admit that you need help. If your parents love you, they should be willing to fill her up a bit. If they say no… then it is time to use what other resources you can to make it to the end. Now this may come as a shock to some of you, as I

By Kate McIntyre

know I forgot about these magical places in my first year… but there are these buildings all over the city that are stocked full of food at surprisingly normal prices (for the most part). They are called grocery [pronounced: grōs(ə)rē] stores. But jokes aside, it is essential that you use these. If you are low on the dolla dolla bills, I suggest you try either the Superstore at Clairview (last stop on the LRT and only a block from the station = minimal walking) or this neat little store off of Whyte Ave called NO FRILLS (Google Maps it). Both of these stores offer great deals on food and require minimal walking. “BUT KAAAATTTEEEEE!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO COOK!” This is not an excuse to avoid grocery stores. Yes, there is work to do when you make your own food, but you’re going to have to figure out how to make a meal eventually. There is almost always a step-by-step recipe offered in the Lighthouse that is delicious, and there are a million websites with lowbudget-low-skill recipes that you can find on the great big internet.


FOOD

Masterchef in the Making

The Lister Classic: KD, Now With a Twist By Kiana Woo

This meal is something a Lister resident cannot go without trying once. Everyone will shamefully admit to those drunken nights of making 3 boxes of KD, and then only eating about half a box worth. Perhaps even more commonly, running out of meal plan money and eating only KD until the thought of it makes you ill. Well, have no fear! Here are some ways to spice up this classic student meal!

Beginner Tips 1. Cut up hot dogs, because you can make them look like Pac-Man. 2. Branch out from buying the classic KD and buy some other flavours, like the three cheese option with shell pasta! 3. REAL cheese, because it will make it taste less plastic-like if you melt real cheese on it. 4. Bake it! Cook the pasta to be about half done, then bake it with breadcrumbs or something on top. Look, it’s already better! 5. Add tomatoes and peas. That’s healthy, right? 6. Add cherry tomatoes, garlic, red chill pepper, and parsley for some spicy goodness. 7. Add something sweet. It sounds freaky to me, but some people have weird taste. Be open-minded. Some Legit Recipes for the Hardcore (Source: http://www.poortastemag.com/dressedup-5-easy-ways-to-spice-up-kraft-macaroni-andcheese/)

1. Jalapeño Popper Mac Preheat oven to 350. Melt 2 tablespoons of butter over medium heat. Add 2 finely chopped jalapeños (washed with seeds removed). Cook for about five minutes. Mix in jalapeño, salt, and black pepper to prepared KD. In a separate bowl, melt 3 tablespoons of butter. Combine the melted butter with 1 ½ cup of panko breadcrumbs. Add the mixture to a buttered 2 quarts baking dish. Top with breadcrumbs. Bake until golden brown.

2. Philly Cheese Steak Mac Chop one pound or less of sandwich steak (thin cut of steak at the butcher, sometimes also referred to as pepper steak in stores). Sautée in 2 tablespoon of olive oil. Add two chopped green peppers. Season with a teaspoon of onion powder, a teaspoon of garlic salt, and some black pepper. Cook until peppers soften and meat is fully cooked. Boil and drain the noodles. When adding the cheese packet, also add 1 cup of shredded monetary jack cheese. Add the steak mixture and serve.

3. Taco Mac Brown 1 pound of ground chuck, draining off any grease. Add one packet of taco seasoning mix. Add seasoned beef and one cup of cheddar or Mexican cheese blend to prepared KD. Pour in a casserole dish and top with any of the following ingredients you like: crumbled tortilla chips, guacamole, tomato, onion, chopped lettuce, sour cream, salsa, or cilantro.

… But let’s be real. Ain’t nobody got time for that.


LIVING

Champs Obituary by Pauline Ovenden-Kamkai On February 28th, Champs closed her door for the last time. It was a day seen with much dread, as the Lister Mating ground would soon disappear from our lives. Many of us can recall our first impression of Champs, a shady looking bar across from Lister. It really wasn’t anything special. An average size, a DJ station, pool tables and seating. Yet everyone kept on talking about it, everyone kept going to this place. What was so special about this place? Then you went. You kept on going. Then you got it. It wasn’t so much the place, it was the people who went there. It was going to bar knowing it was going to be filled with Listerites, it was Darren, It was being able to get totally fucked and know you’d be fine ’cause Lister was just across the street and you had a bunch of people willing to take care of you. It was the place where you hooked up with that guy/girl; it

was where you met your boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s where you bonded with your floor, had drama in the bathroom, barfed in the bathroom, spilt your teamer all over yourself, stood in line for two hours ’cause you knew it was worth it, #stevewellsphotoshoot, it’s where you could pretty much kiss anyone of any gender and no one cared. It’s where JP Cup champions celebrated, and All Stars drank. Everyone has memories of Champs, good and bad. It was a Listerite’s second home; it was our mating ground. Champs deserved to have a better last day than she did, but it doesn’t matter how it went—it matters how we remember it. R.I.P Champs Sports Bar & Grill. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for the memories!

Dr. Penny TRATION

With this year in Lister slowly starting to creep to a close, we all have things we need and want to do before we leave, whether that means moving into a new apartment/house or just a couple months until your next year in Lister. Here’s a checklist of things to do both in Lister and in life. 1. Get it on in the elevator. 2. Attempt sex in a Lister shower. 3. Major PDA in front of your floor. 4. Serenade her. 5. Sex in the ocean. 6. Get a noise complaint from your neighbours (you know why). 7. Have sex in your lounge. 8. Get the train conductor to go on the PA system telling you to keep it in your pants till you guys get home. 9. Hook up with an FC. 10. Hook up with an All Star. 11. Ask your RA/FC/Condom senior for a condom. 12. Sex in the Tuckey. 13. Kiss one of the LDL trophies. 14. Have sex in your LDL jersey. 15. Hook up with someone from each tower. 16. Have a threesome. 17. Kiss in the rain [Canadian version: Blizzard]. 18. Sex with a first year. 19. Sex with your dodgeball crush. 20. Have sex with a liaison to make All Stars.


LIVING

By Lucas Sherwin Let’s face it, this is a pretty solid place to live. The people are sweet, going outside is optional most days, and T is going to do a rockin’ job next year. But you’re also no longer that oblivious freshman meme; you’ve learned the ropes. You didn’t even buy textbooks this semester and cited something without going to https:// owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/01. If you’re having trouble deciding whether you’re going to fly the coupe next year or stick around for another year of #Listerlyfe, here’s a handy dandy table with all the reasons why you should (or shouldn’t) come back to these reinforced concrete Edens.

Naw, stay for another round, you’ll still get out in time for a decent GPA for grad school ● The people ● Dodgeball ● Still never have to cook for yourself ● 96s ● Lounge-net ● The Lister spill & scuff ● So close to Cham...pus ● Dukes, I guess... ● Jenn Meyer’s boobs ● Dodgeball

All these things are a hard pass ● The food ● Champs is gone (haven’t you heard?) ● Shower sandals ● 96s ● $18.73 grilled cheese at the Mar ● More surprise changes to drinking policies from our benevolent overlords ● Classic sofas ● You have to be ‘sort-of-actually- responsible’ if you want to come back to Classic


LIVING

FIGHTING OFF THE FRESHMAN 15 By Aaron Deas If you were unable to avoid the Freshman 15, I may have a solution for you. Your diet this year might have caused you to abandon your backup career as a Hollister model, but it’s not too late! There is no single solution for losing weight because everyone’s body fluctuates in weight for different reasons. That being so, there might be several reasons why the Freshman 15 caught up with you the way it did. It might have been a combination of a lack of sleep, an increase in drinking, a lack of healthy food, and the absence of exercise. However you managed to gain weight this year, there are some practical practices that you can follow to lose that Aramark baby that you accumulated this year, and get your summer beach body back. Just remember, if it was easy, you’d see more people pulling it off!

In other words, they cancel out the calories that they burned as a form of self-reward for getting themselves into the gym.

Science has some bad news for you. Exercise is very unlikely to result in short-term weight loss beyond what is achieved through a dietary change. In fact, if you want to lose a pound of body fat, it would require you to run from Edmonton to Ponoka, but if you want to do it through diet; you just have to skip one meal a day for seven days. I’m not recommending that you take a whole meal out of your day as a part of your weight loss plan either. I am simply trying to prove to you how much your diet plays into the weight loss factor compared to exercising. Most of us have a grasp of the rudiments of weight gain and loss: you put energy (calories) into your body through food, you expend it through movement, and any that doesn’t get burned off is stored in your body as fat. Unfortunately, many people tend to overlook the fact that this math isn’t in our favour. In theory, of course, it’s possible that you can burn more calories than you eat, but you have to do an awful lot more exercise than most people realise. To burn off an extra 500 calories is typically an extra two hours on the bike.

3. Stay Active:

Thinking practically then, exercise is not an effective way of slimming, unless you have the training schedule – and the willpower – of an Olympic athlete. I know, it sounds fairly unorthodox. After all, exercise is still good for us. It’s just that in defiance of decades of New Year resolutions, it’s unlikely to make us slim. You need to start losing your weight through healthy eating first and then you will be fitter as a result because you will be able to do more physical activity. There is plenty of evidence that exercise can add value to a diet, thus helping you lose weight. The problem is that people who exercise often “compensate.”

Among other things, sleep is good for your hormone levels, your metabolism, and your body’s recovery. Sleeping enough will allow your body to rest, recover, and grow stronger. Another important thing to note is the more time you spend sleeping, the less time you will spend eating.

So to recap, here are 6 easy tips that will help most people lose weight if they are followed properly:

1. Don’t Drink:

Alcohol can add mega pounds because you are consuming empty-calories and then eating shitty food throughout the night (usually at the end).

2. Get Your Metabolism Going:

You can do this by eating breakfast (oatmeal is great), drinking water, and exercising.

This doesn’t mean having intense workouts every day. You just need to focus on the little things like taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Experiments have even shown that simply standing up instead of sitting down uses up hundreds more calories a day without increasing appetite hormones in your blood.

4. Eat Healthy:

Create a meal plan for yourself over the summer and stick to it! Include things like a handful of almonds, vegetables, fruit, etc. Don’t reward yourself for working out by eating unhealthy foods.

5. Drink Water:

Sometimes your brain will confuse you into thinking that you’re hungry when you actually need water. Try drinking two glasses of water in the place of an afternoon snack.

6. Sleep:


LIVING

MURALS: LEAVING YOUR MARK By Danielle Hoefele

Why Should I paint?

You’ve seen them in the tunnels, your lounge, and outside your rooms. Murals are one of the most special ways to leave your mark on Lister. First years will be staring at it with wide eyes for years to come. Soon, you will need to apply to make one, and even if you aren’t the artistic type, I recommend you do it.

What should I paint?

If you are painting an individual brick mural, you are required to paint your name and year. Many people paint an inspirational quote, piece of advice, or memory from their year. Remember who you were when you first moved in, and the impression you got from the bricks around your room. If you are going to make your mural funny, great, but think about picking something that will still be funny in ten years. A brick mural should above all say, “Someone awesome had an awesome year here, and you are going to have that too.” Group murals tend to be more complicated. Often floors will try to represent every individual—this can be very challenging, but it’s an amazing memory to leave behind. Lots of floors stick with the theme that they had for their tower competitions. Some are mainly for aesthetic appeal, such as fireplaces.

How do I paint?

If you aren’t the artistic type, still think about painting something! If you look around, you will see many very simple murals that are still meaningful. If you really want help, consider getting everyone from your wing to team up and make a wing mural. Keep in mind that you will probably be painting during finals. Although it’s a great study break, you may not have time for the elaborate masterpiece you envision. Remember, you have to stick to community standards with your design. You cannot reference alcohol or any activity that is not allowed. Using acronyms on your mural is risky territory— make sure you explain anything that isn’t clear. And finally: buy paint and paintbrushes as a floor! It is way too expensive to buy for just yourself!


“ANYTHING GOES” A Digression on the Dancing Rituals of Homo sapiens listeriia Lauren O. B. Ipson, Ph. Don’t in Human Behaviour, Main-K 2013 Marcenzo Giraldo, Bachelor in Eligibility, Hell-Listed 2012

Introduction: My colleague and I first became interested in the subspecies listeriia (of the species Homo sapiens) when we noticed its marked physiological differences; namely, its tolerances of alcohol, sleep deprivation, and flying plastic-padded spheres (‘dodgeballs’), as well as a perennial affinity to Game of Thrones, and the frequent ritualistic victories of the ‘Shafferite’ clans when the aforementioned spheres are used in projectile-based battles (I. C. Viener et al, 1994). One evening, we observed the listeriia at a local watering-hole, ‘Champs,’ and became curious as to what the success-fail rate of the temporary pair bonding that occurred on the ‘dance-floor’ was. ‘Dancing’ is here used as an umbrella term for the various rhythmic, locomotive actions made on the dance-floor, from the coordinated and complicated foot mobilizations (‘two step’) to the perturbing undulations of the rump caused by rapid pelvis rotation (‘twerking’). The following research article represents our attempt to both approximate and determine the success-fail rate of dancing. Results:

Where ‘y’ is representative of perceived ability of the individual seeking to dance (and their success or failure at gaining a temporary dance partner), ‘α’ is the Blood Alcohol Content (taken as a percentage, from g/100mL), ‘Γ’ is the lighting (measured in lumens per square meter), ‘Θ’ is sleep deprivation, and ‘DDE’ is a factor representing ‘attractiveness’ derived from historical precedence, with only two possible values: ‘1’ or ‘100’, the reason behind which I will explain. First, though, an explanation of ‘α.’ α: Blood Alcohol Content (BAC): This paper only takes a range of 0.01%-0.20%. The lower range is 0.01% because the individuals of subspecies listeriia who go to clubs and do not imbibe are very few in number (if not outrightly fictional). The upper range is 0.20% because this is the point where most individuals projectile vomit and feel like faecal matter. Generally speaking, it is difficult to dance with someone who is projectile vomiting on (or near) you. Some individuals do have a higher tolerance, as mentioned, but most people will go into cardiac arrest at about 0.45%. So, in summation, the more you suck* the more you suck2* Γ: Lighting: The importance of lighting is frequently underestimated. An increase in lighting leads to a corresponding increase in the ability of visual perception. For example, observe the following two individuals: ¬¬ The individual on the left appears to be a blobfish at reduced pressure. The individual on the right appears to be Brad Pitt. In fact, they are both the same blobfish, but the image on the right is the blobfish in low lighting. 3* In light deficient areas, the brain’s interpretation of images plummets, conjuring to the viewer’s eyes whatever they would like to see. Note: Please do not dance with blobfish. They will decompress and suffocate at the pressure and humidity levels of a dance floor. Θ: Sleep Deprivation: The effects of sleep deprivation on cognition have been studied in a number of different scenarios. But on the topic of sleep deprivation in the context of dancers, there is little literature. So, self-reporting was used. On approaching four individuals who showed the physiological symptoms of 24-hour sleep deprivation, the following question was asked: “How do you feel sleeplessness has affected you?” The replies were as a follows: REPLY 1: “*****es be cray” REPLY 2: “Can’t you ****ing see that I’m trying to ****, you ****?” REPLY 3: “Go drunk, you’re home.” It was determined that there is a positive correlation between cognition and sleep deprivation amongst listeriia on the dance floor. Either that, or they are annoyed by researchers interrupting their ‘jam.’ DDE: Dictator Dress-Up Effect: Because attractiveness is a multi-dimensional etic phenomenon, it cannot be quantified. Or, more vernacularly, “One person’s young Tom Hank’s is a strong no thanks; one person’s youthful Madonna is a truthful I don’t wanna.” Given this, it is impractical to universally rate individuals on attractiveness. Instead, our study only found one universal effect, in this case a deterrent: the Dictator Dress-Up Effect, which states that individuals are much less likely to dance with individuals who have similar clothing and appearance to dictators. If an individual is to wear grey overalls, ’70s glasses, and scowl whilst at a club, their success rate plummets, and we believe it is because they are dressed as Kim Jong-Il. The same goes for any other much-unloved dictators. In Summation: In a poorly lit club, as the night progresses, and dancers become more and more intoxicated and sleepdeprived, your chances of dancing increase. Unless you look like Hitler. *alcohol


DODGEBALL

ALLSTAR RECAP & A LOOK TO THE FUTURE By Bill Pickering

What a week people! If you had the misfortune of missing even a second of the action in the David Tuckey, you have my sympathy. Carter Corrigan was systematically eliminating shagger after shagger, doctor after doctor, and thrower after thrower with precision accuracy. Henday swept the Round Robin with an aggressive classic game play. We even got to see an All-Star 1v1. Certainly not a week any LDL enthusiast would want to miss. Looking back on the 10th Annual All-Star Tournament, I would like to take the time to discuss where the tournament as well as game strategy, was, is, and will be. In the past few years, All-Stars has become a beacon of the Four Pillars that define our league. Since my start in Lister, people have always strived to embody the fundamental pillars of Sportsmanship and Teamwork. However, as each year passes, I am continuously inspired by the displays and gestures that make our league so special. Although some may argue that the first three pillars may not be as essential as skill in All-Stars, ask any All-Star, and I am certain they will tell you otherwise. Skill is a necessity, no question. However, a single player with a poor attitude or inflated ego can – and will – destroy a team. We’ve seen this happen a number of times over the years, so much so that Schaffer is still extremely wary of their selections after a few bad experiences. Leaving off individuals with potential attitude problems despite resounding skill is now a recurring trend – proof that sportsmanship and teamwork are the paramount qualities of an All-Star. This occurrence is a great benefit of the league, as not only does it forge stronger teams, but it deters any potential cancers within the league. Each year the league continues to pay mind to these realities within All-Star selections, something that has come to, and will continue to, be the foundation for cohesive All-Star teams. Also notable, is the progression of the role of manager within the tournament. All-Star managers used to be more of a mascot for the tower. They were generally someone who almost made the team, or a tower drunk that the crowd could laugh at; more comedic relief than anything. However, I would argue that since the 2010-11 tournament, the role of Manager shifted. Specifically, the manger assumed more of a coaching role than a manager one. Today we see as much, if not more discussion as to who will be the manager over players. Managers are no longer recruited for skill on the court, they are chosen on the merits of dodgeball strategy, knowledge,

and leadership. Managers, today, are the most important person on the All-Star team. I estimate that within 2 years, managers will be selected prior to AllStar meeting, by the Liaisons and Exec, and will be brought in to the All-Star selection meeting to help build the team they will lead. As the position develops, it is the responsibility of the league to adapt with it. Lastly, I would like to talk about strategy. Every year, something new emerges, and generally has its debut within All-Star Week. Believe it or not, it wasn’t so long ago that Shagging revolutionized the league. It was also just three years ago that double doctor saves became commonplace due to the human shields at the line. Just last year, players began using their bodies as posts on the doctor net and kneeling at the badminton lines during double doctor to create a wall (an improperly executed method by most teams, I might add). This year, however, was a beautiful display of fundamental dodgeball. The Schaffer powerhouse is an undeniable reality of the All-Star tournament, something not likely to change due to the experience they draw from. However it was Henday this year that was turning heads. Not because of a flashy strategy, not because of a wealth of LDL greats, but because of fundamental dodgeball. Their game developed over the week, and their application of the fundamentals got stronger and more precise, which ultimately gave them their undefeated birth into the All-Star Final. Henday displayed the truth: that ball-control is what wins games. A team that masters holding the line, throwing in cycles, and ball control can bring down teams with staked rosters and revolutionary strategies. I’m not saying teams should only play Classic, however where Doctor, Double Doctor, and even Assassins (if anyone ever picked it) rely too heavily on one or two players, classic uses every person on the court. As I stated earlier, Dodgeball is a team sport, no game style highlights this better than Classic. Through the proper guidance and coaching of Josh Browne, Henday did amazing things, simply by embracing the fundamentals of dodgeball. Moving forward, the league has nowhere to go but up. After this year’s tournament, I can assure you all the LDL will continue to thrive, develop, and be the pulse of Lister.


#nplus1s “Oh look at him. He’s so hot when he’s confused.” -DaksMarie

“I thought the gym was a store where you got to buy new body parts” --Kyle

AUSTIN: “anyone wanna gangbang some..” “ ME :”Yes”

“I’m looking for my keys in my pocket.” - Laurel Clouston. Clearly she forgot she was driving while her keys were in the ignition.

“If I’m in the lounge, I’m probably playing Neopets.”

“All I am is balls”-Sam Fath

“So I went back in, and her hand was still in her butt” Annie

“ I actually suck. It was my shinning moment when I hit the doctor, and he fucking caught it!”- Jake

“Ducks don’t fly!!!”

“I used to swear but my mom told me to stop…fuck her”

“I think I left my inhaler at dukes” Katie

“He didn’t even suck him!!!” --OJ

About the presidential elections “I’m pretty sure there’s only one person who’s gonna win”-Wiebe

“Your dick will fall off if you drink in the lounge.” --Austin

“Sometimes I just want to do a line of coke in the lounge.” -THE Joanne Pham

I like my sticks, I don’t like my balls -Kayley

“I couldn’t feel it in my butt.” -Hannah Stuti: “I’m beautiful in my selfies!!!” “My entire month was consumed by oral care” -kirby “I’m allowed to do math, it’s a free country” -Maria “If you want to stroke someone, Janae, you can do it.” “guys this dildo is working perfectly!” -Vicki

“You smell better in your sleep” Hansol

I just want to break your skull, your so cute! -British Jess.

“He’s like half Chinese half protein powder” - Linda

She could use a good fucking- matt

caity: “cornbread is just popcorn in bread form.”

“I hope that terrible waitress gets implants in her fat boobs and they pop” - Karen

“Boys be tellin’ me I’m beautiful, I ain’t even got my mascara on yet”

“Sikome Lake is like the Forest Lawn of lakes.” - THE Joanne Pham

I love the feeling of getting a nose bleed! -Brett

OJ - “Black guys always die first in scary movies” AUSTIN - “Yeah you guys have a TERRIBLE record”

“I hope that terrible waitress gets implants in her fat boobs and they pop” - Karen “Edmonton is just a whole bunch of what the fuckery” -Annie “You can forget everything else but you NEVER forget penetration” #GirlCode

“Please be nice in my butt” -Pam ‘I’ve so much sheep I could fuck for days’ -Derek on Catan You take a shot and I blow the rape whistle Ladies line up. I can’t have sex with all of you -Austin

“One time my grandma gave a bed bath and when she rolled the patient over she died” “rolled her right into the afterlife!”

“My utters are uneven” -Sierra

Liam: “blood is not an appropriate lube!!”

I’d let you hit me PRains

“I can’t put the team on my penis!” Corpse

“Guys, I had an accident.” ~Paige from 2 Mac

More like the LA queens

“You are an evil sibling! You punch them in the head, you don’t delete their save file!” “Come on, put your garbage in my burrito tray. And no, that is not a come on.”-Zoe “I’m a pie hooker” - Larissa “My pant suit is damp suit.” -Zoe “She has a spectacular sex drive for a ghost” --Akshat “I’m wearing these jeans that would make every girl in the mar wanna date me, so I don’t think I can go.” -Kirby “I just want a boyfriend who’ll remind me that I’m a cool chick.” -THE Joanne Pham

“If you eat a Hershey’s Kisses while making out with somebody you can disperse it between your mouthes.” Larry’s Guide to Love “Will you come with me? please.. I came with you” -Anal ‘Now I can’t fart whenever I want’ - Davis “stacy is very selfless” “yeah, so selfless she’s dead.” Lister? I hardly know’er “Tell Fucky to Soph off” I will shit all the disturbs! Jesse “I don’t like cocaine. I just like the smell of it.” - Tiff “I’m ready for the Lister Sex Dungeon!!!” *takes off shirt in lounge* -Sean T “Everyone likes a good ‘rawdog’, you know what I mean” “We need more cats to follow on Instagram” -High Wing, 2Mac girls “I know how to make a girl screeeaaammmm” -Reid Semel “I dont masturbate, I’m saving myself for marriage” - Austin “It literally looks like somebody stabbed me in the neck with a knife.” ... “Yeah, if the knife was in their mouth.” frank: “I thought those boxes in the bathroom were puke boxes, but I guess they’re for tampons...” “They call me the white steve nash” -Malcom “You know what word we dont say enough? MOIST” -austin


#nplus1s ‘I gave Clara a back rub once. She was turned off’ Deepak “I don’t always appreciate bashing my against a brick wall, but when I do I prefer to wear a helmet.” --Austin “Rebecca I have a surprise for you... it’s my boobs!” -Eliza

“I’m going to toss your salad” - Savanna ‘I don’t want deepak to touch me in any shape or form’ “ I was picky but then you kinda learn to just ignore and swallow.” “Oh my god, stop having an orgasm!” - Ryan Janzen

“I’m only attracted to nut sacks” - Zoe “I’m gonna swipe left on dudes in real life”- Larissa

“Yo I have all the supplies in my ochem lab locker to cook meth u guys want in” -Jackie #what

I got mono from a girl I play soccer with - Lillian Moon

“I’d rather jack off to a lizard than a rock” - Matt Breckenridge

“Call me tweety bird... Cause I’m gonna fuck you up.” Sam Anderson

“I’m salivating so hard right now.” - Sam Kondor

Shattenkirk more like shatthispants

I can’t feel my hands. It’s like they’re fucking bionic Gregg

“What are you doing in my pocket?” -Ryan Janzen

“I gave up swallowing for lent.” Alina Poelzer

“Your kids would have the ideal eyeshape for darts” -Sydney z

“I’m a social god damn butterfly.” - Connor Baron

I think I broke my foot jumping off the roof of dukes! - Bryan

“You haven’t seen the shit I’ve seen with your peasant porn” - Austin “Can I unawkwardly feel yo beard?”

“I would honestly kill an innocent dog for Mcdonalds right now” - Kira “Willy you pissed everywhere but in the toilet” Tanner

“Dude I don’t need a bag, this donut is going DOOOWN.” -Assphra “Or he has radioactive balls”Adrian Chan

Sublet Listings!!

Nabeel Jaffer May-August 2014 Across the U of A hospital/Near Sobeys – Windsor Park plaza 1 bachelor, full kitchen, TV, cable, Internet $900/room. Nabeel@ualberta.ca 5873347330 Sophie Sauvé Spring and summer semester 3 rooms available 11237 76th ave (1 block from the McKernan LRT station) $550/month + utilities sauve1@ualberta.ca (587) 983-1644

Savanna Leary May - August 1 (possibly 2) rooms available Mckernan/University area (1142380th ave) $600 per room + utilities sleary@ualberta.ca

Katie Moen May - August 3 bedrooms available Belgravia ( University ave) $650 each (including utilities) email: kamoen@ualberta.ca ph:780-276-2222

Alia Mclure May 1st to August 31st 6 rooms available McKernan (1 minute walk to LRT) $420 + utilities 780-982-2842 mclure@ualberta.ca If you are interested in having your sublet information posted in the last issue of the Lighthouse, please e-mail cchong@ualberta.ca!


CAMPUS & EVENTS

important dates and announcements! March 25 Lighthouse Committee Meeting in Lister Commons at 7PM March 25&26 Foods Committee will be tabling for stress relief 4:30-7:30PM March 27 Charity Dodgeball Game ticket sales in Main Lister Annual Budget meeting 6-8PM, room TBD March 28-30 Mackenzie Hall 2v2 Tournament March 29 Lister AllStars vs. UAB Charity Game in the Main Gyn at 6:45PM April 1-5 Kelsey Hall Game of Thrones March 31-April 4 Acousitc Show ticket sales in Main Lister 5:30-7PM April 3 Lightouse Issue 14 Deadline April 5 Year End Awards in the Wild Rose Room at 7PM April 6 Pet Therapy in the Tuckey 1-4PM April 7 Acoustic Show in Dinwoodie Lounge in SUB at 6PM April 8 Lighthouse Issue 14 Release Announcements Lister vs UAB: Tickets are a minimum $5 donation. Tickets will be for sale at the door for a minimum $10 donation. You can also pledge for individual players! Our goal is to raise $20 000!! Internal: ListOlympics was a great success! Thanks to everyone who came out. PR: Acoustic show tickets are a minimum $5 donation


editorial masthead issue 12&13 editor-in-chief Cara Chong @CChong cchong@ualberta.ca section editor Sareeta Lopez sareeta@ualberta.ca

Mandatories Leila Raye-Crofton Sam Anderson Lucas Sherwin Kiana Woo Aaron Deas Pauline Ovenden-Kamkai

Photography Sarah Dunnet Aidan Ware Jason Yuen Pauline Ovenden-Kamkai

Committee Contributors Danielle Hoefele Kate McIntyre Contributing Writers Bill Pickering Paul robinson & Co.

Questions? concerns? just wanna say hi? contact us: FacebooK

Twitter

facebook.com/ listerlighthouse

@LHSAlighthouse

website lighthouse.lhsa.ca

keep tweeting those n+1s #nplus1s

+ a special thanks to the lhsa see you in two Weeks


Lighthouse 2013-2014, Issue 12&13