NEUROQUEERING RESEARCH THROUGH ZINEMAKING: A SPECULATIVE
TEXT
CONVERSATION
Lissette Lorenz, Amy Cheatle, and Martin Abbott
Inthisspeculativelyfabulated discussion,threeneuroqueer researchersreflectonhowmaking zinestogetherhelpstobuild (neuro)diversity-affirming communitiesandfutures.Imaginethe followingstringoftextmessages:
Folks, I know we just wrapped up the last chapter of our zine project, Maybe the Mustard Will Save Us, but..….How’d you feel about working on another zine?
A: LOL…really…? Don’t you ever rest, L??? Haha, didn’t you know hypomania+hyperfocus are my secret weapons? How’d you think I made it this far through grad school?
M: Wait, A, weren’t you the one who literally just texted a few days ago, “No zine paper to work on? I feel so empty inside”?
A: LOL…I did….
Plus, this next zine project is RIGHT up our alley. It’s for Cornell’s Neurodiversity Celebration Week! And you know how we have that vignette about that one group of neurodivergent researchers who make zines together in the lab, and how it didn’t manage to make it into the final version of our paper? Well now it can have a home!
M: You mean submit a zine entry about another zine entry about making zines? How meta, haha. I know! Gotta love those mind loops….Wait, who wrote that vignette? A, was it you?
“As the pandemic unfolded and I found myself with more time for gardening, another newcomer moved into my horticultural world - an invasive worm that quickly ate its way through my backyard garden. To try and counteract the rapid spread of the worm and its hungry progeny, I planted a mustard seed named Caliente 199. This plant had been bred specifically for biofumigation and green manuring, two things the garden greatly needed. The package read, “The naturally occurring biofumigant gas is produced by the plants when the crop is chopped. Incorporating this compound and the green material into soil results in many benefits including improved soil structure, health d fertility, suppression of various soil-borne eases and pests and increased soil microbial ivity.” I planted, watched this mustard grow, opped it as the flowers turned to seed, and orporated the material into the garden. I opped and dropped it, being sure to allow some nts to remain growing until dry and brittle, owing them to go to seed which could be rvested and planted the following year. And I tched the worms ravenously eat their way ough this new compost like they ate their way ough every other soil amendment. So much for pest control.
With the pandemic raging on beyond one growing season, and with still more time on my hands, this small piece of imperfect “research” grew into the zine, Maybe Mustard Can Save Us. It emerged during a moment of loss, transformation, and adjustment that created space for new questions and new knowledge at the edge of science; a zine that attempted to capture for myself and to inquire of others what plants meant for them. This zine then became a creative tool for personal and socioecological investigation.
The zine gave us the opportunity to sit with others and ask them to reflect on their own relationship with plants. It allowed us to break away from the rigors and rituals of academic research, replacing strict deadlines with open contributions, replacing algorithmic formats magnified in digital templates and online submissions with artistic freedoms, replacing large datasets and computational analytics with poetry and expressive subjectivities, with collaborations between friends and family.”
151 green beans strewn out in front of you on the table. You say to yourself, “Look at this green bean. Now look at that green bean. I like the color of this one. ” You linger on another, its interesting shape holding your attention. You spend hours staring intently at so many green beans that some kind of normative green bean forms in your mind. When that standard green bean emerges into being, you start to classify the beans for whatever purpose you have at hand. But then, from this standard mental category, you can also better observe and appreciate the rich variation and breadth of difference in the beans. You observe
th b t i th di D k h t I
“Yes! And to go back to zine-making, I spoke with someone recently who told me that they make zines in their biomedical lab: “We're all really neurodivergent. We all can get super sucked into our math and computational practices in the lab because everybody has computational things to do.” The zine is a way for this working group to turn away from their computers and swivel their chairs and face a table filled with physical materials for them to use to make a zine. For when you need a break from all the screen time, all the number crunching, if you need that tactile body sensation, you can get it, but also you can talk to your lab mates while doing a structured activity together. Problems may come to the surface that you can talk through. And that's how research is done and connections are made.”
Love it! And actually, it’s making me think….Do you think the three of us were drawn to the Mustard zine project because of our own neurodivergence? Like, perhaps we needed a break from all those overly-formalized ways of doing research. We needed ways to step out of the box of academic conformity. Maybe by working with zines, we are neuroqueering research!
A: My ADHD mind-body is eager to agree. What do you mean by “neuroqueering” research, tho?
Black & White, Janaki
“So according to Nick Walker, author of Neuroqueer Heresies: Notes on the Neurodiversity Paradigm, Autistic Empowerment, and Postnormal Possibilities, neuroqueering = the practice of queering (subverting, defying, disrupting, liberating oneself from) neuronormativity and heteronormativity simultaneously.
So a neuroqueer individual = any individual whose identity, selfhood, gender performance, and/or neurocognitive style have in some way been shaped by their engagement in practices of neuroqueering, regardless of what gender, sexual orientation, or style of neurocognitive functioning they may have been born with. And according to the Neuroqueer Health Collective Manifesto (yet another zine!!!!) “there is
always an element of queerness in neurodivergence and an element of neurodivergence in queerness.””
M: For sure. So in sum, neuroqueering research could unite different ways of being and knowing in a world that is increasingly defined by division. In this way, the idea of bringing people together by disrupting the rigid conventions of contemporary research approaches is appealing. This is especially true at a time when it feels as though so many endeavors that claim to work for inclusion are in fact being exclusionary. They become yet another category, idea, or practice that seeks to identify and build division between people is counterproductive. Instead, practicing queerness offers us all a space to be who we are together, regardless of our individual differences.
I think we’re onto something! Here’s to coming together and building diversity-affirming societies!
FFIN FIN IN
Kate Keresztes
I ask the question three times, rewriting myself, desperate to speak his language.
His only answer, “total means total.”
Total. The whole amount.
I tell him some brains are different. Some statements need context. His way of interpreting isn’t absolute. Total as in absolute.
A total certainty. Such a thing does not, of course, exist.
“embrace”LaurenGabuzzi
Total
Total as in totaled as in broken. My friend. I do believe so.
Autistic. The word floats between us. It makes so much sense. And yet, if this is not how people see the world, how can they? What does it mean, eighteen years struggling and not knowing why? How is this not normal when I know nothing else? How do we not look at the night sky and see the same view? Am I behind a wall, a thin sheet of Glad wrap, warping and refracting the light?
Or are you?
Total as in complete.
I flapped my hands in class the other day. Forgave myself for misunderstanding the other night. Left my friend's house feeling proud. Stopped spending as much time pretending.
Total, as in the whole amount.
Orange, Janaki
Dreaming in Echolalia
I know what I want to say but not how to say it. The liquid words melt in my heavy mouth. I want to sing around my frozen tongue. Words that mean nothing but taste right. I want to hiss/tick/screech/chew. I need you to know, love my hunger, impatience.
Have you never once flicked your tongue against the perfect unknown meat of one thousand syll/a/bles beating against pearly aching teeth? Beauty, the birthright of our mother tongue.
kestrel jacobs d “FunkyFlowers”LaurenGabuzzi
TEACLOCK
Dan Carmeli
Oncetherewasaclockandateakettlewholovedeachother.Oneday theyhadababywhomtheynamedTeaClockbecausethebabywasin theshapeofateakettleandalsohadthefaceofaclock.ClockandTea Kettleweresurprisedbecausetheywerenotawareofthisever happeningbefore.Asfarastheyknew,babiesalwaysonlyhadthe characteristicsofjustoneoftheirparents,notboth.Buttheywere notconcernedbecauseTeaClockseemedhealthyandhappyandthey lovedTeaClockverymuch.
AsTeaClockgrewup,itbecameapparentthatTeaClockhadaunique characteristicofwhistlingsteamatexactlynooneveryday.Clock andTeaKettlealsowerenotawareofanybodyelsewhohadthis characteristic.Clocksofcoursedonotwhistlesteam,andteakettles dowhistlesteambuttheyhavenocontroloverwhenthathappens.It justhappenswhenevertheirwatergetshotenough,whichcan happenatanytime.However,whistlingsteamisconsideredby societyasdisruptiveandthereforeteakettlesaretrainedinschool howtolowertheirwatertemperaturewhentheyfeelliketheirwater isgettinghot.Andso,otherthanbabiesandpreschoolers,teakettles neverwhistlesteam. Soonenough,TeaClockwasreadyforkindergarten,andTeaClock wassoexcited.TeaClockgottomeetsomanyotherkidsforthefirst time.TeaClocknoticedthatalltheotherkidswereeitherclocksortea kettles,butTeaClockwasusedtothatbynow.Theotherkidshad nevermetateaclockbeforeandtheywereallverycuriousand interestedtomeetTeaClock.
Onthefirstday,themorningwentverywell.And,likeclockwork,at noonTeaClockgaveasteamwhistle.Alltheotherkidswereso surprisedthattheyjumpedoutoftheirseatsandscreamedinfright.
TeaClockwassoconfused.Thishadneverhappenedbefore.Tea Clock’sparentsnevergotsurprisedorscaredatthenoonsteam whistle.
Theteacher,Mr.Ruler(whowasinfactaruler),cameovertoTea Clockandsaid“Iseethatyoujustwhistledsteam.Canyoubequiet, evenifyoufeellikeyouneedtowhistlesteam?”TeaClockwaseven moreconfused.NobodyhadevertoldTeaClockthisbefore.TeaClock alsofeltsomethingelseforthefirsttimebutdidn’tknowwhatitwas called.Itwasshame.
Thenextday,TeaClockwenttoschoolandwasreallynervousall morning,thinkingaboutwhathappenedthedaybeforeandwhatMr. Rulerhadsaid.TeaClockwastoonervoustoplayorinteractwith anyoftheotherkidsortoparticipateinanyoftheclassactivities. Then,whenTeaClock’sclockstrucknoon,despitealltheirbestefforts tocontrolit,TeaClocksteamwhistled.Andagain,alltheotherkids jumpedoutoftheirseatsandscreamedinfright.And,again,Mr.Ruler cameovertoTeaClock,thistimelookingangrier,andsaid,“Iseethat youjustwhistledsteam.Canyoubequiet,evenifyoufeellikeyouneed towhistlesteam?”TeaClockfeltlessconfused,butmoreshame.
Thenextday,Mr.RulertoldTeaClockthattheschoolwaswillingto offerTeaClockanaccommodation:theschoolhadbuiltasoundproof enclosurejustbigenoughforTeaClockthatTeaClockcoulduseeach dayatnoon.Sothatday,rightbeforenoon,TeaClockwentintothe enclosureandreleasedsteam.WhenTeaClockemerged,Mr.Ruler lookedcontentwithTeaClock,andwithhimself.TeaClockdidn’tfeel content.TeaClockputtheirheaddownfortherestoftheday.
Thenextday,TeaClockwentintotheenclosure,andwhenTeaClock emergedandwentbacktotheirseat,TeaClockstartedcrying.Tea Clockcouldn’tstop.Mr.Rulercameover.Hewasnolongercontent.
Hewasangryagain.Mr.Rulersaid“Iseethatyouarecryingright now.Canyoubequiet,evenifyoufeellikeyouneedtocry?”ButTea Clockcouldnotstop,andsoTeaClockhadtospendtherestoftheday intheenclosure.Crying.
Thatafternoon,Mr.RulersentamessagetoClockandTeaKettle aboutwhathadbeenhappeninginclassandClockandTeaKettle becameveryworried.TheybroughtTeaClocktoallsortsofexpertsaclocktimingdysfunctionspecialist,ateakettlewhistlingdisorder specialist.TeaClockgotallsortsoftests-watertemperature analysis,gearalignmentmeasurements(thatonetickled).TeaClock triedallsortsoftherapies-whistleholepluggingtherapy,water drainingtherapy.TeaClocktriedallsortsofmedicinesand supplements-icecubes(whichmadeTeaClockfeelemotionallycold), anexperimentalsalinizationtreatment(butthatmadeTeaClock, whootherwisewascaringandloving,actrathersalty).Nothing helpedandnobodycouldfigureoutwhatwasgoingonorwhattodo. SotheysentTeaClocktoaplacewherekidsgowhennobodyknows whattodowiththem.Itwasasadplace.Allthekidsthereweresad. Theteachershadstrictrules,andtheywereneverhappyorsad, lovingorangry-theydidn’tseemtofeelanything,theyjusthadrules.
Asitturnedout,overtimeTeaClockstoppedsteamwhistlingat noon,oratanytime.Andsotheteacherscongratulatedthemselves. AndTeaClockalsofeltasmallsenseofrelief.ButTeaClockalsofelta lotofotherthings-depressed,hopeless,empty,lifeless.TeaClock cametounderstandthatthosefeelingsweresimplypartofwhatit meanttobeaccepted.
Foryears,TeaClockneversteamwhistled.SometimesTeaClock’s clockwouldinexplicablystopworking,andsometimesTeaClock’s waterwouldshootaroundinsidelikecrazy(whichTeaClockdidn’t bothertellinganyoneabout,becausewhatwasthepoint).Clockand TeaKettlecouldseethatTeaClockwasdepressedallthetimeand theycouldn’tunderstandwhy.TheirTeaClockwassuchahappyand livelylittlekidandnowTeaClockwaslikeanemptyshell.
Oneday,whenTeaClockhadbecomeagrownup,TeaClockwas walkingaimlesslydownthestreetandthensuddenlybumpedinto something-orrathersomeone.TeaClocklookedup.Itwasanother teaclock.Exceptdifferent.Theyhadtheshapeofateakettlewiththe faceofaclock(digital,notanaloglikeTeaClock),buttherewasmore. Thisteaclocklooked…happy?Theteaclockintroducedthemselfas TeaWatch.TeaClockfeltsomething-somethingsmall-thatTea Clockdidn’thavethewordstodescribe.TeaClockcouldalsofeelthat theirwatertemperaturerosealittlebit. TeaClockandTeaWatchbecamequickfriends.TeaWatchshared withTeaClockaboutTeaWatch’sexperiencegrowingup.TeaWatch grewupinafarawayplacewhereeveryonewasacombinationof theirparents.TeaWatch’sfamilyhadallsortsofpartsrunning throughtheirfamilytree-teakettlesandwristwatchesofcourse,but alsolamps,toothbrushes,evenwashingmachines.Inschool,Tea Watchandalltheotherkidswereencouragedtodowhatevermade themfeellikethemselvesand,iftherewaseveratimewhenonekid beingthemselfinterferedwithanotherkid’sabilitytobethemself, theylearnedhowtotalktooneanother,learnabouteachother,and findwaystosharethespaceinawaythatallowedbothofthemto feellikethemselves,andfeelsafe,together.
TeaClocklovedTeaWatch.AndTeaWatchlovedTeaClock.And withthesupportofthislovingrelationship,TeaClockbegantoheal. TeaClockcried.Alot.SometimesTeaClockscreamedandshook. SometimesTeaClockhadtostayinbedforalongtime.Butthenone day,atnoon,TeaClockwassurprisedtofeelasmallpuffofsteam comeout.Itwasatinyandquickpuff,butitwasenoughtoleaveTea Clockstunned.TeaClockhadnotletoutanysteaminmanymany years.TeaClockcried.Andlaughed.Atthesametime. Withmoretime,TeaClockbeganwhistlingatnoonmoreoftenand withmoresteam.AndthenTeaClockevenreachedapointwhereTea Clockhadfullsteamwhistleseverydayatnoon.TeaClockfeltso good,soalive,sofree.
TeaClockandTeaWatchstartedtheirownfamilyandhadtheirown combinationkids,evenoneintheshapeofarubik’scube-which nobodycouldtracebackineitherfamilyline.TeaClockbecamea schoolteacherandwasthemostbelovedteacherintheschool.Tea Clock’sclassroomwasfullofexplorationandcuriosityandfun.And, yes,thereweretimeswhenonekidbeingthemselfinterferedwith anotherkidbeingthemself,buttheyalwaystalkeditout,learned abouteachother,andfoundawaytosharethespaceinawaythat allowedbothofthemtofeellikethemselves,andfeelsafe,together.
ButofcoursetheverybestpartofTeaClock’sclassiswhathappened everyday,exactlyatnoon. TheEnd.
Neurogender Rhapsody, Al Tejera
Lissette Lorenz 4 Things
I. A poem
Bzzzzz bzzzzz bzzzzdt goes the alarm clock in my veins.
I wake up with a jolt rather than with a start bzzzzzz bzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzdt z z z.
The devil's got your number, says my Catholic mother... time to pray the curse away z z z zzzzzzzzdt.
First day it comes at 5:55 a.m. Next day, it's 4:44. Today, it's 3:33. An angel number (!!!) said the ancients... a time of spiritual awakening bzzzzzzzzzzzzzdt z z z
It'z MANIAaaaaaa that'z got my number now, I say z z z
With M.A.D.ness as divinest sense, it's time start my day my way bzzzzz bzzzzz bzzzzdt.
II. An intervention
May is National Mental Health Month. Americans commemorate it with a green ribbon. In 2022, to celebrate, I designed an art-science project exploring the therapeutic effects of gardening entitled Green Ribbon/Green Thumb. It involved me engaging with various online support groups for people with mental health conditions. One such group is called “Bipolar Babble” on Quora. Some recently popular questions include:
Can mania be prevented?
Do bipolar people always do risky things when in mania?
How can you recognize if someone is experience a manic episode and is refusing treatment?
On May 31, 2022, I posed the following question to the Bipolar Babel community:
Does anyone relate to their bipolarity in nonpathological ways? Wondering if/how people seek alternative understandings of their mood states, pushing back against the disease model of bipolarity which claims that we bipolar folks have broken, diseased, or malfunctioning brains.
My question has since gotten 1,4000 views, and 18 reactions, and 6 responses.
III. Excerpts of some of answers I received:
Rayne writes that whatever model of bipolarity we choose, it should first and foremost respect how the person feels about their condition, whether they experience it as an illness or normal functioning. They state, “a rigid framework never works or has hope of fully capturing what the person is really going through.”
What model would accept my poem above, or Rayne’s experience below, as falling within an acceptable range of “normal” human functioning?
For me bipolar disorder means very intense moods and heightened emotions during these mood-episodes. During an extreme high I am likely to have hallucinations, spiritually related experiences and experiences adjacent to religious contents, extreme levels of energy, and so on.
Or how about Marcos’ experience?:
There’s another answer that mentions having spiritual visions - well yes, that’s me too, and what’s important is that I don't look at [extreme moods] as something I'm not supposed to have but as something I am having.
Marcos also writes that “the degree of social conformity most of us accept is enormous.... As others have noted, what is ‘wrong’ or ‘hard’ about being bipolar are the attitudes towards ourselves….So I suppose it's about self-judgement….”
Yet I can’t help but wonder: Whose standards are we judging ourselves by? What have we internalized? In the book We’re All Neurodiverse: How to Build a Neurodiversity-Affirming Future and Challenge Neuronormativity, neurodiversity advocate Sonny Jane Wise (@livedexperienceeducator) weaves together the histories of various social justice movements to demonstrate how the prevailing social hierarchies have twisted our understanding of “normal” human behavior. On page 56, Wise quotes Dr Ayesha Kahn (@wokescientist), who posted on Instagram on June 28, 2022 that, “Mental health systems were built to pathologize people's logical responses, suffering or divergence under systems of oppression. They are a form of victim blaming— we're individuals who diverge from or rebel against capitalist/colonial norms are ostracized and diagnosed as mentally ill.”
What if we used a different standard to measure ourselves by, one based in justice rather than oppression? Back at the Quora discussion, Marcos seems to be on the right track:
I feel that being able to have as much of a balanced life with things I want in it—being outside, getting rest, having relationships—is the standard for me being ‘well’ or ‘healthy.’
Health and well-being are always relational and negotiable.
IV. A parting thought from Naoise, who responded to my question thus:
Giventhat…whywouldwebeanylessextremethanthe universeinwhichwereside?
As [Cornell astronomer and science communicator] Carl Sagan was famously quoted: “Thecosmosiswithinus.Wearemadeofstar-stuff.Wearea wayfortheuniversetoknowitself.”
Contributors
Martin Abbott (he/him) is a PhD candidate in Cornell’s Department of Science and Technology Studies. Martin investigates the science and sociality of human-environmental relations in urban spaces. The goal of his research is to understand the material and ethical consequences of climate change in relation to water, equity, and technology. Dan Carmeli (he/him) (Class of '06) is a neurodiversity coach, trainer, consultant, and community organizer based in Boulder, Colorado. When not writing short stories, he is busy working on opening a neurodiversity community center (planned opening in May 2024). You can learn more about him at www.dancarmeli.com.
Amy Cheatle (she/her) is a PhD candidate in Cornell’s Department of Science and Technology Studies. Amy’s work focuses on the evolution of craft-based practices, and how computational systems play into that evolution. Her qualitative research observes digital fabrication in fine art furniture, roboticallyoriented surgery, and artificial intelligence in violin making.
Lauren Gabuzzi (she/her) is a staff member in the Office of Global Learning. She loves dabbling in different art forms! Digital art, crochet, sewing, painting, it’s always a fabulous feeling to see nothing turn into something.
Janaki Parthasarathy (she/her/hers) works in the Office of the Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education. Inspired by Indian sacred geometry art like kolam, she started drawing daily during the pandemic. This helped mark the days in quarantine, and provided something positive each day to share with friends and family. She finds the act of creating geometric drawings calming and restorative.
Kestrel Jacobs (they/them) is the pen name for a student and activist whose writing explores the embodiment of queerness and disability. See their other work in Spectral Bodies, a microchap book from rinky dink press, or online sources such as Rural Fiction Magazine and Cornell Healthcare Review.
Kate Keresztes (they/them) is a neurodiversity and disability justice advocate, on and off campus. They identify as a queer AuDHD crip.
Lissette Lorenz (they/she/ki) is a PhD candidate in Science and Technology Studies with an AuDHD and bipolar neurotype. Lissette employs combined art-science practices to address environ/mental (body-minds, communities, planet) health challenges. Ki’s special interest is all things school-related (from writing utensils to trapper keepers to textbooks to homework assignments), which explains why ki has been in school for the last 30 years and plans on staying in the educational space for the next 30.
Alejandro “Al” Tejera (he/him) is a geology graduate student who has a love for art, sewing, and picking the perfect rock. He can be found lurking around the AlleyCat Cafe or Snee Hall.
NeurodiversityCelebrationWeek2024 March18-22
cow, Lauren Gabuzzi