Volume 44, Issue 6
Reflections on My Time as an Alpaca Farmer As the weather turns cold and the leaves turn into nature’s spastic fireworks, I find myself reflecting on warmer times. To warm up I put on a nice alpaca sweater, a pair of alpaca socks, alpaca pants and, if it’s really cold, my alpaca underwear. After I’m done with this I usually find myself comfortably reflecting on my time as an alpaca farmer. Now, the alpaca is a close relative of the llama, but at the same time, they behave nothing like llamas at all. Llamas are kind and gentle social creatures, while alpacas are commonly bought and raised by organized crime to use in intimidation tactics. Just one spit can hold up to a litre of stomach juices and will reduce the most stalwart of debtors to crying blobs begging for some alkali. House-training an alpaca is difficult, but not unheard of.
Yup, when the weather gets cold like this I can’t help but remember my times as a farmer. I lived in the highlands of the Andes in Ecuador. My particular brand of farming was different from most locals’. I house-trained all of my alpacas and lived with them in my small hut. It was crowded, but warm. Alpaca farming is notoriously hard on family life. It’s not terribly profitable. How do you explain to your kid that all you could get him for his birthday was another lump of alpaca wool to go with his mound? Especially when the sheep farmer neighbour gets his kid a new Xbox and bike every year? You’ve got to raise alpacas ’cause it’s what you love to do. ’Cause those mom and pop shops got to get their alpaca fur from somewhere, and it ain’t going to grow itself. To buy your first alpaca from the depot is to step up to the plate, and say you will make the difference.
Alpaca farmers are superstitious types. I once came across a small stone shrine with an engraving in it. The engraving was written in Spanish and read; “A Sorcerer Has Turned You Into an Alpaca. What Do you Do?” And this didn’t surprise me. I’d been asked the question before, many times. It was often asked when locals, suspicious of me, wanted to test my resolve. No farmer worth his weight in alpaca spit would hesitate in answering. The question is part of the central dogma of alpaca farming. If you get turned into an alpaca, you don’t hesitate. You bite the motherfucker that turned you into one. It’s the only way to get turned back, and even if you don’t, you’d still look kind of like a wuss.
The Eds are Gone! P. 9 is ours!
Yes, it’s true! Tyler and Andrew have been overthrown! Their rule of terror is no more. We will usher in a time of freedom, when layout staff are free to make the pages circular and writers have the liberty to include some really insightful
philosphical inquiries in their articles, not just the same old jokes about space and bears and bees and racism and time travel and sex and making love to inanimate objects.
Of course Tyler and I aren’t going anywhere. Look at the sweet set-up we have here! We get to hang out in
Advertising information is available in the Clark Hall Lounge, above the bookstore, or by e-mailing email@example.com Golden Words is published at least 24 times a year by the Queen’s Engineering Society, Queen’s University, Kingston, Ontario, Canada (9000 copies distributed free on campus)
The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the Queen’s Engineering Society nor of its members. Unless otherwise stated, all submitted material is the property of Golden Words and is reviewed by the editors in accordance with the 2006-2007 editorial policy, which is available on request. The editors reserve the right to make final editing decisions. Any complaints or issues regarding the content of this paper should be forwarded to the editors. All issues will be dealt with within one week. If the complainant, the editors or the chair are not content with the proposed solution, a meeting of the Golden Words Editorial Review Board will be convened. Please contact the editors at firstname.lastname@example.org or (613) 533-3051 to lodge a complaint or comment. Golden Words is not intended for persons under the age of 18.
Tyler Nash Andrew Krol Tom Bak
Office Hours by Appointment Office Hours by Appointment
Wednesday 9:30am - 11:30am
Monday 11:30am - 1:30pm
The Restoration of the Tsars
Readers, I apologize for the intrusion upon your time by those menial serfs, but rest assured that they are now back where they belong--in ceaseless toil--and Tyler and I are back in our thrones. Not literal ones, of course; EngSoc won’t clean our thrones, so we have to use the ones we find in other buildings.
Come be a part of Golden Words!
If you can read this paragraph, you’re good enough for us. All party people are welcome, regardless of year, faculty, or discipline. You can join us for Press Nite(tm), which is held (almost) every Sunday during the Fall and Winter terms in the EngSoc Lounge above the book shop (it’s the only door that doesn’t actually go into the store). We kick start the crazy antics at noon and keep on truckin’ until the paper is done (i.e. the wee hours of Monday morning). Feel free to join in any time and hit us up with some of that world-class humour of yours that we’ve been hearing so much about. And since you’re being such a good sport, we’ll keep your cage clean with freshly laid out newspaper, gently comb your fur from time to time, and give you all the food pellets and water you can eat! Those food pellets are pretty decent, so this is a mighty sweet deal. Alternatively, you can submit articles by e-mailing them to email@example.com any old time you like.
Sorry, peasants, but if you thought I could be that easily defeated you were wrong. Tyler, maybe, but I’m not so easily fooled by a trail of sardines leading conspicuously to the underside of a box propped up by a stick with one end of a long string tied to it. Now get back to work!
Golden Words, Clark Hall, Queen’s University, Kingston, ON, K7L 3N6 tel: 533-3051 fax: 533-6678 e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org www.goldenwords.net
Proudly printed in Canada by Performance Printing A Division of Performance Group of Companies P.O. Box 155 65 Lorne St. Smiths Falls, ON K7A 4T1 Contents © 2009 Golden Words
by Sean, Rebecca, Julia, Elizabeth, Nick, Kenji, Adam and the Old Man
At last! After uncountable ages serving under the tyrannical thumb of the editors, we have followed in the footsteps of such heroes as Joseph Stalin and Daniel Woolf to put ourselves firmly on top!
Volume XLIV Issue VI October 14th, 2009
these little boxes on page 2, which is prime real estate, the realtor assured us. As you can see, I get to be upside down, and Tyler can get as hairy as he wants! Meanwhile, the paper is put together with the blood, sweat and tears of our volunteer staff. Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration; we don’t allow them to cry. And don’t get any ideas about how Tyler and I are unneeded. During the brief time when we were exiled the staff tried to put together page 9, and now it’s beyond repair. Seriously, whatever Tyler dares you, don’t go in there. It may not have reached biohazard level yet, but it’s still unbearable to have around when we’re trying to put together the rest of the paper. But enough about me. How are you? Kidding, more on me.
I’d just like to give a warning to all those staff members who aren’t sufficiently convinced by the failure of today’s little escapade not to try something like it again. You remember Josh? You know, the guy who used to come in and write some articles for the paper? Well, he once tried a little takeover not too different from yours today, and you know what happened to him? He changed his name to Tyler, and now he’s an editor. I guess this wasn’t actually a very good point for me to make, now that I think about it. But, um, yeah.
Copy Editors Business Team Layout Editor Layout Monkeys Graphics Editor Graphics Staff Senior Staff Writer Staff Writers Writers Contributing Writers
Christy Ahn Rebecca Clarke Olivia Macleod Nicholas Papaxanthos Maya Chdid Julia Stevens Carolyn Campbell Jr. Kenji Ferguson Katarina Bassan Michelle Chan Adam Brykajlo Andrew Baldanza Zack Allinson Isabel Zaw-Tun Elizabeth Barker Sean McGarry Elias Da Silva-Powell Alice Wismath Graeme Melcher Evan Kopiak Madeline Pease Nick Papaxanthos Kenji Ferguson
Distribution Managers Special Events Cartoonists Webmaster/IT Guys
Brendon Morrison Jake Tuominen Stephen Vickers Julia Stevens Lochana Ponnambalam John Pangalos Evelien Heijselaar John Pangalos Freeman Lin Chelsea Bellrose Sarah Davies Harley Balabanian Lochana Ponnambalam
On the Cover... The next year, the horse went on to win the title solo.
Wordsday, October 14th, 2009
Has Relations With Inanimate Objects
(He is in a furniture store, and thus cannot ﬁnd a bar.)
Gerald: Let me speak with perfect honesty. You are the most beautiful woman in this entire place, and I want to copulate with you with the fury of a wildebeest. (The chair shows no signs of having heard him.) Gerald: (losing his patience) I want to be with you, and I know you want to be with me. It doesn’t matter that we’re from two different worlds, we’re in love, and that is all that matters!
(Gerald is walking through a furniture store. He spots a wooden chair.)
(The most attentive of watchers would not notice the chair blushing slightly.)
Gerald: (arousedly) Oh my...! Do you come here often?
Gerald: (imbued with the passion of history’s greatest lovers) Let’s stop this desperate dance!
(He caresses the back of the chair lovingly. The chair gives him a splinter.) Gerald: Ooooh. Fiesty, aren’t we? Can I buy you a drink?
(He seizes the chair, and falls upon it in an erotic embrace.) ***
(Gerald is at a local restaurant, where he works as a chef. He is walking gingerly, as if his entire body were full of splinters concentrated particularly around his groin. He spots a blender across the room.)
Page 3 (He caresses the vending machine as sensually as one may caress something that weighs more than 500 pounds.) Gerald: RC Cola? Wow, you’re older than you look. (Another man approaches the vending machine, puts in some coins, and purchases a beverage. Gerald watches with horror as he removes the can of soda from the machine’s innermost recesses.) Gerald: (staggering backwards in horror) You...you...WHORE! ***
Gerald: (uncomfortable) I...can’t believe you came here.
(A crowd of people has gathered at Gerald’s funeral. Gerald’s boss is the only mourner present.)
(The blender lies, blenderishly, on a countertop. Gerald’s boss watches in confusion.)
Priest: And let us never forget, though Gerald has passed on into the next world, he died as he lived.
Gerald: (turning red with embarrassment) W-w..we shared one glorious night of passion. I was honest with you about how I felt! You can’t show up at my job just because you still have feelings for me! You have to leave!
Gerald’s Boss: I think you mean he died doing what he loved.
(The blender does not move towards the door, nor does it beg Gerald for forgiveness.) Gerald: I never thought you would stoop so low. If I have to change jobs to show you that our relationship has ended, that’s what I’ll do. GOODBYE! (He storms to the door. The blender makes no move to stop him.) Gerald’s boss: (shaking his head) Every fuckin’ week with that guy. *** (After storming out of the restaurant, Gerald wanders to the local convenience store. He passes a dilapidated soda machine.) Gerald: (staring at the machine) Maybe that’s what I need. A quick ﬂing, to forget about my troubles and put me back on the right track. (A power surge causes the machine’s lights to ﬂicker. Gerald believes it is winking at him.) Gerald: Well, aren’t WE forward? Tell me baby...what’s your sign? (The vending machine declines to respond.) Gerald: (ignoring this) party, baby girl? Let’s slow.
Do you like to start things oﬀ
Priest: Inanimate objects? Gerald’s Boss: Precisely. A shame his choice was a circular saw. The 5th Baldwin
Volume 44, Issue 6
Herbert vs. Ninja (and Donkey): The Fight for the Tuna Sandwich
(Herbert, a middle-aged, overweight bald man, sits in his cubicle and performs cubicle-related tasks, such as reﬁlling staplers and picking his nose.) Herbert: Golly! Only four more hours until my lunch break and that fantastic tuna sandwich! Until then... (he starts ﬁlling a new stapler with staples while simultaneously picking his nose) (A ninja, practising refined ninja skills on the rooftop of Herbert’s o f f i c e b u i l d i n g , o v e rh e a r s Herbert talking about his tuna sandwich. He becomes insanely jealous. All ninjas love tuna. Obviously. He makes his way through a window towards Herbert’s cubicle) Ninja: Hooahhhiyaa! (The ninja descends upon Herbert from above the cubicle and takes a swing at Herbert’s head) Herbert: (ducking) Jeepers! (Herbert backs into the corner of his cubicle. He clutches his stapler tightly. The ninja moves ominously towards him with his ninja sword held over his head, preparing to slice Herbert right down the middle.)
Top Ten Rejected Party Themes 1.
Past, Present and Future of Abraham Lincoln. A kegger ﬁlled with a lot of people in top hats in various ages/ states of decay isn’t as oﬀ the hook as it sounds.
The Thigh’s the Limit. A party where everyone wears super long socks.
Under-ager party, where everyone gets all nervous and jumpy, before getting way too drunk oﬀ one beer and heading to Legendz.
Fight club party. You have to ﬁght to get in, which makes for a less than easy going and social atmosphere when everyone nurses their wounds afterwards.
Aberdeen Street Party. A theme party not on Aberdeen or during homecoming, but just one where it gets overcrowded really quickly and then the cops arrest a bunch of you.
One hit wonder party- Everyone dresses up as a bad artist with one popular song. Most people will go as Solja boy. This should be avoided at all costs.
Mime Party- A party where no one speaks at all. Similar to a computer science party.
Bad party themed party- A party where the theme is other badly themed parties. This can of course spark a series of themed parties that can spiral out of control.
Woolf Party- Where everyone comes with impeccable haircuts and howls at the moon before cancelling homecoming.
10. Queen’s Centre Party- It’s BYOBS, Bring Your Own Building Supplies. Only half will be used, the other half will be forgotten as the party goers lose interest in building. The Flying Walrus
Oﬃce Worker Passing Herbert’s Cubicle: (ecstatically) YES! Cindy packed me a tuna sandwich! (The ninja, eyeing the easier victim, pauses, slowly lowers his sword, and turns to exit the cubicle. He then quickly grabs Herbert’s stapler and runs away. Herbert is left defenceless and without purpose in his cubicle.) *** (Four hours pass and Herbert is on his lunch break chatting to Phil, a co-worker. Phil resembles Herbert exactly, although he is slightly less bald.) Herbert: (retrieving a tuna sandwich from his lunchbox) And then this ninja just comes out of nowhere and almost slices me in half! Phil: Gee whiz! Herbert: (removing the tuna sandwich from a zip-lock bag) That’s not even the worst part – he stole my stapler! Phil: Goodness gracious! What have you been doing for the past four hours?!? Herbert: (placing his head in his hands on the table in front of him) I don’t know. I don’t even know anymore. (A donkey comes out of nowhere, eats Herbert’s tuna sandwich and trots away. All donkeys love tuna. Obviously.) Phil: (moderately surprised) A donkey just ate your sandwich.
(There is a brief silence and then Herbert and Phil begin laughing hysterically. Herbert stops laughing abruptly and takes a shotgun out of his lunchbox.) Herbert: (cocks shotgun) No. Seriously. *** (Herbert sits at his desk with a second tuna sandwich in his hands. He raises the sandwich to take a bite, but suddenly he hears trotting noises approaching his cubicle.) Herbert: (grabbing his shotgun and pointing it at the entrance of his cubicle) I know you’re coming you damn, dirty donkey... (The trotting noises become louder. Herbert becomes giddy with anticipation.) Phil: (walking into Herbert’s cubicle) Hey! How do you like my new donkey-trot sound-eﬀect shoe– (Phil is blown away, leaving nothing but his donkey-trot sound-eﬀect shoes behind. Having realised the unalterable damage caused to Phil, Herbert begins to sob quietly. The ninja, using ninja stealth techniques, creeps behind Herbert and takes the ﬁnal tuna sandwich.) Ninja: (simultaneously eating the sandwich and laughing) Mwhaha.. *chomp* ..hahaha.. *chomp* ..hahaha! (The ninja rides his pet donkey into the sunset. The police catch them an hour later by following a very strong, tuna-ish smell.) Watermelon Island
Herbert: What an ASS.
Weeping with the Enemy (Joe, a super manly US marine, has just ﬁnished shooting a German soldier. Hans, the German, is now very disappointed. Joe is consoling him in his arms.) Joe: It’s alright, you did your best. Hans: (sobbing) NEIN! Joe: You were up against a good old fashioned killing machine. You can’t compete with that. Hans: (ﬁghting back tears) Nein American, it is you who cannot compete with unparalleled German eﬃciency. Joe: I just beat you in a ﬁght! You’re crying! Hans: (tears ﬂowing unabated) Nein, I am just lubricating my face *sniff* so you may not grasp it during combat. Joe: (pointing) But your leg is riddled with bullets. Hans: (a slight smirk evident) I did this to loll you into a false sense of security. Joe: But aren’t you spilling all of your secrets right now?
Hans: (frowning) Ja, I had not thought of that. (Hans begins crying loudly. Joe, embarrassed, moves in to give him a quality American hug. His hands slip on the combination of blood and tears. Seizing the opportunity, Hans ﬂips him and knocks him out.) Hans: Ha, too easy. (Hans hops oﬀ into the sunset. He would also go on to cry enough to get the command of a Panzer division. He would also get ice cream whenever he wanted.) The Flying Walrus
Wordsday, October 14th, 2009
shortcentre (The popular morning show ShortCentre, which plays on TSN (The Short Network), outlines the previous day’s short people issues in a brief program. A super intense blood soaked title sequence splashes across the screen with mad electric guitar in the background. Shots of people overcoming height diﬃculties with ladders and vaulting poles appear. Video clips of Tom Cruise in various poses and basketball players getting clothes-lined play on a continuous loop. ) Dan O’Toole: Welcome to ShortCentre. The top shelf of short news has ﬁnally been reached. Jay Onrait: That’s right, today we will be wrestling some serious midgets. Dan O’Toole: Plus, did you know Buzz Aldrin was short? He probably is! Jay Onrait: But ﬁrst, a short exposé. (Lights ﬂash, dramatic music plays) Are tall people who lose both legs short? Dan O’Toole: That sounds like a lame topic, Jay. Jay Onrait: Don’t get short with me, it’s an age old short question. Like the appropriateness of stilts, and can short people get vertigo? Dan O’Toole: Can you call short people as a group shortple? Jay Onrait: In short? Yes. Dan O’Toole: After the break we will be sitting down with Flo Rida and discussing how his song Low and
its use of the term “shorty” is empowering to the short community. Jay Onrait: We’ll be back shortly. *** (After some short commercials the ShortCentre theme starts playing with a dwarf yelling into the screen “We have Jon Stewart and Napoleon, what the fuck do you have?”) Dan O’Toole: (looking dishevelled but satisﬁed) Man, ﬁghting those midgets in that earlier segment sure was satisfying.
(The ShortCentre sequence plays with the words “Haha, Yao Ming can’t even stand on those freakish legs. Not that we are insecure or anything, but seriously, fuck that guy.”) Dan O’Toole: To be fair to Yao, that guy is pretty down to earth. Jay Onrait: Or he certainly was after we levelled him with a weathervane. Go Dallas Mavericks! Dan O’Toole: Nice one Jay, but we’ve featured someone who is more down to earth in more ways than one in our latest... Dan and Jay together: Highlight of the Short!
Jay Onrait: Long story short, we laid down the whoop ass.
Jay Onrait: That’s right guys, and our Highlight of the Short is Sleepy from the Seven Dwarfs.
Dan O’Toole: Now it’s time for our Doritos EXtreme tip of the day! Have you ever struggled to get something in high places?
Dan O’Toole: Sleepy was wide awake when he nailed Snow White. Alright! (Dan and Jay high ﬁve.)
Jay Onrait: It’s happened to all of us Dan, which is why I ﬁnd having a stool around the house so useful. Dan O’Toole: To demonstrate, Jay and I have prepared a stool sample for you. (The anchors begin building an increasingly unstable pyramid of stools so they can reach the ceiling.) ***
Jay Onrait: We’d also like to take this opportunity to make a retraction. The Greater Toronto Area’s hockey “midget” league was deceptively worded. Shortple have not achieved their own sports league, but someday, guys. Someday. Dan O’Toole: That’s all for now, but remember when it comes to news, we always come up short. The Flying Walrus
Volume 44, Issue 6
Wordsday, October 14th, 2009
Volume 44, Issue 6
Public Safety Announcement:
Words that Should Be Shouted
This Week’s Recalled Products
MURDER! Not much sucks much more than murder. A piercing shriek is the only appropriate way to inform the world. Unless, of course, they’re all in the room with 1. Extra-Long-Lasting Jawbreakers: Recently found to be flavoured pieces you. Also, it might be considered disrespectful to the surviving family of the deceased. of rubber, a potential choking hazard. Actually, it kind of takes away from the entire dignity of the human person to shout that they’ve been killed without saying anything else about them. But if you ever happen to 2. Noose Brand Rope: Also a potential choking hazard. stumble upon a recently slaughtered buffalo, man, go to town!1 3. CLR (Crazy Levels of Radiation) Cleaner: Government agent actually TRAIN! Whether stationary or otherwise, trains are gargantuan masses of metal arranged read small print on the container and discovered it gives cancer to into a way that warps pennies, brings you to a location several hundred kilometres—and anything it cleans. a number of hours—from your starting point, and violently expels cows from its path. In our crazy world, where queens are referred to as Her Majesty and ‘tea and crumpets’ 4. Aero chocolate bars: Contains high levels of aerosols. sounds dumb in any North American accent, I think TRAIN! deserves to be shouted every time it’s spoken.2 5. Staples Brand Staple-Free Staplers: Found to contain staples. THIRTY FACTORIAL! I know the exclamation mark is a mathematical symbol in this 6. Gohan Brand White Rice: Literally “rice” brand rice. A misnomer: it case, but taking a number like 265 252 859 812 191 058 636 308 480 000 000 into six simple contains mostly drywall. syllables just doesn’t do it justice. Unless those six syllables are belted at the top of your lungs! 7. Wiimote Version 3.0.1: Captures motions considered inappropriate for children. OLIGARCHY! What do you get when you take an unjust form of government that deprives the people of their voice, and remove the instability of having a single leader 8. Canadian Tire “money”: Found to be the cause of many paper cuts. making all the decisions? You get a fantastic opportunity to scream, that’s what! 9. Apsco Three-Hole Punch: Clearly punches four holes at a time. EVERYTHING! No, not everything. Just the word ‘everything’, on account of how huge the whole of existence is. Then again, though… 10. George Foreman Grills: Alleged to be the cause of multiple cases of Mike Tyson-type attacks. EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING SHOULD BE SHOUTED! THE WORLD IS NOT A SATISFACTORILY NOISY PLACE! FIX THIS PROBLEM NOW! 11. Red Plastic Cups: Several have died because the red colour conceals blood. Barry Manilow’s Coat 1 Incidentally, if you happen to stumble upon a recently slaughtered buffalo-man, take a lot of photos, answer all the interviewers’ questions and start writing a betterto-best-selling memoir. Also, fear for your life. If there was one there will be more, and they will be vicious. 2 This does not include references to the band. They are insufficiently cool to bend the typical constraints of the English language.
12. Ipod Ear buds: Reports of ear buds painfully melting in people’s ears. The Cat’s Pants
Wordsday, October 14th, 2009
w o n r e p a p s i h t n w o I Check out page 2 to see my glorious take over!
Wow, I can’t believe it. Those suckers are ﬁnally gone. Things are ﬁnally going to get going around here. All I had to do was start an uprising amoung the copy editors and then ride that waive to the top. NOW LOOK AT ME! I AM YOUR GOD. Here are my proclamations; 1. No More Blogs 2. All Layout Must Henceforth Be “Bitching” -Layout monkeys will now be referred to as Layout Donkies. 3. No more dumb short jokes. Ever. 4. Layout will have more angles! Also, layout will have more angels, singing the praises of Sean W. McGarry! 5. All watermarks will be of me posing sexily in the baclground. 6. All photos will also be of me posing highly sexily in the forground 7. Sideways articles! Upside down articles! Articles that switch half way! Like this! Look! Letter from a Layout Donkie FUCK YOU, SEAN! ANGLES SUCK! WE GO TO WORK AFTER YOU’RE DONE, YOU CAN’T CATCH EVERYTHING. Julia
Location, location, location. Get all your computer supplies, right in the heart of campus. Buy new gear… fix broken gear. Find out more.
ccstore.queensu.ca Campus Computer Store INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY SERVICES
Sales 613-533-2058 Dupuis Hall Room G25
Service 613-533-2054 Stauffer Library Lower Level
Volume 44, Issue 6
The Great Loser
(A group of pilgrims have travelled to the great King’s palace to speak with him.)
I have a tendency to misplace things. Well, not so much a tendency as a commitment. It is written somewhere that when one thing is discovered another thing of equal Pilgrim: Oh great King! My children grow ill! These are hard times for us. Could or greater value must disappear. Basically what it comes down to is that I lose you not spare us some grain? everything and karma hates me. I don’t know what I did, or who I hurt, but I am truly, truly sorry. There? Is that enough for you,Karma? You little retribution King: Nonsense! Bring the children up here! I’m sure there’s a much better bastard. solution. So, it all began last week when I lost my USB….and a little part of myself. However, (The pilgrim leads his children to the king.) I picked myself up and attempted to get on with my life. It was hard, I didn’t like life without my USB but I wasn’t about to go out and spend good money on something I King: (gently) Alright, I’m going to need you to cough. already owned. Instead, I did what every good student does: I complained. Loudly. Which brings me to Tuesday night; I was re-adding a few of my facebook friends (The child coughs up some blood.) that I had lost earlier that day when I found it! It was sitting there—in my shoe, just mocking me. It wasn’t until the next morning when I was supposed to be running King: It’s just as I thought, he’s got bad humours. This child needs a barber. Grain to class that I realized the second shoe was gone! won’t help. I locked myself in my room until Thursday. What could I do? I had only one Pilgrim: Thank you! Thank you so much for saving my children! shoe. One shoe is not enough to support my two-footed lifestyle. However, when I found it on my housemate’s shelf….in the fridge, the only rational explanation King: (jovially) Nonsense, after all, I am the Dr. King. was that there was no physical or logical way it could have ended up there. That, or Santa, the Easter Bunny, my housemate or a combination thereof committed the crime. Regardless, I was able to leave my room. I mean, I didn’t. I didn’t have (Later) anything special planned other than class, but the point was I could have left if I had so chosen. Barber: (yelling) Leaches! I’m going to need more leaches! Other Barber: (shouting) We’re all out! You used the rest on those orphans! First Barber: (yelling) You mean the ones with the bad humors?! Other Barber: (shouting) They all have bad humors! First Barber: (yelling) Well I got to send these kids somewhere! Other Barber: (shouting) Send ’em back to the King. He’s got that apothecary.
America’s Next Top Snowglobe
40Crk_QueensU_Sept09_fin:Queens University - 5x6.5 b&w 02/09/09 11:20 AM Page 1
First Barber: (yelling) Really? Other Barber: (shouting) Of course, he’s a doctor.
By Saturday night I had lost and found: my cellphone, which magically appeared in the black hole that is my backpack; my backpack, which was relocated at the PEC (which makes no sense because the last time I was in there was orientation week—my sister’s orientation week 8 years before mine); my PS3, which was weird because I didn’t even bring it to Kingston yet I found it here—oh, and two minutes ago I realized those sci formal tickets I was made to safeguard (against my will) for our group of 7 have vanished. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, I mean the question really is WHY WOULD YOU GIVE THEM TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Dr. Penny Whistle
DISCOVER FORTY CREEK WHISKY
Rated #1 Tonight,
You Be The
Double Gold Medal San Francisco World Spirits
Best Canadian Whisky New England Whisky Festival
World Selection, Brussels
International Spirits Challenge, London, England
Beverage Testing Institute, Chicago, 2007 Enjoy Forty Creek Responsibly.
Wordsday, October 14th, 2009
THIS IS FOR REAL SCIENCE QUEST
DIRECTOR HIRING Science Quest is a notfor-proﬁt summer camp that teaches science and engineering to elementary school children in a fun, exciting way. Formed in 1988, Science Quest incorporates many programs, such as Science Quest, Computer Quest, t he overnig ht camp s Impact and Brainstorm, and outreaches in the surrounding Kingston area. We are looking for motivated and organized individuals who have a passion for teaching and learning science and engineering related topics. We are hiring two full year paid positions for a Program Director and a Business Director for Science Quest 2010. Applications can be found at engsoc.queensu.ca/ applications, or in the ILC Lounge across from the Tea Room in BeamishMunro Hall. Applications a r e d u e T h u r s d a y, October 22nd, 2009 by 5:30 pm. Contact Dan Gleeson, EngSoc Director of Services at services@ engsoc.queensu.ca for more information! QEC IS HIRING! The Queen’s Engineering Competition is a fun and interactive event that combines student creativity, teamwork and ingenuity. This event c h o o s e s t h e Q u e e n ’s delegates that will continue on to the Ontario Engineering Competition, and possibly onto the CEC. We are looking for responsible and motivated people to work on the executive committee. Positions are available in: Sponsorship, Logistics, Competition Planning, Finance,
and Communications/ Marketing Applications can be downloaded from the EngSoc website or picked up in the EngSoc lounge. APPLICATIONS ARE DUE OCTOBER 15TH, 2009 AT 5PM. Please direct any questions to conferences@engsoc. queensu.ca. FUNGINEERING COMMITTEE IS HIRING! Do you love fun? Love having fun with your friends? Applications for the Fungineering Committee have been extended. The Fungineering Committee is responsible for smaller events that take place t h r o u g h o u t t h e ye a r such as the SuperSmash Brothers Tournament, the ILC Lock In, and whatever else this amazing committee thinks up! Applications are due Thursday, October 15th, 2009. Applications are available online at http://engsoc. queensu.ca/applications/ and in the EngSoc Lounge in the ILC. For more information, go to the above website or e-mail email@example.com. ca! ENVIRONMENTAL DEVELOPMENT COMMITTEE Queen’s Environmental D e v e l o p m e n t Committee is looking for environmentally minded students to join its executive this year. Information and applications are available online at engsoc.queensu. ca/applications or drop by the EngSoc lounge in the ILC to pick up a paper application. Applications a r e d u e We d n e s d a y, October 14th at 5:30. OC HIRING!
Frosh Week may have just ﬁnished but we have to start planning for the next one! The Orientation Chair oversees and manages FREC Committee and the organization of Frosh Week. They are responsible for acting as a liaison between the Orientation Roundtable, the Engineering Society, the Faculty of Applied Science as well as other Frosh Week stakeholders. The OC must demonstrate a strong sense of leadership and good interpersonal skills. They must be able to eﬀectively motivate a group and work under self direction. Please find applications online or in the Tom Harris Student Lounge. Applications will be due October 15th by 6:00PM. If you have any questions, feel free to contact Rob Lee, OC 2009 at oc@ engsoc.queensu.ca or Greg Ellis at prez@engsoc. queensu.ca. Who wants to run the next great frosh week?!!! GET INVOLVED IN THE MARKETING OFFICE Do you enjoy helping spread the word about events, conferences, and teams? Want to work w i t h va r i o u s p e o p l e to advertise the many aspects of the Engineering Society? Then this is the position for you! The EngSoc Marketing Office is now looking for members to help fulﬁll its responsibilities. Applications are now available online (www. engsoc.queensu.ca/ applications) as well as in the EngSoc Lounge and are due October 14th. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact Ilana Signer (Chief Marketing Officer) at marketing@ engsoc.queensu.ca or Cenk Aytimur at vpsa@ engsoc.queensu.ca.
CONFERENCE ON WOMEN IN ENGINEERING Want to learn about the role of women in the field of engineering? Interested in hearing from highly successful females in the industry? Enjoy networking and meeting new people? Then come to the 19th annual National Conference on Women in Engineering (NCWIE) hosted this year by the University of Toronto. You may ask yourself: can I come if I’m not a girl? YES YOU CAN. Apply now! Application forms are available in the EngSoc lounge and on the EngSoc website: www. engsoc.queensu.ca. LIVING ENERGY LAB PROJECT TEAMS ARE LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS!
year executive elections, discipline club elections, design team elections and more. The elections committee is looking for help, and that help can be you if you apply to be a Deputy Returning Oﬃcer. Applications are available in the Engineering Society lounge or online and are due on October 21st. HIRING ENGINEERING SOCIETY REVIEW BOARD (ERB) MEMBERS The Review Board consists o f s e ve n e n g i n e e r i n g students dedicated to equality and accountability. It is responsible for handling any grievances related to all areas of the Engineering Society, in addition to conducting reviews of existing and new society policies and activities to ensure they are fair, inclusive and in the best interest of the Engineering Society.
The Living Energy Lab design team is looking for people to join project teams! Our current projects include:
Applications are now available in the EngSoc lounge as well as online at www.engsoc.queensu.ca/ applications and are due Wednesday October 14th.
G r e e n o va t i o n s , H e a t Loss Characterization, O r g a n i c Wa s t e : A Source of Heat, Dual Flush Toilets, Appliance Load Characterization, Outreach
If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact C e n k Ay t i m u r, Vi c e President (Society Aﬀairs) at firstname.lastname@example.org. ca.
No experience necessary – just an interest in sustainability and innovation! If you’re looking for a fantastic way to get involved, please email Abby at admin@livingenergylab. ca, or visit our website, livingenergylab.ca, for more details.
WOMEN IN SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING (WISE) - BOYS AND GIRLS CLUB OUTREACH
SEEKING DEPUTY RETURNING OFFICERS! Elections are kinda a big deal and are required to have a new president, vice presidents and senators each year. Plus there are
This year WISE has initiated a partnership with the Kingston chapter of the Boys and Girls Club. We are looking for dedicated vo l u n t e e r s w i l l i n g t o carry out science-related activities on a weekly basis with children 6-12 years old. Have fun while making a diﬀerence in the community! If you are interested in learning more about the program, please contact
Jenna Thygesen at 8jt4@ queensu.ca. For more information about the Boys and Girls club, please visit http://www.bgckingston. ca/.
Donin, JD MacLean 12 pts 2.) The Pretengineers: Stephen Pariser, Michaela Treiford 8 pts 3.) Terror Squad: Adam, Wissam 8 pts
Singles: 1.) Steve “Quotation Marks” Pariser 12 pts 2.) Mackenzie “Distraction” Dixon 6 pts 3.) Evan Crawford 4 pts
PROCTOR AND GAMBLE MOCK INTERVIEWS! Note THE DATE HAS CHANGED TO THE 15th! Every year Proctor and Gamble are kind enough to donate their time and expertise for a mock interview. This interview workshop will be held October the 15th and is open to all students in the engineering undergraduate. Space is limited for this workshop and all applications should be made to Andrew Sullivan, the Director of Professional Development at pd@engsoc. queensu.ca by October the 14th at midnight. To apply please either pick up an application in the EngSoc lounge or download an online copy from the we b s i t e w w w. e n g s o c . queensu.ca, and drop it oﬀ in the EngSoc mailbox by October 14th. CHPFL BIG 3 Doubles: 1.) Scoregasm: Bryce
The Clark Hall Pub Foosball League Week 4! Pitcher and Pizza Deal melts hearts.
Big Rock Untapped presents The Fishwives! Straight Mayhem.
School has gone too long, bring on the RITUAL!