Volume 44, Issue 4
In The Arctic They told me I wouldn’t stand a chance. They said the Iditarod was an elite race, that without having any training it was suicide. I said “No, I trust these dogs with my life. They may only be German Shepherds but I once saw this one over here climb up a tree after a squirrel and chomp that sucker good.” Turns out they were right. So, here I am, stuck in an arctic wasteland, with no other human or dog for hundreds of miles. My wanderings have given me a lot of time for self reflection. I’ve just now finished mulling over all the things I wish I’d eaten in life. My greatest food-based regret is not getting one of those hilariously oversized burgers where if you order it the waitress gives a look that screams “you think that you can eat this burger?” But when you do you get it for free and you wink at the waitress and she gets all fluttery and you know deep down inside that you are a real man. A real man. I’ve had the chance to order one of those oversized burgers many
times, but at every opportunity I would always think “next time, next time it’ll be an even better burger and I’ll train and everything” and order a soggy chicken breast instead. But now look at me. All I’ve got is lousy Narwhal meat for burgers and no one is even around to see. I’ve also gone over all the things I’d like to see on the news, like “local Kingston man eats extremely large burger, celebrated as hero, flown to Vatican.” If that ever happened then I know I’d be happy, truly and sincerely happy. But now I’ll never experience any of those things, because I’m just a lonely sucker in the arctic. I have to hunt for my food like a loser and I’m probably desperate enough to accept any plane ride, even if it’s not to the Vatican for an awards ceremony.
So here I am, bitchin’ and fartin’ to my hearts content while I hunt for seal meat. O well, it could be worse. I could have been at Aberdeen. That was much lamer. What’s this? I’m saved? There are two figures on the horizon. They look like angles from heaven. But they could be polar bears, or wolves. I think I’ll play it safe, you don’t survive long out here by running towards every life saving figure. I think I’ll just wait till they round this here boulder where I can bash ‘em good with my Narwhal tusk.
“I’m having a little trouble with my cummerbund. Can you come help me?” I sigh. That Brad is such a mischievous little rapscallion, but I can’t help loving the guy. Suppressing my smile, I head into the room, only to find that Brad has somehow managed to put his pants on his head and is trying to place his cummerbund evenly around the waistline, inhibited mainly by the fact that this places it directly over his one good eye. He turns to me. “I seem to be encummered.” I laugh for hours and hours. Man, was Brad’s sister pissed about that. *** “Good tennis match, eh?” “Yeah, I guess.” It wasn’t really, but I can’t stand to see disappointment on that scurrilous little rascal’s face. “Let’s go wash up.” We do exactly that thing that I just said we should do. Changing back
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I’ve picked up a couple little tricks of the trade though. Looking at things in the right light can make life not quite so bad. In fact it’s pretty enjoyable out here considering that;
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“C’mon, Brad, we’re going to be late for your sister’s wedding. Is your tux on yet?”
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In the arctic, no one cares if you fart.
Editorial by Andrew
Volume XLIV Issue IV September 30th, 2009
In the arctic, no one can hear you complain.
into our non-tennis clothes, I notice Brad is having a bit of trouble. Well, perhaps that’s unfair. I mean, the word “bit” has never really abused me, so I shouldn’t misuse it so. “Grrhmfphfmrhnn,” Brad remarks. He has managed to fit twelve shirts onto his arms, but about halfway he stopped putting his head through the right holes and now he’s a tangled mess of cloth and adorably cuddly Brad. “Oh, Brad!” I chortle, hugging him without warning. Brad struggles for air through the many layers of wool and cotton. *** “Man, I can’t wait for this costume party!” my friend Mac tells me. Indeed, his Christina Aguilera costume is good enough to fool a dog, which is pretty impressive considering how his dog once beat him at yahtzee. Struggling to keep up with him in my wooden clogs, I hike up my heavy skirts and tie my eighties metal hair up in a bun to keep it out of my eyes. Mostly I’m just eager to see what that lovable scamp Brad is wearing. I arrive and immediately the sight of Brad blesses my eyes. But his costume is just no good. Instead of
dressing up like his hero (probably Frida Kahlo, in Brad’s case) like the invitation said, he’s just wearing the same jeans and navy sweater—Old Navy, to be precise—that he had on this morning. “Brad! Whaaaat? Like, whaaaaat?” I reply, my smile growing with every second. Brad looks at me and shrugs largely. My smile turns into a rapture of giggles. *** “Man, remind me again why we have to rescue Tyler Nash from this arctic wasteland,” Brad complains. “Because, Brad, he’s a sad and lonely little man who will probably die if we don—” At this point I turn around to see that Brad has once again humourously wound up with his pants on his head. It never gets old, and I show my appreciation accordingly. I mean, now Brad has to spend a few weeks in the hospital, and he’ll probably never be able to sire any offspring, but man, it was totally worth it! (For me.)
Tyler Nash Andrew Krol Tom Bak Susan Kim
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On the Cover They were almost done the Centre, but they had to start over when the Hover Laws were passed.
Wordsday, September 30th, 2009
Moral Dilemmas, Riddles, and Questions for Morons You are a soldier in a war, forced to hide out with a group of civilians in a house. As the enemy approaches, a baby under your protection begins to cry. If you smother the baby, you will save yourself and the other civilians under your protection; if you do not smother the baby, you will all be captured and killed. You may also choose to wake up from what is, in fact, a dream. What do you do? You come to two doors. Behind one door lies certain death, behind the other lies freedom. In front of each door stands a guard. One guard always tells the truth, the other always lies. You do not know which guard is which. You may ask only one question. There is also a third door which leads to freedom. In front of this door stands a delicious cake. The door is not guarded. Do you share the cake with the guards? You are standing at the top of a hill. You notice that there are several people tied to a train track at the bottom of the hill. A train is coming. You could pull a lever to divert the train, but the secondary track has a single person tied to it who will die instead. You could also pull two levers, and divert the train onto a third section of track, where no one will be injured, the train will arrive on time, and everyone will have a lovely trip. Do you update your Facebook status to “moral dilemma LOL”? A tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it, other than yourself, and three of your close friends. Does it make a sound? What is the sound of one hand clapping, when that hand is clapping against your other hand? You are aboard a ship that is suddenly shipwrecked. As you dive into the water, you spot a ﬂoating piece of driftwood, and swim towards it. When you reach it, you notice another man swimming towards you. The wood cannot
support both of you; one of you must live and the other must die. Do you steal the other man’s watch? A train leaves Chicago travelling south to Nashville at 60 km/hour. A train leaves Nashville twenty-ﬁve minutes later, heading to Chicago at 55km/hour. Assuming both trains travel at a constant speed, at what point will the passengers realize that train travel is foolishly outdated? Is the destination more important than the journey? Does your answer change if you are riding in a Ford Focus? You agree to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend. When you arrive, you discover that the blind date is in fact, quite repulsive. They have not noticed your arrival. If you stay, you will be unable to keep your food down; if you leave, your friend will be hurt by your behaviour. Should you throw eggs at your blind date? You are trapped in a room with a bomb, which could explode at any moment. The wrong decision will result in your death, as well as the death of popular 1970s funk/disco band Kool and the Gang. You can also choose to wait for a professional to arrive, risking the premature detonation of the bomb. You could also choose to escape from the room with the Gang, leaving only Kool to die. What do you do? The 5th Baldwin
When I was your age... When I was your age, children respected their elders. This included anyone even a few days older. Classes were ruled by the students born in early January, and December birthdays begged to be held back a year. When I was your age, oxen were oxen and foxes were foxes. There were none of these crazy ideas about hybrids. There were boundaries set by nature and polite society, and nobody dared cross them. Well, except the mad scientists, but they’ve always been exempt from most rules. When I was your age, we learned proper bus-riding techniques from our grandparents. None of this “busdrivers know best” nonsense. If busdrivers knew best, they wouldn’t have a career of handling rowdy youngsters at the extremities of the day. When I was your age, Hungary was about to invade, and everybody was preparing for the takeover by polishing up their Hungarian. Of course, the Atlantic Ocean was instead invented as a defence, but that didn’t stop our Hungarian professors from foisting the language upon us for the next few years until we realized they were in fact spies and had them tied up in town square. Oh, hey, another thing: When I was your age, town squares were square. What’s up with these new, rectangular town squares? Yeah, think about it. —Barry Manilow’s coat
Come in and try our allyou-can-eat buﬀet!
Volume 44, Issue 4
Sneak and Squeak™ Sneak and Squeak is the newest technique to get YOU out of trouble. It can be used in a variety of situations, including:
Echo-location. This comes in handy at night or if your secret dream is to become a bat.
Done repeatedly, it can create chaos and confusion, allowing you to escape.
It’s a fail-proof hiccup cure.
Your Sneak and Squeak™ kit will contain a manual with step by step instructions and colourful pictures (diagrams sold separately). Apply now and receive a free trench coat (while supplies last). Awkward situations have never been this stylish!
Lack of facial hair
About this Technique Sneaking is a lost art in today’s world, but studies show that it is still the number one way to avoid foes, predators, and angry exes. It can be done standing or sitting, but is most commonly done on all fours,since size reduction has a marked correlation to decreased conspicuousness. Proper sneaking technique is guaranteed to increase your survival rate by at least 9.3 %, as well as severely decreasing your chances of becoming entangled in the mob. Once you have confused people by being small and sneaky, the next step is to squeak. Squeaking should be done carefully, and with attention to detail. While being high-pitched is important, if overdone it can backﬁre as only dogs will be able to hear you. Of course, this is okay if you are dealing with dogs. Squeaking can have a variety of beneﬁcial eﬀects: •
“Sneak and Squeak saved my life. My boss caught me trying to steal his family and I thought I was done for, but I used Sneak and Squeak and he never knew what hit him. By the time he recovered from the shock, I was halfway to Mexico singing songs with his wife and children.” “I’m an alpaca farmer, but I was thinking of quitting because I’m tired of all the spitting and the kicking, and the attempts to hump my leg. But since I started using Sneak and Squeak, humpings have decreased by almost one quarter! Thanks Sneak and Squeak.”
The TrenchCoat Duck
If done correctly it can cause people’s ears to bleed.
Location, location, location. Get all your computer supplies, right in the heart of campus. Buy new gear… fix broken gear. Find out more.
ccstore.queensu.ca Campus Computer Store INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY SERVICES
Sales 613-533-2058 Dupuis Hall Room G25
Service 613-533-2054 Stauffer Library Lower Level
Did you know Common Ground has seven NEW Quickie sandwiches? Satisfy your tastebuds with a BBQ Chicken Wrap or a Turkey Basil Baguette. Combine with a drink and a dessert and SAVE $1.50! No wonder I’m so excited.
great new menu. same great deal.
Wordsday, September 30th, 2009
I Like to See Vans So dig this: A lot of you people out there like to see vans. For me, that just isn’t enough. I need to see the vans go, man. The ﬁrst time I saw a van, I was thirteen years old. The year was 1974, and it was the summer of people going from one place to another place by way of a van. I was in love with a girl named Mary, but that wouldn’t last. She was the type of woman to stay at home, and I was just the sort of man who liked to go. But I didn’t know how I wanted to go until that fateful night. On September 7th, there was a terrible accident. But this accident was no accident. I was walking home from a baseball game, and all of a sudden, as if from out of nowhere, BOOM! A van drove by. I knew right then and there that it was my purpose in life to be on that van, going wherever it took me. Or maybe in the van. Or even just outside the van, looking at it go somewhere. I guess it wasn’t an accident in any sense of the word. The ﬁrst place I ever went in a van was university. I’ll never forget packing all of my stuﬀ into my dad’s van, then driving all the way to the van store, where I purchased a van and drove to university. I didn’t just go to any university, I went to van university. Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, to be precise. I majored in vans, with a minor in communications. It was always my dream to be able to communicate with other people who were going places in vans, while going somewhere in my own van. My senior thesis project would have made that dream possible, but unfortunately the signal range was only as long as the string connecting the two cans. Then came the day that every man dreams of: The day he has enough money to aﬀord his very own second van. This one was a real beauty. It had four doors, and the kind of seats that you could just sit right in without even falling out of them. Finally, I could fulﬁll my dream of straddling two vans and watching them go places at the same time. Take some advice though: Make sure those two vans are going to the same place, or your groin is in for some serious trouble.
After a few quick surgeries, I was back on the vanwagon, vanning it up on the van circuit with my van buddies. Which is to say, I drove places in a van and knew other people who owned vans. Eventually, I was married to a beautiful woman, with whom I had my only son, Vance. Shortly after he turned eighteen, I felt it was time to teach him the value of van-based transportation. But just before I was going to talk to him, he came to me and said “Dad, now that I’m older, I’m going to have to get to places on my own.” “I know son, I know,” I said, tears of joy forming in the corners of my eyes. “So,” he said, “I want to get a motorcycle.” Though it broke my heart to do it, I did what any father who truly loves his son would do. I knew I couldn’t aﬀord a motorcycle without selling the family van, so I grabbed my keys, started the van, and slowly backed it out of the garage and over my son.
VROOM! Rembrandt Q. Uppercrust and Barbershop
Commies Sunk Goodes Hall, long seen as the heart of the Commerce faculty, has oﬃcially been swallowed up by the earth after several years of slowly sinking into the ground. This event was met with praise on campus as it symbolizes the end of an era typiﬁed by ﬂamboyant hedonism and prudent investments associated with the Commerce faculty.
With their Hall declared unsafe and abandoned, and plans for their ﬂying building never getting oﬀ the ground, the Commerce faculty found themselves without any building. As many will know, this led to the Commerce faculty having to relocate to the vacant site of the former Penitentiary For Women across from West Campus.
Reports that the building was sinking ﬁrst started coming in seven years ago after several inebriated engineers relieving themselves on the facility realized that “where we were pissing last night was a foot lower than where we were pissing tonight dude.” Since then the entire facility has slowly been descending into the soil, its foundations crumbling and decaying.
Though the cause of the sink is still not oﬃcially known, several campus experts have weighed in. Some of the popular hypotheses around campus include the weight of inﬂated Commerce students’ egos and wallets, the metaphoric sinking Commerce morality translating into the literal sinking of their Hall, and backroom deals with various embodiments of evil as some potential causes.
The collapse was not all bad, as it proved to be the deﬁnitive cause of the mysterious disappearance of the Goodes Hall Butlerbots, who had occupied sleeping quarters beneath the Hall. No survivors were ever found, and the only evidence of their tragic fate was a single silver platter covered in engine grease, found at the caved in entrance to their quarters.
Plans are underway to pave over the former site, and several local religious leaders have been recruited to bless the site of, as one said, “such unholiness as to make Sodom and Gomorrah seem like summer camp.” Proposals to build a new facility over the old site were shot down by Queen’s Voodoo experts who explained that, much like building on Native burial grounds, any building built on the old Goodes site would surely be subject to hauntings and poltergeists. The Doctor
Early panic over the loss of the comfortable leather couches and stylish décor resulted in senseless loss of life, as Commerce students would actually trample their classmates to death while looting the condemned facility, only to sell their stolen wares later as “relics of the lost Hall” at a startling markup. At ﬁrst, the Commerce faculty was unconcerned, as they had made plans to build a ﬂying building much like the ﬂoating JDUC attachment. However, upon a careful examination of the Commerce faculty budget by account-obots, it was discovered that they were completely broke, having spent all their money on much-coveted Venusian cigars, jewelry made of the rarest mineral in the galaxy, zambonium, and polish for their silver spoons. The Commerce faculty found itself in dire straights, being unable to call upon the rest of the school for support, as they formally seceded from the rest of the school several decades ago, claiming that they were “just that fucking great.”
Volume 44, Issue 4
Wordsday, September 30th, 2009
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Volume 44, Issue 4
Real Reason for Continued Queen’s Centre Delays Revealed As the Queen’s Centre’s grand opening is delayed once again, questions regarding the continued delays have reached a fever peak. Many students, alumni, staff and dudes that just wanna get fit are asking the same question: What the fuck is up with this shit? The Queen’s Centre, which currently has a budget greater than the GDP of many small space colonies, is facing growing resentment surrounding the causes of the continued construction. Why have we sunk so much money into this project while neglecting essential campus services such as repairing the decaying Queen’s Gamma Radiation Shield, or replacing the carcinogenic old books in the Stauﬀer Information Download Facility? Perhaps the most glaring budget cut has resulted in failing to upgrade the software in our Securibots to the new Version 11.06, which boasts noticeably fewer accidental killings than our present 11.05 operating system. What devious force is behind the continued delays? Have the brainbots of Blasphemorol 13 ﬁnally succeeded in their quest to seize control of our delicious logic? Are we living in the
has come forward with a startling revelation about the continuing delays. “It’s all the frosh! We could have been done by 2007, but then we realized how many cute frosh there were, and, well… come on man!” sobbed our source. “We spend our coﬀee breaks ogling these hot young things, so why would we want to ﬁnish our work and leave?”
parallel universe of endless irritation and unhappiness ﬁrst theorized by noted physicist and teen sensation Miley Cyrus? Many religious zealots claim this is a sign of the third coming of Jesus, drawing parallels between our current quagmire and the lack of progress in Iraq preceding His election as President of the United
States in 2008, or as He was known at the time, Barack Obama. The truth, it would seem, is much simpler, and much more sinister.
Clearly, drastic action needs to be taken to stop this problem. When confronted with this shocking news, the only rational course of action becomes immediately clear: stop accepting new students. As the supply of frosh suddenly disappears next year, the construction will slowly begin to pick up and by the time this year’s batch of frosh have been transformed into atrocious and hideous fourth-year students, construction workers will be so desperate to get away that they will be begging to work overtime just to get the Centre completed and get the hell out of here.
An anonymous source with Union 241, the union responsible for overseeing the work on the Queen’s Centre,
My out of body experience So I was really bored this week. So bored, in fact, that I decided I had to get out of my head—literally. The obvious method didn’t really appeal to me, my being squeamish about vast amounts of gushing blood and all. So I approached this as any normal person would: I hired a psychic. Now, psychics have been getting a bad rap lately. I’ve heard around the water cooler that some people believe psychics don’t actually have second sight. Of course they do! Not everyone can stare into a distorted ball and ﬁgure out that I’m an absolutely wonderful person. What was really strange is that this one psychic I went to was able to tell me that I was a strong, conﬁdent young person who was going to graduate from a learning institution, marry a tall, dark, handsome man and I would try to have children, all from a bunch of cards! It was eerie, really. The other thing I’ve heard is that psychics are nothing more than scam artists, which I think is ridiculous. When I found out I was going to be rich and famous I was more than willing to pay the $70 an hour—clearly I have more coming, so why not live the good life now? So I hired the services of Madam Olga. I just have to say that as talented as she is in the way of the future, she’s horrible at ﬁnding things in the present. Fifteen minutes after I sat down I realized my wallet was missing. I did not know spirits had such light ﬁngers. Then I somehow hit my head on her crystal ball or her crystal ball somehow hit my head—I haven’t decided. The next thing I knew I was ﬂoating over my unconscious body. It was awesome! I loved being invisible…for a while. I stalked all my friends, and then random people kept calling me into these candle-lit circles. All I can say about that is that it got awkward. So, I ﬂoated around the city, ignoring crosswalk signs, surveying people’s PIN numbers. I snuck
into strangers’ apartments and discovered that…people are really boring; I didn’t come across one worthwhile scandal, celebrities included. I took in a movie or two, floated aimlessly for a while. I had to get back before I was considered legally dead. I’m still having some problems with that. According to federal law I may or may not have committed medical insurance fraud. I guess it’s invalid if you’ve been declared dead and then you suddenly become alive again. They do not like being wrong. It wasn’t the greatest experience I’ve ever had but it’s hard to ﬁnd a comparison for something devoid of all feeling. Still, it beat studying for midterms and I got a nice lawsuit out of it. Technically the jury is still out, but I couldn’t wait to hear the outcome so I asked Madam Olga. She told me that they’re going to ﬁnd her not guilty and I might as well drop the case. What can I say? You can’t ﬁght fate.
America’s Next Top Snowglobe
Wordsday, September 30th, 2009
Ideas for Sequels: Like Real Movies, But Better!
In the end, the deer was hunting them all along. It’s a classic revenge tragedy called Deerhunt.
Deerhunt II: Revenge of the Hunter[-Turned-Hunted]: The sons of the hunters who were brutally killed by the murderous deer return to the forest for revenge. Deerhunt III: The Cycle Continues: Now, the fawns of the murdered murderous deer travel to the city to get revenge on the murderous sons of the hunters who were murdered by their murderous deer-fathers. Deerhunt IV: You Know How It Works By Now (Hopefully): The lone descendant of the murdered sons of the murdered hunters returns to the woods to kill all the deer there and thus end the cycle of revenge once and for all. *** None of the ducks are aliens after all. The misunderstanding was merely the result of a poorlycrafted Icelandic tourism video. It’s called Ducks From Outer Space. Ducks From Outer Space II: They’re Aliens After All! A Pariah Scientist ﬁnds out the ducks actually are aliens, they were just lulling us into a false sense of security. However, in the end he is proven wrong and it turns out they’re not aliens.
Excerpts from the Golden Words Aberdeen Live Blog: 5:10pm: Police are seen comparing horsepower. 7:36pm: The ﬁrst of many arrests for abuse of vans. Suspected trauma caused to the van’s feelings. 7:47pm: Can hear a plane flying overhead. Wish we had a press airplane. Try to break into that hungry students!
Ducks From Outer Space III: Seriously. Guys. What exactly is it about these ducks that made everyone think they were aliens? Twice? Mysteries are promised to be revealed! However, in the end, it turns out there were no mysteries after all; the people observing the ducks were just idiots.
will wonder about the original Fireballs, especially since the other movies are constantly referencing it and none of their plots make sense without it, but it just isn’t there. There is no Fireballs I.
*** The adventures of a boat that’s so small, it can ﬁt in a bathtub. Only it’s not a toy boat, it’s a real boat. It’s called Smallboat.
A policeman named Bobby is the best in the business, so he is then cloned to increase productivity and reduce crime. However, they all go crazy and the only way to stop them is to kill the original. It’s called The Bobbies.
Smallboat 2: This time, it’s TOO small.
Revenge of the Bobbies: exactly what it sounds like.
Smallboat 3: We’re going to need a bigger boat. *** A romantic comedy about a man who can only speak in sarcasm. It’s called I… Love You? I… Love You? 2? After freed from the gypsy sarcasm curse, the man accidentally gives the curse to his lady friend. *** A series of movies that are all sequels. Like, the ﬁrst one in the series will be called “Fireballs 2: Hotter than ever” and then “Fireballs 3: Fiery balls like you’ve never seen before!!” and so on and so on and everyone
*** A man named Thisic becomes king and makes all these stupid laws, leading to an underground rebel uprising. It’s called Defying the Laws of Thisic’s. Defying the Laws of Thisic’s II: Deﬁning the Loss of Physics. Basically, the uprisers summon a mathematician magician in the ﬁrst movie, who causes a space-time rift and basically ruins every rule of physical reality in the world. Oops, sorry for the spoiler alert. Defying the Laws of Thisic’s III: Dethroning the Lass of Thisic’s or: The Return of Algebra. Thisic died in the second movie (Argh, sorry again) and his evil daughter Algebra inherited his throne. I Hate Dolphins
8:03pm: Bored police are playing hacky sack with concussion grenades.
9:01pm: Police retreat under heavy ping pong ball ﬁre.
8:05pm: Overhear police discussing plans to “fuck those little bastards up good and proper.”
9:04pm: Survivors are singing a rousing rendition of “Oil Thigh,” in honour of their fallen comrades.
8:19pm: Fuck! We’re getting a ticket for “typing with malicious intent.”
9:45pm: Queen’s Nudist Club streaks down Aberdeen. Horses still convinced of their superiority.
8:19:30pm: We’ve just received another ticket for saying, “fuck.” 9:00pm: Partygoer arrested for assaulting a police oﬃcer after the oﬃcer in question is hit by a wildly thrown beer pong ball.
10:13pm: After an attempted horse hijacking, police decide to gas the students. 10:14pm: Students are collapsing with laughter; police are realizing they have mistakenly used laughing gas instead of teargas.
10:16pm: Horses do not reply well to laughing gas. Their ﬂatulence counters the eﬀects of the gas, and all laughter immediately ceases. 11:26pm: A suspicious-looking wooden horse is wheeled in north of William. We’re sending someone to investigate. The Classics major seems to know something we don’t. 11:34pm: Revelers have decided it’s a good idea to ﬂip the horse. They’re chanting, “SAVE A CAR, FLIP A HORSE!” as loud as they can. No Pools Sorry & The Doctor
Top Ten Movies for Cats: 1. The Way We Purr – This heartwarming classic will have you purring so hard you cough up a hairball. 2. Scar Wars: The Empire Scratches Back – Persian Leia teams up with alley cat Han Solo to ﬁght the evil Dog Vader. 3. Hairy Paw-er and the Basket of Secrets – Non-purebreds are in trouble when long forgotten hairballs come out. 4. Miami Mice – Two undercover cats team up with a group of mice to ﬁght illegal catnip sales. 5. A Tail of Two Kitties – Two cats stand up to the brutal humiliation of having bows tied on their tails. 6. Die Rats of the Caribbean – Pirate Cats plunder the seas and make rats walk the plank. 7. The Wizard of Paws – A cat named Dorothy is swept up by a tornado of yarn and taken to a magical land where she must “follow the mouse on the string” to ﬁnd her way home. 8. When Harry Pet Sally – A tale of love between a man and the stray cat he ﬁnds at a bus stop. 9. Rat Chase – The chance to win big will have these cats chasing all over the country looking for that special rat. 10. The Catnip in the Hat – When the owners are away, the cats will play.
The TrenchCoat Duck
Volume 44, Issue 4
My Demonic Laptop From Hell I’m writing this in hopes that my mum or some lonely, gullible rich kid picks up this issue of Golden Words and feels a pang of sympathy for me and my situation. It’s not that my laptop won’t turn on – it does, although it usually needs a bit of a thwack (two throws oﬀ the second ﬂoor of Stauﬀer usually gets it going; if it hits someone at the bottom then it almost always starts up immediately, even if the person doesn’t). The problem is that I believe it’s being possessed by an evil spirit. Take yesterday, for example: I turned on my PC and that cheerful melody that plays at the startup was replaced by a series of throaty, demonic, grunting noises. My roommate must have heard the noises because he told me I was disgusting and then left the room. Things are now awkward between us. Probably my biggest problem is that during lectures the computer sometimes sets the volume to the max and opens video ﬁles on my computer which I swear I’ve never seen before; I was kicked out of the lecture hall that one time when the video had something to do with a Ms. Candy and a pterodactyl. People don’t sit near me in the library anymore. It’s partly because they know me as the ‘guy who throws his laptop oﬀ the second ﬂoor’, but it’s also because the CD-drive has the odd habit of shooting out of the computer and smacking scholarly people right in the forehead. The CD-drive has since stopped shooting out at people, but now I can’t open it at all. IT services told me that the drive was jammed by ‘one thousand souls of the damned’ and could only be ﬁxed if I bought an obscenely expensive program called ‘Virtual Exorcist’.
Top Ten Places to Hang in K-Town on a Friday Night
10. Stauﬀ. Sober, studious and a super party. Stauﬀer is the place to be on Friday Nights. 9. Stages. Unless of course you don’t like townies and hand syphilis. 8. Hit up the Lazy Scholar and prey on frosh. If you spend the night in res, you win! 7. Shaker’s Lounge, 46 Montreal Street. The best place to stare at necked girls and throw some loonies on that bitch.
I bought the software, but I think that’s only made things worse. Whenever I start typing out important academic essays, the monitor randomly slams shut on my ﬁngers. Once it devoured my ﬁngernails, and from that moment slideshow presentations have always followed the same routine: the computer spits out a ﬁngernail from its rear, and then the professor asks for an explanation, and then Candy comes on the screen with her pterodactyl and I’m kicked out. Things have only gotten worse since the presentations. If you think QCard doesn’t work with YOUR system, you don’t want to know what happens on mine... Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of research and I’m thinking about buying a Mac. They seem a lot more friendly and handicapped. The only problem is that when I tried to throw out the laptop the other day, it just reappeared in my bedroom and threatened to possess my printer as well. I can’t take any more chances, Ida somehow teamed up with the demon and I think they’re planning on getting rid of all of my DC++ downloads (that’s hundreds of minutes of mindless TV watching that’ll go to waste!). I called the cops but they redirected me to technical support. Technical support suggested I update my system. Assholes. Watermelon Island
Excuse the Interruption (Che Guevera is explaining Communist rhetoric when Kanye West rudely interrupts.) Kanye: Excuse me Che, and Imma let you ﬁnish… Che: No. I’m a rebel without a pause. 40Crk_QueensU_Sept09_fin:Queens University - 5x6.5 b&w 02/09/09 11:20 AM Page 1
The Flying Walrus
DISCOVER FORTY CREEK WHISKY
Rated #1 Tonight,
You Be The
6. Phone your mommy. Wait. Scratch that. Phone your friend’s mom. What a MILF.
5. LegendBall-Z. Better than the TV show because it’s real life, action-packed and full of frosh.
Double Gold Medal
4. Raid a kegger. Literally. Dress up as a police oﬃcer, take down a kegger, steal their liquor and as an added bonus take down the names and numbers of any love interest you would like to pursue. If a cop suspects you of impersonation, arrest him before he has the chance to arrest you. 3. Phone Quest. You can chat with hot local singles in the comfort of your home. If you’re looking to meet townies for a long-term relationship, dating, casual dating, friendship or a night of romance, Quest Personals is the place for everyone! Must be 18+.
San Francisco World Spirits
Best Canadian Whisky New England Whisky Festival
World Selection, Brussels
International Spirits Challenge, London, England
2. Locked away in the basement of a Kingston penitentiary. The higher security, the better.
Beverage Testing Institute, Chicago, 2007
1. And the number one place to be in Kingston on a Friday night: Anywhere in Kingston. Kingston, Jamaica, that is.
Enjoy Forty Creek Responsibly.
The P’rhyme Minister
Wordsday, September 30th, 2009
THIS IS FOR
ENGSOC IS HIRING… HERE’S HOW TO APPLY! Want to get involved in the most amazing Faculty Society on campus? The Engineering Society is hiring for many positions, with more to come in the future! Visit http://engsoc.queensu.ca/society/ get involved today for more info and/or an application form, and submit your applications to the EngSoc Mailbox in the EngSoc Lounge in the ILC, as well as electronically to Cenk Aytimur, Vice-President (Society Affairs) at email@example.com.
Queen’s Solar Design Team is Hiring!
Formerly the Queen’s Solar Vehicle Team, the QSDT has a new goal: we’re building a house. As we prepare our proposal for the 2011 Solar Decathlon we are looking to fill the positions of Assistant Project Manager and Communications Manager. Please visit www.qsdt. ca and qsdt.blogspot.com for more info. The deadline for applications is October 1st at 5pm.
THE BEST BEER LEAGUE ON CAMPUS IS RECRUITING
The Clark Hall Pub Foosball League is open to everyone of all skill levels every Wednesday at Clark Hall Pub. The more you play, the more loot you win.
External Relations Committee is Hiring
Are you looking to get involved? If so, the External Relations Committee is hiring! You will have a chance to get involved with many events run in the Kingston community, including the Santa Claus Parade, FebFest and National Engineering Month. There are lots of different positions available to help run these events. Applications will be available in the EngSoc Lounge. Come check it out! If you have any questions e-mail Maegan Fell at erc@engsoc. queensu.ca.
Queen’s Engineering Competition is Hiring!
QEC is a fun and interactive annual event that combines student creativity, teamwork and technical knowledge. This event chooses the Queen’s delegates that will continue on to the Ontario Engineering Competition. We are looking for responsible and motivated people interested in chairing the committee that runs the competition. Applications are due October 2nd, 2009 at 4pm in the EngSoc mailbox and can be downloaded
from the EngSoc homepage or picked up in the EngSoc lounge. For questions e-mail conferences@ engsoc.queensu.ca.
EngWeek is Hiring!
EngWeek is a week-long series of events that brings together students of all engineering years the second week back to class in January. EngWeek committee members will be responsible for budgeting, sanctioning, and planning all of the events in the months prior to EngWeek. Applications are available at www.engsoc.queensu. ca or in the EngSoc Lounge. and are due Thursday, October 1st at 5:30 pm. Interviews will be held October 3rd-4th. For more info contact Emily Haggarty, the EngWeek Coordinator at engweek@engsoc. queensu.ca.
SEED Committee Hiring
Are you interested in making the most of your education? Do you feel that the faculty isn’t doing a great job in a particular course or area? Students for Engineering Education Development is a committee that investigates various academic issues in engineering education, runs forums to gather feedback from students and performs various course reviews. If you’re interested in bettering your educational experience and want to gain an insight into engineering education, SEED is right for you. Applications are on the EngSoc website and in the EngSoc lounge. They’ll be accepted until October 1st at 5:30 pm, and interviews will be conducted October 5th. If you have questions, contact the SEED Chair, Thai Phi (seed@ engsoc.queensu.ca) or your VP Academic, Mike Brown (vpa@ engsoc.queensu.ca).
SCI’11 - Get involved with the Science Formal!
The Sci’10 Science Formal hasn’t even happened yet, but we’re already hiring the new committee for Sci’11! Applications for Convener, Art Chair, Construction Chair, Communication Chair, Finance Chair, Logistics Chair, and
Manager positions are currently available in the EngSoc lounge. The Science Formal is a great way to get involved with your engineering year and plan the best party of university. Convener applications are due October 13th at noon, Chair applications are due October 15th at noon, and Manager applications are due October 21st at noon. Position descriptions are available on the applications. Contact the current convener, Brittney Dawney at sciformal. firstname.lastname@example.org with questions. Good luck!
Interested in organizing an international competition?
Become a Director of the World Robotic Sailing Championship Coordinating Committee! Applications are available in the EngSoc Lounge or online at engsoc.queensu.ca/applications. Due October 14th.
EngLinks is looking for Tutors
Interested in making money doing some tutoring this year? EngLinks is a service run through the Queen’s Engineering Society which matches tutors with students looking for academic help. As a tutor, you would set up times to meet with the student you are tutoring. Service rates are completely up to the student-tutor agreement, but generally range from $10-$17 per hr depending on the tutor and their experience.
throughout the year such as the SuperSmash Brothers Tournament, the ILC Lock-In, and whatever else this amazing committee thinks up! Applications are due Thursday October 1st 2009 and are available online at http://engsoc.queensu. ca/application-forms/ and in the EngSoc Lounge. For more info, go to the above website or e-mail email@example.com!
Computer Managers Wanted!
Have you ever been described as ‘The Computer Guy/Girl’? Fixed a friend’s or relative’s printer lately? If Computer Manager for EngSoc is the right position for you! EngSoc needs computer managers who have or are eager to learn new skills in networking, web-development, and general troubleshooting.
GET INVOLVED: FIRST YEAR PROJECT COORDINATORS
Interested in getting involved with the Engineering Society? Apply to be a First Year Project Coordinator! Ta s k s i n c l u d e w o r k i n g o n important documents, projects and events for the executive and directors along with being their new best friend. Check out the EngSoc website for more info on positions.
QPID is Hiring!
Applications are available on the EngSoc website http://engsoc. queensu.ca/academics/englinks/. For more info contact the EngLinks coordinator, Stephanie Dumais at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Interested in development? Want to make a difference? Being a part of the QPID is a great way to gain valuable leadership experience and to explore and learn about local and global development. Applications for both committee and executive roles are available at http://engsoc.queensu.ca and must be submitted by September 30. If you have any questions, contact Rebecca Gill at qpid. email@example.com.
EngSoc is hiring Event Coordinators!
Executive positions QPID is hiring for include:
Want to help plan and throw events for your fellow Engineers? Applications are available for the Fungineering Committee applications. The Fungineering Committee is responsible for smaller events that take place
• Website Manager
The Clark Hall Pub Foosball League season continues as the best beer league on campus. Open to everyone at any time during the season. $15.50 Pitcher and Pizza deal all night.
Make Your Exit lights up the Clark stage in their return to Queen’s. These guys put on an amazing show.
The eternal... RITUAL. You know the drill.
• QPID Committees that are hiring include: • Kingston Projects • Social Action • Sponsorship • Alumni Relations
Hiring Engineering Society Review Board (ERB) Members
The Review Board consists of seven engineering students dedicated to equality and accountability. It is responsible for handling any grievances related to all areas of the Engineering Society, in addition to conducting review of existing and new society policies and activities to ensure they are fair, inclusive and in the best interest of the Engineering Society. Applications are now available in the EngSoc lounge and online at www.engsoc.q ueensu.ca/ applications. If you have any questions, contact Cenk Aytimur at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Sci Formal Fashion Show this Thursday
Calling all engineers! The Science Formal Fashion Show will be held this Thursday at Alfie’s, featuring your fellow classmates walking the catwalk! That’s right: Queen’s Applied Science has some lookers and they’re going to strut their stuff just for you. Doors open at 9pm and the show will start shortly after so get there early to get a good seat. Did we mention there’s a lingerie show, and the main band that will be playing at this year’s event will be released? Sci’10: get a half hour of time just for showing up! Tickets are $6. See you there!
F i r s t Ye a r E n g i n e e r i n g Dear Michelle, Representative My tears have salted your earth. Mopily yours, Sad McGarry Project Managers
Published on Sep 30, 2009