Inside my brain
Work BD (before degree)
September I’m scared of everyone, feeling real blue, I spend most of this month set in my ways and decidedly hating any work I produce. Most of this is an internal monologue. I also romanticise the idea of becoming a chef, because maybe that’s actually what I’m meant to be when I grow up.
October Feeling a bit better about my work, or rather, I am recognising that itâ€™s changing. I feel like Iâ€™m making discoveries but still not happy with how things look. Iâ€™m unsure how to push further into making things look neat and lovely and professional.
November Better, I’m realising Matt does actually know what he’s on about and the petulant child in me gives up, and listens. I’m actually dry brushing and using new media, Fineliner who!?
Thought Bubble I think I spent more money than I made but this was a massive weekend for me. Being around other creatives and being a part of it made it all seem more achievable. It was hard work preparing for it but ultimately it paid off in terms of my selfconfidence, connections and general attitude towards the value of what I do.
December Everything is getting better, Iâ€™m into it, Itâ€™s lovely, then I have to move house. Uni has to take a back seat and I feel underwhelmed and the possibility of creating work gets smaller and smaller. I feel disappointed by how little of myself Iâ€™m putting into my work.
January Visual narratives, I spent most of my time inside my head, flitting back and forth through ideas. I had an epiphany, why not illustrate what goes on in my brain? Still not enough development work to get good grades but I learnt a lot, it was very cathartic. I felt less of a failure and really enjoyed working in a completely different way to what I would normally do.
February In February was the group brief, I found it bloody hard because other people were relying on my not being a failure. I built a den though, that was good but I realised my brain isn't cut out for 3D stuff, I donâ€™t have enough patience.
March ILLUSTRATOR YOU DEMON Iâ€™m still leaving everything ever to the last minute, but Iâ€™m being more critical about it and getting slightly better at planning my time. I found that staying in the studio until 9pm, existing solely on Pink Ladies and smoking a lot helps.
April Why didnâ€™t I do all my work over Easter? I focused on Visual language as I had spent months and months putting it off. If I could time travel I would go back and nip my own underarms until I pulled my shit together. Once back at Uni I STILL left everything to the last minute because I was too scared of starting anything and it not being good enough, it turned out rushed and a bit rubbish because of this. I hate my brain.
I was asked to do these simultaneously, it felt good to make work that people were going to view outside of university, and it felt nice to know that people other than my mum liked my work.
May The Month of Modules Past. Seriously found this difficult, it was like being repeatedly punched in the face every Thursday for 3 weeks, and you knew it was coming and got caught between wanting to get aforementioned punch over with, and having a bit more time to dip your face in numbing cream.
A Dip Pen love affair I think this is where I’m heading, after a year I’ve found something that has a similar control as fine liner, but doesn’t feel as soulless, there’s still room for character.
What Next? I feel like I’ve learnt a hell of a lot, even though I’ve been an idiot for most of it, I feel like I’m ready to get rid of the constant feeling of disappointment after every final resolution. I want to make weird work again but better, I want to be surreal, I want to use level 5 to make strange stuff, and most of all, I want to keep falling in love with making pictures.