the city magazine for brighton & hove www.thelatest.co.uk
★ arts ★ news ★ food ★ listings ★ tv guide ★ 8 – 14 September 2009
Grime squad Ex-police turn sewer detectives Brighton Rock The film classic gets remade Heather Mills On her love affair with Banksy
Matt Lucas interviewed page 20
Heatwave Argentina’s hottest dance show Tango Fire comes to Brighton Dome page 11
Oriental buffet - eat as much as you like With over 50 items for lunch and 70 items for dinner including seafood, aromatic crispy duck, Japanese sushi, teppanyaki and fruit ice cream. Lunch from: £5.99 Dinner from: £8.99 Buy one get one free soft drinks & Sun Lik Beer (until 30 sept, evenings only)
18-19 York Place Brighton BN1 4GU Tel: 01273 698 606
Contents ★ latest upfront 5–10
17 Food & Drink Jeremy’s of Borde Hill reviewed
5 City Speak Seann reveals the cold facts about friendship while Will has a disturbing encounter in a graveyard
6 Social Diary The launch of ace new fashion photography mag Gang Up
Where to eat everything from French pastries to stylish Thai
★ latest listings 20–33 20 Stage
Matt Lucas on playing Joe Orton’s murderous lover in Prick Up Your Ears
6 Competitions Win Theatre Royal family tickets
What’s on at your local cinema
Are there too many Tescos in town?
When bladder problems strike
Heather Mills pays a visit to Banksy’s landmark Bristol exhibition
22 Music Imogen Heap and Kate Walsh reviewed
8 Bare Cheek
Latest Brighton Download Chart
8 Astral Angi Let the stars tell you what not to wear
Funkerman plays fresh from his Ibiza residency
News of the Brighton Rock remake
10 7 Days Of Headlines
Your seven-day gay listings guide
Phil Mills digests the week’s news
★ latest lifestyle 11–19
11 Cover feature
The Royal Pavilion opens its doors for a banquet Architecture-inspired exhibition at the Phoenix Gallery
Tango Fire arrives at Brighton Dome
12 Travel The little-known delights of Lefkada
13 Health & Beauty
The real stories behind Brighton’s bus names
27 TV David Blaine returns; The Wire exits
Pilates courses and spa treatments
rt critic Brian Sewell caused uproar last week when he said that street artist Banksy, who’s just closed a phenomenally popular show in his hometown of Bristol, “should have been put down at birth”. Good job we have our own art critic – in the surprise form of Heather Mills – to put him straight. This week she uses her fortnightly VBites column to argue that Banksy, some of whose most iconic works are on Brighton streets, is in fact “the nation’s bulls**t detector, an artistic Zorro with a spray can” – and a veggie activist to boot. Sock it to Sewell yourself by reading more on p7. Think Matt Lucas and you probably don’t think ‘serious actor’. But the comedian is both thoughtful and candid in conversation with Andrew Kay this issue as he prepares to play Kenneth Halliwell, the man who lived with, loved, and eventually murdered legendary ‘60s playwright Joe Orton (p20). Currently showing at the Theatre Royal, Prick Up Your Ears (as well as being an excuse for a very cheeky anagram) is a new stage play about the pair’s dysfunctional relationship. You can find out how Lucas, who’s just gone through his own divorce, copes with the intense subject matter in our review of the production next week. Also this issue, Helen Mirren, Sam Riley and Pete Postlethwaite line-up to star in the remake of Brighton Rock in Celebcity (p9), our monthly Travel section returns with a recommendation for a Greek Island that’s still unspoilt by hoppers (p12), and you can catch up on the pick of the week’s news with Phil Mills in 7 Days Of Headlines (p10).
01273 818150 Editorial: email@example.com Advertising: firstname.lastname@example.org Managing Editor Bill Smith
Production Editor Victoria Nangle
Business Director Angi Mariani
Editor Bella Todd
Creative Director Andrew Kay
Chief Sub Editor Zara Baker
Production Director Fiona McTernan
Music Editor Jeff Hemmings
Finance Manager Sharon Caple
Sub Editors Pearl Bates Melina Greenfield Patrick O’Donnell
Art Director Stephen King Production Manager Neil Ive
Photography Tim Richardson Diana Frangi
Design Rob Burdick Anand Day Peter Knight Steve Sawyer Staff Writers Nick Aldwinckle Dani Winch
Bella Todd, Latest 7 Editor
Advertising Director Lynne Edward Advertising Executive Rachel Bryant Administration Claire Peerless
Clubs Writer Jaime Pettit Books Writer John O’Donoghue
Latest Homes Unit 1, Level 5 North New England House New England Street Brighton BN1 4GH
Latest 7 is expanding its live reviews team and we are on the look out for volunteers. Do you have a way with words, a free evening or two and a passion for theatre, music, comedy or dance? Send two 100 word samples of your reviewing style to email@example.com
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this week @ latest
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open mic jazz forum 8pm £2
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CITY SPEAK 05
Seann veryone needs friends. We need someone to console us in hard times, celebrate good times and lighten up life’s many boring patches. It’s quite selfishly designed. Nobody says, “I just need a friend to listen to.” People have to be paid to listen. They’re called counsellors. People say that you can choose your friends, but not your family. They’re wrong. We don’t choose friends; we end up with them. It’s a case of filtering out the people we struggle to get along with. Friendship, in its essence, is making do with what you can be bothered to talk to. Once a friendship is established, rules emerge. We have different friends for fun times, sombre times, afternoon coffees, evening drinks. There has to be a level of compromise about who does the talking and who does the listening. What’s interesting is how they can be categorised. The closest friends are those we can experience all things with, whether it’s highs or lows. More specifically, the closest friends are those who will tolerate us through difficult spells. Everyone’s there for the fun times. But the sad truth is that humans are too self-
Will aving last month accepted the offer of a weekend at the Edinburgh Festival, and with only two days to explore, I was understandably keen to squeeze as much culture as possible into my tiny, tellyaddled mind. Cue much nodding sagely at fish skeletons, chin in hand, then running across town to ogle a group of artists attempting to make a 4ft wide omelette. This is marvellous, I thought, as a sliced mushroom hit me in the chest. This is art. Into this whirlwind tour of cultural oddities, my posh friend H threw an unusually-feverish recommendation for a performance artist I simply must see. This advice, I should add, was based on the fact that at last year’s festival she’d had sex with him in a caravan. She hadn’t intended to, but he’d recited a soliloquy while feeling her boobs through a curtain and she’d gotten caught up in the moment. Twelve months and two pregnancy tests later, she still didn’t know if it’d been part of the performance. This year, according to his flyer, there would be no caravan. Instead, I was to text the words ‘show me’ to a mobile number and wait for a series of clues that would guide me to the artist’s location, where I would be given a private performance. So
Seann Walsh on the true meaning of friendship
“Friends are bad counsellors, hoping you’ll do a better job on them than they can be bothered to do on you”
absorbed to put up with constant neediness. If, on the first occasion I meet someone, they spend an entire evening talking about their problems, the part of my brain that feels sorry for them is dwarfed by the voice in my head that says, “We’ll never be friends.” I’m convinced, in fact, that however sympathetic people appear, they’re barely registering the complaints they’re hearing. We’ve all had those same thoughts while someone has spilled their feelings at us: “I hope he stops talking soon.” Meanwhile, we nod attentively and say, “God, that must be awful.” The reason we pay counsellors is for their ability to repress the urge to say, “You think that’s bad, I feel spiritually numb every time I look in the mirror.” Friends are bad counsellors, hoping you’ll do a better job on them than they can be bothered to do on you. No one wants their friends to have problems. We care about our friends. But there’s a sad, selfish part of all of us that tells us: “You don't want your friends to have problems because you don’t want to hear about them.”
Will Harris samples the nether reaches of the Fringe
“Twelve months and two pregnancy tests later, my friend still didn’t know if it had been part of the performance”
far so avant-garde. What form this performance would take, the flyer neglected to add. Given H’s previous experience, though, I’d possibly need an IUD. In the end I found him in a churchyard, a tall man in a yellow deerstalker with matching teeth. “Is this you?” I asked, holding up my phone to show the screen. “Yes,” said the man. “I like your phone.” “Thanks,” I said. “It’s new. “I used to have an iPhone,” said the man, “but I left it in a taxi.” I elected at this point to stay silent. Was this part of the performance? I really didn’t want to waste time on phone chit-chat when there was a chance he was going to feel my boobs. Then he took a pencil from his pocket and snapped it in half. “I am going to draw a picture of you,” the artist announced, pulling out a side of A4. This was more like it. Illustration. I sat as still as possible, turning my head slightly to the right to present my ‘best side’. Art. Proper art. “This is you,” he said, handing me the paper. On it he had drawn a triangle. Inside the triangle he had printed the word ‘rage’. I closed my eyes and thought of England. www.twitter.com/william_tells
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06 LATEST DIARY Toby Amies – photographer Laura Nixon
In it to Latest diary win it Tim Richardson ▲
Win a VIP trip to LazyTown Live: The Pirate Adventure To celebrate the brand new stage show LazyTown Live: The Pirate Adventure we are offering the chance to win a family ticket (for four people, min two children) to see the show at Theatre Royal Brighton on Wednesday 23 September at 5pm, with a VIP opportunity afterwards to meet the cast on stage. Joining in the fun will be favourite LazyTown friends Stephanie and Sportacus – and of course Robbie Rotten who, given half the chance, would have laziness ruling in LazyTown. To be in with a chance to win, just tell us: What is the name of the lazy-encourager? See below for entry details.
Win Miss Independent CD We have three copies to give away of this new compilation album, which features songs from 2009’s biggest female artists including La Roux, Florence And The Machine and, of course, Lady GaGa. To be in with a chance to win, just tell us: What was the name of Lady GaGa’s chart topping first single? See below for entry details.
Win Infestation DVD We’re also giving away three copies of the horror-comedy Infestation on DVD. This is the story of Cooper Flynn, a lazy slacker who awakens in the aftermath of a giant insect takeover of earth. Cooper embarks on a mission to find a safe haven from the enormous grotesque creatures. To be in with a chance to win a copy of this DVD, just tell us: What is the name of the slacker-turnedhero in ‘Infestation’? See below for entry details.
Hip new fashion photography magazine launches
Cool and the gang Gang Up held their very well attended launch party at the Old Music Library, Brighton on 24 August. Gang Up is a luxurious fashion photography magazine masterminded by a collective of local stylists (including Stevi Jelbart of Ophelia Fancy) and photographers (including DarkDaze). Their’s is a fresh approach devoted, they say, to elegance, style, bruises and rowdy behavior. For more information, and to find out how to purchase the first issue, visit www.gangupmagazine.com
Lee Wright James Robinson – Nine Tattoo Studio
Stevi Jelbart – Gang Up Magazine Darkdaze – Gang Up Magazine Emma Sandham-King – Gang Up Magazine
Chris Edwardes Amanda Blanch
In the frame Alex Button was announced the winner of ‘Face of Frames 2009’ at Brighton’s hippest eyewear retailer, Frames In The Lanes, on 20 August. The party to mark the Meeting House Lane boutique’s first anniversary was attended by competition finalists, customers, partners, friends and local media. The judges made their shortlist earlier in the week and were impressed with many of the entrants, some of whom came from across Sussex and London. For more information about Frames In The Lanes visit www.framesinthelanes.com.
Competition finalists and judges
For a chance to win, email:
email@example.com with the name of the Ccmpetition in the subject box and your answer to the question in the body of the email. Alternatively, write to us at the address at the front of the magazine. Don’t forget to leave your name, address and telephone number. Closing date is Monday 14 September.
Jon Axel Johan - Spruce Richard Pearson - Visit Brighton
Freya Huntley – Frames in the Lanes Mark Jenkins – Hugo Morris Fay MacDonald – Diosa Media
DEFINITELY DANI 07
Dani hate Tesco. The problem is, it is now practically impossible to avoid it. There are 11 Tesco stores, including Tesco Express, in Brighton and Hove! The furthest I would have to travel to reach one is 5.34 miles. There are also seven Starbucks within a five-mile radius of my house, and six Costas that are easy enough to reach within our city. It appears our fair little town, once known for its unique boutiques and laid-back cafés, is turning into a city of chain stores and bad coffee. There should be some law stating there can only be one Tesco per city. The sad thing is, although I love all the independent sandwich shops and coffee places, I understand that not everyone can afford to live that life.
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Dani wonders who’s king on the corporate food chain
“No matter how much we are encouraged to support local businesses, not everyone can afford to do so” We live in a prime example of the Catch 22 system that is engulfing the country. It seems the less the country can afford to spend, the more stores like Tesco pop up in every spare space available, while all the little places are struggling. I hate saying it, but that is because some of the smaller places are more expensive. Not
No matter how much I hate Tesco, I can see it serves a purpose. And it’s also true that they create employment on a much larger scale than any local bistro ever could. But this said, I don’t see why we need to have quite so many of them in one place. They strip the identity from whichever area they are put in, and make everywhere look so bland.
Reasons to smile Is anyone bored of the constant adverts and TV shows in which they try and tell us girls that any line on your face – no matter how small – is the end of the world? Really, I would rather have a face that looked like it could smile, and had smiled, than one where the skin has been pulled so tight you can’t frown. The point of having a life is to live it – and evidence of having lived a full life should not be something we are made to feel ashamed of. There is nothing wrong with ageing gracefully but there is everything wrong with wanting to look 20 forever. Because noone does.
Heather Mills asks whether Banksy is a veggie activist
was lucky enough to see the Banksy exhibition at Bristol Museum recently. I love his thought-provoking satirical images. Yes, it is possible to read many things into art, but Banksy pieces are often a direct arrow piercing the heart of an issue – cutting through the crap with a fine-tuned intuition and razor sharp wit that tells us exactly like it is. Banksy is the nation’s bulls**t detector, an artistic Zorro with a spray can creating instant impressions; memory flashes of dreams begging for interpretation in the minds of his audience. As the original cave painters documented everyday ancient life on the walls of their prehistoric dwellings, so Banksy documents the absurdity, the hypocrisy and the pain of modern life – and we love him for it! Four-hour queues from a show that had no build-up hype are testament to that. Banksy targets the most powerful industries and government in such a succinct manner that it cuts through branding, public relations and spin. High above the entrance to the museum sits a life size Ronald McDonald, sozzled on a litre bottle of whisky that rests by his side. Contemplating suicide, his make-up run, is he racked with guilt over the destruction of the Amazon rainforest? Factory farming? Perhaps it is his influence over a nation’s obesity and ill health? In another painting, a Krispy Kreme doughnut has a full police motorcycle escort. Could this be a reference to government
everyone can afford to spend £4 on a sandwich at lunch from the deli down the road when the new Tesco is selling sandwiches (which albeit I don’t think are as nice) for £1. No matter how much we’re encouraged to buy from the greengrocer and butcher and support our local businesses, the fact of the matter is that not everyone can afford to do so.
protection of unhealthy food corporations putting profit before a nation’s health? Much of his work at this exhibition documents our distance and mistreatment of the natural world, which particularly resonates with me. The consequences of this are perhaps the core reason we are facing environmental catastrophe. Unsustainable development could only have arisen from the artificial gulf separating us from the natural laws; laws which we have attempted to supercede for too long with the human vices of greed and vanity, to the detriment of animals, people and our environment. An intense period of development over the past fifty years, driven by artificially stimulated desires, has sent red line graphs of exponential growth ‘shooting up’, polluting our atmosphere, our happiness and our health. Back in Bristol, in a large room, a leopard seems to be curled up sleeping on the branch of a tree. As I walked around his cold iron cage I was deeply moved to discover that this was no leopard after all but a fur coat – a symbol, I thought, of vanity’s covetous disrespect for the beauty of our living, breathing planet. A picture tells a thousand words and unfortunately I am limited to 450 in this column when the thoughts and feelings that Banksy has stimulated could fill page after page after page.
“Banksy is an artistic Zorro with a spray can, documenting the absurdity, hypocrisy and pain of modern life”
08 ONLY JOKING!
In & Out Special symbol groups and convenience store chains edition
Brian Mitchell & Joseph Nixon’s thoroughly scurrilous Brighton column
Brighton bus names explained
Aubrey Beardsley (No. 22) Once exposed himself under the West Pier. Dame Clara Butt (No. 78B) Suggested the idea for that novelty rock that looks like bacon and eggs. Buzz Aldrin (No. 73) Purportedly flew over the area of Brighton and Hove while orbiting the earth. Gabriel Garcia Marquez (No. 47A) A minor character in the first draft of One Hundred Years of
Make your own news headline
Solitude has a maiden aunt who once visited Hove. Joseph Stalin (No. 99) Had a moustache that looked a bit like he might have been gay, maybe. Rick Moranis (No. 65) Was in Ghostbusters, a film much beloved of Brighton ironists. Porky Pig (No. 777) In the 1942 Warner Bros. cartoon ‘Drat That Rat’, our stuttering porcine hero pursues a Fifth Columnist on a rollercoaster at Coney Island, which borders New York’s Brighton Beach. McCloud (No. 69) A wordsearch in a 1974 annual for the popular detective series contained the word ‘Seaside’. Ming The Merciless (No. 54) Lord Mayor, 1972-75.
Astral Angi This week, Astral gets the look
We all love local papers for their grisly sandwich board headlines! Who could forget such evergreen classics as ‘death plunge pensioner kills toddler’ or ‘grandma poison plane crash orphan disaster’? Well now, for the first time ever, you can create your very own distressing, horrific headlines to depress everybody on their way to work. Simply cut out the following miserable, disheartening words and arrange them on the sandwich board as you wish: ORPHAN CRUSHES FRAIL OCTOGENARIAN DRUNK INFANT MURDERS MAIMS TRAGIC ELECTROCUTES BLIND DRUG ADDICT
• 7-Eleven • Happy Shopper • VG • Wavy Line • Mace
Out • Nisa • Family Choice • Alldays • Circle K • Spar
Visitors to these hallowed streets often wonder why it is that our omnibuses are emblazoned with the names of the great and the good, and what the selection criteria are. It's very simple – all the bus names are those of people who either resided at one point in the area, or have a strong local connection. We thought we’d explain what those connections are...
DEEP-FRIES MADMAN CHUCKLING DISEASED KITTEN NEWBORN DERANGED BEREAVED BABY PUPPY TRAGIC
Buy the CD Bardsley’s, country music with c-hip s-hop beats at Bardsley’s and Borders NOW!
WINNING FISH AND CHIPS 22/23/23A BAKER ST, BRIGHTON BN1 4JN
ARIES (MAR 21–APR 20)
CANCER (JUNE 22–JULY 22)
LIBRA (SEP 23–OCT 22)
Arians should be taking a look at their wardrobe right now. Summer is over so put away those embarrassing shorts and cropped tops – this is Brighton, not Newcastle.
Cancerians could also adopt a militaristic approach to fashion but might I suggest you try the espionage look – raincoat, trench style, trilby, scarf and pipe; and for the men…
Librans like to take the safe route through the byways of sartoria. And good luck to you – it leaves the way clear for the more flamboyant amongst us.
CAPRICORN (DEC 21–JAN 19). Capricorns, being willful little beasties, will of course find their own look. Can I just suggest that the year of the bin liner is long gone, puffballs are better eaten than worn, and it’s no to boleros.
TAURUS (APR 21–MAY 21)
LEO (JULY 23–AUG 22)
SCORPIO (OCT 23–NOV 21)
AQUARIUS (JAN 20–FEB 19)
Taureans should abandon their love of big bold colours this autumn and go for soft pastels and light toned neutrals. I am seeing you in taupe, yum. Trust me, I see more than the future.
Leos’ approach to fashion can be somewhat haphazard. As a consequence you need to go through your wardrobe and discard everything with sequins.
Scorpios have believed for too long that black is the new black. Well let me tell you – the new black is in fact not black but a very dark grey that, to the naked eye, appears to be black.
Aquarians have developed their own look for so long that predicting for them is a worthless task. Carry on as before by dressing as if you have ram raided a charity shop whilst drunk.
GEMINI (MAY 22–JUNE 21)
VIRGO (AUG 23–SEP 22)
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22–DEC 20)
PISCES (FEB 20–MAR 20)
Geminis should opt for a uniform look, and by uniform I mean military in style. Army, navy and airforce will all do and, at a push, Brighton and Hove Bus Company.
Virgos may well believe they look good in white – you’re fooling noone. Get out there and get something bold and bright – how else are you going to shed that virginal look and find fun?
For Sagis fashion is something that other people wear and buy. This season all sensible Sagis will be sporting bed-jackets, slippers, and Vicks Vapour Rub.
Pisceans look good in evening dress, black tie and tails. A word of warning, however – the look may be a tad too dressy for a fish supper and chip fat is hard to get out of chiffon.
AROUND TOWN 09
with Jo Brooks
Cole’s got vegan sole
Brighton Rock gets remade, Cheryl Cole is dressed (not) to kill, and an infamous Madam drops in for a drink
Gangster’s paradise BC Films are remaking the classic film Brighton Rock. The original film, based on the novel of the same name by Graham Greene, was set in Brighton in 1947 – but this new version is set in 1964 against the backdrop of Mods and Rockers. The lead role of Pinkie the villain, brilliantly played in the original by Sir Richard Attenborough, will now be undertaken by Sam Riley, who starred as Joy Division’s Ian Curtis in the film Control. His girlfriend will be played by Andrea Riseborough. Joining him is a stellar cast including Oscar-winner Dame Helen Mirren, who plays amateur detective Ida Arnold, and the star of My Left Foot, Pete Postlethwaite, who plays Brighton gangster Phil Corkery. But I guess the real star of the film is the backdrop of our city of Brighton and Hove. In the original we saw a very misty Brunswick Square, Brighton racecourse, and Brighton Pier.
The new version will be directed by Rowan Joffe, who co-wrote the film 28 Weeks Later. Filming is due to start in October, and budding actors and star spotters should look out for the ads asking for local extras.
Dame Helen Mirren
Brighton based on-line vegan shoe and bag boutique Neon Collective has a new celebrity customer – none other than Girls Aloud Geordie and X Factor judge, Cheryl Cole. The stylish fashionista has been spotted in a truly fabulous pair of vegan heels by one of the web boutique’s stocked brands – the animalfriendly label Sui. Cheryl owns the Saphire shoe, a pair of killer heels without the kill! Cheryl has carved out a name for herself as a bit of a style and trend-setter, and has voiced her views on buying ethical products – good to see you are putting your money where your mouth is Cheryl! If you want to have a gander at the full range of vegan shoes and bags hot from the catwalk then log on to www.neoncollective.com
Drinking at The Grosvenor pub (a good old traditional boozer) in Western Street on Bank Holiday Monday was ex-Madam Cynthia Payne. For those of you who are too young to remember, Cynthia caused quite a stir in the ‘70s and ‘80s running an infamous brothel in Streatham, South London. Her life has been made into not one but two films. The first was Wish You Were Here, which launched actress Emily Lloyd’s career. Emily played the young Cynthia, who was brought up in Worthing. Cynthia’s later life story was depicted by Julie Walters in the brilliant film Personal Services, which gave a full-on insight into the day-today life and struggle of being a Madam. Cheers Cynthia, glad to see you are still having a drink in Sussex, although I’m a bit perturbed to have just found out that my hubby has a signed photo of you from the ‘80s!
Spotted! Ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell, driving a blue convertible Bentley in the Sussex harbour town of Chichester.
Jo Brooks is director of Brighton-based PR company JBPR Ltd, 01273 622555, www.jb-pr.com Send celebrity spots, gossip and pictures to email@example.com
10% service will be added. Offer valid until the end of November 2009 excluding Saturday evenings and bank holidays. Only one voucher per table. Not to be used in conjunction with any other offers
10 LATEST NEWS
days of headlines with Phil Mills
The boys in blue become the boys in brown, uni-backed mum wins the crying game and a reporter strips for a story are bums on beaches and detectives sleuthing through city sewers – it can only be Brighton and Hove. Ex police officers have been hired by Southern Water to identify culprits illegally dumping nasties into sewers, and they scored a direct hit recently when one company was fined £6,000. Nice to know there are jobs out there for boys and girls in blue now that massive budget cuts have been announced by the county force. Chief Constable Martin Richards and his 5,000 team are bracing themselves for job losses in a bid to find £35 million cuts over the next five years. There were cuts galore in the wake of the Beachdown festival collapse – some businesses have been ruined and others left with fat bills to pay, including the shop that ordered six pigs for a festival BBQ but never served a sausage. Questions are still being raised including – were the backing bankers as helpful as they could have been? More on this another time. Businesses, generally are suffering thanks to the recession but it’s not all bad news. The eyes of the world have been watching the University of Brighton which helped mother-of-six-turned-inventor Lynda Harding develop Easidream, a baby’s mattress which simulates the rocking feeling of being cradled and has reduced crying time from 18 minutes to less than one minute. Lynda has been on TV, radio and appeared in newspapers and on websites in countries all over the world including China where companies, as Lynda put it, “are beating a path to my door.”
Public property Brighton and Hove City Council leader Mary Mears on Heritage Open Days ave you ever strolled past Bardsley’s fish and chip shop and wondered how the cod was fried three generations ago? Or taken in a movie at Britain’s oldest cinema, the Duke Of York’s, and imagined the films it showed during the pre-war golden era of Hollywood? Well, wonder no more as this week our city throws open the doors to its rich cultural heritage. More than 150 properties will be open to the public from 10-13 September – ranging from churches to the
BBC studios in Queen’s Road, to the sewers, local eco-homes and many, many more. This is part of the national Heritage Open Days, Britain’s biggest and most diverse celebration of architecture, history and culture, which is run by English Heritage. I had the honour of speaking at the launch event in our city, which was chosen because of its wonderful history and our commitment to this annual event. The focus here in Brighton and Hove is the ‘My House My Street’ initiative, the largest of all the events nationwide.
News hounds have been beating a path to X-Factor hopeful Daryl Markham from Seaford who opened his heart about the tragic death of his younger brother and did what few contestants have ever done – brought the judges to tears. Cynics have attacked the show for milking tragedy but most viewers were pleased he made it through to Boot Camp. There were no boots or any other items of clothing in sight when Daily Telegraph writer Iain Hollingshead stripped naked to sample the city’s nudist beach for an article. He was treading gingerly bare footed on the shingle, slightly worried by reports of “annoying perverts” in the area, when a group of rugby players strolled past with one sniggering to his mates “Let’s see if there’s any naked totty”. Iain confessed how he sprang into shy mode – and hid his modesty behind the Business Section of his paper.
It has seen home owners from the vibrant North Laine area researching the history of their street and its people. Many of the residents who took part in the project will be opening their homes, and dramatic large scale posters
Comedian Griff Rhys Jones and Nick Tyson, curator at the Regency Town House heritage organisation, at the launch of Heritage Open Days in Brighton
will be displayed on each house containing details of the properties past occupants. At this point, I want to acknowledge Nick Tyson, curator at the Regency Town House heritage organisation, for his efforts to grow and develop this scheme. It is thanks to him that so many events this year will provide free public access to some of our city's most interesting buildings – many of which are usually hidden from the public eye. They will also give residents the chance for a close encounter with many landmarks and buildings already familiar to them. The opportunity to make available places that are not often seen or accessible is a great initiative and one which we fully support. For more information visit www.heritageopendays.org.uk and see p.19 of Latest Homes
COVER FEATURE 11
Dance fever Seductive dance show Tango Fire turns up the heat at Brighton Dome irect from Buenos Aires, Argentina’s hottest dance show Tango Fire returns to Brighton Dome on Friday 25 and Saturday 26 September. This sizzling show takes to the road with 10 sensational dancers accompanied by Quatrotango – a quartet of brilliant musicians. The post-show party on Friday 25 September is free to attend for ticketholders. Follow your dancing feet and join in the action as the Concert Hall foyer becomes a downtown Buenos Aires dance hall for a one-night only after-show tango fiesta, complete with late-night bar and DJ. Leading the party is Latin dance supremo Carola Degener-Pereira. Tango Fire is an irresistible journey through the history of this most seductive of dance forms. Period duets evoke the glitter and danger of the barrios where the dance was born, and the heady nostalgia of the early dance halls where it was popularised, while the group’s modern choreography is edged with the sharpness and sophistication of contemporary Argentina. As one of the most popular dance forms world-wide, this show combines the rawness and sophistication, sexy yet sensual side of tango, in a true dance spectacular. Quatrotango provide the live music, expertly combining the nostalgic tradition of tango with a contemporary cutting edge and blending the traditional instruments of tango: bandoneón, piano, violin and double bass. The band and the dancers are accompanied by Rodrigo Flores, one of Argentina’s celebrated tango singers. Tango Fire, Brighton Dome, Friday 25 and Saturday 26 September, 7.30pm. Call the ticket office on 01273 709709 or visit www.brightondome.org
FANTASY ISLAND FANTASTIC PRICES
Ionian peace Andrew Kay relaxes on the lush and unspoilt Greek island of Lefkada oming late to Greek Island travel, Lefkada was perhaps an unusual choice for me. Not well known, it has thereby avoided the onslaught of back-packers that I was expecting and remains fairly quiet, even in high season, with only the main town of Lefkas showing the odd sign of intense commercialisation. We flew into Preveza from Gatwick on a charter, picked up a hire car – a bit of a wreck that, after a few days, had to be replaced for one with a functioning hand brake – and drove the 40 or so minutes that culminated in a causeway to the island – no ferry to negotiate. First impressions matter, and ours was good. The island is one huge range of mountains that run from north to south with few roads cutting across from side to side. Our villa, a beautifully restored farm house, was in the mountain village of Pigadisiani, a few kilometres from the slightly larger Karya. Getting to the house became our daily ordeal as the roads are a steep and narrow sequence of treacherous hairpin bends – but always worthwhile in the end. The island has some of the most spectacular beaches I have ever seen. The sea is crystal clear and warm, and there is very little organised tourism to be found at the better and more isolated locations. The prettier beaches required a great deal of climbing steep slopes and steps, so in the end we settled for an easier option where we could drive, park and amble to the sea where there was a good taverna selling great food at really cheap prices. Greek food, of course, is what it is – simple and pretty standard. Each restaurant offers much the same menu but cooked to different degrees of success. That said. I fell in love with Greek cuisine and found dishes that I will certainly make at home. It was also successful for kids – I was with three, who are difficult eaters. There are plenty of simple grilled dishes for them and, for gourmands, some great fish. In Karya, a village the size of Ringmer, there were around eight good restaurants all serving excellent food on the huge marble village square overlooking the valley below. There was also an excellent bakery where we became regulars for the sticky confections that have ruined so many Greek teeth. Culturally, there are a few sights of historic interest – a great folk museum run by an extraordinary old man and some monasteries – but not much else that we found. We were hell-bent on relaxation and that we were able to do, once out of the car and away from the ordeal of the narrow roads. Sailing is perhaps the biggest draw and, to the south, most of the coastal villages reflect that. I now cannot wait to try another Greek island, maybe next time opting for a coastal location with less driving involved. But, all in all, Lefkada proved to be a great destination with good food, charming local people and very few other tourists, even in high season. Oh, and that essential ingredient – great weather!
Lefkada Late deals from £266pp Villa holidays from £389pp Summer 2010 from £335pp Present this advert when you book any holiday with JPT and be entered into our Champagne draw
Truly Independent, Truly Unique. 4 Church Street, Brighton, BN1 1UJ Tel: 01273 608351 firstname.lastname@example.org www.johnproctortravel.com
The power principle Strengthen your core and reap the benefits of Pilates at Revitalise hether you’re a complete exercise novice, a conditioned athlete, carrying an injury, pregnant or have recently had a baby, Pilates can benefit you. Originally developed in the 1920s by physical trainer Joseph Pilates, Pilates is an exercise system focused on improving flexibility and strength for the whole body, without building bulk. This leads to an increase in muscular tone throughout your body. Pilates focuses on stabilising and strengthening the core of the body (the lower back and abdomen), and these core muscles support the body during all exercises. This principle makes Pilates extremely functional and you will discover stomach muscles you never knew you had! Breathing, correct posture and body alignment are all important in Pilates. The focus is on fewer repetitions and more precise movements using correct control and form. The Pilates method of mind-body conditioning promotes physical harmony and balance for all ages and physical conditions while providing an energising workout. Recommended by therapists and the medical profession, the Pilates method can be integrated into rehabilitation and fitness programs both during or post-injury. Pilates is best learned as a small group on a progressive course where the teacher is hands-on to ensure you are performing each exercise correctly. Revitalise offers over 20 daytime and evening small group courses a week. You begin with a six-week beginner class before progressing onto improver, intermediate and advanced courses at your own pace. Revitalise also run pregnancy Pilates courses. To get you started, book a six-week course and pay for only five weeks when you quote ref ‘the latest’. Their new sixweek Pilates course starts Monday 14 September. If you are unable to commit to a course or would like to practise Pilates between classes, Clare Brown, owner of Revitalise with 12 years’ teaching experience, has devised a range of progressive DVDs suitable for home practice. Call 07951 806044 for further details. Revitalise, 86 Church Road, Hove, BN3 7NB, 01273 738389, www.revitalise-u.com
6 week course for the price of 5 weeks, just quote ref: the latest
POWER PLATE CLASS ONLY £10 which is refunded when you book a package Power Plate machines aid weight loss, tone muscles, reduce the appearance of cellulite, and increase your overall fitness and wellbeing in as little as two 25-minute classes a week.
Revitalise, 86 Church Road (Opp. Hove Town Hall), Hove BN3 2EB 01273 738 389 email@example.com www.revitalise-u.com
HEALTH & BEAUTY 15
Treat yourself The spa experience is right on your doorstep at The Treatment Rooms he Treatment Rooms is Brighton’s only five-bubble spa, as nominated by The Good Spa Guide. If you’re looking to treat a loved one or just spoil yourself, it’s the place to go. Once you leave the busy reception, a calm evironment awaits. Step into your own private space and allow some of Brighton’s best therapists to take care of you… You’ll be invited to change into a comfortable robe and slippers prior to your body treatment. The Treatment Rooms boast 10 treatment rooms, a relaxation room and changing rooms for men and women. After your treatment, chill out in the Keralan inspired relaxation room. A popular double room offers the Romance Ritual: two hours of pampering for you and your partner, a close friend or even your mum. A head-to-toe treatment includes a facial and body massage after a relaxing foot ritual. Other treatments include Swedish massage; LaStone massage; aromatherapy; body wraps; prenatal treatments; microdermabrasion; oxygen therapy; IPL hair reduction; hot waxing; threading; manicure and pedicure and more. Specialist treatments including Restylene and Botox are performed by a registered nurse. Product ranges used in treatments and available for purchase are by Jessica for nail care; Eve Lom, Crystal Clear and Dibi for facials and skin care; Aromatherapy Associates, Refinery and Espa for facials, massage and body wraps. Look out for their monthly special offers. In September: buy two Espa products and receive a 100ml Hydrating Cleansing milk and 100ml Floral Spa Fresh FREE! Espa is a sumptuous UK brand using the purest of essential oils and herbs. The Treatment Rooms is open seven days a week, until 8pm Mondays and Fridays and 9pm Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. This urban spa is only closed Christmas, Boxing and New Years day, so even the busiest of spa goers can fit the time in to visit! The Treatment Rooms, 21 New Road, Brighton, BN1 1UF, tel: 01273 818444. Gift vouchers and products are available to buy online at www.thetreatmentrooms.com
ANDREW KAY’S FOOD & DRINK 17
Food & drink Andrew Kay is blown away by Jeremy’s at Borde Hill firstname.lastname@example.org
Chairman of the Borde A
pproach almost any Sussex foodie and mention the name Jeremy and you will see their eyes soften and their lips moisten. For those in the know, Jeremy is The Man, and if you aren’t in the know that is more than likely because Jeremy, who is more than usually at the range, is also rather modest. The restaurant is in an amazingly pretty location at Borde Hill, where the fabulous gardens attract many visitors of their own accord. We were there on a Thursday lunchtime but despite this, and the credit crunch, we were thrilled to see that business was pretty damned good. But then with food this damned good that is hardly surprising.
“I had to slow myself down to make the most of the monumental pudding” We parked and headed into the bar where Mr R had a soft drink whilst I could not resist a half of Harveys. The lunch menu is fantastic value but we were set for the a la carte. It was a real delight, full of dishes that I would have loved to try, and it proved very hard to decide. Our drinks finished, we headed to our table by a window overlooking the sloping lawns and fountain. Sadly the weather was not good enough for us to sit on the terrace. With our drinks we had been served a very nice fruit gazpacho but now we were ready for the main event. Mr R chose a robust starter of pan fried chicken livers and chorizo with a bean stew. It was hearty stuff, rustic fare that put an enviable grin on his face. I could not resist the squid and I was glad of this because it was amazing – the crisp outside giving way to tender insides, beneath a puree of smoked aubergine and, on the side, a glass of crab bisque. Yee ha – tongue-tickling stuff that looked brilliant and tested better. My beer gone, we each had a glass of chilled rosé, a sensible and delicious choice that worked well with my platter of veal. Locally sourced, and sauced, it was a plate of delights. The meats clearly came in high but I was also impressed with the delicious and genuinely seasonal vegetable accompaniments that came with it. A tiny roast squash had me pontificating on the value of tiny squash to a rather amazed Mr R, as did the courgettes and salardaise potatoes. He had ordered the nettle gnocci with candied beetroots, an unusual choice I thought. He loved it, and in particular the soft dumplings at the heart of the plate. I thought it looked lovely but was not even offered a taste. I suspect that this was because it was a dainty dish, not side splitting as his starter had been.
The next passage should come with a health warning. Yes, it’s pudding time. The first time I visited Jeremy’s I raved about dessert and I am about to do it again. Last time it was a jelly of such sublime deliciousness that I was almost speechless – almost. This time I chose a cherry and almond tart with cherry salad. God it was good. The pastry was exquisitely short, delicate and sweet, hitting the tongue in a burst of crispness that simply melted away. The layer of cherries was perfectly bitter, sweet and sharp. But the almond frangipane on top – what genius, what skill and delicacy of touch. I had to slow myself down to make the most of this monumental pudding. Across from me, Mr R was in an even more heightened state. Having seen sticky toffee pudding, he had to have it. Now my experience of this pud is mixed. Too sweet, too claggy, too dry – more often than not there is not enough sticky toffee either. His arrived in a huge soup plate, cake to centre, sauce around. If you had removed the cake it would have looked like a bowl of soup. The sauce was shiny and dark, sinister almost, and Mr R was not sure whether to eat it with a spoon or simply lower his face into the glossy glory below. I did get a taste this time and it was perfection – not for the faint hearted but worth a long drive. The pudding itself was light as a feather, the sauce complex, bitter sweet and luscious. It did leave him in a rather heightened mood, should I say, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Jeremy and his team are legendary, as is their food, and I found no fault with the entire experience. Jeremy’s Restaurant – Borde Hill, Borde Hill Gardens, Balcombe Road, Haywards Heath, West Sussex RH16 1XP. Tel 01444 441102 www.jeremysrestaurant.co.uk
HOTLIST 19 Chimney House
LIST RESTAURANTS & BARS
Restaurants American JB’s Diner JB’s Diner is a quirky and cool nod to the classic American Diner, from the ‘50s rock’n’roll and the retro dining booths to the stars ‘n’ stripes flying proud as you eat your way through their delicious USA themed menu. The burgers are generous, fresh, tasty and available in many different varieties, the Texan BBQ and ‘Across The Border’ Mexican being firm favourites. Other top sellers include the foot-long hotdogs and rack of ribs. Add a thick dairy ice-cream shake in many flavours (including Oreo!) and we have an American diner perfect for kids and adults alike, looking out onto the very British Brighton beach. 31 Kings Road, Brighton BN1 1NR, 01273 771776, www.jbsdiner.co.uk
British & modern European 9 Bar Café It’s rare to find a place serving great coffee plus exceptionally good food day and night. This laid back, stylish new venue in Hove has achieved this in spades. Well worth a visit, they do the best chips ever tasted and appear to have already acquired several celebrity residents as regulars. Expect to pay £7 for breakfast/lunch and under £20 for a three-course dinner. 9 Bar Café, 118 Church Road, Hove, 01273 721838, www.9bar.co.uk
Bardsley’s Probably Brighton’s most popular fish and chip shop and restaurant with a large loyal clientele. Traditional and family-run with all your favourites and excellent daily fish specials. Open for lunch and dinner Tuesday to Saturday, it’s also a great party venue. There are massive fish platters and seasonal seafood, plus vegetarian choices. 22–23a Baker Street, Brighton BN1 4JN, 01273 681256
Barney’s Sample the new menu – available until closing time seven days a week! Mainline draught beers/bottles and branded spirts for £1.99, plus fantastic cocktails only £2.99. With sixty seats outside, this is the perfect place to eat, meet and socialise in the sunshine. 102-106 Western Road, Brighton, BN3 1FA, 01273 720058 Barneys@home home delivery service starting soon!
With a stylish, cosy interior and excellent modern British food, this family pub offers some of the best fresh, seasonal, home-cooked food in the city at great value. A wholesome and hearty menu includes locallycaught fish and other Sussex produce. Pop in for a light lunch and glass of wine or a hearty three-course dinner. 28 Upper Hamilton Road, Seven Dials, Brighton BN1 5DF, 01273 556708 www.chimneyhousebrighton.co.uk
The Dorset A firm favourite of the North Laine, The Dorset is the best peoplewatching spot in town. This pub/restaurant boasts a friendly and lively atmosphere, with a varied menu of home-cooked delicious food including their famous eggs benedict, Moules and fresh fish. Their Bloody Marys are very popular too! 28 North Road Brighton, 01273 605423
Koba Bar and Venue Koba hosts a Credit Crunch Menu in the cocktail bar Sunday to Friday with cocktails from £2.95 and wine from £7.95 a bottle all night long. With three bars over three floors and a dedicated team of mixologists, this venue stands as a flagship of quality and has received many awards, including one of the ‘top 50 bars in the UK’. Koba, 135 Western Road, Brighton, BN3 4FF, 01273 720059
Preston Park Tavern A bright, cheerful and welcoming food pub in Fiveways offering a gastronomic experience in a relaxed atmosphere. Locals and foodies mix in this family-friendly pub. The daily changing menu, using delicious local, seasonal produce, is complemented by an impressive and good value wine list, all available by the glass or bottle, and good Sussex beers. 88 Havelock Road, Brighton, BN1 6GF, 01273 542271, www.prestonparktavern.co.uk
the restaurant at drakes Nestled inside Brighton’s finest designer hotel, the restaurant at drakes is the perfect setting for intimate dinners or private parties. Recently awarded two coveted AA Rosettes through the skills and talents of head chef Andrew MacKenzie, the restaurant offers exquisite cuisine with the highest quality seasonal ingredients. Two course menu for £28 or thee courses for £36. Five course chef’s menu £50. Private dining room available for parties of up to 12 people. the restaurant at drakes, 43–44 Marine Parade, Brighton, BN2 1PE, 01273 696934, www.drakesofbrighton.com
Chinese Gars Restaurant This old Brighton favourite offers an exciting menu with some great new ideas and a wholly different experience in terms of style and presentation. Smart service, beautiful interiors and a truly chic atmosphere make this one of
wide variety of vegetarian, vegan and gluten and wheat-free dishes. Buffet available 11am–3pm Mon–Sat, and a ‘light bites’ menu. Eastgate House, 6 Eastgate Street, Lewes, BN7 2LP, 01273 476707, www.chaulas.co.uk
The Arrogant Frog Brasserie
The Chilli Pickle
This beautiful seafront restaurant serves French and European food at affordable prices. The exciting new menu includes a full a la carte, £10 two course menu and a special blackboard changing daily. Also live music nights and happy hour cocktails – £3.50 for any cocktail between 5 and 7pm. Bring your Odeon cinema ticket receipt for a 10% discount any day of the week and enjoy Pasta and a Pint for only £6.99 on Orange Wednesdays. From 5-7pm a free bottle of house wine is available when two people dine from the £10 menu. 64 Kings Road, Brighton, BN1 1NA, 01273 721488, email@example.com
The Chilli Pickle is an Indian Bistro in the heart of The Lanes. Lunch is packed full of Indian street food plus a good selection of thalis and the ever-popular Masala Dosa. Sumptuous feasts at dinner include the national award-winning Oxtail Madras. Belgian beers, luxury loose teas and a wine list also feature. 42 Meeting House Lane, Brighton, 01273 323824 www.thechillipicklebistro.co.uk
the city’s top places to be seen. Start downstairs at the bar before rising to the upper dining room. Eat from £10. 19 Prince Albert Street, Brighton 01273 321321, www.gars.co.uk
Cocoa Patisserie Cocoa is an authentic French patisserie just down from Brighton Station. Everything is homemade on the premises each morning with the finest ingredients. They offer a wide selection of pastries, cakes, tarts, biscuits, jams, ice creams, sandwiches, quiches, toasties and salads to eat in or take away. There’re also beautiful cakes made to order for special occasions. 48 Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XB, 01273 777412
New Steine Bistro This cosy French bistro with regular art exhibitions is the perfect setting to enjoy homemade French food using local produce as much as possible. Their reasonably priced menu starts at £10.50 for two courses, £12.50 for three courses, Sunday to Thursday, and £14.50 for two courses, £16.50 for three courses on Friday and Saturday. A la carte menu available seven evenings a week. Open from 6pm. 10 & 11 New Steine, Brighton, BN2 1PB, 01273 681546/695415 www.newsteinehotel.com/ restaurant.asp
L’Église Traditional French restaurant offering classic cuisine for contemporary tastes. A la carte menu Tuesday to Sunday with daily specials. Locally sourced produce including freshly caught fish of the day, and an Anglo-French cheeseboard. Enjoy the south-facing terrace with the twocourse lunch menu, Tuesday–Saturday, 12–6pm at £9.95 or relax on a Sunday with a delicious French Sunday roast. 196 Church Road, Hove, 01273 220868 www.legliserestaurant.co.uk
Indian Chaula’s Chaula’s is renowned for its signature dishes, distinctive décor and friendly staff. All meals are made fresh to order and every curry has its own distinctively flavoured sauce. Also a
Italian Donatello Flagship venue of this local familyrun business serving excellent value Italian food in stylish surroundings. Brilliant-value meal deals on blackboards outside – two courses £6.95, three £8.95 – as well as à la carte. The haunt of celebs in season from soap stars to politicos. Fun, friendly and fabulous value. Brighton Place, Brighton BN1 1HJ, 01273 775477, www.donatello.co.uk
Fat Leo The budget branch of the Donatello stable but you’d be hard-pressed to see why. Quality family dining in the Italian mould but a little less expensive. Popular with students and young families, with trendy interiors, and a menu with the signature setprice boards proclaiming any two courses £5.95, and three at £7.95. 16–17 Market Street, Brighton BN1 1HH, 01273 325135, www.fatleo.co.uk
Thai Sabai Filled with stylish Thai furnishings, Sabai transports you to the beach bars of Samui and the restaurants of Bangkok. Browse the extensive menu of unique dishes and sample a cocktail or a bottle of wine from the comprehensive list. Thai food made with fresh, authentic ingredients – grown by the family of the restaurant’s owners. “Sanuk!” 165–169 Princes House, Princes Place North St, Brighton, 01273 773030, www.sabai.uk.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Coffee shops Spinelli Coffee Spinelli Coffee combines the best of modern Italian café culture with greattasting, high-quality specialty coffee and mouth-watering pastries and savouries, the ultimate ‘coffee experience.’ Beautiful oak sliding doors look onto a heated outdoor seating area with sea views, with free Wi-Fi. Spinelli Coffee, 24 Garnet House, College Road, Brighton, 01273 818819
To add your restaurant, bar or cafe to our latest hot list call Rachel today on 01273 818150 ex105
Dead funny Andrew Kay meets Matt Lucas and the cast and director of Prick Up Your Ears t’s 42 years since Kenneth Halliwell bludgeoned his lover to death with a claw hammer in a tiny bedsit in Islington, then took his own life. Horrific as this sounds, we may never have heard about it had his lover not been Joe Orton, the darling of the ‘60s theatre and master of the blackest comedy. Orton had met Halliwell at RADA, where the older man had become his mentor and their creative bond was born. But as Orton’s talent grew, Halliwell was left in the shadows and sank into terrible depression. It was to become Orton’s blackest comedy: their life together; and now that has become a stage play, directed by Daniel Kramer and starring Matt Lucas, Chris New and Gwen Taylor. I meet the team during rehearsals on London’s South Bank, and ask if the play script has been taken from the film of the same name. “No, this is an entirely new script by Simon Bent but based on John Lahr’s book of the same name,“ says Kramer. ‘‘We wanted to start with something new that was written for the stage, and the piece will take place in the confines of their tiny and oppressive flat.’’ ‘‘In the film,” adds Lucas, “Halliwell is portrayed as being rather dull. But we have met people who knew them and it turns out that Halliwell was very much the life and soul of the party at RADA and Orton was rather like Tigger. Lahr’s view of Halliwell is quite bleak, the book focusing on Joe’s talent and perhaps denying Ken’s input and influence. We are certainly trying to redress that. “Not that we are denying the horror of what he did – but simply trying to show what sort of terrible mental state he had been driven to.’’ How did the idea to do the play come about? Chris New responds: ‘‘I was in Bent in the West End, directed by Daniel, and Matt came along to see it. We met one day in a restaurant and Matt said that maybe we could do something together. ‘‘It took much longer than we had hoped as I was offered a part in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland,” adds Lucas. “But also, between then and now, I was going through my divorce. I’m not sure in that state of mind I could have played Halliwell – I needed to get up again before I could go back down.’’ Lucas is surprisingly frank about this, and one cannot help wondering if there are parallels between his and their lives.
Stage listings Tuesday 8 September to Monday 21 September Brighton Pavilion Theatre
Eastbourne: Devonshire Park Theatre
01273 709709 www.brightondome.org Red Sea Fish The Brighton-based Two Bins Theatre Company perform Matt Wilkinson’s dark comedy prior to a New York transfer for the Brits Off Broadway Festival. • 16–18 September, 7.45pm, £8.50/7.
01323 412000 www.eastbournetheatres.co.uk Back To The ‘80s Dance, drama and lots of ‘80s music from ‘Material Girl’ to ‘Video Killed The Radio Star’. • 15–19 September, 7.30pm plus Thurs & Sat 2.30pm, £9–£12.50.
Chichester Festival Theatre
The Capitol, Horsham
01243 781312 www.cft.org.uk Separate Tables Terence Rattigan brings his scalpel to the dining room of the Beauregard Private Hotel, exposing guilt, hatred and a floor littered with broken hearts. Philip Franks directs a cast including the ever-brilliant Gina McKee. • 10 September – 3 October, 7.30pm (No performances Sundays) plus occasional 2pm Matinees (check with venue), £10–£33.
01403 750220 www.thecapitolhorsham.com Murder On Air The Agatha Christie Theatre Company presents three radio thrillers. Two special guests join the cast every night. • 8–9 September, Tues-Wed 7.30pm & Wed 2pm, £18/16.50. Somewhere Over The Rainbow The life story of Eva Cassidy. • 17 September, 8pm & Wed 2pm, £18.50/17.50.
Gwen Taylor is playing a cover-all matriarchal role. ‘‘There were lots of strong female influences on Joe and Ken, and we have them bound into this caring neighbour who is always on hand with advice but never judgement.’’ Is she aware of the nature of their relationship and of Joe’s increasing promiscuity? ‘‘Well she is on a superficial level, but no more than that. She was certainly there after their bodies were discovered and her husband tells her that the boys are dead.’’ In that word ‘boys’ lies so much of her mothering character. In fact, so many use the word ‘boys’ when referring to gay males that it is as if they can’t imagine them ever maturing into men. Will you be doing impressions of the characters? Lucas jumps in: ‘‘No, Ken had a posh squeaky northern voice like this…[he does a trade mark funny voice]…That would be hell for a whole evening and hard to follow. We will be creating impressions, not impersonations – that is, if I ever get it right. “Much of what they experience was not discussed back in the ‘60s but is now commonplace,” he continues, “such as Ken’s declining mental health, their sexuality, and of course Joe’s celebrity. He was there at the start of the celebrity phenomenon. “There is footage of him being interviewed on TV and he is doing this posh playwright, Pinter-like voice,” laughs New. “It's very funny.’’ Since he seems relaxed, I ask if Lucas is a comedian or an actor. He smiles and then laughs – ‘‘Neither, I’m just a show off.’’ Prick Up Your Ears, Theatre Royal Brighton 8–12 September, 7.45pm every night, also Sat 2.30pm, £17.50–£30.50, tel: 08700 606650
The Gruffalo Based on the popular Julia Donaldson book. Join mouse as he sets out into the woods on a hunt for hazelnuts; meet a wheeler-dealer Fox, an eccentric old Owl, a party-mad Snake....and, of course, the Gruffalo! • 18–19 September, Fri 1.30pm & Sat 11am, 1pm & 3pm, £8.50–£12.
Nightingale Theatre 01273 702563 www.nightingaletheatre.co.uk An Evening Of Brecht/Weill Songs Adrienne Thomas and Hayward Slater attempt to recreate the ambience of the original Berlin Cabaret with dramatic renditions of these classic songs set to jazz and tango rhythms. • 8 September 7pm, £8.50/6.50. Useful Knowledge To Know French artist Chloé Déchery tests the boundary between lecture and performance with this show about communication. • 9 September 7pm, £8.50/6.50. You Fancy Yourself Maja Ardal’s poignant and funny one-woman show about growing up in ‘50s Scotland. • 10 September 7pm, £8.50/6.50.
The Picture Of Dorian Gray Chancel Productions present Wilde’s classic tale of narcissism, art and unbridaled sin. • 11-12 September 7pm, £8.50/6.50.
Theatre Royal 08700 606650 www.theambassadors.com/theatreroyal Prick Up Your Ears Matt Lucas stars in this darkly funny production about playwright Joe Orton and Kenneth Halliwell, who, back in the ‘60s, were aspiring writers and part-time lovers. • 8–12 September, 7.45pm, also Sat 2.30pm, £17.50–£30.50.
Worthing: Pavilion Theatre 01323 206206 www.worthingtheatres.co.uk Beyond The Barracade This cast of past principal performers from Les Miserables celebrate their anniversary, with a blockbusting show featuring the best musical songs of the past 10 years including The Phantom of the Opera, Chess, The Lion King, Blood Brothers, Miss Saigon and many more major hit productions. • 12 September, 7.45pm, £18-£20.
FILM | STAND-UP COMEDY 21 www.odeon.co.uk
0871 224 4007 Tuesday 8 (500) DAYS OF SUMMER (12A) 1.15, 3.40, 5.50, 8.15 ANVIL! THE STORY OF ANVIL (15) 9.10 DISTRICT 9 (15) 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.45 THE FINAL DESTINATION 3D (15) 1.45, 4.00, 6.30, 8.30 THE FINAL DESTINATION 2D (15) 2.15, 5.00, 9.30 FUNNY PEOPLE (15) 2.00, 5.15 HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE (12A) 3.15, 9.00 THE HURT LOCKER (15) 12.45 INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (18) 1.30, 4.40, 7.45 MOON (15) 7.00 THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE (12A) 12.30, 3.00, 5.30, 8.00
Wednesday 9 (500) DAYS OF SUMMER (12A) 1.15, 3.40, 5.50, 8.15 DISTRICT 9 (15) 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.45 DORIAN GRAY (15) 2.15, 4.30, 7.00, 9.30 THE FINAL DESTINATION 3D (15) 1.45, 4.00, 6.30, 8.30 FUNNY PEOPLE (15) 2.00, 5.15, 9.10 INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (18) 1.30, 4.40, 7.45 JULIE & JULIA (12A) 12.30, 3.00, 5.30, 8.00
SORORITY ROW (15) 3.15, 9.00 THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE (12A) 12.45, 6.15
Thursday 10 (500) DAYS OF SUMMER (12A) 10.45, 1.15, 3.40, 5.50, 8.15 DISTRICT 9 (15) 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.45 DORIAN GRAY (15) 2.15, 4.30, 7.00, 9.30 THE FINAL DESTINATION 3D (15) 1.45, 4.00, 6.30, 8.30 FUNNY PEOPLE (15) 2.00, 5.15, 9.10 INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (18) 1.30, 4.40, 7.45 JULIE & JULIA (12A) 12.30, 3.00, 5.30, 8.00 SORORITY ROW (15) 12.45, 3.15, 6.15, 9.00 STATE OF PLAY (12A) 10.30am THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE (12A) 12.30, 3.00, 5.30, 8.00
Films showing Fri 11–Mon 14 BAND SLAM (PG) G-FORCE 3D (PG) GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (12A) SHORTS (PG) THE TALE OF DESPEREAUX (PG) CHECK WITH CINEMA TO CONFIRM TIMES
01273 626261 Tuesday 8
BROKEN EMBRACES (15) 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 9.00 PIERROT LE FOU (RE) (15) 11.00am (Silver Screen)
CORALINE 2D (PG) 11am (Kids Club) FISH TANK (15) 4.00, 9.00 MESRINE: PUBLIC ENEMY NO 1 (15) 1.30, 6.30
Wednesday 9 BROKEN EMBRACES (15) 1.30, 4.00, 6.30, 9.30 BROKEN EMBRACES (15) 11.00am (Big Scream)
Sunday 13 FISH TANK (15) 4.00, 9.00 MESRINE: PUBLIC ENEMY NO 1 (15) 1.30, 6.30
BROKEN EMBRACES (15) 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 9.00
FISH TANK (15) 3.30, 8.30 MESRINE: PUBLIC ENEMY NO 1 (15) 1.00, 6.00
FISH TANK (15) 3.30, 8.30 HOW TO BE (85m)/TWILIGHT (121m) (15) (double bill) 11pm MESRINE: PUBLIC ENEMY NO 1 (15) 1.00, 6.00
0871 200 2000 Tuesday 8 (500) DAYS OF SUMMER (12A) 1.40, 3.55, 6.10, 8.30 BROKEN EMBRACES (12) 11.50, 6.00, 9.00 DISTRICT 9 (15) 1.30, 4.00, 6.30, 9.10 FUNNY PEOPLE (15) 11.40, 2.40, 5.40, 8.50 THE FINAL DESTINATION 3D (15) 12.10, 1.20, 2.10, 3.30, 5.30, 6.45, 7.30, 8.45, 9.30 G–FORCE 3D (PG) 4.10 ICE AGE 3: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS 2D (U) 4.00 INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (18) 1.50, 5.00, 8.20 THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE (12A) 2.30, 3.00, 5.40, 8.10
Wednesday 9 (500) DAYS OF SUMMER (12A) 1.40, 3.55, 6.10, 8.30 BROKEN EMBRACES (12) 6.00 DISTRICT 9 (15) 1.30, 4.00, 6.30, 9.10 DORIAN GRAY (15) 3.40, 8.40 FUNNY PEOPLE (15) 11.40, 2.40, 5.40, 8.50 THE FINAL DESTINATION 3D (15) 12.10, 1.20, 2.10, 3.30, 5.30, 6.45, 7.30, 8.45, 9.30 G–FORCE 3D (PG) 4.10
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (18) 1.50, 5.00, 8.20 JULIE & JULIA (15) 8.10 SORORITY ROW (15) 12.50, 6.20 THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE (12A) 2.30, 3.00, 5.40
Thursday 10 (500) DAYS OF SUMMER (12A) 1.40, 3.55, 6.10, 8.30 BROKEN EMBRACES (12) 6.00 DISTRICT 9 (15) 1.30, 4.00, 6.30, 9.10 DORIAN GRAY (15) 3.40, 8.40 FUNNY PEOPLE (15) 11.40, 2.40, 5.40, 8.50 THE FINAL DESTINATION 3D (15) 12.10, 1.20, 2.10, 3.30, 5.30, 6.45, 7.30, 8.45, 9.30 G–FORCE 3D (PG) 4.10 INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (18) 1.50, 5.00, 8.20 SORORITY ROW (15) 12.50, 6.20 THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE (12A) 2.30, 3.00, 5.40, 9.10
Films showing Friday 11–Monday 14 CHECK WITH CINEMA TO CONFIRM TIMES
A laughing matter Victoria Nangle on the major faux pas of needing to exit mid show ou know when you absolutely positively have to go? That time when trying to convince your body that it’ll forget in a bit just isn’t going to wash? Cutting to the chase – when your bladder won’t let you concentrate on anything else until you’ve paid the ransom and spent that blasted penny. It’s really horrible when you feel like that and you’re sitting in the front row of a sold out Edinburgh Festival show. Absolutely miserable. My main problem was that my time management had been so good up to this point I’d started to get blasé about the whole tessellation of shows thang. You know, when one dovetails into the other leaving you fifteen minutes journey time inbetween. I’d seen a load of shows, drank a load of water so as to not get dehydrated, and I’d met up with a relative who needed a serious conversation. It was the last show before my friend and I had scheduled a mad dash to the cab rank to scoot to the airport 45 minutes before take-off. We’d checked in online to facilitate just such a plan. And here I was, half an hour in to an hour show, jiggling like Bill and Ben before they’d had their strings cut.
“Here I was, half an hour in to an hour show, jiggling like Bill and Ben before they’d had their strings cut” I lowered my weekend suitcase to the floor as quietly as possible. I was about to get on a plane – of course I had a cumbersome suitcase! I leant forward to the venue person who, sitting in what was supposed to be the empty actual front row, was trapping me in my current predicament. “I’ve got to go to the loo!” I explained and, half tumbling over the row of seats with my suitcase, made a dash to the door with it. There I left the case as hostage to the comic, reassuring him that I did like the show really and wasn’t doing a runner. Upon my return I was rightly ridiculed at every opportunity for the rest of the show. While waiting to board at the airport – you’ll always wait no matter how early you are – I apologised to the comic concerned on Facebook, the leveller across all footlights. He apologised back, although he was perfectly within his rights. I’d broken the golden rule you learn in every primary school: always go to the toilet before the show. Don’t want to go? Are you positive? Then don’t drink that pint of beverage. Especially if you sit in the front row.
Stand-up wisdom: “A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.” Rich Hall
Comedy listings Thursday 10 Old Rope Comedy Some of the best UK comedians showcase new material, hosted by if.comedy award winner Phil Nichol and Tiffany Stevenson. Komedia, 8pm, £8.50/6.50
Saturday 12 Friday 11
Tues 8–Thurs 10
Tues 8–Thurs 10
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (18) 4.30 (Tues & Wed only), 8pm (Thurs only)
COCO BEFORE CHANEL (12A) 8.00 (except Thurs at 1.30)
Tues 8–Thurs 10
THE TIME TRAVELLER’S WIFE (12A) 2.00, 7.30
MONSTERS VS ALIENS (PG) 1015am
Women’s Centre. MC’d by Julie Jepson and also featuring James Acaster, Vicky Nangle, Eden Rivers, Lee Hume and Kerry Herbert. Latest MusicBar, 7pm, £6
Charity Chuckle With London Comic Competition winner 2008 Paul McCaffrey headlining, this is one excellent night of comedy fundraising for the Brighton
The Noise Next Door This energetic fivesome transform audience suggestions into ludicrous characters, barbed one liners and musical extravagence in the blink of an
eye, with hilarious consequences. Upstairs At Three And Ten, 8pm, £8/5 International stand-up Strap yourself in for a night of straightlaced, classic stand-up with a sprinkling of the surreal. Featuring an international lineup. Upstairs At Three And Ten, 9.30pm, £8/5
Tuesday 8 to Monday 14 September
Tuesday 8 to Monday 14 September
Tuesday 8 Average White Band + Johanna Harman White boy soul recalling the classics. Concorde 2, 7.30pm, £14 Darren Hayman And The Secondary Modern The former Hefner frontman’s latest project retains all the charm of his old band. Great live, too. Freebutt, 7.30pm, £7 Open Mic: Lucy Checkley Singer-songwriterhosted open mic night. The Fountain Head, 8pm, free Peter Broderick, Chimes And Bells Polished folk singer-songwriter in a show moved from the Freebutt. Audio, 7pm, £tbc Silverdials + The National Express + The Silence Upbeat Wedding Present-esque indie types. Prince Albert, 8pm, £tbc
Wednesday 9 Chezidek In Concert The Jamaican rastafarian performs his laid back reggae and dancehall. Concorde 2, 8pm, £15 Seany Clarke Spiky soulful pop from the Hardkandy vocalist. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £4/3 T-Model Ford North Delta blues in the vein of John Lee Hooker and the greats. The Old Market, 8pm, £12.50 They Came From The Stars I Saw Them + Restlesslist + Prince Harry Great line-up of frankly mad pseudo-cult nutters They Came From The Stars... and Brighton instrumental surf heroes Restlesslist. Oh, and Prince Harry. No, not that one. Freebutt, 7.30pm, £tbc
Saturday 12 AU + Hind Ear + Robert Stillman Experimental, orchestral psych pop from Portland, Oregon. Freebutt, 7.30pm, £7 Big Wheel’s Review Motown-style live party revue. Komedia, 9pm, £10 Soweto Gospel Choir Two-time Grammywinning African choir perform gospel, soul classics and earthy rhythms. Brighton Dome, 7.30pm, £18–£24 Vetiver Talented nu-folksters from San Francisco. Audio, 7pm, £10
65daysofstatic Pretty damned spectacular post-rock not dissimilar to the great Explosions In The Sky. Digital, 8pm, £10 Shirley + The Puritans Guitar-heavy riffery influenced by the likes of The Stone Roses and Pixies. Prince Albert, 8pm, £tbc
Ace Cafe Reunion Motorbike event with live music, loads of bikes and food. Concorde 2, 10am, free Josh Ritter Idiosyncratic Idaho singersongwriter. Hanbury Club, 8pm, £15 Porchlight Smokers Brighton-based country rockers. The Neptune, 8pm, £tbc Whalebone Polly + Rozi Plain + Hamilton Yarns Gentle folk-tinged night of music. Cella (at Sanctuary Café), 8pm, £5 Zico Chain + Rocket Dolls + Breaker Pretty decent hard-rocking, grunge-influenced London longhairs. Freebutt, 8pm, £tbc
The Burlettes Vintage-sounding Brighton girl group harking back to pop’s heyday. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £4/3 Claire Martin A Brighton Jazz Club event. Komedia, 8pm, £14/12 Dayz Of Thunder Charity fundraising event in
Breakthrough with Rough Trade: The Slytones + Lulla Violet Unsigned bands showcase featuring local acts The Slytones and Lulla Violet. Latest Music Bar, 8pm, £5/4 Whispertown 2000 Breeders supporting LA indie rockers. Freebutt, 7.30pm, £tbc Nick Aldwinckle
Average White Band
aid of Naomi House Children’s Hospice. Concorde 2, 9pm, £5 Jeremy Jay + The Stars Down To Earth + The Creaking Chair Quality, almost impossibly hip indie rock from Angel Town, California. Freebutt, 8pm, £5 Psychedelic Circus presents Ashley Slater The Freakpower frontman strikes out on his own with this fun side project. Latest Music Bar, 10pm, £8/6 Shauna Parker And The Saloon Bar Band Western swing with a strong country flavour. The Neptune, 8pm, free
Zico Chain, Sunday
Peter Broderick Quietly evocative singersongwriter who recently wooed audiences at the excellent Green Man Festival with his artfully paced and powerful Simon & Garfunkel meets Sigur Ros songs. Classically trained and a multi-instrumentalist, his recent album Home garnered rave reviews across the board. Tuesday 8 September, Audio Average White Band Hugely popular funk band of the ‘70s who were taken on by Eric Clapton’s manager in ‘73 and proceded to score a number of big hits including ‘Pick Up The Pieces’ and ‘Let’s Go Round Again’. Since then they have largely been living off those glory years, releasing countless live albums but not much in the way of new material. Still, a superb live band who could no doubt play in their sleep. Support comes from the highly regarded Jo Harman. Tuesday 8 September, Concorde 2 T-Model Ford James Lewis Carter Ford is an American blues man who began his musical career in his early ‘70s (he was born sometime around 1924, but can’t be sure!) His musical style mixes traditional Chicago and juke joint blues styles with the rawness of Delta blues
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and the rebellious attitude of ‘70s punk. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion could easily be envisaged working with this man. Check out ‘I’m Insane’ on his MySpace site for a flavour… A one-time accused murderer (only serving two years) and a self-proclaimed BAD person who always got into trouble, he’s recently been fitted with a pacemaker, so catch the genuine article while you can. Wednesday 9 September, Old Market Claire Martin This exceptional jazz singer brings her amazing voice to the Brighton Jazz Club where she’ll be performing songs from her new album A Modern Art. Mixing classic composers (such as Rodgers & Hart) with songs from the ‘songbook era’ (Donald Fagen et al) plus a sprinkling of originals, Martin is a vocalist par excellence. She’s been voted Best Vocalist a record five times at the BBC British Jazz Awards. Other performers to look out for as part of this Brighton Jazz Club’s autumn season include Zoë Rahman (18 Sept), Gilad Atzmon (2 Oct), Spike Wells (30 Oct) and Julian Nicholas and Ashley Slater (27 Nov). Friday 11 September, Komedia
MUSIC REVIEWS | CHART 23
REVIEWS A weekly review of local and national releases ollowing on from her stunning and successful album Tim’s House, Brighton’s Kate Walsh returns with her third album, Light And Dark. Once again produced by Tim Bidwell, but this time with a little more spit and polish, Walsh continues to venture into pastures other singer-songwriters can only dream of. Avoiding the nasty cliches that seem like a virulent virus upon our precious airwaves, she is able to wear her heart on her sleeve, but in a tough way, never seemingly contrived nor self-indulgent. Somehow, she manages to appeal to both men and women even though many of her songs are about men. What’s more, she’s a fiercely independent spirit with little time for the conventional music industry that is, in any case, slowly being asphyxiated by the growing army of independent artists throughout the world. The so-called ‘download diva’, Imogen Heap is a remarkable talent; composer, programmer, singer and lyricist, she’s constantly on the look-out for ways to engage her audience. This time Heap has used Twitter to get her fans to write her biography and to help create the artwork for her new album Ellipse. Very much a DIY artist, she continues to climb the ladder of popularity and critical acclaim. Brazilian outfit Os Mutantes are releasing their first album in 35 years! Haih features the brothers Sergio Dias and Arnaldo Baptista, who, back in the late ‘60s, blended English rock ’n’ roll with traditional Brazilian music to create an entirely new sound. Part of the so-called Tropicalia movement, they continue to experiment with homemade instruments, studio effects, unorthodox song structures and time signatures, thus adding their overall pop feel to overt political messages and embracing notions of libertarian expression. Very influential among like-minded provocateurs such as Tom Waits, Kurt Cobain and David Byrne, Os Mutantes have now returned with an extraordinary work. The gifted poet and rapper Dizraeli is also back in action after the demise of local band Bad Science. ‘Reach Out’ is a download only single, a beautifully crafted acoustic roots-meets-hip hop gem, not unlike some of the work of Buck 65 and G Love & Special Sauce. Featuring local talents Cate Ferris and Jeremy Livitsky, it chugs along like a freight train before breaking down at the end with plaintive harmonica. Lovely.
To listen to the chart and submit your track, go to www.thelatest.co.uk/7/music-chart
Brighton Latest Download Chart Top 10 ★ 1 Panos Christofi – I'll Never Know ★ 2 No Sharp Objects – The Wrong Kind Of Love 3 Panos Christofi – My Imagination 4 No Sharp Objects – Home 5 Jaybee – Brokeback Mountain 6 Gordon's Alive – Taxi In 5 7 North Laine – Sometimes 8 Mr resonate – Say What You Mean 9 Chaos Borne – Watching 10 David Simnel And The Pimpernels – Rhumba Familiar It’s a two-pronged battle at the top of the charts this week, as gallant dance-popster Panos Christofi’s ‘I’ll Never Know’ and ‘My Imagination’ hold ‘60s-influenced rockers No Sharp Objects back from the number one and three spots respectively. Calmly waiting at number five is chart mainstay (and multiple number one holder) Jaybee with the genredabbling, energetic dance number ‘Brokeback Mountain’. 11 David Simnel And The Pimpernels Flame Ignited 12 CAKEBOY SKYRIDER 13 Jaybee Oskar And Eli 14 David Simnel And The Pimpernels Dreamer 15 David Simnel And The Pimpernels Glycerin Tears 16 Chaos Borne I Will 17 The Mojo Fins Always Now 18 Chaos Borne The Moment 19 Chaos Borne I Will 20 David Simnel And The Pimpernels The Peccadillo Song
21 The Adam Kidd Band Into The Night 22 Rubber Johnny Fist 23 Lolatwist Pretty 24 David Simnel And The Pimpernels How To Sink A Heart 25 Rubber-Johnny Alzheimers 26 Jack The Cad Brighton 27 900 Spaces Shake it Up 28 Surrender Monkeys John Agar Was Right 29 Mr Resonate Brighton Bubblin feat. Lionheart 30 EVOH I Love Brighton
Submit your music and videos www.thelatest.co.uk/7/music-chart
SUBM YOURIT MUSIC & videos
Bar & Club listings
Bar & Club highlights
Tuesday 8 to Monday 14 September
Tuesday 8 to Monday 14 September
Tuesday 8 Audio Bright Young Things. Tight-trousered indie disco. 10pm–2am, £3/2 NUS Brighton Coalition Latin Fever. Fine salsa and Latin rhythms. 10pm–2am, free Digital Glitterati. 11pm–3am, £5/3 NUS Funky Buddha Lounge Subsplash. All star dub tracks and dub on the rising.10.30pm, £3/free New Hero This Exists. Fresh music for cool kids! 10pm, £2 Pavilion Tavern Guerilla Rocks. Indie, rock and metal.10.30pm–3am, £3/1
Wednesday 9 Audio Supercharged. Man of the mic, Dynamite MC takes to the decks to drop a massive set of hip-hop and funk. 11pm–2.30am, £5/3 NUS Digital The Poundance. A mash up of your favourite indie, R’n’B, electro, house, classics, dubstep and chart tracks.11pm–3.30am, £1 Life Club NME. A beerfest for All Stars wearing rock/indie fans with live NME bands and Brighton DJs. 10.30pm–3am, £2/1 Po Na Na Urban Chic. R’n’B, hip-hop, dance hall and funky house. 10pm, £2/free
Thursday 10 Audio Shameless presents Quids In. 11pm, £1 Funky Buddha Lounge Bang Bang. Playing the hippest hip-hop, the freshest dup step and the most banging D’n’B! 11pm–5am, £1 b4 12 Honey Club Contagious. House and dance anthems. 10.30pm–3am, £3/1 Jam Thursday Night Fish Fry. A sweat box of ‘50s rhythm and blues and original Jamaican ska. 10pm–2am, £3. New Hero Pop Kraft. Primary pop overload with the fabulous Boogaloo Stu and The Size Zero Albino. 10pm–2am, £2. Po Na Na Secret Discotheque. Return to the 80s. 10pm–3am, £3/2 Volks Black Label Promotions Present. Seriously unserious night from Borgore and Brown Noise.10pm–3am, £5
Friday 11 Brighton Coalition Censored. 11pm–4am, £6 b4 midnight. Concorde 2 Dayz Of Thunder. Charity fundraiser with local techno/house hero, Steve Mac. 9pm–4am, £5 Digital Stonelove. 101% maximum indie rock’n’roll with DJ and bands. 11pm–3am, £4 Funky Buddha Lounge Twisted Disco Love. Bringing you parties that promise to make your soul sparkle, inside and out. 11pm–6am, £5/3 Funky Fish The Funky Fish Club. Soul, funk, old skool, ‘60s and ‘70s tunes. 10pm–3am, £6/3.50 Honey Club Connected. Leading house brand, Connected, returns with rising DJ talent, Bart B More. 11pm–4am, £10/8 New Hero Somewhere In The Universe. Alternative electro dance party. 10pm, £5
Ocean Rooms Dubstep + D’n’B All Night Long! Got anything better to do this friday?! 11pm–4am, free Pavilion Tavern Kick Out The Jams. Bringing rock’n’roll mayhem. 10.30pm–3am, £5/3 Volks Megarave III. Old skool booty bass, dubstep, acid, breakcore and psytrance. 11pm, £10/8
Saturday 12 Audio Summer Of Love. The don of free parties brings house, electro and disco with guests TBA. 11pm–4am, free. Brighton Coalition Floorplay. 10.30pm–4am, £10/8. Followed by: Blow The After Party. Lose your head to underground house, electro and techno. 3am–8am, £7/4. Concorde 2 Positive Soundsystem 17th Birthday Bash. 11pm-5am, £8 Digital DPM Presents... Playing his only UK gig on his 2009 tour, pioneer of the warped groove, Mr Thomas Schumacher! 11pm–4am, £tbc Engine Rooms Punk Rock Karaoke. 10pm–3am, £2. Funky Buddha Lounge Buddha Soul. With Juice Fm’s Mike Panteli. 10pm–3am, £10 Honey Club Sevensins. Big room electro, trance and house. 10.30pm–5am, £12/5 NUS. Jam EBoogie. E-lectronic Pop. 9pm–2am, free Komedia Brighton Rock. The South’s biggest and most infamous rock night smashes out the best classic rock and metal. 11pm, £6. La Tropicale Houseworks. Quality house music from across the world. 8pm–4am, £6/free b4 11 Life (Previously Arc) Hold Up. Unpretentious Indie night. 11pm–4am, £5 New Hero It is Still 1985. Alternative 80s night full of adventurous tunes! 10pm, £3 Ocean Rooms Tonk Proudly Presents Presence Recordings 2nd Birthday Bash. The biggest and boldess, bad ass party on the calendar. 10pm–8am, £10/6. Po Na Na Silk. R’n’B, funky house, commercial. 10pm–3am, £10/5 The Hanbury Club We Luv Lady Pop. Celebrating femme pop from new kids, Lady GaGa, Little Boots and La Roux to old school queens, Madge and Kylie! 7pm–2am, £6/8
with Jaime Pettit Shameless Presents Quids In Still going strong as the midweek mash-up and the original door tax raffle night, so well worth another mention! It’s a musical car crash of genres and decades, every single track a sure-fire classic – you’ll be humming the night’s soundtrack for days. Whether you’re screaming along to an anthem or getting down with the sweaty freaks in the strobe, sanity will be lost and all seriousness obliterated. Thursday 10 September, Audio Floorplay This month Brighton’s workaholic DJ and production duo welcome Funkerman, hot from his sizzling Ibiza summer residency. Expect the usual hedonistic cocktail of filthy tech and dancefloor classics with just a twist of electrohouse from Prok and Fitch. Plus sharp, groovy and impeccably sexy, hypnotic, devilish and downright catchy bangers from Funkerman. Saturday 12 September, Coalition
Positive Soundsystem 17th Birthday Bash Emerging from the illegal party scene many moons ago, The Positive Soundsystem now celebrates 17 years of service to the ravers – including having hosted Brighton’s biggest warehouse rave, dousing sweaty beat lovers with their trademark tech-house and breakbeat sound. Now they are back in the big bad city with resident DJs unleashing speakerbothering classics from the Positive party stash. Get involved! Saturday 12 September, Concorde 2 We Luv Lady Pop Who would dare load up a room with the biggest pop divas, purring chart-tastic kittens and warbling queens of the music catwalk? We Luv Pop are here with an all femme edition, whipping up a decadent blend of all your favourite lipstick crooners. ‘It’s been done before,‘ you cry?! Yes, but with such a killer line-up of stunning new young talent, it must be done again! Expect the likes of La Roux, Little Boots, Lady GaGa and Ladyhawke mixed in with vintage queens Kylie and Madonna. Little black dresses and dazzling eyeshadow at the ready. Saturday 12 September, The Hanbury Club
Sunday 13 Life (Previously Arc) Maxxi Soundsystem. Full on party soundsystem. 6pm, free. The Open House We Change the Frequency Global tunes from across the genres. 8pm, free
Monday 14 Brighton Coalition Trash Mondays. 10.30pm–3am, £3/free Honey Club Disco Babe.10.30pm–2.30am, £3/1 Jam Sessions. D’n’B, dub step, electro and house. 10pm–2am, £tbc Jaime Pettit
GAY LISTINGS 25
Gay listings Tuesday 8 to Monday 14 September Tuesday 8 Brighton Tavern Games Galore. 12pm, free Charles Street Bar Two’s Company. Cabaret from Maisie Trollette and Miss Jason. 9pm, free Legends Relax – It’s Tuesday. Friendly bar with smoking/sun terrace. Bar open 11am–5am, free Marlborough Bar and Theatre Drag King Night. Relax with a handsome king. 8pm, free Queen’s Arms Skint. Unlimited drinks for a tenner! Plus DJ and karaoke. 12pm–3am, free Revenge Sound as a Pound. ’80s, ’90s, ’00s, electro, pop, dance and cheese. 10.30pm, £1 The Basement Scene Queen. DJ Li’l Alex spins the soundtrack. All welcome! 11pm–4am, free
Wednesday 9 Amsterdam Student Karaoke. 8pm, free Brighton Tavern Wednesday's Wine Club. 12pm, free Latest Music Bar Gay Tango. 7–8pm absolute beginners, 8–9.30pm improvers, 9.30–11pm practical/social dancing. From 7pm, £10 Legends Gabbi’s Fun and Frolicks. Gabbi’s madcap party night from 9pm.11am–5am, free Marlborough Bar and Theatre In-house Darts League. Nightly and annual prizes. 8pm, £3 Queen’s Arms Anything Goes! Karaoke, bingo, a music quiz and more with DJ Kamp Kevin. 12pm–1am, free R-Bar The Midweek Shuffle. Brighton’s hottest new DJ, Zack Hadley rocks R-Bar with cheesy pop, chart, ‘90s dance and club. 12pm. The Basement Gabbi’s Dirty Handbag. Dirty handbag and house tunes. 11pm–4am, free
Thursday 10 Charles Street Bar & Club Mad Cow XXL – My Cow is on Fire. DJs Li’l Alex and LeeRoy spinning funky house across two floors 8pm–3am, £1 Marlborough Bar and Theatre Open Mic Night. Hosted by Lucy Checkley. 9pm, free Queen’s Arms See Tues. 12pm–3am, free R-Bar Pre-Girls on Top Party. Verity sets the mood from 9.30pm. Bar open 12pm–2am, free Revenge Girls on Top. Trashy chart hits and pop remixes.10.30pm–4am, free b4 11.30pm with passes, £4/5 after The Basement DLite. Regular guest DJs lay down commercial house tracks for your dancing pleasure. 11pm–4am, free
Friday 11 Charles Street Bar Fairylea. Classic cheese, trash and oldies. Bar open 11am, free Charles Street Club Curiosity Lite. Trashy disco pop. 10.30pm–3am, £5/3 Doctor Brightons Flauncy Friday. Filthy funky dance and house. 9.30pm–2am, free Ghetto Popstarz. Indie. 10pm, free b4 11pm Legends Pre-Celebration. Pure pop sounds. 7pm, free Marlborough Bar & Theatre Girl’s Night. Two floors of mayhem with guest DJs.8pm, free Queen’s Arms Camp Attack. Definitive handbag, commercial and camp tunes with DJ. 9pm Queen's Arms The Office Party. Leave the office blues behind and grab your colleagues for cheap as chips drinks and party tunes. 5pm–8pm, free R-Bar Tops & Bottoms. DJ Smiffy brings Girls on Top tunes to R-Bar. Open 12pm–7am, free Revenge Lollipop vs Altitude.Top pop tunes. 10.30pm–5am, free b4 11pm, £5/3 after The Basement Celebration with Dolly Rocket. Girly pop and handbag. 11pm–4am, free The Zone Betty Swollocks. Brighton's queen of spoonerisms plays host to the Zone tonight... 9.30pm, free
Saturday 12 Amsterdam Sun Downers + Late Night Bar. The best beach house music in town. 8pm–5am, free Charles Street Club Mardi Gras. HRH Queen Josephine and Lil Alex. 11pm–3am, £5/3.
Ghetto Wigout. A kitschy, cool night for the seriously unserious. 10pm, free b4 11pm Legends Pre-Ignition. DJs from 7pm plus bar and terrace open all day. 7pm, free Marlborough Bar and Theatre Queen Jo at the Marly offers fab funky house. 9pm, free Queen’s Arms Tammy Twinkle + Kamp Kevin’s Birthday. Vocalists, comedians and drag (3.30pm–5.30pm). Then party with Kamp Kevin ‘til midnight! Bar open 12pm, free R-Bar Kinky Classics. A pre-clubbing crowd get ready for Kinky Dangerous from 9pm with Dulcie Danger. Bar Open 12pm–7am, free Revenge Kinky Dangerous. Two top DJs, two floors of funky house, electro and pop equals 5.5 hours of frolics.10.30pm–6am, £7/3 The Basement Ignition. With the funky house and chart remix sounds of DJ Peter Castle. 11pm–4am, free The PV at The Jury’s Out Booty Call Back To School Special! Ties, pigtails & ankle socks! Music supplied by the brilliant Charity Shop Girls! 12pm, free The Zone The Zone Presents... Sally Vate. Made to make your mouth water! 9pm, free
Sunday 13 Amsterdam Sunday Lunch and Connie’s Karaoke. Karaoke from 8pm. 12pm–1am, free Charles Street Bar Showtime. 7.15pm, free Audio Sunday Sundae. Brighton’s fave alfresco flirt fest! Playing plenty of disco tinged classic dance and funky vocal electro filth with Kate Wildblood and co. 6pm, £5/3 Ghetto EuroTrash. Anything goes at this crazy art-pop-cabaret shenanigan! 10pm, free Marlborough Bar & Theatre Sunday Quiz. With Drag King, Jack Roquard. 7pm, £1 entry Queen’s Arms Cabaret: Kevin Cruise + Betty’s Karaoke. (5.30pm). 12pm, free R-Bar Sublime Sundays and Barmy Bingo. 12pm–2am, free Revenge Rainbow Beats. Funky house beats with a Spanish twist. 10.30pm–4am, £tbc. The Basement Fever. Disco and pop remixes. 11pm–4am, free
Monday 14 Amsterdam Funky Mondays. Dine Al Fresco on the sea view terrace or chill out in the bar, perfect for these summer days. 12pm, free Charles Street Club Studio 150. DJs Luke and Ali spin all the best party tracks spanning the last 4 decades with drinks promos. 10pm–2am, £1.50 Legends Dave Lynn and Friends. Hysterical night of cabaret from 9.30pm. 11am–5am, free Marlborough Bar and Theatre Trans Night. Hosted with the Clare Project. 8.30pm, free Queen’s Arms Skint + Karaoke. 12pm–1am, free The Basement Chic. Decades of disco. 11pm–4am, free
26 EVENTS | ART
Royal Pavilion Banquet There’s a rare opportunity to sample a royal feast in the Royal Pavilion this week when the former palace plays host to an exclusive banquet and music evening. The event begins with a flute and harp recital from Andrew Ballantyne and Neil Carter in the Music Room. Guests will then move to the Great Banqueting hall for a banquet fit for a King. Royal Pavilion Banquet and Flute and Harp recital, The Royal Pavilion, Brighton, Saturday 12 September, Doors 6.30pm, Concert 7pm–8pm, Dinner 8pm–11pm, £85 per person (concert and dinner), £15 per person (concert only), £750 for a table of 10. Numbers for the meal are strictly limited. To book in advance call 03000 290902
The day begins with a classic wartime songs performance from the Seaford Silver band. There will also be a jive display from Studio Tempo, who will be offering dance lessons on the day, and a performance from the Swingtime Sweethearts, who appeared in 2008’s Britain’s Got Talent. The museum has many wartime displays, so you will have a chance to learn more about life in this challenging period of our history. The Fort will also be hosting the annual Woman’s Land Army reunion for Second World War survivors in the South. With the adventure playground and Searchlight cafe both open as usual, there will be plenty to keep visitors of all ages entertained. Battle of Britain commemoration day, Newhaven Fort, Newhaven, Sunday 13 September, 10.30am, Adults £5.85, Concessions £4.70 and children £3.80, call 01273 517622 or visit www.newhavenfort.org.uk
Newhaven Fort marks its annual Battle of Britain commemoration day with a day of 1940s nostalgia and rememberance this weekend.
Events listings Late Summer Wildlife Walk If you’re feeling active, why not drop in and lend a hand building benches, clearing paths, clearing sycamores and glade areas in the Withdean Copse? Wear suitable clothing and footwear for working in the countryside.
Withdean Woods Work Day, Meet North Steps, Eldred Avenue Copse, Withdean, 10.30am–1pm, email ahead at email@example.com or visit www.tweack.org.uk
Monday 14 Local History Walk Join local historian Geoff Mead for a late
Exhibition explores our relationship with buildings and architecture Louise Bristow makes stage-set like gouache paintings, Peter Bobby takes luminous architectural photographs and Rosalind Davies uses collage and painting to depict overlooked pockets of the urban landscape. All three are showing as part of Floor Plan, a new exhibition exploring architecture and our interactions with it. Elsewhere, Rich White uses found materials for a piece inspired by the unique history of Wellesley House, the building now occupied by the gallery. Floor Plan, Phoenix Gallery, 10–14 Waterloo Place, Brighton, until 11 October, Wed–Sun 11am–5pm, free
Battle of Britain
summer evening stroll discovering the history behind places of interest in Patcham. Summer in the City local history walk, Meet Patcham Library, 6pm–7.30pm, £2, to book call 01273 296912 or 01273 294071, advance tickets can be purchased from the Patcham and Jubilee Libraries.
Church Lane, Ditchling 01273 844744 Drawn From Ditchling: Portraits From A Sussex Village Paintings and drawings, caricatures and photographs, word and film – all celebrating the artists who have lived in Ditchling as well as its portrayal by local people. • Until Dec 2009, Tues–Sat 10.30am–5pm, Sun 2–5pm
26 Montagu Place, Brighton 07990 511576 Steve Gullick Maverick phographer who has recorded the likes of Nirvana, Nick cave and The Prodigy. •Until 29 Sept, Fri–Sun, 11am–6pm
Permanent Gallery 20 Bedford Place, Brighton Works For Turntable An exhibition of amplified kinetic sculptures for used record
players by Stephen Cornford. • Until 20 Sept, Thurs–Sun 1–6pm (Sat 11am–6pm)
De La Warr Pavilion Bexhill-on-Sea 014424 229111 Beuys Is Here: Sculpture Object Action Revolution Sculpture by Joseph Beuys. •Until 27 Sept 29, Mon–Fri 10am–5pm
tuesday 8 Cowboy Customers ITV1, 10.35pm Small businesses are feeling the squeeze at the moment – hardly news. What makes it worse is when customers take advantage of that and refuse to pay up. With £38 billion owed to small British businesses it’s no wonder builder Nigel Gray took a sledgehammer to the new conservatory his customer refused to pay for. Ow.
Film 2009 With Jonathan Ross BBC1, 11.35pm Jonathan gets down to the nitty gritty of his passion – films. Meryl Streep and Amy Adams talk about their culinary comedy drama Julie And Julia, and the show asks why there are so few films for grown ups. Plus, there’s a look at two very different Brit flicks – Dorian Gray and the gritty Fish Tank.
Ugly Betty E4, 9pm The comedy drama that reassures us all that unglamorous does not mean undervalued continues. The everquirkily attired Betty finds it’s home that’s driving her batty this week as in the middle of a family crisis she’s unexpectedly at odds with Hilda. Of course Mode has its usual skullduggery too…
Sky Sports 1
6.00am Breakfast 9.15 The Week We Went To War 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 Cowboy Trap 11.45 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 The Weakest Link 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Kerwhizz 3.25 Bear Behaving Badly 3.50 OOglies 4.05 Roar 4.35 Beat The Boss 5.00 Newsround 5.15 Land Girls
6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Trapped 8.30 LazyTown Extra 8.40 Postman Pat: SDS 9.00 Timmy Time 9.10 Chuggington 9.25 Numberjacks 9.40 Tweenies 10.00 Ethelbert The Tiger 10.05 Grandpa In My Pocket 10.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.00 FILM: The Sky’s The Limit (1943) 12.30pm Working Lunch 1.00 Animal Park 1.30 Living In The Sun 2.15 House Swap 3.00 Monk 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 Pointless 5.15 The Hairy Bikers’ Food Tour Of Britain
6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 11.25 ITV News And Weather 11.30 This Morning 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 60 Minute Makeover 3.00 Dickinson’s Real Deal 4.00 Rosemary And Thyme 5.00 Britain’s Best Dish
6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Cain is furious when he learns the truth about Michael. Not known for being eventempered at the best of times. 7.30 Grimefighters Series following the daily lives of Britain’s clean up teams, including pest controllers, restaurant inspectors and litter pickers. Still want that dinner? 8.00 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Celebrity First in the hotseat are Heather Small and Mark Foster, representing Barnardo’s and the Anaphylaxis Campaign. Next up are Steve Rider, playing for Scope, and Andy Townsend, who is supporting the George Coller Memorial Fund. 9.00 The Fixer Conclusion of a twopart story. The team are determined to put a stop to the global child trafficking network they have uncovered. Quite right too! 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 Cowboy Customers See highlights. 11.35 In Plain Sight Drama series about a Deputy US Marshal working on a secretive federal witness protection programme. Cool. 12.30am Nightwatch With Steve Scott 1.20 Guinness Premiership Rugby 2.15 Loose Women 3.05 The Jeremy Kyle Show 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 News
6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Fifi And The Flowertots 8.12 Milkshake! Show Songs 8.15 Peppa Pig 8.25 Thomas & Friends 8.40 The WotWots 8.50 Hana’s Helpline 9.03 Little Lodgers 9.05 Roobarb And Custard Too 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Property List 12.40pm Five News 12.50 Game Ranger Diaries 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Rough Guide To Cities 3.05 The Family Recipe 3.15 FILM: Our House (2006) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours 6.00 Home And Away Charlie is unable to tell Morag and Ross about her relationship with Angelo. Lips stuck with super glue, y’see. 6.30 Among The Apes Natural history series. 7.30 Monkey Life Series following the residents of Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre. 8.00 Big, Bigger, Biggest The technological leaps that have allowed the construction of the world’s largest hydroelectric dam – the Three Gorges Dam in China. Sounds like a Western. 9.00 CSI: Miami Crime drama. The CSIs investigate the murder of an influential reverend in a crime-ridden area. With the neighbourhood about to be taken over by a violent street gang, can the team find the killer before it is too late? 10.00 CSI: NY Crime drama series. The discovery of a woman’s body leads the detectives to a bizarre party, a strange fruit and a jealous businesswoman. 11.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Drama series. A killer leaves a series of clues along the I-15 interstate, and Grissom and Catherine must piece them together before the next victim dies. 12.00am The Guardian 1.00 PGA Tour Golf 1.55 Golf – Seniors Tour 2.45 IndyCar 3.35 ITU Triathlon 4.25 Cricket On Five 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away
6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans (x3) 9.00 Netbusters 9.30 Elite League Speedway 11.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 12.30pm Netbusters 1.00 US Open Tennis 4.00 LIVE US Open Tennis 10.00 On The Line 10.30 Race World 11.30 Football Asia 12.00am LIVE US Open Tennis 4.00 Modern Pentathlon 5.00 On The Line 5.30 Football Asia
6.00 Eggheads Quiz show. 6.30 Trust Me I’m A Dealer Samantha and Chris Gee from Somerset are hoping Paul will be able to raise some money to make life better for their daughter, Pippa, who has Down’s syndrome. No pressure not to lose the life savings then. Magic beans anyone? 7.00 Who Do You Think You Are? Patsy Kensit’s late father was a villain, deeply involved with London’s most notorious gangsters of the 1960s. Is it wise to delve too deeply? 8.00 Coast The team travel from Berwick-upon-Tweed to Aberdeen. 9.00 The Choir: Unsung Town Having created a choir in the Hertfordshire housing estate of South Oxhey, choirmaster Gareth Malone sets out to take it places. Just three months after they began, he arranges a public performance. Cor! 10.00 Mercury Prize 2009 Who will scoop this year’s Mercury Prize for album of the year? Lauren Laverne presents a packed half hour from the Grosvenor House Hotel. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Last Chance To See Stephen Fry and zoologist Mark Carwardine head in search of animals on the edge of extinction. 12.20am BBC News ***Alternative Schedule:*** 7.00 – 9.00 Rugby League: Challenge Cup Final
6.00am The Treacle People 6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Frasier 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Year Dot 10.05 Tricky Business 10.35 Get Me The Producer 11.25 Designers Under Pressure 11.35 Teen Tycoons 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 A Place By The Sea 1.25 FILM: Jungle Book (1942) 3.25 Countdown 4.10 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 5.30 Come Dine With Me 6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Hayley and Josh cannot ignore the sparks between them and share an illicit kiss, but Cheryl walks in on them and sees everything. No privacy in Hollyoaks. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder 8.00 River Cottage: Gone Fishing With diminishing stocks out at sea, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall attempts to discover alternative sources and encourage the nation’s fishmongers to adopt them. In a barrel? 9.00 Jamie’s American Road Trip Jamie Oliver embarks upon the culinary journey of a lifetime as he travels to the heart of America. Jamie wants to see if cowboys still exist and so heads to a rodeo. 10.00 The Big Food Fight Food quiz hosted by Sue Perkins in which team captain Hugh Fearnley-Wittingstall is challenged to defend his cooking credentials by a different rival each week. Make it a 70s Artcic roll-off. 10.35 The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Reality series. 11.35 Coming Up: Pornography 12.05am The Kevin Bishop Show 12.35 Full Tilt Poker Late Night 1.35 FIA GT Championship 2.00 MSA Formula Ford Championship 2.30 The McCain Track And Field Show 3.00 Gillette World Sport 3.30 Freesports On 4 4.00 Number Crew (x10) 5.40 Making It (x4)
6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 EastEnders Roxy is left out in the cold as the Mitchells close ranks to protect Sam, but will their lawyer bring good news? Plus, Whitney urges Bianca to fight for her man. Does Bianca do it any other way? 8.00 Holby City Ric promises Donna he will do everything he can to save Maria’s life, while Oliver is tested to the full when Maria’s hit-and-run driver is admitted to AAU. Just because she looks Pre-Raphaelite is no reason to give her a tragic death! 9.00 Lost Land Of The Volcano Documentary series. A team of scientists and filmmakers explores the jungle wilderness of New Guinea. The team is based at the foot of Mount Bosavi. Stunning. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 The World’s Strictest Parents Ten unruly British teenagers are sent to live with strict families in five different countries, kicking off in Alabama. Cue the banjoes! 11.35 Film 2009 With Jonathan Ross See highlights. 12.05am FILM: K2 (1991) 1.50 Weatherview 1.55 Sign Zone: See Hear 2.25 Rivers With Griff Rhys Jones 3.25 Neighbourhood Watched 4.05 The Hairy Bikers’ Food Tour Of Britain 4.50 BBC News
Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Ocean Adventures 7.00 WWE Afterburn 8.00 Spruce Meadows 9.00 Ocean Adventures 9.30 Wild Spirits 10.00 Poker 11.30 Wild Spirits 12.00pm Cliffhanger 1.00 Elite League Speedway 3.00 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 4.00 Netbusters 4.30 WWE Smackdown 6.30 On The Line 7.00 LIVE: International Football 10.00 Poker Million 12.00am International Football 1.30 Hyundai A League 2.00 Trans World Sport 3.00 International Football 4.30 Close
Sky Sports 3 8.00am Cliffhanger 9.00 Bowls 11.00 Aerobics: Oz Style 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Ocean Adventures 12.30 Poker 2.00 Ocean Adventures 2.30 Bowls 4.30 LIVE Cricket: Pro40 League 10.00 Sports Unlimited 11.00 Modern Pentathlon 12.00am Bowls 2.00 Mountain Bike World 2.30 Close
1.00pm Don’t Forget The Lyrics 2.00 Bones 3.00 Lie To Me 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 Oops TV (x2) 5.30 Futurama 6.00 Malcolm In The Middle 6.30 Futurama 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 A Town Called Eureka 9.00 House 10.00 Justin Lee Collins: Ballroom Dancer 11.00 Law And Order 12.00am Cold Case
7.00pm Top Gear 8.00 Virgin Cooks 9.00 Don’t Tell The Bride 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Underage And Pregnant 11.00 Family Guy (x2)11.45 Don’t Tell The Bride 12.45am Tough Guy Or Chicken? 1.45 Underage And Pregnant 2.15 Virgin Cooks 3.15 Make My Body Younger 4.15 Tough Guy Or Chicken? 5.30 Close
7.00pm World News Today 7.30 Tales From The Green Valley 8.00 History Of Scotland 9.00 Tweed Yarns 10.00 No Holds Bard 11.00 Rab C Nesbitt 11.30 Early Doors 12.00am Scotland’s Music With Phil Cunningham 1.00 Pop Britannia 2.00 No Holds Bard 3.00 Tweed Yarns 5.30 Close
12.00pm Coronation Street (x2) 1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.45 The Ricki Lake Show (x2) 5.15 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.00 Judge Judy (x2) 7.00 Primeval 8.00 What Katie Did Next 9.00 FILM: Waterworld (1995) 11.40 FILM: Troy (2004) 2.45am Emmerdale 3.05 Teleshopping
1.50pm Upstairs, Downstairs 2.55 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 4.00 Daily Cooks Challenge 5.00 Drama Trails 5.15 Home To Roost 5.50 Heartbeat 6.50 Pie In The Sky 7.55 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 9.00 Super Sleuths: Poirot 10.00 Agatha Christie’s Poirot (x3) 2.50am Film File 3.00 Teleshopping
4.00pm The Hills 4.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 How I Met Your Mother 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 Ugly Betty. See highlights. 10.00 Running In Heels 11.00 RuPaul’s Drag Race 12.00am Rick And Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple In All The World
2.30pm Coach Trip 3.00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4.00 How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 Jail Date 9.00 Location, Location, Location 10.00 True Stories: Nursery University 12.05am Location, Location, Location
11.00am The Bigamist (1953) 12.40pm The Raid (1954) 2.15 Julia (1977) 4.30 The Last Command (1955) 6.40 Elizabethtown (2005) 9.00 AVP: Alien Vs Predator (2004) 10.45 City Of God (2002) 1.10am Little Norse Prince (1968)
wednesday 9 Nigel Slater’s Simple Suppers BBC1, 7.30pm Who needs grand dinner parties with snipey guests? Leave Come Dine With Me’s bitchiness behind and let Nige guide you through a week’s worth of simple yet delicious dishes. He also visits allotments – very down to earth – and makes something yummy from their offerings.
Derren Brown: The Event Live Channel 4, 10.35pm Quite what the ‘event’ in question is going to be is still unclear. But it will be the first in a series of special happenings organised by illusionist Derren Brown and performed live on air. Apparently these are his most ambitious challenges to date, so expect some pretty impressive stuff.
Vanity Fair ITV2, 7pm Opulent, star-studded version of William Thackery’s classic starring Reece Witherspoon as ruthless social-climber Becky Sharp in early 19th century England. If it really looked this fab, the Industrial Revolution would have a lot to answer for in spoiling aesthetics. Wonderfully decadent.
Sky Sports 1
6.00am Breakfast 9.15 The Week We Went To War 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 Cowboy Trap 11.45 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 The Weakest Link 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Kerwhizz 3.25 Bear Behaving Badly 3.50 OOglies 4.05 Wait For It..! 4.35 Animals At Work 5.00 Newsround 5.15 Land Girls
6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Trapped 8.30 LazyTown Extra 8.40 Postman Pat: SDS 9.00 Timmy Time 9.10 Chuggington 9.25 Numberjacks 9.40 Tweenies 10.00 Ethelbert The Tiger 10.05 Grandpa In My Pocket 10.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.05 FILM: My Favorite Brunette (1947) 12.30pm Working Lunch 1.00 See Hear 1.30 Living In The Sun 2.15 House Swap 3.00 Monk 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 Pointless 5.15 The Hairy Bikers’ Food Tour Of Britain
6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 11.25 ITV News And Weather 11.30 This Morning 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 60 Minute Makeover 3.00 Dickinson’s Real Deal 4.00 Rosemary And Thyme 5.00 Britain’s Best Dish
6.00 Eggheads Quiz show. 6.30 Trust Me I’m A Dealer Sam Baldwin and Emma Bateman from Wiltshire are hoping Paul will be able to raise some much needed funds for their wedding. Put it all on black, or buy this tasteful carriage clock. Hmm. 7.00 1929: The Great Crash A documentary exploring the causes of the 1929 Wall Street Crash. Over six terrifying, desperate days in October 1929, shares crashed by a third on the New York Stock Exchange. And we thought we had it bad. 8.00 Economy Gastronomy Top chefs Allegra McEvedy and Paul Merrett demonstrate ways to slash food bills and improve diets. 9.00 The Last Days Of Lehman Brothers Drama going behind closed doors to tell the story of three days that shook the world. On 12 September 2008 the heads of Wall Street’s three biggest investment banks are summoned to a late afternoon meeting by the US Treasury Secretary to discuss the plight of the fourth – Lehman Brothers. 10.00 Shooting Stars Hit comedy panel show. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Wire Season five of the acclaimed Baltimore police drama. Freamon’s vigilance pays off. 12.20am Dragons’ Den: On Tour 1.20 BBC News 3.00 Sport’s Unsung Heroes
6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Debbie must make a decision about Michael. Jimmy warns Carl not to interfere in matters between Chas and Paddy. Faye senses Mark’s jealousy. It’ll be the green tinge. 7.30 World Cup Qualifier: England V Croatia Seven wins in seven games have put England on the verge on qualifying for next year’s World Cup and three points against Croatia will clinch their summer booking in South Africa. It was Croatia who stopped England’s progess to the Euros two years ago, and Slaven Bilic’s team will be out for revenge after Theo Walcott’s goals inspired England to a 4-1 victory in Zagreb last year, ending a 14-year unbeaten record at home. Steve Rider presents the action from Wembley, with commentary by Clive Tyldesley and Jim Beglin. 10.10 The Late News; Weather 10.45 World Cup Qualifier Highlights What d’you mean you missed it?!! 11.45 Nightwatch With Steve Scott: Action Stations 12.45am Nightwatch With Steve Scott 1.35 Loose Women 2.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.20 Gran Scammers Exposed: Tonight 3.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Fifi And The Flowertots 8.13 The Milky And Shake Show 8.15 Peppa Pig 8.25 Thomas & Friends 8.40 The WotWots 8.50 Hana’s Helpline 9.03 Little Lodgers 9.05 Roobarb And Custard Too 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Property List 12.40pm Five News 12.50 Game Ranger Diaries 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Rough Guide To Eco Escapes 3.05 The Family Recipe 3.15 FILM: Suburban Madness (2004) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours 6.00 Home And Away Rachel struggles with the pressure of motherhood. Martha defends her relationship with Hugo. 6.30 Among The Apes Renowned primatologist Charlotte Uhlenbroek travels the world on a quest that brings her face to face with some of the world’s greatest primates. 7.30 Building The Ultimate This edition charts the evolution of propellants, barrels and ammunition to show how the unpredictable shortrange cannon has developed into today’s ultimate artillery gun. Big bangs ahoy! 8.00 World War I In Colour Documentary series narrated by Kenneth Branagh, in which the latest computer technology is used to tell the story of World War I with colour images. Life in the trenches. 9.00 FILM: A Perfect Murder (1998) Starring Michael Douglas, Gwyneth Paltrow, Viggo Mortensen, David Suchet. Taut thriller in which a coldblooded commodities trader, on the verge of losing his fortune, hires someone to kill his rich young wife. Never gonna be that straightforward. 11.15 Rory & Paddy’s Great British Adventure The pair engage in a spot of toe wrestling in Derbyshire. 12.10am Cricket On Five 1.05 PartyPoker.com Women’s World Open III 2.35 NHRA Drag Racing (x2) 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away
6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans (x3) 9.00 International Football 10.30 Poker Million 12.30pm International Football 2.00 LIVE International Cricket 10.30 Boots ‘n’ All 11.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 12.00am LIVE US Open Tennis 4.00 Boots ‘n’ All 5.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 5.30 Total Rugby
6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 Nigel Slater’s Simple Suppers See highlights. 8.00 Trawlermen Documentary series following the work of Scottish fishermen. The young crew of the prawn trawler New Dawn are recovering from the devastating loss of one of their shipmates at sea. 9.00 Motorway Cops – A Traffic Cops Special Fly-on-the-wall documentary following the traffic police of Birmingham. Grab a cushion for a steering wheel and pretend you can join in with the high speed chases. Nee-yow! 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 The National Lottery Draws Draws fetching nudes in charcoal. Or just plain old numbers. 10.45 FILM: The Quiet American (2002) Starring Michael Caine, Brendan Fraser, Do Thi Hai Yen. Acclaimed Vietnam war drama, based on the novella by Graham Greene, about a jaded English journalist who finds himself embroiled in the politics of war through a troubled love triangle. 12.15am Weatherview 12.20 Sign Zone: Country Tracks 1.15 The Frankincense Trail 2.15 The Hairy Bikers’ Food Tour Of Britain 3.00 BBC News
6.00am The Treacle People 6.10 Sali Mali 6.15 The Hoobs 6.40 The Hoobs 7.05 Everybody Loves Raymond 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 7.55 Frasier 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Year Dot 10.05 Tricky Business 10.35 Get Me The Producer 11.25 Designers Under Pressure 11.35 Teen Tycoons 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 Seaside Secrets 12.50 My Place In The Sun 1.20 FILM: Batman (1966) 3.25 Countdown 4.10 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 5.30 Come Dine With Me 6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Gov finds out what Ash told Anita. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder 8.00 Location, Location, Location Aberdeen-based Emma and Mike are keen to upgrade from their onebedroom city flat, but want to stay in town. Karen and Russell are keen to escape urban living and seek a rural idyll. Phil and Kirstie, however, just want to keep their tempers. 9.00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant revamp series revisits a number of eateries that were once on the verge of disaster to see if they have kept to his advice and turned their reputations around. While using the swears lots. 10.35 Derren Brown: The Event Live See highlights. 10.45 Derren Brown: The Gathering Derren Brown does a special live performance of his magic and mindgames in front of an invited audience of magic experts and celebrity fans. 11.55 8 Out Of 10 Cats Jimmy Carr hosts the comedy panel game. 12.30am 4Music Favourites 1.00 4 Music: This Week’s 4Music Top 20 2.55 Monsters 3.10 Dispatches: Battle Scarred 4.00 Scrapheap Challenge 5.00 Countdown 5.45 The Hoobs
Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Hyundai A League 7.00 WWE Vintage Collection 8.00 On The Line 8.30 Mountain Bike World 9.00 Modern Pentathlon 10.00 Golf: PGA EuroPro Tour 12.00pm On The Line 12.30 Ocean Adventures 1.00 US Open Tennis 4.00 LIVE US Open Tennis 7.30 LIVE: International Football 10.30 International Football 12.00am International Cricket 2.00 International Football 3.30 Max Power 4.30 Close
Sky Sports 3 7.00am Golf: British Par 3 Golf Championships 8.30 Southern 100 Road Race 9.30 Pool: World Pool Masters 10.30 Football Asia 11.00 Hyundai A League 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Southern 100 Road Race 1.00 Pool: World Pool Masters 2.00 Golf: PGA EuroPro Tour 4.00 Football Asia 4.30 Hyundai A League 5.00 Trans World Sport 6.00 Boots ‘n’ All 7.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 7.30 LIVE: International Football (x4) 4.00 Close
4.00pm Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 Oops TV (x2) 5.30 Futurama 6.00 Malcolm In The Middle 6.30 Futurama 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 FILM: Fierce Creatures (1997) 9.45 UK Border Force 10.45 Vic Reeves Investigates... Jack The Ripper 11.45 Football’s A Funny Old Game 12.15am Bones
7.00pm Top Gear 8.00 Don’t Tell The Bride 9.00 FILM: Jump In! (2007) 10.25 Family Guy (x2) 11.10 Little Britain 11.40 Don’t Tell The Bride 12.40am Clever V Stupid 1.10 Virgin Cooks 2.10 Claire Richards: My Big Fat Wedding 3.10 We Are Klang 3.35 Clever V Stupid 4.05 Virgin Cooks 5.30 Close
7.00pm World News Today 7.30 Talking Landscapes 8.00 Casualty 1909 9.00 Jonathan Meades Off Kilter 10.00 The Crow Road 11.00 FILM: Ratcatcher (1999) 12.30am The Cult Of Hamish Macbeth 1.00 Jonathan Meades Off Kilter 2.00 Rory Bremner And The Fighting Scots 3.00 Jonathan Meades Off Kilter
12.30pm Planet’s Funniest Animals 1.00 Airline USA 1.30 The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.45 The Ricki Lake Show (x2) 5.15 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.00 Judge Judy (x2) 7.00 FILM: Vanity Fair (2004) See highlights. 9.50 FILM: Ocean’s Eleven (2001) 12.05am Hell’s Kitchen USA (x2) 2.00 Emmerdale
12.50pm Heartbeat 1.50 Upstairs, Downstairs 2.55 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 4.00 Daily Cooks Challenge 5.00 Drama Trails 5.15 Home To Roost 5.55 Heartbeat 6.55 Pie In The Sky 8.00 Monarch Of The Glen 9.00 Numb3rs 10.00 Life 11.00 FILM: The Mission (1986) 1.20am Cane 2.05 Brideshead Revisited
1.40pm Friends 2.10 Gilmore Girls 3.05 Veronica Mars 4.00 The Hills 4.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 How I Met Your Mother 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 Derren Brown: Evening Of Wonders 10.45 Alan Carr: Tooth Fairy Live 11.45 Scrubs (x2) 12.50am How I Met Your Mother
5.05pm Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 Britain’s Whitest Family 9.00 The Lost WWI Bunker: A Time Team Special 10.50 Dispatches: Battle Scarred 11.50 The Lost WWI Bunker: A Time Team Special 1.30am Dispatches: Battle Scarred
11.00am Laura (1944) 12.45pm White Feather (1955) 2.50 Hell And High Water (1954) 4.55 The Iron Petticoat (1956) 6.55 Titanic (1997) 10.45 The Business (2005) 12.35am Breakfast On Pluto (2005) 3.05 Close
thursday 10 Watchdog BBC1, 8pm The smirking one’s back. And this time it’s even more personal. Yup, Anne Robinson heads up the new look Watchdog team, sending out EastEnders actress Melissa Suffield (Lucy Beale) to investigate sunbed warnings, Anita Rani to help us complain effectively, and Matt Allright to nobble a Rogue Trader. Gotcha!
Being Human BBC1, 10.35pm The supernatural drama of the werewolf, the vampire and the ghost starts to heat up this week as Mitchell grows disillusioned with mankind and returns to the vampires. Not a good start. Add to that Annie’s revenge-plotting towards her murderer and poor George feels mightily abandoned. Ahh. Good dog.
Lunch Monkeys BBC3, 10.30pm Brand new BBC3 comedy series aimed – you guessed it – at the late teens/early 20s slackers it portrays. Well, we’ve all been one of them at some point, or could still be there. The slack admin workers bumble along, annoying boss Mike (Nigel Havers!) with long lunches, alack attitudes and dating aspirations.
Sky Sports 1
6.00am Breakfast 9.15 The Week We Went To War 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 Cowboy Trap 11.45 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 The Weakest Link 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Kerwhizz 3.25 Bear Behaving Badly 3.50 OOglies 4.05 Best Of Friends 4.35 SMart 5.00 Newsround 5.15 Land Girls
6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Trapped 8.30 LazyTown Extra 8.40 Postman Pat: SDS 9.00 Timmy Time 9.10 Chuggington 9.25 Numberjacks 9.40 Tweenies 10.00 Ethelbert The Tiger 10.05 Grandpa In My Pocket 10.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.00 FILM: In A Lonely Place (1950) 12.30pm Working Lunch 1.00 Animal Park 1.30 Living In The Sun 2.15 House Swap 3.00 Monk 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 Pointless 5.15 The Hairy Bikers’ Food Tour Of Britain
6.00am GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 10.30 This Morning 11.25 ITV News And Weather 11.30 This Morning 12.30pm Loose Women 1.30 ITV Lunchtime News And Weather 2.00 60 Minute Makeover 3.00 Dickinson’s Real Deal 4.00 Rosemary And Thyme 5.00 Britain’s Best Dish
6.10am The Hoobs 6.40 Yo Gabba Gabba 7.05 Everybody Loves Raymond 7.30 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Frasier 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Year Dot 10.05 Tricky Business 10.35 Get Me The Producer 11.25 Designers Under Pressure 11.35 Teen Tycoons 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 Property Snakes And Ladders 1.25 FILM: Fantastic Voyage (1966) 3.25 Countdown 4.10 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 5.30 Come Dine With Me
6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Fifi And The Flowertots 8.15 Peppa Pig 8.25 Thomas & Friends 8.40 The WotWots 8.50 Hana’s Helpline 9.03 Little Lodgers 9.05 Roobarb And Custard Too 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Property List 12.40pm Five News 12.50 Game Ranger Diaries 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Rough Guide To Weekend Breaks 3.05 The Family Recipe 3.15 FILM: Relative Stranger (2009) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours 6.00 Home And Away Rachel faces her malpractice suit. S’not nice. 6.30 Among The Apes Renowned primatologist Charlotte Uhlenbroek heads to Borneo where the native orangutans are fighting for survival. 7.30 Inferno 999 Documentary. Fire teams tackle an arson attack on a vacant property; an old school building is at risk of a flash fire explosion; and Broughton Amber Watch fights a suspicious house blaze. Looks shifty from here. 8.00 Megastructures: Built From Disaster This instalment examines how recent catastrophes at the Channel Tunnel, Mont Blanc and Gotthard Tunnels of Europe spawned a revolution in tunnel-building technology that is still evolving today. 9.00 You’re Nicked Natalie Pinkham finds out the true stories behind dramatic crimes caught on camera. Cops stay one step ahead of drunken troublemakers in west London and a man in Middlesbrough steals an ambulance from the scene of an emergency. Div. 10.00 FILM: Robocop 2 (1990) Starring Peter Weller, Nancy Allen, Daniel O’Herlihy, Belinda Bauer. Sci-fi sequel charting the further exploits of the cyborg cop who patrols the streets of Detroit. Bless. 12.15am Quiz Call 4.00 NFL Classics 4.45 HouseBusters 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away
6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans (x3) 9.00 International Football 10.30 Total Rugby 11.00 International Cricket 1.00pm US Open Tennis 4.00 LIVE US Open Tennis 4.30 The Rugby Club 10.00 Time Of Our Lives 11.00 Barclays Premier League World 11.30 IAAF Athletix Weekly 12.00am LIVE US Open Tennis 4.00 Race World 5.00 Barclays Premier League World 5.30 IAAF Athletix Weekly
6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 7.30 EastEnders Peggy’s worst fears are realised when she discovers Sam has gone missing, while Roxy wrestles with her conscience. WWF-stylee. 8.00 Watchdog See highlights. 9.00 New Tricks Drama featuring an eccentric group of ex-police officers. Jack confronts his nemesis in court when Ricky Hanson stands trial for his attempted murder, and Gerry faces the consequences of lying to his ‘daughter’ Emily. The team uncover a shady organ donor racket when they reinvestigate the murder of a wealthy businessman who left a three-million-pound fortune to a prostitute. Silver lining to any profession and all that. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 Being Human See highlights. 11.35 FILM: Crazy/Beautiful (2001) Starring Kirsten Dunst, Jay Hernandez, Bruce Davison. Modern take on the story of Romeo and Juliet in which a talented but poor Latino teenager falls for the troubled daughter of an affluent congressman while studying at the same school. 1.10am Holiday Weatherview 1.15 Sign Zone: Panorama 1.45 Hardcore Profits 2.45 Countryfile 3.40 The Hairy Bikers’ Food Tour Of Britain 4.25News
6.00 Eggheads Quiz show. 6.30 Trust Me I’m A Dealer Roy and Holly from Hertfordshire are hoping Paul will be able to more than double their £1000 savings to rebuild Roy’s much loved camper van and set off on their first holiday for three years. Ah. Get ‘em some good old stuff. 7.00 Dragons’ Den It’s the final episode of a record-breaking series, with more money than ever offered by the Dragons. Will any of the last batch of entrepreneurs be part of that successful tally? Or will they run away and hide? 8.00 The Frankincense Trail Kate Humble crosses the Red Sea from Saudi Arabia to Egypt following the frankincense trail of the Pharoahs. Travelling the length of the Nile, Kate enters Karnack, the world’s largest religious site. Carefully. 9.00 The Love Of Money In September 2008, the collapse of Lehman Brothers tipped the world into recession. Gordon Brown, Tim Geithner and Alistair Darling reveal the dilemmas they faced and the decisions they took. 10.00 Mock The Week Dara O’Briain looks at the week’s events. Guests Jack Whitehall and Ed Byrne. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Wire Final episode of the acclaimed Baltimore police drama. How you gonna surive without it?! 12.50am BBC News
6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Carl decides Paddy should know that he and Chas spent a night together. Does he now? 7.30 Countrywise 8.00 Emmerdale A sickened Paddy confronts Chas. Debbie and Michael have a narrow escape from Cain. 8.30 Coronation Street Will Steve and Becky’s plan keep her out of prison? Peter struggles with his fatherly responsibilities. Hardly news. 9.00 The Bill DS Max Carter and DC Jo Masters question Paul Brewer when a raid discloses indecent images of a young girl on his laptop. While at first denying responsibilty, Paul eventually points the finger of suspicion at paedophile George Fielding. Good to have a likely candidate to hand. Never that simple. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 Billy Connolly: Journey To The Edge Of The World Billy Connolly goes on an entertaining journey through some of the more remote regions of Canada, travelling from the Atlantic to the Pacific via the fabled North West Passage. 11.35 Surface Fantasy drama and undersea adventure. 12.30am British Superbike Championship Highlights 1.15 Motorsport UK 2.05 The Cosby Mysteries 3.00 Loose Women 3.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 News
6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Hayley assures Cheryl that she is not cheating on Rhys with Josh as she plans on dumping Rhys. Keep it in the family. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder 8.00 How Clean Is Your House? Kim and Aggie have their work cut out for them when they head to Bognor Regis to tackle a filthy student house. How much pizza?! 8.30 Dolce Vito – Dream Restaurant Vito Cataffo sets out to prove our food is the best in the world by running a restaurant serving British grub in Italy. 9.00 Alone In The Wild Doc series following adventurer and cameraman Ed Wardle as he is dropped in Canada’s Yukon wilderness with just basic provisions. Ed is not a survival expert. Hopefully he will be soon. 10.05 Without A Trace American drama series about the FBI Missing Persons Squad. The team investigates the kidnapping of the four-year-old adopted son of a celebrity couple. Don’t get ideas. 11.05 Grizzly Man Doc telling the story of controversial animal rights activist Timothy Treadwell, who lived among wild grizzly bears. 1.15am FILM: Against The Ropes (2004) 3.15 Bare Knuckle Boxer 4.05 Stonehouse Reunion 4.10 Scrapheap Challenge 5.10 Countdown 5.55 Hoobs
Sky Sports 2 6.00am Ocean Adventures 6.30 Asian Tour Weekly 7.00 International Cricket 9.00 Boots ‘n’ All 10.00 FIFA Futbol Mundial 10.30 International Football (x2) 2.00 Total Rugby 2.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 3.00 International Football 4.30 LIVE Cricket: Pro40 League 10.00 The Rugby Club 11.00 Ocean Adventures 11.30 Watersports World 12.30am Barclays Premier League World 1.00 The Rugby Club 2.00 Race World 3.00 Trans World Sport 4.00 Barclays Premier League World 4.30 Close
Sky Sports 3 7.00am International Football 9.00 WWE Experience 10.00 DTM Motor Racing 11.00 Aerobics: Oz Style 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Asian Tour Weekly 12.30 European Tour Weekly 1.00 LIVE European Tour Golf 5.00 The Dogs 5.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 6.00 The Rugby Club 7.00 Barclays Premier League World 7.30 LIVE: Championship Rugby League 9.30 WWE Late Night Raw 11.30 Extreme Championship Wrestling 12.30am Golf Night 2.30 Time Of Our Lives 3.30 The Rugby Club 4.30 Close
2.00pm Bones 3.00 Lie To Me 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 Oops TV (x2) 5.30 Futurama 6.00 Malcolm In The Middle 6.30 Futurama 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 Noel’s Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old? 9.00 Bones 10.00 Justin Lee Collins: Surfer 11.00 Fringe (x2) 1.20am Bones
7.00pm Top Gear 8.00 Off The Hook 8.30 Clever V Stupid 9.00 Tough Guy Or Chicken? 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Lunch Monkeys. See highlights. 11.00 Family Guy (x2) 11.45 Tough Guy Or Chicken? 12.45am Lunch Monkeys 1.15 Off The Hook 1.45 Britain’s Most Embarrassing Parents 2.40 Clever V Stupid
7.00pm World News Today 7.30 BBC Proms 2009: Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra 9.30 The Beatles: The First US Visit 10.40 Filming The Beatles’s First US Visit: Albert Maysles 11.10 FILM: Help! (1965) 12.40am A Portrait Of Scotland 2.10 BBC Proms 2009: Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra 5.30 Close
3.45pm The Ricki Lake Show (x2) 5.15 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.00 Judge Judy (x2) 7.00 Primeval 8.00 Paris Hilton’s American Best Friend Forever 9.00 What Katie Did Next 10.00 Katy Brand’s Big Ass Show 10.30 Coronation Street 11.00 FILM: The Last Samurai (2003) 1.55am Emmerdale (x2)
12.50pm Heartbeat 1.55 Upstairs, Downstairs 3.00 Monarch Of The Glen 4.00 Daily Cooks Challenge 5.00 Drama Trails 5.15 Home To Roost 5.50 Heartbeat 6.50 Pie In The Sky 7.55 The Memoirs Of Sherlock Holmes 9.00 Piers Morgan On... 10.00 Trial And Retribution 12.15am Numb3rs
1.40pm Friends 2.10 Gilmore Girls 3.05 Veronica Mars 4.00 The Hills 4.25 Hollyoaks 4.55 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 How I Met Your Mother 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 Reaper 10.00 The Big Bang Theory 10.30 The Loop 11.00 Free Agents 11.30 King Of The Hill 12.00am Reno 911
4.00pm How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 Shopping The Family 9.00 Jamie’s American Road Trip 10.00 Gordon Ramsay’s F Word 11.10 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA 12.10am Without A Trace
11.00am Little Norse Prince (1968) 12.40pm Three Came Home (1950) 2.45 The Common Touch (1941) 4.55 Guns At Batasi (1964) 6.55 Jungle 2 Jungle (1997) 9.00 Sleepy Hollow (1999) 11.05 Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ (2005) 1.20am Taxidermia (2003)
friday 11 David Blaine: What Is Magic? Channel 4, 10pm Can this really fill the empty hole left by Big Brother? Maybe. David Blaine is entertaining both intentionally and unintentionally, taking himself far more seriously than the rest of us do. Much like a Big Brother housemate. Here the original ‘man dangling in a box’ travels across America doing stunts.
The Wire BBC2, 12.50am It’s the very end of the very last season of this excellent but ridiculously-scheduled drama series. We’ve gotten to know Baltimore and its inhabitants pretty well but will McNulty ever settle down? Will Bubbles stay clean? Will Carcetti keep any of his initial promises? And will Freamon stay true? It’ll be much missed.
EastEnders: The Return Of Sam Mitchell BBC3, 8.30pm The original Sam Mitchell is back as Danniella Westbrook trades her tabloid infamy for the character she helped create almost twenty years ago – feisty younger sister Sam Mitchell. In case you’d forgotten what that was like, here’s a refresher including feuds, marriages et al.
Sky Sports 1
6.00am Breakfast 9.15 The Week We Went To War 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 Cowboy Trap 11.45 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 The Weakest Link 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Kerwhizz 3.25 Bear Behaving Badly 3.50 OOglies 4.05 Wait For It..! 4.35 Hotel Trubble 5.00 Newsround 5.15 Land Girls
6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Trapped 8.30 LazyTown Extra 8.40 Postman Pat: SDS 9.00 Timmy Time 9.10 Chuggington 9.25 Numberjacks 9.40 Tweenies 10.00 Ethelbert The Tiger 10.05 Grandpa In My Pocket 10.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.05 FILM: Rancho Notorious (1952) 12.30pm Working Lunch 1.00 Animal Park 1.30 Living In The Sun 2.15 House Swap 3.00 Monk 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 Pointless 5.15 The Hairy Bikers’ Food Tour Of Britain
6.20am The Hoobs 6.45 Yo Gabba Gabba 7.10 Everybody Loves Raymond 7.35 Everybody Loves Raymond 8.00 Frasier 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Year Dot 10.05 Tricky Business 10.35 Get Me The Producer 11.25 Designers Under Pressure 11.35 Teen Tycoons 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 Property Snakes And Ladders 1.30 Channel 4 Racing 2.55 My Place In The Sun 3.25 Countdown 4.10 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 5.30 Come Dine With Me
6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today 7.00 The One Show 8.00 EastEnders Sam’s farewell party is interrupted by the police, but will she manage to escape in time? She’s a Mitchell in’t she?! 8.30 Traffic Cops Documentary series following the traffic police as they enforce the law on some of Britain’s busiest and most dangerous roads. Oh, the power of the tickets and the nee-nah. 9.00 Best Of Live At The Apollo Michael McIntyre, Al Murray, Dara O’ Briain, Lenny Henry, Sean Lock, Russell Howard and all their guests from the 2008 series of Live at the Apollo feature in a bumper one-hour special. Your sides won’t stop aching. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today 10.35 Friday Night With Jonathan Ross Jonathan Ross continues the new season with guests including recording legend Barry Manilow and QI star and comic Alan Davies. 11.35 National Lottery EuroMillions Draw EuroMillions. 11.40 FILM: The Best Man (2005) Starring Stuart Townsend, Seth Green, Steve Shepherd, Amy Smart. Romantic comedy set in London. 1.10am Weatherview 1.15 Sign Zone: Silverville 1.45 Economy Gastronomy 2.45 The Hairy Bikers’ Food Tour Of Britain 3.30 BBC News
6.00 Eggheads Quiz show. 6.30 Trust Me I’m A Dealer Amanda Lepley and James Brackley from Essex are hoping Paul will be able to grow their £4000 savings so they can buy their first home together. Does he ever lose the lot? 7.00 The Coral Gardener Nature documentary. Pretty. 7.10 Ganges Following the River Ganges as it journeys across Northern India, this film explores the colourful natural history of the Gangetic Plains. 8.00 Mastermind The subjects are: the history of the George Cross, the TV series The Ascent of Man, the first Latin Kingdom of Jerusalem and Clement Attlee. 8.30 Gardeners’ World Toby Buckland explains which plants offer the best for a seed harvest. 9.00 The Tudors Historical drama series. The hunt for Henry’s new bride is on, but political and practical obstacles emerge. Maybe he should just text her. 10.00 QI Panel-based quiz. Stephen Fry follows the flock with Clive Anderson, Rich Hall, Reginald D Hunter and Alan Davies. 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.40 Mercury Prize 2009 Lauren Laverne presents extended highlights. 12.50am The Wire (x3) See highlights.
6.00 Meridian Tonight 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale A desperate Chas tries to make things up to Paddy. 7.30 Coronation Street Peter takes Simon to visit someone special. Ah. 8.00 We Know What’s In Your Bin: Tonight To encourage households to recycle more, wheelie bins are taking over our streets and councils are increasingly monitoring what we throw out using satellite technology. Jonathan Maitland investigates further as to whether this is actually denting the problem. 8.30 Coronation Street Sean causes fireworks at the Mr Gay Weatherfield competition when his lie is exposed. You could see that one coming up to bite him right on the bum. 9.00 Rebus Crime drama. When the body of a prostitute is found, Rebus is haunted by a case from twenty years before. The killer was never found, but Rebus remained convinced that rich kid Daniel Raeburn - now a respectable Edinburgh MSP - was responsible. Tricky. 10.00 News At Ten; Weather 10.35 FILM: Matchstick Men (2003) Starring Nicolas Cage, Sam Rockwell, Alison Lohman. Offbeat crime comedy. One them swindling and family combos. 12.40am FILM: The Guys (2002) 2.10 Nightwatch With Steve Scott 3.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 News
6.00 The Simpsons 6.30 Hollyoaks Things are awkward when Josh, Rhys and Hayley find themselves together. Calvin is slightly concerned at Cheryl’s presence in the house – Leo loves having her there. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Celebrity Come Dine With Me Celebrity special of the cookerybased reality show in which chefs compete for the title of ultimate dinner party host. It’s the on ewith Christopher Biggins, Edwina Currie, Julia Bradbury and Phillip Olivier. Cheeky as that lovely red you bought to go with the beef. 8.30 The Big Food Fight Food quiz hosted by Sue Perkins. Repeat of Tuesday’s show.. 9.00 Derren Brown: The Events Repeat of Wednesday’s show. 10.00 David Blaine: What Is Magic? See highlights. 11.05 The Inbetweeners Six-part sitcom about teenagers in suburbia. Simon is about to sit his first driving test and Will, Jay and Neil are very excited by the new possibilities that having a car will bring. 11.35 Derren Brown: The Events Repeat of Wednesday’s show. Again. 12.40am 4 Music: Placebo Live 1.10 FILM: Knights Of The South Bronx (2005) 2.45 1066: The Battle For Middle Earth 4.10 FIVB Beach Volleyball 5.10 Countdown 5.55 The Treacle People
6.00 – 8.00am Children’s television 8.00 Fifi And The Flowertots 8.15 Peppa Pig 8.25 Thomas & Friends 8.40 The WotWots 8.50 Hana’s Helpline 9.02 Milkshake! Show Songs 9.05 Roobarb And Custard Too 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Property List 12.40pm Five News 12.50 Game Ranger Diaries 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Rough Guide To Islands 3.05 The Family Recipe 3.15 FILM: Ambulance Girl (2005) 5.00 Five News 5.30 Neighbours 6.00 Home And Away Kirsty doubts her ability to be a schoolteacher. Nicole goes off the rails. Again?! 6.30 Among The Apes Charlotte travels deep into the dense jungles of Uganda for a close encounter with the largest and rarest of all apes - the mountain gorilla. Cool. 7.30 Police Interceptors: Special Edition Special edition of the documentary series profiling the work of a high-speed police interception unit in Essex. Catching boy racers. 8.00 Brighton Beach Patrol Documentary series following the work of the emergency services who patrol Brighton’s world-famous beach. A group of swimmers attempt the Pier to Pier swim, a fire breaks out at the YMCA and a group of drunk teenagers gets out of control. 9.00 NCIS Drama series. An explosion at a military mausoleum reveals a crypt full of fresh body parts. Body snatchers? 10.00 Law And Order: Criminal Intent American crime drama series. Logan and Wheeler investigate the murder of a prominent judge’s son. As the case unravels, it seems a convict with a grudge is responsible. But could the culprit be closer to home? 11.00 CSI: Miami Crime drama. Repeat of Tuesday’s episode. 12.00am Quiz Call 4.00 The FBI Files 4.45 HouseBusters 5.10 Neighbours 5.35 Home And Away
6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans (x3) 9.00 Barclays Premier League World 9.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 10.00 The Rugby Club 11.00 Trans World Sport 12.00pm Barclays Premier League World 12.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial 1.00 The Rugby Club 2.00 US Open Tennis 5.00 LIVE US Open Tennis 10.00 Football League Weekend 11.00 Barclays Premier League Preview 11.30 Gillette World Sport 12.00am Super League 2.00 Friday Fight Night 4.00 Football League Weekend 5.00 Barclays Premier League Preview 5.30 Gillette World Sport
Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Ocean Adventures 7.00 WWE Raw 9.00 The Dogs 9.30 IAAF Athletix Weekly 10.00 Championship Rugby League 12.00pm Race World 1.00 LIVE European Tour Golf 5.00 Gillette World Sport 5.30 Barclays Premier League World 6.00 Football League Weekend 7.00 Barclays Premier League Preview 7.30 LIVE: Super League 10.00 LIVE: Friday Fight Night Live 12.00am Football League Weekend 1.00 Barclays Premier League Preview 1.30 Gillette World Sport 2.00 Trans World Sport 3.00 Tight Lines 4.00 Super League
Sky Sports 3 11.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Watersports World 1.00 World Tenpin Masters 2.00 Trans World Sport 3.00 IAAF Athletix Weekly 3.30 Trans World Sport 4.30 LIVE Cricket: Pro40 League 10.00 WWE Smackdown 12.00am WWE Late Night Bottom Line 1.00 Golf Night 3.00 Race World 4.00 Trans World Sport 5.00 IAAF Athletix Weekly 5.30 Mountain Bike World
2.00pm Bones 3.00 Lie To Me 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 Oops TV (x2) 5.30 Futurama 6.00 Malcolm In The Middle 6.30 Futurama 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 Grease: The School Musical 9.00 FILM: Fierce Creatures (1997) 10.45 Ross Kemp: In Search Of Pirates 11.45 Bones 12.45am Road Wars
7.00pm Top Gear 8.00 Muse: A Seaside Rendezvous 8.30 Eastenders: The Return Of Sam Mitchell. See highlights. 9.30 Lunch Monkeys 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Harper’s Island (x2) 11.50 Family Guy (x2) 12.35 Lunch Monkeys 1.05 EastEnders: The Return Of Sam Mitchell
7.00pm World News Today 7.30 BBC Proms 2009: Beethoven’s 9th Symphony 9.30 ...Sings The Beatles 10.30 The Beatles On Record 11.30 Electric Proms: Paul McCartney 12.30am ... Sings The Beatles 1.30 How The Beatles Rocked The Kremlin: Storyville 2.30 BBC Proms 2009: Beethoven’s 9th Symphony 5.30 Close
3.45pm The Ricki Lake Show (x2) 5.15 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.00 Judge Judy (x2) 7.00 The X Factor 8.00 The Xtra Factor 9.00 FILM: Catwoman (2004) 11.05 What Katie Did Next 12.05am Coronation Street (x2) 1.05 The Xtra Factor 2.00 Emmerdale 2.25 Teleshopping 5.25 ITV2 Nightscreen
12.50pm Heartbeat 1.50 Upstairs, Downstairs 3.00 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 4.00 Daily Cooks Challenge 5.00 Drama Trails 5.15 Home To Roost 5.50 Heartbeat 6.50 Pie In The Sky 7.55 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 9.00 Life 10.00 FILM: Man Trouble (1992) 12.05am Flashpoint 12.55 Wycliffe 1.55 The Charmer
12.40pm Scrubs (x2) 1.40 Friends 2.10 Gilmore Girls 3.05 Veronica Mars 4.00 The Hills 4.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 How I Met Your Mother 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 Supernanny 10.00 Wife Swap USA 11.00 Big Brother’s Big Mouth 12.05am Scrubs (x2)
4.00pm How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 How To Snare A Millionaire 9.00 9/11: Phone Calls From The Towers 10.40 The 9/11 Faker 11.45 9/11: Phone Calls From The Towers 1.20am The 9/11 Faker
11.00am Chain Gang (1950) 12.32pm Victim (1961) 2.25 Henry V (1945) 5.05 Project X (1987) 7.10 Crocodile Dundee (1986) 9.00 Little Miss Sunshine (2006) 11.00 Donkey Punch (2008) 12.55am Swingers (1996)
saturday 12 The X Factor ITV1, 7pm Britain’s biggest open talent competition continues with some more good, bad and unbelievable auditions from across the country. The wannabes will be performing in front of a studio audience and the panel. Who will impress the judges? Host Dermot O’Leary is on hand to celebrate success and mop up the tears.
Previously On ER Channel 4, 6pm A look back at 15 seasons of the award-winning series set in Chicago’s County General ER. With clips from memorable episodes and interviews with past and present stars including Noah Wyle, Alex Kingston and Anthony Edwards, watch this if you’re in denial that the show’s really over. Tissues at the ready.
Grease Film 4, 4.40pm The classic high school musical that set the standard and could be held responsible for a lot of less worthy imitators of recent years. There’s the T-Birds, the Pink Ladies, perilous car races, teenage pregnancies and romances – all carried along by memorable songs that will again leave you hopelessly devoted.
Sky Sports 1
6.00am Breakfast 10.00 Saturday Kitchen Live 11.30 Football Focus 12.00pm BBC News 12.10 Formula 1: The Italian Grand Prix 2.15 Murder, She Wrote 3.00 FILM: The Prince Of Egypt (1998) 4.30 Final Score 5.20 BBC News 5.25 South East Today 5.35 Regional News And Weather 5.40 My Family
6.00–8.25am Children’s television 8.30 Richard Hammond’s Blast Lab 9.00 Skate Nation 10.00 My Almost Famous Family 10.30 The Legend Of Dick And Dom 10.55 Diddy Dick And Dom 11.00 The Story Of Tracy Beaker 11.30 Young Dracula 12.00pm 5.19 Show 12.20 Off The Hook 12.50 Chart Jackers 12.55 Kyle XY 1.40 Revealed 2.00 The Sky At Night 2.20 FILM: The Man From Laramie (1955) 4.00 Sacred Music 5.00 Lost Land Of The Volcano
6.00am GMTV 9.25 Horrid Henry 9.40 Scratch ‘n’ Sniff’s Den Of Doom 10.10 Art Attack 10.35 Planet Sketch 10.45 FILM: Treasure Island (1950) 12.35pm ITV News And Weather 12.40 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Celebrity 1.40 FILM: Agatha Christie’s Dead Man’s Folly (1986) 3.25 FILM: Overboard (1987) 5.30 Meridian News And Weather 5.45 ITV News And Weather
6.00–8.20am Children’s television 8.40 Rupert Bear 8.55 Harry And His Bucket Full Of Dinosaurs 9.05 Olivia 9.20 Little Princess 9.38 Mr. Men Minis 9.40 Milkshake Monkey 9.45 Mist: Sheepdog Tales 10.00 Mobil 1 The Grid 10.30 NFL UK 11.30 The Gadget Show 12.30pm FILM: The Great Mom Swap (1995) 2.20 FILM: Inside Out (1975) 4.15 Five News 4.20 FILM: How The West Was Won (1962)
6.10 As Seen On TV Steve Jones hosts the celebrity TV quiz, joined by regular team captains Fern Britton and Jason Manford. 6.40 Walk On The Wild Side Series combining comedy with natural history footage. 7.10 Weakest Link Special – TV Drama Characters Anne Robinson presents the quick-fire general knowledge quiz 8.00 The National Lottery Draws, With presenter Christopher Biggins and a performance from Pixie Lott. 8.15 Casualty Medical drama series. 9.05 BBC Proms 2009: Last Night Of The Proms – Part Two Live from the Royal Albert Hall, Clive Anderson introduces the spectacular climax to the 2009 Proms season. American conductor David Robertson is master of ceremonies for the first time, with two top soloists mezzo soprano Sarah Connolly and trumpet player Alison Balsom, and the combined forces of the BBC Symphony Orchestra, the BBC Symphony Chorus and the BBC Singers. 10.40 BBC News. 11.05 Match Of The Day Gary Lineker presents all the goals and highlights from today’s Barclays Premier League fixtures. 12.25am The Football League Show. 1.40 Friday Night With Jonathan Ross. 2.40 Weatherview. 2.45 BBC News
6.00 Athletics: World Final 2009 Athletics: World Final 2009. 7.30 BBC Proms 2009: Last Night Of The Proms – Part One Live from the Royal Albert Hall, Clive Anderson introduces the final concert of the 2009 Proms season. The evening gets underway with a ‘Flourish of Fireworks‘ by Oliver Knussen. Works by anniversary composers Purcell and Haydn feature the evening’s soloists mezzo soprano Sarah Connolly and trumpet player Alison Balsom. Continues on BBC1. 9.05 The Last Nazis The Last Nazis. 10.05 Have I Got A Bit More News For You Extended version of the classic news quiz. 10.45 Mock The Week Comedy show combining the best elements of panel show, stand-up and improvised games. 11.15 FILM: Sin City (2005) Starring Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Clive Owen, Jessica Alba and Benicio Del Toro. A strikingly faithful adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel that deploys an all-star cast to exploit its seedy film noir setting and hardboiled detective plot to brutal cinematic effect. 1.10am FILM: The Legend (1993) Martial arts romp. 2.45 Inside F1
6.00 Britain Does The Funniest Things Stephen Mulhern introduces more strange stories and hilarious home video clips from all over the UK as he takes a road trip around Cornwall in a camper van. Tonight’s show features a rollerskating reverend, an adventure playground for pensioners and a runaway mobility scooter. 7.00 The X Factor See highlights. 8.15 The Cube Phillip Schofield hosts the nail-biting gameshow. 9.15 FILM: The Break-Up (2006) Starring Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. Twist on the traditional romantic comedy formula as a happy couple’s relationship implodes amid childishness and bickering. 11.15 ITV News And Weather . 11.30 FILM: The Whole Nine Yards (2000) Starring Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry and Rosanna Arquette. Comedy about a dentist whose wife convinces him to betray their new neighbour – a hit man turned informant – to the Chicago gangsters who want him dead. In need of money in order to hurry through a divorce, the young man arranges a meeting with the mob in which he will exchange information for cash. 1.20am FILM: The Long Run (2000). 3.20 Crossing Jordan. 4.05 ITV Nightscreen Text-service. 5.30 News
6.05–6.50am Children’s Television. 7.00 Gillette World Sport 7.30 MSA Formula Ford Championship 8.00 The Morning Line 8.55 Yo Gabba Gabba 9.25 Friends 9.55 JLS Love Jacko: Top 10 11.00 Friends 11.30 Pixie Lott Takes Off: T4 Special 12.00pm Orange RockCorps 2009 With Sony Ericsson 12.15 Friends 12.45 Scrubs 1.20 Scrubs 1.45 Channel 4 Racing 4.00 Come Dine With Me Extra Portions 4.30 Come Dine With Me Extra Portions 5.00 Come Dine With Me Extra Portions 5.25 Come Dine With Me Extra Portions 6.00 Previously On ER See highlights. 6.55 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 7.25 ER ER ends its 15-year run with a two-hour long episode. Gates works on a young teen suffering from alcohol poisoning after playing a drinking game. Old friends come to show their support when a new medical facility for the underprivileged is opened. Sam receives a special gift for her birthday. Carter and a new intern try to save a mother in labour with twins. 9.05 FILM: Take The Lead (2006) Starring Antonio Banderas, Rob Brown, Yaya DaCosta and Alfre Woodard. Dancefloor drama based on a true story. A former professional dancer asks for a job at a New York public school in the belief that he can help to reform the broken lives of its students through the medium of ballroom dancing. 11.20 Big Brother’s Big Mouth The final Big Brother’s Big Mouth will celebrate and scrutinise all the action from the past series and reunite all of the housemates one final time. 12.25am FILM: Pushing Tin (1999) Comedy drama set in the world of aviation. 2.40 1066: The Battle For Middle Earth. 4.00 Salvage Squad. 4.55 Countdown. 5.40 The Hoobs
6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Barclays Premier League Preview 7.00 Football League Weekend 8.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 8.30 Barclays Premier League Preview 9.00 Soccer AM 12.00pm Gillette Soccer Saturday 5.05 LIVE US Open Tennis 11.00 NFL – Total Access 12.00am UEFA Champions League Weekly 12.30 Gillette World Sport 1.00 LIVE Women’s US Open Tennis 3.00 International Cricket 4.00 Premiership Rugby Union 5.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 5.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial
7.15 Cricket On Five Highlights of the fourth one-day international game between England and Australia at Lord’s. 8.00 NCIS Drama series following a team of special agents who investigate crimes connected to Navy and Marine Corps personnel. An NCIS agent who used to work under Gibbs asks for the team’s help investigating a case where sailors on an aircraft carrier are dying of drug overdoses, but have no history of drug abuse. 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Drama series about a team of forensic investigators in Las Vegas. Langston faces a steep learning curve on his first day as a CSI when an arson case turns into a homicide investigation and a burglary is not all it seems. 10.00 Law And Order: SVU Drama series about an elite force based in New York that investigates sex-related crimes. 11.00 The FBI Files Documentary series charting the work of the FBI’s crime lab. In the late 1970s, the FBI had a working knowledge of antiCastro terrorists operating in the United States. But then a new group appeared, more violent and aggressive than their predecessors. 12.00am Quiz Call. 4.00 The FBI Files. 4.45 Rough Guide To Journeys. 5.00 Hana’s Helpline. 5.10 The Milkshake! Show.
Sky Sports 2 6.00am FIFA Futbol Mundial 6.30 Gillette World Sport 7.00 Tight Lines 8.00 Super League 10.00 LIVE International Cricket 6.30pm Saturday Stories 7.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly 7.30 You’re On Sky Sports 8.25 Football First: Game Of The Day 10.15 Football First: Match Choice (x5) 5.45 Close
Sky Sports 3 6.00am Sports Unlimited 7.00 Friday Fight Night 9.00 WWE Smackdown 11.00 WWE The Bottom Line 12.00pm LIVE Scottish Premier League 2.30 LIVE Premiership Rugby Union 5.00 WWE The Bottom Line 6.00 LIVE: Super League 8.00 International Cricket 9.00 LIVE: Spanish Football 11.00 Premiership Rugby Union 12.00am Extreme Championship Wrestling 1.00 WWE Late Night Smackdown 3.00 Spanish Football 5.00 Sports Unlimited
1.00pm Don’t Forget The Lyrics 2.00 Oops TV (x2) 3.00 WWE Smackdown 5.00 Grease: The School Musical 6.00 The Simpsons (x2) 7.00 Futurama (x2) 8.00 UK Border Force 9.00 Justin Lee Collins: Surfer 10.00 Lie To Me (x2) 12.00am Football Behind Bars 1.00 Antony Gormley’s One And Other
7.00pm EastEnders: The Return Of Sam Mitchell 8.00 Top Gear 9.05 FILM: National Treasure (2004) 11.05 Jack Dee Live At The Apollo 11.50 Family Guy (x2) 12.35 Harper’s Island (x2) 1.55 Don’t Tell The Bride 2.55 Off The Hook 3.25 EastEnders: The Return Of Sam Mitchell 4.25 Don’t Tell The Bride
7.00pm Michael Palin... On The Colourists 8.00 BBC Proms 2009 11.00 FILM: Brigadoon (1954) 12.45am Wilderness Explored 1.45 Wilderness Explored 2.45 Wilderness Explored 5.30 Close
3.25pm The Xtra Factor 4.25 Paris Hilton’s American Best Friend Forever 5.30 FILM: Scooby-Doo (2002) 7.05 Superhuman: World’s Smallest People 8.15 The Xtra Factor 9.15 Ghosthunting With... The Happy Mondays 11.15 Katy Brand’s Big Ass Show 11.45 The X Factor 1.00am The Xtra Factor
1.10pm FILM: Uncle Buck (1989) 3.15 The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes 4.20 Agatha Christie’s Poirot 5.30 Goodnight Sweetheart 6.00 Inspector Morse 8.00 Wycliffe 9.00 A Touch Of Frost 11.10 Inspector Morse 1.15am Brideshead Revisited 2.10 On The Buses (x2) 3.00 Teleshopping
12.35pm Style Her Famous (x2) 1.35 Young, Sexy And... Soapy 2.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Reaper 7.00 The Big Bang Theory 7.30 The Loop 7.55 Friends (x2) 9.00 100 Greatest Funny Moments 1.15am Supernanny US 2.10 Gok’s Fashion Fix 3.05 How To Look Good Naked USA 3.25 Hollyoaks
12.05pm Time Team 1.10 FILM: Oliver Twist (1948) 3.25 Kitchen Pharmacy 3.40 Grand Designs (x5) 9.05 9/11: The Falling Man 10.40 9/11: The Miracle Of Stairway B 11.45 9/11: The Falling Man 1.15am 9/11: The Miracle Of Stairway B 2.20 Time Team 3.20 Time Team 4.20 Close
11.00am Move Over, Darling (1963) 1.00pm The Honeymooners (2005) 2.45 Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962) 4.40 Grease (1978) See highlights. 6.50 Save The Last Dance (2001) 9.00 Ghost (1990) 11.25 The Innocents (1961) 1.20am Vault Of Horror (1973) 3.10 Close
sunday 13 The Wagner Family: The South Bank Show ITV1, 10.15pm Tony Palmer’s examination of composer Richard Wagner’s descendants – his glorious but poisoned legacy. This is a passionate and disturbing account of a group of people whose lives make the plot of a soap opera seem tame by comparison. Gripping stuff.
Atlantic Convoys: The War At Sea Channel 4, 7pm Documentary series chronicling America’s involvement in the biggest naval campaign of the twentieth century, which lasted for four years, claimed the lives of 100,000 people, caused the sinking of 2,600 ships, and brought Britain to the brink of defeat in World War II.
The Memoirs Of Sherlock Holmes ITV3, 6.50pm The adventures of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s immortal detective. Following an uncharacteristically provocative threat to expose a murderer, Holmes becomes mortally ill. Now between you and me, there’s something rather fishy going on here. Will Mr Holmes remain immortal? Tune in.
Sky Sports 1
6.00am Breakfast 7.35 Match Of The Day 9.00 The Andrew Marr Show 10.00 The Big Questions 11.00 The Politics Show 12.10pm Formula 1: The Italian Grand Prix 3.20 EastEnders 5.15 Songs Of Praise 5.50 BBC News
6.00am Me Too! 6.20 Balamory 6.40 Bits And Bobs 7.00 Uncle Max 7.10 Diddy Dick And Dom 7.15 ChuckleVision 7.30 Da Dick And Dom Dairies 8.00 Gimme A Break 8.30 M.I. High 9.00 Undercover Dads 10.00 Something For The Weekend 11.30 Animal Park – Wild On The West Coast 12.30pm Escape To The Country 1.15 FILM: The Ipcress File (1965) 3.00 Boxing: World Championships 2009 – Highlights 4.00 Triathlon: World Championships Final 2009 Highlights 5.30 Athletics: World Final 2009 7.30 Porridge Classic comedy series. 8.00 Last Chance To See Stephen Fry and zoologist Mark Carwardine head to the ends of the earth in search of animals on the edge of extinction. On a journey across Africa towards the war-torn Congo, the travellers encounter chimpanzees, gorillas and elephants, but are there any northern white rhinos still alive in the wild? 9.00 Dragons’ Den: On Tour With the Den closed for business, the multimillionaire investors are off on their first tour of the UK to find out what happened next. The Dragons drop in on some of the most memorable entrepreneurs from the Den, discovering which of their investments are thriving. 10.00 Match Of The Day 2 Adrian Chiles offers up the last word on the weekend’s Premier League action. 10.50 Shooting Stars Hit comedy panel show presented by Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, with George Dawes – the biggest baby on television – keeping the scores. 11.20 FILM: JFK (1991) Starring Kevin Costner, Sissy Spacek, Gary Oldman, and Joe Pesci. Oliver Stone’s controversial re-creation of the 1963 Kennedy assassination in Dallas and its aftermath. 2.20am BBC News 3.40 The Super League Show
6.00am GMTV 9.25 Paz 9.30 Supernormal 9.45 Emu 10.00 Emu 10.15 Tricky Quickies 10.25 Planet’s Funniest Animals 10.55 Coronation Street Omnibus 1.10pm ITV News And Weather 1.15 The X Factor 2.30 Columbo: Candidate For Crime 4.30 Lewis
6.05am The Hoobs 6.30 Yo Gabba Gabba 7.00 FIVB Beach Volleyball 7.50 Rat Race Urban Adventure 8.20 The McCain Track And Field Show 8.55 Friends 9.30 Hollyoaks 12.00pm 90210 1.00 Rimmel London Presents The World’s Greatest Pop Star: Contenders 1.30 Rimmel London Presents The World’s Greatest Pop Star: Michael Jackson 2.35 Friends 3.05 Friends 3.40 The Simpsons 4.15 The Simpsons 4.45 Deal Or No Deal 5.30 Scrapheap Challenge
6.00–8.20am Children’s television. 8.35 Rupert Bear 8.55 Harry And His Bucket Full Of Dinosaurs 9.05 Olivia 9.20 Little Princess 9.35 Mr. Men Minis 9.40 Milkshake Monkey 9.45 Mist: Sheepdog Tales 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Everybody Hates Chris 11.00 Lemur Island 11.50 Megastructures: Built From Disaster 12.50pm FILM: The Wrong Box (1966) 2.55 FILM: The Winslow Boy (1999) 4.55 FILM: Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)
6.00am Football First: Match Choice (x2) 9.00 Sunday Supplement 10.00 Goals On Sunday 11.30 LIVE Ford Super Sunday 2.00pm LIVE Football League: Championship 4.00 LIVE Ford Super Sunday 6.30 Super Sunday: The Last Word 7.00 LIVE: Spanish Football 8.00 Women’s US Open Tennis 9.00 LIVE: US Open Tennis 12.00am UEFA Champions League Weekly 12.30 Golf Night 2.00 Golf: Walker Cup 4.00 Ford Football Special 5.30 Super Sunday: The Last Word
6.30 Meridian News And Weather 6.45 ITV News And Weather. 7.00 Joanna Lumley – Catwoman Second in a two-part special in which Joanna Lumley investigates our fascination with cats. 8.00 Agatha Christie’s Marple Another new case for Agatha Christie’s famous amateur sleuth. 10.00 ITV News And Weather 10.15 The Wagner Family: The South Bank Show See highlights 11.15 The Unforgettable... Tommy Cooper A look at the complicated life of one of Britain’s best-loved comedians. Adored by the public and revered by colleagues, Tommy Cooper’s act was honed to perfection – yet his private life was chaotic and even self-destructive. His seventeenyear affair and his addiction to alcohol, which helped bring about his untimely death live on television, are reflected on by his mistress, friends and work colleagues. 11.45 Guinness Premiership Rugby Craig Doyle and Martin Bayfield present the best of the action from the second week of the Guinness Premiership. 12.40am UEFA Champions League Weekly 1.10 Kojak . 2.05 Countrywise. 2.30 We Know What’s In Your Bin: 2.55 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 News
6.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 7.00 Atlantic Convoys: The War At Sea See highlights. 8.00 FILM: X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) Starring Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Anna Paquin, Patrick Stewart and Famke Janssen. Latest episode in the comic book franchise as mutant society is torn apart over the discovery of a cure which can allow them to become human. However, one faction is hellbent on destroying the antidote and will stop at nothing to see its destruction. 10.00 Mad Hot Ballroom Marilyn Agrelo’s documentary follows the progress of several 11-year-old New York state school pupils as they enter the world of ballroom dancing, and go forward to take part in a city-wide dance competition. Though many are reluctant at first, their journey into merengue, rumba, tango, foxtrot and swing sees them transformed into determined competitors. 12.10am My Name Is Earl. 12.40 My Name Is Earl. 1.10 FILM: Mahal (1949) Hindi feature film. 4.00 Salvage Squad. 4.55 Countdown 5.40 The Hoobs
7.10 Five News. 7.15 FILM: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) Starring Jim Carrey, Courteney Cox, Sean Young, Tone Loc, Dan Marino and Noble Willingham. Comedy about an unconventional sleuth’s attempts to find a football team’s stolen mascot dolphin. 9.00 FILM: Dumb And Dumber (1994) Starring Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels, Lauren Holly, Teri Garr, Karen Duffy and Mike Starr. Slapstick comedy about a pair of idiotic friends who set off on a madcap journey to return a briefcase to its owner. However, they are blissfully unaware that the case contains a large amount of ransom money for the owner’s kidnapped husband. Their trip is soon fraught with disaster, especially when the kidnappers begin to pursue them across the country with the aim of grabbing the cash. 11.15 FILM: High School High (1996) Starring Jon Lovitz, Tia Carrera, Louise Fletcher, Mekhi Phifer and Malinda Williams. Off-beat spoof about an idealistic teacher who goes to teach in a rough inner-city high school. There he finds himself out of his depth as he gets into more and more trouble with the rival gangs. 12.50am NFL Live. 4.30 Cricket On Five. 5.10 The Milkshake! Show. 5.35 Thomas & Friends. 5.45 Roary
Sky Sports 2
6.05 South East Today The latest news, sport, weather and features. 6.15 Land Girls Period drama series about four girls who join the Women’s Land Army. 7.00 Countryfile Matt Baker heads to the New Forest to find out what commoners are doing to safeguard their ancient way of life and to meet the team of marine archaeologists unearthing hidden treasures. John Craven investigates whether food shortages mean it is time to think again about legalising genetic modification and, down on the farm, Adam Henson makes hay while the sun shines. 8.00 Casualty Medical drama series 9.00 Waking The Dead Drama. Boyd decides to re-investigate a cold case when Gemma, a girl raped by two men twelve years earlier, tries to kill herself. 10.00 BBC News 10.20 FILM: Runaway Jury (2003) Courtroom thriller starring John Cusack, Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman and Rachel Weisz. 12.20am Weatherview 12.25 Sign Zone: Bang Goes The Theory J 12.55 Wildest Dreams 1.55 Holby City 2.55: Land Girls 3.40 BBC News
6.00am International Cricket 7.00 Spanish Football 9.00 US Open Tennis 11.00 International Cricket 12.00pm Great Run Yorkshire 12.30 LIVE Cricket: Pro40 League 6.30 Wild Spirits 7.00 NASCAR 9.00 Great Run Yorkshire 9.30 UEFA Champions League Weekly 10.00 Ford Football Special 10.30 Super Sunday: The Last Word 12.00am WWE Experience 1.00 WWE Breaking Point – Live 4.00 Close
Sky Sports 3 6.00am Premiership Rugby Union 7.00 NASCAR 9.00 WWE Afterburn 11.00 FEI Equestrian World 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Wild Spirits 12.30 LIVE European Tour Golf 4.30 FEI Equestrian World 5.00 Great Run Yorkshire 5.30 TBA 12.30am Spanish Football 1.30 NASCAR 3.30 Close
12.00pm Futurama (x2) 1.00 It’s Me Or The Dog USA (x2) 3.00 Bones 4.00 UK Border Force 5.00 The Simpsons (x2) 6.00 Futurama (x2) 7.00 Grease: The School Musical 8.00 The Simpsons (x2) 9.00 House 10.00 Cold Case 11.00 Justin Lee Collins: Surfer 12.00am Ross Kemp On Gangs 1.00 Night Cops
7.00pm Formula 1: The Italian Grand Prix 8.00 Top Gear 9.00 Harper’s Island (x2) 10.20 Family Guy (x2) 11.10 Lunch Monkeys 11.40 Harper’s Island (x2) 1.00 Tough Guy Or Chicken? 2.00 Lunch Monkeys 2.30 Formula 1: The Italian Grand Prix 3.25 EastEnders: The Return Of Sam Mitchell 4.25 Clever V Stupid
7.00pm Crowdie And Cream 8.00 Tweed 9.00 Balmoral 10.00 Spiral II 10.50 Jonathan Meades Off Kilter 11.50 The Crow Road 12.50am Rory Bremner And The Fighting Scots 1.50 Balmoral 2.50 Tweed 5.30 Close
2.15pm Taylor Swift: The Hot Desk 2.25 The Xtra Factor 3.30 FILM: ScoobyDoo (2002) 5.10 FILM: Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004) 6.45 The X Factor 8.00 The Xtra Factor 9.00 What Katie Did Next 10.15 FILM: Ocean’s Twelve (2004) 12.35am Katy Brand’s Big Ass Show 1.10 The Xtra Factor
12.00pm Inspector Morse 2.10 Wycliffe 3.15 FILM: Black Beauty (1994) 5.05 FILM: The Guys (2002) 6.50 The Memoirs Of Sherlock Holmes See highlights 7.55 The Best Of The Royal Variety 9.00 FILM: Hope And Glory (1987) 11.20 The Memoirs Of Sherlock Holmes 12.30am PD James: Taste For Death
12.10pm Roswell 1.10 Dark Angel (x3) 4.00 Heartland 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Supernanny US 7.00 Privileged 8.00 One Tree Hill 9.00 Friends (x2) 10.00 FILM: Resident Evil (2002) 12.00am Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic 1.05 Supernanny US 1.55 Gok’s Fashion Fix 2.50 Dark Angel 3.30 Hollyoaks
2.25pm How Clean Is Your House? (x5) 5.10 Come Dine With Me (x5) 8.00 The River Cottage Treatment 9.00 The Family 10.00 The Hospital 11.10 Father Ted 11.40 Curb Your Enthusiasm 12.20am TV Heaven, Telly Hell 12.50 Deal Or No Deal 1.35 The Family 2.40 The Hospital 3.50 Close
11.00am The Mudlark (1950) 1.00pm Crocodile Dundee II (1988) 3.10 The Iron Petticoat (1956) 5.00 An Affair To Remember (1957) 7.15 Cheaper By The Dozen 2 (2005) 9.00 Sleepy Hollow (1999) 11.05 The Business (2005) 12.55am The Death Of Mr Lazarescu (2005) 4.00 Close
monday 14 Blue Murder ITV1, 9pm Unbeknownst to the rest of the team, DCS Hogg sends Richard undercover in prison to investigate the brutal murder of a convicted child-killer, which puts Richard’s own life in danger. Meanwhile, Janine finds herself embroiled in her own personal crisis when her son Michael crashes his friend’s car.
Daredevils: The Human Bird Channel 4, 9pm Jeb Corliss aims to fly down the Matterhorn in Switzerland while wearing a winged Teflon suit, before pulling a parachute at the very last minute. Corliss attempts dangerous feats such as these because of his selfconfessed death wish – he suffers from counterphobia.
America’s Toughest Prisons Channel Five, 10pm Focusing on a Colorado jail dedicated to sex offenders. Fremont Correctional Facility houses 1,400 sex offenders, many of whom are compelled to undergo therapy to face up to their crimes. But with violence and victimisation simmering under the surface, staff know they must remain vigilant.
Sky Sports 1
6.00am Breakfast 9.15 Animal 24/7 10.00 Homes Under The Hammer 11.00 Cowboy Trap 11.45 Cash In The Attic 12.15pm Bargain Hunt 1.00 BBC News At One 1.30 South East Today 1.45 Doctors 2.15 Murder, She Wrote 3.00 BBC News 3.05 Kerwhizz 3.25 Bear Behaving Badly 3.50 OOglies 4.05 School Of Silence 4.35 M.I. High 5.00 Newsround 5.15 The Weakest Link
6.00–9.00am Childrens’s Television 9.10 Chuggington 9.25 Numberjacks 9.40 Tweenies 10.00 Ethelbert The Tiger 10.05 Grandpa In My Pocket 10.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 10.30 In The Night Garden 11.05 FILM: Hindle Wakes (1952) 12.30pm Working Lunch 1.00 Animal Park 1.30 Living In The Sun 2.15 Car Booty 3.00 Monk 3.45 Flog It! 4.30 Pointless 5.15 The Hairy Bikers’
6.00– 8.40am Childrens’s Television 8.50 Hana’s Helpline 9.05 Roobarb And Custard Too 9.15 The Wright Stuff 10.45 Trisha Goddard 11.45 Build A New Life In The Country 12.40pm Five News 12.50 Game Ranger Diaries 1.45 Neighbours 2.15 Home And Away 2.50 Rough Guide To Adventures 3.05 FILM: Snowman’s Pass (2004) 5.00 Five News With Natasha Kaplinsky 5.30 Neighbours
6.00am Good Morning Sports Fans (x3) 9.00 Ford Football Special 10.30 Super Sunday: The Last Word 11.00 US Open Tennis 1.30pm Ford Football Special 3.00 US Open Tennis 5.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 6.30 SPL Round-Up 7.00 Netbusters 7.30 LIVE: Football League 10.00 Time Of Our Lives 11.00 Netbusters 11.30 Soccer AM: The Best Bits 12.30am Football League 2.00 Time Of Our Lives 3.00 Watersports World 4.00 Max Power 5.00 Netbusters 5.30 FIFA Futbol Mundial
6.00 BBC News At Six 6.30 South East Today Local news. 7.00 The One Show Adrian Chiles, Christine Bleakley and guests. 7.30 Bang Goes The Theory Science series. 8.00 EastEnders Trina’s body is found – by the worst possible person; and Christian discovers that Syed hasn’t been completely honest. 8.30 Panorama Paul Kenyon travels three thousand miles along the most dangerous illegal immigration route out of Africa. 9.00 Waking The Dead Crime drama series. 10.00 BBC News At Ten 10.25 South East Today Local news. 10.35 Would I Lie To You? Host Rob Brydon joins captains David Mitchell and Lee Mack for the comedy panel show. Guest panellists include Janet Street-Porter, Omid Djalili, Dave Gorman and Davina McCall. 11.05 Rosh Hashana: A More Gracious Future - The Chief Rabbi’s Message For The Jewish New Year Rosh Hashana: A More Gracious Future. 11.30 FILM: Mrs Palfrey At The Claremont (2005) Heart-warming drama. 1.10am Weatherview Detailed weather forecast. 1.15 Sign Zone: Watchdog 2.15 Sign Zone: Land Girls 3.00 The Last Days Of Lehman 4.00 The Hairy Bikers’ 4.45 BBC News
6.00 Eggheads Quiz show. 6.30 Trust Me I’m A Dealer Antiques expert Paul Martin helps members of the public make a decent return on their savings. 7.00 Saving Britain’s Past Series charting the development of the conservation movement in Britain since the Second World War. 7.30 Caribbean Food Made Easy Four-part Caribbean cookery series in which passionate food enthusiast Levi Roots travels around Jamaica and across the UK showing how to bring sunshine flavours to your kitchen. 8.00 University Challenge A team of students representing St John’s College Oxford are up against the University of Durham in another first round match. Jeremy Paxman asks the questions. 8.30 Masterchef The Professionals The hunt for a young chef who can make it to the top of the culinary world. 9.00 Design For Life Design for Life. 10.00 Home Time Home Time. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Love Of Money Series offering a definitive account of the greatest financial crisis for eighty years. 12.20am BBC News
6.00 Meridian Tonight News 6.30 ITV Evening News And Weather . 7.00 Emmerdale Paddy finds out that Chas has moved in with Carl. A new face causes a stir in the village. Jamie finally manages to ask Gennie out. 7.30 Coronation Street Can Peter win Leanne back? Will Sally’s holiday plans scupper Molly and Kevin’s romantic getaway? Meanwhile, Sean’s one night stand has disastrous consequences for Eileen. 8.00 Your Money...Your Life: Tonight Jonathan Maitland investigates what the future holds for millions of Britons who have saved for years for their retirement, but now face financial hardship following massive pension fund shortfalls. He brings together three families with a pensions expert to try to find out some answers. 8.30 Coronation Street How will Leanne react to Peter’s revelations? Sean feels the wrath of Eileen. Can Amber make up with Darryl? 9.00 Blue Murder See highlights 10.00 News At Ten And Weather 10.35 FILM: 8 Mile (2002) Starring Eminem and hooky mum Kim Basinger. Raptastic musical drama 12.35am Nightwatch With Steve Scott: Crime 1.30 Loose Women. 2.20 The Jeremy Kyle Show 3.10 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 News
6.05am The Hoobs 6.30 Yo Gabba Gabba 7.00 Freshly Squeezed 7.25 Everybody Loves Raymond 7.55 Frasier 8.30 Frasier 9.00 Will And Grace 9.30 Year Dot Television 10.00 Wasted 10.30 ESSA Winning Films 10.35 Get Me The Producer 11.25 ESSA Winning Films 11.30 ESSA Winning Films 11.35 Teen Tycoons 12.00pm News At Noon 12.30 Property Snakes And Ladders 1.35 FILM: 13 Rue Madeleine (1946) 3.25 Countdown 4.10 Deal Or No Deal 5.00 Wogan’s Perfect Recall 5.30 Come Dine With Me 6.00 The Simpsons . 6.30 Hollyoaks Newt, Lauren and Anita arrive at the cottage, but get a shock when Gaz turns up and suggests they play truth or dare. I can hardly contain myself. 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 3 Minute Wonder: Origins And Evolution Series of short plays by award-winning Liverpool playwrights to help mark the 150th anniversary of Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. 8.00 Dispatches: Middle Class And Jobless Looking at one of the biggest surprises of the recession; middle class unemployment. Dispatches follows the experiences of several people who are desperately in search of a job, with some going to extraordinary lengths in an attempt to secure one. 9.00 Daredevils: The Human Bird See highlights 10.00 Keith Meets Keith Keith Allen goes in search of the British cook Keith Floyd 11.10 8 Out Of 10 Cats Topical comedy panel show 11.45 No Angels Series following the racy adventures of nurses working the wards of St Margaret’s Hospital. 12.45am FILM: Mr And Mrs 3.20 The Playful Muse 3.45 Supporting Acts. 4.00– 5.45 The Blue Dragon
6.00 Home And Away Aden and Belle break the news about Belle’s illness. 6.30 Live From Studio Five Magazine show hosted by Ian Wright, Melinda Messenger and Kate Walsh. 7.30 How Do They Do It? Robert Llewellyn examines the feats of science and engineering behind everyday life. 8.00 The Gadget Show Consumer technology show 9.00 Warship Documentary filmed on board a Royal Navy ship. HMS Ocean takes over from the Bulwark as the flagship of the deployment. Sailing through the South China Sea, the aircraft carrier joins an international fleet of warships for a simulated airto-sea battle. Elsewhere, engineers work on a damaged Merlin helicopter and the first-aid officers must deal with a grisly discovery. 10.00 America’s Toughest Prisons See highlights. 11.00 Rory & Paddy’s Great British Adventure Comedians Rory McGrath and Paddy McGuinness travel the UK in a camper van in search of strange sporting events. 12.00am UFC 102: Main Event 12.55 NASCAR Sprint Cup 1.50 NASCAR. 2.40 Race And Rally UK 3.30 Rolex Grand 4.20 Rolex Grand 5.10 Neighbours. 5.35 Home And Away
Sky Sports 2 6.00am Aerobics: Oz Style 6.30 Ocean Adventures 7.00 Great Run Yorkshire 7.30 Golf Night (x2) 11.00 Spanish Football 12.00pm TBA 3.00 Spanish Football 4.00 FEI Equestrian World 4.30 LIVE Cricket: Pro40 League 10.00 US Open Tennis 12.30am Elite League Speedway 2.30 Poker 4.00 Sportnation 5.00 Close
Sky Sports 3 10.00am FEI Equestrian World 10.30 Great Run Yorkshire 11.00 Aerobics: Oz Style 11.30 Racing News 12.00pm Golf Night (x2) 3.30 Great Run Yorkshire 4.00 Ocean Adventures 4.30 TBA 7.30 LIVE: Elite League Speedway 9.30 Wild Spirits 10.00 Poker 11.30 Asian Tour Weekly 12.30am Ocean Adventures 1.00 WWE Vintage Collection 2.00 Asian Tour Weekly 3.00 Close
2.00pm Bones 3.00 Lie To Me 4.00 Malcolm In The Middle 4.30 Oops TV (x2) 5.30 Futurama 6.00 Malcolm In The Middle 6.30 Futurama 7.00 The Simpsons (x2) 8.00 Futurama (x2) 9.00 UK Border Force 10.00 Football Behind Bars 11.00 Ross Kemp: In Search Of Pirates 12.00am Bones 1.00 Road Wars (x2)
7.00pm Doctor Who 7.45 Doctor Who Confidential 8.00 Bizarre ER 8.30 Clever V Stupid 9.00 Gavin And Stacey 9.30 Lunch Monkeys 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Little Britain 11.00 Family Guy (x2) 11.45 Clever V Stupid 12.15am Gavin And Stacey 12.45 Lunch Monkeys 1.15 Bizarre ER
7.00pm World News Today 7.30 Cambridge Folk Festival 2009 8.00 Thatcher And The Scots 9.00 The Scots: Natural Born Sinners 10.00 Dinner With Portillo 10.30 Napoli – City Of The Damned: Storyville 11.40 The Best Of Youth (x2) 2.45am Dinner With Portillo 3.15 Cambridge Folk Festival 2009
12.00pm Coronation Street (x2) 1.00 Emmerdale 1.30 The Jeremy Kyle Show (x2) 3.45 The Ricki Lake Show (x2) 5.15 Sally Jessy Raphael 6.00 Judge Judy (x2) 7.00 Primeval 8.00 The Cube 9.00 Hell’s Kitchen USA (x2) 11.00 Coronation Street (x2) 12.00am Ghosthunting With... The Happy Mondays
3.00pm Agatha Christie’s Poirot 4.00 Daily Cooks Challenge 5.00 Drama Trails 5.15 Home To Roost 5.50 Heartbeat 6.50 Pie In The Sky 7.55 Jeeves And Wooster 9.00 Forensic Casebook With Matthew Kelly (x2) 10.00 Taggart 11.00 The Bill: Innocence Betrayed 12.00am Agatha Christie’s Poirot
11.45am Everwood 12.40pm Scrubs (x2) 1.40 Friends 2.10 Gilmore Girls 3.05 Veronica Mars 4.00 The Hills 4.25 Hollyoaks 5.00 Friends (x2) 6.00 Scrubs (x2) 7.00 Hollyoaks 7.30 How I Met Your Mother 8.00 Friends (x2) 9.00 One Tree Hill 10.00 Shameless 11.05 FILM: Elektra (2005) 1.05am Scrubs (x2)
2.30pm Coach Trip 3.00 A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 4.00 How Clean Is Your House? (x2) 5.05 Relocation, Relocation 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 7.00 Grand Designs 8.00 News 8.30 The Yorkshire Clamper 9.00 Come Dine With Me 10.00 Without A Trace 11.00 The Closer 12.00am Saving Grace
11.00am The Million Pound Note (1954) 12.45pm Siege At Red River (1954) 2.25 Hell And High Water (1954) 4.30 The Spanish Gardener (1956) 6.20 Phantom Of The Opera (2004) 9.00 Without A Paddle (2004) 10.50 The Fountain (2006) 12.40am City Of God (2002) 3.10 Close
Heatwave: Argentina's hottest dance show Tango Fire comes to Brighton Dome. Brighton Rock: The film classic gets remade and much mmore…