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due to its cheapness and ease to work with. Just imagine, America, the next french-fry you eat could’ve been fried up in a big vat of Hipster grease. Science is also looking into Hipster hair for microbiology studies. Instead of the traditional petri dish/auger combination for growing bacteria, Hipster hair has been proposed as a viable alternative due to its proven capabilities of outperforming in the field of bacteria growth over any other incubation technique. “The only problem with using Hipster hair for bacterial growth is once you are done with the specimen, it must be discarded and cannot be reused. A Hipster will never wash his sithair and therefore all furtin’ in front ther colonies will be crossof my trailer contaminated. This will be an extreme environmental on my couch in toll,” Julianne Finkleburg my lawn and I said, when asked about her Hipster Hair noticed there corporation: Incorporated.

located in the legs near the femur. 100% of these patients were hipsters… wearing tight jeans. We lost all of them,” said Scott Jones, a recently homeless doctor in Austin, Texas. It’s a serious subject. While the education is out there to prevent such unfortunate medical tragedies, hipsters simply would not understand. Hipsters have little more mental capacity than a stock of asparagus. When asked what he thought about the recent deaths due to incredibly tight jeans Cyndric, a Hipster retorted, “Wha? Uhh… I buy Levi’s, I like Goodwill a lot, and that’s where I get stuff.” It’s sad… They simply “I was don’t understand.

Not only are hipsters a danger to themselves, they are also a danger to others. Hipster hair-borne diseases are the secwas some grease ond leading cause of death in America just This would be the future in there, who behind the leading of our world. Forget plastic knows what cause of death: death. bottles, forget litter; instead “Yea… I dun’ watched imagine the streets, filled else,” thems Hipster kids go with discarded hipsters on by my trailer the other every corner. Laying there, day, I was sittin’ in front of my trailer hair already used up for food, already on my couch in my lawn and I noticed used up for science. What use do they there was some grease in there, who have? They’re useless, they no longer knows what else,” Hillbilly Joe stated. have a purpose, but without a proper A number of diseases can occur in hipster recycling service, there will Hipster hair including: Streptococbe no clean-up, just hipsters lying cus, Ebola, Deathplaguekill virus and around emitting greenhouse gases other really really scary diseases. But from their unwashed bodies. They Hipster hair is not all that bad as it has will seep into the ground, ruining our a number of possible uses in science earth’s ground water. They will pile and business. MacDonnels CEO Johninto the sky, polluting the air. son Smith shows interest in Hipster Continued on Page 41 hair grease for various menu items

By Darius B.


The Look  

The Spring 2009 The magazine has become a great guide to the average American high school student just trying to fit in. The Look: a magazin...